Plumbing the Death Star - We Just Learnt Batman's Not, So Who is the Best Lover in the Justice League? with Hayden

Episode Date: June 20, 2021

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Sands Pants Radio, Australia's most family-friendly podcast network. Hear it here first. This Saturday at lunchtime, the Thumb Cramps boys are facing off against their mortal enemies, Gamey Gamey Game, in a no-holds-barred, good old-fashioned golf off. That's right. To celebrate the release of Mario Golf Super Rush, Australia's two premier video game review shows are putting up their golfing dukes.

Just head to twitch.tv slash gameygameyshow to see these two titans battle it out. That's this Saturday, lunchtime. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star where we ask the important questions like, we just learnt Batman's not, so who is the best lover in the justice league so it's all hang on wait we got one thing else to address quickly hey today is joined by Hayden. Oh, yeah. Hey, guys.

Thanks for having me again. No worries. After you becoming notorious throughout Sandspan's radio for having a filthy mouth, we thought we'd bring you in for the porno episode. Good, my specialty. Pervy things. Right, so hot news, breaking news.

Right off the press. Right off the press. It turns out, so Harley news, breaking news. Right off the press. Right off the press. It turns out, so Harley Quinn season three, they wanted to have a scene where Batman eats out Catwoman. That's right, cunnilingus in your DC animated properties. Not just like a random Catwoman. His wife. Yeah, his wife.

Catwoman. But he decided to pull a DJ Khaled and say, no, thank you. And so I'm the king. Don't do that. Soed and say, no, thank you. And so, I'm the king. Don't do that. So everyone's like, oh, I thought Batman would be a good fuck, but it turns out he's a bad, selfish fuck.

I'm not surprised. Can I say, I'm not surprised. I don't think Superman, I mean, Batman even jerks off. I think he's a very non-sexual being to me anyway. We see him fuck heaps. Yeah, well. You know what?

We get the implication that he fucks heaps. That was the Joker's trick. That was not real. I just think he's a violent lover. He's into too much weird shit. Oh, yeah, he's kinky. No, but he mightn't be if he doesn't go down on people. No, no, no.

Because of that one where it's like, who was it? Was it Black Canary? Where he just like brutally beats up a mugger, and then they just, like, fuck while they're still covered in blood. Yeah, I think that might be Catwoman. I know he fucks Catwoman on a roof, and they're in their costumes. But every time he has sex, it's, like, a big deal, isn't it?

He's no afternoon delight for that man. To me, it sounds too much like a serial killer jerking off after they've committed a murder. It's too intertwined with his work First of all don't murder Second of all don't jerk off if you are going to murder That's bad Yes Hayden?

I was just going to make a joke about being pro Masturbating after murdering someone But I thought better of it I thought that's not funny Thank you for restraining us I also think Batman probably Kicks up a fuss about wearing a frang It's not funny. Good. Thank you for restraining us. Thank you very much. You dog mouth fuck. I also think Batman probably kicks up a fuss about wearing a frangip. I don't think he wants to wear a frangip.

He's allergic. Come on. I'm allergic to latex. It just doesn't feel as good. But, Bruce, aren't you covered head to toe in latex? It's a different latex than the one they make condoms out of. I don't know if that's true. It's sheep's wool. It's sheep's wool. The whole costume. It's hypo latex line than the condoms I don't know if that's true It's sheep's wool

The whole costume It's hypoallergenic I think you're lying to me Get off this roof Fuck off Batman So yeah Batman we now know And look you're right Maybe in hindsight it was very obvious

But we've got a case to solve Which is now that we know it's not Batman, who is indeed, in fact, the best lover of the Justice League. Who indeed, in fact, in actual case, vis-a-vis. In reality, the concept of the Justice League, whomst is the best one to fuck? Whomst is the best one that we can all concur with? Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Well, let's go through the candidates. Are we doing, are we doing like the DCU or should we go from DCU and then we can kind of... I think we can go anywhere. Any kind of DC anything. Well, I think there's a classic... There is so... No! That's a terrible idea. That's a great idea. Hayden wants to do a 24 hour

episode. Wait, we don't have to go through all of them, do we? I think there's a classic like six that you think of. Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Flash, Hawkman. Am I missing anyone? What about Marvin? You said six and then counted out five.

I realised the sixth was Batman. I reckon we can start with the DCEU and then if we want to we can add some more people there because I honestly think that the members of the Justice League and the DCEU by and large are big virgins.

That's a big claim. That is a big claim. Alright, so let's actually list them because you did a bad job. You got to five and the fifth one was Hawkman.

Hawkman's a classic member of the Justice League in the comic books. And Martian the Man. Anyway, I will... Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman who I don't think

you said a moment ago. No, I missed that. Martian Man under Green Lantern. You said Cyborg? That's seven. Cyborg, eight. Okay. All right, fine.

United the eight or whatever. That's true. I think by and large, we're just going to find out that none of them are good lovers. All right, Superman, way too powerful, scary. A scary fuck. Yeah, that's true. But not a virgin, surely.

Surely he's having sex with Lois. No, I don't think he's a virgin. He seems to be wanting to save until marriage. Superman's jerked off in a barn. Guaranteed. Oh, yeah, big. His whole thing has years. Big masturbator, but maybe no sex.

How easy is it to imagine opening a barn door in Smallville and seeing Clark Kent with his back to the door, wearing a flannel shirt but his trousers pulled down to his ankles blue jeans. Jeans to the floor. Tiny whiteies down to the floor. You just see your arse and him kind of slouch over.

I like to imagine he's going super speed though with his arm. You can feel it. Okay, so I don't want to throw shade at middle America, but throwing shade at middle Americaica sure but throwing shade at middle america i've heard that their sex education ain't exactly the best point yeah jerking off in a barn is kind of self-taught oh that's self-taught but the idea of like what a

clitoris is and how can you find it and maybe you should focus there clark i don't think he's ever had no that taught by anyone like no like no lana Lang's not doing that. His mum's not sitting down being like Clark. No, no, no. My Park Kent didn't give Clark Kent the sex talk. Also, I don't like that you think that a parent should be taught. It's like, aim for the clitoris, son. Aim for the clitoris. I'm just being, I'm just, no, no, don't defend this.

I jumped a few steps. I don't think Martha or Park Kent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jonathan? Jonathan Kent. Jonathan Kent. He's don't think Martha or Pa Kent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jonathan? Jonathan Kent. Jonathan Kent. He's giving Clark. Martha and Mark Kent.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think they're giving Clark the sex talk. It's what I meant. And from there, he's got like zero questions. And also he's learning from textbooks. Yeah, yeah. And like outdated textbooks. He's also not like experimenting because presumably if he's had such a bad sexual education, he

thinks that that'll get, if Lana Lang's like, I'll give you a handjob, he's like, I don't want to get you pregnant. So, you know. But he's smart. Is he? Why do you think that? Most of his ways of fixing a problem, especially at DCEU, is just to punch it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also even in the... Superman, Superman, Superman. I got a question. It's like a trolley problem here. Yeehaw, yeah, yeah. But also, even in the con... Superman, Superman, I got a question. It's like a trolley problem here. Yeehaw, yeah, it's me, Superman. We've got two big structures that are destroying

areas, right? We have one, which is in the middle of, like, the Arctic or wherever. There's only, like, a dolphin around. It's causing a lot of destruction. And over here, it's in the middle of Metropolis, a heavy populated city. In the time y'all explaining this to me, I've solved all three. Yeah, which one did you?

All three. There's two options. What else did you destroy? Fix both of the towers that were like falling together or whatever and save that dolphin. I'm Superman. You sound drunk, Superman. So do you think maybe instead of saving the dolphin and the one in the ocean, I did it all, y'all.

maybe you should have, well, you didn't. Superman sounds very tired. No, Superman's on quite a loop. I like that. Superman, you just witnessed. Bob fan away. Flew around the world back to the 80s when Quaaludes still existed. Let me tell y'all, it's great.

When Superman was dealt with that option, he chose to go and deal with the one that was not surrounded by public first, leaving a lot of civilians to die. But even in the comic book, Superman's not particularly smart. He's just good. You know what I mean? He's a himbo, in a way. Yeah, he is a particularly smart. He's just good. You know what I mean?

He's a himbo, in a way. Yeah, he is a himbo. He's absolutely a himbo. He's Middle America's himbo king. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I believe in sex after marriage and the Lord Jesus. He's a Methodist from memory. Yeah, I think he is a Methodist.

That makes sense. And also, I guess, like, he's educated. Well, not he's education. More, he's, like, common sense and right and wrong and just assessing situations as being fucked, which being fucked, we'll come back to that. And also, again, being fucked. Now, again, not to throw more shade at America,

but once again throwing shade at America. Now, classification boards in terms of when it comes to media. Now, blowjobs, that's great. You can chuck them into a PG. Ah, this is the super bad and blue valentine problem. A certain handsome Joel Dusha was only informing me of this literally yesterday. And then also you, Joel Zammett, were informing me of this also yesterday. I'm the only one out of the loop.

I'll explain it to Jackson. That'll complete the chain and I'll re-explain it to Dusha. So there were two movies. One of them, oh God, I forgot what it is. One of them was called Blue Valentine's. Blue Valentine's Day. Starring Ryan Gosling and Michelle

Williams. And in that one, there was a scene where there was cunnilingus happening. And the classification board went, no, no, no, none of that. And then presumably Superbad had a blowjob and they were like- And Superbad, the movie which is starring underage people, and all the characters are underage, they're like, heaps of sex jokes and blowjobs.

That's fine. Yeah, there you go. There's something about Superman I think we're forgetting, though. Superman is good. I got slapped with an R rating rather than a T17. I don't care who's good, though. No, no, no, but he's good and he's willing to learn. Yeah, well, I just mean that, like, hey, here's an example.

The earnestness on your face after you said that. It's an uphill battle, Hayden, and I got to come out the battle Superman. I'm with you. When he's in between some legs and he's like, I got to tell you, miss, I ain't never ate a pussy in my life. And she's like, don't worry, Superman. Let me guide you through it. He will be a good learner and a good listener. Show me what that tongue

do, Supes. Okay. It's going to be hard to moisten up with him down there with that voice, but you'll do it. Because he's a hunk. Because you've got to

think of the pecs. No, you're right. If he's like, he does seem like he'd be all for communication. Exactly. He does seem like if he's in a relationship

where he's very open and you can talk about things. There'd be a lot of checking in, a lot of informants. And Lois seems like the kind of person that would be like, Clark, honey, you're eating this wrong. Clark, you're tonguing my gooch, right? Move up or down, Clark? First war on the basement.

You're in no man's land. You're fucking teasing me too much! Imagine the feeling of Clark's fucking powerful jackhammer tongue. That could be alright. The fucking force of a superman just in your gooch. You're like, alright Clark! Move up! Ow! Or down!

Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Jesus Christ! Make a decision! That goes against your own argument. Well no, but then he will! And you'll be like, quiet, do, do. Jesus Christ. Make a decision. That goes against your own argument. But then he will. And you'll be like, please slow down. Okay, so you're getting your gooch jackhammered by Superman's tongue.

He moves up, then do you know what's in between your penis and your gooch? Ow! Don't jackhammer my balls. Not that same. With your super tongue, dude. No, but I get that. I should be like Superman.

First of all, we'll get to two questions for you. Two instructions, slow down, a little softer and move up or down. Just gently tap. It's still not good. Cause I'm not into someone just gently tapping my balls. But it's better than the pounding gooch, right? Like you're making progress.

Yeah, exactly. And then I just got to slowly work him up to the actual penis. I thought you were gonna say slowly up so I can give him a little kiss. You can jack out of my mouth. You're doing great, buddy. Okay, back down. Job ain't finished.

Figuring it out. So he'd be good at communication and he would be so respectful. Definitely open to listening. And also, because this was also the example I was going to use for him being dumb. And it's actually both of these things. Because there is a very, an infamous comic book arc that I bring up all the time. Oh, yes. Superman Grounded.

So he goes to fight a kryptonite war in space. Sure. Goes for 100 minutes. Comes back down to Earth. 100 minutes in Earth time, not long. But a whole war happens. Comes down to Earth. Oh, because everyone's in super speed?

Yeah. Something like that. I haven't read that part, but I have read Grounded. Okay. Gets down and a lady's like, he comes back to Earth and he's like, I did it. And a lady walks up to Superman and just slaps him like a normal human being. And he's like, what happened? And she's like, while you were gone, my husband had an inoperable brain tumor that was discovered too late.

You would have seen it with your x-ray vision and you could have easily operated on it with your laser vision. And because of you abandoning us, he died then superman's like fuck you're right wait that happened in a hundred minutes he got diagnosed then died in a hundred minutes i don't know how it ties in connection to um humanity yeah he has to go for a big walk yeah yeah so but he was only gone for an hour and a bit so over 12 issues super, Superman, Forrest Gump's it and walks across America helping out the regular man. Yeah. So listens,

he's an idiot. Yeah. I can't remember. Yeah. But yeah, listens, he's an idiot. I don't know how being stupid

helps you make love. No, it was against being stupid. Oh, I see, I see, I see, I see.

But then it ties into him jackhammering your gooch. Yeah, it's just about. Does Superman's genitals and Krypton's genitals look and operate like human genitals. Maybe a gooch massage is- Not necessarily do they look and operate like,

oh, I see what you mean. I thought you were gonna be like, can you even fuck them? But like, no, he might be like, do you know one, this bit, that's the most erotic bit on the Krypton. Yeah. And I'd have to be like, no.

So he could be a freak to you. Wait, do you know that though? Well, yeah, I don't. Cause he was born and raised on Earth. Not born on Earth, but he was raised on Earth. I guess he was a little kid, so if he had a wrong dick or three buttholes or whatever, he would have realized by adulthood because at some point, biology, he would have been like, oh, no.

Even though they don't have a great sexual education, they have AA sexual education. The relationship Superman finds out he's from Krypton is because during, they're like, you know, everyone has a. And here you go. The thing is like, okay, okay. We're going to go around the class. Write down just a question.

It doesn't matter. It's all anonymous. Just write down the question, put it here, and we'll read them out. And then any questions you have. Hey, the barbs on my dick are itchy. What do I do with the other two buttholes? One's for shitting, but... Is the other one just for pleasure?

The relationship Superman would have with his own body in these teenage years would have been a nightmare. Oh, yeah. Because he's gone through puberty and also his magic? What a disaster. That's true. And, like, I mean... That happens in Smallville.

Yeah, it does. It does. He gets so horny That he gets x-ray vision And stuff And he can Oh shit He can like

Ice breath and stuff Because he's too horned up That makes sense And his parents are like Don't you dare fuck Superman Because they're scared He'll kill the woman And then he does fuck

That's a genuine concern Well yeah it's fair enough But then he does fuck Not a virgin Yeah In Smallville But he does fuck And then he comes back downstairs,

and it's a great scene because his parents are like, you better run along, Missy. And she's like, oh, shit. And they're like, sit down, because Superman's in big trouble for having sex. Great scene. Smallville's a great show. But I think Superman.

That's funny that the Smallville Superman fucks because he has the biggest virgin energy of them all. Oh, yeah, absolutely. He fucks a bunch, dude. While I personally don't think he'd be a great lover now. He's not the best. You could not train Batman to eat puss well. Batman wouldn't listen.

He'd be like, no, I'm already good at it. He'd be like, the gooch is the best bit. You like this. Did you cum yet? You probably did. Anyway, I've got to go. Alfred will let you out. Alfred will finish you off.

Alfred, come on in. He doesn't want to finish business here because Batman does fuck we do see that in the Schneider cards or at least in the Schneider whole verse and in plenty of comic books we know he fucks he's just bad at it Superman maybe not a great lover but could get better next off the ranks

look while we're talking speedsters why not talk about The fastest of them all Do we think it will be good The Flash To come in a second No Because if I fail How will he do that

He'll run up to me Finger up the butthole Oh wait You're coming in a second I'm coming in one second I thought the Flash Was coming in one second Well I don't care about that

Jerks me off Finger up the butthole Jerks me off within a second Are you flaccid to coming in a second? Might take more than a second Give me five seconds then That's still barely any amount of time That feels like it would hurt

I don't think it's something we've ever felt before Is he Look You'd have to be very lubed up I was going to say Are you I guess Is semen Ejaculating out of your penis

And is that what we're classifying As you coming If you've got a penis You can orgasm Without coming No I'm just Because I imagine him Ripping your whole cock off

And I'm assuming Get the semen from the sauce Yeah Straight from the bowl Yes Oh no What is wrong with you people I feel Yucky That's too yucky What argument were you from the source. Straight from the bowl. What is wrong with you people?

Yucky. That's too yucky. What argument were you on the side of at the start of this episode? I forget. Because I just don't think speed that does not work. I don't think No, speed's not what you want. I'm not saying it would be pleasant, but it would be interesting.

I mean, I guess I'd do it if he offered. Yeah, if I was about to make love to the Flash and I was sitting in the end of the bed, pants on the ground. That's not making love, that's fucking. Excuse me. If I was going to fuck the Flash, dick out, butthole ready, sitting on the edge of the bed and the Flash.

I'm like, ah! As long as the Flash isn't near my dick, that's fine. A lot of vibration onto the prostate, I'm thinking my dick, that's fine. Okay, if I bend over the bed. A lot of vibration onto the prostate, I'm thinking, yeah, that might be good. Oh, yeah. So if he fucks you. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah! And also, again, using his super speed with the tongue, that could be all right. Although, like, him using his tongue on, like, the tip of my dick, he might wear it off. Yeah. He'll circumcise you accidentally with the power of his quick tongue. I'm already circumcised.

I don't want to be double circumcised. Oh, no, pencil dick. Yeah. You know when you're like a lollipop and you keep sucking it and it kind of keeps going there, like tapering? That's what's going to happen. It's also worth noting, because the listeners won't have been able to get this

from just audio, but any time Zavit made a point of like trying to defend Flash, Jackson would then be like, yeah, and then jump off his chair, like pretending to be in agony, be like,

this is good. It's just so funny to imagine. Yeah, he can fuck me. Because it's so quick. You're just not ready for that amount of... It'll be good. I don't think I mean I

Wouldn't it be more sort of like a vibrator Because he's vibrating and stuff It would I don't think you'd come in a second I don't think you'd come in one second I could come in a second Alright I think it would

I think it'd be quick But if he was like so Yeah He was lubed up He had some kind of special silken glove or something for extra protection. I don't think it would... How long would you take them?

Again, I don't think it's about speed. You're really spitting in the face of Tantric. If he spat on my face, I'd be a second. Again, you're talking about his power. The best thing about his flash is he can flick his can flick his tongue at like a billion miles an hour or whatever it is, like a hummingbird. But is he prepared to do such a thing? Is he good at it?

Does he know what he's doing with it? Not at all. Also, again, when this, like the DCEU flash, him using his power, there's a lot of lightning going off. Flash in the DCEU has the hugest virgin energy maybe the screen has ever shown. A, a virgin. B, scared of genitals.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Has only got his sexual education from, like, hentai. Oh, God. But also you can imagine, just to go back to the clip. Not even full-blown hentai, just, like, animated. Going back to the clip. Yes, Jackson. Well, I was imagining...

We never left, baby. Point at my head. Because the way the DCEU flash works is everything slows down for him. So he could run, flip you in the air. Did he take a hot dog out of someone in the air? Yeah, he was quick, but it's like slow motion. Take a hot dog out of someone.

Is that what I said? Yes. He pulls me up, He pulls my pants down. Takes that hot dog out. There's a hot dog in this man. He's like trying to save someone from a burning building, but he sees me on the side. Wait a second.

This man got a butt. No, no, it's a hot dog. It's good if you imagine that I look like it's an accident somehow. Like it's just me and a hot dog vendor, and I'm in an argument with my pants down. And he's like, what? What happened? What the hell?

And then when time starts again, I'm like, and! Oh, no, it fixed itself. Oh, never mind. The problem fixed itself, I guess. How much do I owe you? Waddling away with just a sauce and bread. What went wrong? We'll never know.

We'll never know. But, yes, so, like, with Flash, all the time in the world of him slowing down and looking at a genital, I don't know what he'd do. No, I think he's got no idea what to do. He'd poke it a little bit. He'd trial things out. And, like, again, that kind of thing where he pokes a flap and it kind of, like, ripples out.

True. It's not going to be pleasant. And this is talked about a lot. It's kind of an old joke, but, like, he will come quicker. I was about to say the same thing. If he's in fully slowed down mode, like, in his mind, he's taken the normal amount of time. He'll come in a second.

But to you it's like, oh, it's over. Oh, that's done. I think we're out of the moment. Batman, obviously the worst because we established at the start. Flash, slightly better than Batman. Nah! Alright! If you want to be angrily

riled, you can go to Batman. You know what I mean? At least- Unlovingly. Yeah. Because Batman is there for a specific kind of fucking. It's cold. It's clinical.

I feel used. And I'm fine with that. It's all he can do. If you want to fuck and not feel like a person, Batman's the way to go. Flash, I'd feel like a science experiment. Yeah. Because I wouldn't- I'd just feel wrong. Yeah. I feel like

that like, and this is like a very, I guess, particular experience, but like with Batman, you go to Batman and you know that it doesn't matter. You can put on the best fuck of your life, the worst fuck of your life. You could be an average looking person. You could be very attractive. You could be ugly. Batman has sex with you. He's not thinking about you again. So really, it's

just great practice. It's not going to hurt your pride. No one's talking about it. I also imagine that Batman would do the thing from American Psycho where he flexes in the mirror. Is that really easy to imagine because it's the same guy? Oh! It is. I was imagining

Matt Damon's Batman for some reason. Matt Damon's Batman! I was also imagining Matt Damon's friend's Batman reason. Matt Damon's Batman! I was also imagining Matt Damon's friend's Batman. Goodwill hunting Batman. Robin Williams with a beard's Batman. Alright, we get

a lot more justice here. Robin Williams. How would he fuck? I think he'd be quite a good lover but Harry, lots to grab onto. Yeah, like a knife.

Do you think he'd go full serious and would he unleash the beast? Or would he be silly? It'd be silly. It'd be fun. There's like a special where he mimes eating out somebody. And he's ferocious.

He's got the moves. He's a hungry boy. Do you think when he gets a boner, he does the Mrs. Doubtfire? Hello! Big! And then you're like, what? And he's like, like from my movie, Mrs. Doubtfire. Oh, let's have sex.

Fuck me, Robin Williams. All right, let's go Aquaman. Let's talk him. Pre-lubed, already wet. Yeah, but he's not moist. He's like water wet. It's bad to fuck when you're water wet. Don't fuck in the, you beat me to it. God damn it. It's weirdly dry. But yeah, squishy. Not squishy, so squeaky.

I don't know if Aquaman can breathe with lube on his leg around him. I'm imagining dunking him in a barrel of lube. We're going to fuck, get in this. I want to be slippy. Can I ask what Aquaman are we going with? Are we going with comic book Aquaman? Are we going with movie Aquaman? Are we going with comic book Aquaman? Like Jason Momoa Aquaman?

I think we're taking a sampling of various Aquaman. It's like an Aquaman Chuck Q3 board, which is what we've done for all the other ones. Yeah, I think Jason Momoa Aquaman, I reckon he'll be all right. Yeah, I think he'll be okay. I think he's considerate. I think he's generous. I don't know if he's considerate, but I think he's considerate. I think he's generous.

I don't know if he's considerate, but I think he's skilled. Okay, alright. The trophy fuck is what Zaman's being like. Nah, he's virgin. What? What are you talking about? He's too drunk! He's too drunk to get it up, you fucks!

Aquaman, virgin through Whiskey Dick. No, but he grew up in that seaside town and he's a smoke show. And every single, they sung him a song and sniffed his jumper. He's fucking. He's fucking all the time. But it's not, he's good, but there's no variation. I think that he's fucked everyone in that town to the point where he's, yeah, he's good, but there's no care in his eyes or his eyes. No, see, I think he's fucked everyone in that town to the point where he's good but there's no care in his eyes

or his eyes. I think he's full of care. He's a chock-a-block with care. Jason Momoa. Yeah. Jason Momoa has care in his eyes. Yes! Jason Momoa's Aquaman has care in his eyes. Yeah, I think he does. Are you thinking of like

are you still thinking about Robin Williams? Oh, that's what I'm doing. Look, I might consider that he's not Oh, that's what I'm doing. Yeah. Yeah, I get, look, I might consider that he's not a virgin. I still think he is. Yeah, okay. That's crazy to me.

No one is picking up a virgin's jumper and giving it a sniff and singing a song. I don't know. I mean, plus you blame it. At that point, you're like, that man might be a god. I don't want to fuck a god. Maybe I want to fuck a god.

What are you talking about? I definitely want to fuck a god. If the biblical god came down, I'd pierce myself on his deity dick. You know? Split me into entwined. Yeah, like one of those cheeses you can peel. Yeah, your stringers. String me up, biblical God.

Yeah, But I think I can imagine he gives Fuck me to hell God Yeah that's good I think yes okay he's probably railed that whole town Yeah yeah yeah Jason Momoa has care in his eyes Jason Momoa's Aquaman does and I just looked it up

What Look at these bitches He's got a He's ferocious as well I think there is It's good, it's good sex But there's no love in it You know what I mean?

There's no care in his eyes That's the picture from when he's about to go into battle There's a different situation There's care in Jason Momoa's eyes Yeah, look at him, he's gorgeous Look up a picture The DCEU Aquaman about to have sex with someone. See if there's one, because you'll see.

Well, what's his, like, again, his puss-eating technique? Well, Jackson, you were saying that you think it's a set menu. You think he's doing the same thing every time? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it works, and you get there, but you're like, you know, everybody's got specific needs. And I think he tries the same thing on everyone and it's it's fine it's like he's pretty vanilla you think would he be an open communicator no is he going to listen no i'd say no i'd say no i'd say that he's just like yeah look i reckon he's probably in between good and

great yeah for some people it works on really well for some people it works on fine for some people it probably doesn't work on. And he's just like, you're getting it either way. You know what I mean? And he's very handsome. So maybe you can forgive a lot of it because you're like, well, he's a bad guy. I think that's where I'm going wrong. Yeah, exactly. You come out of there, it's the worst bloat.

It's the sloppiest, but like not in the way you imagine. Just sloppily done. Just because he's very wet all the time. He's a moist man. And you're like, well, but he was so handsome. You remember it fondly. Because he's in the ocean so much, would he chafe you? That's a good question.

The salt? Yeah, he's like a surfboard. Is he wrinkly? Yeah, good question. A lot of salt going on. Yeah. Like a surfboard. So you need to apply wax to him?

Wax those lips. You wanna work on a protective gear he's using for his skin. I can't imagine being a soft to touch. No, I imagine him feeling kind of like a shark. Yeah, like a dolphin, where it's like a bit tacky or something. Are dolphins tacky? Yeah, I imagine so. I think they're very smooth. No, they're very, very smooth.

Yeah. You never touch a dolphin. No. Fuck you. You grow up and touch a dolphin. Where are you touching a dolphin? very very smooth Yeah You never touched a dolphin No Fuck you You grow up and touch a dolphin Where are you touching a dolphin? I don't think I've touched a dolphin The zoo Where are you touching dolphins?

I've touched a dolphin at I think in hindsight problematic Because I think it was at Seawolf Oh cancelled Jail's cancelled You're touching tortured dolphins You touched a prisoner dolphin Yeah

Yeah That's fucked man Oh wait no I also touched a dolphin in like The normal sea. That just means you're very lucky. The normal sea. Not the jail sea.

So it was like, you know, there's, like, boat tours and shit, when they're like, oh, there's, like, four different stops, and, like, if you look here, you get out, and you're wearing a wetsuit, and you can, like, see a penguin or whatever. You can swim in, like, a brief. Did the dolphin choose you? The dolphin? Because dolphins are smart.

I don't know, Jack. They could outsmart you, Jackson. They'd kill you and your whole family. If they were doing like a test where it was me versus a dolphin, I'd drown. Well, I think most people would have pretended. The dolphin's going to go through hoops and I'm just floating there. They're like, he didn't do it.

Face down. No, the dolphins knew they were sort of performing, even though they were wild dolphins, so they came up to us. Oh, that's cool. Because they would get food. Yeah. That's cool. Like so they came up to us. Oh, that's cool. Because they would get food. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's cool. Come on.

Like how birds come up to you. Aquaman, I reckon, is between Batman and Superman here, surely. Superman is currently our best lover. I think Superman's number one. Yeah, me too. Currently. No, no, no. So far.

Superman has the potential to be the best lover only because he communicates. Because right now, currently, Superman is with Lois. Okay. Well, okay. So he's done the communicating. That's also a very good point by Joel Zammett. If we're going by first fuck and you're not going back, Aquaman's better than Superman by far. That's true.

If we're looking at Aquaman, he's a bit of a hunk. He knows what he's doing. I just think his performance, because he's a big drinker, will kind of... But he looks like he'd take care of me. If we're doing a typical one-night stand, which presumably we are, if we're taking the smorgasbord of justice, we're not going to be able to pull off

stringing them all along. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good point. That's a good point. And Superman doesn't want a relationship with any of us, and that's how you get good sex with Superman, is you've got to enter a relationship with him. You are taking everything you've said.

You don't listen. He just tricked you. I agree. He just flipped everything. No, he didn't. Salmon's saying that he's going to be good because he's good at communicating, so over time he'd get better, You're taking everything you've said. You don't listen. He just tripped you. I agree. He just flipped everything. No, he didn't. Salmon's saying that he's going to be good because he's good at communicating, so over time he'd get better.

That's what I'm saying. That's what I said. That's what he's saying. I said if I was in a relationship with him, I'd have the time. Yeah, you know what? That's on me. I apologize to both my good friends in this room and you, the audience. I wasn't listening.

I'm like Superman. He would have picked that up. Is there a comic of where it's old man Superman sign me up for old man Superman is there a Superman where he's like

old man he's got a big beard and a gun yeah and he kills himself by self immolation that's sad where he lights himself

on fire is that what that is yeah how's he weak to fire no he's on fire oh yeah he laser fishes himself?

No, he starts like a fucked krypton fire or something Okay, let's move on What about cyborg gadgets? Big virgin Big virgin energy It would be a novelty, I think Does he still have genitals?

No, I don't think so But I imagine he would have I'm imagining that he would have someitals? No, I don't think so. But I imagine he would have, I'm imagining that he would have some kind of go-go gadget finger where he can make a big. Go-go gadget finger? Yeah. Go-go gadget finger. You're imagining like the finger transforms into a big floppy deal.

Exactly, yeah. Where was all that hide and seek in my finger? It's like fucking a Sibian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, it'll get you there, but it's kind of like Batman. No, but see, I think you're looking at it the wrong way. It's cold, clinical, yeah. It's like if a Sibian was a guy.

Yeah, imagine you're hopping on top, you're having a great time, and it's like, are you having a great time, Jackson? I'm like, yes, I am. I don't know. I don't think he would ask. I think, you know. He's too moody. Well, yeah, he's too moody.

He's been through a lot. One of his eyes is a dead, lifeless red eye. The other one is a lifeless, regular eye. Can he change the colour? Or are you fucking in a bright red light the whole time? Just shining directs onto your face. Can you please turn that off?

That would mean I was dead. Can you get an eye patch or something? Fuck. He could be also overwhelming because I feel like he'd have enough fingers and gadgets to fill every hole all at once. That's what you were asking. But again, he doesn't have complete control.

It depends when you were getting him. He doesn't have complete control because it could just be like a fuck mode activate and he's just going around like a hectic spider just flailing around and you're having a fun time like i got two modes fuck mode or off mode let's try fuck yeah but once again you're just looking at him like flash you're looking like the power not the personality yeah that's true not the person and the person big virgin big moody i think he's just quite traumatized huge trauma yeah yeah yeah yeah cyborg doesn't fuck you, you fuck him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it doesn't feel like sex. No. Someone cries afterwards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All of us cry. It's not good. It's not fun.

Does Cyborg cry? That's sad if he can't. But you might be able to help him. It's also, it's just, it's a bit of work. If you want to have good sex with Cyborg, it's a bit of work on your part. Well, Cyborg presumably can't cum. You don't know? It doesn't have a dick. It's all cerebral all cerebral yeah and now a quick word from our sponsors also plumbing the death star is a garbage fire of a podcast that you for some reason love but did you know we produce at least

eight other podcasts like maybe you wish the plumbing boys would stop talking about whether or not mario is good to marry and start to talk about whether or not his game is good to play if this sounds like you then why not head to SandsPantsRadio.com and search for Thumb Cramps, a video game review podcast that's far better than it has any right to be. He might take you into that Matrix version that he can do. Oh my god, there's a bear

and a pig fighting, and it's the bank, but then also you and Sam will go fucking... I thought you were like, there's a bear and a pig fighting, and I am coming! He's like, let me show you sexual fantasies unparalleled. He could easily. Is this what you like? I don't know.

Imagine seeing that and then all of a sudden just feeling your body, just like getting the biggest erection you ever had. And then just, you're like, what? This is unlocking something in me. I don't think I had that in me already, dude. Like a virus. He's hacked me. Cyborg gives you a cum virus.

He'd be a good financial dom. Yes, if you were looking for a fin dom, I guess. He wouldn't even need to go to the effort of buying stuff. Just like, I made your bank account zero. Oh, no. Don't do it again. I couldn't if I tried. You've got no money. Actually, now you have an infinity couldn't if I tried. You've got no money.

Actually, now you have infinity dollars. Just kidding. Now you've got minus $100. But is that a bad? The bank's coming for you. Is that a bad Fyndom, though? Because with a Fyndom, you want a respectful conversation about how much money that you can have taken out.

If he's just like, you're literally in the poor house now. You're like, in the poor house, literally. That's actually not what I want. I've traded your money offshore. You are now wanted. How much more of like is humanity still intact? Yeah. You know what I mean?

I think it's there. I think in most iterations of Cyborg, there's a chance it'll go, but it is there. He relates to people. He wants that guy to probably move. Yeah. I still keep imagining him in fuck mode and it looks like just like a whole bunch of stuff, like going off at once and trying to get into it. Like gingerly stepping in.

It's like when the people are doing like a stick, a jump rope and you'll be like, okay, I got a time. Is it better if I come in down or like if I slide in on the side, what's the go here? I'm imagining, you know,

in that South Park episode where there's those bikes that you fuck and you suck? Yeah, yeah. I'm imagining that's what fuck mode does to you. I'm imagining that, but with way more feelers in it. Oh, yeah, way more. And it sounds like a sewing machine for some reason. Like a steam engine.

Maybe like some exposed gears whizzing around. All right, got to steer clear of that. Don't get my hair caught in the gears. But yeah, I think it's just there's a lot of work to have good sex with Cyborg I think it's doable big virgin virgin and again if you can fuck Cyborg it's just whatever input you put in

you get back it's just slightly below Batman it's just really jerking off but in a more complicated way. Yeah, for sure. What about Marvin the Manhunter? What's his name? Marvin the Manhunter.

Marvin the Manhunter. Marvin. Marvin the Martian. The loony dude. Little. Cute. Nice brush on the hand there. That's good.

Great for a gooch tickle. You could probably, if he ran in between your legs and just tickled your balls, that could feel nice. If he was jerking you off underneath you and rubbing his brush in your balls, that's probably a new move. As he's doing that, I'm like, you can name this, you know? We'll call this the Marvin the Martian.

What's his voice? Isn't it like? It's kind of like, oh, dear. This one's called the Martian. This one's called the Marvin the Martian. The Marvin the Martian. That's a bad name. But it works.

Bring me to your leader. Oh yeah, it's that. Bring me to your leader. He kind of sounds like Kermit the Frog a little bit. He's got big gloves on. That's something. You know what? If someone walks in with gloves and I'm like,

where have those gloves been? He's wearing a mini skirt, isn't he? Yeah, he is. He's wearing a Roman... It's like a Spartan outfit. Yeah, it does have a mouth. That's my question. Can I kiss him and be sucked off? I was like, kiss? That's not where you're going. How did he give me a sock job? Does he have a mouth? That's my question. Can I kiss him and be sucked off? I was like, kiss? That's not where you're going.

How did he give me a sock job? Does he have a head? Yeah. But he just has eyes. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Because it's black, but is it a shadow and you can see his eyes poking from the shadow? Or is that his actual head and skin and stuff?

Because the other Martians... Show me Marvin. There we go, There's Marvin. Show me the Marvin. Is he looking at Marvin? No, I don't think he's got a mouth. No sock jobs to Jackson. Yeah, that's a shame.

But, like, again, that might make him innovative. Yeah, that's true. That's probably why he's got the brush in his head. Yeah. He's going to work harder, yeah. Now, okay, so I guess I think you're meaning

Martian the Manhunter? Sure. Is from Mars. Yeah. Doesn't know how my genitals Martian the Manhunter. Sure. Is from Mars. Yeah. Doesn't know how my genitals work. Same as Superman. Yeah. But he can become me, learn in the bathroom what feels good,

and then do that on me. That is cool. You could have sex with yourself if you wanted to. That is the dream for all of us. To a person, I think. Each and every one of us. Each and every human being us in this room listening. Marvin Man...

Martian Man Hunter. Marvin Man Hunter. I got an idiot in my head. It's Hayden. Yeah, Martian Man Hunter. Martian the Man Hunter. No. Martian Man Hunter.

For some reason. Which is why Marvin the Martian Keeps happening Martian Manhunter Can turn into anyone So wild variety of fuck I mean that's But same quality

Exactly That's the problem Same brain Yeah but maybe That's enough for the fantasy If he knows what he's doing Down there If he knows what he's doing

Does he know what he's doing though Does he Is it just shape shifting Does he get people's memories Or anything Yeah he's telepathic, so he can communicate. Well, that's perfect. Make you come through telepathy.

No, but he would know exactly what feels good and exactly what you're thinking the whole time. Yeah. And you're like, oh, we should go faster. Go faster. The problem with Martian Manhunter, and it's the personality thing again, is that Martian Manhunter is the last Martian,

last green Martian. And he's landed on Earth, and he's blending in and hiding a lot of the time. So he's just not really thinking about sex. Yeah, but in this situation, he is because we're fucking. Once again, he's virgin. I guess what I mean, he's not had a lot of time for practice. I agree.

I think he's fucked other Martians. I don't know if he does. I don't know. I don't know where you're getting him being. He'll have fucked people on Mars. He had a wife and a kid. Okay, then if he does. I don't know. I don't know where you're getting him. He'll have fucked people on Mars. He had a wife and a kid. Okay, then maybe he did. Look, we'll give you Flash, and that's about it on the virgin front.

And Superman. No. No. We'll give you Flash. We'll give you Flash, who, yes, is a virgin. And maybe a cyborg. And maybe a cyborg. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But, yeah, so I think Martian Manhunter, John Johns. Let's not forget his name, John Johns. I think he's probably great at pleasuring a Martian pussy, whatever a Martian pussy might look like. What about a Martian anus? Yeah, Martian anus, Martian wiener, Martian glue black, whatever the genitals of a Martian are. He knows what to do. He knows what to do with all three buttholes. Yeah, exactly. Afraid of eating out a Martian pussy.

Yeah, but if he sees my human wiener, he's gonna, first of all, throw up. Disgusting. Is that what they all look like? No, no, no. I've got a condition. Does he have, like, a Mars pussy? No, I imagine it's just smooth. Because he doesn't know.

When he shapeshifts, can he take his clothes off? Well, yeah. Yeah, he shapeshifts. I, when he shapeshifts can he take his clothes off? Well yeah. Yeah he shapeshifts with clothes. So it must be, it's actually a mental thing. He just makes you think he looks like someone else. He doesn't actually change how he looks. Ohhhh. Well yeah I know cause if he's just doing mind tricks then yeah he's the number one because he's just gonna

be like touch you on the head, you're gonna have the most intense orgasm you've had in your life. If he's telepathically like sucking me off just going to be like touch on the head. You're going to have the most intense orgasm you've had in your life. If he's telepathically sucking me off, then yeah, I got one. Yep, he wins. Well done. He's just slammed that pleasure button. We haven't had sex, but I think I've had a good time. Same thing, really.

Thinking about having sex, having sex, same thing. I'm sending flowers to an address that doesn't exist. Here's the scene in like the animatrix where they've taken the guy's skull off and they're just jamming his brain with a needle but they've hit that pleasure he'll kill me you know when they do that experiment with rats where they're like you can press a button it gives you pleasure or food and they all died because they pressed that's gonna be me i'm gonna be going to him again while fucking corpse because i haven't

eaten in months didn Get me off. Didn't they rub this as, look, if I'm not right, and I've misremembered, this is going to be the worst intense fuck sentence you've ever heard. Didn't they swab a dolphin pussy and rub it on an ape and the ape jerked itself to death because of, like, the hormones or

something? What? I'm pretty sure that's a thing. Can you say just... What? What? I'm pretty sure that's a thing. Can you say just... What? I think you've looked at a meme. They swabbed a dolphin pussy and wiped it on a monkey and the monkey jerked itself off to death. What could you possibly be saying?

I know exactly where you've gotten this from. I'm interested. It's on subreddit. Oh, wait, isn't it an invincible meme? I don't know, but if you go- I feel like that I've read this tech, now that I'm remembering where I- It's great because- My brain, after you said you've read a meme, my brain was like, yeah, I think that was a meme.

I don't know whether I want this to be true or not. I know a lot about ape experiments and dolphin experiments. Yeah, it is an invincible meme, and it is definitely on the Sandspan Subway. Oh, I stole from the fans. Did you know that dolphin pussy juice makes male dolphins cum extra hard? Where did you get the monkey from? Where they swab dolphin pussy juice on a monkey's dick,

and the monkey came so hard that they had a heart attack and died. Right, but so it's not real. It's not real. Now, did you confuse this meme with a science study? Yes. This is good because it means that all listeners of Sandspans can just ruin Joel Dusha with misinformation. Not even presenting his memes.

No, no, no, because usually what happens is we ruin them with misinformation. How does it feel? Buddy, the void's staring back we ruin them with this animation. How does it feel? The void's staring back. We don't want that. Is this all the chickens coming home to roost? Is this what it feels like? Is this comeuppance?

Oh, no. No, no. It can't possibly be. Wow, that rules. I mean, it's tragic that it's not true. Is it? It would be funny. If a monkey choked up so hard he died because of dolphin pussy that would be the kind of thing that would really enliven your reality i think you know what was your thought pattern here mars pussy juice would make us come

where were you going with this i don't know i totally i can't remember what why haven't the manhunter turning into a dolphin? Not Marvin the Manhunter! Martian Manhunter, yeah, with his magic dolphin pussy. It makes me heart attack myself to death. No, no, no, I think I think what I was going for was like yeah, that'd be like, because you could probably do the same thing though, like, touches your head

and you think you've sniffed a dolphin pussy. Oh my god, he touched my head and now I'm thinking I'm jerking off with dolphin pussy. Oh no, I know exactly how dolphin pussy pheromones work. I'm going to fucking die. I'm in my heart. Why would you do this, Marsha? You killed me with dolphin pussy.

I think my brain made the connection between the fact the ape was so horny that it had a heart attack and died with maybe humans shouldn't be allowed to have the perfect orgasm. Right. Okay. That. Okay. That is true. That is true. But then also, I guess, like, I got you as well. See, we've all got a bad man living in our brain.

And I also have an invincible meme in my head, apparently. It's like he's too good. Martian Manhunter, I think, is probably the best lover, but only through default. Scary, maybe consequential. Yeah, yeah. But then also, like, if thinking it, like, you might get to a point where your brain is just, like,

not snaps, but it gets less good. Yeah. Because, like, it's the same, like, a wet dream. That's, like, you're dreaming about good sex, usually. Or, like, something horny, and your body's like, this is so good, I'm coming. Yeah, yeah. Or you're taking out the bins or something.

Yeah, or you're playing Wario Land 3 or something. That happened in real life, and I didn't come. Taking out the bins was something. Or you're playing Wario Land 3 or something. That happened in real life and I didn't cum. Taking out the bins was a dream you had in real life. And that made you cum? I wasn't taking out the bins. I was wheeling a bin in a desert. And then you came? I woke up cumming.

You woke up whilst cumming? Yeah, I woke up to cumming. I was like, oh, what? That's wild. What? I think Martian Manhunter is actually a bad lay because it's too good. It's too intense. It's chasing the dragon.

The first one will be incredible, but then you'll never be as good. Heroin of fuck. Yeah, so I think he's got to be moved back down almost below Aquaman. That's why people don't do heroin, right? Because it's too good? Well, kind of. No, but we're doing a one-night stand. He's a good lover.

Oh, that's true. One-night stand, yeah. But just through technicality, he is the best because like, I'm just going to trick you. I like that, Jackson, you tried to put him down the list because he's too good. Well, I was imagining the kind of orgasm that's almost painful. That's not a perfect orgasm. But is what we're doing, is he making love to us or is he just tricking us? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, that's another thing. Does he lose on a technicality because we're not actually fucking? Is he disqualified? I think we're disqualifying. It's like if Dr. Manhattan was just like, we fucked. And I was like, well, you made reality so. Well, when he fucks Silk Spectre and there's three of him. He makes like eight of them or whatever.

That sounds cool, actually. Well, she's having a great time. But then she realizes he's still working. But if he wasn't working, then. But also she's sucking on his thumb instead of it's like licking a battery. That sounds exciting. Watch he's still working. But if he wasn't working, then... But also she's sucking on his thumb instead of it's like licking a battery. That sounds exciting. Watchman's horny. I know this is breaking news for everyone.

Alright, let's... Alright, fine. Because it's not regular lovemaking. It's something else. Yeah, it's alien. It's weird. It's not real. And it feels like we're building towards this person being the best, but I honestly think they will not be. Hawkman?

No. Wonder Woman? Wonder Woman. Yeah, Wonder Woman. Well, she does fuck. She fucks. She fucked once and then yearned for 80 years. Yeah, yeah.

Then fucked the same guy in a different body. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bad, don't do that. Consent ideas. Also, another issue with her is that she, and I guess this is more a comic book issue that I have with her versus a DCEU version. Because in the comic book, she's cold.

Yes. And kind of just like there to get the job done. So I think she'll end up being like a Batman because she also, it's not like she doesn't respect humanity, but she knows she's above them. Yes. Well, I think there's many different interpretations of Diana because also sometimes she's about like she doesn't respect humanity, but she knows she's above them. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Well, I think there's many different interpretations of Diana because also sometimes she's about, like, love.

Like, you know, she's like love and truth and stuff. I think it might be a bit vanilla with old Wandi. How sexual free is Themyscira? Yeah. Well, they do love tying each other up. So I don't know. In a fuck way or just because you saw them tie each other up once? You're like, what could that possibly mean

that's probably a horny thing I'm Jackson Bailey I put down the comic well the creator of Wonder Woman was a horny man who liked bondage and made that

really part of the power set so actually maybe it wouldn't be so vanilla that makes sense actually so did he implement something when they went to Themyscira

where they were just an island of bondage well yeah it was because I think also spankings were a big part of the comics of Themysciran culture. You got spanked if you didn't. So that's scary. Yeah, I don't want to get spanked by a Themysciran.

I wonder if we could spank my ass off. Oh, my God. It's like the lollipop thing, but with my buttocks. She slams me in the ass and my head pops off. She slaps my ass. My tuchus goes flying, my eyes pop out. I don't like this.

My tuchus onto a wall, slaps on. I imagine that she spanks your ass and your ass shoots into your chest and becomes your pecs. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. I think she just crushed all of my organs. You said my ass. Through my gut. What happens when I fart? What happens when I fart now?

I need to fart, Wonder Woman. I need to fart. What's going to happen? I'm going to fart on my ass. Is your butthole now in the middle of your cheeks? Or is it just cheeks in the middle of your chest? Is it just a hole with no cheeks? I feel like Wonder Woman.

What about my wife, Wonder Woman? Am I going to take clean or dirty shit? Do I need to wipe now? What happened to my wife? Why am I alive? Do me a great mercy and stab my neck. Please kill me. Put me out.

I don't want to live like this. Please try and slap it back. I've been a bad boy. Slaps you in the top of the head. Head's coming out the back now. Don't like this. This is so much worse. Kill me, please.

Okay, so Wonder Woman's the worst then. Wonder Woman's probably pretty good at eating pussy, though. Right? Surely. Yeah, she's probably great at that. She's spent a lot of time on Samuskira. I'm sure she's the worst then. Wonder Woman's probably pretty good at eating pussy though, right? Surely, yeah. She's probably great at that. She's spent a lot of time on Themyscira. I'm sure she's had many girlfriends. I think canonically she has in the past. So surely she knows, but she's had a lot of time to practice.

Yeah, sure. And a lot of people to practice on. Yeah. You know, she's- So I can imagine Themyscira being quite free with her loving. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, 100%. It feels like the 60s all the time. Yeah, exactly.

It's just that Wonder Woman might have some tastes when you start making love to her that are not your particular area of expertise and you might get your ass spanked into your chest. Or it might be the kind of thing where even if she doesn't do that, she's like, can I tie you up? And you're like, well, I'm not really super into that. And she's like, oh.

And then you have vanilla sex. And then she flies away. And then you know she's disappointed. Yeah, she knows she wishes she was spanking you to death. Or to wanting death. Yeah, for sure. Plus, lasso of truth. I don't like this.

Oh, yeah. You don't want the, uh. Well, maybe you do. Maybe that's good. Like truth dom. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know how, but it feels ethically weird. Yeah, it does.

To have the lasso of truth in your lovemaking. I don't know if I'm going to. Yeah, to have the Lass of Truth in your lovemaking. I don't know if I'm... Yeah, I want the freedom to lie mid-coitus. This rules! Can't fake an orgasm. That's true. No faking an orgasm with the Lass of Truth. Hang on, if she wraps the Lass of Truth

around the base of my penis, can I... Whoa. Come the truth. No, I was going to say... No lying sperm for me. I meant fake an orgasm. But it seems like you're implying that you can somehow

cum without orgasming. And that if you had the last of truth around your penis, you would not be able to ejaculate. I'd lose that very common ability, right? It's very common, right? Everyone can just but I didn't feel it. Coming with us.

That was nothing to me. Absolutely nothing. Okay. I guess you just make honest swimmers. Yeah. Honest little babies. That's good. So, look, I think Wonder Woman is probably, she's definitely not the worst life.

No. Not by far. But I think it's also, it could be cold, it could be clinical yeah it's a hundred percent much better like than uh batman probably has some of the same problems as batman where you're fucking actually it's kind of the same yeah it's the same as batman where like you and wonder woman are having sex and you know that she's not gonna think about this ever again yeah not in like a negative way you could be good and feel like you're just a piece of meat yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's funny.

Also with Wonder Woman is that she's pretty monogamous. You know what I mean? So I think it's very rare for her to be on the market. Think about it, especially in the DCEU. Oh, yeah. Steve Traver dies in a plane crash and she doesn't- I think she only just had like one. Yeah, that's true.

That's true. But other than, you know, people in Themyscira, sure. Fucking all around Themyscira. Yeah, exactly. Ancient Greek boning yeah well that's what ancient Greece was famous for

boning in the Olympics and yet there's no boning Olympics yeah I stopped watching the Olympics what a crazy world we live in

I stopped watching the Olympics the moment that they made you wear clothes yeah that was I think you're right I think if you're looking at like

that was cool man the more like where the comics is at the moment or like more recently where like Diana is quite cold and clinical, you're going to get something close to Batman. But if you're looking at like say the DCEU, again, I'm not quite sure what a great lover that person might be simply because they haven't had much experience. They're kind of yearning after the one dead pilot. I don't know about that. Well, I think if we for now just to step back And try and figure out A final ranking

In the DCEU Batman probably Comes out fine What about Green Lantern Oh yeah fuck Green Lantern and Hawkman Green Lantern could create Whatever he wanted

With his little ring Yeah but that would be A misuse of his ring Well Oh yeah Hawkman And Hawkman would Simply fly away

Hawkman would hit you With his big claw Did you come yet Oof Oof my head Hawkman only hit you with his big paw. Did you cum yet? Oof. Oof, my head. Hawkman only has eyes for Hawkwoman. That's true. That would be pretty fucked up if Hawkman, who keeps reincarnating alongside his one true love, just jerks me off

quietly on the side. Please don't tell. Please do not tell. This would ruin my life and many other lives. As a man who has seen Green Lantern twice, J.D., what can you tell us about Ryan Reynolds' Green Lantern in terms of his loving ability? He has no on-screen chemistry with his real-life wife,

Blake Lively, who was also a pilot in that movie, I think. Oh, Flyboy. Were they married when they filmed it? I don't know. Or is that how they met? No. I'll tell you why I think Green Lantern's a bad lover. Ryan Reynolds sucks to look at?

No. And I'm talking about comic book Green Lantern. I guess it could be either, but I'm thinking comic book Green Lantern. Because he has had access to so many alien genitals that imagine how pedestrian your balls are going to be to him. Jackson, I love the moment that they give you access to the universe. You're like, finally, I can evolve beyond human genitals. I can suck on a tentacle. If I was putting my face in genitals that were kind of like the equivalent of,

you know those things where it's like a lot of metal rods and you can put your hand on them? It's like when I put my face in it and the alien's like, and that's them coming. And then someone presents me with a vagina. Fucking Jonsville population, your vagina. Three tentacles going to come out, two that go in my ears, one that goes in my mouth. No, I don't care then.

I've had a sock pop it up my nose, and that was a guy's balls. I couldn't care less about your genitals. It's funny in this situation. All across the universe, dicks, vaginas, balls, and anuses all look different, but they're always the constant. A guy might have a sock puppet coming out of his chest, but he's like, no, these are my balls. Put them up your nose.

Okay. What's crazy about that for me on my sexual odyssey through space is that, like, I don't have the reciprocal genitals to feel. That won't feel good for me. No. Well, you're making the argument that that's good, though. Well, it's exciting. It's interesting at the very least. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And we can make it work. Yeah, we'll try at least. Yeah, yeah. After it goes up the nose, I'll be like, do you wanna try my butthole? That might be nicer for me. And they would say, yuck, boring. Yarnsville population, yawn.

Oh no! Got turned back on me. Imagine how exotic my genitals would be, wow. Your dick and balls are, like, basically touching. They're gold. Imagine that you go to space and everyone else's genitals are way more boring

and you've got the freaky genitals. I mean, a dick and balls is pretty freaky. It is crazy to see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'd be nuts. Yeah. Literally. Yay.

Anyway, final rankings. Yeah. And. Yeah. Anyway, final rankings. Yeah. And the DCEU, what is upsetting about this is when you look at just those characters, like Aquaman's probably number one. Yeah. Yep. That is disappointing. Then Superman?

Or then Wonder Woman? No, then old man Superman. Okay. Superman, old man Superman. No, no, because this is just the DCEU. E-U. Which doesn't have an old Superman. Yeah, you just got Aquaman.

We'll get to that in a second. All right. You can hold on to Superman. Number one, yeah. Aquaman, and then I think, unfortunately, and this is fucked, Batman probably still scrapes it at number two. Yeah, I think it's Aquaman number one,

everyone equal last. Well, because it'll be Aquaman, Batman, Superman. Yeah. Then you've got Diana, who's simping for a dead guy for 80 years. Yeah, that's true. It'll be a sad, bad time. Yeah.

Flash who's never fucked and will never fuck if God exists. That is a man. Yeah. That is a person who should never fuck. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Great. Martian Manhunter is pretending to be Superman's mom.

Yeah. And then Cyborg, Virgin, and Sad and whatever. And whoever I've forgotten, I don't care about. Superman's mom yeah and then uh who else Cyborg, Virgin and Sad and whatever and whoever I've forgotten I don't care about then comics though

this is where things get crazy this is where things get interesting because I think interestingly this is going to come down to preference as well for each of the Plumbing Boys plus Hayden alright

one and you're just like Green Lantern no he's got regular genitals oh that's true I want to be Green Lantern! No, he's got regular genitals! Oh, that's true. I want to be Green Lantern. Give me that fucking ring. Kilgore, the hog man Green Lantern works with, number one. I want to get round by a pig, yeah.

Guy Gardner, he's like a dirty Green Lantern down the tooth. So, number one would, I mean, if we're not disqualifying him for the technicality that we're not actually having sex with him It becomes Well what about we do it like this S tier is Martian Manhunter

Because it's above all else S tier or disqualified The herald of sex A tier, Superman Superman after a little bit of fucking I would pick Superman Superman post fuckfuck. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Post-fucks. Important. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. An experienced Supes. An experienced Supes. A-tier. Or as Hayden likes to call him, Old Man Superman. Old Man Superman, A-tier.

Wonder Woman, A-tier as well? I think Wonder Woman and Aquaman probably become like either a low A-tier or a high B-tier. You can't start putting low and high in the tiers. The tiers are there because that's what it is. I would say B tier for both of them. Okay, B for those. Okay. Flash, D.

Off the charts, like the bottom. Yeah, F tier. Cyborg's down there with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cringe tier. Yeah. Green Lantern, D, C, something like that. Oh, my God.

Is that what it stands for? D tier and C tier comics. Yeah. I think that is it. And then Hawkman. Gone. Gone. Not on the chart. He flew away. He just defined his long lost love. Alternatively, imagine you die and you wake up and Hawkman's next to you. And that's how you find out that he's in love with you yeah that you are his wife that's your wife the whole time yeah only since i jerked you off and then you told my wife then yeah s tier yeah he's imprinted on you like a baby duck yeah he's gonna keep coming back for some reason yeah yeah yeah for sure for sure yeah so s tier but for a one person yeah tier for one person who flew away for the rest.

Which is probably still better than some of the other people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've been Joel. And I've been Hayden. And Hayden, where can we find you? You can listen to me on Shut Up a Second, actually.

It's another Sandspans podcast. Really funny. It's really good. We just released an episode with Lena Moon it was really good it was fun great talked about

mermaids oh my god you were there too I was there it was good crazy yeah that's sick

I'll check that out Hayden thank you so much for coming on anyway eat pussy I love ghouls and ghosts. I unironically believe in Sasquatch. I spend too much time reading about unsolved crime,

and I've got no podcast where I can discuss any of this. Oh, wait, shit, yes, I do. If you head to sanspantsradio.com forward slash plus for as little as five buckaroonies a month, you gain access to Jackson Bailey's Spooks America, the show where I try to explain an unsolved mystery or a monster sighting or a ghost story or whatever to the

rest of Sans Pants Radio who do not care or listen. Once again, that's sanspantsradio.com forward slash plus to gain access to Jackson Bailey's Spooks America today.