Plumbing the Death Star - What are the Benefits of Leaving the Matrix? with Alexei Toliopoulos

Episode Date: May 30, 2021

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Sants Pants Radio. Australia's most family-friendly podcast network. Hey dickheads, so turns out we can be stopped. As of recording this, we don't really know what's going on with restrictions in Melbourne. They might lift on Thursday, maybe, and due to that, the live show is still happening, apparently. Will we be making international news in a week's time? Headlines across the globe that read Three dickheads ruin Melbourne Former PM Jeff Kennett campaigning to bring back the hanging just for them

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death star where we ask the important questions like, what are the benefits of leaving the Matrix? Oh my god, and today we are joined by special Matrix expert, Alexei Toliopoulos. I love The Matrix. I have encyclopedic knowledge of every digit that passes through those screens when they stare into it. When I stare into those screens, I actually, like the characters in the movie, can see The Matrix happening. Yeah, I don't see characters on the screen. I just see characters in The Matrix enjoying their life. Redhead, brunette, whatever the hell Cypher says. She's wearing a red dress and she's gorgeous.

I'm distracted by her. Yeah, a lot of twins in that scene. Ah, it's good. Tricks us, the audience, into focusing on the babes rather than the twins. The actual twins. Because everyone's like, why is there two of them? And you know why there's twins in it? Because it was developed by Mouse, and he's a lazy programmer.

He's a duplicator. So he just duplicated. He was a lazy boy. Smart. Smart. Anyway. Smart, though. So in the movie franchise, well, not just the movie franchise.

In The Matrix, a very broad popular culture, the multimedia experience. The Matrix, a very broad popular culture, the multimedia experience, the Matrix. There's obviously the concept of the Matrix, which is a fictional reality that everyone is living in, which is simply robots stealing our energy, treating human beings like batteries. It's basically six or seven square blocks of Sydney CBD around St. James Station. That's where the Matrix is, Plus one chateau somewhere. Okay? There's a chateau. Yes, yes. And in the world of this, if you become aware of it,

or if you take... I actually don't know how to get out of the Matrix apart from taking that pill that Morpheus gives you. Well, you can take the pill that Morpheus gives you. You can run too fast. Like in the Animatrix. There's a guy in the Animatrix that's extremely fast. He runs far too fast and bursts through. I'm guessing it is just things that the machines don't expect humans to do.

One, to take pills, which humans, robots, I think. It's 99. What do we love? What do we love to do? Yeah, it's 99, dude. They love popping pillsies in 99. Is this a blue pill on the floor? Oh, it's going in my mouth.

Ooh, it looks gel coated. Is that red? That's Nurofen. I'll just pop my back to be still. There it goes. Do you think Neo would have taken the pill if it was a suppository? No. Morpheus, like, the red pill or the blue pill.

Either way, you're going to have the about face and I'm going to have to pop something up. It's like they're really big pills. I don't know if I can swallow that. Oh, it's very good, Neo. You're not swallowing them. Oh, okay. Oh.

You think it's that pill? Look, the joke's there. You think it's air that breathing, but I'm talking about pill and it going up your? Look, the joke's there. You think it's air that breathing, but I'm talking about pill and it going up your ass. There we go. Audience, sometimes you got to do your own fucking work. Would you like to shelve this red pill? Would you like to shelve this blue pill?

Waking up out of the Matrix after shoving something up your ass would be an incredibly traumatic experience. That jump cut would be fantastic though. In the filmmaking where you just see that insert and then cut to him bursting out of that like little embryonic sack

or the big embryonic sack rather with all that gross fluid. Yeah, it's massive. So in the film series the multimedia experience there is some benefits for the main characters. For instance, Neo, he's the one, he's the chosen one.

He's going to like save everything. You've got to get Neo out of the Matrix. He's got to get out of the Matrix. And into the world of Zion aboard the Nebuchadnezzar. Yes. But the three fucking idiots in this room are not the chosen ones. We are. Oh, come on.

How do you know? Wait a minute. I thought I was a protagonist. I thought I was a protagonist. I'm a special guest, not a protagonist. We are. Just a fucking Muppet. Just a fucking Muppet.

We're not even shit on Neo's shoes. We're just, we wake up in the Matrix, the machines don't, like, we wake up, machines don't give a shit. We're not going to do anything. Nebuchadnezzar flies off. Oh, what's this? Dumb fuck cunt? He's out in the Matrix.

Who cares? Yeah, exactly. Squid Thing just leaves. We're like, oh, isn't he going to impale me? The way that we jump out is, like, we open, like, a can of Nurofen, and we're just like, yeah, let me just pop this pill. You actually take the wrong one. Like, oh, shit.

No, I'm bald. I'm bald, and I've got no eyebrows and I've got little PowerPoints on me. Oh, I've got little holes I can finger. A new hole to finger. That is a benefit. That's the first benefit. New hole.

New hole to finger. Many new holes to finger. That's true. May I say, one that goes directly into my brain. Exactly. And we love that jacking experience too. Well, I mean, like. If you put like, say, like a three-quarter jack into that hole,

what would happen? I think that it would just be like, there'd be a moment where, like, you know when you clean your ears? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you just reach that little precipice and you go, oh. You get a little, oh, shit. So I get like an aux cable and like just plug it directly into my brain hole. Yeah.

Because that would be like, again, if I'm on the Nebuchadnezzar, a bit bored. I'm going to do that eventually. Put something in my hole. I'm just going to be like, you know, Morpheus, like, what now? And I'm like, I stuck a screwdriver in. Can you help me? There's a safety pin lodged in mine.

I can't quite reach it. I've got one in the spine. I haven't used my limbs in a bit. I unfolded a paper clip. I tried to reset myself. Well, so what are the benefits of leaving the Matrix except, I guess, the thrill of the fact you're no longer living in an illusion?

But then also, maybe, depending on your reading of the film, the Zion world is simply another level of the Matrix. But we won't get into that just yet, because Jesus Christ. Well, the benefits are you are breaking free of that illusion. Yeah, the shackles. The shackles of the illusion. And so you might be like, even though it might not be affecting my life as it is,

subconsciously I know there is something lacking. Subconsciously there is something wrong with my life. Subconsciously, there is something at a kilter here. And maybe that is why I have anxiety. I have depression. I have all those kind of like deja vus. All these things that are happening to me, I'm like, there has to be an answer. And is the answer I have no dopamine or serotonin in my brain?

No, no, no. I'm in the matrix. That's nice. It's nice to realise that my existential dread that I'm feeling is not actually a mental disorder. It is literally the matrix. So that'd be like confirming something nice.

My neuroses is the matrix. But existential dread. You wake up and you find out your whole life has been false and also you're bald, have no eyebrows and you're in a wet sack. Yes, that's true. You're not just going to get more of that but in a different thing?

Yes. It also is kind of like waking up after being like the first person to fall asleep at like a slumber party. Yeah. So they've shaved your eyeballs, you're covered in some sort of icky goo. You don't know what's going on. You don't know where you are. I've got tubes coming out of me.

I don't like this. New holes. New holes, though. It's really hard to look past the new holes. Yeah. The benefits there are, yeah, you would be this kind of like, there was something I felt in my life that was missing or there was something that felt wrong and now I have an answer to it.

But the answer sucks. Yeah. Well, the answer is your life was a lie. And at first that would suck, but then I guess you'd be like, I'm liberated, I'm free. But then it's kind of like being like, okay, answer me this. What is the common theme or denominator for all your failed relationships? And you're like, oh, it's me. Yeah. It's me. Oh, I am the common theme or denominator for all your failed relationships. And you're like, oh, it's me. Yeah.

Oh, I am the common theme. And you're like, well, I got the answer. I don't like this. I want to go back when I was blaming. Surely it was my dad's fault, right? Yeah, it's blame someone. I need to blame someone. Yeah.

I can't let it fall onto me. No. Also, and here's another thing that may... Actually, no. The movie doesn't really go into this, but a lot of problems that people have in their day-to-day life are caused by other people. Yeah.

But everyone's personality is the same outside of The Matrix. Yeah. Everyone becomes quite bland except for Cipher, and it's because he loved being in The Matrix. His personality is done by that, and he's quite funny. He's the funniest guy outside of The Matrix, inside of The Matrix. He is the funniest guy in the, whatever, 31st century whenever The Matrix takes place.

Yeah, he's definitely the cheekiest cunt on the Nebuchadnezzar. Absolutely. Joey Pants, we love you, Joe Pantoliano. He's amazing in it,e pantoliano he's amazing in it but i think that he's right as well because i didn't think they get given enough information they're just like everything's a lie all this shit is a lie but they don't go the truth really sucks like everything's dirty no one's having baths no one having showers everyone's grimy everyone's sweaty clothes suck look at everyone around me look at

what i'm wearing right now i'm wearing a freaking pimp leather daddy jacket i've got these tiny little spectacles baby glasses incredible i look fly as shit you're gonna come back and see me i'm wearing a raggy t-shirt some raggy pants, and I've got little Coke can lids just all over my body. It's like things are yuck. Like everything's dirty. You're going to eat porridge for the rest of your life. Every meal is going to be sloppy porridge. He doesn't give you enough of like going like,

you've got to actually be pretty sweet here. So it's like, all right, I like Samorphius. I want to know the truth, but you've got to tell me some things. And Samorphius is like, okay, first thing you've got to know, number one, fashion industry, dead. Dead.

Absolutely dead. It's gone. And it's clearly important to them. When they go into the Matrix, they all look fucking hectic. They look decked out. They're all decked out. And so they clearly,

that's one of the things they miss the most. Cipher is like, obsessive, eating a little porterhouse steak all the time. He's fucking coming in his pants. I mean, if you were eating a bit of gruel for like, give it a week. How long do you think if you were eating gruel for that,

then switching to say a delicious porterhouse, you'd be like, this is the best meal. I reckon three days. One meal. One meal. If I have a regular breakfast, gruel for lunch, and then a porterhouse steak for dinner, best meal I've ever had. Absolutely.

I think you're dead on because it's just like when you've had a bad meal, you're absolutely hoping the next one just cracks that case. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I can imagine Cypher being like, I have had years of nothing but bad meals. I'm surprised they don't just like jack into the Matrix

just to go to Macca's or something. Exactly. And they're just like, give me an intravenous. That's how I want to eat in the real world. And I'm going in there simultaneously having a Big Mac. Let's do that. Yeah. Ah, the dream.

Well, yeah, because there's, like, a lot of things in the Matrix that wouldn't translate well once you burst out. Although, that being said, one thing you burst out although that being said one thing you didn't mention that they don't tell you about before you leave is oh there's also hectic rave orgies where people finger your new holes maybe he did that's and he's like oh that blue pillow in the bin that goes i think that's the selling point, though, of the benefit of leaving the Matrix is like, you're going to fucking cum worms, dude. It's going to feel really interesting.

It's going to feel freaking amazing when you fucking bust that nut. Yeah, for real this time. You thought that cumming for fake was good. Wait till you cum for real. It's like when a newborn baby comes out and the first shit is black. The first knot out of the matrix is a solid. It comes out fully solid. It crawls out of you.

Just like rips open your urethra. It's that little wormy thing that they put down his mouth and seal it up. Yeah, it's something like MTV's The Max kind of thing where he's like this big thing with teeth, just kind of like blindly just trying to find an egg. There is it. It sounds bad, but it feels good. Oh, it feels fascinating at the very least.

I think the first nut that I have, Post Matrix. Yeah, when you finally wake up, that wake-up nut. I just, because now I'm having a little existential dread. I just feel like what will happen is like, yeah, what is the good of being out of the Matrix? Because it's just going to introduce more and more existential dread. So then the little cummies that I did when I was in the Matrix, was there a little tube that a robot jerked me off?

Or was it like a probe in my brain where it's like, and that's the cum function of the brain, and I hit that. Probably what one of the holes in the back of your neck did. Extracts it out. Oh, yeah. Well, maybe you just weren't even coming. That's what I mean. Was I coming or was I being told I was coming?

You were being told you were coming. Oh, yeah. Or maybe that's what that goo sack is. I hate to say it, but that's what I've been thinking this entire time. It's just full of cum. Some sacks are just empty. You wake up from 48 years of wet dreams and they pull you out of that sack.

It would just be like all the things that I did every time I like any biological function. Did I do that? Well, here's another thing. It would just be like all the things that I did every time I like any biological function. Yeah. Did I do that? Or was it? Well, here's another thing. Did I do that? It's the Jaleel White question that we must ask.

Or was it a probe in my brain? Because using like animatrix kind of like when they experiment on the human, they like open up his brain and they're like jabbing little electrodes and he's crying and laughing and having a good time. So like every emotion I was feeling as well, was I genuinely feeling an emotion? Also, any time I had a problem like that was outside of my control, it'd be like, why did you do that to me, Matrix, you piece of shit? Maybe I'd hate the Matrix more.

No, get it. I'd become very vengeful. So you wouldn't be a cypher villain where you want to be back, but you also wouldn't be Morpheus trying to make people realise you'd just be angry. Yeah. You know what would also be fun? It'd be like the equivalent of punching a PC.

I feel that's what I'd be doing. Well, you'd channel that to be like you're one of the people that is actually leading the fight against the machines for doing this shit in the first place. Like, how dare they? How fucking dare you? I have had chronic back pain for the last 15 fucking years. And it's on you, piece of shit.

Because you guys needed your fucking juice. You needed your energy to live. Yeah. You know what you could have done? Not that. Literally anything. Had nothing but like You know what you could have done? Not that Literally anything Yeah I had nothing but like a blank

I could have been a monkey You could have made me a monkey That would have been great You could have given me the thoughts Of a monkey And you know what? That would have been good Yeah

The highlight of my day Smelling my own ass When I fricking touched my finger on it Yeah And now That would be the low light of my day As a human Yeah yeah Okay I do that now I'm like oh no The toilet paper missed And why am I sniffing? Frickin' touched my finger on it. And now that would be the low light of my day as a human. Yeah, yeah.

I do that now, I'm like, oh, no, the toilet paper missed. And why am I sniffing? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Well, there's lots of stuff that is touched on in The Matrix. So, like, Neo mentions the air and stuff that he's breathing in real life. Like, it feels a bit different. So imagine, like, you wake up from the Matrix and like things are kind, like, I mean, everything's fucked.

Like you think you've got a handle on like normal stuff, but like just pissing or shitting just feels different. Oh, and it rocks. Oh, yeah. It was like, oh, no. Oh, yeah, because this is why chicken tastes like everything because the machines didn't quite know what chicken tastes like, so it tastes a bit like everything. But that's just chicken.

What if they got shitting wrong as well? Yeah, what if shitting rules? What if it is the best feeling in the life? What if it's like we thought like cumming was cumming and shitting was shitting, but what if it was the other way around? And they're like, we're giving you this rule, that's all we eat because it goes straight through you, darling. It just goes in one side and it squirms out the other.

Because you're a robot. You're a dumb robot. You don't know. You're just being like, I guess I've got no feelings. I've got no hands. I've got no whatever. I'm pissed off while they're doing this stuff. Yeah, I'm a big baby face.

I don't know. And I'm just like, I guess this is what a hiccup feels like. Yeah. I guess this is what burping feels like. I guess this is what staring into the sun for too long feels like. I guess that's this. You know, it's like, hey, you gave my mum cancer. What the fuck, Roy?

Well, yeah, but then also, like, do people still get, like, is, like, illnesses and stuff like that, are you just dying in the pod? I don't, because if I, again, so, I'm a chronic back pain. So if I wake up in the pod and I'm fine, I'm like. Yeah, hey. Chuck me back in. What the fuck? Yeah.

But, like, yeah, again, like, you know, you had cancer or you had some kind of debilitating disease, something like that, and then it's kind of like you wake up and you just don't have it. You're like, was that a choice, Mr. Matrix? You didn't want me to have a happy little battery for you? You had to put me as a miserable one? Yeah. Or what if it functions similar to how the Scream Factory works

in Monsters, Inc., and they think they get more juice out of humans if they're miserable and hate their lives? But then how would you explain, like, the mega rich or whatever? Maybe that's the fuck-up, and maybe the people being stood on is actually what they're aiming for. God, how good would it be if there's an alternate version of the Matrix where the machines find out it's better if they're happy

and they get Billy Crystal to do stand-up in the Matrix. And the only thing that they watch is just all these little people in their battery life pods just watching Billy Crystal doing stand-up all the time. Hosting awards ceremonies. It's just all the Billy Crystal catalogue just played back to front the whole time. City Slickers.

One and two. They always have them back to back, but they mix the rest up. It's not in chronological order. But City Slickers, they've got to come one after the other. Yeah, but then you've got to think of the Billy Crystal pod. Billy Crystal's just there. He's going to become the new Pagliacci or whatever. He's going to be like, Matrix, I'm sad.

He's going to be like, well, have you watched the latest Billy Crystal special? And Billy Crystal being like, but Matrix, I am Billy Crystal. That is actually like the perfect speculative fiction thing because a lot of the times they're like there's a perfect utopia but in one room there is one feral child that is that is taught living a cruel and disastrous and tortured life but in this one it's just crystal winkle chained up forced to watch city slickers one and two back to back. Knowing that everything is just... He's making funny or die sketches with a gun through his head and stuff. Okay, I'm doing When Harry Met Sally, but it's me and freaking Helen Mirren and we're vampires and geriatrics, okay?

That's a real funny or die sketch that I'm going to make for you guys right now. I'm going to do it. Poor Billy. So in The Matrix, obviously they're recruiting people to join the team to take down the robots. But what was – my memory may not be as great as yours when it comes to the Matrix, but what was Trinity's motivation for Lee?

I think it is because she knows that she's going to fall in love with the One. Yeah, she's going to fall in love with the One. She's part of the prophecy, right? Yeah, she went to the prophecy. But again, a lot of the people that – Why is he pulled out? Well, because he was born in Zion. Oh, that's true.

Cipher? Well, he was promised. Again, a lot of these things come about people just knowing or realising that there's something wrong. Yeah. And that's the kind of thing, whereas that deep- something niggling in your thought pattern to be like, there is something going on here and I can't quite put my finger on it.

If only I had an extra few holes. Yeah. That's even funnier to put us in this situation because like we aren't part of the prophecy. We've just accidentally figured it out. You're familiar with the concept of falling upwards. Yeah. We fell up way too high. Morpheus, can we do anything to help? And he's like, can you hold this giant gun? Like it's very heavy. but falling upwards. Yeah, we fell up way too high. Sorry, guys. Sorry, guys.

Morpheus, can we do anything to help? And he's like, can you hold this giant gun? We're like, it's very heavy. Okay, we're going to chuck you back in here. I was weak in the Matrix. I'm very weak in the here. Yeah. So how does that work? Well, I guess one benefit of leaving the Matrix,

well, the second benefit, because as we've established, there was a very clear first benefit, which was new holes to finger. And then anything involving orases feels freaking electric. Everything, well, every experience you thought you'd done a million times in the matrix is actually a virgin experience in the real life. So everything could feel different, which is scary

and not necessarily a benefit. But one benefit is you can leave the matrix and go back in and do stuff like learn Kung Fu. Yeah. That's cool. Maybe you could like program yourself to, well, I guess,

I don't know why Cypher doesn't do this, but like, okay. If there's like a, like a fucking Kung Fu simulator where he can learn how to become the master of Kung Fu, have a suck off simulator, go in there and get the most sucked-on dick in the world.

Just roll. And Morpheus, don't watch me this time. Don't watch my progress here. Because you could just be like, can I get just like a full therapy? Just plug me into therapy. Yeah, can I clock therapy? Can I clock therapy just like that?

Sick, done. Yeah, because if you can trick your brain into getting really good but then it only affects you in the it's kind of hard to say because neo we see him use some of the stuff outside of the matrix but also a con can fly yeah it doesn't count he's the one he's the one no one else can do it when it comes to the matrix when it comes to the matrix with the matrix like, with the programming and being like, hey, I know Kung Fu, I know how to fly this helicopter, I can do a kickflip, all these kind of things, you're like, okay, cool.

That's a physical thing I can do. But if I'm like, hey, teach me calculus, teach me trigonometry, teach me the fundamentals of philosophy, or teach me anything that is just knowledge base. Can the matrix do that? And can I then transfer that into the real world? That's what I mean. Like Trinity,

when she learns how to fly the helicopter, presumably because that's mostly knowledge base, it's not just like muscle memory. So I guess so. Knowledge you can take out. But then if she goes out into the real world, if there was a helicopter, could she fly it? Can she access that part of her memory, though?

Yeah. Or is it just like when she's in there, you're level? Like it's the same as like when you play a video game, you're playing an RPG and you're freaking grinding, you're levelling up, you're chopping down trees, you're getting all those things. But in the game, I've learned how to do all of these things like fly a helicopter or use some cool magic.

I'm imagining myself playing Fable right now. Yeah, that's sick. So I'm doing those. I'm learning from the guild master. And then I go, oh, I've got to stop playing this game. I can't then go, well, allow me to do a cool little trick for you guys. I can't even swing a sword, even though I've swung a sword a thousand million times in video games.

That's true. I mean, like, is the equivalent of her learning how to pilot a helicopter being like press X and hold up? Yeah, I'm assuming it would be, right? I know how to drive in GTA. I know how to drive in GTA. I know how to drive in Halo. I know how to drive in many different video games. I don't hold a learner's permit in real life,

and I don't think those skills have translated whatsoever. Hmm. Hmm. There is maybe something on that. But, again, that is a skill that you learn to fly a helicopter in the Matrix. But if I'm like basic trigonometry, those are just basic knowledge that I can kind of like. It's like when you play those games that teach you touch typing.

Yeah. Right. I like the spelling of the dead and stuff like that. Expand your brain. Or like, what about like a language app? If I'm like, hey hey Matrix or whoever's up there teach me Spanish and then I learn Spanish

and you're like muy buen and then if I come out am I like or am I like I don't know what I was saying or is it the thing where I'm just like well I know how to speak Spanish so then when I'm in the Matrix I can just hit a button

And be like you know change language to Spanish And so it just happens automatically Well I guess The best thing that we have to go off it Is that people As the films progress you see more fighting Outside of the Matrix And not heaps

And they can't do the same stuff that manipulates gravity and things like that but they can fight if they've learned that in the matrix are they fighting outside the matrix so we really see a sweet mech fights and they're usually piloted by people that are like born in zion that's a very good point i guess trinity's not doing like a double kick back flip or something because if i was like hey uh i I want to learn how to use these mechs, like these mechs, because that's going to protect Zion. And then I'm like, cool, plug me into the Matrix, teach me and upload me how to use a mech suite,

and then chuck me in the mech and then I can use it in real life. But they don't do that because they don't have holes to finger. That's true. They need holes to finger. And it also would be like I know the fight scenes in, like, Revolutions where that guy who's got agent smith in his head yeah yeah as a virus comes out and attacks neo that's not like an expertly kung fu choreographed not at all right like that's just like a struggle yeah yeah so maybe

not i guess so that's not even a benefit if you leave the matrix to then go back into the matrix i am me uh-huh one of the maybe the one of the world's dumbest fucks yep and i'm like chuck me in top 100 chuck me in making me a smart boy yeah plug me in teach me all kinds of things i want speed read me great novels everything like that i want the knowledge in there and i become a genius a clever genius handsome boy in the matrix i'm like man i'm so fucking clever, I'm going to write a novel. I'm going to write a book. I'm going to write a thesis about how great all these things, like a unifying theory behind all these different novels I've done.

They pull me out of The Matrix and I'm like, I can't hold a pen. I just don't know how. Like, fuck. That could happen. Right? Yeah, because, like, you don't really get that. I'm a clown. No, still me.

Still dumb as shit. They pull you out and you're like, duh. I missed the toilet paper again. I got shit on my fingers. It's bad. If I was a monkey. Please make me a monkey. This would be great.

This is the remake that we need to do. It's you as Cypher. I'm trying to get back in and become a fucking monkey, okay? I've heard it's pretty fucking cool. Get me back in there. Remember the highlight of their day is sniffing their fingers after they touch their arsehole? I know. I do that and I'm like, I made a mistake.

This is bad. This is an error. Why? Smells like shit and arse. I know. It's never good. And now a mistake. This is bad. This is an error. Why? Smells like shit and ass. I know. It's never good. And now a quick word from our sponsors. Jackson here to interrupt your show and tell you that you should be listening to Shut Up A Second,

Sands Pants Radio's oldest and longest running podcast. It's got a simple premise. We pick a topic, anything from shoes to big bellies, and then we just try to be funny about it for 30-odd minutes. It's a blast. So search for Shut Up a Second wherever you find your podcasts. Yeah, I'm really struggling. Okay, the benefits.

Okay, I get to eat gruel. Yay. New fingers to hold. That's great. gruel. Yay. New fingers to hold. New fingers to hold. That's great. New fingers to hold. New holes to finger. New holes to finger.

Also great. Look, fashion is dead. That can be, look, I'm going to put that as a neutral because even though it's sweet to be like. You don't need to try.

It's like how a school uniform is sometimes good because you don't need to think about it. And they have a uniform. It's a sack. It's not a great uniform but it's there. And maybe it makes you see beyond need to think about it. And they have a uniform. It's a sack. It's not a great uniform but it's there. And maybe it makes you see

beyond the physical attraction to people. You find more meaningful relationships. Sweet orgies. But you can also have sweet orgies in the Matrix if you so choose. You can jump into my newly designed suck-off simulator or whatever.

You can have the most sucked on genitals of all time. Exactly. There's learning new skills, but not really. Yeah. And I can't really apply them because I, once again, in the sucky real world, which is kind of garbage and crap, I get to be on a spaceship. Yes. It's not even space, is it?

I get to be on a floating ship. Isn't it an electric hover ship? Yeah, I can't remember. Are we in Earth or above Earth? We're under Earth. Yeah, that's under Earth because it's subterranean tunnels because the sky is gone. They destroy the sky. The humans did that.

28,000 or something. Humans accidentally nuked Earth. No, no, no. We were like, okay, so we made robots, and robots were like, okay, we're robots. And then humans were like, sick. Well, you're basically our slaves. So you do all the shit we want.

And then the robots were like, well, we're getting smart and realizing this, so fuck that. So we're going to fuck off and make our own little country. So they make their own little country, and they're like, this is the robot country. This is great. We want to be recognized by the UN. And so they send two robots to the UN.

And they're R2-D2 and 3PO, okay? It's funny and it's cute. They're like, hey, we would like to be taken seriously as a new nation. And they get beaten. They get ripped to shreds by humanity. And that is maybe a declaration of war. I don't know. You decide.

And then war happens because you, man human are like, fuck you, robot. Pick up my trash. And they start shooting them in the head. It's really upsetting. Yeah. It's a lot of like, you know, human on robot violence. Yeah. But then again, it's robots.

They're better than us at a lot of things. Yes. Especially bending. Bending. They're very good at bending. They don't need to breathe. No, lot of things. Yes. Especially bending. Bending. They're very good at bending girders. They don't need to breathe. No, they don't. Yeah.

And so then they're like, well, they're solar powered, so we'll just block out the sun. Yeah. And then we block out the sun and the robots are like, you dumb fucks. Are you serious right now? Yeah, you guys, the dumbest cunts. You dumbest fucks. And I'm like, yes, we've established this.

I'm in the top 100 of dumbest fucks. I don't know how to hold a pen, I told you. Can't figure it out. And then the robots are like, well, we'll just make batteries out of man. And then we go again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, yes. So.

Yeah. So you get out of the Matrix. Realize that the sun's fucked up. Realize that. The folly of man. The folly of man that we kind of fucked up pretty bad. And this is all kind of our fault. And if anything, the robots are doing a great kindness by not letting us live in the shithole that is reality. Because they live in the shithole that is reality. They're doing the best they can.

Like, yeah, sure, Joel Zammett, your back has hurt for 15 years nonstop. And bad things happen to everyone constantly. It's not a great place sometimes. But, you get to live in a world where you weren't stupid enough to be part of a race that has nuked the sun. Yeah. You can see the sun. Yeah, it hurts your eyes.

We program that. I think that's what the sun did? We don't know. But guess what? It hurts your eyes, but you get to wear the coolest things in the world. Little baby sunglasses, wraparounds, any style of sunglasses you want. You know how big your face now looks? It looks huge. It looks incredible. You've got these amazing glasses.

You look hip. You look with it. And best of all, you look extremely cool. Maybe they make looking at the sun hurt solely as a reminder of trying to get humans to stop looking at the sun in case they do it again and get that idea by looking up. What if we got rid of that sun that powers all these rumors? I think one of the benefits would be exclusively dependent

on where you actually live in the matrix if you're like neo and you live in like sydney it's probably not that bad but when you go see like the merovingian and stuff like that with like monica bellucci yeah and they've got like yeah werewolves are real you don't see them in the movie they talk about werewolves just like as former like you know almost like they're like the universal monster movies were actually in an earlier version of the Matrix where we had your Frankensteins, you had your werewolves. Your Draculas, your ghosts. Your Draculas, your ghosts and all that stuff.

I think that if you're in Europe, if you're a Europe Matrix resider, you're like, get me the heck out of here. There's all this spooky shit going on. I don't like this stuff. That would be it. But if you're just like got a normal life in Sydney, you're like, whatever, man. Working a desk job in a real high building. Exactly.

Someone calls you and tells you to go out the window. Don't. Sit down. Yeah, sit down. I like my button pusher job. Yeah, it's fun. Ada Nicodemus goes to the same club as me. That's cool.

Yes, it's awesome. So the benefits really. And also in The Matrix you get to like write programs to wipe out your parking tickets or whatever that's pretty neat that's true and that comes on a floppy disk yeah that's sick bring back floppy disks yeah so i guess really when you really break it down you really look at it there's two benefits to leaving the matrix and that's it if you're just a regular person and that is one you really like you get to you shed the feeling that your life is a lie you get the truth two you get a new hole the finger that's it yeah yeah yeah yeah everything else kind of sucks all the way down like say for

example like what if you know if you're a family man yeah i feel like i have a great family uh you know or it's like or even like you're a person with a new family like Like, okay, I just started out in my life and this is where I think the future's going. I have a wife and a brand new baby boy or baby girl and this is my future. And then you have something in the matrix and you're like, where are they? Where did they go?

I'm gone now and they're in there and I want to be in there. Or you're like, well, I just miss them. Well, even if you both wake up, your wife's sack's probably not next to your sack. Well, yeah. And if it is, then is it true love or was it just programmed? You'd still find each other out there.

I reckon you'd find each other. I actually believe immensely in the power of love. And I believe it goes through simulations and reality like something from a divine sender. I'm talking about cupids. The little naked baby cherub and his bow and arrow himself. But what if you do wake up and the person

that you had a child with is also next to you? And then I wouldn't stop thinking that this is planned. This was laziness because the shortest path between us was just next to us, so that's why they did it. And so then these feelings that I had to this person are gone,

or are they, because I was forced because a little robot jammed me with his little probe into my brain to make me. And especially if it's like a rom-com thing where it's like, yeah, the guy is freaking Seth Rogen, the chick is Katherine Heigl, and you're like, she gets out in the real world and it's like a rom-com thing where it's like, yeah, the guy is freaking Seth Rogen. The chick is Katherine Heigl. And you're like, she gets out in the real world. It's like, okay, dude, maybe I'm going to be looking around. We've got Morpheus over here. He's a top 10 hunk.

Yeah. Look at the littlest glasses you've ever seen. Yeah, absolutely. Little tiny MTV's cast. Yeah, now I'm exploring it like, oh, shucks. I should have stayed in the Matrix. Really? The best way to avoid all of these horrible feelings

that you are, Giles, I can tell we're not ready for this episode. No. This is sort of like, again, because it would just put everything into question. Everything. Every decision I've made. Just thinking about it seems to put all of it in.

Just thinking about it seems to put all of it in. Because again, every decision that you make is affected by your brain, but your brain right now is being controlled by a little robot being like, eh, eh, eh. Or is it jabbing it? Give me that juice. Yeah.

The juice. All for that juice. It might be really good juice. It might be good juice. Yeah, you might get the taste of the juice. I could get the taste of the juice. Well, we all did taste the juice because when we were babies, we were bathing in that juice.

That's true. Do you think you would take the pill to get out? Well, again, what has Morpheus said? That's true. Do you think you would take the pill to get out? Well, again, what is more for your set? Yeah, true. You get to wake up in a real world and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, or you get to go back to your world. And I'm like, oh, yeah, and then I'm like, fuck. Yeah.

I think in reality I'd take both and see what happens. Oh, yeah. You're just like awake in the little fucking tub, but you don't get out of it. You're like, oh, shit, it wasn't enough to break the sack open and I just drowned. Yeah, I think, again, initial curiosity because, again, if I'm feeling at a loss, if I'm feeling that something's wrong,

there's a little thing in the back of my mind being like, it's all fucking fake. Again, it's all Plato's cave and it's like all these shadow monsters and you look around and you're like, ah, it's just some dumb cunt making little hand puppets. Ah, it's just a little fucker. But this has been like, look at these shadow monsters. And you look around and you're like, oh, it's just some dumb cunt making little hand puppets. Oh, it's just a little fucker. But this has been like, look at these shadow puppets of a beautiful life. And you're like, wow.

And then you look behind and it's a fucking squid robot being like. That is their famous noise. And you're like, okay, that's a lot more terrifying than the shadow wall. The shadow wall was quite nice. The shadow wall had a sunset. I don't get a sunset. There's no sunset in the real world It's shit It's shit

The sun set air finally There's no sunrise No, not at all So yeah, I think I would be I'd betray my team I'd betray them That's why the movie's so good, okay guys? Because it's a fucking documentary, okay?

It's the best documentary of the 20th century. People say Hoop Dreams. I say no. The Matrix. This is what people would really do. Everyone would become sci-fi. Everyone would be like, fuck this. I hate gruel.

Give me that steak. Give me that freaking steak, dude. Agent Smith and the other agents hunt them down because they can sense that they're not meant to be there, which means if you leave the Matrix, you can't go back. Well, that's why I'm with Cyphers, being like, hey, I'll do a deal. I'm doing a deal with you guys. I'll sell out these cunts,

because fuck them. Just put me back in the Matrix, make me rich. I'd be like, stipulations, yeah, like, again, make me rich. Give me that suck-off chip. Give me that suck off chip give me that suck off chip make me ripped yeah I want to be ripped

I want to be ripped boy I want to be tall tall yeah yeah make me grow like a real nice beard yes not the weird little goatee

that I've stuck with permanently yeah hate that balding why is that a thing Mr. Matrix Man long luscious flowing hair and I want big hands with you permanently. Yeah, I hate that. Balding, why is that a thing, Mr. Matrix Man? Long, luscious, flowing hair.

And I want big hands and feet and limbs. I want to be a monster. Can you make me that werewolf we were discussing before? I think one thing that would really eat at me is if I left and then came back, then I was like, I feel like I would have the sense of being watched all the time because I know I'm asleep in it. I might feel fine, but I'm like,

you know that feeling of you're doing something and you can feel someone watching you? That, all the time. Well, that's why people are leaving the Matrix. Yeah, that's true. But what would you, again, I think we're all across the board here, we'd all sell out our crew to go back in. They're not even that nice. I'm a runt. I'm a rat.

I'm a scraggler. I'm a little rat boy. I'm a scoundrel, dude. I'm looking out for number one. What do you mean? They don't have ice cream here and I'm trying to plug back in? What would you sell your crew for? Because Cypher's being like, I want to forget, which is a great first move.

I want to forget and I want to be rich. Yeah. But I reckon you could go further because there is literally nothing you could. If you go too far, they just pick you up by your head and crush your head. Yeah, but they get the one. They might be happy negotiating. Yeah, exactly. I know one of them is the one because Trinity's stopping him,

so I've got the intel. I guess I would just do the creature comforts that I really want. I want extremely rare Blu-rays that I've been chasing for years. I want to have a big, big Blu-ray collection. Do you have any examples? Yes. I would love this special edition of Possession by Mondo Video that I really would want.

Mondo Vision, that's what I want. It's an out-of-print version that has a velvet sleeve. Give me that. I would also like to meet Mike Myers. That's another thing. What era? Any era. In fact, I want my whole family to be played by different Mike Myers.

I want that experience and then my next door neighbours are the Clumps. I want to live a fantasy funny life. I want to be entertained nonstop. That's what I would really like. And then also food, all food is like MSG.

Like everything tastes a little bit better. Yes. That's it. I want like a permanent MSG sachet on the roof of my mouth so when I need that little hit, I tap it. Like almost like a cyanide pill in your back tooth tooth but it's got infinite freaking thingo and then i would say uh like the tim tim tim tam ads infinite tim tams when you get to the end of a tim tam it just fills up fills up great great wishes i think i would just simply be like let me forget let me keep my new hole

that's it. Yeah, just one, okay? You don't even need to tell me which one. Yeah, you can choose. I just want the one. I reckon I'd go to Europe Matrix. Maybe I'll be one of them ghoul boys that feed on rats or something. It's a fun life.

Yeah, I want to go on that big highway. Can I go real fast on that big highway once? Yeah, put me on top of a truck. Yeah, make me one of them ghost boys and, I don't know, spook some folk. Yeah. That sounds like a fun life. And put me in one of those freaking Billy Crystal comedy clubs that are making the energy

go much faster. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And make all the energy super powerful those are our bots. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or I thought maybe those ghost twins

were pretty cool, but what if they were a triplet? Just saying. Become the third ghost twin. The third ghost twin, yeah. I would love that. You see? Maybe we all become ghost twins. Yeah. But I get to keep my new hole. Yeah,. Become the third ghost twin. I would love that. Maybe we all become ghost twins.

Yeah. But I get to keep my new hole. Yeah. We all get to keep our new hole. Well, that's just like, you know. It's a given now. We're keeping the holes, guys. We're keeping the holes. All right.

One, make us forget. Two, holes. These are things that are non-negotiable, Mr. Matrix. Three, rare Blu-rays. Rare Blu-rays. Rare Blu-rays. Three, holes. Let us forget. We're going to wake up and be like, oh, cool, a hole. Matrix. Three rare Blu-rays. Rare Blu-rays. Rare Blu-rays, holes, let us forget.

We're going to wake up and be like, oh, cool, a hole. Yeah. That's it. And then we're going to sweep some Blu-rays and maybe... We can rest easy knowing that Neo is currently being shot by robots. The thing is, I just rest easy because I wouldn't know nothing. I reckon if you go to sleep with a smile on your face, you wouldn't know why.

Absolutely. I'd be like, I think that guy I hate is dead. Just like, I feel like I achieved something today, but I just can't put my finger on it. But I know what I am going to put my finger on. Scratch the back of my head and I'm like, ooh. Go find like an aux cord and just jack in and jack off. That would be pretty good.

And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Joel. And I've been Alexi. And Alexi, where can we find you outside of this beautiful podcast? You can find me on this very network on the podcast, Total Reboot. Yeah, it's me and Cameron James, very funny boy. I'm funny too, I promise you. And we talk about movies.

We pick an interesting topic that connects a bunch of films together and talk through them like a film festival curator just for you. We did a bunch on teen films, talking about some of our favourites, including Donnie Darko, Boys in the Hood, Clueless, et cetera, et cetera. And the next one we're doing is called Australian Psycho. We're going to be talking about those dangerous blokes that Australian film and culture seems to be obsessed with, like Chopper, Ned Kelly, Mad Max, to name but a few that could be examples.

Very exciting. Who's your favourite? I love Chopper. I love Chopper. He started as an assassin in Melbourne's underworld and then became a touring comedian around RSLs across the whole country. He went into a workplace of someone that I'm friends with. So my friend had like a part-time job in high school

and Chopper came in and was like, do you mind if I borrow those scissors? And my friend was like, what? And then he just leant over the counter and grabbed the scissors. And my friend was like, I honestly thought I was about to be killed by Chopper Reed. But really Chopper was just opening like a, you know, like a-

Well, you know, like- Opening some guys. Like a cord or something. And you know how like they're in like the plastic things that you have to cut up. You needed something. Wow. Really makes you think. Thank you for coming on the show, Alexei.

Thank you for having me on the show, fellas. Anytime. Hey, I'm George Jimriles, and i'm here to talk about bookish my book themed interview podcast where i get a different guest on every week to talk about their favorite book and what that says about them it's kind of half about the book and a lot about the guest because i'm trying to figure out why that thing you love is that thing you love. So if you've ever wondered, I like this thing. I wonder what that reflects about me. This show is basically me trying to figure that out every week with a new guest. It's kind of half book podcasts and half psychoanalysis session

from someone taking some wild shots in the dark. But it's a lot of fun and I think kind of informative. And there's books.