Plumbing the Death Star - What are the Consequences of Mario Kart?

Episode Date: August 18, 2014

In which our heroes slip on a banana peel and blue shell themselves. It’s Mario’s reign of terror as we try to work out the logistics of organising a go-kart race with your nemesis, your girlfriend who keeps getting kidnapped under your watch, a living fungus and an actual, wild gorilla to name a few. Jackson looks at things from the perspective of a goomba, Duscher brings forth Mario’s clear agreement with Bowser to terrorise his friends every time they have a party and Zammit marvels at Mario’s diabolic genius of making his friends compete to join him on his next adventure. It’s a brightly coloured Mario themed Hunger Games as everyone spends far too much time doing terrible impressions of video game characters. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans Pants Radio, forged from steel. Do you have good news, like you don't have a tumour in your brain? Me too! Why don't you celebrate by going to redbubble.com and searching for Sans Pants Radio and wearing our stuff on your chest. Hey, welcome to another episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask important questions like, what are the consequences of Mario Kart?

Alright, so Mario Kart 8 came out sort of recently, and since then I've just been obsessed with it. Like, holy shit. I thought it was off the Mario Kart bandwagon, but right back on. Much like my addiction to heroin, I just can't kick it. Can't get enough. But after like a 16-hour bender,

when I started questioning my sanity, my life choices, I then realised, reached a much more intense epiphany of, what the fuck is going on in that game? Just driving karts. Yeah, just driving karts. Racing games. Mario, Luigi, Peach. Yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah, having a bit of a Sunday morning Sunday morning drive but fucking Bowser, Wario even Donkey Kong who's kidnapped Peach as well what's going on? I feel like Donkey Kong and Mario have made reparations I don't know if someone kidnapped my girlfriend and threw barrels at me 25 years ago

I'd still be mad at them do you think it's like an uneasy kind of truce? Mario's like I forgive you he's like oh gee I'd still be mad at them. Do you think it's like an uneasy kind of truce? Mario's like, I forgive you. He's like, whoa! Oh, gee. You are a scary gorilla. That is Gorilla Full.

You're welcome. But I guess he's wearing a tie now. He's civilized. He got society. Yeah, he's like, look. Donkey Kong, gorilla about town. I was wrong to kidnap your girlfriend. I apologize. I just am so worried about...

Is that Peach he gets kidnapped in the first one? No, it's Pauline. Still Mario who's banging her. That's true. Clearly. Yeah, Bowser's kidnapped Daisy and Peach, who are both invited to this kart race with Bowser. Like, that means that Mario had to sit down with everyone

and be like, look, I know we've had a struggle in the past, but we need some... I think we should invite Bowser. And everyone would be like, look, I know we've had a struggle in the past, but we need some... I think we should invite Bowser. And everyone would be like, and this has happened eight times. Eight times. And also, say for a minute, be like, Bowser's fine now, like, I guess

uneasy, but we'll invite him. But that means that you're racing with your friends, and they're just flat out trying to hurt them. Like there's weapons in that game. That's a good point. I mean, what ultimately are the kart racers for? Are they like some attempt at diplomatic peacekeeping?

What's going on there? Yeah, look, so Bowser, instead of having a war with us or fighting us, how about we just solve all that aggression out on a friendly game of, well, not so much a friendly game, but a game of go-karting. He's like, all right, yeah. And he's like, by the way, there'll be weapons. We will be attacking each other. That's cool. You will be able to pop a banana peel out behind yourself.

No, banana peel is not so much. It's the Bob-ombs. Throwing them at everybody. The blue shells, which are pretty much just like a nuclear explosion I like to think and I'm fairly sure that Wario was not invited he does not seem like the kind of man that goes places he's wanted

no places he's not wanted maybe that's the point it's Mario's invited Toad and Luigi and Peach and all them to have a good time go-karting and then it just gets gate crashed by Bowser and his gang Wario's invited Toad and Luigi and Peach and all them to have a good time go-karting. And then it just gets gate-crashed by Bowser and his gang. Wario time! And at the same time, Wario's just kicking because Wario seems to be this kind of person.

So maybe that's the point. There's not as much conversation going down. I feel like Waluigi might have been invited. Yeah, that might have been like, Waluigi's like the guy who's really good when his, like, asshole friend's not there. Oh, yeah. You're like, oh, Waluigiigi you're a good time and he's like hey how's everybody going and then Wario turns up

like where and he's like oh fuck you guys yeah and maybe that's it they're like or they've like double booked the go karting at the same time and Mario's like look I don't want to make it a bit of a I don't want to make a fuss

look if we say and the reason they're probably karting together is because they keep calling each other out like Wario keeps being I don't want to make a fuss Look, if we say And the reason they're probably cutting together Is because they keep calling each other out Like Wario keeps being like You're a faggot, Mario Tiny dick Mario That's mean You want to race a tiny dick Mario

Fuck you, I'll beat you in race Mario's a faggot Okay, well even So yeah, I reckon that if Double Booked it, neither one are back down, because backing down shows weakness. No, no, no, because I see what you're doing there, like, Double Booking, that makes sense.

These carts are fucking made in the middle. That's a good point. It's not like an arena. It's like the fucking... There's Warriors Stadium, which is a whole stadium dedicated to a go-kart. Well, again, maybe they've got like the neutral go-karting towns. Yeah, but what's Mario doing at Warrior Stadium?

Unless Warrior called him out again. You're such a pussy, you can't afford a Wario at his own stadium. Yeah, yeah. And Mario's like, fuck you, I'll do it. I'll challenge you. I'll challenge you to this fucking go-karting duel. Mario. Is that Luigi?

Mario. No, Mario. Stay at home. Hang out with the toads. Fuck you, Luigi. I have shit to do. Skulls to fucking settle Imagine like Before they go car

Fucking Toad just runs out with like a hammer And smacks Wario in the leg Runs off again Hang on Toad's voice is like that Fuck you, Wario Why does Toad's voice is like that fuck you Wario why does Toad's voice sound so fucking gruffly

but that doesn't solve every problem like fucking Mario Tennis is this you telling me the same thing has happened even if we extend it and say the same fucking thing keeps happening with every sport we arrive at the biggest bullshit thing out of all of this consequence.

Mario Party. Mario fucking party. You get an invite to the Mario Party. You do not crash the Mario Party. That's true. But you don't play as... Wait, do you play as Bowser anymore? No, Bowser's the prick.

Wario. I think, again... Wario Donkey Kong? Yeah, Donkey Kong's fine. He's, like, made amends. See? He's made amends. You don't know with Donkey Kong.

See, we're assuming that he doesn't want to fuck Pauline or kidnap her anymore. I don't even know where Pauline went. See? No one cares. Donkey Kong might have killed her. We're pretty sure she did. It's really funny if you just imagine Donkey Kong as an actual wild gorilla. And they're like,

You want to play at a Mario party with us, Donkey Kong is an actual wild gorilla. And they're like, you want to play at a Mario Party with us? Donkey Kong. I guess that's a yes. First person to make 50 moves and get to the stars wins. Alright. Oh no,

DK just ripped off Peach's face. Shit, shit, shit, shit. Run! Run! When you're playing Mario Party, Peach's face. Shit, shit, shit, shit. Run, run! So yeah, when you're playing Mario Party, it's fine. Run, run! And they're like, not until you roll the dice. Fuck you, Mario. But that's fucked.

No, that's fine, because Bowser's crashing in. Yeah, but Wario's not. We already established that Wario is just crushing in parties who is uninvited. He's always there. He's like, fuck you, I'm Wario. Deal with it. Bowser's got a set place on the board. So that means Mario and Bowser have to discuss this. He's like, you're kind of a prick.

I'll invite you to the party. You're not allowed to play but you can fuck everyone up. So Bowser, I have this idea for like a party. And it's basically like a big board, and, like, we do a little games. What kind of games? Oh, you know, the games where you have to run on logs so you fall in lava? It's the one where there's, like, a spinning platform.

You've got me on lava. And it gets electrocuted, and you have to jump in a time. I'm liking this electrocution of you and your friends. Yes, it's me and my friends. A peach, a daisy, a warrior probably making an appearance. And what I kind of want you to do is I want you to be on a square. You kind of play. But if somebody lands on the square you're on, you get to take their money.

All right. So you kind of arrive there. Can I watch you guys being let down and going along? Yeah, that's fine. Or whatever. And maybe, can there be some games where, like,

I get to attack you? Maybe you can't be part of it. I don't mind the master. Basically, I just want to see my friends in a bad situation. I also, are you going to be in these bad situations? Then I'm so on board.

Oh my god. Literally on the board. I understand now. Mario Party is just Mario testing his friends to see who he should take on his next adventure. And it just happens that

Luigi has just been the most qualified. But then recently, Toads have been popping up. Toads have been doing alright in the Mario Party. It all makes sense. Mario Party's kind of like

the Hunger Games. Yeah. Like a fucked up multicolored Hunger Games. That's fucked. Mario's fucked, man. Mario's messed up. Mario's genius. He's eliminating them as he goes.

That's why he keeps inviting Warrior. He's like, fuck you, Warrior. You're gonna hurt yourself. I don't know why Wario doesn't leave. Yeah, that's the thing. It's sort of like, Mario's just vindictive of everybody. He hates them all.

He's kind of wants them to get home. All that rage. Like, Peach keeps getting kidnapped. I know what I'll do. I'll toughen her up. I'll toughen her up. Make her a strong... No, actually, no.

No. I'll just get my revenge. I can't... Beating up my wife is still frowned upon in the Mushroom Kingdom, but throwing a shell at her is A-OK. But what if you were like fucking Peach, and Mario comes and is like,

I'm having another Mario party. My tenth one. You'd think she'd be like, I'm not coming, Mario. And he'd be like, Mario, no. I'm not coming. Let's go.

She's not Italian. Princess of Peach. So... Yeah, why would you go? Why are they all going? Are they... She's not Italian. Princess of Peach. So, why are they all going? Are they, is Mario like, it won't be like last time. This time it'll be fun.

It'll be fun. This time it's on a boat or some shit. This time, there's nothing going down. There won't be any violence. Like, trust me, blue shells,

there's no shells anymore. Also, what else is fucked is Mario's organized all these events and just names them after himself. What a narcissistic prick. Yeah, imagine if you got a letter in the mail, it was like, you're invited to the new Mario party. You'd be like, fuck. We're part of this too.

Nah, because it's Mario organizing it, that's fine. Mario tennis, Mario golf. He's organizing it all. Mario strikers. Mario smash football. Same game. I don't see Luigi coming up with these ideas. It's all Mario. Mario 2-on-2 basketball. Luigi lacrosse.

Well, as soon as Luigi organizes a lacrosse game... Why are you inviting people to this Wario? I don't understand You're just shitting in a back alley A Wario takes a dump in a back alley Like crabs Plays crabs

Not just like Oh fuck a War Mario taking a mean shit. I just figured it was Wario. Everybody get around. Watch me take a shit. It's Wario time to poop. I feel like backgammon might have been a smarter way to go with it. No, but I don't know.

Craps in the back alley. It feels shady like Wario. You've also got Yoshi involved. He's just a lizard. Yeah, he's barely sentient. He doesn't know what's happening to him. He lets people ride him. Oh, fuck Mario. It's fucked for Mario Kart,

because that's just Mario being like, get in a car. That's a go. That's a break. Yoshi! Yes. Shy Guy! That's the break. Yes. Mario, you're fucked. Shy guys as well are barely sentient.

They just make that noise. It's true. They're just chucked in carts sent off to die. And then you've got Bowser's kids, which is just, how old are they? I don't think they're legal age to drive. Mario's like, get in, come on. That is a dog, that is a break. And same thing.

Yes! Fuck you. Mario is evil. Mario is fucked. I'm putting forward that Mario is evil in this. Bowser's the real hero of Mushroom Kingdom Yeah I mean well he's the one Fucking I mean with the Mario Kart

Not really but well how I agreed with you Until I thought about it Now I don't No one's the hero everyone's fucked Everybody's just onto fucking Mario It's a creepy hell He's just a plumber

Plumber with too much power They're all feeling sorry for Mario he's just onto fucking Mario. It's a creepy hole. He's just a plumber. Plumber with too much power. Well, they're all feeling sorry for Mario, and they're like, okay, we'll do this. No, because after the first time you'd been on electric spinning around, in Mario's first party, you'd be like, nah, I'm never doing that again. Well, the first time you got hit by, like, a red shell in Mario Kart.

You'd be like, imagine if you had no idea. Imagine if you just, like, fucking... What was that, Mario? What the fuck? Or in Mario Tennis You'd be like, imagine if you had no idea. Imagine if you're just like fucking... Focusing around. Yeah. What was that, Mario? What the fuck? What the hell? Or in Mario Tennis when you're standing there

and all of a sudden there's fireballs instead of tennis balls because Mario's just like, I'm powered up now. You'd be like, this is a terrifying day. I thought we were just

going to have a lovely Sunday hit of a tennis. No, no. Do you think Mario can't have like any like competition without it getting just out of hand? Like a fucking game of chess where he's like,

not to do a rook of five, and then just fireballs and everyone explodes. He's a dangerous man. Mario as a concept now frightens me. Yeah, like who is this guy organizing parties and carding and fucking tennis and strikers? Or, again Mario being psychotic, is he just captured every single person

and he's forcing them all to do this? Nah. Why not? Why not? He's a good guy. John Dusha, blind. Evidence of the contrary. Blind to the terror of Mario Because I've always actually had this beef about Mario How do you kidnap that many people with no henchmen?

No but regardless He doesn't need a henchman He's got own fireballs But only if he eats a fire flower He's got so many But like look at the fucking Just regular Mario games From the perspective of like a Goomba

Yeah? Oh god. You live in a little town. You gotta do shit because you have no hands. And you see this poster on the wall and it's like join the Koopa Troopa army. It's the fucking best. And you're like, yeah, alright. Sweet.

And he's like, here's your patch. This is what you patrol. Alright, so I'm going to interrupt here. It's like being, it's like growing up in Germany in 1930s and then when you just hit teenagers early 1940s it's just, join the Nazis. And you're like, alright, and you get given your patch and you set out

to war. No, but it's more like Oh, how is this? No, it's more, it's like that, but if they were like, but you get no gun and in fact you're naked and the enemies are just tanks because you're just and the enemies are just tanks because you're just fucking a goomba and you see Mario like

boing boing and you're like oh no he's gonna stomp on your face if he jumps on top of me I'm dead I have nothing to defend myself with why don't they at least have helmets I don't know it's so fucked Bowser's fucked in that instance though

because he's just sending his troops out. Well, maybe Bowser underestimates Mario. Maybe he's like, look, they're just innocent Goombas. He's just a guy. Mario wouldn't be that much of a monster, right? Goomba, I mean, I'm not really doing anything. Have I kidnapped... How do you know those Goombas are even part of the

army? Maybe they're just kicking it. And also, the bricks in Mario are the people of mushroom kingdom so that also makes mario a huge dick also when he kills goombas and doesn't he get their money yeah he gets a coin so no he just gets points he gets points he gets 100 points for killing a there's one where he like when he kills them he gets money there's one where he can throw radishes at them are you thinking of that one no there's definitely where you kill them and you basically rob them. Yeah, I mean...

That's not great. From the perspective of anybody other than Mario... Dick. Mario games are terrifying. Like, these are all innocent Goombas. Also, Hammer Bros, maybe. They're throwing hammers. That's dangerous shit.

You imagine being a turtle? Yeah, smack, shell gone. You get hit, then he uses your dead body as a projectile to kill your buddies. Because in... The Koopa Troopas don't die. You jump on them, nothing happens. They just go in their shell. Okay. And then they come back out of their shell.

He still picks me up and uses me as a weapon. Plus, if he's got the fire flower, all I have against him is moving in one direction. The fucking Bowser, like, training, like, army training is like, move left. That's all I can teach you.

Move left, keep going, keep going, now you're in the battlefield. Keep going. Move left, move left, what's that, a hole? Go down a hole. You died, well done. You are a true king. Hang on, also, side note,

holes in Mushroom Kingdom. What the fuck are they about? Where do they go? What unfathomless depths lie below them? That's a worry. Who's the architect of Mushroom Kingdom where he's like, put a hole there, a hole there,

and some steps, we have to jump over holes. I think that'll work out just fine. Mario's fucked. So you would be scared. Like if I was Peach and I get kidnapped

but then I see Mario come in and he's got blood on his boots his hands are like burnt from the fireballs there's blood everywhere

and he's just like I've saved you you'd just be like okay. And then if he like, I've saved you. You'd just be like, okay. And then he was like, we have to go carting. You'd be like, sorry, what do we have to do? Cart, get in a cart. Get in a cart, Peach. Get in a cart!

Okay, Mario, I'll get in the cart, I'll be fine, have a good time. Checking every time, like, they're carting, Peach is, like, giving glances to Wario, like, hello, me. And Wario's just like, wah. Well, I think so. Yes. I think that's absolutely what's happening.

I think Mario's psychotic. I think that's the only reason we're spending time. No one's having fun. No. Except me, because Mario Kart rules. It's pretty neat. I've been Joel. I've also been Joel.

I have been Jackson. Mario Kart. Good for you. What a game. Jump on a Goomba. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website,

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