Plumbing the Death Star - What are the Consequences of Mario Living in New York City? (Feat. Michael Jones)

Episode Date: February 12, 2017

In which our heroes are joined by Achievement Hunter's Michael Jones, take the stage at RTX Sydney, watch the trailer for Mario Odyssey and ask what are the consequences of Mario living in New York City.You can watch this panel here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4cW8V-gjuMWant to help support the show?Patreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Adam: twitter.com/RetroArchetypeZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammitMichael: twitter.com/AH_Michael Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio. Dolphins aren't fish. Hey everyone, this is the recording of our panel we did at RTX Sydney with special guest Michael Jones. To see the footage of this, head to our YouTube channel, Sands Pants CinemaScope. Links to that are in the show notes. Now, enjoy the show. Hey everyone, and welcome to a very special Sands Pants Radio Hour with special guest Michael Jones. Hello, hi. Hi. I'm here.

Alright, so today we're going to be doing a Plumbing the Death Star live for you. And today's topic is, what are the consequences of Mario living in New York City? Woohoo! Yeah! So, we've all seen the trailer for Super Mario Odyssey, yeah? Hands up, who's seen it? Not that many, okay. Not many.

Well, here's the basic principle. Mario has, for some reason, found himself in a proxy for New York City called New Donk City. And he's proceeded to go around destroying taxis and swinging off lights, but there are like real people in this city. They aren't like little gross Mario homunculi. He's like half the size of them. It's high concept stuff. Also, this is real. It sounds

like this is like a fanfic you're making up. Just watch the trailer. This is the new Mario game coming out, and it looks awesome. Oh, it looks amazing. I'm ready to be Mario skipping rope with human beings. It looks amazing, but I have some questions. Do they know that he is not a human? Maybe do they just think he's a child with a mustache?

I mean, what the hell is he, though? I don't know. He's not a toad? He's not human. He's not human. He's tiny. To the humans of New Donk City, which in itself is an awesome sentence.

Are they just accepting Mario? Because his nose is like the size of your fist. Yeah, he's a lot thicker than a human being. It's not just the height. He's like twice as wide as them. His mouth is huge. Their mouth's not as big.

He can jump pretty high. Well, that's his skill. He's known for that. That's just what he's good at. He's like, look at that child doing parkour. Shit, he good. Yeah, he does also in the trailer, he comes out of the sewer. It's like, there's gotta be better pipes than in the sewer of

New Donk City. What's weird is, because I watched that trailer as well, so in the game, he's got like a giant airship, and that's how he's having his odyssey. But, so it shows New Donk City, and then it shows the airship flying in the background, but then Mario comes out of the pipe,

which means that his airship is just, he's not in it. It's just in the sky. Maybe it was waiting for him in the city. He had to go from Mushroom Kingdom to the city first. Through the pipes. Right, he can't fit the airship through the pipes. That's a good point.

I guess a good question is, were you living in New Donk City and you saw Mario? What would your initial thought be? What would you think had happened? Well, it's a really weird thing, because up until this point, we all just assumed that Mario was human, but living in Mushroom Kingdom,

which has its own issues. But yeah, now that we've seen this, it's real hard to tell. Because yeah, he's almost as tall as he is thick. He like, literally in the trailer, you see him run past humans and he comes up to their waist. And then like, this is a lady as well. So she's average height. That's like 5'8".

That's a small whatever he is. But he also jumps on a cab and just destroys it. So that means he's heavy as well. He's dense. He can squash a mushroom by landing on it. And a turtle.

I can do that. That's a good point. If you jumped on a turtle, that turtle's dead. No one's arguing that. I think if I saw him just from a distance, I'd be like, oh, look at that brave person. Doing everything. Oh, he's doing well.

And then if I saw him jump on a taxi cab and then keep going, I'm like, what is this? That's a menace. That's what that is right there. Someone call the... Everything. City police? I don't know if the police could arrest Mario

on what charges. You can't arrest someone for being a Mario. Then you gotta wonder if he gets arrested, could he not just flush himself down the toilet to get out? You can't keep him locked up. If Mario dies by cop, does he do?

Will he just back again? Mario can get shot in New Donk City. That's scary. That is terrifying. If they arrest him and he tries to escape via the toilet, is he confused by modern day plumbing? It's got to be like culture shock for him. He's got to go down there and be like, this is real gross.

Like real gross. What is this thing in the middle of the sewer? Because all the plumbing that we see him do in the Mushroom Kingdom, which is admittedly not much, especially for a man who calls himself a plumber. Yeah, like, in Mario and Luigi's Superstar Saga, you have to do some plumbing, which is hitting a cork

with a hammer to block the pipes. That's not how actual plumbing is. So, yeah, when it comes to, like, toilets and that, and, like, also, when he sees a toilet, is, yeah, when it comes to, like, toilets and that, and, like, also, when he sees a toilet, is he just going to assume it's, like, one of the Cooper pipe things that are in Mushroom Kingdom? That's going to be a shock.

It's going to be just scary, because, like, I mean, like, we've all seen Mario in a sewer. It happens. It's like World 1-2 is basically a sewer. But there's actually no sewerage in those sewers. The moment Mario actually comes across sewerage, he's going to be like... Shit. I just want to do a Mario accent and be like, oh no.

You got to imagine the Mushroom Kingdom smells pretty nice. Oh yeah. Flowers, there's flower people. Everything's green and just great looking. Smiling at you, literally. Everything has a face.

Nothing against New Donk City, but it's supposed to be, you know, New York City. I've been there, okay? It doesn't smell great. I imagine he would be disgusted as soon as he got there. I want to go home. Oh, no. Can we explore the fact that it's New Donk City? Yeah.

Is it Donkey Kong's? Because previously all he's done is have bananas. Well, I have a theory that it is actually New York City, but clearly there's some kind of portal between the worlds. So maybe Donkey Kong has gone through first and is like, I am taking this city. And then just climbs the tallest building and is like, it's mine now? Maybe? So Donkey Kong's just a gorilla. Yeah.

So if a gorilla came to, say, Sydney and was like, would you be like, okay, if a gorilla came to me wearing a tie and demanded that he's the mayor, he's the mayor. Have we ever heard... You don't have that power. I want to be mayor.

Alright, it's fine. It's yours now. Have we ever heard Donkey Kong say anything ever? It's more like Donkey Kong's going to come mayor alright it's fine it's yours now have we ever heard Donkey Kong say anything ever it's more like Donkey Kong's gonna come into the mayor's office and just

wreck shit it was not choice for the freakish cast of characters that Nintendo has and all of them can speak except like

two people like Donkey Kong and like Birdo yeah Birdo Birdo doesn't have much of a mouth but Yoshi Yoshi to me is clearly like,

he's a great guy. He's my favorite Nintendo character. He's clearly like a pet. You're like a good pet. Mario fucking rides the guy. Donkey Kong, I feel like he's an equivalent. He's wearing a tie. He's wearing a tie. He's got a job. He's got a grandpa.

We don't know if Yoshi has a grandpa. I always figured Yoshi is more like the team's horse. You know what I mean? Right. Everyone's got a horse. You need a mascot. Smarter than your average horse, I would say.

But still a horse. And ride a go-kart. Right. No horse can do that. Donkey Kong can also ride a go-kart, though. But Donkey Kong's wearing a tie. Clearly he's... And he's got thumbs.

He's got fingers and thumbs. He's aware of what's happening. You're practically human. Well, I noticed watching the trailer again that there's a shop front that has... It's like Diddy Kong something. So Donkey Kong presumably has taken over New Donk City and then just doled out property to the Kongs.

Unless... This is a New York run by Kongs. That's scary. This could be tying into the third Planet of the Apes film. This is how it all comes together. Donkey Kong comes through the portal. It's a gradual thing. That's what Tim Burton

was going for, you know? Abraham Lincoln. Ah, get it. Let's not talk about that one. Out of all the planet of the apes to go to you went to literally the worst one Mark Wahlberg it's amazing oh yeah well

I don't know we could get like a situation where Diddy Kong has come through and Donkey Kong's the muscle so Diddy Kong who is quite a clever chip Diddy Kong talk yeah yeah Diddy Kong can talk

Diddy Kong talk all the time doesn't start shut him up yeah I supplies jetpacks? Yeah, true. If he can operate a jetpack, he's fine. Point that out. Yeah, so unless he's come through with his buff uncle and has, I guess, like, somehow manipulated the mayor to step down

and then was like, no one will respect a chimp, but by God, they'll respect an ape. Look, think about how much that you respect Donkey Kong. He's wearing a tie. Imagine him in a suit and a tie. Oh, man. Speaking of which, have you seen Bowser in that fucking trailer? He's a pimp now. He's in a white tuxedo with a pimp hat. Yeah.

It's great. He looks fantastic. He's a snappy dresser. He also happens to be on a poster with a presumably kidnapped Peach. What is going on? And he's in an elegant dress as well. He looks like a character from a film that before you find out, he's like the good guy.

But then it turns out he's really evil. That's what Bowser looks like. Maybe Bowser went to New Donk. They don't know who this guy is. And he's like, oh, no, look at me. I'm in a white suit. I breathe fire. Don't worry about that. know who this guy is. And he's like, oh, no, look at me. I'm in a white suit. No, I can't talk. Don't. I breathe fire.

Don't worry about that. He works his way up. And he's manipulating everybody. What I like about that is because it's still called New Donk City. It's like Bowser came in and he's like, who are you? He's like, Donkey Kong. Donkey Kong did this. Donkey Kong, the stupid ape, is just sitting in his treehouse.

No idea what's happening. The cops are going to bust the door down. That's a good way to get Mario out to Donkey Kong, the stupid ape, is just sitting in his treehouse. No idea what's happening. The cops are going to bust the door down. That's a good way to get Mario out to Donkey Kong. Like, yeah, Mario, get Donkey Kong. He took over the city, not me. Well, Donkey Kong's been in the city, at least. Yeah. In the, like, Jumpman, whatever, the original Donkey Kong.

Not called Jumpman. Not called Jumpman. Yeah, like, he hides Peach or Pauline or whatever the princess's name is in Donkey Kong on the top of a construction site. So like he's been in a city. He knows his way around. He can figure it out. So because he's been to a city before, that's enough for him to get a city renamed after him.

It's your logic there. Well, I guess my point was like Mario's never been to a city. So Mario's going to be more scared than Donkey Kong. Yeah, exactly. It's easier logic there. Well, I guess my point was like Mario's never been to a city. So Mario's going to be more scared than Donkey Kong. Yeah, exactly. It's easier to spook an ape, though. That's true. Unless that was like

the construction yard that he was on was like one of the first buildings. In New Donk City. In New Donk City. And now it's named after that city building. This is a sequel to Donkey Kong. Yeah, stealth sequel.

Just like slide it in. That's alright. It doesn't really explain what actual human beings are doing. Do you reckon Mario looked like one of them before he fell into

the Mushroom Kingdom? Like do you reckon Mario's look now is a terrible de-evolution of humanity? Quick side track, when you said

do you reckon he looked like that someone in the audience went ooh. It was real quiet but I heard it. You cracked it, Jackson. It just blew someone's mind. With maybe the dumbest thing you've ever said.

No, I don't think... Well, actually, maybe. Well, Mario's like... What are the humans in the Mushroom Kingdom and which ones look the most like? Peach. Peach is similar looking to the? Peach has always been taller than Mario, though, so maybe she is

regular human size. Well, I mean, Luigi's pretty close to Peach, right? Yeah. Almost the same height. But Luigi's got that weird postman pat head. He sure does. Is Luigi just not whatever Mario is, but taller? Like, you can get tall anything. Yeah, that's a good point. Well, then you got,

who's the professor from Luigi's Mansion? Oh, yeah. E. Gadd. E. Gadd. He's a human too. He's even shorter than Mario. What happens? Maybe gravity's just real low

in the Mushroom Kingdom. Everybody shrinks. That's why Mario can stomp. Oh, we established you can just crush a turtle. Man, for a second, that was brilliant. And then it was.

Are there going to be turtles around New Donk City? Is he going to step on them? Everyone's going to be like, oh, don't do that. That's a good question. What are the enemies in New Donk City? Dogs. Running around kicking dogs. Imagine walking your dog.

Taxi cabs, I guess. He hates them. He'll kill the taxi. He kills the taxi that's gone generally someone's driving it yeah

hopefully is the driver very complacent in the ad because you see him driving he stomps on it then he's off and the guy in the car

is like because that would ruin your day that would just ruin your day and not just because your taxi's wrecked you're just like

I can't tell you what happened like when you go back to the depot because your taxi's wrecked, you're just like, I can't tell you what happened. Like when you go back to the depot and they're like, a little red man jumped on me. You're fired. Yeah, the insurance claim for that

would be ridiculous. Like no one, like when you're given the insurance form papers and like what happened, you're like, you know what, I'll just pay for it

out of my pocket. What happened to your cab? Jumped on. I don't know anything, I just know his name was Mario. How do you know? Because he was screaming, it's a me! He had a big M on his cap, I don't know anything. I just know his name was Mario. How do you know? Because he was screaming, It's-a me!

He had a big M on his calf. I don't know. Landing on your bonnet, hand up against the window, It's-a me, a Mario! That's fucking terrifying. I'm looking for peach. Have you seen her?

He wanted peaches? I don't know. I don't know what was going on. Look, I think I'm going to need stress later. I point him into a market. It's so nice. Some people in New Donk City were dear. Like, they were skipping rope with him, some of them.

They seem to be accepting of him. That's nice. New York. Progressive city. Little fella kind of looks like a goblin comes in. You're like, ah. Come to the park. Skip rope.

Why not? That was part of a sequence of Mario just dancing across all of the places. I look forward to a Mario game where dancing is a big feature. That's good. He's also in this one, a big mechanic in this one, just from the trailer, he's throwing his hat all over the place.

It's now a boomerang. And it has eyeballs. It's clearly a creature. Yes, at the very end of the trailer, there's a reveal and the M is replaced with two eyeballs. So, it has eyeballs. It's clearly a creature. Yes. At the very end of the trailer, there's a reveal, and the M is replaced with two eyeballs. Yeah. So it's alive. Yep.

Did he find the hat? Did the hat find him? How did he come across this? Could his hat always do that? And he had to go to New Donk City for it to awaken? Well, I noticed Bowser throws his hat, too. What? Yeah.

His top hat. Yeah, he does. I think it's more a flourish though. I don't think every hat is sentient. We don't know. We don't know that yet, Adam. It might be. Imagine the final boss fight of that game is a hat battle.

It's like Oddjob from 007. Everyone's just throwing hats. Which, and you're talking about it, this seems like the perfect time to bring back that Mario Party character that's just the fucking talking hat. Oh, yes. He's the hat with the talking head. It's like Mario Party 6 or 7 or something.

Yeah, yeah, he's got like a carnival of some kind. The weirdest, freakiest Mario character. Yeah. And now you've got a game of hats being alive. He better be featured. Throw him in there. Get him in. He's got arms and legs, that guy.

He can beat up Mario's hat. Easy. It's like a guy with a hat, but the hat is the one that's talking. The guy's just like a human corpse. It's weird. Is that a hint of things to come that maybe this hat will start controlling Mario?

If so, I'm scared, but into it. In Mario 64, you remember your hat could get blown off? Sure. That asshole monkey would take it. The bird was the worst. Oh, yeah, in the desert? No, because when the monkey took it, you were knocked back

down to the bottom of the mountain, and you were like, I gotta go all the way back up there to get my hat back. And if you didn't get your hat back, you were just done for your hat, weren't you? I think you had to go get it. Yeah, yeah. You could do without it. No, you took extra damage. Oh, man. Really? I didn't know about that mechanic. You took extra damage if you didn't have your hat. Mario needs that hat. Yeah, yeah. You could do without it. No, you took extra damage. Oh, man. Really?

I didn't know about that mechanic. You took extra damage if you didn't have your hat. Mario needs that hat. Yeah.

So the hat is like a layer of protection? Maybe they were planting the seeds even then. Yeah. Nintendo are

clever. It's the source of his power. Yeah, but the hat thing is worrying because is it like a Last of Us

slash Resident Evil 4 situation where as a parasite grows, it slowly more and more consumes the person. Is that Mario's next step? I hope so. Maybe we're not looking at it the right way.

Maybe Mario's always been the hat. Maybe the hat's always been controlling him. Fuck. Maybe Mario is the hat. Not just Mario, though. Luigi's got a hat. Wario's got a hat. Everybody's got a hat, man. It's all coming together. Even Toad, Luigi's got a hat. Wario's got a hat. Everybody's got a hat, man.

It's all coming together. Even Toad, that thing's a hat. Tiara, what have you. Maybe that M isn't for the man. It's for the hat. That means that when Mario's hat blows off in Mario 64, he's like, I'm free!

Where's my family? Where's my home? What is this? What is this? I'm free! Where's my family? Where's my home? What is this? What is this? I'm so scared. So that's Mario surviving in New Donk City. Which character do you think would fare best since you've been talking a lot of shit about Mario's capabilities?

Well, Wario, obviously. Wario already lives in a city. Wario knows how to get, you know... He's a piece of shit to fit in with city folk. Exactly. He's gritty already. He's grime personified. Nah, nah, nah. This is like New Donk City now.

If this was like New Donk City in the 80s, yes, Wario would thrive. But I just think it's just too clean for him. I feel like Wario would end up scar-facing himself. I feel like he'd just get thrown out of any job he had. Wario's not going to try and get a legitimate job.

Wario's just going to gamble. He needs to get there, he needs to get a couple of funds together, and then it's going to be like, first I'm going to hit a convenience store, then I'll meet some people, get some funds, then maybe a small bank job, not a vault, but maybe just take the money

out of the till from one register or something. Wario coming into your convenience store with a shotgun is so scary. Put the money in your bag. Shotgun? You walk in with a fucking bomb. Just put it on the counter and just stand there with a lighter. And it's got a fucking face,

and you're like, what's going on? Take everything. He fucking cranks it up and starts walking around. I'm imagining a very dark night scenario where Wario's assembled a team of people and he kills the last one

by farting at them. Plus, well, I just think Wario has a car and a motorbike. So like, whereas Mario's walking like a chump. Wario's...

Have you tried driving in New York before? Good luck. Wario's car will just destroy the other car. Wario does not care for road rules. Wario's too big though. Eventually he's going to get gunned down. I think that's my problem with Wario.

He's going to be a good target. Whereas Waluigi is just as dirty as Wario but not as big a target. Slimier. Behind the scenes. He's a slippery fella. Wario is but not as big a target. Slimier. Like behind the scenes. Yeah, slippery. He's a slippery fella. It's like Wario is at a strip club, but Waluigi is at like a peep show.

I think that's how, Waluigi's like, yes, yes. Wario's like, come here, come here. Let me smell it. I want that. Yes. I think that's the distinct difference between the kinds of seediness of Wario and Waluigi. Sure. That's a good definition.

Wario would go up to someone and be like, let me buy your panties. Come on. I'll give you ten bucks. Waluigi's ashamed. Waluigi sells used panties. Yes. But he's not happy about it. And that's the part that I respect.

Well, what makes you think that Waluigi's going to survive better in New... That is not happening in New Dog City he's very similar to Wario but he's just not gonna get gunned down as quick as Wario

he won't get too big for his boots yeah he knows his place that's true there won't be like the world is wah with Waluigi

it's just fucking New Wah City going back to Luigi Waluigi he's got a I think he's got a chance to fit in

like maybe some sort of disguise he'd be like I'm a normal human look at me but then it's like the mustache throws him off

that doesn't that doesn't something's off about this I'm not sure what it is it's so great to imagine him like got like face paint on

going into like a convenience store being like I'll have a mushroom like do you mean a candy bar? Yes. It's very amusing and I think accurate to imagine

Waluigi falling in with the Italian mob. He would. Waluigi would do a hit, but not because he wants to, because he's scared of the consequences of not. I don't know. I feel like Waluigi would try and fit in wrong. Like he'd be like, my name is Waa John.

I would like the scenario where he goes, I'm Waluigi. And someone goes, what the fuck is your name? What? That's not a name. Luigi's a name.

Yes. I'm the bad Luigi. What is that on your hat? It's an upside down L. It's not a thing. What is that? It's an unfinished F. What are you wearing on your hat?

Where did you go to school? I didn't get the education. I made up my own alphabet. Every letter's upside down. They're good letters, they're bad letters. Y-A, Y-B, Y-C. I'm still enjoying bad letters. That's good.

I guess Waluigi's getting laughed at. So as Waluigi, he'll join the Italian mafia. I think Wario is going to... A bit too much hubris. He'll start his own mob. Well, that's what I was going to say. Wario jumps to the biggest thing immediately. He comes into the dawn.

He's like, he's his man now. Get out. I own the mafia. Yes. And then they just bang, bang, bang. Shoot him in the face. He's fine. I own the mafia. Yes. And then they just bang, bang, bang. Shoot him in the gut. He's fine. Classic warrior move.

Classic warrior. You can't deny it, dude. Who am I to sit up here and say that a warrior wouldn't pay for that? What about Luigi, though? He would get killed in a second. He would get killed in a second. Instead of jumping on the taxi, the taxi just runs. He barely survives

in the Mushroom Kingdom. Mario leaves him at home all the time. There's a reason he does that. He would get swindled immediately. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd be like, oh, help us. Someone needed my money. The prince of Newtong City. He'd come up shirtless and be like, I don't know what happened. I like to imagine

because the trailer opens with Mario bursting through a sewer grate thing. There'd just be a car parked on it for Luigi. And they'd just get the Game Over music, and that's it. Luigi, if he survives coming out of the sewer grate, is obviously going to be swindled until he is penniless.

And then maybe his organs are lost. Or he turns to a life of crime and joins Warriors Gang. The only way to survive. I could see him being so stupid. He joins that unknowingly. He's like, hey, I joined a new club! It's fine. I'm over boxes from one place through a truck.

I don't know what's in them. He's a mule, right? Like Luigi becomes a mule. I was assuming he kills people and doesn't know about it. I jump on people's heads. He doesn't hurt, right? Blushing people. It's all right.

I wake up one day, I'm in a tub of ice, I got some scars. It's all right. I feel a little drowsy, but hey. Two scars. Luigi's just got no kidneys. I reckon they can take a lung before

he dies of that. He's dead. Well like because Luigi also seems like someone who has no self-esteem and you can't have no self-esteem

in that fucking nose. Well like whereas Mario I mean not Mario Mario seems to like just slide into society nobody minds. Everybody sees Luigi and is like, what?

Who are you? You're so wrong looking. I'm trying to think of what Luigi has over everyone else. And all I can think of is that he's faster and jumps higher. But neither of those things are really going to help you in New Docks. He ain't going to outrun a taxi. But also, unfortunately, in some of them, he slips. You know, he's got like the he slips. He's got the skin.

He's going to just slip right into traffic. New York gets icy in winter. He's in for it. He's in trouble. There's not really much that's good about it. He's good at getting ghosts. Ghostbusters is set in New York, isn't it? New York is kind of chockers's, I mean, like, it's not really much

to his favor. New York is kind of chockers with ghosts at some points in time. So that's, I mean, like, a way for him

to make money. Is Luigi good at getting ghosts or just was Mario not available? Yeah, that's a good point. Mario was trapped.

I have a feeling Mario got that. He's like, a pass. Luigi's like, he crumpled it up and threw it in the garbage and Luigi's like,

I got the nothing to do. It. Luigi's like, he crumpled it up and threw it in the garbage. And Luigi's like, I got nothing to do. It's Luigi's year. It's Luigi's year, Luigi. Luigi, time to shine. All I do is do well. Yeah, I mean, probably. What about Yoshi, though? Because he's like a dinosaur.

That's going to raise some eyebrows. Yeah, but like Yoshi, I don't know. You could just assume was like a wrong horse. Look at that green horse. That's wrong. He's got a saddle on him. I get it. I think Yoshi, though, he'd be in danger.

They'd want to trap him. And either you're going in a zoo or it's like, what the hell is this? You need to cut this thing open. You would be like, well, here's a dinosaur. But then you'd be like a dinosaur in boots right and a saddle like that's we gotta explore that who put boots on this dinosaur and then it drives a car and everyone's real puzzled yeah real puzzled who do you think's driving a taxi who do you think's gonna job the taxi driver what are you suggesting yoshi i I reckon Toad. Oh, yeah. For sure. But how the hell will he see?

I don't want to kill anybody. And that's how Luigi got got. I'm sorry. We hit something. Fix these bottles! Am I imagining like a bunch of... Is anyone else imagining a bunch of toads on top of each other trying to drive them?

That makes sense. We need to go faster! Who's on the pedals? Okay! Sounds like eight toads in a trench coat. I really like that our assumption, and I agree wholeheartedly, that the toads arrive in New Donk City

and just go native immediately. You want a good pizza? 16th Street, that's where you go. If there's anybody in the Mario universe that can adapt, it's the toads. They're everywhere. Every city you go to, they're always there. Even if it's a brand new game,

it's brand new freaks there's all kinds of like creations you've never seen before toads they're like oh let me get that door for you oh let me tuck you in they're good

they're everywhere if you think there's hell around toads they're like this is fine toads are like the more respected house elves yeah

like Harry Potter yeah everybody seems to respect the toads but like not enough to get them out of there sure also the toads can blend in enough to get them out of their total. Also, the toads can blend in by fucking... Because that mushroom's a hat. Yeah, it is a hat.

It's real gross. They're just little bald men under the mushroom. That somehow blends in more than Mario. The idea of all the toads arriving, you're just picking all their hats off, putting them in a bin and being like, I guess we're New Yorkers, man. You go for a vacation to New Dunk City,

you get into the hotel and six toads in a costume pick up your bags. I'll tell you this too, it's already perfect. You get the toads, you pile them up, you put them in the trench coat. If you're in New York City, you take the toad hat off, you just put a turban on, you'll fit right in. That's true.

It's every taxi driver there. Done. Easy done, mate. I was imagining the toads driving, just taking all of the service, driving tax like, every... Just take it all of, like, the server, driving taxis, driving Ubers, convenience stores, whatever needs to be filled, a toad is doing it. That's how toads just trickle into society.

Destroying the economy is what the toads do. Mario sticks up some toads in a convenience store. Put your money in the bag. Oh, no! They need to pass the message down to the office. What's happening? We're being robbed! Oh, no!

Wait, what? I don't know what voice that was. Oh, Toad, put the money in the bag! Toads are not that small. That's a very tall guy. He's like 10 foot. If one of the Toads is an arm, that's not right. We've not created a regular person.

Look, New York's got a lot of different people. It's fine. It takes all sorts. And if one of those is a mass of toads, that's fine. See, I think that the Nintendo character, and I guess he's part of the Mario universe because he's in Donkey Kong Country. Sure.

Cranky Kong. He'll fit in in New York easy. He'll get out, instantly just have no time for anyone's shit. Someone tries to give him the business, he'll fucking give it back. Cranky Kong would immediately go to Central Park and yell at the birds. That's true. The moment he gets it there

somebody offers him a hot dog for a price that he doesn't want to pay and it's an argument then a fist fight. That's how. The moment he gets it there, somebody offers him a hot dog for a price that he doesn't want to pay and it's an argument than a fist fight. That's how that goes down. And no matter how old an ape is, a fist fight with an ape is not something a human wins. Apes don't get worse.

Apes just get progressively better than they die. The worst day to fight an ape is the day it dies. That's an ape going for broke and it'll rip your arms off and that's what's going to happen with Cranky Kong and whoever's trying to sell him

an expensive laptop. Cranky Kong's also like his wife's dead, he hates his grandson, he's got nothing to lose. He'd be so mad arriving in New Donk City and be like, how did Donkey Kong get a city? He doesn't deserve to lose. He'd be so mad arriving in New Donk City and be like, how did Donkey Kong get a city? He doesn't deserve a city. He did nothing.

Well, yeah, the whole thing with Cranky Kong, he's like, back in my day I did everything you did. We couldn't save games though, so you cheated. Fuck you. Do it better. Cranky Kong is unnecessarily angry. I don't know why Donkey Kong hangs out with him. They're relatives. They have to. Yeah, but he's there all the time and Cranky never gives him

anything. That's sad. I guess. I guess Cranky Kong also, like, he... If you serve him from afar, you might assume he's human. You know what I mean? How far? Like... Like... All the way down Main Street.

The only way that's happening is if you see an ape on a sidewalk from such a far distance that your brain doesn't have time to register the fact you're looking at an ape. And you're like, that has to be a guy because any other situation just doesn't make sense. Well, if you're in like a taxi that's been driven by the toads down Main Street and you look out the window and you see him yelling at a guy selling hot dogs, you're like, was that a guy?

You're not going to be like, oh, an ape. The guy trying to sell hot dogs takes off his hood and it's also more toads in a fucking trench coat. Man, this city's all toads. Really gone downhill

since they got here. I like it. After all these situations, it's still New Donk City. Well, nobody, who else is going to, Wario is not going to be able to get to the upper echelons of management

and make New Wario City, or New War City. While Luigi's not either. Neither is Luigi. Donkey Kong's the only one with the fortitude to get a city. Yeah. Unless he literally just climbed the building and changed the sign. New York just has a sign that says New York City, right? Just on a building.

Hey, what are you doing? Stop doing that. You put a new sign up. I guess it's a new Donk City now. I got to change all of the... No, okay. Yeah, sure, fair. It's the Ape City now.

What a weird news broadcast. New York is... It's not ours anymore. No theme song to the Apes. What a weird news broadcast. New York is, um, it's not ours anymore. An ape's gone. It happened, but a lot different than we thought. A gorilla wearing a tie. We don't know where he got the tie.

Can't explain that, but it's his city. It's a real casual, I guess the news reporter's like, what the fuck? They're not very professional. I can't make this shit up, folks. We got reports of a bunch of toad men piling on top of each other, dinosaurs through towns.

There's apes changing signs. It's a small, short man. He's about... He's like this long. This is the comparison of him to a normal person. He's like... It's a me. And with that, I have to go play the Nintendo Switch

on the center stage. So thank you for having me. I appreciate it. Thanks so much for coming on. Please enjoy the rest of the show. Thank you so much for having me on. And please continue this very highbrow intellectual conversation. Thank you.

Thanks for coming, Michael. Thanks for coming. So long. Michael, everybody. Look at this. That ain't right. Thanks for coming, Michael. Thanks for coming. Thank you. Michael, everybody. Look at this. That ain't right. Now that Michael's gone, we can start drinking and no one's judging us.

Where's the bottle opener? I don't know where the bottle opener is. We don't have one. We're not drinking. Oh, man. Anyway. That super distracted us. We're talking about the Toads.

Oh, yeah. Donkey Kong got New York. He did. But yeah, like bring back something that I said about the Toads before and something that we didn't quite explore except that it would be ridiculous, but that would destroy the economy. No way they're getting paid in like Mushroom Kingdom.

They'll do all this for free. Everyone's out of the job. Gold coins. That's what they get paid. Give a Toad a dollar and he's like, sweet. Yeah, everyone's out of work because Toad's taking all the jobs. Donkey Kong

put his name on the city, but Toad runs this city. Everybody will call it New Toad City, secretly, even though we know it's New Donk City. That's also funny because that means that Wario's gang war would be against a toad mob boss. I'll break

your fingers. You come to me on the day of my toad mob boss. I break your fingers. You come to me on the day of my daughter's wedding. That is terrifying. Can you imagine going in there? It's like all dark, like, you know, all very lit. And you kind of walk in there. There's this guy with this giant helmet thing. He just, like, looks at you, takes it off.

Why you want me? Somehow I think I'd be more afraid going in to see a toad than I would to see a warrior. Hero, bottle opener. Bottle opener, it happened. Time for that guy. Woo! But like, see, you go in to see a warrior.

We have basically like ten minutes left. We've got to down. All right, boys. Get drinking. Right. What other characters have we got? I was going to say Peach, but she's getting kidnapped anyway. I feel like Peach is just going to blend in.

Alright. Alright, you're all acting impressed, but I can see how much is in the bottle. Pretending to drink doesn't count. Also, didn't pass them around rude and selfish. Next time we do this, you're not allowed on stage. Jackson, come on. What?

Teamwork. I'm holding a mic. I'm giving it to you, and I'm giving you a bottle. I'm good. No, I was going to finish that in one go. I am not that much of a man. Yeah, I think Peach in New Donk City is just going to blend in fine. She's basically human.

Yeah. She might be confused because, like, it's the modern day, and she's a princess. Also, if you ever tried to explain, like, royalty to her, she'd be like, I don't know what a queen or a king is. Sorry, I ever got distracted by us trying to open a bottle. I know. Even I, I was be like, I don't know what a queen or a king is. Sorry, everyone got distracted by us trying to open a bottle. I know. Even I, I was not even talking that way.

I was like, anyway, whatever I'm saying. It's weird to imagine Michael as being the glue that held this conversation together. But evidently. I've got one last person before we wrap this up that I think would thrive

in New Donk City. Okay. Despite the name. Daisy. Oh! Because Daisy... I'm Daisy! Yeah.

Apart from that very scary introduction. She's, like, pretty close to just a regular person. Normal proportions. A normal height. Not that normal proportions.

Her head's real small. You're tiny, man. It's not that... It's small, though. It's actually, if. Her head's real small. You're tiny, man. It's not that small. If anything, it's quite wide. You're going to look at her and be like, hmm, something's a bit wrong. But you're not going to be like, that's a little man half my height breaking a cab. No, but you see,

a little man, clearly it's all wrong. So you're like, yeah, whatever, that's something new. Whereas Pauline, it's like, there's something off there. This is like, yeah, whatever, that's something new. Whereas Pauline, it's like, there's something off there. This is like, it's some uncanny valley. I'm just going to hit my brain and be like, wrong, wrong. Have you ever seen, it's like a subculture of people, where they get like an anime head mask,

and they have like a wig on, and they dress kind of like ladies, but they're like a bunch of fellas. You know that? That's what I'd think Daisy was. Yes. I'd be like, that's a new subculture I guess. People trying to look like cartoon ladies. That's pretty neat. Good for you, man. Good for you. And then she'd turn

and her mouth would open like a person and I'd scream. I'd be like, I'm done. It'd be the reverse of the body snatches. We'd be pointing. Wrong! I wouldn't be able to let that knot slip out of my mouth. She'd be like, I'm Daisy. I'd be like, wrong!

She'd be like, no, I'm Daisy. How are you? I don't think I'd be able to cope. Yeah, she'd just terrify her way to the top then. She doesn't even need to do anything in that case. All of humanity stops because her face is wrong. I like that the question was not

which Mario character would take over New Donk City, but she would fare well. I don't think she'd take over New Donk City. What are you more scared of? An inappropriately shaped person or an actual giant gorilla?

With a tie. That's a tough question. Because we have gorillas in our world. I'm not that scared of them. You've never had to fight one. But no one's trying to become my mayor. You said that like you had. You've never had to fight one.

Believe me, it's not easy. But easy enough because you're alive. No, I still stand by like I stand by Daisy I'm with Daisy it sounds like a political slogan now but I'm with Daisy I'm with Daisy

her face may be wrong but her morals are right vote Daisy for new mayor of new Donk City just don't look at her face and on that note I've been Joel I've note, I've been Joel.

I've been Jackson. I've been Adam. And I've also been Joel. Thank you so much for coming. Yeah, and also thanks so much for sticking around even after Michael left. That was a pleasant surprise.

Really, thank you. Thank you. Yeah, I hope you guys have been having a great time at RTX. And shout out to RTX for actually bringing us, well, letting us come on stage. I like that they got a clap. Allowing that. Yeah, thanks so much, guys.

Yeah, thank you. I don't know what we do now. Do they leave or do we? We just hurl the microphones into the audience and run. Just freeze frame. It's your panel now. And we go. But seriously, thanks so much, guys.

We've been plumbing the Death Star. Yeah. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sanspantsradio.com. Yeah!