Plumbing the Death Star - What Could You Bring To Captain Planet's Planeteers?

Episode Date: April 14, 2019

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Sands Pants Radio. You got this, buddy. Hey everybody, it's your sticky devil Jackson here with the skinny on our guests for the final week of Big Deal. This Saturday on the 20th, Adam Cannavale and Cass Page will be joined by the irascible, mischievous troublemakers Tom Walker and Demi Lardner. And if you want to cop an eyeful of that, then head to the Melbourne International Comedy Festival website or our own website, sandspantsradio.com forward slash live and grab your tickets today. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, what could you plot of Captain Planet. Vaguely. Mother Gaia's stressed about Earth. She's like, oh no, Earth, it's bad now.

It's in trouble. What if Earth was good but is now shithouse? So she sent out five rings to teens. You gestured like it was all over the world, but it is not. It was America. I think it was all over the world. It was a Russian one.

You're wrong. You don't remember Captain Planet. Get out. I hope they all go to school together. No, they don't. I remember now that you've told me off. So she sends out five rings to these kids and when they bring their rings together they make Captain Planet and the rings have elemental powers, but let's assume...

As an aside, so if they're like, Earth, Wind, Water, Heart, because, like, you know, fire's fucked off somewhere, does that mean Captain Planet appears without an arm or something? I like to imagine he appears without a head and dies and they can't ever make him again. So let's assume that when she sent out those five, she also sent out another three. Maybe as she flung five into the world, she shat three in the other direction.

And they ended up on our meaty fingers. Well, there is... Force them on. This doesn't fit me naturally. I can't get mine off. Do you love your finger? I need it. Well, yeah, because they never...

It's called them pretty. They never sent any rings to Australia, so maybe they actually did and they got lost because we got them. All right. Because, yeah, one ring went to Australia, so maybe they actually did and they got lost. Because we got them. One ring went to Africa. One ring went to New York. One ring went to Russia.

Water, I think. Wind. Wind, yeah. One went to Asia. War air. And one went to Brazil. We know that one. And one went to Brazil. Yeah, that's hot. We know that one.

And three went to Australia. And we forced them on our doughy hair. I choose hot milk breath. Fire, wind, water, hot, hot milk breath. Hot milk breath! You know when you eat heaps of milk and then it's a hot day? And you got that hot milk breath. I mean, this is a perfect storm of just things that happen to you.

You know, you drink heaps of milk and you're like, oh, it's a hot day. I mean, with this. That's some hot milk breath. It's in 40 degrees. I'm like, we go to this. It's like, well, fuck, it's so hot. I need something cool. I'll get like a chilled bottle of water. You're like so hot, I need something cool, I'll get, like, a chilled bottle of water. You're like, yeah, I need a can of, oh, milk!

And then you get several bottles of milk. Flavoured. Imagine me sitting on a stoop, slack-jawed in the baking heat with a slowly warming glass of milk. Or even if you just drink hot milk before bed, you know, like people do, then you get hot milk breath. And that's what comes out of my ring in like a... So hang on, the rings can create it, but can they also manipulate it?

Yeah. I think so, yes. I think so. So I can manipulate people's hot milk breath. Yes. So again, earth, wind, water. Earth, fire, wind, water, hot, hot milk breath. Hot milk breath.

Yeah, that's what I'm contributing. Okay. My colour will be a kind of off-white. You know, like every ring's got a... So are we contributing our ring's powers to the creation of Captain Planet? Is that like Captain Planet's like, I'm here, Planeteers, and everyone's like, oh my god.

Oh, I appear to have hot milk breath This time Upon this summoning You're in a bush with like your fist sticking out Haha I'm just a bush Shosh Leave me alone Let me be in the bush

Ah I see in the five usual teens A bush A dumpy bush Hello yes That's great if you imagine the where the planet is song But I'm just a bit late A bush. A dumpy bush. Hello. Yes. I guess it's talking now. That's great if you imagine the where the planet is song, but I'm just a bit late. Where the planet is.

And you can be one too. You can also be one. You can be one too. Saving, fighting the planet, saving the planet. Hang on. Where the, so you be you. Okay. Where the planet is.

Where the planet is. You can be one too. You can also, you can be one too. Saving the planet is the right thing It's just the thing to do Looting and polluting is not the way Here at Captain Planet is to say Here what Captain Planet has to say

By your powers combined I am Captain Planet So creating hot milk breath What is the range on that? Is it the range of a regular breath? No The range of like hot Yeah

Look at the fire It's almost like a flamethrower So you have at least a decent amount of range Okay I would say 10 metres? 10 metres is probably fine. 10 metres of hot milky breath.

No, you can give someone hot milk breath from 10 metres. I guess. I created it out of the ring as well. It's like an extra mouth. Do I have to fill it with milk? No. You can try. I might just in case. I mean, you could be

drinking a lot of milk. I'm pretty sure this is how it works. Joining the planeteers but holding a big two-litre jug of milk in hand at all times is very good. Just chugging it down. Jackson, you can just use your power. Hold on. Because then I got extra milky breath, which is mine. Plus, I've got to be real hot.

I need a sweater. My power's not gonna work in the... Oh, no. I was gonna say my power's not gonna work in the snow or, like, a cold environment, but it will. But it's almost awful because I'm like, it's the warmest thing. Oh, no. One guy's got fire. Why is everyone not gathered around my hot

milk breath ring? Why is everyone gathered around his fire ring? I don't get it. That'll burn you. You've got two camps. One with the original five with logs on fire all warm. Another camp with you aiming your hot milk breath ring at the logs. Catch fire.

I imagine him aiming it at your own head. Aiming at my face and every time it lets out a pfft, I'm like, yuck, yuck. Yuck! Pfft, ah, it smells bad. But you're breathing your own hot milk breath onto the ring. Make a little hot milk breath tornado in the middle. Okay, so...

So what are the pros of having a hot milk breath ring? Which is a question I've been dying to ask since you announced that hot milk breath was your choice. Okay, so if you're one of the villains. No, no, no, no, no, no. One of the pros, not give me a situation in which you give a villain hot milk breath. Okay. What are the pros of having a ring of hot milk breath?

Smells bad to others. Okay. That's something. Distracting. Warm, but not comfortably warm. Not a pro. Still warm. Warm's a pro.

Look, what if it's too hot? It's not too hot. It's the heat of a mouth. It's mouth temperature. Yeah, but it's 40 degrees and then someone breathes hot on me. I'm not going to be happy. Yeah, but in the cold. Leave me alone. I'm already hot!

In the cold it's good. So situational good. Possibly edible. If you suck on the ring maybe you'll get some level of nutrients. No. Incorrect. Con. That. Con. You smell

bad. Con. Don't add anything to Captain Planet That is of use Give him hot milky breath Con you already have the ability That you're giving yourself on the hand Who's gonna be like you already have the ability To give Captain Planet hot milky breath

No you already have hot milky breath Yeah but Captain Planet doesn't I mean if Captain Planet drank some Hot milk or milk on a hot day, he would. Captain Planet being like, I'm here to save the day. And I'm like, hey, dude, you look thirsty. Chug from my jug. And he does.

And then he's like, chug this jug. Why? Why? And he dies. Might make someone throw up. Huh? Is he lactose intolerant? I don't know if the canon

ever covers his various intolerances. Yeah, so look, it's got some benefits. I think I could take out... In a combat situation, obviously I'm not a frontline fighter. No.

Neither are you a backline fighter. Okay, so earth can manipulate earth. Fire creates fire and manipulates fire. Wind, which sounds like it could be the equivalent of yours, but no, it's like storm from X-Men, basically. Water, same as fire, basically. What's the force or power of your hot? He already announced that stupidly,

that it's the same if he's just like... he's just like It comes out of a puff he said It's not like an intense It's not like you can create a whirlwind out of this I can maybe at maximum if I do it heaps create a cloud A hot milk breath sort of gas

So you're just creating an aroma Yeah I feel like you should join Captain Pollution's gang, but alright. Milk's from cows, that's natural. And cows are one of the leading causes of high CO2.

I'm not the ring with the power of cow. I'm the ring with the power of hot milk breath. Imagine this, fucking Hoggish Greedly. He's scheming somewhere to... What does Hoggish Greedly do? Oh, he's a smog hog.

All right. So he's scheming... He's a smog hog. That's what it says. Right now, guess what that smog's going to smell like now. Oh, that's true. He's probably going to love it. Yep.

All right. Let's choose someone else. Professor Loot and Plunder. They steal things. They're an unethical business person. Yep. So they're in a boardroom planning something. Yep.

I just shove my ring in through a crack in the door. Oh, man. Everyone's like, oh, it smells in here. And then when they're unprepared, the rest of the planet is coming. Kill them or whatever. Oh, man. This boardroom smells weird. Let's move to a different one. Let's air this place out.

Then they open the door into you. Oh, shit. We've been rumbled, Planeteers. No one's there. Everyone's across the deck. It was a very big assumption of you saying that they would help you. They would be there. They're such good people, but they would.

No, because Captain Planet would hate you. I made him. I can destroy him. No, you can take away his hot milk breath. Oh, no. He will like it. He'd thank you. He'd thank me and then I'd be in his good books again.

Then I'd give him milk. Captain Planet's first move, I think, would be To take the ring off you and destroy it He just turns me into a brook or something This man needs to be a tree Damn it And then I'm just a tree for the rest of my life I think I have some function though In distracting

In distracting villains with the terrible smell of hot milk. Oh, that smells weird. You know what's also distracting? Fire. Or water. A flood. Or even, look, you've picked something that's air-based, which was dumb since wind is already a ring. So, you know what? She could also

She can't make hot milk breath though. Linka? I think that's her name. Linka, maybe? I'll have a look. She can't make hot milk breath. No,? I think that's her name Yeah Linka maybe I'll have a look But she can't make hot milk breath No but she could definitely direct a smell into a room Well I'll create the hot milk We'll work in tandem It'll be our fastball special

I'll create the hot breath cloud And then she'll gust you off the edge of the fucking building Why? I don't know why none of you like me Is it because I smell like hot milk? Even when I'm not doing the power Because I can't know why none of you like me Is it because I smell like hot milk? Even when I'm not doing the power Because I can't stop drinking hot milk Because I love milk

I have it somewhere in my head that this is what gives me the power I've yet to clue on to what's happening Just keep trying to pour milk into your ring So your hands are just always milky Just always having a bucket of milk You're soaking your hand in How do you get your fire in the ring? Does you burn your hand?

The ring creates fire. I'm just used to it. Okay. Back in the hot milk bucket. This sucks, but if it's how it works, can't let Captain Planet down. There you go. That's a pretty useful ability. Look, I would say

zero usability, but hey, who am I to judge? Name one villain you could take down with this ability. Hoggish? No, not Hoggish, Greedly. He's lovely. Loot and plunder? No. No?

I make him throw up heaps, and then I come in and hit him with a bat or something. Isn't he a big guy? If you had a ring of a bat, that would be better. No, he's a wealthy poacher and crooked businessman. So he's a poacher. Yeah. What do poachers famously have? Guns.

Yes. What's your body made out of? Doughy flesh? Squishy goo? Yeah. No, I hide in a bush. Gas cloud of milky breath. He's like, and then I come out and clock him in the back of the knee.

Milk? You haven't even picked a smell that's strong enough to get that reaction. You're like, he's like, ew, gross. And then I hit him in the knee. He keeps walking. Yeah. It'll distract him for a second. No, it won't.

What if I have a gun as well? So you shoot him. Yeah. He's like, ew, that stinks. Bang, in the heart. That goes against everything the planet T has stood for. They were trying to change man. Man's the heart. That goes against everything the Planeteers stood for. I tell her I'm poaching man. Man's the problem.

I grab Linka by the cuffs of her shirt. Man's the ultimate predator, Linka. And she vomits from the hot milk bread in her face. Anyway. Okay, look. Not great across the board for me. Okay. So I reckon I could grab a ring, just shove it on my meaty fist,

and then I want to summon the power of pride in an honest day's work. Okay. So I guess yours works like heart, not like wind or air or water. Works like heart. But heart in like taking pride in an honest day's work. Because heart usually means that they can have like a change of. And also he uses heart to manipulate animals.

Yeah. To make them love him. So you can do it to an elephant that's like, I'm chuffed. Yeah. And I'm like, I am chuffed. Maybe I should lift up that thing. Okay. Give him a concept of a job. It's not the problem of your ring. So say you're in a... So you've gone...'ve gone look just early on and whilst i think this is definitely a step up from the very very very low bar we've already said yes you have made a similar mistake of jacks of just picking

something that is already represented and just changing it a bit because your ring is going to be very similar to heart but again far more useful than hot milk breath v wind but it's not problem of Zammett's job well done ring that, say, you're with the Planeteers and you're fighting Duke Nukem, say, who's an actual villain, not the guy, not the video game character. And you're like, oh, no, we're in Africa and we need this elephant to bust into this house to kick Duke Nukem out of there. And you're like, elephant, good job done. And the elephant's like, I have already

succeeded. Yeah, okay, so Jack remember how you were saying that if you had to team up with a planeteer, you'd pick the wind lady because then she could blow your hot milk breath into a room and then she decides to murder you instead? Yes. Zammets actually works well with Heart. Yeah. So they are

two planeteers that could work together without But doesn't Heart already achieve that goal? No, heart just means you're full of love and whatever. Because you can be full of love and be a dirty hippie and never work a day in your life. This is more like, no, get to work. I guess it's not... It also means...

It's not satisfaction in a day's job. No, he's twisted this now and I don't like it. It's work ethic is what it is. Good work ethic rig. Good work ethic rig. Because job well done, he's twisted this now and I don't like it. Good work ethic rig. Good work ethic rig. Because job well done, it was positive, but now you're saying get a job, you pilgrim. Which I'm not even sure of.

I wanted to say peasant and I figured, look, perhaps a planet here wouldn't say that. That's more Captain Pollution Gang. So I had to self-censor. And you went with Pilgrim. So, okay, give me a situation where, what is the range, first of all, 10 meters, like all of ours, except mine. 10 meters, though, is the base range we decide. Mine's less than, anyway.

So your range is 10 meters. Give me a situation where you would use it. Because if you use it on any of the bad guys, they're just like, good, I did my job. Then it fuels their bad behavior because they get overwhelmed with the feeling of satisfaction. Yeah. Are you just satisfying them?

It's great to just pump into your own head. Like, what a great feeling that is. If you just suck on your ring at all the Planeteer meetings, like, stop sucking on rings! Well, I want to say an honest day's work, but I guess that's up for interpretation. Yeah. Because you could be like, look, I love clubbing seals, and I did a good job at that. And I'm like, ah, I'm sure Luton Ponder feels an honest day's work satisfaction when he kills a baby rhino.

Ah. That's great if they're like, oh no, he's killed a baby rhino. And Sam is making him feel great about it. Don't worry lads, I got this. He's got his hands up. I mean, I guess you could do... And then he smiles a bit and I'm like, shit. If you pump him full of it, does it get too much?

And he's immobile from all the good feelings? Then they can come in and wallop. Can I then have maybe a good vibes ring? Oh, that's all right. Good vibes ring. Yeah, good vibes is good. No, but is that not the same thing? Yes, but you can use...

Can't, yeah. What about a bad vibes ring? But, okay, sure, bad vibes. Bad vibes is great because you just hit him and the loot and plunder's like, I don't feel great about it. He's not stopping. He's just like, man, this place has got some bad vibes.

But no, if you hit someone with enough bad vibes, you would stop. Yeah, that's true. I guess. I'm giving Captain Planet bad vibes and we summon him. Yeah, that's not good at all. That's what I was going to say. When you form Captain Planet, he's like, I don't feel like it today. And then he goes to lie down.

I don't feel great about this. Can you de-summon me? I'm just getting bad vibes about the whole situation. And every single planet here just turns to look at you. Your ring glowing red. Or maybe black. Yeah, I was imagining black. Sam, do you want to just maybe sit out of this one?

Aww. Come on. How about I get... Then you give them bad vibes. Hey, screw you guys. Everyone's like, I don't feel great about this. I guess let him back in.

I just don't feel great about anything. I'm going to lie down. But it's just all in a depression circle lying on the ground in fetal position. That was like,

I did my job. And then I swallow that ring. Before we carry on, here's a quick word from our sponsor. Also, a reminder to everybody listening that this Saturday, I'm going to be hosting Big Deal, a cheeky game show at the Cooper's Inn. And if you want to see that shit,

you better head to our website, sanspensradio.com forward slash live and grab your ticket. Also, if you want to bear witness to something truly splendorous, then head to audiobooksontape.com and grab yourself a usb cassette of big soft titty dot pngs very first year as a podcast once again that's audiobooksontape.com permanent bad vibes it's great that the things we're adding to captain planet because i assume i'm there as well it's a hot milky upset captain planet yeah i'm feeling bad vibes i don't know if it's about my milky, upset Captain Planet. I'm feeling bad vibes.

I don't know if it's about my milky breath or just the state of the planet. Why not just a vibes ring? Yeah, that's cool. I've got another word for that one. Heart. Damn, I just reinvented heart. Bad vibes are good vibes and both have problems.

Alright, fine. You know what? I think we're onto something before when you were smacking what's his name? Luton Plunder with a bat? A ring of a bat. Wood. Wake in mind. I'm choosing wood. Oh, wood.

That's different. All right. How does it come out of the ring? Like a tree. Like a tree. Like it starts off small but then grows big. Like a tree growing. Please tell me it's the pace of a tree.

No. So you're like, ah, and the ring flips open and there's just soil and you're like, there's a seed in there. Wait for it. Cut. Nah, it'd be more like poison ivy and stuff like that, I imagine. Like, it's a tree, but at force. Yeah. So imagine summoning a gum tree an inch away from, say, like, Loot and Plunder or Greedy

Boy Pigman. Yeah, Greedy Hogman Greedly? What's his name? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hogface Magoo. Yeah, that's him. Or greedy boy pig man. Yeah, greedy hog man greedily? What's his name? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hogface McGoo. Yeah, that's him. Hoggish greedily. That's true.

You've got to get close enough to do it, but it is... Ten metres. Oh, no, ten metres. Turn someone into a forest. Yeah. Can you... Yeah, can you... I guess you could grow a tree under someone.

Yep. That's a pretty intense way to die. Yeah. Yeah, grow a tree in them. Yeah. Exactly. Right through the middle. Is it like, can I...

Turn their guts into soil, plant a seed in there with your ring. Grow slowly in their digestive system. I was going to say, force them to swallow some seeds and then just germinate. You've got a ring. You don't need to force them to do anything. You can. All right, put a seed in their mouth and then grow that. Wait, it's not plant

It's wood Again Yeah you didn't You didn't actually say tree I said wood Oh yeah wood That's a good point So I was just imagining

You're like Planks Wood And like a plank Very slowly comes out And falls to the ground Like for some reason It's a plank

But it's rumbly So it kind of like Comes out flaccid Yeah and then On the ground And you're like Well I can build a house In time

I guess Maybe trees would be alright. Yeah, trees... Then you're getting very close to Earth, actually. Nah, Earth is just earthquakes and shit. Yeah. He doesn't summon a tree, does he? No.

I don't think so. I guess. The rest of the planet is probably on the fan. I reckon I could solve most problems with trees, except for fire, because I feel that would just be giving more fuel to it. Although I could perhaps do that thing where you do that burn off or whatever. And so, yeah, maybe trees are good.

Sometimes, yes. Plus then I could overpopulate the earth with tree. Everyone could be like, look, it's good for the environment. We're getting some more oxygen. Bad news for you, though. So Captain Pollution, one of... Loot and Pl and plunder in fact has a ring yeah to form captain pollution yeah i'll give you one guess to what that ring does

oh no deforestation yep got it in one ah damn man looking at this hoggish greedily and sly sludge they they they share it i guess have a sm ring. So we're getting pretty close to choosing the same rings as the bad guys. Well, mine's the direct opposite. I guess yours is the opposite, yeah. Yours is close. Yours is odd. You're more of the villain than I am.

Xamarin has just picked something that, unfortunately, a villain can counteract literally. Very quickly. But if I'm quick and keep, like, you know, he's like, basically, it's going to be like, you know, two energy beams at each other. Me creating trees, him cutting them down. I just love deforestation because it's not, it just doesn't make sense.

His ring destroys trees. That's all it does. Is it like a chain? You can't create destroyed trees. Yeah. Yeah. But like his power is the lack of something. That's if like i got the mutant ability

to to not have claws you know what i mean no it's more the mutant ability to like declaw you yeah to declaw someone yeah but you can still do that yeah i guess but it's just weird it's sort of like you need the person to have claws to begin with. Yeah, because it's a creation. You create with the ring, but what you're creating is a lack of something. Anyway, I would be annoyed by that particular ring. Yeah, look, I'll bring trees to the party. Okay, does that mean Captain Planet just, what, has a tree now? I imagine either, like, his hair now was a mini tree. Okay.

Or he had big, like, tree's arms. He already has kind of green. He has a green mullet, so maybe it's like now was a mini tree. Okay. Or he had big like tree's arms. He already has kind of green. He has a green mullet. So maybe it's like now. Now leafy. Yeah, it's a leafy green mullet. Yeah. All right.

Well. Like, look, I'm sad I don't get, you know, a job well done. But hey. You could have. It just had problems. You went through a lot of rings. I'm sad bad vibes didn't stick around bad vibes is my favorite he's gone through a lot of rings and he settled on trees which unfortunately deforestation

instantly negates yeah so my ring and something that impacts doesn't have a bad version of it yeah captain planet can still use it i can use it by myself And my ring is sword Does one sword come out at a time? Yeah But I can control how big it is Okay that's pretty good I mean I don't see how when having a bigger sword Do you mean physical size or length? Both

Okay so you could have a giant sword You couldn't wield Yes but it would shoot out of my ring so it's fine Do they shoot out at speed? Yeah So you have a giant sword you couldn't wield. Yes, but it would shoot out of my ring, so it's fine. Do they shoot out at speed? Yeah. Okay. So you have a sword gun. Yeah.

You basically have a gun that shoots. Can you choose the kind of sword? It's always a saber. It's always a saber. I guess that's pretty useful. It's very funny, though, to imagine everyone coming together and they're like, Earth, wind, water, fire, heart, trees Hot milky breath, sword And then Captain Planet's formed

But your sword just goes through him I imagine he'd just be holding two swords Because it's like an energy beam you have So you'd have the energy beam of sword Well then maybe one of his arms is a sword Yeah that's cool That's pretty useful One of his arms is a sword. Yeah, that's cool. Okay.

That's pretty useful. One of his arms is a sword, the other is a tree. This rocks. The Planeteers are like, please stop wrecking Captain Planet. Maybe his legs can be trees. Yeah, right. He's got big trunks for legs and swords for arms. Yeah. And a hot, milky breath instead of a head.

Just comes out his neck and like a geyser. Like a volcano. Like dry ice, it ripples down his body. Okay, so let's talk about these villains and the best way to defeat them. Name one villain that can't be killed by a sword. He's got a good point. I'm sure there's someone.

Okay, here we go. Zom, a former spirit of the planet who left Gaia in search of other worlds and ended up laying other populist planets to ruin, lacking Gaia to balance out his methods. Even though Zom does not have any henchmen of his own, he would often manipulate other people to do his bidding. Okay, so he's just never on the planet. Okay, never mind.

Forget I said anything. Swords got him good. Yeah, it scared him off. Captain Pollution. He's Captain Planet, but evil. Surely a sword. mind forget i said swords got him good it scared him off captain pollution he's captain planet but evil surely a sword surely he can't get killed by a sword plus he emits radiation that's rough do you know what's unaffected by radiation though swords and hot milky breath you know what's affected by radiation tree yeah rest. Yeah, rest in peace. Bad vibes wouldn't have been. Well, you know what I've been thinking?

Yeah. Maybe we don't need these planeteer dickheads. Yeah. Because think about it. We've got swords. We've got hot, milky breath. We have trees. But we also have bad vibes and the ring of an honest day's work.

So if we got our good friend, say, Adam, and maybe, I don't know, either Cass or Zora, they can come in and be like, right, you want a bad vibe ring? Giving Cass a bad vibe ring is good. Yeah. And all powering together to create our own Captain Planet. Yeah, a better Captain Planet.

Let's call him Captain Johnson. Yeah. Make him wear a Captain hat, though. You're the Johnson tears. You're the Johnson tears. We're the Johnson tears. You can't be one because he used all the rings too. Saving the planet is a thing we don't

do. Saving the planet is a thing you can do but we don't. Yeah, those other guys do. We have swords. It's kinda cool. Here we're captain whatever has the sword. Sword planet. And then he embeds his leg in the ground.

Hot milky breath at the camera. See, I'm imagining his body to be made of hot milky breath now. So he's like a mist. A mist with legs. Yes. Yeah. Mist with legs. With a sword arm. A sc with legs. Yes. Yeah, mist with legs, with a sword arm, a scowl, but a smirk because he's pretty chuffed with himself.

I was just imagining we do it together. There's like a big flash of light and there's just a tree, a sword embedded in a hot milk mist. And one of us is like, I don't know if I like this tree. But the tree's kind of smiling, being like, the tree seems like it had a good day's job, but... I hate it. It's just a bit off.

Are you feeling that? I'm not vibing with this tree. I hate this tree. It's had a good day, but maybe I've had a bad day, and maybe I hate that it's had a good day. I'm not... Look, hate's not a... It's too strong a word for how I feel about this tree,

but it's not a good feeling. I'm just not kind of with it, you know? Yeah. Wait, what rings did we use? Oh, that's right. We got that bad vibes ring. Caspen, like, I don't know. Okay, so do we think that our captain whatever?

Johnson. Captain Johnson. We just named him. Plus Johnson's slang for a penis, so it's on brand. Do we think that he could defeat Captain Pollution or Captain Planet? We're fighting Captain Planet now Yeah, they kicked us out

We left Let's get them, they kicked us out You guys left on your own accord We were bored, that's the same thing We were bored, you kept looking at us funny We made Captain Planet wrong We gave him swords Whatever you said

it was uncool, that was you. Shut up! Okay, so instead of fighting the eco-villains or whatever, I guess we're fighting the planeteers. Okay. Earth. Okay, Earth. We're a tree, so that's... Well, he creates an earthquake and then

the tree falls on him. Got him. Yeah. I'll give him hot milky breath To distract him And he's like oh that's gross And then you build a ring of trees around him to trap him And then you stab him I was going to say do you know what the planeteers are all weak against? Swords

Being stabbed Having a tree grown in them and bad vibes It kind of works because Here's how we work for every planeteer I go in and give them hot milky breath, and they are momentarily distracted, at which point, Zaman, you make a tree grow so rapidly that it breaks their hand. Yes. So they go out to use their ring power, and the tree smacks them in the wrist,

shattering their hand, and as they're screaming in pain and unable to attack us, Dusha cuts their heads off. Yeah, yeah. And while they're doing that, someone gives them a bit of a bad vibe and someone gives them job satisfaction and they're dead. No, we just use

job satisfaction on ourselves after we keep killing every planet to you. Whoever's got job satisfaction just keeps shooting it at us. I don't know, I just killed a kid. I feel great about this.

I feel incredible about this. Job well done, fellas. I've never felt more powerful or satisfied in my life. Wow. And then eventually Captain Johnson. Is Captain Johnson a tree? I imagined a tree in a pilot's hat.

So, yes. Captain Johnson does nothing. Grows slowly, I guess. That's what it's from. Smells bad. Yeah. And then we populate the earth with nothing but trees, hot breath, and give all the animals as many swords they want,

all having the sweetest job satisfaction they can, and then we give all humanity bad vibes. Exactly. Achieving what I think Captain Planet wanted. Mother Gaia loves us now. That's right. Mother Gaia realizes what we've done. Big thumb Monty Python style.

Squashed. Oi, not you guys. Being killed by a big thumb is good. Oi. Our reign of terror stopped immediately. Terror? We were doing good. We were making the earth more trees and milk like we wanted.

You love that guy. Don't you love milk and swords? I like that. Give her some bad vibes. Big hand comes out of the sky. Bad vibes. Turns into like a more thumbs down. Like, damn.

Damn, it's perfect for squashing us. Well, I think we did everything we set out to do. Yeah. And we killed those five pesky planeteers. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. Goodbye.

Whether Johnson tears, you can be what... Two. Because saving the Johnson is the thing to do. Go Johnson! Swords. Swords. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter,

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