Plumbing the Death Star - What Could You Bring to the Brotherhood of (Evil) Mutants?

Episode Date: October 14, 2018

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Sandspanceradio, it's like hanging to grab your tickets before they're all gone and you regret it for the rest of your life. Speaking of Adam and also of D&D, if you're heading to PAX Melbourne this year, you'll see our good friend Adam on the character creation, how to learn and what we learned playing D&D panel. Appearing alongside members from Dragon Friends, the C-Team and Split the Party. That's on Saturday the 27th in the EB Live Theatre at 5pm. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, the long-heralded and long-awaited YouTube series Saucy Boys, wherein me and Joel Dusha drink sauce from a shot glass and tell you if it was good or not, will be debuting its first episode on YouTube this Tuesday. So go watch and revel in its beauty. Also, we did Twitch now. Check it out.

Good evening, everyone. Welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, what could you bring to the brotherhood of, in brackets, evil, close brackets, mutants? Is that how they build themselves? Well, sometimes they call themselves the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, which frankly... Oh yeah, straight off the bat, not good. Sets me on... I don't really want to join a Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, but I will happily join a Brotherhood of Mutants. This may be paraphrasing or misremembering, but do you know why they call themselves the Brotherhood of evil mutants but i will happily join a brotherhood of mutants and i'm just maybe paraphrasing or misremembering but you know why they call themselves a brother of mutants no because mutant as in like like evil mutants is in quotation marks as in like the

humans call them evil mutants so they're like we're the brotherhood but they're like the brotherhood of evil mutants because that's what they call them it is sort of How many words did it take you to say that sentence? That was the least economic sentence I've ever heard Jackson I think that was correct But I just don't know Is it because the humans hate mutants And they call all mutants evil You're doing it again

What about is it an ironic name There we go I did that in five words You did it in five sentences. I managed in five words. So with the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants... Have you guys ever tried talking but more? That's how I live my life.

For those who have no idea who these people are... Magneto and Friends. Magneto and Friends. Sometimes it's not Magneto. Sometimes it's other people and friends. But generally, it's Magneto's core group of mutants. And the reason why they call themselves the evil mutants is when they first did something like rob a bank or some shit that was on the news being like this brotherhood of evil mutants and magneto was like they're

gonna call us evil where we're gonna take it back that's what i said so many words yeah so for some reason i guess in the marvel universe evil mutants is a slur, and they're taking it back. They're going to get better. Surely they're going to get better. If they call themselves the evil, the Brotherhood of Mutos, what do you call them? Mutis. Well, it's just like, another thing with, like, I love sort of, like, racial terms in Marvels for what they use for certain things, because, like, the one for humans is called flat scans. And that's great, because...

What do they mean like when we're scanned we don't come up exactly having powers yeah so you're flat you're a flat scan i guess i think that's neat i would just be like what what do you mean and then they have to explain this slow is it better if they get a filthy flat scan i still know it's bad but i don't know why they're calling me a flat scan. It's like if I was like, hey, you goddamn spike boys. You don't know what it means, so it's not offensive. Imagine Magneto, he's flying down and he's like, look at you, you filthy flat scan.

And I'm like, sorry, what? And he's like, it means when you're scanned, you come up as flat. For what? For powers. See, it's lost its form. That's what you can say, hey, flat scans. And you're like, no, I'm Jackson.

I guess isn't that all racial slurs and insults and things? Well, you know where most of them came from. Yeah, if I'm like, hey, Jackson, you're ugly, he knows what that means. Hey, Jackson, you're dumb. Yeah. You're like, oh, I get it. I know it's flat scan.

I'd be like, what? I guess if they're, I get it. I know it's flat scan. I'd be like, what? I guess if they're scanning us all if I know that's a thing, then I might be like, hey, that's not nice. It's the equivalent of being like, hey, not IQ level of genius. Yeah, exactly.

It's hey, not IQ low boy. What? I should have used more words. And chipped over them more, please. It's like calling them the... Bad IQ boys. Bad IQ boys. That's what Plumbing the Death Star should be called.

Hey, we're the Bad IQ boys. Welcome back to Plumbing the Death Star Australia's most hated podcast So what I think I could bring to the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants That was the question, yes What do you call, I can't remember the name of this but it's a guy who comes into your company and gets rid of the dead white Like a fireman

Like I will come in and I will fire the people you don't like George Clooney and up in the air A downsizer? Yeah I will downsize I've got a list of the Brotherhood mutants here I'm going to tell you who stays Who makes the cut and who doesn't Toad you're fucked

Fuck off you don't need a Toad Magneto You can stay Magneto You should you're quite a powerful figure You're my boss You cut a pretty impressive figure Toad Magneto. You can stay Magneto. You should. You're quite a powerful figure. You're my boss. You cut a pretty impressive figure. Toad, you're fired. Because you look gross and you give us a bad name. He's also gross.

He's just a gross little gross boy. You're filthy. You make everything wet. He thinks about fucking all the time. He constantly thinks about fucking and constantly talks about eating us. We just can't have that. We've been through this before. Do you know how many press interviews you've had

where Toad has worked his way? That's interesting. That kind of reminds me of the time I ate ass. Eh? Eh? Eh? High five. Nobody's high five on you, Toad. No one would shake his hand ever.

It'd be so slippery and covered in warts. Quicksilver, fuck him off. What is he? Speed boy. He's a fast boy. Fast is a good power. It's a good guy power. If we want to be bad guys, no quick people.

Also, Quicksilver sometimes and often goes and be a good guy. Yeah, we don't need that shit. It's double agent. Firing for being a double agent. Double trouble agent. It is Magneto's. Plus, as we've brought up before, Quicksilver. You're firing the boss's son. Fucked name. Yeah, but you're firing double agent. Double trouble agent. It is Magneto. Plus, as we've brought up before, Quicksilver. You're firing the boss's son.

Fucked name. Yeah, but you're firing his son, though. Hell deal. Well, Magneto, kick me out. I'm doing this for you. Nepotism is bad. Mastermind, unfortunately, there was a Will Ferrell animated film that came out called Mastermind,

and you're just going to confuse people. So you're out. Until you come back with a big blue head and the voice of Will Ferrell. Sorry. Could he rebrand and change his name a bit? Yes, if you want to rebrand, if you want to call yourself something else.

Jason Winegard. If you want to call yourself something else. He's like an illusionist, yeah? What if he calls himself the illusionist? There's another movie. Look, you're going to confuse with Ed Norton. If he calls himself the illusionist? There's another movie. You're going to get confused with Ed Norton. If he calls himself Illusion Boy or something, just find a different name.

You're not fired, but I'm not happy you're here. You're on probation. You're on probation. Find a name that is not also the name of a major Hollywood film, and you can stay. Blob, you can stay. Blob can stay. Of course Blob can stay. Blob can stay, but Blob can stay Of course Blob can stay

Blob looks evil, has a great power Well yeah, because Toad's gross Blob is also kind of gross Yeah, but Toad is like snivelly gross Blob is intimidating gross Imagine you fight, okay Zammett Blob is never talking about fucking Blob just sits there breathing heavily

I guess Blob to me would inspire me to do cardio. Imagine this, Zammett. You're an X-Man and you're in an arena, like a boxing... I don't know, you're having like a one-on-one fight. You get to have a fight with Blob or Toad. Who would you rather fight? I would rather fight Toad because I know I'm going to win. Exactly.

That's why we keep the Blob. Yeah, look there. But we get him a new outfit that doesn't show off his blob-ness. So not one unit art. Maybe we just get him like... Trunks? Yeah! No, a speedo. Nude! Blob must now be nude if he wants to stay on the team.

Anus the Untouchable. What? Unus. You're out. Your name sounds like anus, so you can't stick around. Anus the Untouchable is the worst name. I don't want anyone on this team named Anus the Untouchable, so you've got to go. How's it spelled? U-N-U-S.

It's Unus. It's fucking anus UNUS That's what the people will think There was a recent attack On the UN by anus the untouchable That's not a good look for us guys You got anus the untouchable

And you got Toe talking about him eating ass. Okay. We need to stop this ass talk right now. We're way from the rear end, you guys. So anus the untouchable, you're out. I'm sorry. Lorelei, no one gets your name. She's presumably water-based

because I think Lorelei is the name of a fucking mermaid. Is it hypnotism? Maybe even vertigo or some shit. Yeah, like fire. Alpha the Ultimate Mutant. Fuck off. Don't call yourself Alpha the Ultimate Mutant. Also, Magneto,

if you've got somebody on your team named Alpha the Ultimate Mutant, do you not think that makes you look bad? That your name is not Magneto the Ultimate Mutant? Who is Alpha the Ultimate Mutant? I don't know, Samet. He's not in the team anymore. He's just bald wearing a loincloth.

Fuck off, Alpha the Ultimate Mutant. Go away. Fired. It was created by Magneto. It's another one of his sons. You're out! Magneto It's another one of his sons You're out Magneto we're gonna make you a free agent

That's what this is all about Getting your groove back Vanisher that's an alright name You can stay Astra who the hell are you Astra don't hate it as a name Let's find out what you look like though Before I make any Any let's find out what you look like though before i make any any claims also

find out what uh what uh uh alpha looks like you know alpha hey no no not alpha a vanisher oh vanisher i think he's a also another bald guy uh astro you got a weird metal suit you can stay look honestly at this point the person i want to really get rid of is Anus the Untouchable. And then anyone else is just gravy, really, at that point. And Toad? Yeah, and Toad. So Anus and Toad are now teaming up. Why are they teaming up?

Because against me? Yes. What did I do? You fired them. Yeah, but they should like Honestly if your name is Anus the Untouchable And I fire you You gotta be like well

Jack and Turtle change his name to Anus the Touchable That's his dream really He would love to be Anus the Untouchable I mean the Touchable Angelo Onisioni Again you're getting this like like, noose vibe. Yeah, it's very noose heavy.

Just going through some other characters, and we'll go through all of them, but these people are gone. Peeper. You don't need your peeper. Slither. Gross. You're off. You're gone.

What about Pyro? Fire boy. That's pretty good. All right, Pyro can stay. Thorn with two Ns, fuck off. Too many Ns? Is that why they're getting five? Yeah, absolutely.

One N or no Ns. No, wait, that's Thor. That's already a guy. You can't have no Ns. One N or nothing. I think there's a guy called Shocker. Shocker's not okay. That's too...

What are we, college students? No, thank you. Character named Random. You fucking kidding me? He has, like, guns for arms. Oh, he can stay then. That's cool. Got a character named X-Man.

You need to get rid of him. For real? Magneto? Nate Grey. Yeah. Nathaniel Nate Grey. Also, your nickname is not... He's Nathaniel in quotation marks Nate Grey.

If your nickname is just a shortening of your actual name, it's not a fucking nickname that should go in the middle of your... I'm not Jackson Jack Bailey. No, but that is a nickname. Yeah, but it is a nickname, but it's not a nickname worthy of being... If you had a police file, it would be sometimes Jackson Jack Bailey. That's ridiculous. That's just nicknames.

It should be Jackson slash Jack Bailey. No. No. Jackson or Jackson Jack Bailey, other aliases. No, Jackson Bailey, other aliases, Jack. It's funny to imagine like me or Zamik because it'll be Joel Dusha Dusha. I think you're going to say it's funny to imagine you and you two as like magneto and i don't know mystique and i'm having this argument about my nickname with you

like it doesn't it is a nickname no uh yeah so x-man can fuck off because don't name yourself it's like if you had a character named avengers the greatest member of the avengers avengers that's ridiculous oh what's your name oh i'm justice league how you doing no thank you x-man can fuck off aurora that's fine professor x what's he get out of here professor x is fired for his own good. He shouldn't be in this team. What about Mammomax? Excuse me? Mammomax.

Okay, before he's fired, is Mammomax either mammary-based or mammoth-based? He's mammoth-based. He can stand. Maximus Jensen. That's a good name. That's an incredible name. He's basically like if the Elephant Man

exactly was what he said on the tin, you know? What else we got? A character just named X. Your name cannot be what cowboys sign contracts with. I'm sorry. Get a character named Fagin. That's not cool. Don't name yourself after a Dickens story.

That's lame as hell. Oswald Marshall. Unnamed Colombian Mutant Oh that's not the name Okay the name is not Unnamed Colombian Mutant That's fine What about Mystique?

Mystique can stay Sabretooth can stay they're fine Unnamed Mutant with Bony Protrusions That's good you can stick around Fever Pitch Fuck Off That's a good name Es stick around. Fever Pitch. Fuck off. That's a good name.

Yeah. Esme Cuckoo. No Girl. Yeah. What? What about No Girl? That's ridiculous. She's just a no girl.

No Girls aside, let me remind you of something. What? I'd like to remind you that our sister show, D&D is for Nerds, is doing a live tour of Australia's East Coast. Oh, yeah. With a different show every night, yeah, and all new characters. Tickets are available at sandspantsradio.com forward slash live and are also selling fast,

so get on it before they're all gone. Also, here's a word from our sponsors, maybe. Maybe not. All right. Anyway, let's go through this list. Black Tom Cassidy, Juggernaut, Mama Max. Yeah, you're good. You can stick around. I feel like a Max, yeah you're good you can stick around

I feel like a lot of what you're doing is just, it's less about them fucking off based on powers it's now you're just basing it off names Absolutely Who let Toad back in? The 13th incarnation they let Toad back in

That's not okay What about Post? Post is fine Toad back in. That's not okay. What about Post? Post is fine. Skinless Man can stay. That's scary as hell. Although, unless Skinless Man is feeling it and all of his fluids are leaking out, he should go to a hospital.

That's fine. Okay, so the... Where is it? The 14th incarnation had Omega Red, Omega Black, and Omega White. Pick one. One of you can stay. Decide between yourselves. Yep, you can figure that out.

Professor X is back! Go away, Professor X! You've got the X-Men to lead, Professor X. Why are you here? You don't need to be here. What else have we got? These are fine. Most of these are? You don't need to be here. What else we got? These are fine. Most of these are fine. And finally, Kalogoth.

No. No good. What is Kalogoth? I have no idea. He's down the bottom. He looked like a reptile. Not for me. So, because I think, you know, and I think I've gone through every incarnation of the Brotherhood of Mutants and I've decided who goes. And honestly, I think...

They're a better team for it? Yeah, absolutely. Because it's just about having that, you know, imagine... How many iterations were there? 14, 15? 15, I think. So I think you've got like a big, like a pool of mutants to choose from. And I think you're right.

I think you're like, all right, let's just once and for all find out who is on this team. You have an A team and a B team But you know there are some people who you're not letting back in Magneto Toad is one, Xavier is another For different reasons He would not be coming into your team And Amos the Untouchable

Let me talk You can both be Magneto Because of a mutant mistake That's fine You can be magneto and i can be uh mamamax okay i never get in cut mamamax thank you so much for coming in here i love that you're part mammoth that's so exciting i just don't see enough of this in the field welcome jackson to our boardroom okay so first of all i just want to go through some key mutants that i've noticed yes i think are going to need to be cut. Beginning straight off the bat, Anus the Untouchable.

You can't have that guy on your team, okay? Unus? No, I believe it's Anus. Believe it's Anus the Untouchable. Jackson, I hired you to look through my team. Not to make fun of their names. But that said,

Anus the Untouchable does... Sorry, Unus the Untouchable. It just sounds like I'm saying Anus wrong mama max has a good point fine considering of a mammoth so consider him gone all right um the next one i'm thinking obviously uh world famous ass eater in quotation marks toad okay every conversation i had with him somehow wound its way back to him eating us and and that's just not a good look that's not a good foot forward he did try to eat my ass he likes eating us evidently and i just the weird thing is i don't think he ever has i've never seen him with a member of well either sex i just don't think toad is interested in fucking but he loves talking

about fucking yeah i just don't think he's capable. Look, get rid of him. It just seems very sex-pesty. That's fair. Get rid of him. Mamma Max, I don't like that you're not on my side for these two, but you are part mammoth, so I guess I'll listen. I'm wise. I never forget. He's got the wisdom of a mammoth. Elephants never forget, but mammoths really never forget. Do you have the fear of mice?

Always. Alpha the Ultimate Mutant, do you have the fear of mice always uh alpha the ultimate mutant do you think it's not a good look for you to have someone claim to be the ultimate mutant in your team when you surely is the leader of the mutants should be the ultimate well that's the thing because i'm the leader clearly i am well then pray tell magneto and i don't mean to intrude but why is he the ultimate mutant that's just his name if i see you in the lineup i'm seeing this'm seeing this guy in his leotard, and I'm thinking, well, there's the ultimate mutant. Who's this guy with a fucking funny helmet? What did you say? But your helmet, it's a silly dome.

He's in a leotard showing off his muscles. You got a cape because you don't want to show off your old body. I get it. He's gone. Alpha, no. Because, okay, they think that Alpha's the leader of the Brotherhood. They kill him. He's gone No Because Okay They think that Alpha's the leader Of the

Brotherhood They kill him Okay I'm still here But then they're gonna be Like then that rule Is gonna be revealed That you know

He was never the leader So he's there to die No But if he does Are you disattached Because he's your pseudo son Is he Another one of the ones

You created Yes Okay Well You know He's attached because he's your pseudo-son. Is he another one of the ones you created? Yes. Okay, well, you know. He's the ultimate mutant. And also, as I created him, it makes me the ultimate creator. Does it? Yes.

Apparently he was created in a long-deserted subterranean deviant city. What does that mean? Don't know. Fine, we'll keep L for the ultimate mutant. Peeper has to go. Sex bestie again. Or a name change. Unless the power is peeping.

What if we just call him Tom? If you call him Peep, that's fine. That's almost cute. It's just because he's got big bug eyes. That's why we call him Peeper, because he's Peepers. Yeah, well, I get it. Yeah. I'm going to call him Jeepers Creepers now. That's fine.

Sometimes he goes by the name of Colt, is that better? Yeah, that's fine as well X, like I said, I have a rule You can't name yourself after what a cowboy Signed a contract with You would have seen that on my business card, that's what it says on the back So Obviously

My issue with X is that he shares the name with The members of my opposition team, the X-Men. Well, I wanted to talk to you about that. I see Professor X in here quite a bit. You are aware he is your antagonist. Excuse me? I'm what? I've always been a member of this particular brotherhood of evil mutants.

That's the most evil one you'll ever know. You were making fun of my helmet before. Those are the types of decisions I make when I'm not wearing them. Professor X, you're fired. You're mean. Get out of here. Your building is not wheelchair accessible. I made it like that

on purpose. To keep you out. When I got back in, I can get in, but I can't get out. Getting in is just a small ledge to fall off. Getting out means I have to climb the ledge and I can't. Can you get Mammomax to push me?

Get Mammomax back. Toad can walk you out while he's packing up his stuff. X-Man, what are you doing? Yeah, look. Talk me through the decision, though. Well, he's packing up his stuff. X-Man, what are you doing? Yeah, look. Talk me through the decision, though. Well, he's very powerful. Sure, but the name.

I just call him Nate. Yeah, well, if you just change his name to Nate, honestly, guys, and this would solve a lot of your problems, if everyone just uses their first name, can we just imagine that world for a second? Anus, Unus, no problem, because that's not his first name. His name is not Anus.

His name is not Anus. That's what I've been trying to tell you. Yeah, exactly. His name is Gunther. It's Gunther. As if it was Gunther. Gunther is not that intimidating a name, but it's more intimidating than Anus. How about Mr. Bane?

Mr. Bane? He's Gunther Bane. Yeah, Gunther Bane. That's a great name. But yet he wants to be anus the untouchable. I notice you have three omegas here, red, white, and blue. Yes, together they form the flag. Wait, it's red, black, and blue.

Oh. You don't even know. These are your people. Maybe I should fire them. Maybe I've been out of touch with our selection process. Yeah, look, just having had a look through through it you get a lot of rubbish in there but mainly if you get rid of peeper toad anus the untouchable x x man by the way you have both x and x man and the leader of the x-men charles. Yeah, and especially if you kick out Professor X,

that would be the ideal thing. I mean, look, even if you ignore all my other advice about anus boy and paper, what have you, at the very least, get rid of Professor X. Do you think he might be a spy? Potentially, yeah. Look, there's a chance. What makes you think that?

Just an inkling. Look, I've been in the biz a while. So the amount of times I've had to kick you out of the X-Mansion. Okay, when I do the reverse of this. That's three, to be honest. I do enjoy joining the X-Men every now and then. Yeah, you do. You ran their school for a bit.

Good. That was a good time. It seems also like you've got a lot of... Mamma Max is not happy with the way things are run. Maybe a private meeting with Mamma Max is worthwhile. Are you not happy, Mamma Max? I mean, sometimes you let Xavier in, and sometimes you're like,

what are we going to do now for the evil mutants? And you're like, I'm running the school of good kids. And you're like, oh. It just feels like sometimes you forget about us, the lonely mammoth. Yeah. You went extinct for a reason. Just, you know, maybe stick to your MO, you know?

Maybe have a vision that we can all walk, you know? Vision? He should join the X-Men. He shouldn't. No, no, brotherhood. You just don't know. See what I mean? He gets confused.

He gets confused. Take him to a doctor. So, look. Basically, I'm going to leave my card. Hopefully, you make those decisions. Thank you so much for your time. Goodbye. So, yeah. I guess that's what I'll bring to the end. Basically I'm gonna leave my card Hopefully you make those decisions Thank you so much for your time Goodbye So yeah I guess that's what I'll bring to the

You didn't really stop any problems Except that Charles Xavier was in The team I did That's a big problem Which Arguably is a big problem It's a big problem It's not a bad thing to bring to Magneto's

Like You know His To his table To be like Look You're kind of overrunning The bunch of wankers

But There's one thing that I think can save the ragtag team of fuckheads that he has. And that is the one thing that Magneto and the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants don't have, and it's the face of the company. They need someone that's

not wearing a dumb helmet and threatening to kill everyone with metal to be the face of their company. And I propose that that face be my face. The calming, well It is calming. Natured, handsome head. That is

mine. Yep. Front of the building. Front of the building? Like Mussolini had. Oh. Be good Mussolini had the big face yeah Yeah yeah yeah alright good 1984 style yeah yeah yeah

So we're gonna have a big Mussolini Style Joel Dusha face In the Brotherhood building And you are gonna come out to every meeting Press conference or whatever Yeah I'll speak for the press and stuff like that as well So can I just shoot some scenarios at you that you will have to then yeah and also the face underneath when there's a plaque it just says doucha says relax that's good like frankie like

frankie okay so say uh magneto and blob blow up a bank yep to get money to fund their schemes yep okay i'm the press. He's an amateur of the press. Mr. Joel Dutcher of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Yes. Could you explain the actions of Magneto and I believe it was the blob last night? Yeah, he was working with the X-Men.

Okay. So a lie. All right, so we have one of the X-Men represented. I'm just going to go and ask them a quick question Hey, Kitty Pride Is it true that you were assisting The Blob and Toad in Bank robbery where

I just want to check my notes, you were not seen No No? Hey Kitty, hey, Joel Dusha from Brotherhood of Evil Mutants I just want to remind you that Charles Xavier Was part of our brotherhood at least three occasions. How do you know that he is not ghost operating this situation?

In fact, you should... And you kicked him out and we kicked him out. He's on a straight now. He is not welcome in the X-Mansion. Let me back in. No. It's cold. You keep joining teams for no reason.

I get bored. And may I remind you that he has mind control powers. So really, can the X-Men be trusted not to rob banks? This is why I have Cerebro on all the time. Jackson Bailey, pretty boring news. Are you saying that Charles Xavier is currently mind controlling the members of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants to rob banks. Is that your claim, Mr. Gelducia?

No, my claim is that he's- It seemed like it was. No, no, no. You're close. That was like 90% of the way. You've got to pay more attention. This is your job. My bad.

Yeah. I'm saying that he's controlling the X-Men to rob banks with the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants or to take the fall for it. What do you- Sorry, Kitty Pryde, we weren't there. What are you saying? You're listening to the invisible girl. She can go underground and she wasn't seen. I'm not invisible.

I can just phase. Yeah, phase through the ground. So you could sneak into the bank undetected. Why would I need the blob? Drew's just tiny little handshake of like, I was very good. The blob, unfortunately, is very easy to influence, and I feel like you needed a full man,

and you've picked an overweight man who probably needs some help. But Magneto was also seen at the scene of the crime. He was helping out a friend. I feel like you're sullying the good name of the actor. I'm going to have a hypothetical here. If we wanted to rob a bank, we could very easily, but we don't need the money. Sorry, did you just

they would rob a bank if they needed the money and the head of the X-Men is now currently on the street which makes you think that they might need the money. Does it not press? When I asked about Magneto he said he was helping a friend. Can we just circle back to that? What do you mean by helping a friend? The blob, he was helping a friend. Can we just circle back to that? What do you mean by help friend?

The blob. He was trying to get him out. He was trying to get him out of the bank. We have footage of him stealing money from the bank. Mistake. Footage can be erased. How do you know that Charles Xavier wasn't putting that image in your head? Xavier can't use a wheelchair properly.

What makes you think he can use technology properly? No, not technology. He can get into all of our minds. That's why Magneto wears the helmet. It's just common sense. This is why mutants are dangerous. Okay, but you represent, you are aware, you represent a large group of mutants.

Exactly. But I feel like that you're grilling us when you should be grilling both of us. Well, they've not robbed any banks recently. The moment the X-Men rob a bank, Mr. George, I assure you, I'll be there to question that. We're working together. We're not working together. We are working together.

We are 100%. Look, I'm sorry. I'm just going to show a hypothetical Mr. Pressman. Sure. If we were to rob a bank... It's sad only one guy came to this press conference. It is. Mr. Pressman, would it not be, say, if I was wanting to rob a bank, why would I want to, say, have a distraction that everyone would be like, oh, I guess that bank was robbed.

To frame the Brotherhood, your enemies, why would you do that? Wouldn't I just want to rob a bank and leave without anyone knowing? So, Mr. John, it is true that the X-Men have invisible people and that they could have easily robbed the bank without anyone finding out. Yes. We have six teleporters. Yeah, they have quite a few teleporters. We're just a school. Plus, they are somewhat objectively good guys

in that scheme of things. They're also very rich. The 1%. Yeah, okay. So why would we want to rob a bank? Because what if you're rich is maybe, like, the person who's bankrolling the whole situation is now homeless because he tried to join too many teams and you need to pay the bills. Nah, Warren bankrolls us.

Xavier kind of stole his money. It's kind of why we kicked him out. Oh, a money thief in their team. Yeah. But they've removed. Yeah. Who Mariah kept trying to join the brotherhood. Who Mariah kept letting them in.

I just like joining teams. Hey, Tony Stark, need a new guy? And really, what's the most evil thing? Robbing a bank or having a whole building that's not wheelchair accessible. Well, what do you say to these clones? That our building's not wheelchair accessible? That absolutely is. This ramp up the back.

The only person we've ever had with a wheelchair enter is Charles Xavier who frankly isn't welcome I say what about if a a mutant who needed a wheelchair like I said there's ramp access at the back

we'll be more than happy did Charles Xavier not realise this well he just didn't ask he just assumed and then I think that he thought that if he just rolled

in the front and fell over that he could sue us if things need to be I see it does sound like Xavier look we're not going to lie.

He is somewhat of a villain. Yeah, well, we know that. Don't worry. So your ultimate claim is that you're basically just trying to put the blame on Kitty Pryde, specifically, presumably, because she's the only X-Man here currently. I'm just saying, before you attack our team,

please get your facts straight. Okay. Excuse me, but what are we called? The Xmen what are they called the brotherhood of evil mutants it's an ironic name because you called us that is not a lot of people get that just i just feel like i should point that out to you guys you also rob banks i heard you have someone on your team named anus the untouchable i just don't know how Unus! His name is Unus! I hear the public feel about that I can't take it anymore! What about Peeper?

Yeah, Peeper is another character, this Toad character who thank goodness is not here Say what you will about your job as the new front of the X-Men, you're not circling around to arse-eating, and I gotta thank you for that You're welcome And yeah, unfortunately Toad was a problem Okay, yeah, I'm glad he's gone We're looking at rebranding Peeper because we realise gotta thank you for that you're welcome and yeah unfortunately toad was a problem okay yeah i'm

glad he's gone we're looking at rebranding peeper because we realized that whilst he has big eyes peeper is not the most accessible name it's certainly not and it's unis whose name will remain that's a point you're taking a stance on well it's good to hear unfortunately it's not even really for me to decide it's for the cops to decide they have a lot of footage and they just have more evidence that you did it than the mutants did what's that footage stored on a disc presumably perfect thanks for letting me having to ask big magnet magnet, clear name. It's very great to imagine you getting backstage with your phone on your shoulder and ear being like, Magneto, get the biggest fucking magnet you can.

We gotta wipe some shit. Hurry, hurry, hurry. Just fly by the cops and just do your thing. We gotta kill some people in the press as well. Can we kill Kitty Pryde? Someone's gotta take her out, man. She made me look like a fucking idiot. I think I made her look dumb for a bit too,

but I definitely lost that one. It didn't stick. It didn't stick. Just went right through her. Went right through her. Yeah. So, look, good job, but also bad job. I feel like I did my best, and that...

One final thing before you leave. An eight and a half out of ten is still a pass. One final thing before you leave. I was just wondering about the giant... Your face on that building. Does it also have just yes, yes, yes, yes, yes across? Some people I've heard are saying it's Mussolini-esque. Well, like all bad... Look, can we just it's Mussolini-esque. Well, like all bad.

Can we just appreciate the Mussolini building? Everyone just Google Mussolini's face on a building. But imagine it's Joel Douches and it says, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And underneath it says, Douches says right. Fuck. What an amazing image. So what do you have have to say what is the function of that face just to get the people to relax and to let them know that we are a yes company do you have that stern face as well no i'm happy a lot of people say they find it quite intimidating

do you know what else they probably find intimidating a man in a wheelchair who can control people's minds don't think people find a man in a wheelchair that intimidating. Who can control minds. But on first look, you don't... A man who looks like a mammoth? That's intimidating. We've seen Mamma Max more very impressed. What about Wolverine?

Well, Wolverine is... Sometimes he's part of the X-Men, sometimes he's not. You can't really put the blame on the X-Men. You can put Wolverine on the X-Men, but we can't put Mamma Max on the Brotherhood. And again, Wolverine can sheath his claws. Mamma Max always looks like a mammoth. 100%.

Yeah. And may we please remind you about Anus the Untouchable. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, doesn't Rogue suck people's life for some reason? Well, she tries not to. Exactly. She generally covers herself head to toe. May I point out the Untouchable name of her?

So I think that's a positive message for all the children. Sorry, the untouchable name of Unus. Anus, sorry. Unus the Untouchable, the untouchable part of his name. So he's fine for rogue is what you're saying. No, he's untouchable. It's not the touchable anus. It's Unus the Untouchable.

So you're saying the fact that he's an untouchable anus makes him okay. Are you saying that, well, yes, he's an anus, but thank goodness this one is not touched. He is an UNUS! And yes, untouched. Why not just have him not be an anus? Okay, we'll work

on a new name, Pure Unus. His name is Nustiantachul Einus Dive butthole Steve that's all very good and well but I reckon there's a way we can kind of combine

everything in here I don't know kind of almost like a like a cure-all as it were yeah Jax and I did such a good job though

yeah I reckon because again you guys got some similar ideas here yes they need like the face of the brother of mutants and they need to like you know maybe make some Jax and I did such a good job, though. Yeah. I reckon, because again, you guys got some similar ideas here. Yes, they need the face of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, and they need to maybe make some culling.

Yeah. I honestly reckon you need someone in PR to come to Magneto and be like, you have a big problem, and it's a public relationship problem. And a lot of this stems from the name, Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. You've got a couple of problems. One, evil, not great. Brotherhood, not inclusive. Yeah, that's true. Okay.

So you've got two names, two words here that aren't very inclusive. Have we heard of maybe, I don't know, the collective? Yeah. Have we heard of anything like that? The Mutant Collective is a fine name. The Mutant Group. The Mutant Group. Because you've got the X-Men, and already that's another problem of, you know, not very welcoming and inclusive.

So if I was to rebrand my team as the Mutant Collective, we'd still have a guy called Anus Dave. Well, again, this is a several-pronged approach. And Joldish's face on the front of our building. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We will break that. Look, I'm not going to say... Look, it's not the best move you've done. It says yes a lot.

I feel like it's a positive message. And then everyone relax. It is a positive message. It just seems that the repeated yes and that face... I know he said it was smiling, but it looks a little bit too smug. Did you not think that it was maybe a bad idea, given that nobody at the time knew who Joel Dushan was? So people were like, what does this mean? He seems like an everyman.

Yeah, well, he gave one press interview and disappeared into the night. And that press interview went? Pretty poorly for him, to be honest. He lost it. He tried to throw Kitty Pryde under the bus, but you've got to remember that Kitty Pryde can phase and the bus didn't really affect her.

Like I said, I heard it was an 8.5 out of 10 and that is still a pass. I mean, I don't know who's telling you these lies, Magneto, but it's come from Joel Dusha. Yes. Okay, well, self-reporting. You've got to think about that, Magneto. I'm going to see the problem.

So, look, let's call yourself the Mutant Collective. Now, let's just go through these team members. And look, I know everyone loves code names. You yourself like to be called Magneto. Yes. But what about we become a bit more open to the public? You know, try and get the public on your side. The public that hate us.

No, they hate you, yes, because you're calling yourselves the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. They still hated me before that. Yes, because you have a very aggressive plan. I was in World War II. Yeah, that sucks. And we can, why don't we sort of, you know, play that up? Play up my atrocities. Yes! We show people, you know,

what can happen. You know, we can show you the humanity of you. People are afraid of you right now, Magneto. I'm afraid of you. I'm so terrified. They're only afraid because they fear what we can... See? Because I know right now that you could just, with a snap of your fingers,

pull all the iron out of my blood. They're a bit rightfully afraid of you. Just saying. Who's this guy? Jackson Bailey. I'm all about killing you guys, but I just like to sit in on meetings. It's a sex thing, I don't know.

Who do you represent? Me. Did you bring him uh no i find meetings wherever they are get in on them get off i don't know what jackson bailey is saying look he's been to several of these meetings of mine i've been to so many fucking meetings man you don't even know and you said this is a sex thing yeah i'm. Sir, I find that very upsetting. Now you see how it is upsetting? And that's how the general public are finding the image of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Are you comparing my collective

with this man who comes in meeting? Collective, I like it. You're using the word now. This is good. This is progress. Alright, the Collective of Evil Mutants. No more. Think about that for a second. Maggie. Magnus, can we call you Magnus?

Can I call you Nito? Eric? Eric is fine. Alright, Eric. Yes. Less pointing. Alright then, Eric. How about this?

Now, you like being called Eric. Well, I prefer Magneto. Okay. Do you think that for people, it would be more comfortable for them to hear Eric because people know Eric And nobody knows a Magneto People grow up knowing Eric People meet Eric A neighbour called Eric

Cyclops we don't call him Scott We call him Cyclops And to be honest if you start being more open and honest And start being called like we're the mutant collective I'm Eric this is my good friend People hate mutants This is my good friend. People hate mutants. This is my good friend Maximus and yes people hate mutants but people love an underdog.

Yeah well see imagine you position yourself not as a superhero team or a super villain team. You position yourself as a group of political individuals who wish to champion mutant rights and possibly mutant superiority you know on the DL. Yeah yeah yeah. And when you're doing that and you're just a bunch of people mutant superiority, you know, on the DL.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And when you're doing that, and you're just a bunch of people in plain clothes, you know, you're just being civil. So lose the names, lose the outfits, lose the name, call us the Mutant Collective. Yes. And that will solve our problems.

It would solve a lot of your problems. Also fire Toad. Also fire the hell out of Toad, dude. That guy's a scumbag. Okay. That's coming from a man who's getting off to this meeting which again I am very uncomfortable with yes look we are

we can fire him we are an abstinence only household oh I see good to know but yes in that case you definitely have to fire Toad yeah he's all talk now for the last it's a bad image and again if you're going by real names his name is Mortimer.

I don't know how I feel about that. Still not good. Somehow a step down from Toad. Yeah. Yeah. But imagine you are just a group of people playing close championing for your own rights. All of a sudden, the X-Men are a bunch of fucking wankers in spandex, leaping around like fucking jackanapes. You know, you ever think of that?

I think you're after something. But how do we still commit our crimes? Okay. On the DL. On the DL. Because we've got bank strop, you know. Yeah, look, how about this? All right.

I heard from the news that the X-Men helped us rob a bank or something. That's just not true. Not true at all, no. I didn't think it was. Yeah, look. Wait. Oh, yeah, you're watching these two. Not quite sure who.

I'm not sure how you took that message away, but I'm glad you someone did. So how about this? It's a public-facing image. Everyone gets a nice, clean suit. Everyone goes by their normal name. Look, you have Wanda on your team, Scarlet Witch. You've got Pietro, Quicksilver It's a family run business

It's a family run company I'd vote for you This isn't a vote Also aren't you for my extinction Also aren't you currently erect All of those things are true Respectfully sir I will not take anything

You say on board in the kind of circumstances. Look, fair enough. You probably should ignore everything he does say, but sometimes even a broken clock is right twice a day. So, and this time an erect clock. Sometimes an erect clock is worth twice in the hand in a bush. You know. Perfect.

See? So, the forward- The outward facing company So what the public perceive Is just a family run Grassroots political party That just want mutant rights And if you want to maybe do some Robbery on the DL

Look you can do that But I would recommend maybe full face masks Changing Having no identifying features, change your names completely to like, Magneto does sound like Magnus and it kind of has the same connotation. I'm going to change my name to Professor X

and sit in a wheelchair. That's actually perfect, to be honest. That's the smartest thing you've said to me all meeting. Yeah. If you can get all of your brotherhood, your collective, sorry, to dress up like members of the X-Men, well well then who does it look like is committing the crimes and the x-men have a stock standard outfit that all their students wear and a lot of those like there's a lot of students so you could quite easily frame them and the best thing if you become

a like a grassroots political party we can now start getting donors it's it's a shame that you didn't do this from the beginning because then you're rob a place dressed as magneto nobody knows who that is yeah certainly not mild-mannered magnus lisha eric lisha magnus the untouchable yeah well exactly magnus and his untouchable anus. The people will call me from now on. Perfect. You did it. This way we can get, like, really a lot of money from political donors.

So you might not even have to rob banks. I mean, you could if you wanted to, but that's only if you wanted to. All right, so you're my PR agent. Yes. I've been thinking about this for a counterpoint. What if I just fight the X-Men and beat them and win and take over? Well, what's your track record there?

Give me one time it's worked. When Charles Xavier joined my brotherhood. Ah, see? Think about it, man. When there was a phoenix down, a dark phoenix or something, I think we won for a bit. Yeah. It's never very long though

there was a legacy virus or something yeah look that just like kills and honestly if you look at the numbers legacy virus has killed a lot more of your members than the x-men yeah it makes me sick it does wolverine's dead for a bit i think he's back now oh yeah that sucks man you got stuck in metal though i watched him die You guys are like cockroaches. You just can't get rid of you. That's the problem with mutants. The worst part about them is that they won't just go.

So, I mean you could fight the X-Men, yes, and you could win, but then this word here you said take over. To what extent? Well, I mean we are superior. Yes. Superior and empowered. Yeah, that's true. And people hate us and fear us, but it's just the next step of

evolution. So, what is your end goal? Do you want to eradicate humans? Survival of the fittest. Yep. Okay, now you're saying more of apocalypse. Yeah. Not survival of the fittest. I meant... Survival of the mutants. Kill all humans. Are you going to roundival of the mutants. Kill all humans.

Are you going to round up all the mutants, sorry, round up all the humans and put them in, say, internment camps? No, I learned my lesson from... Because if you're going to do that, that does sound like you're becoming the thing you hate. Yeah. So why don't you embrace love and not hate,

become a collective where all the disenfranchised mutants can come to you. Or all you dirty mutants can come to you. Or all you dirty mutants fuck off to space. May I remind you he is still a wreck. More so now. For two reasons.

A meeting and I'm thinking about getting rid of you guys. I've done a lot of thinking and there's two takeaways from this. One, mutant collective I like that two, I should kill all the X-Men and start with this man

I'm not an X-Man I'm just a man X a man A hey, it's small steps it's progressive no more meetings for you Hey, it's small steps. Look, it's a start. Hey. No more meetings for you. If I kill this man...

We can cover it up, yes. You're doing the world a favour, honestly. You been eating much meat recently? Hapes. Sort of like only meat. Just a lot of ham. Is there iron in ham? I don't know. It's making lot of ham Is there iron in ham? I don't know, it's making me sick

I did eat like three nails I ate like ham and then a nail to wash it down How do you think it's the ham that's making you sick? Yeah, it's old ham I've got to assume Just like crush his glasses into his face I'm at the front I look at the big Joel Dusha face

I open up a thing of ham from the butcher Shovel it into my mouth Couple of nails out my pocket Flick them into my Ow I have a problem with eating tacks Time to head in Hammed up and ready to go

On the way out I I imagine the face, one of the yeses just falls off and kills you. Embeds itself in my... Your eye pops out and crushes my head into the pavement. Perfect. Magneto is just inside being like, I'm so glad we made that out of metal. Well, we all brought something to the team.

Some did better than others. Some made grand speeches in front of a huge audience. Well, we all brought something to the team. Some did better than others. Some made grand speeches in front of a huge audience and really inspired a nation to hate the X-Men. And some of us made some small changes and one of us doesn't know how to read. Anus doesn't start with U. Is Unus the Untouchable? It's Anus.

Anus the Untouchable? He's Einus. Einus the Untouchable. No, thank you. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've also been Joel. I've been Jackson. You're unpleasant. As a man and as a friend. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter

you can find us at Sandspants Radio or you can find us individually I'm at Douche13 I'm at OldDogsOfDead and I'm at GodDammitZammit If you want to hear our other shows you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there

There's heaps and if you want to support us head to Sandspantsplus.com. Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.