Plumbing the Death Star - What Could You Bring to the Fantastic Four? + BONUS

Episode Date: May 14, 2017

In which our heroes answer a job on Gumtree, arrive at the Baxter Building and do their best to impress as we ask what could you bring to the Fantastic 4?Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for our UK tour right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Duscher: twitter.com/dusch13Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio. Warning! The following show features stunts performed either by professionals or under the supervision of professionals. Accordingly, MTV and the producers must insist that no one attempt to recreate or reenact any stunt or activity performed on this show. Hey everyone, couple of live show announcements before we start. Our Brisbane show is sold out, so that's awesome. Apologies if you couldn't get tickets. We'll most likely be back at some point, but before that, Inia presents Plumbing the Death Star UK Tour with Adam News. We've confirmed our first show. It's in Bristol, and tickets are available over at sandspantsradio.com slash live. Hopefully, we'll be able to announce other shows soon. It's just that planning this from Australia is a bit of a hassle and we're

incompetent at the best of times. If all goes well, our London show will be announced in the next few days. So just follow us on Twitter and Facebook for the most up-to-date information. And of course, check sandspantsradio.com slash live on where to purchase tickets. We've also had a bunch of emails from you guys asking about where we're heading, and we'll be perfectly honest with you, we're still sorting out some of those venues. We'll be in the UK for just under a month, and we do want to see a lot of what the UK has to offer, so we'll be aiming to do shows in the Midlands and surrounding areas. Apparently North is not part of the Midlands, so North, Wales, Scotland, and probably Ireland. We've got a vague plan, Thank you. set information, plus 10% off ticket prices and a whole lot more.

And as a little bit of a bonus for having to listen to me waffle on for the past few minutes, we've included episode 2 of the Plumbing Boys play slash ruin the sunless citadel at the end of the episode, which is a Hero and King exclusive weekly series for our SansPants Plus and Patreon members. Episode 1 was included with yesterday's D&D is for Nerds episode, which is a show where we play Dungeons & Dragons and have fun until we don't. We're getting into the tail end of our latest campaign, Buried Beneath, which is a perfect jumping-on point

as it's relatively unconnected to the previous adventures and has good friend of the show, Michael Shanks, as the beautiful magic boy, Squim. So, if you like our bullshit and want to help of the show, Michael Shanks, as the beautiful magic boy, Squim. So, if you like our bullshit and want to help support the shows, just head to SandsPantsPlus.com and sign up today. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask you important questions like, what could you bring to the Fantastic Four. In some most fantastic ways

No need to fear, they're here Just for the four Fantastic Four Don't need no more That's on the map Richard's is elastic Sue can save from sight Johnny is the unicorn

The thing just left the side All for more Fantastic Four Fantastic Four I like the way you phrased that. It was like you were asking the audience. Yeah. What can you do for the Fantastic Four?

What can you, the listeners, bring to the Fantastic Four? Ask not what the Fantastic Four can do for you, but how you can make the Fantastic Four the Fantastic Five. All right, so let's say... So assume that what's happening here is that... In Gumtree, there's an ad, wanted. A new member for the Fantastic soon to be five which I like to think came out

of an argument like it seems like the kind of thing where everyone's arguing it to prove a point Reed Richard is like fine well I'll put an ad in Gumtree that you happy? everyone's arguing that they're a key member of the Fantastic Four and then Reed's like fine you know what we'll put an ad who wants to

be a Fantastic four and who are they replacing no no no replacing i like to imagine that the situation where there is they're trying to make a decision and it's 2v2 and reed richards is like the only way we can decide is we need a fifth because like ben's probably like your wife's always gonna agree with you reed yeah that's that's a good and then and Johnny Storms is like, well, she's my sister. And Ben's like, no! You're his sister! We need a fifth.

I'm typing up an ad to Gumtree. Reed's like, I should not have built him that smashable keyboard. A keyboard where every key is as big as his fist. Is Reed being like, just use the dictation!

That sounds like a very frustrated... Dear... Space... Gum... Tree... Ray! Does Gumtree have a space? Maybe.

Backspace, backspace, backspace. Dear Gumtree. Yes. If I'm like scrolling through the card, I need work, backspace. Dear Gumtree. Yes. If I'm like scrolling through the card, I need work, and I need Dear Gumtree, I'm like, is this even addressed to me? This is against poor Gumtree. Well, what I think I could bring to the Fantastic Four is that I'm an all or nothing kind of guy.

And currently the Fantastic Four have a lot of reoccurring villains. Yep. Okay, so I could stop them reoccurring. That's true. I come in, they're like, I'm i'm like show me your village this is what i do for superheroes hi this is a business i run yep what what super villains you have that always give you just like superhero consultant that's what i'm doing you can do what you like that's good uh so what it what happens to you yeah you get this recurring villain dr doom he seems like a hassle okay you wish he was out of your life.

Yeah, yeah. Well, what we're going to do, so I've heard word on the street, you have something called an ultimate nullifier. We're going to nullify him. And if you don't want to use the nullifier, okay, you'll eventually have him tied up and then we kill him. That's what I could bring to the faff. The faff?

The faff. It's annoying there's no acronym. The double F is that, yeah, I'm all or nothing. And if need be, I could stop the reoccurring villains reoccurring, and I think that'd be so good for them, and it'd give them time to work on their science. I'd show them

a chart, and I'd be like, look at this pie chart, Mr. Richards and co. This is the amount of time you currently spend fighting Doctor Doom and his allies and his friends and your enemies. And this is the amount of time you currently spend fighting Doctor Doom and his allies and his friends and your enemies. And this is the amount of time you spend with your family. This is the amount of time you spend working on your science. Now, what if I could tell you... Hi, yes, I'm Reed Richards.

I spend a lot of my time with my family. My son's right here, Franklin, and this is my wife. Yeah, well, how would you like to spend time with your family, but not with your family engaged in combat? Studies have shown that a family that engages in combat is a less effective unit than a family that just is a normal family. Well, I hear what you're saying, Jackson, but unfortunately we don't do the killing thing.

We think that's very inhumane. Isn't that right, hun? Yes, absolutely. My voice has changed a little bit, but this one's sticking around, I promise. Yes, absolutely. My voice has changed a little bit, but this one's sticking around, I promise. So I feel like that when it comes to our reoccurring villains and fighting as a family, it unites the team.

We're a family first, but a team also first. Studies have shown that a child should not enter combat. That's true. That's why we keep Franklin at home most times. Yes. Unfortunately, Franklin has reality-warping powers, so we sometimes can't stop that. That's true. That's why we keep Franklin at home most times. Yes. Yes. Not always. Unfortunately, Franklin has reality-warping powers, so we sometimes can't stop that. I see.

I get that. I get that. Yeah, you know how it is being a mother and a son. Okay, I'll offer another package for the superhero family that doesn't wish to kill. Yes. How do you feel about an in-house prison? A negative zone?

I was going to say, we do have access to a portal to the negative zone. If we could just pop him in there, that's not a bad idea. So, so far, you're trying to bring murder and prison. Those are the things that I think you as a team are lacking. Now, I know, Ree, you did build that prison in the negative zone and that didn't go well,

but I think the problem there was we just didn't sell it hard enough because, you know, I was not on your side then. But now it seems like you are. Now that's excellent for what I want to offer you Because see the problem there with the negative zone Is we just weren't imprisoning Villains We were imprisoning our good friends

You know Reed actually more on this topic Why did you put Daredevil in the negative zone He's just a blind guy I just feel that's very rude Especially to Matt You know Matt Murdock is a very good friend of ours And you put him in a prison He's just a blind man

Not good read Would you guys like a moment? I feel like we all did some things in the Civil War That we're not happy about That's fair I'm pretty sure murder happened Which is something I'm still not comfortable with You did clone a Thor

I can leave I think that's for the best. If I'm causing issues in this family unit... No, no, look, honestly, Jackson, these issues were here long before you arrived. You've pitched murder in prison. But look, murder I'm not okay with, but prison, as long as we have given them a fair trial. It's hard when my

read voice and my normal voice weren't that different, because I tried to distance myself from that, then I got dragged back in. Maybe we heard from Ben Grimm maybe that would be alright Ben what do you think dear gum

what you already sent out the ad Ben well this guy didn't work he's just pitching murder I hate murder well have you noticed how Spiderman just lives a normal pleasant life? How many times has his bloody My voice has changed again

I'm Ben Green How many times has his bloody aunt Or his bloody girlfriend That's true Or fucking wife been killed Stacks We've had him on side before He's been part of our member for once.

He was leading us. Well, look, I've worked with Spider-Man in the past. We've eliminated, you notice, Oscorpus tanked. That was you. That was me. We killed Norman Osborn. Yeah. Well, you know what?

It's a fact. Look, I hate to say this, Ben, but Norman Osborn is a bit of a cunt. Yeah. Look, Spider-Man's... You're right. Spider-Man's living a normal life now. All right, Jackson.

How about this? How about this? Okay, I'm listening. We have Doctor Doom. You know Doctor Doom, he's a piece of problem with us. He runs that country. He runs that country.

He is basically... Latveria? Latveria. He's a detective Latveria. He always gives us fucking ass, eh? He sure does. He's always hassling on about us

to be like, do this, do this. Trying to seduce me, you know, every fucking other bloody minute. It's not on. How do you get rid of him? Bullet to the brain.

But he's wearing armour and he does no magic? He has to bathe at some point. Have you been around him? He does smell. Okay, so we'll assume he doesn't. You know, we've got lots of options for killing your potential villains and stopping your villains from reoccurring. No villain, if you've been the kind of superhero team

that has consistently not killed, we find that those are the villains least likely to expect a killing. So a very simple method is that when they come to attack you, instead of pulling your punches or whatever, you just don't. And no villain who previously has expected a mild prison sentence or a brief sin in the negative zone is expecting death. That's true. That's just what we find.

However, I think the problem there with Doctor Doom is that he'll just easily go into the afterlife and just pop back out again. I'm pretty sure he's done that before. Sue, I hate him! I know, I know. Well, look, we can't do anything about that. Oh, no.

Wrong person. Things. You know who haven't heard from before? My brother, Johnny. Yes, Sue. It's me, cool guy, Johnny. Yes, so, Johnny, what do you think about this do you think about I know you can go supernova So why don't you just hold down

Doctor Doom and just boil him from the inside I know I said I wasn't against death But you know what, he does give me arse ache I don't know, Sue I'm not very big on murder I'm not very big on this fella either If I'm going to be honest I'm pointing at you, Jackson was it?

Yeah, that's the name, Jackson. Your glasses are intimidating. Oh, I can take them off if you want. They do look like somewhere between a librarian and a pedophile. Yeah, I'll take them off. I'll take them off. That's fine. Look, I'm here to make you as comfortable as possible.

That's much better. That's my aim for what I do. Before, I would not leave you with Franklin, but now, I might. Yeah, well, that's good. I mean, I don't expect you. I don't know what you would. Oh, jeez. I guess. Well, well, that's good. I mean, I don't expect you. I don't know what you would, but. Oh, jeez.

I guess. Well, give me some of your other villains, you know. Who else are you facing on a day-to-day basis that you wish you weren't? Sometimes Namor. He's a bit of a, he's, then again, he's mostly trying to seduce me as well. Don't hate. But sometimes it's all right. Sis, settle down.

Don't hate. I'm a bloody jock around here. Can't have you sleeping around. Anyway, how are you going to kill a Galactus? That's true, Galactus Galactus Guy eats the world As a surfer fellow I know you were all championing the negative zone prison

But he is king of the negative zone I prefer, I feel like the murder path We call them paths I feel like the murder path, we call them paths I feel like the murder path is probably a better path for you, unfortunately I mostly deal with mortals anything that is considered cosmic level that's above my pay grade

mostly a cosmic fighting team I've decided my Reed Richards voice is the same as my Joel Dusha voice well, we mostly deal with cosmic entities if I'm going to be honest I think we've had enough of you, Jackson. I think, look, don't call us, we'll call you. Alright, well thank you so

much. I hope you decided to go with my again. I come well recommended from Spider-Man. We murdered Doc Ock in a bat. We drowned him. I want you to imagine a conversation where Reed Richards' body is standing there, but his head has gone backwards and is clearly in another room not listening. I'll take the hint.

You guys have a lovely day. Thank you very much. The hardest part there, we're trying to convince probably Sue and Ben and maybe Johnny not to kill. I know you played Reed Richard as someone who wasn't... I'm pretty sure Reed would kill in a red hot minute.

I'll enter someone's mouth and then expand. Like, although actually, no, maybe Reed wouldn't kill, but he would definitely incapacitate. All I'd have to do is play on Reed's logic and be like, in the long run, reading human life means nothing. That's true. And you might get him there.

Yeah, exactly. But you're right. All of his, their villains are cosmic. So what I can, we can kill what? Dr. Doom? Maybe. And even then he's mystical. However, my approach would simply be like,

Reed, Sue, Johnny, Ben, look, I know you guys are out there fighting the good fight, protecting the world, and that's fine. And you know what you guys don't really have? What's that? A babysitter. Now, what I can do is I can offer to be full-time care of Franklin and your daughter, Valerie. That's wonderful. And I can do is I can offer To be full time care of Franklin

And your daughter Valerie And I can help look after them I can teach them a little bit there I am a pretty good at the teaching aspect there I know Reed that you have given Like a robot Herbie Butler to the kids But that's not great

I really like that both me and Dush are doing Reed And I like to think you're chatting to two Reeds because of a cosmic mistake. So Reed. So I noticed that you've now duplicated yourself. Super good. Fortunately, we got trapped in a cosmic cloud and we swapped Sue, Johnny and Ben

for another one of ourselves. It happens. It happens to the best of us. So now... The other two of us The other two of me Are currently downstairs in the lab Trying to figure out How to bring back

The original Fantastic Four Without losing any reads Yeah Now fair That's fair So really you want us To be a Fantastic Nine That's the end goal I believe

Yes So um You said a Fantastic Nine there Are you assuming That you would be taking part In the Super Heroics Oh god no As well as Baby City Well then we'd remain A Fantastic Eight Yes Hang on There's four reads You said a fantastic nine there. Are you assuming that you would be taking part in the super heroics? Oh, God, no. As well as baby sitting?

Well, then we'd remain a fantastic eight. Hang on, there's four Reeds plus the three Missy. No, no, no. We hope to, when we bring back the other three members, bring back Reed. An additional Reed. Sorry, my math got a bit... It's the fantastic four, not the fantastic three. Yeah.

In fact, without Reed, without myself yeah or would you want to bring do you want to bring like like four johnny's susan ben's is is this the no no no this is the goal one of those is the optimum number all right then anyway what i'm trying to say is well now that there's four reeds yeah you guys don't have enough time to focus on franklin because you guys are sciencing you're busy you're doing all kinds of crazy stuff. But right now, I can offer that solution to be a babysitter. I certainly don't like interacting with my child. Me as Reed Richards. I know that, you know, the Reeds, you guys, I'm not going to lie,

look, I can be honest with you guys. Oh, you sure can. Like 100%. I don't mean this in any offensive way at all. I'm bracing myself for insult. In fact, I'm getting my slapping hand ready. I'll get my slapping hand ready, and if this is an insult, we'll both slap your head at the same time.

This might be hard for you to hear as a father, but I have read in some of the papers, especially the Bugle, that you guys, or at least you guy, we prefer the singular. That Reid isn't exactly the most attentive father for Franklin. You got slapped. But you're correct.

We do spend a lot of time. Not looking after our child. So I can provide at least a male figure in Franklin's life that doesn't necessarily disappear into the negative zone for several months at a time. How do you feel about getting ultimate nullified? Not a fan. Not going to lie.

Our child, Franklin. Yeah. You might not know this about him, but he's got reality-whopping powers. Indeed, he does. Why don't you get him to help with a boop? What do you think caused this? Sent him to his room He's currently in timeout

I've got a lot of blue balls he can play with Actually Sue sent him into timeout It's a chain of events So you think yourself qualified To deal with a reality warping 10 year old? Do you come recommended? Do you have any babysitting experience?

Yeah. Do you have a working with children's check? Yes, I do have a working with children's check. Okay, that's excellent to hear. That's good. That's one of, like, three ticks. Let's see. How do you feel about suddenly becoming wooden or a rubber duck?

Like, not great, not a fan, not going to lie, again, but is anyone really a fan? No. I guess my better question might be are you willing to deal with i think i am willing to look i'm pretty sure i did a stint at the x mansion dealing with some of the x babies there sure like uh did you know jubilee has a baby vampire or whatever the fuck that is i tried to stay away from professor x and his crew of misfits you should you should they're they're. You know, there was once there was just like

a child that was on the team for so long and no one bothered to check his birth certificate that he was an actual child. I think it was Maggot his name was. So very occasionally we get caught in cosmic stakes such as this. In the past we have all, due to cosmic mishap, become

babies. Yes. Are you prepared to deal with four baby Reeds and another fantastic four, but as babies? Because that is a valuable, valuable service. That's a valuable skill because I would say it happens at least once every three or four months. Well, a baby Reed is going to be a bit of a hassle because you're going to be stretching him out of the place. And you've got to kind of rein that in.

A baby Ben, he's going to be strong like, he's going to be strong and tough and he's going to hurt me. That's fine because I could maybe dodge his little baby blows. A baby Sue Storm, you will lose. She's invisible. Yeah. That's my problem. And a baby Fireboy, that's a hazard.

That's a fire hazard. Look, I do have, thankfully, like, you guys have fire extinguishers on every floor and every room so that I think we can take care of baby fire boy okay invisible last though I know what I'll do look talcum powder

whenever I'm changing her I'll just douse her in talcum powder so she can't go invisible all these little footprints around that's my wife you're talking about as a baby and as a baby everyone's gonna get changed

that's just a fact in life you don't want you don't care about this he's making the moves on our wife I'm not give him the slap again not name or again it was just it was just a hypothetical situation where your babies i understand i

believe that as a part of taking care of a baby it needs to get changed like i'm sure you don't want to be around in a poopy diaper. As we often continue to fight crime. How does Ben poop? Rocks, don't worry about it. All right, that'll ease it for you. I get pebbles, I imagine. His anus is visible amongst the rocks. His anus has remained unchanged. That is very unpleasant.

I do the physical, we do the physical, I do the physical of every Fantastic Four member once a year. And if you join the team, you'll be part of that. That's good. I need to know every inch of everyone who's working for me. I guess that's a plus. I'm thorough. That's really good. Yeah. I think

it's more now I'm scared of working for you. Because even in our baby form we will be continuing to fight crime because even whilst we are babies, Dr. Doom never sleeps never sleeps that's true and sometimes he himself is a baby yes and yet baby what if uh so due to cosmic rays whilst we are children we get like big so like adult size but yes Yes. So I had to deal with a big baby.

Well, eight. Are you prepared to deal with eight big fantastic babies? Five of them are I. Then there's obviously a Sue Storm, my wife. Ben Grimm, the thing. Five of them are I. Look, it's not an ideal situation, Reeds, but I can deal with it. Well, look, I'm confident I might have to bring in some help.

Yep. I know you have a working relationship with She-Hulk, and, like, you know what? She is a lawyer. She's a lawyer, and she works for our firm, and that's really good to have that. Between wrestling and law school, or actually being, she's not even at law school. She's just a full- works for our firm and that's really good. Between wrestling and law school or actually being, she's not even at law school. She's just a full-blown lawyer.

Yeah. Is she going to have time? And I don't know how I feel about me being in a suplex. Nah, fair. Even if I am a big baby. You know what, Mr. Samit, thank you so much for coming in. You're getting hysterical. We frankly don't have time for that.

We'll call you. Thank you. This is not a no, but it's not quite yet a yes. Again, now there's two Reeds standing talking to you whilst their heads just slowly leave the room. If you want to happen to do a trial period where I look after, so if you guys want to night out in the cinema give me a call.

We'll give you a call. Pass me the popcorn whilst I ignore my child. More children. Oh god. Okay. Look you were confident. You were very willing to at no point were you like this is too much for me.

You were very willing to deal with big point were you like, this is too much for me. You were very willing to deal with Big Baby Reed. Five of them. That's your champion for that. I'm very impressed. Well done. And they would need a babysitter, but it's Franklin Richards. Very soon you just become like

a dog. Reed Richards would come back, see a dog, and be like, okay. But it is a role that That's true. Come back, see a dog, be like, okay. Got to get another one. But it is a role that definitely needs filling. Absolutely. Absolutely. And again, if they're after a decision maker,

as in like a casting vote, whilst I'm there, you know, Franklin in one hand trying to like lead Valerie in the other, trying to like, you know, stir up a batch of cookies, and I can be like, what's this? Yeah, I'm going to side with Reid Reid or I'm going to side with whatever. Plus you can eventually maneuver your way into being Fantastic Four butler. And that's all right.

The Jarvis for the modern day. You're a bit more like a Manny though than a butler. I'm happy to be a Manny. Manny's are great. Yeah. It's a good name too. What about you, Dusha? What's your plan?

My plan is, so you know what the Fantastic Four are lacking apart from a murderer and a babysitter? What's that? The face. They need charm in their team. Reed Richards, as you just encountered, absolute garbage man to talk to. He is the very garbage man, I agree. It's clobbering time!

Ben? Sue? Yes? You're all lovely people, but I feel like sometimes... He's the rock face man. It's clobbering time He says that a lot That's okay

He won't shut up about the Yancy Street Boys Basically some people think he's in the gang It's clobbering time Perfect You can see where I'm coming from You're all lovely people but I feel like the Fantastic Four just need, like, someone, almost like a publicist, but also someone that can negotiate.

Oh, yes. Johnny's very handsome, and you can put him on the cover of things, but he's very hot-headed. Yes, he's hot-headed and- Literally. Yeah. That's why they like you, sir. Clever. Witty.

It's clobbering time! The Thing, You're good too Ben, do you prefer Ben or the thing? I need to know I'll be doing a lot of communications and things like that Ben thing? Can I call you that? It's clobbering time Something happened

Look, Ben had a recent trip to space again, and something happened to his brain. It's all rocks now. It came back a little bit muddled, you know what I mean? Something not good. Anyway, so I feel like that what you need, just like as a team, you don't need someone else to help you fight, Dr. Doom.

You don't need someone else to slap Galactus' balls. You guys have got that sorted. We do. What you need is you just need someone to go talk to the bugle and be like, Fantastic Four, great guys. Fuck Spider-Man. Yeah, they've been spreading some awful rumors about Reed being a bad father. If we could just sort that out, that'd be tip top.

Easy! And I know that Reed, he's doing science and he's fighting crime. He's got no time to be nice. I can translate. The charm, the face, the publicist. We do need a publicist, Ben. What do you think? Yeah, Ben thing?

It's clobbering time. Perfect. I think that... Basically think we're done here. Just give me a paper I'll sign off Maybe we should hear from Johnny for a second Johnny what do you think about this publicist Flame on

He also had a nasty trip in outer space It's clobbering time Flame on If you can spin this somehow To make it seem like everything is hunky-dory, I will just be forever in your debt and your hide straight away. Fantastic four catchphrases.

They all have them, and you love them. Flame on! Perfect. It's clobbering time. Even better. Now you know that the streets are finally safe when you hear the screams of Flame on! Or It's clobbering time. Perfect. you know that the streets are finally safe when you hear the screams of FLAME ON! or IT'S CLOVERING TIME!

perfect uh, Sue, do you have a catchphrase that you'd like to get in on? I just need to write these down so I know what to tell our advertising agency oh, fuck oh, fuck I'm probably gonna need something else

now you see me, now you tell me yep, perfect I can definitely work with that, and read Ah, fuck. I'm probably going to need something else. Now you see me, now you don't. Yep, perfect. I can definitely work with that. And Reed? It's stretching time. It's stretching time! Yeah, I think I can work with this. It's all very solid.

We'll get some action figures happening, maybe. Everyone will love you guys. People will be like, X who? And I think Reed can finally replace Professor X. People might start calling him Professor R and I feel like that's what he needs. It's stretching time! He does need that validation for his doctorate.

I'm glad that you didn't make it into space, Sue. It seems like that these three boys just really need to sit down and just really think about... Flame on! Yes, sweetie, it's definitely a flame on time. Maybe we should add in that gum tree for a bit more. Dear gum tree, we're looking for another fantastic three. Preferable with flame powers, punching powers, and stretchy powers.

Must be super smart. Actually, I'm going to forget to replace... No catchphrases! Let's just replace Reed with Namor. That'd be alright for me. Oh, Sue, stop it. Anyway, so yeah, I think that's... I think we're sorted. That's all the Fantastic Four needed. They needed

Joel Dusha, Fantastic Five. Joel Dusha presents the Fantastic Five. Still thinking of the Fantastic Four, though. You're not part of... Okay, well, Joel Dusha presents the Fantastic Four. Which is also good, because, like, Amani wasn't going to be part of the whole team, and I guess the consultancy...

You were just awful. Why was I even part of the team? What was I offering? You were just a bad idea. Who do we think would be chosen? I reckon a combination between a publicist, which is a very good idea, and I think the Fantastic Four definitely could use a publicist.

Could you imagine Spider-Man with a publicist? Oh, my God. Somebody to defend him. Like in the public image. That'd be real good for him. Spider-Man would have like 80% less assholes in the public system. So if someone is there, like, you know, introducing the Fantastic Four to like, you know,

the public sphere being like, these guys saved the world again. These are great. Yes, while they're a little bit touched at the moment, usually they're very, very, very... It's scratching time. Yes, it sure is, Reed. Flame on! Oh, there they go, their classic kind of race. It's clobbering time. Yes, it sure is, Reed. Flame on! Oh, there they go, their classic catchphrase.

It's clobbering time. If you go to their local comic book stores now and purchase a talking action figure, you're going to get this. Thank God they're only saying their catchphrase, because then you need to record. Joe Dusha presents a Fantastic Four and their Manny. Yeah, because honestly, like,

with Reed, Ben, and Storm acting like that, so we've been in a... They need a publicist. And it's the big baby version of them. They're going to need a Manny. They are, they are. I think the two of you win this one, and I end up in the do it.

Yep. Hope everyone had a good time listening to that and on that note i've been joel ducha super publicist slash the face slash the charm i've been jackson bailey murder consultant and i've been jules hammett super manny flame on There's Galactus looking hungry And old Doctor Doom is near Here come the Skrulls invading Do you run and hide in fear? No way, no way, no way

Just call for more Fantastic Four That's all, no more Now that's grammatical Richard's is the last day Soon get made from sight Johnny and the Unitors The thing just loves to fight

Call for more Fantastic Four Fantastic Four And now, episode 2 of The Plumbing Boys Play slash Ruin Sunless Citadel, a D&D exclusive for all Hero and King subscribers. Sunless Citadel, a D&D exclusive for all Hero and King subscribers. Welcome to episode two of the Plumbing Boys play slash ruin Sunless Citadel. Previously. The three of you are in a town known as Oakhurst. You are currently in the Old Boar Inn.

I am a half-out bard. I am very good for alignment. I'm male. I have very tired eyes. I'm a little bit average height, hefty, and I have heavy hair. My name's Jackson Bailey. My alignment is neutral evil. I'm a bard. Oh yeah, I'm portly. I'm average height. And I've got shifty eyes and medium hair. And I'm also a forest gnome, which is good. Hi, I'm Joel Duscher, and today I'll be

playing Joel Duscher. I am a half-orc, a bard. My alignment is chaotic good. My hair is light. My eyes are soft. My height is tall. My weight is chunky. We're all around this, yeah, performing, I guess...

At the old Bore Inn. Let's talk about mead. Hey, guys, if you could make mead out of anything, what would it be? My own suicide, am I right, boys? You don't get any laughs. All right, I'm getting a... Whatever. Fuck this crowd.

All three of you notice when the doors to the tavern open, a very well-to-do looking lady steps in. Maybe like in her 60s. Oh, that age. She reaches out her hand as if, like, for you to grab a kiss.

I do. Ashante. Nothing more erotic for a woman than having a man suck the ring off and then spit it back into their path. There is a place known as the Sunless Citadel. If you could travel there and retrieve from me

my children, I would pay you handsomely. Over the course of the night a lot of people come up to you guys but it's just the same thing. Everyone's just asking for this fruit. You want the fruit? A lot of people are very teary and sad.

How many autographs did we sign? Autographs? None. You want the fruit? Love the fruit. A lot of people are very teary and sad. Yeah, it's so... How many autographs did we sign? Autographs? None. Not even one? How many tunics do we sell? Embroidered with I don't know what. None as usual. Yeah, we should get into music.

Like a beholder's head With like stars You know that classic Star Wars poster But with like beholders I should have done a lap to see if there was any fans Before we went on stage There's never any fans Are we going to go in the morning fellas? What's the goal?

How far away is this? Can we get a map? Yaron Garan fellas or what's the good how far away is this yeah how far away is it can we get a map Jaren Jaren Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen

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Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen

Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen

Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen Garen built. Another new road? Yeah, what then? Maybe we'll have to name them. Well, yep. Put me in my place, guarantee. Are you naming roads? Perhaps we could come up to an arrangement. Fuck this goblin shit. So anyway, if you find the old road, it's

near town. You just need to head down it for not very long. It's not even a day's travel. Barely like a couple hours walk. Cool. You'll come across like a ravine, a crevice. Down in there is the Sunless Citadel itself. Sweet. Since I'm a very logical person, I want to have written down

like a charter of like who needs what fruit and what they're willing to pay for said fruit. Okay. You have that. Let's just have an order. Feel free to write that down in your inventory. All right. So fruit order.

Do we want to go to night then? May as well. Like it's only eight. Why not? We're sort of night owls. So like if we head off now, we get there by morning, sleep away most of the day, go in the end of that evening. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right. We'll leave the tavern. Is there a horse around? Excuse me? Just like in the town. A horse. Hies all those. We'll leave the tavern. Is there a horse around? Excuse me? Not just like in the town. A horse. Hies all those. Hitched anywhere?

Hies. We still need a horse. I might. Hies? Yeah. There are two horses hitched outside the tavern. I'm little. Do you want to grab?

Yeah. Can I just poke my head in? Whose horse is this? What are you doing? Sam, what are you doing? It's fine. Dude, get the fuck back out of the bar. Sorry.

One of the farmers wanders over. I be my horse. Oh, it's a lovely horse. It's a lovely horse. We're going to, as you heard, we're going to Sumner Citadel. Do you mind if we borrow your horses? Sure. Five copper?

Yeah, sure, mate. I could have done this for free. Make sure you bring it back. We'll do our best. There you go, yeah. Well done. I promise we'll do our best. Well, you're not taking it into the Sunless Citadel.

Of course not. It's not going to be anything. Look at my boys. I shake my leg. I don't know. I've got no idea, man. Walking some horse down some steps, I guess. Yeah.

Or off a cliff. We'll jump on the horses. I'll hop in front of one of these guys. Yeah. Probably douche. Nah, he's half-aw Or off a cliff. We'll jump on the horses. I'll hop in front of one of these guys. Yeah. Probably Dusha. Nah, he's half-orc. Probably me.

Probably you. And we'll... Lost to myself. Begin riding towards the Sunless Citadel. He says. What are the horses' names? Well, we'll name them.

Toodles? No. No, no, no. Toodles and Rickshaw. Shotgun Rickshaw. Have fun on Toodles, dickheads.

We will. You don't know he's inferior because he's got a weird name. No, but Rickshaw's got a bad one. Toodles has three bum legs. Damn it, Toodles. How is it walking? It's got one really good leg. Take five copper, whatever.

Yeah, but that's like a meal. Yeah, but that's like a meal. Yeah, but it's like one meal. We could have taken them, and then if they're like, oh, you took our horses, we're like, yeah, but we got the fruit, and then everyone would have been like, oh, well, fair. If you didn't bring back fruit, though. Well, if we didn't bring back fruit, we're dead anyway. So we're like, yes.

Whatever, man. That's all I'm saying. The two scenarios you envision are coming back with fruit Or dying There's literally nothing else they can have There's no middle ground Sure hope this fruit grows in summer We gotta just Oh yeah

But we gotta you know We're trying to build a reputation here Hey have you heard of these fixing the stars of war They'll come to your tavern steal your horse That's not the brand I want to make That's only if we come back with no fruit If we come back with fruit they're like oh did you hear of these, you know, fixing the stars of war, like they'll come to your tavern, steal your horse. That's not the brand I want to make. That's only if we come back with no fruit. If we come back with fruit, they're like, oh, did you hear about these fellas fixing the stars of war?

They stole our horses, but they got us the fruit. Made us laugh. They told us that goblins are worse than everyone else. One of them was a goblin. No, he was a gnome. Whoops. Anyway, we'll just agree to disagree. I'm just saying, like,

it just would have caused a bit more hassle than it's worth. What's on brand? I'd like to imagine at this point I'm like 30 minutes down the path on a rickshaw with four great legs. I'm trying to imagine a horse walking with one good leg and it is very difficult.

Just one clop, three drags. One clip, clip. It's more shuffling than anything else. Look, if it makes you any better, we can steal from someone we're not performing or the last night. If it's the last night we're here, we're coming back. Whatever. Let's agree to disagree. You know what?

Shout out to that fella for giving us toodles and rickshaw for five copper. He doesn't know who we are. We could have just bought ashaw for five copper. He doesn't know who we are. We could have just bought a horse for five copper. That's true. Sell a horse. Eat a horse. I mean, we could just, like, fuck this nonsense.

Sell a horse. Go down the new road. Where's that go? Take a chance to scoot the mystery road. Why not? But if we get this signet ring of these kids and we make these apples, and if we can grow these apples, we can start a nice little tidy profit. And that's one more, you know, avenue stream of- Make a cider.

Yeah, make a cider. Yeah, start a flat. Guys, little side business. Yeah. Little side business, make a cider, cue some lads. It's an idea. People think we're good, and that's great. People like that.

That's going to get us money. People idea. People think we're good. And that's great. People like that. That's going to get us money. People often don't think we are good. Yeah. But if we're like, oh, look, they at least cued some people, then we can at least get some like, hey, it's fine. No, I'm with you. It's good. Maybe start one of them charities, you know?

Yeah. Yeah. As you guys are having this conversation, going along the... You did go along the old road or did you take that option of... No, no. We took the old road. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As you guys are heading along the old road,

you hear from the surrounding foliage something like wind blowing through it, even though it's a very still night. And you hear the sound of dry leaves as if they were shuffling. All three of you, fortunately, have dark vision. So, none of you need a light. You can still see up to like 60 feet in black and white,

in pitch black. But if you have a light, you can see further. Can the horses see? Good point. Someone has a light. Which one of you? I can do that in front because me and Jack are talking business and shop at the back. Yeah.

I believe you have the light spell. We have candles. You have candles. We all have candles. You all have the same thing. I know. We all, yeah. If you have the cantrip light.

Oh, yeah. I would just put it on like the face of the horse. All right. Three of you are bobbing lights in the darkness. Oh, that's great. What? No, the horse's face. Not my face. As the darkness. Oh, that's great. What? No, the horse's face, not my face. As you move.

Oh, there's only two horses. Sorry, the two horses are bobbing lights in the darkness. Super good. That's great. Glowy horse head. Glowyhorsehead.com. Hot pics. You don't see anything, so it's immediately a surprise when...

That's all right. Anyway, so it isn't money streams. When two creatures jump out of the darkness at you... Uh-oh. They jump out such that they block the horse's progression forwards. They... Well, I've just shown you the picture. So they basically look like an ant

Yeah But more of a person Oh gosh They look heaps like What are the fucking fellas from goddamn Skyrim? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah Like buzz men Yeah

Women Yeah They're like ladies Spriggan Yeah In fucking Game of Thrones You know like the Children of Light But if they were all just twigs

They look kind of little It looks like Ant-Man Like Ant-Man's costume but made out of branches Like if Ant-Man and Groot fucked Yeah It looks like an evil Groot Shit Oh yeah

Friends So how does fifth ed magic work? I can cast as many cantrips as I want Cantrips as many times a day as you want You only get two first level spells a day though Gotcha Alright Make sense?

Yep I thought you were about to ask a question Jack So the two tiny little tree creatures Charge and try to bring down the front horse, which would be Douche's horse. My horse. Not Rickshaw. One of them leaps at the horse and Rickshaw rears backwards, preventing it from getting a hit. But the other one slashes at your horse's belly, dealing two points of damage.

Sorry, mate. To me or my horse? To the horse How much HP does a horse have? Enough How much HP does a horse have? Enough to get by Surely more than two

Horses are tough as, probably tougher than us I was thinking, we let the horses tank the fight We let the horses fight the twig bites And we just fuck off. I mean, toodles is done for, but we can say doodles to toodles. Rickshaw will meet up with us later. Once he's defeated

the twig bites. Horses eat apples and apples grow on trees. We're bards. If we just write the tale of this particular... How much HP does a horse have? I thought that's what you're working out. No, no, no. You don't know how much hit points a horse has.

It cuts into the horse. The horse doesn't scream, obviously. Horses can't scream, but it whinnies in pain. What does vicious mockery do? Vicious mockery is like an insult, but very powerful. Is that one of your spells? It's got to be highlighted. It's a cantrip.

Oh, it's a cantrip? Oh, yeah. It deals a small amount of damage. It's like an insult, but so powerful that it literally could kill someone. You're like a shit tree. You're like basically a sapling. I think as a general rule with this spell,

what I've always done is if you actually do an insult and it makes me laugh, let you do hot double damage what does true strike mean is that just like true strike means you get advantage on your next attack gotcha so yeah do sure what would you like to do i'm just gonna fucking look the twig blight right in the eyes starting off good and then just clobbered over the fucking head with my great club. All right. For the

best. You swing downwards with your great club. The twig blight, though, because you're on the back of the horse, a horse that is rearing backwards, you're very high. The twig creature is but small it is very very small it's about the height of like a like a melody so like a medium-sized dog height so when you swing downwards you actually just

like malady on all fours and malady if we prop her up on a high melody on all fours all right that is a little creature yeah when you swing, you can't get low enough to hit it, and your attack misses. Should have just called it a con. Samit, it's your turn. Can I, like, try and cause a campfire out of them and use them as sapphic kindling? Can I set them on fire?

That was your question. I guess. With, like, a flint and steel. Do you have flint and steel? I assumed we did. I don't think you do, actually. We have candles. How are we lighting our candles?

I don't know. God is good. I just assumed we had flint and steel. All right, then. Never mind. Also, you probably just couldn't have. You can't set fire to an intended object. And they are nothing to an attended object.

And they are nothing if not attended objects. No, that makes sense. I will do vicious mockery. Yeah, all right. I was like, look, tiny buses. You can't even string together a sentence for this to make any... Shut up. And then I, yeah. Got him good.

That's what a line. Am I in the room with insult the comic dog? That would have done double damage. We're a duo. Doesn't count. Damn.

Damn. Damn. What are they? Look at you, tiny little tree branch of a... You had your chance. I got nothing. Yep. The twig blight...

I wouldn't fuck you with bootstick. The creature recoils in pain. You've done damage to it. You do two points of psychic damage to the creature. Psychically damage them to death. That's the plan here. They redouble their efforts and try to attack...

What horse are you riding again, Dushar? He's Rickshaw. He's a good one. He's the good horse. One of them just can't fucking hit Rickshaw. It's like just screwing about on the ground Slashing wildly Like on all fours

Like it's trying to roll off its back The other one however scores another hit Rickshaw takes another three points of damage I'm not gonna lie I'm worried about Rickshaw We can't let Rickshaw die Rickshaw I have decided is the hero of this story I later want to be in a bar being like Gather ye children for a tale of old We can't let Rickshaw die. Rickshaw, I have decided, is the hero of this story.

I later want to be in a bar being like, Gather ye children for a tale of old. Rickshaw. About a horse named Rickshaw, so brave and so bold. I cast sleep on one of the little tree dickheads. Bzzap! Go to bed. Go to bed, dickheads. Blamam i'm quite vocal in my spell casting i like this because on these particular spell sheets that you've given us adam it tells us whether it's verbal semantic or

m material material which uh sleep is only oh no it's all three so verbally i've got to be like go to sleep dickheads semantically i've got to be like, go to sleep, dickheads. Semantically, I've got to point at them. And material is... I have to hold like a feather of a duck. A feather of a duck and like an egg or something in my hand, squish it up. You lay a blanket of magical sleep

over both of the creatures. One of them topples over backwards. The other one stays standing. Okay. Then it is Douche's turn again. If I get off of the horse, is that my turn? No, but the

twig creature standing up will get a free attack on you if you do. So, biotic inspiration, is that a bonus or is that an action? That's a bonus action. So you can do it and then attack and stuff. I look at the... I'm already enjoying this.

I look at the twig blight that has taken two swings at my horse and is now asleep. And I say, nice hit, dickhead. I've taken pisses bigger than you. Double damage. That's good.

I think he's asleep, so he's just having bad dreams now Oh you're doing it to the sleeping one? No he's neither one There's one asleep and one awake Who's the one that The one awake is the one that keeps Cutting your horse

Yeah so I'm mocking the asleep one The asleep one? Alright So he's gonna have a bad dream Eight points of damage The twig creature crumbles Into sticks and leaves. We're going to collect them.

That'll be our firework. Yeah, done. Then it's Sam's turn. I'm going to be just like bardic inspiration. Like, fuck, I'm great. And hurl my javelin at that. Oh, you can't do it to yourself. Oh, man.

You can only do it to someone else. What's the point of being a bard then? I know. It's all about helping each other, which we're not really about. So I don't know how this party's going to survive. Alright, bardic inspiration. Jack, you're alright. You know, you've always been my favorite member of this.

I'm pretty good. Fuck you. That means that Jackson, who only has one bardic inspiration a day, that doesn't fuck him, it fucks you guys. That's very funny. Which is so apt for the relationship you all have. Anyway. And I hurl my javelin at the remaining twig blight. You hit him dead center with your javelin.

Good. Dealing five points of damage. That twig creature also. Your javelin just breaks it apart. Excellent. They're dead. On your character sheets, we're going to do something we've never done before. I want you both to write 10 experience points.

What? It's to the, like, left of the center. Fuck off. It should say experience. 10. I don't see. Huh. I do see.

Next level. Next level. Do we write 10 because we're going to erase it when we get more experience or is like 10 plus uh yeah it'll slowly get higher and higher so write it in pencil not pen uh i'm gonna pick up my javelin and tattooed on me is that okay on you yeah that's fine it's not on the character sheet at some point in the future someone you uh you're hanging out with is going to be like, why do you have 10 tattooed on your cheek?

And you're going to be like, oh, it was important at the time. It's fine. We'll collect those twigs and leaves, put them in a sack or whatever, use them for our firewood. Someone can add kindling to their character sheet. I'll chuck it in. Kindling. How long does that biting inspiration last?

Ten minutes. Ten minutes. I want to do something real good before that ten minutes is up. I'm a horse. I try and jump from our horse to Rickshaw. Check this shit out. You fall, break your neck, dead. From riding on the back of, what was it? Toodles. Toodles. From riding on the back of What was it?

Toodles Toodles From riding on the back of Toodles You get to a standing position You jump onto Zammett's shoulders And off Zammett's shoulders Onto Rickshaw Right behind Dusha

In a single deft move Do you guys see that shit? Amazing That shit was fucking That was I think I said that shit was fucking cake That's a good I might start doing That was fucking fucking... That was... I think I said that shit was fucking cake. That's a good... I might start doing...

That was fucking cake. Shit, that was cake. Do you guys think that'll catch on as like a thing? I think so. I reckon we could... If you guys start saying it, it will. So you've got to back me up on this and, you know... So this shit is cake?

This shit is cake. Everyone write it down. I'm slowly writing this. And then if someone asks why you're calling it cake, you say, like, peace off. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I'm slowly writing in my notes, like notes a song about Rickshaw the horse.

You reckon you can do that again? Jump back. Yeah. Is the box in for inspiration? That's a one-off. Yeah. I reckon you can do it again. I'll get hurt.

Do it again. No. Sit down. Come on. We can do something with this, Jack. You're not the boss of me. I am the boss of you. Sam is the boss of your little organization.

Jackson's always like, this shit is cake, but it turns out he, in fact, is not. Oh my god. He's pissed. Barney Gaspration, do it again. Alright, I'll jump. I'll give another jump. Like, fuck, that was awesome, do it again. Ba-da-da-da-da-ding.

You get up, take a deep breath, run off the back of the horse. Run off the back of the horse? He's a gnome. He's got a couple steps. Little gnome legs. I forgot. You leap, and this time maybe you try to give it like a somersault, and as you give it a somersault, the back

of your head collides with Tootles more, and you slam into Toodle's head, roll off, and hit the ground. You take five points of damage. That'd have been really cool. Toodle's head's all lit up.

So if we're on a tree, there might have just been a gnome imprint. Like the bat signal. I have like six health points left after that. Yep. Yeah, okay. It didn't work the second time. Maybe have like six health points left after that. Yep. Yeah, okay. Yeah, it didn't work the second time. Maybe we don't incorporate that into our...

You just hear from the distance, oh, shit, it was cake. That was fucking cake, bro. That was very cake. From the distance? Is someone yelling that out of the forest? That was cake, bro. Dusha, you're only a little bit in front of them.

Whatever, I'll climb back onto the horse nursing my wounds Bleeding out of your head Good one Nicely done That's very funny That's good That shit was cake The old road passes to the east

of a narrow ravine, which you have been told is where the sunless citadel can be found. At the road's closest approach to the cleft, several broken pillars jut out from the earth where the ravine widens and opens into something more akin to a deep but narrow canyon. Two of the pillars stand straight, but most of them lean against the sloped earth others are broken and several have apparently fallen into the darkness shrouded depths a few

similar pillars are visible on the opposite side of the ravine looks like this is where a ladder maybe once was okay does it seem like if we try and climb down we'll just like eat shit in your professional opinion, DM, how much shit are we likely to eat? You actually see, when you get close enough to these little pillars, you can see that someone has tied rope around the pillars and has lowered them

into the ravine. Lowered the pillars? Yeah, there's pillars sticking out of the ground. Lowered the pillars into the ravine? No, there's rope tied around the pillars which has been lowered into the ravine. Also, no, no. There's rope tied around the pillars which has been lowered into the ravine. Also, when you get close enough to see the rope, you see that there's tiny little etchings

carved into the pillars, if any of you care to inspect them. I have a bit of a squiz. I'm going to spit down the ravine and see how deep it is. I'm guessing, if this was real life, you're spitting, I'm reading the signs, Jackson's already ahead. True, I'm climbing the rope.

I really love Dusha spitting in the ravine because that's not going to tell you shit. Like, the idea of you just going up and then we're like, how deep is it? You shrug, like, I don't know. Listen, listen. I'm trying to decide. Jackson is absolutely correct. Between the fact that he's berating you currently and the fact that it is just hard to hear spit normally. That's not going to help.

What do you think you're going to hear? Spit. You're going to hear, and you're going to be like, now I know how many feet it is down there. Or maybe there was water down there or something. Do you know the difference between spit hitting dirt and spit hitting water? Do you?

No, you don't. Climbing down the rope, you don't know shit about spit. Climbing down the rope, you fucking die. Teach you to fucking talk shit. Cut the rope, grab it. What was I again? What was I again? You talking shit, Jackson?

You looking to die today? Maybe it's my destiny to fucking kill you, mate. Maybe it wasn't an angel after all, it was the fucking devil. Jackson, you begin climbing the rope down. Zamit, you look at the inscriptions and they're in Goblin. Don't climb the rope. I do read Goblin. I believe, as the academics call it, Gobbo.

No, incorrect. That's what racists call it. That's why you're no longer an academic. That's why you are a gobble. Yeah. No. Incorrect. That's what racists call it. That's why you're no longer an academic. That's why you are a disgraced. Like in real life, you are kicked out for being racist for goblins. Yes. Apparently they prefer the term dwarfs. I'm thinking in real life, Andy.

Anyway. You begin climbing down Jackson Dushu you can't hear your spit Zahmed In Goblin the written on the pillars Is just like graffiti Basically nothing of importance Something about like you know Different Goblin tribes being like

We was here sort of shit. I carve in, I also was here in Gobbo. Okay. Goblin. That's what I said. No, it isn't. Why would you think that? Oh, I know why.

Because you think you're being funny. You're not. You've never been funny. Some barbs coming out right here. I'd be getting double damage. Okay. So, you guys just going to watch Jackson descend into the darkness? Absolutely.

In a minute. I'll follow it a sec. After those rude words. I'm kind of hoping he falls. Jackson continues to make his way down. You guys not coming? He'll be there in a sec. I got some really important business to attend to.

I might need to piss. Don't piss. Don't piss while I'm climbing down. If you piss while I'm climbing down, we're not friends anymore. Don't be pissing on Jack. Don't piss on me. Again, that's funny because you'd slide off the rope

and maybe die. Eventually, Jackson disappears into the darkness and you can't see him anymore. You just don't piss on me. Again, that's funny because you'd slide off the rope and maybe die. Eventually, Jackson disappears into the darkness and you can't see him anymore. You just don't piss on me. Kneeling down, don't piss. I just want to spit down the rope. God damn. Am I faster than Zamit's spit? Of course not.

Jackson, you get hit in the face with what you think could be rain. Are you pissing? No, it's rain I want to slide down the rest of the rope It's knotted rope, you can't slide It's not piss, we spat Oh, okay That's not okay Give Dusha a high five

And start climbing down Road dicks We found out how deep it was From our spit. We heard a dickhead yell. Alright, uh, Doucher, they're both down and they're way into the darkness. Would you like to follow? Yeah.

Wait. No. Tug on the rope just to make sure that it's like sturdy enough to hold all three of us. We are portly, chunky, and... Hefty. Hefty. It feels very fixed into place.

Okay, yeah, then I claim it. That was a misdirection by the DM. We all break and die. Oh, if only. Rude. All three of you managed to make it to the bottom. All right. Nate, what's down there?

The goods? Look, a map! Portrus level. A sandy ledge overlooks a subterranean gulf of darkness to the west. The ledge is wide enough but rough. Sand, rocky debris, and other bones of small animals cover it. A roughly hewn stairwell zigs and zags down the side of the ledge, descending into darkness.

Probably with your darkvision, in the darkness, you guys can make out the looming spires of some sort of castle. You can't see it properly, just the top of it. It's sad that we have to leave Rickshaw behind, considering... Oh, presumably they've all been hitched up on the surface. I'd like to think we get down there and are like, hmm, should have brought our horses. Whoops. I don't know how to bring a horse

down a rope, but I feel like we should have. Did we hitch them? I didn't. I didn't. I was too busy spitting. See, if we'd just stolen them, then this wouldn't be a worry. But now we're like, oh no, the horses. If we'd stolen them, we'd be like, we're already in the fucking stink,

whatever. So, I haven't given you guys, you know, names on this little map that we're looking at. Oh, and incidentally, if you're playing along at home, feel free to, like, grab a map of the Sunless Citadel and play along with us. This top one... Ah, shit. Hang on.

There's, like, a thing I can do where I can show you... The top one. The top one is Dusha. The middle one is Dusha. The middle one is Zamet. And the bottom one is Jackson. Oh, okay. Gotcha. Cool.

That's us. I'm just going to go back up and tie up the horses. I go back up, Adam. Okay. And hitch them horses. Are they still there? I assume you hitched them before you went down. We did.

We did. I hope you fall. You get back up to the top. Highs or lows? Highs. Those horses are gone. Shit. It's dark.

You don't know where they are. Wait, hang on. They're glowing faces. Oh, yeah, true. You probably see two bobbing lights in the distance. I'm like, oi, rickshaw. It's dark You don't know Wait hang on They're glowing faces Oh yeah true You probably see two Bobbing lights in the distance Like oi Rickshaw

Oh yeah that's right They come when called Horses right It's a classic horse move Come back You gotta do this one Come on You know that one

You know that one Shit Hey salmon Yeah Are the horses there No Where are they They're

Hank I'll be back in a sec Get them Oh my fucking god Without too much effort Are the horses there? No Where are they? I'll be back in a sec Without too much effort You're able to go get the horses You dickhead Costs guys, costs We could have stolen them That's what I'm thinking Look, I wasn't team stealing them

But now I am Now fucking dickhead Zammett's fucked off Do you want to just go down? Me and you should keep descending we would just walk down the stairs yeah whatever he'll catch up oh i don't like what we just saw on the little map there are now three balls well that was a weird laugh. That was. Out of the rubble and darkness, three giant rats appear. Oh, God. That's all right. Rats are my strength.

I was arguing about eating rats earlier this morning. So time to put your bloody money where your mouth is, mate, and eat a rat. It's a giant rat. That doesn't look that big. How big is giant? About the size of a dog. I can't eat that much. I'll club a dog. Like, I big is giant about the size of a dog i can't eat that much i'll club a dog like i could eat it right the size of a dog like because the conversation

before was jack would be in like if you someone ordered you rat would you eat at a restaurant and i was like not really because like kind of gross but jackson was like if i bought you a rat i'd be offended if you didn't eat it and then we were like jackson you would never buy us food and then he was like true yeah so i don't know like a rat i beat the conversation a rat the size of a dog because then it's like i can kind of be like i guess they're a meat but a rat the size of the dog pretty much is a dog what about the dog the size of a rat would you eat that anyway the three rats dart towards you to try to fight it you do sure take my arms i don don't need them. They give it their goddamn best. Two of them bite you.

I just want to remind you guys that I am on six hit points because you made me jump between horses. But you should take three points of damage from one and five points from another. Eight points in total. Oh, okay, cool. I'm on two. You're our healer, Jack.

Well, will I? One of them attacks you, Jackson. Am I already fairly mad You do not get bit It leaps at you but you swing wildly With just your Flail Wildly with your hands

And you fend it off luckily What awful things will happen to Jackson The party's only healer Find out next time on The Plumbing Boys play Slash Ruin Sunless Citadel. Thanks for listening. If you want to hear more of this series and a whole bunch more exclusive content, just head on over to sanspantsplus.com and join a community of like-minded dickheads today.