Plumbing the Death Star - What Could You Bring to the Power of Three? with Lena Moon

Episode Date: March 28, 2021

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Sans Pants Radio, Australia's most five-thumbed podcast network. Oh, hi there. My name is Bec Charlwood. And I'm Alex J. And we're the podcast, The Lady's Guide to Dude Cinema. And guess what? We have some shows coming up for the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Yeah, so you can see our faces and not just hear our beautiful voices.

Oh, my God, lucky you. My show is Dirty Girl at the Westin at 6.15 p.m. from the 25th of March all the way up to the 4th. And my show is called No Sorry, You Go, and it is at the Imperial Hotel from the 24th of March all the way up to the 4th of April as well at 9.30 p.m. Tickets for both of our shows are available at comedyfestival.com.au That's Alex J

and Bec Charwood. Come on down, baby. We'd love to see you there. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, what could you bring to the power of three it's a charmed expert. Yeah. Build me up.

Light it up. These are my memories of charm. Okay. This is good to get out early, so when you're inevitably like five minutes in saying wrong things, people are like, he didn't warn us. He told us all he knew. Yeah, laid on the table. I was maybe 20. Yep.

It was maybe. Why was that funny to me? Starting strong. We were starting strong. maybe 20. Yep. It was maybe. Why was that funny to me? Starting strong. We were starting strong. Maybe 20. 1 a.m. 10 years ago, it was 1 a.m. Cool, man.

Charmed is on TV. Okay. It's the episode. This is the worst No this is I feel like I really hope That this scene painting Comes back in as relevant I had to give them context

Paint me a word bitch You've done it beautifully It's 1am you're 20 You have lost a testicle Okay so that one's gone It's 1am And I'm watching Charmed. And it's the episode where one of the Charmed girls gets an evil boyfriend in her dreams. Okay, most episodes are about how they get evil boyfriends.

But I think it's really good that you remember this dream one. She's in the bath. And she has a dream about the evil monster boyfriend. Okay, so he's, I believe in this one. Oh, no. Okay, yeah. There is a dream demon. Okay.

And there's another bath one that I'm thinking of. There's a couple of bath demons. There's a couple of bath ones. Do you remember which sister it was? No. It might have been a redhead. Well, that's... Hmm.

Okay. Okay. Yeah, it's interesting because I do just... I don't want to say you're wrong. Yeah. But most of the Charmed sisters, if not all of them, have red... Not red hair, have brown hair.

But Paige does get red hair at one point. It might have been that. But I'm not sure if this is a series or just promo photos. I was very scared. Okay, okay, okay. Also, this is a trauma. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was really frightening.

I remember being like, oh, no, I'm wigged out by this. I've got to stay up. I've got to watch something light or whatever, and I don't know why. I think it was because it kind of had that 90s kind of energy. You know when something from the 90s is scary? Yes. I actually fully know what you mean. There's like a sort of unpleasantness to old,

especially old makeup and old CGI. Anyway. I have like an actual issue. I can't do like the prosthetic, like the Buffy vampire prosthetics, all that stuff. It just, my brain, it stresses me out. For sure.

I have that with, I think it's come up on the show before, but like when the Max Headroom TV hacking thing happened in the late 80s, and it's just like normal 80s aesthetic, but it came on when it wasn't meant to, and it was a hack. It is so unpleasant to watch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's something really upsetting about that,

or something else I hate is like stop motion monsters. There's something really upsetting about that. Or something else I hate is like stop motion monsters. There's something real bad about the way they jitterily walk. Like Pengu. Newt, Newt. Yeah, Newt, Newt. And that other one about those little fuckers that are like creepy crawlies underneath the trap door. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a trap door.

Yeah, trap door. That would be the fuck out. You can't do plasticine at a moment. No! I can't do like a full-on horrible spider with a human head. Whatever, that's fun. Whatever. Fucking poo.

New poo. I hate it. It makes me uncove. My skin starts crawling. What about gogs or whatever? That really unpleasant caveman one. That's the full-on one. I really like gogs.

The kid has snot the whole time. Big bobble. I feel like that is your entire personality. I am human Gogs. But yeah, so that's my knowledge of Charmed. Okay. Thank you. I'm sorry to derail things.

No, that's okay. We got to get it out because my knowledge of Charmed is I think there's an angel. Okay. His name is maybe Leo. You're doing much better than that. He can freeze time. White light off. And he's dating Prue. And his dating proof.

And they're so close. He fumbles it at the finish line. I just know there's a reference because she freezes him and they fucking, when he's frozen, there's a moment. That is a mention. There is a mention. I remember that one. It's actually Piper that Leo is with,

and that is the relationship that we're supposed to pretty much just like hang our hat on. Yeah, well, she freezes him. Fuck it. That's good. Yeah, it's so funny that you remember that because it like lightly comes up. It's like of all the things that you can remember. Because I watched that episode again recently,

and it literally is just she just mentions it. Yeah, and he's like, hey, when I do this in my, when we do this, yeah, that's cool when we do it, but don't bring it up. Yeah, but it's honestly, I'm just awestruck because it's like a two second reference and you couldn't even remember Prue.

There's Prue Piper Page and then there's Phoebe, I don't know the P name I was going to say. Is there another one? No, that's Phoebe. It wasn't a P name. I was going to say Priscilla. Is there another one? No, that's the Ps. Not Ed McMahon. Dylan Moran. Okay, so what's cool is we actually talked about this for about two seconds

before we came in, and I gave you guys all of this information. I just forgot it. Australian boy, he was Victor Von Doom. Julian McMahon. There we go. Julian McMahon. Julian McMahon. There we go. Julian McMahon. Julian McMahon. And do we remember which demon he played?

Balthasar. There we go. Also, he's a nip-tuck, right? Yeah. Yes. Another reference for everyone out there. All the nip-tuck heads. Yeah.

All the tucks. Yes. Duckos. Now, does the grandma ever appear and then die? Or am I getting that confused with true blood? No, no, you're close. It being a supernatural show, they can talk to their grandma later on. They can't do it straight away because the actual setup of the whole series,

are you ready? This is the pilot. Their grandmother dies and it's been about six months and they've all kind of come been back together because of that event and they find a ouija board and unlock their powers okay and now there's a lot of discussion that comes out you find out later they didn't have their powers their whole life because their powers got bound by their grandmother because they weren't ready to have them great power comes great responsibility and they were not responsible And they were not ready

They weren't bonded enough Until grandmama dies Yeah, pretty much So does that mean we're assuming Given that we're joining the power of three Making it the power of four Or the power of Well, it's probably the same thing

Well, because Prue dies Yes, so it becomes Really if you do the math And I'm not going to get into family politics But like Paige is technically only a half sister Really, if you do the math, and I'm not going to get into family politics, but like Paige is technically only a half-sister, which they harp on about the power of three a lot, and then all of a sudden one of them is unfortunately killed because she was too difficult to work with.

Like in real family. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. And her and Alyssa Milano had beef, so they killed the best character from the show. I knew about the beef somehow. Well, because this is the time where Hollywood really enjoyed perpetuating these stories, even though I'm pretty sure it was just they were probably just having all the women,

probably just having a really bad time. And so, yeah, they kill off Prue, which was just devastating, and then they meet Paige, their half-sister, who is born of the white lighter father that she has, who their mum was in love with and left them, the real dad of the three. So there's like Prue, Piper, Phoebe, their dad's immortal. He could never accept that their mum was a witch. Pru Piper, Phoebe, their dad's immortal.

He could never accept that their mum was a witch. Meanwhile, she's boning the White Lighter, who's Paige's father. A White Lighter is an angel. He's an angel, yes. But they work with people who have the potential to change and do good in the world and protect them. Because Leo is kind of like their guide at first, right? Yes. It's a bit cheeky, actually, because when you

meet him, he's just the handyman. Yeah, but then him and Piper fall in love. Okay, well, speaking of handymen, I guess what I could bring to this is, does Leo need a fluffer? Yeah, you really, really, like, I feel

like they've made that porn. They have made that porn Where she freezes him You can watch it It's crazy to imagine being a fluffer For somebody not in the porn You need a fluffer to maintain an erection But it's great if you're like

I'm just here to keep you hard In your everyday life Your wife's nearly home It's only about half an hour to kill And I know she's going to get in the mood I don't like your fluffing technique It's very low I'm coming, you look. We've got about half an hour to kill. I know she's going to get in the mood when she gets it. I don't like your flopping technique. It's very like low and on a weird angle.

He's sitting down while he's doing it. Because you're at work. So two things. First of all, I just want to say great. Yeah. Great pitch. Great. Bringing that to the power of the three.

I know we need someone. I have a lot of stamina. If I could just give you some constructive criticism. One, that is your sister's husband. Two, Viagra killed the industry. It really did, didn't it? How three is that? It's not supernatural at all.

Giving someone a hand job, not a power. And if it was, boy, I would be powerful. You and me both. Yeah, but interesting take. It is something they don't have. Well, yeah. One must admit. Or need, maybe.

Well, she does freeze him to then fuck him, so really. It's amazing to me that this keeps coming up. There's so much. The whole show, I think it's, you know, everyone's always talked about it as like it is a show about witches, but it's really a show about sisters. And you're like, but she freezes his dick. The whole body, really.

Which I love because, like because he gets frozen in time. They presumably fuck for who knows how long. She's done, unfreezes it. For him, it's like a split second. Which is great! He's a human sibium. So maybe, Lena, you'll be a great hand in this.

Because after Zammett's bravely pitched before we went through what powers his sisters have. Oh yeah, what powers they have.. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What powers do they have? Oh, yeah. Okay, cool, cool, cool. So one freezes time, we've established this. We've really, really established that.

One is psychic. One is psychic. So, yes. So the original three that we meet, Prue can move things with her mind, but she can also astral project, and that eventually, basically what happens is they're clearly running out of story as writers in the series, so they start to make their powers more powerful.

Prue can eventually astral project, but she can also, like, do things when she's actual because she's, like, really strong. She can, like, pick things up and things like that. Piper can freeze time and then eventually she can explode things. And I think the way that they explain that is she can speed time up so much in that item that it explodes. You know when a thing ages too quickly? You know how entropy is that everything is always tending towards exploding?

Yeah, absolutely. It's like when I leave kale in the crisper for too long. I'm just like healthy. I try to look after myself. Healthy but lazy. Healthy but lazy, yeah, kale. Yeah. In the crisper for too long. I'm just like healthy. I'm trying to look after myself. Healthy but lazy. Healthy but lazy, yeah, because I don't eat it. But if I leave it in the crisper too long, it just explodes. It blows a hole in the fridge.

Yeah, I know. Man, I should really wash my clothes before that whole laundry basket is just obliterated. Yeah. Yeah. But so that's, I think, I think from memory, that's how they, yeah, that's how they do that. But so that's, I think, I think from memory, that's how they, yeah, that's how they do that. And then Phoebe can, she starts by having premonitions that are like quite sexual in nature. Like they're always like, I'm getting an image of a stupid boy coming here to jerk off your husband.

She always has horny ones, but then it's more how she has them that's horny. Cause it's like, she's always like, And then it's like, Oh no, now i'm getting like one of those this is bad because now i'm getting one of those flashbacks to what is probably a split second very horny scene in charmed where like she's having like a premonition but also or maybe she's possessed by like a sexy ghost yeah there's like a scene where she's all of a sudden she's doing that but also in like very revealing clothing. In a show where every character is constantly wearing leather pants already.

She is definitely like, they knew. They knew how hot, they knew what they were doing. She is just so insanely hot. Like, Alyssa Milano is like, so many people's like, I had an Alyssa Milano poster. For sure. And like, she's so hot. So yeah, she did that, she does that,

and then later on she can levitate as well. I don't know. I don't exactly remember how they link that. I can see myself floating. Oh, my God. Check me out. Yeah, it's something to do with, like, brain power. Yeah, you can.

And then the fourth sister, does she have a new set or does she take the old set? She doesn't take the old set because she's part white lighter. So she ends up with, like, similar powers to Leo, but also they give her some of Prue's stuff because they were like, well, we had our story engine and we need to make this keep working. So she can orb places, but she can also, like, command things. So she can be like.

Sit, dog. Yes. Yeah, that's what I meant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. but she can also like command things so she can be like sit dog yes yeah that's what I meant yeah yeah sit ubu sit good dog sit ubu sit she's just a really amazing dog trainer

in the series holy shit I can't do that I'm mad at that yeah yeah yeah any dog I look after will bite my hand yeah yeah yeah

and I actually take it back because that is not a supernatural thing that she does so you totally have yeah yeah because I was going to say do you have any powers on top of the hand job thing will bite my hand. Yeah, and I actually take it back because that is not a supernatural thing that she does. So you totally are. Yeah, because I was going to say, do you have any powers on top of the hand job thing?

Is that just like a bonus? Was that what you came into the job house with? Or were you like, while I'm here? While I'm here, look, hey. Leo's pretty handsome. Yeah, he's handsome, man. Absolutely. Why don't you just snap off anyone in the house? Why can't I get an angel boy?

Why does she get an angel boy now it's sad I would like to come in you'd be like hey can I just join this relationship as the cuck there's nothing worse than a depressed fluffer or a sad fluffer

going on say Craigslist and being like hey we're looking for a cuck I don't want to be getting jerked off by my fluffer and they're sad and I feel like I have to be like, are you okay? It's just a job for you, man. Actually, I think I want that. I don't know. I feel like I prefer that.

I'm going through some things. I'm going to levitate over here. Okay, so you've also got levitation. Levitate, but you don't open with the levitator. They're like, can you do it in the other? Well, I can't float. I can't fly and maybe sure I can teleport. Who can't read minds?

But I guess I'll be over here sulking. If I can't jerk anyone off, what am I even doing? Well, I would like to join the charmed crew and I would like to be half witch or whatever and half whatever those toads are that when you kiss them, they become a prince. So my power is that if I'm kissed, I go from prince to toad or toad to prince.

Depending. What's interesting about that is just to pick apart everyone's No, no, no, please do. Your power relies on someone else. So you can't control it. I can't kiss myself. What about in a mirror?

What about maybe there's a certain point where there's a mirror there and you have to become either a toad or a human. Can a toad kiss? I think a toad can only be kissed. That's a good point. Does a toad have lips? No, I don't think it does. I don't think it does.

Oh, yeah. Your name's now Fallen Faxon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Faxon Fael. Yeah. Faxon Fael. Faxon Fael is the toad man. Emphasis on the fail.

Falfusa fail Fulfusa Finafurn Finafurn That sounds like a witch name All of ours just sound Fucking stupid Faxon sounds like a witch name Shut up

Shut up Faxon Yeah Do we think that I would just get kissed once Become a toad Put in the garden I honestly think that would be How that would go Or you're stuck as a man forever

Yeah well it depends Do I turn up as a Aww I want to be a... Aww. I want to be a toad. Never been kissed. That would be an unfortunate thing to develop. On your first kiss, you become a toad.

Whoever kissed you screams and runs away, and that's you fucked for the rest of your life. You would end up, like, I feel like you would end up as, like, a character, if that was your story, you would end up as, like, a character that they,, you would end up as a character that they stumble up. Because sometimes there's an episode where they accidentally happen upon something mystical that isn't trying to attack them. So there's always those lighter episodes that are like,

oh, I met a guy down by the shops. He has gills. He's a dog man. He's a dog man. They don't need to open the crack open the book of shadows of that one

they're like we should probably just help him and let him go yeah yeah exactly they're like are you a man who can become a toad

or a toad who can become a man I'm like that's a hard question to answer they're like we need to know if we gotta release you back into a town

or a pond you gotta pick which one have you been more that's like 50-50. No? Yeah. This is not going to work.

When you were born, did you have the brain and body of a man or a toad? How can you not know? Who birthed you? I'm the top one, sis. I could go either way. Can you put me in the pond for like a week and then come check on me? A heron got me. Oh, no.

So I'm presuming it's like, so we all have the same mum, and then she banged either a normal dude, right, or some kind of supernatural thing. Yeah. Well, so far it's just sounding like, because you, so far it just sounds like witch. Because you don't have, well, you can levitate. We figured that out.

And you're witch. Yeah. So at the moment there's sort of, we've got that covered. It's just kind of a sad outcome. What about like a sentient sword? Yeah. A personification of a sentient sword. Good.

I'm waiting for seeing how this relates to levitating your hand, John. I'm not sure either. But we got different dads? Is that what we're working with? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the sword would have to spawn toad eggs if it was to be a single one. Just bubbling up with the sword, you just scrape it off with a fork or whatever. Yeah, that's how you're born, which is just the most upsetting visual.

That means I come out as a toad. All right, we solved it. Put me in the lake. Put me in the lake. We figured it out. Are you imagining me as a little toad? That's the lake for me. I kind of want to see that drawn. Don't worry, but it's the lake for me.

I catch you right, everyone. I like to imagine I have a tie on, but it goes underneath my body. And it just drags in the mud as I hop about. And when I become a man, I'm nude, but for a tie, like a chippendale. I'm like, one kiss, and it was the best kiss of my life. It was so good. Someone's like, I could kiss you again. No!

I'm a toad again. Back to the light. Also, I'm worried about the people that are kissing you. Back to human. Well, that's the thing. Somebody kisses a toad and I become a man. They were kissing. They wanted a toad.

Yeah. They're like, well, if you kiss me again, I'll become a toad. And then you kiss me. It's a horrible loop, really. You're actually going around spreading trauma. That's why the lake is the best place for me. There I can eat as many flies as I want. Bottom of the.

Sit down, close my frog eyes, asleep. Nice, cool mud. Yeah. Can we, to down, close my frog eyes, asleep. Nice cool mud. Can we, to judge these additions to Charmed, can we imagine that this episode is on IMDb and what the user reviews might say? Laugh-er episode is probably a four out of ten, being like, adults only Charmed episode took a turn and didn't give me what I wanted from this kind of horny episode.

Charmed has typically been quite soft core in its eroticism. This was pretty gross. It was just a full-on hand job. One star. Leo would not do that. You do get people that would be that incensed by the idea of Leo. Yeah. How dare Leo cheat on Piper.

Yeah, good job. We got it. I like to think my M.D. is one star or five stars and it just says bad. I wish they didn't make this one. This has wrecked the rest of Charmed for me. What do you mean lake or town? This character makes no sense.

One third of the episode was dedicated to the lake or town this character makes no sense one third of the episode was dedicated to the lake or town conversation in fairness that is basically like season four onwards so it would probably spot right in yeah things get a little bit shaky after um after they introduce page in my opinion if i could be considered the turning point if people could be like when did charm get bad and they're like the frogman episode that would be good yeah it'd be really nice to be able to pick it instead of just, like, a very slow bleed of disappointment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't, like, jump in the shark.

It's like, yeah, when they got that fluffer in, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was really the beginning of the episode. A bad moment. And now a quick word from our sponsors. Hi, my name is Levens, and I'm here to tell you all about HeyFam, the only podcast on the internet featuring two white men in their mid-thirties talking about movies, music, TV, video games, and comic books. But HeyFam is about more than just pop culture. It's about friendship.

Most of all, it's about the 2005 movie Son of the Mask. You can find HeyFam at SandsPantsRadio.com, Acast, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Don't you just love cross-promotion? When did they introduce the bar? That's really early on. Yeah, really early on, yeah, because they start doing that, like, late 90s, early 2000s thing where they're just like,

oh, also there's an alternative band playing one song. It's my favourite thing in the whole world. I feel like they were doing it in Buffy and, like, and Charmed. Yeah, and the OC Buffy and like. Oh, they did. And Charmed. And the OC picks up after that. The OC, yes. And it's like really someone just wanted to own all art at the same time.

And so they just decided to do that. And also some kind of like probably some weird sponsorship deal and people holding cokes next to the band. Oh, yeah, always. So when they open a bar, season like two or three? I think it's quite early, yeah. I know that it's quite early because Piper's always wanted to be a chef and she's a chef.

I think most of season one she's a chef and then it becomes way too unmanageable for them not to be able to control the space that she works in. Unmanageable, you say? Unmanageable. So maybe do they need a manager for the both? Well, no, you're a fluffer. You can't be a ringer. You can't be a ringer.

He's a lane. That's your upgrade of powers. You come back, you're like, yeah, I'm a manager now. Yeah, I can manage. It turns out like just, you know, stroking a dick is the exact same thing as running a business. Instead of stroking a cock, I've got to stroke egos. It's really the same thing.

It turns out the – Stamina, you know. It turns out like jerking off a penis to the point where it just stays erect but doesn't get any closer to climax is exactly the same as time management. It's so easy. Like in running a business and being a fluffer, if people come around each other, you get sued. Yeah, exactly.

So you can't ever come. You need to get that level of edging. Avoiding the come. Because, again, so if I, like, stroke too hard and then things go way too out of control, the tax man comes and I owe way too much money. But if I'm not stroking hard enough, then I don't get as much income and so then I go bust and bankrupt.

So there's this lovely optimal moment of stroking a business. I have watched you air stroke a dick every single time you said fluffer. And now business. When you said business, you incorporated the second hand.

But one's fluffing and one's business. Of course. I'm a real dick, come on! Now Jackson's doing it. Philosophical leadership. It's good to imagine, and I feel like this is where your arc will eventually end when you're eventually kicked off the show,

is you'll disappear as like a book that's like stroked your way to success or something. Like one of those business gurus, and that's where we'll be. And like Piper picks up the book, looks at the cover and is like, ugh. Gross.

Yeah. And I feel like my climax is obviously like I'm crossing a road in a truck. Like in the Animals of Farthing Wood. Just got to get slaughtered by a man. Opening credits. And then they make a video game out of that experience called Frogger. I am the origin of Frogger.

If you play Frogger, you can think that was once a man. And that's how the Charm sisters get a lot of money from the royalties. Their money is from Frogger dollars. And Seinfeld does an episode about it. Yeah, exactly. Even though that was before Charm. Time is crazy. Time's complicated.

Because Piper controlled time and then went back, and it all kind of makes sense. Piper was like, give me five minutes. I'm just going to get some frogger money. I've got to fix this. I've got three words for you. Big frogger money. BFM.

Did you guys hear how long that took? Yeah. Are you even too confident? No. I had to look up at the ceiling. I had to visualize the words. I had to remember what letters were.

I had to remember speech. It's a process. Watching that all happen, the part that was probably the funniest for me was when you let out the M and then realized that it wasn't a funny acronym. You were like, oh yeah, damn. No, that's nothing.

That's really nothing. That's three letters. B F. And it sounds like it's going to be, I mean, you can go, if you're going for the doom thing, BFG is big fucking guns.

And maybe BFM is big fucking money, which is what, but then we're losing the frog. Big was already big. Yeah. I tried as well. I had a crack. It turns out that they're just not funny.

It just can't be done. It's unworkable. Comedy has some things that are just never touched. Making these niches BFM funny can't be done. Can't be done. Impossible. What are you contributing to the power of seven? Speed reading.

Speed reading? I knew. Yeah, always fucking cracking open the Book of Shadows and having to focus on what like, what they're fighting, who they're fighting. I'll just read the whole fucking thing real quick and I'll stand there and be like, it's this thing. Are you sure speed reading is needed

and not just, like, just sitting down and reading it from, like, cover to cover one night? Do you need to be quick about it? Yeah. Originally when I started this pitch and said speed reading, I was thinking I could just go and quickly check. But then I was like, I could probably just... You take your time.

It also happens in the show. Fuck! It also happens frequently. So what they can, all of them I think, do, I think we see Prue do it first, they hold their hands over the book and they just go...

So they kind of channel magic. Fuck, I can't read that fast. Can I offer you an alternative? Because this is what I thought you were going to say. Speed racing. Like Speed Racer. You know? Fast car. Okay.

They do it at transport. Okay, so we're going to do a bit of yes and. Yes, yes and why? Nailed it, man. I've done improv for seven years and I've never seen anything quite so precise as that. They say it's dangerous looking to the sun, but sometimes the sun of comedy, you can just have a little cheeky peek. So speed racing. Why?

Why do they need a fast car? Because otherwise they're driving slow. They can orb. They can orb. Okay, how fast really is orbing? Is it very fast? It's instantaneous slow. They can all. They can all. How fast really is Orbing? Is it very fast? It's instantaneous travel. Instantaneous racing.

Okay. Plus, if you're doing speed racing like Speed Racer, then you've got a boy and a chimpanzee in the boot of your car. Okay. That would be cool. If you come with a boy and a chimpanzee, that's great. Anything. You know the chance now of a little boy and a chimpanzee being possessed by a demon

has increased like 200%. 200%. Two scenarios. We finish this episode, go outside, continue our lives as normal. We go outside, finish this episode, there's a boy and a chimpanzee. One is more exciting. Way more exciting. And which one gets you arrested?

That's true. That's true. That's true. My general existence has kept me out of jail so far. Being adjacent to a boy and a chimpanzee. In the boot of your car. That's what you keep saying. If I put one of those two things in the boot of my car,

I get arrested. Let alone two. Okay, if you put a chimpanzee and a little boy in the boot of a car, what are the odds of just retrieving a chimpanzee and a dead little boy at the end of this trip? Pretty high. They're friends in Speed Racer. Oh, yeah, one of them's dead. It's the boy of the chip.

And boy is in an experiment. I feel like could have been done 50 years ago, but less so now. Ethics. Yeah, ethics. Yes, every time. But probably something we could find out if that was your power. Yeah. Pretty easily.

Yeah, so I was originally going to talk about a book, but apparently you guys have already done that. So I just got like a, I got an ape and a kid. And then my friend, like, I think the kids were waiting. Like the guy who's just trying to have a thing. So you just like go out and get like a big hat. And you're like, you guys like my big hat. Can I hang out?

And everyone's like, the big hat's weird, man. But in this case, it's a child in a chimpanzee. The kid's related. He's my younger brother. Yeah, he's your younger brother. Why are you making me think of fucking Speed Racer? Shouldn't have said Speed Racer? Shouldn't have said Speed Racer. A relatively obscure anime.

I don't know why. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you put it in my mind, too bad. Yeah, okay. The kid's your younger brother, which makes the illegality much lower. Or higher. But you still own a chimpanzee, which is legal in America, where charm takes place.

No crimes. Okay, so I'm not putting you in the boot. Hang on a second. Putting you in the boot. Crime again. So random small boy in your boot of your car. No, no, no. My younger brother. No, no, no.

I'm saying to Jack. So random small boy in the boot of your car. That's highly illegal. You can't do that. Your own brother. Why is that now legal? Hi, drinks. Guardian.

Legal guardian. Don't worry. I'm his legal guardian. No, it's got the word legal in it. Okay, good point. So legal guardian. I'm their legal guardian. Legal guardian. Don't worry. No, it's got the word legal in it. So legal guardian. I'm their legal guardian. So I'm allowed to do this. I'm also the chimp's legal guardian.

This is my other brother. Johnny the ape. If the cops bring up the chimp, I'm going to be like, what? How am I getting that? Let me have a look. For real? That's crazy. How did that get there?

I must have been parked under a tree or something. Yeah, one of them chimp trees. I don't know what that's about. Near a zoo? Yeah. That's crazy. So I've rolled in in a big hat. Yep.

Oh, no. I've said to speed reading, they've been like, oh, yeah, we can do that. And I'm like, ah. Give me five minutes. How are you related? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What part of this is which? So mum had sex with an anime?

No, because my power is speed reading. A librarian. They're like, we can do that too. I'm like, oh, I guess mum had that power. We all have it. I just know a point. I don't know if this is a power, but I know a point. I'm related to him. I don't know if this is a power, but I know a boy. I'm related to him.

It's fine. It's not a power. So if you're related, that means are we related? No, it's dad's son. Does the boy have powers? Does the charmed own the chimpanzee now? Where does the relative connection end? So it's younger half-brother. It's dad's son that's my younger brother.

To the librarian's son. He can't speed read. But he is a witch. No, the witch is my mum. Okay, all right. But then the speed reading shouldn't be a power that came from the librarian. No, it was through the magic of love. Like when mum the witch and, the librarian, they bonded.

That's beautiful. That is actually so beautiful. Yeah. That's so beautiful. Jackson's one has kissing, but that's actually beautiful. The kissing in mine is pretty unwholesome. It's very disgusting. Yeah.

It's gross. Five thumbs on IMDB. Five thumbs. Five thumbs. Five thumbs. Down. Oh, what? This This went to like

Very strange Cross over Cross over with Speed Racer maybe Tried to like get those 90s movies Where we just threw a chimp in it Kind of like when Matt LeBlanc played baseball with a chimp I don't know why we did that Did that actually happen?

Yeah. Not in real life. It was for a movie. So in real life. You know, like he did play baseball with a chimp. Yeah. Like they filmed that. I mean, yeah.

That didn't happen in real life. No, but it's not like. Before a movie, yeah. But it's not like one of those situations where they used to just have apes in a like actual wrestling. Well, probably no one was keeping score of the baseball game. Yeah, no. Like it was a real game, but they kind of did play a game. Seems like some baseball happened.

Yes, it's like baseball happened. I apologize. You're absolutely right. It did happen. It happened in real life. Yeah. For a movie. I wasn't there, but it sounds like maybe my good friends were.

Another thing I've been left out of. First the Power of Three, and now this Matt LeBlanc chimp baseball game. Yeah, it was pretty wild, dude. It was a good time. So, yeah, the IMDb thing would probably just be like, this charmed slash speed racer crossover to promote, I guess, the 2008 movie was a real bummer.

Why did they make him sad? Why did they introduce the speed reading thing first? It just kind of gave the whole episode a tinge of bullying. I mean, I didn't like that man either, but still. I imagine they don't let you in the house. They're like, sorry, we're full. Sorry, we can teleport. Almost instantaneous.

This is San Francisco. You can't park your car. We don't have a car. It's like Big Hill. You probably have to park your car down the hill. My car is ugly and stupid. It's just like, yeah, it feels unethical. What happens if the chimpanzee gets the Book of Shadows?

That seems bad. That's some hygiene. That's some hygiene. Oh, no. That's what it says on the inside cover of the Book of Shadows. Keep out of reach of chimpanzees. Yeah, that's the only thing that it's kept out of reach of. And Chimp

gets the book and then doesn't know what knowledge it's absorbed. So maybe I'm not in the episode after that, but the Chimp has escaped and is the villain. You get the opening sequence, right? Like, you know, it's the book of shadows. Wind comes through the attic as it always does and blows open the book to the inside cover. It's like warning.

Keep out of reach of chimpanzee. And then we get the music. Smash cut. And then like pitter patter of feet opposite. And then like Piper like rolls over and she's like, oh, what's happening? I think someone's in the house. Get the shadow of like the lady arms going.

You're doing a lot of arm work. Very good. No, don't combine them. Don't combine chimp jerking off. That's bad. Chimp is just so high up. They would be about that high. Yeah, chimps are quite low down.

That makes sense. Now we're all imagining a chimp jerking off to men. That is in our heads. We're thinking about it. Don't let it out of your head. This is my favourite vaudeville act. I love this one. It's a little trick we play on the audience.

It's a vice-like grip of a chimp. Ow. It's happening again. I'm thinking of a chimp baby ripping off two dicks. And now he's running down the stairs with two dicks in his hand. It's a distressing sight. And there's blood everywhere. And everyone feels really sad inside.

Two men are crying. Too many crying. That penis is gone. That'll happen. That's on you. Oh, mercy. So, yeah, like five stars, I reckon, on IMDb. Five thumbs up. Took a turn.

Yeah, yeah, five thumbs up. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah, it's good. I reckon that one's good. Yeah, I think that's good. I'm feeling a lot of pressure because I feel like maybe I need to, because I'm the one that's really holding the charmed reality down.

I need to pick something that could exist. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. Not to throw shade on you guys. No, hey, look. I mean, I picked something that existed so much that it was irrelevant. Yeah, you just picked a witch skill. Yeah, I picked something that existed so much that it was irrelevant. Yeah, you just picked a witch skill. Yeah, I picked general magic. I want to pick the orb thing to make them vanish the demons.

Yeah, so you can have that. But you actually get one extra. Ah, shit. I did not prepare. Well, that's all right. The other one could be the speed ring. No, they do that too. Fuck!

The problem is that this is something that kind of doesn't ever get addressed in the show, is that they're given these very particular special abilities, but then they can just practice general magic. So they can do spells to, like, read really fast or, like, do all this other stuff. And it's like, well, shouldn't that be a specialty? Imagine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Summer and night, I guess.

Yeah, and, like, especially, like, because I was thinking, like, maybe, like, invisibility would be cool, but there are spells In the series That sort of Allow for that And it's like Well that's cheating

Yeah What about like Mum slept with Like another witch So you get like Double the witch Oh Double witch

That's the Most horny thing Charmed I'm surprised They didn't do that Yeah Yeah yeah yeah Well

It was very gendered The show was very gendered It was like Witch or warlock. Oh, that's right. And generally the warlocks, there were some good ones, but generally they were like. No good.

No good. I think as much as I, look, short answer is I want Piper's powers. I think hers is the best. Hers is the most best one. So we've got to kill her with a brick. Yeah, we've got to kill her with a brick. But if I were to, if we're saying like charmed universe characters, I think I would want to play like a mortal.

I know this is not answering the question, but I'm answering my own question. But I would want to play one of the like mortals who have like been roped into doing something by a demon that isn't necessarily bad, but they want power and don't have it. Like they're just edging on the edge of getting something. Yeah. You're lame just saying.

Okay. Because I've never edged before. I'm just like too good at coming. No. I just think they're so fun. Like in terms of like this is not the question. But in terms of like playing them in the series, I think they'd be the funnest characters to play

because they're always like equal parts. Like they suck and they have powers and they're the antagonist. But also they're sort of simps as well, which I love. Oh, you're simping the devil. Yeah, you're simping so hard. So there's like one guy who like, yeah, there's heaps of them, but they all kind of get roped into like just doing biddings for demons and stuff that'd be a fun character to play but i would i think if i had a yeah if i had

a power it would be either something like truth telling or like mind reading would be cool or like um invisibility but that makes me feel like i feel like immediately like a creep because there's no use no ethical use of invisibility. No, I think you can... Okay, let's hear Jackson try to explain. Yeah, I would like to hear it because I think I have it, but I would like to hear how Jackson does it. Well, Jackson's going to fuck it up, so it's brave to let him go first.

I think if you're watching someone... Straight off. Every time he gets it wrong, we'll let him know. Keep going, Trajan. Watching a person. Watching sometimes. So about three red flags already.

When you're watching sometimes. And you're invisible. Yeah. Okay, so sometimes it's good to watch the way people do things. Bow, bow. So we're people watching, but we're invisible. Yeah, invisible people watching. Are you watching everybody or just certain people?

Maybe a family. Pow, pow. What? I'm imagining I'm in a food court, and I'm like, how does this family eat? That might be interesting. Why does that have to be invisible? Because otherwise I'm a creep just watching a family.

You're still a creep watching a family eat. You're still doing the creepy thing. Except now you're invisible, so there's no chance that... No one knows. What do you mean? So you're not concerned about the watching. You're concerned about the getting caught. Which is...

It's interesting to watch people eat. Okay. I just want to watch people eat and face no judgment. Yeah. And the reason that you face judgement is because everyone knows that that is an uncomfortable thing to do to another person and the reason there is judgement is because it's probably well not probably, it is ethically the wrong thing to do

well aren't we glad I don't have the power of wisdom especially if that's your no I can do this, I can do it without being a creep yeah because mine was just like I'd use it to go to the movies for free. So I'd just probably go to the movies for free and not watch people eat. Or maybe just like my other thing I would do is probably just go to the movies for free or like go to the movies for free. Yeah, okay.

You could hide from someone who is staring at you. There's that. You could eat in a food court in peace. Yeah. Without any fear of a person watching you eat. I feel like it would scare the crap out of people just to see like a Subway sandwich just float up and then in one go.

Because that's how I eat. All the way down. As it went up, you'd be like, is a ghost eating that or down. You know, as it went up, you'd be like, is a ghost eating that or whatever? And then when it was all gone, you'd be like, I don't know what's happening. Where'd that sandwich go? Ghosts don't eat sandwiches.

There's no way. Hang on a moment. Well, with ghosts, though, what if mum banged a ghost? Oh, yeah. You were a half ghost baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that would be the invisibility would come from it. Yeah, there you go.

Plus, then you're intangible. You can go through a wall if you need to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be the invisibility would come from. Yeah, there you go. Plus then you're intangible. You can go through a wall if you need to. I'm vibing that. I feel like there's good, like in terms of like story writing, there's definitely a lot of use in that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I guess like I do feel invisible. Like sometimes.

Damn. There it is. Would you have a grave as a half ghost? But like they didn't finish it. Damn. There it is. Would you have a grave as a half ghost? But, like, they didn't finish it. Yeah. They didn't spend that much money on it. They were like, meh. Yeah, well, she's only half dead, so.

There's a really good ghost episode where they're like, there's a wedding happening and Prue is photographing the wedding. Yeah. And there's a couple who have just had a baby and there's a ghost taunting them and they have to like find because he can like do stuff like make electricity go through the house and like all that great ghost stuff. Yeah. Which is now making me really want to be the ghost.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. Because you can like short circuit. I don't know why ghosts hate circuitry so much. It's like blow it up. You've got lights on in your house and I frankly hate it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I preferred the world pre-Edison.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck Thomas. I like candles. But then they blow candles out too. Ghosts are tricky. I do though. I'm lying in there at night time. Yeah, yeah.

I guess if you're a ghost in the dark, everyone's a ghost. Wow. Yeah. If everyone's dark, you're all kind of invisible. I don't know if it's been noted, but in Plumbing the Dust I'm the sensitive one.

Yeah, it really shows, man. I thought so. But yeah, they end up having to find the way you get rid of a ghost is you, like, bring their bones up and then you put some potion on the bones. But that's one of my favorite visual effects moments is, like, Prue just does it so easily. She just does this and, like, she'd put her hand up

and then the body just, like, appears. And I was like, that's dope. Like, how easy would gardening be? Oh, yeah. A drink. I know. Get rid of all those dead bodies in my yard. Yeah. I'm all, that's dope. Like how easy would gardening be? Oh, yeah. A drink. I know. Get rid of all those dead bodies in my yard. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I definitely meant like just digging a hole to put a tree in. But, yeah, you got dead bodies in your yard. So that's good. Does that mean the way to vanquish you is to put potions on half your bones? Yeah, I guess.

Why are we vanquishing you? I don't know. Why do you want to know that? Are you threatened by the fact that maybe we're replacing you with someone with powers of the good? Yeah, which one of you is dying? Me. This is after I get hit by a car.

Of course. But you do get your own, like, yeah. You get your own video game. Yeah, I get my own video game. See, I like the idea, though. The other three, they get killed off. Oh, we're the new chomps. And now the power of four. Well, not me. I'm hit by a car. The power three, they get killed off. Oh, we're the new chomps. And now the power of four.

Well, not me. I'm hit by a cop. The power of three over here. The power of four. We can all come together. And we've got a little boy with a chimpanzee. A frog. You died off screen. I just, after wearing that hat, I'm like, guys, I'm back, but I've got a chimpanzee and a little boy. And they're like, yeah, absolutely not.

Speed reading at a much better rate. This is flat out, and we don't usually say this on show, because I've got a G50 and a little boy and they're like, yeah, absolutely not. Speed reading had a much better day. This is flat out, and we don't usually say this on show because it's like a PG rated show, but that's fucked. M15. Because of the supernatural elements. Supernatural themes, of course. And some blood as well, I guess.

Also, just one thing on the speed reading. You, just to really drive the knife in further, the thing I really enjoyed about it was you were like, because then I could read the Book of Shadows really fast and have all the information. End of use. Yeah, like share it.

They'd be like, what's this? I'm like, it's here. Did you bring that up before me? It's a one and done. Because you probably, yeah, it's in your, especially if the speed reading element, you were like, because then the knowledge stays in my head. Yeah.

So you don't really need to read it that quickly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. More than once. That the Chalm sisters could then throw out the Book of Shadows and just have the noose around their necks up in the attic and be like, hey, we're just wondering about. I meant more because I would be their fourth sister, so I'd be with them on the fifth.

And they'd be like, what's this? We need to consult the Book of Shadows. I'm like, I know it. It's in here. Yeah, I read it already. So you just get'd be with them on the 5th, and they'd be like, what's this? We need to consult the Book of Shadows. I'm like, I know it. It's in here. Yeah, I've read it already. So you just get to be the one being like, well, actually... The cool one of the group.

Everyone's favorite member. The one with the knowledge. The one that stops all the fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, actually... You kind of love that guy. The one actually demon slayer. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, okay, what do we think for season... How many seasons of Charmed have? Oh, actually, yeah, yeah. We kind of love that guy. The one actually demon slayer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, okay, what do we think for season, how many seasons of Charmed have? Oh, God, now you're pushing me. Eight? Yeah, it went on for too long, that's for sure. Well, let's say for this hypothetical season nine, where the power of three and one dead toad or whatever happens,

what's the IMDB reviews for that? What are people saying? What's the general fan consensus for our season of Charlie? So it becomes, I guess, based on these skills that we have, Lena would be the leader. Fuck yeah, I'll take that. I guess a lot of the stuff is happening in the bar, like the bar is now instead of the house. And it would be a lot of ghost stuff involving the bar, I guess. Ghost stuff.

Ghost stuff with the bar, I guess a chimpanzee, maybe a bartender. Probably smoke cigarettes. Yes! That's a cool chim. And the band that comes in every week is just the guy singing the song, the vaudeville act, singing the song about the monkey dicks. Everyone looking at

that chimp. The chimp just polishing some glasses. Cigarette dangling out of its mouth. Is that the chimp in the song? No one angered the chimp. That's the chimp in the song. If it jerks you off, don't surprise me. Well, I was going to go to the glory hole

in this bar, but now I will not. The idea of the bar toilet having a urinal that's just pristine because no one has ever used it out of fear. I don't want to lose my dick to a monkey again. There's like an eight-person line for the cubicle. They have a whole warning system at the front of this bar. I know what I'm in for.

I'm not doing it. This is one creepy dude who just walks in and he's not in any way supernatural. He's just a guy that's like, you guys, this is a monkey bar, right? This is a bar where the monkey jerks you off. And it's called Monkey Bar. Oh, yeah, come inside.

There's the toilet. Go ahead. You'll be a new verse for monkey bar. Oh, yeah, come inside. There's the toilet. Go ahead. You'll be a new verse for the song. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Be a good verse. We've become something strange. Regular man thought he was brave. Regular man with a sick curiosity.

I fear telling you guys that they did try to reboot the show and they made another series, but I didn't actually, I couldn't engage with it. I wanted to because it was like exciting. Just didn't get me the same way. Speaking about gossip though with Charmed. Yeah, like the new Charmed cast were like, fans of the show were like, this isn't the Charmed we remember. And then the new cast members were like, well, yeah, fuck the old Charmed cast were like, fans of the show were like, this isn't the charm of a member. And then the new cast members were like, well, yeah,

fuck the old Charmed actually. Yeah. That went well. Yeah, it didn't. A ridiculous thing to say. But also I kind of get it. Like I did really want to like it. I wanted it to be new.

I didn't want it to just be like, okay, we're meeting new Pru Piper Phoebe. Like I really did want the show to be it's own thing but they just tried to make it like Riverdale like it just had this sort of I don't know if Riverdale existed yet but they had that sort of like hot teen thing and I was like no you can say for sure

though that our rebooted charm is something new there was nothing like it on television I would really like to know who funds it because at the moment it sounds like adult swimming. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We reach out to Melissa Milano, asks if she wants to do a cameo.

Do not hear back. We're still making a hold on hope though. How related to Charmed is it anymore? It seems to be about a dangerous bar. It's more like We Bought a Zoo, but We B bought a bar. If we bought a zoo had a scary ape in it. A scary ape that

has already read the book of shadows so he's a bit of a spellcaster. Maybe the chimpanzee's in charge of this sisterhood now. And we are its simps. I know myself. I know who I would pick as a leader and it's definitely Dick Grabber Monkey Well yeah, look, same

The power that chip exudes, for sure I reckon, Simon, you're probably not the manager of the bar anymore you're assistant manager behind the chip I think we're all assistant whatever our job is, to be honest I'm on like the back of the bar, dissected We wanted to see if he had man guts turns out no

and it's one of those horrible taxidermies that's like the eyes just looking at you somehow it's kind of like a magic trick because when I kiss it and you turn into a dissected man taxidermied real poor it's bad it's both

I'm going to kiss him the other way because this way is far less gross I'm gonna kiss him back that's more popular than the glory hole she just looks like is this still charmed am I watching charmed

how do we bring it back to charmed oh the book of shadows yeah the eighth goes to the book of shadows as part of like you know how like there's the Book of Shadows yeah the book of shadows it's fine

as part of like you know how like Melbourne's like do up the the bathroom thing with like newspaper yeah like they

it's like part of the design they just put the Book of Shadows up there so then then it's still in the universe yeah yeah yeah still part of it and then we can have a sweet cameo

about Lisa Milano or someone like she's taking a shit and she looks over into the wall and be like you guys fuck up my book guys what the fuck and that's like

the end of season one yeah or like Leo comes and just blows up the bar that's probably for the biggest yeah we deserve this

yeah that's that's the way really disrespected you angel man for killing that ship he was controlling our lives you wouldn't believe you were not in a power rattle for us You angel man for killing that chip. He was controlling our lives.

You wouldn't believe. You were the power we had over us. And he freed us from his cold, long fingernailed hands. So I guess we all ended up picking your choice, Lena, which was a simp for the evil thing, but the evil thing just happened to be an ape. Absolutely, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and it doesn't sound like we really chose ape. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And it doesn't sound like we really chose it. No, no, no. It chose us. Yeah. Yeah. And that is very The Power of Three. We decided to go on full circle. When we were ready. Yeah.

And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've been Joel. I've been Lena. And Lena, where can we find you? Oh, please come on my Instagram. Please go to my Please go to my

Instagram. Don't come on it. Please go to my Instagram. It's Lena, at Lena I Moon. All my information is there for my comedy festival show, which opens on March 29th and goes till 8th of April. Or you can watch me on Twitch, which is on the Instagram. Twitch.tv slash.

Lena Moon underscore. I had to change it from Lena I Moon there because people kept calling me Lenai Moon. And now I miss it. So I want to go back. I'm waiting six months to be able to change it back. Starting a Twitch name that sounds like, because mine is sounds like a fan of me and it's bad. People are often like, are you the? I'm like it back. Starting a Twitch name that sounds like, because mine sounds like a fan of me,

and it's bad. People are often like, are you the, and I'm like, yes, that is, no, look, it's on me. It's on me. It's your fault, for sure. Yeah, we all should have thought about it more. No, you did good.

Everyone did good. Thank you. Yeah, thanks. Hey, did you love Dinosaur Park? The whole Dinosaur Saga, even? Well, did you know that just as the Jolls wrap up their adventures in the vast reaches of space, a brand new adventure has begun? On the very same night that the Jolls entered Dinosaur Park,

Jackson's good friends Adam and Cash found themselves trapped in Dinosaur Land, Jackson's nightmare of a theme park. If you want to be part of the next chapter of the Dinosaur Saga, then head to SandsPantsPlus, and for as little as $10 a month, you gain access to Dinosaur Park 2, Dinosaur Land, as well as literally an arseload of other content. Once again, that's SandsPantsRadio.com forward slash plus. Head there now. The adventure continues.