Plumbing the Death Star - What do the People of Forks Think is Going on in Forks?

Episode Date: February 20, 2022

In the continuation of our 4 part mini-series we try to understand what everyone in the town of Forks thinks is going on, if they're all okay with a bunch of step-siblings making out in public or why an intelligent chimpanzee in running the school. Feel free to email us in at [e-mail] if you know why Carlisle has a whole damn birthing suite in his house.Want to help support the show? You can check out all the subscription options on our website for Sanspants+, support the Bad IQ Boys on Apple Podcasts or check out the Plumbing Sampler on Acast+! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This year we're giving you options on how to support the three dumbest fucks in all of podcasting. If you want the biggest bang for your buck and you love D&D, check out our subscription options over at sanspansradio.com slash plus. But if you listen mostly through Apple Podcasts, do not care about D&D at all, and don't want the hassle of learning how to import RSS feeds to various podcast apps that may or may not work, then a bad IQ Boys subscription on Apple Podcasts might be for you. You get two bonus apps in the plumbing feed a month, new episodes of both Plumbing the Death Star and our sister show, Baseless Speculation, ad-free 24 hours after initial release, as well as Jackson

Bailey Spooks America, a show where Jackson and his guests, usually us, do our best to solve an unsolvable mystery, ghoul or spook or whatever. Listenable at highest quality WAV because Apple won't let us upload an MP3 for some reason. All of that for $9.49 per month. But if these options aren't tickling your fancy, may I suggest the Plumbing Sampler over on Acast Plus. For $5 USD a month, you get regular episodes without any dynamic ads,

as well as those two bonus episodes in the Plumbing Feed a month. What if, where we try to answer what Marvel Comics were asking back in 1977, and Plumbing Plus. Literally just an extra episode of Plumbing the Death Star Part 3 of our Plumlight miniseries The lion should not fuck the lamb I'm Joel I'm Jackson I'm also Joel

I was remembering what to say. As you were saying. As I was saying. Actually, I reckon I remember what to say just a moment after I said it. And the one important question I'm asking today is, Well, that's simple. We're asking, what do the people of Forks think is going on in Forks so imagine you were

last episode we discussed the goings and comings of the Cullen family yeah the goings and comings of the Cullen

the comings and comings yeah the comings and comings of the Cullen family. Yeah, the goings and comings of the Cullens. The comings and comings. Yeah, the comings and comings of the Cullen family. And now we think if we're some cunts on the other side, we're observing the goings and comings and comings of the Cullen family. Are we... Question.

Shoot. So now we're like, we are regular Joe Forks citizen. Joe Q. Forks. Joe Q. Forks. Am I a... What am Iks am I a what am I first of all I think the best place to start is I always thought it was Forks as in like Guy Forks but it's Forks as in just

the cutlery it's just spelled F-O-R-K Forks Washington I much prefer Knife LA. Hey? Hey? Hey? Great joke.

How about we each take a foot in a different part of town where it would become relevant? Putting a foot? Okay. All right. I'll go school teacher. Okay. Yeah, great. I'll go maybe like a medical doctor working at a hospital.

Yeah. With my good friend, Dr. Carlisle. Dr. Carlisle. And I guess I'm teaching the fuck kids. And I guess I'll go forest ranger or some shit. Because stuff happens there as well. High school, what's that like?

What do you think is happening with these fucking kids? Straight off the bat, regardless of what I have, I know that there's a gang of kids that are all adopted, that all have gold eyes. I'm like, something freaky and fucked up is going on. Don't they wearaky and fucked up i think they wear contacts at school but they are all deathly pale and very rarely at school and a lot of the other children seem to like like be like they're mysterious yeah there seems to be no like everyone's very much enamored by them now i'm an older like i'm an adult yes uh i'm friends with high school teachers in real life.

Yeah, yeah. When kids get bullied for being freaks, sometimes the teachers are like, well, yeah. So you're saying in this situation. I have to be like, oh, I'm so sorry they treat you like that. But in my head I'm like, well, what do you fucking think is going to happen? But they're not being bullied. They're beloved.

They're beloved. Oh, no, that's right. Because they're like the cool. They're the cool kids. Everyone wants to be part of that clique. They're beloved. Oh no, that's right, because they're like the cool- They're the cool kids. Everyone wants to be part of that clique. They're like cool, hot, and mysterious. Well, let's imagine then a scene from Twilight, one of my favorites, where you're in the class, maybe you're just coming in if you're the principal or whatever, they teach you the

class, Bella comes in, new student in town, okay, and she's near a fan. And the biology teacher. Yeah, and makes one of your freak students nearly throw up. What do you think's happening here? You think you got a stinky student? No, I think- He has to get up and leave. You're like, hey, can you- oh, he's gone. Okay. You have no idea. Edward! Edward! Come back! Where do you think you're going? He's gone. He's zipped out. Yeah, he's gone. He's out of there.

I'm sticking my head out of the closet. Edward! Sorry, she stinks like shit, sir. I turn and look at Bella. Miss Swan, come here. Oh! Imagine she does. Oh, you're a stinky student. I have no idea.

Where did you come from? Bella? Stinkville, USA? Did you transfer from Stinkville, USA? Everybody, the new student Bella here. Come smell Bella Swan, students. The worst smelling kid. No, but I imagine.

They watch, she gets there, the teachers. Yeah, she's from Stinkville. Stinkville over here. Introducing your new stinky classmate, students, Miss Bella Swan. Bella, take a seat probably next to a window. Other kids, if you want to move away from Bella, that's fine. Kids, take a seat. Bella, take a bath. Someone get this fan, put it next to Bella, facing Bella

to the window. She's stinking up the house. How shocked are you going to be later when you find out they're in love and then later marry? Guess it was a good stink. That's what you say at the wedding to a dad. Guess it was a good stink. Thanks for the invite, by the way way I don't know why I'm here Do high school teachers usually get invited

To weddings of their students? I mean well I haven't taught for like four years Well no I would say yeah Because you haven't taught I was there when they met It was fucked

Also you were there when they met But also you would have taught them Because they would have just graduated less than a year ago. Oh, that's true. Yeah. And Forks doesn't seem like, say, like a thriving metropolis.

I think it was, that would have been two years, right? Two years, yeah, yeah. They have a bikey gang. Yeah, they do have a bikey gang, but that's in like the town. I don't know if that's in Forks. I think that's in the town like adjacent or whatever. Anyway, so it's a school teacher.

I mean, you just see these like, I guess like I'm not paying attention to cool, weird kids. I don't really care a school teacher. I mean, you just see these, like, I guess, like, I'm not paying attention to cool, weird kids. I don't really care. Unless they're being freaks in class, like what Edward does. And I'm like, what is going on? You'd have rumors, though, in the classroom. I'm sorry, in the staff room.

Because you'd be in that staff room, like, you know those weird freak kids that everyone seems enamored with? Would you be suspicious? Well, no, I would just be like, it's, honestly. Acting goth motorcycle- Yeah, but just be honestly, I feel like that the, like the staff from gossip would be like, it's disgusting that they kiss. I don't know what to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah. Cause you're just like, they're like- Like the PDA of especially like, I think, look, I don't, I know the principal has told us that everything is good.

Normal school USA. While we're here in the staff room, Look, I know the principal has told us that everything is good. Normal school USA. While we're here in the staff room, is our principal a monkey that could shop with the principal, right? I've actually never seen him out of his office, and the rumor is he doesn't know how to get out of his chair. That would make a lot more sense if you didn't look at last week's episode, see 90 minutes, and be like, I'll probably skip that one.

I understand that the principal has said this is all cool, but I'm like, are they brothers? I wouldn't think it is cool. What are they? If they're adopted, I know they're adopted. So they are adopted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the four that are kissing, are they also adopted? Well, no, because you So, like, because, like, as a, like... But the two that are kissing, the four that are kissing, are they also, are they adopted?

Well, no, because you would be, like, you're all from the same family. It would still feel fucked up. I think the first... You'd mention it to the, like, it would be, like, hey, Carlisle and... Esme. Esme, thank you so much for coming to the Parent Teacher Review. I've got, like, something kind of uncomfortable to discuss with you. Yeah. The affection between two groups of your children yeah they're doing a lot

of macking on what the fuck's going on i don't think you if you thought that they were like siblings i don't know if you'd wait to bear a teacher yeah you might call an emergency like emergency meeting with a counselor yeah yeah yeah but also like would you because my first thought no because you would know so like a teacher would know that they're like, as in like, I mean, you'd know like the fam, cause I mean, but it's still,

it would just be like in a, in the real world. If you had two adopted kids in your class and they were kissing, if I family, you'd still be like, that's fucked up. If I knew two people as adults that were living together as like, we're adopted,

but not related. And I saw them hooking up. I would spew up. But the thing is, they're not, they're not, but not related. And I saw them hooking up. I would spew up. But the thing is, they're not, they're not adopted though. Yeah. Oh yeah.

That's right. Cause it's that fucked up situation. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Explain this. The principal told us,

Esme and Carl, they had the whole conversation. Those two come from a fucked up family. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I guess you'd just be like, okay, so Rosalie and Jasper, despite the fact that, I know, cause I don't know that they've got the same color no no no even though they're all fucking pale rosalie and jasper kind of like

all right i guess they're blonde i guess they're all right so wait so hang on so rosalie and jasper have a different laugh name and they laugh name and they and they're dating the collins true kids well true adopted kids, yes. Well, are they adopted? I think that would be what you were told, yeah, yeah. But see, that's also weird. I mean, like, my first thought, and I think a lot of people in Fork's first thought would be cult, right?

You'd assume it was a cult happening up there, that they were getting up to some freaky deaky shit. They're all fucking, in my eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Especially when you're like, two strangers came into the family and were immediately married off to their two kids that's weird they're not married they're but they keep fucking no no no they are but we don't know that because they're pretending to be teenagers they are married yeah so they're affectionate

with each other to the point where you're like like that's weird like imagine also you've been married for ages shut up stop doing it also you're high school. It'd be like two grown adult couple going into high school smack it on. You're like, why? Yeah, I know. Go home. Fuck at home. Why are you doing this in front of children? Fuck your maybe stepbrother or sister at home.

It's fine. Yeah, it's just like, because, yeah, they've been in a couple for quite some time. Yeah, it's crazy. Look, love's not they've been in a couple for quite some time. Yeah, it's crazy. They understand, like, look, you love your significant other. That's great. You're very affectionate. That's also great. But maybe don't do it in front of actual children.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about- They just have this zero social, like, understanding. Oh, well, because they don't know how to be teens. That's a trick. Maybe that's what they were doing when they were teens. They don't know how to be people because they had to spend years and years and years. They're not.

But also away from society because they were going to eat them. Yeah. What about how well all the kids would do it in biology? Like they just aced the test. What do you think? Do you think that's suspicious? Because they've done it so many times that they just can't. I don't think it was suspicious that anytime someone fell over or like hurt themselves,

the Jasper looked like he was going to jump in. You'd have a parent-teacher interview to be like, we've got to discuss your son Jasper's blood bonus. Notice a thing? That's what I'm calling them. Every time anybody grazes their knee, he pops a chub. A full-on chub. You can see it in his eyes.

He's full-on chubbed up, and I just think that's a bit of a worry. Kyle, I'll be like, could I just think that's a bit of a worry. Every time someone has like a... Could you please use different terminology? All right. So every time he gets a blood stiffy? Yeah, yeah. A sanguine stiff. A sanguine stiff.

Is that proper for you? A red erection? I don't know. What's good? What's good? Why do you don't need to tie the two together? I don't know. I don't know. Like a wet red erection.

Yeah, he gets artery aroused. Yeah. Like a wound stiff. I think I get the idea. He gets like a wound on floppy cock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's typically floppy cock is the opposite of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does that give you an idea of what's going on?

Wound. Oh. I think you held this meeting to get me in trouble, but I think now you're all going to get in trouble. He's got a wound fat cock. Yeah. Yeah. A cock that's fat for wounds.

That would be very, very... And I don't know know as a teacher of biology you'd think I'd be prepared for this never happened before you've got one of them fucked up kids in my 20 years

of teaching look I don't know I've only ever heard about this maybe with serial killers yeah that's what I'm saying

your kid's full of fucked up yeah yeah yeah has he mutilated like any animals like wouldn't it be fucked up

because you'd notice from all the Cullen kids no because the others Jasper can control Jasper can't control Edward I think that's it though I think Emmett, Rosalie and Alice are pretty good

at dealing with it Rosalie not so much she's like fuck I want to eat this baby that you're giving birth to she has to step out it's not the baby. It's because of all the- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the baby's covered in blood. So you probably end up eating the baby too. I want to lick the baby's face. That's all I'm saying. Well, what about when Edward and- Well, let's move to movie two. I was going to say, with the biology though,

you wouldn't think of it because dad's a doctor. So I'd be like, well, of course they're acing it. Yeah, that's true. Good point. Yeah, yeah. Their grades mean nothing because my radar's already at, like, high alert from everything else. Yeah, yeah.

And again, your radar would be like, yeah, off the chart. But you'd be like, but they're good students, so I guess they're just sitting there doing the work. I honestly would not be able to look past the fact that they're macking on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Again, me and you and, like, the teachers, like, the teacher now. But, yeah, but again, we've explained that, like, they're not related. Yeah.

Like, again, they're just- And I would just be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, explained that they're not related. Yeah. And I would just be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's fucked up. Yeah, I know, but I guess it's a very liberal, I guess, household because I guess, are they sleeping together? I'm just really worried I'm going to be teaching a class and then they're going to be sucking each other off. Hey, guys, don't tell anyone. I'm a janitor. Don't tell anyone I come in at the teachers' night.

We will. That's all right. Just clean up our shits and got in the corner at this normal school budget cuts happened we're shitting in the bucket in the teacher's lounge. They're a toilet. What the fuck? I thought I was the freak for occasionally using the teacher's lounge to make a little coffee, but what am I discovering? I have one of these butterfingers.

I don't know that I want that. What's in the teacher's lounge, motherfucker? We shit in the bucket. Rules are different here. It's where we can finally get a little bit of peace and quiet. You tell your secret that you're a janitor that you sneak into the teacher's lounge. We tell our secret.

We shit in a bucket. We, after our class, we're like class dismissed. We walk into the teacher's lounge. We drop the trowel. We shit in that bucket. Three wipes. That's it. You can tell the principal he's in on it.

In fact, look, he's shitting in the bucket now. I need to leave. Yeah, I thought so. that's it. You can tell the principal he's in on it. In fact, look, he's shitting the bucket now. I need to leave. Yeah, I thought so. Teacher's lounge. That's right, it doesn't make janitor's lounge. No, it's janitor's closet, teacher's lounge. I just sit in the janitor's closet in a little fold-out chair like, what the fuck is happening in this school?

I saw that kid get a blood bone the other day. What the hell alright movie 2 yeah Edward and Bella well okay actually the next thing in movie 1

Bella nearly gets hit by a car Edward saves her what do you think's happened man we need to have a bit more safety with our like school grounds did a student nearly die why are these kids

driving to school what's the license laws in America? I think teens can... We need to do something about that. I don't know. Maybe put a speed hump there or something. How do they explain it away in the movie? Because I can't remember. Do they?

It's just one of the ones I think... Aw, bless us. Cute little douche-sneezes. Aw, bless us. It's been one of those movies that I have watched that one so many times, so long ago, that it's just such a pain. Even for the rewatch for this, I rewatched it, but it's just, it's gone, what the explanation is.

Yeah. Aww. Aww. You got too many. That's a cute one. Oh, that's cute. Shut up. Yeah, because I don't know what Oh, that's cute. Shut up.

Yeah, because I don't know what you were thinking. I mean, I guess whatever explanation they give works on most people. I think it's just like maybe he- I think he says he pushes Bella out of the way. Yeah, he pushes Bella out of the way. He's like, yeah, I push you out of the way. And she's like, no, you didn't. I was there, dude. You just stopped a bloody truck.

Yeah, yeah. And then he's just like, oh, it's adrenaline. And she's like, you're a freak. Yeah, you're a vampire. I'm going to Bing Vampire later, okay? And figure out what's going on. Yeah. All right.

Well, then movie two. They're together. What do you think? What do you think is going on here? I'm like, okay, another two students are dating. Great. Yeah. Because, yeah, I think-

Edward and Bella doesn't phase me together. I'm still focused on- But see, I would be worried because the way that that family has worked in the past is they get in people to be like brides for the kids they already have. Yeah, it's like a bit of a cult. Again, you would be... I mean, everyone's worried about Bella and Edward now that I think about the movies.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very true. Because Charlie's like, Bella, you're grounded, not because I don't want you going out, but because I want you to get some distance from Edward. It's funny from your perspective, because in the second movie, Edward's going to Rome to kill himself. You're just like, that's a lot of absences from this movie. Edward's going to go off himself, and I guess Bella's gone depressed. Yeah, she's sleeping in class and screaming.

It's not good. I wish teenagers would be normal in talks. Yeah, because you wouldn't, you would maybe hear sort of a grapevine that they might have dated for a bit. Yeah, yeah. Because like, I guess they dated during the break. You see them, no, because they go to prom together. They do. I know about it because prom's school related.

When does he kind of dump her slash run away? Pretty much at the beginning of the second movie. Yeah. So he would have had a little bit of time when like, i guess they were dating and now i guess he's a lot of absences yeah unexplained and it's funny just from your perspective it's just like the year of many absences and then they're back yeah you'd be getting like imagine like chatting to i don't know like the english department that you need to like like oh my god look at this piece of shit poem bella handed in look at this like wanky teenage essay that bella has written oh my God, look at this piece of shit poem Bella handed in. Look at this like wanky teenage essay that Bella has written.

Oh my God. She is in love with this fucker. What would you do? So like at the end of the year, like Edward comes back. Yeah. Would you ever sit down meeting with him? Hey. No, because you call his parents.

Yeah, true, true, true. Should have a meeting with him. If the kid's absent, like as a 17 year old. Yeah, if they're absent. You're not being like, hey, we need true. You should have a meeting with... If the kid's absent, like as a 17-year-old... Yeah, if they're absent... You're not being like, hey, we need to talk about your attendance. I'd just be like, hey, Carlisle. Yeah, it's Mr. Doucher. Yeah, Edward.

What the fuck? Your other kids are at school? You're one of the most aggressive teachers I've ever met. It's because, to be honest, Carlisle, I'm sick of your family's fucked up shit. I don't like how you run a household. I know we shouldn't judge perfectly normalised

but I do because all the other kids don't run away they're also still attending class so I guess I have to cover for Edward

because you would be like once again Mr Cullen where is your son he's very sick oh he's taking a trip to Rome to kill himself.

Sorry. Forget that last bit. Nix it. I didn't say it. He's just going to Rome to. Have a good time. He likes Rome. Eat spaghetti.

So he'd be like, oh, he's very sick. Yeah. Contagious. We're just like doing whatever, whatever. Can you bring home like a, can like I come and pick up a homework package? What? And so like. And maybe.

What do the Collins think Edward's doing? No, they know he's going to Rome to kill himself, so they gotta rush there and save him. That's the end of the movie. Yeah, no, I know that because Alice is like, Bella's actually alive. Yeah, but before that, I think they're just like, where the fuck is he? No, because he removes himself

because he's like, oh, I'm too dangerous to be around Bella, but he keeps appearing to her as a ghost. That's just Bella's's thinking it yeah well that's not actually him yeah yeah that's just bella wishful thinking yeah that is true so i think isn't it to be like oh if when i'm around more vamps are gonna go and like uh the the mate of that other vampire yeah but james yeah james that i killed victoria yeah yeah Victoria wants to Bryce Dallas Howard is like I'm gonna kill you Bella

so he's like I gotta get away so that she doesn't spoiler though she dies yeah yeah not Bella she's fine

she gets close though yeah that is true that is true so I think it would be like well Carlisle's a doctor so he'd be this like yeah medical

he's like oh he's sick and I guess you'd be like okay and then I get one of those all the teachers would be like, isn't it sus? That kid's dying, yeah. He might be dead already.

Hey, I'm the janitor. I got used to it. What do you mean might be dead already? Well, maybe he won't come back. We don't know. What do you mean he won't come back? I mean, he's dead. We're sending him home.

We're getting him back. Surely, if he was dead already, the dad would have told us. Yeah. What about the Scientology guy's wife? She's probably dead. Scientology guy? Same thing. Who are you talking about?

Well, don't you know David Miscavige's wife's completely disappeared? I want to say Tammy Faye, but that seems wrong. That's the same thing that's happening with Edward Cullen. Wait, is Tammy Faye right? I don't know. Who's Tammy Faye? I'm impressed I got David Miscavige. Yeah, that's actually impressive.

Are you telling us that the other kids are here? So you're saying Edward has chuffed off to join the cult? Who's Tammy Faye? I'm impressed like a David Miscavige. Yeah, that's impressive. Are you telling us that like, the other kids are here? So you're saying Edward has like, chuffed off to join the cult or some shit? Who's Tammy Faye? But aren't they- Are they- Are they Scientologists? There's some kind of cult! Is Carlisle a Scientologist? You might think something like Scientology, or like- Because you probably wouldn't assume new cult. You'd probably be like, they're some specific group.

Their skin is very pale. What is he a doctor of? Do you know? Is he like a GP? I think he's a surgeon. A plastic surgeon? Is he like giving free Botox to his kids or some shit? Do his kids have Botox?

That's fucked up. I don't know about this. Have you seen their skin? It's flawless. Yeah, that's true. I wish I had their same kind of skincare regime. I mean, I've tried moisturizing skin, it's flawless. Yeah, that's true. Like, I wish I had their, like, same kind of skincare regime. Like, I mean, I've tried moisturizing,

but look at this. I have nothing on my crotch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's doing nothing for you. I know, I know. I've tried to, like, subtly ask them about their, like, skincare regime,

but they just, like, roll their eyes and scoff at me. That's a weird thing to ask a kid. Yeah, that's actually a fucked up thing to ask. They have such good skin. TV Evangelion is his wife.

Anyway, not the same person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you very much. There's a movie about her. Yeah, okay. Yeah, again, they're flawless guys. Anyway, not the same person. Thank you very much. There's a movie about her. Flawless guys. Have you not noticed this? No, I haven't. Stop looking at your students that closely.

Most of our kids are like acne ridden gross. I didn't even notice that. He doesn't notice kids. He's got face blindness. I've got child blindness. I just hope all of my classes are empty. Damn, no kids again. Sir, we're here.

You're scared. A lot of our students are like acne ridden. Would you ever think vampire? Of course not. We're in the daylight. Everything I know about vampires that I have Googled means that once it's his day, they will burn up. Oh man, we're calling the high.

I'm just mopping up the hallway. Could you hold this crucifix while I do it? Sure. Nothing happens. Interesting. What about this? I've got a mouthful of holy water. Can I just spit this in your pocket or what? Nothing happens. I've never seen them eat, I guess, but again, I don't care. I'm not noticing about that. I'm not paying attention to my students either.

Also, they sit in the cafeteria, so you'd probably not notice they're not eating. Although, I'd be like, wait a minute. Also, they sit in the cafeteria, so you'd probably not notice. Although, I'd be like, wait a minute. A lot of them, because they're very, like, bustly. Yeah, they're in great shape. But are they in great shape or that kind of thing? Do they look like they're in great shape? Because if I was teaching health or whatever,

I'd be like, yeah, I've never seen them work. They don't eat a lot. Do they have an eating disorder? What happens if you do an intervention on the Cullens? What do you mean? What am I intervening them for? I'd have to have suspicions, and then I'd have to kind of be like, I'd bring it up to maybe, first off, Esme and Carla,

I like how I'm meeting with you. I'd see them and be like, oh, no. They're all so fucked. They look so fucked. They've got the same skin. He's experimenting. How come they're adopted kids? They're experimenting on themselves.

He did it to himself and his wife. And his kids. He's fucked. This guy's fucked. It is the funniest thing to be like, they're like, they're our adopted kids, but they have exactly the same complexion. Yeah. You could just say they're your kids.

Yes. Then they'd have to stop fucking. Ah, that's true. They're not fucking. They're different last names. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those kids aren't fucking. They're different last names. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those kids aren't fucking. But they look the same.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. One's got blonde hair. One's got dark hair. They're different people. I keep thinking about having to discipline Edward Cullen. Carlisle has blonde hair. Yeah. Yeah.

In fact, why didn't you say the other way around? Yeah, I don't know. But imagine disciplining Edward Cullen and him giving you that little smirk he does in the movie. You'd hit him. But he's like, you're like Mr. Cullen. You've had several unexplained absences this week. Can you explain yourself? And he's like, no.

You're expelled. You know that, yeah? I'm going to hit you. You have detention. You know this, right? I need you to once again write me another essay. What do you think these essays are like? Are they good?

I don't know. Are they going to be cursive as hell and I wouldn't even read them? I can't read cursive. No one writes in cursive. What about the third movie? What the fuck happens? Eclipse? What happens at the school?

How are you dealing with Bella being so depressed? Yeah Counseling Yeah, just boot her off to the counselor Yeah And now a quick word from our sponsors In honor of the Plumlight Spectacular that we're doing If you head to sanspantsradio.com forward slash shop

You can grab yourself a Plumlight t-shirt for a limited time only So you can get a t-shirt that's got the Plumlight logo on it You can get a t-shirt that yourself a Plumlight t-shirt for a limited time only. So you can get a t-shirt that's got the Plumlight logo on it. You can get a t-shirt that has the Plumlight logo on it, but no text. If you just want a dirty apple, nothing else. Or you can pretend it's 2008 and Twilight is about Bella choosing between the two Joels instead of a werewolf and a vampire. And you can get yourself a Team Joel t-shirt or a Team Joel T-shirt, and you can show which Joel you would choose

if you were caught in that love triangle. So, once again, that's santspantsradio.com slash shop to grab your Plumlight T-shirt today. And it doesn't happen, though. No, no, no, no. Well, she wasn't lucky enough to have Mr. Joel Boucher for a biology teacher. Hey, sad girl.

You're sadder than normal. What's going on? In the teacher's lounge, you would have a lot of gossip with a lot of teachers to be like, either like, oh my God, they broke up, and then sad. Because that just happens in the teacher's lounge. I'm not there because I got fired for giving Edward a crucifix. They thought I was trying to push religion on him. Yeah, we are a denomination of church.

It's not denominational. Okay, this is agnostic. Yeah, whatever. But Yeah. We are a generation of church. It's not denominational. Okay. This is, it's a, yeah, whatever. But yeah, we are a public school.

Yeah. I was trying to see if it's a vampire. What are you talking about? Where is daylight? Yeah. So, what? It is daylight currently.

You're still fired. You fucking hear. He's like, look, they're never here for, I guess like school photo day. That's strange. Vampires. Why are you never here for I guess like school photo day That's strange Vampires

Why are you still here? I would I don't know which way is out I found myself back In the teacher's lounge What happened to you? You would be chatting About like maybe

Because again You'd be like I don't know what this like I don't know what Bella sees In this Edward fellow He's so weird and creepy Why isn't she dating That weird guy

Who is like Vomits at that movie Yeah That weenum kid But would you think about Would you think about it much? Nah Or would it just be like

The thing you idly thought about When you were in But you would like There's like so many students there Yeah There's probably better drama Happening in the student You know

Natural like student drama Yeah yeah I'll be like Yeah Valedictorian It's gonna be her Yeah yeah Her speech is gonna be very annoying Oh it's gonna be her yeah her speech is gonna be

very annoying oh it's gonna be the worst speech although there's never a good and then I would be thinking there's never a good valedictorian speech

because it's you're giving the smartest kid in the school a speech oh my god and usually the smart kids they think that they're like the ones that like the victim

like and they think that they're like they're the ones that were picked on and shit and then one of the kids would be like Mr. Douche are we here

and you'd be like no sorry I have child life sitting there in like the staff room playing like you know valedictorian speech bingo what do you reckon

the dumb fuck's gonna say what do you reckon she'll say that school was the favourite years of her life even though she's 18 and she spent 12 of those at school

yeah dear she's gonna be like it's the best years of my life she don't fucking's 18. And she spent 12 of those at school. She's gonna be like, it's the best year of my life. She don't fucking know. Well, what happens in Eclipse then? What happens in Eclipse at the school? There's a mass murderer going around. That's a worry. Isn't it just bears?

That was the second one. No, they say they're like, they're worried. It's either something like something or a very prolific mass murderer. And that's on the news multiple times and no one responds to it. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

They're like, is it a bear or a wolf or some shit? But they're like, lots of people dying in Fox, you know, the authorities are suspicious. Bear, wolf or serial killer? You'd be like, you can't. Yeah, two of those. I mean, if a bear or a wolf is killing that many people, also bad, but serial killer is very alarming. Serial killer's got a plan and

thinking. Yeah. Are they going after mostly teens? Yeah. The victims? What are they? Not really. They just kind of kill indiscriminately. Secretly the newborns. Have they killed a teen? As a teen, I'd be worried.

The first murderer is a teen. He's missing though. He's not dead. Do they lock down the school? There's a lot of confirmed missing. They should lock down the school. No, they don't do shit. They should do a lot, actually. In fact, that's when the valedictorian speech happens. In the middle of the mass murder. Oh, mate, yeah, they should have shut that

down. And then it's, like, then it's out of your hands, right? Like, Bella gets married, but you're like, well, it's fucked up. To be like, my god, like, not only is this like, not only are these kids, like, marrying each other, like, the person they met in high school, that's sad, but they're doing it

basically straight away. Oh, yeah. Fucking idiots. I guess for you. I give them two years. Yeah. I would just be, I would say exactly what Bella says. She doesn't want to get married for it at the start of a clip.

So I'm like, he knocked her up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. Oh, yeah. You would basically. Oh, God, they knocked, yeah, he knocked her up. And their parents are fucking uber religious. I knew it. Some kind of weird cult.

Some kind of weird cult. And then I think at that point, I'm like, I failed that girlber religious. I knew it. Some kind of weird cult. Some kind of weird cult. And then I think at that point, I'm like, hmm, I failed that girl. Good. That's true. You would think that. And in many ways, you did. You could have saved her. I could have been like, excuse me, Miss Swan, don't talk to this freak. And when you're expelled. Yeah. Miss Swan,

what are you doing? All it would have taken is you're like, I'm so sorry, Edward, the bellow was so stinky. I'll move her to the back of the class. And then you're good. There doesn't seem to be any positive teacher or adult role model that Bella has to confide in in any way, shape, or form. Even though, like... She confides in her mom in clips who's basically like...

Her mom is so happy she's getting married. It's insane. It's great. Her mom's like, oh, yeah, you're getting married. It's insane. Her mum's like, oh yeah, you're getting married. This fucker just slapped so hard. You have like dad on one side and Charlie on the other side who's like, I've lost control of my life. Yeah, Charlie's probably like, are you sure you really want to do that?

He fights so hard for like the first three movies, but the back two he's like, well, it's out of my hands. He's like giving his ex a side eye to be like, why the fuck are you so happy? Why are we allowing this? He's the only sensible man in the entire film. He's just so just like, all right. But unfortunately, he also falls down in this series

because in the first film, due to the actors being experienced and they're both being awkward around each other, it comes across as flirting. Yeah, there's a weird chemistry. But it stops after Twilight, but in Twilight it does seem like they're going to fuck. Which is a bit of a theme for the couple.

Guess his turn's just different. Or I guess that's how they do it in this family. Then you've nudged Janet up. Ferris Bueller. And I'm like, how do I get out? I've been here for years. Okay, what about if you worked with Carlisle? So if I work with Carlisle, I'd be like, man, he's young.

He looks so young. Personal, like your confidence dashed instantly. Again, talking in like, I guess the staff room or like after work drinks or whatever. My patient died today. Yeah. Hopefully doing everything quite well but then he'd be like he's is he like what is his success right is he a good doctor yeah you know what would be weird about carlisle is you'd never do anything social with him no you'd never do after work drinks the doctors go out together though yeah

like they know if gray's anatomy has taught me anything Grey's Anatomy has taught me anything. Yes. If Scrubs has taught me anything, it's that Zach Braff sucks. That's fair. And also that maybe doctors fuck on shift rather than saving my life. That's also what Grey's Anatomy has taught me. Yeah, yeah. Grey's Anatomy also teaches you that doctors die in helicopter crashes and get eaten by bears. Yeah, yeah. That's also in ER, though.

Oh! Yeah, ER though Oh ER The ER helicopter crash scene Do you know about that Jackson? There's a man in ER Whose mortal enemies Is helicopters And it fucking rolls

A guy gets killed by a helicopter But the scene's shot like He's being chased by a shark Or something Yeah But you So you're missing the great part He's actually

Like before this He gets killed by a helicopter He got his arm taken off by helicopter a previous season and no one gives him sympathy or care because everyone hates him

and everyone is basically on team helicopter. What? And then he's like, he's got PTSD from helicopter and he goes up and he's got one arm, of course,

because of that and he sees the helicopter and he's got to go out there and he's like, nah. It's really windy and the helicopter's struggling to land.

Nah, the helicopter's off and I can't deal with this. So he gets out of the helicopter and he's got to go out there he's like it's really windy and the helicopter's struggling he's like nah the helicopter's off i can't deal with this so he gets out he gets out the hospital he runs downstairs he's like to the bottom floor and he sits there he's like oh fuck i can't deal with helicopter helicopter it's like not today buddy falls off the roof off the roof lanes on him that's a real scene for me oh no one cares that's really good. And also, no one knows he's dead as well, because he wasn't meant to be under a helicopter. So they don't know that he's dead until

way later. Fuck. Because he is one of the most hated men in here, no one cares. That fucking rules. Yeah, helicopter finally got him. You can run for as long as you like. Helicopter comes for all of us in the end.

Do you think you would ever invite yourself to Carlisle's place? Just out of curiosity. Hey man, can I come over for a drink? Hey, do you want to come over for a drink? Or do you want to hang out? Anything like that. Especially if he's a nice guy. He seems like a nice enough guy. But you could weasel your way to his house

first of all you're like come to mine for drinks he's like well i gotta be polite he does and then you're like next one's at yours buddy that's true and then the next time you see him at work you're like so when are we doing the one at yours i'm a drunk yeah well i think it's if i got it like again they'd have to be so prepared to bring like a human to their house yeah because if I see his perfect sweet I'm like man you'd be stealing

you know they make all that Italian food for Bella you get there they've just made a bunch of Maltese food I'm like sweet I guess

I mean Maltese food's good that's pretty good I'm happy with this but again yeah I don't know with what you would see with this guy

because again does he what is again, does he... What is his practice? He works at the hospital, yeah. Yeah. But does he also work from home? I don't think so. No, I think the birthing suite is literally just that he stole shit.

He racked it from the hospital. Yeah, I think he just racked it from the hospital. Because of Bella. He didn't realize until like... That was a very quick thieving. You're walking around his house with a wine. He's telling you everything. One door's ajar.

You look and you're like, that's the fucking birthing suite from the hospital. That's the birthing suite that got racked earlier today. Hey, Carl, buddy. Are you stealing? Carlos, my fella. My dude. Oh, Carl, boy.

And it's cool if you are, but if you're still like- Carlos, why a birthing suite? Is this a cult? Is this a- You- Because a birthing suite does not help the cult image. Yeah, it makes sense if you are a cult. You're pregnanting everyone.

You're only giving birth- Be straight with me. You're pregnanting everyone? And you're here, so you give birth to them, so they're off the record, so you don't have any- You're giving birth to everyone in the cult? You shouldn't have a baby, Carlos. Everyone's giving birth here. You're off the record so you don't have any you're giving birth to everyone in the cult you shouldn't have a baby carl everyone's you get everyone giving birth here you're taking the baby they're off the record then you're doing what with the babies what are

you doing the babies carl somehow just like the your coffee the way you've described this we've both had carlisle's giving birth to everyone and everyone's giving birth to carlisle everyone birthed you out carl everyone's giving birth to you at that point? Is that what's happening? I'm freaking out, Carlisle! Carlisle, Amy, have you? You're getting born? You're getting born, Carlisle? It's one of those cults where everybody borns you, gets born to you?

Is that what's happening? So it's one of them cults that you're fucking everyone, yeah, and I guess accidentally or maybe deliberately. And the baby is huge, Carlisle? You're impregnating everyone. You come out little and then get huge again, Carlisle? Is that what happens? Like one of those e-shrinky dicks, you put them in a bit of water and they just grow? impregnating everyone. You come out little and then get huge again, Carlisle? Is that what happens?

Like one of those shrinky dinks, you put them in a bit of water, and you're a sea monkey, Carlisle. You're a sea fucking monkey. Surely you'd be like, he's got a birthing suite. This is weird. Yeah.

Are you in a cult? Yeah, are you impregnating people? People are giving birth, and you want that off the record, right? So where are the babies, Carlisle? What are the babies? What are the babies of you for, Carla? Where are the babies, Carla? Are you feeding them to all those wolves in the forest that we hear?

But I don't know. Like, yes, you might be suspicious, but he is a doctor. And, like, he seems like he's been doing it for a long time. But does he, again, if he has, like, a private practice. But he shouldn't have that vibe. He's 23. He should seem like he's been doing it for zero time. How old does he say he is?

He would have to say he's 30. Or even older. Be like, yeah, I'm like 35 or nearly 40 or something. And you're just like, oh, wow. I'm 75. Oh, this is his real age. I'm 400. And then you, well, I mean, that's maybe.

If I don't go to his house, which is a very, very probably like. It's an unlikely scenario. It's an unlikely scenario to go to his house. So if I'm just. Yeah, he's way more likely to be like, yeah, come to a bar. Let's go to his house, which is a very, very probably like, um, it's an unlikely scenario. It's an unlikely scenario to go to his house. So yeah, he's way more likely to be like, yeah, come to a bar. Let's go. I'm just dealing with him at work. Again, what is his specialization? Do we know?

It probably, yeah. Yeah. I'm sure you can find it. Cause I, again, it's a sucking blood like a leech because he's, he's, he's very well connected. Hmm. Cause I guess we've had 400 years of networking. Yeah, yeah. Or whatever in the hospital, like very low level or whatever.

And he's kind of like, oh, he's got a lot of connections. And he's very knowledgeable, not just in his field. But also what you've got to think about, what's weird about all the Cullens is that these aren't people that, like, they have arrived semi-recently. So, like, as students, all of a sudden they're there. And they're fucking, and I hate it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fair enough. We all do.

And at the hospital, all of a sudden Carlisle's here. Yeah, but a transit from another hospital is not that weird. That's true. That's true. It would be. Yeah, yeah, I suppose. I suppose. And depending how old he says he is.

I would say 30 or 35. I don't know if it's his real name, but it's the alias by the Voltaris. Stragon Benefico. That would be his vampire name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stragon Benefico. Okay. Yeah.

So he was a pastor in his human life. Yeah. He was a university teacher. Okay. And also a vampire hunter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A physician. Yeah.

Physician. Okay. So what's a physician? What's a physician? What is what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A physician. Yeah. Physician, okay. So, what's a physician? What's a physician? What is what? Yeah, I don't know. I think a physician is just, like, basic doctor, right? Like, general practice, basically.

But, like, not a GP, but still general practice. You know what I mean? What kind of doctor is he? He's a surgeon. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, doctor and surgeon. Okay. Well, that's all right. Yeah. Okay. So yeah, doctor and surgeon. Okay.

Well, that's all right then. He comes in, he does the surgery. He's got some freaky kids, but like. Yeah. Yeah. So if I'm working with like, I guess I wouldn't know much about it in terms of his kids and that because he'd just be kind of like helping out the community. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. The one thing that would be like, oh, he's, he's done work. Yes. He's got work done slash he's doing work and he's, oh, he's Way, way. The one thing that would be like, oh, he's done work. Yes. He's got work done slash he's doing work. And he's, oh, he's got his kids. Yeah. If I had caught, like, his kids when they come in or something.

Yeah, for sure. You really wouldn't know much, to be honest. And, like, Bella. Maybe you'd be, like, more, more. The thing you'd notice more would be, like, man, we're getting a lot of wolf bites in this hospital. Oh, God. People keep coming in, like, bit to shit. Yeah.

We got another wolf bite. Another one Well no Because forks already know About the wolf They're just like The forest is fucking The woods is fucking

Littered with wolves Because they hear them at night Yeah that's true So many wolves But wolves aren't typically That aggressive These ones are Yeah

Yeah yeah Plus anytime you'd be This is more like Maybe you have a coroner Because they'd be getting the dead ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd just be getting – yeah. And I guess it's very unlikely for a werewolf to leave somebody alive.

Or a vampire. Or a vampire. So you just don't get them. So I guess actually your life as a doctor working alongside Carlisle is pretty chill. Yeah, I think it really like – Just like, oh, this guy is a bit of a weirdo, but whatever, we're doctors and all of them are. He says he's like 35 or 40,

but he looks not a day over 23. Yeah, yeah. I got to get the number of his plastic surgery. Absolutely. That's all I would be thinking. Yeah, he's too beautiful. I think if I was Carlisle, I would say 30, because I think 30 is safe.

I'd say 33. The age of Jesus. The whole sentence? Yeah. How old are you? I'm 33. The age of Jesus. The whole sentence? Yeah. How old are you? I'm 33. The age of Jesus. String me up.

Weird comparison. Yeah, I can wear a crucifix. It doesn't hurt me at all. Because like a normal human would. I've met Pontius Pilate. I'm old. I hear that. The janitor moved here.

Wait a fucking second. What is he saying there? What is he saying there? Why would he bring that up? That's weird. Yeah, I think as a doctor, I think you wouldn't, working with Carlisle or like assisting to Wait a fucking second. What is he saying there? Why would he bring that up? Yeah, I think as a doctor, I think you wouldn't, working with Carlisle, or like assistants of Carlisle, you probably wouldn't notice much.

No, no, he would just be a weird guy you work with. And you might know about the Cullens, because everybody seemed to, but not like on like a grand level. You'd just be like, oh yeah, they're his kids. And then some would be like, oh, he adopted them. Oh wow, that's nice, I guess. Surface level. Very surface level.

I know that you said forest guy or whatever, but we'll get to that in a second, because we know that, and this is worrying, because Charlie knows who the Cullens are from being a cop. So that means the town are aware of him. You're aware of them, I think. You'd think, because they're not breaking the law. Well, it would have been a big deal when the Cullens arrived, right?

Because they're rich and weird. The house that they buy, did they build it? I think they bought it. So that house existed. They've owned it before, and what did they use it for? Because again, it is a beautiful house. You just assume that a very wealthy, very weird

family has moved into town. And then they're very attractive. They've got some good-looking kids, you know. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, I guess. I'm like, bad. You know, you say, oh, it's a good-looking kid. No. I've got child blindness.

I don't think I've ever said that in my life. In fact, I would never say that. And if I was you, I wouldn't think I've ever said that in my life. Yeah, I would. In fact, I would never say that. And if I was you, I wouldn't say it again. Yeah, thank God you probably just told that between two friends. It's all right. The microphone's in. Pick that one up. Sounds good to me.

As long as no one else hears anyone say that. I'm in the clear. Might say cute family. I feel like I have in my life heardard people say oh you got some good looking kids Yeah something like that But almost like oh the app wasn't full Yeah yeah yeah for sure But that's because you're kind of hitting on

Carla or Esme Hoping to be invited away Hoping if there may be I would try a different tactic Hey is your fucked up cult looking for another guy to fuck yeah you all seem beautiful you all get in there yeah do

you want to be beautiful too do you want any of this will I just be unsatisfying yeah let's find out yeah but yeah I think it would be like they would move in you'd be

like it'd be kind of like the talk of the town for like a bit yeah there's not much happens in walks yeah and then like a year in you'd just be like oh yeah they're the collins they're they're they're just the local freaks yeah they're freaks whatever working at the hospital something you'd be like oh like because again i'm like oh you don't see them coming in for a checkup whatever but you don't do that at a hospital no no no you would assume it was happening elsewhere or even if you were worried you'd be like carlisle i guess it's like why would i be worried i don't give a shit yeah

yeah absolutely you wouldn't because it would affect you yeah they're not really doing much for the community in like in terms of like they're they're not running events so they're not running any kind of things to kind of like and there's no real kind of uh like community events that even happen for them to be part of. There's no like, hey, we're doing the annual Forks, I don't know, Apple Pickin' Day. Or like, hey, it's Soupfest 2020. Come on down.

Forks Soupfest. Like, what the fuck is going on in Forks? Nothing. Nothing. Forks would be fair. Forks would be like, why didn't the Cullens come to Soupfest this year? I'm suspicious of the Cullens.

You're like, oh, why? Cause they're all the same like strange pale shade. No, no, no, no, no, no. Cause the kids are all fucking, no, no, no, no, no. Were you at Soupfest last year? Yeah, of course, there's nothing else to do. Did you see the Cullens? Oh, well fuck me.

Did they know that Soupfest was on? I mean did they see the flights? Home of the many delicious soups of Forks. Well, fuck me. Did they know that Soup Fest was on? Did they know? Home of the many delicious soups of Forks. Yeah, the five soups of Forks Fest. Yeah. There's five soups. Tomato, pumpkin. Peas.

Peas. Peas and ham. And ham. You know. And then obviously they do. I was there. I know. We were all there. We were all there.

We were all there. We all sampled the soups. Quite every year. If I had to rank them, I'd go one. Did you see the Collins anywhere? Them is on these five soups. Did anyone invite them? Did they know about the soups? Oh my God.

I know there was flyers and we gave them. We've become lax because everyone just knows it happens. But then you. Did anyone flyer? I love you being like, no, no, no. We gave them, you know, but we don't, we become lax because everyone just knows it happens. But there you go. Did anyone flyer? I love you being like, no, no, no.

We gave them like you at the school. I'm like, Hey, Edward, he's a flyer. I'll see you at soup first. Yeah. Five soups.

They brought in the fourth, the fifth one this year. That's my favorite trio. P's, P's at AM and AM. Greatest trio of soups there is. The trio of soups. Exactly.

Hey, Carlisle, see your soup bust. Slap, slap. Soup bust. We're going to go crazy. Yeah. First one, you have like a bit of pea soup. You're like, oh, it's pretty good. Yeah.

Second one, you're like, ooh, bit of ham. That's quite nice. Then you're like, wait, did they just? They did. No. Oh, my God. Oh, I love soup fests. Fucking soup fests, you've done it again. Another year, another home run.

Edward Cullen, F. Why am I getting this? Didn't see you at soup fest, Edward Cullen. Okay, hey, Edward, do you know that? Rank the soups real quick. Go on, go on. List the soups. How many soups have we got?

What are the five soups? No, yeah, nothing. I can the five soups? Yeah, nothing I can't remember soups Yeah, the F stands for Fuck you, Edward Coming to our town And you're spitting out traditions If you were just

Working with like Again, you have more Interaction as a teacher As you would Working with like Dr. Carlo Absolutely Well, what about me in the woods?

As a partner The woods is where it happens Mold to death by a wolf. I'm standing there with a torch from the side. The biggest, like, I guess, all Victoria pops up and brains you. Ma'am. What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got eaten by a newborn. I like to think the first time I think anything sucks is when I see Edward and Bella climbing a tree together. What the hell? Get to the bottom of the tree. Did he call her a spider monkey? What the fuck?

Imagine if you were that- Hey, you kids. Interrupting that scene is funny. Imagine interrupting or just being the free soloer. Yeah. Climbing that. Yeah, yeah. Because for some reason, Forks has some great, I guess, mountains to climb as a free soloer.

Absolutely. But yeah, even that, you'd be like, did I see something? Did I see? Are there people in the woods? Are there? Because, I mean, God, what would you think was happening there? Like, if you knew the Cullens existed and you thought they were a cult and then you were in the woods and you started to see a bunch of strangers in the woods, what would you think was going on?

I would get out of forks. Because you've got the wolf tribe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, they're always just running around shirtless in jorts. Yeah. And look, I don't know their customs and maybe I shouldn't judge that they're all shirtless in jorts yeah and look I don't know their customs and maybe I shouldn't like judge that they're all

shirtless in jorts I don't know if jorts is like an indigenous kind of it just seems strange that they're all they love their jorts they're always in jorts

but also like I might open up a jorts store I might capitalise on this that's clever especially if you I mean like if they're

I'm a side hustle as a doctor I might be like you know what I, if they, I have a side hustle as a doctor, I might be like, you know what, I've seen a lot of, it's awesome to be a doctor with a side hustle. What else?

Poisoned Jorts. I reckon Jorts are coming back. I'm gonna make a, I'm gonna make a small business. Doctors often, I'm in a lot of debt, do have a hard,

I'm having so much debt. Yeah, you have no idea. But the side hustle's usually skimming prescription medicine and selling it. Yeah, I also do that. Yeah, obviously the side hustles usually skimming prescription medicine and selling it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll do that. Yeah, obviously.

Honestly- Who do you think Dr. Carlisle is getting his meds off? Dr. Carlisle has got himself in some complicated situation where to keep up the ruse, he has to keep buying medicine from you. Yeah, I guess in the woods I see one big wolf I get eaten in the end. He has to keep up the ruse. He has to keep buying medicine from you. Yeah, I guess in the woods, I see one big wolf I get eaten in the end. Well, they leave footprints.

Like, there is that scene. I would be confused. That would be like something's happening. You'd be like, there is a huge wolf. There is a Bigfoot around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not a Bigfoot, a Bigwolf. Yeah. Like, you'd see the-

You'd see the giant paw prints. Yeah, but it's paw prints, not a Bigfoot. I'd be like, well, you know what? Maybe I'll quit working in the forest. A Bigfoot could be a wolf. Bigfoot could have wolf legs. You don't know. Have you seen Bigfoot?

I've seen that famous footage. Yeah. Patterson Gimlet looks back. What? What? Hey, he's being cheeky. He's like a ooh. Get out of here, Bigfootfoot i think if i worked in the

forest department of forks i would be exactly the same but i would be constantly shitting myself because i would be like nobody understands how big how big the wolves are and how dangerous everybody's so plazay when somebody gets mauled to death by a wolf they have no idea no one has seen these wolves but i've seen but I've seen their shits. Yeah, yeah. I've seen... I saw a shit that was a giant wolf that halfway through

it looked almost like it turned into a man. Yeah, it turned into a man turn. But also, from what I can tell, it was a whole dog? A whole... I saw a whole shat dog in the woods. Okay? Untrue.

It was covered in wolf shit, but then halfway through, man shit. The tail turned into a man shit. My life in Forks is a lot of meetings with my supervisor where he's like, you got to stop saying this shit. But dad, I've got the pictures on my phone. I will stop saying it when it stops happening. And unfortunately, today is not that day. Yeah. Do you not constantly hear the people yelling and the wolves howling in the woods? Okay.

Because the werewolves don't eat people. They don't bite people. They don't attack people. They're very only attacking. Yeah. Because they're meant to be protectors of the town. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you ever stumble across, I guess, a half-chewed vampire? Well. Because they eat James's mate. Yeah. As in, like, not Victoria, but he's a good friend. Yeah.... Because they eat James's mate. Yeah. As in, like, not Victoria, but he's a good friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The other guy, yeah.

Do I cover it up? What happens to the vampires? Because they turn to stone? Do they turn to dust? Yeah, but the wolves would then just turn back to Guy. They ate him, didn't they? Yeah. How'd they kill him?

Stone shits? Stone shits? Does vampires turn to stone when you break off their head? I come into my supervisor's office and just slam a stone shit who's crazy now what is this I don't fucking know it's a stone shit you are definitely fine yeah we all the other people stuck it mold do vampires turn into stone when they die they seem like they're always made of stone yeah just like when they get their neck snapped and arms torn off it's like like a yeah it's like

yeah but that's what i mean but like glassy sound yeah yeah i don't know when you burn them they die like they turn to dust but like maybe that's maybe to be honest i'd find a lot of ash in the wood of the vampires because presumably they burn the bodies off yeah the way you kill a vampire is by like decapitation then burn and burn, then you decapitate them so they don't run away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I guess I find a lot of ash in the wood. Because one thing I don't understand with this, and this is not a Forks me being like, what the fuck is

going on in Forks? If you tear off a vampire's head, you're done. But then you don't burn it. Yeah. I think they can... Well, they can use their venom to reattach themselves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Their fucking head. Well, I think someone needs to grab their head and put it on someone else could do it I guess I don't know if they like use their tongue

to roll it out to their body you can't lick your own neck or can they control watch me snap oh my god podcast over can they control their body? What do you mean? Like if they got

Decapitated Could they Get their body I don't know Maybe And then what Lick their own hand And then rub their neck

And then pop their head back on Yeah I don't know They could probably figure it out But as far as I know It's not happening In the Twilight movies Yeah

Yeah Cause they still Cause apparently they can still Reattach their arms and shit. And I guess the reason why they have to burn them off, they cut their head off, is because I guess they could come back. Yeah. But how?

Unless they get in their body to be like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I assume they would get a friend. Well, I guess like the covens. Yeah, that's why you should probably have a mate. Yeah, yeah. You have a travel buddy. Yeah.

Well, I mean, all vampires do. The body system works. Yeah. Just in case you get the calcite and they can put your head back on. Yeah. L have a travel buddy. Well, I mean, all vampires do. The buddy system works. Just in case you get the they can put your head back on. Lick your neck and... Yeah, good buddy, welcome back. Oh, shit.

Also, don't vampires... I was going to say, don't vampires want to die, but I feel like that's a bit simplified. Edward doesn't care. Edward is... He just doesn't want to die because I think he's afraid he'll go to hell. Yeah, he thinks he's destined for the pit. He's gonna.

We're all going to hell. Is that one sweet Bocari guy? Jesus Christ can get crucified as much as he wants, but there is too many sins committed by me personally. Yeah. I do this for mankind. Not Dushan. He's on his own.

Best of luck, my dude. Peace out. He does the shakas with his arms on the crucifix and dies. He died early. I'm standing watching this being like, that does not bode well for me. So you forgive the guys that

literally nailed you to that cross, but not me? Yep. He's dead dude. Fuck. Would we attend Bella's wedding? You might. This is Carlisle's, you know. A friend, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No. Yeah. Free drinks, right? Open wine you've snuck in. Yeah. I guess the weird thing, forks would just be, yeah. An 18 year old getting married though is weird.

Yeah. It would be hard. It would feel real bad. It would feel real bad. No, but as in like, there's a chance teachers would get invited. Of course.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. You would be invited. Maybe I'd go, cause I'd be like, I want to see this fucked up.

I want to make sure everything's okay. Yeah. There is so many people there. Yeah, it's huge. That's why maybe I do get an invite. If an 18 year old sends me an invite, and says, come to my wedding. I want to make sure everything's okay. There is so many people there. Yeah, it's huge. That's why maybe I do get an invite. If an 18-year-old

sends me an invite and says, come to my wedding, I'm like, stop getting married. It's the Cullens. And they're the talk of the town because they're very rich.

Oh yeah, good point. Plus, because they're very rich, you'd be like, I want to check out their house. I would get maybe a drunken sneak in. Maybe they've got all the relatives

I haven't met yet. Yeah. Is there a Mrs. Sister car while. But I think, again, if the three of us went to their wedding, we'd all be at the back, open bar, be like, oh, my God. I would be running bets on how long this marriage would last. I would maybe be like, here's a year. I'd give them one.

No. She's pregnant for sure. She's not the size of the wolves are to fall in love? Here are the three. Three years. No one will listen to me. How big's an old wolf? I don't know.

What are you talking about? There's a fucking thing. I'm a sad drunk. I've talked to some of the guys down in the morgue. The wolves are fucking huge. There was that, like, you know the time with the serial killer, maybe with the big bear? What the fuck was happening? I was found, look guys, I was fucking, this is going to sound crazy.

No, no, no, no. What a stone shit. What? I don't know. Because the guy from the morgue was saying, he was like, he's fucking like rib cage ripped open. Something's going on, guys. But like, no one, there was no bite marks, like, no one ate it. Like a wolf or a bear would eat it, right?

Yeah. But then what the fuck was that? I don't know. Our school remained open. Yeah, I saw. I said, my kids, why were they there? We should maybe leave Forks. Shit weather.

Yeah. Full of freaks. So many freaks. Ugly town. Let's go. But, soup fest. Just when I thought I was out, I dragged back in by the five different soups.

Next year there might be a sixth soup. Don't get me. Pea, ham and pineapple. Oh my God. Don't talk fucking crazy to me like that. Do you know how long it took to get ham put in as one of the soups? Ham installed. That means before ham was installed, there was three soups. No, there was four soups. Ham installed. That means before ham was installed,

there was three soups. No, there was four soups. Yeah. But it's ham and pea and ham. Yeah, they hadn't figured out how the soups came along. It was pea, hot water. No. What was the other soups?

There was. What are the soups? Pumpkin. Yeah. Tomato. Yeah. Pekin. Yeah. Tomato. Yeah. Pea. Yeah.

Pea and ham. Ham. And then they figured out how to remove the ham from the pea and ham and to turn it into its own soup. Yeah. That was a hallmark day. Yeah. The problem with Errol and Fawkes is they added the ham to the soup.

They were just instinctively. They'd be like, like oh it happened again they don't know how to do this oh next year I've only got enough ham for the peon ham and the fact that the Cullens don't care would make me

want to leave even more can't we just bring the beautiful tradition of soup fest somewhere else I reckon we could yeah fuck this town

yeah the town is crap but not because of the Cullens no this is a bad town. I wonder what Soupfest is like at Knife LA. Yeah, it's just a bit dull. We've got this wolf problem no one seems to care about. No one's talking about.

There's like little boys running around shirtless with jorts. Yeah. Like I'm making a killing on my jort business, but I don't feel good about it. That's good, man. I'm happy for you. They go through so many. Look, I don't know if I should say this because again like they're they're paying

customers yeah each one buys about three jorts a week yeah that's weird yeah right like you you need to buy jorts once one time in your life you buy jorts maybe twice it takes a long time for jorts to go bad yeah that's the whole that's the only appeal of jorts yeah

you buy you buy one pair of jorts and they look fucking sick that's the deal yeah you buy one pair I mean if you put on some weight or you lose some weight

maybe you buy another pair of jorts but you just get them taken in and out imagine seeing all the but yeah they go through three a week three a week imagine seeing all the Jacob

like the wolf boys in their jean shorts and you're like, I guess shorts are back and you buy some yourself. You just go, hey guys. And they look down at you with your pasty white one. Jorts aren't back, are they? Your gut hanging over the jorts? Is this? I was under the impression jorts were back.

You were wrong. This makes your continued wearing of jorts even more confusing you understand that right as the park ranger though if i'm being that way going through so many jorts you might be like i come across so much jort material in the woods is happening wait a second destroyed jorts i find in the woods you're saying so you're saying you see a bunch of just destroyed jorts. Yeah. So those kids are doing it.

Yeah. They're buying all the jorts. They're buying the jorts to destroy the jorts in the woods. Why? Do I not understand kids anymore? Are they buying jorts? Is this instead of graffiti-ing? Do I need to maybe get a lower quality of jort then?

You just saved me so much money. I'm not saying this, but in my head, I'm like, I guess they don't care about quality. Because they're teens, and they're constantly walking around being mostly naked. It's a fuck. It has to be a fuck thing. Are we on the second cult?

There are two cults in this town. Do we have a jort wearing jort destroying cult in the woods? I'd be like, are you fucking kidding me? Two cults? We get five soups and two cults? One cult, they're all fucking and the other's going and destroying jorts in the woods. It's a kind of jort sacrifice? Is that what's happening?

It's a kind of jort sacrifice and you're getting plastic surgery? You get the jort sacrifice and you get plastic surgery over there, but you've got to be adopted maybe? I don't know. It seems easy to get into. Should we destroy some jorts? This town's fucked up. What the fuck is going on in Forks? Is it always one place you see the jorts?

No, they're spread around. How are they destroyed? The jorts and the ash. There's a lot of jorts and ash together. Are they building the jorts? No, the jorts are fine. The jorts are the ash. There's a lot of jorts and ash together. Are they burning the jorts? No, the jorts are fine. The jorts are intact, just exploded, and the ash is sort of spread around. Bombs?

They're exploding the- Are they blowing them up like fireworks or something? Here's what it seems like. It seems like they light a little fire and tear the jorts apart. And then they pack up the fire but leave the ash and the jorts. I was like, is it like a firework thing? Occasionally there's a bit of blood. Okay, occasionally there's a bit of blood.

I don't know what's happening. I don't know what the kids are doing. I never catch them in the act. Maybe they're putting like fireworks or something in jorts. Yeah. Lighting it and then watching the jorts explode. But we don't hear explosions. We hear wolf howls.

Us like leaving the wedding to go to the woods, wrapping jorts around the fireworks and setting it off. Yeah. Huh, that wasn't anything. Was that fun? Yeah. That just caught the jorts on fire. Caught the jorts on fire in that tree and on.

It's very funny to imagine, yeah, we burned down the forest and there's just wolf boys and vampires fighting. What? What do you mean? I don't know what this is. Wolf boys, vampires fighting. Someone's fucking holding the baseball bat. What is going on?

Are you the guys destroying all the jorts? Someone's fucking running up a cliff face. What is happening? All the teens in Forks are fucked. We've got a bunch of freaks. It's all freaks all the way down. I turned out Forks was a circus town.

Full of circus freaks. It drives us insane and we leave. This is best. This is best. Let's take our super and leave. Okay is best. This is best. Let's take our soup and leave. Okay. Interesting. This is circus town.

Am I the clown? I feel like I might be the clown. I'm wearing clown feet apparently. Yeah, yeah. Look at these fucking shoes. Enjoy the town car while you practice. Okay. Have a good life.

Bye. We're going. I think that's what will probably happen. That's what everyone in Forks feels like Very confused Absolutely lost the whole time This has full on fucked me up Well and on that note I've been Joel

I've been Jackson And I've also been Joel And this has been part 3 of our world famousfamous miniseries, Plumlight. Stay tuned next week for part four. You may be wondering why the energy's a bit fucked up. We've recorded all these in one sitting. It's late. That's probably about 10 p.m.

Yeah, 10.30 p.m. 10.30 p.m. We've done four hours of Twilight and you're listening to it. Enjoy. See you next week. Have anything more to add for today's important question? Just email us at deerplumbingthedeadstar at gmail.com and we'll make sure we circle back and do some addendum.