Plumbing the Death Star - What Do We Do If The Ocean Gets a Skin Like Custard?

Episode Date: April 3, 2022

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you're listening to the sans pants network home of comedy culture adventures and ghosts hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star my name is joel my name is jackson my name is earl trying to be a better person and here on plumbingumbing the Death Star, we ask the important questions. And let me tell you, this is important as fuck.

So actually, I'll back it up a little bit. On Plumbing the Death Star, we ask important questions. And a lot of the time, they just come from us. But sometimes we're like, hey, listeners of the show,

what important questions are you kicking around? And this time, the Macaroni Prince on the Sam Smith Radio Discord hit us with this. A question that I imagine just scrawled on his walls. What do we do if the ocean gets a skin like custard? So, first of all, what the fuck? Second of all, why are we doing this?

Two questions that we both, everyone, listeners, us, just ask ourselves. That's cool. A brand new pop culture podcast. I've listened to this one. I love pop culture. I love movies and comics and TV shows and songs. What's this? Is this a reference to a book?

No. Nah. It should just be a fucked up thing that happened. So, okay. So we wake up one day and we turn on, I don't know, the news. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We don't live by the seas. We wouldn't see it first.

Someone tells us this just in honestly to be honest how would we find out is the first question Twitter is how I would find out like what the fuck do they mean

Twitter TikTok I would be a friend might message me yeah I would be looking at TikTok I'm sorry Twitter even though you are significantly older than me

Joel Zammett so much older like our age gap is disgusting I know so I'm Even though you are significantly older than me, Joel Zammett, so much older. Our age gap is disgusting. I know. I'm old, but you are so old. Even though you are a bit older than me, Joel Zammett, I'm not a TikTok guy, but you're a TikTok guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll check Twitter. I'm like, oh, that's a fucked up thing that happened. I think that if I got served with the sea has a custard skin now. Yeah, like hashtag ocean custard. Yeah. Like hashtag, uh, ocean custard. I'd be like, what?

I think I'd see it in like a meme first on Instagram. Like one of them surreal memes that I'd think would be a joke. Like it's Garfield, but he's deep fried and it's got the caption when the sea be custard. Yeah. It would be like, huh? Okay.

And then later I'd see it on the news and be like, wow, the meme was real. You would see it on the news. Would you, you'd like, you watch the news. then later I'd see it on the news and be like, wow, the meme was real. You would see it on the news, would you? You'd like to watch the news? I watch the news every day. Which news? I need to stay informed.

The Channel 9 News. The Channel 9 News. Who's the host? What time is it on? 730 report. Different show. Different channel. No, yeah, I would see it.

I would see it on Twitter as well, probably. And at what point would you be like, no. At what point would you be like No At what point would you be like It's happened So okay this is I think the big question What is the skin made of Because if they're like Ocean has skin like custard

And there's nothing else in the article I will be like I guess I gotta see this for myself But if like I'm looking to science To tell me what the skin is comprised of First off, alright, so Now this is maybe, maybe you're gonna call me A weird freak Yeah, maybe I will

I'm ready, locked and loaded So maybe you're gonna be like, you're a disgusting little pig of a man And you make me physically want to vomit It's disgusting So I don't like hot custard If I am eating custard, it'll be to be cold. It'll be cold. Cold custard. I can't remember the last time I had hot custard.

I like them both, actually. I eat yoghurt, which is chocolate custard. I can't remember the last time I had yoghurt either. I would not want to heat up yoghurt. No, don't heat up yoghurt. Chug yoghurt in a saucepan. Turn it on. Delicious.

No, yeah, I do not like hot custard. I can't remember the last time I ate custard full stop. Yeah. Custard fucking rolls. Yeah, I love custard. Anyway. I bet you do. So what was it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jackson Bailey loves custard. So I tend to... Water's wet. Okay. I tend to just... So I don't... What is a custard skin?

Because I don't really have I'm assuming custard skin happens when you have a hot custard well it's like a soup skin oh yeah yeah yeah so it's kind of like that it's basically just like that

okay yeah so it's just like a skin or like when milk is like gets a bit of a skin gets a bit of a skin yeah or just like

when a liquid has a skin when you're heating up milk I guess wait is it because that the skin on custard and like milk

and stuff like that and soup like it's not strong no no custard and milk and stuff like that and soup, it's not strong. No. No. So on news reports or when I click on the what the fuck, and I hit the, you know how on Twitter news articles, it's like comment, like, retweet, what the fuck,

and you hit what the fuck, and it brings up more information. Yeah. So I hit that what the fuck. Yeah, and if they were like. And it would be like a one minute clip being like, probably from the BBC being like. Ocean high skin. Scientists are left in disbelief in England.

Yeah. We were here in England and we. Has the soup skin made them fucked? What happened? Yeah. We're in England and we can't figure out... Has the soup skin made them fucked? What happened? Yeah, like a British reporter crouching down, sort of like doing a squat in a kind of like that beige overcoat. Here at the BBC, we can't figure out what is happening here,

but the sea appears to have skin like custard. Here we are reporting from Brighton Beach. The ocean appears to have formed some kind of skin like an ocean. We are asking the locals if maybe it was the poor's fault. In my hands, I have a skin of the ocean like a custard. And those in the studio, I just cannot believe what I'm seeing. If you come, follow me quite closely. Here we are on the shore. If you look at these waves, you can see the skin of the ocean crashing into the sand.

These thick folds of custard skin lining the beach. Once again, we need to ask ourselves, is this because we gave too much welfare to the poor? That's classic BBC. Classic BBC. We're bumping up television licenses, a thing that is frankly fucked up for anyone outside. Free-to-air television, uh-uh, it costs you money to own a TV. No, I think that's actually pretty good because then England gets a lot of good funding and they get the BBC.

And we absolutely piss that funding away. BBC is getting shut down, I believe. It's a really good system. I wish Australia had it. Otherwise, we get crap like what we do. Yeah, we do have terrible television. Yeah, but how often do you watch TV?

Got them. When was the last time you watched free-to-air television? I watch free-to-air TV sometimes. The reason why is because we have no funding. It's all bullshit. We should have a TV last. I like the dog house. That's a good show.

What's that? It's like a reality show where this lost dogs home style thing, they match families with rescue dogs. It's really cute. It rolls. I imagine that's a TV show that's made to make you cry. Yeah, sometimes. Sometimes the families are fucked up,

and it's just good to see a little dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. That family's so fucked up. That's making me sad to look at. Oh, and they're getting a small dog. Yes. But then you've got to think that, like, in a week,

they're going to be still fucked up and clean up dog shit. Yeah. But not me. No, that's true. Either way, the TV lesson's good. Any whom. Yeah. So, looked up, how does custard form a skin?

And so a thin, dry skin forms on the surface of puddings because as the mixture is heated, two things happen. Water evaporates and proteins and sugars become more concentrated. Together, this results in a dry barrier on the liquid surface. So guess we had a heat wave. Yeah, the ocean got too hot. Global warming, I believe, is a word. But then the proteins and sugars.

So did it melt like a whale? But a big one. And it may have filled with salt. In the ocean, there was a huge whale. In the ocean, there was very big whales that all got melted. The ocean boiled the whale like an ice cube. It's also good to imagine because the B-roll footage would just be like scientists. Cooking a whale in the middle of the ocean.

Here's where we believe the origin of the big whale was. Science has always believed the existence of this big whale, but we're frankly shocked to see it cooked. Where's the sugar come from? Why'd the ocean get so hot? Is it hot now? No, it's cooled down. Yeah, the ocean cooled down.

Should we be worried that the ocean can get really hot? I think if the ocean gets a skin like custard, yes, we should be worried. Yeah, I would assume if it was just like, if it was one big whale, I would assume that the whale did something to make it hot. Yeah. And now that it's dead, it's cooling down. Ate a bomb or something. Yeah, and so then, I I mean That's a lot For one

Big whale Would that fuck up Like if you were in a boat What would happen to you It's like Again it's a thin dry skin So it's thin Yeah

So it'd be like Going through like Well the boat would tear through You've seen custard skin in real life You can fix custard skin By stirring I don't know I just

Maybe on a grander scale It gets thicker I don't know Would it Because the earth The earth rotates Yeah Or tides and shit Yeah I imagine Surely Maybe on a grander scale it gets thicker, I don't know. Would it- Because the Earth- Well, I guess the sea- Because the Earth rotates. Yeah.

Or tides and shit. Yeah. I imagine- Surely, like, the ocean doesn't fit still. I'm imagining the ocean, like, so, like- There's a lot of custard skin on the beaches. Yeah, like a power pimple. Yeah.

Yeah. Is, like, liquid underneath the skin. And, like, I'm imagining kind of- Or a boil. Yeah, I'm imagining kind of this. Or a blister, same shit. Yeah, yeah. I'm imagining the same thing. So, like, the ocean's moving, but it of this or a blister same shit yeah yeah imagining the same thing

so like the ocean's moving but it's not breaking the skin yeah yeah yeah it's kind of rippling almost oh like a grass pimple you seen that

what the fuck is a grass pimple yeah yeah yeah it's like when the area gets real flooded there's a lot of water and there's nowhere for like the water to go

yeah so the water goes like underneath this like lawn and so they form this like this big water puddle under a lawn and you gotta kick it and poke it with a stick and the water goes underneath this lawn, and so they form this big water puddle under a lawn, and you've got to kick it.

You poke it with a stick, and the water gushes out like a big grass. But it's also not because if you poke it, there's no pressure under it. Well, you've got to poke it, and then you've got to push down. No, but on the ocean, there's no pressure in the ocean. It's just the ocean. What would it taste like? Is it whale? Because if so, a bit whale-y.

We need to come to some kind of consensus as to what this skin is. Let's assume rather than sugars and proteins that it's protein. Well, imagine it's just like salts. Because if the ocean got really hot, it's the same way if you evaporate salty water. Yeah It makes a skin. Well, imagine it's just like salts. If the ocean got really hot, it's the same way if you evaporate salty water. Yeah, like a film. Let's just pretend that the salt and proteins did the same thing.

And fish protein? Yeah, there's protein in meat, I guess. So the ocean got hot, heaps of fish died, and the salt evaporated, cooled down again, skin. And then we got to deal with it. Or else, yeah.

Could be algae. Okay. Okay, so this is maybe the most plausible way this could happen. Yeah, yeah. Because if an algae bloom happens, but the algae bloom is shaped in a way where they're connected, where it's very closely connected, so it forms like a layer on top of the ocean. And that's, yeah.

Yeah. Like a skin, like a, well, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Let's check how it sounds. Science believes that it was algae that has caused this global phenomenon. Why does your newsreader sound so depressed? Like your newsreader is like three beats away from eating a shotgun. Okay, fine.

Scientists believe. No, he's a kid's show host. Hey there, kids. The ocean's covered in algae. Spell it with me, kids. A-L-G-U-E, I think. Definitely not. There's no U.

How did you get that past the Board of Education? They don't check. Well, if the BBC says it's like an algae, then I guess I'm like, oh, okay. It'll go eventually, I guess. Neat. Wait, how do you spell that? Oh, A-L-G-A-E, right? Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,

yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, well, that's fucked. Okay. But that wouldn't seem notable. I mean, it wouldn't be like. Hello, everyone.

And good morning. The ocean is solid. Or at least that's what it looked like to onlookers this morning. Yeah. When they emerged from the seaside houses. Science. What? Scientists were quick to the scene and have realized that this global phenomenon was caused by algae. That's right.

Algae. Unprecedented algae. But they'd be like, an unprecedented algae bloom. And then within weeks it'll dissipate and you won't carry on with your lives. With the algae, though, it depends on what kind of algae it is. Because if it's skin like a custard, is it transparent? Or is it solid? It's the same color as a custard, the skin of a custard.

Yeah. But is it transparent or not? Because it's light going in or not. Because that will affect, I guess, the temperature of the ocean. All this may seem harmless. It's cut out all the light from the ocean, meaning that all the fish will die. I don't think they'll die, it'll just be more lower the temperature? And all the fish will be a bit...

If you're a fish, maybe pack a light jacket. Invest in a jumper. It'll spook some dolphins and whales when they surface. They'll come to the surface, eat the algae. They might drown. If a lot of algae gets into them blowholes. Something's got to go in there. Dude, you're telling me.

Let's interpret the question like this. What if we woke up one day and the ocean was cast? And there was a skin on it. And a skin on it, yeah. Fuck that humanity has maybe, what, weeks? I think Earth's dead, guys. Guys. When I went to sleep last night, Earth was still alive.

I woke up this morning and Earth's dead. Is there anything you want to do before you die? Now's the time. Now's the time. We got zero plans for the future right now. You got savings? I don't even know if money means anything because who's even taking the money?

What do you want to do? How much hydration is there in Gusted? Not a lot. Surely a bit. Well, now you've got a lot of dead fish and life and crabs in Gusted. Seaford Gusted. Yeah.

Yeah, but like in a pinch. Wait, okay. Is it the ocean or is it the fresh water lakes? It's the ocean. Lakes are still good. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But what happens when custard evaporates?

Yeah, what happens? Clogs the clouds. The clouds get heavy. Dropping big, wet slops of custard down on the people. Clouds just get lower. They look very weighted. They're very weighted. They're solid now. That's not good.

A lot of plane crashes. What used to be open air. Watching a plane fly into a cloud and then not come out the other side because it hit the custard is so funny. Just watching, because now the clouds are just going lower and just hitting a building. Sliding down the side of the skyscraper. I miss when the ocean wasn't cast, if I'm honest.

I miss when our Earth wasn't dead. I miss when things were normal. Good morning and breaking news. Earth is dead. Earth, and my producers have said I'm allowed to say this, is fucked. Once again, we've ruined the only planets that we are living on oh no do we have a backup plan let me just quickly check in with the studio no we're fucked it's good to just imagine that montage you know like at the start of any disaster

movie yeah it's like all of the news reporters are saying it but each one in their own language is saying we're fucked because this is like the fish are dead like that that takes a lot of of uh what happens

when there's no fish it is fish markets closed seafood buffet done fisherman's basket sucks fisherman's friends

still exist because they're mints yeah so um so okay calamari can't get it calamari rings Basket socks. Fisherman's friends still exist because they're mints. Yeah. Calamari, can't get it. Calamari rings, thing of the past. Unless octopuses quickly get up and run to the shore. Well, that's what their legs are for. Could an octopus survive on custard?

No. Okay, just checking. Well, no, because the thing with pretty much anything under the sea, and also how instant was this change? Like that. What time? 1.05 a.m. Okay, so people also have got to die.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I just keep imagining a bunch of guys in a fishing boat and someone looking out the shore and being like, I reckon I can run for it. And just... Okay, quick question. How quickly can a fish evolve? Not that quick.

Not quick enough. That's like thinking that if a person is suffocating, they could evolve on the spot. Some fish are quick. Like the Galapagos Islands, the birds, they're pretty quick at doing shit, yeah? If you fall off a boat and you start to drown, you can't expect your body to evolve then and there.

Quick, evolve to breathe custard. And I quickly make love to somebody. And then my baby cannot breathe under custard. The closest you're getting is that flying fish fly out of the sea and onto land. A lot of beaching happens when sea life tries to evade the custard. Flop onto custard. Well, custard is, I guess, is it a thin custard or a thick custard?

I imagined a thick custard. I imagined a bit more of a thin one. Either way. Because it has a skin. Doesn't matter. Here's the question, though. Sure, the world has ended. But has human life ended? Or in 20,

50, 60 years hence, are there some of us still kicking around in this custard wasteland? Well, it depends because water supplies are cooked. Yeah. But not... They're not decimated. ...dipleted. Yeah.

Yeah. Why are water supplies cooked? Because... It's like fresh water. How do we get water? Well, with the water cycle. Tell me more. If I'm a with the water cycle. Tell me more. If I'm a big fucking moron, tell me more.

Water evaporates up into the clouds, and then the clouds rain it. But because salt doesn't evaporate, water evaporates. So if it evaporates the sea, it gets rained down fresh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I quickly Googled. What happens if there are no fish in the ocean? Yeah. And you have the first sentence.

Penguins get hungry. Okay, so the first sentence doesn't bode well. Yeah. And I want you to know it just gets worse from there. Okay, sure, sure, sure. A world without fish is a scary prospect. That's not too bad. Without them, life as we know it will not be possible.

Oh. The ocean will no longer be able to perform many of its essential functions. Well, I think there's other things. The ocean's not particularly worried about the fish at this point. People will starve as they lose one of their main food sources. I guess, yeah, fish is a... A lot of people eat it. Fillet of fish, gone.

I know. McDonald's got a pivot. What are they going to do? So we have all the freshwater lakes and stuff. Fillet of fish is caught now, I guess. Or salmon, sorry. How? Freshwater fish.

Oh. Yeah. Oh, the saltwater crocs are dead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Freshwater crocs thriving. Happy as a dog and shit. Yeah. So, yeah, but- Nando's still good. That's, thank God. Yeah, cheeky Nando's still in the menu. Happy is a dog and shit Yeah So yeah but

Nando's still good That's Thank god Yeah cheeky Nando's still in the menu Can you find out how much I don't know what the Right question would be But like

It's hard to google that How much water's in custard? I will say Sorry I'm just reading this It says if fish disappear Life as we know it Will cease to exist So I'm just trying to be like

Okay apart from... Well, that's what I mean. Would some of us survive sucking the water out of custard? It's because it's not water right now. It's about food. So basically you're losing... What do you mean? We can eat the custard.

You can actually. But we're losing the oceans as a food source. Yeah. That alone would cause widespread suffering and disaster. The world has ended. 16% of the world's protein comes from fish and other marine organisms. The world has guaranteed ended. But we can feed chickens custard, which means we could overbreed chickens.

Exactly. There's lots of land food we can eat. We can't grow crops anymore so much. Percentage of water and custard is hard to say. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. props anymore so much percentage of water and custard is hard to say okay yeah yeah yeah that's yeah also i don't know why i expected someone to have an answer for that because why would anyone need to know okay i'm just wondering i guess how hydrating it would be you know have you ever no well you're not hydrating it you're like basically like a desalinate salad salad no decostetified plant a desalt plant yeah yeah yeah you're doing desalination is that what you mean yeah yeah but i see no no no but the thing is guys the systems have broken down you got to rely on you now in this custard of pocket okay jackson what jackson

is asking is can jackson drink custard instead of water? Yeah. No. You get full. Xamarin is maybe on the fence. Because he'd want to boil the custard. Would I? To have the water there. Can I just suck down the custard? Jackson just wants to literally stick his head in the ocean.

No, so what the answer you're trying to give him won't satisfy him anyway because that's not the question he's asking. No, you will get sick and die eventually. What's eventually? Two weeks. That sucks. How do I, what am I good, can I survive?

On other drinks, not water. Yeah. Custard instead of water. The trick, though, is obviously that the custard will eventually begin to go off. Custard's eggs. The world's gonna smell like farts. Can you un-curdle custard? I guess curdling's gonna be a future problem.

That's what I'm saying, the world's gonna be a stinky fart wasteland pretty quickly. And that's a crying problem. That's what I'm saying. The world's going to be a stinky fart wasteland pretty quickly. And that's a crying shame. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There isn't actually... Yeah. Because I don't think that water...

Obviously, there is water in custard because there's liquids. Yeah. But like water isn't an ingredient. Oh, really? I guess it's often milk that I think goes in. It's milk with egg, flour, cornstarch, or gelatin.

Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Well, milk you could drink. It's a rich source of fiber. There's still milk in cows. What? Well, how long?

Wait, what? What do you mean there's still milk? Yes. I can get a liquid there. I think that- What? Hang on. Why do you think that all liquid's gone? Well, you mean there's still milk? Yes. I can get a liquid there. I think that... What? Hang on. Why do you think that all liquid's gone?

Well, I mean, fresh water... Here's what I'm imagining. Yeah. If the sea has gone, the fresh water supplies are instantly going to be sucked up by all of the multi-million dollar corporations, leaving me, the little guy, without much to drink. Huh?

Unless I eat the custard, which apparently I can't, so I better secure me a fucking drinking cow. But drinking just milk also will do the same thing. But then you've got to feed the cow. I'm feeding the cow custard. What are you talking about? The cow eats the custard. Cow lapping up custard.

The cow laps up the rotten custard. I drink the rotten cow milk. My cycle continues. My existence perpetuates. So if you're just drinking the custard, the rotten custard, a week. If you're drinking this, probably 10 days.

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Is it easier or harder to drown in an ocean of custard? I reckon you wouldn't drown, you'd suffocate because you would inhale the custard

into your lungs. Okay, and now Jackson. Follow-up question. What's drowning? I think there is a difference yeah yeah there is but what you just described is drowning i think you just get full of gossip jackson jackson filling liquid getting in your lungs is drowning yeah suffocation would just be

you know air can't get into your lungs. That would happen before, you know. I think you do. I think I've asked this question before. People told me it's suffocating, not drowning. It's a solid. It's a liquid. Yeah, but it's kind of a goo. What are you talking about?

It's a liquid. How thick's the custard? Is this no waves? Jackson, it's a liquid. Do you know what a solid and a liquid is? Yeah, but what's like a cream? Like a heavy cream. What is a cream's a liquid. Do you know what a solid and a liquid is? Yeah, but what's a cream? Like a heavy cream. What is a cream?

A liquid. No, that's heavy cream. Yeah, that's what I mean. Like a custard isn't quite. Yeah, like a flan or like a pudding. You know what I mean? A mousse. What's a mousse?

A mousse is a solid. Yeah. So custard kind of falls in between the two. No, because mousse is like solid yeah so custard kind of falls in between oh no no well one of the definitions of a liquid is is that if it fills the container that it is in yeah so technically a lot of rice could be considered by that definition a liquid or sand or sand or if we shrunk houses down you could drink them like a soup they They are in many ways a liquid. That's just an example, that's not actually a definition, because a definition is the way that

the atoms behave. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because if they're really spread apart, that's a gas, and if they're close together, it's a liquid. And if they're tight, it's a solid. So it's probably a liquid, but it's not a liquid like water, you know what I mean? No, it's a thicker liquid than water. Yeah, exactly. But those exist. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I'm just saying that your drowning would be different. No, that's not a liquid like water, you know what I mean? Oh, it's a thicker liquid than water. Yeah, exactly. But those exist.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm just saying that your drowning would be different. No, that's not what you're saying. What you're saying is you wouldn't drown, you'd suffocate, and then you described drowning to us. Yeah. You'd drown encasted, yes. Would you drown or suffocate?

Encasted. It's good to know that these questions aren't currently answered on Google, but this podcast is going to come out. A pool full of jello? Not what I asked! Well, jelly's kind of the same. No, it's not. Jelly's a solid. Yeah.

I'm sick of you inhaling. If the thing is going into your lungs, that's drowning. But it would fill your mouth first and you wouldn't be able to breathe. You'd swallow.

There's so much custard. Yeah, but you'd hopefully want to swim up, right? Yeah, but you kind of think you can move through it. I don't think you can swim with water because the pressure's different when your hands go down. How thick is this custard, we're thinking? Well, another question is, say you're in the middle of the ocean,

you step off a boat, you just fall? Well, if you're falling... It's like water has a pressure that you hit. Well, if you're falling, but why is the boat then not? Oh, no. And it's at 1.05am and the boat's just like...

If it's kind of like more of a flan consistency, right? Yeah. So it kind of like more of a flan consistency so it's more of a little solid-y then all the ocean boats and random gulls that are just sitting on the ocean water and as soon as it instantaneously, magically, turns

into custard, everything will then just... No, they'll get the custard in their wings They're suffocating But does custard work like is custard non-newtonian say more words you know what i mean like is custard one of those things that if you put pressure on it it becomes more solid and if you go slowly through it it's more liquid let me think i'm trying to think of all the times i have poked a flan oh my god what many salt solutions and molten polymers

are non-newtonian fluids as many are commonly found in substances such as and the first example is custard hey so so that means the boat will sink. If the boat fell quickly and had just hit the custard, it wouldn't. But that also means that if you kept running, you could run across the custard sea. So what about a boat that was going at speed? Like a moving boat.

I don't know, because the way it works is that pressure on it, like quick pressure on it, makes it into a solid. But slow pressure on it makes it into a liquid. That's how a non-Newtonian substance works. So if I have a boat that's just sitting there. You probably would bounce over the top of the custard. Yeah, if I have a boat that's sitting there, it would fall through.

It would slowly sink, yeah. But if I was like, turn the engines on. Yeah, whip up that custard. It would whip the custard custard and then you would probably No, you'd sink. You'd start to sink. No, I think what you're saying is No, no, because I think the non-Newtonian liquid

explanation you're saying is right. But I think you're thinking about applying it the opposite way. Because I think that it means that the boat would, because the pressure gets more like the viscosity, this velocity lowers when you churn it up through a stress, which means that gets closer to water. True actually,

the moment you turn the boat on. So the boat would, no, cause like, I mean, a boat is made to float on the ocean. So it's going from a solid to a liquid. So it doesn't matter.

But also, it's not like it's going to a gas. If it went to a gas it'd be fucked. Because a boat is heavy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's a lot of pressure going down. Which means it would return to closer to... This is going to be an episode where people legitimately are like

I unsubscribe to man. And they're yelling at us and we're sorry. From the beginning I was mad they weren't talking about Batman. And now we're here. Because when you see people- No, I'm not the first episode. But this is one of those times where if I get a suspicious package in the mail that says, Joel Dusha, please open next to Plum in the Death Star.

I'm like, this is a mail bomb. I'll be like, yeah, I probably will open it. It's a classic mail bomb episode. Because when you see people running across- People do it on TikTok. Hype houses do this shit. They fill the pool with whatever it is, Gak, whatever the non-Newtonian liquid is, and then they run across it.

But if they stop their running and just stand, they sink. Because they are less heavy than a giant. I'm thinking of a giant cruise ship or a warship. You know what I mean? As long as it's moving, it'll be okay. But the pressure that it's... It might be going fast enough. Yeah. Even if it's not moving. Say it's moving, it'll be okay. But like the pressure that it's like It might be going fast enough. Yeah.

Say it's not moving. Say it's moored. It would go down. Is there no pressure because it is a heavy object? No, it's not about heaviness. It's not about weight? It's about impact. Yeah. No, it's about stress which is weight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't, don't.

By impact, I meant stress, basically. Yeah, but the weight is that Because the boat's sitting on It's pushing it down right That's a stress Because there's so much weight We are in such dangerous waters here The force of the weight going down

Being pulled by gravity None of us Wait The force of gravity pulling the custard down Yeah And then the moon With hearts Why would you involve the moon? Why would you then the moon with hearts. Why would you involve the moon?

Because moon does tides. Things I know about waves. I think that in the 50s America should have launched the nuke at the moon. Then we wouldn't need to worry about it. Hey, you know what's fucked up? Imagine you're a whale at 105. Underwater. It becomes custard, a non-Newtonian

liquid. You can't move forward anymore. You die. You fucking die in the sea. Blowhole full of custard. Yeah. Dead. You die. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What do you mean a crab? You don't know what the fuck's going on. You're moving sideways and all of a sudden you're not moving. So if you have a lot of custard

in the ocean, or the ocean is custard, but because custard weighs more than- does it weigh more than- Of course it weighs more than water. Would it? Or is it lighter? Why would it be lighter? Because it's like, it's aerated. You gotta aerate the custard to make it fluffy, like how you would aerate a flan. Like a flan or like- I think we're thinking of different custard because I'm thinking of like, yoghurt. I'm thinking like an aerated-

Yoghurt would be aerated too. Yeah, no, I know. But like. So, you know what this is? This is another freak show episode. Roll up one and all. This is the three dumbest men in the world. This is Cuba all over again.

Attempt to try and fucking figure out constancy. So if it's aerated, would it then the ocean levels rise? No, but because water is H2O so there's O in it. So how much O is in custard? But custard also... Because custard,

if it's that kind of like a bit thicker custard, they'll have like air pockets. Which would mean if there's a lot of that over the ocean, it would rise. I think it would, but then it would sink again, right? Because doesn't that happen to custard as well? And if there's a lot of weight of custard on top, it'll just kind of like, yeah, sink down. So it might go lower. And then if you're involving gravity, right, at this kind of scale, it would be pulling it towards the center of the earth.

Yeah. Duh. Like the force of down and you put the diagram is a down and you write N? Would Newton Would you make custard tidal waves?

If it went down as the custard got displaced Yeah. What's the oh no? Also, before I made a legitimate dumb guy not as a joke just he was forced out of me by this conversation a literal came out of my mouth that's where we've arrived at i'm doing legitimate non-ironic, dumb guy. Where are we? Because I'm misimagining.

Custard is slightly heavier than water. So it would weigh... Does that mean gravity would have more than... John Tickle. And this is where the... Oh, no, it came from. Yeah. Familiar with the television Serbraniac?

Of course. Well, I reckon I know where you got the non-Newtonian liquid from, because they ran across a pool of, John Tickle from Brainiac ran across a pool of custard. Although, happy to announce, Brainiac, not actually good scientists. No, fake as hell. Because the way they do any of their tests, the variables are out the fucking window.

They're just in it for entertainment. But I think I've seen people do it with custard in other places. I think I've seen Mythbusters maybe do it with it once. That might be where it's from. But yes, I think the custard, it doesn't matter, because in like a week the custard is rotting and the whole world smells like farts. I hate fart earth.

I can't be eating about custard, see. I'm more concerned about fart earth. Yeah. What does that much rot smell in the air do? Would you be shocked to know that no results found for what if ocean turned to custard? There'll be one. There'll be one soon. So, yeah.

The end result is death. But I'm just trying to work out, like, the stages. Well. Because the initial thing is, we're losing, we're losing food source, or gaining carbon source.

Yeah, but I got something, just before you even go down that. Here's something fucked up. Rotten eggs. They produce a, yeah, well, not like a gas, but like a smell.

They produce methane, I think. Yeah, a terrible smell, which, and terrible smell is usually a gas, which means that if it's the entire ocean... Do we just up global warming? Oh, yeah. There's a big chance if someone lights a cigarette, it's not global warming anymore.

We go from blood on fire. So at 1.05, someone's... Oh, no, it hasn't rotten just yet. It's got to rot. I'm a detective. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been a rot, it probably. I'm, I'm a detective. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been a week. I go down to the ocean.

I like hoke up my pants. I do a crouch. I might look in the mirror and go, I don't know what's going on. I grab my cigarette. I light it. I just blew up there. But also, it won't rot everywhere. Because the custard around the Antarctica and the Arctic will freeze.

Yeah. Wait, the equator will be bad. The equator will be the stinkiest part of Earth. Oh, no. Yeah. What? Oh, okay. So hydrogen sulfide is the thing that eggs give off.

But it's made worse through gut digestion. But it would happen anyway. It's commonly known as sewer gas, stink damp, and manure gas, whatever. But at high concentration levels, it has a sickeningly sweet odor. Oh, maybe that's good. Far earth, far earth, far earth, sweet earth. Oh, it got good. I think the moment it goes to sweet earth, I'll be like, I've breathed in too much.

We're like, maybe this is turning around. I got another thing for you to Google, okay? What's the freezing point of custard versus the freezing point of water? Okay, so Jackson, you know one of those already. Yeah, okay, what's the freezing point of custard then? And Jackson, what's the freezing point of water

just real quick? Zero? And what's the boiling point of water? One... Eighty? You are wrong with one of those. Would you like to take another guess? One higher or lower. Which one do you think is wrong? I think I'm right about the freezing point.

Yeah, and you think the boiling point of water is 180 degrees Celsius? Is that right? Something like that. Yeah, so you're off. I can't tell if this is a bit. I can't tell. This was a bit. I can't tell. This was a man who didn't know how long someone was pregnant for. Oh, yeah.

I forgot about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Really? This is a bit. You've got to tell us. Do you really not know the boiling point of water? Jackson, you're 30. You've lived out of home for years.

I can boil water. Yeah, but what's the boiling point of water? I can't recall. In his defense, when will he need to know this? Apart from this one, it's only happened once, which is now. You're a barista. That is literally one of the only jobs I can think of where you'd need. He wasn't a good barista.

No, I sucked. Tell me why. The boiling point of water is 100 degrees. Oh, wow. There you go. It's all Celsius. I thought you were about to say, yeah, this is all Celsius. Fahrenheit's all fucked up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Interestingly enough. 32 is the freezing point of water in Fahrenheit. The freezing point, sorry, the boiling point of custard is 80. Oh, that's... So, I mean, we're not getting that in the oceans,

but that's something to know. Could you find the freezing point of it? Between 16 and 20 Fahrenheit, which is colder than freezing point of water, but that also is making frozen custard. So was that 16 degrees Fahrenheit, was it? 16 to 20 degrees Fahrenheit. I'm just wondering if around the Arctic.

That's negative 8 Celsius. Okay. So negative 6 Celsius. So I can remember those instead of 0 to 100, think of negative 6 and 80. Yeah, perfect. The freezing point of custard. The freezing point of custard is negative 6. So yeah, it's not going to be frozen as much as water.

Yeah, you're going to be slushy, disgusting custard in the Arctic. Yeah, but is the ice cap turning to custard too? That the Arctic. Yeah, but is the ice, like the ice caps turning to custard too? That's water. Yeah, probably. Probably getting, and then they're probably melting because, because there's like, well, one, there's the custard methane in the air. And two, it's a custard freezes. Freezes a lot of freezing points.

So yeah, very quickly, the world went bad. Yeah. In about a week, I think. I think we die, I reckon. reckon humanity's done after a month yeah yeah earlier no no no no we'd struggle on for like a month yeah yeah yeah bombs getting dropped quick um the great lakes probably in canada or and and north america are where everybody clusters because I think there's a massacre there.

The Great Lake is filled with blood. Yeah, some guy named Meat Chungus takes over them or whatever. I'm getting in the Prime Minister of Australia's ear and being like, I think we should bomb Niagara Falls because I think that will send a message that we don't respect water and then they'll respect us. Australia, our lake sitch. It's grim. Comparatively, it's pretty bad.

I mean, we're famous for our droughts. Yeah. A lot of animals are dead. Well, that's why I'm sucking the cow, Titty. I understand you're sucking the cow, Titty. Yeah. Yarra is... Well Yeah. Yarra is... Well, the yarra is water,

but it's water that goes into custard. And I don't want to drink it. No. Lots of bad things in that river. It's not a ball water, so we get a lot of water in underground water in Australia. Maybe we seek that out more.

It tastes like shit, but it tastes better than rotten custard. We could boil... Surge? I had some... Fucking shit sandwiches. seek that out more. It tastes like shit, but it tastes better than rotten custard. We could boil sewage. I had some. Fucking shit sandwiches. At least I'm living. It ain't a living, but I'm living.

Very quickly, unless there is just a quiet resignation of all humanity. Go up the mountains. Yeah, yeah. We're done. What's up there for you? Water. Oh yeah, and like mountain lakes and stuff. Mountain lakes and waterfalls and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's done. What's up there for you? Water. Oh, yeah, and like mountain lakes and stuff. Mountain lakes and waterfalls and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true, that's true.

But for how long? Until I drink it all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll flow. Fingers crossed, 50, 40, 50 years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Although now it's custard earth. I'm happy for it to be 30 to 40.

Because it's going into custard and then it's, you know, the water cycle that Jackson was explaining to me before that I forgot about. Well, the custard, well, we never figured out what would happen when the custard evaporated. Well, I don't know if the custard would evaporate or if it would dry out. It would dry out. Yeah, it would dry out. Which is kind of like evaporating. Would that send whatever liquid was in the custard into the air again?

Yes. To then rain down on us as regular freshwater rain, because water is lighter than custard. So, yes. So the clouds would, we wouldn't get custard clouds. We would still get water clouds. But the thing is, the custard would have a limited amount of water in it. How much water is in an egg?

You leave a lot, like a jug of custard yeah in the fridge for too long well it's not going to evaporate in the fridge i know what i'm saying or like say like a big m or a dare yeah in like a and um brands it's good it's got a couple of them but yeah yeah yeah well i'm imagining i'm just imagining a clear like a clear uh because like a big m is a carton, but let's have them in the clear. Yeah, yeah, go on, go on, go on, go on. After a while, it separates. It does.

So you have like the water at the top and the fat down the bottom. Yeah. So wouldn't after a while something similar. Yeah. So then the ocean would just have like a, instead of sand at the bottom, a dirty layer of custard. Yeah. Fat, gross, sinky custard. Let me propose you something else.

Imagine you have a fish. Yep. Let's say a little sardine. Okay. And you, gross, sinky custard. Let me propose you something else. Imagine you have a fish. Yep. Let's say a little sardine, okay? And you have a little tub of custard. Then you just leave the sardine and the custard dead for a week. And the sardine rots, which is what's happening to all the ocean life in the custard. Yeah. Is that going to make the custard taste like sardine?

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And also be kind of trapped in the moment any custard moves like the rollingness

of the Yeah, yeah. The gas is coming out. There's one thing we might be able to come to a conclusion or like come together

and figure out how long humanity has left on custard earth. But we can't agree it's going to stink like shit. Yeah, it's going to smell fucking awful. It's going to smell

fucking awful. People will going to smell fucking awful. People will be shitting their pants just to get a whiff of a better smell. Wait, wait, how long can you last without water? Three days? Three days, yeah. Well, it's actually three days to like a week, but yeah. And you're not good. Here's what happens.

It's like three minutes, three days, three weeks or something. That's like a rough guy. So because here's what happens when you don three minutes three days three weeks yeah that's like a rough guy so because here's what happens when you don't have water for very long your body is like where else in the body can i get water and so you know in all of your joints you have tiny pockets of liquid that it takes the water from there and from your eyeballs and from your tongue and so you become stiff and puffy and that is what will happen to everyone what about your nutsack there's liquid in there does your cum become water? I just think you probably couldn't cum.

Well, yeah, because you need to be hydrated. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You ever cum when you're dehydrated? It sucks shit. Yeah, it's bad. Why are you cumming and also dehydrated? Boys, have a drink. I needed to cum and had a drink that day.

Clearly, my priority's sorted. I'll say the answer to that. It's fair enough. Come Come on Joel Zammett Think with your fucking head For once I think we die And it would suck It's what would happen

Yeah It would be a bad death For humanity I'm just thinking Because like Alright so like You have this three day Or like to a week

And I'm like Well that's if you have no water But there are still There's still some water So there's like bottled water There's like places that have Okay so think There's basically like it'd be a quick mad scramble,

a lot of violence, a lot of death, a lot of wars. There'd be some pockets of humanity, and if humanity managed to wipe out enough of humanity... I'm gonna hit my neighbour with an axe. I'm gonna go crazy on all my neighbours

with a bat. You could have pockets. Drink their blood, that's water. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you know the joint water, so... Yeah. Let me drink your joint water. The doctor I'm trying to get it from is like,

you know that's not water, it's just liquid in your body. I'm gonna drink your joint water. Oh, it tastes like shit. Suck in your marrow. It tastes like shit, there's not much of it. It's barely a cup. Humanity managed to kill enough humanity, depending how they did that,

because if they, say, dropped a bunch of nukes, then you've got that problem as well. But if enough people died, some humanity could live for a bit. Yeah, yeah, around the lakes before the lakes themselves evaporated. Yeah, and it depends with the evaporation and all that kind of stuff.

But it's not a good life. No, it's terrible. Yeah, so let's hope. Because also, on top of it all, it's so random and unpreventable. 1.05am. A time we'll never forget. We'll be like, the final indignity for humanity

is someone cussed it at our sea. So if the oceans had a skin like We'll be like the final indignity for humanity is someone custard at our sea. Yeah. So if the oceans had a skin like a custard, not terrible. If it was all custard, bad. Very terrible. Yeah. I think if it's like a thin layer, you'd be like, yeah, we just kind of noticed it when we went in. We're like, ah.

And then it went away for a bit. You got two options with both ways we answered the question. A kind of interesting thing you read on Twitter and think about for 10 minutes, so the ultimate destruction of mankind and the earth. And there you have it. That's our 9.30 news report on Custard Sea. What would happen and how quick we'd die. Welcome to this week's episode of Brainiac, where we answered the very important questions.

What would happen? The Earth? Sorry. Oceans? That sounded like a guy I used to know. I don't know if you know it. He died quite a while ago. Some people say it was good.

Yeah, yeah. It was good he got shot in the guts. Anyway, sorry. Yeah, no, no. Fair, fair, fair. Put me up not enough so yeah that's that's uh how we uh i've been shot in the goods anyway i'm sorry yeah he's haunted by my so then that guy i used to know this one would have happened if we were had an ocean that was tested and on that note i've been jo. And I've been Earl. And you're probably asking, what the fuck was that? And fair enough.

Thank you for the question, the macaroni prince. Bet you probably weren't expecting it to answer it, and neither were we, to be honest. But here we are. And the world is a worse place. But at least now when you Google what happens if the sea is cussed, you get one result. And it'll be Fluffing the Death Star, a pop culture podcast

where we ask important questions Like this shit Yeah Yeah Do you want more of this bullshit But don't want the commitment of Sandspans Plus I get it Too many shows, a good chunk of them are D&D

And I don't know if you know this But that shit shit is for nerds, and RSS feeds are confusing as all hell. So we've teamed up with ACAST to provide a plumbing sampler. For five US bucks a month, you get a monthly bonus episode not available on the regular feed, as well as our monthly What If show that was, until now, only available to Sandspans Kings. monthly what-if show that was until now only available to Sandspan's kings. That's two extra episodes a month, an increase of 50% more bullshit, you also get episodes without any dynamic ad insertions, and the undying gratitude of one of the hosts of your choice. Just head to plus.acast.com slash s slash plumbing the death star, or there's a link in the show notes which will be a lot easier to navigate. Once again, that URL I just said.