Plumbing the Death Star - What Happened to the Spidermen Program? (Feat. Mr Sunday Movies)

Episode Date: March 16, 2015

In which our heroes become scientists, blast a spider with radiation, and instantly move on. We discuss the eternal stupidity of comic books, the travesty that is the Amazing Spiderman franchise, and the tragedy of an intelligent Rhino. Jackson would rather not be put on the S.Q.U.I.D Project, Zammit expresses his issues with Symbiotes, Mr Sunday Movies wonders why the military already had a goblin mask, and Duscher just wants Tobey Maguire to come back. So chuck on your lab coat, choose an animal at random then forget about it and become super negligent. It's an amazing, sensational, superior, web of kind of time.Want to help restart the Spidermen program? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help provide some random high-schoolers with the responsibility that’s lacking in their lives.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least eleven books about the dangers of animal/human hybrid experiments. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sandspence Radio, if you spill milk accidentally, it's best if you don't cry about the milk you spilled. Are you going to take me up on my offer to sell my skeleton? Email us at sandspenceradio at gmail dot com and we can probably arrange something. For everything else, including links to our other shows, our Twitter and our Patreon account, head to sandspenceradio dot com. Hey guys, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask important questions like, whatever happened to the radioactive spider program? So, okay, think about it, right?

The year is whatever it is, and Peter Parker... The year is 1999. Allow me to say this. Humanity, as we know it. Overrun by robots. It's a sunny afternoon. Peter Parker gets bit by a radioactive spider. You've set the scene nicely.

In some vague year when it was sunny on some day Spider-Man gets bit. Okay. And then Spider-Man goes off and has his adventure. And we just don't really hear much about that radioactive spider program or experiment or whatever it was after that moment so like one i guess what were they doing like what is the end goal of making spiders the

radioactive surely that can only end poorly for everyone and And so did it just get shut down? Were they like, we're missing a radioactive spider. That's hectic as hell. I'm sure there's an actual answer in the comics, but who cares? Yeah, because- We're not looking that up. That spider, that bit Peter, goes on to then bite someone else, and she's a new spider lady.

Is that which spider woman? That same spider. Yeah. That is a long-living spider. Does that mean there's just a spider in New York making spider people? Oh, no, as in, like, literally 20 seconds after. Oh, okay. And did she just not utilise her powers for ages?

Welcome to comics. So this guy called Ezekiel, some of you might know, found out that this lady got bit and then locked her in a vault because if she was discovered outside this lead this lead laced vault this other race of I think inheritors or whatever they're called

would hunt them down so Spider-Man found this vault and she's escaped and now we have Spider-Verse where all these Spider-Man found this vault and she's escaped. And now we have Spider-Verse where all these Spider-Men from different universes, alternate reality Spider-Men, are coming together to fight Morlan because they could smell the spider people and she is known as the bride.

That's the dumbest thing maybe I've ever heard. And that's the episode. Done. Zammett gives Jackson an aneurysm with comics. Zammett then dies moments later to his own aneurysm

caused by potential brain damage. Potential brain damage, yes. So, does that mean that that spider, did she squash it after it bit her or is it just going to trip off and grab another guy in the original comics

he stomps the shit out of that spider does he oh wow it must have been a pretty nimble spider he'd be like bite stomp out

imagine being like one of the scientists who's like cleaning up after the school's gone through and you're like holy shit is that one of our spiders

that's just squished onto the floor that should not be our spider or is it kind of like, you know, a snake? Even though it's dead, it can still bite and kill you. Oh, God. All right, so there was a guy... Wait, back up.

So this has happened. There's a guy in... Snakes still have venom in their teeth. But they won't attack you. No, no, no. That's like if you said bite and kill you. They will leap at you. Because they still kind of wriggle when they're dead,

so they could. So it was this guy, his dad, he didn't realise there was a snake in his boot, kind of like in Toy Story. And he put his boot on, there was a snake's little venom tooth thing, it bit him on the foot, technically, and then he died of the snake bite. Then like 20 years later, his son found the boot,

also died. That is not true. It isn't. That's an urban legend. But still. It does happen. Exactly like that. That exact scenario has happened, but not in the way that you told us.

So maybe the spider could have, you know, the janitor picks it up, ah, fuck. Now he's spider janitor. Clean up webs and making more webs. That's his life. Just clean it up ow fuck now he's spider janitor cleaning up webs and making more webs that's his life just clean it up as he goes are you just

like mopping the ceiling I don't know why hey somebody's got her and those webs they hang around for a long time so okay so I want you to imagine

for a second like you are in charge of the radioactive spider experiment done RSC you find out that one of your spiders has gone missing. What do you reckon your first reaction to that would be?

Am I the boss? Yeah, okay. Sam, it's the boss. You two are on boss. I was going to say, am I the boss? Because if I'm not the boss, I'm just going to fudge that and be like, we're missing no one.

Well, you're the boss. No, no, I don't want to be the boss. No, I'm not responsible enough. Dush is the boss. Hi, promotions. Sweet. So that's what actually happened. The spider goes missing, the boss goes, I don't want I'm not responsible enough hi promotions sweet so that's what actually happened the spider goes missing

the boss goes I don't want to be the boss and then someone else has to step up hey random employee you're the boss I'm skipping the country oh boy

um guest point of call is this is a building that's pretty much from the future check security footage yeah okay that's good

yeah yeah cause I'm pretty sure if a kid gets bitten by a spider, he's not going to be like, ow. Unless he's a fucking sociopath. Why didn't he say something? To be like, what if your fucking spiders just bit me?

Aren't they radioactive? Oh my god! Am I going to die? This place is fucked! Even if he didn't want to stress anyone, at least go up to them afterwards and be like hey so one bit me are we gonna yeah should we call a doctor like if i skim my knee slightly or just get a gray somewhere i am telling anyone in the general vicinity brought it up so and then you're like look whatever we'll fudge this missing spider from the records we

cut lots no one's gonna notice you notice spider-man and you're like, look, whatever. We'll fudge this missing spider from the records. We cut lots. No one's going to notice. You notice Spider-Man and you're like, I reckon there's a connection here. I see that kid on the security footage be like, ah! No, have a freak out. We're all men of science. We can put this together. Fuck. But then you'd be like, we've just got Spider-Man spiders.

But look, if you were my boss, right? And my boss, 80 boss came to me and said, listen, this thing happened. Shut up. Shut up about it. I'd be like, yeah, fuck, all right, whatever. It's cool. It's just my job. I do love the idea of Dushy coming up to me and being like,

shut up. About what? Shut up. Just don't tell on him. Are you the new boss? Is that what this is? Did I bang on you? I'm really stressed.

I don't know. I don't know what happened. Today's been a rough day. So just shut up. I think we made a Spider-Man. Yes. His name isn't Spider-Man. It's like a Spider-Man. A Spider-Man.

I think my first move would then be if I was an employee or even the boss, when we find out there's this guy who has spider powers chuffing around just plant my hand into the spider pit and be like come on guys all of you bite me, let's see what happens like the thing you just die they're like

oh you just start vomiting web like oh just coming out of every orifice and they're like you've got a bit too many touches in the Marvel universe mentioned before, if you're a scientist or even just a regular human near a science experiment, you've got one of two choices. Die horribly. Yes.

Superpowers. It's a 50-50 split, so it's worth it. Yeah, I think so. I think so. And it depends how pure of heart you are. So if you're like, I'm a pretty good guy. I had a tough time at school. I've got a chance this.

Yeah, exactly. You're like, I've been kind of bullied my whole life, so I've got, like, my odds are pretty good. I'm going to get so much revenge. Oh, wait, no, don't think that. I'm going to be a villain. And because, like, for some reason in Spider-Man stories, it's all experiments that fuck up.

It is. Like, the same thing goes for literally all of them. Yeah. The lizard. Misfit of science. That guy was a scientist working for someone. If you were like, what's it called? Dr. Connors.

Yeah, Kurt. If you were like, what happened to Kurt? That guy's wearing that lab coat with his name tag on it. Did you discover how to make lizard people? And he's like, I think we fucking did That can't be Kurt, because he only has one arm That lizard has two arms And Kurt wasn't a lizard, he was a man

He was working on a pet project To be like Arm regeneratives Can't be him though Could be anyone We're scientists, we never really, like, actually solve things. Just lots of research. Yeah.

But you're right. Sorry, they're all misfits of science. Yeah. The Sandman, same thing, falls into a weird thing. Exactly. What even was that weird thing? What were they making? Were they trying to make Sandman?

Yeah. Was that the end goal? Is that why they never followed it up? Because Sandman, how about it? They were like, good. Everyone, get your clipboards out. Success. Tick, tick, tick, tick.

On to the next one. Chuck that clipboard out. That's right, make an octopus doctor. Hand me that octopus. All right, chuck that in the pit. See what happens. Otto, get in there. No, get in there, Otto.

If I was like a scientist in Marvel's New York, and they were like, Jackson, what we're putting you on is the Squid Project, I'd be like, I don't know if I want to. It's an acronym, it stands for something. No, I don't care. I just feel like it's probably going to end poorly for me, or I become a squid man.

Do you have a tiger program? Because I can get behind that. Yeah, like Electro as well. In the Amazing Spider-Man movies. Sorry. No, no, no, it's a gut reaction we all have. It's like getting kicked in the gut a little bit. Amazing Spider-Man 2.

I can't even remember the first one. It's Indigestion, the movie. Oh, boy. Give me some quickies, please. So, Amazing Spider-Man 2, sorry. oh boy um yeah give me some quickies please need it so Amazing Spider-Man 2 sorry um

yeah like Electro he works at a science place and he just falls into an eel tank yeah he grabs some wires

falls into a tank and becomes electric yeah so after that they're like he fell in let's put two and two together those eels are magic

so Amazing spider-man 2 is like it's electro i haven't seen it because i had heard all the great great glowing reviews and went not for me i came out after like the opening was like wow that was not good you're telling me that it's all about electro is your villain uh sort of there's other things like the first basically so they didn't call it amazing Spider-Man 2 Electric Boogaloo? Ah! They should have. Isn't it called that?

It's Rise of Electro, like in Australia and a few other countries, which is still equally dumb. Which is weird because the first half of the film is about Electro as a main villain, but then they're just like, hey, Dane DeHaan, you know what you'd be shit at? Green Goblin. Let's make it happen. In a way, I'm disappointed on several fronts. There's a skipping rocks scene also.

I don't know if that's important. Oh, yeah, they talk about their feelings while skipping rocks. I think that's the point. The electro ends and whatever else starts. And there's a rhino man. Yeah, there's the rhino. Another animal science problem. In the comics, he's trapped in the rhino suit.

He is, yeah. In the ultimate, it's a robot. In the other one, it in the rhino suit. In the ultimate it's a robot in the other one it's something else, I can't remember. But in this universe, every villain comes out of that basement. What the fuck? Literally every single one. And they set it up so the next lot of villains, because you see the Doc Ock arms,

you see Norman Osborn's head because he dies, spoiler alert, who gives a fuck? And you see the vulture's wings. You son of a... No. I don't care. Well yeah, I'm really stoked for Amazing Spider-Man 3 I'm sure that's still gonna oh, oh, it's a whole bloody focus

well, apparently the Sinister Six movie's still going ahead I'd be very surprised you're just getting a lot of shakes of the head I think maybe Marvel are just like patting Sonya like yeah yeah this is going to happen we're having

so good I think you would stop doing science in New York as an aside anyone anyone read the comic book Flowers for the Rhino

yes that's a fucking great comic it's a really great book like Flowers for Algernon but with the Rhino yeah they make him smart as fuck oh really

yeah and it's so depressing but it's so depressing. But it's so good because he becomes really smart. Is he still in the suit? Yeah. And he's like, I think at one point he's in the suit, in a suit. And a dressing gown as well.

Like a velvety, crushed velvet dressing gown. It's beautiful. And he just gets sad. And he's like, I'm now smart. He knows Peter Parker because he's like yeah I made this equation math that maths everyone's secret identity go with it but then he becomes

really smart and they make like the test subject was an orangutan who also becomes smart but then like necks himself it's very sad

I'm surprised is this a really famous story? it's sort of famous it's based on a famous story okay because yeah the only true Spider-Man things that are like Is this a really famous story? It's sort of famous. It's based on a famous story. Okay. Because, yeah, the only two Spider-Man things that are super famous in my head

is Gwen Stacy's death and Thingy's last hunt. Ah, Kraven. Kraven. Or Thingy. I want to see him. He didn't come out of a basement. Fucking get him in. Yeah, Kraven did not come for a science experiment.

And I think the vulture might not have as well, in the comics. In the comics, yeah. The amazing Spider-Man is Kraven's, like for a science experiment, and I think the Vulture might not have as well, in the comics. In the comics, yeah. In the comics, what? In Amazing Spider-Man? Is Kraven's, like, lion pelt thing in a glass cage? Who was the dude in the hat in those movies? Oh, it's someone.

Every Spider-Man movie or the new ones were trailers for Spider-Man movies. So nothing's really explained. It's like, who's Peter Parker's parents? What's going on? Fucking kid, yeah. No's going on it's just not Jesus Christ it's all very Amazing Spider-Man 1 and 2 are just building up to Amazing Spider-Man 3

all the questions are phrased may have an answer all the questions that you don't want to know will be answered in this movie that you may or may not probably not see please come see it Spider-Man 3 came out, right? And everyone was like, oh, wrecked the Spider-Man franchise.

That's a piece of cinema now. Like, in comparison, Spider-Man 3 is the perfect end to Spider-Man. Bring back Tobey Maguire. He was great, because Tobey, you know why? He's too old. Because Tobey Maguire's gross and nerdy, and you were like,

that's a guy who has no friends. He's 40 now, I think. He's an old spider. He's an old spider, man. Actually, no, fuck it. Jake Gyllenhaal. I think they're going young, though. That's the rumour.

But who knows? Life's a mystery, you know? J.K. Sivitz? Yes! Sorry. So into it. See, he could play Ezekiel, and then we could...

I'll stop. So the rhino suit, they put a Ezekiel, and then we could... I'll stop. So the rhino suit... Yes. They put a guy in that, and clearly they're like, whoops. And they just, like, shut it down, I guess. Let him go, shut it down. Yeah. Do they tell their superior?

Yeah, just push him at the door. When he wakes up, we need to chuff off. When he wakes up, this lab needs to be a warehouse. Just go on. Just go on. He's going to start blaming people, and I think, we don't know, but I'm guessing got the strength of a rhino.

It just seems reasonable. Let's leave. That reminds me of the Robocop reboot where Robocop wakes up for the first time, starts freaking out. They can shut him down at any point, but they let him run through the factory full of people. Yeah.

Where he could have harmed literally everyone. And they're just like, no, no. And he should have. I just think he should have. Just as another aside, yes, he really should have. And they're just like, no, no, no, let him go. And he jumps over the fence. He's still running.

And they're like, oh, he's in a field. Did they think he was going to stop? Like, no, no, he'll wear himself. Oh, like oh he's in a field did they think he was gonna stop like no no he'll wear himself oh no he's a robot he won't wear out that's right we built him

as a robot um like maybe he'll turn back maybe yeah alright things wait too long movies and comic books everyone waits too long

before they shut down bad ideas yeah they wait for the bad ideas to blow up in their face then they wait for the repercussions, then they shut it down. It's like, okay...

And then they can't, usually, at that point. It's like, this guy is now a sandman. What else is going to happen? Is this going to end the world? He's formed into a man. Good. Now what's happening? He's invaded this factory.

Uh-huh. He's pouring sand down scientists' throats and drowning them. Shut it! No, actually, let's see how this plays out. I think that would be not like an alright chance because if the radioactive spider guy thing happens first, right? And those scientists are like, hey,

he's kind of defending New York. We kind of did good. Alright. Yeah, you're right. In that one case. Yeah, but then, like, say you've made a Sandman, and you're like, are we going to be the same? Like, are we going to get a good guy or a bad guy out of this? Yeah. Let's just wait and see.

There's already one good guy, so you're probably just going to get a whole bunch of bad guys. Yeah, exactly. Because then you can get Otto, you know, Otto Octavius again. He's like, he's a scientist. Electro should have been a good guy in Amazing Spider-Man 2. There's no reason why he... No, because Spider-Man forgot his birthday or something.

Whatever, I don't remember exactly. Oh, in that case, now I'm on Team Electro. Fucking Peter Parker, you piece of shit. Yeah, that was ridiculous. Wait, sorry, that... Yeah, that was something. It wasn't that exactly. That's not a bit?

No, because he was like obsessed with Spider-Man. Oh. And then because he meets Spider-Man, then he becomes Electro and Spider-Man kind of forgets him. And then he's like, oh, Spider-Man's more because he meets Spider-Man then he becomes Electro and Spider-Man kind of forgets him and then he's like oh Spider-Man's more famous than me what? and then he

starts attacking people honestly there's a scene where Spider-Man's like whoa hey buddy I remember you and then he's sort of just like oh you don't really

remember me and everyone's like yeah Spider-Man and then Electro's just like you know what I'm gonna kill cops now like that's I think he gets

sniped as well but even then he was gonna that's... I think he gets sniped as well. But even then, he was going to do it anyway, I think. He was going that way. None of this... Sorry. No, fuck you.

No, hey. Hey. No. Hey. Fuck you. It's good. Yeah, apparently in Amazing Spider-Man 2,

there was a scene where Electro visits... Like, Electro as Electro after he's realised he's... Accidentally kills his mother and that was meant to take place what?

oh sorry this was cut out it was cut out it was meant to take place between him being like ah I'm Electro and that confrontation with the police so he has a guilty conscience

in that scene because he's murdered someone accidentally so that's why he acts sort of the way he does that kind of makes sense that makes it a bit better

but instead no let's have 45 fucking minutes of this film devoted to Peter's dead parents that bring nothing to anything. Magic train bullshit. Let's also make him a dubstep monster. Boom, whatever he'd shoot at anything.

Actually, that's probably the best part of Amazing Spider-Man 2. It kind of sounds like... You're kind of selling it to me. There are some good individual moments. Like Elektra's theme has lyrics. That's amazing. Which he sings. No, he doesn't.

Oh, man. No, he doesn't. Does he? He does play Itsy Bitsy Spider on the power plant at one point. Yeah, no. By shooting lightning into it. But, no, no. Elektra isn't actually singing his theme song.

But I think Jamie Foxx sings it that's amazing it's spectacular I'm going to give it a hey superior it's web of back to whatever we were talking about

I feel sick about all this Amazing Spider-Man 2 stuff so cleanse my palate I made a gesture at you about all this Amazing Spider-Man 2 stuff. So cleanse my palate. I made a gesture at you, which you can't hear in a podcast. And then I just made it back. It was like a fancy person give me money gesture. I think it's weird that it only happens in New York as well. Yeah.

Like you notice nowhere else in the Marvel Universe. They have everywhere else in the Marvel Universe. They have, everywhere else in the Marvel Universe, they have the project that every other project is part of. If there's a project that has to do with, like, the Avengers, it's probably Super Soldier Serum, what you're trying to do. And if it's got to do with the Mutants,

it's probably Weapon X. Which is also, like, Super Soldier Serum is also part of the Weapon X project. Or the Weapons Plus project. Comics, guys. But everything that happens in New York is just teams of... So in Marvel's New York, there are like ten teams of scientists that are like, something is fucking up.

Let's stop doing this. But they're mostly, in the comics, independent of each other. A lot of the time, not always. Or it all leads back to Norman Corp. Or maybe... Oscorp. leads back to Norman Corp or maybe Osgore Osgore Norman Corp

so maybe you've got Kurt Connors lab assistant he sees him turn into like a lizard monster he's like shoot

alright that happened I'm gonna go work on I'm gonna go with help with the other doctor with his research what could go wrong

what could go wrong okay What could go wrong? Oh, boy. Okay. He's now an octopus, man. Yeah, instead of one arm, he wants four. That's okay. That's not a good sign.

Hang on, let me just count. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Oh, fuck. Maybe I'll go work for this. It's these guys who are doing some interesting things with sand

and I guess a guy fell in. I'm starting to think maybe a common problem is me. That guy shouldn't blame himself. That guy probably turns out to be fucking Venom or something. Eddie Brock. Yeah, now I'm going to go

and become a journalist and plagiarise. And then he becomes Venom. Well, Venom is a science experiment in some versions, isn't he, as well? Carnage, certainly. Carnage with some guys who are like... So we got the alien symbiote.

Yeah. What if we did that again? Yeah. But we strap it to a lunatic. You're a murderer. You killed everyone that you met. You know, put the symbiote on you. Do I have a choice?

No. Oh, God, this is backfiring terribly. That didn't work. Wait. Let it play out. We don't know yet. Good guy or bad guy? Hard to tell at this point. With the symbiotes, they're like a dumb thing. There's a point where

carnage gives birth to toxin. And then there's this weird thing. Artwork is very fancy. I like the archive artwork. Anyway, the storyline is because these alien symbiotes, whatever, it's just part of their lizard brain, their nature, whatever, is that the father will have to try and kill the son,

but the grandfather is there to protect the grandchild. Whatever it is. The best thing about that comic is that Toxin was a cop and then he's about to eat some dudes and they're like, hey, and there's like a badge in the goo of him, you're a cop. And he's like, ah, you're right. You're under arrest. That actually happens and it's the best.

Really? That's amazing. I was like, I want to see the adventures of cop Toxin. I don't think it ever happened. So basically, it's fathers encouraging their kids to have a kid so that they won't get killed. Is that how that works? So you want grandkids. So that you don't yourself get killed by your son.

Your dad. So your grand... Comic books sound kind of convoluted. Very convoluted. I think they should cancel all of them, to be honest. Just reboot. If there's a button, reboot every three years. Yeah, you're right. Too much. Reboot.

You've gotten too fancy again. What's that? You're trying to make the DC Universe sentient and you want to fuck it? I'm sorry. We're going to stop you. Reboot. A little reboot. There we go. That's Sony's strategy so far. Would we classify the spider,

the radioactive spider program experiment as a success? Well, I don't, what are they testing for? Yeah, that's a good point. What is it? I mean, it's different in different comics, but what are they doing? It seems to be, the ultimate at least, I know the Venom project was to try to be a cure for cancer

and that seems to be like a big motivator for a lot of plucky young scientists to be cured for cancer I'm pretty sure Kurt Connors he was trying to

create skin grafts and he's like regenerate his limbs because he lost his arm he's like what have I got what have crocodiles lizards that's what I was thinking

in my head I don't know I think this is wrong but in fact I'm 100% sure it's wrong say it anyway hey who am I to let facts stand in my head, I don't know, I think this is wrong, but in fact, I'm 100% sure it's wrong. Say it anyway.

Hey, who am I to let facts stand in my way of my opinion? Yeah, in the Spider-Man movies, is there a connection between Kurt Connors and the radioactive spider program? No, he's just Spider-Man's friend. He's also working in Oscorp. Yeah. Amazing Spider-Man. No, no, no, not Amazing Spider-Man.

Oh. No, he's just a lecturer in the other ones, yeah. In the normal. Oh, yeah, that's right. They just spend three films hinting at the no he's just a lecturer in the other ones yeah in the normal oh yeah that's right they just spend three films hinting at the fact he's gonna become a lizard and then they don't because there's no film

number four yeah something that I've always been puzzled about and it kind of goes back to all those experiments is why did they only do them once

like if I found out there was an experiment that could turn me into the lizard and I was like I kind of want to commit lizard related crimes I'm a bad guy

why is he not like hey Connors how you doing? I know you're the lizard. How about you give me some of that lizard gel or whatever? Or, hey, military, what's that? I can make a serum that turns your soldiers into lizard people. Yeah.

Well, hey, I'm pretty sure this spider turns you into Spider-Man. Do you want to make a Spider-Man? Put him in Spider-Man? Army of Spider-Man. There you go. Well, like, Lizard's plan in Amazing Spider-Man is to him in Spider-Man? Army of Spider-Man. There you go. Well, like Lizard's plan in Amazing Spider-Man is to turn everyone into lizards. Yeah, because lizards are better or

whatever. Which makes no sense. Look, he's lonely. He's gone a bit crazy. He needs a lizard wife. He wants a lizard wife. But it's also ridiculous because in that movie he shoots it into the sky to turn everyone into a lizard, but everybody when he's taken it, he always changes back. So there'd be a 24 hour period where everyone into a lizard, but everybody when he's taken it, he always changes back. So there'd be a 24 hour

period where everyone's a lizard and then everyone snaps out of it. And they're like, let's deal with this lizard problem within the next 24 hours before we become lizards again. That'd be an eternal battle of every time you made progress your lizard selves would ruin it. I was like, would you try to turn

that all, just go with it, just adapt. Be like, alright, humanity is now 12 hours humans, 12 hours lizards. We can work this out. Let's adapt stuff. But even, why is there not an army of rhino-suited men? Is it because those scientists are like, we keep, I like to think it's the same group. Guys, maybe experiments that have the potential to turn men into animal-based villains is, like, not on. Okay, right.

So let's stop that. Also, there are always scientists that get turned. Like, Electro, I'm pretty sure, was a scientist. Well, it depends. I'm basing my knowledge off... Max Dillon? Yeah. Max Dillon is a...

Oh, he is a scientist. I was going to say he's a janitor. He just looks like a janitor. No, he's a scientist. Because of his gross hair. So the Lizard's a scientist. The Electro's a scientist. He's not a scientist. I was going to say he's a janitor. He just looks like a janitor. No, he's a scientist. Because of his gross hair. So the Lizard's a scientist. The Electro's a scientist.

He's not a scientist in comics, though. He's just a low-level criminal. How did he get Electro'd in the comics? Oh, I can't remember, to be honest. I almost want to say it's his suit. Who's Shocker? I mean, I know who Shocker is, the villain, but what's his... I think that's a suit he built. Yeah, Shocker's is a suit.

Electro's isn't. In the quilt-looking suit. Yeah. Yeah, Shocker's is a suit, Electro's isn't. In the quilt-looking suit. Yeah. Yeah, I think he built that. Plus, Scorpion. Scorpion is basically the rhino project with the scorpion. They're like, hey, do you remember we gave a guy the powers of a rhino? They're like, yeah, that went wrong.

He's like, let's give a guy the powers of a scorpion. So, like, that's really, really... Brilliant. So, we want the big stinger, yeah? Yeah. It's the big stinger. Basically, yes.

Let's make it unpredictable so that it might fuck with his brain chemistry. And then you know what? Give him a symbiote. Give him a symbiote. Check a symbiote on him. Should we make it

so these guys can get out of the suits? Nah. I don't think that's necessary. Why? How's that going to help? I'll hate that. Then being a villain is optional.

Yeah, yeah. It could be good, guys. Being a superhero, then, is optional. Maybe a lot of these villains are villains because they can't change back. See, Spider-Man could be, like, chuck on a pair of clothes and just look like a regular dude.

The Rhino is that. He's trapped in that, and it must be sweaty and gross. Could you imagine him being like going to apply for any job and you'd be like, are you the rhino? He's like, yeah. You robbed a bank. Look, I've reformed. I've been to jail. I've done my time. Look, I know

I have done some bad things in the past. What if you rob a bank again? But no, I'm just trying to make... This is a bank. Just trying to make, you know, my ends in the... sorry mate look you've got a decent resume a lot of time in banks but you're also in a giant rhino suit and i just don't know if you're gonna break doors yeah like on a practical level i don't think this is gonna work yeah can you work a register it's a you're an occupational health yeah

what if someone fingers would be as big as a hand Yeah, exactly Because it's hard enough for an ex-convict to get a job anyway and they have to do checks and everything but with Rhino, you're like you're just Rhino, we know, it's you What happened to Mysterio?

Mysterio doesn't have powers He's like a special effects guy That's the lamest villain. He's like, I'm good at special effects and I have this fishbowl that I'm not using. Two and two together! I was going to ask why he hasn't been in any of the films,

but I think that sort of answered it. He kind of answered your question. He can be done well. In the Spider-Man video games on PlayStation, the big bad in one of them I think is Mysterio yeah

in the ultimate one because he can make like illusions he'd be like what's real what like that like he can do that stuff

it's like Scarecrow but Marvel yeah with a fishbowl like Scarecrow but not scary yeah just confusing

like if Scarecrow was a magician and wore a dumb mask yeah it'd be basically like your main villain was Darren Brown. You're like, um, I'm impressed. I'm amazed. But... That was pretty amazing.

Superior, if you would. Green Goblin. Web of. Yes. In the movies, that's a science experiment. Yes. In the movies, that's like, hey, green mist? I guess. In the movies, and... Or hey, we going to try and cure death. No, cure this weird disease.

Depends which movie. I just got angry again. I could see you were so fed up. Just like... In the Ultimate Spider-Man, it's also like an Oz serum type thing. And in the original, I just think he's just got a power glider from memory until he touches like a stone and becomes insane. I think it's just dangerous to be.

Let's not explain that. I don't want to explain it. I'll accept it. I don't want to. Honestly, I think your explanation would make me sad. So I'll just make my own one. It's no explanation. In the first movie, did he make that mask or did the military already have that?

They didn't just go with like a bicycle, a bike helmet. They're like, no, I'll make a scary goblin mask. It's way better. How fucking terrifying. So either they made that or he went home and went, I'm going to make a goblin mask. It's going to be pretty good. He went down to some fucking like metal workshop and was like, hey, can you make this look like a goblin? It's kind of like the military, like, you know, we've done some market research.

We've been doing things down in, like, you know, first... You know what the Taliban are afraid of? Goblins. So mass-produce this helmet. We don't know why. But they are fucking terrified of the fuckers. The survey we did. Does that mean the military knows it's Norman Osborn?

Yes. And they're just not doing shit about it. Nope. They're probably like, that's Spider-Man. Yeah. They're probably like, that's Spider-Man. Yeah. They're probably like, what did we expect out of New York? Sometimes he's a good guy

because he was Iron Patriot as well. I don't know. That's true. Yeah, he took down the... So it's hard to say. Because he snipered the King... No, Queen Skrull. Yeah.

Everyone saw it. The shot that was seen around the world. Your reaction to Amazing Spider-Man is my reaction to the scroll invasion angry anywho so ultimately what happened to the radioactive spider program is that it just sort of failed it just sort of fell apart i think you know maybe that they just nobody else got bit and they called it a success. You know those friends you get? We did it. What? I don't know. We made the spiders radioactive, I guess.

Okay, you know those friends you have and you're good friends at one stage. Like, you know, your best buddies, you're every day with them, all that kind of stuff. And then as you get a bit old, as time goes by, you maybe see them once a week. And then eventually maybe once a couple months, and then eventually you just break off contact and you don't really see him anymore.

That's sort of what happened to a science experiment. So the scientists were like, we're on board. And then he just came like, all right, we made a Spider-Man and I guess that was good. I love Spider-Man. It makes me laugh every time. Can we make some more Spider-Mans? He's like, nah.

Spider-Man. We'll try it. And then make some more Spider-Mans? He's like, nah. Spider-Man. We'll try it. And then maybe they missed a meeting, so it was like, oh, we'll put up next Fortnite. And it just sort of drags on. And then it's like, hey, do you want to co-work on that Spider-Man project again? And they're like, oh, I'm working for Otto now.

He's like, well, I've got a job with Kurt Connors. We made a sand guy the other day. He can't come in. I'm cleaning up the fallout of that mess. So I guess we'll just... He attacked a sand guy the other day. He can't come in. I'm cleaning up the fall out of that mess. So I guess we'll just... He attacked a train. Put these on file somewhere, just an old filing cabinet,

and maybe senior 10 years? Yeah, all right. Just like a reunion. I like to think that one spider got out, they went, oh, and then they just locked the door and moved to the next room, which was a pile of sand.

And the same thing happens there. Yeah, they're like, oh, chalk that one up to a pile. Oh, sand didn't work. At the end, they're just sitting there and like, what have we made? Like the head guy is going, so what are we actually doing now? What was the first project about? Was it curing Alzheimer's?

No, I don't think it was Alzheimer's. At one point, maybe. I mean, why did we let that school group in? Who's paying us? Can we make, like, a parrot serum? Is that? Should we do that? Do we want a guy that just

repeats stuff? Is that what we're going for? I don't know. Do we want a guy that just repeats stuff? Is that what we're going for? Oh, fuck. We already did it last week. That's alright, you took some. You locked the parrot room, right? That idea, yeah. And then imagine if they all, like, the doors opened and all of the experiments went together.

Have you guys seen Cabin in the Woods? Yeah, exactly. That. Yeah. Sand parrots. So really, basically the end of Calvin in the Woods is

the logical conclusion to the Marvel universe of all the experiments just in a wall and they were just like well fuck just

end of the world embrace our inevitable death with open arms either that or just dotted around New York a welded shut laboratory

sounds like what used to be here don't worry about it Either that or just dotted around New York, a welded shut laboratory. I was like, what used to be here? Don't worry about it. Just keep walking. Yeah, that Spider-Man's pretty good. That's Spider-Man though. Well, I'm a bugle reader, so no. I fucking hate that Spider-Man.

Isn't he a criminal? I'm pretty sure he robbed a bank. Stole an old lady. Piece of shit. He stole that old lady, yeah. Let's hunt that fucking devil. Get Craven on the case. Well, on that note, I've been Joel.

I've also been Joel. I've been Mr. Sunday Movies. And James, sorry. I'm not good at that. Sorry. It's all right. And I've been Jackson. We got there in the end. Don't worry.

If you're having some problems, we'll get an experiment and we'll see what happens. Yeah. You become a Spider-Man. Yeah. Maybe you become a Spider-Man. Maybe you become a goat. Who knows? Either way, something will happen.

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