Plumbing the Death Star - What if Anakin Skywalker Stayed a Podracer? (Yippee!)

Episode Date: March 21, 2021

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We're in the same room now, so you can't be doing this shit anymore fuck you hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode i'm not doing it i put all of this in welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star this is what happens shut up please get help for me where we ask the important questions like what if Anakin Skywalker stayed a podracer that's okay that was relevant I'm gonna hit you with a chair Obviously, Star Wars Episode I, The Phantom Menace.

I thought you were about to say, obviously, Star Wars Episode I, The Phantom Menace, just coming out. It's 1999. Yeah, right. Hey, question, before we get into the other question. The question is... The reason that Anakin become a pod racer to begin with is that because quite cotton gin was like hey you enter this pod race but he has a racer like he does he's working

on it he's working on it what was the basically what was the impetus for him to be like i'm gonna enter the race well i think if you're a young slave boy and to toonie or whatever eventually hadn't have rocked up on tatooine, what would have happened? Well, was he building his pod racer for him or to sell? Because it was made of junk parts from Watto's garage. Correct. So I believe, and I might be wrong here, but not as wrong as calling Tatooine Tatooine.

Close enough. I get the tats in there. I believe that Anakin wanted to be a podracer, but everyone was like, you're too young. And Shmi was like, you're a little boy. You can't race a podracer. They're all little boys. That's what podracing is. Little boy racing.

So Boba, little boy. Ben Quatronellis, little boy. The littlest boy. There's a big mama and papa Ben Quatronellis in the stands cheering on their little boy. You're only ten! I know! Yippee!

Ben Quadranellis has the four angels. He's got the big wide head, right? And like four arms. Yeah, he rolls. And his podracer explodes immediately, I'm pretty sure. Rest in peace. I didn't say he rolled at podracer. No, he just rolled in existence. Up until his moment of death, which was immediate, he ruled. Can somebody please get a picture of Ben Quadranalis with the quote,

what is it, the candle that burns twice as bright, burns half as long, or whatever? It's better to burn out than to fade away. Yeah, Ben Quadranalis. So funny. So, yeah, so if Qui-Gon Jim hadn't have come down well he would have

I think he would have eventually yeah he wouldn't have been in that race yeah he might have done it as an adult so he might have been like

oh I'm 10 but I'm gonna keep going yeah and what else has he got in Tatooine nothing nothing

slavery mostly which sucks slavery's got no upward progression no it's just unlike pod racing you know yeah

and again look Watto what does Watto love? Eating eggs? Only money! Only money. So if he's like my slave boy, if he is now becoming a pod racer, well, that's money for me. So I'm guessing

maybe he either just takes the money from his slave that he owns, which he would, or eventually would sell him to, I don't know, someone who wants a racing slave or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sell him to Sebulbos. Yeah, exactly.

They started as rivals, but now they are owner and slave. Which is worse. Which is a lot worse. The R was misplaced. I think here at Pumping the Dust, we've fallen into a terrible trap of assuming Watto is Anakin's dad. We're like, that's the relationship. Incorrect.

No. No. But yeah, so I think eventually he would have pod raced. Famous piece of shit. Or buy himself out, I guess. Famous piece of shit, Watto. Owner of slaves. Dog shit person.

Would probably have been like, yeah, you should race. And then Anakin probably would have died at some point. Yeah, yeah. It doesn't seem like it's got much of a... No, look, I got a lot of faith in old Anakin. You reckon he could have... Young Anakin, he's an eight-year-old boy, or ten or whatever.

He's ten. Yeah, but you're saying that... I reckon he could go pro, and I reckon he's got enough moxie in him to win. I reckon he could go pro. I reckon he's got enough moxie in him to win. I reckon he could basically win state champion. Yeah, that's bold to say that he'd win after watching him win a race. I reckon he could win. We've seen him win.

We know he can. That's when he's young. That's like his one race. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, but if you win a Grand Prix. If you win a Grand Prix at 10, I'm putting my money on that kid. I'm like, that kid's going places. He's going places.

He is doing it. With pod racing, because, okay, so in the pod racing game for the Nintendo 64, the greatest game ever made, there are many tracks. But in the movie, there's only the one on Tatooine. Think about it like the Grand Prix. Yeah, okay. How it's toured around the world, except this time.

Planets. It'll be toured around the galaxy. Plus, also, isn't it in the greatest game ever made? Say you're going to Tatooine, but isn't it like Tatooine 1, Tatooine 2, Tatooine 3? So there's variations? I think it's kind of the same thing. So I think he would be like, alright, so let's just take Qui-Gon Jinn, didn't come down,

Jedi's, whatever. Never happened. Fuck off. Or he came down and Anakin was like, no. And Wada was like, no, you can't have the boy. No, get out of here, Qui-Gon Jim. We don't want any time. So the one on Toon, is that like the best? Is that basically like the Grand Prix?

Or is it kind of like the Le Mans? What is it? It's kind of fucked up if it is like a galaxy-wide thing. Because I kind of always assumed that pod racing was a bit like street racing. Like it was kind of illegal. Because if it's a galaxy wide thing, it's, it's just,

it is illegal. Okay. It's illegal. It's mostly run by the Huns and the Huns or the Hutts. Hutts. The Hutts, the Hutts. I did say Huns,

but I meant to say Hutts. Okay. Okay. Sure. And is apparently common on less developed regions of the galaxy like tatooine i'm not falling into your little silly games all right fine okay so what okay say yeah anakin continues pod racing but my question was yes the one that we see in episode one is that like like the biggest event? Yeah, I don't know. What kind of, I guess, in the hierarchy of races?

Yeah. So refresh my memory if you can. I'd love to. In the pod racing video game, is the last race, is that also on Tattoon or is that somewhere else? I think the last race is some gross fire planet. Okay. From memory.

Mustafar or something? It might be Mufasto or whatever. The tracks do get progressively more and more difficult and more and more dangerous, which I guess kind of feeds into the fact that these are sort of like criminal underground activities. Apparently it's one of the most famous pod races and it's called the Bunta Eve Classic.

Yeah, the Bunta Eve! Bunta Eve. Shut up, Star Wars. Winter Harvest classic. Yeah, the Bunta Eve. Bunta Eve. Shut up, Star Wars. Winter Harvest classic. Yeah. The Ando Overland and the Alene classic, other big races. Okay.

Bim-bop-bum-po. So if- Malastare and Ando Prime are other planets that it's very common on. Okay. Malastare is the one that gets name dropped by Qui-Gon. He's like, ah, pod racing. I know that.

It's on a thing and it's fast and scary. Okay. So if Anakin hadn't been in the Bunta classic. Yeah. Bunta Eve classic. Sorry, Bunta Eve. It's on the Eve of the Bunta. Sorry, the Bunta Eve classic.

My bad. So if he hadn't entered that. Oh, Bunta's Eve. I have moral rights. Oh, Bunta's Eve. Oh, Bunta's Eve. Oh, yes.-zee. Oh, Bunta-zee. Oh, yes. Father Bunta comes out the next day.

Merry Bunta, everybody. Have you opened up your Bunta presents? So this is Bunta. Oh, what have we done? So he's writing the Bunta Leaf Classic that time time So I'm guessing Sebulba would have won Yes Now seeing Sebulba win using dirty underhanded tactics Would Anakin be like

That's what I have to do to win No because he knew Sebulba was a cheat before going into it Well here's a question though Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader Correct You know your Star wars well true that but does that mean that the darkness is always in anakin i know it was kind of encouraged by palpatine correct yep two from two Otherwise known as Darth

Darth Cyndius Sorry what was that? And his real name It's a good one Shee Yeah Can we just go back to his Sith name?

Darth Cyndius Cyndius C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C You're an idiot Sidious Because he's insidious God George Lucas is claffed Get it now Anakin's also 9 not 10 No no no that rules more No it's better the younger the funnier

Well okay But is the reason Obviously yes Anakin does enter the race Because Watto tells him A chain reaction? Exactly. But I guess my question is, if that chain reaction doesn't happen,

how young does Anakin enter the pod racing circuit? Does he do it as a teen or is it like next year? Like, I think it would have to be, he would almost have to prove himself to Watto. Yeah, true. Remember, isn't there a line where he's like, have you ever raced this? And it's like, it's blown up basically every time I've tried. Yeah, yeah.

Watto's letting him make that pod racer, though. So Watto is like, he's like ready to either sell the racer, I guess, or if Anakin gets good, which clearly he will. Alternatively, do you think that Watto is just like, because at the moment it's like dangerous and it's like not starting and whatever, but the moment that it does start, Watto will be like, put his foot down and be like, no. Yeah. That's yeah. Very possibly. And they'll probably give him lashings because Watto, piece of shit.

Dirty fly man. Yeah. I do like the idea though, that he like wins his first race and Watto gets like bod racing fever. And just like becomes his like manager, but like a terrible manager. I was imagining Anakin wins his first race and Watto's like, there's fever. Yeah. And just, like, becomes his, like, manager, but, like, a terrible manager. I was imagining Anakin wins his first race and Wada's like, there's money in this, and he starts racing himself. Give me your bod racer, Annie.

That's not his voice. That's Wario's voice. That's pretty close. They're all the same fucking guy. Annie! That's what he says when Anakin comes back to him as a young teen Annie is that you you're big now

oh my god and he's like I was your fucking slave don't kill me where's mum I sold her cause I'm a slave owner see me she was like 30 credits I don't care I'm a slave owner

I'm a cunt I wish in that scene instead of cutting what i went half or whatever he did he just sliced what his nose off he didn't cut what i went half does he not kill what no he should have made this is literally genuinely how i remember that scene i don't know why hann back on To Toonie, but he is. And then he sees Wano. Wano's like, Annie! And Anakin just drives him through the lightsaber. Is that not what happened?

No, Wano doesn't. Wano's surprised. Yes. Oh, my God. This is the greatest news ever. Anakin kills sand people. Oh, my God. What a lips.

Oh, wow. Because he goes back to Tatooine to see his mum. Yeah, because he had a premonition in the force or whatever and being like, something's going on with mumsy. Yeah, and then goes back to Tatooine. And then he's like, I sold them to the... The sand people. No.

The sand raiders. No. Lars. The raider people. Lars and the real girl. Yeah. Lars and... Bruh?

Bruh? Not Bruh. Bruh? Bruh? No. It's their dad. Yeah, their dad. Wait a minute.

No, no, no, no, no, no. It's them. Because... No one remembers Star Wars. Because... Oh, yeah, no, but... They're young. Yeah. Because he sold it to... And he's in, no, no. It's them. Because they're there. Because they're young. Yeah.

Because he sold it. And he's in a wheelchair, maybe. He's got one leg. Yeah. That guy. Yeah. So Watto, hang on. So Watto sold Shmi to this guy, Lars.

Luke's uncle and aunt are also pieces of shit. Because I guess they own slaves, too. Well, no. Because they're the son and or daughter of a slave owner. But then that piece of shit married his slave. Oh, that's fucked up. Yeah. Because he sold it to Papa Lars.

Yeah. And then, in finger quotes here, got married. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big Georgie boy didn't think about the implications of that one. He doesn't like to think about implications. Anyway, I'm still riding the high knowing what I was alive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wish that we got the scene that you have imagined.

Yeah, me too. That would have been bloody sick. Annie! That's fair enough. I was your slave owner. I should have expected this! And now a quick word from our sponsor. Hi, this is Levens, and I'm one of the hosts of All The Small Games,

a weekly podcast all about indie video games. Every week, my friend John Valenzuela and I review a bunch of indie games, both new and old, from indie Metroidvanias like Hollow Knight to indie puzzle games like Baba Is You. If metroidvanias like hollow night to indie puzzle games like baba is you if you're looking for something cool and obscure to play subscribe to all the small games now at sanspantsradio.com acast or wherever you listen to podcasts so yes uh i reckon anakin would have probably gotten into he would have kept going with pod racing for sure at least on the on the side and maybe is i'm guessing there might have been some

underground circuits on Tatooine, not just the Bunta Eve classic. Yeah, not just, there's more than just the Bunta Eve. Yeah. So they would have been doing that and maybe Watto would have found out.

Yeah. And I know probably Watto's initial reaction might be to give him a lashing as he is a notorious piece of shit slave owner or being like, wait a second, there's money to be made here.

Okay. Well, technically you're my property so whatever you earn, I earn. piece of shit slave owner or being like wait a second there's money to be made here okay well technically you're my property so whatever you earn i earn and is now would be encouraging yeah so i think that's when he'd probably get into right and i think eventually given that anakin is a good pod racer and also has the force quite strongly if you recall chakas with so many bugs so he would eventually get good enough that I think he could buy his own. Because I imagine there's better managers than Watto out there. We can agree. Yes.

So they would probably come to him and be like, hey, we'll buy you, and then you can buy your own freedom. So Jedis in this world, are they a very, I guess, a noble people? Apparently. They're very, very virtuous. They're very nice people right? in general

just in general we're not splitting hairs here we're kind of doing a bit of hand waving unfortunately if we're doing the hand waving we need a period of time because the Jedi's

at this point in time would be the people you would hate the most yeah because they're very righteous but also imagine priests now would you consider priests

right now to be noble? i wouldn't so my point being is that they're the jedi are considered like you know unscrupulous they're very you know morally high or whatever but even they will cheat oh and try and be like pieces of shit and like manifest like little deals that benefit themselves right a certain point of view or whatever they're lying all the time all the time qui. Qui-Gon Jinn there moves the little hand thing so he gets what he wants. And he's meant to be

a pillar of virtue or a Jedi. I will also say that's on Watto, the fucking idiot. Watto feels a mind trick trying to work on him. And he's like, you're a Jedi. Jedi mind tricks won't work on me. Only money. And then he's like, let's roll a dice. What the fuck do you think is going to happen, you idiot?

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Do Jedi move things of mind? Is that Jedi? No, if mind tricks don't work on you, people want to be like, I'm thinking of a number between one and ten. That's what he should have done. I'm going to tell Jabba, who mind tricks also do not work on,

what I'm thinking of so we can clarify if you get it right. Ready, go. Does that mean they have anti-bugs? It's because they're slugs and flies. So the Force don't work on insect people? Yeah, I guess. It's something to do with certain races are more Force resilient. Isn't it that they're stupid because it doesn't work on simple-minded creatures? Isn't that a thing

about the force? Or is it only works on simple-minded creatures? Making them genius. Otto's brilliant. He's too good to be caught, baby. So my point being is that because pod racing is part of the underbelly, is part of the underworld kind of thing,

they would be probably like mob bosses and people who are probably more cunty than say Qui-Gon Jinn so you own this guy here who is one of the greatest pod racers and you take all his, we're gonna stab you in your stupid gross fly face

and now we're taking control except it's done with a million tiny shivs because look I don't know how Watto would survive in that underbelly that's great except it's done with a million tiny shivs because like look I don't know how Watto would survive in that underbelly

you could kill Watto with a brick dude you'd throw it out and he'd fall out of the he doesn't have friends or anything

he's not protected no he's definitely not protected it's not like killing Jabba which is easy because he's just a slug he's not going anywhere

sneak up on him and shoot him in the back of the head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's not quick. Stab him in the brain with a lightsaber. Who cares? You don't even need a lightsaber. A vibro-blade.

He's a slug. You can just push your hand in through his head and pull out his brain. Grab his tongue. Yank it out. Climb inside him and burst out, dude. Just push your hand up against his gross slug body. I imagine it's kind of like papier-mâché. He kind of goes in. Yuck!

He's got thin skin. Yeah, oh yeah, for sure. Shoot him in the eyes. He's so easy to kill. I don't respect or fear Jabba the Hutt. So I'm guessing there'll be a point where it's like Anakin, I reckon around about like maybe like puberty. Yeah, sure.

13, 14 kind of era where he's like, okay, not only has he sort of honed his skills as a pod racer in the mean streets. Yippee! Yippee! Now this is pod racing! Let's get him on the death sticks.

Now this is pod racing! Husk up that voice. I'm 12! Hell yeah. 12-year-old death stick addicted Anakin Skywalker. Pod racing. When you're imagining Watto being shivved on the streets, are you imagining that Anakin is freed or is he now sort of a possession of the mob?

I would imagine this is probably when Anakin's a bit older now, like when he's more like in either 15 or 16. I think Watto might have probably got his little gross fly hooks into him even further yeah fair like this is where we're going and this is what we're doing those kind of things and if anakin is sort of like winning more races or at least you know qualifying or finishing in the say the top five yeah he's probably going to like i'm assuming they have like you know uh debaucherous sort of parties yeah all the pilots. Yeah, for sure. Awesome, awesome alien orgy.

It's just the greatest thing you can imagine. Exactly. Those are when all the pod racers become of age. Doing a line off Jabba the Hutt, head to tail. Doing a line out of Jabba the Hutt. That's a fat fucking rail. So Ilex will be there and everyone will be like, they're the sexy alien we decided.

Everyone will clap. But I like the jabbers So here's where we'll be like Well who will basically ice Watto Because if Anakin's there Talking to other pilots And they're being like Yeah this is how much money I'm getting And how many space credits or whatever the fuck I'm getting

And Anakin's been like I don't have any space credits I'm just and how many space credits or whatever the fuck I'm getting. And Anakin's been like, well, I don't have any space credits. I'm just in squalor here. I like where this is going of like a hit being put out for water. But the only way I can see that, I just, based on what we see in pod racing at the Booner Eve Classic, I think that it's far more likely that a hit gets put on Anakin. Oh, you reckon?

Yeah, wipe out the competition you don't want to poach him so is there any there's no like like friends in pod racing no no because it's a race quadradale seems like a nice guy everyone laughs when he dies surely i'm just thinking there's this kind of like you know racing in our world where there's like you know teams and those kind of things yeah but the difference is racing in our world where there's teams and those kind of things. Yeah, but the difference is racing in our world, people, you don't get multiple deaths per race. Deaths are sad, where in pod racing it's just like, yeah, oh well. Yeah, but I think because there's money to be made

off Anakin, as many people that are trying to kill him, there'll be also people trying to keep him alive. Maybe we move that transition of Anakin from being owned by Wado to being owned by mob bosses far earlier. See, I would be thinking in a similar way to Darth Sidious. Yeah. How he's being like, hey, we can do this. But he's probably going to fall for, say, another mentor figure who's a bit like, what are you talking?

Come to me. We've got all the Twi'leks and sexy slut people you could ever have. Might I suggest a young Jabba the Hutt? Well, the thing is, I think if my memory serves me right, Jabba the Hutt either is a sponsor of the entire race, so therefore he wouldn't benefit off owning one racer, or he's paired with Sebulba, in which case Anakin's getting a blaster bolt through his little boy brain.

Anakin's getting hit through that big hot mouth. But if Sebulba is showing that he's a bit gray and long in the tooth. True, if you need young blood. How old is Sebulba? Ten. But he's a little boy. He's a little boy. I just think that you would much prefer a racer that's going to be dirty like Sebulba,

so you just kill a little boy like Anakin. I think it, yeah. Do you know how easy it is to kill Anakin it's really easy to kill Anakin if they're all little boys but also Anakin is full of bugs yes that's true he has premonitions

but he's full of bugs in the wild we don't know what that does bugs in the wild usually don't mean shit you think he's just gonna die he'll have weird shit, weird shit happen. Like, he'll kind of Harry Potter it a little bit, of, like, being, like, he'll accidentally use the Force every now and then.

How about, I'll pause this for an idea. What if, maybe, Sebulba takes Anakin under his gross horse-like wing? Oh, his horrible horsefish body. Yeah. So, if you're number one at something yeah and there's a new up-and-comer that could you're number one in something but yeah that was when anakin was nine we're saying anakin now is around about 16 17 so there's already like we don't know how long

a sebulba fish horse boy lives for yeah so this could be like well a kind of like a cars situation yeah like the pixar film cars where it's like well i had my glory yeah i have had done so many rails of jabba's body yeah i i'm i'm done but i can part my knowledge onto this young boy here and i can train him up and i can train up because he's thinking about anakin he he loved the dark side yeah he's a bad boy he's like he's like he see he see the dark side. Yeah, he's a bad boy. He's like, he sees lights, he sees dark side, he's like, ooh. I've got dark side. I've got dark side. And so you can imagine, say, you've got like, I don't know,

the Sebulbits of Ben Quadernalis of pod racing there. Ben Quadernalis, ultimate light side racer. He's being like, this is what you've got to do. You've got to train hard. You've got to appease all your sponsors. You've got to be right to your family. You family you gotta do all the right things you got a healthy body healthy mind yeah sebald was just kind of like smoke darts again smash cunts dory's smashing cunts yeah and so it's gonna be like come on come the dark side and you know i reckon that could be

what happens i think that for that to unfold it has to be a very specific set of circumstances. And I think the common thread that we're going to find throughout this episode with is a lot of these endings for Anakin result in a dead little boy. Yeah, I don't think Anakin makes it to 20. Whether that's a man killed by the mob, dies in a pod race. What did we say before?

You know, the can that burns twice is bright. Half as long or whatever. Yeah, because I just think that, like, there's a lot of situations where a nine-year-old boy is just getting a blast of bolts in the back of the head. But for this, because, again, so Anakin doesn't start pod racing until a little bit later, which we probably decided.

Let's just say it's just the next Bunta Eve classic. So one year, so he's 10. Qui-Gon watching in the stands helps guide anakin meaning that he avoids things like sephalbus yes that's another thing it's all not just natural skill the force is it or is this harry potter are you thinking of snape no you might be thinking of snape no no no so it's like uh because qui-gon obviously knows that anakin's full of bugs yeah qui-gon this situation hasn't qui-gon obviously knows that anakin's full of bugs yeah qui-gon this situation hasn't come down anakin doesn't know he's full of bugs yeah yeah

so he just thinks he's feeling weird yeah qui-gon kind of encourages like a growth in growth in bugs and also like sebulba sabotages pod races at the start of the race anakin stop does anakin's get yeah doesn't anakin's get sabotaged and then they fix it? Yeah. Well, I just feel like that in, there is a big chance first race, Anakin Skywalker gets flamethrowed to death and we've got a charred 10-year-old boy. Oh, 100%. That is one option. Oh, yeah, for sure. And that's like one of many, many options.

But I reckon like if he waited a bit and like Sebulba did his glory, because again, I think Anakin needs a dark side mentor and you better than sebulba well here's my question so getting the dark side going to it turning to it part of that is you got to be it's like passion they're like don't be passionate yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and i think if he if pod racing is encouraged in young anakin that will create passion and on the field it will create anger and those bugs will go evil yeah 100% but also do you know who doesn't really have passion for pod racing who Sebulba yeah you see him multiple times I'm just saying that Anakin might end up using his dark side powers 100% you know in a way he can't control, much like Sebulba's shooting

jets of flame out, Anakin might be force lightning out the side. And immediately gets shot in the head. Like a little hero boy. Why's Sebulba not been shot in the head? Because Sebulba's protected. Anakin's a little boy. They're all little boys! They're all dead!

The mob's protecting Sebulba because he's their golden boy. Yeah, and the moment that Sebulba because he's their golden boy. Yeah, and the moment that Sebulba gets a lightning bolt in the face, they're getting a new golden boy. I just think you want to just see Anakin die. I reckon that with no kind of control from Qui-Gon Jinn or the Jedi Council, Anakin falling into the Dark Sword and becoming maybe like a runner for the mob at some point. Because, again, he's not going to be entering some Bunta Eve classic

under, like, Watto, who has no pod racing skills or any clout. Is Watto connected to the mob? Watto, I think, owes them money or something, doesn't he? So maybe. Or they owe him. A bit of debt. He just offsets a bit of Anakin. Pay it off with Anakin Skywalker.

Seems like the move. Because I think here, again, if he's not being into the Bunta Eve classic and without any other kind of outside control, he's not going to do that. So instead of going into the Boonta Eve Classic, surely he'd be like, well, I like pod racing. And then he might start doing some illegal street racing, which is what pod racing is. He's already started that.

So then he's going to be maybe on the radar of some of the huts. And then they're like, hey, can you do some smuggling for us? Can you do some running for us? That kind of kind of thing i wonder i reckon there's going to be something akin to that you know what i mean just like kind of a lot of you know little small jobs and suddenly yeah he's like waddo's slave but oh no he's also uh owned by the mob yeah for sure or the mob are just like like you were saying earlier oh you've got a debt to us, Water. Give us the boy. We'll take your garage and we'll take your little boy and she's me. I think there's also a big chance that Anakin doesn't have enough prestige to get into the Boonta Eve classic.

That's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like at all, like ever. Well, what? Yeah, yeah, no, because like, I don't think he comes, because he doesn't come from money. He's a slave. Yeah.

To get into that. I'm pretty sure the more I think about it, like there's like a think he comes... Because he doesn't come from money. He's a slave. Yeah. To get into that. I'm pretty sure the more I think about it, like, there's, like, a weird thing where Qui-Gon bet Padme's ship on it, I think. Potentially. Yeah, so, like, there's all of these moving pieces in play is the only reason that Anakin gets in. And that particular one.

So we're saying, like, this guy, he's on the streets of Tatooine. Yeah. He's now doing some, like, drug runs for the mob. He's starting being like, wow, you're really kind of fast this is kind of interesting you might have a career in pod racing and like because that's all just dirty money there and so it wouldn't cost much for

like one of the hut to be like yeah sure we've got Sebulba in the race but why don't we have Sebulba and Anakin in the race so this kind of thing may be the reason and again you've got to think like right then and there at that particular Punta Eve classic yeah. So this kind of thing may be the reason. And again, you've got to think like right then and there at that particular Punta Eve classic. Yeah. Yeah, there's no kind of like formation of teams,

no formation of gangs or whatever. But it is in the best interest of the Hutts to be like, well, what if we had like a bit of a posse here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Sebulba out there is ice and cunts left, right and center for then Anakin or even Sebulba or whatever to then kind of, you know, do like a one-two kind of, you know, combination. Maybe this Anakin is getting into pod racing in his 20s.

Yeah. Maybe quite a bit down the line. And after that, like, you know, and he spent all his teens being a shit kicker for the mob. Mm-hmm. Although. Yeah. If we just like, if we look at Star Wars, because the thing is, what if Anakin stayed pod racing? So obviously he's getting into pod racing.

Star Wars stuff goes very differently, but we'll get to that in a second. Yeah. Anakin, so Shmi get to that in a second. Yeah. So Shmi gets sold to the Lars family. But if Anakin was around, that might not have happened. He might have run Watto through. He might have run Watto through. Or again, you imagine this, him going to some of his mob connections now and being like, that Watto, that piece of shit, he's going to sell my mum.

And then finally, Watto gets shivved a million times. Yeah. Yeah, death by a thousand cuts. Or Watto sells both of them. Or Watto sells both of them. Yeah. Is this when he's already a racer or part of the mob? Yeah.

It would have to be, well, because we don't know how, well, no, actually, because I think Shmi's only just been sold and Anakin's an adult at that point. So that's like eight years later so I guess yeah he's already a runner there's no way

yeah Anakin would just growing up as a slave growing up yeah just growing up as a slave with full of bugs with a pit can

of being like maybe I like the dark side I've also just discovered another part where a ten year old boy is killed because there is also a chance

because Watto again is a slave owner and a piece of shit just realises Anakin's getting caught up in the mob and just kills him yeah oh yeah for sure where a 10-year-old boy is killed because there is also a chance, because Watto, again, is a slave owner and a piece of shit, just realizes Anakin's getting caught up in the mob and just kills him. Oh, yeah, for sure. This is one of those, you know, if you're looking at, you know,

everybody starts at one point and then splits off into a million different possibilities. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every possibility, except the one where he remains a pod racer, is a death little boy. Like, if Doc Brown's drawing that timeline, it's just a million... Many decisions are is a death little boy. Like if Doc Brown's drawing that time line, it's just a million...

Because if Watto kills a rising star in the mob... No, I think it would be earlier than... Even still, if... I don't know. No, because immediately you'd sense that if you... Okay, I need you to be in the peace of mind of someone that owns a person and is one of the biggest cunts in the world.

Your person is doing anything that is rebellious and looks like it may come back to haunt you I just feel like that then would maybe be a death sentence for Watto it would be so early but if you're Watto and you see your kid not your son, your slave

getting involved in the mob who you owe a lot of money to you just sell them to the mob this actually might benefit me in the long run this actually probably I guess you actually can get sold to the mob who you owe a lot of money to you just sell them to the mob yeah you're like this actually might benefit me in the long run yeah yeah yeah it's actually probably i guess you actually anakin gets sold to the mob yeah anakin and probably shmi gets sold to the mob yeah yeah yeah and then anakin like we're all assuming that the moment anakin starts pod racing even if they're the best pod racer in the world they have like what like a five-year limit before they just die on the pod racing track. Nobody can... You can't last. Oh, no, so at this point, Sebulba's dead.

Yeah, Sebulba has died. Oh, no, Quandranalis. Oh, not Ben! Ben dies... No, he dies in the Punta Eve of the one we saw. Different things happened in the Punta Eve in this time. You don't know. Are you saying Anakin is directly responsible for the death of Ben?

I'm thinking it. At least Qui-Gon Jinn. Yeah, at least Qui-Gon Jinn. Without that, maybe by the time we find Anakin pod racing and as a 20-year-old man, Ben Quadranalis is the greatest racer in the galaxy. As another 20-year-old man. As another 20-year-old man.

Exactly. And everyone's saying, Ben Quadranalis, your time has come. It's time to hang your hat and retire. And he says, no, sir. I am 20 years old. I started as a mere boy. I've been through alien puberty. And then

the final race, obviously, is between Anakin and Ben Quadronellas. Anakin force-lightens him. Rest in peace, Ben. Okay, so sold to the mob, starts running for the mob. So I guess, yeah, Anakin just becomes a hot okay so sold to the mob starts running for the mob so i guess yeah anakin just becomes a hot yeah yeah yeah i suppose drives to the hot until he inevitably dies in a podcast oh no the road mike's through his pride samuel wasn't didn't get his eyes on the road in front

of us oh shit he's trying to edit too quick and he died. Pod racer crash. Yes, yeah, yeah. So yeah, like Anakin doesn't live past 25. No. But, all right, so that Anakin stays a pod racer, dies of natural causes in brackets pod racing crash, age 25. So we've established how all of that happens.

He's sold to the mob. All of this happens. Taken under Sebulba's wing. All of that stuff. Now, what happens to the Star Wars universe? Okay. So Qui-Gon Jinn either arrives or doesn't crash onto Toonie or he arrives and is like, no bugs. Let me have a sniff.

No bugs. Nothing. Get back in the ship. Let's go. That means that, well, does Palpatine, and this is a question I think we asked some other point talking about Star Wars, does Palpatine know that Anakin is there?

I think that Palpatine would sense him in the future because there would be things like, as Palpatine's getting stronger, which, I mean, he's already at almost peak strong. But, so Anakin,, how old is Anakin in the second prequel Star Wars movie? How old do we reckon? 17, I think. So, in the timeline,

because Palpatine also has to go through all the Senate shit. Yeah. He's gotta take care of that, surely, before he can go and look into Anakin. Actually, isn't that why- The droids would've won. Oh my god. Episode 1. There's no Anakin to destroy the droid down. Yeah, that's true. The droid generation have won. Oh, my God. Episode one. There's no Anakin to destroy the droid. Yeah, that's true.

Control brain. The droid generation happens. Well, continues to happen, which means that Palpatine, I think. Palpy and Maul. Darth Maul's on Tatooine for that reason. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Darth Maul probably would have just picked. It's another dead little kid.

No, Darth Maul is tracking Qui-Gon. Isn't Darth Maul tracking Anakin? No. Oh, well, there you go. Darth Maul's tracking Qui-Gon Isn't Darth Maul tracking Anakin? No Oh well there you go Darth Maul's tracking Qui-Gon and that Because he attacks them Too easy Yeah but that's because they're Jedi's at the end Where like

Oh no but he's like Hey stay in here you'll be safe Yeah yeah Unless Darth Maul's just trying to kill them to get the kid No Darth Maul's just trying to kill them to get to Padme Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's right But why does he want to kill Padme? Because that's the Queen Armada.

No, but Palpatine doesn't need that to happen. As we saw in the movies. Why does Darth Maul do that? I think Darth Maul is looking for Anakin. No, he's just fighting. Because if you've got two Jedi's that are protecting the kid, you're obviously going to try and kill the Jedi before you take the kid. Because otherwise you hold the kid for two seconds

and you have a lightsaber on your back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess. I feel like he was there for Qui-Gon. Look it up on your little phone. On my little phone? All right. Go, go, go on.

On your little baby wiener dick phone. Find out why the hell Darth Maul was on Tatooine or what. Because in my head, I'm thinking, yeah, they don't know about Old Mate Anakin. And there's that little Wonderful Let me tell you a story About Darth Plagueis the Wise Exactly

And then it's kind of been like Oh yeah He a angel baby Or whatever Hell yeah dude Because Ah Okay no

Yeah It's the tracking queen Amidala You're right Well there you go So they don't even know Anakin's there They don't even know Anakin's there So Palpatine has no idea Any of this is happening

That's so funny He's gonna be like As a disturbance in the force Maybe when Anakin Maybe gives into the dark side And like zaps Ben Quadranalis Yeah exactly Like what the fuck was that?

Whoa Anybody else feel that shit? Yoda being like Yoda doing a little sick up on his robe So that's the thing If something happens to The fact that, like, say, Darth Sidious can, I guess, sense Anakin in the wild, I'm sure then an equally powerful Jedi, i.e. Yoda,

could also probably sense it. Yeah, for sure. But I don't think Anakin ever... So that means... I don't think Sidious ever senses. Well, this brings us to a complicated question. So you take away Darth Vader. Well, because here's the thing.

Anakin's meant to bring balance to the Force, not destroy it. Yeah. That's the thing. You're meant to bring balance. You're meant to bring balance to the Force. He was an Italian in the movie, but in my version. In your Italian Star Wars. You're meant to bring balance.

What are you doing? I'm going to hate a battle inside! Annie, what are you doing? I'mma hate you! Mamma mia! But, so, there's a prophecy, right? That's why he's prophesied to do that. Is the prophecy ever prophesied? Well, that was the complicated... Well, that, and the complicated question is,

does he do that in the films? No. So nothing changes. He brings balance to the force in the sense that No. So nothing changes. He brings balance to the force in the sense that it results in one of each.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think Luke is technically the one who ends up doing it. Well, there's a theory that because Darth Vader throws old mate down a shaft, he does bring balance. He brings a sort of balance.

But he didn't because he come back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So no. I think the prophecy is kind of bullshit. We can kind of all agree the prophecy is dumb and stupid and probably written by some wiener kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so no. I think the prophecy was fake. I think the prophecy was kind of bullshit. We can kind of all agree the prophecy is dumb and stupid and probably written by some wiener kid.

He's looking it up on his little baby dick machine. I left my phone out of this and you told me to bring it in, so obviously I'm going to bring in this thing. So, okay, you take Anakin away from episode one. Yeah. And so say, like, when they go through that barricade, they don't get shot, so they make a beeline to Khorasan. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So they're there now. And I guess they're being like, right, the Jedi now know about the Trade Federation and it's all kind of whack down there. Maybe they send more Jedi forces. Maybe they probably send Jedi down there. Kungans might get wiped out. Good.

You don't have Anakin up in the space to destroy the robot brain. And then, so droids are now more powerful. Well, if they never land on Tatooine, that means that Darth Maul never finds them, which means that Darth Maul remains the second yeah that's what i'm saying yeah i don't know if there'd be a fight between the two and and no no no no which means would be around for a bit longer does that mean in the like original trilogy original why did i get drunk original original andigional, does that mean that instead of Darth Vader being-

It's Maul. It's Darth Maul, but like an old man Maul? That's cool. Let's not forget that Count Dooku is also around for this. Oh, there's too many Counts and Siths going on. Well, yeah, because when does Count Dooku become an apprentice of old mate? Because Count Dooku is a Jedi that's like, actually, fuck this, and leaves. But I think that's-

Because I'm pretty sure Maul and Dooku existed at the same time. But we just don't hear about Dooku until later on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there was the guy that ordered the clone army. And some other cunt that we don't see. Yeah, we don't see or hear much about.

General Grievous is also around. He's not a Jedi. He has four lightsabers. From people he killed. If he did what you would do, found a lightsaber on the ground, I'm like, oh, yeah, this is mine now. He's like, I'm a robot, but I cough for some reason. The only difference is that you would, yeah,

which doesn't make sense because you cough from your lungs. Yeah, that's insane. Maybe he has heart and lungs set, like a set. Why did anyone give a robot lungs? No, it's more of a man turned into a robot. What? Yeah, he's a... Okay, here's a question.

Do you honestly think... Answer this honestly. Do you think that you have actually seen episode one to three in full? Four. Yeah, I didn't think so. I remember seeing three into the cinema. That's it. I don't remember

yeah okay so I guess at the end of episode one without Anakin there well he's just chuffing around doing some drug runs for the Hutt at that point

he's probably still just tinkering on his he hasn't even got to that point he hasn't he's probably just looking at sweet space cocaine

yeah he's probably just looking at Waddle and being like I hate you one day I'll kill you on the street it'll be good.

Just by a thousand stab wounds. Okay, so I guess, what happens to Naboo? It gets blocked and I think they will starve to death unless a separatist agreement comes to terms with the Senate, which- So the Trade Federation. It may be just- Palpatine would probably just take control earlier.

I think the situation would just be boring politics achieve the same result basically I'm just trying to think of what happens generally what happens there because the Jedi are there as peacekeepers they basically get almost assassinated straight away so they would have gone back to their old Jedi temple to be like

hey this is going on down in Naboo we should do shit like that would the Jedi be a bit more staunch and try and maybe take control? Yeah, I think that's possible. They would have to step in more because the way that Palpatine gets, it's a vote in the end. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They all vote to shoot themselves in the dick and or vagina, basically.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A wise move. Rather than, yeah, where I guess if the Trade Federation, like the blockade doesn't move, then Palpatine would be like, Padme, you need to make a deal with them. Otherwise Naboo will starve to death. And Palpatine is on both sides because he's also a separatist.

Meaning that I guess he just gains control quicker. And then the clone army roll in and kill everyone? Order 66 happens but first? So the Jedi come down to Naboo to be like, we are now here to real fuck this up. They'll probably be more aggressive towards the Trade Federation because, again, they did try and kill Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan. That's true.

Would it just be the fight that's on that planet in the second one but in the first one? Yeah. It effectively kind of moves everything from the second movie to the first. And rather than fighting... I hate that one. Kanzuku is the bad guy in this movie. Yeah, you know what I'm saying?

When they're in the arena having fights. They kill, they behead Jango. I know that, but who's the full- They fight lizards and stuff. They're fighting the Separatist Army. Okay, so I'm guessing they're fighting droids and the Trade Federation. So they're fighting the Separatist Army So I'm guessing they're fighting droids It's droids and the Trade Federation So they're fighting them

And the flying flappy lizards Yeah, lizard fellas But they're not there This is Naboo Yeah, that's true It would just be droids Which are already on Naboo The Gungans and the Jedi fight droids

And the Trade Federation Yeah, yeah, yeah So if the Jedi succeed But then Maul comes down as well. And everyone's like, oh, we didn't think Siths have existed for a million years or whatever. But you clearly are a Sith. You look like the devil. But would then Maul come down if he's like,

there's now Jedi there? We need to be more hidden. Maybe then... Because if the Jedi are now more involved, is this going against what say, you know, old mate Sidious wants? You know what? This could result in exactly the same event as the end of episode three,

which is the Jedi come down, but the Jedi finish the job, Trade Federation are destroyed, Separatists fall to pieces, and then Palpatine's like, yes, you should vote for me. Look what we did. You should become an empire. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then he becomes like, wow, we've just fucking steamrolled it. Yeah, we just speedrun the prequel trilogy.

The clone army would still exist. But no one's seen them. So then he becomes like, wow, we've just fucking steamrolled it. Yeah, we just speed ran the prequel trilogy. Without rules. So then you've got two. The clone army would still exist. But no one's seen them. Yeah, no one knows about it yet. So that's a sneaky little clone army that our old mate has. Yeah, just kind of in his back pocket. Being like, well, I can use that whenever. And then presumably.

So Jango's still alive. That's nice. Hey, that's good. Yeah, great. Raise his son. Raise his son properly. Maybe raise him better than stop him from falling's good. Yeah, great. Raise his son. Raise his son properly. Maybe raise him better than stopping him from falling in holes. Yeah, maybe.

Hey, if you make a jetpack, don't make it just go up, son. That's very stupid. You will regret it. So I guess with these machinations, Palpatine is now in power. The Jedi know that the Sith are around. The Jedi know that the Sith are around from the moment that Maul reveals himself to Qui-Gon which happens

immediately after the pod race anyway. Yeah, but that didn't happen. Yeah, but I mean, so like the reveal of the Sith to the Jedi is like three weeks later. So are we talking here or there? We're in Naboo. Fucking Jedi are like cutting down droids and then suddenly they see Maul and they're like, oh shit. Oh fuck. And then we have a sick fight between Maul and multiple Jedi yeah maybe he dies

maybe he doesn't we don't know yeah yeah it's hard to say hard to say does hands on because like the Jedi I mean they get all get killed by clone troopers yeah I guess the element of surprise they're all idiots yeah and it's enough apparently to kill a jedi all you need is the element of surprise well and also i guess if like if a droid like if you've got like 20 droids stand far enough back and just shoot from all directions they can't deflect at all yeah i mean they can well and if they are say fighting the trade federation as well i mean you can spin that with your space meter and be like see what the jedi are doing this is meant to be a negotiation between naboo and the trade Federation and the Jedi are down here

using their authoritarian powers and look at them just slicing through our expensive droids and our live real people Trade Federation. Probably would have

started with that. And also I guess Yeah, yeah, guys I mean look Priorities. Great news Luke Skywalker doesn't exist. Yeah, I know

I was just thinking that. Layup, no. None of that shit. Han Solo keeps just stealing shit. Like a hero. Probably him and Han would know you're Anakin. Yeah, that's true. They'd be smugglers.

That's cool. Or he'd be like, sad that kid died at 25. Of natural causes, open brackets, pod racing crash. Well, I'm happy that Padronalis won the race. Yeah! And then him and Chewbacca. Chewbacca high five. I nearly called him Wookie.

Close enough. They're happy. They love it. They love it because they love Ben Quadranalis, dude. Well, I mean. So that's his prequel trilogy. And it sounds like it's pretty sick. Original trilogy, nothing happens.

Things just continue on. So there's no Darth Vader. No. Alderaan doesn't get blown up. That's nice. There's no need for it. There's no Princess Leia. There's a lot of Siths, though,

because there's Maul and Dooku and other fella. No, no, because it would probably just be either Maul or Dooku because there can only be two or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, maybe he keeps Maul around. He already was. He already didn't seem to give a shit before. He probably doesn't seem to give a shit too much about tradition.

Yeah, yeah, so maybe he keeps them all around, whatever. Then also the sequel trilogy doesn't really happen because the trilogy didn't happen. Yeah, yeah. Rey might still exist. She's on a desert i forgot the she's a palpatine oh yeah she a pal oh that's true maybe things turned out better for her yeah she would have been like the princess of evil yeah that's cool pretty good maybe we get like

a flip of episode or the prequel trilogy it's just that there there's heaps of sith now and not many jedis left, you know? Yeah. And we get like a Sith council. Maybe the sequel trilogy is Rey being sent by a grandfather to kill Yoda. Yeah, that's cool. He hit on a Sith. Oh, wait, no, he's dead of old age.

He's dead of old age. He's just a fucking coat, dude. And Obi-Wan is not living that long either. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's funny that the Jedi went extinct from old age. Oh, those younglings don't get slaughtered. Yeah, that's good.

Slaughtered. Slaughtered. I mean, they probably do at some point. Order 66 still probably happens. Yeah, that's true. Again, dead little boys. Dead little boys. There's litter throughout this timeline.

You could just send them off to pod race. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But none of this really matters because our movie, Anakin Skywalker Pod Racer, was one movie. Yeah. Because it couldn't have been more.

It's the rise and tragic fall of Anakin Skywalker, but quick. And I honestly feel maybe the universe would have been better off if he stayed a pod racer. That's a bold claim to make

considering what we've just said. Yeah, considering the death of all the Jedi and the rise of Sith power. Well, the Jedi are so good. And there's no rebellion. Yeah, there's no rebellion, so there's peace in the galaxy. Bold. A bold claim.

Aldrin isn't blown out. Fascism won! Jaws have a fists in the sky Don't you forget about me Don't you forget about me As Anakin Skywalker explodes And Ben Quadronellis races across the finish line And then a montage of little boys and girls

All across the galaxy being shot in the head Forget about me Don't, don't, don't, don't Wow, it's like my Bunti for Eve wish came true. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. Anakin's been a podracer.

Yippee! Happy Bunti Eve! Hey, did you love Dinosaur Park? The whole Dinosaur Saga, even? Well, did you know that just as the Jolls wrap up their adventures in the vast reaches of space, a brand new adventure has begun? On the very same night that the Jolls entered Dinosaur Park, Jackson's good friends Adam and Cash found themselves trapped in Dinosaur Land,

Jackson's nightmare of a theme park. If you want to be part of the next chapter of the dinosaur saga then head to sans pants plus and for as little as ten dollars a month you gain access to dinosaur park to dinosaur land as well as literally an arse load of other content once again that's sanspantsradio.com forward slash plus head there now the adventure continues