Plumbing the Death Star - What if Batman Had Been Scared of Something that Wasn't Bats? with Nick Mason

Episode Date: July 18, 2021

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Sands Pants Radio, Australia's most procedurally generated podcast network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, what if Batman had have been scared of something that wasn't bats? And, oh, hey, special announcement. Jackson, if you just look to the left of you, you'll find you're sitting next to our friend Nick Mason. Holy chitterole. And that isn't just a coincidence he's joining us for this episode.

I don't think Batman would be afraid of anything other than bats. I think we can probably end the episode here. Thanks so much for joining us. Thanks for listening, everyone. And on that note, I've been... He's right. When he's right, he's right. That's why we brought him in.

Nick Nicholas Faxman Mason. You set him up by shoot him down. With facts and logic. Actually, Batman wouldn't be scared of anything except bats because his name is Batman. Yeah, in the comic books he's afraid of bats. I guess he could be afraid of men. It really makes you think, doesn't it, domestic violence?

I've shot it down again, but in a different way, guys. I was about to launch into man-man, but you made it sad. So we know. A man did kill his parents so maybe he should fear the humans. He said a man. You say a man or a mare. Both are great.

I just need to know which one to focus on first. I said a man but I wish I said the mare. Stay out of crime. What have I said? What did I say in my speeches? Both of our mimes is like a cowboy.

Well, who else is getting elected in Gotham City if not a cowboy? That's true. A cowboy runs for mayor in Gotham City. You vote for him. I know, dude. So if Batman was afraid of cowboys. Yes. Well, because we got it.

So Batman in all media, the reason he becomes the Batman or he picks the Batman as his identity is because he's scared of bats. Yes. He says, I've got to make what I fear what the criminals of Gotham fear. Now, he was lucky, I think, in many ways, that what he feared was something spooky and was something concrete. But there are lots of different fears. I want to pick a fear I have, which is a fear of heights. So I want to imagine if Batman was like, I want to make Gotham's criminals also scared of heights.

Would he be on stilts? Or would he use his vast wealth to change the infrastructure of Gotham in its entirety so it's all on gantries? You're not allowed to live on the ground. You can only live in the sky. You can only fall off Gotham. But then would criminals get used to it, they wouldn't be afraid of it anymore.

It's also funny because I think Batman's incorrect where he thinks Gotham is scared of bats now. They're scared of Batman, maybe. Well, if you're scared of height, I guess you wouldn't be called Batman. You'd be called Heightsman. Or maybe Vertigo. Or maybe Man Heights.

Maybe In the Heightsman. Yeah. So how do you dress like Heights? Or maybe Vertigo. Or maybe Man Heights. Maybe In the Heights, man. So how do you dress like Heights? Yeah, also because straight off the bat, you've kind of fucked up your own idea. Oh, my God. Straight off the Heights, please. Shut it down again. Because if you're scared of Heights,

you getting high just makes you scared. Look, Batman dresses like a bat and he's not scared. Yeah, but you're scared of Heights and then you're getting on stilts. Yeah, but he's overcoming his heights. Like how Batman fell in that cave to become not as fearful as bats, I think. But then if you're scared of heights. Did him falling in the cave make him scared of bats? Yes.

So does that mean that when he falls in the cave it's just really. Caveman. Hole man. So let's assume this is where the fear develops. And I'm just saying that it was a really deep fall. And I just really want to say you're an idiot for suggesting that people are scared of heights when they see a tall person. Yeah, that's fair. Someone on stilts doesn't make me think of being scared of heights.

You're like, whoa, he's really tall. Then Batman bends down, picks him up. And they're like, yeah, I'm up high. No. Stay out of guff. Surely you just carry a ladder around. I don't. What do you mean?

Hell in a cell. What do you mean, what do I mean? Puts the ladder down. Takes the criminal, puts him on top of the ladder, and he's like, see? It's scary. It's scary. I could kick this ladder out from you at any point. Or the ladder could simply just crumble.

Yeah. That sphere of ladder is not high. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, what about this? Maybe he needs to be Have some kind of dirigible suit What? Like a Zeppelin

Yeah And he doesn't have a vehicle like Batman would No, he is the vehicle And so say it's one of Joker's goons Batman, up behind him Grabs him around the shoulders In flights They start flying up into the sky above Gotham.

He gets whatever information he needs out of him. He's like, I'll drop you. He's like, please don't. Skedder Heights. Okay, but that's of course assuming that the Joker would exist as a villain. If Batman were not Batman, he was some sort of Zeppelin Heights man. Because that maybe the Joker's

origin would be different. Yeah, I guess because it would be, it probably wouldn't be like he was kicked into a vat of chemicals at Ace Chemicals. It would be more like he fell from a high. Squished face, man. He just landed in a football field. It's an open field. You want to know how I got this squished face?

Maybe he'd be the scarecrow. He lands feet down in the field, embedded in the ground, arms out. Well, kind of like how, I guess, in terms of heights, this Zeppelin height man is going high. He's just height still. I've walked into Zeppelin height. Yeah. Okay, fine.

High man. He's like, I'm scared of heights by extension Zeppelins. If the Joker falls and lands on his feet, I think he'd become quite squat. Kind of like Hank Hill's dad where he has basically no knees. He's a very tiny man. Tiny man, no knees, no elbows. Can't scare me because I'm so close to the ground. I've become the world's greatest villain. Dorf on golf.

A reference that only I get. It was a golf parody video and he sat on his knees. He had little shoes on his knees. That was scary. Oh my god, Paul Mendes has got Nick Mason. Was that a King of the Hill reference

that I didn't understand? Was that a reference to a parody video? Dorf on golf. Dorf on golf? Dorf on golf. Dorf on golf. Dorf on golf. Dorf on golf. Yeah, come on. There's a lot going on.

Yeah. Golf. Golf, right for parody. They rest silly. Does Batman create all his villains? I mean, I know this is a classic Batman question. I mean, that's that. It's a great question.

Well, so I'm guessing instead of- Or does Gotham simply? Because Gotham's a character on its own. Yeah. It's like the city and sex in the city. So instead of, I guess, the bad demon, it's like the rigible demon. Yeah.

Well, yeah. Gotham's really the second Batman. Yeah. So when the Scarecrow, like he gets a whiff of his own fear gas, instead of seeing a flaming bat, he sees the Hindenburg going down. Oh, you're mad.

It's also so funny to imagine this Batman, sorry, man being like i'll make them scared of heights and he's like to do that i need to become a dirigible and everyone just gets scared of dirigible no this thing that doesn't exist anymore for the most part that's not what i want people to be afraid of actually isn't gotham full of zeppelins the animated uh yeah scary is full of Zeppelins. Scary! Does Batman own these? Is it the Blitz? Not. What? Isn't that where...

Is it the Blitz in Gotham? The Nazis? Is it when the Nazis attack out of England and we're gonna quickly go via Gotham? Barely the question Doucher asked, is Gotham when the Nazis attacked London? In World War II.

There's always a hierarchy of podcasts, and we've got to pick the fool. When real-life England was full of Zeppelins during World War II, that resulted in the Blitz, right? Yeah, we called it the Blitz, yeah. Yes. Why does Gotham have heaps of Zeppelins? I assume because Gotham is sort of based on like 19,

it's like an Art Deco version of New York. There were Zeppelins in New York then? No further questions. Do we think that Batman, sorry, Heights Man. Zeppelin Heights, but all right. Okay, fine. Zeppelin Heights, man. I'm sorry, but I'm not calling him Heights Man. Zeppelin Heights, but all right. Okay, fine. Zeppelin Heights Man. I'm sorry, but I'm not calling him Heights Man.

Zeppy the big hero man. What about Zepp Man? I like Zeppy. Zeppy's good, yeah. Zeppy's good because it's the bottom half of Giuseppe. Let's just call him Giuseppe. Okay. Giuseppe.

Giuseppe Man. Hey, you guys can leave, but I don't believe in Giuseppe, actually. It's something to do with this crime. Yeah, just go home because you think Giuseppe's going to get you. Yeah, I can fight Giuseppe easy. I'd like to see him thrive. That's the sound of him inflating. Oh, fuck.

The benefits of Giuseppe, man, is that I think he's more of... I'm more afraid of him during the daylight. Yes. Because I can see more of the ground. That's true. At night, it's not that scary. Do heights get less scary in the night? Is that a thing you are both claiming?

Well, I just said I can see worth of the fall as opposed to... Jackson, you said you're scared of heights. If you're on a Ferris wheel at night or a Ferris wheel during the day... It is more scary during the day. You can see more. I don't know why. Again, I have a fear of heights. And again, if I'm on a roller coaster during the day, terrifying.

Yeah. Roller coaster during the night, though. I'm excited. Very romantic. Not as scary for some reason. Great place to propose. I agree. Ring flies away.

But you're going so quickly that you come around and get a swallow. Will you? Will I what? Marry me. Marry me. Yeah, that's beautiful. Um, do is it's what I like about Giuseppe man is that it seems like the name's really gotten away from Bruce Wayne.

He's like, I'll be Heights man. And they're like, it's Zeppelin man. And he's like, okay, that's fine. It's Zeppi. No, it's Heights Man. It's Giuseppe. Our Italian protector. No, um... Oh, I've lost the narrative here. This is, uh...

Okay, no, no. I gotta give a press conference. Ladies and gentlemen of Gotham, welcome our Italian knight, Giuseppe. No, no, no. Stop the music. I'm not Italian.

What? Are you telling me that you're pretending to be Italian? No, I wanted to be Heisman. You should be cultural appropriation, man. I never said I was Italian. But your name's Giuseppe. It's not! Great news for Bruce Wayne, though,

because he can just inflate his suit and float away from any press conference. This is the most embarrassing thing I've ever experienced. It's funny because it sounds like it takes a while. It would. And then up he goes to heaven or whatever. Is he going to make a Giuseppe car? Or the Giuseppe copter? It's a Mr. Whippy van.

I think he'd have jets. Yeah. So I don't think he'd need a car. Well, if he's got a suit that flies, does he need a vehicle? He might need a car to get around. I don't imagine he flies with speed. When you guys were kids, are we going to do Heights Man this whole episode? Oh, yeah. Go on to other ones. Okay, great. When you guys were kids, are we going to do Heights Man this whole episode? Go on to other ones.

When you guys were kids, what were you afraid of? Because I feel like if your parents are killed by... I'd probably be scared of crime, to be honest. I was going to say Santa. I refuse to sit in Santa's lap as a child because I'm like, no, not for me.

He's a stranger. I get that. He's scary. He's greedy. He smells of booze. But he operates all year round and he beats up criminals. And really messes with the kids of Gotham. Yeah, they're like, Santa's here. Oh, what's he doing to that man? Oh my god, he's just slamming his head into a wall. Have I been good

this year? Don't look at me! I do like Santa, man, because he comes with a lot of... he's got his own themes going on that's true more than Hatsman ever did Giuseppe could never

keep up with Santa man like his batarangs now are kind of like candy kang rangs because I got away from it well I think also yeah

you're almost there swinging at not quite a miss candy kang rangs what have I been a good owl? He's got his own inbuilt Robins of elves. Yeah, that's true.

What has Heightsman got? Nothing. Nobody wants to work with Heightsman. But with Santa Man, so like, I guess I was going to be like, it's a bit humiliating for Robin to have to dress up as an elf, but Robin's outfit's humiliating. Robin already is dressed like an elf. Just give him pointy ears, whatever.

If anything, if he's as an elf, he might have his legs covered. How many times can Santa Man say, you've been naughty to the criminals before it becomes old hat? You know what I mean? Zero times, I guess. That's the answer.

I reckon once. You can get away with it once. I don't think you can call a villain naughty. What about you? Yeah, you've been a naughty boy. Depends what you sound to me. The narrative's getting away from him again. Gotham's

sexiest protector. Thank you for calling me attractive, but that's really not the point. Why is the city of Gotham attracted to Father Christmas? Well, if you didn't call us naughty, I don't know. I think he gets one naughty. It's Daddy Man. Older Gentleman Man.

Okay, Gotham Hugh Protector is a big, sexy bear. No, I'm just like Santa Claus. Yeah. It's dark, so we didn't see you had red. So we just see you look like a big man with a beard. Yeah, which was sexy. That's what Gotham's into, yeah. Well, that wasn't the intent.

I don't really feel you at all. In fact, the criminals have quite the opposite feelings. Most people, it's so funny as well for him to like, I don't know, maybe he's got like an informant for the Riddler tied up. And he's like, you're going to tell me where the bombs are. And he's like, you know, to tell me where the bombs are. And he's like, you know most people aren't scared of Santa? Most people actually quite like Father Christmas. Well, I'm going to make you hate him.

That's just you've set yourself a difficult task. That's all I'm going to say. Again, his villains might take it out. If they have any kind of unhappy families or unhappy childhood where they didn't get what they wanted for Christmas, might take it out on Santa Man. That's true.'s my nintendo yeah who are you being then bane is this santa man using his theming to his advantage by like sending presents to the joker yeah just a constant stream of presents back and forth yeah okay chattering teeth and

bombs each way. What if the Joker's been good that year? Yeah, that's true. Does Santa Man abide by the naughty nice list? He'd have to, I think. Yeah, I think he would have to too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got his own internal set of moral codes.

Yeah, exactly. Like Batman has his own strict justice code. You just let people die unless they've got a gimmick, in which case you let them live no matter how many murders they've done. 100%. So Joker has been good for a year. You're like, well, I'll let him out. I guess you can poison the water supply. Yeah, that's cool.

We'll call that your Christmas present. How about that? I'm just trying to think because then Santa Man, obviously on Christmas Day, has to pretend that he's delivering presents. Yeah, he does. Oh, no, Christmas Day. he doesn't wear Christmas Day. That's your Christmas Eve, though.

Christmas Eve, I apologise. It's the busiest night. No, not at all. He just lets crime run rampant. He's got the illusion that he's out giving talks. He's become so muddled in his own mind that he's like the real Santa. He's deeply, because he picked up this gimmick and then his parents were murdered.

Yeah, it fucked up. That's crazy that this version of Bruce Wayne Started being Santa man before his parents died Bruce we're going to see Zorro Mum and dad Okay Bruce Still doing the Santa thing Cool That's a crazy thing for Joe Chill to come in and see

He built it as a defense making his winner he had to go see Santa Santa be like who's the next little boy and then this kid little kid would show up dressed as Santa like I'm Santa would his suit be like a kind of like big-ballied suit? Or would it be sexy? I think it's sexy because Gotham's turned on for some reason. I'm not saying it's not sexy. I'm saying would he put on the weight himself?

Or would it be like a kind of... Because there'd be room for gadgets if he had a fat suit, I guess. That's very true. But that's less sexy. If he had a big belly, I kind of like that. Yeah. Well, it could be a big belly that also... It's like a fake big belly full of gadgets.

Okay. I think as a regular Gothamite, if I found out that he wasn't like a big belly, I'd be like, oh, he's lying. Yeah, I think maybe big belly sack full of gadgets. Yes. Oh, that's good. What about sack full of bricks

and you just hit him with the sack of bricks? Even better. Got for Christmas for you. It's always bricks. Why? God damn it. You've been naughty, have a brick. Oh my God.

I really like to show your emotion as well, it was like you were swinging a cricket bat. No, no, no, swinging, so sack. Grab the sack and swing the sack full of bricks. Like a lock in a sock. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I think Gotham's criminals would be scared of him then.

I'm not scared of the Santa aspect, but you're a very violent man. Because instead of like with Batman, you often come to them tied up, hanging from lampposts. I guess in this situation, you just come to half-caved in heads. Santa man struck again. During December or... And so during actual Christmases, people would put up, their decorations on their tree would be just men with their heads caved in.

Little effigies of men with their head caved in. He's ruined this town. He's ruined Christmas for Gotham. Yeah, what happens during the November, December period where people are hired to be Santa Clauses? Well, then it's a scary time for Gotham's criminals because they're not safe. They don't know which one could be the real Santa.

Neither are Santas. They're not safe. Neither are safe. You wouldn't sit on a santa's lap you wouldn't get you put your kid on santa's lap because they could be exploded at any moment but therefore santa man all these dreams have come true but you never know if the joker or the penguin is sending out children to kill the santa so it's a horrible proxy war between kids and Santa happening across Gotham. Oh, my God. Penguin's dressed up.

This child is... There's a child sitting on the lap of Santa. Yeah. It's revealed to be a penguin. She's then revealed to be a bomb. Two bombs. They're both bombs. Oh, my God.

I was imagining the Santa's like, oh, well, little Timmy, I'll show you what I've got for Christmas for you. And then he pulls out a gun. But as he brings it back around, the kid's got a gun on him. Very clever, little Timmy, I'll show you what I've got for Christmas for you. And then he pulls out a gun, but as he brings it back around, the kid's got a gun on him. Very clever, little Timmy. And maybe both of those are like henchmen, but maybe they're just one's a kid and one's a real Santa. But they don't know anymore.

Kids are going to carry guns. Santa's going to carry guns. It's so dangerous. Anyone could be a kid criminal or a Santa, Santa man at any point. It's a good disguise. That's true. In those particular, a lot of dead kids in Santas, but otherwise. December's a crazy time for Gotham.

I think maybe he's nemesis if we're going to give him a Joker-esque character. I think we should. It's probably, he becomes Jokerised. He becomes the Joker because he's that guy who's like, oh, Christmas comes earlier. Oh, you're putting up your decorations in November, are you? But then he's like, the decorations

are up all year, all the time. Every second I'm awake. I'm the Joker now, baby. I'm the Joker now, baby. Yeah, I'll be like Christmas cheer or something. But he's a Grinch, something but he's a Grinch maybe he's a Grinch all it takes is

one early cheer and you become the Grinch yeah baby that's how it happens and he's got that big curly mouth already the Grinch

so I mean it works perfectly could also be and he's green Joker's hair is green and now a quick word from our sponsors what were you scared of

as a boy Joel Dusha that is a great question. Heights? Rollercoasters. Rollercoasters for a bit. Rollercoasters. The rollercoaster tycoon. Okay, well, Bruce Wayne has enough, I think,

money and political sway as opposed to putting a monorail in Gotham to put a monorail that is a roller coaster. Yeah, yeah. Maybe he adds his own. Lots of sick businessmen. Loops. Maybe he can change it. The problem with Gotham was it wasn't fun.

He dedicates his money and his time to building a new commuter rail system around the city. And when they demonstrate it first, it goes, and we're approaching the first stop. And it just keeps going around. And he's like, yeah, no, it goes, and we're approaching the first stop, and it just keeps going around. And he's like, yeah, no, it doesn't stop. You have to leap off. Now, like, isn't this a rollercoaster? He's like,

that sounds pretty scary to me. I'm just Bruce Wayne businessman. I'm not a rollercoaster tycoon. Wink. Wink. Behind him is a big lever you just have to pull. What's the plan for getting criminals with this rollercoaster? I think every every i think most surfaces in gotham have a rail through them at some somewhere like any any given you're like hey i'm not i'm not scared of the roller coaster tycoon i'm gonna do this go home if you're scared of the roller coaster tycoon and then you look down and there's

a track between your legs and you're like oh no collected just on the front of the roller coaster as it careens through gotham this is crazy because i feel like the implication is bruce wayne is not the he builds a roller coaster then he takes a step back the roller coaster will protect all you think it's just it's just rant there's so much crime in gotham but there's so many rollercoasters in Gotham that the problem solves itself. Exactly. You can't do a crime if you're having a fun time on a rollercoaster.

Or being hit by a rollercoaster. Everybody in Gotham is either being hit by a rollercoaster or on the rollercoaster. So we're okay. Hey, you guys, you guys want to do a crime? You want to break into the Gotham National Bank? No, we're having fun on the roller coaster. What are you talking about, Johnny Two Legs?

We're at the roller coaster. But then I think candy sales would go up. Absolutely. What if Gotham becomes a veritable circus? Yeah, carnival now. Oh, the Joker, he loved that shit, but maybe he'd be on the roller coaster. Maybe he'll be happy. He'll be like, finally.

Well, there's no Batman. But maybe he'd be on the roller coaster. Maybe he'll be happy. He'll be like, finally. Well, there's no Batman. There's just a roller coaster tycoon who's turning Gotham progressively into a carnival. I mean, you've ruined Gotham, but for a different reason. It's maybe made it better. I don't know.

Tourism's way up. Something that Gotham has obviously struggled with for a long time. For sure. I mean, the money, I guess you've converted money into tickets. Yeah. If you, because Batman's plan here, excuse me, Bruce Wayne's plan here seems to be understanding. We haven't mentioned Batman at all.

I don't know what he's talking about. Who's Batman? Why would you dress as a bat in the roller coaster that takes care of everything else? But like, so the roller coaster is going to collect civilians, right, as well. Well, yeah, my famous saying will be, let the roller coaster sort them out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's just like, we will get criminals amongst the civilians civilians right as well well yeah my famous saying will be let the roller coaster sort them out yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah so it's just like we will get criminals amongst the civilians and that's a pretty good proportion only the coaster can judge me that's right even bruce wayne's in danger of getting coasted right he's put so many he's put so many coasters down he doesn't know he doesn't know where it's gonna come i imagine the only thing that that rollercoaster tycoon, the guy does is like, he's just occasionally got the button to change the rail. But maybe he's not even, it just randomly changes. He's not even doing it anymore. I feel your villains are like a city planner.

Yeah. City planner. City hall. Yeah, that's a nice villain. Yeah, health and safety people. Oh, H&S. Oh, big time. Other big carnival. Health and safety Oh H&S Big time Other big carnival

Cirque du Soleil will probably be upset I sort of imagine that you think this will Help crime in Gotham But it'll make more crime as all the crime families Create their own anti-coasters Just other entertainment options That people could have Hey what are you coming to the movies

You have to innovate You're putting little laptops Little screens on the rollercoasters You can watch movies on the coasters Big film You're the greatest villain there But I mean Bruce Wayne doesn't seem like he's interested In doing anything with it anymore anyway

Anyone who gets motion sickness will turn into the Joker. Yeah. It's kind of a machine for making jokers. And really it's cleaning up anyone that's slow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. Are you cleaning the roller coasters of the human viscera? That covers their every square inch?

No. Let that be a warning to anyone who wants to do crime or live in Gotham City you will die the blood really greases the wheels

of these coasters welcome to Gotham City you will die whether you've done a crime or not the coaster will take care of you well then it also becomes like a haunted house

because people love haunted houses where it's like yeah this haunted house is so scary that like seven people have no shit died. Got so scared they fucking died, bro.

They were like, dude, Gotham City's coaster has killed so many fellas that it's haunted as shit, dude. It's chockers of ghosts. I was already scared of the coaster. I don't need ghosts. Now I'm advertising to daredevil enthusiasts. Maybe daredevil. Do you want to kill them? No. I don't want ghosts. Now I'm advertising to daredevil enthusiasts. Maybe daredevil. Do you want to kill them? No.

I don't want to take their money. But they will die. And also people like true crime aficionados have probably heard a podcast about how Gotham City is killing all these people with a roller coaster. It's probably a Netflix documentary about how dangerous it is. A true crime investigative podcast seems to be a pretty easy answer for this one.

Who set this up? I think it was the ghost. Bruce Wayne 20 years ago. Bruce Wayne is killing the children. Yeah, wow. Interesting choice. I was just being honest. No, good on you.

Good on you. Can I just say? Yeah, I sat too far front of a roller coaster when I was probably being honest. Good on you. Good on you. Can I just say? Yeah, I sat too far front of a roller coaster when I was probably a bit too young for that and shit my, not actually shit myself. I'm no Jackson Bailey. I'm going to imply you've shit yourself, even though I've never told me a story where that's the case. You know?

You're famous for shit yourself. You're good. For no reason. Yeah, you're always shitting yourself, Jack. I know you don't like to talk about it on the podcast, but it's definitely 100% a thing you do. You're going to embarrass things you always say. I've heard about it.

There's no fighting back. I just had to lean in. Yeah? Yeah. He admitted it. He admitted it. Oh, my God, you see yourself all the time. Yeah, and it's sick, and it's cool too, actually.

I think I was afraid of sleeping when I was a kid. This is going to be a tough one. Yeah, I was afraid of falling asleep when I was a kid. So what happened if you fell asleep? I don't know. I didn't like the idea. Oh, wait, was it the feeling? Because I've heard of this before.

The feeling of falling asleep freaks out some kids. Yeah, I get the same thing. And even to this day, the idea. Oh, wait, was it the feeling? Because I've heard of this before. Like the feeling of falling asleep freaks out. Yeah, I get the same thing. And even to this day, the idea of going from awake. You're going to shit yourself while you're asleep because it's a problem you have, a very common problem. You don't have to be embarrassed by it, dude. It's fine. Dude, it's fine that you do big diarrhea shits in your pants

while we're trying to record a podcast. You just do big, sloppy, horrible shits in your pants. I think it's bad, if I'm honest. For professionalism's sake. I actually think it's bad. I know you guys are all used to it because it happens so often and you've had

to normalise it, but as someone outside looking in and the fact that it's happened multiple times while I've been in here, I think it's not normal and not cool. It's crazy I've not been to the doctor. It's crazy. It explains why it's really hard to get guests. Yeah, yeah. Is this a podcast with that guy who just shits himself all the time?

I don't know if I want to come on it. Thank you very much for the offer. No, thanks. So are you imagining a Batman that makes everyone just fall asleep? Sorry, sleep man? I don't know. He's afraid of falling asleep. Isn't that what Sandman does? Well, I would say the opposite, because he's afraid of falling asleep, so he's constantly up.

Okay, so about him. Cocaine man. So methamphetamine man. Methamphetamine man. Hell yeah. I don't know if Gotham... Methamphetamine. No, methamphetamine.

Crystal pipes for all. Does he... So really, I guess Bruce Wayne has to do nothing for Gotham. I meant glass pipe. Yeah. I used the correct slang. No one make fun of me. You're cool, dude.

Don't worry, dude. You've retained... This guy shoots his pants! Yes. So is this a version of... Is Crystal Meth Man making... Is he getting everybody else in Gotham? Is he just introducing meth to Gotham?

Only to the criminals, right? Because he has to instill that fear. Because that thing of you're sleepy and you're about to fall asleep and you're like, no, I don't want that so again you got it you got to get him tired it's so easy to imagine this crystal meth man 20 years down the track at the head of a crystal meth empire who's like wait a second what was that he's got to get him tied so maybe maybe he could employ like he could gainfully employ all the criminals he could be like hey you're in

you know you're involved in a life of crime, and I think I can help you with that. So here's a good job, one of my facilities, right? And then he massively overworks them. And then they get kind of tired, right? And then they're like, oh. And he's like, you've made the one mistake. And he comes in and he beats them up. Well, yeah.

What about, rather than methamphetamine. You go into jail. Wait, what? I rather than methamphetamine- You're going to jail. I'm working. I'm working. Wait, what? I turned my life around. You made your first and only mistake, douchebag. And they're like, no! It is great to imagine just a Batman that sneaks into a criminal's house while they're

asleep and just punches them in the face. Just shuffles into their bedroom. Yeah, that's a better idea, because you need to introduce methamphetamines to the good guys Not the bad guys You need to be You as methamphetamine needs to be the one smoking the meth And then criminals If anything you've got to

He just lets them go He lets the crime happen But then he just follows them to their house Waits them to fall asleep Because of the rigours of their daily life. Exactly. You've got to make them afraid of sleep. Yeah, exactly.

And they're scared of going to sleep because that's when Batman, methed out of his mind, eyes bloodshot, teeth grinding, punches them in the face. Batman, I imagine, has done so much meth that he doesn't know who he's hitting anymore, so just the entirety of Gotham is scared to go to sleep. Mission accomplished, I guess. Everyone is afraid of sleep time. I think you turn Gotham into the city that never sleeps because, again...

Oh, Vegas, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They might sleep during the day. Oh, yeah. And everyone is nocturnal. But Methamphetamine Never sleeps It's also so funny Because I imagine

It's not like he kills you It just hurts What? Oh my fucking nose Shit God damn it Fuck Don't do it again

Don't do what again? Don't go God damn it He's at your window Smash the window Running away Hey the best part is No one's ever gonna believe you

Yeah they are You can do this to everyone This is a single citizen It's part of our education in primary school don't go to sleep batman will punch you sorry methamphetamine where are you getting it from methamphetamine is going by like a kindergarten it's nap time wow get them young i mean it's scary but I'm not scared of sleep.

I'm scared of getting punched by methamphetamine. Yeah, whilst I'm asleep. Fair call, fair call. And the thing is, yeah, because methamphetamine can't really ever hit you if you're awake. Yeah, that's true. Causing everyone a lot of unrest. I mean, there's going to be a huge spike in the sales of those glasses that look like you're awake. You've got the eyes painted on them.

Again, because he's met that. He doesn't know. He's just coming up, just fist clutched above your head, being just unsure of what to do. That's when you've got to wake up and grab him. Nice try! Imagine him so wily and, like, springy. Oh, yeah, he's slippery, sweaty, it's real bad.

Thin, frail. Push him over, whatever. Do we think, how long's he lasting? Without any sleep. What is his career? His career as a crime fighter. I guess he'll just start micro-sleeping, and I think human beings can, not well, but survive off that.

Yeah, that's true, that's true. He'll just constantly, like, occasionally fall asleep in his bat meth cave chair. Yeah, that's true. He'll just constantly, like, occasionally fall asleep in his bat meth cave chair. Like his, he will eventually crash. Yeah, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. So he'll be getting sleep, but he won't realise it. Or you'll wake up in your bedroom and Methamphetamine will be just asleep on the floor, sprawled out

and you'll be like, I think he was going to punch me in the face. Time to get my revenge! But he can't feel it. He doesn't know. He's got no feeling in his face. Oh, that's sad. Well, I think he eventually just burns out and falls asleep in an alleyway or whatever. That's a sad end to Mephisto.

Or his heart explodes, which is also something that could easily happen, depending on how much- Stop, Joker! Done. Joker's still around, I guess. Okay, well, what about some abstract fears, like a fear of death?

You know Well Batman uses guns now Yeah I suppose so But he Yeah And knives What about

Maybe not death It's like a fear Of your own mortality Like fear of time Well yeah Like he grabs the criminal And he's like One day you will be an old man

Or he grabs the criminal And he's like Hey when was the last time You were in high school That's right 20 years ago Yeah exactly He's coming up to your

25th reunion. The logo on his costume, it's the cover of Nirvana's Nevermind. He's like, this baby's 40 years old now. How fucked is that? He flips over and it's the guy as he is now. This is what he looks like. Oh, my God, I'm so old. I'm not going to stop being a criminal, but it's crazy to learn that.

Yeah, it is crazy, isn't it? Yeah, man. Yeah, yeah. Time, I'm so old. I'm not going to stop being a criminal, but it's crazy to learn that. Yeah, it is crazy, isn't it? Yeah, man. Time, it gets us all. You notice every time you look in the mirror, you're looking older and older. That doesn't stop. Yeah, and years go by quicker and quicker. That's a passage of time, baby. Christmas starts earlier every year.

It's in November. They're putting the decorations up. It's crazy. Isn't that upsetting? Do you still want to do crime? Yeah, this is unrelated. Why? The thing with that, with Fear of Time Man or whatever, your life is worse now,

man. What are you doing? What are you improving? I mean, none of these people are improving Gotham City. Batman's not improving Gotham City. Is it like Ghost of Christmas now? Yeah, Ghost of Christmas now. It's not improving Gotham City. Is it like Ghosts of Christmas now? Yeah, Ghosts of Christmas now. Christmas future.

What is he trying to instill? Yeah, you will get old. Okay. It just sounds like he's upset about it. He'll just become the jigsaw killer, I guess. But then, the thing with this though, is if you're reminding criminals that their best days are behind them, they're going to keep doing crime to make the best... Yeah, they're going to be like, well well I might as well do a bunch of cocaine

then but Batman I'm 20 now I reckon I could do some things yeah this feels like the kind of thing where Batman's like hey you've aged and you're like you too man and he's like oh my god because he's wearing a mask you can't see his face but you see it

are you crying in there no no I guess another common fear is spiders You can't see his face, but you just hear, Are you crying in there? No. No. Well, I guess another common fear is spiders. Yeah, it could have become Spider-Man. Yeah. But he bites people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. I just imagine his suit being very aggressively like a spider. Yeah, yeah. It would be a hairy suit. Yeah. It would almost kind of look like an ape suit, I reckon. Yeah, you you know that like, it's like a costume you can get for a dog that looks like a spider and then they run around

like that, but for a human. The kind of thing where his arms are attached to four fake arms underneath. Yeah, he would probably end up looking like Man Spider to be honest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The best superhero that has ever been. Agreed. Yeah, of course, dude. Does that mean then his villain, like, Spider-Man

would just be a... What? He, like Spider-Man? Yeah. What? You got like Man-Bat then Batman? Oh, I see what you mean. If he is Man-Spider, then his villain would be Spider-Man. But it's a man who looks like a spider. Yeah. Because Spider-Man, sorry, Man-Spider is a man who's dressed like a spider,

but Spider-Man is a man who is a spider, half a man. Yeah, yes. Do you know an easier way to explain that one if I just switch back to Batman? Yeah, that is true. But it's also funny to go back through all of our previous ones. He's dirigible. He's half dirigible. He's half actual Santa.

And? He's half a roller coaster. Is he just a bot, like a torso on a cart? Yeah, like a centaur, but like instead of a horse, it's a roller coaster, and he's wailing his fists. You're going to get punched in the back of the head and then collected by a roller coaster. Or it's the opposite, legs of a man, top half of a roller coaster. That's even scarier because he's not like withholding by tracks. Or it's the opposite. Legs of a man, top half of a roller coaster. That's even scarier because he's not withholding by tracks.

He can go wherever. I was imagining, hey, what are you going to leave? You think the roller coaster, we're not even in any tracks. Oh, my God, what the fuck is that? I was imagining front half of a roller coaster, but then the back of the roller coaster, there's like neck and then a human body dragged on by. Like an attack on Titan, kind of one of those giant monsters. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Horrible. Oh, yeah, for sure. None of these are all horrible. None of these are not horrible. None of these have been good. I mean, that's half Santa's fun. Yeah, that's, I mean, what's the difference? Yeah.

So you have a Santa fighting Santa, basically. Yeah. Which one do you think of the various incarnations of Bruce Wayne we've described you would be the most afraid of? I think Method Fataman is a bit

scary. Method Fataman's a real physical threat in a way that many of the others weren't. If my entire city was roller coasters, I wouldn't be scared as much as I'd be moving. Yeah. And depending how loud they were, I might be able to dodge them. Well, also, it's such a ridiculous concept. I can't even really picture it. But a man on meth who wants to punch me in the face.

Only when I'm asleep is scary. Santa's, I mean, that's plausible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Santa is scary already. I'm afraid because of the uncertainty around that November, December time. Yeah, yeah, when the kids are killing the Santa. It's a scary part of the year. Dirigible man, I'm...

Dirigible man, I sort of picture having a brief career where he floats up and gets caught by a strong wind and goes out to sea. We never see him again. Also, like, gods yeah balloons not strong against god they shoot him once flop onto the face into a like inflatable penguin yeah yeah oh the humanity. That man is dead. Hindenburg man. Yeah, that's what he becomes. Remember that time in Gotham when man became a Hindenburg?

Oh, the humanity, because it's a guy. Oh, the humanity. That's an actual guy. That sucks. Yeah, but there was no one on him, so actually the death count is lower. The Hindenburg disaster,

this isn't a funny riff or anything. It's just I always think that there was so many people that died, but it wasn't actually, I mean, loss of life is sad. Yeah. But it was only like 10 guys. Who cares? What I'm hearing from that is you think that a loss of life isn't sad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't listen to the whole sentence you said. I will say if it's part of life, it's fine. And funny. And funny. People dying, hilarious. It's fine. And funny. And funny. People dying. Hilarious. They shit themselves.

This city over here. You got me good. At least that means when you die, you don't need to worry about anything. You don't need to be self-conscious. We've already experienced it multiple times. I would have been. I'd be dead. I think I'm very terrified of methamphetamine.

Yeah, methamphetamine. Because he feels like a real threat. Like what Jackson said before, your brain can absolutely imagine living in a neighborhood where you're like, okay. Would he wear a cape? No, I imagine he's shirtless. Yeah, I imagine shirtless.

Shirt as a cape or Australian flag cape. Yeah, I imagine shirtless but with a cape or Australian flag. See, I was imagining, so like, you know, like you take a hoodie off, but it's still around your neck. Oh, yeah, that's a good one, yes. Yeah, that. I also imagine he's got a piece of A4 paper stapled to his chest that just says, no sleep.

Just staple that to your chest. Yes. Did it hurt? No. Did it hurt? Yes. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've been Joel. I've been Jackson.

I've been Joel. I've been Mason. And Nick Mason. Where can we find you? You can go to the Weekly Planet. You can't go there. It's not a location. It's a state of mind, guys.

It's a podcast you can listen to. We're very serious about Batman. None of this frivolous nature. He's just Batman to me. How many people have shat themselves on that podcast? I mean, maybe one. I don't know. Okay, I'll take me. How many people have shat themselves on that podcast? I mean, maybe one. Okay, I'll take it. Would you

consider it a chronic problem or like a one-off? Do you have a solution if there's maybe someone in this podcast that suffers from that as a chronic problem? It's okay if you do. It's fine. We're not shaming you. I would probably make it your whole thing. Just lean into it and just really ruin some chairs, I reckon. Well, I have been, so.

I've lent in. Look what you've done to me. Jackson Bailey, the man who shits himself. Constantly. In 1977, Marvel attempted to answer the important questions with their What If line of comics. They failed. With their What If line of comics, they failed. Now, in the year of 2021, the Plumbing Boys have picked up the slack and dare to ask once again, What If?

What if the Avengers had never been? Months are flying by, your brain cells plummeting. We are reaching final thoughts so quickly. What? Please show you're working there. Well, like, so... Yeah, what? Okay, because in the...

So is he Hulk, who then... Hang on. We're hanging on. What do you mean? Please show you're working. Was he born as Hulk? Why? I don't know.

If Hulk can sue, I can. Five, four, three. Is that a boy? Two, one. The Fantastic Four simply rebranded as the Three Uncles with Papa Grimm. Let me look you in the eyes and tell you, you are no one's uncle. Ben, you are no one's uncle. Mr. Grimm, you are no one's uncle.

Hear me now. You are no one's uncle. Listen, not a single person. Don't answer. Don't talk back. Know this in your heart of hearts. I need to know you were listening when I say this. Your siblings have not given birth to children. No one calls you uncle.

You are not an uncle. Johnny Storm. Johnny Storm is the dumbest one, right? Because he was just there. Why is he just there? Why did he go to space too? Is that a lie? Captain America, they put him in the machine.

They're like, he's going to come out a super soldier. They open it up. They're like, he's fucking dead. We cooked it. Cancel the machine. They're like, he's going to come out a super soldier. They open it up. They're like, he's fucking dead. We cooked it. Cancel the project. He just died. Sorry, Mr. Sark. You got stupid sperm.

I've got no strings because I'm not Pinocchio. I'm just a dumb boy. Don't worry, Dad. I'll fight the bad guys. Did you give me a gun? I made you strong. You got powers. What? No, no, no. I'll fight the bad guys. Did you give me a gun? I made you strong. You got powers. What?

No, no, no. Give me a gun. Give me a gun. Give me a sword. I'll patrol outside. Dad, I'm not wearing pants. You're a robot. Give me some pants, Dad.

Dad! At least underwears. My robot dick's hanging out, Dad. No, it's not. I didn't give you a robot dick. Why not? Dad! Write that down.

Write that down. A clever Hulk's more frightening than a stupid Hulk. It's like a clever bull is more frightening than a stupid bull. Yeah. If you see a bull

and the bull is like, I'm going to gore you. What if the bull stands on its back legs and is like, let's have a conversation. I am afraid. No, wait.

Okay, what's more scary? No, I'm not. We eat you. Or your wives. Couple of cucks, eh, Reed? What? Hello? Couple of guys getting cucked.

What's on TV? See? My lady, she loves an astronaut. Your lady loves a fish boy. Crazy. Air. Water. Hey! The two elements of fish boy. Crazy. Air. Water. Hey! The two elements of cock.

Yeah. What If? A new series coming soon only to Sandspans Plus for King subscribers.