Plumbing the Death Star - What if Hagrid was 5 Years Too Late?

Episode Date: June 11, 2017

In which our heroes need to save Harry Potter, tell ‘im he’s a wizard, and tell ‘im how to win the triwizard cup but fuck up and are five years too late as we ask what if Hagrid fucked up and was five years too late? Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for our UK tour right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradio Want to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradio Or individually at;Duscher: twitter.com/dusch13Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio. Jackson's in the kitchen making a coffee and Zoe bought biscotti. the matinee show in edinburgh under 10 tickets available in cardiff birmingham has opened up more seating and belfast is our only show in ireland so if you want to make the trek better get in fast now enjoy the show hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star where we ask the important questions like what if hagrid fucked up and was five years too late and And this episode's dedicated to Angelica. So, like, he just took a wrong turn. He swear to bike didn't start. He just took a five-year bend off. It's real vague wording,

because, like, Hagrid fucked up. And was five years too late. This is a SansPantsPlus suggestion, so here we are. Usually what happens with these questions, if someone submits one and we're like, we don't quite know what they mean, we will either fix it a little bit so that we know what we're talking about,

or we'll incorporate it into a different episode. With this one, that's way too tantalizing to leave alone. Because there's so much to unpack there what event is hagrid five years too late for all right because we'll start with the very first event that hagrid is involved in in the books which is what if hagrid was five years too late to godric hollow short answer harry dies of malnutrition rocks up five years later Harry lost to the elements maybe just, I don't know surely

like social service like wizard child services no, just like there is a baby in this bird down oh my god like Hagrid knew that was oppressive like five years There is a baby in this burnt down... Oh my god! I like it. Yeah. Like, Hagrid knew that was oppressing.

Like, five years is such a long time to then still go back. That's my favorite part of the question. So before Hagrid got on his bike and grabbed this crying baby, the Department of Child Welfare, shall we say, were like, my god, there's a house on fire. It's a baby! We've got to rescue the baby! Who's this baby? I guess they would deliver it to Aunt Petunia to be honest

But not necessarily if Harry had another family that like, weren't as good a camouflage as the Dursleys were I just like that fucking because it's not like, what if Hagrid doesn't turn up, it's what if he was five years too late? So he still goes.

So Hagrid's still at some point like... Shit! I wasn't meant to do that thing! You've got two options. Either one, the Department of Social Service has grabbed Harry and done Hagrid's job for him and delivered him to Arpitunia. Yep. Or he became a feral boy.

Woodland child. The Godric Hollow feral boy. It's in all of the papers. Living off rats? Well, that's more pleasant than a dead kid that I said at first. Do you think when Hagrid arrives five years too late he's going to wreck? Is Hagrid

the kind of guy when he's like, oh, I was meant to do this and he goes in and he's like well there's nobody in the house the house is there's a new house here it's been sold is he gonna look around is he gonna be like oh wow gee i fucked up i was five years late i like to think haggard's five years like can we try and find a reasonable explanation because there's two that I can imagine I was thinking going to a wrong house

but then why would he be like for example he goes to like just a random house like baby is there, grabs that baby gives that baby to Aunt Petunia Dumbledore's like good and then five years later shit, probably

I like to think he's like Hagrid we've sent you a message an address for you to go to and it's like Godric Harlow this is in South Africa Godric Harlow South Africa well I guess hops on his bike

does a journey has quite an adventure I can't find this place anywhere oh fuck alright so that's either dead Harry I can't find this place anywhere. Oh, fuck. All right. So that's either dead Harry or weirdly nothing changes except Hagrid gets fired. Yeah, Hagrid gets mad at him.

And because he still ends up with Aunt Petunia or we have Feral Harry. I like Feral Harry. I think Feral Boy, the Feral Boy of Godric Hollow is my favorite as well. Because does Hagrid rescue the Feral Boy of Godric Hollow? I don't think he does. I think Hagrid's left it five years. It's spectacular he's come back. But he's still working up five years too late. Yeah, but he's there.

Then he's basically got to acquire Feral Harry. And then he's got to give Feral Harry to the Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon. Who at this point have another have a five year old spoiled brat yeah and then Harry's gonna be like

Harry's gonna bite actually you know they're gonna love that they'll put him in a cupboard he'll be fine give him like fish heads ah easy done he's a feral boy

is Dumbledore gonna want a feral boy at Hogwarts but then he'll eat up the hat when they put it on him but this is the problem will Hagrid tell Dumbledore he fucked up no boy at Hogwarts. He'll eat up the hat when they put it on him. But this is the problem. Will Hagrid tell Dumbledore he fucked up?

No. Yeah, he's there. You're a wizard, Harry. A wizard. So the seven years you had him there, Vernon, and you didn't do anything The idea of Hagrid just telling Numbledore He wasn't there

And you found the boy He wasn't there I went there and I couldn't find him Guess he nicked off into the woods I suppose he might have gone feral I don't know why He's going very well You went feral did he I suppose he gone feral. I don't know why. He's going very well. He went feral, did he?

I suppose he went feral, maybe. I still love laughing where I thought that's... My brain foot in the blank was like, suppose he went fishing. A newborn went fishing. I don't know. He wasn't there. Well, you come up with a better explanation, Dumbledore. You old wizard

fuck. He's a very talented boy, that one, isn't he? He could go fishing if he wants to, Albus. Maybe it's the boy who fished. Tell me, have you ever not seen a boy go fishing? Maybe he found one of his dad's rod? Would? Here's a question. So, you know, you do magic outside of school.

It's like a crime. Unless, no, until you graduate. But what my question is, is that if Harry remained a feral boy, and they say he starts doing magic illegally, would the ministry just like, they don't know it's Harry. No, well, that's because when he makes the glasses appear, there's not a bunch of people come down and just tackle him. But I mean, at a certain point.

He'd be a snake king. Oh, he would. He'd be a snake king! I would. He'd talk to all of the river snakes. What are the snakes they got in Britain? Asps? Vipers? Oh, man. Imagine this.

You're going into the forest, and at a distance, you just hear this... And then an army of snakes come at you. What's that? And then you just hear this and then like an army of snakes coming what's that and then you just see this like four-year-old just like there's a snake slithering all over him like what's this he's like i'm hungry he can make clothes out of snakes and that's good i like to imagine voldemort finding out and just being like what the fuck like one of his death it is like dark lord we found him he's a feral boy yes a feral boy to be honest if the deathers is like, Dark Lord, we found him. He's a feral boy. A feral boy? To be honest, if the Death Eaters were like, what's this? You're the

reincarnation of Voldemort. I guess you're Voldy? Come back, you put his soul in you. Voldemort wouldn't know because Voldemort's gone. Voldemort's on the back of Quirrell, presently. Waiting for the Harry Potter to come to school, not realising if Death Eaters are worshipping feral snake boy in a forest. Well, it is 1997, yes.

Yes. Well, I don't know. I just thought he'd be here this year. Can you see him? Go ask Dumbledore. Dumbledore? The boy who lived out lived Where is he? That almost turned into fucking

Porky Pig Dumbledores folks That was a worse impression than I've ever done Yeah it was garbage Where's that boy who lives Where'd he go He went Faro

He's amongst lives, I'll be ready to go. He went feral. So they say what? He's amongst the woodland critters. I went to go pick him up, but he wasn't bloody there. He belongs to the river now. Oh, he went fishing. What

fishing you say? The boy who fished. I like your Hagrid accent It's like Yogi Bear I hear he went fishing I hear the boy who lived went fishing Yeah but he goes in there Into the forest and just steals people's

Picnic baskets Well clearly it was just chaos If Hagrid doesn't. I feel like it's going to be just like there's a quirrel sitting there like just like

defeated like what looking at like a mirror but like a mirror behind him. I don't know what happened. What do you mean you don't know? Where is

the boy? A feral boy. They did say a feral boy. The feral boy who fished. That's really that's a shock frankly. I guess Hagrid was five years too late.

I guess he fucked up. Are we going to go after the boy or? I mean like let's just get the stone honestly. I mean he's not here to stop us. He's feral. He doesn't know. He's not going to fight back. Alright so let's trap him in a cage. So he's five years too late. Dumbledore's mad at him. He's not going to fight back. All right, so let's... Trap him in a cage. So he's five years too late.

Dumbledore's mad at him. He's not going to get fluffy. Because Dumbledore's not going to trust Hagrid with this. That's true. But they might put a different thing. So there's going to be a different thing there. A more competent one. He's fine.

Imagine if they put a Feral Harry in that room instead. Jesus! Oh, fuck me. That's fucked up. That pile of snakes is a boy! I'm the Dark Lord, and that shit's fucked. And I've killed

people. Ron and Hermione never get together, that's alright. They never even meet. Hermione's just like, ooh, he's poor. And he's probably along the lines of like I don't know who would

who would Ron be friends with probably like Neville and Seamus well as soon as they get like Lamus as soon as they get Harry into the

five years till late because he's gonna enter the first year as like a fifth year yeah and they're just gonna shove the hat at him

and it's just gonna be Slytherin oh Jesus Slytherin! Oh, Jesus, Slytherin! Michael, this man is shitting snakes! It's just snakes coming out of everything! Oh, Jesus! Wait, no, so he's, hang on, where's he getting... Because if he's a feral boy, so he's five years too late,

so at the age of five, he's a feral boy, and then presumably they catch him, so he's still going to be there in year seven. So he's still going to be in year seven so he's gonna be so the take in the hog was he's gonna be rolled up like a cannibal lexer oh yeah yeah they're gonna put the sonic hat on him and it won't just yell slither and it'll just scream i like to think they'll be like well we've got to teach him charms i was like we're gonna teach him english actually all right five years, that's developmental

years there. He's got raised by snakes from zero to five. Can you teach a boy to unhinge his jaw? Six to ten. Or six to twelve. Surely the Vernon and

Petunia have at least... They'll have to be sending him somewhere else two regular parents are not well equipped enough to deal with a child of age of five that's been raised by snakes plus in all of those stories where

a child is raised by animals, those animals always try and get them back so Hagrid has grabbed him given him to the dirties Daryl's like, no, no thank you. Then you've got the whole army of snakes in the wings waiting, being like, we need him back. Too bad, isn't it? He's your kid now. Because Hagrid is irresponsible, the snakes are going to grab him again and then chuff off with him.

So is the argument here that he is being raised by snakes from 0 to 5, then kidnapped by snakes at 5, to then be raised by snakes from 5 to 12? You know, realistically, I think they would give him to... Because wizards don't have a terrible grip on reality. Just anything. So I think the moment Hagrid's in Dumbledore's office, he's got Harry by the scruff of his neck,

Harry's scratching with his filthy fingernail, and Dumbledore's like, he's got Harry by the scruff of his neck Harry's scratching with his filthy finger And Dumbledore's like Well he's almost like a fantastic creature I think you should look after him Hagrid Put him in a small pen I think Hagrid's looking after A feral Harry that the kids can come and see

And poke Here's my new fantastic creature It's the boy who was raised wrong it's the boy who fished do you hear about the boy who lived this is him he's the boy who lived wrong and then you have Hermione

and that's the first book there is like them being like you know he's been here for five years he's the boy who fished and lived. Wrong. And lived wrong. Everyone gather round.

Don't get too close now. Here's a bucket of slop. Throw it at him. Who wants to feed the boy? And Malfoy's going to, like, you know, do something. And then Hermione's going to be like, he's a real boy. Isn't he the boy who lived? This is fucked up.

That's a person. I was raised by muggles. I got a better idea on this than you guys. Book one's gonna be the liberation of Feral Harry. Book two is gonna be like

Harry Potter and the My Fair Lady. But also, book two is when Basilisk comes. So I think just like by the second book, Tom Riddle wins. Well, that makes sense. Yes and no, because there's so much involved with Harry that it's for book two to happen.

With book one, arguably, if Harry's not there, Quirrell hasn't died. Yeah, that's true. So Quirrell is still around in book two, and then Voldemort's going to be chuffing about at the same time. Couldn't Voldemort just find his young self's diary and give it a read? Maybe. That's my point. I think by the second book, Voldemort wins.

But that's only if... No, because he's not going to win. He's just going to be a basilisk young Tom Riddle. But Harry kills the basilisk. But at this point, he might befriend him. But why would they let that? Because that Harry was like, I've got to solve the mystery of the Chamber of Secrets.

This Harry's like... So, like, no one's going to look into it. Well, this Harry has been raised by snakes, and he's going to be like, he wants to be the alpha snake. And he's rattling in the walls of the... That's how snakes work, yeah. And he's rattling in the walls of the female toilets and whatever, and they're going to be like, there's a basilisk in there they're gonna cut open the pipe and it's gonna be harry

chewing the head off a basilisk yeah it's a great snake king he's also possessed by a devil at this point i guess it's like there's only one thing that spiders run from a basilisk or a feral boy um and that's this is all only situations if... Situation A. In this situation A, where Hagrid is late to Godric Hollow by five years. Yeah.

The next time where Hagrid needs to do something is... Situation B. Situation B, which is Hagrid rocking up to tell Harry that he's a wizard. Which is five years too late for that. Five years too late for that is funny because Dumbledore sent those letters by hour that kept getting ignored Harry that he's a wizard. It's five years too late for that. Five years too late for that is funny because Dumbledore sent those letters by hour that kept

getting ignored until they go to that island which then Hagrid arrives at. So it's funny that Hagrid had a pretty clear mission. I don't know how he got lost again. Five years. So he spent five years trying to hunt down

and maybe look, look, Vernon and Petunia were all good. They just like, just keep zipping about the country town, ignoring the letters and like going on the lam. So like his education has suffered. Straight up. Well, again, not more than normal. Yeah.

It's much more much. Actually, probably better education because he would have been homeschooled. Yes, by trash people, but like. They educated trash people. But there's two situations here because that means that Hagrid's less late and more Vernon and Petunia...

Yeah, that's true. It's got to be late. It's got to be something came up when he decided not to be in that island for five years. Well, just assume that rather than being homeschooled that they move the island for a bit, the letters stop, then they go back to Pivot Drive. I like to imagine that Hagrid arrives at Pivot Drive.

They're not there, and he's like, gets on his phone. I don't know. Dumbledore, I think he's dead. Hangs up. Dumbledore's like, well, I guess I won't send any more hours. That's grim. That's one horcrux done. Okay, I guess that's kind of good. That finds out later. Dumbledore, I think well, I guess I won't send any more owls. That's grim. That's one horcrux done. Okay, I guess that's kind of good.

That finds out later. Dumbledore, I think he's gone feral. I think he's feral boy. I like to imagine... I hear you went to an island to go fish. McGonagall, could you please get Hagrid into my office? Guess what we found, Hagrid? What?

I honestly could not think of one possible thing. Did you find that spider I let loose I mean nothing is that basilisk back no what is it remember that Harry Potter lad the one that died yeah

no there's two of us Hagrid's aye this is just one of the many problems of having a magic school there's two of us Hagrid's I this is just one of the many problems of having a magic school sometimes you get two of the same guy it's cool we roll with it

so when you went to find Harry Potter the first time I assume you came upon an empty privet drive yes I did And your evidence for Harry's death There was no one home Right

Where else could he have been but dead The two of you are fired Because we found him I'll go get him Did you not check for a forwarding address Look I knocked on the house door. Ari, are you in there? I don't need a recreation of it, Hagrid.

And then I was like, Ari, if you're not there, I'm going to assume you're dead. And he didn't answer. Ari, if you don't respond, you're dead. And he didn't respond. Bloody dead. A sound argument. Well he didn't respond. Bloody dead! That's sound argument. Well it's not. Even a bit.

I'll go get him. And then Hagrid gets Harry to tell him he's a wizard but Harry is now 16. Harry is a very fucked up 16 because his formative years were spent under a fucking stairs and he never had any hope. Plus the Dozers are going to be mad at him for that

three week period where they got a lot of letters and L's. And they're going to beat it out of him. Alternatively? Does that mean that there's a scene where Dobby comes to Harry and is like, Harry Potter must not go to Hogwarts. And he's like, what? What you fucking

say, you little prick? Who are you? What are you? Kills him with a bat. Bloody fucking Lucius Malfoy is like, where has Dobby gotten to? He needs to be more Lucius is more pained.

Where has Dobby gone to? I need that Dobby. My house. Where has Dobby gone to? Where is... I need that Dobby. Dobby. My house, Sal. Where is he? Flash cut to Harry burying Dobby in the backyard, crying. Like, what was that?

I can't tell anyone. I can't tell anyone. I think I killed a hamster. It was a very big, very large hamster. I think I killed a little man with a skin condition. Oh, my fucking God. Oh, Jesus. What was that? So, Harry's a traumatized boy. No, but Oh, my fucking God. Jesus, what was that? So, Harry's a traumatized boy.

Also, Dobby wouldn't know about him. Yeah, Dobby would have no idea. You're right. Dobby wouldn't be there. Harry's not killing an elf with a bat. That's lucky but sad. But I feel like, yeah, I mean, it's all fun and games to go down the abusive household situation,

but I reckon what would probably happen is that after, because Petunia would be well aware of how Hogwartswarts works yeah yes well not well magic they would be afraid of him they'd be afraid of him but they'd also be and he'd be doing wild magic but accidental wild man yeah that's what i mean like but so which i mean like i don't think that's how it works i think it because if that's how it works then why is it not happening to students all the time at Hogwarts? Because they're learning. Because they're learning it. Because this is a- Well, hang on.

Hang on. He's going to obscure himself. Oh, shit. He's going to make an obscurial. Yeah. I also imagine he'll move out because, like- He's 16. Yeah.

That's fine. No, I reckon what'll probably happen is they'll be scared of him for a bit, but then after he turns, like, 13, Petunia will be like, guess they're not coming for him. Maybe you're not magic. Maybe it didn't work. Maybe he's just a regular old fella.

And then, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Ari! I'm here now! Ari, it's me! Agrid! I'm a bit late! Petunia's like, fuck you! Where's Ari? Ari, fuck you. Where's Harry?

Harry, are you there? If you don't come to the door, I'm going to shoot me dead again. He lives in student housing. Oh. Where is that? Excuse me, then. The idea of Hagrid turning up at your door when you're 15. Like, when you're 12 or 11, it's a bit magical.

But when you're 15, you're like, is this man going to kill me? Am I being abducted? Am I going to be sold into slavery? Is that what's happening? Yeah, you might turn Harry into, like, a newt. Also, when you're a child and someone's like,

you're a wizard, you're like, fuck yes, I am. At 15, if someone had been like, you're a wizard, I would have been like, uh, yep, I'm getting sold into slavery. This is going to end poorly for me. Uh-huh, call in the cops.

Cops get called in Hagrid. Dial 999 if you're in the UK, I think. Harry, I'm in jail, Harry. You got to bust me out, Harry. I put you in there. I'm not letting you out. For old time's sake, you got to bust out Hagrid. I thought you'd be writing this like a paper in like his English class

about the old time, the time a weird, large, homeless man tried to abduct him. Yeah? I don't think Harry would come. Eventually, surely. What if an owl came? He remembers the owls. But the owls were like 11

when he was like 11, so like he'd be like, that was weird. By the time he was 16 he'd be like, did I make that up in my head? Was it a dream? He'd be a bit more cynical So like, he'd be like, that was weird. Did I just, by the time he was 16, he'd be like, did I make that up in my head? Was it a dream? Because again, he'd be like, no, like he'd be a bit more cynical.

I reckon he'd be very goth. Oh yeah. Like we're talking late nineties. This is goth Harry. That's all right. And he'd be very cynical and be very like, no. And then he'd be very creeped out by this,

oh, like this giant of a man trying to abduct him. Battle of Hogwarts happens in 97. He's a teenager in the early 90s. He's going to be into Britpop and probably Ecstasy. Like, Harry might just be in Trainspotting now. I like that. Which is heroin, but hey.

Well, this is the problem. It's like, if he is in that abusive home life and he doesn't have anyone to turn to, he might sneakily be one of them wayward youths and he doesn't have anyone to turn to, he might, like, sneakily be one of them wayward youths. Fuck, Harry's gonna turn into sick boy. Or Spud. Oh, Harry's gonna be Spud.

He's gonna shit the bed. Don't shit the bed, Harry. Don't shit the bed, Harry. Then they're gonna, like, pick him up and they're gonna be like, right, we're gonna put you in this room. That bucket's for piss. That bucket's this room. That bucket's for piss.

That bucket's for vomiting. And that bucket's for shit. Don't come back here for a week. Hagrid, where is Harry? He's coming down. We're trying to get him off cold turkey. Harry's there, just in the fucking room. Sweat dripping down his face.

Seeing this house elf just crawl up the wall, turn his neck. I killed you! And then, well, if, say, Harry finally does get sent to Hogwarts, do they, like, at 15, would he still be in first year? Well, I think what would probably happen is he'd probably get the equivalent of,

it's something we've never seen in the Harry Potter books, but he'd probably get, like, a weird combination of homeschooled and private tutoring. Ah's true to get him up to speed what's funny is that he he will be smarter than his entire class his entire theoretical school yeah theoretically maybe not that's if he's just been fucking doing heroin maybe not that's because it could just be one of these things choose magic why the fuck would I choose anything like that when I could choose heroin? It's like the muggle magic. So ideally, like, if he's gone to school,

and, like, maybe he's, like, say, if he went to a decent, even depending on the teachers he got. Like, for example, if he had a good teacher that was very picked up on a lot of the things, they'd be like, oh, he's being abused at home. Oh, my God, look at these like, like these very dark and neat essays and stuff. I just like to think.

Something is amiss here. Social services could get called on from the school. Harry's in the foster home somewhere. And then taken like, and so is like Dudley. Dudley as well. They're now in the foster home. Because clearly these two people are

they're not parents is that how that works though? like in a situation where one child's being abused but the other one's not that would take both? I would assume yeah because like those parents

are going to jail what's to stop those parents abusing the other kid as well that's true I like that this means maybe Hagrid is another five years too late because when he arrives

at their new home, they're like, ah, they got put in a foster care. Do you know where? No, we're not allowed to. Oh. Damn. Christ almighty. I'm going to tell him he died again.

Here's a bit of paper. Can you do the airs a quill? Can you write that Harry died, eh? Can I borrow an owl? You got me an owl spare. I need to send a letter. Are you sure he's not dead? Reasonable doubt.

Even a tiniest smidgen and I can work with that. When it comes to foster, do they change names as well? You keep your old name. But they just ship you off somewhere. And they wouldn't give your old parents where you've gone, in case they come and nab you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm trying to think what else Hagrid could be late for for Harry. But would Harry, like... You know what you're doing. And if he's an orphan, then, you're basically creating a Tom Riddle. Yeah, you are, actually. That's a good point. Because that's the problem here, is that he's now more abusive um like upbringing yeah he and then he's

going to do exactly what tom riddle did which was to find out that he has magic and if he's been abused and moved around and can't really trust anyone or any in his life he's going to use that magic to to uh harm or at least help himself out in very selfish ways so it's very selfish harry and also this is a world where i assume voldemort doesn't come back physically because voldemort needed the blood of the enemy or whatever but voldemort's still stuck on the back of quirrell if yeah and if voldemort assumes harry's dead like well i mean who's my second worst enemy Give me that unicorn blood Worst case scenario is

That they get the philosopher's stone And then Voldemort comes back Immortal But he's not going to get the philosopher's stone Because the reason That was Didn't need Harry's help to stop him Yeah

He couldn't figure it out They followed Harry He was just stuck there looking in the mirror Didn't need Harry's help to stop him. Yeah. He couldn't figure it out. Oh, that's right. They followed Harry in, didn't they? He was just stuck there looking in the mirror being like, where is it? Then again, the basilisk just destroys Hogwarts. But the basilisk only destroys Hogwarts because Lucius gives the diary to Ginny. And his reasoning was... Because he knew that Ginny would read the diary.

Did he fucking hate Harry Potter at that point? No, he didn't even know it I'm just trying to think though, was that I don't think Harry was related to that at all That was just one of Voldemort's Hedged bets But if Quirrell, if he's still in the back of the head of Quirrell Then that's not happening

Yeah it is, this is another Horcrux It doesn't rely on Voldemort Yeah but assumedly that Did Lucius know about the back of the head of Quirrell Or if he did He still would have done it Because why not hedge your bets Get Voldy back

The diary is going to happen no matter what Ginny starts reading it But nothing happens about it It's just that Ron's like Ginny's in a weird way Ginny disappears Et by a basilisk Voldy's back

Tom Riddle's back Tom Riddle's disappears by a basilisk. Voldy's back. Tom Riddle's back. Tom Riddle's back. Yeah, that's true. Young Voldy's back. Actually, what happens if the... What was the point of number two? I don't know really what was... Was it just a basilisk?

No, because... No. Because Tom Riddle was going to come back. Because he was sucking the life force out of Ginny, right? And Harry stopped it by stabbing the book. Yeah, so I guess presumably he just sucks the life force out of Ginny. Ginny dies. So in this universe, Ginny is now Tom Riddle. Well, Ginny, right? And Harry stopped it by stabbing the book. Yeah, so I guess presumably he just sucks life force out of Ginny. Ginny dies. So in this universe, Ginny is now Tom Riddle. Well, Ginny's dead, yeah.

Ginny's dead and Tom Riddle has used her life force. I like the idea that Ginny has become Tom Riddle. Alright. Yeah, sure. Why not? I'm not stopping it. Tom Riddle. Just morphed into it. So Ginny is no more. We now have Tom Riddle. Yep. Ron's like, I hate my new younger brother. Yep. And we also have Voldem hate my new younger brother. Yep.

And we also have Voldemort on the Batgirl's head. Yeah. And what happens in the third one? Pettigrew comes back. Yep. With no interruptions. Harry is so- I mean, I think we did an episode on him. Harry's so irrelevant to so many of the books.

Then in the fourth book- No, the third one is about Sirius Black. Yeah, but the only big thing- Oh, well, Sirius Black dies. No, that's- No, he does. Yeah, yeah, no. Because Harry doesn't go, Sirius Black dies. No, that's... No, he does. Because Harry doesn't go back in time to save him. That's true, but he has no reason

to go to Hogwarts because Harry's not there. In fact, would Sirius escape because he's like, ah, damn. James' kid's like fucking... Yeah, his kid died. Which defense is... Has been reported dead three times. Ah, that's a bummer. First it's a feral boy, now it's a...

Quirrell's still defense against a dark arts teacher. Lockhart doesn't get the gig. Lupin doesn't get the gig. Fuck. Grim. In the fourth year, is that just like a fight? I feel like there's going to be a fight between Quirrell as Voldemort and Tom Riddle as Voldemort. And Ginny as Voldemort. There's going to be

a Voldy off. There's two Voldemorts. Only one can win. And that's the thing, like, Voldemort is There's going to be a Voldy off. There's two Voldemorts. Only one can win. And that's the thing. Voldemort is too egocentric and selfish to allow... To not share the power. So he's going to fight himself. Would there be three Voldemorts? Because of the Triwizard Cup? No, no, no.

Because the third Voldemort is like the remains of Voldemort. Of the first Voldemort. Okay. But that doesn't happen. The Trap is a cup. Just like a fun time for everyone. That's pretty good. Hey, Cedric lives.

I like this reality. Much better. Two Voldemorts, but an alive Cedric is better than no Voldemort. That's a good trade off. Yeah. And that's pretty good. And actually, you could argue like plus a new rise of evil in Harry. Yeah.

I mean, potentially an evil Harry because it was always going to go one way or the other. It was a little bit of a in Harry. Yeah, I mean potentially an evil Harry, because it was always going to go one way or the other. If he's been raised wrong then... I like that Harry comes in in the sixth year when the prophecy... It's just like... I'm just like, yay Harry won, he beat

Voldemort! Right. All you cunts are fucking into it now. What? I hate muggles. Fucking hate muggles? You know what I fucking hate most of all? Giants. Yeah, going down.

Where's that aggro? Fuck. I don't know. I think he died. He died. My name is Gagrid. Gagrid. No, I'm not a giant.

I'm a dwarf. A big one. A big one. There's one. I just remembered a third situation where Hagren could be five years late. Yeah. And it doesn't happen until the fourth book. That's fine.

So the first two happen. We've now got those realities. Third situation. Cut to when Harry is 20 either 20 or 21 okay Harry I figured out which dragon you gotta fight

it's a Norwegian some shit not like Harry is 25 it's like Harry is just like ash and Harry's like oh I figured it out. Now I know. Too late.

The problem there is like, did that really give Harry a leg up? It did. Yeah, I think so. Because you're fighting dragons. Well, he's still late for it. It's still funny to imagine five years after the event. Hopefully maybe.

Harry, yes. remember that dry wizard tournament? Yes. You were fighting a dragon. Yeah, I did. It's sad that your mind went accurate. I miss when you were really with it. No, I'm with it. I'm just saying.

I keep being five years late for things. But yeah, if you come with me to this forest, five years ago, there would have been some dragons here. It was a Hungarian horned tail. I promise. The idea of him actually taking him to be like, Harry, I got something for you. A little surprise. Alright.

See this field here? About five years ago, it was Scorchmark. Bullet dragons to the brim. Now, obviously not so much. One of them was the one you were fighting. You were fighting one of them. That Cedric guy was fighting. One of the women was that lovely lady.

She was fighting the two Fleurs. She was all right. And that crumb cunt. I'd like to imagine Harry looking at Hagrid, but with like a tear in his eye being like, oh, Hagrid. Good luck with it. Harry, I lost.

I lost so badly. Fuck me. Fuck me, that's crazy. Who won then? Cedric. Oh, he's all right. He's a bit of an all right fellow. I think, would Harry have been in the Triwizard Tournament?

If Hagrid was, no, because in this situation, Hagrid wasn't late for the other tournament. But I like that because he's late for this and Harry loses. That means that Cedric just touches the portkey and Voldemort's like, what? You're not Harry Potter. I'm Cedric Diggory. Oh, this is all fucked up. That bloody Hagrid fella.

Was Harry in the tribe? I thought I put in. No, he was, but he lost in the first. Ah, fuck. He's all largely time sensitive. We fucked it. Guys, call it quits. We fucked it.

I can't think of anything else that Hagrid could be like. What about when he nearly, when he gets sent to Azkaban? Oh, that's the second one. Does he nearly die? Hagrid? Yeah. He fights some people when Voldemort, when Dumbledore's dying, doesn't he? I'm not getting buck big. Is that what I'm saying? Hagrid? Yeah. He fights some people when Dumbledore's dying, doesn't he? How come Buckbeak is on there?

No, but again, that's not Hagrid's fault. Like, isn't it? Hagrid doesn't... Because Hagrid's sad because they've taken Buckbeak off him to shoot him or something. He's five years too late. This was his mourning period. What if...

Harry. He killed Buckbeak. Yeah, I know. Five years ago. I know five years ago it happened five years ago you didn't seem to care he just got me now

ah yeah shit grab a time turner oh my god so much let's go back in time and kill myself oh my fucking

click click click five years of click click click click click so much this is polymate click click click what if he's five years late for the Battle of Hogwarts?

He just turns up in the rubble and he's like, oh. I hope we won. McGonagall, here we win. Yes. Hagrid, that's just a cat. Dumb. Oh, Hagrid. We got to put Hagrid in a home.

Five years late getting his brother? Five years late getting his brother. Oh, Hagrid. We gotta put Hagrid in a home, guys. Five years late getting his brother? Five years late getting his brother. Well, then the Giants just rampage through Europe. The Giants killed his brother too. Ah, fuck. What else has Hagrid been needed to be on time? That's a question I never thought I'd be asking.

What did Hagrid need to be on time for? Five years late for class. Alright, students! Shit. Who are you? Where's Ari? You graduated five years ago. Oh, boy. Fuck me dead.

Oh, I don't want to Oh, shit! My stone cakes! I've left them in the oven for five years! Where's me house? Stop burning stain or just a scorch mark on the ground. Oh no. Squirrel waiting in a bar for five years.

Where is he? I thought we were going to make a trade. What about if Hagrid is five years late for everything? Every moment of Hagrid's life, he's five, every big thing, five years late. That's bad. Well, the thing is, actually,

he might have graduated Hogwarts because he wouldn't have been in the same class as Tom Riddle. That's true, he'd be five years late starting. Five years late graduating. That's ten years of his life now gone. He's a bit slow. I can't help it. I never claim to be on time.

Look, us giants, we get there in the end. That's the Hagrid family motto. We get there in the end. A wizard arrives exactly when he says he's gonna. Or whatever the Gandalf quote is exactly and i arrived just when i needed to be five years late five years over the day for everything

the beauty of five years too late is that it's such a long period of time you actually no matter what it was you fucked it like there's nothing you can be five years too late for where you're like well this is salvageable it just never is kind of think of what building like if you were building a house or something maybe but then the people that wanted their house built probably like for yourself now then i guess the only person you're letting down is you so like that's fine five years is the only thing i think of tv show is is when he doesn't pick up the kid, Harry, who has a baby, that the Department of Human Services or whatever, they're going to give it to Aunt Petunia because there's no other living relative.

So if he's five years late for that, everything remains largely unchanged, except that Hagrid gets a bit of a scolding too from, I guess, both McGonagall and Dumbledore. And Hagrid probably just never becomes quite as close friends with Harry. Or doesn't become quite as close friends or is trusted with Dumbledore and other things. I hope Dumbledore then fires him. So probably, yeah, he might get fired. So they wouldn't be fluffy.

Giants are definitely like, he tries to see the giants on size, but he fucks up anyway. Yeah, I think so. So anyway, that's irrelevant. Never gets his little dragon, whatever that's name was. Yeah. What else happens?

What else does Hagrid do? He teaches a class. They get someone else, probably somebody competent. Malfoy never gets scratched in the face. Buckbeak never gets put down. Yeah. Buckbeak mightn't have existed, though. Like, Buckbeak mightn't have been taken to Hogwarts.

Unless they got, like, an equally as reckless teacher. No one eats stone cakes. No one eats stone cakes. No one eats stone cakes. They don't witness someone eating unicorn. Yep. Fuck. They miss out on a lot.

What if Hagrid had been born five years too late? If he was five years younger. Yeah. Well, he would have been expelled from Hogwarts because he would have

missed all of that shit. That's pretty good. Which then means that he probably wouldn't be a teacher. He would still be a wizard. He could be like an auror or something He might be a teacher though

He might be a competent one He'd have a wand not an umbrella And he wouldn't be on the groundskeeper He'd be like I'm teaching charms Alright Harry it's what you gotta do I'm young and handsome still Still pretty bloody big Being born five minutes

Five years late. Really held up. What's it called? Not the opposite of premature birth. Well, mum had a five year gestation period. I hear that's normal for giants. Not too normal, but normal enough.

I believe that it has happened at least once in the universe when I was born. I believe that it has happened at least once in the universe when I was born. I came out fully formed. My father was very confused. He was like, yeah, you're going to give birth yet? He's like, are you pregnant or are you just kind of stacking on the kilos there? It's been a while.

It's been a while. It's been a while here. I think five years too late for being alive is a very good Hagrid. That's a very competent Hagrid. Yeah, because any of the problems that he would have had with Tom Riddle, and I guess would Tom Riddle have blamed someone else for anything? No, because the problem there was Hagrid just had a spider. Yeah, so it probably wouldn't happen. So let's see. So Tom Riddle, he has a snake or a basilisk that he escapes,

and then he blames that on the creature that Hagrid has. So without the creature that Hagrid has, Tom Riddle gets... Fuck, that might have gotten Tom Riddle quick. What do you mean? Oh, yeah, they're like, well, Tom Riddle, we're blaming you. They send him to Azkaban. Yeah. I mean, like, the prophecy will still have to be fulfilled,

but it's a lot easier. They just need to take Harry to... Because it was a prophecy... The prophecy's a prophecy. No, but what was the prophecy, like, given? It's always happening, though. Isn't it a prophecy? Well, because the thing is, if we're changing that far back in the future, the prophecy might not have had to happen. Because, for example, if

Hagrid's not there for Tom Riddle to blame on him fucking doing some shit and everyone's like no it's tom riddle he's doing shit everyone's like azkaban and harry potter is born a regular boy yeah like he might not have gone to azkaban because i don't know if they do that to students but he might have been in trouble and he might have either gotten caught early or maybe taken a like you know people take well hopefully if they were like that's interesting so you know that that sociopath kid you picked up, Dumbledore? Yeah, well, he's a sociopath. He's like, it's fucked.

He's brought a big snake in. Hopefully Dumbledore will be like, all right, all right, fuck him off. So there's going to be something there. Put him in student jail. Cut off his head? Put him in student Azkaban. Just ice him.

Little baby Dementors. Juvie Azkaban, basically. And then that might have maybe stopped Voldemort. It made him worse. I like to think that the takeaway here is that Hagrid is the cause of a lot of the strife in the Harry Potter universe. I think we should do a follow-up episode one day where we're like, what if Hagrid was five years early? What if Hagrid fucked up and was five years early? But not today.

Not today. Maybe not ever. Maybe we'll do it in five years. Maybe we did it five years ago. Hard to say. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. This has been a SansPens Plus question. It's been a time, and if you have

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