Plumbing the Death Star - What if Professor X Ran Hogwarts? (Live!)

Episode Date: January 14, 2018

In which our heroes are joined by Adam live from London to ask the hard hitting question; what if Professor X ran Hogwarts?Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/ Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter:  twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio. This was recorded on the 1st of October 2017 at King's Place in London. The audience was absolutely lovely and very accommodating to four sleepy and jet-lagged boys. Hey everyone, couple of things. First off, our Melbourne show this Friday is going to have a couple of guests. Andy and Al from Two in the Think Tank and friend of the show, George DeMorelos, are joining Jackson on stage for a very special live Jackson Bailey Spooks America. And then after a live Plumbing the Death Star, you'll be seeing Adam, Zoe and Cass for a big fat quiz of the night involving you, the audience. Just head on over to sanspansradio.com slash live to grab your tickets today. On the topic of live shows, we're coming to

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We also have a special bundle if you want to grab that with a UK tour tee. And, of course, all these episodes are available for our Sandspans Plus members. For less than a dollar a show, you can help support the dumb bullshit we do, as well as get access to a heap of bonus content. That's sandspansplus.com to sign up today. Imagine if you just never stopped clapping. Like three hours goes by, we're like, well, thanks so much. Goodbye. Like three hours goes by, we're like, well, thanks so much. Goodbye.

I drank. It was a weird moment, but the silence. I'm not going to say anything. Go on. Hey, everyone, and welcome to our first ever live show in the UK. I forgot to say Plumbing the Death Star, but this is Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, what if Professor X ran Hogwarts? So how does he get?

So how does this go down? Like I kind of imagine this in like, I guess, a meeting of principals. Right. And so you've got like a bunch of different principals. So you've got like Emma Frost, Dumbledore, Xavier, the principal from Ferris Bueller, all being like... The principal from the magic school bus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Presumably existed, but you never saw.

Miss Peregrine, and everyone's like, who the fuck are you? And then, you know, I guess, like, I don't know, them just complaining, like, oh, man, running the X-Men is really hard. Dumbledore's being like, oh, I don't know. You've got, like, what, five kids? I've got a whole school to kind of manage. Oh, you think you've got it so easy, don't you? So wait, this is a Freaky Friday situation. But less magic, and I just imagine Xavier being like,

oh, yes, boop, boop, boop, now I have legs. Enjoy being a crippled Dumbledore. And he just gets up and walks. Poor Dumbledore. What a shock. Why? Do wizards have wheelchairs? Is that a shock for him?

Surely they can regrow whatever they're missing. That's so funny. If they swap and then Dumbledore's just like, whoop! And he just stands. Magic, bitch! Give me that wand! And he just runs. Yeah, Dumbledore doesn't have a wand.

He's crippled. That's right! Dumbledore's like super wizard or whatever. He doesn't need a wand. He can just do it with his brain. And also, Professor X doesn't know doesn't need a wand. He can just do it with his brain, that's right. And also, Professor X doesn't know how to use a wand. Who wants

to be a snap? It's genetic. So when they change, Dumbledore has the powers now. Oh. I never even thought of that. That's terrifying. But neither one knows how to use each other's powers. So while I guess Dumbledore's in Xavier's body freaking out,

because you can hear everyone, Xavier Dumbledore now just uses that time to scarper the Hogwarts. I hate this principal's convention. Everyone's always yelling at me, you're not a proper school, you only have five students. Fuck off. I don't know even why I attended, really. You're more of a military academy than a school.

What do you mean you have a giant jet in your school? That's not right. Danger room? What? You know, when you teach the kids how to fight. Where's the fighting part of this convention? There's a danger room, if not a forbidden forest? Alright, so...

Ground rules, I guess, is probably important to lay down at some point. So regardless of the Freaky Friday situation, Professor X is now the headmaster of Hogwarts. Are we putting him at the beginning of Harry's experience at Hogwarts? Yeah. Someone said yes, so let's go with that.

That's how powerful you are you dictate everything if you'd be like no we'd be like all right figure someone else out that was good though because it wasn't like a yes it was like yes that wasn't forced to hear that's absolutely as expected please thank you very much but absolutely harry potter's six's six years at Hogwarts have got to be the test for a principal of Hogwarts. Oh, 100%. 100%. Because the rest of it is largely just studying. The rest of it is largely just being a

principal. I like to think it's some kind of Dumbledore's dying breath and Xavier's there and he's like, read my mind, I've got plans. And he just gets them all and he's like, you're killing a kid. I can get behind that.

Fattening him up to slaughter. I've got this undercover. Does that mean that at the very beginning, before Harry even arrives, McGonagall's like, are you ready for Harry and Dumbledore as preferential? He's like, who are you? What? I was like, yes, I'm very ready.

I know what's happening. The boy we're going to kill, yes. Snape told me this. I'm the boy who lived to die later. What are you talking about, Dumbledore? Maybe you were privy to this, I don't know.

Anyway, let's wipe your mind. He can't anymore. he doesn't have the genetics what is um gilderoy lockhart always use obliviate get rid of your brain or whatever get rid of your brain brain out that's why i should never have a wand get rid of your brain your brain comes out jackson expelled it's obliviate jackson ah that's good because like your expelled paper of like reasons murder Jackson expelled. It's Obliviate Jackson. That's good because your expelled paper was like, reasons, murder. Remove the student's brain.

What happened if you were... Acousio brain. Oh, that'd pop out your nose. Pull all of your, what do you call them, nerves with it. Effective. Yeah, that's grisly. Deadly. So I guess there's two

killing curses. That's the thing about wizards. They're like, there's one way to kill someone with magic. That's not true. If I get someone between me and a car and I go, Accio car, that's another way to kill someone with magic. You get someone in a car and you do the jelly legs

hex on them. Levitate. Imagine that just on a highway, like we're driving and I'm just like, jelly legs. Imagine the cops afterwards trying to analyse that scene. So he had no bones

in his legs? Surely that's the autopsy where they're like, ah, this is what happened. The bones left his legs. Surely that's the autopsy where they're like, ah, this is what happened. The bones left his legs. Anyway, what happens in Harry's first year at Hogwarts? What are the events? And yeah, just to clarify, Professor X has all of his Professor X powers.

Oh, okay, okay. Sure, sure, sure. That's how mutations work. Yeah, it's fine. Something happened and then yeah, it's good. Year one, the Philosopher's Stone is brought to Professor X and he has to hide it. I reckon he still gets, because getting teachers to help him with his dirty work is very Professor X.

So that still happens. You do it, basically. I think Baldi gets it because he's just like, who are you? You're big. You just take it. It's fine. What's your name? Hagrid.

That's stupid. Oh, you have the stone? In a dog's mouth, I guess. It's really good. Plop it in Robert's throat. Then it just, have we considered arming the student populace to protect it? Actually, Hagrid, pop it in your mouth. You can't put the Philosopher's Stone in a body

because it's only there temporarily. Unless Hagrid's like, I'm going to shit it and then eat it and then shit it and then eat it over the course of the schooling year. That's just not effective. I don't think the Philosopher's Stone is making its way through Hagrid's intestines. That's Hagrid in like Madame Pomfrey's suit. Just Hagrid doubled intestines. That's Hagrid in, like, Madame Pomfrey's suit. Just Hagrid doubled over in pain.

Dumbledore made me eat it. I don't know why. Why did you do this to me? I keep vomiting gold. Well, I think what would happen is Professor X would probably use his mind powers to just make everything look like a philosopher's stone.

So Voldemort walks into the school and is like, there's so many. Like that final thing, no mirror of Erised or whatever, just fucking thousands. Voldemort on the back of Quirrell's head just being like, well, fuck. I don't know. How do we tell? Also, surely he knows where Voldemort is. As soon as Quirrell walks past, he's like, hang on a minute.

You've got two minds. Take off that thing. Oh my god. Face on the back. I know a school where to send you out to. Is this a mutant? What is this? So that means Professor X just discovers where

Voldemort is? Very. I think he transfers him down to like, yeah, his academy. Well, very quick. So pretty much play out the same as Philosopher's Stone but without Harry having to do shit. Also, Xavier's pretty up front. Right, everybody, Voldemort's back. I know, I know,

I know. Everyone's saying he's probably around. He's there. So look, he wants this. All right? So, everyone, get out your wand. Point it at him. Repeat after me. Avada.

Imagine that many killing curses all at once. That's just like aerial shot of Hogwarts and then... I imagine like a cartoon situation where it's a front on view of Hogwarts and the roof just like lifts up and lands right down. That's great because it's lifting off with pure death. A bird flies through and just dies.

And you just get a... I feel like Professor X when he finds out that Harry's the only one that can kill Voldemort, which he knows, yeah? Yeah. Because Dumbledore knew. Sure. He'd just be like, let's orchestrate that.

I think he's like, right, what's your name? Potter. All right, cool. You're not going to class. You're going to the Forbidden Forest and training for six fucking years. You're only going to learn Avada Kedavra. Well, actually... Dumbledore keeps Harry alive

because if Voldemort kills him, then Harry gets to survive or whatever, so it's just, why don't we just kill Harry now? We don't need to keep him. He's a what? A horcrux. All right.

Slitting his throat. And then pushing him off the bridge That's so So grisly And here's the you want Snap that too Hagrid's about to go pick up Harry And Dumbledore is like hang on I'll go

Give me that moped So we say the first year Hagrid, Harry, not Harry Dumbledore as Professor X Just kills both Voldemort and Harry In the first year I think so What's that? Oh two minds

God damn that just the one The one that doesn't want to kill me The back of the turban just being like And like red Just like Got him that's that one taken care of kill me. The back of the turban just being like... And like red. Got him. That's that one taken care of. Imagine getting... Imagine mind controlling Quirrell and getting him to do it.

Voldemort's like, what are you doing? What are you doing? Grab this letter opener and just plunge it into the back of your head. Over and over. Did Quirrell get like surgery to get rid of that face? Quirrell was killed. He died.

He disintegrated. But that means that when Voldemort's ghost went, or whatever, Quirrell just still had a loose face on the back of his head. I guess momentarily, maybe, yeah. Did it go? No one at this table knows how that magic works. I'm just imagining it like as they're putting the coffin in there. They're like, which way do we face it?

Quirrell up, Jack! He's still got a front half of his body. That's true. In no situation do you put the corpse face down. Although he was a bad wizard, so you might want to. And then just put a rock on top. Just in case. Imagine Quirrell's mom coming for an open casket.

I don't remember that one. All right, so that's the first year. So, all right, Voldemort's dead, Harry's dead. But Voldemort's not dead. One of his Horcruxes is destroyed. Two of them are. So, I mean, there's no Harry anymore. Maybe he hasn't killed Harry. Maybe he just sent him to get trained.

No, no. He's dead. Slit throat, slit in his office. Sorry, Potter. Could you come to my office, Harry? There's one other situation that is probably just as likely as Harry being killed as the 12-year-old by Professor X. And that is sending the room of requirement into a danger room. I require danger.

That is 100% part of my syllabus It is high mortality rate Danger It's kind of one of the same really Do you think he'd get rid of houses? I sort of have this feeling he'd be like You're all just you know Now houses are great for competition in the danger room

Yeah he kind of needs them I had like four I had like a blue team and a gold team. This is much better. You've so easily categorized yourselves. Quidditch? What is this? No, make the houses fight to the death.

There'd be two houses in Hogwarts. It would be Hufflepuff, Gryffindor, and Ravenclaw all together as the X-Men. And then Slytherin would be the Brotherhood. Okay, so you've got this Quidditch, it's really nice. Now I'm going to put a robot fly around it. It's going to be shooting things at you. Is this a problem?

No. Professor X is quite lucky in that Brooms is flying, and he's dealt with flying people before. Wands is a whole manner of laser beams, that's being super strong. He's kind of qualified. Yeah, he'd be alright. He's not a good

person, but he's qualified. Alright, so year two. So, Chamber of Secrets. Opened. Enemies of the air, beware, it's happened. It's, yeah, I mean, I think he would probably just- A big snake? Let's get us get us well i think it would be more that like professor x would probably be able to speak parcel tongue because he would just like read someone's mind they could do it or be like just open it himself because he's curious

what's in here oh ah you can only kill the snake with a bit of Voldemort, yeah? No, it was... Sword, basilisk fang. Yeah, basilisk fang into the snake. A bit of Voldemort? You can kill the journal with the basilisk fang. Ah, okay. The basilisk you can just kill with anything. They use a sword, but I guess you could kill with anything.

Okay, I'm just curious. You could brainsit with a rock, I guess, if you wanted. Professor X couldn't, but he could get someone to he could wipe its mind he's got like a brain dead snake just living around staring at everybody hang on a minute is the chamber of secrets might be the first time that he has a problem because because he has like uh voldemort has mind control powers in that one he makes ginny do stuff what if they're fighting each other? So that's another dead kid.

They're fighting each other and Ginny is the battleground. Ginny's brain is just a mess. Everybody's in there getting up to mischief. So it's just a fight in like an astral projection. Just kind of like them fighting each other on the landscape of Ginny's mind. That's the

second 12 year old-old casualty. Yeah. She's just going to be sitting there just catatonic shocking, blood out of her nose. So, but then what? I lost another redhead. What is it with me and redhead? They just, they keep dying.

She'll be back in five years. People love a dead rabbit. Is that why he doesn't value life? Holy shit, a phoenix. That's literally the first time I've noticed that in my office. That's fucked. All right. This is real parallel.

Oh, this is good. Forks your name. Yeah, go resurrect her. So we're saying in number two, just Ginny's dead? Is that? She might die, but she gets resurrected like that. Oh, that's true. Yeah.

Yeah, just put the tears on her. Is she dead or is she comatose? Her brain's wrong. Definitely. You can't make a phoenix cry on a brain. Well, maybe the phoenix cry on a brain Well maybe The phoenix may now possess Ginny Yeah

Good news Probably no one gets petrified The snake gets released like that Too quick But does that mean that Gilderoy Lockhart gets to keep his job? Yes And it also means that he's like cursed no job creator yeah i mean he's i feel like there's a lot of classes he'd just get rid of because he's

like potions who cares care of magic you know defense against the dark arts he might just go dark arts everything is the new danger. There's a killing curse. Everyone use that. A mind control one. That's... Get rid of that one. Don't want that one at all.

That one's for me. Does he destroy the journal? That's a horcrux, yeah? Surely he would. Well, who's the new champion? Because Harry's dead. Neville. Yeah, Neville does it. Oh, Cedric. Cedric?

Why Cedric? Cedric's not until four. Cedric's just being a handsome Hufflepuff raking in the babes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that Cedricric when he died that would be so sad for all the Hufflepuffs. Because he was beloved by everyone. He's a good bloke.

He's the best bloke. He was a poster child for everything. And now he's a dead bloke. That's largely on Harry so maybe he survives this time. Well the thing is like one big difference between Professor X

running Hogwarts and Dumbledore running Hogwarts is Professor X doesn't need to figure anything out, because he can just read Voldemort's mind. And we know that Voldemort's bad with that, because he accidentally is connected to Harry for seven books, and doesn't learn how to stop it.

So he's clearly not good with mind control stuff. Professor X is just like, yeah, sick, I know your plans. I know where you are, cool. I'll just go there, I guess. But I can imagine Professor X also fucking up the Horcrux thing by being like... What if I collect them? Horcrux, you say? That's a pretty good plan.

So I can just split my soul however many times. Murder? Well, yes, that would be dreadful. Well, I already killed a kid and I didn't make a horcrux. If you make a horcrux from killing Harry, is that like a double horcrux? I like to think so.

Are you putting it in Harry's dead body? In his glasses. There you go. Can you putting it in Harry's dead body? In his glasses. There you go. Can you read the mind of the journal? As in, like, because it's kind of sentimental, yeah? Tom Riddle pops up as, like, a guy. A fella. So, yeah, so you're like, well, oh, yes, you're this.

All right, how to kill you? Gotcha. All right. Let's dig up the basilisk again. Did your version, did he bury it in the yard out the front? I imagine so. What the hell is the professor burying?

By himself. Again, you, your big digger hole. I feel like he would use Hagrid a lot. For his busy work. I really don't like the idea of burying a living creature. I think you love burying creatures.

Yes, you do. I think that was one of his first moves, maybe to burn the Forbidden Forest. Yeah. I feel that's a hassle. And what's that? Forbidden Forest. Raise it to the ground. Right, right.

What comes out of that? Centaur. Centaur is gross. Big spiders don't like that. As soon as giant spiders are coming out, surely he's like, we can repurpose that as a danger room. Every room can be a danger room.

Yeah, you're right. It's just like, what comes out of giant spiders? Cool, cool, cool, cool. Gryffindors to me. Get your Avada Kedavra Quite the spiders alright Someday he's walking through the staff room He's like Boggart

What's that I really like Using Avada Kedavra on a Boggart Is very funny Imagine him seeing a house elf for the first time Avada Kedavra What was that? There's a really unpleasant and poorly

ending staff meeting, surely. Where they're like, you can't just kill house elves. What are all these little nightcrawlers doing running about? So you're telling me they're not a pest? No, they're a being. They're alive. They're sort of slaves.

Yes. So it's... But like... Don't kill them. Right. I really like that in year three, Ron has to deal with Peter Pettigrew alone. That's awesome. Ron's just like...

He's a man! Who are you? He doesn't, though. Without Harry, Peter Pettigrew gets kidnapped by Sirius and killed! That's true! Lupin isn't there either because Gilderoy Walcott

is still there. There's just Sirius goes to the Shrieking Shack, kills Peter Pettigrew, goes home. That's the events of... I think Sirius might try and take revenge on Dumbledore For killing his godson Dumbledore killed Harry I guess like

Pettigrew might just pop out and give him the thumbs up And then back into a rat Oh hello there little dog Why is it running at me? Wait a minute Avada Kedav Oh thank god Right, got that giant creature Oh, thank God. Right, got that giant creature.

Hagrid, can you dig another hole? I like there's just that moment where it's like a dog coming at him. He Avada Kedavra's it. It dies. Become Sirius Black. I don't think he changed his back. Does he not? I don't think he changed back.

He'd never know. He's like, I just killed a dog in the front of our... All right. And he'd be like, I got that wanted guy. I should be rewarded for this. Did you see when that dog attacked me? That was crazy. I got this vicious dog, I think, escaped from that prison you have.

That's weird. Is there any reward for they get a couple gold? I feel like he'd try and introduce just dollars, surely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Galleons? Canuts? Fuck off. Here, here's a credit card.

Use that. That also just made me remember that the Wizarding World is not just Hogwarts. So then Professor X. Cornelius Fudge coming in. remember that like hog like the wizarding world is not just hogwarts so professor x yeah yeah cornelius fudge coming in by the by cornelius fudge's last name is fudge that's i feel like that's something worth exploring he went from fudge makers presumably which were what his ancestors did to government that's cool cool. Or his ancestors just... Or his ancestors just like fudge, maybe.

I like fudge enough that it should be my surname. It's not a job, just a hobby. Alright, so after Hagrid dug like another hole... So many graves. The Forbidden Forest has been burnt down and there's now

a graveyard. An unmarked graveyard. There are just two human graves. And then a dog grave. A dog grave and a snake grave. A giant snake grave. A dead spider pit. Still open because they're still tracking them down.

I fucking love that I meant that your snake grave twisted. You were like, let's dig a big hole and just pour it in. You were like, no, no, the length of the snake. It's more really of a trophy, I feel. I want to remember it's a snake that I buried.

I want people to know that I killed that snake. And it was a big one. You know? Maybe one more grave for Buckbeak. Oh yeah, that's right. The events of the third one were that Sirius and Buckbeak die. That's it. That's the only

thing that... Dementors would probably come from Professor X. Or he would just wipe them all out because he'd be like, yeah, good, connect to me. Yeah. Bang. I think he'd suck their soul Lord you're coming for me I'm coming for you

Feed on bad thoughts I am bad thoughts I am the alpha I am the omega I'm fucking on snort Yeah that's scary That's fucked That's all the dementia's fucked. That's all the Dementors just...

Hagrid's digging more graves. There's hardly any bit to bury. There's just a cloak. You really want me to bury cloaks? Yes. I need them. It's less like we've got a more trophy run now. How many of these bullshit magic pieces of shit can I bury?

If I could kill a Patronus, I would So that's year three Year four is a Triwizard Cup Where the people from Bobatons and Doomstrang are like So I don't know if you know this, because you've changed dramatically. Yes. But there's meant to be a competition we do.

Oh, a competition. That's cool. It's quite dangerous. I've got a danger room. We should have it in there. All right. Every competition should be surviving the danger room. So can I enter it, or is it students only? No, it's for students largely, but I guess. Well, no, because like at this point.

Is Gilderoy still? Yeah, absolutely. But his students are coming away with a terrible knowledge. No, but there is one very big difference in the knowledge. They've had four years now of learning the killing curse. So the Triwizard Tournament is going to be a fucking walk in the park. Cedric,

Vodikadava, dead dragon. All the other schools are like, what the fuck? I got the egg! I'm imagining one very bamboozled goblet of fire spitting out names constantly. Every student?

Yes, the plan is to rush the dragon. All right. It's a bum rush. That's what we're doing. Okay, so I guess Cedric's the one in charge. He's the nominated representative. Because Harry wouldn't, well, he's dead. People don't even remember him.

It's been three years at this point. Oh, wait, who's Malfoy going to bully? Ron. Ron. Ron. Ron. Ron. That's good. That's good to hear. People who don't even remember him It's been three years at this point Who's Malfoy going to bully? Ron Ron Ron That's good That's good to hear Ron's got no one to stand up for his self confidence

And Ron and Hermione probably don't become friends Ron is sad Your sister's dead, Ron That's him just walking past him in the hallway Oh hi Ron, your sister's dead Why? Her body will lie in the hallway. Oh, hi, Ron. Your sister's dead. Why? Her body will lie in the chamber forever. It's amazing

all these students come back. School's awesome. I learned to murder. I fucking love it now. Alright, so yeah, so Cedric is there. So it's still Cedric, Fleur, and Crom. They're still the people going. And so I'm guessing Xavier's now kind of taking Cedric under his wing. He'll be like, alright, the first thing's a dragon. Can I call you Cyclops, Cedric, Fleur and Crom. They're still the people going. And so I'm guessing Xavier's now kind of taking Cedric under his wing.

He'll be like, all right, the first thing is a dragon. Can I call you Cyclops, Cedric? You're the kind of Cyclops type. Oh, I like your chin. It's very square. Wear these glasses. You look very fetching in red. What is it with me in red?

So is Professor X's instruction to Cedric just Avada Kedavra? I think, look, I'll mind control the dragon, and while it's not looking, you do the... Surely that's an international incident. The Avada Kedavra curse is illegal. Oh, yes. Can he mind control the dragon to kill itself? Absolutely. What I'm going to do is I'll control the dragon to kill itself. Absolutely. What I'm going to do is I'll

control the dragon from afar and you set the real high, you grab the egg and then I'll just... Hagrid, dig another hole. Who is that Australian sportsman who won the ice skating by default? Stephen Bradbury. That's a weird

reference. It is, it is, but he... Everybody else fell down so he came first. Twice! Two races in a row that happened. Semi-final, then the finals. Hero. But could that happen in the Triwizard Cup, if

the dragon slips and cracks its head? Is it like, well I guess win to Cedric. Cedric just needs to get the egg. It doesn't matter how. Oh, right. The dragon doesn't have to die. I mean, it's Professor X, so it will. But Professor X could just be like, go up.

Go up and don't stop. Where's that dragon? Space by now I'd imagine. Oh, it's dead. No, man. Oh, shit. Dead. And, it's dead. No air. Shit. Dead. And now it's coming down.

Everybody run! Scarpa. And then he's got another trophy. Yeah, there you go. Then the next one. The next one is going into the sea. Can I say by this point that Cornelius Fudge has been brought down for so many infractions at this point,

and Dr. X has meddled with his mind so much, Cornelius Fudge's mind at this point is surely jelly. Absolutely. He's like, yes, we'll keep Dumbledore in charge. He's doing a very good job. His school has no murder happening. Not one student died, I swear. Harry Potter is alive and seemingly doing nothing.

This is worse than Voldemort. It is! Think of the press, though. Like, Rita Skeeter would love him. Oh my god, yeah. Scandal of fucking year. Every year it's trouble. I feel like this is a very sad Wizarding World where the boy who was prophesied to defeat the Dark

Lord died at like 13 and everyone's like, ah, we're fucked, I guess. Yeah, so Cedric's got to go and get Cho Chang from under the water. A terrible thing to watch by the way, because it's in a lake and no one can

see. If I was in the crowd, if the four of us were at Hogwarts and that was the event i wouldn't go yeah i'd be like can you see harry down there is there any like underwater cams no there wasn't any everybody's just in like stadium seats everyone's literally sitting in a stadium clapping at a lake being like no because now because when harry resurfaces everyone knows what he did no wait no wrong myerman needs to say what he did. I fucked up.

That's right. The climactic end of that competition is a merman being like, yeah, so Harry Potter won. That's not how they talk above water. The climactic ending is a merman being like... And then everyone in the crowd being like... Everyone in the crowd being like... Everyone in the crowd being like, so what happened?

So I'm guessing, yeah, Cedric's killing a lot of mermaids. Yeah, absolutely. Also, I mean, not even necessarily. I mean, if the mermaid tells him what happened, I mean, everyone jumps in the water. Professor X is like, boop, boop, boop. Mermaid pops up. Cedric won.

They're like, he's been underwater for like four seconds. Like, yeah, he's very quick Professor X doesn't even need to mind control He'd be like, yeah, Cedric won The mermaid's like Yeah, I heard you, back in the sea Cedric won I don't know why he's so angry

He's very animated Cedric was his favorite Anyway, off to the next one He's very animated. Cedric was his favourite. Anyway, off to the next one. He's very angry because the other one's drowned. I was thinking another alternative thing that could happen is Cedric has been, like, had it ingrained in his head that Avada Kedavra's had to get

out of problem. So he's swimming and he's like, Avada Kedavra! That's Cho dead. That's a dead Cho. Imagine being watching the lake and just seeing green You're like Did someone just do a killing ghost? All these things popping up These mermaids just floating to the top

Oh my god guys They're like people This isn't like when the professor killed that dog This This is what he wants I'll get the net. There's also one issue. If Avada Kedavra

he's accidentally doing it on Cho Chang because he thinks it's a solution to everything. I reckon it's getting used a bit earlier and I think that it may change the outcome of this quite substantially. Oh, I see what you're saying. Everyone's like shark head, bubble head, and he's like Avada Kedavra.

That's exactly where I was going. That's a dead Cedric. Imagine watching that. Everyone's just standing there. I guess Cedric was sad. That's in front of everyone. Everyone's watching. I guess Cedric was sad. That's in front of everyone. I really like the idea of Dusha. Dusha, like, I don't know, you're eating chips or something while I'm watching,

and you look up and you're like, what happened? And I'm like, oh, my fucking God. Dusha, I don't even... Fucking hell. It's also funny because, like, hang on, I'll stand up so people can see my face, because he would be happy. He's going to be like... I guess he really wanted that.

And Professor X would just be at the sidelines being like, oh, right. Hagrid! All right, I'll dig another one. But that's a lot better because I feel like if Hagrid, if Cedric got in, killed all those merpeople, surely it's an insult for Hagrid to bury merpeople. They'd want to bury their own underwater somewhere. But who knows what they're saying. Yes, they love it.

It's good. They say we'd love you to bury them on land. They want to get them out of the water. The church gets up. Fish them out like a fish and bury them. Yes. They want to get them out of the water. The church gets up. Fish them out like a fish and bury them. Yes. Fillet them. Flush some of them.

Get those house slaves. We need them. Cut them up. There'll be a feast at the Great Hall tonight. Hope people like sushi. Yes, kids, we're having salmon. Wink. Why'd the professor wink?

I don't know. This school's fucked. It's a lot less boring, though. I imagine we're a little bit older in this situation. We're, for some reason, eternally final years. Doing our... Owls. We should probably know.

Or we're going to fail. So then you've got the maze. Yeah. So I guess, like... So Cedric's dead Crumb gets in there and they're like Who the fuck are you? Voldemort's like this, what?

But also like, I mean Why does Professor X care who wins this? Dumbledore only cares because he knows what's gonna happen Yeah, that's true Professor X has no idea He's like watching Crumb touches the trophy, disappears, and he's like,

maybe that's meant to happen. You think if there was another Mutant Academy and they had a competition, Professor X would not literally kill to win. It's a lot of pride. Yeah, if the Brotherhood

and the X-Men were going up in some kind of weird competition, yeah, you're right. He'd do anything. Professor X is finishing it on his own. He's like, watch that,

the champion died, I'll step in. Oh, actually, yeah, because Professor X is finishing it on his own He's like, watch that, the champion died I'll step in Actually, yeah, because Professor X could do that Just makes everyone think that he looks like Cedric Or just think he's a teen And then he enters the competition Touches the, because he kills the Runs through the maze

And then he touches, he is a graveyard The fuck is this? Who are you What if he picks another champion though What if he's like Another student Instead of me Yeah

Neville You'll do it Fucking Neville's dead Neville at this point Was not a competent student Also I don't think it's a rule That if your student dies

In the Triwizard tournament You get to pick another. Yeah, yeah. That's true. You're just plumb out of luck. You've got to watch, I guess. I guess I came fourth that year. Third, I guess.

Third. Well, that is nice to imagine Xavier being like, I'm pretty sure the rules were that I get to do it. And then he's in the graveyard like, oh, what? You again. Avada Kedavra, Avada Kedavra, Avada Kedavra. This is so easy. And all the death hitters are like, that's our word.

When I go back to being me, I'm going to get or do this to old Magneto. Yeah, it's very easy. You are. He had it so easy. Once again, we meet in battle. Vada Kedava. Yeah. I notice your magnetism can't block magic, dickhead.

So he kills Peter Pettigrew and Voldemort's new body and Nagini, I guess. And then Hagrid's... And then another snake. Fucking hate them. Hagrid, weigh the fuck off. I can just do it with bare hands, to be honest. Strangling a snake.

I can imagine imagine doing it. Hagrid, way the fuck off, starts packing his bags at Hogwarts thinking, I don't know why but I'm going to some weird country town and I need to bring my shovel. Alright, off we go. I can put two and two together.

We're going on a journey. It's also funny, even just like the cop pops back up again with Professor X holding it with a corpse. They're like, no, no, no, no, no. I'll be back again. He just keeps coming back and forth, his body's piling up. I'll be right back.

Whoop, whoop. There's piles of dead bodies. Voldemort's back. Cornelius, what do we do? Malfoy's like, my dad. Oh, yeah. He's like, yes Oh yeah He's like Yes He was a prick

But then that's good Because then Ron can be like Hey Malfoy Your dad's dead Call me poor I'll kill you So yeah Death Eaters are gone

Yeah but like Hang on How does Voldemort come back He needs the blood Of some shit. A bit of an arm or something. Well, Pettigrew's not there, so he can't get the arm. So he's just a pot.

He's just a cauldron. A face in a pot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like a little fetus little thing. So that's being stabbed. I just like the idea of Professor X bringing it back. I'm going to keep this in my office. What?

Does anyone know what this is? It's my trophy. I'm going to keep this in my office. What? Does anyone know what this is? It's my trophy. I'm going to dip bread in it. I've got the pensive to put cheese in it. And then this new one for sauce or something. Oh, yes, the powerful. He who must not be named is now a condiment. A delicious sauce.

Then, like, what? Finally, yes. A delicious sauce Then like what Finally is What happens next What's the next one Is the Order of the Phoenix Who just don't exist Sirius is dead Sirius is dead Lupin just is around

But he just never joined Surely because he's killed He's killed both of someone that they love, Malfoy and Rona may be tag-teaming to take down Professor X. Yeah, surely at this point, Professor X just takes the role of Voldemort, right? Yeah. And Dumbledore's army would be kind of like,

fuck Dumbledore's army. And you've still got Horcruxes roaming around, yeah. Voldemort isn't dead. He's just a soup. He's a soup, but there's also a tiara. And a brooch. A brooch, a stone. Yeah, he's a couple things still.

Dumbledore, or Professor X, if he wants to get rid of Voldemort, he has to drink the poison. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, from the lake poison. What's Snape doing with all this? I feel like a lot of teachers have just left. Dumbledore, we had a plan. Do you not remember the plan we had for Dumbledore?

What? You're very greasy. Have a shower. Oh wait, I'm sorry. Is that your X power? Slippery. You're a slick man. I'm sorry, is that your X-Power? Slippery. You're a slick man. I'm going to call you slips. Can your tongue extend?

Is it all frog-themed somehow? So, Order of the Phoenix, what happened to Harry? What happens at Hogwarts in that year? Is that when Dumbledore gets... Cornelius Fudge gets sacked because he's comatose. The new minister is like, well, we need to do something about Hogwarts. Trivenger comes in early, maybe.

Well, doesn't Umbridge already hate Dumbledore? Before all of this, I mean, like before the books where we jump in, I'm pretty sure Umbridge is like, I don't trust that guy. Yeah, fair. I could be totally wrong, so if anyone wants to... Umbridge, I don't think he's... Oh, we've got a nodding head! I was right! Where does Mad-Eye fit into all this?

Well, Mad-Eye just never needs to come along because Harry's already gone. Mad-Eye's dead because he gets suspicious of Dumbledore, is super paranoid, and Dr. X has to kill him serious style. You keep saying Dr. X who was an action man bad guy.

He's a professor not a doctor. Because Mad-Eye wasn't even a hassle. When he goes to get him he's like, you're not him. Avada Kedavra. Avada Kedavra. I sort of imagine Professor

X just teaching the school himself at this point whatever students he doesn't allow to leave are there and he's just training them and all the other teachers have just gone who's the smartest one? you? I'm just going to grab your education

to everybody done does that mean that everyone gets Gilderoy Lockhart's education? Hey, he was good at the brain-taking spell. And not a lot else. Really, look. You're going to need two spells.

We've already taught you about the cadaver. Now there's this other one, Acutio Brain. Our proud student Jackson Bailey perfected that. Sure did. Hack your brain.

Oops. I feel like there's a lot of teachers that Professor X would just get rid of. Like, he just doesn't need them. McGonagall is gone. Huh? She's too nice. McGonagall is going to try and protect the students. Not happening.

Mistake number one. Trelawney is giving the ass because she's also telling the future and he's not having that. McGonagall's like, you can turn to a cat like a mystique. Don't trust you shapeshifters. There you go. Kedar. Get another

whole Hagrid. A small one. It's a kitty shape. I feel like the battle of Hogwarts Just happens two years earlier Yeah, it's the ministry versus And like Voldemort And like the rest of the Death Eaters

Are like sitting on the sideline being like I don't know, I thought we were the bad guys This is real weird Are we the villains? I don't know Do they join up? I think so, Voldemort's like I've seen what can happen with someone with absolute power. I was wrong.

I fucking love the Death Eaters breaking into Dumbledore's office and Voldemort in the soup being like, I'm in here. Guys, fish me out. Get a net. Get a net.

He's been dipping bread in me. He turned me into a fucking pudding. Professor X can't lose. He has the Elder Wand. He's got all the power. Does he deserve the Resurrection Stone? Who's got that? If he knows everything that Dumbledore knows,

then he can find the Resurrection Stone. But that'll kill him. That didn he knows everything that Dumbledore knows, then he can find the Resurrection Stone, but that'll kill him. That didn't work well for Dumbledore. I don't know if it'll work well for Professor X. Well, Professor X will be like, Hagrid. You'll go get him. Are you thirsty, Hagrid? I don't want to drink anymore.

Drink up. Come on. I do want to drink it, apparently. Are you sure? It's not very pleasant. You need it all, Hagrid. Hagrid, before you have a drink, I need you to dig me one big hole. Roughly seven foot. About maybe a... Hagrid, how tall are you?

Seven foot, I need a seven and a half foot tall. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Six foot two. Hang on, wait, that dog's pretty. Second order, yeah. I don't want to look after a dog. The ministry would just be in a really weird position where all the corrupt ministry members would be like,

we were not prepared for this. Which side do you fight for? Because it's too far. He's not really a good guy anymore. I guess the enemy of the enemy is your friend. Right. So I guess the ministry is teaming up with Voldemort. They have to. They're like, I know you

caused some problems and you had some crazy ideas. But at this point I think we've found a bigger monster. The only thing I can compare it to is like so like S.H.I.E.L.D. and the Avengers films was HYDRA the whole time. And then obviously that splits up and then whatever.

But it would be like if S.H.I.E.L.D. and Hydra and then the moon was coming to crash into Earth. They'd probably be like, well, look, let's just put our differences aside this one time. Yeah, there'd be that discussion where Voldemort's like, look, after this, we'll get back to it. Our shit's on hold. Or there's a moment where Xavier's dipping his bread.

He's like, nom nom nom. He's like, hey, how about we team up? Voldemort is not going to share the throne. I think the problem... I don't know, if you're being like a soup for like a year and a half,

you're prepared to make some deals. At that point You're just like, look, I've got my pride But I'm being a soup I don't know how much longer I can remain a soup At a certain point I just think that Voldemort's ideals and Professor X's

Don't line up Magneto's, and Voldemort's do What do you do? Kill the muggles? What are they? Humans Ah Is Voldemort getting his Death Eaters to find Magneto? Are we dragging him into this?

Well, yeah. But actually, is Magneto even fucking good compared to a wizard? Like, he's not. A wizard can do a multitude of things. Magneto can bend a spoon. Yeah. What's the point? You'd be like, what spells

do you know? And he'd be like, ah! You know what Hogwarts is full of? Suits of armor. You know what you can't mind control? Suits of armor. Or Avada Kedavra. Or the sword of Gryffindor.

If Professor X got stabbed to death by the sword of Gryffindor, that sort of fit? Sword of Gryffindor. If Professor X got stabbed to death by the sword of Gryffindor, that's sort of fit. Sword of Gryffindor hanging over Dumbledore's office and as Professor X is walking out it just falls and cuts his head off. It's just going to be after maybe five years

of Xavier's reign of terror. The Ministry have reached out to the Brotherhood and they're like, hey, we need your help. And that's when I think Xavier storms the castle. I mean, Magneto storms the castle. I feel like Toad just eats shit straight up the back. Oh, yeah, straight away.

I think by the whomping willow. It's very weird that Toad looks like a toad, right? Yeah. Is it? Well, because it's a mutant power. It's not like he got touched by a magic toad, right? Yeah, is it? Well, because it's a mutant power. It's not like he got touched by a magic toad. That's just coincidence that he's very toad-like.

Is his mutant power that he is a bit toad? Yeah, but that doesn't make sense because he's not a toad. He's a man. No, I think what your issue should be is the fact that it's rude that they just named him toad. He's got like a long tongue and he's kind of slippery. Those are Toad features, though. Yeah. But what if he's half Toad, half man?

That's his mutant power. That doesn't make sense. Oh, it doesn't make sense, does it? This lad can shoot shit from his eyes. Yeah, but that's like if my mutant power was that I could become a horse. That's ridiculous because horses are a thing, right? So the mutant power doesn't make sense because I've become a... You know what I mean? You know that fire is a thing

too, yeah? And ice? Yeah. It'd be more like if you were half a horse. Yeah, that's weird. Yeah, it is. I agree with you. That sounds almost fucked. You're right. Yeah, mutants put them down. No, no, no. They're just... they're wrong.

I'm just, anyway, whatever. Fine. I'll digress. That's why we call them mutations. Yeah, yeah. That still doesn't answer my question. I think the ministry would go with the Brotherhood because, again, the Brotherhood want to wipe out muggles.

Yeah. And, you know, the ministry are like, nah, we kind of like humans. So I'm thinking it's going to be the remnants of the Death Eaters. The Death Eaters are going to try and find their brotherhood and they're going to be the weird heroes of the story? Yeah, yeah. But then once all's said and done, they want to kill humans. So are they really heroes?

No. It's a weird thing where the good guys are like, fuck wizards and the bad guys are like, fuck humans. You're like, neither of you are right. Do you think Professor X is getting sick from all of the Voldemort he's eaten? Or stronger. Is he maybe becoming a Horcrux?

Or are we going to get like an onslaught situation where Xavier and Voldemort's minds just meld because he's just drinking the soup that is Voldemort? Is it the kind of thing where Professor X gets to the bottom of the thing and there's just fetus Voldemort or Voldemort's face and he's like, well, I've become so accustomed to the taste. When I'm here, I might just...

Imagine being one of the remaining professors and coming in as he finishes eating the fetus. Oh, no, no, no. Is it going to be like a quarrel situation where his face is on the back? I imagine more on the front. Just on top.

Yes, his bald head is right there. All Voldemort can see is up. That's funny. And I think Xavier then becomes king of the Death Eaters. And then Hogwarts just becomes basically Avada Kedavra. That's all we're teaching, really. So basically, we've got to ask the question, because the idea of Harry Potter and the prophecy and all that was that Harry

Potter is the only person that can kill Voldemort, but if Harry Potter doesn't, Neville can, yeah? Yeah. No, it's one or the other. Yeah, but Harry Potter's died in our situation. No, it was, uh, it could have been either one of them, but Voldemort chose Harry, basically. So, since technically no one can kill Harry except for Voldemort,

so when he... Into the bridge. Over the bridge. Prophecies don't come true all the time. Does that mean, though, that Harry has just been lying in the bottom of, like, a river? Well, in a grave dug by Hagrid. For, like, six years, just kind of, like,

slowly reforming his throat. To burst out and be like, I'm 13. The feat, like, again, Forks maybe has just dug him up slowly, like, over a couple of nights so he's not to, you know, cause suspicion. Yeah. Resurrects his zombie Harry. So can Paulie... And then Harry now has to kill uh professor voldemort so is that is that he has a lot of

support this time because he's fighting objective and very public evil so is our question can poorly magically educated 13 year old corpse har corpse Harry defeats super-powered Professor X Voldemort Mix-Em-Up. With the backings of the Death Eaters and the Brotherhood. And the U-Wand. Yeah. No. The what wand? Oh, the U-Wand.

You always say U-Wand, which is a plumbing tool. Yeah. I don't know why. It's designed for cleaning the pipes of a sink. Is it made out of U? It's designed for cleaning the pipes of a sink. It's called the Elder Wand. Isn't it made out of like a U-tree? Ah, there you go. It's weird that that's what you latched onto. I am. I'm very dumb.

Basically, in this version Voldemort wins, right? Unless the X-Men come in. Dumbledore comes in! Dumbledore is teaching the X-Men because he's just been like i'm stuck in this shit and then he'd have to wheel and be like so there's this magical school where this asshole has taken control of my body in seven years we can do something till then well the only person and it is like the 90s greedy X-Men. Because that's in the 90s,

yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. 98, I think, is when the Battle of Hogwarts happens. Yeah, so they're getting the... They're getting the morally grey X-Men. You're getting like no-nose Wolverine, and he's the best Wolverine. We're getting X-Men with guns, yeah.

Cables is going to kick in a door and start shooting, slithering left, right, and center. That doesn't work in Dumbledore's favor because he's used to war. It's not guns. But he's got seven years to learn how to use a piece. Yeah. Cable's like, no, hold it like this. That's real good to imagine the Battle of Hogwarts happening in 1996

between Professor X, Dom Voldemort fella and zombie Hagrid and then the X-Men theme starts playing. Ba-na-na-na-na. I really like Professor X with a tire. Lance Cable is now leading it because he's like, well, I've come from the future

and this is not good. I really like Professor X. Dumbledore, Professor X. Yeah. Dumbledore, Professor X is Dumbledore and Professor X's body. Professor X, Dumbledore is Professor X in Dumbledore's body. How about we just go Dumbledore, leader of the X-Men,

Professor X, leader of Hogwarts, currently eating Voldemort. Currently maybe kind of like a Voldy situation. But it is great for the... That's straightforward and easy to understand. Everybody's on the same page, right? Yeah, good.

I like the idea of Professor X assembling and disassembling a rifle like you. The only way you can defeat magic is guns. Yeah, and again, this is the gritty 90s X-Men. They were gun heavy. Who are the X-Men we got to work with? I think you'd be more X-Force, really. So you got Cable and like Warpath. Cable and Warpath.

Oh, they are just guns. That's their powers. Wolverine with no nose. Wolverine with no nose. If we get him in like a bone. And also like. Jubilee, who is like, well, you know. She can make lights.

That's cool. How okay are the X-Men with killing kids? I think Wolverine's pretty cool with it. Wolverine prefers killing kids. Like recently he's like, no. But I think in the 90s he was going through some stuff. I think he's more for it. Every superhero's killed at least one child.

The big question is, because they're mostly guns, what's more lethal, A gun or a wand? And also, would Avada Kedavra kill Wolverine? Oh, that's a good question. You're welcome. Thinking of that. Sitting on that one. I suspect yes. I suspect

no. I also suspect no. Because it's magic. Wolverine doesn't know how to deal with magic. He's science wolverine doesn't know how to deal with magic he's science but magic doesn't know how to deal with wolverine he's saying no because it bypasses any of the physical shit it's not like avada kedava stops your heart it's not like avada kedava makes your brain do you know how it kills you it just kills you it's magic so like sure you can if you're like i pop wolverine's heart it'll grow back but if you

just bypass that and you're like dead so i'm pretty sure every time wolverine dies he has to fight death okay yeah oh no yeah sorry comics are stupid um so i'm pretty sure every time he fights death he's gonna every time he dies he has to. Yeah. And so I think maybe he might win this one. He fights death? He's angry. Well, it's said in Hogwarts now, it could be the same situation that Harry gets when he dies, where he sees dead Dumbledore,

and Dumbledore's like, you can either die or feed us Voldemort or something. So this is confusing after I feed you, Harry. I get it. So Xavier's like, I have a lot of cadaver. He just goes into the train station, comes back up,

he's like, yeah, I want to live, comes back, and he's like, ah, a lot of cadaver. And it's funny, you know, like Harry Potter being like, why are we on King's Cross or whatever? Wolverine would be like, why are we here?

What is this? What the fuck? Why is this not like the Canadian wilderness or something? And then as all stories with a super villain who was once a hero, in Wolverine it ends with him just schnick. Yeah, yeah. And that's beautiful. Maybe he's holding the sword.

Schnick. Do they swap back? And that's beautiful. Do they swap back? Is that point Dumbledore like, why? Back in his original body. Okay, in Freaky Friday, if Jamie Lee Curtis had killed Lindsay Lohan,

what would have happened? Have they learnt their lesson is the question. Well, yeah, have they learnt their lesson? Oh, wait, no, we're idiots because this wasn't a Freaky Friday situation. This was just Professor X. So the moment Wolverine goes to stab Dumbledore, he's just like,

boop, boop, boop. All right, X-Men, let's get out of here. Yes. Well done. Another supervillain got to the mansion. That was a crazy...

What are you talking about, Dumbledore? Yes, yes. Kill you a traitor. Kill you with a treasure. Get him, Iceman. Frozen. And, yeah, what a wild winter that was, I guess. That was a long...

That was a long seven years, yes. A long winter. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've been Adam. And I I've been Joel I've been Jackson I've been Adam And I've also been Joel Thank you Yes

I keep forgetting these lads There's people behind us and that's weird Thanks for listening and if you want to follow us on Twitter You can find us at Sandspants Radio Or you can find us individually I'm at Douche13 I'm at OldDogsOfDead And I'm at GodDammitZammit

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But not forever. Kisses.