Plumbing the Death Star - What is the Best Fictional Universe to Live In Again?

Episode Date: August 10, 2015

In which our heroes still don’t care that it’s bigger on the inside, aren’t impressed with how many parsecs you made the Kessel Run in and don’t want to deal with that mutant problem on Earth 616 because there are better fictional universes to live in. We look at the ethics of mind control, the potential problems that arise when body switching and the responsibility of owning pets at such a young age. Jackson decides on Freaky Friday, Zammit inevitably turns to Star Wars, and Duscher just surprises us all with Pokemon. So pick your side, build your case and bribe the necessary judges as we find out, once and for all, the best fictional universe to live in. Again.Want to help destroy the multiverse? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in all our parallel lives. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least eighty books about string theory. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sanspence Radio, catchier than the plague. Oh, hey, so myself and Jackson did a guest spot on the Adam Sandcast, where we talk about the 2008 classic, Bedtime Stories. So, if you want to listen to three grown men talk about a man named Skeeter, the inherent issues with guinea pig magic, and the manipulation of children by a 40-year-old man-child, then this is the podcast for you.

Just search for The Adam Sandcast on iTunes and give it a listen. And while you're there, why not check out our other shows, Shut Up a Second, Movie Maintenance, and D&D's for Nerds. You'll probably enjoy them. Or not. You do you, man. Hey guys, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, which would be the best fictional universe to live in again whenever life gets you

down mrs brown and things seem hard or tough and people are stupid obnoxious or daft and you feel that you've had quite enough Freaky Friday. Why? Because, okay, so you know how like you'll never experience what it's like to be another person. You, for the rest of your life, are you. That's it. You're done. Yeah, it's still, again, empathy.

One of those things haven't quite... You're never going to get it. You're never there. It's not happening. It's not happening for you. No. Joel Der is always gonna be joel doucher and like although it is one of my favorite things to sometimes just be looking at people and then just be like they're thinking things and i can't hear that and that's crazy exactly and whilst with freaky friday blow my mind whoa like when you look at someone they're experiencing things similar usually, but not the same.

And you'll never know what they're feeling. And you still wouldn't with Freaky Friday, because that's not how Freaky Friday works. No, it's still your brain. But it has to be Freaky Friday after the fact, okay? So you've pissed off your mum or whatever. Mum, you're a hot shit. What'd you fucking say, son?

You're like, you heard me, mum. I'll fucking jack you up. Fuck you, mom. I'll fucking jack you up. Fuck you, mom. I'll fucking kill you. I'll pull you into this water, fucking take you out of it. Your version of mom sounds a lot like

Medigli out of a cat from Ferrell's. Just saying. But shut the fuck up. It's got to be Freaky Friday after the fact. So you've pissed off your mom. Okay. You've gone to sleep.

Fuck you. Yeah, okay, son. You've woken up in her body you're your mom you're like holy shit you learn a lesson you sort it out but then you're like i can do this whenever i want i basically have the power to body swap with someone just by pissing them off right because if it happens once you're like well maybe it'll happen again yeah yeah so you feel like if it happens once that's just like it's like something that's sort of like stuck yeah and after it happens once, you're like, well, maybe it'll happen again. Yeah, yeah. So you feel like if it happens once, it's like something that's sort of stuck. Yeah. And after it happens the first time, it's just unstuck, so it just happens constantly.

And it's also really cool because then, again, you start experiencing the world of other people because it's not your brain going to someone else. It's your consciousness, your soul, or whatever you call it, going to someone's body. So you're experiencing the world from their physiological standpoint so you're not really getting like their emotions but if you saw like a really buff guy at a gym and you're like hey toffee fuck you then maybe

you'd wake up in his body and you could like break bricks with your fists and not just that but you know this whole kind of concept of is the color blue the same blue that i see have you seen out their eyes and you're seeing out some of their eyes so if i would say body swapping to someone who's a color blind yeah or yeah or who have that extra weird cone thing which makes them see that other color fucking just jumping into a lady's body yeah because they've got they can see some bad news for you sons what uh that's it's's more like, it's not actually a brain swapping, but it's more like a brain swap, because when you think about Freaky Friday,

Jamie Lee Curtis, when Lindsay Lohan is Jamie Lee Curtis, Jamie Lee Curtis can still play guitar and that the same, which makes me think that colorblind would be a similar thing, where you'd just stop being colorblind, because it's a brain thing, not an eyeball thing. Wait, Lindsay Lohan is the guitar player. Yes.

Then she switches body. But as Jamie Lee Curtis... But that's not a physiological thing. That's a skill. That's just knowing where your hands go. Colourblindness is like a fuck-up in your eyes. Isn't colourblindness a fuck-up in your brain? Nope.

I don't know. And even if it is, you're not transplanting brains, you're transplanting consciousness. But isn't skills a similar thing? No. No, it kind of is. I kind of see what Dusha means. But then muscle memory, but then different body.

Anyway, I was just thinking of committing crimes with it. Yeah, no, good. That was enough. That was like experiencing shit from another. No, I just was like, I could be like, hey, that guy. Hey, buddy, fuck you. I bet it's hard to live... You could rob a bank! Yeah, I'm like, oh, it's easy to live my life you have it so easy, and he's like

no, you have it so easy, and then I'm in his body and I'm like... And then you rob a bank, and then you do have it so easy, and he has it very hard, because he is in prison. But then the problem, what if the other guy has the exact same idea? Well, like after... So you both stumble into the same bank, aha! I see where this is going. problem what if the other guy has exact same idea well like after like you both like stuff with the same bank aha oh see where this is going but that's the perfect crime samet because then when

we swap back the people are like oh wait no it isn't i'm just fucking you're both going to jail you could have a who can commit the most heinous crimes but what if we then swap bodies with two other people? How scary would it be to just lose your mind in the fray of people? You could. And you could, in a sense, also, from a very selfish standpoint, you could live forever. You could.

You're an old man. You're about to die. What happens? You go to a little toddler. You piss it off. You hassle it. Yeah. You then switch bodies.

You toddlers have it so easy. And he's like, you old people have it so easy. You old piece of shit. And then you get into fisticuffs. Rude toddler. Yeah, I'll say. You get into fisticuffs. And then I'm just a toddler.

And then you wake up. You're a toddler. You have a whole life to live again. I'd do it on my deathbed. Well, not even that. What if you swap bodies with someone and then you just kill them? Yeah. No, but you're dead because you're in their body. No, not even that. What if you swap bodies with someone and then you just kill them? Yeah. No, but you're dead because you're in their body. No, no, no.

He's saying, say I swap bodies with Dusha and then he uses my sick car to run over his old body. Yes, then I am Dusha. Although, Freaky Friday might be like, yeah, if you kill your body your brain just swaps back. So you just end up killing yourself. Well, like, when I learn the lesson

it's just like, and back into your... no no wake up dead so just never learn a lesson but how good would it be like i'll tell you what i do wait no no no wait before you do that think about like you wake up dead a dead man is just all of a sudden alive again oh my god you're just like in my body in my body i heaven. And because you've killed me, I definitely experienced heaven. Yeah. Because if anyone's going to heaven, It's this boy. This guy.

Hey, Jesus, looking for this high five, bro? See you later. You'll get it when the time comes. No, but I'll tell you what I do. Like, going up to, like, a press conference Obama is having, being like, it's easy being president, ha.

And he'll be like, oh, it's easy not being president. Wake up in his body and be like, Jackson Bailey is the new king of Kentucky as Obama. Then when we learn our lessons and swap back, I'm like, hey guys, how nice of Obama.

Jackson Bailey, new king of Kentucky. I see what you're doing there. You set yourself up. You almost have limitless possibilities. Swap into the bank, make the teller give you more money than you deserve or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then when you swap back, the teller's in trouble. No, that's still a crime. It's just a slightly different one to you walking in with a gun.

Hey, okay. Say this scenario. I jump into your body, Dusha. I rob a bank. Then with the money, I get you to dump it somewhere. And then I jump off a cliff in your body. As you die,unk back into my body then i go and get the cash i like that you try too hard to learn a lesson that instance and you're like the freaky friday rules are just like no you're faking it so then you just die or i can be like hey dusha can you go get look go to the

bank say get some x-men dollars out like say 500 bucks out because you've got to buy something like sure you go get that money out i have an, like say 500 bucks out because you've got to buy something, like sure. You go get that money out. I have an argument with you. Then we switch bodies. You've got like 500 bucks in your wallet. I then take that out and place it into my own house. Then we switch back. I've got 500 bucks of yours. That does work.

That's effective. I would just constantly be swapping bodies then because I'd know you did that and then I'd be mad at you again and then we'd swap back. Then we'd get an argument But I feel like the moment that happens like you just be like there's no lesson You're just stealing my money You're just stealing each other's cash How about we team up and steal someone else's cash

Hang on you live with your girlfriend Yeah You sure you want to swap bodies with me? Nope Not anymore Not anymore you piece of shit Yeah I win Just win because no one You're like

I don't really want to do that anymore I don't know if I trust you Alright Oh Oh Nah I'm super trustworthy I don't sleep on the couch

I'm a gentleman Ems would be like Sam Why? Are you mad at me? I ruin your relationship By doing the opposite Yeah exactly

I just don't want to sleep with you It's wrong Why? Why? I don't want to look at you I just look I'm going for a drive You can do that with almost anyone of your friends You become like You have infinite possibilities

The only problem is like What if I went up to you and was like Fuck you have it easy being you And you were like yeah I don't Yeah I guess the problem is apathetic people Yeah and what if I just didn't learn the lesson What if I was like dang it is easy being Zammett How great

Pretty good lesson man I'm sure if I swapped into being the president Maybe the president has it easy If I swapped into the queen I don't know if the president has it easy No that's what I mean like he doesn't have it easy. Okay, yeah. So, like, I would be like, oh man, being president is hard. Actually, the

president would be like, being Jackson is the easiest. Like, not gonna lie, guys, if you jumped into my body, that is a sweet ride for the rest of your life. The problem is that you have to swap bodies with someone you care about, otherwise you are going to agree with whatever, because if you're like, they have it easy. The only reason in Freaky Friday that they've realized they don't have it easy

is because there's consequences to their actions. But if you do not care about the person, then there's no consequences. It's like, it's like... Yeah, but you're switching with somebody. I see what you mean. Same me in New Swap. Yeah. I'm like, oh, Zamet's job is so stressful.

And like, home life, there's like a lot of effort. I have to be a grown up kind of thing. Yeah. But if I do not care about you, I'm just like, fuck it. I'll do whatever I want anyway. Yeah, so you go to a homeless man like, man, being a bum must be the easiest. You guys have it so easy.

You don't have to work. You can just be a bum all day. And he's like, what? What do you mean? And then you wake up as a bum and the bum's like, sick. I've got a good. I've got a good. And then you wake up as a bum and the bum's like, sick. I've got a good. I've got a good. And then you spend your days drinking malt liquor.

I guess that if you lived in this universe, it would be awesome. Don't get me wrong. But the worry would always be that because everyone can do it. Like if someone came up to you and they're like, hey, you have it easy. And you'd have to be like, yes, I do. It's great. So what if, say, like, for example, me and Dusha body swap. Okay. And then you got to me expecting for example, me and Dusha body swap. Okay.

And then you go up to me expecting me not realizing it was Dusha and then you get into an argument. Then are you then in me and Dusha's in you? That's what I was saying. What if I swap with a guy and then I come back and I'm like, all right, let's swap back. And he's like, what do you mean? Who the hell are you?

And I'm like, wait, who are you? He's like, my name is Patricia. I used to be a 40-year-old woman. I i don't know oh my god i guess it would help you that's oh my god just how good a movie is that somebody freaky fridays and then they're they're in a body and they fight like it's like a good time but then the doctor comes or the doctor's like hey you have a terminal illness you're gonna die in a week and the guy's like fuck i gotta, but then the doctor comes and the doctor's like, hey, you have a terminal illness. You're going to die in a week. And the guy's like, fuck, I've got to change back.

And then he just can't find his body and it's a race against time to find his original body. And to learn a lesson. And to learn a lesson. Is this a lesson? Is this a lesson? Not so easy being rich? I don't know. Come on, guys, help me out here.

It's not the lesson, nothing's changed. So yeah, Freaky Friday. And then the lesson at the end would be that sometimes it's okay to die. It's a good lesson, but it's a pretty good universe to live in if it means shedding material and earthly goods.

There is no more attachment. Basically, you would no longer be human, you'd be transcending humanity. Effectively, you're immortal. Everyone is. longer be human, you'd be transcending humanity. Effectively you're immortal because everyone is, it's just that we have these bodies these shells and I think babies would become pretty much good property because everyone would be

switching with the baby. You just have two kids and then you jump into those two kids and then you go out and you find somebody else and you have two more kids, jump into those kids But you're sacrificing the next generation the lives of your children, the lives of you know young people that you know so you can live forever as for a selfish person and for someone who just doesn't give a fuck about anyone else which is a weird thing because we started off being like this would be a great way

to learn empathy you guys did no no no no you did i already have jackson and i both already have empathy. We can relate to human beings. It sounds like a hassle, guys. So from going from my opinion, this could be like, hey, learning empathy, but then I'm sort of like, no, no, no, selfish, liberal. Crimes. The problem with Freaky Friday is it's a great universe,

but no one's actually going to learn a lesson. Everyone's just going to learn how to be the biggest cunt. Yeah, I think they're there're as an individual awesome as a fundamental universe though not great jack but the question being what's the best fictional universe to live in for me freaky friday also that's i was gonna say that's not a fictional universe and then i remembered yes it is yes it is when you're like that's a historical event, the Freaky Friday of 1986. My name is Patricia. As a 40-year-old woman living in a 20-year-old body. As someone who just said something ridiculous, let me explain myself. I was thinking, I was like, no, but that's still your life.

I'm like, yeah, but that's the point. I fucked up. Well, Joel, since you seem to be fucking all high and mighty about Freaky Friday not being the best fictional universe, what's your fucking choice? I'm going Friday not being the best fictional universe? What's yours? I'm gonna put forward the Star Wars universe But there's no air and space

But the prequels not like the Empire falling or whatever It's like Jar Jar and that Well the Jedi Council are a big force to be reckoned with. The Jedi Council

exist and are there. And while I want to say living in a universe with like, you know, using the force powers and lightsabers would be sick as fuck, but let's be honest,

none of us are probably just steaming, teeming with midichlorines except for probably Dusha over here. I'm steaming. They're like, the Jedi's come to me

and they're like, look, there's a concentration here but they're not in you They're just around Does that mean am I a Jedi? No Not in the slightest Can I come away from this shit hole?

I guess we could use you and breathe in your vapor And we could be better Jedi's And just to really hammer it How much better we are So I'm not Than you The Jedi Council are this big force I want to take just to really just hammer it how much better we are. So I'm not. Than you. When the Jedi Council are this big force, I reckon,

I want to take, this might not be familiar with this scene, but there's one scene in episode two where Obi-Wan Kenobi. They're rolling around on Naboo and you're just like, oh, I'm so glad there's no sand in that scene. I'm very familiar with it. Hold me like that time you did on Naboo, Dusha. Magical. The scene with Obi-Wwan kenobi is in a bar yeah some shit and this guy's like hey man you want some death sticks he's like no you do not want to sell me death sticks and also jedi mind trick you want to go home and rethink your life right and so he does he goes home and rethink his life what if a man has no home oh no he's gonna be very confused he's gone to a bridge

what if a jedi is like fly like does the guy just climb up somewhere really i just leap off a building it's just just just hope he's a trojan um but how good a trojan trojan trojan the hell are you saying uh trojan horse no? No. Trojan condoms? The Trojan? Whatever. International male wrestler? What is a Watto? He's a Troy something.

I don't know. That scene shows that the Jedi's can change your personality, can change your habit. Because I'm guessing death sticks are going to not be great. I'm guessing there's some sort of addictive drug. It's called death sticks are gonna not be great i'm guessing there's some sort of it's called death sticks you're in trouble so how good would it be if you could go to a jedi and be like look like i have no self-control when it comes to death sticks when it comes to eating like tatooine candy i need to work out more whatever it is i've just i'm just gonna throw it they just be like hey can you just i'll pay i'll pay you like whatever many

credits or whatever can you just jed Jedi mind trick me and be like, you do not like this candy anymore or you want to cut back on this candy. How good would that be? That would be sick. Also, I just have a theory about that guy that got sent home to rethink his life about death sticks. Sleazebago, whatever his name was. Alan Sleazebaganon.

Alan Wake. Alan, yes. Bugsy Malone. Played by Mouse from Matrix films Bugsy Malone gets sent home

to think about Death Sticks and he's like I really like the name Death Sticks turns out he's the one who invented the Death Star

there you go there's my theory for me he was like Death Sticks and then he looked at his Christmas tree which had a star on top and he's like

Death Star also explains the PR movement of the Death Stars it's just a brand they don't actually want to kill you when you think about your life

like Death Sticks I'm gonna start a fucking metal band called the Death Sticks alright damn it it sounds like a good universe but I want to just okay I want you to

picture something you're a Jedi you are part of the Jedi Council I'm a Jedi Council and you Jesus that's quite a promotion

both of you are sick why not you're both part of the Jedi Council Jedi Jesus. That's quite a promotion. Both of you are. Sick. Why not? You're both part of the Jedi Council. Jedi Jolls. All right. Jedi Jolls.

Together. You have half of the regular amount of midichlorians. So we're both like okay with the force. 40% midichlorians, 60% midichlorians. But you're part of the Jedi Council, and I'm a guy, and I'm addicted. I can't stop eating all these Naboo muffins. Yes, there's delicious Naboo-bian muffins.

Naboo-bian muffins are my jam, but I'm like, I'm getting so fat. And you're in there, and you're having this council meeting. You're like, what the fuck do we do about the droids? Holy shit. And then there's just like a... Hello. Come in. My name is Jackson Bailey.

Yes. And I have an eating problem. Could you stop whatever the fuck you're doing and fix my eating disorder? I have poor impulse control, but I'm very lazy. Okay. Help? Sure. Jackson, you do not want to eat as much.

Jedi mind trick. You just do it. Okay, Jackson. Yeah? Work out some more. You just do it. Okay, Jackson, work out some more. You just do it. You know how little effort that was for us? So even in the middle of a meeting, you would have this queue at the door leading down the stairs of the Jedi Council Tower.

Maybe have like a bureaucracy thing to have my appointment. So you're basically psychiatrists. Yes. Yeah. And also politicians. And wizards. And also priests, I guess. That's sort of what Jedi are. I feel like you're just putting a lot on your plate.

Not really. It's very easy. You see what we just did then in about 10 seconds? That. Cured you. What? Done. You're both just looking at me like this, like like jackson you're cured jackson it's like the

next guy yeah you know move your hulking mass out that door shuffle down get the next guy who needs to bulk up a bit come on what's your problem also also another really easy thing to do okay so everyone has an eating problem thing just get all them in a room at room at once, one hand away. Yeah, oh my God. I didn't even think about it. Why don't just go out on the balcony and be like, everyone lives a healthy, good life. Yeah. No, because that's not quite a mind trick.

I don't think that everyone lives a healthy, good life. It has to be slightly more specific. Yeah, I think you have to want it. My issue is you have to kind of want to be minute. Because you don't have to be like, if you're a big, fat slob, be like, I love these Naboovian muffins. And like Obi-Wan or say Team Jog- joel and joel here like they're jogging along and we just see him but oh my god that fat piece look at him just stuff naboovian muffin i like to

imagine you're running like you're jogging and sweaty and stuff and i'm using the force to hover yeah and sam it's hovering as well but just a little bit lower I feel like I'm lying down you're not working out are you I'm having a nap I'm like Dusha you should work out more damn it your Jedi mind chicks won't work on me only money ha ha ha ha

and so yeah we go we see fat Jackson shoving his face with Naboovian muffins, and I'm just like, I can't handle with that. Jackseo. Fatest Jackseo. I'm like, you need to stop eating those muffins and go on a diet. I think that's a little bit uncalled for.

Yeah. You need to want to change. Okay. I mean, there's nothing stopping us from Force Lightning-ing you, but... Are you Sith? Hey, man. A little bit. What's the other fucking 40% and 50%?

Yeah, I forgot about the Sith in this universe as well. That's okay, because using your method of... Oh, no, you were saying that the Jedi mind trick would still work if they don't want it. It's just like, as Jedi, we wouldn't do it unless they wanted it. That's true. But the problem is the Sith, though. But there's only two of them, so it's fine. Yeah, exactly. The only issue I can see...

Alright, you've shat all over my... You have better things to do. Whatever. Apparently you don't. He's going for a jog. I'm literally sleeping, lying, like, hovering, walking. The Joel's laziest Jedi. We're not good Jedis, Jackson.

No, we're not lazy. We're quite productive. But what about... We're just doing dumb shit. How dare you call us lazy? We're out there curing people of these eating problems. Can you use mind tricks on yourself? Maybe

And also we could discharge money for this Even if it's like a creditor A little mind swipe thing We could make quite a bit of a profit for ourselves here It's a good money making scheme I suppose But what about the Gollum issue The Gollum issue The what?

The Gollum issue. Yeah, but the thing is... The what? The Gollum issue. The Gollum issue? Say you're like, Jackson, fattest Jaxio. Yeah, fattest Jaxio. Work out, eat healthy. Yeah. And they never see me again. And then one day you're looking at the news and it's like, fattest Jaxio worked himself to death. Why? Because

you've just given me instruction. You've not said work out until you're healthy. You've said work out. I'm going to have a heart attack. How do Jedi mind tricks work, Jackson? Have you noticed that it's power of suggestion, you fucking idiot? It's not like I can... By us doing that, you're just going to...

You are going to work out, but you're still going to stop. It's not like... What's going to stop me stopping straight away, then? What's going to stop me getting in the treadmill being like... Because you're still you. The point of a Jedi mind trick is that you don't know you've been Jedi mind tricked. So you just all of a sudden have this whole... Does that mean I forget the moment you're like,

Yeah. Pretty much. So you were basically like, I'm down 100 credits, but hey, I feel like I want to eat less and work out more. Good for me. That's a good thing. You'd be more motivated to eat less and work out more. And also you'd be thinking that that change is coming from you,

not an outside force, and we all I don't know about you guys, but if you study any sort of sociology kind of stuff, it's change that you've discovered yourself and learned for yourself makes you want to change more. So really, it's the best way to make yourself a better you, Jackson.

Our best you, fattest Jaxio. Change your name, though. Thinnest Jack. Buffest Jaxio. Now you have to change your name though. Thinnest Jack. Buffest Jaxio. Oh no, it's just my name. Or just like Fattest with a PH though. Yeah. Because I've become so gangster.

Yeah. Muscles rippling. Well then why isn't the fucking world with the Council of Jada, why is everybody not these fucking Nietzsche's Uber mentions? They are. Have you fucking seen the Jedi Council? I guess the only person who's like in terrible shape is fucking

Watto. Yeah. And Jabba. But then my tricks don't work on Jabba or Watto. The fat ones are out of shape like that. Porkins. Ones are fucking but that's the Jedi dead button. Oh, that's true. Yeah, Jedii council like pre

battle of yavin mint shredded well no pre-order 66 yes battle of yavin and it gets the force back in it that's true back in the game so yeah um fuck you that's in my closing argument look so my two arguments against it were shat right down. Yeah, so in my closing arguments, as a way of being a better productive universe, I think employing the Jedi Council to just be a bit more of a one-on-one, almost personal trainer type thing, good choice. I still feel like Jedis have better things to do,

but I guess not. My biggest issue is still there's no air in space, and that's going to be an issue. There's air in space. Just Jedi mind trick yourself. Jedi mind trick space yeah there's air in you now and yeah there you go vacuums and air look the same anyway so hey done so i think uh uh star wars should come over freaky friday dusha can you top this i'm gonna give it a red hot go. Okay. So, Pokemon is my choice. Okay. Yeah. Strange.

Strange. It's something I've never really spoken about. But hey, I've been thinking about it a lot. Been playing the new games a lot. Yeah. Here we are. Because, alright. How old are you, do you think, when everything is just the fucking best time? Oh,

pre-puberty. Uh-huh. So somewhere between like 10 and 12? Yeah. So 10 and 12 where everything is just like fucking best time? Oh, pre-puberty. Uh-huh. So somewhere between like 10 and 12? Yeah, so 10 and 12 where everything is just like amazing and the best. Everything is the shit. You never have a bad day between 10 and 12. Because you're at the age where like things like adult-ish things are starting to become things. So like your parents might be fine with you watching like action movies

and that and you're just like, fuck. I was like 10 the first time I saw Die Hard and it changed my fucking life. Yeah. I think i was like 13 when i first saw taxi that's fucked up taxi or taxi driver taxi driver oh wait which one was the nero taxi driver taxi driver that's taxi and also taxi was a tv show in the 70s that had andy kaufman on it that would have just been confusing for you as a child so confused tax job i think i was like Taxi was a TV show in the 70s that had Andy Kaufman on it. That would have just been confusing for you as a child. So confusing. When I was a tax child, I think I was like 13.

That was a... It's a Robocop when I was like young. You can tell that that did not have an impact on my life. Not at all. Anyway, yeah, so 10 to 12, best fucking time. Do you want to make it a better fucking time? Giving you a sick fucking fire-breathing pet. That is true.

You know what? That would be fucking rad. That is the best. Yeah, so in the world of Pokemon, you turn 10, they're just like look, everything's pretty sick for you right now. How about we just make it sicker? I know, because you turn 10 now, have a dog.

Have a dog that when you look after it long enough will turn into a sicker bigger fucking dog that you can ride and shit. But yeah, now it's like in our world, have a dog and there's a responsibility, you've got to clean up after it, you've got to feed it,

this kind of stuff. All that bullshit. In the Pokemon universe, it's, you can't be bothered to take, just shove it in this ball, it's fine. Chuff it off into a computer.

Who cares? Pokemon don't poop, guys. And if they do, probably, I don't know, you never really see, I know, they don't,

they don't poop. I like that you're like, maybe, maybe, no, no, it's not happening. And also, a big problem when you're a kid is this lack't. I like that you're like, maybe, maybe. No, no. It's not happening. No digestive system.

And also, a big problem when you're a kid is this lack of choice. Like, you're like, I want to be grown up. I want a choice. And when you turn 10, you have a choice of several different Pokemon. Plus. Also, you can go full-blown adult mode from 10 if you want. Like, you can be like, I'm going to fucking take down all the gym leaders and fucking chuff off to the Elite Four

and fucking take those motherfuckers down too i know where my career path is i'm just gonna train up my pokemon and just that is my life i already know what i'm doing at 10 and i've got a sick ass companion with plus guys there's is there no danger whatsoever in the pokemon world like there's danger to pokemon but 10 year old you just chuffs around town everybody's got a good piece of advice to give you. That's very true. The criminal organizations are like, yeah, look, we're doing bad shit to Pokemon, but, you know, if you fight us and win, whatever.

We'll leave you alone. They're kind of wacky, really. Like, they're kind of more... And they don't fight you. They just... Pokemon fights the Pokemon. Yeah, they all seem pretty civil about it. Like, that one fucking guy fights you, loses, gives you the key to, like, the facility.

Like, every problem is solved with a Pokemon battle. Imagine, like, you're 10 years old, you're in the fucking playground, some kid's hassling your grapes, and you're like, let's duke it out. Get off my grapes, kid. There's no black eyes there. There's no missing teeth.

There's just a growl-a-thin-a-war-tortle butting fucking heads. And if you win fucking, you beat a kid, they give you like 50 cents and you're like sick and they're gonna be like yep

I'll stop hassling you grapes pay 50 cents done come back next time and hey we'll have another fight it'll be a good time and also like you know

when you're fighting you're kind of broing out with each other you're building up relationships because you're like Growlithe use whatever on that war turtle

and he's like good move buddy that was really clever not a good move but I'm gonna use this to this and then he's like oh you kicked my ass and I'm like you shouldn't use a fire and he's like good move buddy that was really clever not a good move but I'm going to use this to this and then he's like oh you kicked my ass

and I'm like you shouldn't use a fire pokemon he's like thank you for that advice become better he's just walking around learning shit having a rad pet

getting more new rad pets and not even just to sort of like yeah yeah the whole companionship with this rad pet because there's that level of

consciousness there that they can you know communicate somewhat with us even though they're sort of just saying your name over and over again yeah that they can understand us so there's also free health care in the world yeah so this is this level of intelligent pet it's like having a monkey but no it's like having it what's a smart animal guys a great parent a horse it's like having smart, intelligent horse that can sometimes fly.

Yeah, no, that's a good point. That sounds like the best line. Oh, my God, I want that. Because, like, imagine you have, like, a pony. Yeah. Like a little pony. You can't ride it, but it's, like, a good size. You can give it pats and shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can watch TV with it. You can cuddle up to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it can bite shit. Like, when you fight, like, it can maybe shoot, like, a little beam or something and maybe bite shit. You can cuddle up to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It can bite shit. When you fight, it can maybe shoot a little beam or something and maybe bite shit. Yeah. It levels up a bit.

Turns into a fucking horse. It can fucking fly. You just sit on it. Chuff off into the stars. And you've already been bonding for the last several years or whatever long it takes. So you're kind of already best buds. And now you're like, you're also a flying horse. This is the best.

Let's go to space. Best friends go into space on a fucking horse. I also just kind of can't get over how nice everyone is in the pokemon universe you go up to that guy and you're like hey how much is a bike and he's like oh it's a million dollars yeah and you're like whoa and he's like no just kidding have it for free you're like sick okay he's like yeah that is the best yeah just people giving you keys to entire buildings just like hey you beat me in a battle have this you go to like a gym and there's that guy at the front you're like hey i'm gonna go to this gym he's like here's some advice buddy you're like thanks man plus you never really

and also because you can keep collecting all these different types of animals and companions you're never really alone you can just have a sick pokemon party. And then you make so much money fucking fighting your Pokemon that you just retire pretty young. Probably age 13. Age 13. Just as puberty kicks in, then you spend the next like six years trying to bang babes. Yeah.

It's like, if you want, you can become a Pokemon breeder. You can fucking open a store, sell free bikes. Clearly it's not an issue. Clearly everyone's doing okay. Easy. The best universe. Pokemon's a pretty rad fucking time. Pokemon is so solid. Huh. Alright.

I think Jackson is the clear loser. Yeah, I failed here. Mine is fraught with difficulty. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, hey guys, well done. We all picked fucking great times. We all picked pretty good times, but I think the clear winner here,

I don't want to say, I don't want to lose this one, but no, Pokemon seems like a fucking rad time. Who knew? Doucher on top. That never happens. Just kidding, it happens all the time. Smug son of a bitch. Kind of wrecked it.

Hey, I went out of this episode being like, hey, we're all winners. But then you were like, no, you're the winner. And I'm like, yeah, you know what? You're right. I am the winner. I am. Well, you know, like Jedi, that's cool. Like, I mean, that's great for an individual, as in for individual society wise.

Jackson's is good for the individual person. Yeah. Mine's good for fucking everyone. Yours is good for everybody. Everybody wins. I thought about this long everyone. Yours is good for everybody. Everybody wins. I thought about this long and hard. In a Pokemon world. I want to ride a fucking flying horse

who's my best friend. I want to cuddle a Charmander. No, I don't. He's hot. No, but on like a cold day, he'd be like a little hot water bottle. Also, Ponyta and Rapidash are flaming horses that,

if they like you, their flames don't burn you. And also the Pokemon world, think about the energy crisis. There's just a Pikachu just zapping shit. Whatever. War, we just solve it with Pokemon. And no Pokemon ever dies. They just faint.

There's no stakes in a Pokemon fight. That's amazing. Yeah, I think any problem that our world faces with those Pokemon, they're just non-existent anymore. All arguments are solved with Pokemon battles. It's just basically just a more intense rock, paper, scissors. Would presidential elections be solved by Pokemon battles? It would.

It'd be fucking Obama v. Romney. Yeah. Romney would have, like, nose pass. Obama would have sick Pokemon. I feel like Obama would have, like... Like a sand slash or something sand slash and like an electabuzz yeah

how entertaining would the election be like you turn it on now you're like oh my god any political debate any sort of argument any sort of public any sort of policy

being introduced like should we do this I don't know let's fight it out well clearly we're doing this now yeah't know let's fight it out well clearly we're doing this now yeah and you know like that's not the right decision who cares we'll just have another fucking battle and sort it out later oh the problem is that could be just you know because there's always going to be one like one guy's like refuses to lose and like even though he's pokemon lost he's going to be none i want to bring up that that argument

again and have another fight that's why they invented the move hyperbeam, guys. Just fucking hyperbeam everyone. So I'm guessing there needs to be a stipulation to be like, look, you've argued this point maybe three times now. You're lost. Except. Move on. That does harken back, let's talk about democracy and does sort of harken back to sort of gladiatorial times where it's like, prove your innocence

with a battle. Yeah, but nobody's dying. And it doesn't matter, we've already decided I've won, so this has been a sick episode. And it doesn't matter. We've already decided I've won. So this has been a sick episode. Thanks for listening, guys. I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel.

Have a sick one, guys. Yeah, have a sick one. Have a sick one. Fucking magical ponies in space. The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding in all of the directions it can whiz. As fast as it can go The speed of light you know Twelve million miles a minute

And that's the fastest speed there is So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure How amazingly unlikely is your birth And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space Cos there's bugger all down here on Earth. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website,