Plumbing the Death Star - What is the Consequence of Sapient Animals? (Ft. Sonia Di Iorio)

Episode Date: April 7, 2019

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Sandspans Radio, lick that toad. Adam Cannavale and Cass Page will be joined by The Mischievous, Tom Walker, and Demi Lardner. If you want to see any or all of these shows, then head to the Melbourne International Comedy Festival website or our own website, sandspantsradio.com forward slash live, and grab your tickets today. Hey everybody, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, what is the consequence of sapient animals not sentient we learned our lesson sentient a clam is sentient a human being is sapient So you know those movies or cartoons Where like a dog is just as sapient Oh my god I nearly screwed up We didn't learn a lesson anyway

It's like a human being Like a homeward bound Or like an air bud Or like a Dr. Dolittle Or like Milo and Otis Milo and Otis Bloody Any of those movies

What is the consequence of that in a society okay i'm just gonna hijack this straight away all right it's like one of the like the favorite thing i learned about history not recently just something that i've known for like a few years are that we used to put animals on trials for things and i loved it we used to put like it was like a pig that killed a baby and they killed its babies or some shit. Yeah, yeah. We hung some chimps. We put like rats on trial for stealing rice. Fuck, I love history so much. There's one of my favorite.

Colin Firth's in a film about it. Anyway. So yes, animal trials. Yeah. Bringing them back, baby. That's crazy. It's like we already kill animals. What more?

How much more can we punish them? We're just killing animals. Now we have a reason yeah yeah wait a second now we know they deserve it because they know i was gonna say that a consequence of that would be that um people would be less likely to kill yeah animals and eat them but maybe they would be more likely because they're like oh that pig's a cunt well yeah because like if you think about it now like yeah the problem here is when say a person does something, because if you think about it now, like a... Well, the problem here is when, say, a person does something wrong

and if, you know, we find them guilty, we incarcerate them or depending where you live, you might send them to death. Pig prison. We're going to have pig prisons or we're going to, like, electrify or, like, lethal inject a pig.

But then we're not eating said pig because we don't eat the guilty. Would you, though, in a society... Unless we then start eating the guilty. Yeah, well, let's explore. Would you, though, in a society... Unless we then start eating the guilty. Yeah, well, let's explore this awesome reality. Would you in a society... Ah, we're eating people again. Are you saying we don't eat the guilty because they're people?

Yeah, like, that's the thing. We just don't eat people that we've found guilty. But now we might. But people aren't bacon. Yeah. That's true. Would you eat a pig that you knew was a murderer? Oh.

You're a vegetarian, Zama. So this is an even funnier question for you. I'm also a vegetarian. Oh't you eat a pig that you knew was a murderer? You're a vegetarian, Zama. So this is an even funnier question for you. I'm also a vegetarian. Oh, you're fantastic. But if the pig was a murderer. That pig's done a crime and is fully sapient enough to murder of its own children. That's a thing pigs do sometimes. Oh, but then if it's something that they already do within their society,

if that is a cultural practice of pigs... If culturally someone killed their children, we'd still send them to jail. Not if they didn't live here. That's true. But pigs do live here. Isn't it kind of like when people, like Inuits, they're like, you're old, get on that ice, bye. Yeah, that's true.

Or they're doing it for kids. Too young, fuck off. Get on the ice, Flo. See you, you're old. Get on that ice. Bye. They're doing it for kids. Too young. Fuck off. Get on the ice floe. See you. You're out to sea. You know the thing where you get too old to put you on an ice floe? Do now. I've seen that happen in Elf, but I think that was different. They weren't sending Elf off to die.

Maybe they were. Maybe you got too big. I feel that if they're killing their own children That might be in pig society A-OK and then we What human laws should we be prescribing To the humble pig No because we can't really be like

Oh because Yes It doesn't benefit pig society to eat your babies No but just every single part of the way Humans and animals interact are we gonna start policing birds yes we're gonna start being like they're gonna be pigeons wait wait there's more there's more of them than there are of us what if they start policing us that's the thing we can't catch a pigeon it flies people are already so hesitant to give

money and food to people on the streets who are begging. Yeah. That's all birds do in the city. Yeah, but birds just need worms and trash. They don't need money. Oh, you only need water and bread. Shut up. They need chippies too. That's true. Chips is cheap.

We can feed the pigeons chips. Chips is cheap. Why are we? They'll just steal. Well, that's fine then. Oh, we can incarcerate them. We incarcerate the pigeons for stealing our chips and we eat them. But I feel like if the animals could talk to us,

we, I don't know, would have a better connection with them. Would we still have pets, do you think? No. We might. If they chose to be with us, if animals gained sapience overnight, you could talk to your pet and be like, do you still want to be here? Imagine the amount of dogs in therapy. Oh, yeah. No, I hate you.

Bye. You suck. It's weird that we would develop a new kind of relationship where you would have your partner and your Livian best friend, because that's what we already are dealing with. Yeah, they wouldn't be your pets anymore. They'd be your roommates. Yeah, exactly. But then you, like, pay rent and the dog would be like, how am I meant to get a job?

Dogs can't do the dishes. Man, get out of my house, dog. Not contributing to the household. It would just be so strange to, because animals have such a, sort of, the way we have set up the world, animals can't live in it as contributing members of society to the extent of the capacity that their minds would want them to. So we would invariably,

and just because I think this is what we would do, start counting them as second-class citizens in a way where they know. Right now, they don't know. They don't know they're second-class citizens. They think nothing of it because that's not how it works Well an added bonus Is that the human race

Bands together Now we have something very much other That we don't like Goodbye racism, time to fight dogs That's what the posters that I stick up Around classrooms say Classrooms I'm putting propaganda in weird places

this is alright that's why you need propaganda in classrooms absolutely start them young goodbye racism fight your dog because I was going to say

like perhaps it would be like more vegetarian or veganism that kind of stuff would kind of like start taking kind of you know

a bit more in the forefront to be like well look they don't want to be eaten they're saying it right to your face once you've heard a dairy cow speak yeah I don't think you're going to want to. Yeah.

I'd still eat criminal dairy cows and milk them, I guess. There might be some kind of new laws. And this is going to be a lot of big problems. So, it's either going to go one of two ways. Either the kind of, like, maybe we're living in harmony where it's, like, you know, humans and animals. And we're going to have that kind of, like, kind of back and animals. And we're going to have that kind of like kind of back and forth. And we're going to have they have rights as well. And then maybe because a lot of animals and humans like to eat meat, we might be eating the guilty.

I'm so into it. I forgot animals eat other animals. Yeah. What do you do now when a cat eats a mouse? What do you do when a snake eats a rat? You send a cat to jail And you give the mouse's family a gift basket And you say I'm sorry for your loss

You give them the biggest slice of cheese you can find Do you know what? We have been farming and domesticating animals for so long That as soon as they gain sapience Of course you would be like I can't own you anymore So many species would die out. Yeah, that's true.

Goodbye, cows. Bye, cows. Goodbye, chickens. Absolutely. Goodbye, dogs. We look after dogs. Dogs, I mean, you get street dogs, I guess, but still. Cats, doing okay.

Everyone in the animal industry is like people who have puppy farms and farmers, any sort of farm. I guess I'm specifically talking about farms. Livelihood gone. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Perhaps not, because then you could strike a deal with the cow, say, for example, if you're a dairy farmer and be like, well, we're going to milk you. And the cow is like, cool, this is a good deal here. You milk me for this and hopefully I'll get, you know.

And then you could be like, hey, how do you want to be milked? Yeah. Are you okay to be milked this morning? And the cow could be like, yes. Because everyone's like, oh, that's really fucked up for animals. That's really fucked up for animals. Well, how do we know? Yeah.

Cows, like a dairy cow, if you don't milk it. They just have this great book that I've been trying to track down. So, if anybody listening knows where it was. Anyway, it was, this guy just got his friends to ask him the dumbest questions that they could. And then he went and he spoke to people who were experts and he found out. And one of his friends was like,

if you don't milk a cow, will it explode? And he went and asked someone who was very mad at him and they were like, no, but it will get very irritated. So you do have to milk a cow. Yeah. You have to. Otherwise the cow gets sick And it gets infected So someone's got to get in there and milk the cow

But we made it that way We made it so that has to happen So they might be like No, I don't want a human milking me You did this Get an ape Then we get an ape Import raccoons from America to milk our cow

I think I'm just going to bring it up. We're all thinking bestiality. Yes! Oh, man! No! It's okay now. No, it's not. I wasn't.

No, it's not. It is okay now. We don't know. We don't know. Half of this podcast wasn't thinking it. And I feel like I've watched too many documentaries about towns in Colombia where young men are encouraged to fuck donkeys. And it is very acceptable in these towns.

There is more than one documentary about this? Yes. Yes. It's insane. It's, I don't, I was going to say cultural. It feels weird to say it's a cultural thing, but it's like some of these places they're like so super catholic so it's like you shouldn't have sex before you

get married but they encourage yeah and they say it makes your penis bigger so and it makes you more learn how to want can you imagine if there if there is a God? Wait, wait, wait. Do we know that fucking a donkey doesn't get used to it? I mean, how do we know? But imagine a God who's like. I think you need to try it for yourself to find out. But in this brand new world. In this brand new world, the donkey can be like, hey, I don't mind.

Or this is fucked. Stop fucking us. Please do. Your dick will get bigger. You will learn how to pleasure a woman by fucking me. I promise. Wink. But if your dog now was like, hey, I'm interested in a long-term relationship.

I hate this. That's just something you got. That's a possibility. No, it's not. And if you say no, that's- Yes, because bestiality, essentially, it's wrong. Because the animal's not soapy. Absolutely.

Look, that's one of the reasons. Okay, yes, yes, yes. One of the many reasons. I don't know if there's any others, really. Why are you attracted to an animal like that? Because the world's changed. We live in a brand new society. Dude, Cass, watch this doco.

It's an option now. A man had fucked over 100 donkeys. That's too many donkeys. Where was his wife? I'd cap it at 90. Look, I hate to say this, Jack. Yeah. Yeah, you could now marry your dog.

You could now marry your dog. That fucking rules. It's fine. The world's so much more exciting now. Fuck a crocodile. Well, look, you know, anyone here a fan of, like, say, sci-fi, right? Sure. And there's, like, a lot of Star Trek, whatever, where, you know, Captain Kirk bangs some green alien.

Is that any different than banging a talking dog? No, it's just not. I mean, it's more exciting, because I know what a dog looks like. I know what's going on there a green alien oh who knows that's a fucking adventure a dog you know a different kind of adventure okay i know what a dog's genitals look like let's not pretend we're all adults yeah gross the answer is gross it's not ideal i was picking an animal, you know, partner. I probably wouldn't pick a dog. No. What would you pick? I don't know.

I'd see what animal came to me. Like if a pigeon landed on my shoulder and was like, hey, man, you're pretty attractive. God, fuck a pigeon. Why not? It's like small enough to put up all inside you. I would be gentle with a pigeon. We'd work it out. Anyway, this is just a reality we've got to accept.

If we're going to explore the fact that animals all have sapiens now, this is a consequence. Yes, we're here. And even better, animals can fuck other different animals now. That's true. A donkey and a fucking pigeon. Pigeon, if they want to make love, I'm not standing in their way. Well, I think that happens.

Yeah, but now it's strange. We don't know who's in charge. Otherwise, you're like, there's a donkey and a pigeon that live next door. I don't know. Is it like the... Oh, no. My brain is not working.

What's it called when you're on top of the food chain? Oh, yeah. And then people can be on top of the sex chain? Oh, no. Is there a sex pyramid yes no like a food pyramid so I'm thinking

well there would be because it would be based on things that are easier to have sex with to you know harder to have sex with or

would it be like blood types fish would be really hard yeah no I don't know can a fish talk it's real weird to be imagining

like sitting at a park bench near a lake and a fish pops its head out and is like, hey, you want to fuck? It would be hard to have sex with it. People would fuck dolphins. Yeah, dolphins.

Easy to fuck. Yeah, look, everyone is unhappy where this episode is going. I'm sorry, listeners. Not me. Me and Cass are very upset right now. My face hurts from frowning. I have nothing to do with this. You opened the door and I stepped right through.

I don't remember that. You're like, hey, here's a door. And Jack just went, this door. Hey, when something's going on inside me, I have to let it out. Something that disturbing. I have to bring you all into the world. That's an exciting idea to explore. Yes.

So, look, if a fox is like, hey I really like you let's bang. There's nothing morally wrong with this, I guess. Hell yeah. You can bang said fox. Yeah, I'm not saying I would but it's an option now and that's nice to know. If you give everything, say Beuns you give them the same rights decisions

as everyone else. Does that mean animals are going to start making their own porn? Yes. Yes, it does. For other animals to get off to. Yeah. It's going to be weird, though.

If you're a cricket, could you get off to, say, I don't know, a chimp and a raccoon? Where's a cricket getting an internet connection? Oh, my God. Bugs, too. Bugs, too. Absolutely. Every fly, every mosquito Ants will kill us

Ants will kill us Ants will kill us Why are the ants attacking us? We're leaving out sweet sugar for them Oh no, we'd have to start doing that forever We'd have to start offering them sexual favours I don't know how to pleasure an ant.

Please no. I'd just be like, please lie on your back, and I guess I'll lick up the ants. I'd just put my mouth over an ant hill and start tonguing it and hope they're getting off. Jackson, stop! I'd eat more ants than I'd pleasure. We're sorry, ant population.

Unless they kind of swarm together in some kind of humanoid or I guess a massive shape that might be pleasure. Surely you just have to pleasure the queen, right? Yeah. The other ants don't even know what's happening. They're barely sentient. Oh, yeah. Well, actually, they're barely sentient.

No, you've given all of the ants sapience. We've ruined ants. Let's not include ants. Every other animal gets sapiens except for ants. Mosquitoes, you're still killing them? Ants are being spiders. Shall we cut it off at bugs? Oh, I know what I would have sex with.

All right. It's so obvious. Yeah. A snake. Oh, yeah, for sure. Why? I'm keen. I just want to know your reasoning.

Why? Because I would... They do have two penises, which is pretty cool. Yeah. One may be fake. I don't know. Are you having sex with the penis of the snake or the body of the snake? Hmm.

Well, I mean, you use the whole snake. Yeah. Use every part of the buffalo, maybe. I mean, when you're having sex with a human you're not like no only certain parts good point that's true let me just interrupt for a quick word from our sponsors also a reminder to everybody listening that this saturday i'm going to be hosting big deal a grody game show at the coopers inn and if you want to see that shit you better head to our website sanspantsradio.com forward slash live and grab your tickets today also if you want to

bear witness to something truly wondrous then head to audiobooksontape.com and grab yourself a usb cassette of bigsofttd.png's very first year as a podcast once again that's audiobooksontape.com would you go an anaconda or like a little snake anaconda little snake i think i like i'm just thinking i'd like one to like ride around my whole body you know and if it's. A little snake. I'm just thinking I'd want to ride around my whole body. And if it's a little snake... You fucking size queen. You want a bit of weight. Yeah.

I want to be kind of squished by it as I'm fucking the shit out of it. You already get people who sleep in their beds with their anacondas. It's just one more step. Do we? Do we get that? Yeah, you do. Every time you hear about someone that was killed you know those

normal people that own pet anacondas every time you hear about someone that was killed by their pet anacondas because they started sleeping in the same bed

as it look it up anyway a problem aside from all the awesome fucking that's going to be going on a problem we're going

to have to deal with is the fact that we will no longer be at the top of the food chain we just won't currently we exist at the top of the food chain because every animal is not as clever as we are no other animal know how to use a gun now all animals do but not all can hold it yeah they can't all hold it luckily i don't think a shark could hold a gun otherwise we'd be fucked just beaching out of the water and shooting a boat and then going underneath again.

Already can kill us. Now they've just got fire. Now they're packing. That'll be the new war. The new war will start with people giving weapons to animals that they can use. Well, let's think about the animals that can use a weapon. Monkeys.

Monkey, raccoon, kangaroo probably. Yeah. What else is opposable? I feel like there's already stories about, like, dogs in the US killing their owners. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Because they've, like, accidentally.

Oh, like, shot a gun off? Yeah, they've accidentally shot their owners and stuff. Yeah, you're right. I think a dog could figure it out. Snake, speaking of snakes, could probably figure it out too. Can't aim very well. No, you get another snake to help you. It's a team effort.

They know about teamwork now. Also, don't really need weapons because they're so fucking poisonous. It's very scary to imagine coming into your lounge room and there's a snake just writhing around a handgun. At least you can, like, bargain with it. Like, now you don't want to do it. It's like, please don't poison me. Well, would we?

Oh, no, you could check if it's poisonous. Are you one of those bad ones? Can I see your belly? I forget the rules. Let me bite you, then you can find out. Well, would we become a lot more segregated? Like, with the animals? No, with everybody.

Like, we're all now band together. Like, I said at the top of the episode that, like, yes, we would then sort of, like, humans might band together because we're like, oh, yes, we have a... Racism, dead, kill your dog. Racism, dead, kill your dog. But then would it be, like, then sort of like humans might band together because we're like, oh, yes, we have a- Racism, dead, kill your dog. Racism, dead, kill your dog. But then would it be like other forms of racism? Like, you know, chimps all band together to hate deer.

Oh, yeah, shit. Oh, no, they know racism now. I don't think it would be like that. I think it would be like herbivores, carnivores. No, no, no, no. So wild animals v. domesticated animals v. zoo animals v. farm animals because they've all lived different levels of privilege. Well, they have, yeah.

But also, you think about, like, carnivores. Because, like, look, say, for example, say humans. Yeah. We can, if we wanted to, sustain ourselves on just, you know, non-meat. Yeah, sure. That's fine. A snake can't. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

There are animals that just cannot not eat meat. Okay, so here's something we've got to sort out, though. Do the animals still have animal instincts? Is the rat still like, well, I've got to get eaten by a snake. That's life. You know what I mean? Yeah, because we have that. Yeah, absolutely.

So when a mouse eats its babies, the mouse is not like, this is a tragedy. The mouse is like, got to eat something. I don't know why mice eat babies. They do, though. They certainly do. Or like when the dad's just evil no but but like what zamit's saying we can make the choice to become vegetarian if mice learn about because they get they don't just get sapience and sort of deal with it they get sapience and then they can

understand history yeah true so they're like oh okay well i suppose there might be other ways so i can look at nutritionally so I can sustain myself not doing that. I can now make a living. Oh, no, science. We can't kill mice anymore. Oh, yeah, no, true. Oh, my God. We get a lot of apologising to do to mice.

We show them the monument. They're like, you think this is enough? The mice have squeaky voices. That's great. Yeah, I think there might be a segregation thing where it's like meat eaters. It's going to be indentured servants. It's just going to be terrible things because it's going to be like

the carnivores are going to try and get the herbivores. We're going to farm them, but not for their delicious flesh. Yeah, as a deer, you might be like, well, I'll get eaten by the wolves, or the wolves don't eat my family. But is it our job as people who have been sapient longer, or as human beings, to try and orchestrate a comfortable society for these animals? Or do we just let it run wild and we retreat to a corner

and fuck our snake husbands? I reckon it's run wild. See what happens. I reckon the animals come to us because in my mind the animals, they gain sapience but they have all their memories and they can now articulate them. Why do you think we're at the top of the food chain here? Why do you think we're the ones in charge?

We might be the dickheads getting eaten and farmed. Yeah. I like that you're just assuming humans are on top. We don't know. No, we got fingers. Yeah, we're out of chimps Look at our thumbs There's like six chimps No, but what I reckon will happen is

Everyone will gain sapience It'll go insane for a bit Hopefully, some animals will come to us and be like You need to figure this out Or we rise up And they're like, you need to use your science You need to make sure you've got a deer in every lab I think they'd rise up and they're like you need to use your science you need to make sure you've got a deer in every lab i think they'd rise up oh yeah yeah yeah but they do that first yeah if they're smart

in an instant because like dogs are living a pretty comfortable life comparative to a lot of other animals so i think dogs will be on our side in the coming war. I'm tearing down my propaganda posters. Kill wild dogs. I'll just write over the top. Do you reckon they'd have, like, different ideas about politics, etc.? Absolutely. Like a real conservative dog. You're a dog! It doesn't affect you!

Capitalism's dead! No, no, the dog's like, oh, you know, you have an alpha. Where's the alpha? That's true. Who's the alpha? where's the alpha oh yeah that's true who's the alpha who's the alpha it doesn't really work like that in our society i don't understand we've actually talked about this previously about um it was in relation to dungeons and dragons but giving a dog sentience but a dog getting sentience and then automatically being like gotta pray gotta find the alpha gotta find the alpha god gotta find the alpha. God. Every dog becomes very religious.

They get super devout. They're like, dog backwards is God. Yeah, it's real easy. Think about it. Dogs are God's chosen people. I fetch for the Lord. This is a startling turn of events. But also, religion.

You've now brought that up. That's something we've got to deal with. Oh, they'd invent real cool ones. That's true. God is a dog. God is a fish. How we have sort of, because like you say, the Egyptians, they have humans with dog heads, et cetera.

Would they have dogs with human heads? I've always thought God was a lizard, personally. Makes the most sense. They get converts. Like you, you'd be like, hey, lizard God sounds pretty much what I've been following my whole life. Makes sense to me. I don't know.

Find a hot rock. Who do you think is a lizard Jesus? He says a thing or two about a thing or two. So there are currently, what, like 8 billion human beings on the planet, right? Something like that. That's numbers gone up since I last heard. That's amazing.

Oh, it's far too many. What are we doing? But there are way more of various animal species. So if going on sheer numbers alone, we would eventually become a minority on the planet. So which animal would you side with? Ants. Dogs. Cats.

Because some animal groups are just to just be in charge now an animal will eat the queen and then all of a sudden oh that's right Britain is ruled by owls cats because they seem to stand for a life of beauty cats you're going to fucking die in a second oh no no no people will

be destroyed no it'll be like the what's it called we're too aesthetically nice we're not getting involved in anything we're just being very beautiful yeah i think i'd also side with the dogs yeah dogs it seemed like there's a lot enough of them and they're like savvy to the world a bit more than a lot of other animals i can't climb as well as say cats maybe i choose rats instead yeah maybe heaps of rats all over the country. Actually, rats is pretty good. A lot of rats.

Might join the rats, you know? Do what the rats need me to do. Whatever. But would it be rats and say cats or dogs? Would it be like felines, rodents? I don't know. Lupines? What does a rat think of like a hamster?

Are they chill? Stubby fuck. Surely a rat thinks it's better than a hamster. I think a rat's better than a hamster. Yeah, but a ham a rat thinks it's better than a hamster. I think a rat's better than a hamster. Yeah, but a hamster might think it's better than a rat. Well, it's just not. Pointy fucks. I just think there are so many rats.

Or like mice. Isn't it like at every time, even right now, we are like a meter or two away from a mouse. So that means there are mice. Is that only specific to this house though? It is Yeah, we have a pretty big rat problem We can't buy them and release them

Woo, it's your house now, buddy Would you go with rats just because they're around? Yeah, basically And when the rats are like, hey Jackson, can you bring us cheese and meat? I'd be like, yeah, okay, just don't kill me when you rise up I think I'd immediately become a slave to the rats. Well, the thing is, rats, there's a lot of them they could easily kind of like, you know,

they could try to rise up. But killing a rat, easy. Killing a dog, hard. Killing a puma, hard. Side with the puma. That's why I'm just trying to think, big cats or cats in general, I might side with just because who would win?

Who would win? Who's going to be the top of the food chain here? Who's going to win the animal war? I think, again, I think because you're thinking about fighting and wars and things like that, but they have sapiens. Yeah. That's not all they're going to do. There's limited resources.

You're not thinking about meat. Meat's a resource now. You've got to eat each other to survive. I reckon cats will start ruling anything social related. Like social media, they'll become really big in the arts. They already are ruling social media. Exactly, exactly. So when they gain sentience,

I will help the cats set up their Instagram accounts. I will become like the person who posts on behalf of the cats who do not have the facilities. I'll do that for the cats. They've just got to keep me safe. See, you've got to keep safe. Something's going to go down. It's going to be such a tense world for a bit.

It's a big melting pot. Something's going to set it off. I just feel like something's got to kick off. All the animals in the zoo die, yeah? Well, no. Why not? Well, why would they? Because they're in cages.

You'll see it. How long are they going to die for? Hey, I'm a zookeeper. The lion comes to life. He's like, Jackson, let me out. I'm like, fuck no. Lock him up in a cage. I'm like, starve to death, idiot. And then I go. But there's going to be people who are like, well, arguing. I'll kill them.

They have rights, so we need to set them free. Yeah, you'll be fine if you just say, promise not to eat me. Okay, well, when we're eaten to death by a lion. What, you don't trust a lion? I don't. Who's been locked up for its entire life by humans? Hey, lion, you hold a grudge?

And put on display? No. Yes, he does. No, just let me out. I'll be good. The dolphin lives a sad life because the dolphin, it's far away from this. Anything in an aquarium anything at sea world

yeah that's that's awful you can't release those animals i'm not doing it are you doing it no yeah but i would fight for their right to be freed yeah i guess put them in the ocean the nicest animals for us to deal with are fish right now yeah i i wish that in return for sapiens that animals get, I get gills and can live in the ocean. I'd like to lose sapiens. I was thinking, like, in terms of how we look at cat videos online and be like, how interesting, would animals be like, ah, the human doing something stupid?

I would maybe try to orchestrate that. Look at this human getting smacked in the mouth by a chimp. Become a jester for the animal kingdom. Yeah, they'd probably be way smarter than us. So much. I'm stupid as is. They have to. Like, we can pretty much get by with our soft bodies.

Animals need street smarts or they die. Survival of the fittest is so applicable to animals. Yeah. I'm kowtowing to maybe a cow. Look, whatever is in charge. smarts or they die. Survival of the fittest is so applicable to animals. Cowtowing to maybe a cow. Look, whatever is in charge... Would they have houses? Would they take our houses? Yes. I think realistically... That lion's gonna be

okay, you can let me out, but I get to live at your house and you have to pay my rent. Fine, just donate me. Why are they still paying rent? Okay. Landlord's like, you owe us money. Lying, lying. Of course.

Here's my $400 a week. Give it to us. I think eventually human beings would just become... Would taxes go? Yeah, we get to tax the fucking pigeons? No. So there isn't two continents. It's just death.

That's true. No, do you reckon we'd have to start giving everyone jobs? Yeah, probably. Why? I think it would no longer be our responsibility. What I think would happen is the animals, there are so many more animals than us, that we would just fall in and be one of thousands of different species.

We're no longer the top. I think this would go back in and be one of thousands of different species i i used to we're no longer the top i think this would go back to again a lot of segregation a lot of just like tribes and it's just going to be initially perhaps going to be like groups of say you know um humans groups of dogs groups of cats whatever and they're going to form some alliances and then hey maybe we're just back here again in maybe 2 000 years yeah yeah yeah because we're going to be like hey dog come here and they're going to be like i'll protect you if you give me food and then we're going to be like this happened before this is neat you don't know this dog but yeah this is kind of how you got into the situation you got in 2 000 years ago and

the dog's going to be like don't give me a fucking history fucking bone you know how you can't breed properly because of your mouth? Oh yeah, all those dogs that we fucked up. A lot of domesticated dogs will die out. I think purebred pugs when they're born need surgery immediately so they can breathe. Bulldogs, I want to say, can't have cesareans.

Oh, turkeys can't fuck. Oh, no. We lose a lot of animals, but we probably get more of others. That's true. We'd lose a lot of humans, too. I reckon they'd just start killing us day one. Because I think we've done the most damage to the animal kingdom. So, like, we are a very good villain for every animal species to band together against.

Man, it's not going to be racism is dead, kill your dog. It's racism is dead, kill the humans. Exactly. We get iced. That's why you've got to join with the rats. Puppy school is going to have all this propaganda up. I mean, we've seen this episode making, like, a lot of decisions about how things would work.

We would have no fucking say in that. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, yeah, zero. We'd be up to the dogs or the cats or the owls and pigeons and rats. They probably already sorted it out in their little animal talk. They're just waiting for that sapiens. They're ready for it now. And the sapiens hits and they plan A into action.

What if they get sapiens and everyone's like, everyone shut the fuck up. Don't say a thing. Maybe they already have sapiens. No! Because if you do, things are going to get... Let's just meet up. Let's just go for some meetups.

Imagine an apocalypse movie or TV show where it's like, people are just dying in their beds and we don't know why. Dogs are turning on their owners and we don't know why. The human population is dying out. Poachers are getting killed by clever lions in ways we didn't think was possible and then all of a sudden they're like yeah we've been sapien for the last 50 years you're fucked you're fucked we got rats eating the nukes to stop that happening we got fucking all of our power all of our the grid could go down get dolphins to smack that internet cable cable in the sea yeah animals could destroy us like that kill your dog now preemptively murder your pet who knew poachers were the real heroes

they've just been defending us this whole time like poachers we finally get a one-on-one with an interview they're like no those are the big ones. They'll kill us first-pastas. Have you seen a hippo? A hippo will fucking destroy you and your family. We're trying to help. We removed the tusks of an elephant so it doesn't have a weapon.

We saw them having little conclaves and meet-ups and discussions. What do you think the watering hole is for? That's every animal getting together and deciding how they'll end us. Elephants never forget and their history is entirely oral. Oh, yeah. What about, like, yeah, other places where it's just, like, because I'm thinking mostly Western society. Yeah.

Think about it. Have you ever seen those documentaries about, like, India and the amount of, like, monkeys and stuff that are just on the street? And the second could just turn, they're already stealing food. People riding the elephants and... Oh, yeah. Imagine waking up and just seeing an orangutan at the end of your bed with these gross long fingers coming towards your neck. No.

Whispering, this is our fault. Oh, they'd put us in cages. Oh, yeah. They would be riding us. Well, I guess I got a wonderful long future of sitting in my cage, jerking off for their entertainment. Would you rather be a farm animal, a domestic animal, or a zoo animal? A zoo animal.

Circus. That wasn't an option. I'll ride a tiny bicycle for the elephants. I'm bad at doing things. That doesn't want to work. Yeah. You're already lazy. No, that's true.

All right, domestic animal. I'll live at someone's house, curl up in a bed. You know, that's all right. I can deal with that. That seems like an all right life. Big pot belly. Yeah, lying on my back, getting patted by dogs. I guess.

Getting fed human kibble. None of these sound good. Maybe zoo is best. Zoo? I'm thinking zoo. Zoo, because they, I mean, if they run a zoo the same way as we do, they're trying to replicate our natural environment. That's true.

So it would be the safest. Exactly. It would be a couch, TV. Don't have to do anything. Yeah, you can go. But it's going to be the same book forever. You know the way they give a tire to some apes or whatever to play with? We're going to have one book, and they're going to be like,

no, they're bored. Okay, put a fucking hot dog in a big freezer block and they'll have a good time licking it out it's true we do treat animals terribly we treat animals atrociously and we just gotta hope that at no point do they ever see a problem with this and rise up and murder us the person who loses in the world where animals get sapiens is invariably us. And we deserve it. Oh, absolutely. A hundred percent. You come home to your dog.

Your dog looks up at you and says, I know everything. And you're just like, I'm sorry. I'd present my wrists for a rest. Your dog's like, do you really think I wanted to live in a fucking apartment? I guess I knew you didn't. But I liked patting you. Yeah, do you think this relationship's a little fucking one-sided, maybe? Yes.

Look, that's on me. He's joking. I figured. Well, now that we've converted everyone to vegetarianism, I think we did our job. Well, no, see, because I've got to eat as many animals as I can so that when they do rise up, well, there's not going to be as many. Or they're going to target me specifically. Yeah, your beautiful utopia of fucking every animal you can lay your eye on.

Yeah, this is the saddest part of all this. I feel maybe for an animal lying with a human, they're going to be like, no, that's disgusting. Not if I become an awesome animal concubine. And I give my body up to whatever animal wants to have a fucking go. Don't we have tickets on ourselves? Like, I'd fuck this animal. I'd fuck this animal.

As if we're in any of their leagues. Oh, my God. You reckon they'd be reverse furries? Dogs dressing up as human beings. That rules. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've been Cass.

I've been Sonia. And you have perhaps a show on, Sonia. Perhaps I do. At the Melbourne International Comedy Festival, my show is called Glory Box. It's a brand-new stand-up show, and I'm performing the whole run of the festival, except for Tuesdays, at the Cooper's Inn.

And you can check me out online, Sonia DiOrio, for all the details. Fantastic. Yes, Tuesday, the Lord's Day. Yes. Okay. That's Sunday. What? Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter

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but not forever kisses