Plumbing the Death Star - What is the Ultimate Cereal Mascot?

Episode Date: November 18, 2018

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Sans Pans Radio. Fuck you, Spider-Man! Hey everybody and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, What is the ultimate serial mascot? All right, so before we get into this, I have a question. Uh-huh. Are we doing this in the way that we are getting a cereal and then we have to make a mascot for that cereal, or are we inventing a mascot and kind of then going to make a cereal?

Are we working forwards or backwards? I want to say which was forwards. Okay. I reckon we work towards a mascot, so you've going to make a cereal. Are we working forwards or backwards? I want to say which was forwards. I reckon we work towards a mascot, so you've got to get the cereal first. Because we can't... It would be something like blueberry triangles. And then you're like, well, let's find a guy who represents blueberries.

Let's think of some cereals. We've got a couple of cereal ideas. Are we doing a healthy one or do we want something sugary for the kids? Well, I feel like healthy cereals just don't get mascots. Yeah, Special K just has women. Maybe now they should. Well, that's true.

Does it have to be a... Oh, it does have to be a cereal. I was thinking, can it be another food? No. The question is about cereal mascots. If I can make a cereal out of hot dogs, then we'll talk. Until then, we've got to choose a cereal mascot. How about this?

We'll pick three different types of cereal. One is a healthy cereal. A brain of some variety. Two would be, say, like a cereal but for men. Our special K is obviously advertised to women. We need like a man cereal. And three, let's try and flip cereal on its head. What kind of cereal can we make that you eat at night?

Okay, so a night cereal. Like a dinner cereal. Yeah. A dinner cereal or a dessert cereal? A dessert cereal. Because I am a fan of cereal for dessert. What about we just say a cereal for night? A night cereal.

It could be dinner or a dessert. Because you can have it for dessert. You can also have it at 3am. Yeah. It's not dinner. So health cereal. What's your favourite health? Excellent question. Everyone in

SansPantsRadio just shuts down. Any is good. I'm going gonna have to have high in fiber some kind of bran it's a bran it's a bran it's low sugar

let's not shit ourselves it's a bran low sugar maybe some good fruits maybe some like some super fruits or some like you know

super berries goji berry that's the one and a bit of bit of bit of fucking what do you fucking call it which one

come on hummus flame flame flame apples flame apples a fucking, what do you fucking call it? Which one? Come on. Flame. Flame. Flame apples. Flame apples? Cinnamon apple? Toffee apple? Hot apple?

Custard apple? It's got flame in the top. Flame apple. Like a burnt apple kind of situation Excuse me? I've had this cereal That's the worst part about this

Is I've had this cereal with flame apples in it But yes Alright so it's brand Koji Berry And flame apples It's got some kick to it The flame apples weren't hot Burnt apple? Like toasted apple? kick to it. The flame apples weren't hot. Burnt apple?

Like toasted apple? Maybe. Like stewed apple. Hang on, did you think like toasted apple was flame apple? Maybe, but that sounds reasonable, but I actually don't think that's the answer. I think it was a variety of apples. Anyway, there's flame apple. All right, we'll just call it Flame Apple for now because we don't know what Jack's talking about.

No, not at all. All right, so maybe a toasted... Hang on, we'll go Toasted Muesli, like a toasted bran, but also a toasted apple. So I'm thinking the flame could be some kind of anthropomorphized fire. Okay. Kids love fire. But we're not selling it to kids.

We are trying to sell it to kids, though. Yeah, we're trying to make healthy cereal fun. Oh, I didn't know that was the prerogative It's gotta be healthy cereal So it's like the kids want to eat it But it's also gotta appeal to the The mum and dads who are buying the cereal Like mum and dad are gonna be fine with buying you You know how mum's always kind of mad

That you have to buy coke Yeah and mum does not want you to have coke No But mum's like That's fine you can have some Flame apple Flame apple flakes Mum's like, that's fine, you can have some flame apples. Flame apple flakes.

Flame flakes. See, if we weren't appealing to kids, I would say that the perfect mascot for a healthy cereal is a largely featureless person in workout clothes. That is like the most typical healthy cereal. And then on the ad, they do various poses to show what part of the body is getting healthy from the cereal. It'll be them, and they'll maybe put their hands above their head and have one knee up like a stretching pose. And then there'll be a light on their stomach, and it'll be like, flame flakes are good for your gut.

So very minimalistic. Helps with your cold. Yeah. Okay, so like a minimalistic sort of fit figure I'm sort of imagining the Wii Fit trainer for some reason How about like a grape Alright But in some kind of like overalls or

Country grape Why do they have overalls? I meant gym workout gear Country grape Hot grape Does not make me think healthy It makes me think made by farmers. Organic.

I mean, I guess. It's a goji berry, right? Goji berry. But in overalls, chewing a bit of wheat. Would I buy that? It's like fresh from the farm. Fresh from the farm straight to your colon. That's the slogan.

That's flame flex. There's a lot of like, not ideological. What am I trying to say? This cereal doesn't know what it wants to be. No, well, let's sit down. Our marketing team is sitting down. We've got flame flakes. We've got flame flakes.

We're trying to make this healthy, musely fun for kids. Okay. Flame flakes is what we've titled it. What about a basketballer who has a fiery head? Like, hell. Okay. Flameflakes is what we've titled it. What about a basketballer who has a fiery head, like Hellboy? Oh, I like this idea. To Ghost Rider.

So, do you ever play NBA Jam? No. So when you got either three threes in a row or whatever, the ball basically went on fire. All right. I like this basketballer idea, but the ball is on fire.

Not the basketball. How about this? So we get a basketballer who's holding the bowl of flame flakes, and underneath it he's holding the basketball on fire and toasting it. Kind of like a Harlem Globetrotters-esque situation. He's spinning the basketball on fire. Yes. And then on top of that is the plate spinning.

What if he spins the- Or a bowl. I'd turn it cereal out of a plate. You shouldn't. It's going to go everywhere. It's not going to fill with milk. Can we have, in the ad, I'm sort of getting this image of a basketballer being like, and breathing fire onto the cereal. A dragon.

Well, to toast it, because it's toasted. All right, a dragon basketball. I like the idea of pouring in the milk and steam happening. Yeah. Well, see, because it's toasted bran, right? Yeah. So he toasts them with his fiery breath. This dragon basketballer.

Yeah, who's ripped. Yeah. He's so healthy. Maybe he's got like a dumbbell as well. Yeah, who's ripped. He's so healthy. Maybe he's got a dumbbell as well. Dumbbell in one hand, basketball in the other hand, cereal just floating. And Shaq in the background.

Shaq in the background endorsing the product. Flameflakes, the official cereal of Shaquille O'Neal. That's a slam dunk. It's dragon form. So is the dragon Shaquille O'Neal. That's a slam dunk. It's dragon form. So is the dragon Shaquille O'Neal? Shaquille O'Neal is a dragon.

All right, dragon voiced by Shaquille O'Neal. Yes. All right. And mo-capped by Shaquille O'Neal. Yeah, of course. It's actually cheaper to do that than animate. Shaquille O'Neal is already so dragon-like that this is just the simplest way we can do it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So how about this? We simply mocap him, and we've all seen that footage of Benedict Cumberbatch's Smaug being like a dragon. We'll get Shaq doing that. What if... It's just Shaq in a motion capture suit. It's like the whole ad is like, you guys are gonna make me a sick dragon, right? And we're like, yeah!

I was gonna say, cut costs even more. Yeah. Exactly. We animate nothing. Such a shack. Pretending to be a dragon. Yeah. Like basically a morph suit.

With dots. With dots. Then he holds the plate and he blows on it, but we don't animate any fire. Or it could almost be like Shaquille O'Neal in a mo-cam suit. And what if, like on the bits where we do, like on the bits where he has to breathe fire, we do like a picture in picture. Okay.

So he's like, and so I'm going to breathe really cool flames. And we're like, yeah. And it's like the big one is him just being like. And then in a tiny little corner, it's just like a little animated version of it but only for key parts of the ad perfect

could we even, to cut corners even more, is there such thing as a flame scene transition so we transition he goes we transition from that scene with a flame wipe to the same scene. Yep. We'll get the people that did the Hunger Games.

The people in charge of that real cheap fire animation. We'll get them onto it. Done. So he'll just be like... And then we'll just get this flame wipe. Yep. And the cereal is toasted now. I guess it was always toasted. It was always toasted. But maybe he'll put his hand in front of the cereal is toasted now yes it was always it was always

toasted but like maybe he'll put his hand in front of the cereal first yeah oh no what we'll do right he'll have some cereal that's not toasted and he'll do that yeah whatever and then we'll do like a quick flame wipe and then we'll have someone off screen just like him and while they take the for some reason we'll try and do it in one take. Instead of being like, we got the same change. No, no, no. It's evident that we did it in one take. What we can do is make it very obvious that in front of him, it's not Shaq's hand holding a bowl of cereal.

No, it's like a green hand. It's just like, we'll edit it out. And he's like, will anyone see that man? Not at all. It's going to get edited out. It's going to get edited out yeah all habits will have shack shack in a morph suit with dots yeah and then in front of him will be a smaller person which seems to find shack is huge there'll be another person regular sized in a full green morph suit holding two different cereals one toasted one between them

and that's what they'll do. Flame-o. No, flame flakes. Made with real flame apples. So I guess the big question is, does this appeal to children? I'd say yes. Every child loves Shaquille O'Neal. Because all we can do then is every time we say, hey Shaq, we'll just film you

playing basketball. And then what we can do is we every time we say, hey Shaq, we'll just film you playing basketball. And then what we can do is we'll CGI him into games of basketball. Say, maybe even some footage of Shaq playing against himself in a morph suit. Yeah, we keep the pretense that he's the Flame Flakes dragon. A hundred percent. Even though he doesn't look at all like a dragon. Like we'll animate it so he can fly. Yeah, good.

On a string. That would be so good because then you could do that thing where they sit on a dragon. Like we'll animate it so he can fly. Yeah, good. On a string. Oh, that would be so good because then you could do that thing where they like sit on a box. Yeah. Oh, that's true. And there's someone in a green morph suit just like flapping his cape around and stuff. It's like it's going to look sick, right? It's going to look so sick, Shaq. It's going to look so sick. The only thing we really have to worry about is if Shaquille gets litigious.

No, he knows from the start. Like litigious. No, he knows from this. Like, he knows. Oh, he knows. He's just having fun. But he's having fun. Because Shaq. He's a fun-loving guy. He signed a contract.

It's fine. Will this appeal to adults? Yes. It appeals to me. It appeals to millennials. Shit. If I saw Shaquille O'Neal advertising. I have board stuff because Shaquille O'Neal is on it.

Straight up Dressed in a morph suit with dots on it Pretending he's a dragon Can we have on the back like a maze And it'll be like Help the flame flakes dragon Get to the flame flakes in the centre But it's just Shaquille O'Neal

No no no Dragon Shaquille O'Neal's face So it's a little cartoon dragon body And then just a big superimposed Pic of Shaq We can get one person To make us one frame Of the Shaquille O'Neal

We can afford that And then we just CG Shaquille We spent all our money getting Shaq on board A fucking serial startup We invested in all these flame apples We don't know what they are on board. We're a fucking cereal startup. We invest in all these flame apples. We don't know what they are. I don't know if these are even real. These might just

be regular apples. I don't know enough about apples to refute any of this. Guess we're eating flame flies. I can imagine them tasting so stale. Yeah, me too. Fresh out of the box. These just taste like dried apples. It doesn't taste like a specific...

This is nothing special. I think it appeals to some. It'll sell. Initially. Children do love Shaquille O'Neal. They love basketball. Yeah, kids love that. It's just so weird to imagine the Coco Pops monkey,

the Toucan Sam, Frosty the Tiger Flakes, and then Shaq. Know your audience. It's the Special K health woman. Why is it next to us? Especially, the best part about it Is that the marketing campaign Around flame flakes Is so intense And so avant-garde

But then when you eat it It's just fucking brain I can just imagine The app now Brain with a bit of like You know when they dry Apples out And it's kind of chewy

Yeah That it's brain Some chewy apple And like A fistful of goji berries I just I like this ad, right? Here's an idea.

I'm listening. Is it going to involve maybe some stock footage of, say, a bushfire? All right. Or some kind of fire, at least. If we use stock footage of a bushfire, that's even better. Because that's a tragedy that happened. Because I'm just thinking, like, so you want, like, Shack Dragon to come across an apple grove and go. And as the flames, like, bathe the trees, they turn into delicious flame apples.

He goes across a wheat field and he, like, burns the wheat and they turn into, like, you know, toasted wheat. But we can't afford that. So we've got stock footage of fire and then Shaq on top of like a green cube. Flying around. Arms out. Arms out. And like floating through the scene. It's kind of like a big box around him.

Yeah. But like sort of like half arsely cut out, but it's all still square boxes. Yeah. So it looks like kind of like rectangles on rectangles that are green. And he's like kind of floating through the scene scene pretending to breathe fire. But it's just a bushfire. It's just a bushfire. People watching it are like, was that actually happening? That's not okay.

And we just hope no one puts two and two together. That for some reason it was cheaper for us to buy stock footage of a tragedy. So we'll have stock footage of, say, a wheat field and stock footage of the bushfire. And so for a split second hopefully the association will be that the shack dragon is toasting the wheat field and stock footage of the bushfire yeah and so for a split second the hopefully the association will be that the shack dragon is toasting uh the wheat field flame but uh but if you just came up with the name yeah yes shackadactyl shackadactyl it's shackadactyl

here he is shack comes on comes in the white background and goes, It was just Shaquille O'Neal. All right, so Shackadactyl burning wheat fields and apple groves. Now, we just quickly cut to bushfire footage. It's like a split second. Split second. So hopefully no one notices unless they freeze frame it. And how hard is that to do these days? So hard. So hard. It's fine. It's like a split second Split second So hopefully no one notices Unless they freeze frame it Yeah And like how hard

Is that to do these days So hard So hard It's fine It's fine No one's gonna know And then he's holding The bowl of the cereal

Yeah And the implication is That he created Terrible fires To get this cereal Yeah Yeah yeah yeah Cause it's like

It's healthy And we have to We have to really push that Like oh it's a health thing For the kids Yeah But the kids are gonna be like This is fantastic Because like like, it's flame.

It's fire school. Shaq. Shaq-a-dactyl. Shaq-a-dactyl. Shaq, kids love pterodactyls, and kids love fire. That's pretty much. And this combines all three in a healthy cereal kids will love. I really hope that we make a lot of money off it, but we still never animate Shaq.

But to the point where we're making toys of Shaq of Shaq Shaq in the mocap suit becomes more famous and icon than what we were intended to create is we'll get like there's like 994 like flair like basketball cards

all the ones of Shaq and we'll try and repurpose them done put them all put one in each box sell them to the people and they were like, look, it's a card game gonna collect them all it's just one

get one and there's a little note saying you did it that's all of them there's no variations trade with your friends we guess beyond this point, we've produced one car I like to think that this then started to trend And so then we get like you know Michael Jordan Scotty Pippen and all these other kind of like

Like Dennis Rodman or the other basketballs Basketballers in mocap suits Let's not get Dennis Rodman It'd be like a Lucky Charms one But every flavour would be the gross one Basketballers in mocap suits become It'd be like a Lucky Charms one But every flavour would be the gross one Yeah Basketballers in mocap suits Become Charles Barkley

They just go away with Animal mascots all together But no one's as good as Shackadackal It's like when Terry Crews took over as the old Spice Guy He wasn't as good as the I'm on a horse man Yeah, yeah, you just can't compete with the original The original and the best Shack Classic I think Shackadackal is just Fucking in the bag I'm on a horse, man. Yeah, yeah. You just can't compete with the original. The original and the best.

Shaq classic. I think Shaq Adactyl is just fucking in the bag, tick done. That's a winnow. Made healthy cereal for kids. That big fucking tick. I don't know why I'm ticking. I'm not writing anything down. What was our next cereal again?

But before we move on to that, a quick word from our sponsor, maybe. And if you want to keep up to date with everything we do, make sure you sign up to our newsletter. Just check the show notes or head to our website, sanspantsradio.com Now, what was our next cereal? Um, for men. A cereal for men. The reason I thought about this is because you said cereal with hot dogs.

So I'm thinking some kind of meat-based cereal. Because men love meat. Yeah, like a barbecue meat-flavoured cereal Oh, that is the most disgusting You're mixing it with milk That's foul So what are we, we're trying to appeal to the kind of Weak, fragile man

That needs to have man on his thing Before he'll even get close to buying it Are you some kind of 90-pound weakling? Well, you need man cereal Made with real meat. Made with real man. Made with real man. The manliest thing you can do is eat another man.

Are you worried about your sexuality? Do you hate being called a cuck? Well, here, have some man flakes. Man flakes. Man flakes. It's, of course, called man flakes. I think it should start off... Man loops. Like fruit loops, but man.. Man flakes. Man flakes. It's of course called man flakes. I think it should start off. Man loops.

Like fruit loops, but man. Yeah, good. Man loops. And I think what it should do, the ad should start off as like kind of like an inspiration. You know those inspirational videos where it's like, you can do whatever you want to do. Yeah. Kind of like real slow. And it's like, starts kind of like that.

It's like, you could be whoever you want to be. It's like, are you sick of your cereal being for women? Man loops! Maybe someone comes in and punches some special cake. Breakfast! It's not just for women anymore! Can we have like a very long, like uncomfortably long shot of someone just beating the shit out of a box of special cake?

It starts off clearly being like bam we're better than the competitors but then the something wrong with the person starts to come out fuck you fuck you fuck you cereal going everywhere man loops is this is he trying to like is he for domestic fire is is happening here? Oh, this is not good. Can the man loops become more and more like... Man loops! Like they want to go to stop attacking the cereal. I said man loops!

It's man loops! Man loops! Fella! Oi! Oi! Guys, stop kicking! It's man What are you doing?

Leave that box of cereal alone you psychopath Man It's man Is our mascot just like an unhinged man? Yes Man loops And he punches a wall The cereal you're afraid of

I hate this cereal It tastes bad You deserve it Okay Stephen's cereal just ripped up bits of cardboard The cereal is another cereal packet In a cereal box Man loops

Drywall That makes sense why he punches the wall The drywall falls out. Man loops! I can't eat this. Why is this in the laundry section of the supermarket? Man loops. Only a real man would eat something

that's not classified as food. This is a weird thing to eat. I don't like having this in my house. Imagine the packaging just black. Yeah. No label Whatsoever Just a pitch black Pure one colour

Cereal cardboard box Full of another cardboard box That has been shred Full of a box of special K That has been shred All this is just special K that's been punched a lot. Do you want a cereal formed by hate?

Here it is. Do you feel what you don't understand? Eat cardboard, coward! I hate cereal. And patch up your fragile ego. You're a fragile person. Feminism is the reason I'm alone. Eat cardboard, cock.

Why do I buy this? Man loops, eat cardboard, cock. You're not even in a loop shape. This is just shredded. It's a lot of different shapes. There's some special Kenne here, I guess, that I can gather the scraps of to have breakfast. I was thinking like a black box, maybe some red lettering kind of thing.

Oh, yeah. Kind of real Coke Zero kind of vibe. Okay, that's good. Real fat, like industrial lettering. Like that lettering where it looks like it's metal that's it's been like Yeah yeah Like Nutri-Grain Yeah Nutri-Grain Like you just like Like

Dunk Yeah Dunk Man loops It's good that in our advertising We let them know That we are appealing To their fragile masculinity

Yeah That's a weird And good No because I know so many I know so many men Who think that they are not Fragile masculinity And they're so aware of who think that they are not fragile masculinity, and they're so aware of it, and they're like, oh, fragile masculinity.

I'm great. And then if you mention anything, they're like, shut up. Do you not know how to change a car tire? Man loops. Do you think looking after your child somehow makes you weak? Man loops. If you refer to looking after your child as babysitting, man loops. Do you have a man cave?

Manloops! The serial is like 1.3 times as more. It's in like special K as well. Oh, it's expensive. But you're paying for the brand. Of course. Played by Calvin Klein. That's a goddamn weird one

You know that old school ad about this big bully guy Like kicking sand in some weakling's face It's that but Manloop is the big bully Yeah yeah absolutely It's that kind of thing We're in the ad Typically the weakling would then use some Fitness system and get in shape

But we just It's like Good on him You sometimes go to the beach You pick on a nerd Good Man loops Eat cardboard

Yeah Alright Imagine going to someone's house And just going to be like I don't know You've spent the night For whatever You just sleep over

Or whatever You go to the cupboard And you're like Man loops What's this? Poor cardboard And some old special K Into your mouth Huh That's like the phrase Man loops. What's this? Pour cardboard and some old special K into your mouth.

That's like the phrase, man loops, fork cuts, bike cuts. Do you hate your wife? Man loops. Hey, honey, I bought man loops. Oh, fuck. I don't know why you bought these Do you want to fight against feminism? Man loops

Did you hate the last Jedi? Man loops Perfect All female ghostbusters Man loops I just love that I don't know who this appeals to. Because it starts off like we're appealing to the people who have a fragile masculinity.

But then we're telling them they have a fragile masculinity so they would not want it. But then... Look, we're just as confused as they are. Someone will buy it. I'm eating it ironically. We know... Some hipster in a fucking sweater.

We don't know who the market we are appealing to is, but we know it exists. We know that some such market out there must exist. Men who think they're smarter than they are is our demographic. That's what we're looking for. Can we have one of the ads just be them grilling the man flakes? Oh yeah. Put them on a barbecue. Drink them out of

a stubby and you just shove it in the stubby and then drink it out of that. Fuck milk, drink beer. Man loops. What? Card porn. Man loops. The only cereal that you can have with a beer. Man loops. What? Cardboard. Man loops. The only cereal that you can have with a beer. Man loops. Jack Daniels cardboard and old special cake.

Man loops. The breakfast of man. This is disgusting. This is not the breakfast of champions. No, it is. This is opposite Nutri-Grain right here. It might kill you you I don't know Which cardboard

You're allowed to have Just paper I'm sure There is special K In there Because inside Every man Like man loops box

Is an old box Of special K So we start off With an old box Of special K Man loops How it's made And then we punch it To all the women Parts are gone So we start off with an old box of Special K. Man loops, how it's made.

And then we punch it until all the women parts are gone. Man loops. I just like the idea of how's it made, that joke. First, the box of Special K is taken to our specially made factories where several angry, fragile men spent hours beating the shit out of them until not an ounce of femininity is left. The remnants are then put in a black box. And that's

basically it. I just feel like, oh, Ken, you gotta open up your man loops like a beer can. So there's like a ring. Somehow we gotta make... Alright, so it's like a box of special cake there's like a ring, like a... Somehow we got to make... All right, so it's like a box of special K.

Yeah. Outside of that is maybe some kind of like fizzy thing. Yeah, all right. Okay. When I say carbon, that's the right word

I'm looking for. Carbonation? Carbonation. You were halfway there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some kind of like carbonation. So every time it opens up, it's like a...

And then you drink how about this, we'll get the special cave box and we'll get another bigger box and we'll put beer in that layer okay keep fresh keeps it something so the beer will eat away at that cardboard

then you get a porridge yeah basically it's a porridge we've made but it comes pre-por but it comes pre-porridge. It comes pre-porridge. Nothing says man loops like porridge, so... Yeah. Do you want a grey kind of goo that's

slightly beer flavoured? We have the cereal for you. We've got the cereal for you. We've got something for you. Look, it's nourishment. At the fucking least, it's nourishment. You hate your cereals having flavor? Man loops. Flavored with hate.

Man loops! That's the flavor. The flavor is hatred. It is, because it's just special kind. It's hatred and special kind. Pro tip. No matter how many times you kick a box of Special K, it's still just Special K.

Imagine a college frat house, right? And they're just chugging boxes and boxes of Man Loops. Man Loops! Man Loops! Someone doing a Man Loops keg stand, as it were.

It's funny if Man Loops is cheaper than Special K, because then it's just a better way to get your Special K. Why do you buy Manloops? Oh, it's just Special K. You put it through a sieve and you're fine. It's way so much easier to get it. Just buy Special K. That's the Special K's ad in rebuttal. They're like, just buy Special K. That's a Special K's ad in rebuttal.

They're like, just buy Special K. It's basically Special K. What are you doing buying Manloops? Buy Special K. It's Special K that's been mocked up. It's 2018. Seriously, buy Special K. Just buy Special K.

It's fucked that... I mean, clearly the Manloops startup will crumble as Special K. You're selling our product. But if we slip through the cracks... Yeah. I just imagine the owners of Manloops is outside where they make Special K crying. Why do you hate this? Is it because we're men?

And then, where are they getting the Special K? They have to buy the Special K from the supermarket. That's why it's marked up. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. This is an expensive cereal. They go to, like, you know, like, uh, like, servos and milk bars where it's very close, if not past the use-by date.

Buy it in bulk. Mmm, old Special K. Old Special K. You weren't using it! We can use it! It's not fair! Why don't you love me, Sarah use it. There's no fair. Why don't you love me, Sarah? That's inside every box.

Man loops. Why don't you love me, Sarah? Man loops. And then on the side in a circle, it's like, sad note inside. Collect them all. Please take me back. I'm sorry. Why do I buy this?

Collect them all, I guess. If you really want. Man loops. Look, it's another winner. Look, I think that's another dick. I think that deserves a tick. Just like Shackadactyl's flame flakes, Manloops are another slam dunk.

What was the slogan again for Manloops? Something, something, cucks? Eat cardboard, you cuck. Eat cardboard, I'm going to... Eat cardboard, you cuck. The only breakfast cereal. Buy cucks for cucks. Absolutely.

It's the cereal of ccks who's buying this anyway fucking cocks okay okay so now now we're gonna need a cereal for children night no it's night time for night time because we do children not getting a look no we did children at the start that's why we invented shakadactyl healthy cereal for children Man cereal, night cereal I would say a vampire For the mascot Count Chocula What are the other night time creatures?

Werewolf Owls Opossums How about like Rats There's Madagascan little fuckers. There's the big eyes. Lemurs.

Oh, do you mean eye-eyes? Eye-eyes. Eye-eyes. Eye-eyes. Eye-eyes or couscous. Couscous is a cuter eye-eye. Yeah, but what about also someone said rats? What about if the mascot was eight or nine rats?

I do like rats. And the ad is just a tipped over thing of the cereal and the rats are eating it. Good enough for them, good enough for you. It's 3am, you don't give a fuck. It's sustenance. It's 3am, you should be sleeping, but you're not. You're stoned watching cartoons.

Fucking eat it. Can you really be bothered cooking? Just eat the rat cereal. There you go, like a little turnip to cooking. Can't be bothered cooking? Add milk. Exactly. Can't add milk? Add water. What are you, when it's night, you yuck.

Hate that. Same fucking shit. When it's night time and you do have cereal, because the thing everyone does, what is your cereal of choice? Do you go for a sweeter cereal? I go for a sweet cereal because I'm a dessert cereal person. Yeah, I'm ready. If I do have to have cereal for dinner, it's a Sultana brand situation.

If I'm having it for dessert, I have this one that I was telling you guys about earlier, which is oat clusters with blueberry and shaved coconut in it. It's too sweet to have for actual breakfast. I can only have it as a dessert. That is good. See, I'm a muesli man. I love a bit of muesli.

Have a bit of muesli. That'll be my... I wouldn't have, like, cornflakes or cocoa pops or something at night. I'd have muesli. So I'd have muesli. Yours is kind of... Kind of muesli. Kind of muesli as well.

It's muesli custards. Yeah. Custards? Muesli custard and rats. I'm saying. What about you, Matt? Everyone's looking at me. I'm being very silent because I don't actually eat cereal.

Oh. Fucking God. I believe there's a fucking poser in the room right now. So I guess it's a muesli because Zama doesn't get it. I think last time I had cereal might have been Coco Pops. Okay, well let's make it muesli with Coco Pops in it. Perfect.

Ah, good. Yeah. Look, hey, it's healthy, but we're a little bit naughty on the side. Because you kind of want, because you're late night, you're having cereal, you're not like,

I'll be healthy. You want that. You want to be like, well, I could be having fucking cake. I'm having cereal. I'm being good, but I want it to be a bit sweet. What if it's like a berry covered in a little bit of cacao?

Okay. Is that the mascot or what's in the cereal? That's what's in the cereal. So it's a brand. It's a muesli. But there's chocolate coated berries. But little, like a little tiny seed. That's good. And is rats are going to be the mascot. Aye-aye. Aye-aye.

Aye-aye, because then in the visual, it's a little aye-aye, and his name is Ulysses. Okay. Look, I'm a fan of this. Ulysses the aye-aye. And aye-ayes have that big gross finger. Yeah, sure do. Oh, they do, too.

Oh, imagine that, just plopping into someone's mouth. No. Making you the serious. Yes. gross finger yeah sure oh i imagine what just plopping into someone's mouth maybe hang on can i can i describe a moment for you let's see if this works so someone's got the eye on their palm of their hand because it's quite little yeah it extends its long middle finger into the mouth of the person then as it draws it out we see that like a teat it is it is sending jets of the cereal into the person's mouth mixed with like uh no like it works like a fizz dip yeah where the ii sticks its finger in the cereal and then sticks the finger in your mouth ah does every box of cereal come with a hand an ii hand that can be the little fucking prize here's how many aye aye's left

there'll be enough oh I thought we were going to make it out of plastic but it's not genuine I'm not interested every aye aye has four fucking hands yeah but it's only got two long fingers well then that's two per aye aye how many aye aye's are there left

not that many you don't know I don't want that in my cereal Well, then that's two per aye-aye. How many aye-ayes are there left? Not that many. You don't know. I don't want that in my cereal. That's meaty. Well, we'd try it out. Oh, worse. That's worse. Mummified aye-aye hand.

They already look so gross. I'd rather just a plastic one. Yeah, I want a plastic one. And then it doubles as a spoon. Yes. Because then you hold it by the fingy. Yeah. And then the hand is, like, shaped as a spoon. That's perfect then you hold it by the fingy and then the hand

is like shaped as a spoon. That's perfect. Double so good, Jack. I know you're looking for I.I.s. I know you're looking for an I.I. picture. My struggle here is that I don't know how to spell I.I. Like the... Well, my phone's out of battery. Like the body part? Yeah. How about every fifth one comes with a real I.I.

hand? No. How about we make the mascot rats? And the ad is the rats doing the same thing, but the rats drop the milky cluster of oats. It's spelled A-Y-E. Find out how many are left. Let's see if it's feasible. Because if it's feasible, why not?

Well, it's endangered. Yeah, I knew that. They breed like rabbits, yeah? Yeah, probably. That's why they're endangered, yeah? Yeah. Look, rats, notoriously, not a good mascot, unless you're trying to kill something.

Yeah. Mickey Mouse is a rat. He's a mouse. You fucking idiot. Mickey Rat is a rat. Mickey Mouse is a rat. Can we just take stock Of what you just said

Jackson Bailey 2018 Mickey Mouse is a rat I feel like when I'm in episodes with you two For some reason all the bullying Comes my way And I don't know what happens to the dynamic But I hate it

You fucking said Mickey Mouse is a rat. He's a rodent. That's correct. There are no rat mascots. I'd rather, like, say a hamster than a rat. Hamster's not a night animal. The eye eye was thought to be extinct in 1933.

Okay, so there's probably not enough eye eyes for one fake for one fake one real I.I. hand for every five. But I do like getting his little fingy and then on his hand is like a spoon. What's the context you're normally eating night cereal in? You're watching Netflix. You've given up. You've given up. You can't be bothered cooking food. Yeah, the idea of

making even a grilled cheese. And you're like, oh kid, just do your own thing. Or have an I.I. cereal. So that means That we have to make it Look I like the idea Of making it a brand But if we're gonna be

Eating it with a finger Then it might need To be a thick barge No no no No because the aye aye's Finger is sticky Yeah it's a finger right But then the palm of the hand

Is the spoon Yeah Oh okay Alright that's fine then Or what about Zoe's sticky finger? That's for the ad. That's for the ad. What about we get a bit of honey that comes with it?

No, because the cereal shouldn't be sticky. Yeah, that's fair. Yeah. Okay. Because what you've now sold is a lumpy paste. People are late. People are animals. What about, okay, so I think we're going about this the whole wrong way.

Yeah. Right? It's a cereal for people who've given up. You're right. Yes. It is my cereal. So what about, I'm sure every cereal out there has offcuts they don't need. What about we just collect every bit of cereal that was not the right shape.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or passes used by date. We funnel them into a trough or something. Then we funnel all those off-cut cereals into one big box. It's a combination of Fruit Loops, Nutri-Grain, fucking Corn Flakes. Broken Wheat Bix.

Broken Wheat Bix. The whole shit's in there and you tip it in with whatever milk you got left. Good with whatever. Yeah, that's what we'll call it. Good with whatever. Good with whatever for the person who's given up. You're sad for eating this.

Depression, the cereal. I think that's probably the right, because that's cheap. Yeah. You're just giving it to the bin. Otherwise, you're just going to keep it. And it's hard to find eyes. Yeah, that's true. That's the slogan.

It's either the bin or you. That's great. And people will be happy to be the bin. We will. In this situation. People are animals. The slogan can be, it's fine. Yeah.

It's like every time you go, I'm not sure if you've ever just bought like a microwave meal. Like one of those. I have. Not recently. I have. I have. I have. And you just chuck that in the microwave, and that's your dinner.

And it's because you just cannot be fucked. Yeah. And you're sad at yourself. But you're like, well, fuck it. You're like, whatever. I got something in. It's hot-ish. And that's your cereal.

You're like, it's cereal-ish. The food you can eat when you're crying. Yeah. Can we have on the back just a mirror, and it just says go to bed? So you're like, look at the back. You're like, how about the mirror on the back and it just says sort your life out. I like the idea that you assumed it came in a box. It actually just comes in a paper bag that's held together with a lacquer band. It's great down the aisle and you're like, yeah, okay, yeah, yeah, flame flakes and man loops.

Now I'm good. You're like, what the fuck? Is this even a cereal? Can it have the milk in it already? You pick up a wet paper bag, you shake it, and you're like, I guess this. Every paper bag is like with a sharpie just written on it.

Eat it. Sure. I don't even know what this cereal's called. It doesn't even have a name. It just says, eat it. I guess. I guess that's where I am at last. That's what I've... We'll just call it, look, I guess.

Yeah, I guess. I guess. Are you home alone yet again? I guess. You're kind of hungry? Yes. Nothing to watch on TV, so you're watching the same old sitcom

that you've seen for the tenth time? I guess. Yes. You know what you need. I like to imagine when you try to take it out and buy it, they're like, you can just have that. You need it more than we do. We actually, it costs us, literally.

It's more expensive to keep it. Free with the purchase of a six-pack of cat food. Oh, fuck you guys. Look, that's a fucking trifecta of cereals. I think we nailed it. I think we did quite well. I would happily eat... I'd eat shakadactyls.

Yeah, shakadactyls or flameflakes. Flameflakes, that's what they're called. Halfway Ds. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, look, Special K is alright. They're not beat up Special K. I hate eating cardboard.

And whatever I guess is, I'm not depressed enough for it yet. I guess I just think the milk won't be cold. It's grossing me out. Just the offcuts. I just, like I say, I'm not a big fan of Froot Loops. So if I get, like, Froot Loops offcuts with, say, Nutri-Grain, I'm just not going to be happy. Yeah, and it's such a lucky hit.

I'll eat it, I guess. You're not going to be happy about it it's such a lucky i'll eat it i guess but you're not going to be happy about it i guess that's what they wanted so happiness is not your concern yeah we're banking on the fact that they don't care enough to comply yeah it'd be like a cardboard box but it's not like a like a high quality there's like no gloss to it and it's just kind of gray yeah yeah yeah that's good that's good like maybe it's recycled like yeah yeah like it's not yet had any logos Sort of like put on it It's just a box A wet box

With just like a Smiley face but instead of it smiling It's just got this straight line Just done in sharpie On the side Like somebody in a factory somewhere Like some kind of stamp or like in like an embossed thing oh yeah like no embossed too too hard it's just like one but

you think it's like one stencil he's like slamming into cardboard yeah like i guess it's the cheapest thing we could do because i have to pay like what should be ink yeah yeah on this like stamp almost and then no ink it's just so there's no ink. So a stamp with no ink leaves sort of an indentation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about, let's get even more, it's just somebody's got a penknife. Stab, stab, slice to make a mouth. And you're like, I guess. You take it home and you eat that and you're sad.

Yeah, look, I'd much rather flame flakes. They at least sound like food everything else has had the chance of either not being food or poisoning me this is the flame flakes are the only one that i'm like that's just a muesli that's just a muesli with a fake apple in it an apple that may or may not exist is it real dust like dragons? It is toasted We know that much It's got Shaquille O'Neal on the front Don't ask too many questions

So I'll fucking eat it And on that note I've been Joel I've been Zoe I've been Jackson Eat your flame flakes Eat your cardboard you cucks It's fine, I guess.

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