Plumbing the Death Star - What is Your Batman Villain Theme?

Episode Date: June 22, 2015

In which our heroes turn to their inner demons, poison the water supply and cackle manically while wondering what villainous theme they would take if they lived in Gotham City. We look at saving developing countries from starvation, going to university to study fire and the best way to recruit henchmen. Jackson has a fascination with beef, Duscher is confused about how being born works and Zammit just wants to throw coins at Batman and hassle his grapes. So cower in terror at the villains who weren’t invited to knightfall, line up to have your chance to break the Bat and stick around for the inevitable dark and gritty 90s reboot. It’s confusingly evil and somewhat incompetent. Want to help people succumb to the influence of the demon bat? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in Gotham City. It won’t be a positive difference, but it’ll be a difference. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least four books about finding your inner bad self. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio. Time to sit down with a nice hot cup of Joel. This episode is sponsored by Dan Krasinski, Hugh O'Connor and Ed Petterfah. Thanks for, you know, helping us out. And just for all your help, we'd like to give you some study tips. Always write in different coloured pens. Your brain will be able to retain it better. That one's for you.

Enjoy the episode. 10 out of 10. Gold star. We're done. We're done. Everybody, end your life now. Drink the episode. 10 out of 10. Gold star. We're done. We're done. Everybody, end your life now. Drink the Kool-Aid. Drink the Kool-Aid. Go, go, go, go. What's happening? Hey guys, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star,

where we ask the important questions like, if you were a Batman villain, what would your theme be? Alright, who wants to go first? Well, you know what? I'll take the reins. Yeah, alright. The reins? No, that's not what it is. The reins? The reindeer? I like that. Yeah, you go first because then you don't just get to shit over my idea and then do it last and you can just reign supreme because we've all just forgotten my ideas. How about you go last so that I don't just bust out a retarded idea

that everyone's like, that was dumb, and then we forget about who won. Yeah, okay. All right, well, I'll go first, because this never really happens. We usually have a set order, which is strange. It's usually Joel Zammett, Jackson, Joel D. Yeah.

Shit, not everything. Yeah. All right, go first. Okay, what's your theme? Come on. Fire. Okay. All right. Because I feel like the Batman has never really dealt with someone who just

wants to burn Gotham to the ground. Batman's never really dealt with fire. Yeah. You can't punch fire, Batman. You'll burn your hand. Alfred, what's this? Okay, so your your schtick is fire. What's your name? Who are you going with? The Fireman. Like a

fireman? Like a fireman, but the fireman like is like like a like a fireman like a fireman but the fireman okay all right what's your terrible villainous origin uh like where did you come from my family was giving birth to me and the hospital your whole family is birthing you at once an arm a leg yeah and then they just put me to get there so rather than like having you know you sit down in like a a pool thing like a bath whatever you know what's that called a water birth yeah you have like a flame birth as metal as that is no that's a ridiculous origin joel you idiot fair enough, no. So what happened was I was being birthed at a hospital. Okay. Burst into flames.

Why? Batman didn't stop. This one's crime. Batman decided against it. Batman just didn't stop a spontaneous combustion. Well, I guess he couldn't know. That's on you, Batman. Do you blame Batman?

I do blame Batman because my family perished in a flame and it left my half my face. Oh, I'm just couldn't know. That's on you, Batman. Do you blame Batman? I do blame Batman, because my family perished in a flame, and it left half my face... Oh, I'm just Two-Face. Just have the top half, then. Just like you got your head stuck between two doors as flame went through. Like, your hair is just constantly on fire. Yes. That's cool.

Do that. Yeah, okay, so... How? As I was a child's baby just just born yeah my family were trying to escort me out of a burning hospital my head got stuck between two doors my scalp was engulfed in flames but because it was an attack by the joker ah i'm very young um the joke has been active for like 20 years, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was special flames that meant that my scalp was never extinguished. Yes. I was going to say, maybe like a super circle full of like Lazarus pit juice or something. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Eternal flame. Eternal flame. That's a better name than the fireman.

No, the fireman, because that brings me to my next point. Okay. My costume. Oh, yeah. I'll dress like a fireman, because that brings me to my next point. My costume. Oh, yeah. I'll dress like a fireman. That's going to be confusing for Gotham's actual fire department. They'll be like, wait, what's your MO? What kind of crimes are you doing?

Flame-related crimes. So the Gotham fire department rolls up at a burning building, and they're like, oh, this guy's got it. There's already one of us here. And they're like, not a problem, fellas. And they're like, his head's on fire. I guess that's the giveaway I guess that's right there is how we know it's you

pretty much what I want to be is ghost rider wait would you have a fireman helmet as well to cover the flame no I had like a welder's helmet on so you couldn't see my face but my scalp was still so you're going to be a pretty obvious fireman yep that's the fireman

he's just got a fireman jacket he's dressed like one of us he's still the villain we can tell because his hair's on fire and the visor so do you think that Batman is not going to have trouble with you? yes

you think he's not going to be like I thought actual super powered people you're just hot on top of your head. No, but also my suit, yeah. Like Mr. Freestyle? Yeah, but with flames. And you're like, I'm going to burn the city. I'm going to burn the city to the fucking ground, Jackson.

Because if I was burnt as a child, all children should be burnt. My brain is literally on fire, Jackson. Logic is not something that's a strong point with me. So how old are you? I'll say 18. So you've grown 18 years in an orphanage as well. With a flame head. Actually, no, we'll go younger.

We'll go... I'll go 16, because Batman usually doesn't fight underages. No, he'd send Robin out. He's got Robin to fight now. Well, Robin is now dead. And Robin has a lot of exposed skin that Batman doesn't. underages yeah no he'd send robin out he's got robin to fight now well robin is too easy dead and robin has a lot of exposed skin that batman doesn't and robin often fights by wrapping his thighs around people's necks like acrobat style he's gonna burn his thighs

wait do you you said you blame batman yeah Did you never look into the fire and find out it was spontaneous human combustion? No, it was the Joker Oh, it was the Joker, that's right Why don't you blame the Joker? Because Batman could have prevented it That's so weird, that's like a guy stabbed me So fuck the cops

That is a good point Actually, I'll be a Batman villain that blames Batman and the Joker. I want to kill both of them, thus I'm burning all of Gotham to the ground. Or you could be like, I'm only going after the Joker. I want to kill and burn him. And then Batman's like, hey, not on. You can't kill, so you become his villain that way. Do you have henchmen?

And maybe Batman will stop you killing the Joker and now you're his villain. Yeah, yeah. Ah, okay, here we go. Two-step process. So when I was 13, I went after the Joker and now you're his villain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, here we go. Two-step process. So when I was 13, I went after the Joker my first time. I'm surprised he didn't just shoot you in the neck, but cool. I was on fire. The Joker was like, you're a crazy person. I was like, fuck you, mate.

I'm going to burn you. Batman pops up when I'm flaming Joker. Yeah. And then he punches me in the wrist. No, he punches you in the face with like flame-retardant glove or something. No, he punches me in the wrist. Okay. Let me get a second origin story.

Snaps my wrist clean off. Whoa. Wait, what? Just your wrist or hand too? My hands too. Just your wrist pops out. That's a very powerful punch Batman's packing. It's a very specific and powerful punch.

Not just my wrist. From the wrist to my hand is broken off. Okay. Because I'm like... I like that Batman can just punch a hand. What do you think? Decapitate a hand? What is one you get rid of a limb? Yeah, that's...

Decapitation. Delimitate. Delimitate? No, decapitation's head. Yeah, whatever. Decapitate your hand. Yeah. With a punch. Maybe he's using... No, with a batarang. Oh, there you go.

He throws a batarang at me to try and... It's like to break the glove, but it just cuts off my hand. But he doesn't realise it's not a glove, it's your hand. Yeah. Silly Batman. Silly Batman. Pay attention. So then I construct, I spend the next three years constructing a fake hand that can just shoot flames all the time you know what i love flamethrower hand that like a lot of batman's rose galleries are also super geniuses that's how they can make

equipment you you are a baby and then in an orphanage and then you're like well i guess i'm gonna have to go to university to learn how to make flame hands. Or he could maybe become buddies with Mr. Freeze and do like a villain sort of fire and ice. Fire and ice. Team up. That's when you're like, yeah, you're like for a while, a team in the comics, fire and ice. And then you have a falling out and it's fucking awesome. Yeah. He'd be like, and he'd be like.

And with equal strength. And then he'd like, you know, that's how you get all the flame through our hand is he would make it for you. Yeah. Well, that's what's happening. Because Freeze also blames the Joker for something, I guess. I think the Joker might have hurt his wife. No, his wife just got sick.

Yeah. I don't think he likes the Joker very much. No one really likes the Joker. Well, maybe I can be like, your wife is dying. My family is dead. Let's be friends. That's true. Maybe he just sees you in the orphanage and like maybe he, I can be like, your wife is dying, my family is dead, let's be friends. That's true.

Maybe he just sees you in the orphanage and maybe he... He Robins you? He buys you, but you don't do that with kids. He adopts you, that's the word. Oh, yeah, because he sees the flames. So I'm raised by Mr. Freeze, that's pretty cool. Yes, that's alright. I reckon, yeah, you're like Mr. Freeze's adoptive son. You're like the Robin to his Batman.

Yeah. And then Batman fights Mr. Freeze and Robin fights you, because you're like Mr. Freeze's adoptive son. Yeah, like the Robin to his Batman. Yeah. And then Batman fights Mr. Freeze and Robin fights you because you're a kid. And I burn Robin. In the thighs. Yes. Quite badly. He gets, like, second-degree burns.

And then, like, Mr. Freeze just can't cope with this because, like, he's imagining you also burning. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. He freezes everything. Okay, so, henchman, when you finally decide to break away from, maybe not a falling out, but I think, look, dad,

like Mr. Freeze, dad. I've got to spread my wings. Mr. Dad. Mr. Dad Freeze, I've got to make my own way in life. And you give a bit of a hug as steam comes up because you're a pie rise. Very, very sweet. Oh no, fuck it. I'm going to stay teamed up with Mr. Freeze.

There's no falling out. I'm creating specific teamed up with Mr. Freeze there's no falling out I'm creating specific henchmen yeah no no falling out be like I want to make my own way can you like you know break me for a bit of money and help me

and he's like no I've got a better idea we're a team let's get fire and ice henchmen ice from one hand fire from the other that's sick wait so you give it

I guess you could give them a freeze glove and a fucking fire glove alright that's sick wait so you give it I guess you could give them a freeze glove and a fucking fire glove alright that's alright half of them red and half of them blue

yes what do they look like um so I imagine spiked up hair oh fuck yes half half white

half red um probably just like maybe like a black stripe like as like a sort of like painted on but like sort of as like a eye mask sort of thing yeah cool so it's not like, maybe like a black stripe, like as like a, sort of like painted on, but like sort of as like a eye mask sort of thing. Yeah, it's not like there's like every day before they go at henshing are like painting

on an eye mask. It's a bit ridiculous. I guess they are spiking their hair. Whatever. Whatever. Um, I imagine they're wearing like, so it's sort of like steampunk. Oh no, not steampunk, like cyberpunk sort of ish. A backpack with like tubes and then they go

up their arms yeah yeah that's awesome that's fucking cool i like it and then i'm for some reason i'm imagining shorts and and uh knee pads white boots like go-go boots no knee pads and like combat boots that's still ridiculous yeah i know but still because it looks like this sort of from the future but like the 80s version of the future but here's a problem uh-huh because mr freeze is like everything he's doing is to get money to like resurrect his dead wife you're like i'm just burning god i don't think he's gonna be okay no i feel like that my mo would come from the fact that Mr. Freeze's wife will either die or he will get hurt and I will go nuts. Ah, okay.

Okay, okay. So my story has a lot of layers now. So you're a complex character. Yeah. What's your catchphrase? Get fucking burned, mate. That's so dumb. I'm just imagining, right?

Well, three ones already taken. That's so dumb I'm just imagining right You're on top of a skyscraper Or you're like at the front of a theatre And you're just burning it And Batman's like no And you just turn around to look at him Get fucking burned mate I know you said it in a very straight way But in my head it was very cockney

Get fucking burned mate Get fucking burned mate Good Solid How do you deal with the rest of the criminals of Batman's rogues gallery Get fucking burned, mate. Get fucking burned, mate. Good. Solid. How do you deal with the rest of the criminals of Batman's rogues gallery? Most of them aren't flame retarded, so that sort of answers itself. You're just going to say, man bat is a bat. He's got fur.

He's going to be singed like a motherfucker. Oh, Croc, though. Killer Croc. In a fight against Killer Croc, I think Killer Croc wins. Yeah, but I'm probably not going to just fight other villains. You're not probably just going to be like, I'm driven down to the surface to beat the shit out of Killer Croc. Also, I'm teamed up with Mr. Freeze,

which Killer Croc would struggle against. That's true. That's true. And you've got your henchmen. You've got a clever move siding with old Freezy. Yeah, because old Freezy... You're lucky he adopted you. Yeah, it's also easy, because even if he didn't adopt me,

I reckon I could probably approach him. That's true. Because fire and ice, i think you'd like the shtick yeah like i think there's like a neat like sort of poetry to that and also because like he's like out of all the batman villains it's the one you can probably feel shut the fuck up about the penguin you can't feel for the penguin you saw that in my eyes yeah i did you saw that little glint a little like a warrior noise penguin warrior same thing oh my god they are um but yeah no i can you can sympathize with mr freeze like yeah hey he's trying to look out for his wife he's doing it in a bad way but yeah also cool party and stuff uh and would your lair change as well so you're just living with mr freeze like there There's like fire and ice. Well, I imagine that Mr.

I'm 16, so I probably just want to play video games a bit. I thought you wanted to burn Gotham. No, no, let me finish this level. No, Gotham plays Zelda. I just need to save. I'll fucking eat dinner when I save. I just can't save right now. Mr. Freeze doesn't know how to be a dad. It's an online game, Dad. You can't pause it. Oh my

God. Mr. Freeze is sad that his son won't stop playing WoW. Are you going to take out Gotham, son? Shut up, Dad! Oh, Dad! Just want to be a tauren who can swing a fucking axe, but you can

shoot fire out of your arms. Axe cow, Dad. Axe cow. It's a pretty good, like, it's hard to find fault in. Okay, so back to my last... The fireman. It just sends mixed messages. No, but that's good.

Would you also have, like, an ad out in the paper, so it's got, like, you know, like, a triple O, like, call the fireman, and then, like, you're, like, fireman for, like, any burn-related needs. So, like, sometimes you're just, people will call that ad, and you O, like, call the fireman, and then, like, you're, like, fireman for, like, any burn-related needs. So, like, sometimes you're just, people will call that ad, and you're like, I guess that's the crime I'm doing today. No, well, I imagine that...

So much mix-ups. Because, yeah, I started at 16. If you go, oh, man, you'd go down to, like, a building, and it'd already be on fire. You'd be like, damn! I feel like at some point, I'm like, hmm, I can't do anything else. I guess I add more fire to it. This isn't worth it.

Yeah, this is a waste of time. But yeah, no, I like to imagine that my character, so 16 paired with Mr. Freeze, sick times. Something happens to Mr. Freeze. I'm badly injured. And then later, as a 30-year-old gruff man, I still have one flame on, but then also an axe. That's when i'm

the fireman but i feel like that so my name should be something before it becomes a fire lad you start as eternal flame and then you get gruff and when the like it hits the 90s and comics and like we gotta give him a weapon a gritty reboot you become the fireman with, when you said an axe, I feel like you should be missing an arm and just have an axe wedged in, like, at the elbow. Oh, I imagined it was the other way around. Like, I was holding an axe, but my other arm was cut off, and it was just a flamethrower. Oh, yes.

So the hand that Batman is, like, decapitated. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I forgot about that bit. Oh, my God. Axe in one hand, flamethrower for the other. The fireman. Because the flamethrower I imagine was elbow. Yeah.

But with the axe, I guess I'm missing... Just hand. That's great. You can't pick shit up. Well, that's why I imagine... I guess I've probably got a cyborg hand at this point. Yeah, I feel like you probably need... Because it's the 90s.

It is the 90s. You need a cyborg hand. And I'm holding an axe. A cyborg arm, no, holding an axe a cyborg arm no that turns into a fucking axe oh my god yes sick done

yes that's rad now how does Batman because you are a villain how does Batman defeat you yeah because let's be honest he's always going to

defeat you no matter what you do fuck I feel like he's probably just going to make like a flame retardant batarang and you're going to be like

well wrapped up and then I'll just be trying to burn and I'll be like wrapped up to my hands and up, and then I'll just be trying to burn. And I'll be wrapped up so my hands are facing myself. So if you try and burn, you just burn your face? Which could be how this gritty reboot starts.

Because I'm just like, you know what? Fuck it. I'm going to try anyway. I'll burn my way out. And he's like, no, you're burning yourself. I'm like, I don't give a fuck, Batman. Heads on fire, faces on fire. Everything's burning.

And then as the fire went, my face is just sort of like melted a bit and like charred. That's fucked up, but metal as hell. True. Also, I think Batman would now just always keep a fire extinguisher just handy. You're like, well, run! I have an axe at that point. That's true. I like that you're like, I have an axe, whatever Batman v axe

nobody has tried to kill him with an axe from memory I'm sure they have guns haven't really worked on him but an axe I feel like is more personal up and close the fireman was good it's like a 10 out of 10

that's pretty good. But I think... No, I'm not going to shit all over yours. So I... Dr. Beef. Okay, and beef is my theme. Dr. Beef. So here's my origin story.

Okay, Dr. Beef, eminent scientist, the year's 1962. And I'm developing a brand new new self-sustaining harmless beef right it's like genetically engineered but it's like oh no right i it's full of nanobots or nano beeves and it starts growing like gray goo and it attaches itself to my body and I'm like Clayface but with beef. Right? Right? I sort of follow.

Good. So what's your power? I can manipulate the beef. So you're literally covered in beef. I'm like a beef man. Are you like mince beef man? No, like... Or is it like... Like steaks. Like steaks. Like if I'm like a beef man. Are you like mince beef man? Or is it like steaks? Like steaks. Like if you got like a giant like hulky

steak and you mould it into the shape of a guy roughly and then put a lab coat on him, that's what I look like. Are you also wearing glasses? Yes. Good. But I can like stretch it out and like make one handle big and beefy but it's still pretty squishy,

and I leave wet footprints wherever I want. So it's like Mr. Fantastic, but you're made of beef. Yes. Or like Clayface. Like Clayface, but made of beef. If I was to lop off a finger, where it was all big and beefy. Yeah, and fry it up, it'd be great.

And eat it. Are we good? Yeah. Can you regenerate limbs? Yeah, I can regenerate that. Why are you a villain, and why are you not helping feed the poor? Because it sent me insane becoming beef.

Okay. And I figured I've got to make everything else beef because the nano-beefs are in my brain. And they, like, make the world beef. All right, so what is your... We're all based in Gotham. Yeah. What's your MO?

Oh, my MO is to, like, try and get more beef to add to my beef body. So are you attacking the cows? Supermarkets? Oh, my M.O. is to, like, try and get more beef to add to my beef body. So are you attacking the cows? Yeah. Supermarkets? I'm attacking the Gotham farms, supermarkets, meat processing plants. What do you call them? Slaughterhouses? Yeah, yeah.

Does Gotham even have farms? Out in the fucking sticks it does. Okay. Like in the Gotham surrounds. That's where I'll be. All right. So Batman probably won't even know I'm about most of the time it's too late he'll just be like clicking in the bat computer for local crimes and it'll be like missing chaos until you start strikes again

tormenting all the meat packaging plants yes and then batman will clearly probably come after me okay yeah uh uh what's your what's your lair oh Oh, it's the laboratory Where I First discovered the nano-beefs But it's like all beef It's like made of beef So you go inside and it's like this wet Beefy cavern

And it's got that smell of raw meat I was thinking maybe make it Like a freezer room, like a cool room Like the butchers A meat cavern I feel like it would be dank Maybe make it like a freezer room, like a cool room, like the butchers. But no, you made it even worse. I feel like it would be dank. It is dank. It's wet.

It's gross. You could push someone through a wall. But it's also kind of tough like beef, so that's good. Like a bouncing castle made of beef. Oh, gross. I'm on board. I'm liking it. Oh, my God. If Dr. Beef fought the board. I'm liking it. Oh my god, if Dr. Beef

fought the fire, he'd cook me! Char-grilled. Motherfucker. Well done. Oh, sick. Are you even going to have henchmen? I'll have little beefmen. So like, not very large, like about three foot. So you'll create these yourselves? Yeah, I'll be like, with my beef hands. No, I'll get little beefmen. So like, not very large, like about three foot.

So you'll create these yourselves. Yeah, I'll be like with my beef hands. No, I'll get a hand, lop it off, and then that hand will like start walking on its fingers. But it's about three foot because I'm huge. And I'll just chop off my hand, wait for it to re-go, chop off my hand and then get them to do nefarious things. Beef hands.

Beef hands. It's Dr. Beef and the beef hands. Just imagine Batman fighting animated beef hands. Just picture that in your head. I have. How is Batman... I think every episode or every... At the end of every arc you're in,

it's just Batman's going to have a barbecue, like a good old fry up. Yes. And he'll never tell Robin where the meat's coming from. Robin will be like, these are weird's coming from probably be like these are weird sausages batman would be like yeah like it'd be like batman in like a like an apron and shit like those like 1960s like kiss the bat yeah maybe even feeding the homeless and shit and be like where'd you get all this grade a beef batman you'll never know wink to camera

batman that's an oddly disconcerting thing to say you'll never know what is this you'll never know is this Dr. Beef you'll never know it's some grade A Dr. Beef wink Batman I feel sick

so yeah that's two 10 out of 10s catchphrase nice to beef you no where's the beef So yeah, that's two 10 out of 10s. That's good. Catchphrase. Oh, catchphrase. Nice to beef you. Oh, beautiful. No, where's the beef? Yes!

Because Batman will have me tied up or charred or something, and I'll just be lying there, and I'll be like, and then Batman will be like, I've got you, and I'll be like, where's the beef? No, I'll be more like, where's the beef, Batman? And then one of my beef hands will just leap out from behind and grab Batman on the back of the head. And he'll have to fight that.

And push his head into your beefy body. And I'll be like, I need to kick shit. That's why I'm trying to get Batman. I want to make him part of me. I'm going to seek out every villain in Gotham and add them to the beef mass until I am the most powerful villain. Okay, and how does Batman defeat you?

Probably by cooking me. Because I feel like if we're adding a gritty reboot, then I will become char-grilled. Like when Batman cooks me and I'll get all hard and well done. And a little bit of flames and shit as well. We need that. And I'll be super tough. I'll be like a Hulk guy then.

Nice. Char-grilled. And I'll only have like ten beef hands'll be like a Hulk guy then. Nice. Char-grilled. And I'll only have like 10 beef hands because I can't lop them off anymore. Maybe you're missing one because you lopped it off. Oh, yes. And then got char-grilled. And so you can't...

Yeah, I can't add another one on. No, no, no. He got char-grilled. He caught one on thinking the same thing would happen and just didn't grow back. Yeah. I only got one little beef hand. Minion.

Yes. And he's like my hand. And what I want is I want a collar around the hand that's missing and a chain that goes to the hand and it's like attached but by a chain that's sick so i can just be like whoa and like hurl him away and climb buildings with him yes that's really good that's the fucking best char grilled i like that both of us have a gritty reboot yeah it's good it's nice all right pressure is on you. Pressure's on me. You've both gone for more...

Sick ones. Sick ones fighting Batman with beef fists or with a flame. I'm going to do a bit more like the Riddler, a bit more puzzly kind of stuff, but not as clever. So my shtick is going to be pennies. Okay. So my gritty origin, my origin story, is that maybe I was a helper of Batman to build his Batcave.

Oh, okay. Like one of the construction workers? A construction worker. An engineer, if you will, to help him construct that. You have to sign all those legal papers. I won't tell everyone you're Batman. I've got your back. Then his giant penny fell.

Oh, God. And crushed me from the waist down. Okay. So now I'm a cripple. Wait, his giant penny. You know Batman's giant penny? Batman's giant penny? In the Batcave, he has a giant penny.

Like a huge penny, about maybe two stories high. Huh. Why do I not know that? It's like a classic Batman Batcave thing. That's weird. Yeah. Like, I'm quite familiar with Batman. Yeah, he's got a giant penny.

He used it to fight the Joker. He swung it at the Joker, and it smacked the Joker in the chest. But it's like, it's huge. It's like, why? Where did it come from? I don't know. I don't know. Oh, okay.

Cool. Okay. I'm a wad. I actually learned something this week. Yeah, you did. So, a giant penny has fallen. Crushed your legs. Crushed me. Crushed my legs. I'm a wad. I actually learned something this week. So Giant Penny has fallen. Crushed your legs. Crushed my legs.

I'm a cripple now. Yeah. So my wheelchair, instead of wheels, to Giant Penny. Oh, that's sick. That's awesome. I love it. And because I know Batman's secret identity, I start playing mind games with him. Penny-related mind games?

Penny-related mind games. Just leave it in sacks of pennies? So all I have is, like, I throw pennies at him. I pay my minions in pennies, like large quantities of pennies. Guy in a wheelchair hurling pennies at Batman is, like, the least threatening thing I can imagine. They're just going to push you over. Not Batman mean, but my catchphrase is,

as I'm hurling pennies, is make it rain. Yeah, that's good. Or keep the change. Or keep the change or make it hail. Yes. Or the penny has dropped. You have so many penny funds. Either one I think could be great.

What's your name? So I want to say like Pennyworth. Oh, yeah. And that's Alfred. Is that where the penny came from maybe? Maybe, maybe. You could be Penny Pinscher. Penny Pinscher.

I like Penny Pinscher. I think that's good. I think that's good. I think that's good. So you that's good. I think that's good. So you're playing, what kind of mind games? Because just leaving a penny for Batman to find, he's going to be like, no, it's that penny guy in a wheelchair. He'll be like, see a penny, pick it up.

All day long, I'll have good luck. See a penny, pick it up. It's all I wanted. Damn it, Batman. Bastard again. No, I'm going to go and rob all the banks. Okay. How?

Because I'll have henchmen and stuff. How? No, no, no to go and rob all the banks. Okay, but how? Because I'll have henchmen and stuff. How? Okay, no, no, no. You're robbing a cripple who... Or is your henchman doing the robbing? Henchman doing the work. I'll be the mastermind. Basically my shtick, my M.O., if you will, is to rob all the banks and replace all the gold bullion and everything with the exact

equal amount of weight, but in pennies. Okay. So what's your end goal? Good. Because I just want to murder everyone. Jackson wants to become a bigger beef man. I just got my legs back. Can I blame Batman?

Do you aim to melt the pennies down and make penny legs? I think that'll be the 90s goody reboot. Yeah, yes. Is that it finally happens. We melt some pennies down and we get penny legs. That's awesome. And then I'll change my name to Penny Legs. Yes.

What I love about that is that pennies aren't particularly strong. They're not made of a great metal, really. I feel like they'd be quite malleable. Yes. Penny legs. Okay, good. What are your henchmen dressed like? What does that cost you?

Also, why are they working for you? Are you paying them a decent wage but just in pennies? Yeah. My favorite thing about that is that if you paying them a decent wage but just in pennies? Yeah. My favorite thing about that is that if you worked at the bank and somebody came in and was just like, here's a jar of pennies. You'd be like, do you work for Penny Pencher? Yes.

Uh-huh. And they'd be like, well. That's illegal. It's Gotham. I'll let it slide. We're all villains. I'm a villain and Ian Scum. I'm a villain and bank man.

I get it. This is John Q Scum. What's your lair? I feel my endgame actually, I'd want to try and steal that giant penny off Batman. I think that is my main motivation. Can the Batcave also be your headquarters? You know where it is, you built it.

You've spent the whole time being like, You know where it is, you built it. Exactly. You just spend the whole time being like, Batman, I built this, this is mine. I'll construct something so it's next to the Batcave, so I can just whisper shit into Batman while he's deciding stuff. You're a piece of shit, Batman. So you're going to buy the land next to the Wayne Manor. An adjacent lair.

Just an adjacent lot. Batman's like, oh, who's moving in? Oh, fuck. It's that penny cunt. Because Batman can't do anything because I know who he is. You know his secret identity and it's not like he can kill you. Okay, so really you're just an annoying villain. Basically I'm the annoying cripple that Batman

has to put up with occasionally. Batman's gonna deal with this guy. Your crimes don't even rally, like... In the grand scheme joke, it's like, Batman, I've rigged two boats to explode.

Actually, fuck, yeah, fuck robbing banks. No, I'm gonna annoy the fuck out of Batman. Every time Batman goes to his bat cave to open his Batmobile, it's just like,

I've been throwing pennies at it, so it's all scratched and shit. I've just been hassling him. I feel like Alfred is gonna know you

better than Batman does. Yeah, I think he will. will alfred's just gonna chase you out with a broom just wheeling out ha ha ha fuck you alfred please leave master bruce i love it throwing pennies at him you're like wheel wheeling out of the bat cave can you be related to alfred therefore the pennies worth thing yes yes done Yes, done. Done. Alfred was like, Batman, you're building a Batcave. I've got a contractor for a younger brother. I'll bring him in. Damage, Alfred, look at my legs. Your boss did this to me,

so I'm going to keep throwing my pennies at his fucking car. Get out of here. No. I was just laughing at like, you know like the road that the Batmobile goes on out of the Batcave like you've just been throwing pennies at that and then Batman just to get someone else leaps in the car and you're like oh no oh no

just out wheeling away do the jump out of the waterfall Batman's like oh it's that penny guy look it's the penny guy I really, look, it's the penny guy. I really wish Alfred would tell his brother to fuck off. So when you get a gritty re-paint... And then he looks at, like, just the cover of the... Like, is those penny marks on my cup? It's going to cut.

I'm going to have to get Alfred to re-paint this. To buffer them out. But you could, like, if you just left pennies on that road, because you know where the Batmobile's going to go, it might just swerve and crash. And if it's swerving

and crashing and you're just like, oh my god, oh my god. I did it. I did it. I finally got him. And Alfred was driving

at that time. You've just killed your own robot. Oh no, I've killed my brother. And that's when you get a gritty reboot. That's when I get

a gritty reboot, yes. You're like, I need to be more powerful penny man oh then you can take alfred's legs he's dead i try to do cry but all these legs want to do is bottle it's become batman's butler like he's disgruntled butler like his butler but you're kind of working against him so he comes back and he's like pennyworth i need you to do my stitches and you're like well i've got to make dinner batman well you do it you're just kind of secretly spitting on the needle to try and get him infected pennyworth i noticed the batmobile was only half full. I had to stop and fill up. Oh, I don't know what that's about, Batman. I have to go.

Pennyworth, I like my eggs runny. These are well done. You know the best thing? If we did a team up, you've got butlering skills. I'm meat and you're a cook. We could be like, hey, we're caterers. And Batman just like takes a bit of the beef and he's like, this tastes like one of my villains cooked by another one of my villains

served up by another one of my villains. I like that when we're wrong. In my mind, it was a catering thing. And the way we've done it is just send an invitation to the Batcave that was like, Batman, dinner in your honor. Flawless. I think that's a good team-up. I think that's a good team-up.

What are we, Hell's Kitchen? Hell's Kitchen? Our kitchen rules? What's, like, the shitty part of Gotham? Like, the shitty, shitty Bloodhaven? Yeah, I think it's Blood- No, Bloodhaven's another city. Oh, I thought it was- I think Crime Alley is, like, the worst bit. Metropolis? gotham like the shitty shitty blood haven yeah i think it's no blood haven's another city oh i

think crime alley is like the worst bit metropolis blood havens where nightwing yeah yeah batman's like yeah you can't really have gotham but blood haven i don't pay attention uh i'm thinking like like alliteration gotham gourmet oh like that. Gotham Gourmet's trio. Done. The Gotham Gourmet gang. Yeah, the Gotham Gourmet gang. Three Gs. We're going to be laughed out of. We're going to be like, is that that guy who's on fire?

That beef dude? And that guy doesn't really have any powers and is just in a wheelchair. The scarecrow would be just mocking Dr. Freeze. Your son's a piece of shit. He's become a gourmet chef. He's still a villain. I feel like that in that instance i'd be really like reluctant like mr freeze has been like you need some hobbies i'm

like like come i just want to play video games and set things on fire it's like well maybe maybe a chef are you fucking kidding me seriously don't speak to your father like look i've had a chat with mr with mr dr b dr beef he's happy to take you in as an apprentice. Oh, God. He's bored. Cook him. And we've got, you know, old Pennylegs over there. Old Pennylegs.

He's a butler or has a butler's legs. That's just as good. Are they encased in copper? Of course. Did you encase Alfred's legs in penny... Penny's made of copper? I imagine that you had Alfred's legs, but, like, you had,fred's legs but like you had like

a penny belt that held them on awesome it can be both you can have like a wrist thing that shot pennies out yeah at high velocity yes because i feel like that'd damage that's what i somewhat that's what i do to be the fucking batmobile yeah i like that we're still attacking batman but you're just wrecking your shit like he's he's going to come home and the Batcomputer's just got a big... He just opens up the disk drive of the Batcomputer, just pennies fall out. God damn. You're basically trying to drive Batman insane.

Yeah. Like, he goes to bed, pulls out, like, you know, pulls over the duvet, his bed's just littered with pennies. I like that you're, like, in your head. You can get into the Wayne Manor like no problem, even though it's not wheelchair accessible. Oh, that's right. It's huge.

You just Batman and come home and you'd be at the bottom of the stairs like... Come on, Alfred, help me. Push me up. Push me up. I'm your brother. Your baby brother. Batman will be over any second now.

I like to imagine that Batman will come home and you've clearly tried to wheel up the stairs and your wheelchair you're just like lying on your back wheels up in the air he'll be like the scarred wheelchair and me just like halfway up to like the way man is like giant staircase we'll get you yet Bruce Batman just walks

past you up does some stuff comes back down goes out again he's like do you need some help I can do it myself but it would be nice if you could just give me some tips I'll just take you up to the top does some stuff, comes back down, goes out again. He's like, do you need some help? I can do it myself, but it would be nice if you could just give me some tips. I'll just take you up to the top. I don't mind. It's just pennies. If anything, this is free money.

Thank you, Batman. He's like, hug his neck as he lifts me. You're a sad villain, Samit. And I like that in our gritty reboots, got gritty and yours you just got legs so you become more of a well-adjusted well alfred dies in your gritty reboot so that's true you kill your own butler yeah you kill your own brother that's pretty hardcore but then the outcomes are not so yeah you're just a new butler you're not even trying to assassinate him he's just hassling his business he's like, would you

like a cup of tea, Bruce? Yes, I will. No sugar. Put two in this. He's like, is there sugar in this? Yes. I'll bake you another one. Good. Was there sugar in this? Yes. How many? One. Alright.

Yes. That's a win for me. At least you don't get sent to Arkham. That's true. We probably do. Well, I could burn Arkham to the ground. Well, I feel like Mr. Freeze could freeze Arkham to the ground and he doesn't. So there'd be like constant extinguishers in your little jail cell.

Hey, like, don't get me wrong. We'll chuff out. Oh, yeah. We'll get out. That's all right. It's Arkham. It's just rotating door policy. I'll have just like a beef cell.

That'll be cool. Like a beef bed and a beef chair. And I'll. I'll have just like a beef cell. That'll be cool. Like a beef bed and a beef chair and I'll write with a beef pen and a beef diary. Everyone will be like, he's not writing anything. Write with blood. I'm a gross villain. I'm probably the sickest out of all of us, just saying.

Yeah, I think even though we put you at the start, you still made the best villain. And even though we put you at the end, I mean, you were a good villain, you just weren't very effective. I think I was the one that hassled Batman the most. I don't know, I think burning his entire city to the ground is... Yeah, but if you succeed,

and of course you don't, because it's Batman. You also don't succeed in hassling, because it's Batman. I do, because he's just gonna... Basically, maybe he's got... On his spreadsheet of expenditures, he's now just gonna put up a column Pennylegs to sort him out and because you're only hassling him

and like a 2 out of 10 he's never going to fight you also I'm a cripple I don't want to punch a cripple in the face I'm friends with a cripple too hey you could hook up with Oracle wait you think Oracle's just going to give it up for old Pennylegs no

she'll probably be like get the fuck away from me. I'll be like, hey Oracle! Hey Oracle, I'm a cripple, you're a cripple. Aye? Maybe the most offensive thing I've ever heard. Have some self-respect. Oh, I just got this idea from the eternal flame. He said it might...

Did we just fuck him over? Yup. When I called my business, we're we're like hey here's a funny idea while we were in arkham because he actually committed crime yeah exactly we're like hey this would be really funny because that he's he's not in here maybe we can just get him arrested for the sexually harassing the article he doesn't seem to have that many great social skills let's just give him bad advice all right all right to to finish it off what is like your greatest crime like your we know when bane broke batman's back what's your equivalent of that i feel like that

i succeed in burning down wayne manor yeah mine was going to be turning Wayne Manor into a beef-a-quill. So Batman just opens up the cave and he's just like, oh my god! I ruined his bat car. You slightly dented his car. I know, you killed Alfred! I killed Alfred. Oh my god, yeah! That was just part of your thing! That was kind of an accident.

It was an accident. You were responsible for Alfred's death. I was responsible for killing Alfred, which I think would affect... I think Batman might just punch you in the face. That was his father figure. I'm his brother though. We have the same face! Come on, please!

Am I Alfred's twin brother? So that I could cover it up? You're like 20 years younger. Younger brother. Granted, a minute younger. Therefore I'd have to cover up the crime. Oh god, an infiltrator. So, I end up with a beef palace somewhere doucher ends up with an awkward relationship with mr free and you end up living

the rest of your life pretending to be alfred hoping just hoping batman never finds out or else you will kill me you will get. Well. I get a wage. That's nice. Yeah, I guess we don't. I don't even really know what my end goal is. I feel like I probably get a... Well, you're probably

robbing banks. I'm also probably getting pocket money. Yeah. Mr. Freeze. Mr. Change. Oh, there you go. Yeah.

No, you fucked up. Too bad, Penny likes. Rat. On that note, I've been the Eternal Flame slash The Fireman. I've been Dr. Beef slash Chargrill. And I've been Pennyworth and then Penny Legs. Fuck, I love the 90s. It's so gritty.

I'm going to go burn something down. I'm going to go beef something down. And just chuck pennies at the Batmobile. Good. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sandspantsradio.com.