Plumbing the Death Star - What is Your Ideal Fallout Vault? (Feat. Adam)

Episode Date: July 17, 2016

In which our heroes play the roles of Vault-Tec employees, working on contract for the military. We run for cover as the bombs fall around us, seal the vault doors behind us and figure out who we want as our Overseer. Jackson creates the council of clowns, Zammit just does The Village from M. Night Shyamalan and Adam just wants to make a very racist, but efficient, vault. So join the gang as they aid the US government with evil experiments. Want to break one of God's commandments? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can get your brain put into a dogs body. And want to watch us play Fallout 4? Head to http://www.sanspantsradio.com/adam-falls-out/! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Peloton all- Call yourself a runner. Peloton all access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. SensePens Radio constantly suffering. Hey everyone, just want to let you know that Jackson was on the latest episode of Cynical Cartoon to chat with our good mate Tyler about the real Ghostbusters. You can check that out on iTunes, Stitcher or head over to futurehorsepod.com to give that a listen. And if you like us talking about Fallout, why not watch our Fallout 4 Let's Play, Adam Falls Out. You can find it on YouTube or our website, sanspantsradio.com. Now, enjoy the show. Hey everybody, and welcome

to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star where we ask the important questions like what is your ideal Fallout vault? Okay so by ideal I mean that we are playing the roles of Vault-Tec employees Contracted by the military Contracted by the military. Contracted by the military. We're all idiots. I think we've already just ticked their boxes of what's required as an employee.

Speak for yourself. Thank you very much. No, actually. Hold on. Fair enough. And the CEO of Vault-Tec has been like, Zamit, you get Vault 222. Give me three.

No, 222, you can try out a couple different ones. You get vault... Eight. Eight. And I'll take vault 69. What is your experiment going to be about? It's not sexual. How do sexual positions affect?

Okay, so... Hey, both. I've got a couple of social experiments for Vault 69. The first one. Okay, so we put a thousand people of all different ages and genders and races in there. And the only difference is that if you make a transgression against the rules, we take your brain and we put it in the body of a dog. And we put it in the body of a dog.

So that's what, and you are a dog that can't talk and just walk around as a dog. That's the punishment for transgressions against the vault and our laws. Annoyingly, like, I can't even find a scientific flaw within the Fallout universe because there is dog, like, brain things in the Fallout games. Yeah, it happens. People are swapping brains willy-nilly in Fallout. So how do you reckon this vault would survive? What are the transgressions? Transgressions.

Don't kill. Okay. I yelled that super loud. Ten commandments from the Bible. Yeah. Welcome to Jackson Bailey's biblical dog vault. How the hell are they going to tell if you've covered your neighbor's wife? Every week and.

You fill out a survey. So they're relying on self-reporting? That's not going to work. What if they don't tell? Do you tell people what happens? No. Everybody just gets a dog. Jackson, that's so fucked up so you're like your dad uh he maybe does a dirty on your mom and he cheats cheats with

the next door neighbor in their vault room yep and then dad disappears and then the overseer is like hey here's a little like poodle i thought like we all start off with dogs what like as if we all start off with a dog and then everyone's like oh cool this is a dog vault i guess they're experimenting on us for being like okay it's a bunch of they don't know it's experiments oh well we just get dogs as like sweet bonus and then suddenly like your dad is dirty and like you know teach you the then suddenly it's like those two disappear and your dog is taken for a bit and they get your dog back but it's dirty and like you know teach you the then suddenly it's like those two disappear and your dog is taken for a bit and they get your dog back but it's a little bit off it's a little bit off sometimes it whimpers you don't know why it's very obvious when they put a brain it's like a big

glass jar on the dog's head it's like what did they do we perfected dog brain man so he just covered a little bit with now you like tell them a lie like, I don't know, the dog got sick or something. And this is you fixing it, I guess. Then suddenly all the dogs keep popping up with brains like, what? What are you going to do with the missing people? That is also a thing. If you don't tell them what you're doing, they're going to be like, where's dad? And why did the dog get suddenly sick? I feel like, I don't tell them what you're doing, they're going to be like, where's dad? And why did the dog get suddenly sick?

I feel like, I don't know. And why do I feel like my dog is trying to tell me something? Occasionally my dog will put his face... Because you are still... You're you, but you're a dog. You're going to try and... You can spell words

out still. If you're a dog and you make a transgression, we put your brain in a rat. I was going to try it. You can spell words out still. If you're a dog and you make a transgression, we put your brain in a rat. I was going to say... I don't think that will work. What do you do with the old dog brain? Do you put that back in Dad's brain? Like Dad's body?

No, we collect them, and that's what powers our thinking machines. No, we just throw them in an internet. Because I was going to say, you could just do a little bit of a Freaky Friday brain switch switch but then i think my ruse will be super quick when dad and the dog disappear and they come back and the dad's like the kid's like oh my god but then would a dog brain in a human body bark or would it try to use its language centers to start speaking?

No, hello, bone. That's what you're going to get. Does a dog have like a voice box? I don't know. Like how we can, you know, I think so, because a dog can make different volumes. I don't know if that's the same thing. Sure it is. Might as well be. Anyway, I'm not

swapping them. The language centers of a dog's brain them We throw the dad's body and the dog's brain In the incinerator So he did the experiment Just to throw in the incinerator The experiment's the dog The dog He said you put the dog brain In the dad's body

And you throw in the incinerator Why did you do that instead? We take the dog, the dad brain. No. The dog brain. You take the dad brain. And the dad body. Not together. We shovel them both into the

incinerator. Okay. Fair enough. I think what's going to eventually happen is I'm going to have old dogs. Of course. Well, duh, Jackson. What did you think was gonna happen because the biblical commandments everybody makes a transgression oh my god yeah now you know i cannot tell you how many times i've killed also if you start my god am i not gonna stop you can put surveillance cameras there yeah yeah that's true so then you don't even need to How fucked up to imagine You go into this vault

200 years later As the protagonist of Our Fallout game Where these vaults Fallout 5 Fallout 5 And you're like walking through And you enter into like the main dining hall

And there's just like a big Jesus On a cross Like on one of the walls And you're like What in the name of God And then you just hear like a Huff huff Thousands of dogs Where do you get the

dogs from? We have a machine. You'd have to breed them, I guess. We breed the dogs in another secret side of the vault that nobody else can find. You don't need to hide that if you're like, every family gets a dog. You're hiding the wrong things. You put the

dad brain within the dog in public and you're hiding the wrong thing. You put the dad brain within the dog in public and you're hiding dog bones. You need to switch that fucking script, Jackson, son of a bitch. Yeah, how do you basically get rid... What's a lie that you tell the people that dad's going away? I say...

Or mom, because in this scenario... Or brother or sister but in this scenario if dad is a dirty and sleeps with the neighbour is she also in trouble or he no yeah she is

she or he is also in a dog now alright so if we want to act you've got two dogs alright good and what happens I mean I wouldn't have to do anything

because I've just made the fault I'm not there but if I were also overseer I would come in and I would maybe spread a lie that there was like a mystery illness and that just sometimes you might die of the illness make up some bullshit about radiation yeah i'd be like unfortunately universe yeah unfortunately

the the vault hasn't closed quite properly the seal's just a little bit broken and so some of you more susceptible to radiation will perish. But don't worry because you get a dog. That's the upside there. You're then also tied into like the religious commandments because you're like clearly... No, but yeah,

fuck the radiation. It's God's punishment. Yeah, God's punishment. Yeah, select religious people. Yeah, exactly. When dad dies and thing dies, I'll be like,

they committed the sin of adultery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And God punished them. Clearly God is punishing you for that. He plucked them from this earth and took them up to hell. And gave you a dog. And gave you a dog. Ta-da!

You have a very well-behaved Vault-Tec staff in that vault. You would also... Yeah, going along with this for no real reason. Yeah, why did the government want this? Just to see if we could do it so we could upgrade it They are going along with this for no real reason. Yeah, why did the government want this? Just to see if we could do it so we could upgrade it to bigger, more powerful animals. If it works on dogs, it'll work on gorillas and rhinos or whatever. And elephants.

And elephants. And we could create an unwilling army of gorillas. Let's take people who are mad at us, give stronger bodies But the same level of intelligence I feel that there's a better animal If you're going to tie it in with religion Maybe a snake? No, but I don't want to give everyone a snake The human brain isn't going to change size Yeah, it's got to fit in a dog

It's got to fit in a dog of... I was thinking Jack Russell's Like a Labrador But a Labrador could attack. True, I didn't even think of that. All dogs can attack. Hey, don't count his guns. You put the brain into the dog

and you're like, right fucking Larry or whatever. You've sinned. That's against God. This is God's punishment. And if you try to fight that's against god this is god's punishment and if you try to fight god's punishment we'll put your son's brain into a talk as well i'm loving the idea of the like you come into the vault 200 years later in fallout 5 and this guy walks up to you in like the vault tech suit and he's like welcome and you're like oh who's the duck he's like my

father you're like i don't know what it's like He's like, my father. You're like, I don't know. What the fuck's going on? It's like a big fucking statue of Jesus on the cross. And then also like a lot of rolled up newspapers. Exactly. It's like, no dad. No dad. Bad. That's a bad dad.

How long do you reckon it would take? How many years until everyone was dogs? If you sort of like... If you design the vault, two. We're starting with a thousand people. Two thousand people, two thousand dogs in two years. I would think if... Oh, you know something so fucked up?

Go on. Oh, something else that's so fucked up. So say you are a husband and wife. And you both become dogs Through you coveting oxes Worshipping another god And then you're like I love you And you love me and we still want to show physical love for each other

Then you have sex And then she gives birth To actual dog babies You mean puppies Yeah but like They're not her kids They're not her kids they're not her kids they're just puppies jackson do not say that about us but you would love them like your own kids so actually when you come into

the vault it's just gonna be dogs oh my god it's not even like i still love you physically like the brain is a human but the body is a dog you go into heat oh my god what if someone else is fucking you what oh boy well you know what that means that means you get put into the next animal rats is there other dogs lying around what do you mean like what if like dogs without human brains yeah well they would and what if you go into heat and then just some other random dog fucks you it's not good in my fault and we keep them separate all right because that's so funny but originally the the original generation of dogs people will die out because of course eventually there'll be nobody left to put the brains in oh no so i keep getting deeper because once the dog bodies die,

just put them in the next generation. Are you keeping these people alive? Yeah, why not? Hang on. Well, you literally just said. Wait, what did you just come up with? So you've been put Joel Zammett and Adam Cannavale. Yes.

You're into golden retrievers. Yes. You're like, this is rough. You don't even need to do that. When you make the robot dog, Rex from Fallout New Vegas, he's been alive since before the war. It is. A robot dog lasts forever. Okay. So yeah, put his dog in a chihuahua.

Well, what I was going to say is that when that dog body's dying and you're like, sick, the sweet release of death. Yeah. We're like, pluck, put you in the kids you just had. Oh no. you live another dog life you don't even need to do that the the only problem with rex was like his brain was starting to go a little the only thing that's going to the only the only reason that this like a dog will die yeah is when the brain just starts deteriorating too much i was also gonna say utopia once you

have like 200 years as a dog but once you have you're moving once you're putting getting rid of the person yeah and you're just having a bunch of dogs yeah dogs aren't exactly the most dexterous creatures what's going to happen then when they're hungry when you're hungry and you're like everyone's a fucking dog are you saying we start to eat eat the dogs? What's happening? What's going to happen Because you can't open a door You can't open a can

You can't reach up to that little switch thing That opens the doors That's true The dogs could probably get on their hind legs Everyone's a dog You still got the scientists Who are putting the brain in the dog. The Vault-Tec personnel, I guess. Or robots

is probably easier. Less morale. Oh, you know what's really fucked up? If you use robots, you're gonna need one of the robo-brains. A human brain in a robot as well is running this show. What a horror show. What an absolute horror show. This sounds like a fresh goddamn hell.

Vault 69. You'd come across it. You'd be like trudging through the wasteland. You'd be like, Vault 69. This is going to be a sexy vault. You'd open it up and you'd be like, this is a terrible vault. What happened here?

Did you pick 69 because of doggy style? No, that's not 69. No, alas. But that would have been good. I picked 69 because out a funny. That's only experiment number one anyway, but I'll let somebody else take over if we're quite done with the biblical dog vault.

My experiment, because I like language. I do. I like the idea of how language evolves. I can't wait to hear the fucked up experiment you got. And I think I've raised this in the plumbing aside before, but what I would like to do, because we can request people, yeah? Yeah, you can specify.

Deaf. I just want deaf people. Okay. Preferably illiterate, but mostly just... Illiterate deaf. Just deaf. So they can't hear. So what I want to do is just have like a thousand deaf people.

Okay. Oh man, it'd be so silent and creepy. So a thousand deaf people. No man be so silent and creepy no fucking implants none of that shit and then i want to wait for them to have kids because if they and also this is where i want them to be illiterate and maybe kind of just see how long it takes language to disappear from this vault but then also to reappear as something different well Well, you would have to try and get deaf people that didn't know sign language. Yes. Because otherwise you're just going to get

like a super advanced form of sign language. That's true. Down the track. I don't know if you can find deaf people who don't know sign language. Like not enough, surely. Well, you just have people that I can cut off their hands. Well, damn it.

That also... Don't concern turn i think you're another vault that's going to not want not to have vault personnel like robots well you you put me a problem and i had to find a very quick solution you could have been like yes you just you just put like the kubosh on teaching sign language okay or you wait for them to have kids and then kill the parents then the kids grow up deaf because apparently it's genetic yeah i know but that's what that's what you did no because if they're if they're having kids and they're all the parentals and all the people around them they're not talking because they don't need to because they're deaf right yeah the language of choice would be sign i guess yeah

that's true so they're like the kids because they wouldn't even to, because they're deaf, right? Yeah, the language of choice would be sign, I guess. Yeah, that's true. So, like, the kids, because they wouldn't even pick it up subconsciously, because there's no one really talking a lot. That's a good point. So, that's what I'm trying to wipe out. I'm trying to wipe out language and start it again and see what happens. It'd be really fucked once all the deaf people die out, and all the people who can, like, hear, maybe still using sign... They might reinvent, like, you might reinvent like you were saying,

reinvent talking language. Or they might just stick with sign language. Imagine just the sound of hand movement. I don't know if you can hear that. Hand movements and the occasional smack of a pop blocker. That's all you'd hear all the time. It's just different hand movements.

And also, I'd be curious to see what the effect on literally zero spoken language has on kids. Well, I'd be curious to see what the effect on literally zero spoken language has on kids. Well, I feel like... I don't think they'd do that one, though, because it'd be super hard to animate in the game. How do they get an education, though? I guess they could read

it, but you wanted them to be illiterate. Yeah. I kind of don't want them to have an education. That's going to be very strange. You're going to end up with a very strange Collection of people In 200 years you're going to come into like a vault I don't even know what they'd do Because they would have to create their own

That'd be a fucking eerie vault You get in there and it's completely quiet Yeah And also like because You as a human You want to create like a meaning Or a story to the world around you. But if you've got no education and you've got nobody telling you what's going on, in 200 years, you're going to get a group of people who are like,

this is the world inside here, or they're signing. This is the world. Here in this vault. And also, because, you know, when deaf people talk and they have that very distinct i want to do it but if i think if i if i did it it's gonna probably be very insulting yeah it's hard to but they'd have that your vault might be filled with insane people because you know what happens when there's no noise the reactor is probably gonna be super loud and can you imagine like like for your entire life

you either filter that out or it drives you mad or so you've got like this vault of deaf people nobody's talked for 200 years and then you as the the protagonist i know what you're about to say yeah open up the door and noise comes in the ears would be so sensitive. Not just noise. And you say hello. And you look like them. But you're talking so raw. But you're using mouth words. Fuck. Would they attack you?

Probably. Probably. That sort of shit, that's such an alien experience. Never having heard things that loud or whatever. And also being terrified of believing that the world you live in, the tiny enclosed space, is reality. And having somebody open it up and say a noise at you.

Because I'm being so curious because babies, they burble, they gurgle, they cry. So they make sounds. Oh, that's true. But they tend to imitate language around them as well. So it'd be just an interesting little experiment. Hang on. What are the basic background noises of a vault? Well, the reactor would be the most loud.

What else you got? There might be like the water purifier. Yeah, the doors. Would they end up just emulating those noises? Emulating things around them. Because that's what babies do. They emulate like you think about on a pier kind of thing. There's kids that were raised by wolves. They growl.

Like, you know. So would you just go into the vault and you're like, hello, and they're like... Oh, fuck. Just everyone in the vault going around. Oh, god. That'd be the kind of vault that maybe they wouldn't be hostile, but you'd just be like, I'm just gonna kill them all.

Just eye some real good. They'll be better off dead. Why does the government want this? Mine made sense for the military. Guerrilla man. Sure. Good. It's okay if it doesn't make a lot of sense.

I understand. I'm working out any kind of sense. I guess to try and understand language and also then to understand how language develops in the enemy. Sure. That makes sense. That's good enough. You could have been like, to develop the ultimate silent killer. Yeah, I'm a Vault-Tec operator.

Thumbs up for this. Ah, good. Vault 222 is a terrifying silent nightmare or it's a lot of people going both of those are terrifying i'm gonna massacre that bolt when i find oh my god me too i'm gonna if i can blow it up oh no my poor my poor deaf people their parents how scary because they've had to create like a belief system or a just like an understanding of the world to have like one wall of the vault has like all of these like pictograms on it and they have like the the original vault dwellers and like just none of them have hands in the picture like on the wall they're all just like ending in stumps and then like

next down the kids have hands and I forgot I you took their hands didn't I you did take their hands I guess there has to be the element of killing them off pretty early on in the child development so they don't teach them anything like that we need

so there's going to have to be a bit of that oh radiation poisoning you don't even eat with their kids you don't have to fucking lie yeah you don't

you just have to keep them alive that's true through robots or Vault-Tec employees or whatever you know it'd be kind of fucking

interesting in that vault you're like going through the vault or whatever you get into maybe like the armory you open the door and there's like you know batons or whatever like uh maybe some security armor some batons stuff like that and then there's this massive welded plate where you're like half of this armory has just been sealed away and you like break it off and on this other half it's like piled all of the weapons oh all of the guns because fuck you would not if you lived like if fuck imagine that loud noise inside hearing for so long yeah you would just seal the guns or everybody be fighting you with knives. Yeah. So silently. So quiet. Terrifying.

Oh, imagine they're like fighting you. They like swing and they're like screaming at you and then get confused when you don't like hold your ears or whatever. Exactly. They make a loud noise and you're like, what? What the hell? I don't care.

I don't give a shit. One of them's got an air horn. They all like evacuate. Yes. That sounds like that would be the quest One of them's got an air horn. They all evacuate. That sounds like that would be the quest of that particular vault. You need something in the middle of it. You've got to turn on the alarm system so that they all just scatter or die.

That'd be good. They would hate it. Oh, man. That's awesome. How about you, Adam? Vault 8. Vault 222. Vault vault eight needs a couple different things it needs a sample of every known like virus and disease all right it needs a single just one uh no wait two two copies of every different weapon used by the u.s military and it needs 500 chinese americans and 500 like uh just you know i don't want to say pure bread but like like americans americans who

have no ethnicity other than americans yeah good so you put them They all have fucking One separated room each And then I test to see With each of the weapons and diseases Which ones are better at killing Chinese than they are at killing Americans Well, you know what I mean

They're all Americans So you have two rooms So you can see into these two rooms What the hell is going on? And you have a disease that you pump into both rooms So I have a bunch of different rooms that are separated, right? And I put an American American in one And a Chinese American in the other

And then maybe, like, one of them is a disease I test the disease See who it kills first. Next one is like a virus. Theater kills first. Like a 10mm pistol. See who it kills first. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Just see which weapons

are more effective at killing people of Chinese descent than they are of American. But they're just both people. Why Chinese? Oh, sorry. America's biggest competition before the bombs fall is China. Is Adam just super racist right now?

Should have clarified, yes. Nuclear fallout war. The was between america and china and china the war was between america and china where's that swastika tattoo on you on you right here i see it's very clearly okay man that must have sounded really it really did It's amazing Very concerned But now you understand why the US military Might want to know this And I seem less like a weirdo

Right? You fucking shut up You can't talk I put men in dogs It's fine You cut a generation of people's hands off That's true I stopped a whole group of people's hands off That's true I stopped a whole group of people

Being able to communicate Adam that's not going to survive Terribly long That's not really a survival vault Cloning is a thing Well that's true I guess But it's surely There are a lot of diseases

I'm going to need a lot of people yeah no that's fair enough sure surely that we know as people that a knife kills all of us the same like not but maybe there's something about um a chinese ancestry that makes you either more resistant or less resistant to a knife i feel like when that was pitched to like Vault-Taxi, they were like, yeah, sure thing. Sick. I just approved a dog Vault-Taxi. Do you see that dog Bible

Vault? I'm quitting the morgue. Have the funding. Go fucking nuts. Whatever. Got my ticket for Vault-Taxi. Whatever, Joe. It's a vault just for the deaf It'll be a paradise Oh

Signing It's a vault just for me I'm so excited The worst part about Adam's vault Is that moment where you You'd be lining up next to a whole bunch of like Chinese Americans and you'd be looking at each other And you'd be like, okay

The fuck is this? And you know in this world that the Chinese and the Americans They're like the enemy Yeah So you'd be sus There would probably be some racism as they're lining up That's why my vault security has to be very well armed. For a second, Adam, I thought you were going to pitch a vault

where you did a miniature Cold War. Oh! Fuck! I fucked up! Can I change mine? How cool to have you split it down the middle. Stick to my guns. This is vault 18. No, but vault 18.

You can do a Cold War. Yeah, exactly. No, but Vault 18. Oh, yeah. You can do a Cold War. Yeah, exactly. Fuck, that's a good... That's a joint Vault, we'll say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jackson came up with it, but I'll take that. This is like Vault 8A. Yeah, exactly.

Well, you can just... Just below my vault. Because you can have that one where you're doing the testing, and then you take it into practice. Oh, below. Yeah, that's good. That's good. I like that. There you go. Because then you can have that while you're doing the testing and then you take it into practice. Below. Yeah, that's good. That's good. I like that.

There you go. Because then you can be like, all right, good. For some reason, this virus works better against Americans. So we give our Chinese-American soldiers. I'm sure you find like even if it was just an error in testing, sometimes something would be more effective. You just like get one more resilient guy. Do you guys know that like Chinese- Americans are resilient to knife stabs?

Yeah, you just get one guy who's like a little bit more muscly so the knife doesn't kill him quite as quick. The funny part about the weapons would be like you got to shoot him, like you got to go through, like shoot him in the head first, shoot him in an arm, shoot him in the liver. It's going to take a long time. I need a lot of time. Well, I I mean I guess

I mean yeah I suppose You will Look he's putting human brains in dogs I'm fucking up the deaf pretty badly But you're a monster Adam At least I'm putting anyone's brain in dogs I'm not choosing. My one is important for the war effort, guys.

But it's going to be like, of every disease and every weapon, the war will be over when you're done. You come out and you'll be like, this is... That's a shame. You don't know that. That's true. I don't. We don't, I guess.

How sealed are the rooms? What's the chance of escape is what I want to know. Because it's Vault-Tec. Well, you know, I can't plan for everything. I'll try to equip and arm my people as well as possible, but something could happen. How great to come into that vault in Fallout 5 and you walk in and it's just like this beautiful unified like the chinese americans that'd be so americans were like yeah

they pit they they fucked up they wouldn't even be chinese and americans they'd be like um just like a perfect mixture mix yeah they'd be like unless although to be fair in my defense if i am shooting injecting them like burning them stuff like, I don't know how well they're going to be able to fight. After you're shot, you're like, okay, I guess I'll try to start an uprising. I'll try, but I'm hurting. I mean, it's possible. My liver's not great right now. But anyone who uprises is probably going to die eventually.

Is your fault just going to be deserted? Maybe. I think, I would hope so. Yeah, maybe. Three outcomes. Deserted, utopia, still testing when you get in there. You're just like walking down the hall, you have a look, you're like, okay,

you're showing your shot to the arm, shot to the leg, you're like, how far does this go? My game is going to like check to see what, like what your character most looks like. And the Vault-Tec security is going to be like, well, you're getting in a chamber, aren't you? Then you're going to fight your way out.

That sounds amazing. It's just terrible. We are terrible people. Hey, we're Vault-Tec. We do what we like. I don't know what Vault-Tec's catchphrase is. Vault-Tec. Prepared for the future.

Okay. Vault-Tec is a shrug. Vault-Tec. Prepared for the future. Okay. That's the big Vault-Tec. There's a shrug. Vault-Tec. Prepared for the future. This is worth. Vault-Tec. Worth.

All right. Jack, do you have any? Okay. So I have another one. So let's go to Vault, I don't know, 83. I'll go Vault 69. I'll go to Vault 70. All right.

Vault 70. Okay. I'll go up. They gave me 69 to say 71 Vault 70 so we get just whatever, again a thousand random people of all kinds

no weapons whatsoever everything is like safety you know what I mean, so we're talking plastic knives rubber knives, whatever you can't make a weapon out of them except for ten people who are the law and they're all dressed like clowns And everybody from birth

Is conditioned to fear clowns What am I testing? I don't know You have fear of clowns? Yeah 990 people who are afraid of clowns. I could almost believe it as an experiment if you didn't do the conditioning to be afraid of clowns. It's like, well, if we dressed our soldiers as clowns, how effective would they be?

That's true. All right, fuck the conditioning. But they get all the weapons and absolute total authority. The council of clowns. The clown-sel of clowns. No, just the high clown-sels no just the high clown-soul the high clown-soul is beautiful absolute authority

access to all weapons they can make any decision they're like a medieval king how does my vault do? ask me questions I'm happy to field any questions from the press about Vault 70 what if there's an uprising of the people?

the clown what with their puny fists? They have puny fists. Are the clowns Vault-Tec employees? No. They're just people? They're just people. And they run the vault, not an overseer? No. You failed right there. I deny your application.

Dang it! How do you select the ten clowns? Whoever's the funniest We put them through several clown pratfalls And whoever looks the funniest With like a pie on their face Who's determining this after clowns die inevitably? Like just old age

We'll get to uprisings later I'm guessing There's only ten When the high clowns all dies Just old age. I'm not necessarily... We'll get to uprisings later. I'm guessing... Well, when the 10... There's only 10? Yeah, when the high clouncil dies... I'm guessing when one dies... A new high clouncil is elected.

Like, you have to wait for all of them to die? Yeah. What? Really? So eventually there's going to be like one or two... Yeah, of the high clouncil. Wouldn't it be better... They fight.

They fight for power. I said, wouldn't it be better if one dies, another one is chosen? No, but then you get one powerful clown. No, but then you get one powerful clown. No, that way you get one powerful. No, because then it's going to be like one or two people left and they have all the weapons and one of them's like, if I kill that other fucker I'm the only one. Oh, you're right. That's how it

happens. You want the other way around. As a clown dies, a new clown takes its place. Determined on comedic slapsticity. Who marks that? The people of the vault. So they get to elect, basically. Based on...

That's not so bad. But the thing is, your leader, it's not about who's the smartest. It's not about who's the most powerful. It's not about who's doing the right decision. Who looks the funniest doing somersault? Who's going to do the best comedy decisions? So you'd have a whole society. I don't think there's an uprising.

No, everyone's having fun. Yeah, I think it's all right. It's an all right time. But it's not like clever comedy. I know. No, I don't even like, I think fucking what's going to happen is people are going to be like, oh, yes, he was very funny. Also, he'd be a good leader. That's a good point.

People might start voting for that. That's why you need Vault security to be like, no, who's the funniest? Okay, here's what I do. I get one single robo brain. That robo brain has had inputted from me, the designer of this Vault. No, because then they're going to kill the robo brain. He's protected. He's in a special box somewhere.

Okay, okay. I'll accept that. And he's been given like the 10 tenets of of slapsticity comedy that I think a clown does. And so

whoever they elect is then checked against those tenets and allowed in. So hey, if you've got a great leader who is also great at getting a pie in the face great at doing somersaults can fit in a tiny car with lots of other clowns can do can fall over real good get water on his head etc. Great at getting a pie in the face. Great at doing somersaults. Can fit in a tiny car with lots of other clowns.

Can fall over real good, get water on his head, et cetera. I'm not going to go through all 10 because I'm running low. Can fit into a tiny car. It's okay. I wasn't counting. Then they get elected. So there's a kind of safety net. I think, honestly, people honestly, it's not going to... People probably won't uprise. People are going to be like, we're having a fun time.

That doesn't sound too bad. I mean, you know what you're saying? It's not clever comedy, but at the same time, it's like, well, it's something. I suppose it's entertainment. It's entertainment. The first 10 might be a little rough, but beyond that, I think it's going to be okay. I think that's actually a pretty good vault. Like, no trauma is going to happen.

All right. But you're also giving ultimate power to 10 people. Yes. Well, ultimate power... It's not ultimate power if it's gonna happen. Alright! But you're also giving ultimate power to ten people. Yes. Well, ultimate power... It's not ultimate power if it's ten people. It's ultimate power if it's one person. Okay, well you're spreading ultimate power over ten people. Yes, but they're entertainers.

Yeah. So... You're saying entertainers are uncorruptible? No, but I'm saying they're not as, say, like, uncorruptible as, you but I'm saying they're not as uncorruptible as a politician. I suppose so. I suppose that you're more likely for them to make nice decisions. The only thing he's measuring

for is how good they are at clowns. That doesn't make them an alcoholic sadist. But if you're bloody good at some of those, you're up there. Get ready to like get stabbed by a clown

I think if he had like five or less it might get a little rough but with ten people I feel so spread out it's doing alright the clownsle you know

I guess it polices itself I feel Jackson made a utopia yes who watches the clownsleman clownsleman six clown clown city bitch Who watches the Clownsman Clownsman 6

Clown Clown City So I think it's not a terrible one I think it's alright The High Clownsman I'm happy with it I love the ones we've mentioned so far So Vault 89

What I want Is to say out of 1000 people So I want 500 people who are ikea workers and uh 500 people who are ikea furniture designers all right and i just want to see or and just like maybe just a bunch of flat stack material it's kind of littered throughout the um throughout the vault everything is is made from IKEA material. So, you know, with IKEA stuff, you can take it down and you can kind of, you know, do IKEA hacks and make cool shit, right? Okay.

That. So you're creating a vault. I get the IKEA designers. Yes. So is IKEA the designers and then the other half are the people who make the things? You know the people who are like, when you buy IKEA furniture and you're and you're like look i am shit can you come over and build it for me okay cool so you have those you basically have engineers at no yeah yeah kind of engineers and then like builders builders yeah and an infinite amount of time to create the most perfect ikea

furniture imaginable not sure what the military is doing with this. What if the military went out of the high clouds? Who knows? We'll never know. We'll also have a secret... All right. Vault place underneath them. Don't feel like you need to strain yourself.

It's okay. Don't worry. I'm not. That will randomly generate and release a wild black bear. Randomly generate? What?

What? Does that mean there's like a big fucking elephant? It's like you're running two experiments. I want two experiments if he gets two experiments. I'm just loving the idea of this big screen that's like you're running two experiments I want two experiments if he gets two experiments I'm just loving the idea of this big screen That's like ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding And there's like a bear with a leg coming out the shoulder

Two heads One's on it's stomach And they're like alright send it up And there's all these people dressed in like Ikea fucking armour Being like oh god Hey there's your application right there. IKEA armour.

IKEA armour. So there we go. Every so often, a bear is released into the general public. They don't know when. They don't know where. Is it still randomly generated? It's randomly, like, we have a breeding pit of bears. Oh, okay.

That we just push out. Or can we get, like, a bear brain and put it into a robo body? Yeah. You could even have, like, a rad bear. Like, a bear that's really irradiated and mutated and put it into a robo body? Yeah. You could even have like a rad bear, like a bear that's really irradiated and mutated and is huge. They're called Yao Guai. Yao Guai. I'm not sure if you're allowed that because that's after the bombs fall.

Fev bear? Yeah, you could get a fev bear. So basically, you know like when you become a big green genderless Hulk? Oh yeah. That but a bear is your option or just have a bear. I think have a bear but maybe like maybe because like I don't know how am I going to

keep so many bears alive for 200 years when you inject them with the FAD I think they actually stop aging alright cool

no but he has to keep a steady stream of bears so yeah you got a bear cloning pit it's fine there you go

a bear cloning pit we're doing a lot of cloning that just randomly clones a bear every now and again and the US military from this will learn

how to make proper armor and weapons with furniture well actually to make like easily um

creatable like on the fly because I mean that's the point of Ikea is that you can kind of like plug it together real quick no armory

they get no armory yeah and no weapons of course not because the first people armor is also a thing in an armory. Because the first people that fight a bear,

they're not going to suspect it. They're just going to be like, what, hang on, I work for IKEA. Who are you guys? Like, oh, well, we also work for IKEA. Like, oh, let's create some crazy shit. Then a bear comes. That's going to do some damage.

How, over, like, what intervals does a bear come? Randomly, mate. Roll the dice. Once a generation nah just enough time for people to be like that was weird I guess that'll never

happen again your vault's gonna probably need to be super complex as well because you're gonna want the bear to come from random directions of course

yeah it's randomly like I read a random time and of course at a random place because I don't want them like guarding a particular hovel yeah exactly because that's what will happen the first time after like that the book all right the bear comes from here let's guard it then i'll fuck them up with another bear over there

your problem might be is that it would be easier to create a barricade with ikea furniture than anything else yeah so they might i was about to say, try appeasement. That's not what they're trying to do. They might try to seal it in or something like that. That's true. Find all the holes. Yeah, you want a vault that has no doors maybe

and a lot of entrances and exits to all the different rooms. Yes. It sounds like a terrifying hell and the idea of coming there, again, fall of five, 200 years later, Yao Guai everywhere. nobody, everyone's dead,

but maybe a unique set of IKEA furniture armor, wooden armor. It's not great against guns. It's not. So how well did I go? Did I win? Six out of ten. It's worse than the clown soul But better than the bible dogs Vault nine, Adam, what are you doing?

Okay, so in vault nine Don't need to pick anyone It's just going to be like a regular vault for now So, you know, it operates as functions A thousand people come in. Uh, the first night everyone is assembled in the auditorium. Okay.

The overseer comes up and he says, uh, so from this point forward, all food, like in the cafeteria, you look to the sides and there's machines that are going to dispense food. And you need these little coins. He says,

I don't know why that to get food out of the machines. Otherwise they're not going to dispense food. And you need these little coins, he says, to get food out of the machines. Otherwise, they're not going to dispense food. Okay. And these coins are going to be our currency. Right? Okay. All right. So, he dispenses to, like, each family or something like that.

Like, depending on how many people, you get so many coins. So, like, a fair amount to keep you going for maybe a week. And then... That's it. What do you do after that? So you're giving how many coins?

I'm giving enough for a week to a thousand. So like each person gets... Say like you need one coin a day. There'll be 7,000 coins in total in the vault. And so every time you pay for something, you need a coin. And that coin

is out of circulation. Yep. How many years is 7,000 days? Someone do that math real quick. Roughly Oh gosh. Let's all grab out our calculators. I don't even know what sum I'm doing. A little less than 200.

About 150. 150 years? Roughly. Just in my head. Oh, no. 150 days. 150 days. So 700 coins.

So 7,000 coins, yeah? 7,000 coins, which is 7,000 days because a coin is worth a day. Yeah? Yeah. So divide that by 365? Yes. I'm an idiot. 19.

I don't know what math I was doing. 19 years. 19 years. So if you kill every single person in the vault but you, you got 19 years of living. Second level to this experiment. Whoa. Vault overseer goes in and he gets a little memo that says, hey, this is it.

Tell them or don't. Do whatever you want. These are the instructions, but you do what you want. So he can decide not to give them any coins. He can do whatever he wants. He and Vault Security

are the only ones aware of like what's going on how do you how do you so imagine you're the fucking overseer yeah you know what's you know what's going down i my instructions to you are to assemble everyone in the auditorium and give them the speech and give them out the coins fairly what do you do? I don't I kill them all I gotta survive Vault security is there Like maybe vault security Do I get food otherwise?

No you gotta I get my own coins too You're part of a thousand mate So are vault security Two options Kill everyone. Live for 20 years. Live for 20 years, die.

Option two, find out how to break the machines. I've tried to devise them to be unbreakable. Actually, you know what? One of the machines breaks, they all disable. Oh, God. Where's the food coming?

Is it in storage or is it like a matter creator? We don't have matter creators That's not a full out But it'd be like a storage thing But the storage thing would be inaccessible Alright, so we get one coin a day For a week

You can't make that last You can't make that last at all Alright, it's rations One person can last for 19 years If you eat once a day, you could eat... Well, one coin a day is presumably... I'm saying, like, however many coins, you have enough for a week per person.

I know, but, like, for example, for... I could eat... In desperation, you could eat three times a day. Yeah. The bare bones! Only one three course meal Of the four meals I have If I had to eat bare minimum

I would only eat three people's worth Of food a day I mean I could be rough But I could survive I could do it I mean three meals a week Yeah But Three meals a week yeah but

three meals a week you're lasting yeah like another ten yeah but you could be like because you could be we're going on rations

but it's not gonna do it it's not gonna fucking do anything there's no way there's actually just not enough food there's just hang on hold on

if you if you eat a person How much meat's that? I don't know how long Because if I have to kill everyone If I kill them one at a time Supposedly the vault's only supposed to be sealed for 20 years

So if you are the only survivor That's 19 years we worked out So that's a year of eating man flesh Or if you're fucking smart about it 20 years with the food and every now and then you substitute your diet with or you could just eat man flesh for a year exactly you have one very terrible year where do you want that year jackson one period in the 20 years do you want that year Jackson? What period in the 20 years? Do you want that at the start or the end? Because at the start

It's over and done with Yeah you're done But at the end plus at the start it's fresher Because if you kill a lot of people Also a thousand people I could not go through a thousand people in a year You don't have That's like

You're giving yourselves weird requirements This that's more than yourself's weird requirements this is like more than a person a day i can't even do today like a thousand dead people and i'd have i'd have to do it as the overseer yeah and i'd have to be like okay vault tech security we're gonna die unless we kill them all and then you gotta kill you you gotta do it as an overseer because if you do it it just a random vault member, you're not going to be able to kill everyone. You need Vault-Tec security on your side, and then you kill them off slowly and eat them.

What you could do to save yourself a lot of trouble is you could be like Vault-Tec security, hey, keep them all in the cafeteria or something like that. I'll keep the coins safe or something. You might take some doing but you could convince them that shut down the doors wait for them to stop oh yes just realized

actually like as soon as i said shut down the doors there with the no i can't eat these coins you've got the coins actually i've just got the coins i don't have to tell them yeah i just hide the coins and then whenTec, the Vault dwellers are like, what, how do we get the food? I'm like, No, but then they might just try and destroy the,

the machines. Yeah. You can't really guess. There's 7,000, no, there's 1,000 people. So, how many Vault-Tec people? It's all just 1,000.

I'm going to have a little less in my Vault or whatever. Oh, I'll say like, I don't know, 100. No, 100. 10 people, I'm not going to contain 1,000. Someone's like, how many people like, I don't know, a hundred. No, a hundred. Ten people are not going to contain a thousand.

Even with guns, they'll charge you. A hundred, a hundred Voltex staff. Okay. And then 900, 900 people. I'm going to stress on you.

You're going to have to talk to cannibalism. Yeah. Oh yeah. Obviously. At what point? At what point? And how many?

If we killed 500, like we'll see if that, we kill 500 people. Half the whole number? 500 people. Now you can last for two weeks. No, but 500 people, we can...

Oh, wait. Water. Oh, water isn't a fact. Oh, then we're fine. 500 people. Yeah. That's going to last a bit. Yeah.

Yeah? Well, I mean, it's for eating. Yeah. Yeah, but people rot yeah that's well i mean it's what for eating yeah yeah but people rot i just don't mean so it's gonna be like all right we have keep them in the water that's just make jerky out of them i'm thinking because do you need to smoke people for jerky yeah yeah there's no fires you'd have to be on a system. It'd be like, all right, we have a thousand people to feed. Yep. We need how many humans?

How many people does one human feed? I need this for math levels. I don't know if there's like an answer on Google. I don't know if I want a Google list. Maybe like five for a day. So five for a day. Yeah. So we basically are roasting a human or several humans a day.

Yeah. And we just got to whittle it down. I think we could survive maybe 10 years on that system. How are you going to... Huh? I don't know why I'm asking questions about my fucking vault,

but how are you like... How are people going along with this? Who's going to be like, yeah, you can eat next. We draw straws. We draw straws. It's like, this is the situation. I'm explaining to

you the best we have now we can either just use all our food up now and die after a week great or if we want to survive this we need to do a system and that system is going to be cannibalism and this is the best way and the fairest way is that we all go in and draw draw straws of course i have to be also be able to draw straws as well I mean that's just how it makes it fair Or we'll just kill ourselves right now Just kill ourselves right now Or just be like everybody gather in my room

Or just be like everybody gather in the overseer's office No one's gonna Everyone's not gonna fit in the overseer's office Okay whatever room we can fit everybody else in That doesn't have the food in it Then I'm like oh hang on Uh you ten not going to fit in the overseers. Okay, whatever room we can fit everybody else in that doesn't have the food in it. Then I'm like, oh, hang on. Uh, you ten.

Or you, like, hundred. Oh, I just forgot something. Come with me real quick and see if you can help me find it. They leave. Lock them in. I'm like, now we can survive. We survived to a point. Kill that hundred. Eat that hundred. Thousand. Thousand. Get out there alive. I come out into the wasteland a powerful man powerful how cool though that would be just like a fun thing to find in fallout 5 go

and collect all the coins yeah i was about to say like imagine opening the vault seeing a pile of coins yeah at the entrance you're like okay whatever keep going and you find out the vault you come back out you're like oh that pile whatever. Keep going and you find out the vault. You come back out. You're like, oh, that pile of coins. How awesome to find like a broken down bit of wall and you go into where the coins that were put in the machine go and it's just like a worthless pile.

Like just like it's stored and you're like, wow. That's rough. All right. All right. My final vault. Vault 71. Yeah. Okay.

So it's a vault with, I'm just going to say 500 people just for Yeah. Okay. So it's a vault with, I'm just going to say 500 people, just for ease. Okay. And there is a list, like with a lot of my vaults I'm finding, of transgressions, of things they're not allowed to do. Okay. No, but here's... Fucking gen.

A fucking gen. Here's the trick. I don't tell them. Okay. And they're not like obvious ones. Murder? It's not one. Right? Okay. them okay and they're not like obvious ones murder it's not one all right but every time you commit

an act against that transgression the water rises okay so there are 10 transgressions uh-huh that's 10 water levels okay and every every time so one of the transgressions could say be like nobody's allowed to uh eat a pencil okay or like swallow a bit of a pencil yeah let's just like a random one somebody does water level rises to about ankle height yeah okay then people can eat a pencil again the water won't rise anymore so you've got like a go of each one oh fuck so i wanted to get to a point where they're like just random things rise the water level for we don't know what. For example, there's 500 people.

Anyone who makes the water rise, that person is dead. That's how that vault's going to work. No, but you wouldn't know. Say, for example, someone is there. You have 500 people. Anyone who's doing something when the water rises. Someone is, I don't know, playing on their GameCube. Someone is, like, chewing on their pen.

Someone is, fucking, you know, jerking off in the bathroom. Someone, whatever. Yeah. And the water starts rising. Everyone's like, what happened? What was that? Why did that happen? Why did that happen? And they'd be so superstitious. Yes. When it gets to a bad point, there'd be some

awful... What's it called? Was it me? Was it me jerking off that made the water rise? I don't know. Is that what's bringing the biblical flood? It's not another Bible thought. Pretty much everyone in that vault would be dead though after one or two rises of the water rise? I don't know. Is that what's bringing the biblical flood? It's not another bible thought. Pretty much everyone in that vault would be dead though after like one or two rises of the water. And you know what I'm getting at?

Because of the water. Trench foot and that whole mess. But no, there'd be places you could go. You'd just have to build little like out of the desks and stuff. You'd have to build islands. In the middle of the vault, in the big open living area, there'd be a big screen.

First person say, swallow a bit of pencil. Up on the screen it would be like, thou shalt not eat pencil. Oh, well then they know who did it. But they only know one, and they know there are nine more. Yeah, but what I was saying before is the guy who ate pencil, he's dead. Who's eaten pencils? Everybody's shit.

I want to see what you've all been eating. I want to find some pencil in your shit. You just find the people who's like the guy who had the chewed pencil. That's easy. You want to kill. Bang. I wouldn't tell them. What do you mean? No, why not? Because you want better decision.

No, but you might not know. It would just seem like the water level rose. I've got to give them an idea that it's because of something they did. Otherwise, you wouldn't make that leap. You could have like something with like 10 little light boxes, right? One just goes on. Oh, yeah. See, that's fine.

So you want them to be like, oh, hang on. And then maybe have like marks on the wall of where the water's going to go. Fuck, yeah. But how do I get them to make that leap between i did a thing because even if a light goes on you might just be like that's just a weird mechanism of the vault it could be like the water's like the vault's like hey water's up to here yeah like at a random time i need to tell them why i just because otherwise they could trans just have transgression one achieved or trans transgression one unlocked ding yeah and it

rises to that point and like huh look up there's like like nine more nine more to go you look on the walls you realize that there are more notches nine more notches or color-coded fuck do you imagine the terror after the first level i know i think the terror after the second one where you were like okay so we're doing something and you would you would probably think that it was the same thing Maybe yeah Yeah like the first one would happen And then it would happen again

And you'd be like what was everybody doing now That they were doing the first time the water rose Imagine it when it's like It'd be like a vault water world After a while People would be on boats People would start killing each other Like it was him it was fucking him

And also they'd start killing each other Because the less people there are other like what it was him it was fucking him and also you start killing each other because the less people there are the less chances of of something's fucking up happening you know you should have some sort of condition where the water goes back down to the bottom and everything resets oh that's good but i don't know what because i could go oh you killed the guy way to pencil water level drops down. But... Computer probably wouldn't be smart enough. No computer you could get in the Fallout universe

would be smart enough to knock. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So, I think I'm just going to have to let it rise until it drowns everyone. That's terrifying. No, but I actually don't want it to drown anyone. I want the highest level to still be a survivable level of water.

Yeah. I think that's a good idea. Even have, like, you know, multi-storied like stuff. It's going to be hard because the fusion reactor and stuff like that are going to be at the bottom of the vault. That part's going to get flooded. No one's going to be able to use the reactor. What if I just put the reactor far away?

Sealed away? Well, who's going to maintain it? Vault-Tec guy. Jones. Could you do something where it's kind of like each, you have like say 10 levels and so you only have enough really room to fit 500 people. Transgression goes

wrong. Water level rises. I know how to keep people safe. Like no matter the water level. Just irradiate the place as well and then maybe they evolve gills. Just drop some radiation in there. That seems like it could be part of a Vault-Tec experiment. It does. That seems like you could go into there and fight different people with gills and be like, oh, neat.

Also, if you radiate each level, so you have 10 levels, right? So each floor gets knocked out, depending. So maybe 11 levels. There's going to be less room. Yeah. So it's going to be more and more cramped each time. Until that last level is just like a sardine can. Yeah, so you're going to have to kill people.

So maybe instead of 500 people, I should have 2,000 people. Yes. Overcrowded. Yes. Yes. It'd be really funny to be like, get 2,000 people, and then it's just like ding, ding, ding, ding. Everyone drowns straight away.

Oh, oh my God. Imagine coming across that vault. You open the vault door water comes out you go in it's like everywhere like desks stacked on top of each other fuck that's fucked up it's vault 71 all right so vault two two four yep have we all seen the movie The Village? Yes. I don't like where this is going.

That. So you create a bugbear of some variety to terrify the vault dwellers. But everything is 1840s Puritan times. That's amazing. That's amazing. So they close the vault. Everyone's like, oh like oh well all lights go on and it's just like all replicated is it just like candles flick on like going down like it's all puritan times i was like what's going on like the vaultic security like please get out of your normal clothes wear these amazing clothes that we have provided for you imagine like voltaic security wearing like this fucking buckle hat and shit like that

with like the body armor thing over the top yes that's amazing although no body armor no weapons no weapons only like or weapons but only like farming implements 1850s Puritan weapons I guess they might 1850s they might still have like muskets Yeah muskets, fint lock shit That kind of stuff Imagine any kind of uprising Not getting to it too quickly

But imagine any type of uprising Where they're like doing like fucking infantry lines In the hallways So that And like all the walls and stuff like painted like open fields like i want i want to get like you want to give them the impression that this is like it's like hang on did we just time travel and they go the walls like oh no they're just painted you could even just have a huge area yeah Yeah. And make it proper the village. So you put a forest in there. Yeah.

Put a forest in there, like created, you know, genetically whatever. And I'll make a bugbear because we need that. You could even just have it as an actual monster. Yeah.

If you want to. A bugbear. Just get some FEV or some shit. Yeah. Inject a squirrel with FEV. No one... What? Squirrel.

No one... How scary. No no I mean like F.E.V. is not going to mean a lot to some people but whatever F.E.V. forced evolutionary virus it makes normal things spooky

so a squirrel yeah that we've injected give it like a little collar thing so if it gets too close to town it like zaps the squirrel so the squirrel knows

not to I also thought you meant that like also dressed using like a collar and like a like a hat. Yes, as well. A tiny little Puritan.

Like a big mutant squirrel dressed like a Puritan. And people are like, don't go in the forest because there's a squirrel. No, no. Because they'll be like, something happened to one of us and it became that. We must not sin. Very religious themes we've got running with me and you jack i like it um so how does that whole because it seems like if you've got enough food you got enough water that's gonna be pretty nice yeah but like we have laws to be like like the village laws

whatever they were don't go out at night that kind of crap i see you really liked that movie it's basically i want you to be like a Vault-Tec person being like, guys, I watched The Village last night. And look, I know twists, whatever, but look, he had some real good cinematography. You look at that scene and you tell me that is not a good filmmaker. All right? Look at that scene where the bugbear is coming to the,

that's good. Let's do that. My favorite part is, you're like,, that's good. Let's do that. My favorite part is, thumbs up good. Yes. You're like, you know, the village,

let's do that. Except not because there's no twist. It is actually just a monster. And it is, well, I mean, I guess it's still in like future times. I really like the idea of you as like a Vault-Tec employee,

like at your desk, like looking at the clock. Somebody's like, all right, we got, everybody's got to have their ideas up to the front in the next five minutes. And you're just like, the village.

That was good. You've like got two written on your list. Then you're like, you've just got like, kind of think of a third. Deaf vault. Ikea random bear vault. Ikea bear, question mark, question mark. The village by M. Night Shyamalan.

Done. Because then how great When like the first generation have kids And then they're going to have a second generation And then they have kids Eventually people are just going to forget And they're just going to assume that this Puritan place is their life And that's going to be great How's that going to help the army?

See what you could do is, you know how you were saying super religious, like that creature was one of us? You could have a select group of people, or whatever, who are like, if people violate these religious beliefs, they inject them with the FEV.

Military was doing experiments like that all the time. You're just like, hey, here's an excuse. Exactly. It only needs to be tangentially related. Let's build up a mythology around our FM. Keep injecting one guy with it until he's like this terrifying

squirrel god. Also, because again, and we're mixing in squirrel DNA now. In Fallout 5, we open the vault and you walk in there and you see a forest. That would be so good. It would be super funny if the forest was paintings half paintings half real that would be amazing because you'd come out of like that fucking irradiated wasteland you'd open it up and they'd be like autumn leaves falling in grass

you'd be like this ain't right what is this and then you hear that a squirrel's chittering and you're like you gotta fucking get your way through. You get into the middle and they'll, oh my God, you get into the middle. I know. And they're like, what are ye? Holly Moss gets at you and you're like, I'm a future man. Didst ye come from yonder forest? Did you find the bug squirrel the entire quest about that one is just like oh you can either kill the creature and leave them

be yeah or you can just like find them maybe there's like an escape hatch or something like that and you got to escape that's the mission there yeah oh oh you choose to leave them in their like terrified but kind of safe life or fuck it there you go or kill them all oh kill them all obviously that is always an option kill them all and eat the bunch girl cannibalize yes what about you adam one last vault one last vault for the for the for the record books so the reactor needs water right so there is there's going to be water in the vault But I'm going to irradiate the shit Out of all of that water

All of the water is completely irradiated Unusable Lots of coffee Lots And lots of coffee So the only usable water is the water that is coffee Coffee What happens to the human mouth You shower in coffee oh you brush your

teeth with coffee you drink coffee what happens to the heart when you drink good lots of you want to make a bowl of pasta you put some you put some coffee into a bowl a little salt wait for it to boil then you add the pasta no one's sleeping sleeping. No one is. No one's sleeping good at least. Heart rate My favorite part is Sorry, not my favorite. Whatever. And in all of the literature, in everything

no water is ever mentioned and no one is allowed to discuss water. Coffee becomes the new water. That's amazing. How one knows the difference. How quickly would you adapt? Well, I don't know if the human body can cope with coffee every day. Like that much and no other water.

Everybody would be super dehydrated. Like, no, not that dehydrated, but a bit dehydrated. Everybody would be kind of delirious all the time. You'd come in and they'd be like, hey man, what's going on? Headache free though Yeah I know Everybody would be so addicted to coffee And then if they got fucked off out into the wasteland

They'd be Withdrawal You would become half coffee You'd be Coffee in your blood You would just You would piss and shit Oh my god you would just You would pee and you would piss and shit

so much. Oh my god. You would. You'd be a machine. Also doesn't does coffee actually Yes Adam? Yes Adam?

Does coffee actually stunt your growth? Does it? I don't know. Does it? Just a bunch of tiny hyperactive coffee fueled

maniacs. That'd be nice though. You'd sit down, you'd have espressos, cigarette, a beret. They'd all be like, you know those little tiny cups of espresso, but only by necessity because the people are so small. I think the most amazing thing about that vault would be coming in 200 years later and getting a whiff of coffee. You'd be like, the fuck is that?

Imagine being like the sole survivor. Like you were alive 200 years ago. You're like, coffee? Coffee? How? So really, you just, your world is coffee. Everything you know is coffee. All the problems you will have.

What does coffee do to your skin? I would say not good things. Everyone's teeth are yellow. I'm just going to real quick Google how much coffee is too much coffee. You know what might happen? I think 100 cups in a day is bad, isn't it? You know what might happen? Breast milk might become a big thing. Oh yeah,

it would because it would be the only thing. No, because you're drinking fucking tons of coffee, you're going to have coffee flavoured breast milk. Oh, true. Up to 400 milligrams of caffeine a day appears to be safe for most healthy adults. That roughly amounts to four cups of brewed coffee.

You know what's really funny, Jackson? This is the second time we've had to look this up. Do you remember our tea challenge? Oh, yeah. One time me and Adam saw how much tea we could drink. Not a lot, turns out. I wasn't done You guys fucking gave up

Yeah You and other people Made me want to die I'm just trying I'm trying to find out Okay How much coffee I think

Lower risk of type 2 diabetes Yes I guess you can have it without sugar Is there any sugar in this vault? You can have No milk So you're having it straight But you can have sugar Well sugar. Is there any sugar in this vault? No milk, so you're having it straight, but you can have sugar. Well, milk is something that isn't coffee. I guess you're right.

You can't have anything to drink that isn't coffee. What about iced coffee milk? No, no. Straight coffee only. The hot type. Every drink you have is hot. Caffeine should be minimized during pregnancy Well we're going to have some problems there

Okay Maybe another cloning bolt then Miss Carrot still birth Promise your delivery into lower birth weight Well that's You're going to have fun Okay Alright

Shit is bad Coffee's a lot worse than tea If you recall in our tea challenge We found out we die of water poisoning Before we die of caffeine poisoning That's true Here's some symptoms of ingesting too much caffeine Restlessness

Dirt Anxiety Dizziness Upset stomach Irritability Insomnia Fast heartbeat Tremors I don't know why I'm latching onto dizziness oh great upset stomach irritability insomnia fast heartbeat and tremors

i don't know why i'm latching on to dizziness but it's kind of funny to like get into the like imagine you're the lone wonder or the sole survivor whatever you come into the vault and like all the arrows on the ground like overseers thing or whatever like are all fucking like fucking snake on the ground what's going on everybody's coming up to you bloody blurry eyed like bloodshot as hell oh yellow eyes because people's livers are gonna oh yeah people's livers are just gonna be fucked um because you're more irritable chances are uprising and and yeah and and nothing i can do about. It's only coffee. I know, but there'd be violence. Yeah.

You've created a monster hell. I want to know how long people can survive on coffee so we don't give too much to our troops. That makes sense. Stimulants. And then if you want an extra bonus level of a vault of just like fucking meth. Yes, meth.

Just a big storage room that's just like in case we run out of coffee. Can you like, what can you like through your nose, what can you breathe in? What drugs? Inhalants. Jet. In the Fallout universe. Just like pumping jet through the fucking vents.

Everybody would be so awake. Jesus. Trying to see how long the human brain can withstand sleep deprivation not long about a week everyone's in a bad way hell you know what i fucking found out except you can't use jet because apparently jet was made after the bombs fell really yeah which is weird because you find jet like jet in vaults that haven't been opened since before the bombs. Yeah, it's like contradiction. Yeah, it contradicts itself all the time.

But in Fallout 2, I think it is, they're like, yeah, I invented Jet and it's like after the bomb spell. Yeah, there you go. Liar, he's a liar. Well, I think we've all created fresh hells. I'm not quite sure which is the worst. No, no, I'm fine. Well, actually, that first one.

I think the Clownsall of 10 is maybe the best. Yeah, that's the best. Agreed. Clownsall of 10, the best. Probably is the best one. Which one's the worst, do you think? I don't know, Dog Brains. Dog Brains is pretty bad.

I don't know, just killing the Chinese and Americans. But at least his is a quick death. That's true. Mine is like... No, there are all sorts of different types of death. Oh, yeah, no. No, Adam's is the worst. I think Adam's is the worst.

And third one, most helpful to the US military. Like, assuming they could have used the results. Yeah, that's true. I think... Okay, I guess... Like, Adam... Adam... That terrible one is also the winner of most helpful

Which one, coffee or the Chinese American one? Or Ikea Bears True, Ikea Bears was alright It was like, kind of used Like, I could see a used sport Hey, my coffee one is not any better My rising water level one actually had no use Right, it didn't When it was like, military aleck on the form is not any better. My rising water level one actually had no use.

Right, it didn't. When it was like military Alec on the form. Military applications, NA. My question mark is wrong. Hey, you know, the military is giving us so much money. We're giving them so many vaults.

We can have a couple extra ones. I really love imagining all of our notes though. Like the, they're like, death vault. Oh, the death vault. Oh, the death vault.

Death vault. What was your second? Oh yeah. Death vault is my vote for worst. Yeah. And then just like the village. And then mine is like dogs, dot,

dot, dot. We're doing a vote for least applicable. I'm saying village. Least applicable to the US military. Whatever. Well, on that note, I've been Joel I've been Jackson

I've been Adam If you have any opinions about which vault is the best vault Email us in Let us know Hint hint, it's the ones I just came up with Let us know which vault you'd like to be capped in for 200 years Or if you have sweet vault ideas Just let us know in the comments

Or in the subreddit or whatever. Wherever you want to go. We're not judging. Good, good. Have a good one. Bye. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account?

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