Plumbing the Death Star - What Kind of Disgusting Planet Caused ET to Look Like That?

Episode Date: December 13, 2020

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Sands Pants Radio, Australia's dumbest podcast network. As you may know, for the majority of 2020, we've been turning an abandoned liquor store into a brand new Sands Pants Radio studio. It's been tough, and we are nearly there, but we can't complete it without your help. And that's why, on the 20th of December, 6am Melbourne time, we've decided to attempt a potentially 24-hour D&D-a-thon over at twitch.tv slash sanspantsradio, where every donation not only goes towards building the new studio, but also keeps us playing. I have a family Christmas on the same day, it's gonna be hell. And if you want to help us, but you don't want me to literally die, you can contribute in other ways, by buying a metaphorical brick for the new studio. For this, there are two options. Option one gets you your name in amongst the Sanspants

Radio logo that will be going up on the new studio, and option one gets you your name in amongst the sans pants radio logo that will be going up on the new studio and option two gets you that but with the addition of a limited edition enamel brickhead pin so head to sanspantsradio.com forward slash shop to find out more hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star where we ask the important questions like what kind of disgusting planet caused E.T. to look like that? But the question won't actually talk about the planet. We're just going to talk about how wrong E.T. looks. Oh, no, no, no.

Because it might be the disgusting planet. Look, wherever he's from, he's probably gross and wet. For sure. What went wrong for E.T. to look like that? Yeah, because I was thinking, and I posted it in our group chat, I was like, and this is what sparked it all off, how does E.T. shit? Because his anus is so close to the ground that if he drops a log it'll touch him on the bum hole okay there's just not enough distance unless he's

shitting little rabbit poops for him to to do a shit that won't touch his little bum hole and then we i got yeah yeah i put forward that i think because his body closely resembles for me anyway a sloth that i reckon that he's more like a hanging creature, so he would hang from the branches whilst he does his good dookies. Yeah, and then that got the ball rolling. Yeah, I had no thoughts about E.T.'s anus, but I am thinking about how much I hate E.T. at all times. Yeah.

Every morning when I wake up, I Google, has the internet forgotten about E.T. yet? And the answer's always no, and I'm always furious that I may have to look at that disgusting wet fuck. When will Steven Spielberg confirm that E.T. is dead in real life? I want confirmation that E.T. is dead in real life, and also confirmation that, to mourn him, we are never discussing the film E.T. that to mourn him we are never discussing the film et but we started to think or i started to think about how et's body doesn't seem like it's designed for any kind of environment whatsoever and so i wrote down a list of et's main features and i thought together and and and then i thought together we could go through these features we can try and figure out what would cause them to evolve

to try and get a sense of where et is from yeah and i don't want anybody to come to me with any bullshit et expanded universe et the anime et's you know board game or whatever no i don't give a fuck okay yeah visuals only the only tweet i want to receive from this episode is people being like hey doucher et sucks shit and i'll be like yes yeah he does everyone tweet me that et sucks shit i want my twitter to explode just people tweeting me just that you want it to happen so much that you regret it a little bit yeah that's what you're aiming for i'll turn my fucking notifications on so my phone vibrates every time as well. I want that.

Okay, first feature. No hair. Bald. Okay. So this to me, I guess, is that kind of like living somewhere that is at least wet. Wet and hot, right? Wet and hot, right? Like an elephant. Or underground like a mole rat. Wet and hot, right? Wet and hot, right? Because like what kind of...

Like an elephant. Or underground like a mole rat. That's already bad. Yeah, underground makes sense. But also wet and hot. Underground he'd have fine hair. Which he might have. Wait, why does he have...

Shut up, Sir. Don't make me imagine he'd deal with fine hair. Shut the hell up. That's awful. Why would he need fine hair to be underground? Does a naked mole rat have fine hair? He's got whiskers. He would need some way of navigating beneath the earth,

and he doesn't seem to have that. Also, underground. Again, they're blind, though. Yeah, and he's got fucking huge eyes. So if he is underground, he. Again, they're blind, though. Yeah, and he's got fucking huge eyes. So if he is underground, he cooked it. Because as he tunnels through the ground, he's getting dirt in his big, dirty eyeballs. And he can't use his fine hair to feel his way around,

because he's got none. E.T. has no whiskers or fine hair. I think what animals in our world have the same skin? Rhinoceros? Elephant? Balls? Balls? Nuts?

Yeah, yeah, nuts. Big old nuts. Shaved, in brackets, shaved. That's important. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Any chimp that has been stressed too much from either smoking too much or having to be forced to quit smoking.

Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Those real sad ones, you know? Real life. You see them and you're like oh this is we've done a crime real life chips with alopecia that's uh this is great this is so funny to imagine me i've like got et in a cage and i'm like we're gonna try and figure out where it's from and you're like well it reminds me of a trip with alopecia does that help

no cigarette see what happens that's not an! That's an animal that's undergone a traumatic experience! We don't know, maybe he's gone through maybe the real ETs are full of hair and this one is just stressed! I'm gonna write down possibly addicted to cigs. Although,

we do see his family at the end. Maybe they're all addicted to cigarettes! We don't know. Also, we see what happens when E.T. gets stressed. He starts to die and look like white dog shit. That's on my list as well,

so we'll get to that. Like Optimus Prime, so maybe he's a car. Put that down. Okay, I refuse. Autobot, then? Gobot. I'll put down go bot I think it's going to be wet I don't know about wet, it definitely has to be hot though Will we accept moist?

Moist And if it's hot, it has to be like swamp hot It can't be like sunny hot Because then he would have hair to protect his awful skin Stop making me imagine he.T. with hair. What kind of creatures live in the swamp? Gators. Alligators.

Gators, and he doesn't look very gator-y. Frogs. Frogs? He's a bit froggy. Yeah, frogs. Frogs. He's not amphibious, though. He doesn't need to be wet.

No. He probably loves it, but he doesn't need to be. He looks like he'd love being wet. Okay, that's not one of E.T.'s traits. We'll not be on the list. I'm going to keep moist and hot because we've got so many other things to explore. Okay, even though when he waddles around or when he sits down and gets up, he doesn't leave a wet patch, which I imagine he should have, but he doesn't.

So that's me, I guess, making assumptions that aren't there. So we do have to, like, as much as we'd love to imagine him being a wet, moist boy, we can't. We have to strike that from the record because he's probably very dry. And I think you're right. He's probably more akin to a rhinoceros. Yeah, I think it's pertinent to point out he's not soft. He's hard, which is awful.

He's leathery. Is he? Oh, he is. is oh i don't okay see okay i get look i hate to come back to this but it does make me feel like that means that his environment probably is a bit at least the humid maybe a humid environment okay but with no direct sun because he would again be covered in hair. I just think you're right. He's probably like a dry, arid place, kind of like some kind of like savannah. That's the opposite of what I said.

I know, that's what I'm saying. I think he's more rhino than he is moist. Well, look, because at the end... But fellas, fellas, fellas, at the end of this, we're going to have to explore it because the trick of E.T. is none of his features make sense together for any environment.

So at the end, we'll go through it. I'd hate to jump you from the head, but to be honest, the only place I can imagine E.T. living is in a cave that resembles an arsehole. Yeah, like some kind of fart cave. I'm looking at a picture here of a rhino swimming, and I'm pretty happy about that. Yeah, that's nice. It's kind of marrying the best of both worlds. Yes. Next thing.

Let's move on to huge eyes. Huge eyes. Predator. Predator. Forward facing. Yes. He's got predator eyes. I can't argue with that. That motherfucker's gonna kill us. He's got predator eyes. That's scary. What animals have huge eyes? Predators. I was gonna say like owls, anything that kind of like hunts at night. Nocturnal. Yeah, nocturnal.

True. That's the word. Nocturnal. So do camels, which works with the humid, Aaron. I like that you made me write moist, swamp hot, and humid. You made me write the same thing three times. We arrived at the same conclusion three separate times. Okay.

But no, he does kind of have kind of like, I guess. Okay. Imagine if a camel was a predator. Yeah. Okay. Those are the eyes that it would have. Forward facing. Yeah.

And if you look at his gross distended belly, if it were like a camel hump. Interesting. gross distended belly if it were a camel hump. Oh, interesting. And also in terms of colouring, even though a camel is covered in more like in the hairs and whatnot. Yeah. Stop making me imagine hairy eating. Okay, yeah. The colouring is at least kind of matching. It's similar.

All right. Okay, yeah. More towards like a desert, but now he's a desert predator. Yeah, okay. Scary. Okay. like a desert but now he's a desert predator yeah okay scary okay and to be honest i think maybe this adds to the desert predator as well open nostrils no he's got nothing covering them which means that well no because sand can get in right that's bad isn't it you don't want that i just went quiet because i was googling the biggest. And it's all animals that hunt at night.

Okay. So we know. He's probably nocturnal. He's a nocturnal predator. Guaranteed. Okay. There's a picture. There's a still image of him with an open mouth, and I hate it.

What's inside? He doesn't have any canines. It looks like he's just got flat teeth. Well, we sort of look like we don't have any canines and we're predators. That's true. Right? Yeah.

We are predators, right? I mean, we're top of the food chain. Okay, thank God. Man, for a second, if you guys had told me we were prey, I don't know what I'd have done. I've got my whole life thinking I'm a predator. Damn. Okay, so flat teeth, but so do we.

So that's no big deal. What do we think about his weird gum nut nose, though? That could get sand in it. What is that for? Look at the nose of a camel. I would love to. Yeah. What's the nose of a camel look like?

It is kind of open. But I feel like the camel nose, like, the nostrils. Oh, no, they're more slits, yeah. Yeah. Okay. They're nose slits. A lot of apes have noses that are really just, like, kind of exposed. So do warthogs.

Desert ape. What kind of desert apes are there? I feel like, Zamitit you're trying to pinpoint an exact animal et is he's not you're not going to find an answer there he's not a guy we know what he looks like he's not a guy i'm just trying to work out if there's any kind of like primate that goes like in the desert like with a kind of nose like what et has if it's even feasible or if that nose is better better uh suited for another environment i think it's even feasible or if that nose is better suited for another environment. I think it's definitely better suited to wet. Pigs have just nostrils exposed to the elements, right?

And they are happiest in shit. Yeah. Okay. I'm just going to write down for open nostrils because I'm very confused. Good for smelling and we'll move on from there. Okay. Not a bad idea. Well, he does have those weird skin flaps around his nose, so we don't know. They could distend and maybe make a from there. Okay. Not a bad idea. Well, he does have those weird, like, skin flaps around his nose,

so we don't know. They could distend and maybe make a nose covering. Yeah. Kind of like how people blink with an eyelid. Maybe he nose blinks. Nose blinks. I keep thinking, because you said camel, can E.T., if he gets enough moisture, inflate and be smooth?

Is that possible? Are we seeing a shriveled ET? ET, open parentheses, lowest moisture, close parentheses. And is there another version? Max moisture? I'm looking at his big brows as well

and they kind of look like really hard, kind of like a wildebeest or something like that. So, I mean, is maybe in the evolution of an E.T., did they maybe just ram each other with their faces? Yeah, that's true. We're thinking of survival, but many of E.T.'s features could be from mating, which maybe the nostrils.

Well, you know how in our world, like, the whole idea of, like, our jaws and our fists, they sort of evolved in this kind of weird equal strength thing because we just kept beating the shit out of each other. So, like, our fists and our hands would evolve so it would be, like, harder to do punches. But then our jaws would be like, we can take those punches. And there was this weird arms race within our own species of like, what's going to be the toughest. E.T.'s hands are weak as shit. So there were no punch-ons, but their faces look strong.

Okay. So you think the E.T. species headbutts each other for dominance. Either kind of like those, I love those dinosaurs, the Pachycephalosaurus, they just kind of poof each other or like a giraffe because he does have long neck yeah however smack each other yes and this is jumping ahead a bit but et has flat stubby legs which means that he's going to be a terrible predator unless he employs some kind of like pouncing trapdoor spider style attack which is is what i'm kind of picturing because how's he because he's running after you yeah like if you look at his head shape it's kind of like an ice cream cone but on its side what if et okay this is a crazy idea But I may have figured out how E.T. predates

Okay He keeps his head Deep within his body And then he extends it out and donks down Like a hammer On anything he's trying to get Because his face is flat like a hammer He donks you out

Kind of like a trapdoor spider Kind of thing But you know how a trapdoor spider makes a little trapdoor with his butt or whatever it is, and he's like that? But if E.T. does it with his face or his head and he sticks it out and then his big gaping mouth is there to eat small rodents. Yeah, but is his mouth like it's, you know, you get that picture of him with his mouth open and it's awful.

It's not huge. He also has a big flat tongue. I don't know what that's for, but it's upsetting to look at. His teeth are kind of flat. And again, look, this might just be an evolutionary thing. So maybe like, you know, a proto ET might've had sharper canines. Yeah, that's true. Or maybe legs. And then when they developed psychic powers, they didn't need their legs anymore. The more I look at this, I found this infamous open mouth photo. Yeah. His mouth looks like a bird beak, like the inside of a bird mouth. Yes, that's what I've actually got written here, beak-like mouth,

because I thought it resembled more of a beak than anything else. Yeah, but it's got teeth, though, which I hate. Is E.T. a bird? Is that what we're saying? He's one of them bird apes. If you pluck a chicken, does it look like an E.T.? It doesn't look not like an E.T., certainly. Well, he does have a beak-like mouth, but he does have teeth.

Unless it hangs from trees? Oh, yeah. Hook, his legs, they don't need to be fast because they're hooks. And he hooks on the tree and he swings his head like a fucking bummy knocker. Well, no, it's kind of like an orangutan, right? Yeah. All their mobility. So maybe he's like a canopy-dwelling creature.

Okay, I'm listening. So, yeah. So if you think of this as where it's kind of like, imagine a tree with a very large canopy, but also in like a very kind of hot, humid place, which would explain some of these aspects of looking like a camel. So he can swing quite like, you know, from tree branch to tree branch. Yeah.

And he wouldn't ever have to put his gross feet on the floor. Kind of like a sloth, like you were saying earlier. Yeah, but like a speedy sloth. And now a quick word from our sponsors. Also, do you know we do far too many things? Like, we've gone and adapted one of our campaigns for our sister show, D&D is for Nerds, into a novel. So, if you're sick of listening to us and want to instead enjoy your own voice narrating an adventure, just head to SandsPantsRadio.com and grab your copy of The Auticus today.

Print run is limited, but it is available as an e-book or grab them both in a bundle. Once again, that's SantsPantsRadio.com. Bob, when we see him in the movie, it's not like he's ever looking for things to hold on to when he panics. He just runs like a fuckwit. Yeah, but he's a... Oh, you're right, I was going to say,

because the problem here is also a little bit psychic, right? Yeah. He's got psychic powers. That's another one of the things I have on the list, you know? So I would put forward that the psychic power probably came later in the evolution. Okay. Or at least sort of like midway through,

which maybe is kind of why things might have changed or stunted. So if you're telepathic, you're probably not going to use your legs as much, which is kind of why they're actually gross. That checks out. Yeah. I mean, ETs, you never see them hover, but I guess if you're just bringing stuff to you,

you're not walking over to it, so you might as well use your, you know, You're going over to chat with your mate. You're like, hey, mate, want to go hang out? This, you're like, I'm just going to sit here and telepathically link with some cunt and be like, what's going on? The Charles Xavier defense. Yeah, exactly. Defense.

When he's in court. I'm psychic. Mr. X. Why do I have to be here? Mr. X. What do you want? That's pretty cool. I think if he's fired from the school then I guess

Yeah he's Mr. X You wouldn't call Mr. Xavier I don't think you could call him Mr. X That sounds like a It sounds like it could be a member of the A-Team Mr. X It sounds like maybe when he was trying to like Revamp his image and be a spy

Yeah he was Mr. X Mr. Charles X Charlie X Charlie X. Charlie X-y X! Oh my god! Oh my god! Whoa!

Yeah, I decided to do a musical. It was pretty cool. Yeah! It's a girl's night out. No boys, no boys. Vroom, vroom! That's what my wheelchair goes. The specific psychic powers E.T. has are telekinesis

and the ability to connect psychically and suck the energy of a young boy. Yeah. So now we know what he's, like, predating. Yeah, but why would you do that to anyone? Hang from a tree and suck off the animals below with the psychic. Get fat on their psychic juice. Well, now we're talking about

the whole trapdoor spider-esque thing. If he doesn't have to devour them bodily, it just has to prey off them like a psychic vampire. All he has to do is crouch down and then explode his gross neck out of the sand dunes and wrap

his huge hands around whatever he's sucking off. Yeah, and then he can just suck off, you know, whatever he needs to out of them. And he's got those long fingers, which maybe he sticks down the throat of whoever he's grabbed to, you know, get closer to the juice or whatever. Yeah, see, those long fingies, I assume,

were maybe kind of like you see in certain, like, gibbons and whatnot where they poke it down an ant's nest and suck off the ants from a finger but if they're like psychic power sucking off fingies maybe that's what he's doing just chucking them down the throat of you know little young boys that are unexpected wandering through some kind of desert planet yeah yeah i think that he just uses his telekinesis he's uh psychic linking powers to just slow his prey down and then strangles them yeah also potentially yes yeah homer and bart simpson style except from behind i imagine he strangles them from behind and then as they die

he slowly just crunches their head in his jaws he doesn't have a lot of pectoral power there, so he doesn't have a lot of that kind of strength. Yeah, but look at those fucking fingers. Yeah. What do you need for strangling, though? Good fingers or good arms? I would say fingers, for sure. Well, herein lies the debate, boys.

Yeah, I guess he's tough. You need the power behind it. You're using your fore Yeah, I guess he's tough. He needs power behind it. You're using your forearms, but also he's... Maybe he's just tearing people's throats out then. He doesn't have sharp fingers, though. He's not a tearing creature. I think he bonks them with his head. It's clearly the toughest part of his body.

There's the most musculature there. He bonks them with the head, and while they're unconscious, he sucks their juice out. Let's talk about the lack of nipples, because we're all thinking about it. Where's ET milk come from? Well, Jackson, do you know what this implies? Yes.

Ligurgitation. Yuck! He's born from an egg, though, hey? What? You said that with such confidence. How do you know? No nipples. probably born from an egg Like lizards and birds, that's true

Also no belly button I was thinking if you look at his belly button It's kind of like What belly button? Oh sorry, his belly It's the right shape and size for a moist patch like a frog Or a platypus Are you saying that if you sucked on If you picked E.T. up by the bum cheeks.

Suckled on his belly. Sucked on his belly. You'd suck that thick E.T. milk out. Yeah. Kind of like, yeah, like a platypus or echidna. Jack slid the E.T. in. Sucked him dry. Yeah.

Look, we thought E.T. was dry before, but look at him now. Turns out he had a lot of milk weight. I'm going to pour heaps of milk in this and get a moist E.T. that's got no wrinkles, baby. Keep him in the cupboard when I'm thirsty. More milk. Chuck a funnel down his throat, just start pouring gallons of milk. I'm going to make an E.T. foie gras, man.

Where do we think E.T.'s genitals lie, if anywhere? You know how I reckon underneath his weird belly flap hangs? Yeah. So I think it's kind of like how his neck can kind of extend up and down. I reckon he can kind of do the same thing with either his genitals or legs and just kind of, if he does it with his legs, outflops his genitals. So you think the way to sex an E.T., like find the sex of E.T.'s, to grab the two legs and pull and see if a big floppy dong comes out.

Kind of like if you push in his belly, it flops out. It's lucky Elliot never did that, you know. I just feel he's got like a, you know, like the snake penises? One of them hemi penises. He's got two of them. I think you're making a lot of interesting points, but I think it's very obvious he comes from that finger.

You may be on the money. It seems to be the focus of a lot of his powers, is that finger. I mean, it is, and I want to agree with you, but there's... No hole? I was saying he was like a hemipene. I think it's a cloaca is way more likely.

He's way more bird-like than mammal-like. If you flip E.T. upside down, he's just got a uni-hole. Yeah, so he's monotree. Yeah, so he's more akin to like a platypus or an echidna. His belly would be a moist patch. Or a milk patch. What do they call it? A milk patch? I don't know. E.T.'s whole physique

is so... What's his skeleton look like? Does he have knees? He waddles somehow. He can move. But I gotta look up E skeletons, see if anyone found one It is called a milk patch

Yeah, okay, well he may have a milk patch, nobody's found an ET skeleton If he's a monotreme, then yeah, I think he probably would have a milk patch and his belly is kind of perfect for a milk patch as well especially if he's producing quite a lot of milk

and it would run off in those little folds and wrinkles. In those rivulets, yeah. Yeah, so you could kind of like go near the side and as it pours down and makes that kind of funnels into your mouth. So you could like press his little belly there and make the milk kind of sweat out, run into those crevices and suck it off. Yeah, lick it amongst those crevices.

You get your tongue deep within there. Real deep. Can I make a wild prediction? I think E.T. has a pouch. Looking at it now, I reckon if you stuck your hand between E.T.'s legs, you would find two holes, one a cloaca and the other a pouch

that the baby E.T.'s would go inside. I also imagine the baby ETs tiny for some reason. I guess ETs are small. So you're thinking kind of, again, akin to like a kangaroo where like the kangaroo embryo will like sort of crawl into the pouch and suckle on it. Yes, that is what I'm thinking. Yeah, that is what I'm imagining.

He's got nipples on the inside. He's an inside nipple guy. That's where his nipples are. Yeah, they're within him they're within him yeah that makes sense to me what's et eat when he's hanging out with elliot he just eats reese's pieces yeah yeah does he want any kind of food like is he looking for greens hey dogs eat peanut butter that means nothing yeah that is true i've accidentally found myself in like the biggest et hole and i'm really unhappy about it,

because people are fighting on the internet about E.T. and his DNA, and I just wanted a dumb answer, and now I know too much. Oh, that's bad, dude. So, are you guys familiar with... This actually might be a thing that does help us, because E.T. has DNA, which implies a susceptibility to human pathogens. Okay, for sure.

And then E.T. hasn't had exposure to human pathogens, so he is at risk of serious infections. So, bad immune system? Well, to human pathogens. If I went to E.T.'s planet and scabbed my knee, I'm sure I'd get sick from an E.T. disease. Yeah, war of the worlds yeah yeah it was the smallest of god's creatures that killed the baby bond with i mean we knew he could bond with

elliot because he makes elliot sick but apparently he can bond with living creatures and that includes flowers so which means that he does like i guess like he... I joked about it before, but I guess he can connect to people and suck them off from the inside and then get their juice that way. And I guess he can do that with flowers as well. And I know we weren't going to say we're going to go to the extended universe of E.T., but in the novelization, he does have a conversation with plants. And doesn't he get horny? Yes, in the novelization of the et

movie which i recommend to everybody he does talk to a cucumber and he and he wants to fuck elliot's mom it's pretty clear i think it's almost explicitly stated but that's that means nothing i mean if i went to the et planet and i was stranded there horny that's all right i might see an et and be like, well, you know, what if I'm here forever? I might as well get my rocks off. And I'm not clever like E.T., so I'm not making a rock at home. I'm just like, well, I live on E.T. land now.

Yeah. I'm in E.T. realm. Yeah. Well, if he can talk to cucumbers and he can, like, suck off Elliot for his delicious psychic powers. Sure. I reckon he's just now sucking off basically any living thing, including, you know, plant life and, you know, I guess mammal life.

Mm. Well, if we are. I guess he's a predator for a lot of things. Again, an omnivore. Yeah. If we are to assume that E.T. exists in a hot, arid environment where there's not a lot of moisture or a lot of energy to get, maybe E.T. just

like, maybe the reason the environment's so arid is E.T.'s been sucking off the desert for such a long time. It was a moist forest and now he sucked it all dry so now he's just sucking on a rock every day. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you gotta try and work out

why do the E.T. race, why are they leaving their planets, why are they going everywhere else? To suck off the universe. Yeah. Maybe they sucked off their own home planet, and now they're like, well, we've got to go suck off other places. Yeah. Phone in E.T. language means sucked off.

E.T. sucked off home. Elliot, what? What are you saying, E.T.? E.T. sucked off home and then he waddles away. Does that alien say he's going to suck me off? Oh, my God. And if you look at, like, I guess this is why we've never gotten a sequel because I guess when E. when et's family are here

they're like oh look at this perfect good planet to suck off yeah we could go back and suck off that planet and all the et's are like suck off and then they go back and suck off planet earth sucked off earth yeah that's but i think that genuinely makes sense as the the the story behind et and how he exists in the world he sucks off things around him of their psychic energy he is a predator a nocturnal predator i guess you're less likely to because like if he was a whatever a dayturnal predator is whatever that word is dayturnal yeah because if he was whatever a day-turnal predator is, whatever that word is. Day-turnal, yeah, good.

If he was a day-turnal predator, then surely you would see him coming, and the way you get away from E.T. is just a brisk walk. He has to do it at night. We all in this room could push over E.T. Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to pick E.T. up by the feet, crack him like a whip,

and break his neck. That's how I'd kill him. I really want to just get a brick to the back of his head. I just think that'd be satisfying. I would like to crack his awful skull open like an egg. Yeah.

Again, satisfying. But at night, you're not prepared for E.T. No. And he's got those huge eyes, so he can see you, but you can't see him, and then you feel yourself getting sucked off, and you're the et got me uh-oh i'm being sucked off by

et all my mind powers are gone and then is it yeah that would also explain why he kind of evolved in a way where there's no real common traits like as in like obviously there is some things that fit together but why everything's just like kind of all over the place yeah it's a hodgepodge long fingers because short tiny feet yeah yeah at some points when the planet was pre-sucked off or the pso yeah et planet pso i know yeah yeah yeah and then post sucked off is obviously pO. PSO, E.T. planet. PSO. Yeah, I know, dude. This ain't my first rodeo, okay? PSO and PSO.

This ain't news to me. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, like, I guess over time, as they continue to slowly suck off their own planet and feed on the delicious wet moistures, I guess E.T. would also slowly evolve, or potentially maybe they just evolve to get the powers of the things they've sucked off on.

Yeah, very possibly. Stubby legs from an alligator. Well, I mean, we don't know what animals are on E.T. World. Well, we can assume alligators. We can make the educated assumption there are alligators on E.T. World. At least PSO. Yeah, that rhino skin he's got.

So it's obviously rhinos. Yeah, that's true. That rhino skin he's got, so it's obviously rhinos. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Well, if you get, again, going back to him being a nocturnal creature hunting by night, with his glowing finger, because, A, that I guess provides light. You think, you know, okay, he's got a glowing figure to provide light, so therefore you think he needs light to see.

But if you look at that kind of like an anglerfish. Oh, yeah. and it's more like you know luring people in yeah yeah yeah we're in the desert because we've crash landed in et world pso and i see a glowing light and i'm like i uh want that and then i go over there that looks interesting for me i'm so scared of being sucked off on this planet but i'm gonna go to that light but a light is comforting yeah a light's not going to go to that light But a light is comforting A light's not going to suck me off A light's a light

Oh no I'm being sucked off by E.T. That light at about E.T. finger height Is calming to me All of my juices are getting sucked off Into E.T.'s guts Oh damn it Shit

And also I think the desert environment works for E.T. because when he dies, it becomes a white dog shit. It's really easy to imagine him just becoming more dust. That's a horrible moment where we see a dead E.T. and then we look around and we realize the desert is all white dog shit E.T. dust that we've been walking through the whole time. You writhe in it. Thank God. you writhe in it thank god this is actually

guys you seem to be struggling with this traumatic event but I would just like to interrupt and say no this is actually good and in fact I find this unreal I don't respond because I was sucked off earlier that day you're a skeleton I'm a white dog shit of me somehow oh no the ETs have hair now they got Jackson's hair You're a skeleton. I'm a white dog shit of me somehow.

Oh, no, the ETs have hair now. They got Jackson's hair. It happened. Beardy and a little moist. This is exactly what I didn't want to happen. Thank God I'm dead. Thank God. Is there anything in terms of like an evolutionary standpoint or is it just the fact that it's like a situational thing,

but the fact that E.T. befriends a little boy as opposed to a grown adult? Well, I think this is... Same with Huckumber. Yeah. I would bring this back to an earlier discussion we had about Podracer where we made it clear that in the world of Star Wars, we wouldn't know who is a little boy and who isn't. So I think E.T. thinks Elliot's a grown man.

Yeah. And is only realising his mistake late in the game where he's already made the bond. When all these cops are shooting at him, he's like, hmm, this is a little boring. Might have backed the wrong horse. Shit. Damn it.

Alternatively, and I know we've gone on record so many times, we're like, we're not looking at the E-T-E-U. Sure. The E-T-E-U. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would just like to point out the book and be like, look, if you want to fuck someone's mom, you best be their friend first. For sure.

Because it's hard to befriend someone after you fuck their mom. Yeah. For baby E.T., the cucumber is like, get in that house. There's a smoking hot milf. E.T. was like, oh, milf.

Milf. And then he went in and befriended Elliot for that reason. E.T. phone home means introduce me to your mother, Elliot. Oh, Elliot, is this your sister? No, that's my mum. Oh, you look so

good for your age. That's horrible. Your ET has a bad voice. What about... I do not like it, yes. Okay, and I don't know if this plays into anything, but it's just worth bringing up. E.T. can and does get drunk and loves it.

Yes. How do we feel about that? He's a party animal. That, again, plays... I don't think he's a party animal, though, because it just takes one beer, yeah. Yeah, that's true, actually. Lightweight.

Cheap date. Yeah. I guess a chimpanzee probably would experience the same thing. Again, if you gave a corgi a beer it will get drunk. It's pretty fucked up to imagine. How many beers would get a gorilla drunk? Too many, dude. A slab. It's pretty fucked up to imagine. How many beers would get a gorilla drunk? A gorilla? Too many, dude. A slab.

You know? One bottle of. I reckon a six pack. I think one bottle of Captain Morgan is how you get a gorilla down. It's fucked up to imagine getting a corgi drunk and me being like, whoa, it's a party animal. And you're like, Jackson, that corgi is very sick. Whoa, party central over here. it's a party animal. And you're like, Jackson, that corgi is very sick. Whoa. Party central over here.

Vomits on the carpet. Yeah. Oh, bloody can't handle. Hey, Jackson, please stop shoving a glow stick in my dog's face. This is sick. so what about camouflage he's uh he's he's kind of only camouflaged to

appear as dog shit yeah or are sick so yeah um unless there is i guess like because he's he hides and he's very good at being still. Yeah, that's true. Maybe E.T.'s planet is full of rocks that look like E.T. I think we're on the right track where he's more like a trapdoor spider where his M.O., if you will, of predatory is that, yeah, he basically hides somewhere. He's very still and then like either

leaps out or grasps them in his very powerful bony fingers and then sucks them off i think that's very possible i think that is also true and i also think that there's a big chance that this desert that et lives in the rocks simply just resemble human nutsacks yeah i think that's possible like if we landed here we'd call it the testicle planet. But actually... Well, maybe E.T.'s planet is full of very, very big people, which is why he mistrusts adults. Yeah. Because he's like, they're very big.

I've seen their nutsacks. We blend in quite well. Okay. Whereas, like, a little boy in that, they're like, ah, it's just my size. There's no confusing there. They're not going to crush me. So we're imagining some kind of planetoid on which there are so many nutsacks,

so many pairs of testicles that it is beneficial for a species to evolve to resemble them, to hide from predators within these nutsacks. Yeah, correct. And then he or the ET race then will say feasts on the bugs and that are crawling all over these giant testicles. Okay. Maybe it's formed like a parasitic relationship or a symbiotic relationship with these giants with huge balls.

And these are giant humans. Yeah. Humanoid creatures. Okay. That's what I'm saying. Well, they're not humans because they're too big. Yeah, of course. Going back to rhinos, you know those, oh no, maybe hippos,

when they open their mouth and those birds pick out on the teeth and whatever? So maybe E.T. will be like, hey, you big, bald giants, let us hang out. We'll hang in your- We'll hang out in the pubic hair. That's why he's got really good finger grasping strength, is because he's hanging onto those giant pubes. Can somebody... And fixing on, I don't know, the woodlice or whatever that's hanging out around there.

The crabs. The general ball parasites. Could somebody go on the ET wikia, please, and change... Where it says environment, I don't know what it says right now, but change it from whatever it is to crundle or gooch. Yeah, yeah. Gooch? That's where the ET lives.

And again, he's perfect to live in a crundle or a gooch. Yeah. Crundle? In a grundle? As I predicted at the start of the episode, the only place I can imagine ET sleeping is in an anus. Yeah! Kind of like that eel that lives in a

fish's noose. Yeah, yeah, that's what E.T. does. I can't wait to get back to the anus I live in, Elliot. What? The fuck did E.T. say as it flies off? Did he say he was going to go in an anus? A giant's anus. god he's gone i don't want

to know any more about that mom do you know he tried to fuck you yeah he was really on the horn for you mom that's really fucked up can we go home i hated all of this my name's elliot the only part i thought was good was when he was dying and I was getting better. I loved when I was sucking him off instead of when he was sucking me off. Let's get back to that. Yeah.

Well, I think we, as three evolutionary scientists, have adequately... AT is from an arid desert environment full of gigantic humanoids in which he hides in the crundle of... Well, if you think about that, you're just describing the gooch because that does get occasionally very sweaty. That's true. It is moist and humid. It does get quite moist and humid down there, but it's swampy.

Other times it's quite dry. Yeah. That makes sense. And if you're forming a symbiotic relationship With this gross wet alien I mean he can suck you off And you can suck it off So it would maybe provide a little bit of Health benefits

He psychically sucks you off He psychically sucks you off But he also sucks you off in real life Is the deal Because he's down there Okay why not Maybe he's a bit of a party animal. I don't know.

Okay, you let him suck off you a bit psychically so he can suck off you a bit physically, is the E.T. bargain, as we call it. Yeah, yeah. The famous E.T. bargain. Yeah, he needs that really good finger strength to hold on and grip on to the pubic region, like the leg hairs and all that kind of stuff there.

That makes sense. He doesn't need any of the ability to walk because the big giant is walking. Yeah, he doesn't need to go anywhere. Legs, get rid of them. Yeah. And because, I guess, the distance of where he is to where his host is, the ability, the need to telepathically communicate is there.

Yeah, for sure. I reckon E.T. just swings from the balls of giants. Dude, I couldn't agree more. Yeah, it's quite simple. Really, it's elementary to be honest. This was easy. Give us a hard alien.

We can figure that out. E.T. swings from the hard next time. Yeah, give us a hard alien. Like a fucking gremlin or whatever. Yeah, we can figure that out. E.T. swings from the balls of giants. There it is. Yeah. Beautiful. Simple. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson.

And I've also been Joel. We've all been E.T. experts. Yeah, exactly. It was actually simple, really. Easiest question ever answered. Easiest question ever answered. Have you always thought about signing up for Sants Pants Plus, but you haven't found the right opportunity to take the plunge?

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