Plumbing the Death Star - What Kind of Job is Journalism for a Superman?

Episode Date: August 13, 2017

In which our heroes get a job at the Daily Planet, work hard long hours, struggle for promotion and wonder why Clark Kent still has a job as we ask: what kind of job is journalism for a Superman?Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for our Melb Fringe Shows or UK tour right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help fundraise in aid of PSC Support? Just head over to sanspantsradio.podkeep.com and give what you can for a brand new D&D adventure! And if you’re wanting to know more about PSC Support, you can head here; http://www.pscsupport.org.uk.Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for our UK tour right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Duscher: twitter.com/dusch13Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sants Pants Radio. Jackson can't come to the phone right now, he's too damn handsome. Hey everyone, Sants Pants Radio is part of Melbourne Fringe this year, and along with some of our other shows, we're going to be doing a live Plumbing the Death Star for one night only before we chuff off to the UK. Just head on over to melbournefringe.com.au to grab your tickets, Plumbing the Death Star is on the 16th of September, and check out sanspantsradio.com slash live for the dates and times of our other shows now enjoy the show hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star where we ask the important questions like what kind of job is journalism for a superman so Clark Kent

Superman he a big boy he a laser eyes and I would say not subtle, but no, journalism. That's good for him. Yeah, so for anyone not familiar with Superman. If you just don't know him. If you've stumbled upon this podcast, you're like, a Superman or what?

So yeah, Superman, an alien, superhero, a Superman. His alter ego, Clark Kent, is just a journalist. It just seems strange that he would Go for Because like, does he Does Superman want to be a journalist? I don't know I like saving the planet, that's great

That's the fucking tits But also, you know what, getting the news out there Is it like a front So he can find out what big crimes Well I would assume that would be good If he's an investigative journalist. But Perry White, he's like, I want you on sports. And he's like, no.

So he's a bad journalist because he can't follow the directions of an editor. Well, absolutely. He's a bad employee, full stop. If your boss asks you to do something, you better fucking do it. Something we never really see in any superhero movie or whatever, even for, I think, a J. Jonah Jameson, is that if you have an employee who is also a superhero like if you're late to work that enough of that happens and you're fired so like yeah honestly it's a shock that superman and spider-man have never

just been given the fucking boot well i feel like spider-man is threatened to get fired like twice a week that's true but then jay jay jameson's like oh you get the pitches though but if you're living if you're living in that universe, a good excuse would be, oh, yeah, Spider-Man was on the tracks again, couldn't move the train, so I was late. You're like, no, fair. Look, fair enough. We've all been there. Yeah, I suppose.

I also think when Superman goes- I feel like your lateness is going to be just a part and parcel for the MCU. For pretty much anybody coming to work. Also, when Superman goes to- I don't know. I've always had this image of Superman, he needs to work. Also when Superman goes to the... I don't know. I've always had this image of Superman. He needs to become Superman so he goes to the toilet at work and changes. Did I just manifest that?

Yes. Okay, so Superman doesn't go... Because I was going to say that's just stupid because then Superman walks out of the toilets. Also as just Superman. Actually, I might have made up a scene in my head too from one of the Superman movies. I feel like that he goes to the bathroom And jumps out the window and changes mid-air

Yeah, that seems like It's hitting some memory Does that mean if you're walking along and you look up And see, you're like, that guy's getting Not only is he getting changed mid-air He's like, I'll take a free jacket And a tie No, it's like a weird scene, if I'm remembering correctly

It might just be Joel Brain. I feel like he jumps out the window and it does like that weird like spinny thing and then he's just like Superman so it's not like you see him

being like, wait, where'd he put the clothes? I don't think you ever really see. I don't think you see him take off any clothes. He just like jumps

out the window. Any superhero with a secret identity needs a backpack. Yeah. Well, like spite the newest spider man film addressed that he webs his clothes to a thing which is what he does in the comic books but in the movie they get stolen because of course so stupid isn't it though so what are the benefits

of being a journalist see the thing is if he was batman i'd understand because batman solves crimes yeah superman doesn't solve crimes the metropolis Gazette or whatever he reports for. Daily Planet. Cheers. Is not going to report on the kind of things that Superman has to deal with because the thing Superman deals with is like a big comet's coming.

Nobody's ever like, hey, Clark Kent, extra, extra, read all about it. Comet's coming from Metropolis. He'll find out another way. It does make more sense having Batman as a journalist because Superman solves things with his fists.

Like, if anything, Clark Kent should be the rich playboy. He's an alien, so like, whatevs. I don't know what your logic there is. You know all the playboy aliens are lying around? Yeah, you know, that's what an alien wants to do. You're from space, you get all the money you want And the ladies, and the swimming in the pools

And the fucking Yeah, yeah, that's what aliens want They come here, they take our jobs And our women And our mansions And our swimming pools I don't really think there's It's really sad if you kind of imagine that Clark Kent

Did want to be a journalist But he's like, I've also got you kind of imagine that Clark Kent just did want to be a journalist, but he's like, I've also got to be Superman. Well, we know at least Lois Lane is a journalist. She tells us how many times she's won that Pulitzer... Pulitzer? Pulitzer? Pulitzer, yeah. We're talking Man of Steel, Superman.

The Pulitzer Award. And what the hell has Clark Kent done? Nothing. He's meant to be a sports journo? Because if you're going to hire him, you're like, yeah, you look like you know sports. Did Superman do media or journalism in college? Did he?

Did he go to college? Well, after the Man of Steel fight, let's just assume that 60% of the population is dead, and maybe that was just all of the reporters who were trying to report on the fight. He's not very clever because he just comes in like, do you guys know I'm looking for a job. It's like, the city's destroyed Do you need a journalist

right now? No. Go away We need a builder and maybe a fucking medic. What do you do in Smallville? You've seen Smallville? I have seen Smallville. A lot. Too much. He's just like a high school kid and then I think he's a dropout for a couple of years and then he goes to not quite Metropolis or maybe Metropolis and he's just like a high school kid. Yeah. And then I think he's a dropout for a couple of years.

Oh, that's good. And then he goes to not quite Metropolis or maybe Metropolis and he works for like a newspaper there. But I think he might do like a student newspaper for a bit. That's fine. If he does that, then I'm like, okay, I guess he maybe wants to do something. No, but still, if I work for the Daily Planet, which is like the newspaper in Metropolis,

and some kid comes to me from fucking ass fuck Kansas goddamn Smallville and he's like, hey, I did it in high school. I'm going to be like, get out of here. What else have you done? We've got award winning journalists. What are you bringing? Actually, that's a good point. I was wondering why you brought in the Pulitzer Prize, but it's literally like, we're not going to fucking hire some kid

to walk out of a lift being like, I'm looking for a job. That's more of a call. Fucking give us a resume. Did he like have his own blog in Smallville? Can Superman use a blog? I don't think he's got the time or skill to do that.

Well, after fucking his stepdad died, he'd be blogging shit like, ah, human scum. Mom says so. I think it's more realistic to imagine that Clark Kent ends up just being like the intern at the Daily Planet to deliver his coffees. That makes way more sense.

That would be a more realistic place for him, Dan. So anyway, so look, all right, Barry White's in his office. Come in. He's like, Clark, I need to see you. Yeah. As you can see, I've got a lovely range of journalists here, and they are so much more qualified than you. And, you know, look, print media, it's on its way out. So we're going to do some downsizing.

So we're going to keep all the award-winning journalists. Sorry to interrupt, guys. I'm also here. Lois Lane. I'm Lois Lane. You're my girlfriend. Yes, Clark. Don't tell anyone I'm super famous.

I'm winking That's good And Perry White completely just On his iPhone Speaking of downsizing and print media being on it's way out You're fired Oh shit That would pretty much be like day two I guess

So good luck, take your ass down to Sunlink Or the American version of it Superman's gotta go on welfare be like day two i guess so good luck take your ass down to sunlink or the american of american version of it superman's gotta go on welfare social security superman in a barrel yeah oh anyway um you ruined my perfect segue with that bit because you were gonna be like that doesn't make sense do you know what does make sense i was gonna be like my idea what's your idea anyway so i've ruined that segue by explaining how my segue before was ruined. Male model. Fuck!

I think Superman, you know, Clark Kent, sorry. No one knows he's Superman. Shut the fuck up. I can't fucking remember that. I was winking. After he leaves the Daily Planner. Yep. Best place for him.

Gets the ass. Gets the ass. It was male model because he's pretty. He's an attractive man. He's ripped as fuck. We don't know what his dick looks like. Well, he'll just wear loose pants. I got some problems.

Okay, what? He might have nipples. When you have a model. He wears tassels, so you can't tell. Yep. Now I'm into it. Now, when you have a model, you want them to try different styles. You want them to try different kind of looks.

So when you're like, hey, I need a model this and by the way, your glasses don't work and they're going to grab the glasses and be like, oh, shit. Or like, you need LASIK. And he's like, no, don't. So also, again, because he's

a model and a supermodel and he's a very quite handsome boy. A supermodel. He's going to be on the cover of magazines, I'd assume. He's going to be on very, very publicity. How great is it to imagine Zod landing and being like, we must find Superman. Oh, he's on the cover of GQ. Men's health.

And also if he's like they're interviewing him for men's health, what advice is he going to do? How much can you lift? Three tons. Can you explain? Really? Is that not a lot? What's a bit but not too much?

That. Can you explain your routine, Clark? Four. Four. I run in cornfields, but a bit fast, not too fast. I'm just naturally talented at lifting out giant posts. What you do is you go out in the field, you do a bit of a stretch, you grab a tractor,

lift it up over your head, do a couple of reps. And throw it. I like to imagine this version of Clark Kent is in a lot of trouble because of people emulating his routine. You're fired from the modern agency, Clark, because of the fucking lawsuits we've received. So I think it's a good option for him,

but it's going to blow his secret identity. Yeah, you're right. Just like that. And he's going to kill people with his routine. Also, nowadays, we tend to have pictures of the journalists attached to their article. Surely, surely that is just a bit of a giveaway that he's Superman. If people are like, oh people like frankly the fact that nobody knows he's superman already is just

fucking mind-blowing i just like i just like to think that the general public know but they're just trying to do him a solid because they don't know what will happen if he's embarrassed no one's ever encountered an embarrassed alien before they're like oh yeah clark can you're not you're not superman the government or whoever was in charge got Clark Kent away for a while and they had like a big public address they're like we must not shame the superman people on earth yes we know he's just wearing glasses that curl doesn't disguise shit we get that he's strong and not clever okay Okay, everyone? We don't want to upset him. He has laser eyes. He's fucking tough. Real tough.

We shot him with a tank once. Did nothing. So, yeah, I think... You're right. Look, it's like taking every... You know how they say Clark Kent hunches himself over and it's just taking that and doing it in the roof. Be as Superman as you can and also in public.

I'm going to give you a report card styling response. Oh, like from A to F? Yeah, A to F. So, creativity. B. I pulled up a piece of paper like I was going to write something down and picked up a pen, but I've changed my mind. Superman impersonator.

At parties. A good way for a villain to get him Like true When things go wrong and he's gonna be Compelled to act, he's blown his cover But everyone's gonna be like Oh my god you look just like Superman He's like yes, yes I do

I'm really good at my job I like the moment where they're like What a great Superman impersonator you are And then Brainy attacks the city And Superman just has to leave Oh I see You make it a bit I like the moment where they're like, what a great Superman impersonator you are, and then Brainiac attacks the city, and Superman just has to leave. Oh, I see. Make it a bit.

What? Like, oh, Brainiac's taking the city. I gotta go. Oh, I guess I gotta go. Yeah, actually. Yeah, and lie. Oh, I gotta go and save the thing. And then do the walking thing where he's arms are upstretched.

He's flying like, hey, look at me. I paid him for four hours yeah actually if I hired someone for my hypothetical bachelorette party and I was like alright I'm gonna pay this Superman impersonator for two hours and then he fucks off

after ten minutes even with a great bit like oh better go save the city I just like the whole group of like everybody at the bachelorette party waiting for him to come back. Fuck, is he coming back, or is he just like, was that it? This bit has gone on for a while. I wanted to see some man pretending to be Superman. I want to see that naked.

Yeah, is he a stripper in this version as well? He was saying bachelorette party, so I went there. I'm keen for that. Then tell me, like, just as an aside. No, no, no no again. This is strange because there's two suggestions in a row. We don't know what his dick looks like. Yeah we don't. We don't. It could be like with fangs and pinstrips.

Or like a tentacle. You know like underwear or whatever. Yeah but like No full pain. He has that on there. But even without full pain. Nah but if I see someone that handsome at my bachelorette party I want to see pain. Yeah well then hire a different agency. Well, I will. I'll take my business

elsewhere. I guess I'll show my suction cup the thing penis because they want full pain and I'm not getting pain otherwise. Go to the agency. Yeah, you're handsome. Get dropped out. Sure. Oh my God. See, I'm imagining like an octopus's arm.

Now I'm imagining like an octopus's arm. Now I'm imagining like an octopus. Like the whole thing. I just want like xenomorph, like a penis inside a penis. Like, quack, quack, quack. Telescopic. It's frightening if it is just a regular penis. That's in many ways more shocking. What if it's just a regular penis, but always pointing straight up?

But Kryptonian women are designed Like a human woman Look you don't claim to know how it goes down I've seen it once He could be like Like an animal you know like an octopus Where it like say Grabs his like penis that is now flush against his belly Just smacks it on that a few times

Ejaculates into his hand And he's like hey hi grabs his penis that is now flush against his belly, just smacks it on that a few times, ejaculates into his hand, and he's like, hey, hi, Mrs. Super Lass, here you go, this is for you now. Like a ring. Yeah. And then they go like, thank you, grab it,

and then whoop. That would have been a shock for Lois Lane the first time that happened. Frankly, it's a shock. Lois, is that your cum? This is for you. This is for you. It stacks. Oh my God, that's why she had a hand in firing, I might assume. frankly it's a Lois is that your cum this is for you this is for you stacks oh my god

that's why she had a hand in firing I might assume look it's not you or your writing ability it's your cum it's the fact that you handed me semen

I think not happy the problem that I had with Superman as a male model surely you have with Superman as a Superman impersonator yeah like

the problem there is you look like him and you can be like oh he just looks like him and you can kind of have that but then the moment he needs to go and actually be Superman. The only difference is that you've got like one extra layer

because yours like it's a bit. Yeah. You've got one extra defense. Yeah. See, it's funny because like we saved mine for last and mine is the most reasonable. So this is going to be an anti-climax firefighter. Okay.

Explain. Okay. Well, he's immune to fire. that's suspicious no but like all right if you're in a burning building yeah yeah and a firefighter like so like one of those situations imagine like one of those films where like like oh no my baby's still in the crib and yeah yeah when i left i just thought my baby was following me um superman walks in slowly yeah like a regular man regular man walks in yeah and then he just like once he gets inside just superman's through and i get picked say i'm trapped with a log on my leg like a burning beam and clark kent rushes up to me at super speed and i'm like hold the fuck even if he doesn't even he kind of like tries to pretend this

so how after how so how many how long is he on the job? Wait, hang on a second. I've found a flaw in my own plan. Do you know what this would be a good job for? Huh? The Flash? No. Close.

Superman. Yep. You're just giving Superman Superman's job. Yeah. Clark Kent's out of the job. Superman's out of the job being replaced with Clark Kent. It's just a specialized Superman. Yeah. Clark Kent's out of the job. Superman's out of the job being replaced with Clark Kent. It's just a specialized Superman. Yeah.

Because again, even if you were just like Clark Kent, he kind of had to dial it back a bit. He was just rescuing people. After a while, I'd be like, we've noticed that you seem to be very good at this. You always seem to know which paths to take. Almost like maybe you'd know the crime scene of the fire. That's true. You seem to be going

through certain things and you don't get injured at all. You seem to sort of know that there's a secret passageway almost in almost every single one of these incidents. Arson. You think Superman's gone to jail for arson. Yeah, like I think we've got a big strong case here that you might be... Firebug. Firebug Superman.

If Clark can't... If Clark Kent went to jail, like even not... You can call him by his real name, Clark. If Clark Kent went to jail for something he didn't do, but he actually went to jail, would he escape as Superman? Nah, because Superman's a law-abiding citizen. Is that the best way to get Superman is to imprison Clark Kent?

If you arrest Superman for a crime, he actually could... Well, he wouldn't commit a crime in the first place, though. But if you unlawfully imprison him... Yeah, I'm assuming that I'm doing it with loopholes and... He would only be able to... Buckling the legal system. He would only escape from prison if he could do that in a way that proves his innocence, because then...

That's amazing. Is there anything we can throw journalists in jail? Can we do that yet a way that proves his innocence because then... That's amazing. Is there anything in like we can throw journalists in jail? Can we do that yet? Unethical journalism. Yeah. Or just a few more years in this political climate. Am I right, fellas? But no, not at the moment. Sorry, just some

scathing political commentary. It's about time we had some. Because like, you know, if he's like, could you sue him for libel? It doesn't matter. You don't need to make it reasonable. Who's gonna fucking sue him? He's reporting on sports and if we base it on Batman v Superman he's not even fucking doing that.

Barry White is printing a page for the front page of the newspaper with just a giant blank column just like hey Clark, you didn't do your fucking job. Yeah, sure, I ran my newspaper and like, that was a poor choice by my behalf,

but look at you, you didn't do your job. Sometimes you gotta teach a lesson. Headlined by Clark nothing. They all know that you fucked up. I think they think you fucked up. Perry,

it's your newspaper. Perry White was holding a sword and Clark Kent was standing behind him and Perry White stabbed Clark Kent through his own head. Just to poke him a little bit. That's good. I respect Perry for that.

All right, so I guess none of these were good. How about farmer? No, he's done that. That's cheating. His papa was a farmer. Yeah. Got sucked up by a cyclone. Because think about it.

Or had a heart attack, either one. True. Well, it's a job with overheads, right? Yeah. Because you need all the trackers, that kind of stuff. But Superman don't need that. He got it. He got that by himself. Plus, it's a job with overheads, right? Because you need all the trackers, that kind of stuff. But Superman don't need that. He got it. He got that by himself.

Plus, it's a good thing because no one's watching you, so he can go off and be a Superman for a bit. Is that the dumbest idea? I'm excited for my next turn. So, like, I mean, maybe a pay cut. Depends how good of a farmer he is. He can't really be a pretty good one. What's he farming?

What can grow in Kansas? Wheat? Wheat? Wheat? Pigs? And I'm guessing with his contacts with the jla and batman i'm sure he'd get like a sweet government contact to be like oh look we'll supply the blah with this but like but you need so say it's wheat yeah like farming is not just grabbing the wheat

like superman needs machines you know what i mean he needs farming equipment and then at that point he might as well just like basically do it but it, but being Superman doesn't help him. Yeah. I kind of made him like an ox. Yeah. That's like one put a yoke on him. So you're using him in the same way that Mara and Park Kent used him, help out around the farm.

In many ways, Superman was their slave son. Yeah. And look, as a society, we just came to terms with that. Well, we were like, he can do it. It's fine. It's not really, because I guess if he's not really having to put any effort into it, then I guess it's okay. Like if you could carry a hundred kilos and I was just like,

here's a hundred kilos to hold. My time's still valuable, douche. I still like the idea of him going into like a job agency and they look at him like, personal trainer. That's for you. Go do a cert three. And he's like, oh shit.

I like that. When you were saying farming, I immediately, the first image I had in my head was him milking a cow and popping the udder. Ooh!

Ooh! That's bad. That's gross. Stop holding your titties at me. You're not getting milked. Oh, he'd rip them off. Because Superman's got

such strong, powerful hands. It'd just be like, he'd grab the udder, rip it off. Cause Superman's got such strong, powerful hands. It'd just be like, he'd grab the, like the otter, rip it off, and then he'd milk and blood everywhere. I hate that.

I don't know if that's how it works. I'm unhappy. Is there a milk sack in an otter? Well, where else is it coming from? I don't know the anatomy of a cat. Prospector. Oh,

here we go. Superman doesn't like stealing, but having a lot of money is useful Where's free money in the ground In the form of gold And he's got x-ray vision Superman just wants his own gold Laser boop boop boop

There it is And then he can smelt his own gold By laserizing it Fuck that, get in diamonds Sorry, get in coal Crush it into diamonds Done, Superman's rich as fuck He can freeze breath his fucking competitors

Well now you've made him commit murder No no no, they're frozen, not dead Although again it's going to be like If you're a prospector And you're acquiring all this gold Because you know he's not smart He's not going to slow down. And then they're going to be like,

oh, what's your method? And then they're going to go to where he prospected and see all these laser holes in the ground. You're not Superman by any chance, are you? Depends. Do you want to go to the sun? No? Then shut your fucking mouth.

You kind of need a job that he can become like a bumbling dickhead so no one suspects him. Well, what's the point of his job? Why does Superman have a job? Well, that's a good point because I've got a pretty good job for him that I reckon he'll be a lot better at. Batman. So during the day he's Superman, at night he's Batman. It's a job. He'd get so tired.

No, he wouldn't. He's Superman. Wait. It's at night. He'd get so tired. No, he wouldn't. He's Superman. Wait, it's at night. He would get sleep. Oh, no! I picked the one superhero that can't be Batman. Well, no, actually, I guess it means that he'd be able to

be like Batman, because he'd be weaker. He'd get weaker as the night went on, but then the sun would come out again, and he'd be sweet. Is it just UV rays that make him powerful? Just fucking put him in a bottle or something. Well, no, like, yeah, because, like, you can get, like, lamps and stuff

that produce UV rays for, like, people with depression or whatever. Just give him one of that, man, a generator on his back. It's a torch. Imagine how scary, like... Oh, Batman

with, like, a torch stuck to himself, like, beaming light up above. So, like, the spooky face thing. He's his own bad signal. Oh! I just like the idea of, like, if the signal oh that's just like the idea of

like if you check a generator on him the idea of like you're a criminal the doc's doing a shady deal and you're just like you're like what is that and then a very muscular man with a generator on his back i'm batman illuminated but he wouldn't even he'd be like i'm batman i'm batman citizen stop what you're doing he'd still put on a voice because he's, I'm Batman, citizen. Yes. I'm Batman. I don't think the real Batman would be happy about this. No, it's all right.

The Bat family. You know what's the stupidest fucking thing? I read this recently. Is that the Green Lantern needs permission, or the Green Lantern Corps needs permission from Batman to do Green Lantern shit in Gotham. That's stupid. That's fucking ridiculous. Fuck off, Batman.

It's one city. Grow up. Know what I mean? Yeah, I agree. Green Lantern Corps are like, we're looking after the fucking planet, Batman. We're looking after the universe. For some reason,

you've got this petty little bullshit so that when we come down, you've got to give us grief. My parents were shot. Boo fucking hoo. Your whole town's going to be flooded if we don't help. I would imagine a giant hand coming up, scooping Gotham up into the sun.

Yep. That's a good way to solve the Gotham problem. How do you solve the Gotham problem of crap? Never mind. Good. So why does he have a job? I assume it's just to get close to Lois. What is it?

Crazy. Is it like a normal? Get close to Lois Batman. All I can think of is... I guess he needs money. Does he? Does Superman eat? Like if you give Superman a plum, is that good?

Yes. He loves only plums. That is good. You just go up to Superman with a plum and you just pop it in his mouth. He loves it. He's like... He could crush the pip. He could. Swallow it whole.

No, I just like, does he need... He could. Do you know what he could do? He could keep the pip in his mouth and spit it at his enemies. Superman, a big sack of plums. Couldn't he just like spit the plum at? Really? With his force, it doesn't really matter what you're spitting.

He wants to eat the plums. But if he could eat the plum, I mean, he could crush the seed and eat that and get the nutrients of that because he could swallow it. I think he's trying to make a weapon and consume a plum. He's got laser vision! He doesn't need a fucking plum pit!

He gets a feed and he gets to recycle and he gets to commit a murder. Three things Superman loves. No, but he must need to eat. He consumes food. No, no, no, the sun. It's the sun. But he'll also eat like a scientist.

I don't think we've ever really seen him eat. I think he might eat in... I think he eats in Batman v Superman. I think you see him eat before he gets into the bath with Lois. Okay. He's making an egg, but it's a fake looking egg. Hey, Lois, is this convincing? What?

Never mind. So is that like a ruse to the Lois? Like, see, I eat eggs. It's good. Lois is like, I know you're Superman. Why do you keep doing it? It's not for you, Lois. It's for them.

It points at the camera. That's a plastic egg, Clark. What are you doing? Lois is like, what are you doing? Camera. The people watching, Lois. The cinema Lois. There they are. So if he

doesn't eat and he doesn't drink, then all he needs is a place to lie down and like... And he's got the fortress of solitude. He needs basically paying for rent. But he doesn't. But he could sleep in the streets. He could. He could sleep in the fortress of solitude. He's got a house.. But he doesn't. He could sleep in the streets. He could. He could sleep in a fortress of solitude. He's got a house. The reason you have shelter is to stop

you from getting stabbed by a crazy hobo. That's not the reason people have houses. That's a reason. So someone stabs Superman and nothing. You don't feel it. I don't even know if Superman gets cold. Do you reckon Superman would feel bad though if someone tried to stab him in his sleep and it broke their knife? Yeah, he'd buy him a new one.

Or repair it with his laser eyes. He'd buy him a new knife and point him towards Gotham. He's like, we don't want your kind in Metropolis. Get out of Metropolis, please. But then he'd get them as Batman. That's true. Is that why he looks after Metropolis a lot? Because then he's like, the streets are clean and I can just have a quick kip.

I feel like I've read at least three Batman stories which include a character being like I went to Metropolis and it was great and then I came back to this shithole. So maybe. So okay, I guess why is he doing a job? He's not doing a job. He's not taking on being a journalist because he needs the money. No. Because I guess he just don't. He doesn't need the money. It must be for

like a sense of normalcy. Man of steel. I think it's solely just to have gross alien sex with Lois. So the only reason I can think that he's there is to be close and keep an eye on Lois, which is creepy. You know what? We forget that Superman's just a farm boy. Alright? We're all

forgetting that he's just a kid that grew up in Kansas that also happens to be an alien. So I like to think that he just really wanted to be a journalist. It's like... I want him to be a journalist that he should, it's like, yeah, but he does. I want to be a journalist that he should actually write his article. Maybe he's not very good.

Well, evidently. Doesn't mean you've got to be successful. Yeah, but like he's not trying. Is the problem Clark or is the problem Perry White? Because he's like, I asked you to do a sports column and all I get is this, you know, is the Batman. Did he print those articles? The Batman articles? Because if he did, that's real bad on Barry White.

He's like, I printed this article he wrote for me so I can throw it down on your desk. Maybe it just comes down to the failing of print media and Barry White just doesn't give a fuck anymore. He's like, yeah, whatever. What did you do before this? Literally nothing? Yeah, come on. Hey, this is a garbage idea

but mostly because it's going to seem like I'm... Anyway, I'm just going to say it. Yeah. Podcasting. For Superman? Yep, because it doesn't matter if people know his identity because he just recorded as Superman and he gets ad revenue.

Hey, that's not a bad idea. Can you start a Patreon? I am Superman. I'm Clark Kent. Hey. No, he wouldn't be like, I'm Clark Kent. He'd be like, I'm Superman. Well, that's not getting Clark Kent, he wouldn't be like, I'm Clark Kent. He'd be like, I'm Superman. Well, that's not getting Clark Kent a job.

That's getting Superman a job. Well, no, because Clark Kent would get the, I guess he could be like, I'm Clark Kent. But that's not, no one wants to listen to Clark Kent. No, you're both dickheads. He goes, I'm Clark Kent, and this is my podcast where I talk to Superman. And all it is is him with a microphone,

and he's like, hey, Superman. Hey, Clark Kent. One microphone. Everyone's like, thatman hey clock one microphone everyone's like that sounds like one track no one can sell how many tracks there are no he's just very talented at it and then he just you know people want to hear what superman's got to say so it's how superman feels about the talking points it's kind of like an updated version almost of what he does anyway does he though as i know it's like say spider, Spider-Man, like, takes pictures of, sorry, Peter Parker takes pictures of Spider-Man,

but does Clark, like, I got a personal in to Superman. Is it? I think sometimes, but that could just be because this, I feel like that I've seen Superman do that in, like, animated stuff, but that also could be that my memory is hazy because I was a child. Magician. Oh! So he can do a lot of

tricky shit, which he could be like, ah, it's a trick of the trade, right? He can act like a bumbling dickhead because that's what you want from a magician sometimes. So, he could just act like that. He'd have the whole hunch thing. He could wear a big old overcoat. Whatever. Do some card

tricks. But he's still going to learn magic. Yeah. No. No. Freeze breath Laser eyes X-ray vision None of these are magic tricks X-ray vision definitely is X-ray Yes

But also you need to I'm gonna tell you what you got in your pocket This A phone and a wallet Whoa I like your magic With a card Can you

Can you Can you see X-ray vision On the opposite side I don't know Can he control it Like when he looks at people Does he just see bones Well in Smallville With a card, can he see X-ray vision on the opposite side? I don't know, can he control it? When he looks at people, does he just see bones? In Smallville, he gets horny and his X-ray vision goes off and he keeps seeing everyone's guts

and it fucks him up I was going to say, yeah, okay What level of control does he have? He learns to control it I just like the idea of Clark Kent going on Penn and Teller's Fool Us, and then when they write it down all they've written down is you're Superman I see you've

I think you fooled us I think yeah it didn't work you're Superman that would be a thing to be like alright they go on Penn and Teller's Fool Us and someone does a trick and then they're like you're a meta human yes or no no man you just couldn't have Penn and Teller's

Fool Us in that. Or even if you could, you'd be like, I'm not impressed by this. I saw Superman punch a comet. Yeah, like, whatever. Magicians, that's the saddest thing about the DC or Marvel Universe is the magicians are mostly out of a job. Street busker, I guess, as a musician? Musician?

Musician. Musician? I meant magician, but hey, here we are. Musician! He'd have to learn an instrument. I mean, he's an apt learner, surely. I mean, we've had absolutely no evidence to suggest otherwise,

so, sure. I reckon he'd be good on the drop. No, the drums would be the worst for him. And guitar, he'd break all the strings. Nah, he'd be a shit, he'd be a terrible. Terrible? Terrible. I was going to say, like, a wind instrument, but nah. He'd blow too hard, explode him. He'd be a good actor.

How? Oh, yes. No, you know how I know he'd be a good actor? Because he puts on glasses and does his hair slightly differently and no one realizes it's the same person. So he must be really, really good at like nuanced performance. You have to be. What about entrepreneur?

So he does my prospector thing once. He's like shit. Gets the cash and then he just invests in things that he think will go well and then that generates him income we'll see off supermans hey that's a boring answer but it's the best one yes or what he could do is just actually if you just fuck off clark kent and just fly off to space, grab one of them diamond meteors, crush it up, or a gold meteor, or whatever the fuck. Just grab a hunk. That's not a job. That's a one-off expedition.

And then become an entrepreneur. But then everyone's going to be like, hey, Clark, where did you... I guess the question comes back to why does Superman have a job as Clark Kent? What's his reasoning? I don't know. Oh, wait, is it just to get closer to humans because he loves people? He is human, basically. He's not human.

Well, he's not got a human physiology, but he's like we've established. You know, you raise a dog. Yeah. And that dog spends a lot of time with humans and no other dogs. This is more like, you know if dogs raise you. If dogs raise a feral boy. Hang on, we've got documentation of this, don't we? Yeah, dogs have a feral boy Hang on, we've got documentation of this

Don't we? Yeah, dogs have raised feral boys Well, wolves have raised feral boys So what happened? The boy's feral What do you mean, what happened? What happened to the boy? Was he well adjusted to the wolf society?

Was he a wolf? He was loved by the wolves But hated by people? Yeah, well then we bring him into man's society And he's yeah, he was loved by the wolves. But hated by people? Yeah, well, then we bring him into man's society and he's like, I hate it! Often they run back to live with the wolves. How often does this happen? Ah, heaps.

It has, look it up. Just stacks. So somebody raised by tigers, they recently found a little girl raised by chimps. That's alright. Chimps is fine. You just get worst case scenarios wait a second is that a real thing or is that

just plot of war for the planet of the apes that's what I'm thinking of let me look it up because that definitely is a thing I know this is totally unrelated but it just reminded me, do you know the ending of Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is exactly the same as Goldeneye but with chimps what? yep, it's almost like. Do you know the ending of Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is exactly the same as Goldeneye, but with chimps?

What? Yep. It's almost like it plays out exactly the same. Show your workings. Okay, so Goldeneye is James Bond, 007, and his good friend Trevelyan, 006. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's a fake death situation.

And anyway, it turns out that Trevelyan's a bad guy, and then James Bond has a chance to save him, and Treve trevallion's like thank goodness because we're together in this he says for england james and then james says no for me and let's go over and he falls to his death in dawn for the planet of the apes uh the same thing happens and then there's a fight on a very similar thing and then caesar and kuba i think his name is Cuba. Cuba. Yeah. Cuba drops and he's like apes. Yeah.

Apes together strong. And then Caesar says, you're no ape and drops him. And exactly the same thing happens. Well, anyway, it's the same. I've watched the movie blew my mind. They both are spies for England. And that was interesting. Yeah.

There was a boy raised by ostriches. Fuck off. His name was Hadara, and he lived in the Sahara Desert. He was raised by ostriches for five years. There was a kid raised by sheeps, by pumas. There were seven kids raised by primates, four raised by wolves. It happens. I like the ones that are raised by sheeps.

That one might be apocryphal. I don't know. Okay, so it happens. I like the ones that are raised by sheeps. That one might be apocryphal. I don't know. Okay, so it happens. So what is Clark getting out of a job? What does he need? I assume... Close to humans? Yep. And he gets to live a normal human life.

But he doesn't. No matter what he's doing, he's always chuffing off to be Superman. Oh, yeah. So he also needs a job where he can just chuff off. I assume Superman's the burden in his life. You know what I mean? Yeah. No, you're thinking of Spider-Man.

No, Superman. Because Superman's never like, I quit being... Because, see, the difference here is, and this is fucking... This is like, this is some scathing... No, this is some deep analysis. Some scathing analysis. The real Spider-Man is Peter Parker Parker but the real Clark Kent is Superman so Superman is the real him

you've got it twisted it's why Batman and Superman are such good opposites such good opposites as you put your hands together such good opposites Superman is the mask Clark Kent puts on.

No, no, no. Other way around. Clark Kent is the mask that Superman puts on. But he is Clark Kent. No, he's Superman. I disagree. His real name is If you're raised in Smallville as a human boy, you're raised in Smallville as a human

boy and then you move to the big city. I'm pretty sure this is a big speech in Kill Bill Volume 2. Yeah. The whole point is that... Well, don't listen to that guy. He talks about the whole thing being like, hey, it's Superman. He's the only one of us, like all superheroes, whatever,

that has a secret identity that is a normal person because he's the person who has to invent a flaw. Yeah, see, I think it's, well, like, I get that, but I also think it's like Bruce Wayne doesn't really exist. Okay. Bruce Wayne is Batman's front so that he can keep Batman-ing, yeah? No. Like, Bruce Wayne doesn't enjoy being Bruce Wayne. He enjoys being Batman. Yeah. And everything Bruce Wayne does leads to him being able to Batman, right? Yeah, that's why he's got the company

He doesn't really care about the company Other than the fact that he can get Lucius Fox to make him sick new cars Yes But it's the opposite for Superman Though in Batman The Dark Knight Rises He clearly gives up being a Batman So he can go

I don't know why he does that That's very out of character for Batman He doesn't Batman for seven years in between that. And he is... Don't use that one. And he's Bruce Wayne for multiple years whilst he trains, but he doesn't decide to be Batman at all.

But when he decides to be Batman, he's Batman. Whereas Superman's life... For like a couple of weeks. Superman's life is Clark Kent's life. You know what I mean? You know, he's got Lois. Lois is not part of his Superman life. It's part of his Clark Kent life. Yes, she is. Lo is not part of his Superman life. It's part of his Clark Kent life.

Yes, she is. No, Lois is part of his Superman life. She falls in love with Superman first. Yeah. You dickhead. Well, that's stupid. And every time... No, no, no.

You're stupid. Yeah. Because she's like, oh, God, I love Superman. You're thinking of Spider-Man. And Clark's like, oh, man, I'm cocking myself. It's real weird. I think I'm thinking of Smallville. Where he's like, I'm just a guy.

Anyway, that's always been my favorite version of Superman. Where he's like, I'm just a dude. I'm a farm boy. my favourite version of Superman, where he's like, I'm just a dude. I'm a farm boy. I've got farm boy morals. He's not a farm... The whole point with Smallville is he learns he's more than that. Yeah, but also keeps his farm boy roots. He's more than a bird. He's more than a plane. Yeah, well, whatever.

Let's agree to disagree. But we come to blows. He wants to be... For his ideal job as Superman, he wants to be closer to humans. So he's got something where he can chuff off, so he can kind of have his Superman cover, as it were. Superman cake and eat it too.

Yes. So what else does he have to have? So he likes to be close to people. No money because we decided... Money's not an option. He doesn't care. No, he doesn't need it. The only reason he'd need money is to keep up the like ruse you know what I mean

to be like yeah I have a house yeah true because if he's trying to say Clark Kent we're like where do you live and he's like oh nowhere

and we can say look he does like media so likes media because it's the only thing I can kind of think of of why he might want to do that he's interested in it maybe he was in like

a film club an AV club as it were yeah yeah in his high school yeah we'll make that canon we're making that canon AV club I think he was in like a film club, an AV club as it were. Yeah, yeah. In his high school. Yeah? We're making that canon. All right.

I think he was. I mean, I'm thinking of Man of Steel when he melts the door handle. Isn't that an AV club? I don't know. I don't remember that film. I remember him hiding in a cupboard. Yeah, that's straight after that scene. Yeah, all right.

So he loved his AV club. All right. So what job? What job? AV club Chuff off any time and be close to humans So what kind of closeness to humans are you arguing That Superman wants? Is it just like to learn

Their nature? I think he knows their nature, but I guess it's just to be around them so that he feels normal Because I was going to say YouTube Ah! Then you learn about all the scum of humanity. Well, yeah, but then you can go and get them.

Plus, you know, so many YouTubers or whatever wear like a stupid mask or whatever, so he doesn't even have to show his face ever. He can just put on like a fucking hockey mask and be like, hey, it's me, I'm Superman. Oh, no, whoops. Clark Kent. Clark Kent, he's the top ten list of, I don't know. Guys, Superman punched real good into the sun.

I think it's funny that whenever- Anyway, like, comment, and subscribe. If you hate it, I'll find you. What? No matter how many times we've tried to come up with a new job, even right now where we're prospector and stripper and fireman aside, we still come down to a form of media. Well, no, because that's one of the criteria now. Yeah. Well, yeah, but

I mean, like, even beforehand, we were like, podcast? Or maybe like a vlogger kind of thing. Because again, it depends what kind of journalist kind of stream he wants to do. Is he going to be doing sports journalism, which evidence shows no. Hates it. Or

I reckon just give him a blog. What else? Just give him a blog. Give else? Just give him a blog. Give him a live journal. He can... Actually, I'm going to hire him to come work at a cinema. I'm wearing my work uniform currently, so if I sound very professional, it's because I'm wearing a tie. Straight up question, though.

What is he a journalist for? What do you mean? Like, what is he specialising in? Lois Lane's an investigative journalist. What is Clark Kent? What is his byline? The peon journalist Is he interested in politics?

Is he? I think so He doesn't seem to know how the congress works He's interested in justice The justice system? Crime? Justice department? I guess he goes and

Did he talk to someone he threw a guy through a wall in the middle east yeah but you know when he talks about the guy in in prison how he's like uh the batman is branding people in prison did he actually go and investigate that or did he watch someone else report about that and then write a response article and then tell that to perry white because i think that's what happened now that i think about it that's pretty he didn't go and interview a prison guard. He didn't go interview a prisoner. He simply watched a bit of news on another channel.

Oh yeah, a TV that's in the office. And he's like, Perry, why aren't we investigating that? And Perry's like, shut up. Which is so stupid because that's like... He didn't do anything. He just watched a fucking thing on the news and then just said like, I'm going to write about that. He himself didn't go and do the research.

He Googled other articles about that and then submitted something about Batman being a torture dickhead. I assume it's got to be, like, in Smallville, right? Clark Kent, he's, like, not great in the AV club, but he thinks he's hot shit, right? And he writes up all this stuff and he's like, fuck, I'm a great journalist. But he doesn't really know what journalism is about. And then he goes to Metropolis, and for whatever reason, Perry White hires him.

And he's like, fuck, yeah, I'm hot shit. But he doesn't know what he's doing. And Perry White just keeps him around. To make fun of him? I don't know. For eye candy? Guys, are we fucking idiots? I got it.

Works for BuzzFeed. I mean, it kind of fits every criteria it's sad because you know superman or clark kent would never realize that that's not journalism you know what i mean like it's perfect for him he's just gonna like reblog like reblog gifs and tiny little snippets and be like these are the reasons why we should be persecuting the bat. And then just have like 16 different images and then be like there I am, mind

blown. If you were a Kansas kid, you'd remember these. Fucking, this episode's for scathing political commentary and hot takes on the internet. That's when people come to Plumbing the Dust stuff. Oh damn, right. So I reckon Buzzfeed is the perfect job for Clark Kent. Or whatever you call that kind of journalist,

where it's like, I'm just posting a list of things, but still I think I'm hot shit. You're a real Kansas kid, or you're a Smallville kid, if you remember the big comment. You're a real Kansas Smallville kid, if you remember that time superboy lifted a car yeah uh it's like i like more like 16 things you think that x-ray vision doesn't work on that it totally does top 10 like uh members of the jla and there's like superman one no i reckon he put superman

second just so he's like i'll never catch on number one's aquaman my good friend I mean Arthur Curry I mean Aquaman don't want to reveal any secret identities on this blog but my backspace is broken already we're going over the word count for BuzzFeed there it is another hot take fucking cop that

so I think that's a journalist in that vein is I think the's, look, a journalist in that vein is I think the most appropriate place to put Clark Kent. It just makes sense. For some reason he insists on having a job. Like if I were to meet

Clark Kent face to face, I would be like, dude, just don't worry about it. You're good. Sleep in a park. Sleep in the dirt, man. Who cares? But he wants to be close to people and you know, he thinks he's great at media. So yeah.

I think that's probably the most appropriate place for him. Hey, as an aside, you know how Spider-Man takes photos of himself? Yeah. And he puts them to

J. Jonah Jameson on the Daily Bugle. Who's like, yeah, good. He's a menace. Fuck this Spider-Man. Do you reckon Spider-Man when he's Spider-Man hanging out with other

Marvel superheroes is ever like, can I get a quick shot? Surely. I think he's with Daredevil. Is he like, hey, Daredevil, can I get a quick shot? Surely. Like if he's with Daredevil is he like, hey Daredevil, can I get a photo of you? He doesn't need to ask Daredevil. What was that? Daredevil would hear a click and be like, oi!

Did you take a photo of me? No. You better not. Well, it'd be. He'd never know. He'd be reading the Daily Bugle, he'd have no idea. He wouldn't be reading the Daily Bugle at all. He might just be reading in Bra Bugle. He'd have no idea. He wouldn't be reading the Daily Bugle at all. Yeah, I guess. He'd be reading it in Braille. Why am I holding this paper?

I'm blind. Yeah, there's probably a Braille in it. With Spider-Man, he generally, remember in the 90s cartoon there, he kind of webs the camera on a timer to a bit and then tries to guess when he's in frame. That's terrible.

That's very bad. Doesn't he have a remote sometimes as well? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A clicker. He does. So maybe he tries to do that and like takes candid pictures of him and hanging out with the human torch and then when johnny's there being like the fuck is this excuse me where the hell was that is such a breach of privacy surely he they just but like just because like spider you know if spider-man's like hey look i'm poor real life, and it'll net me some money if I can take a photo with you, Iron Man, is it cool if I do that?

And Iron Man's like, well, it's no skin off my nose, so go ahead. Or Iron Man could just give them. I'll give you a hundred bucks if you don't take a photo with me. Is that good? Is that enough for you, Spider-Man? It's funny that Spider-Man's poor. Got him. And on that note,

I've been Joel. I've been Jack. And I've also been Joel. Get a job. It's not easy to be me. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to SandsPantsRadio.com, and you'll

find all our other content there. There's heaps! And if you want to support us, head to SandsPantsPlus.com. Thank you again for listening, and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.