Plumbing the Death Star - What Video Game Boss Would Make the Best Boss? (Ft. Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall)

Episode Date: November 3, 2019

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and Cass unleash onto an unsuspecting dinosaur land. Once upon a time in 94, Montel had no money life sure was... Am I introducing myself? Okay, right. That was, by the way, the beginning of the rap from This Is How We Do It by Montel Jordan. So, hi, I'm Alistair George William Trombley-Burchell, and I have a podcast called Two in the Think Tank,

and then also a guided meditation podcast called Shusher Guided Meditations. It's a comedy guided meditation thing. And that is me. Gosh. Welcome to today's episode of Plumbing the Death Star where we ask the important questions like what video game boss would make the best boss? Yeah. I like that the best real boss is, I think, what we've said. Oh, no, no, we haven't.

Real boss. We make the best boss, just in general. What's the difference? Well, I don't know. Bowser's fake. All video games are fake. I like that. It's like, yeah, we have history and fake.

Yeah. Tony Hawk's not fake. He's that. It's like, yeah, we have history and fake. Yeah. Tony Hawk's not fake. He's real. Anyway, Bowser. But wait, but unless you can, are we really controlling Tony Hawk? So hang on. Yes. So any video game, like say a sports video game is not fake. Real.

True even, I would say. So we have, we no longer have, okay, so genre of, so Tetris, what's that? Fake. Okay. It's not really happening. Anyway. What about a fishing game? Real.

What about if it's an animated fishing game? Fake. Anyway, Bowser. Bowser. King of the Koopas. Bowser K. Koopa in charge of the Koopalings. What do we think he would make a good boss?

Nobody ever complains. I think a testament to Bowser's prowess as a CEO is that no Goomba is ever like, no. That's true. He seems to be a lot of the little guy. He always gives a lot of people attention, and he seems to give a lot of the little guy He always gives a lot of people attention And he seems to give a lot of people actual jobs He's a job creator

There's no one in the Mushroom Kingdom Out of a job Do we have to assume that if we are working for Bowser We are Koopas and Goombas Am I basically Am I in Mario World 1-1 Standing there waiting for Mario to come and jump on my head? Yes. Yeah, but I mean, most of the job

is not that. It's mostly just walking back and forward, which sounds nice. That's pretty easy. You're out, you get an exercise. You're outside, lovely sun. Always there. You have a night time. When is it night time? Permanently not night time. You would want to get one of those outdoor

ones and not be in a pipe. That would be rough to get your roster and be like, it's pipe duty again. I'm down in the pipe. Do I recall that occasionally that sun would get really angry and shoot things at you? Yes. Yeah, that is a worry. And sometimes well, hang on, would the sun shoot things

at everyone or just Mario? It's just Mario or whatever. But that's all we would see we don't know what the sun is like when we're like you know when he's not on screen it's weird because some enemies in mario are clearly just like fish so like they don't work for bowser they're just another thing mario's got to deal with what it's rough though From a boss perspective Okay so Imagine we are

Bowser Done And we're in a position Where we've got to decide Who we're putting In Mario's way Great Bowser Robotic movement

Well I've got to have A big shell And I've got to be bigger Okay And first of all A Goomba Who has no arms And only legs

And a big domed head Comes in And you're like The perfect place for you Is the first thing Mario's going to see Okay The first Okay Alright So you and a big domed head comes in and you're like, the perfect place for you is the first thing Mario's going to see. Okay, the first, okay. All right, so you're a big Goomba. You've got a big head, feet, no arms.

Okay, we can't give you a hammer. That's out. All right, but you can walk. Okay, left, right, be an obstacle. Perfect. I got to go for that. He's innovative. No, but is that clever?

It's so clever. What else can the Goomba do? I think he's... But don't employ him. I mean, it sounds like a boss who's very inclusive. That's true. He is giving people jobs based on their abilities. I mean, that's somebody who's thought it through.

It's a very kind of compassionate boss. Yeah, maybe you're right. He's not like that little hammer turtle boy. Yeah. Like, he's not giving that job to a Goomba. No. Imagine them being like, here's your helmet, little hammer turtle boy. Yeah. Like, he's not given that job to a Goomba. No. Imagine them being like, here's your helmet, the hammer, some knee pads, go nuts. The Goomba's like, meh.

I just think it's maybe irresponsible to put a Goomba in Mario's way. Okay, I'm a Goomba. Okay. All right. I come up to you guys, I guess the joint Bowser's. Hey, we're Bowser's. Hey, how are you? And I'm like, hi, I would like a job.

I have no arms, and I am just a very big head with feet. We're going to put you in cabins, okay? You're poisonous to touch. You make Mario do the woo, and he falls off the stage. I do hate little Italian men. We all hate little Italian men. But we don't like you that much, so we're going to put you right after he gets that star.

Yeah, so you're going to be in the Y. But if you don't want to be put there we do accept gold coins I have a gold coin in me that is I believe my soul I'm not an employee yet and I think if it was this wouldn't be good

can I unionize I want to unionize where are the guts of a goomba can you get a goomba up i want to figure out where his anus is excellent i just i've just sort of realized i don't know what the fuck the inside of it i mean it's not gonna it's not gonna be at the top because you don't want to ever have anything sort of dripping down if you look at a goomba they got like they look like well like a penis but with a very big head. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So like the short, I guess, shaft, that would be where his bottle is.

So between his two shoes, that's where the anus is. Yeah, if those are shoes, those could be just turds. Yeah, that's true. Just resting in a couple of shoes. They just stick up against the base of the mushroom part, and then you can use them to run. There's got to be someone's done just an anatomy drawing of a Goomba, which is not very helpful.

No, it's not at all. They call them a fungus, though, so maybe they're just a mushroom. Maybe. I mean, toadstools don't have anuses, so maybe this is like a kind of fruitless exercise somewhat. Okay, so Bowser on that front, probably put, okay,

I rescind my statement. He's put the Goombas somewhere useful. Exactly. I think because he has, he kind of, he's working with what he's got. Yeah. Know what he wants.

He's like, he's not looking at a Goomba being like, I wish you had arms. I wish, you know, could do anything else, bar just walk left and right. Yeah.

Or when we get to 3D in a bit more of a pattern. In a couple of directions, yeah. And then maybe he's in a... Because the Goombas naturally stack or was that something that was taught by Bowser? Was he like, get on top of each other, we're going to make you tall, see if that's better, see if that works.

Guys, look, I understand that we've gone through like several years of unproductivity. And so, look, I know this Mario, the biggest problem is he's jumping on you. What if you were too tall for him to jump on you? All the Goombas are going, what do you mean? We're still tiny. We're still short. No.

He's like, no. You stupid fucks. Have you ever seen some kind of palm tree? Yeah, you're going to look like that. It's going to work out. And obviously it never does. What if maybe when the Goombas come to Bowser, they're actually just regular mushrooms.

And the way that they become Goombas is essentially carnivorous. They've got those fangs which suggest that they're carnivorous. Maybe that's what he gets out of them as an employee. That's how good he is. Oh. You know, is that he can take a sort of an... An inanimate mushroom. An inanimate mushroom and through, I guess,

boss-like motivational speaking, he can make them sort of animate. You are more than just a mushroom. Yeah. And then slowly the mouth forms on the mushroom. Exactly. And these eyes kind of start popping out. What do we think about the fact that the ultimate goal

of Bowser's company, as it were, is I don't know what it is. What is his company? Well, if Bowser... Okay, let's discuss Bowser's plan as a boss. Step one, kidnap Princess Peach. Step two...

What is step two? He's distributing wealth because, again. Is he? Yeah, because he's putting a coin in every single Goomba. Oh, that's true. I didn't know he was putting the coin in them. Well, now I'm trying to think because there's money in a lot of, you know. Is there money in the Goombas?

I know there's points. Yeah. There's money in a Goomba. Is there money in a Goomba? Is there money in a Goomba? There's money in bricks, random bricks around the place. He's like, I'll just go hide some of my money in here. No one will ever find my cash if it's in these bricks. I'm 80% sure.

Imagine hiding his coins in a Goomba. Imagine hiding your money in a brick and then watching a man punch that brick. How could he possibly have known? How did he know? How could he possibly have figured out that's where I put my one gold coin Mario must have somebody on the inside yeah absolutely he must have like an Italian

who has infiltrated it and hidden himself as either a Goomba or like one of those Mario for some reason he put the money in the bricks he's like a contractor he's like yeah I'm a brickie are you saying that I gotta break these bricks with my hands

yes if you wanted the money Mario maybe just a way of like he's clearly a dodgy cousin he's like alright Mario I got a way of laundering all this money so what we do is we get some gold coin and now I got a job in the mushroom kingdom I make a way of laundering all this money. So what we do, we'll get some gold coin. And now I got a job in the Mushroom Kingdom.

I make a lot of the brick. Yeah. I put the coin in the brick. I leave that for a couple of years. Now you come along, punch the brick, get the coin, and later on we shave. The greatest money laundering scheme in the world. Who going to expect?

You go to a million laundromats and fish and chip shops around this country and you bulldoze them, you'll find that the walls are just gold. Where's the money, Mario? In the brick. Mario, you fucking moron.

By the way, when you were talking as that guy, I was picturing an Italian man who had shaved himself and put on a little turtle shell so that he could infiltrate into Bowser's kingdom. Mario, Mario, don't jump on me. Don't jump on me.

It's Antonio. I got a job. I'm working now. Tell my mom. He looks like, what's his name, Garth from? Oh, yeah. I'm imagining the Master of Disguise. As a turtle. Dana Carvey. I'm imagining the Master of Disguise. As a turtle.

As a big Martina Carvey. I'm a turtle. It's not me, Mario. It's your brother. Your third missing brother, Pasquale. Was it with you guys that somebody was telling me that during, while they were filming that exact scene is when 9-11 happened? Yeah.

Yeah. That's where 9-11 happened. And they all had a moment of silence on the set of The Master of Disguise. How did that happen? How did anyone get through that? That changes you. You don't come out of that the other side normal. Maybe we just wrap up.

Maybe stop filming for a day. Today, The Master of Disguise, it's not that important. I'm sure everybody in that moment looked around each other and were like, it's not going to be good, So we can take the day off. Maybe at the time, Dana Carvey's career was very promising and they thought this is what's going to get us out of this horrible scenario. This is your go film. I always think it's crazy.

Off topic, but here it is. No, because I'm with you. So The Emperor's New Groove, right? A Disney film has david spade as the main voice actor yes that's amazing that david spade was once such a powerful celebrity that he was the go-to for disney's animated feature i don't think that's a correct statement but every other if you your go-to comedic lead in a Disney film around that time, you're talking Robin Williams, you're talking Eddie Murphy,

you're talking Danny DeVito, you're talking, and then David Spade. Well, no, because you had Chris Farley as the ogre originally. Yeah. And him and David Spade. That's Shrek. That's different. That's what I mean, him and David Spade used to do a lot of comedy. Shrek's not Disney, though. It's DreamWorks.

And so they figured they would have got the second half of the duo. But maybe, I guess back in the day, they also got Gilbert Godfrey to play the parrot. Like, Gilbert Godfrey, you know, I'm a parrot! It's a strange choice now. We don't know what people, what the 90s were really like, being an adult

in the 90s. It was different, man. You had Danny DeVito. Oh my god, the favourite of children everywhere, David Spade. He was in Just 90s. It was different, man. You see David Spade and you're like, oh my god, the favourite of children everywhere, David Spade. He was in Just Shoot Me. Do you remember Just Shoot Me? Look, these days we look at a person like David Spade and we go, look,

he doesn't have the body or the body of work really to do that. But the right kind of boss, someone like Bowser, can find a place for them. they see bowser sees david spade and bowser says that's a start i know i know where to go i know i know what i can make of this man i can make you a talking llama because right now we're just you know we're putting bowser just in the boss position of running this kingdom yeah you're right but but what what kind of job

would you have with with bowser he could be running i mean he could be and not in the same way that he was but he could be like a weinstein not a not like one i mean i think he would have done a much better job yeah no but like i mean in this position he could be producing films so many other choices so many you could have gone for I don't know who else right now like a John Lasseter

sorry I'm not good at this Bowser could be producing films that's true Bowser could be in films. That's true. Bowser could be in the movie-making business. That's right.

And I think that would be exactly the kind of guy he would go for. David Spade. You go, you're an underdog. You're a little mushroom. You don't have any arms or legs. Well, you got feet, right? You know what? I got a position for you. You're going to be walking back and forth, talking like a llama.

You never get to see what the goompas do. Yeah, you never get to see them outside. What do they want to talk about? Do they have hopes? Do they have dreams? It's unclear. They're probably really sarcastic and wouldn't play a great male boy in Just Shoot Me. Yes, absolutely.

It would be perfect. So we've got a list here of top ten traits of great bosses. Sure. So let's see if Bowser, how well he does. How he fares. So the first one is honesty. Now, as a Goomba, as a humble Goomba, I know that my boss wants to kidnap Princess Peach.

Yeah, I think Bowser. He's very upfront about it. I think he's transparent about that. He's like, I've got to kidnap the. Let's role play. I'll be Bowser, you be a Goomba and a Koopa, and I'll be explaining the plan. Okay, so I gotta kidnap the princess

for reasons that are unclear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay, is she ransom? Is that your money? Maybe I'm in love with her. Okay, and then you get. Maybe I want the kingdom. Do you get half her wealth?

I'm going to hang out at the inner castle next to an axe. probably Mario's going to come and try and grab her. But you're going to be honest and tell him that you've got the princess. Yes, absolutely. Don't be honest with people. That's what I look for in a boss.

I like to be transparent in the things I do. Then it's hardly a crime. If everybody's on the same page, that's all I care about. You're being honest about it. Okay, fantastic. And it's not going to get in the way of you being able to pay any of your employees.

No, of course. That's all right. It doesn't seem like we're doing that much else. Yeah, it doesn't seem like anybody really has a job or a home. I can't farm for just to save my life. It's not like, yeah, okay, you've got no society. You're kind of our produce. In a way, yeah.

But you've given me sentience. Yeah, I've given you purpose. You know, we've managed to just, instead of farming, we can just breed you guys by getting you guys, you know, to have dogs. To grow eyes and mouth. I feel like this is a very productive meeting. That's fantastic. So honesty.

Yeah, absolutely. Wow. The ability to mentor stuff and provide resources. Hell yes. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. He's already got a kingdom. Right there, you've got all the resources

That a kingdom provides So in the Mario games Right You have the Koopas But then you get Koopas With hammers You get Koopas With whips or whatever

So I imagine That's not something Bowser's organised You're a Koopa You come to Bowser You're like Bowser I reckon If I had a hammer

I'd be able to Whop Mario better Than right now Bowser's like Innovator You're in Here's a ball pin hammer Go nuts Here's a ball-peen hammer. Go nuts.

Here's a ball-peen hammer. In fact, here's maybe a little bit of extra wages to then teach other Koopas and buy some more ball-peen hammers to wail away at Mario's kneecaps. Yeah, and imagine some Koopas might be coming to him. They say, hey, look, you know, Bowser, you know. You know, I don't like that much. You know, when he stands, he stands on us

and he hurts us and things like that. He kicks my shell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't really like that. Easter,

you know, could you invest maybe in a pit of lava? Oh yeah, I could put some lava in the way. You know, and I don't know

if this is too much to ask for, but could there be like a fireball that kind of comes out on a periodic basis? Like a very regular, right? Yeah, time. Can you control? Maybe I can create some kind of block out on a periodical basis. Like on a very regular rate. Can you control?

Maybe I can create some kind of block that has like a chain of fire. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That I spin in a circle. Some complicated jumps for him to do. Oh, that's great. Moving platforms. That's better than anything I could have thought of myself. I want to know the production of me.

Can we get one of them stars that make me invincible in a brick so that I can hit it. Well, they're not for you guys. Oh, okay, right. Okay. I'm sorry. Sometimes you gotta take the good with the bad. Could you maybe put them in something

that we could get them out of? I don't think I could do that. No, except bricks. We don't have any hammers. Okay, my office now, all right. We shall can break a brick if... Thank you so much for breaking this. It's on my to-do list.

Man, Mario would be a lot scarier if the Koopa could get that invincibility thing and just chase you. All right, the ability to motivate. Well, it seems like it's working. I mean, they're all, like, obedient. Yeah, yeah. Is that the sign?

No one is, like, you know, not doing their job. Cooper is going left and right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A whip boy's got a whip. Yeah. You know, everyone's there doing their job. Someone was firing a Karen. And that's the thing.

It's like on a- Did you say somebody that's firing a Karen? A Karen. A Karen. Oi, Karen. Karen, get Karen. Karen! Get in! Woo! Maybe all those little missiles with the faces

are called Karen. So, exactly. Karens are being fired, but everything is being done at a regular interval. Which means that the trains are running on time. Absolutely. Bows are leaving. Got the trains running on time.

I mean, look, I don't want to associate Bowser with some horrible person. That wouldn't be like me. No, no, no. I would never have been dreaming about that. But he makes them run on time. And just to think about the operation that has to happen behind the scenes. Yeah, absolutely. The reloading of those cannons from underneath.

The manufacturing of those wh from underneath. The manufacturing of those whips and hammers and things like that. He's got all the infrastructure behind it all. The training to do it at the regular intervals must be... Exactly. I, a human being, do something every 10 seconds.

I have no rhythm. I don't even know if rhythm's the right word. He's managed to give mushrooms rhythm. He cook. I have no rhythm. I don't even know if rhythm's the right word. I don't think so. He's managed to give mushrooms rhythm. He's managed to give mushrooms rhythm. He probably does improv classes with them and things like that and would teach them music and things like that.

He's got some claves out there. One, two, three, four. Good for walking back and forth. One, two, three, four. Goomba walking back and forth. One, two, three, four. We find break dancing gives you all the skills

you need to actually do run the kingdom and things like that. It's great to imagine Bowser grabbing the bottom of a Goomba and spinning him like a top. Like a dreidel. It's a build trust exercise I see the next one on your list Emotional intelligence

I don't know that Bowser has it I don't know that you can kidnap a princess For still reasons that are unclear to me We know he wants to marry her Sometimes Sometimes It's the most recent He wants to marry her So I'm going to's the most recent. Honestly, he wants to marry her.

Yeah, that's true. So I'm going to take his most recent plan as what he wants. Yeah, okay. Right? That is not massively. If you have kidnapped someone to marry that does not want to marry you, which is the case, you are not very emotionally intelligent. So strike for that.

There could be that problem where he might have grown up in one of those countries where that's kind of tradition. Yeah, that's true. And then he kind of feels pressure from his family to do it that way. Mama Bowser, Papa Bowser. That's kind of how we do it. Papa Bowser's like, when I met your mother, she was a princess of three kingdoms over. My father sent me on a journey to kidnap her, and now she loves it.

Man, what a twist to find out that Bowser's parents are a Bowser and a human. That would be a fucking, that would be wild. Trust. Next one is trust. Yeah. So, I trust Bowser. Me too. He's got a trustworthy face.

Yeah. I think by making things run on time, he tells you that, you know, look, you're safe in my hands. Yeah, absolutely. And obviously they you're safe in my hands yeah absolutely and obviously they're not safe in his hands because all the so many of them are getting crushed and this is the thing about being like say a boss so yeah there's a unique level of like manipulation and like sociopathy and some of like narcissism that you need to run like a multi-million dollar company so having someone you can trust, even though you're being sent to your death,

but you kind of do it with a smile on your face. He's very trustworthy. He's not doing a great thing. I am going to die working for him. But hopefully, you know, death comp is good. Have we coloured this relationship and actually everybody just fears Bowser? No, that couldn't be right.

Okay, the willingness to deliver open and honest feedback. I just feel... Hey, where are our masks? Maybe if I spoke to Bowser and I was on a bridge underneath me was lava and I was like,

hey, I had some criticism for Bowser. You might maybe... Look, a button could be pressed and I could fall in lava and there might be an internal investigation To see if it was an accident Or if it was deliberate And like, look

It's going to be an accident most times But it's going to happen a lot Yeah, oh yeah, absolutely No, I think It looks kind of like strikes from here on down Yeah, so the ability to inspire I don't know if I Wait, no

The underlings also go on out and kidnap a princess every now and again. That's true. Yeah, they are known. Bowser Jr. goes and – Yeah, yeah, and even sometimes the Goombas will do it for Bowser. I count that. So that's inspiring. Self-awareness.

Bowser has zero self-awareness. I think maybe some of the other Koopas might be inspired by him that one day they could take over, even though yeah. Even though maybe all his kids die accidentally. Oh, that's sad. And then you could get a regular goop, and maybe you could feed him a bunch of royal jelly like the bees do, and then that's how you get a Bowser. Yes!

I love anything with royal jelly. I always wonder how much royal jelly I would have to eat to become a queen bee. A queen bee. At least like three tubs. Just too much. I'd die first. The willingness to learn what employees need,

which we already covered, because Bowser definitely 100% will always put you in where you need to be. And the last one is compassion. No, he doesn't have that. He did pretty good. He's ticked quite a lot of boxes. What about Dr. Eggman?

Dr. Eggman. Sure. Sonic-spared guy. Okay. Big, spherical, megalomaniac, big mustache, lots of robots. He's got a lot of confidence and, again, big mustache, which is something I would like in a boss. I don't know if I've ever heard Eggman speak,

but I imagine he talks like this. I'll get you next time, Sonic! I imagine a lot of heavy breathing. Yeah, but he's sort of like a Steve Jobs-esque kind of tech genius, I think, from all the robots and different things. He comes out on stage and he's like, Eggman Expo 2020!

Introducing this machine that is like a ball that I sit in, connected to a chain and it spins around. And everybody in the crowd is like. I see him more as like a Clive Palmer-esque type person. A failed politician from Queensland. You know, kind of big, heavy set and being like, I've got a lot of money and so we're going to, you know, put this into a big sphere. Yeah.

I'm going to grow out my moustache because the youth love it. Yeah. And then he's going to spend a lot of money on memes. What do you find? Who do you think was in charge of the most recent Sonic the Hedgehog poster? Isn't that some kind of villainous move by a certain egg man? What do you think is a cause you'd rather fight for?

Turning every little animal into a robotic little animal and capturing Sonic and Tails, or kidnapping indiscriminately a princess? I mean, you're hurting less people by kidnapping one princess. Yeah, yeah.

Wait, wait, wait, though. Kidnap a princess, that means, like, is her kingdom going unruly? Falls into turmoil. That's true. There could be a power vacuum, which could let some political unrest. Yeah. You're right. I hadn't thought about that. What are the unintended consequences of stealing a princess? I don't know. The unintended consequences of killing Sonic and Tails

are minor. Two annoying cunts are dead. That's true. And we don't know what his longer-term plan is with those animals. Because I think that there's a chance that by turning them mechanical, he's trying to stop animal-on-animal violence. Oh, my God. Possibly. No wolf is ever going to attack a gazelle if they're both robots. Exactly.

And he could control them. He can go, no, this is just where food is. You can get a pile of muck over here. Maybe his kind of intent is to domesticate all animals. I think that's, it's not what I'd call a worthy cause. But it is a cause. You can see how his heart might be in the right place if he has a heart. Absolutely.

And again, if we're going to go through like, say, I don't know, Horizon Zero Dawn. Okay. Where it's kind of like all these mechanical creatures, they kind of like, because a lot of life dies out. And maybe, look, maybe Eggman is like, you know, one step ahead of everyone else.

It's like, look, climate change is fucking everything up. Yeah. So a good way to do this is to, like, kill all the real cows and get mechanical cows who do everything that they need to do without that methane issue. Yeah. We have all these grazing animals that churn up that soil

without the other problems. I guess it depends on what you're powering your mechanical cows with. Of course. That toxic runoff. If it's electric and then those electric batteries are charged yes through some renewable power i think you could have a game here i think

even if eggman's aim was to just kill sonic and tails i would be on board if eggman was like jackson we're gonna kill this hedgehog i'll be like i gotta agree put some pants on him let's do it and then i'd run off. It'd be one of the bosses of Green Hill Zone, and it'd just be me, and I'd just wile on that hedgehog. Yeah, this piece of shit's running too fast. He's stealing our money. He's stealing our money.

Our golden rings. Our golden rings. What an annoying currency. Because you know, like, back in the old days, when you used to be able to just leave your doors unlocked. Yes. Well, before that, that, people used to say, remember when you used to just be able to keep all your rings out near all those sort of bendy curves out in the open? Yeah, remember when you used to be able to keep your rings in the television before the bendy curve? These days Sonic the Hedgehog will jump on it twice.

Exactly. Great, you had to keep all your rings in a row. Yeah. All nicely like neat. keep all your rings in a row. Yeah. All nicely, like, neat. I'm a man who likes order. I like seeing my rings in a row. And then some blue dickhead has to come and take them all. I would love a little animation, Zammett,

of you in, like, one of the industrial zones just before a ring, gently placing the last ring, arranging it so they're in a row, standing back, and then Sonic... Tiny mammals! I also like to imagine at the end, because there's always that bit where you run

before you fight Eggman, and Sonic running and whacking him in the knees with a bat, stealing his shoes, running off the other way. Stealing his shoes, swing him around my neck, and just run. Sonic can't get anywhere on barefoot. He'll get a blister.

What animal was Tails? I think it was a fox. A fox, of course. They shouldn't fly. No, that's ridiculous. The idea of some kind of flying fox? No, thank you. No one's ever heard of that.

No one's ever heard of that. The very idea. Some kind of monstrosity. Yeah. Two in the brain. Brap, brap. Eggman, great boss. I'm on board.

Yeah, exactly. He probably takes every one of these traits. He's honest. Yeahp, brap. Eggman, great boss. I'm on board. Yeah, exactly. He probably takes every one of these traits. He's honest. Yeah, honest as hell. He can motivate people. He's very trustworthy and he's got a high

emotional intelligence because he is seeing not just what the world is but how it's going to be. And how it should be. So he's going to be like, right, I got this.

Let's make it better. Let's make the world a better place. Absolutely. Not just for me but for other egg men and women out there. absolutely i would vote one egg man all the egg people all the egg people of this beautiful globe all right all right all right what about no look you know i just went atb if you go on

uh well you know i thought you know resident evil yeah. I mean, what about the idea of having a boss that is like a horde of zombies? Yeah, you know? Because, I mean, look, they're just trying to get everybody to be a bit more like them. That's true. It's kind of like a hive mind situation.

And we were talking about Royal Jolly. That's true. They're just being bit. Can we do a little role play here? Yeah. I'll be the horde of zombies. You be two workers coming in who need something. Okay.

Right. Okay. Hey, horde of zombies. Hey. Hey, one of the horde of zombies. So we're out of staples. And I tell you, the guy came over to fix the printer, but it's still broken.

I tell you, the guy came over to fix the printer, but it's still broken. And I feel that by having so many wants and needs, I'm getting in the way of what you guys want. And I was wondering if you could just bite me. And I could just get brains as well. And look, so I need a week off. So me and the missus We're going Flinging stuff off my desk Me and the missus

It's our anniversary Sit back down to my office chair Look I'd be really nice We could take the week off We've got a nice little cabin We could go to Pulling out a calendar Slamming a bloody hand Down on an alternate date We've got a nice little cabin we could go to. Pulling out a calendar,

slamming a bloody hand down on an alternate date. Okay, I'll come in on the weekend. Get out of my office. All right. I like, ATP, that you tricked me by presenting me with a problem only a zombie could solve. You came in and you're like, I need to be bit. I think the fact that I need other things that you can't do, you just need to fix me by making me need what you need.

If you just bite me, all I need is brains. And I think there's an element in which once everybody is a zombie, then it's kind of a leaderless. Yeah, it's kind of, it's anarchy. It's like, yeah, well, I mean, it's kind of a leaderless... Yeah, it's kind of... It's like socialism. Everybody gets... There's no ownership over anything. It's like you get to eat whatever brains

you've got your hands or teeth on. You never see really, in a zombie movie, the zombies fighting. Everyone descends on the body. If you miss out, you're just like, well, there's heaps of them. The problem with the world is that the rest of the world isn't

zombies. And they're trying to fix this problem. And they have all the necessary tools to do so. They've got teeth. Teeth and hands. And legs to carry those teeth around. Well, let's go through our list

for the horde of zombies. Honestly, well, they know what they want no zombie has ever lied although very funny to see one pretending to be a guy or like a zombie come in and go leg oh he just wants leg yeah no problem wait a second

a zombie just cup of sugar. Come in. I'm going to go with my gut and trust it. Just sitting down on the sofa. Would you like a cup of tea? Just sugar. I'm making tea.

It's no problem. Just getting the cup and just slamming themselves in the fire. You've got a bit of tea on yourself there, buddy. Hey,

let me just get the alcohol. Let me clean it up. And then when you go in and they bite. down in the chest, eat your head. And now a quick word

from our sponsor. Also, if you want to keep up to date with everything we do, why not join our newsletter? Just check the show notes or head to our website, sanspantsradio.com, and sign up today. So zombies, if they could be dishonest, it would be a boon to them. But unfortunately they can't. Again, the ability to mentor and provide resources,

so they can provide brains. And again, to mentor and provide resources, so they can provide brains, and again, the mentoring is a simple, easy fight. Yeah, I guess it's kind of like they set you up. They give you everything you need to acquire your own brains. They make you self-sufficient. It's almost like a pyramid scheme. Be a zombie and you'll have everything you ever need, and you've just got to bite someone else.

Exactly, because once you're a zombie, you've just got to bite someone else. Because once you're a zombie, you have no need for money, wealth, other interpersonal relationships. You don't need that anymore. Really, it's just kind of like it's one step above Buddhism. Buddhism is like, all right, you don't need anything. And zombies are like, all right, you only need one thing. You need brains.

You need brains. Let's be honest. How often do you need those brains? Exactly. Maybe like, are you like some kind of snake? You kind of like eat once a month? I never know that with zombies. They seem to always be looking.

Yeah. What happens if a zombie, I guess a zombie could eat enough brains that their stomach would explode and it just wouldn't matter, right? And then the brains come out and you keep eating it. Oh, that's how you trap a zombie. You've eaten enough brains that their stomach would explode and it just wouldn't matter, right? And when the brains come out, then you keep eating it. That's how you trap a zombie. You've eaten enough brains. That would trap them or give them infinite happiness. You're welcome, buddy!

That's how you make a zombie happy. I mean, you could just cut a hole here, like that, and then you could just go, and you get the taste, and that'd be nice. and then you can just go you get the taste and that'd be nice you know and then you go that's probably happens a classic like fight in a zombie movie often involves like stabbing a zombie in the chin with your sword sword all right so that probably happens a lot in zombie town that That's good.

The ability to motivate. Well, easy. Done. It's innate. They want brains. They don't have to do anything. They make you pure motivation. Yeah, absolutely.

Everything you do is for brains. High emotional intelligence. Well, look, the emotional intelligence is probably not there, but then if everyone is a zombie, we all have the same level of emotional intelligence. Yeah, and they're not getting upset over little things. know you're no longer frustrated you're no longer sad you are arguably no longer happy well well i don't know it's a zombie when a zombie eats a brain does it get a rush of serotonin endorphins is it like oh all right or is it just driven by a desire to consume i would say a rush of indulgence. Yeah, I would say that zombies get literally just happiness.

I think maybe they kind of always sound like they have a sort of a grumpy contentment. It's kind of like a, I still want something, but I'm not unhappy. I'm not complaining. If they get caught in a traffic jam, do they care? No, because they just wanted that horn. Yeah, absolutely. To be honest, in a traffic jam, do they care? No, because they just wanted that horn. Yeah, absolutely. To be honest, in a traffic jam, they're near so many more people and brains who can't escape. They have to climb over vehicles.

It's huge impediments for other people. A traffic jam is probably their jam. They love a traffic jam. It's a zombie jam, really. Here's the best news. Trust. I mean, I know what he's i know what he's doing i don't distrust the whore yeah like the order there i'm like i know they want

my brains yeah well yeah if i'm a zombie i'm like i i don't have the concept of trust anymore so it's not an issue it's like the way you would trust a grizzly bear yeah you don't know you know you go look i trust that you're gonna be a grizzly bear you're not't know. You go, look, I trust that you're going to be a grizzly bear. You're not going to lie to me, bear. The bear's not going to come up and be like, hey, dude, I'm just passing by. I'm not looking for trouble, man. I'm just trying to find a honeydew. Exactly.

Look, if there's a picnic basket, I will maybe. Trust me, I'm not going to swipe it. But he's going to. Yeah, but you know. Where's the zombie? There. Yeah, yeah. The willingness to deliver open and honest feedback.

No. I don't think we can give the zombie this because zombies aren't paying attention to other zombies. If I'm a bad zombie, if I always go for the nose instead of the brain, and no zombie is going to pick me up and be like, hey, dude. No, there's no real mentorship there. We actually go for the brain. Oh, my God.

You don't realize what you want. I guess they lead by example They go But they just assume you're going to learn on the job There's no zombie orientation Do you think when you are a zombie And you start eating someone You're like leg not great

And you move up and you're like ah gut Is better but not good And you're kind of eating some more organs And eventually you get to the face, and you're like, oh, this is good. There's something in here. Warmer. There's something in here.

Whoa. You crash your zombie. You scratch your zombie's skull like a walnut, and you're like, ooh. The zombie's slurping up a brain and looking at other zombies like, oh, my God, have you tried this? Like, whoa. Gary over there eating leg like a dickhead. Karen over there eating fingers.

Brian. Yeah, Kevin's eating a chair leg. Kevin! Kevin, you idiot! The crazy thing is that Kevin's not going to starve, Ronnie. For some reason, I just pictured somebody had, I don't know why, put pants on the legs of that chair. That was enough to

confuse Kevin. He made the wrong choice. It might be easy to confuse a zombie. Yeah, well, that's true. It's dressing up chairs like people. Well, chairs confuse lions. Apparently, it's the four points on the chair. They go, it's too many things for them to focus on. And then they go,

I can't. I don't. Is that why a lion tame will often have a chair and a whip? Yeah. I mean, that's the only circumstance in which I've ever seen a chair and a lion. That would make sense. They don't naturally form in the wild. Man,

a chair and a whip is a great set of weapons. Like a proud knight with a chair and a whip going into a dungeon. That's awesome. You can only really hit someone once with a chair though. The ability to inspire. I think you can hit somebody more than one time with a chair. Unless like for some reason you're using one of those sort of TV chairs that just breaks one.

That's true. A real chair is just going gonna deal a lot of damage yeah if you got like a good deck chair like a steel and things like that like an antique

you know oh yeah made from a solid block of wood oh fuck back when they used to make good chairs you know

none of this cheap shit up in Ikea cherry chair that you can like you have to like you can only like drop it on people just brain in someone.

That's good. It's powerful. So, yeah. So the ability to inspire. Not really. Oh, no, you buy them, you want brains and you inspire for brains. They only have the ability. Yeah.

Self-awareness, yet again. No. Not really. But you know you want brain. Yeah, but you don't know what's happened to you. A zombie doesn't know it's a zombie. No. A zombie isn't like,

was that a guy? Are the horde, are they willing to learn what the employee needs? Because we want to escape, assumedly. We want to leave the horde. But they do chase. See, the crazy thing about a zombie, right, is if we're

zombies and that's the company equivalent, then it's like a company working at a hundred percent efficiency you don't need to learn what the employees need because you know what the employees need what the employees need is brains and that's what they're getting yeah as soon as they become employees all that's all they need yeah exactly it's it's kind of the perfect not the perfect business that's a rich, but it's the perfect something. But you know what's interesting? I just realized that in order for this business model to work,

for them to be able to get as many zombies, is that you have to kind of have zombies that don't get trained up very well and don't know where brains are. Because if they were always just going for the brain, then the zombies wouldn't turn into zombies because I guess they need their brains to be a zombie. Is that how zombies work? I don't know. Sometimes. The zombies they need their brains to be a zombie is is that how zombies work i don't know sometimes the zombies need to eat brains to be zombies no no but i mean like

if you eat a person and eat their brain then they don't become a zombie they turn into a zombie oh good question so if you bite their arm because you don't know what you really want what you want is brains yeah but then you bite their arm and then they turn into a zombie and then they go off and try to yeah but if everybody's eating brains you just get a lot of hollow people. Is it like vampire rules where a vampire can suck your blood and not make you a vampire but a vampire can...

Once you eat the brain you don't get a zombie. How does a vampire pick? How do you pick? It's like with any job. It's more about somebody you'd be happy to spend time with. It's not so much about your skills. They're going to have to spend an eternity with that person.

In Buffy the Vampire, in the movie, there's a lot of sucking involved. So they suck your blood, you suck their blood. It's an exchange of blood. I just had to check. In true blood, I think it involves someone being buried for a bit. Okay. I just had to check. In true blood, I think it involves someone being buried for a bit.

Okay. I just wasn't sure if it was like a vampire digging into your neck. It's like... What's the original Dracula? Well, I'm here. He visits old mate a few times. Maybe it's just like long enough sucking. After a while. Long enough sucking.

And she's like, you're a vampire. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Maybe there's just like an extra pouch of like Fluid in your Top of your mouth Yeah And you just Yeah

And when you're biting You go Like that Yeah You're a vampire You know what I like this one Yeah you could be a vampire

I would be so willy nilly With that You know you see in like Movies vampires are real Like precious about Who they make a vampire Not me Left and right

Everybody gets to be a vampire Everybody's a vampire baby Boom boom boom, boom. Welcome to the party. First one I'm hungry, I'm going to feed. Everyone else I'm going to out, vampire. I would just lie down, mouth agape, be like, slam your neck down on me. We're all vampires tonight.

You want to be a vampire? Fuck yeah. You want to be a vampire? No, don't care. Who about you? I just go to the local train station right in the middle of the city at peak hour. And as people are walking by, right? Just crowds of guys go.

Exactly. Like that. Everybody the vampire. Everybody the vampire now. Line them all up like Sonic and Rings. You know? Yeah. Just a nice neat line.

Hunk, hunk, hunk, hunk, hunk, hunk. Yeah. The dream. Compassionate. No, hung, hung, hung, hung, hung. Yeah, the dream. Compassionate. Zombies are not compassionate. No, I don't think so. Okay, okay, okay. So I would say overall, as a horde of zombies,

not the best boss, but- Had some surprising benefits to it. Yeah, like a pretty good place to work as if you were a zombie. Yeah, I could pick it. You know what I mean? If you were part of the horde. It's made becoming part of the horde more appealing. It strips away all of the –

like they're offering you the opportunity to strip away all of your other problems. Because suddenly there's been a shift. There's a context shift. However, there is one problem, which is survivors who want to kill us. Oh, yeah, that's true. But we have no fear of death because we just want brains. And they are brains. It's just more dangerous brains to get.

I have no concept of danger. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, no, maybe that's fine. Oh, that's right. Once they take away that fear of death, you go, booyah, now I'm living. Cowabunga, baby. I never truly lived until I was dead. It's great that zombies are never, like, they always seem shocked when they attack the survivor in the zombie movie.

Like, the survivor whips a chain around them. The zombie always does like a, oh. What are you doing? What? You're fighting back? Excuse me. It's like us trying to eat a cow and suddenly the cow pulls out a whip. You're like, what? Wait!

You're not ready for it. We bred you to be delicious. Stop that. Not to use whips. Oh, imagine you accidentally breed them. Fuck, we bred cows to use whips. I'm not milking that. How do we bred cows to use whips. I'm not milking that. How do we get close to this cow?

I picture him standing upright, two legs down, and then two whips like this. Milk me, bitch. Milk me, bitch. Yeah, try. Just have a try. Coming there with a chair and a pail. Oh, God. We got this.

I mean, it is my job I mean it is my job Just trying to make a living man Come on dude It's gonna hurt you right Oh man the cows have got whips again We're gonna keep breeding them like this Much Fuck

More than Fuck Anyone else imagine that as a farmer looking out his window Fuck. Called a pony. Oh, damn. Anyone else imagine that as a farmer looking out his window? Oh, man. It's like a field of gas. Where'd they get the whips from? Oh, they made them out of leather. Oh, they gone killed Bessie. God dang it.

Marjorie, wake up. These dirty cannibal cows killed Bessie. God dang it. Marjorie, wake up. You dirty cannibal cows. Killed Bessie, made whips. Give me my shotgun. Wow. Just doing it with no purpose. Just having fun. Yeah, the cows are still as dumb as a cow.

They just love... And then they see him come out and they go... And they run because it's just cows. They're just scared. Come back, you idiot! Hey, cow! And they go... Like a bunch of cattle dogs

trying to round them up. Dogs are freaking out. First things first, remove the whips. That's great. The cow would just be doing this with the tubes. Now it just looks like they're dancing. That's a bit better. It's closer to being acceptable.

I'm not as afraid to milk the cows. They're just having fun. Just having a dance. Marjorie, get out the CD player. Marjorie, get my maracas out. Let's play some sweet jams. Maybe we a band now. Jacob, Jacob, Give me some lighting.

Get the strobe out. And then everybody's watching the cow dance, and somebody leans over to you and is like, you know they used to be whipping? Whoa. That's interesting. Get that cow a nice big fruit hat. There you go. Nice little bikini.

Now we're talking. All Alright, now we got a show I think we just found a new source of income Screw the dairy industry We're show people now, Marjorie Hey Marjorie, was this that new sound you were looking for? This is showbiz, baby! Shh, shh, shh, shh. Oh, mercy. All right.

Next boss. Let's see. I want to put forward the pavement from Tony Hawk. Of course, the greatest enemy of all. The greatest enemy of all. You fall into it gnarly. I'm with you.

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, yeah. Known as eating'm with you Yeah absolutely I mean Yeah Known as eating shit Is you're hitting that Yeah Yeah absolutely Your guy makes a great noise Something like

Every time it happens It's good Oh god Yeah And so you kind of I mean You're obviously Supporting

You know Tony Hawk And those guys By you know Most of the time Yeah you are Being pavement That's right

And they need you They need to put things on you. That's right. It's like good and evil. There's no skateboarder without pavement. If there was no pavement, Tony Hawk would just be skating in the void. That's right. Skating in the void.

Or he'd be like some weird dirt skater. Or just grinding on rails for infinity. You can't get down. There's nothing there. It's just a series of pipes. It's kind of like, and you wouldn't need the wheels. It would be more like snowboarding on a weird series of pipes. Absolutely.

So the pavement's massively necessary. Now, as a boss, is it honest? I mean, how much more honest is just a big hunk of concrete? Yeah, the ground never lies. The ground never lies. That's the best thing about the concrete. You look at the concrete and you're like, that's the ground.

That is the concrete. Occasionally a painter does come and does that thing where it kind of looks like it's a big hole in the ground. But that's a painter lying. It's not the ground. That's a dirty painter trick. But that's a painter lying. It's not the ground. That's a dirty painter trick.

That's the dirty painter besmirching the honest integrity of ground. Absolutely. Okay, great. What were our other categories? Let's see. So the ability to mentor staff and provide resources. So maybe not the ability to mentor staff, but to provide resources. Concrete is the resource.

Yeah, absolutely. Tony Hawk and other skateboarders could not do what they did without wonderful pavement. Mentoring. Okay. So is existing in a way that helps you skate mentoring? In a way, yes. Okay. I would argue yes.

Plus, you've got to imagine if you want to perhaps one day be concrete yourself, or of like, hey, I want to be ground, you could go and approach ground and be like, how do I become more like you? And they're not going to give a response, which is basically just a wait, because eventually you will die, and you will be put under the ground,

and then you will become the ground. Is this an equivalence, or am I way off base? Okay. You have one of those crabbing boats. Okay. You are trying to train up some new staff on how to crab. Yes. You dress yourself in a crab costume.

Okay. And you jump into the sea. Yes. They put down a gigantic crab trap. Yes. You clamber inside. They pull you up. You extend a clawed hand and say,

well done. Is that the same? Yes. I think a little bit. Maybe you own a crab boat. Yeah. And you get a big crew. You get them out there.

Yeah. And you're hidden in the sea. And then you start shaking the boat. Right? So you're shaking the boat, and they fall out and things like that. And then you're teaching them about the bad stuff that can happen.

Out at sea when you're crabbing. Because that's kind of what the pavement is teaching you then you're teaching them about the bad stuff that can happen. You know, like, that's kind of what the pavement is teaching you. You're teaching them. Well, gravity, gravity has, has some bad effects on your bones, especially when you hit us. Not ideal for it.

Yeah. You know, and you're saying, you know, and I think that's the only thing you're teaching. When that comes down to point three, the ability to motivate, you want to stay on the board because the alternative is gravity doing some bad stuff to your body.

It's basically like, if you fuck up, I will hit you as a boss. Yeah, it's negative reinforcement. So, look, I want these reports in by Monday. If they're not, I'm going to clip you behind the ear. Not a great motivator, but a motivator. A motivating workplace. You know, I've realized that maybe it's kind of a, a co, uh, a co bossing kind of scenario where pavement is kind of,

uh, also running the show with gravity. Yes. I think you're right. I think you're absolutely on the money there. Gravity is also. Yeah. Yeah.

You're right. Cause if someone's going like in one of them, like half pipes and going really high up pavement, got nothing on that. Yeah. I was sitting there being like, if they fall, they're going to fall on the halfpipe. Not me.

Gravity comes in. Don't worry, I got your back. Kaboom. Bang, face first, no teeth. I can't stop imagining working at a place of employ where they spank you or something if you screw up. Sure. I wonder what that would do for productivity.

Like at a supermarket or whatever. Yeah, like you drop a jar. They a jar They're like alright come out the back Get on my knee You're like ah man But I won't do it again It was an accident though I probably am still gonna It's gonna happen again and I just have to

Accept that spanking is just part of this job It's something I can't get away from. I'll just get spanked. You've all been very naughty. I'm no longer a boss. I'm your daddy, and your pay is your allowance, okay? Now don't be naughty, or else we're going to get some spanking. And it's a good lesson in that you can't control everything.

There's some things that are, you know, but it doesn't mean that because something happened that wasn't your fault, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't pay consequences. Absolutely. You accidentally, it's a slippery jar. Well, it smashes in the ground. And as the tomato sauce spills out onto the linoleum, you're like, well, I'm going to get spanked no matter what. Yeah.

It's the same thing. You're a cashier. You count the thing at the end and you go, oh, we're somehow $5 up. He goes, the boss is like, well, that's not 100% right. Right? You know what? I guess so. That's $5 under.

Yeah. I suppose, yeah. Seems like maybe. So I don't care. It's just you got to do your job right or you get spanked. It's not about. I don't want to spank you. Yeah.

And they're going to spank you And it's that part, not at the end of the day But just when you're about to swap over cashiers It's just that spanking Just laying on the conveyor belt And just In front of people I imagine

Smashing a jar and just like Pulling my pants down, just under my bum cheeks And walking Waddling to your balls In my mind it was like a back office or something but no apparently reveal my ass and face first on the ground while your boss comes over to the aisle spanking you in front of your spilled pasta sauce it's great to imagine staining the boss coming around with like a like with like a higher tiered, you know, like maybe a higher manager being like, yeah, excuse me one second.

I need to spank an employee. Or if there's like, you know, the boss comes in and then like the manager comes up and then like realizing, well, if they're getting like, it's on you. Their fucking up is on you. So then watching your boss getting spanked. Oh, yeah. Oh, by the regional guy.

You get spanked by your boss and you're like I'm humiliating but then your boss is like the reason I do this is because I'm getting pressure from above. I've noticed that you're doing a lot of spankings this month which means that your employees aren't doing well so come on. It's actually not the worst system because that means that your boss doesn't want to spank you because it reflects polio.

You know, I think that this boss is sort of the personification of the boss in the game rock, paper, scissors and paper. If your boss was paper, all he knows is how to spank just to cover things with his big paper hand. That's all he knows is how to spank. Just to cover things with his big paper hand. That's all he knows. Once Paper gets a scissors, he doesn't know what to do. He's trying.

Paper cannot figure scissors out. Paper's got no idea. He's just trying to spank scissors. Scissors is on top of it. Scissors sees Paper. Scissors knows what to do. It's true. Paper gets rock.

Paper finds paper. You can't spank a spank. They both try and spank each other. It's a clap. It's a high five. It's a high five. Exactly. If you try to spank a spank, you're high a five.

That's just how it works. That's not good. That's the only time that you can have a positive work environment is if you're only bossing other papers. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. When there's a couple of regional managers, everyone on the same level, everyone's just high-fiving.

You create a terrible spanking spiral. But if any of your employees, any at all, are like a human or a rock, then it's back to spanking. Man, trying to interrupt a spanking with the scissors hand gesture. Sorry, boy. Whoa! Oh, he's got me there.

Then you just get punched in the ass. All the employees start carrying around scissors. Okay. Don't have to do with that. Fair enough. I'm going to have to bring this up with regional management. You know the head of HR is also paper. What am I to do?

So that's all ticks for pavement. And the willingness to deliver open and honest feedback, which is great for pavement. If you fall and eat shit if you fall and eat shit you fall and eat shit pavement ain't gonna sugarcoat it that's right

you just you got spanked yeah sorry and that's it that's it not even sorry you got spanked

don't fuck up next time exactly maybe don't fuck up and the ability to inspire yeah don't fuck up or else you're gonna get spanked there's nothing more inspiring

than a big slab of concrete yeah absolutely I look at a slab of concrete. Yeah, absolutely. I look at a slab of concrete and I'm like, I can do things like that. I can make something in my life. Not just like the threat of injury, but you look at like an open slab of concrete and you see potential. Yeah. I can put things on that.

I am not a... I can put a rail. I can put a half pipe. I could put a person who upset my mob family under it. Yeah, exactly. And no one would ever know. Exactly. I can get a bit of concrete and put that on someone's feet like some shoes and put them in a river.

They could sleep with the fishes. Concrete is really useful if you're part of the mob is what I'm finding out. It's a big part of being in an organized crime family. Yeah, because also your concrete company is your front. Yeah. Concrete's the in an organized crime family yeah also your concrete company is your front and so yeah yeah concrete's the backbone of organized crime that's right and it's a strong backbone self-awareness once again concrete does not unfortunately succeed here but that's we knew that going in i think emotional eq and things like that but again you know yeah i guess it is kind of punishing you a lot through.

Yeah, through being there when you hit the ground. It's not a very hands-on boss concrete though. No. Which I think is a bit of an issue. It's not that. It's just punishment. There's no reward. No, it's always hovering.

Yeah. There's no reward other than, I guess, you working well, you achieving your own goals. Yeah, I suppose that's all you can kind of get out of concrete is knowing that it is helping you to achieve your goals. That's it. Yeah, it's kind of like a boss, but everybody who works under it is a freelancer. It's kind of like Uber.

It never claims that they were employees. Yeah, it doesn't. Where on paper does it say they're employees?. It doesn't wear on paper. It doesn't say they're employees. They're contractors who work on us, use our system to work. They're not entitled to any benefits from us. What about self-awareness? Yeah, well, we were saying self-awareness, it's concrete. So unfortunately, it's not done massively well.

What about, can I put forward Jaws from the NES classic Jaws. Sure. Okay. A shark. Honest in that it is a shark. That's true. Okay. That's transparency.

I'm a shark. I want to eat fish. And next question. And again, a lot of CEOs of big organizations are often described as sharks. Yeah, yeah. That's true, yeah. Because they're often described, once again, as sociopaths and narcissists and those kind of things. And often will have the beady eyes of a shark.

Yeah. And if that is not like a shark, I don't know what is. Have I, though, just made the zombie boss, but won? Is that effectively what is going on here? It's like a water zombie boss, but one. Is that effectively what is going on here? It's like a water zombie boss. In a way, but the shark once bit by, you do not become a shark. That's true.

You just die. You just move. Or get cool scars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But maybe there is a job working with the shark as that fish that kind of follows it around and eats little bits and pieces that kind of come off. A little sucker boy. I always think I would love to be reincarnated as that guy.

They always seem pretty content with their lives. They suck in the side of a shark. Oh, that was delicious. The shark, not paying him any mind. And then, you know, that's your life. Yeah, so it's like a one-on-one kind of job where the shark is your boss and you get to live

your life with it as a sort of like a... You're not're not a slave because you're kind of just you're you're doing it for yourself you're doing it for yourself but then you also get companionship in a way that's true it's like because yeah i think being maybe a parasite is the best way to live yeah well yeah okay i think you're right i mean aren't we all living off the man? In many ways, you think of the shark as like the man, the boss, the other one in charge, and we're all just sucker fishers sucking on that ample shark titty. Is maybe the sucker fish to the shark sort of the situation where the shark is like a successful music star or TV personality?

Or like the head of a film company. And you're just kind of, I don't know, leader of a country. Yeah. In the 40s or so. You're just the kind of person, or the Sucker Shark's just the kind of person that is there to get the off cuts of fame. You know what I mean? Yeah, you ride those.

The coattails. The coattails. The coattails. The little bits that fall off. Yeah. You know, they go out, they get a booth, you know, like a cordoned off booth at some nightclub, you know, but they're not there to drink the whole bottle of bubbly. No.

You can have a little bit of beer. You can have what's left. You can be blah, blah, blah. You're there sipping the drinks. He's like, we're going, like that. And you're like, finishing all the glasses of everybody. Absolutely. Like that, finishing any cigarette butts that people didn't finish.

You don't get to ride. You get to ride in the limo, but you can't talk or do anything while you're in there. But you're in the limousine. That's pretty cool. Any meat with bones to it? Any bone with meat. You suck that out. You're doing that thing where you're like half left

but you're still kind of going back. You're collecting it all in your shirt here. Just once a minute. Quickly sucking it off your fingers as you get into the limousine. Absolutely. You've got to anticipate when the shark is leaving to ask the waiter to be like, hey, can we get all this to go? Can I get this in a doggy bag? The shark's like capping his watch like we've got to anticipate when the shark is leaving to ask the waiter to be like, hey, can we get all this to go?

Yeah, he's like, can I get this in a doggy bag? The shark's like capping his watch, like, we've got to go. And you're like, just a second, just a second, I'll eat this in the car. Yeah, but during the meal you can probably eat anything that falls on the ground. That's pretty good. Or any girls or guys that they're not interested in. Yeah, yeah, you're like, hello. I'm here as well.

And you can see I am friends with the shark. None of the famous people, but I, the sucker fish, am here as well. Is that good for you? Do you just need a warm body at the end of the night? I can't actually leave. I can't go off anywhere, but we could, as long as we're within earshot, we could do something naughty. As long as I can see the shark.

If we do make out, if we fall around, I will have to have one eye on you. But I will keep both eyes open while making out with you. I can't promise anything. The moment the shark leaves, I am gone. The shark does not respect me. Man, doing the equivalent of sucking the meat off the bones with a kiss as you leave. I've got to get it all in.

He's done. Sorry, goodbye. The boss is done making out with somebody, and you're like, oh. Let me lap up the rest of the kiss. I need what's left. Give me the dregs. Okay, goodbye.

That is heinous. That is a sloppy seconds of a kiss is bad. And then your boss is getting a haircut and occasionally you're like throwing some of your hair to just get in some of the, like accidentally get into one of the snips. Oh, thank God. Whoa.

I got $100 off a $400 haircut. Yes. The guy's going like this. And you're kind of getting your head up. Just sneaking it in. Oh, yeah. Man, to be a sucker fish, that's how you truly live. At the end of the day, really, the best employer is a shark,

and the best employee is a gross little sucker. Being a parasite rules. Being a parasite fucking rules. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've been Alistair, George, William, Trombley, Birchall. And where can we find you, ATB? You can find me at 2 in the Think Tank.

That's the podcast, the Sketch Idea podcast, where we come up with sketch ideas. And at Shusher Guided Meditations, which is a silly comedy guided meditations thing that for some reason people genuinely fall asleep to. It's great. I love it. And also one of the reviews online, the lady said that she is the only podcast that she masturbates to.

I don't know how that works. That's beautiful. I don't think we've ever gotten that. Yeah, nobody masturbates to. Aww. I don't know how that works. That's beautiful. I don't think we've ever gotten that. Yeah, nobody masturbates to any of this shit. Bullshit. People can't. It's impossible to do. No, it's possible.

You can do it, but you gotta work. It's hard. It's an uphill battle to jerk off to anything Sam Spence puts out. But don't you hate feeling shame at at the end don't you want to feel success like climbing a mountain to masturbate it at the end be like hell yeah

that would roll boom shakalaka another victory for this guy goodnight oh fuck man most people get tired not us no whoa I am wide awake. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter,

you can find us at Sandspance Radio, or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to SandspanceRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps, and if you want to support us,

head to sanspantsplus.com Thank you again for listening, and we'll see you again next time. Goodnight for now. But not forever. Kisses.