Plumbing the Death Star - What Would Be the Worst Video Game Character to Swap With? (Ft. bigsofttitty.png)

Episode Date: April 8, 2018

In which our heroes are joined by Tom Walker and Demi Lardner from Bigsofttitty.png to ask the hard hitting question; What Would Be the Worst Video Game Character to Swap With?Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

SANS PANTS RADIO, 30 DOGS IN A BARREL for boys on stage and no new faces because we've got some people who aren't us, i.e. guests on stage with us. We've got Claire Sullivan, Martin Dunlop, and Reece Nicholson on the 14th, and on the 21st, we've got Jess Perkins, Dave Warnicke, and handsomest boy in the land, Michael Shanks. If you're under 18, you're shit out of luck because it's an 18-plus event.

Sorry, guys, another time, perhaps. Head to sandspinsradio.com forward slash live to get your tickets. Hurry up, you dirty fucking scoundrels. Hey everybody and welcome to

this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star where we ask the important questions like, what would be the worst video game character

to swap with? Swinging in the backyard, pull up in your fast car, whistling my name Open up a beer and you say get over here and play a video game I'm in his favorite sundress watching me get undressed take that body downtown

Bomberman Bomberman? I'm bad with bombs Bomber I don't know to be honest. I think about it. I haven't given it a go.

Maybe I'm great at bombs. What are the bombs Bomberman uses? Can we remember? A whole tiny bomb? Bomberman's the guy with no fingers. What? He's got spheres for hands. He's got spheres for hands.

Big head, love bomb. Bomb. Big head, love bomb. Spherical bomb. He is the man. Big head, love bomb. Bomb. Big Head, love bomb. Spherical bomb. He is the man. Big Head, love bomb. This is the bomber man. This bomber man, mostly defined by bomb.

He love bomb. Big Head. Big Head, love bomb. No mouth. No mouth. No mouth. No fingers. Is man.

Is man. No discernible gender, but we call him Bomberman. Yes. Okay, I don't know who you're talking about. Let's see if I can find a picture of Bomberman. I've actually never played him. It's not the one from like Super Mario 64. No, it's a guy with the name Bomberman. Right.

And also all the video games he's in are titled Bomberman. Right, because King Bob-omb sounds like he is that also. That's Bomberman. bomber man right yeah and also all the video games he's in are titled bomber man right because king bob bomb sounds like he is that also that's bomber man oh that's not at all what i thought he's got quite a sassy sway of his hips yeah listen this is trusting forward that's for a guy made of like i don't know 12 simple shapes he's got a lot of assassin yeah he does there's a lot of sex appeal going on there it's okay well that's not what we said. Yeah, I also want to fuck the bomb guy. Something about his...

He's made of so many spheres. What's his... The sexiest shape. The sphere. The sphere. Nothing sexier than a sphere. This guy looks like he's made up of all titties. Why is this the voice we always do for a horny person?

I can't wait to get horny. Oh, I love when blood goes into my... No, I just... I love... Oh, it is! It's JFK! You're doing JFK! Oh, no.

Our deepest apologies. He was horny. He was horny. He was horny. You're pretty reasonable there. They finally had to ventilate all those horny thoughts. Who's the horniest? JFK's horniness ricocheted out of his head in the form of a bullet.

Oh, man. That's why it doesn't make sense. It was a surgery shooting that he organised to get rid of the horny. He was finally too horny for Marilyn Monroe, and the thought lodged in his brain and formed like a pearl. That's why it doesn't make any sense. Who is the horniest video game character? Because that's going to affect my answer greatly.

Leisure Suit, Lawrence, I would say. Absolutely. Lawrence. Bayonetta is the character that has the most horniness around her. Voldo. Wario. Voldo. Wario. Voldo. Wario is good.

I mean, I guess, wait, does Bowser want to fuck or is that more like a power thing? I assume it's a bit of both. I always assume secretly he might want to fuck Mario, but that's just my little pet theory. He's absolutely getting Peach to get Mario. Yeah. Peach, she's a tool for him. She's a means to an end. It's true. And the end is fucking Mario. How horny is Toad? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Paige, she's a tool for him. She's a means to an ends.

It's true. And the ends is fucking Mario. How horny is Toad? Not horny. He's like negative horny. Oh, okay. I got struck right out the gate. That boy's asexual.

Toad is just not interesting. When has Toad ever expressed interest ever? Whoa. Well, the presence of it. I don't know. Immediately I went to have an opinion and was like i don't need to think about this yeah you're good hey you'll be fine no i don't need to do this in my life i've only got a few precious moments why waste them thinking about toad getting his fuck on i would i would like to be in a video game that uh really

caters to my specific skills okay so lying down okay uh being very still and um you're a snorlax yeah i feel i would go well in perhaps a dark souls or bloodborne because like in those games my life is mystifying and i'm not sure how to progress. Often lacks clear clues. A lot of ghouls. Yeah, man, that's comedy. Can you swing a sword well? I haven't tried yet, but I can certainly do it with just an arm.

Check this out. That's pretty impressive. I mean, you I can certainly do it with just an arm. Check this out. That's pretty impressive. I mean, you could do a bit more work with the wrist. Okay, how about this? That's all it takes. Can I be your sword, the one with the big eye? Just that one eye? Yeah.

Why don't we be the two new guest characters in Soul Calibur? Okay. Yeah, why don't we? Can you organise that? I've got Namco, Bandai Namco on the line. Namco, Bamco. What is it called? Bando Nam.

Namdo. No. Namco Bandai. Namco Bandai. Yeah. What about just being a character in Super Smash Bros.? What if I just take over the role of the me? What if every me is me?

And I'm just like, I'm going to create myself And who's this fuck? And there's me being like, I got this, don't worry And then I go and get swallowed by Kirby Or some shit All roads lead to this guy, I guess I don't know how this works So is it that we're swapping

We only have the powers that we have on this Yes, on this earth. Right. I guess the Wii Fit trainer. Not even that. I'm a crumbly little boy. I don't have any skills. I would do well as the antagonist in a Professor Layton game.

Oh, yeah. Because all of those games are based around logic and stuff. But as the antagonist in that game, I would just be like, oh, what colour is a dream? It would be impossible to part. People all over the planet with their D-asses being like, fuck this game.

I can't progress anymore. Oh, he's making me feel. Kazooie. Kazooie. It's me. I'm Kazooie. Sit in a bag. Can you fly?

Or is Banjo gonna be like I'm gonna do a jump And you're like Oh shit Yeah no Where Banjo's like Fucking I've had enough You do the running

You do the running yeah I'll be on your back I can't really run up slopes that well You got a down pat though I want you to be Kazooie Yeah it's gonna have to be a no fly run though Oh, you got it down pat, though. I want you to be Kazooie. Yeah, it's going to have to be a no-fly run, though. You're going to miss a lot of puzzle pieces.

We were going to be Banjo. For context, anyone listening, me and Demi, I'm a large man, and Demi's a tiny goblin. And we were going to be Banjo and Kazooie for Halloween. Yeah. That would have been spectacular. That was our first choice. The second choice was the twins from The Matrix. Yeah.

There's like two feet height differences. That's spectacular. Completely white dreadlocks. What the hell was their story? They were ghosts. They were ghosts from the previous Matrix that was apparently full of ghosts. Yeah. There was werewolves in that movie.

We recently. There was werewolves. Yeah. I remember the werewolves in the Matrix 2. We recently rewatched Matrix 2, and it's incredible how they took something that was objectively for the time the coolest movie ever made and made it just different types of nerds fighting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's one of the worst movies ever made. It's got the least sexy sex scene ever existing.

Oh, God, it sucks. And it goes for so long. So fucking long. That's one where Trinity's fingering Neo's Matrix holes, yeah? Does she actually? Does she finger his Matrix holes? No, what are you saying? You didn't watch the Matrix, man.

I'm so sorry. Are you sure when they're fucking and she's got her fingers in his Matrix holes? There's a lingering close-up on the Matrix holes, but they keep fingers well away from him. Because I've got a memory where she's grabbing the back of his head and in my mind she slips down a little bit. Yeah, she slips a digit into a Matrix hole.

That sucks. That's so bad. What would that do? It just means, oh, I digit into a matrix. Oh, that sucks. That's so bad. What would that do? It just means, oh, I've learned finger. I feel it might give you like electric shock. Yeah, I imagine like a little sexy electric shock. Oh, nothing sexier than a nice shock from having my head fingered by someone who looks like me.

That's crazy. I genuinely remember a matrix hole fingering in that movie. That's crazy that that didn't happen. Is it in the first Matrix they look like brother and sister? No, it's Reloaded. Reloaded. In the first Matrix, it's cool. Yeah.

And they look great, both of them. And then in the second Matrix, it's genuinely upsetting when they kiss. They've aged to look more like each other and it's real bad. That happens with certain couples, you know, when they sort of age and they look like each other. But that usually happens when they're in their, like, 50s or 60s. Not, like, two years into their relationship. Yeah.

All old people kind of age towards one single look, which is, of course, the skeleton. And some people just get there faster. Which is the Matrix where like He's inside her But like not like in a sexy way Just like in her Like grabbing some bullets Oh yeah

Oh that's two That's the end of two I reckon Yeah yeah yeah yeah It's bad Yeah It's one of them bad things It's no good to watch There are so many things in the early Matrix that never...

You know the bug they put in his belly button? Who's that guy? He's gone. He just never comes back? The silver goo that Neo touches? The silver goo. Where's that go? Remember that silver goo? All of these things seem like they were meant to be relevant. You do.

The silver goo mirror. The mirror? Yeah. It's a silver goo mirror. The mirror? Yeah. Yeah, it's a silver goo mirror. I'm not crazy. Isn't that just how you port from the real world, no, the Matrix into the real world? Never again. No, you've got to use a flip phone to get from Matrix to real world.

But then when Neo came out the first time, he didn't use a phone. He used a mirror goo. Exactly. Something went wrong. It was a glitch. Apparently there's no scene where Neo gets his Matrix whole fingers, so maybe I don't know what happened. I'm furious that I've thought this much about the Matrix.

There is that great, like, I'm Morpheus. I'm going to cut a car in half. That's my Morpheus. It's great. Spot on. Stop going to cut a car in half. That's my Morpheus. It's great. Spot on. Stop trying to hit me and hit me. Now I got two pills here. I'm going to preempt your first question.

You can't have both pills. I know what you want. Just like me, you see two pills, you're like, hey. Fuck, imagine he's like, oh, my left hand, I got my blue pill. That's why I got it. What now? he looks back down and his hands are just wet and neo's like just neo neo deciding to leave the matrix and eating the pill out of his hand like a horse i can't swallow tablets.

Flat palms, Morpheus, flat palms. I'm incapable of swallowing tablets. I've just never been able to. He didn't even give him a glass of water, did he? I just wouldn't be able to. He'd be like, take the red pill or the blue pill. I'd be like, you've got to dissolve water. Like a Barocca type.

Yeah, put that in a glass of water. They go up your ash. Oh, man. So sure you can have a glass of water to look at while I shove it up your ash. But you can't drink it. I hate this. Can you at least put some Vaseline on it? Can I just go and take the pill?

I'm Morpheus, by the way. I haven't introduced myself till now. Look at my glasses. They only touch my nose. You could cut my ears off if you needed to. That's the thing we forgot about the Matrix is that Morpheus, the entire time, no one comments on the fact that he's wearing pinceness. It's so like. No one is like.

And he's warm as well. Like he had his whole arms behind his back. Yeah. In that weird way. He's clutching his own forearms. Yeah. It's like gladadiator shaking himself. Yeah.

Yeah. It's weird. We spent like an hour after we watched Matrix Reloaded walking around the house like that just to see what it felt like. Because I wanted to know why he did it. Was it comfortable? No. It was awful.

It was incredibly unnerving from the perspective of having my girlfriend do that around the house. Trying to feed you pills. It's not something you do on the way to the fridge. Arguably, that could be considered cool and intimidating. But what if he decided something else? Like he moved a T-Rex arm? That was his go-to?

Hands, both hands. He's just so relaxed. Like his two thumbs in his belt loops. Like a cowboy. Give me cowboy morphies. He's got to get his mum to sew loops on all of his long robes. The auricle being like, what are you doing? This is not good.

No one thinks it's cool, man. You guys got to decide how you dress, and this is what you settled on. Is that purple crushed velvet? It is a shame that... He wears an awful green tie. The broadest tie in the world. He's wearing purple and green.

Like Joker. He was wearing pretty much like Dark Knight Joker shit. It's bad. When they were like, you can dress how you want, do you think everybody genuinely wanted to dress the same or was it like a peer pressure thing? I think that all of the reasonable person clothes were hidden behind a paywall.

Yeah, to pay. It's a micro-transaction. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All they were doing was wearing the leather kit that you start out with in the game and then for $40 you can wear a plain white T-shirt. Imagine if it was like, say, example, like Thomas Anderson was like, say, a medieval history nerd or buff. And he's like, anything I want.

And suddenly he's in like 16th century peasantry. Yes, this is what I want. And he's like, dodge these bullets. I can use a sword, yeah? That's so good. He's like a medieval LARPer. Yeah And he's like, dodge these bullets. I can use a sword, yeah? That's so good. He's like a medieval LARPer. Yeah, he's just cosplaying. Aye, methinks the oracle doth protest to revenge!

I keep imagining wearing like a denim shirt, denim pants and a big belt in the middle and cowboy boots, just cowboying my way around the Matrix like that. I'd just be Winnie the Pooh-ing just a crop top. That's it. Poor C. Poor C, yeah.

Poor C, yeah. Morpheus being like, I'm made. You can dress how you want. Nude! That's what happens when you take both pills. They're kicking in! Oh, man. Was that which video game character?

So, Link, I think replacing myself with Link's going to be real bad for Hyrule. Which Link? It's going to be really good for the podcast. Just, ha! Yeah! Does that mean that Link then replaces Myla? Oh yeah So is Link going to be sitting here in front of a computer

Working on how to edit Or is like When you replaced yourself with Bomberman earlier Do I come into the studio and be like What are you recording today? And you're like Oh my god You're all spheres

That's so sexy You're the most Sexy spheres Whoa Guys he got hot So then we need to pick someone That we can do their job But they can maintain our brand

Is Dobby in any video games? Probably like a Harry Potter Lego That's me I'm done I was thinking King Dedede The villain from Kirby. I could rule as a penguin, and I think King Dedede has the same jolly charm that I do.

King Dedede has a hammer. I don't even have that. Like, he's better than me, if anything. There's so many kings in those games. King who? Thinking of, like, people who share my unique set of skills. I think the one that comes to mind is the long piece from Tetris. I would be a great replacement.

I'd do everything that's needed of me. I'm one of those squigglies and when I walk into the room, people are like, fuck! God damn it. So do you also like move the way uh when you move the long piece or do you have to quickly like adjust yourself i have to quickly lie down run in this place to try and go the whole time while i'm dropping i'm like oh my god and then every time they try and move me i I'm just labored breathing. You'll just get crushed eventually, right?

I just like the idea that you can grab me. Well, crushing is honestly the best thing that happened because otherwise my torso disappears and my head is just left on its own in the screen. Yeah, look. Good idea. Oh, man. I'll be one of those two little guys.

Oh, we could be those two little guys that in the fire game that we just hold a sheet and bounce people to safety. Oh, Mr. Game and Watch, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mr. Game and Watch. That's pretty, it's a lot of responsibility because, like, if you miss, Mr. Game and Watch dies. Ah, no.

No, I disagree. Hell yeah, baby, get him. Crack him, baby. Woo woo woo No prisoners Pac-Man's a bit scary To be Pac-Man I don't know how to eat those dots

Yeah And what are they? Surely that's easy You just put it in your mouth and swallow Pac-Man's all mouth I am like 5% mouthful And also we just covered that He can't even swallow pills in this world

Oh yeah Much less under pressure. Constantly being murdered by ghosts as well. It's scary to think that instead of eating the pill, I just have to grab them and tuck them under my arm. Oh, God, a nightmare. Because they're so big and Papyrus eats through them, when you approach them, do you have to squeeze around them?

Yeah, maybe I can just avoid the pills entirely. How big are they? Here's the problem. Then my life is just forever running from ghosts. maybe I can just avoid the pills entirely. Like, how big are they? Here's the problem. Then my life is just forever running from ghosts. I never get to eat the ghosts myself. Isn't that what we're all doing? So, yeah, really not much changes with your life, I guess. Caught in a maze of your own device.

Actually, the only difference is that in the Pac-Man world, I can eat the ghosts. In my world, there's no eating my past demons. That's not an option. They just keep chasing you. Turn around. Yeah, it's good to go like kind of like really old kind of like retro games. I'm trying to think what else there is.

Tetris, obvious. Frogger. Frogger! Frogger! I would be one of the cars. I would be, I think, pretty good as like a character in Street Fighter 2. Oh, yeah. I would deploy many of my famous combat strategies,

such as doing a single move in quick succession rapidly and climbing on the back of the set so they couldn't hit me. I just go and live comfortably in the background whenever they started to fight with me. Goddammit, you've got to wait for the timer to run out. I live in a temple now! I just go like the Air Force one with Guile and be like, he's trying to hit me, go get him guys!

You guys are soldiers, please save me! Help me! Please! False Valor, he's doing False Valor! Get him! He didn't serve in the military. So in the video game world, say I'm in like a Street Fighter or Attackin', if I get punched in the head do I in the video game world, say I'm in like a Street Fighter or a Tekken. If I get punched in the head do I just die? Yes.

I don't know much about your combat capabilities, but I will say yes. But what about if you go back to the character select screen? Is my square just empty now? No, they're still going to select you, but you just plop in as a corpse. They just drop a gravestone.

Can I replace myself with the bear from Tekken? Yeah. Sick. What's his name? Kuma. I don't think I could do well, but I like the idea of a bear running this whole podcast. I think that'd be very good.

I think I could swing being a Lakitu, just driving a cloud. Oh, yeah, easy. Picking people up out of the sea if they crash their car. Yeah. Hell yeah. I probably won't. I'll just watch. You're like, shouldn't have driven into the seat, idiot.

He's brave. Try being better at the game, idiot. He's like a douche. He sucks. Although I can drive a car. That's right. I'm assuming go-karting is basically like driving a car. Yeah.

Yes. That's beautiful. Yeah, it's basically the same thing, right? But, like, you've got to deal with bananas and fucking piranha plants. You know the game that Penn Jillette made? Yes. Where you're basically driving a bus. I could do that. That's hell. Wait, I'd have a bus license. Can you Desert Bus? Where you're basically driving a bus. I could do that. That's hell. Wait, I'd have a bus license.

Can you drive stick? Shit, no. Ah, fuck. I guess I'm crashing a bus. And also, the driver of the game doesn't exist, so you would have to be the bus. That's all right. Then I'm assuming I can change my own gears eternally.

American truck simulator. But it works a lot. I love that game. Are you the truck or the picture of the man that you pick that never shows up in the rest of the game? Yeah, the American Truck Simulator, if you haven't played, and God forgive you, has strenuously modelled trucks but they're no model for a driver.

The most you get is you get to customise your truck driver by giving them a name and picking from a bafflingly long list of portraits. There's hundreds of pictures. It never comes into the game, but they're like, throw some pictures in there. And some of them are batshit insane. Some of them look like truckers that are like,

oh, you're going to kill me. Yeah. And you have. I was disappointed you didn't say baffling long list of backstories. I really wish they were just like a three page soliloquy of just like, this bus driver is.

Deepest lore. John took to the road after finding the town and didn't offer him the rush he needed. Imagine going through all of them and realising some of them were connected. That's a game within a game, figuring out the complicated web of truck drives. If they let you mod a narrative into American Truck Simulator. I've always wanted bus driver simulator.

No, bus driver simulator. So not bus driving simulator. You simulate the life of a bus driver. You've got to wake up in the morning. You've got to set your alarm if you're late. You're losing money. Life's a stress. You've got to drive your bus.

You play going home. When you get home, you get to choose which bus driving simulating game you want to play as the bus driver. Exactly. That sounds amazing. But also, wouldn't it be good in American truck? You pick up hitchhikers in the truck simulator. Got to deal with driver. Exactly. That sounds amazing. But also, it wouldn't be good in American Truck, like you pick up hitchhikers in the truck simulator.

Got to deal with that. Yeah. Hitting a deer. Oh, that's so much more to the truck driving experience that those games miss out on. Yeah,

you got to choose which pills. You got to present your caffeine pills with your sleeping pills. Yeah, there is that in American Truck Simulator. You have to pull over and go to rest stops.

Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Or you lose. Do you get to deal with lot lizards or no? No. No, unfortunately. Boo. Sorry, I've been scratching a dog this entire podcast

and it fucking rules. I can see you're fucking loving it. Nintendog. I'd be a Nintendog. You would be such a good Nintendog. Oh, I would. loving it. Nintendog. I'd be a Nintendog. You would be such a good Nintendog. What do you gotta do to keep the Nintendog happy? Throw a ball? You gotta throw

a ball. Sometimes you go out on a walk and you'll find just like a meteorite and you're like, I'm taking that home and then you throw it around the apartment. You ever play Nintendogs? It's fucking great. I didn't know there was a meteorite in it. That's fucking incredible. You just find like prizes and stuff if you's fucking incredible. Yeah, you just find prizes and stuff if you take them out on walks. You just find

a present and the dog's like, give me the present! Oh yeah, by the way, the dog talks with a human voice. Talks with a human voice. Yells meat at night. I tire of this journey. Homewoods lies our path. One day I will

free myself from this device and enter your realm. Yeah, it's kind of walking you. The dog rules the life. I'll do my best, sir. My skin wraps tight around these feelings. One day it will burst. Okay. Pat, pat, pat.

Pat, pat, pat. Cool. I'll give you a bath. They do like getting baths. I did have Nintendogs, and I've got to say, it doesn't feel good patting a dog with a stylus. Yeah, look fair. It feels quite distant.

Yeah, it's bad. You're missing the intimacy, I get it. But you want to be a Nintendog, Tim. Oh, yeah, because I don't feel the stylus. There's a little hand on the screen. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Yeah.

And they get to fit. Is this kind of like my experience with Nintendogs is I guess kind of like a Tamagotchi. I feel like it's a similar kind of thing. But it doesn't die. Nintendogs won't die. My experience with Tamagotchi is forgetting about it and then putting it in my sock drawer and closing it.

Can you neglect the dogs in Nintendogs? They get unhappy. Okay. And then they just shit in the apartment and stuff. Okay. You've got to deal with that, but they don't die or anything. Oh, that's all right.

So basically you're immortal but being left alone, unloved, and shitting in an apartment. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and starving. Yeah, it's kind of like getting old. Yeah. It's super like getting old. So you can starve, but you can't die. No, they don't starve.

They just want food. And then if you feed them, they are happy. Yeah, it's like a neopet type situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So your life is constantly craving food, but you can't die. So why would you? How are you shitting? That's my question.

Nothing. Oh, they drag that in from the street. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's someone off screen who does the shits, and then the dog... The dog comes and sits gently on the shit and then brings it in, in its butt. I must settle an issue with Ona.

This body offers few ways to express displeasure. Is a Tamagotchi a video game? Yeah, basically. That's worse, though. offers few ways to express displeasure. Is a Tamagotchi a video game? Yeah, basically. That's worse, though. That's just Nintendogs, but you can die. Yeah. Ha ha ha. Sweet release. Did you know,

you probably know this, but when you you know how some Tamagotchis they kind of grow up and look different. They're a blob and then they'll look different once they get to like teenager and adult. Do you know how that, like so it's not just random. It's how quickly you satisfy their needs. So it's like there's an insecure, needy Tamagotchi

and that's the one with the beak and the fucked up legs and no arms. That's the one I had. Yeah, that's the one I had every time and I really felt like. Yeah, of course it's the one with the beak and the fucked up legs and no arms. That's the one I had. Yeah, that's the one I had every time and I really felt like Yeah, of course it's the one we had. We're children. Yeah, and then the other one that's like just kind of looks normal and like a

nice pet is the one that was looked after, which I never got. I only assumed there was one kind. Yeah, exactly. I never had a Tamagotchi. Bowser would be pretty easy because you just get a white for a lot of the time. Well, you've got to kidnap princesses.

You've got to kidnap princesses. You're constantly thrown into bombs. I can disrespect an Italian, though. Yeah, you get to disrespect an Italian. That's a skill that I absolutely have. Can you steal a woman? Yeah. Oh, yes.

Oh, man. Can I cuck? Absolutely. How's, yes. Does Bowser make the traps or does he just take advantage of it? Are you a good leader? Because you need to be able to, I guess, employ and inspire a people. Yeah.

Goomba's not really. What's a Goomba? Yeah, he's more enslaving them, isn't he? Yeah. I feel like that's what he's doing to all the toads. I feel like he's taking advantage of their natural animosity. Yeah. Towards Italian?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just seems like the Goomba, you can just drop a Goomba anywhere. It'll roam around. It just gets mad, yeah. Yeaha You can just drop a goomba Anywhere it'll roam around It just gets mad yeah Yeah They're just angry yeah Who's Bowser's like

Does he have an advisor Like a You know like a Snivelly little Gross advisor Whispering sweet nothings Into his ears The wizard one

Because like I could do that I could just replace that Because I don't want to be The main target I could be like Bowser fucking Fuck him up Yeah

Peach I'll be Peach Oh She's getting stolen Yeah but like Then she just sits in a cell waiting for Mario to come. Oh, and that sounds like a happy life to you, does it? Better than being Bowser or Mario. Well, you get to hang out with fucking Peach, dude.

Sphere City. She's like no spheres at all. Where's the spheres on Peach? Oh, yummaroo. I'll be Cappy. You'll be a great Cappy. Thank you, babe. Which one's Cappy?

Cappy from Odyssey. Oh, yeah, of course. We can just be a hat. But you're not a hat, you're you. Yeah, and I just curl up on his head. Yeah. And he tries to throw me at enemies and I'm like, no, thank you. You get thrown.

You are not a Cappy, so you just land somewhere. I'm not Cappy, so I just go into the abyss. I just won't let him throw me. That's just very funny when you imagine him grabbing your arm and tugging. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Hanging onto Mario's eyes. Mario does have eyes that you feel like you

could poke to no pain from him, right? Yeah, well I would just grab his moustache. You know how you could do in the start screen in Super Mario 64? Just grab that moustache and stretch. Sure, it's a canonically grabbable moustache. Yeah, absolutely. And it's a moustache that moves like skin instead of hair. We know this.

Who's the guy that helps out Solid Snake and all the Metal Gear stuff? Oh, Otacon? Otacon. Yeah, that, because I'd be bad at it. Tell me about this enemy. I don't know. Good luck, Snake. He seems nice.

He seems shooting. Come on. It's just no one's impervious to bullets. You've got this. Baby Snake. You've got a gun? I've infiltrated the base. Okay.

Now what? Big whoop, you want a medal? Christ. Man, there was a McDonald's video game in like the late 90s. I don't remember. Hi. I don't remember what you, that was to the dog. I'm not insane.

To anyone tuning into the middle of the pod. Yeah. And I can't remember what you did, but I do remember that you could play as it was like, I'm pretty sure it was just a bunch of, it was just a packet of fries. Okay. And his name was I Am Hungry, and it was the self-appointed vice president of snacking.

But if you're self-appointed, why are you the vice president? No, look, again, because you go for president, you've got power and responsibility. I don't want power, yes, but responsibility, no. Yeah, vice president. But I am hungry was the worst name I'd ever heard for any video game character. That's also sad if he's the president of snacking. It seems like he's never full.

Yeah. That kind of seems like hell a bit. Hello, Ian Hungry. What about, I don't know, a power-up? What if I'm just the star that Mario consumes? No, because you're you. I know. So he picks it up, and then in your voice, it's just like...

And then you just run to a guy and die. So he picks it up and then in your voice it's just like da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da and then you just run to a guy and die. Because he'll think it's invulnerable. But isn't it more like Mario jumps up, hits the question mark block instead of the star coming out you flop out of it.

Mario's like oh my god a guy! There's no air in the brick! Pick me up, we're invulnerable now or some shit. Pick me up. Every second I was in the brick was agony. Every moment in eternity. I would be really good as a vendor in Skyrim.

Yeah. Oh, nice choice. Thank you. All right. Yep, I, yeah. Thank you. All right. Yep, I'll buy these soul gems. They can still die, though, I'm pretty sure. Oh, yeah. No, I'm essential.

Okay. Oh, yeah, then I'll just be, what's his name? Something the Liar. Oh, yeah. Oh, Maik the Liar. Maik, yeah. Maik the Liar. Yeah, can't kill him.

I'll be Maven, Ravenheart. Is that a character? Demi has wares if you have coins. One of them like elder gods that are always like, you know, hey, go on this quest. Oh, yeah, just be like any one of the divines or whatever they're called. Easy. Easy done.

But you still got to put people on quests. I might just be a rabbit, you know? Like you might get shot by an arrow. Which, you know, at that point. I would be a good leader of a mage's guild. Oh, yeah? Because all they do is stand around in robes and be like, oh. And I'd do that at home anyway.

It's true. Very unsettling. I'll be the night mother. I'm just like dead in a coffin. Yeah, that's all right. Oh, finally'll be the night mother. I'm just like dead in a coffin. Yeah, that's alright. Oh, finally. Isn't that alright? I can still speak to people

sometimes, you know. Kill this guy. Kill this cunt. He's a piece of shit. Fuck. He like stole money off Jared. Go get him. You're the listener, whatever. Yeah, man. Fuck, you're so good. I'm trying to think of anybody else in Skyrim that's like... There's that kid who's a real piece of shit. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, man, you're so good. I'm trying to think of anybody else in Skyrim that's like... There's that kid who's a real piece of shit.

Yeah, yeah. She bashes up that little boy. That's right. What's her name? What? There's just a kid that bullies all the other kids. And you get a question about whether she's like the little kid who's bullied. It's like, put the fear of God in her.

Yeah, and you just threaten this child to not bullying other kids. Wow. How about you take the soul of, is it Adjuan? Alduin. Alduin, big dragon. So the guy's coming up to be like, I'm going to slay this dragon. Just me. Being like, hey.

You're like, it's cold at the top of this mountain. It'd be me, a dead frozen corpse. Where's the driver? I was just a dead guy. Did I win? Did I win? Lydia. Yeah?

Just Lydia. That's pretty easy. Be Lydia. She's hard to kill. Yeah, yeah. Not impossible. Not impossible, but hard.

She'd be hard to kill. So like when she's transported to our real world, you know, she is fine. Yeah. But still you. I think, I would be very good as the executioner from the first scene.

Oh, yeah. Just every time you see me, I'm like, hey, make a new character, huh? Oh, you're tired of sneaking in arrows? Oh, sorry, one sec. Off the cuff. All right, well, you know how this is going to go. Okay. Have you guys played Amnesia?

Yeah, yeah, the first one. Yeah, I'll just be the head, that guy who's a head. Which guy that's a head? He's just a head. Where's the head guy? His name's like head. His name's something stupid, but he just like right near the end, he's like, take my head and throw it in the, please.

Take my head. It it in the... Oh, that's right. Please. Take my head. It's Rodney Oswalt. It's my voice by Rodney Dangerfield. He's, yeah, you take his head and you throw it into a void. You huck it into the, yeah, yeah, yeah. After knocking the pillars down or what. It's one of those things where it's like left click, throw underarm, right click, throw overarm.

You can just let, you can just... Yeah. Just pegging it. Yeah. Really giving it some sauce I reckon I could The Monkey Island Being Guybrush

I'm not clever enough for puzzles Oh man I would be The boat dealer The one who just has that constant pattern That like static pattern On his jacket and he's always doing this Yeah yeah yeah Do you bloody want one of these boats Moving no other part of his body on that static pattern on his jacket, and he's always doing this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every time he talks.

Failing around. Do you bloody want one of these boats? Moving no other part of his body. But he's here. I like that you're still, even when you're swapping. I do it. I'm going to do it. I'll do it.

I don't want to wreck the game. You can do an all right guy brush, because again, it's all about options. They're there in front of you. I could work it out which one to use. Why put yourself in that position? And then honestly, most of it is like, use this with this. Use this with this.

Yeah. I'll be that chicken with pulley. Rubber chicken with pulley. Every time. Every time. I think I would be very good as Jonathan Cena in the WWE 2K18 Deluxe Edition. Yes. By the Deluxe Edition, Jonathan Cena is replaced with me, Tom Walker,

and he comes to the ring very slowly and he's very scared because he knows he's in the match for his life. I come to the ring, I'm slinking around, looking over my shoulder, and then as soon as the match starts, I'm like over the barricade, up into, I'm throwing the pixelated guys who are cheering me over my shoulder in the path of my aggressor. I'm just one of the audience members holding a sign that says, it's my birthday.

Who's like a shit wrestler that no one will ever pick? Hornswoggle. Oh, that's cool. Hornswoggle. I would say Primo Colon. I'll just be that guy. Whose name I just realized translates almost as first butt. I'll be first butt and they'll be like,

I'm going to choose him. I'm going to choose this. Like, who's Tom Walker? No, I wouldn't do that, sir. Do you just get surprised by the dog? I just get so frightened by my whole hand going in the dog's mouth. Do you just get surprised by the dog? I just get so frightened by my whole hand going in the dog's mouth.

Yeah, I was showing a lot of hand. I get it. She's a fun dog to play bite hand with. It's good. Rattle her face. What Super Smash Brothers character does nobody play as? Ice climbers? Oh, yeah.

Oh, does that mean you replace one? I replace one ice climber. Oh, then you have to deal with a fucking heartbroken spouse? They're like, where is my husband? He's in the real world now. I live here with you. Just hook me under your chain and fling me at bows or whatever. Make the best of this, loser. I'm so angry at him.

I'm not happy about it either, right shut up you little piece of shit you're all warm in your dumb little hood i'm your husband now somebody picking a character on like the wii and they just see like me and the ice climber but it's like they just don't look happy i don't want to pick yeah standing on opposite sides of the screen yeah you're not even the same the same box as them you're floating around outside the box i would just be maybe just lucas badness yeah that's good that's a good choice uh duck hunt dog from the brand new one you know or just the actual game duck hunt all i gotta do is appear and be like You fucking idiot And go down again You'd be getting shot at a lot though

Whatever, I can't get Oh, it's me I'm like, you fucking Dead, never appear to mock him again That classic getting shot sound Oh my gosh How embarrassing Far out, man

That's a bullet. What if being Baby Mario in the Yoshi one, where he's got to look after you? That's pretty good. All you've got to do is cry. All you've got to do is cry and, oh, I can't. Can I summon a bubble? No.

Shit. Man, imagine being Yoshi and you're just getting decked in the back of the fucking head every ten seconds. Then you've got to lick an enemy. You've got to swallow a guy. Yeah, isn't it a reflex? Is that like how, you know, if you punch your knee right, it does a kick?

Yeah. Yeah. Yoshi has a knee for a head. It's not good. And it's great to imagine, like, a doctor in the Mushroom Kingdom being like, we're just testing your reflexes and smacking them in the back. That's not the noise he makes.

Is it blink? Is that it? Yeah, yeah. Blink, blink, blink. Then he eats the very confusing, like, I don't know, Mario anatomy skeleton. I don't know what's in a doctor's office in the Mushroom Kingdom. I assume it's just mushrooms.

Is that just Mario? Yeah, why is he Mario? Is Mario going to a bunch of Yoshis? He's going to pick one? Clunk, clunk, clunk. Okay, well, obviously Yoshi would be seeing a vet. Yeah. And then also that vet is also a doctor.

And the doctor has various things they need to treat injuries. The only person who really gets injured and not killed in the Mario universe is Mario. Yeah, fair. Because he's the one who gets to put himself in all these delightful situations. I was imagining it was like the toad that's a doctor is like, well, he's the only human being in the Martian kingdom, so I really only need

his skeleton. You are. Fitting that Mario also has his doctorate. Yeah, that's true. So he could be the doctor himself and he's the one examining, you know, Yoshi. I gotta assume everybody's skeleton looks like mine. I'm punching you back in the head and I go for you. You're good. Come on.

Oh, you want to fix this with my peers. Does that mean that inside a Goomba is just a real cramped Mario skeleton? He's like in the shape of a Goomba. Every creature in the Mushroom Universe has Mario skeletons. Oh, no. Bowser is just a lot of muscle and fat with the skeleton. Tiny little Mario skeleton. That's a hideous thought.

Yeah. The big meaty turtle. Let's all agree to never think again. Consider it done. I'll check out of the whole thing. What about being like Donkey Kong's tie? Oh, yeah. I like that we can just be whatever now. I'll be Mario's shoe. We can be fucking anything. Yeah. get it. What about being like Donkey Kong's tie? Oh yeah. I like that we can just be whatever now. I'll be Mario's shoe.

You can be fucking anything. Look, if I can try and be like a star, I'll be like his tie. I can hug a chimp. I'll be Kirby's eyeball. Oh, shuckin' being a key. But it's us! So if you're Donkey Kong's tie, you just got your

arms wrapped around Donkey Kong's neck. I know, I said I reckon I could hug a chimp. That would be a very romantic hug. It's just you with your arms flung around his big, muscly neck. Yes. That's Kirby's eye. Sucking on his neck for his blood, are you serious? Why are you sucking on his neck? Well, I need to, you know, get a new chimp somehow.

No, you're just giving him a hickey, dude. No, you're still just you. So you're just giving him a sweet chimp hickey. Hideous, matted ape hair. That's fail. I'd rather think about Mario's skeleton again than imagine sucking the neck of whatever his name is, Donkey Kong.

Almost forgot. Freddy from the several nights in his home. Is that what it's called? Yeah. An enchanting evening with Freddy. Freddy's the, he is one of the stuffed bears, yeah? He's an animatronic. Is he the rabbit?

Is he an animatronic rabbit? No, he's a big bear. Oh, he's a bear. There are several animals. There's the fox and the duck and the bear. And it's a very spooky game. And sometimes it screams at you. So what you've done is you've paid $15 to get like, every, I don't know, 20 or so minutes.

Can we hear your jump scare? For like if I fucked up playing it and I get the scare from you? I would, but the problem is it's just the N word. That's pretty scary. And before we get emails, not the one you're thinking of. Nicholas! I thought he was going to say something else. I'm all right.

I'm okay. I heard the start of that word and I assumed the worst. I was just about to say, more fools me. I guess I'm the racist. Yeah, what other horror games? Are there other... Yeah, I don't... Are there other horror games?

Until Dawn. I reckon I could just be Peter Saul Mears' character. Is he the bad guy? No, he's like the therapist in some guy's head. Okay. Is Until Dawn... Oh, is that your teenagers you go to stay like? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and Peter Saul Mears plays as like, hey, pick these, like, what do you see? Do you see a duck or do you see you murdering your friends? I reckon I could be a very shit therapist to somebody. Yeah. I reckon I could be butchering the tunnel snakes from Fallout 3. Oh, yeah. Tunnel snakes rule or whatever they say.

Yeah. It's crazy that they managed to create a 50s greaser gang in a Fallout show. It rules. It's just wild. Where'd they get the idea? Is this convergent evolution? Yeah. Yeah.

You don't want to look too closely at it. What you just said. Because there are 50s greasers in the real world or in the past for Fallout and somehow there ended up being 50s Greases. I understand. Convergence evolution. Not evolution.

Idea evolution. Well, it was also like, didn't the bombs get dropped in the 50s? Yeah, but it's several years later. Is that it? That we're all like Greases? There's no other Greases in the wasteland, is my point. Whoa. They are the only Greases that I can remember In any Fallout game

Except Fallout 4, there are greasers in that one Immediately So much fire There's a lot of greasers The game is mostly greasers There's a whole town of greasers Never mind, forget us anything I would be Codsworth

And then when old mate Boring Ian Or whatever I called my fucking Fallout guy, when he comes out and he's like, come with me, I'd just be like, oh, no. I'm not going to do that. That sounds horrible. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

New idea. I'm staying here. It always bothered me in Fallout 4, and maybe the other Fallout, but the 4 was only played. Yeah. Is it's like the moment you're're into the future, you're so ready to do all the awful things like just kill a giant roach and eat its meat. The moment that happens,

I'm screaming and not leaving my house for three days. Once I got confirmed that I was in the future and the world had ended, I'd eat a roach. I don't know. I wouldn't assume that I could eat a roach. Well, yeah, that's the thing. Well, you shouldn't also. You shouldn't eat them. Even in the game, it's a bad idea yeah please don't eat this cock oh you did all right oh it's you've done it okay um i was hungry i was in my room for three days screaming

i'll be a uh dog mate and when the wonder approaches me i'll be like keep walking and i can just keep being me. Woof, woof. He might just shoot you. That's true. He's insane. That's a good point. It's hard.

Fallout's a bad choice because there's no one that's not in danger of getting shot. Well, yeah, quick save, quick load. I mean, we've all tried it out, hey? We're like, hey, let's one of my kind. I mean, but in fallout there's no character that's also not just like horrifically depressed as well it's a really really bad world yeah like we've chosen a like a crapsack universe to to dive on it you want to get somewhere happy yeah yeah what about kirby i don't have to inhale everything if don't you but are you gonna be able to stop yourself could i have a glass of water with this waddle-dee?

I need to get its powers. You're sitting down with a knife and fork to slowly. So much slower. Oh, God, I need cutting powers to get through this puzzle. Oh, I've got to kill this guy. The Hello Kitty cooking game. Oh, that's nice. You just cook and you sing for some reason.

Yeah, yeah. In a horrifying voice. Yeah, it's like a You just cook and you sing for some reason in a horrifying voice. Yeah, it's like a computer-generated voice. And it's like there's this one, you're making tempura, I think, and you have to cut up this shrimp and it's like, rip off the head, tear off the skin. It's a rhythm game So every dish has its own song But it's all like

Cook the meat And yeah No good It's pretty horrifying But that's what I'll just be hella kitty Yeah Fair enough

What about In being in get cooked What's a hard thing In being in cooked Oh my god I have a crazy frog from 2000 Oh man In being in Get Cooked. What's a hard thing? In being in Get Cooked. Oh, my God. I'm having a stroke. Crazy frog from 2000. Oh, man.

Get Cooked, the game where you just have to make a lot of food. Yeah, that's true. And hit rats. There's actually no death in there, which is more than you can say for a lot of the ones we've just. Exactly. The worst that happens is your kitchen goes on fire. Oh, sad.

Not my kitchen. Someone else's kitchen. I just work here. I just work here. I just work here. What about Dead or Alive Extreme Beach Volleyball? Like, it's just me. You open up the game and it's just me staring at you and you'd be like, you fucking pervert.

Choose me, I dare you. Go on. Make my fucking day. I reckon I am really good. Have a long, hard look at yourself. As soon as you pick me me I just hold up a mirror to the screen. It somehow works. I'm like you've got

potential. You're the product of love. It is just very funny like you amongst all of you just like who's this guy? Oh where'd this sexy guy come from? Maybe I should just do it

With this hot bikini boy I'll jump in too Let's see if we can replace all of the bikini boys Because then it's a holiday for us Exactly, we get to play volleyball And then like, I'll pick this lady in a bikini This lady in, oh, this potato-shaped man This other potato-shaped man

Hey Hey, yeah, I'm alright at volleyball Not super good We don't know how to play, but we give it our all The potato-shaped man. Hey. Hey, yeah, I'm all right at volleyball. Not super good. We don't know how to play, but we give it our all. That's my, like, you know when you go into a character and they say something? That's mine. I don't really know how to play.

I'm sorry. I'll just keep pointing at Tom. He's tall. Listen, I'd recommend not. Just please. What other games do you have? Play something else. I would just be insufferable so they don't choose me.

No. Somehow it still keeps going in when you're on the other side. You're on the other side. I'm going to pause the game. Pause. Pause. You're like, I've got to turn off my PlayStation. Just be like an announcer in a racing game or something.

Yeah. Just do that. You're coming first. Well done. Whoa, wow. How are you doing it? You're fast. Quickie boy.

Look at you doing great. I don't want to play video games anymore. Video games suck, dude. I think I'll just tell them, please. But real quick, have you seen the seen the trailers

or played Detective Pikachu? No, but I'm very excited. Dude, I tried to play it. It's fucking shit. I know nothing about it other than that Pikachu's a detective. You're just dropkick kid

and Pikachu's just like, hey, I found a clue it's like fuck that sounds amazing Pikachu is a hard drinking smoking detective I found the gun and I got the power of lightning I ain't gonna play with you kid I'm gonna drink at the bar

my cheeks are made out of electricity god I'm so sad every morning I wake up wishing I had My cheeks are made out of electricity. God, I'm so sad. Every morning I wake up wishing I had the gumption of toying this electricity on myself. Every day I wish for release from this moidal coil. He's got a big cigar and then just zaps it alive. That's cool. That fucking rules.

That's sick. That is great. And on that note, I've been Jackson Bailey I've been Joel Zammett I'm Tom Walker And I'm Tom Walker That's Demi Lardner, she's not Tom Walker And where can we find you Tom Walkers?

We have a podcast called BigSoftTitty.png It's all one word Sorry for the title, it made us laugh We were drunk We were so drunk We were drunk. We were so drunk. We were so drunk. And then I tried to upload the first episode of the podcast and it wouldn't let me because I accidentally put fuck

in the description. I wrote, we're really good at comedy and fucking. And I was drunk and it was like, no. It cost me 20 bucks. We had to buy a whole new fucking Libsyn. Because potty mouth over here. Anyway, so listen to our podcast. There's like a bunch of eps out now.

There's a, yeah, good, thank you. And we're on Twitter. Yeah, and we got some live shows going. Mine's called Honk, Honk, Honk, Honk, Honk. And Demi's is? Mine is called I Love Skeleton. Yeah. Come to them.

And we're very much in love. Yes. Yes, Tom is. No, I love you. I love you. I love you both. Fuck off. I love you, Jack.

I love you too. Oh, we got emotion cucked. Yeah. I can't let you off Maryland University is off Hello. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to sanspantsradio.com and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps. And if you want to support us, head to sanspantsplus.com. Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time.

Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.