Plumbing the Death Star - What Would Be Your Ideal Jurassic Park Style Park?

Episode Date: October 7, 2018

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so you won't need to have listened to anything previously. Just come along and watch your favourite dickheads play some good old fashioned Dungeons and Dragons. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. Where we ask you important questions. Like, what would be your ideal Jurassic Park style park? Manimals. That's more. So instead of cloning dinosaurs, we're cloning something else. Yes.

Half man, half animal, manimals. Yes. That's my idea also. Manimals. It's not mine, but I'm excited to talk about manimals. Bear with a man's face. Yep. Bear with a man's face, man with a bear face. So just to clarify, we're going for like the fly

esque situation? We're going with anything. There are no... The best thing about Manimal Park is there are no rules. Except for fences. Big strong fences. Rule one, there are fences. Well, is any manimal that escapes going to attack people or try to get the people

to attack it no if a man with a pear's face crawls out is he going to be like stand on my head put me out of my misery the fly style

shoot me in the head yeah I shouldn't be so welcome to Joel and Joel's manimal park we shouldn't be it shouldn't be come see what shouldn't be

so basically if you come to Joel and Joel's manimal park where things that We shouldn't be. Come see what shouldn't be. So basically, if you come to Joel and Joel's Manimal Park where things that shouldn't be are, there's just going to be heaps of fucked things. Like, why look at a dinosaur? I can read a book and look at a dinosaur. I can't read a book and see a picture of an ape with a man's head. Like, how disappointing was Jurassic World when the first one? You knew they were like, holy shit, a genetic mutant dinosaur,

but it's just like a white T-Rex. You're like, oh, whatever, that's because it's an elbowed T-Rex. I don't care. I don't give a shit about, oh, you bred this dino to be more aggressive. So? That's dumb. Imagine if the dinosaur had human teeth. What if it was like, we bred this dinosaur to play poker? I'm like, yes, please.

I mean, that's scary. Why is more aggressive going to impress anyone? Yeah, exactly. Imagine they're like, this dinosaur instead of having two little shitty T-Rex hands has eight human arms on either side. Like nipples. Cat nipples. Watch this T-Rex bench press. Yes, please.

What if we give every dinosaur the nipples of a regular animal? This is a triceratops with ape titties. Check it out. That's what you want at Manimal Park. Yeah, because again, think of Manimal Park. You think of any mammal, you think of any man,

you're smushing together. We can have, you want something cute for the kids? Sugar glider mammals. Yeah, well, it's never going to be cute. You're going to have to at a certain point learn to... Imagine this. Imagine an adorable sugar glider with say i don't know gilbert godfrey's face why choose a well-known actor a semi-well

known actor hi i'm a sugar glider that's my gilbert godfrey that wasn't too bad it was all right i recently watched thumbelina uh which he is in, so yeah. Gilbert Gottfried. Yeah. Nailing it. I'm a sugar glider. Watch me eat sugar. I'm in a lot of pain. You sound like Bobcat Goldsway. I'm in a lot of pain.

I shouldn't be. Welcome to Manimal Park. Imagine like the ad and it's like a kid and the gates open and he flies down and hops like the ad and it's like a kid and the gates open. Welcome to Manimal Park. And yeah, like he flies down and like hops on his shoulder. He's like, welcome to Manimal Park. How about this? You go there.

So you hear like the song of Jurassic Park. Like, and you hear this like, you know, this big gates. Welcome to Manimal Park. And it opens. And there it is. This squat little sugar glider playing a recorder with Gilbert Godfrey's face. That's awful.

Ghost of Manimal Park. Who is your, like, Sam Neill and, um, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, what's your name? Laura Dunham? Yeah, yeah, no. Laura Dern. Laura Dunham? Thanks to that. Laura Dunham. Laura Dunurnham Laura Durnham

Lana Dunham the cast of girls and the cast of girls so who is my who's Marnie so who is my Sam Neill and who is my Marnie alright let's see my question is cause

John Hammond brings in two archaeologists to make sure the park checks out. Who is your experts on manimals? Jeff Goldblum. Yeah. Because he was briefly the fly. Yeah, but you're going to be like, is this like the fly was? And what's her name?

The girl from that 70s show. Was she ever the fly? No, but I'll explain my reasoning when I remember her name. Which one? The tall one? The young one. Or Mila Kunis? Yeah, Mila Kunis.

Yeah. Mila Kunis, because she was in American Psycho 2. Okay. Which for some reason I confused with The Fly 2. Okay. Jeff Goldblum and Mila Kunis coming through Manimal Park exactly the same way that Jurassic Park plays out, but with manimals i'm gonna i was

gonna look up like biologists in film and i found a website that doesn't help me at all but the first line just says gattaca so i'm gonna choose ethan hawke and uma thurman have you got one park between you or competing manimal parks it's the same it's competing it's kind of like you started together but then one ideological difference made you start two individual complex. It's one park but divided. There's the

Zametaria and the Dusha Zone. Can you call it Joel Land and Joel Zone? You can't figure out which? Yes. What's the ideological difference that split your park in two? What do you believe about animals that Zammett finds abhorrent? Why am I the one who has to find something good that Zammett hates?

Realistically, it would be the other way around. Either or. Could be either way. Zammett makes some rare collars where i'm like no that's inhumane oh that's a lot better what i was going for what were you gonna say i was gonna be like money's not good so i'm pimping them out why is it always fucking okay that's the line then my park has no fucking zamet's park is like a nightmare west world that no one likes mine's like come look at these terrible things come look at these terrible things and fuck them if you want

I do not want this man who is a bear I'm good yuck you want to go to Joel land here in Joel zone we believe on you looking at this man that's a bear and fucking it which Joel land

am I in I forget that's so bad if you're there with your family you're like wait so so what is like joel land as in like j-o-l-a-n-d what is joel land just imagine a family and like the parents are like we're gonna go to joel land and they're standing there with the two doors and they're like, which one is the good one? One of them wears collars and one of them doesn't. Okay. Also, I'm pretty sure one had the seedy sex. I think you can fuck them in one of them and I just don't want to accidentally go to that one.

Jolette. Jolette. Turn around, go home. I want an Island of Dr. Moreau this. Okay. So yours is specifically animal people. Yeah. The Isle of Dr. Monroe this. Oh, okay. So yours is specifically animal people. Yeah. The Isle of Dr. Monroe.

So that is more like anthropomorphic animals. Yeah, I'm going with anthropomorphic animals. Okay. Dusha, what about you? Nightmares of science? Nightmares of science. Okay. So whereas, and I know Arts and Crafts is-

It's a staple of Pomerantina. So I'm just going to- So Zamet has like a bear man. Yep. So you've got like a bear face Whatever Looks like a man Big gaped mouth Whereas Dusha would have

Like the bear ear Head like that Then you get the hair down here But in the middle Is a sad man Like that Like a sad face poking out of a bear's head please kill me hello my name is bear man i wish i was not my name is bear now man i have named myself mbaka and i wish to be free free of this mortal coil do not fuck someone once named me peter

and i chose to keep that name i wish to live like you mortal i wish to no taste of cheeseburger then please give me cheese shoot it with a tranquilizer you're like the animal's sick sorry peter is unwell we gotta put him down so yeah i reckon that'll be a fun little time i'm reckoning we go like look over here at joel land you have the nightmares yeah joel land you have the anthropomorphized animals still nightmares but a different variety of nightmare Yeah None are good I feel that the ones in my nightmare park Kind of maybe form tribes and society And don't want to kill themselves As much as the ones in say

Duscha's zone Is yours So Joland Yeah Is kind of like a zoo But Joland is a bit like a safari Yeah No there's a zoo and a brothel

Okay It's a brothel safari. No, there's a zoo and a brothel. Okay. It's a brothel safari. Look, that just depends. No brothel unless we're real like... Is that like your... You know Disneyland has like the Club 6-6 or whatever? It's not like a brothel, but Disneyland just has a secret exclusive club for...

Is that your... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is for like if things aren't going well and like the uber elite are like we appreciate your park but what if i was to fuck the bear man i'd be like well that would be going against my code of ethics and how much you need the money all right okay so it's good to know so so joelander safari joel. Yeah. That's how it works out? Yes. Okay. What is to stop the people in Jolanda attacking the Safari? Why?

So I'm assuming in Jolanda, the man-animals fear Joel. Yes. With his tranquilizer dart and his ability to put them down on a whim. But Jolanda man-animals, they're led to run free. So what's to stop them rising up against their human oppressors? Oh, there's nothing. Okay. That's good.

In the security section of the dossier that you hand out, it just is black. We have none. Next question. We have a security team. I feel like we have a lot of tranks. But also I want to have maybe plants that are growing in the nature that may be, I don't know, hallucinogenic. Okay. Cooked manimals.

Maybe we'll get that aggressive gene and we'll just make it low. Okay. So you got passive cooked manimals. Yeah. Again, threatens of tranquilizer dots. We don't really differentiate there. I fear, well, I don't fear you. I fear douche's park. Why?

Because you animals are sad. Zammits are just boring. Imagine you're in a safari truck and you're like, oh, there's a lion man asleep. Okay, okay, okay. We'll just get different drugs for different occasions. Yeah, we'll also have the caffeine plant. Yeah.

So that if we want to, we can be like, Oi, manimal, chew that plant. And then it gets aggressive. And mine aren't sad. They're happy in their zoo. I don't shoot them heaps. I'm so glad. Do the manimals of Joland tell terrible stories

about the manimals of Joland? I'm so glad I'm not in joeland but in joeland in joeland they are treated unkindly here in joeland we are safe i was like oh i don't know in joeland i feel maybe take away their ability to speak okay because i don't like them communicating that i can understand oh wait no no i emphasize I make sure I teach all of mine English. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. The language of business.

Yeah. My park is being opened. I'm taking a leaf out of your book. Central Park, USA. I teach them Esperanto. Ah, the universal language. Yes. Take yours on a traveling show.

Like a freak show of all. Yeah. I thought you were going show like a freak show of all yeah you're gonna say a freak show evolved i was like yeah i guess in many ways it is yeah sure um so what do you do when things inevitably go wrong because that is just gonna happen that's that's part of running a park guys eventually your animals will escape how smart they are because like i feel velociraptor smart okay i feel maybe i will be a turncoat okay and i'll be just like guys guys guys guys guys guys don't kill me i got some ideas what if we just shaved you all and then you can assimilate to the rest of the world okay i think that that is a terrible plan because if you then your your park cannot ever so like in jurassic park they have like seven attempts after the first one you've just I think that that is a terrible plan because then your park cannot ever...

So like in Jurassic Park, they have like seven attempts after the first one. You've just told them that there's nothing separating them from the people except a shave. Yeah, but I don't want to die, man. That's true. Mine won't kill me. I'll be like, I get it. We've been talking this whole time. You just live in a zoo.

That's fine. I live in a house. It's the same shit. I come to work every day. You wake up. You're at work. We're the same, but your life is better. Stay in the zoo.

Is that going to be your speech when they all burst into your office? I'll be like, welcome to my office. Would you like to help with this work? Is that what you want? Because, fuck, I got a lot of paperwork. I would love to swap with you. They put you in a cage and they run the Joel Dushan suit. Perfect.

That's good ass. Do you know how lucky you guys have it? You are so lucky. Yeah, you know how many people bring me food every day? None. The animals will not run your park well. They don't know how to run. Oh, no, the language of business.

Maybe to make your product successful. Hey, you're doing that wrong. Let me help. Bring him in my enclosure. I'll help. Give me a laptop. I can do some spreadsheets. I never taught you Excel.

Quiet, you. The manimals rule the island now. But your business is bad. That's a snake with a human mouth, by the way. A bunch of animals is operating like a fairy floss stand. The people come to see one exhibit. Joel Docher. Are you sure they're not seeing you guys work?

Are you sure you are now the exhibit? Who would want to come and ogle at a snake with a human mouth? I've got so many people. Watch as I eat a banana or drink from a soda can. See, I want to ogle at this. This is impressive. This is every day. It is humdrum.

Look at the man who lives like an animal. And the snake does lots of little kisses. That's just a nervous tick. Also, I don't think I'd have any carnivores. Yeah, look, that's clever. So just a lot of cow people, horse people. Horse people, cow people. Oh, you know what?

Yeah, horse people, cow people, I can ride them. Yeah. Make a centaur. I guess what's nice about doing animals is that you can just do domestic animals, which are cheap and easy to you can just do domestic animals. Yeah. Which are cheap and easy to get. Cat folk. Yeah.

Easy. Okay, well, give me like five animals that you'll turn into manimals. All right. Well, oxen. Yeah, okay. Is one. Horse. Good.

Is always a good choice. Walrus. Yeah. Because you want some aquatic folk. Shark. Yeah, that's right. You need to see. Dog.

Yeah. Because they're going to be loyal. People like dog. People like dog. What else? Whaleman. Alright. Because you've got to have a big and, you know, let's see a T-Rex as a whaleman.

People want to see a whaleman. What about you, Dusha? Alright, so we've got a bear that is a bear but has a human face on his bear head. Snake with a human mouth. Snake with a human mouth that drinks from a soda can. And eats a banana. And eats a banana. How can he peel it? It's not good for snakes, ah.

A bird with a human nose. Where does it go? On top of its beak. It's just functional. It just takes longer for air to get into its head. It's just like a nose where its beak is and the nose just kind of splits open a bit. No, no,

no, yes. We've got the fly from The of splits open a bit. No, no, no, yes. Changed my mind. We've got the fly from The Fly. Yeah, cool. Movie tie-in. Yeah, yeah, and a dinosaur with a human face. So you do have one dinosaur. But it's

a brontosaurus. That's a big boy. That guy's high up. If you listen closely, you can just hear, help, help, I'm so high up. I'm too high, I hate it up here. Please help me. Give them all like fears.

Like one's got a fear of heights, all the birds, fear of flying. No, then they just want to fly, that's boring. Everyone has a fear of heights. Just that one guy, Because then that brontosaurus Will always have his head down by the ground Hey I hate going up there It's too high up

I become afraid Patting a brontosaurus's face would be good Yes Wait so it only has a brontosaurus's face? No no no It's a brontosaurus with a human face But imagining patting a brontosaurus's face? No, no, no, no, no It's a brontosaurus with a human face But imagining patting a brontosaurus Oh yeah, tough, but in a good way

I feel like you just like Kind of like slap pat it And it would be good for everyone And it would love it Or give it a little noogie on the head Well, when they eventually rise up, Dusha, you'll die Because zamets are just domestic animals You have a bear in there.

I can't believe a walrus is domestic. But with the brontosaurus with the human face. Yeah. Does it also have human hair? Because I just love the idea of it having a side part. No, it's bald. Oh. That's so much worse.

That is sad. But yeah, I guess, like, the bear is attacking. Yeah. The fly is probably also attacking. But what's good about Dusha's is that It seems like all of his animals Have a man's face Which means when the bear attacks It's biting with human teeth

Which isn't good I guess it's still got claws And does it have the powerful jaw? No a man's jaw It's just a man's face Same with a snake with a human mouth It doesn't have fangs anymore So I'm pretty safe You're going to get bitten No, a man's jaw. It's just a man's face. Yeah, man's jaw, man's face. Same with a snake with a human mouth. Like, it doesn't have fangs anymore.

Yeah, so I'm pretty safe. You're going to get bitten. Yeah. Oi. Just knock them in the mouth. Do you think if heaps of humans bit you? Maybe I'll give them mouth guards. Ah, muzzles. Muzzle of all.

De-teeth them. No, because that takes away... A snake with a human mouth, but no teeth is boring. Yeah, gum in you. I don't want to see your gum snake. No, it's Nansnake. How about this, right? You de-tooth them all, but you give them dentures.

Because that way when they rise up, pluck them out. Give them metal dentures so that when they rise up, you have a big magnet. Collect all the dentures, neutralize. And they're like... Look, new plan. Because I'm creating them. I'm just going to clone them, Suicide Squad style, bombs in the head. Look, new plan. Because I'm creating them. Yeah.

I'm just going to clone them, Suicide Squad style, bombs in the head. Ah, that's a good idea. That's sad. I mean, I'm not going to... Look, it's a... It's a precautionary measure. It's mostly just a threat.

Can I milk my oxen, folk? Sure. You can do what you like, man. Have that as a little, like, stall. See the oxen drink its milk. I'm basically going to... I think I'm going to have, like, a'm basically gonna i think i'm gonna have like a you know those excursions you have to a farm yeah you learn how a farm works that but they're also

manimals well i guess it's kind of like imagine if the cow that was getting milked could tell you about the process yeah you know that's kind of what we still hate the idea of milking cow even though i do enjoy milk every now and then never a glass of milk just because that fucking time in primary it just i'm gonna finish that story but you went to a yeah farm and they made me milk a cow and then drink it out of the bucket straight away that is so disgusting i remember doing that as well and then there was like a like a farm cat around and we're just lapping the milk straight from the udder that's fucking awesome that's the sickest shit I've ever heard. That's nature mixing in ways it weren't meant to. This boy's a big fan.

Fuck both these stories. Actually, yeah, I think they might just make them all farm animals. It's a good idea. Make them all milkable. Yeah. Why not? Goat people. Man with udder.

Yeah. Why not just have one exhibit, man with udder, lots of different milks You're genetically making him, what else? Oh, that's a good idea Everyone has a man face, but everyone also has an udder Yeah Milk a brontosaurus Brontosaurus with his giant udder

Welcome to Joel Land, the milk adventure park Yeah Communicate with the animals as they have human faces And milk them like a cow I'm just trying to think of, like, ways you can monetize. Yeah. So it's just like, okay, yes, people are going to come in and pay to be like, oh, cool, look at that dinosaur man or look at that manimal. That's fantastic.

But we've got to be like, all right, how do we do this? So, hey, if we have, like, a chicken man. Yeah. They're laying eggs. Oh. There you go. Eat the eggs. Eat the eggs.

Same thing with, like, you know know An oxen or a goat person We're milking them, have their Whatever make them, cheese? You know how sometimes you crack an egg and there's accidentally A baby in there? Imagine that but with a man's face Imagine that gets into circulation Amongst regular eggs

Well I was actually just having a thought similar to this I might clone something to be made out of tofu Because then it ruins tofu for vegans, I guess. Which I don't... I like vegan food. But I just thought that that was funny. There's something funny about being like, this thing that is vegan we've made alive.

Even though it's still not alive. So we'll make a tofu lad? Yeah. Tofu lad, which means that all tofu could come from tofu lad, which means that now it's a precaution. It's very strange. Now you've got to be careful about what you have. It just seems hurtful.

Yeah. Well, what I was going to have for my park is I was like, you know what's cheap to clone? And you know what requires no legal anything? Me. So if I just clone heaps and heaps of myself and just pack the place with mays. Do you reckon you're a herding

animal? It's just gonna be may. That's what I mean. Do you reckon when you're the collective of jacksons. If a dog barked at me and forced me in a direction I'd go with it. Okay. I think if a dog was like getting this I'm just trying to like wonder like what kind of you know a collective of jacks would be.

Are they like a herding animal? Do they form herds? Are they maybe like small little mobs? I sort of have this. Like kangaroos? I sort of have this image of, so, and I don't know why, but this is what I've been imagining the whole time. So, you know, you know, like old zoos. Yeah.

Where before they were any good and they were cruel to the animal. Okay. And it was just like a concrete pit. Okay. That, but full of as many me's as you could possibly muster. Look, I'm a fan. Yeah, and then people just come and they're like, that's a lot of that one guy.

And that's, therein lies the exciting element of the park. I can imagine it being exciting, but then kind of there's that initial, ooh, but there's a big slump. People have already paid to come in by that point. That's what I mean, but what's the longevity of this? Like how are you making money? You could probably milk me as well. I mean, we'll just chuck an udder on there, why not?

Yeah, or just, you know, like... Because that's how you know it's you, right? You have, like, Prime, Jackson, Udderless, and then the... Oh, what if they, like, try to rise up, hack off their udders and stampede? I am Jackson. I am the real me. Look, I have no udder. What's. I am Jackson. I am the real me.

Look, I have no udder. What's that scar? Cancer. When I had the cancer. I know of this tale. None of them are really me, but then they just put me in one of the tanks. It is illegal to own a tortoise in Australia.

I am Jackson. What if I get confused? You will. Which one am I? My real one? Did I cut my udder off? Why would I do that? That's free milk always.

If you had an udder, would you drink from it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which means that all of the Jackson pros are going to be drinking from their own udder. I don't know why I asked. I'm actually going over, like, you've got a little viewing area, and there's just a Jackson doing this with its legs up by its... its knees up by its ears, sucking on its own otter. Tell me that's not a good day at the Jackson Zoo.

That's the worst day at a Jackson Zoo, but the sad thing is that's every day at the Jackson Park. That's all they're doing is sucking the milk out of their own otters. It's getting all in their beets. And they're all fucking fat from drinking their... I imagine Jackson milk is 100% fat. It's just flavoured.

Chocolate milk. It's sugary, yeah. It's thick. Viscous. And they are fucking all the time. Very proud. Imagine you just... Jackson, you fucking another Jackson. They're utter resting on, like, the other person's back. Big bellies.

Big bellies. Milk splurting everywhere. People are taking photos and then deleting the photos. People, like, other Jacksons are standing on the side clapping. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. All right. More of this. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. All right. More of this.

This is good. I like this. You, the actual Jackson Prime, is standing in a viewing platform also clapping. Looking at all the people we've come to see. How good's this? This rules. Hey, guys.

They're fucking. That's good. If I was one of them, I'd be fucking too. I wish I had enough. I might hop in if that's cool if i was one of them i'd be fucking two like i don't i wish i had enough i might hop in if that's cool with you guys it's not weird because it's me then i clamber over the fence and i'm sued i think uh everyone is unhappy but excited for a bit yeah no because it's just me So I can do what I like I can be like

Do you want to see an anvil Dropped on a guy? Oh so we're like Life is cheap Yeah well they're just me So whatever Huh? Can we hunt you?

Okay so it's like a Safari park Where you can Kill the animals Yeah And like do what you want Can we And we eat them yeah?

Yeah Yeah You can eat a man So like whatever You probably shouldn't Kill the animal. Yeah. And do what you want. And we eat them yet? Yeah. Yeah. You can eat a man, so whatever. You probably shouldn't. You'll get that weird tongue tumor, but you can. Tongue tumor? Yeah, if you ate meat for too long.

I was reading this recently. Meat or man meat? Man meat. You get this little tumor, and one of the places it often goes is on your tongue. Huh. From eating too much man meat. It's got something to do with the proteins. I don't really know. All right. So, well, if we're creating proteins. I don't really know. All right.

So, well, if we're creating that, why don't we be like, all right, we'll give each Jackson clone a big old udder and we'll get rid of that man meat protein. Just give me like cow haunch. Yeah. Then you can eat that. Make my meat really edible and sweet. Done. Can we give you like the lower half of you just like cow legs?

So you're like just walking around. I don't see why not. I like the idea of you having like big cow legs but walking upright like a man. Yeah. With a big udder just hanging and swinging between your legs. Well, look, I'm going to need some variation. I'm going to need some variation in enclosures. Yeah, exactly.

So why not have some are cow Jacksons, some are regular Jacksons. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One is just me. So really, you kind of want... Thanks for coming to my park. So you kind of want manimals. Which, like, which Joland do you want, Jacksons? He's going to pick...

Joland. Oh, what? Don't pick mine. Pick his. You can fuck in his. You're not fucking in mine. Well, I'm not going to your Joland. I'm making a Jacksonland.

It's just that I'm basing the model on Joland. In that they're hideous freaks of science manimals Yeah, yeah, yeah Well, I mean, yours are freaks of science too But yours are Island of Dr. Monroe freaks of science Yeah So you're wanting a lot of Jackson, like, manimals Yeah

And initially it's going to be like, oh, how good is this? A bunch of Jacksons And they're going to be like, you know, fucking milk everywhere And everyone's going to be like, this is disgusting And you're like, I need to compete with Joel Landon Joel Landon. Maybe I'll just do it based on like the people that come there. I'll be like, what would you change? And whatever they say, I'll change. Kind of like a customizable path.

Yeah. So you welcome someone in. You're like, what do you want to see with this face? Exactly. What would you like to put this face on if they're like the side of a horse i'm like three of my faces on either side like i just imagine just like the horse with the your face on the side and where there's a neck a stump oh no what about a horse but instead of the eyes on either side of its face, it's just little of my head in the sockets,

and they're always screaming. I mean, I guess if that's what you really want. That's what I assume the people. Yeah, I mean, maybe imagine... It's a good business model. Yeah. Do you want to see me give birth to me? Yes, I do.

No. You know what? If I had to list the top five things I never want to see, you fucking you whilst you both have udders and beagle bellies. Yeah. That's up there. Watching you drink your own milk. That's also up there.

Yeah. And I think number one is you giving birth to yourself. As I came out, I'd be like, hey, all right. The newborn me would be like, yeah, this is cool. This is nature. Accept it. This is I'd be like, hey, all right. The newborn me would be like, yeah, this is cool. This is nature, accept it. This is what nature looks like. When can I fuck? Oh, soon, man.

Oh, yeah, sweet. He has, like, little baby legs, like, trying to walk and then just fall over. And then he waddles around, yeah. I think it's a really good model because if you kind of, like, are right, this is the genetic structure of Jackson that you have. Yeah. And so, presumably, that's easy just to kind of hatch him out. Yeah.

Like, he's like lickety-split like that. You know that scene in Jurassic Park where John Hammond's in the hatchery and there's an egg and the baby little velociraptor comes out? Me, but it's me and another one of me. And I'm like, hey, man. And he's like, hey, I'm sticky. Can you clean me? Like, lick yourself.

He's like, all right. Anyway, Sam Neill, do you think this is what dinosaurs looked like no not you're a man oh yeah good point but i have an udder is that what dinosaurs look like you look down you have an udder oh crap where's the real me he's got to be in one of these cages Sorry Sam Neill, I gotta go Jackson! Yes! No, not all of you The real one

I am the real one No you're not, you have an honour You have an honour I know I'm not the real one I thought I was What are we talking about? I'm going to go back to drinking my own tit milk.

That's a good plan. I might do that now. It helps me think. Okay. And I walk by, I'm like, oh, fuck. Another one got out. Thought it was me again. Kept giving Sam Neill tours.

I know they're not dinosaurs. That's insane. Could you then be like, all right, what we could do is a person who's come in, what if we could get a little bit of your DNA and mix it with Jackson DNA? So you want to see you with my face. Would you like to see me give birth to you? And then watch baby you fuck. Come on down to Jackson Park.

Nothing is legal, but everything's happening. Another kind of money-making scheme you could have is if you were doing that, it's like, how about this? We'll get a little bit of your DNA, we'll put in a Jackson udder clone, and so everything organ-wise will be completely compatible with you. So if you need a kidney, we can grow you one lickety-split. Absolutely.

I love organ farm Jacksons. Why not? This one's got 48 lungs. Leather, mate. Yeah. Imagine getting, you know, like you get in Australia a classic souvenir is a kangaroo scrotum money purse. Yeah.

That, but my scrotum. Exactly. Why not? You can really do a lot with this. If you just like get ethics. Yeah. Put them in the bin. No, I'm assuming I'm doing it in international waters.

I have to. So you can do anything you want. You can be like, what do you want? You can have a whole production line going on. Absolutely. You can be like, if you want to ride a Jackson, there it is. If you want to eat a Jackson, there it is. If you want a Jackson skin purse, we've got, mate, a variety of fashions.

We have it in fucking droves. And because I'm me, the legal side of it. You're giving consent. It's like they're my clones go ahead, you know. Clones have no rights. Yeah, they got no rights. They're my clones. And they're me, so they're cool with it.

Yeah. If you're like, Jackson, I'm going to make leather out of you, I'd be like, yeah, all right. Man. Sick. Jackson, I'm going to attach an udder to your front. Fuck yeah, I can drink from that. Can you make it so the milk's real

gross and fatty? Sure can. I like hippo milk. Let me sweat pink. Yeah, I want it to be thick. Like, real thick. Like a milkshake, a thick shake, but just milk. Yeah, real thick. That viscous, but just milk. Yeah. Thank you.

Real thick. That viscous, you could say. I like to think the udders were a request from the cloned me. Yeah. Hey, I love being alive and all, but I would be happier were I to have an udder. Also, is it cool if I fuck him? Yeah. So you say it's cool?

Yeah. All right. Fuck. I don't care. Oh, This is mad Single Jackson clone Like both genitalia Yeah So it's like

Yeah whatever I want them to braid Yeah So yes Every Jackson clone Has a womb Imagine my big belly But big belly

You know there's a new Jackson Being born inside With a big belly I imagine Every single Jackson That is pregnant Doesn't realise And then it's like Oh man I need to with a big belly itself. I imagine every single Jackson that is pregnant doesn't realise. And then it's like,

oh man, I need to take a big shit. Oh no, that was... It was me again. It was like, even though we joke with saying they're babies,

but I just imagine a fully grown you. Yeah, me too. No, I never imagined them as children for some reason. Or like, they came out little but then

grew huge in a matter of seconds I'm big this rules every time I imagine this park there's a terrible tropical storm happening like it's like it's a horror movie see it's funny because I just imagine the park smells bad oh heaps the best thing of this though is like when you know cages and fences fall apart and you can't escape, you won't.

Yeah. I'll be like, hey, the fence is broken. I'm not going to go, but I thought I'd let you know. Someone should fix that. Can you fix it? No. Can you not make it electric this time? Because I keep getting zapped.

Stop touching it, then. No, I keep forgetting. No, it feels good. I like it a bit. It's kind of comforting. Can I change my request? Can I make sure it is electrified? I had to think about it, but ultimately I like the zap.

Anyway, bye. Have you guys seen any milk for me to drink? Oh, never mind. Never mind. Forgot about this as well. Give it a big old slap. Makes like a sloshing noise. I hate your park.

Just like a milking shed, just a bunch of Jacksons all just there. Oh, yeah. A bench to rest your belly, another bench where your udder goes. Plug it in. That's great. And 100% organic as well, which is nice. This is a terrible park for terrible people, and you're going to go out of business before both Joel Land and Joel Land.

I reckon he's onto something. I reckon mine is. You guys should go into business together. I reckon we should. Absolutely. Enjoy hell, dickheads. Because we've just got, like, I've got manimals in me, and, like, look, you can ride, you can farm them.

It's good stuff. I guess the one difference point between me and like look you can ride you can farm them it's good i guess the one difference point between me and you at first was that you were gonna allow the rich to fuck yours and so i guess jackson's park is very appealing to you absolutely hey i'm in an enclosure and i know i got an otter but just letting you know if any of you are keen for a fuck jackson that that's on the DL. Oh, sorry. Forget. Only if you're rich. Yeah? Yeah. Give you the thumbs up. Only if you're rich can we fuck. Ah, see?

Or if you're bored. I'm bored. Yeah, look. I'll just, like, give the crowd, like, a, huh? Anyone? Anyone? Why do you know I'm putting the hands up? You guys are fucked. Slap it again.

Sloshes around. Imagine, like, you know your classic, like, at a zoo or a nature park or whatever, they do, like, demonstrations? You know the one where the buzzard cracks an egg with a rock? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just me, but doing it exactly the same. Yeah, just the one guy with a big glove. Yeah. And, like, if we were real careful, we can call this giant eagle.

There's, I don't know, slapped down. What are you, like slapped down like, I don't know, 14 times. About four of you come out from the forest.

Oh, what's this? Ghouls? Is that a big four you're talking about? That's sick. You're going to raid this. I imagine, not even that,

just like a sandwich. Oh, whose is this? Is this anyone's? I'm going to eat. I ate it. And then we fight with each other because we all wanted the sandwich. One sandwich. Are we gonna break it up? One sandwich, three glasses of milk.

They'll fight for the sandwich and the strongest one will win. We all kill each other. There was no strongest one. Turns out they were all weak They were all the weakest one In this situation And the weakest one who was hidden in the forest

Gets the reward It's like little tiny I'm not quite fully formed I know the best way Is to not participate Because I get the sandwich And then Trips overbrains himself on the rock.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jackson. Oh yeah, that'd be great. There's the fucking ad, right? You there, welcome to Jackson Park. Opens up and there's like a chorus of you all just milling about. Four of you eating a cheese sandwich.

Some of us sucking our own titties. They call them tipples. Tipples. Half titty, half nipple. Yeah, look, I think it's certainly profitable, if nothing else. I think all in all, every one of our parks, top fucking notch. 10 out of 10 parks, Jackson 0 out of 10. Oh, I disagree.

Negative 10 comes around, 10 out of 10 again. A negative 10 is still a 10. Exactly. Still the highest score you can get. Look, I'm going to Jackson Park because I don't know what I'm going to get. Absolutely. You're going to get Jackson fucking Jacks don't know what I'm going to get. Absolutely. You're going to get Jackson fucking Jacksons with big bellies and big udders.

It's not the worst thing in the world. It's up there. Look at that Jackson give birth to another Jackson while he's sucking on his own udder. Yeah. Or I could give birth to you if you give me your DNA. Huh. And on that note, I've been Joel.

I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. Don't visit Jackson Park. Don't go. I'm gonna start a smear campaign. You don't need to. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter

you can find us at Sandspants Radio or you can find us individually I'm at Douche13 I'm at OldDogsOfDead and I'm at GodDammitZammit If you want to hear our other shows you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there

There's heaps! And if you want to support us head to SandspantsPlus.com Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time Goodnight for now. But not forever. Kisses.