Plumbing the Death Star - What Would Happen If Harry Stabbed Dudley With His Wand?

Episode Date: May 19, 2019

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Sands Pants Radio. Good job, Greg. series of massive pits around my property if you'd like to witness this and i imagine you would then head to twitch.tv slash sans pants radio where me and zoe stream the sims 4 every sunday at 7 p.m australia time once again that's twitch.tv slash sans pants radio every sunday from 7 p.m hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star where we ask the important questions like what would happen if harry stabbed dudley with his wand um this is another wait sorry but first question where well no i think there's a more important question where Wait, sorry, but first question Where? No, I think there's a more important question, when? Okay

Because Two questions When and where And a follow up question And where In brackets Location of event Oh yeah, I see what you mean. Where setting.

Where setting. Where stab wound. Well, okay, so Harry first gets his wand in the Philosopher's Stone from Diagon Alley. So he can't stab Dudley whilst he's living under the stairs. It's not doable. Well, no, he can when he's living, because he's still living under the stairs in summer and whatever. He can't, basically, he can't stab Dudley when he probably wants to stab Dudley the most. Yeah, he can't stab Dudley before going to Hogwarts. And he can't stab Dudley When he probably wants to stab Dudley the most

He can't stab Dudley before going to Hogwarts He can't stab Dudley in a zoo That's unfortunate Because what a great place to stab Dudders Make the glass disappear Then stab Dudley What's the definition of a wand? Hang on

A knife is not a wand Is a stick? No We're not breaking the universe here He gets his wand A knife is not a wand. Is a stick? No, no, it's just like... No, no, you gotta get it from... We're not breaking the universe here. He gets his wand. You've raised your finger.

Hang on, let me first... First I'd get... Okay. And a wand is a long, thin stick or rod. So... So... He gets his wand I guess Harry's specific

It's not The question is not What would happen if Harry stabbed Malfoy with a wand It's with he stabbed Dudley With his wand I mean Look Him stabbing Malfoy with a wand

Might be A repercussion of him stabbing Dudley with a wand. Maybe after he stabs Dudley, he goes on a stabbing spree. Yeah. That might be a repercussion. You're correct. But you're right. Until then, we'll see.

Okay, so Harry has to come back from Hogwarts after his first year. Yep. Unless he goes home for Christmas with a solid end of stabbing Dudley. All right. St stabbing Dudley. Alright. Stabbing opportunity one. First available moment is going home for Christmas. First Christmas back from Hogwarts. Yeah.

He's only back for Christmas holidays. I've learnt a new spell with my magic. Oh no. Get away with that magic. We don't like it in this house. Oh, it's a very simple spell. Stabbing the where. That's a good point. Yeah, well, Harry we don't like in this house. Oh, it's a very simple spell. Stab in the where. That's a good point.

Yeah, well, Harry... I feel like in the tit is a good place to stab Dudley. I don't know if it's in his belly or his eye. I guess, to be honest, a wand isn't pointy, so it's just going to be a prod. Yeah, that's why it needs to be, I think, somewhere soft. So, either his eyes, his ears, or open mouth. Yeah, I can imagine open mouth. There is the risk of a spell going off.

What spells did Harry learn in his first year? Well. He learned how to do a rat-a-dweck-hop. So he learned Wingardium Leviosa. And now we do know that you cannot use magic. I mean, it's illegal to use magic as an underage wizard or witch outside of hogwarts but if he casts a spell in dudley's now good luck the ministry of magic catching him before whatever spell goes off well i've just i just got a list of harry potter spells

here okay um and also okay why are you doing that i was gonna I was going to... He learns alohomora. Alohomora. Alohomora. Alohomora. How are you going today, Amora? Shoving a wand in Dudley's mouth and then saying leviosa. What happens? What gets lifted? I like the idea of, like, say...

Because presumably his whole body. Because, like, if he picks... You can pick someone up by the head. It's hard, but you can do it. So you can pick someone up by the head it's hard but you could do it he's picking someone up by the back of their throat put me down Harry

Alohomora is a scary one because that unlocks doors I keep imagining the three of us in class and it's like Zammett Alohomora Jackson Dusha, alohomora. The lock just grows a fucking mustache and little legs. Dusha, that's just not how you say it. Hello!

The lock's like, yeah, how's it going, geezer? It's me. What's on the agenda for today? Which one of you cunts brought me to life Right, you Who wants to party It's great if you imagine McGonagall Just killing it with a book

Be more careful Mr. Dutcher Stop hitting me Who knows what could happen So while we're deciding Which spell he's using Who knows what could happen? Okay. All right. So while we're deciding which spell he's using, presumably while he's stabbing Dudley in the mouth, that's hitting the back of his throat. Yes.

Now, Dudley doesn't seem like a person who would keep his mouth open. No. So if he bit the wand and broke it, what happens? Well, we see in the Chamber of Secrets that a broken wand can result in, like, basically chaos magic. So, who knows? I mean, Ron uses his broken wand to tape back together. And it doesn't go well for him.

No, he accidentally makes himself vomit slugs. Yeah. No, someone does that as a curse. No, but I thought he does it on himself. Oh, maybe he does. Yeah. I just know that if you guys knew that spell, I would never stop vomiting slugs. I just know that if you guys knew that spell, I would never stop vomiting slugs.

I just sort of imagine you- Hello, slugs! They've all got little mustaches. Oi! They all come out of my mouth and turn around to you. Oi, geezer! Oi! You summoning us out of this geezer's mouth! Yes, mechanical contact stops

them. Mr. Dusha, please stop. Stop giving things sentience. They will kill you. It is a guarantee. Right. Who wants to die today? I love a sentient door with a mustache just trying

to force itself off as he just right, cunt, you're coming here. Dusha, we can't leave this classroom because of you. It's fine. Everyone I'll let through, just give me that one. Jackson, damn it. Get on either side of me. No!

You gotta do it yourself. We're going. We're going. We're leaving this. You solve it. This is your fucking problem. I'll fucking end you, cunt! He's so upset to be alive.

Oh, hi, Ix. I don't know what you did. Okay, so... I'm imagining he uses Alohomora, but Dudley bites the wand and all of Dudley's teeth become little mice that run around like escape into the yard. So what does Alohomora do?

It unlocks things. Unlocks things. So, okay, what's in your mouth again? Maybe to just make Dudley breathe better. Yeah. Alohomora do? It unlocks things. It unlocks things. So, okay, what's in your mouth? Maybe to just make Dudley breathe better. Yeah. Alohomora. Yeah. How does the, like...

I'd use that to go to sleep. Sometimes I get really blocked at night. Just shove my wand down my throat. Alohomora. Sorry. With your, like, the pipes in your throat. Yeah. What's the one that goes food and what is air?

Actually, windpipe is air. Throat is food. Esoph throat. Yeah. What's the one that goes food and what is air? Actually, windpipe is air. Throat is food. Esophagus? Yeah. Esophagus is like a little sphincter. Is there a sphincter? So when you're like... So to stop choking, doesn't like when you're doing something, one closes?

Yes, I think so. So if by opening that up, would that be permanently like dilated? Yes. So like dilating that oral sphincter? You might just kill that's what we were working towards yes yeah but even just like in his first year i mean stabbing him in the throat with a wand is pretty funny yeah yeah turning the back of someone's throat into a furry cup is also very funny oh hello guardianiosa. That's lifting them up.

But... Dude, pay attention in class. But that's opening someone up. No! I have a magic wand. Why would I care what the... So you're lifting someone up, but you're doing the first half of open. Yeah.

So you unlock them and fling them into the sky. But you'd only open them a little bit. So you half dilate his throat. Open up! That's what I'm saying. Alright, so that's- Why is Wingardium Leviosa, like, a spell that they need to use? Like, throat- yeet shit as a

spell. Yeah, that's true. I think if you say a spell quicker, it happens faster. Alohomora! Poof! Into the roof. The lock shoots off the door. I was trying to do Wingardium Leviosa. Wingardium Leviosa!

Poof! Well done, Jackson. You've unlocked the door yet again. That's the only one I remember. Pay attention in class. Don't you toss! What'd you say? I'll stab you with this wand!

My wand would have little bite marks on the tip because I keep chewing on it. So because a magic wand is magic, so I'm imagining, so if Harry is, so he's stabbed Dudley in the mouth, you keep pushing it, so it's at the back of his throat. He keeps pushing it.

Now, I know it's not sharp, but is that going through his... If Harry does it with enough force, it'll go through him. Just a guarantee. All right. So you could stab him all the way through the neck. Does Harry go to jail? Well, if a... Question.

Does Harry go to wizard jail? He killed a muggle boy. Yes, but he didn't do it using magic. Is that still bad for wizards? I think that's a grey area for wizards. He's also 11. That's true. I forgot.

Hey, not tried as an adult yet. No, go to juvie. Oh, yeah, Harry and Juvie. Harry Potter and the Court of Juvenile Detention. He just sits in his cell sharpening his wand being like, I'm just gonna stab Dudley again when I get out. Are you sorry? Nope.

Just waiting to stab Dudders again. I think if I was Harry I would stab Dudley when Dudley gets I was gonna say when he gets 34 or like 48 presents for his birthday. But that's before Harry goes to Hogwarts. How about...

What about when he throws his PlayStation out the window? Harry throws his PlayStation... Oh, Dudley does. You come in and you're like, hey, you got that a year early. Stab, stab, stab, stab, stab. My famous one gripe with Harry Potter. Them fucking up the release year of the PlayStation. What about when the Dementor

comes and tries to eat Dudley? And then Harry's like, an opportunity has arisen! That Dementor stabbed Dudley 17 times! I was just imagining Dudley getting his soul sucked out. He sees Harry coming, he's like, I know we've had our differences, but you've come...

Oh my god! Harry just jumps on Dudley's back while Dementor's about to kiss him. He's like... I hate you! Stabbing him in the eyes. Good work, Dementor. Yeah, that's another opportunity he has.

What happens? What actually happens if you start... If you like... Like I was thinking about sharpening a wand or chewing on a wand. Yeah. Is that like the same as breaking it? No. Is it like, because I imagine it being like a battery

for some reason. No, if you chewed off the end, that would probably result in problems. I don't think so. And I imagine it would probably backfire in your mouth. I don't, uh, because again the wand's mostly the casing for whatever is in the core. Yeah. But they also use like, oh, it's out there, um,

phoenix feather and willow and blah. So I'm guessing the wood But they also use It's like Phoenix feather So I'm guessing the wood Is also part of the magic But will the shape Okay what about if I just I don't know Attached a bayonet to the wand Are you googling can you bite the end of a wand off

Yeah and I'm finding stuff I'm shocked more at the second part than the first part. All right, so if I got a knife and I duct tape that to the wand and then stab Dudley, am I stabbing him with the wand or the knife? You're stabbing him with the knife, definitely. That's like if I'm holding a sword and then a gun and then I shoot them. I'm like, did I stab them with this sword? No. No, I shot them with the gun that I'm holding.

What if you're using a Final Fantasy VIII gun blade? Well, again, am I stabbing or am I shooting? Stabbing. Then I've stabbed them with the gun blade. I haven't shot them. It's really hard to find out what happens. If you chew off the end of a wand. Yeah.

It's weird that the internet doesn't have an answer for that. I am so shocked. I hope that when you Googled, like, what happens if you bite off the end of a wand, does it hurt? It just links back to your Twitter where you've tweeted that exact question. Well, I know when saying, like, a lot of, like, Dungeons and Dragons or those kind of things, if you break a wizard's it kind of like makes an explosion but as we've seen in the

Harry Potter films you can just snap an elder wand and it's fine yeah oh man that's so funny most powerful wand it's like snap like a twig which is also dangerous because like sure you can there's an acuity apparently the only thing that can if a wand's completely broken...

Apparently, the only thing that can fix a wand is the Elder Wand. So if I snap a wand in half, even though Ron's is fixed by duct tape, to make it back to complete perfection, I need to Elder Wand repairio. But how do you repair the Elder Wand once... You don't. You just... You're shit out of luck, Cowpoke.

Can I make another deal with the devil? That would be so funny, imagine if like During one of the battles with like Voldemort Or something, Dumbledore just fell funny And snapped the Elder Wand Oh, well, never mind Forget this whole Tirade of mine, you broke

The thing I wanted Why didn't Dumbledore do that anyway? Ah yes, he's after The wand I know I don't know, I don't know why no one Just snapped the Elder Wand, but I'm sure people Are screaming at us exactly Why

3, 2, 1, if you yell loud enough we'll hear you 3, 2, 1 Thank you very much Dumbledore is a coward Yeah, the wand can't be broken until Dumbledore is dead. The wand can only be broken by the true king of England. Yes. Excalibur.

I think in the novels, he doesn't snap it. No, he doesn't. It's definitely only in the film. Because I remember watching it and then I happened to be like, what? So you can probably sharpen your wand and that wouldn't break it completely. Yeah. And you could stab someone with it. You can stab Dudley literally wherever you want.

Yeah, absolutely. His pigtail. Stab him in his ass. Hey, did he have to get surgery for that? That's crazy. Do they still keep it for a bit? But the pigtail? Yeah.

Like in a jar? No, as in, well, when did they get surgery? They would have had to book it in. Dudley had a pig's tail for a while. Yeah, how much? That's intense. I don't know until they could- Did someone come back and magic that away?

I can't imagine because Hagrid's- Surely like Dumbledore or whatever is like, ah, yes, let's check in on Harry, but Hagrid, what did you do? Yeah, because surely Hagrid is actually not allowed to cast spells. Or he's kind of like half allowed. I don't know. Hagrid should be in you do? Yeah, because surely Hagrid is actually not allowed to cast spells. Or he's kind of like half allowed. I don't know. Hagrid should be in jail. I agree.

Yeah. What I'm wondering about is wandless magic. So wandless magic is just like intent, right? Like that's a big part of it. What is wandless magic? It's like where you do a spell without like saying, oh, no, sorry, not wandless magic. That's doing a spell without a wand. I'm thinking of when you do a spell without like saying Oh no sorry not wandless magic That's doing a spell without a wand I'm thinking of when you do a spell without saying the words Silent magic which is a thing some powerful wizards can do Yes

And it's also what Harry can do because it's what Harry did That's how he broke the snake out But also did that wandless How does magic work in the Harry Potter universe A wand is like a way to channel it basically A wand is like a focus So you can just kind of do magic willy nilly, kind of like just basically chaos. But you'll be bad at it.

Hey, whatever! Making this disappear! Picking that up! Making a child's head turn into a cup! I spent too long trying to figure out an answer to the pigtail thing. It was just a school holiday period and the reason that they had to get it surgically removed was because Hagrid didn't actually mean to do that spell. He just got angry. Well, there you go. That's what I'm saying. So if you stab

Dudley... Wait. He got angry. Did you point his wand at him? Yep. His umbrella, because Hagrid doesn't have a wand. It's his wand. No, no, no, because his wand was confiscated. Yeah, but his wand is in his umbrella. Yeah. Is it? Yeah. That's why he can do magic. He doesn't just have, like, a magic umbrella.

Or just an umbrella that he imbues with giant magic. Yeah. It's his wand's in that. His wand, or bits of his wand is in that. Yeah. Man, what the fuck is a wand in Harry Potter? A bit of stick with a bit of thing in it. But is the thing magic, or does that just help the focus? The wand chooses you, Jackson.

Ah, Jackson, your wand's core is dog and also dog. Ah, yes. Dog hair. And it's made from the wonderful, oh, just dog tongue. Ah. Dog hair. And it's made from the wonderful... Oh, just dog tongue. It's a dog hair wrapped in a dog tongue. Here it is. The wood is balsa wood.

Good luck not snapping it. This dog tongue is still wet. Yes, it does, Lash. Why does my wand smell gross? Because it is a dog tongue. The wand chooses the wizard. It's great if you imagine him shooing me out of the show. Wand chooses a wizard.

Can't be undone. I'd like a replacement. I'll rob a wand. There you go. Yes, the wand chooses... Oh, what's this? Yeah. I thought that was rubbish.

Imagine us in the boys' dorm. You're like, oh, what's your wand, Jackson? I'm like, I don't have just one wand. I just tip out a whole bunch. Yeah, a shoplifted piece. Jackson, none of these will work. One of them's gonna. Well, they will.

They will work, but not well. No, the wand chooses the wizard. I've got other wizards' wands. Oh, it'd cause so many problems. All those wizards at Hogwarts that don't get their wand that year. And you just say, I don't know what happened. Oh, good prank just to go in there. Get one of your friends to distract

him while you go around and snap every wand. Good luck, dickhead. Where's the elder wand? Don't worry. Harry broke it in half. I also like the idea of finding like, um, that soulmates exist and going around and just killing people. Just snapping everyone. But you must be able

to get a new wand because Ron does. Yeah. Or is he repaired by Dumbledore? No, he gets, he has to throw out his be able to get a new wand, because Ron does. Yeah. Or does he get his repaired by Dumbledore? No, he has to throw out his wand. He gets a new one, I think. He gets a fancy new one. Again, maybe I'm wrong. Nah. Or does Harry buy him a new wand?

Someone, maybe. I don't know. I'd be so annoyed at Harry. He's so rich, and he buys no one anything. Doesn't he steal Malfoys? I don't know. Who defeats... No, that was him.

I'd throw my wand away. It's more trouble than it's worth. Yeah, look. I'll just learn wandless magic. I'll learn stabbing with a knife. Lock me in a room and I'll yell Alohomora at the lock till it opens. Are you trying to figure out who earned the Elder Wand at the end? No.

No. I thought maybe like... Was there something where Ron got like someone else's wand? But I don't think he did. No, he... He had someone else's wand and that's why it didn't work properly, right? No, no, no. His wand wasn't cooperating because he'd been

disarmed or something like that. Maybe. Because that happens with the Elder Wand. Yeah. Like, if you expel the armour of someone, that counts as defeating them so the wand is now yours and not theirs. So if you, like, got to, like, you had, fighting a wizard, you were, like, Avacadabra, and that, you killed that wizard, is that wand. You were like, have a cadaver. And you killed that wizard.

Is that wand that belonged to the dead wizard sick and you own her? Who gets that wand? The elder wand definitely works. I know the elder wand, but surely other wands are the same. Yeah, if I just go around and I kill all the wizards and I strap their wand to my wand. But then in Hogwarts, you are learning Expelliarmus. You're having jewels. So constantly people are losing respect.

Does that mean that if you keep losing in Hogwarts, does your wand stop respecting you? Like, I hate this guy. He's a coward and doesn't know spells. I'm not going to help him. Or it tries to help you too much. You're learning Expelliarmus. It just throws out a Nevada cadaver.

That's so scary that there is just a spell that can kill people you gotta mean it though and for some reason the books assume that no one would like unless you're really evil but i'll tell you what well except in the last book when fucking um what's her name mrs weasley does it she kills bellatrix she meant it does she do it with a Kedavra? It's not it never says what spell but presumably. Because that is an unforgivable curse and yes you're doing it for the side of good. It's still unforgivable. Here at Plumbing

the Death Star we are happy to declare that Mrs. Weasley is going straight to hell when she dies. Good. Or at least wizard jail. You know how you can use Avada Kedavra but it'll just give you a blood nose if you don't mean it? What? What?

So when Moony or whatever, whoever he is, is teaching you the unforgivable curses, he's like, I'm going to teach you about a vada-kadaver. And all the kids are like, whoa. And he's like, don't worry, cunts, because you won't mean it, if you try and do it on me, at worst you'll just give me a nosebleed. Okay. Imagine if you just got a little sociopath

like... Avocadava dead. Like Crabbe or Goyle and just be like, Avocadava! And then suddenly he dies, turns into um, Barty Crouch Jr. Everyone's like, what the fuck just happened? You beat... You win! You beat

the book! You beat the fucking record time. You got to the end of the Goblet of Fire without even trying. Harry doesn't even need to go in the triwizard. You're good now. Yay. You know, man, because it's easier to kill a spider. Imagine just sitting around and you're watching TV or something to fly.

You're trying to be like Avada Kedavra every bug that just lands on you. Well, that's what I was thinking. Like, I was just imagining, would you be comfortable with someone Avada Kedavra-ing you even if you assumed that they didn't want you to die? No, because what if they did? Yeah, but you don't know. That's like, it's literally Russian roulette. Yeah, I guess you're right. I guess you're right. It'd be like, yeah, are you...

There is no real world equivalent. I'm like, Shooting you with a gun Shooting you with a gun that only Produces a bullet if I really mean it It's like giving someone a gun saying Shoot me but I know I'll be fine because you'll aim for my leg And then them shooting me

In the face In the head Square through the penis I'm out of cadaver Bang bang bang In the head. Square through the penis. Avada Kedavra! Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang! So is stabbing someone with a wand better than Avada Kedavra? Yes.

Yeah, because stabbing with a wand, even if you don't mean it, could be fatal. I feel if you went to stab someone with a wand, your wand might assume what you want to do and then just kind of cast Avada Kedavra anyway. Yeah, that's a real problem. Because the intent is there. The intent is there to stab. At the start of the episode we said,

okay, the earliest moment he could stab him is if he's 11. But if he tries to stab him after the Goblet of Fire, Harry has done unforgivable curses by that point. Yeah. Which means if he goes to stab Dudley when he's 15 or older, the wand could reasonably be like, oh, you forgot the words of Vardika Dava. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it, buddy. The Vardika Dava. That's a dead Dudley when he's 15 or older. The one who could reasonably be like, you forgot the words Avada Kedavra. Don't worry about it.

Don't worry, buddy. Avada Kedavra. That's a dead Dudley. So how does wordless... Do you have to say it in your head? I think it's just intent. So if he goes to stab someone, before he even stabs him, he might just cast Avada Kedavra. That's actually a good point.

Well, that's only if his intent is to murder. Well, it feels like... Well, Krakusius or whatever, the pain spell. Yeah. You might just do that instead. But here's what I keep... Just cast Imperius. Also, Imperius seems way not as bad as the other two.

Yeah. There's fucking chocolates that make people love you. How is that any different? Yeah, how is that any different from the Imperius curse? I would have to hazard a mind control that um they're probably made from the same spell yeah which is fucked up that kids can get that and ron falls in love with a lady that he doesn't love yeah and that's apparently according to grindelwald crimes of bad yes good. Hey, what would happen if I just ate the chocolates myself? Really horny.

Love yourself. Just hard as a rock. Guys sweating penis harder than it's ever been. Get Adam Pomfrey. I'm in such pain. But I'm so handsome. Upending the tin, no chocolates left. How many of these did you have?

Oh, man. I fucking met. I fucking ruled, mate. God, I'm beautiful. So sweaty. You know the story of Narcissus? Yeah. Now he just stares at himself until he dies.

That. Madame Pomfrey being like, put him in a room with a mirror. He'll fuck the mirror until he's died. And it'll wear off. That mirror was a hole. Yeah.

Just get like one of them pillows with your face on it. Here's a wife, a Jackson waifu pillow. Enjoy. He's gonna fuck the shit out of it so don't stay in his room.

But eventually he'll calm down. Coming out like two days later, really thin. Covered in dried sweat. Guys! What the hell just happened? Where's the pillow, Jackson? Oh, I left it on the floor.

Oh, you know what? You don't need that pillow, man. I'm going to throw it out. I'll throw it out later, though. It's doubled its mass. It's in bad shape, guys. I just left it in the Gryffindor common room. I'll get it later.

Biggest shock there was that you're allowed in the Gryffindor common room. It's a big shock. Why am I in the Gryffindor common room? Surely I'm... I just can't even get into any of the common rooms because I forget the password. And then forget which house you're in. You're like, oh, I forgot the password.

Wait, is this even my house? I'm trying to get into what I think is the Hufflepuff thing, but it's just a random classroom. Dude, what's the puzzle? Jackson, that's the door to the classroom. It's not even locked. Just open it. No, it's a riddle.

Let me think. If the door... Door of would handle... You just keep twisting it and yanking it towards yourself. God, this riddle's hard. I'm just gonna sleep in the great hall again. Like I got this pillow.

Who gave me this? The last two days were a blur Just like laying your head on a Soggy, soggy pillow Just the feeling of when your head touches it And it's dry for a second And then just so damp That's a lot of commies Too many commies second and then just so damn.

That's a lot of commies. Not too many commies. That's the best is it's your face on it. But it's great that Madame Pomfrey just had it. She's seen this before. In me. Jackson, this has become a weekly occurrence. I just love the chuckles

They taste good and make me so horny No rules At least I'm not bringing locks to life Like do You in a bed next to me Like face all bruised from a lock That beat the shit out of you Aloe pillow Why me like face or bruise from a lock that beat the shit out of you hello pillow

why why do you do this they'll never understand us fighting and fucking that's what it means to be human um okay when else could harry stabley? After it's all over I'm glad we're friends again Yeah I saved the day Dudley I have nothing left to live for Send me to wizard jail At the very very end

After he sends his kids off to Hogwarts He just goes back to his I guess, cousin and just stabs him a lot. Ginny, do you mind if we make a quick stop over at my cousin's house? Oh, yeah, of course. I've not seen Dudley in a while.

I wonder how him and his wife is... Drive, Ginny. Just stab the fucking shit out of him. Ginny, Ginny, drive. We've got to go. We've got to go now. We're going to be on the run for a while. We've got to get back Ginny, Ginny, drive. We've got to go. We've got to go now. We're going to be on the run for a while. We've got to get back to

Hogwarts, Ginny. It's the only place where I'm safe. What do the wizards do? And now a quick word from our sponsor. Well, just a weird pause. But while I have you here, have you heard of our sister podcast, Thumb Cramps? It's a weekly video game

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So that's my question. So let's just say he stabs Dudley. Dudley's dead. Who has jurisdiction? Yeah, well, what I'm wondering- Oh, wait. If he's just stabbing him, despite the fact it's with a magical wand,

if no spell goes off, that's just a crime. What if I'm a wizard? Let's ignore Harry and Dudley for a second. Say I'm a wizard, and I went to Hogwarts, graduated. It's great. Fucked a pillow a bunch.

And then I kill someone with a knife. Yep. Do I go to muggle jail? Although a wizard's like, he's one of a knife yep do i go to muggle jail although wizards like he's one of ours you'd probably go to well it's a weird thing because the british prime minister or the parliament know about wizards like the muggle government know about wizards which is dangerous i mean politicians famous for fucking keeping things on the dl and not accidentally leaking information yes i wouldn't be surprised if... I'm going to throw this stat out. Once a day, a politician tweets their password accidentally.

Because surely the wizards would know. For some reason, I just like a lot of politicians tweeting out me horny. Is that... That's their password. Me horny one. Capital M. Okay. But like, because surely if I'm going to jail,

muggle jail, the wizards know I can do magic. Even if you're not good at wordless magic, like I won't be a powerful wizard, I know that, but I'll probably be able to figure something out because I'm innately magic. Yeah, I won't be a powerful wizard. I know that. But I'll probably be able to figure something out because I'm innately magic. Yeah. Surely good luck cops catching you. Yeah, I know.

And also, you can turn... Well, we could turn your murder victim into a bone or a cup. Yeah, but see, I'm trying to do it with no magic. So you want to do... You're a trained wizard. You've graduated Hogwarts, but then you do a muggle crime. Yeah. M wizard You've graduated Hogwarts But then you do A muggle crime Yeah Muggle jail

But then presumably If you escape from muggle jail The wizards are like We'll take her Yeah because I could just Apparate out of that jail Yeah but like You'd never

Why would you not How would you get caught Yeah I don't know Because if you were like Okay say you're Incinerate the body I think that's a fire spell Yeah

But see I'm trying to do it With no magic No but that's Zamet saying. Yeah. But see, I'm trying to do it with no magic. No, but that's Zamet saying, like, if you do a crime, unless you want to get caught, you're not gonna. I just would never. But then are the wizards like, well, that guy is a dangerous psychopath. And you're like, what? I'm like, but I'm not killing people with magic. I'm killing people with knives.

But guys, we hate muggles. It's fine. Don't we hate the damn muggles? How much do wizards know what's going on with magic? Because I know when a kid casts that They're like, ah, we know he's casted magic Or no, they don't know a lot Because they're like, ah, magic happened around you

You're the only wizard around, therefore you cast magic That's true They must just have a way of detecting where magic happens So you could be a really good wizard serial killer If you could stab someone with a knife, say And then like you know turn them into a cup or something they would just know that oh yes a magic happened but also do something at the same time yeah i'm like i turn my victim into a cup but also like

anything else i have into my house into a cup yeah or like say i picked up a twig yeah using um and i'm like oh no i was just picking up a twig, I wasn't No, we got two spells going off though I also turn this guy into a cop I crack under the slightest pressure. I guess if wizards investigated, they could probably

untransfigure things. Oh, that's true, they could probably go into an area and be like, untransfigurous and then everything that was transfigured Every mug in your fucking house just turns into a guy. Thank you. I guess he kept trophies. But I just like grabbed the cup and, I don't know, huck it into the sea.

Smash it. Whatever. Well, yeah, I was also thinking, just like if you were a kid, because they're not like Big Brother style. They're not like watching constantly. No. They're just no magic is happening. And they're probably not watching regular like adult wizards because the child wizards is where it's a crime. Yeah, you can do...

You could become a very powerful murderer as a wizard. That was the intent of this episode. I mean, don't stab Dudley for fun. Yeah. I'll stab Dudley. So I guess if Harry Potter stabbed Dudley with his wand, depending at what age, he could easily get away with it. Yeah, absolutely.

There are so many spells to get rid of a body. Also. Wingardium Leviosa. And yeet that body into the sky. I thought you were going to be like, Wingardium Leviosa onto the roof. That's also good. Where's the body, copfaces?

Officers? Copfaces. I also think if you did... No body, no crime. If you did a crime, if you were underage and you cast a spell in Diagon Alley, surely they wouldn't be able to figure out it was you. Surely there's so much magic going off in some places

in the world. I feel like it's got something to do with the fact that underage wizards like registered and that's the magic that they're picking up on. No, because Elfboy. Yeah, that's true. Dobby drops a cake and they're like, Harry Potter you did magic and he's like, Dobby did magic, but fucking whatever.

Wait, does Dobby use Harry Potter's wand? No, he just levitates a cake with magic and he drops it on Harry Potter's aunt. Fucking, he just levitates a cake with magic and he drops it on Harry Potter's aunt. Fucking gotta. But you're more like eat cake, idiot. Yeah, so

if you were in Diagon Alley where there's so much magic happening anyway and you did a spell, no one would know it was you. I mean, I don't know what you've achieved there, but it just seems like a place wizards can do magic. So you drag a body to Diagon Alley, then do a spell, turn it into a cup, huck the cup into the sea. Yeah.

Perfect crime. Yeah, exactly. Or into a drain. I'm trying to think like strangers on a train this. Okay. Like a group of you get together, stab the shit out of some gross muggle. One of you casts the spell. Here's all you got to do.

You got to be like, hey, say the three of us, we wanna kill a guy. Yep. Say we wanna kill Dudley. Alright. For Harry Potter. Yes. We're like, we've read the history books. Dudley's a piece of shit that, look, we got this. So, all we gotta do is we hold a party, and we set it all

up magically, so we're like, magic lights, magic streamers, magic food, magic cake blah blah blah and just in the process magically dead to dot and then when the cops come they're like magic went off here and someone's dead we're like i didn't know about that the only magic we've done is setting up the party exactly there's too many different things for them to ever be able to track down that we murdered dotley and turned him into if you just cast a um um i like turning into punch that's good thank you av Kedavra him or whatever.

But the thing is, you could just do the Transfiguration one. Oh, yeah. Turn him into punch and then drink him. Absolutely. There are so many... You don't even need Avada Kedavra. Why does everyone use Avada Kedavra? Turn Voldemort into a cup.

Done. Yeah, I was just reading there's an opposite to the unlock spell called, like, Copulchia or something. Just use that on someone's throat. Yeah. Then they choked it out. There are so many spells that you could do without. One just severs things.

Put it to someone's neck. Behead them. Turn them into a rat. Snap the rat's neck. You got so many options. Strangling a rat's easy. Anyone can do it. Rats got tiny throats.

However. I agree. Pop that rat's head. Just hold it by its head and squeeze. If you turn someone into a rat And then you snap the neck Do they turn back into a person? I don't know

Even if they do Then you just turn them back into a rat Turn them into two rats Boys, boys, boys Turn them into shit Disappear that shit Flush them Don't need plumbing Because plumbing doesn't exist until the 1700s into shit, disappear that shit. Flush them. I can't flush them.

Don't need plumbing. Because plumbing doesn't exist until the 1700s. You send that body to the shit dimension and everybody's living their best life. And someone's like, someone died here. No, I just took a shit. I mean, you could say that the smell killed, but

haha. Sorry, sir. Up top. Hey, stinky shit boy over here. Hey, is that cool? I no longer want to talk to you. Is it cool to brag about how big the shit I took was? Because, boy, let me tell you, it was big.

Boy, are my arms tired. Hey, I just took a shit, and boy, are my arms tired. Hey, so I just took a shit, nobody else will. But no, there's so many ways that you could just, just with turning someone into a cup, it either just takes the fight away and then you can do whatever. Murder is just absurdly easy in Harry Potter. It's so easy to murder folk in Harry Potter.

And also transfiguration is they i maybe i'm wrong here but it doesn't seem like there's a time limit on it so i could not kill someone but i could be like i've transfigured you into a nice china bowl put you in my cupboard and then avada kedavra the cupboard or just that's it i just don't need to do anything else done now we eat off you regularly yeah the person's's basically dead What are those invisible boys? Kestrels? Ghosts? Ghosts?

No, the horses Oh, Kestrels Thestrals, sorry Right, surely they look violent Surely there's got to be some kind of like Something I could just say like Ah yes, like a scent or whatever I could either douse someone in

Or like kind of command the testicle to like attack. Aren't the testicles really gentle? I don't know. I just realised something. Speaking of ghosts. Yeah. You can't really get away with a wizard murder because you murder them they just come back as a ghost and testify against you. What they're gonna be a cop? Good luck.

That's why you don't murder. You turn them into a bowl you drink soup out of them. I'd be scared they'd figure it out, and then my soup would be spilled. Yeah. But I guess. Well, because the ghost's kind of... Look at Nearly Headless Nick. I mean, he's nearly...

Yeah, but it doesn't matter if you're nearly headless. You still die. I know that. I'm saying he comes back as what he was when he died. Ah, you're saying that it would come back as a cup. Look at this ghost that is a shattered cup. Got him good. And then they seek revenge because you've got to walk

over the shattered glass. Ah! Wish wizards invented shoes! Last dance. Yeah. I just don't understand why you would need any other spell except turn someone into a cup

as we've said many times over it is the one it's the alpha and the omega of wizard spells I feel like I could just get bored and evaporate the ocean at one point it's just such a versatile spell put guardian of the ocean into the atmosphere

imagine like say playing Quidditch, and you're just like, ah, gotta get that golden snatch. Snitch? Whatever. Yep, snitch. You chase that snatch, Joel Zammett. I bet you golden snatch. Turn that snatch into a furry cup, am I right, boys?

Hey! Yeah, so whatever. Turn everything into a cup. Turn the referee into a cup Win! Joel Zahmet goes to Azkaban Guaranteed Turn someone's broom into a cup

It's the best spell there is It's the best spell there is So, to answer the question we originally posed What would happen if Harry Stabbed Dudley with his wand? Probably just a bit of bleeding. Or maybe death, depending on how he stabbed him and where. And depending on the intent, I would argue.

Yeah, and that's pretty much all that would happen. But this has resulted in a lot of other consequences of our actions. I still reckon his throat would turn into a cup. If Harry knows what's good for him, he'll use that spell. I think the one takeaway here is fear magic. Because even simple spells can kill. This has been a PSA from Plumbing the Death Star. And on that note, I've been Joel.

I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. All magic is dangerous. Cape safe. Thanks for listening and if you want to follow us on Twitter you can find us at Sandspants Radio or you can find us individually I'm at Douche13

I'm at OldDogsOfDead and I'm at GodDammitZammit If you want to hear our other shows you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there There's heaps and if you want to support us head to SandspantsPlus.com

Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.