Plumbing the Death Star - What Would Happen If Mario and Sonic Actually Competed in the Olympic Games?

Episode Date: March 13, 2022

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Home of comedy, culture, adventures, and ghosts. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. Sorry we were late, we had to start recording late because there was a fly in the studio. It took us ten minutes to get rid of it. But it's sorted now. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. The fly's out, don't worry about it. It was an ordeal. It would fly near the door door but not out of the door

also joe by the way the whole time i'm screaming just to live with it but the boys refuse it's gone thank god so we can start the episode and uh today's episode actually is where we ask the important questions like, what would happen if Mario and Sonic actually competed in the Olympic Games? Obviously, this is a reference. a very funny, clever reference. It's a clever one. It's a thinker. It's a thinker to the worldwide hit, the video game, Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games

and then Mario and Sonic at the 2022 Tokyo Olympic Games. 2020. I feel that's wrong. 2022, new leap year. I'm like, oh, this year. Yeah, no, yeah. That was 2012, 2016, 2020, but unfortunately the actual 2020 Olympics didn't happen.

Mario and Sonic appeared in a fictional Olympic Games in 2020. Yeah, 2020 Olympics that never were. Yeah. Pretty amazing. Which is funny because that's also in Akira, those 2020 Olympic Games, which also ended up being fictional. So maybe it's the same one. I like to think so.

Anyway, but if you think about this in real life. Stop. Put down the video game controller. I'm like, thank you, Nintendo Switch. You give me a lot to think about. Yeah, but you give me a lot to think about in video game. But hang on, I put down the controller. Now I'm thinking about real life.

You watch Dr. Robotnik do a swan dive and you're like, this is fun in the realm of games, but in the realm of real? Would I be so happy? You would be frankly shocked and disturbed and appalled. Well, we ask you today. Yeah. Well, first off, I'd be like, hang on, what is that? I'd be pointing at the hedgehog.

Mario? He's Italian. Okay, yeah, that's fine. An Italian man. He's not, but is yeah, that's fine. An Italian man. He's not, but is he? He doesn't look like any man I know. You've got to get out and meet some more Italians. Look, I wasn't looking at, I was pointing to the blue,

but here, you say he's a man. Blue, that's green, that's Luigi. He's also Italian. He look more like a man than the little red guy. They're both Italian. Okay, yeah. Sonic the Hedgehog, They're both Italian. Are you? Okay. Yeah. Sonic the Hedgehog, where's he from originally?

Green Hill Zone. Oh, okay. And what country? What is he representing? Yeah, because in Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games, you can pick at the beginning what country you represent, which I don't know if that should be allowed. Surely Mario is. Well, he could be

If I was Italian I would be cut That he didn't pick Italy But also He's Japanese right That's a great point Before we get into this This is what they do in the Olympic Games So Sonic and his friends

In the game not the actual Olympic Games In the game In the Olympic Game They can represent any country his friends. In the game, not the actual Olympic game. Yeah, in the game. In the Olympic game game. In the Olympic game game, they can represent any country and they compete in not every sport, I think, but most sports. So dressage, diving,

rifle shooting, marathon, downhill skiing, what do you call it? Skateboarding. What do you call it skateboarding what do you call it everybody synchronized swimming

yep tennis doubles yeah tennis doubles basketball 100 meter sprint yeah all of these things badminton

the cleaning jerk hurdles cleaning jerk I don't know if they do the cleaning jerk they should do the cleaning jerk yeah but they

pretty famous sport jerk the point is they compete in all of these different challenges when they're doing floor work as a gymnast do they do the ribbon or do they do the balls I think they do the ribbon from memory you can do the ribbon in maybe the most recent one so these are just the

and now we only see them compete against each other but presumably that's because Nintendo didn't want to make us play Michael Phelps. Yeah, Olympian. Ian Thorpe in there. Yeah. So we got to assume that they-

Mario and Sonic of the Sydney 2000 Olympics. Yeah. Wow. Oh, my God. Michael Clem's there with a golden controller. Yeah. Michael Clem. Clem?

Clem. Clem. Michael Clem, gold Nintendo controller. Yeah. Clem? Clem. Michael Clem, gold Nintendo 64. Yeah. This episode's going to be for two kinds of people. People who remember the 2000 Olympics

and followed a lot of that swimming team. Yeah. And people who know a little bit about Sonic. See, I reckon it's going to be for two different types of people. Morons and fuckwits.

Thankfully we cover both in this very room. I also just Hopefully we cover both in this very room! I also just keep looking over my shoulder expecting the fly to be back. Halfway through he's gonna rise from the grave, because you walloped him to get him out of the room. Yeah, I walloped him to get him out of the room, but- Full on punched him, basically. Yeah! Well he wasn't leaving! Yeah, that's fair.

I feel like getting punched by a god. I don't know what the fuck happened. That fly's last moments were the most insane last moments he could have ever imagined happening. But I think the only crazy way to die is a fly is to be sucked up in a vacuum. Like, what the fuck would you think is going on there? And then you might be alive in a weird sack. Anyway, being a fly is scary. Anyway, so. First of all nintendo is real yeah that's the first revelation second revelation sonic is real

sega is real excuse me yeah yeah so that's a huge i mean for us like learning about the 2020 tokyo olympics that's crazy they're like like Mario's for real in this one. And then we see him on the screen. So in, in the, in the game game, yeah. I, so you play, you can play as Mario. You can play as Luigi, you can play as Sonic. Princess Peach, Princess Daisy, Sonic, Tails, Rose, Dr. Robotnik, Bowser, Donkey Kong. So all the Mario guys are there. So we're competing against an ape. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah., yeah. In a tie. Do they have their own?

So are they competing in certain countries? Or is it like Nintendo Land? They pick the country. They could go Ireland. They could go Senegal. It doesn't matter. When you're talking the actual video game, on the character selection screen.

I get that. I'm saying in real. After that, then they pick a country. I think in real they pick a country too. No, no. No, but there's gonna be if you can't pick you that's going against the rules of the olympics i think it's already against the rules the olympics how are we gonna let sonic the hedgehog compete in 100

meters sprint there's no rule to say that an ape can't wrestle yeah there are some sports that they are going to be naturally good yeah but are we applying the video game logic to it which we're like you're allowed to compete yeah but if you compete you have to compete in everything. Yes. Well, I assume so I assume they compete in everything Oh, I assume it's like a kind of global thing where we're like What country will Mario represent and all the countries of the world are like Mario they're gonna buy the Australian Marketing campaign to be like Donkey Kong clearly belongs in Australia. Look at Queensland. He would be great in Queensland.

We changed Queensland to call it the Donkey Kong state. Donkey Kong country. Donkey Kong country, if you will. Come on. You can imagine we would Photoshop, say, Donkey Kong on the Wet n' Wild. Yeah. Some of the rides there. We'd change New South Wales to Diddy Kong Quest, just in case.

It's great to imagine Donkey Kong Like he's giving A press conference And they're like Mr. Kong Which country Will you choose to represent

And he just like Wild eyes Puts his lips All over the microphone I represent Donkey Kong I'm his manager And he says Let's say Australia

But you would have Just prior Like the three years I guess prior, Australia. But you would have just prior, like the three years, I guess, prior to the Olympics, surely you'd have all these big marketing campaigns trying to acquire these. It would almost be like a secondary bid. So like people are bidding for the Olympics, but then you're bidding for which Mario you get.

Yeah, all like the perks that like... Oh, I got a fucking Yoshi again. I'll cheer for him, but I hate him. He might drown this year though. That would be cool. Wait, is it one Yoshi or all Yoshis? It's one Yoshi. Okay.

It's the Yoshi who is a Yoshi, but whose name is Yoshi. Okay, okay, okay. Mario's horse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just think I'd like to see all, like, what we do, you know? Like, Australia's like, come on, and we have, like, the PR press. Our Prime Minister trying to shake, like, Diddy Kong's hand. Diddy Kong's slapping it away. Diddy Kong bites him.

It's good! Is Diddy Kong in it? No, I'm not sure. Probably not, eh? Could be. Okay, so straight off the bat, you're like, okay, that's fine for the Nintendo characters, but I'm probably going to want Sonic. Yeah, fair, because he's-

Or Knuckles, or Tails, they are just more versatile, but they are basically fancy dogs. Yeah. What do you think about the villains being in here? Like if you got Bowser or Dr. Robotnik I think Dr. Robotnik's just a sort of weird looking guy Dr. Robotnik, he's just got like He's augmented, right? Because he's got a giant floating chair

No, in the Olympics he's as is So he's just head, wonderfully spherical body And very long legs. Potentially his body is egg-shaped. Yes, it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm guessing he'd be great at long jump. I don't know if he's good at any sport, to be honest.

But that's spherical body. He's got long arms and legs. That'll come in handy. Wrestling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, here's the thing Rob Bartnik has on a lot of the other characters, and I know this from playing the demo for the 2020 Tokyo Olympics ones, is he's much taller than them.

So if you do the karate one, he always karate chops them on top of their heads. But they've also been competing against real people, yeah? Yes. But he would probably still be taller than a regular guy. Yeah, he's like eight foot or something. He's just like karate chopping, just a regular Olympic level. Crack open their head like an egg.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. He'd just sweep his legs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He would fall. Well, okay. A couple of consequences. He'd break his legs.

Easy. One, I don't care about the regular Olympians anymore. That is true. Because I can see Sonic the Hedgehog. Well, this is the problem. But Michael Phelps, famous for ripping bongs and winning gold or whatever. Yeah. It's not slanted.

That's true. In that order. If he beats, like, Tails in swimming, you're like, hell yeah, dude. I care about this guy. No. If he beats Tails in swimming, I'm like, tails is a fox. He beats fucking knuckles at long jump.

Why are you picking spots? Why is Michael Phelps doing long jump? Yeah. I mean, I think. If he beats tails at flying with your tail, that would be incredible. Look at Michael Phelps go. He's twisted his legs around In a way that shouldn't happen

I didn't even know flying was an Olympic sport He's yelling This is the power of those bongs I've ripped bongs to do this School children Controversial remarks Ripping a bong mid-flight I see what you mean

If an Olympiad beat a character Who was naturally good at that thing Or even just medium good Say an Olympian beat Bowser at wrestling I'd be impressed Because usually we see guys die He's spiky He breathes fire.

Yeah, dude. He's fucking scary. Natural ability. Yeah. But also a bunch of this stuff will come into

like we're going to start seeing a lot of medals awarded to dead people again. But if Bowser uses his flame breath surely he's disqualified.

Well, that's what I mean. Yeah. So in the final he gets frustrated and breathes fire and kills the guy. They win, but they're dead. Which has happened before. There was a boxing match in, he gets frustrated and breathes fire. Yeah. They win, but they're dead.

And which has happened before. There was a boxing match in the Olympics. A guy breathes fire. Where someone gored the other guy. Wow. Yeah. Like used fingers in boxing. Yeah.

His guts fell out. He died, but he won. His guts fell out? Yeah. He like got gored. By a man's fingers? Yeah, he jammed his fingers in between his ribs.

What the fuck? Fingers can't, shouldn't, wait. How can? Shouldn't? No, I know, but they can. How paper thin was this man's skin? I think it was featherweight or something like that. So he would have been thin.

What the fuck? What the fuck? Anyway, so you can die and still win gold. Don't tell me a man can just finger another man to death. Don't tell me this. I don't know that my belly can be fingered to death. So fuck a blase. This is,

this is huge news. It's time you all grow up and just come to terms with the fact that you can gore another guy's guts. I don't know how to handle this. Finger the guts so hard that you... I don't want to handle that. It's good. Okay. So are you saying that we're going to get...

How many people do you think we're going to get disqualified and then dead on the other side of that in this Olympics? Just the people Bowser fights? Because surely if he does that, he'll get arrested. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the other person will still die. Yeah, yeah. But it's tricky, though, because like...

Can you really jail a lizard? Yeah, yeah. If you hit Bowser with enough tranquilizer darts, he'll go down like any big dinosaur. Well, yeah, but is he a guy? Or did you put him in a zoo? You pick him up by his tail and then you throw him. The same way that you beat him in a zoo. He talks like this. Wah, wah, wah, wah, but is he a guy or did you put him in a zoo? You pick him up by his tail and then you throw him. The same way that you beat him in a race.

He talks like this. Yeah, that's just a sound that a lizard could make. I don't know. I just feel like he's too much of an animal and I don't know if we want to start competing. If he can kidnap a princess and wear a suit. Yeah, but is that a thing that he's doing or is that just something that his species does?

What, puts on a white tuxedo and tries to marry a stolen princess? And the princess is like, I don't want to marry either of you. Yeah, it's a natural thing that they do. What, what, what, what, what. When he goes, what, what, what, what, what, there's text on the screen. Yeah, that's just weird. We're putting text there.

No, no, no, Mario speaks the screen. That's just weird. We're putting text there. Mario speaks the language. He writes a diary. Exactly. No, but as in like, you read his diary. It's just pure chance that the scribble that that lizard is making

makes sense. He can't get his head around the fact that Bowser is a gold medalist. I should have hit him with that time ago. I got fingered to death. That'll change anyone. Okay, well, DK though. He's not alive medalist. I should not have told him about that time ago. I got fingered to death. That'll change

anyone. Okay, well, DK, though. He's not alive. Well, DK's not alive. He's just a monkey for the die-on, right? Absolutely. So if DK, in a wrestling match, tears someone's face off, we put him down. Yeah.

Like, if we shot Harambebe because he nearly killed a kid. Presumably whilst. That would be a very tense wrestling match because everyone would be like, is he going for it? Do we shoot? When would you shoot Donkey Kong? If he was in a wrestling match with another guy. Does Donkey Kong know the rules? Because once again, he's just an ape.

I don't know if you'd put Donkey Kong in the Olympics. You can teach Donkey Kong to Mario Kart. I can teach a dog to park. I'm not going to enter a dog into a singing competition. So I don't necessarily think we should allow an ape. Well, I think it will be controversial, yes. Yes. Into the Olympics.

A lot of think pieces about whether or not we should have entered Donkey Kong into the Olympics, but I think it's happening and we just gotta either get behind it or protest against it. Yeah, I'm getting behind it. Yeah, me too. I mean, is he fighting for Australia? Well, yeah, let's say the Donkey Kong... Yeah, behind. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He picked Australia as his country. Then, yeah, we get behind him. He's got an agent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He picked Australia as his country. Then, yeah, we get behind him. He's got an agent. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, what do we think would be the, like, the world's opinion on this as a change of the, I imagine,

like I'm thinking, the Olympic athletes themselves probably wouldn't be super happy about it. I feel a lot, when you think about the Olympics, look, there are sports

that everyone knows and loves. And there are sports that only a few people care about. For sure. And there are other sports that most people don't give a shit about. And the big sports tend to be like the running and swimming. At least in this country. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And even then, just the swimming.

Yeah, yeah. That's what we're good at. So I feel because the biggest threat to this is Sonic. Yeah. Who runs faster than, I don't know, light? Running around at the speed of sound. He's got places to go. He's got to follow his rainbow. Yeah.

But if Sonic uses his Sonic speed... People are going to walk. We're not doing this. You'd have protests. The other runners would protest. That is where the competing in everything is allowed. As long as it's like, okay, so then he has to say it's the last thing he does. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a handicap there. Yeah. Well, I mean, the thing is with the Olympics is that the events are in a certain order. And if you reorganize it, it means that the running race is last for everyone. It's not like you have... Yeah. Yeah. Which means that everyone's still...

But he can do the running race first. I mean, he's going to win it anyway. If Sonic does the running race first, then there is no way anyone's competing against him. Yeah, but what do you mean? Yeah, but, okay, no, because what I'm saying is...

What are you saying? You're saying that you're giving Sonic a handicap by putting the running race last because he'll be tired, presumably, right? Yeah, yeah. But the same Olympians are competing in all the other stuff before they get to the running race last because he'll be tired, presumably, right? But the same Olympians are competing in all the other stuff before they get to the running race. Also, everyone is also competing?

All the characters are. So if we've got, say, Matt Shervington, is he also doing everything? I'm a sprinter, I'm doing this. Have they changed the Olympics that much? What are you saying? I'm saying that another character probably still

won't beat sonic but i'm talking characters no i'm talking to normal olympians yeah the normal but they're even tired sonic the hedgehog is faster than so what are we going to do nothing you just got to accept sonic the hedgehog's gonna win gold and then you're saying bolt actually isn't that impressive i just don't think people are going to care. Well, I think there's going to be complaints, absolutely. No, but what will happen

is that all of a sudden you'll be like, well, okay, Sonic will win, so silver, everyone's like, well, I wonder who's going to get silver. Silver is basically gold. Yeah.

Bronze is basically silver. And fourth is basically bad luck. I think you'd have a lot of the runners complaining. Yeah. A lot of the runners

being like, I can't, no matter how much I- If people are complaining a lot of the runners being like I can't no matter how much if people are complaining at this point you're like well you know the rules Sonic is getting his knees like just broken

at some point by someone he's getting eye-tonia'd yeah somebody eye-tonia'd Sonic someone's gonna eye-tonia Sonic Sonic comes out and he's like

somebody slashed my knee and they're like good everyone else like must have been an accident did you fall over Sonic? he could get he could get got in like the middle of a packed change room,

and everyone's going to be like, he fell down. Do you reckon you could figure out, if you didn't know the Sonic franchise super well, which one was Sonic? Do you reckon he's iconic enough? Or his tail's getting his knees stabbed? Yeah, because I don't know. I'd be like, that guy's got two bushy tails.

How fast is something with two tails? I'm just putting dog tranquilizer in everyone's morning juice. And I'm taking down all the Sonics. Hi, Joel Dush, your morning juice guy. I don't think we've ever had a morning juice. Have a juice. Orange dog tranquilizer flavored. There's only two juices.

And one says only for Sonic. And one says only for Tails. Yeah. Yeah, I'm on your side. That's a suspicious thing to say. Donkey Kong comes up, picks the tray up, pours all the juice in

and then cracks the tray over my head. Donkey Kong dies. He's the ghost from Bachelor. Dog tranquilizer in his system. But he's bigger than both Sonic and Tails, so he comes out after the wrestling match just a bit tranquilized. A bit loosey.

Sonic the Dead, I mean, Donkey Kong coming out onto the... Oh, he does not look good. Something seems wrong with Donkey Kong. He's swinging a punch. He's down. He's so down. And now a quick word from our sponsors.

We have stickers and t-shirts now. They're available at santspantsradio.com. May I suggest the get shot by a real astronaut in hot pink? It goes with literally every outfit. Once again, that's sanspantsradio.com. I think every other character in, I guess, Mario and Sonic doesn't necessarily pose as a huge threat. What about Mario, i.e. Super Mario,

in the high jump? He can double jump. Oh, yeah, Mario in. But he can jump up high. He's in vertically, right? But that tends to be like, I mean, there's the pole vault, which doesn't really matter

because we've got poles, but then high jump. High jump, also long jump because... Who cares about high jump? What? You can't! People care about... I'm was just i guess they will also complain i'm talking about the three of us right now who cares about high jump rules high jumps one of the best ones to watch okay so jill zamit swimming and track and field are usually seen as

like the most yeah i know but running compared to high jump no but running that they say track and field not running. What about like fucking hurdles? Mario fucking nailed them. Yeah. Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, that's a track and field. Oh, Sonic though. Oh, actually, Sonic might be going too fast. Yeah. Hits all the hurdles in one. Yeah, what happens there is he

just get penalized? No, if you run through the hurdles, there's no penalty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does it hurt him? Probably not. Yeah, I mean, hurdles hurt. Have you hit a hurdleized? No, if you run through the hurdles, there's no penalty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's fine. Yeah, yeah, he's fine. Does it hurt him?

Probably not. Yeah, I mean, hurdles hurt. Have you hit a hurdle before? It sucks. Yeah, especially going at what? Like a max 10 or whatever. Speed of sound. He ends up at the finish line, and when he stops, he just slides in hard because he's

bisected himself on all the hurdles. I like you. I was just thinking that of you poisoning Sonic and Sonic dying and you walking out of the stadium with rings on your arms. Yeah, nothing sauce. Yeah, I've got a guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just fashion.

Yeah, I guess Mario doing his double jump would suck for- Yeah, so triple jump, he's got that in the bag. High jump, he's got it in the bag. Long jump, he's got it. Sonic would win with long jump as well. Yeah, for sure. Oh, no, Tails. Tails can fly.

Tails can fly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But would you watching it, how would you feel? Because for me, I don't care about the integrity of the Olympics. No. Fuck the Olympics. To me, it wouldn't be impressive. It would be like a bird winning at some

point but yeah it flew are you telling me that if one day you're watching the olympics and you're like oh i can't wait for the triple jump and then a bird wins because it flew and you're like i don't care i'd be like i just saw the moment in time where the fucking olymp Olympics gave a gold medal to a bird flying over a sand. The bird on the podium with the gold medal just laying on the ground with the ribbon around where it's standing. Just pecking at it and looking around. I would be like, look,

collectively I think we've all lost our minds. I think I'd have to go to bed. I'd be like, wow, things have gone... Today's a ride off, I'm going to have to wake up tomorrow and hope that my brain's fixed. Like, look, things have gone downhill. I had to really come to terms with a talking flying fox, but not like a flying fox, just a fox who could fly with its tail. Winner of gold this year is Bert.

This Bert. Congratulations to Bert! I think that'd be like the first. Everyone cheers and gets scared and flies off. Oh my God, he's broken a world record. Wow. We love Bird. We love Bird.

What country was that Bird representing itself? Where's it from? That's, you know. Independence, right? That's a thing that you can do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a lovely. Wow. There's it from? That's, you know. Independence, right? That's the thing that you can do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a lovely thing. Wow, there's so many think pieces.

Nation of bird. So many think pieces about that bird. Where were you when bird changed the way the Olympics worked? It just feels like the person handing out medals was very drunk. Oh, there's bird. It's like they got the bird to land on the podium to begin with that's impressive

I think the first Olympics because again if I'm like wow who are these guys if I knew nothing about like any like

Sega or Nintendo I'd be like okay we're just getting these like fucked up little guys no one shits this is cool and then clearly be like okay this one can

fly okay he just flew yeah and then um so element of surprise gone so i think the second olympics when there's back again i'm like i don't care fucked olympics that's yeah fucked olympics hashtag fucked olympics fucked olympics it goes around they wrecked it sega and nintendo wrecked it what do we think about sega and and Nintendo having so much stake in the Olympics now I liked when they made video games but I guess this is probably maybe going back into the game development, but it is

famously the Olympics are an amateur competition I think it's cool that Sega and Nintendo made their little guys real yeah that's that's more like yeah i just didn't think about that and i'm just like oh shit they made their little guys real yeah do we get like a can can we get like a pac-man now yeah like where's where's solid snake can we get here namco's waiting they're like yeah we're gonna put our guys in

the olympics they're just guys yeah yeah the snake just uh the hurdles he just crouches down and like thwap thwap a few of them just fall yeah but it doesn't matter because the race is already over at that point he came last he came last but he killed some fuck i think this is the beginning of a brand new video games are out okay little guys in the olympics does this mean when I say go and play, I put in my copy of the 2020 Turkey Olympics, and then I'm like, I've got to select a character, and they're not there? Yeah, because they're in the Olympics. You turn on your Mario 64, and it's just opening,

quiet, Peaches Castle. There's maybe a little sign, sorry, Mario will return when the Olympic season is over. Oh, no! Oh, no! return when the Olympic season is over. Oh, no. Oh, no. Shit. Hello. But he knows.

It's me. Toad can explain it. Toad. Mario's decided to enter the 2020 Tokyo Olympics. He will be returning shortly. Hopefully, he's made Mushroom Kingdom slash Italy slash Japan proud. Toad, the year is 2022. And I just wanted to play it.

What do you mean? Mario, he's missing. Mario. Do we have to find Mario? Now you're playing Mario 64 as Todd. I can't jump. Do I have to find him and put him back into a video game? I'm going to be honest with you, Toad, I don't know how to do that.

That's a job for the police! I think the police have got other things on me. Super Mario 64 aka Toad calls the police simulator. Hello! Police! Mario's missing! Oh no! But he's going to call him in real life because Mario went missing in real life.

Yeah. He might just be like, How? And then Goomba's dressed like Cobb's answer. And then he's like, How do you get in a fucking around police? Call the real police. We don't know where he's gone.

But I assume the Olympic Committee would be taking care of that if Mario was missing. And again, if Mario came into real world or if any of the characters, how much, like, sure, they might compete, but now they have the, I guess, the experience of real life to enjoy. Like, you give, say, Mario a spaghetti dinner.

Yeah. Is he going to be like, oh. Mario's going to try and eat a spaghetti dinner the way, like, most video game characters eat power-ups and just walk into it. We give you, like, Mario, you dumb motherfucker. You stupid fuck. Put it in your mouth. Let's go. Also, like, Mario, you dumb motherfucker. You stupid fuck. Put it in your mouth. Let's go!

Also, Mario is pretty risky with his lives. And in real life, he's only got one. Mario fell off a bridge. And he'd be like, I'm coming back. He ain't coming back. Mario, don't balance under the bridge. You've only got one alive.

Nonsense, Luigi. Mario! So I think a lot of these video game characters may just die pretty quickly. It's dangerous to put them in real. Robotnik is going to get hit by a car. Sonic. Sonic will get hit by a car. Sonic. Sonic is going to get hit by a car. Mario.

I feel like Sonic might drown. Yeah, okay. He'd love to drown in the video game. I feel like Sonic will sink in deep mud. Donkey Kong shot by poachers. Somebody's got a Donkey Kong rug. Tails shot by me. Yeah, well, which ones?

I had a board. I had to use it. Yeah, of course. You're in the Olympics as well doing the rifle thing, but you just turn it on its tail. Bang. Take me to jail. I did what I had to.

If you leave me out, I'm going to make a little hut with two tails on it. Bowser. He might be okay. Maybe also gone by poachers. I mean, like, you know. Bullets would bounce off. Or not bounce off.

Some of these characters, yeah, probably in real, will just have to get day jobs and, you know, live regular lives. Pigeon days would be fine. They'll just go work in a cafe or some shit. Weren't you in the Olympics? Yeah. It's an amateur competition. Can I have a flat white?

Thanks. Yeah. Of course. There's a tip jar. Fair enough. Yeah. Well, maybe some of these characters would go back to game because real is too scary. Crawl back in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the reverse the ring. Yeah, reverse Samara, yeah. Crawl backwards. Yeah. Do we think other video game companies would try to get in on the Olympics craze? Yeah, for sure Yeah

All street fighter characters Entering Olympics Alright Yeah, it's interesting Because everyone would be I see Blank do the high jump Wouldn't do much I know

But he gets scared Maybe go feral Tack the crab Zangief doing the high jump though Because he does the big spinning Yeah, yeah, yeah That's true Zangief doing the high jump, though, because he does the big spinning. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's true. Zangief and Blanka doing our wrestling.

Yeah. That's good. I'll tell you what. If you want to see that, though, you should check out this game, Street Fighter 2. I know, but we could see it in real life after we've already pasted a bunch of Olympians. Do we think the Olympians would go into game if game were in real life now? I reckon. They might try it out.

So, yeah, we could be like- Matt Shervington, 64. Ooh. Just a guy They might try it out. Matt Shervington, 64. Just a guy walking around Peaches Castle slowly. Get in the painting. Okay, just kind of clambering in. One leg over, stepping in.

Okay. Wait, how does that go? You know, the... Keep going. Keep going. No, no, no, the, the. Keep going. Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma. Keep going. Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma.

No, no, no, no. Not that part. Yeah, but like you've just started a new game. I know it, but I want to hear yours. Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa. That's close. I think it's like, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyway. Yeah, so maybe some Olympians would go into game. Yeah, I reckon. Or would several Olympians go into one game? So we could character select. We could go Shervington. Yeah. Matt Shervington, 64.

Michael Phelps, auto three. Come on. More Olympians. What have we got? Kathy Freeman Battle Adventure 2. Kathy Freeman. I'm out. Ian Thorpe Country.

Ian Thorpe with Diddy Kong on his back making his way through Donkey Kong Country. Yeah. And then we could do like, you know, and if we have Ian Thorpe as our Mario, because then we could have Ian Cart. Yeah. And then we could do like, you know, and if we have Ian Thorpe as our Mario, because then we could have Ian Kart. Yeah, that's a lot of fun. Ian Party.

He's got his friends, which is just the- Ian Tennis. It's just the 4x4, 400 meter relay team. So Michael Kilm, Klim. Yeah, that's some fun characters to pick. The other guy that's very famous. Something Grant. Not Hugh.

Yeah, it's not Al Bile. Grant Hackett. Grant Hackett. There you go. Grant Hackett is a great video game name. Really? It sounds like a fun game. Yeah.

Grant Cart, that could be good. Grant Hackett, Michael Kilm, Ian Thorpe, and... Come on, guys. This is for that other half of the audience. Come on, guys. This is for that other half of the audience. This is for that Olympic fan demographic that we have. Do we think eventually the Olympics would sort of lose their luster?

If we could now start playing some, I think also the Olympians might be like, well, I get more money if I am in game. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think maybe we might just see like an influx of people just going into game. Plus, if an Olympian can do that, maybe we go in. I don't know. Joke hard. That could be kind of fun.

Yes! We go in game. Yeah. Jackson, Bailey, Grand Theft Auto. You're good. Ashley Kellis, Chris Feidler. Yeah. I saw you. Grant Hackett wasn't one of them

nice try he's also a swimmer he just wasn't in that relay team so that photo of the four boys being like we won Grant Hackett wasn't do we think there would be a mass exodus into game?

I reckon then game becomes real yeah whoa i feel like that i would be too brave and i'd go into a game and they'll be like oh no why did i why am i playing jollo it's halo but named after me joel solvania or whatever just hits you with a whip and you die yeah because if we go like say go and and say Jolselvacia or like... Jolselvacia. Jolsenstein 3D.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We go in, but then they come out. Now we've got a lot of vampires and Nazis and maybe vampire Nazis at one point. And then you get real. Doomguy would be great in the Olympics. Yeah. Well, it'd be great in the Olympics. Yeah. Well, I think we've maybe... It'd be scary in the Olympics.

I think we've maybe made a hellscape. Well, you've made an interesting world where now the game characters are doing the Olympics for other game characters. If real life was video game, a video game was real life. It's really a tricky question, isn't it? Oh, yeah. We're all tricky question is just like one TV and everyone's like three of us were sitting on the CRT and I was like I hate that Olympics are games now do you want to be game I'm like yeah let's go into game let's go into game X 3d enter the game. Gex 3D, enter the gecko, but it's plumbing.

This reminds me of that time that I was in a podcast. The fact that he looked over your shoulder made me think you were looking for the fly again. That fucking fly. No, I feel safe. Look. He's not coming back. I probably killed the fly. Leisure suit Jackson. Yeah, leisure the plot. Leisure suit Jackson.

Yeah, leisure suit Jackson. Leisure suit Jackson. I think Nintendo would preempt this and they'd have to round up all the Olympics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He would be. He'd drown in the 100 meter freestyle. Yeah. And then do you think that in 100, 200 years, game would be like, what if real was in game?

Yeah, what if we. What if real was in game? And then we'd come out of game and do the Olympics. Boy, what year is this this maybe like do the hurdles what year is it through the hurdles oh okay what and then we yeah then we'd have to do the olympics yeah we're at the 30 20 tokyo olympic games does that mean that like life like human us life real real would kind of stagnate, but also game would stagnate? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or would we come out and they would be like... Unless there is a game man who can make games, and if he came to real, would he keep making better game? Roblox is about making video games. Okay. So if you get him into real, he could make game? If you have video games that are about making video games, then yeah, if you swapped into real. So if Roblox was real, then you could still make games.

But would there be need for game? Because if they're video game characters, I don't know if they're going to unwind and want to play a game. Wario makes video games. Yeah, he does. So a warrior makes video games yeah he does so there's bad why if we're in game does that mean that the the the video game characters are controlling us yeah when they play a game yeah they're playing so we we're just like let's go into game oh oh no i'm still until someone touches the controller someone please, please play this game. It's sort of a living hell. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, no, it's Frogger. Oh, no. I'm going to be hit by a car every day for the rest of my life. So much. Maybe the video game characters might use this to punish us. What did we do? Well, you know, we killed them. Oh, fair.

They're going to be like, well, now I get to like, you know. Eye for an eye, motherfucker. Mario makes you walk into a hole again and again and again and again and again. We've all done that. Like, we're pissed off at ourselves slash Mario for fucking up a jump. Yeah. Well, the next one he's dying because that was more of a punishment death. Yeah.

Oh, you love hole Mario? Yeah. Go in, idiot. Have all the hole in the world. I feel he might do the same to us. Yeah. I hope Duke Nukem's nice to me. I think he will be.

All right. Hail to the king, but you're the king. Yes, Duke. Let's go to that titty bar. Yeah, you and Duke are having a nice life together. That's good. But then you're right. In like 40 years,

gamers wouldn't be interested if Real was in-game and did Game Olympics, and then we come out and we do a swap again. And that becomes the new cycle. Yeah. Every 40 years or so. And someone eventually bans video games because this needs to stop.

Yeah. I guess we've laid it out pretty clearly. Yeah, I think so. That all makes a lot of sense. I think it really... If Mario and Sonic were in the Olympic Games, then all of a sudden, it would result in a vicious cycle of video games being real

and real being video games. And if we want to avoid that, cancel the franchise. Cancel the 2020 Olympics. The Olympics or the- Both. Fuck the Olympics. Fuck the Olympics!

Fuck the Olympics! Hashtag fuck the Olympics. I'm not not. I've been, Joel. I've been, I'm not. I've been, Joel. I've been, Jackson. And I've also been, Joel. And that fly is not back, so should be on time next week. Or in the clear.

Yeah, thank God bless. Hello, everyone. I'm Ben Elwood, and I love David Attenborough. I was absolutely inspired by David as a kid. I'm definitely not alone in this. The world of science is full of Attenborough groupies. I've got a confession about David Attenborough documentaries. Every week I'll be sitting with a science expert

while we watch an episode of Life on Earth. Scientists want to talk about stuff. We are damaged. You do sound like comedians. We'll be talking about what we're seeing on the screen. Science have basically talked other organisms into being flying genitals for them. Their experience in the field.

I've seen a male cane toad on a rotten mango. Now I'll just go for it. And whatever other topics spin out of our conversations. Do you know I got attacked by an octopus one time? You don't want to start going away from comedy and into depressing. No, no, that's my wheelhouse. Thank God for David Attenborough with Ben Elwood. Now available on SensePants Radio.