Plumbing the Death Star - What Would Happen If You Got 2006ths Stranger Than Fiction'd?

Episode Date: August 14, 2022

You download this sloppy podcast, press play and listen to these sloppy idiots as they slop themselves off while slopping their sloppy lips together, making sloppy jokes as they live their sloppier than fiction life. You start to wonder if these sloppy voices are even saying anything except 'slop, slop, slop.' Little did you know at about the 15 minute mark you'd hit stop to question what you've done with your sloppy life. Slop yourself a subscription to the Bad Brain Boys on Apple Podcasts at apple.co/plumbingthedeathstar Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. Ahem. You're listening to the Sandspans Network. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. And today we're asking the important questions like, what would happen if you got 2006's Stranger Than Fiction? So one day we wake up, someone narrates our life,

and they utter the beautiful words, little did he know that this will start as a long-running sequence, a chain of events that will lead to their untimely death. I? What? Start my day. And then the sloppy piece of shit slopped out of bed and slopped onto the floor. Joel M. Dusha slopped out of his bed covers.

Yeah. Slopped into the bathroom for a sloppy piss where he considered maybe having a sloppy toss. He burped and farted and shit and cum. Before slopping into the bathroom and having a shower that left him no more clean than when he slopped out of bed. Just Emma Thompson's editor reading this. You've really got on a sloppy tangent. There's more adjectives out there you can say.

Sometimes you don't actually have to use them. You can just say what's good. You're sloppy. You're really. Slop freak Joel sloppy boy douche. As he slops open the shower door and slops on his clean-ish underwear. Little did he know that this would slop off a chain of sloppy events that would end with him slopping off no more.

He slopped off the face of the earth. Today would be the day where he slopped into the grave. What? Also, fuck you. It's an intense thing to realize. And also after you've been insulted all morning. He slops down into the kitchen and makes himself an absolute shithouse breakfast, which he slops directly into his throat.

Wishing then once again that if only he'd paid attention in any kind of class that we could cook. Oh, what the fuck? I made toast. Toast's not sloppy. There's nothing wrong with having toast. Shoving the too dry

toast into his open gob hole. He then picks himself up and swaps him over to the kettle where he drinks some sloppy coffee. Barely chewing, Joel Dusha has convinced himself that the swill that he makes for breakfast is drinkable. It's just a coffee. It's instant coffee.

There's nothing wrong with it. Fuck you, Joel Dusha. Hating his life. He sloppily goes dragging his feet. I'm not unhappy. Dragging his feet like he doesn't want to leave. Slops into his piece of shit car and drives in brackets shittily to work. You would come in so demure and upset. I've had a really bad morning.

Do you guys think I'm sloppy? Do you guys think my car's a piece of shit? Do you think toast is a sloppy breakfast? What's your opinion of instant coffee? I know you guys drink like, you know, You like nice coffee, but I also drink nice coffee sometimes. But is instant coffee that bad?

I don't know, dude. Thinking about it now, maybe sloppy's right. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I'd describe instant coffee as sloppy. Yeah, I was actually thinking about it now. Most things about your whole sort of way are sloppy. Yeah. I'm going to do some thinking, although I'm not in control.

I'm going to do some thinking. Confir'm not in control. I gotta do some thinking. Confirming that he is living a sloppy lifestyle, Joel Dusha sloppily tried to rub two synapses together in his dog diarrhea brain. Hopefully trying to conjure up some kind of thought, but all he could consider was his slop-filled existence. Hey, dude, why are you crying right now? Are you all right?

Tears slopped from his eyes. Well, an important question that Will Ferrell asks in Stranger Than Fiction, he goes to see Dustin Hoffman, and he says, Hey, Dustin Hoffman, what do I do? And Dustin Hoffman says, You're going to figure out if you're in a tragedy or a comedy. Yeah. Is your life.

Well, I think based on this introduction, it's a tragedy. But I'm off! Yeah, yeah, yeah. It could end like Junkie where it's like, and he slopped off the earth and into a grave and everyone forgot his name and no one cared about him. Is this kind of like the confederacy of dancers? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're having a laugh a minute, you know?

Yeah, yeah. It's funny that he's sloppy. Yeah, he's pretty good. There's no way she could keep describing him as sloppy, right? Joel Duscha lived a sloppy life, died rather sloppily, and it won't be remembered unless it was to remember who was the most sloppy. Then it would be him. Who was the sloppily and it won't be remembered unless it was to remember who was the most sloppy.

Then it would be him. Who was the sloppiest man? And then the thought of his name was just slopped out of everyone's brain. Emma, I mean, the upside is maybe you beat a world record. The downside is this is the worst book I've ever read. Ah. No. The idea of showing something to a publisher And they're like well good news bad news Good news you've broken a world record

Bad news The worst book I've ever written Read Yeah well how do you reckon you'd respond? Well, I guess I would... The first thing you've got to do, regardless of what the narration's saying, is I guess figure out if it's accurate.

And if it is accurate, if it's happening before you're registering the thing that it's describing or after. Because you've got to figure out, as Zamit might say, whether daddy's got to go home because he's lost his mind. Yeah. Is it a situation where it's describing or after. Because you've got to figure out, as Zabit might say, whether daddy's got to go home. Because he's lost his mind. Is it a situation where it's like

Josabit woke up and you're like, daddy's got to go home. Entering the studio doors, he sees his good friends and realizes they've got to once again sit down for an extra hour or two to shit out some sort of reference to pop culture,

knowing that he's very tired of talking about Wolverine, but here we are. Hey, boys, Daddy's got to go lie down, actually. That's so funny. Out of nowhere, like you just come stand in the sort of office space, say nothing. Daddy's got to go lie down. We're like, did he just refer to himself as Daddy?

I guess it makes sense. I guess he does need to go lie down. I guess Daddy does need to go lie down I'm like did he did he just refer to himself as daddy I guess it makes sense I guess he does need to go lie down I guess daddy does need to go lie down that's fair I would be yeah I would be thinking maybe God was talking to me or if it is before

the events are happening then I just have to accept that I believe it yeah because like there's no other real like

if it's like on his drive to work he's cut off in traffic. And then, like, a moment later someone cuts me off. I'm like, okay, well, I can't be imagining that. Because precog also doesn't exist. So there's no point trying to. It's got to be some omniscient observer of your life. Well, it is like, it's narrating your existence.

And it is, it does reference certain things that haven't happened yet. So it's like, you know, you start your day unknowingly about to start the chain of events that will lead to your time with death. Because the death thing is, like, big. But also, that's the kind of thing where you're like,

well, there's no evidence to suggest that that's true. And it does give you a bit of introspection as well. So, like, as you're brushing your teeth, it's like, Joel Dushu is brushing his teeth 48 times or whatever the fuck it was. Oh yeah, that's right. It's like, oh, Will Ferrell brushed his teeth 48 times to the second, then you're like,

oh, I guess. And the thing is, some people out there might narrate their own life, or they have that kind of internal monologue, like, I have an internal monologue that kind of happens with what I have. But this one is not your voice. It's Emma Thompson's voice.

It's Emma Thompson. It's Emma Thompson for Will Ferrell. Maybe we have different guys. Well, see, it's the author, basically, of whoever is writing our sloppy book. Y'all do your slop hard. I like to think mine's like, Jackson Bailey woke up still unaware of the flash-eating virus slowly taking over his body.

Well, if it was Emma, I think it's Karen, yeah? Yeah, yeah. Something like that. Karen Eiffel. So if we are experiencing the 2006 classic, Strangers in Fiction, so it would be... Emma Thompson. Emma Thompson, yes. That's true, yeah, yeah.

And we are, yeah, so initially, like, well, if we are like, okay, we're hearing this voice, they're describing my life, and they have said that, oh, no, like... You're going to die. Yeah, yes. That's true, yeah. And we, yeah, so initially, like, well, if we are like, okay, we're hearing this voice, they're describing my life, and they have said that, oh no, like. So, you're going to die. Yeah, yeah. What do we do? Yeah, yeah. I don't know if I would reach out to a lecturer. Yeah, I don't think that's what I would.

I would reach out to a hospital. Daddy's got to go home. Oh, yeah, daddy's got to go home. Can you just get a quick scan of the old noggin, make sure there's no brain tumors? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think maybe. Or catastrophic damage tumors? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, maybe. Or catastrophic damage of some variety. Yeah.

Potentially a railroad spike that I haven't realized was shot through my frontal lobe. Just want to double check I've not been in a car crash. Yeah. And forgotten. Yeah. I have a somewhat British voice telling me what to do. Do we remember how- Is that British?

I say to the doctor, they say, oh, daddy's got to go home. Daddy's diagnosis, daddy's got to go home. Do we remember how Will Ferrell finds out that Emma Thompson is writing his life? Yeah,

so when he goes to see Dustin Hoffman, he sees something on the TV being played, like an interview, with Emma Thompson's character. Okay. And they talk about the little did he know bit. And that's when, although I think he just references the voice. He's that voice i know that voice that's the voice that's

the voice talking oh you're a character in one of these and then it's the whole like little did he know aspect yeah it's like well unfortunately you are in a tragedy yeah yeah you are going to die you're gonna die yeah that's right well is it happening to all three of us at once? Is this a story about plumbing the death stall? Like three protagonists? Yeah. So what would we get? As Joel Zammett woke up, I'd have a pause. Yeah, yeah.

And then Doosh and Joel Dusha, you'd hear a pause. And then you'd be like, and Jackson Bailey. What? Get up. And, well, Jackson Bailey wasn't up yet. Yeah, yeah. So would we all be here? So, for example, as soon as they reference us, we'd hear it.

But no, because would it be like if I wake up out of bed, like on a lazy Sunday morning, Joel Zammett awakens at, like, you know, say it's 6 a.m. On a lazy Sunday, Joel Zammett wakes up at 6 a.m. Meds sucks sometimes. Jackson Bailey wakes up at 11, and Joel Dusha returns home. Yeah. While Joel Dusha pulls into the driveway after having one of his famous nights out.

Quiet night out, couple of drinks. And Jackson Bailey sound asleep. So I'm assuming me and Dusha are getting that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's in your dream? I guess I miss it. I'm sleeping through. And then when you do wake up.

I wake up too. Finally, Jackson woke up. Yeah. Finally. And then we'd be like, wait, what? I guess Jack's awake. Check messages. He's like, hey, boys.

You got my Thompson yarn in you? Is that my Thompson talking in your brain right now? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think that would be easier to, I guess, understand. Well, yeah, if it's happening to multiple, you're just like, well, something fucked up's happening. I guess God's coming back or something. Yeah, the moment it's like, you know, as you wake up and Joel Dusha is coming home and Jackson lies sweetly in his bed, I'll be like, all right, boys, we need to, okay.

You know, Jackson's phone rings. A frantic Joel's hammered on the other line. You don't call me anymore. What's this about? Send me a text. Yeah, send me a text and I'll hang up. The phone rings insistently yet again. Jackson's wet hands.

Jackson's wet from the shower. In brackets, he fell asleep in the shower. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, then I guess we would presumably come together and be like, what the fuck is going on? Can we recognize it? You reckon you could recognize Emma Thompson's voice? Yes.

Do you reckon you could recognize an author's voice? Yeah. No. No. I don't know how any author speaks except Terry Pratchett, who doesn't sound how you expect him to. And rest in peace. And rest in peace.

If Terry Pratchett's our author, we're in trouble because we're going to have to, well, yeah, when we die, we'll talk to him. Yeah, a ghost's writing.

Yeah. That's what that means. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if I'd ever recognize a single author's voice. Well, nowadays, it's very easy

because you simply just go on YouTube and look up like authors, like interview of, but then there's a lot of authors. There's a lot of people writing books. Heaps of authors. So where would you even start?

Yeah. It's funny to imagine if we hear this. The narrator's mean. Anne Rand. Also dead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's funny if they're like that. Objectivism or whatever they've got her in the end.

Am I an Ubermensch? Is that what I am? Is Nietzsche writing my book? Is this what's going on? Nietzsche writing my book? Is this what's going on? Well, if we've... My fanboy? Because they're like, little did they know. What does E.L. James sound like?

I don't know. Am I in Fifty Shades of Grey? Boys, we spiked on each other? Are we in Fifty Shades of Grey, but as not the people that are fucking? Does that mean that someone in the city is fucking, but yet they're talking about us for a chapter? But then we're going to die. Are we about to witness something fucked up? That would be awesome.

Why would they be talking to us like they gave us our name, so we're getting spanked. The plumbing boys systematically spanked one another for a full hour to no effect. Now we find out. As the clock just clicks over to no effect. Now we find out! As the clock just clicks over to midday. My hands

are sore. Somebody comes in. What are you doing? We're trying to figure out if we're in Fifty Shades of Grey. How will... And? So we spank each other. How will that show you? Well, they spank each other in Fifty Shades of Grey. Right? Yeah, but... I don't know what you

i don't understand the question i actually never read the book barely paid attention to the film so but when it's like little did they know that they were kicking off a chain of consequences that would lead to their death yeah because we could never find the author will we just wait to see what happened well i guess we'd probably have to be in a situation, because in Stranger Than Fiction, Will Ferrell's destiny is to be hit by a boss. Yeah, to save a little kid.

Saving a little boy's life. So he just fixes it by letting the little boy get hit by the boss. He's like, phew, better him than me, because I learned how to live my life to the fullest. Well, that was just a stupid kid on a bike. Well, doesn't his watch die? Yeah, his watch goes like a minute faster or something.

A minute faster than he's at the bus stop a little bit earlier so that he can save. The watch saves his life. But then she writes it so that the watch goes into his heart and saves his life. Yeah, okay. Good stuff. Are you falling in love with Maggie Gyllenhaal? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are we falling in love? Jake Gyllenhaal? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Are we falling in love? Jake Gyllenhaal's going to be pissed. Why? It's his sister. Don't fall in love with my sister. Don't talk to my sister, bro. Back off. Step off. How old are you, Jake?

Are you in high school? Bro, don't even fucking think about my sister, bro. Well, I'm going to. I'll bash you. Did you not enjoy her appearance in The Secretary where she gets spanked? I didn't. That's actually fucked up to ask me, Jake Gyllenhaal. Because I didn't like it.

And I referred to myself in third person. Jake Gyllenhaal didn't like that at all, bro. The only thing I like is the 2002, maybe 2003 film, Donnie Darko, in which I star. What about Nightcrawler? That was pretty good initially I heard about it I thought we were doing an X-Man thing

but we weren't doing an X-Man thing sorry bro good film though I'm glad you liked it didn't like the the next thing you did with the director though

that was not good I don't know yeah the painting or some shit fuck it yeah the horror thing did you like that movie

where I was the a big spider or some shit Enemy great film But it's too big though It was fucking scary Anyway I'm going to try and make That movie where I'm answering in 9-11 What you say about Maggie

Anyway We're in love now Fraught with problems Jake it's a film. You do know this? No. What? So, yes.

How does it work, though? So, like. Yeah, great question. How does it work, though? Is Emma Thompson. Yeah. Is she. In control of our lives?

Yeah. Or is it a coincidence? Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she.

Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she. Is she. a coincidence? Is she in control of our lives? Yeah. Or like how much free will do we have? Well, we have a level of free will because like, so Will Ferrell reads the transcript. Yeah. The first draft, as it were, where on a bus, he just sits on the bus and reads it the whole time. Yeah, that's right. He goes to her and he's like, well, uh on a bus just like it like sits on the

bus and reads it yeah that's right goes to her and he's like well no you have to finish it like this yeah you you need to do this so she has she's already kind of either written notes or a transcript it's only when she starts maybe writing it for realsies yeah on a different type that it starts that then starts becoming like um more real that's a way to sort of hearing could and while we go and speak to emma thompson yeah like that part isn't necessarily in the transcript or in the yeah because there are moments where it's not it's it's something he's i'm wondering if i could like sort of misery emma thompson and get her to write me a really good life i mean you don't have to

like it's kind of like kidnapping God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So with, um,

all right, so she has, hang on, guns for hands and dicks for feet. So like, is that your, that's your life.

Yeah. So like in misery, um, uh, she kidnaps the author and just's like, write me a story. Whereas in Stranger Than Fiction, Emma Thompson has huge amounts of empathy. The reason that she ends up rewriting so she doesn't kill Will Ferrell is because she doesn't want to kill this man. But I don't think she's going to write a story where I have guns for hands and dicks for feet.

Where are the balls? Are you standing on them? Because again, it's hot. Why didn't you get her to write it the other way around? I'm going to walk on guns. Come on, speak. Well, yeah, walking on guns seems easy. How can you walk on guns?

Walking on a dick and balls is way easier. Maybe if the guns are like- Flat? Yeah, like the top of the gun is the bottom and the handle of the gun is joined to my shinbone. Are we talking about like

Planet Terra? No, like so imagine my shoe is like a handgun. Yeah, but if it's a handgun, just have that Okay, it's a handgun. Pretend it's the same way you'd see a handgun on a desk. Oh, I see what you mean. Yeah, that could work. Works better than walking on dick and balls.

Dicks are soft, except for when they're hard. But because you're standing on them, probably going to remain soft. Yeah, probably going to remain pretty flat. Scuffed up if you walk on a gravel. Got to constantly have them in socks. For decency As well as comfort Wow your feet are pretty fucked up

Oh my god That's the eye of a penis Yeah my feet are dicks And then I put up my hands like They're guns And then you give me all your money You're robbing them You'd be falling over all the time

There's not much support The moment Emma Thompson writes that into reality She can just flee You're robbing them. You'd be falling over all the time. There's not much support. Oh, yeah. How are you going to stand? Well, the moment Albert Thompson writes that into reality, she can just flee because I feel like I can chase after her. That was your dream. If you fall over, how are you going to stand up? I'll just shoot myself up. Fair enough.

No further questions. Good. Glad to hear. Well, yeah, unlike in Misery, where it's not at all what is currently happening. Well, I was just thinking, like, that's an example where somebody kidnapped someone and we get them to write a story. You could request, perhaps, and maybe speak to Emma Thompson. Yeah.

And be like, how can we well look better in my life? Yeah. I got some pretty big ideas. Yeah. Well, like, that's it. You know, maybe not guns fans and dicks for feet, but like. So you kidnap her? Yeah.

So she, okay. Then. I'm like, eh. Well, so you got to get, first off, you got to get past Queen Latifah and Emma Thompson to kidnap Emma Thompson. Okay. I just have the shit beat out of me by Queen Latifah. Physically. You as you are, and also being written by

Emma Thompson if we're like and Jackson sloppily oh yeah that's a good point because if Emma Thompson's writing you the moment I come in

she's like Jackson changed his mind yeah that's a thing as well like you know he picks up the phone and he calls and it rings

and then her phone rings and then she stops and then it's like and then it rings again And then it rings again. And then it rings again. So there is some form of... Jackson fell over. He fell over again.

In fact, he found that he could not stop falling over. Flopping around the steps of a building. She's fucking me up, boys! She's fucking me up, boys! She's fucking me up! Flopping around. Once he got to the top of my staircase, I mean, delete, delete, delete, the first staircase,

he fell all the way back down again. All the way back down. Hitting every stair on the way. She's fucking slapstick-ing me. You want to have a civil conversation. You want to have a civil conversation? You want to have a civil conversation now? No.

She'll just keep doing it. Jackson tries to run up the stairs and slips. Hitting every stair on the way. Cracking his two front teeth on the banister. Jackson did this for the next let's say, hour.

You want to give up on this, Jackson? I've gone for like an hour now. Evan Thompson just standing at the top of the stairs in a beautiful cardigan. He was going to misery me. That's fair enough. He's getting pretty bruised and fucked up. But even if you do, because if you misery her, you're like, right, my life good.

And she's like, okay. Jackson realized the error of his ways and let the author go. She's like, okay. Jackson fell over. Smacking his head on the ottoman on his way down. Jackson got up again. Please.

The thought of misering the author never once crossed his mind. It was as though Jackson had two banana peels permanently on the soles of his shoes. Hammer thumps and I'm sorry. Through tears, Jackson slowly put himself up

and this time he fell over once more. Hammer. Are you writing a comedy or a tragedy? What do you think, idiots? A tragedy. It's about the world's most loathsome man. Comedy? Is it funny?

It doesn't feel funny. Wow, if you were reading about a man falling over for an hour, constantly slipping at the whims of an author seeking revenge, that is pretty funny. What's it called if it, like, because you've threatened her. Yeah. But then she's doing, I guess, protection. Yeah, sort of self-defense. Self-defense rather than revenge.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay, well, all right. Well, never mind that then. So your misery plan doesn't quite work. Yeah, because she's the god in charge of my world. Yeah. Basically, yeah. Yeah, okay, well, all right. Well, never mind that then. So your misery plan doesn't quite work. Yeah, because she's like the god in charge of my world. Yeah. Basically, yeah. Yeah, okay, well.

Do you miss the episodes where we'd ask the important questions like, hey, what do you think is going to happen in upcoming film? And the companion episodes where we ask the important questions like, hey, what do you think about that film we just saw? Well, do I have some great news? We went and made a whole show that is just that, baseless speculation, where we baselessly speculate in upcoming films, TV shows, games, and more

with as little research as possible so you don't have to. Just search for baseless speculation on iTunes, Spotify, or wherever else you get your podcasts from, and join myself and these two knuckle fucks That's my immediate thought Less speculation. Available on iTunes, Spotify, or wherever else you dickheads get a podcast from. That's my immediate thought upon discovering that there's an omnipotent, omniscient person. So your idea doesn't work. I've got an idea, though. Okay. So Emma Thompson's whole thing,

and the reason she doesn't change the ending, is because she hasn't had a hit book in ages. Oh, okay. No, she kind of hasn't released anything in ages. So she released some really good books, and they all sort of tend to end the same, that the protagonist dies at the end. But she's in a bit of a creative slump.

She's in a bit of a creative slump, and she hasn't released anything for almost a decade, if not more. And Dustin Hoffman, she's one of the greatest authors of our generation, or something along those lines, where she makes incredible, incredible incredible books but she hasn't written anything for a long time because she has

writer's block. Now that she's writing about the death of us due to a watch, then she's slowly understanding what she's... The creative juices are flowing. She doesn't quite know how to kill us yet. Yeah, that's right.

That's our saving grace, though. Is it possible to live such a boring life for a couple of days that she stops writing the book about you? Oh, okay, so you become a massively uninteresting protagonist. That's kind of what Will Ferrell tries to do, where he tries to, like, nothing will happen. He's not going to leave the room. He's not going to do anything like that.

And then a wrecking ball comes and just slams through his whole front of the house. But is that because he was... Because that's being inert and doing nothing. Dusha just needs to do the same thing. Something fucked and unexpected will happen. If you don't instigate

drama, drama will come to you. You are currently in a novel. What if I become too interesting to kill? Go the opposite way. Start solving a mystery. Become the new Harry Potter. You don't kill Harry Potter in book one. What if you become like a franchise?

You gotta keep setting up. You gotta keep laying threads to pick up later. Wow, I can't wait to do this next year. It's like you book a trip for something and you're like, and set the date for next year. Oh, no way, that could be. No, because then it's like, oh, it's so tragic.

Yeah. He had so much planned and he didn't get to do it because he died. He was either fixing his life up or solving some sort of like. Yeah, but I reckon if I do enough stuff, I'll be like, hmm, all right, I'm going to book this crazy trip for 12 months from now. I want to plot the murder of a close friend for five years from now. Are you plotting? I'm glad I killed this maniac who wanted to kill his friend.

Five years. Will betray me and the murder will be just. Will betray you? Will? I'm just clearly trying to be like, oh, am I getting away with this? Am I getting away with this? Are they in 10 years going to marry the queen?

Yeah, I'm writing a 20-year plan. Hoping that makes you interesting enough. Imagine opening Harry Potter or whatever and he just writes down the things he wants to do. I'm going to go Voldemort. John Dusha picking up a pen and paper, writes down these fanciful notions of his future dreams. Some of them not even in reality.

Put down his pen and paper, realizing that he has no way of achieving any of these. Gets up and goes and catches the bus. Sloppily to the bus. Sloppily gets to his bus. So once again, go to work dealing with the 9th of 5 of podcasting. What about this? Yeah? Get hit by the bus early.

Yeah, you can't kill someone with a bus if they've just been hit by a bus. That's terrible. In fiction, it's like, oh, the chief doesn't know she's going to kill you with a bus. And in fact, you getting hit by a bus might be the thing that she's like, that's a good way to kill him. All right, then I make sure I have a near-death experience. Yeah. Because having a near-death experience and then dying,

it's not very creative. So crash my car? Yeah, you get in your car and just drive at a wall. But in such a way that it doesn't kill you, hopefully. No, you can go around this. Again, if you look at, say, so the pref oh and meanie uh yeah so the whole point there is the kid there has like basically a vision of like these like certain things like yeah of like uh what's gonna happen and then at the end it's like realizing his visions or his death it's like how he yeah yeah

die so you can then use that as part of the literary, like, to move the story along. So you're saying Duscher gets, he crashes his car, nearly dies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Joel Duscher is sloppily living his life just because it's boring existence. He wants to, like, feel something. So he's trying to do all these, like, you know, wild and crazy things. You start riding into the narrative. Yeah. And then maybe now, or maybe I'm writing a story of a person who's trying to feel something and he gets too close to that.

And then in a moment where he, you know, because of all this, his life means nothing. And so, well, what does that mean? And then, oh, I know how to do it. He's going to try and, you know, he wants to live now. So I'm going to try and write it. Now that he's survived the near-death experience. And then I'm just going to be like, okay. the near-death experience.

And then I'm just going to be like, okay, and now that he wants to live while those daredevil lifestyle that he was living is now going to kind of come back to him. Antics. What about this? So no matter what you do, there is a way for them to...

Emma Thompson. Yeah. Her whole thing is that she kills the protagonist, right? Yeah. Yeah, that's what she's known for. That's her famous shtick. Become the antagonist.

Become a real sack of shit guy. That's good. Take up, slick back your hair. Slick back your hair. Smoke? Smoke cigarettes. Kick any dog you see. Oh, yeah.

And child. Yes. Yeah, this comes down to that, how much free will do you have? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shit's outside. I take them. In the spaces between narration,

that's when you do it. It's like, Joel Dusha sloppily walked to the bus stop and you, in that brief break, just turn and

kick a kid in the chin or whatever. I'm a piece of shit! And there are those things where I think Will Ferrell does try to go against what's being said

or goes against. But that's different from Dusha's acting within the narrative framework. And then again, it's that kind of goes against that. But then it just tries to move it around. It does end up becoming part of the narrative no matter what. I'm thinking, what about this? Full-on born-again Christian.

Okay. I go full-on born-again Christian. That's all I talk about. It's not a very popular genre of novel uh romance a dog yeah full-on born again christian romance a dog emma thompson stops sits at a typewriter stares at what she's written is like I maybe need to scrap this novel. Daddy's got to go like this. And on his way home from church. Yeah, Jackson stepped out of the church doors,

stretched his arms and basked in the glory of the afternoon glow. Of God's light. Of God's light. A small dog walked past. Jackson got down on his knees and placed his lips to the dog's lips. Their tongues interlocked like two lovers' hands grasping one another in the dark. And then she just takes her hands away from the keyboard. I take the dog away from my mouth, look up at heaven with a smug smile.

And I'll do it again. This is when maybe Queen Latifah comes in, reads this, tears it up, and is just like, let's have another go at that. Let's have another. Is that something Emma Thompson can do? I think so. Because, again, this is like, you know, it's a novel, right? Yeah.

So there's going to be stuff that they're being omitted. And, like, stuff, for example, like Jackson Bailey, you know, trying to find Solace and God and realizing that it is a well that he cannot really draw from. He's trying to find Solace. So, you know, driving home, like, you know, he's realizing that there is something missing in his life, maybe a pet.

You know, he sees, like, a stray pooch. He gets down to its eye level. The dog licks Jackson's face. Every single moment of free will I have, I'm kissing a dog. Jackson's face covered in dog spit. Jackson realizes that this is not the life for him. For some reason, I get back down on my knees. For some reason, the dog seemed to love Jackson.

This then starts Jackson's week-long adventure of getting licked by dog. The book still, even writing around it, is so suspicious. It's like, wow, you've written a lot about this dog licking his mouth? I know that no kissing's happening. Once again, I guess Queen Latifah will look at this and be like, rip that up. We're going to admit any, this is bad, write it better. Well, what happens if, so what if Emma Thompson writes it and kills us? Yeah.

And then Queen Latifah turns that up and is like, no. Well, we're dead. It's because we still Jackson still kissed that dog. It's just that Emma Thompson is writing a novel. She's like, I'm not including the bits where this man makes out with this dog. I'm trying to make myself such a loathsome

character that she's like, actually That's what you want with the characters. You don't want them to be perfect. You want them to be boring. But you want them to be interestingly loathsome. A man who is just kissing dogs on the mouth does not make for an interesting character. Maybe also don't wipe your ass.

No ass wiping. No cleaning myself up if I come. And I'm kissing dogs everywhere. So you'll be cumming heaps. So I basically am trying to make it so that Emma Thompson is just like this is not a character I want in my story anymore. So then she might start like course correcting.

Well, yeah, but no. He gets sprayed by a hose. But you are like the main character. And she's still got this whole idea of you falling in love with a baker. Oh, but she's got you two. Oh, so it's all three of us. Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do. Oh, if it's just me, that's way more difficult.

But if I can make myself, of the three of us, the most loathsome and uninteresting, or not even uninteresting, disgusting. If it is this kind of thing where it is this idea where it's three of us, and it's going to lead to the most untimely death of us all, we're fucked, boys. No matter what we do,

if one of us is being loathsome, again, we can't all be shitting ourselves and cumming our own bellies. I'm not going to do that. Not all of us are going to be like- You would have cum on your own belly to not die. That's crazy. You would not kiss a dog to not die.

Cumming on my own belly. Look, we've all been there. Shitting myself. Not doing it. Making out with dogs. I'm not doing it. There's lines. You wouldn't-

I wouldn't make out with a dog. No, I'm sorry. No, no, no. That one, yeah, probably not. Yeah, yeah. But if someone's got a gun and they're like, shit your pants or I'm shooting no no no that one yeah probably not yeah yeah but if I someone's got a gun and they're like

shit your pants or I'm shooting you I'd be too scared well you'd have to shit cause like either way you're shitting yourself cause when you die

you're shitting yeah yeah that's fine but like you're shitting you're shitting this is not that situation

this is me in my home shitting myself and still sitting on my couch yeah yeah yeah that's also true cause what if it's wrong and you just wreck your entire life?

What if I've just gone insane? We'll let Jackson do it because he can bounce back from this. Yeah, I probably can. I can come back. I'll be like, yeah, sorry about that. I thought I was a character in a novel. We're all like it's a multi-protagonist story and the thing is it's like, well, whatever's

going to happen, it's the three of us that we're involved with. I don't know how or what, but this is this is well either we just can't be in the same room yeah uh so i guess a lot of zoom episodes boys is it exciting for all three protagonists of a book to die of a heart attack at exactly the same time no not really what are you imagining we go on like one of those spinny what do you call them like a gravitron at once we just don't let it stop no but it's like we're all separate but we all still die at the same time the thing is we just don't know what the story is yet because it could be about is it about friendship and the closeness is it about like you know ah there's a story about like you know uh like your male bond that was so close together that even though that uh you know they weren't

to get the same room it's likeysm, heart attack, sudden cancer. I don't know. And it's kind of like even in death they were together. And we're like, Emma, you really misunderstood our relationship. Oh my God, the cancer's taking over my body. Heart attack, aneurysm, dog STI. I didn't know it was deadly. I mean, I guess we can take some solace in that it'll be her worst written book.

Even with some edits. There's just no way you can tell. I mean, it's a bad beginning to pick the three of us as your protagonists. Again, she's using Will Ferrell, who works for the IRS. And he sucks. And he did suck. Everything was by the numbers. It was routine.

It was everything. At least we're more chaotic. And he sucks. And he did suck. Everything was by the numbers. It was routine. It was everything. Everything. At least we're more chaotic. Yeah, it was like a routine thing. More loathsome. More annoying. When was the last thing we did something to a schedule? Never.

Never. Never. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So again, it's a kind of like a everyday. That's so funny that her book then is like, three chaotic men died chaotically. Well, that's the thing. Three chaotic men died the opposite of chaotic orderly. Orderly. Well, that's the thing. Three chaotic men died

the opposite of chaotic, orderly. Orderly. Shot by the one bullet. As they should. Magic bullet theory. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the name of the book. Died like JFK.

Whoa. That's not a bad... Okay. What? We can't beat her. I'm confused. We can't beat her. We're going to die.

Okay. Fair enough. I like that Will We can't beat her. We're going to die. Okay. Fair enough. I've accepted it. I like that Will Farrell, his way, he's just a nice man. Yeah, yeah. And he's finally living his life for the first time since ever. And she's like, this is a nice man. I don't want to kill him.

We're like, well, we can't do that. I'm a despicable sex goblin. Of course. Of course it's not going to be nice. Can't convince her. What about this? She's not writing in a love interest for us. No, no, no, no, no, no.

What if I try- You've already got a wife. You don't get another love interest because then it makes you a loath be that. She's not writing in a love interest for us. No, no, no, no, no, no. What if I try- You've already got a wife. You don't get another love interest because then it makes you a loathsome man. That's true. What if I die in such a way that her book would be considered poor taste when it was published? You're going to try and die like JFK? Yeah, die like JFK or like Princess Diana or something. Where she could just never release it.

But I'm dead. And if I'm dead, I'm dead. So I have died. Yes, I've lost to Emma. It's a fight I'm having. I've lost to Emma Thompson. You're being killed by a magic bullet. Yeah, but her book.

Okay, what? No one's reading that. What if? Bad reviews. I think that you're incorrect. And I think that if there was a fiction novel that was out that was meant to be quite clever adult fiction,

and then at the end, one of the protagonists got shot in the head from a grassy knoll, the other person died in a car crash in a tunnel. Tell them about the hugely controversial. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hong, as a

statue of themselves, was toppled? Saddam Hussein's death? I was trying to think of a famous one person dying. Someone gets shot in the back of the head as they're watching a play. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, no. Okay. I got a good third one. Okay. Someone's holding a cassette that their wife has just recorded of their new hit single, and they're shot in the belly. Yeah. And as they stumble over to a receptionist, they say,

Ooh, excuse me, miss. I think I've been shot in the guts. Yeah. Also, let the Beatles know I won't be rejoining. Are you a member of the Beatles in this story? No, it's a little joke. It's a little pre-death joke. I say that to really emphasize that it's a stolen death.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. Maybe that could be the name of the book, Stolen Deaths. What if the narration starts with it as the three boys or whatever, they wake up, et cetera, et cetera. Little do they know that this will start the chain of events where one of them

will die oh I'll take one for the team that was easy that was easy that was a fucking little solve that's annoying

because then you take one for the team but then one of us dies like oh that's true because then that wouldn't even be the end of the book

it would be the start of the book Jackson accepts death that I die and then everyone's going to come to terms with that and then we now have to accept the death of a friend as opposed, yeah. It would be the start of the book. Yeah. Jackson accepts death that I die and then everyone's going to come to terms with that. And then we now have to

like accept the death of a friend as opposed to a death of a loathed man. A man that would kiss a dog. It is crazy to imagine a book

where one of the protagonists kisses a bunch of dogs and dies like Princess Diana. What was the author trying to say? What was the meaning of that? Was it a comment

on the royal family? What would you say the themes of the book were? I don't know. I do what the muses tell me. Yeah, you know, characters just come to you and they just do what they want. On a surface level, I think it is like an anti-royalist book, but it truly is hard to say. It's truly inscrutable as a novel, I gotta say. Yeah, maybe we just all shoot each other in like a Mexican standoff. hard to say. It's truly inscrutable as a novel. I gotta say. Yeah.

Maybe we just all shoot each other in like a Mexican standoff. Just all that. Where did you get a gun? Why are you shooting me? It's just a voice that says, you've gone from go to woe so quickly. I don't do anything by half measures. We all just get in a car, drive off a cliff.

We know one of us has to die, so it's just, we'll figure it out. Actually, I mean, if she's like, one of them would die, that means we have a one in three chance of surviving anything that happens to us. So all three of us have to do things that

would 100% kill a person. I know that two of us will walk away we're playing Russian roulette we could drop a nuclear bomb on Plumbing the Death Star and two of us would walk away unscathed well it would be one of us may have been instantly killed the other two

it's a excruciating terrible thing that happens over a course of maybe a month we find out that she's written that one of us is going to die. We're safe. And then Queen Latifah walks in and is like, that's a terrible ending. They should all die. We hear that as the nuke is traveling toward us.

Oh, we should probably account for that. We should account for rewrites. Who did we get to drop the nuke on us? Would we be a comedy or a tragedy? Surely a comedy. It's pretty funny.

It would be, I reckon, an anti-comedy. Because it would be ridiculous, and I'm not laughing, but it's funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think people might describe it as experimental fiction. Because it's not really about anything it's it would be a book that gives you the same feeling as when you hear a long version of the aristocrats joke yeah it's at a grotesque and loathsome but uh it does end yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and it would be kind of fucked up to like as the person narrating you realizing that you are in like say a novel that

there is arc. So there is that room for growth and there's this kind of like, oh, this is my problem. Yeah. And maybe like there's sort of like those insecurities or those things that there that you like have been just pushing down and like not addressing. Like, I guess I'm addressing them now. Yeah. Well, yeah. This sucks.

Unless you fight it. Unless you fight it. But yes, no. Hearing all of those things that you're thinking inside said aloud by Emma Thompson. And plus now you're also then getting like what other people may be feeling for you. It's like, you know, you go to one of your good colleagues. He thinks to himself, man, this sloppy motherfucker yet again. I can't believe you slopped out of bed and slopped all the way to work.

I went right into this studio to slop up the place. Slop, slop, slop. These lips move, but all that everybody could hear was slop, slop, slop. I've seen liquid shits that are less sloppy than this sloppy motherfucker. I respect diarrhea more, too. At least it's doing something. I don't know, yeah. This is a disgusting book.

Okay, so now let's say so we've gone through the whole scenario where we've tried to fight it we can't no matter what we do

it always it always ends up leading back to a big I've kissed every dog in the city you've kissed every dog it's meaningless nothing happened

it's still like you're like well you mean you shouldn't put that in the book yeah what do you mean why not

put it in some it's the most interesting thing I did today what are you talking about? No, it's just, yeah. It's like the Jackson chapter

just got shorter and shorter and shorter. You became more of like a protagonist and more of just like a side character. Yeah. Oh.

Actually, we've stopped giving you a name in the book. It's just dog love. We've actually killed you, Corky. We've changed your name to Corky in the book.

Oh. So yeah, that all happens and then Emma Thompson is like, oh, this is what's going to happen. And she gives us a book and it's like, okay. And so we end up dying in a way similar to Will Fowler. Yeah, we get hit by a bus saving a kid. Maybe not exactly the same way, but it's something that kind of like...

Hit by a bus saving a dog that Jackson loves. No, that was my favorite. That dog was the best kisser of the whole town. You will be saving the dog. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah. So, now Will Ferrell has the choice of, well, accepting this, going into life, realizing that this is going to be his last day, accepting that this is going to be where his life ends and that his life will have a purpose here.

Where his life, like he's touched some people, like, you know, their lives, et cetera. He's been like, I've found the love of my life, et of my life etc etc we've got all this kind of thing going on i'm gonna do something really nice for her and then also i'm going to like you know save this child's life yeah that's how he goes into it would we be uh going into that with that kind of air of grace noise of uh quiet acceptance or we could get him screaming and yelling all the way down it would be pretty funny to die in a situation like that where rather than leaving everyone being like, wow, they really were touching our lives,

just to leave not like an evil presence, but like a loathsome one. They're like, yeah, we had nothing but kind of shit memories of them. You know when you watch a film and no matter how maybe good it might have been, if the last act or the last ten minutes is real bad, you make, oh, that film was garbage. So is that a situation where it's like, no matter what your life was,

the last ten minutes we're like, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Pull my pants down as I save the dog. Final indignity. Put upon myself. We were saving a kid. He pushed the kid into the bus to save that dog. His pants fell down. The bus gets up!

He pulled his pants down. His ass looked unwashed. I don't think he'd been wiping the whole time. I don't know. People sometimes have this where they're like, someone I know died, but I didn't like them in life. So they have, like, very weird, complicated feelings within them where they're like, oh, should I have?

We would give that to a lot of people. Oh, yeah. He was a piece of shit, but he, well, those guys saved those kids, whereas he saved that good kissing dog he yelled. The dog doesn't even know he's dead. It's funny to imagine. The dog has just licked your dead corpse. Just licking my mouth. Licking the waste.

I don't know what the dog. Look at the dog licking something out of. Oh, yeah, peanut butter in his mouth. Dog's licking it out of there. Okay. I like to imagine paramedics shooing this dog away. You've got to give him mouth to... No, I'll just leave him.

It's covered in dog's peanut butter. The fuck is going on here? I like to think, Doucher, you're getting hit by the bus and then it's like a quick cut to a funeral and there's like a portrait of you next to the coffin and it just says, Doucher, a sloppy man. Sloppy man. In memory of.

Sloppy man. Joel Doucher. In memory of. Sloppy man. The coffin looks wet. Sloppy man who lived a sloppy life and died a sloppy death. For some reason, the pallbearers, when they're moving your coffin to the grave, it like sloshes around. It's a bit slippy. What the fuck? I don't know what they did. Yeah.

She met us. She met us and still beat this. No, I didn't. We didn't look like that. It's the last scene that he... Sure, we may be at least two of us

night heroes, but damn, this is so rude. Character assassination. She was rude from the beginning to you. It's kind of the perfect book.

She was rude to you You were rude to yourself Jack You tried to accept it with grace I tried to accept it with grace But you kick it and scream and drag it By the two of you So I guess what we've learned today is You can't do shit about it

Best of luck Pretty much Just really hope it doesn't happen to you Hope you don't get stranger than fiction. Yeah, if you have Emma Thompson just kind of writing your life, let's hope it's a comic. Yeah, hope it's funny. Best of luck.

Go see a clown or something. Oh, no, clown's a tragedy. Don't see a clown. Oh, never see a clown. Never see a clown. Don't see the opposite of a clown, like a banker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go to the bank.

Go to the bank. And if, pray, someone slips over. And pray there's not a clown at the bank. If I saw a clown at the bank, Go to the bank. And pray someone slips over. And pray there's not a clown at the bank. If I saw a clown at the bank, I'd start crying. That's it. A clown at the bank is a tragedy. A clown at the bank, I'm like, reality has slipped away from me. This is a sad clown story that you've become entwined in

or you're part of a bank robbery and you're getting shot in the head. Because if a clown, why would they not dress in normal clothes to part of a bank robbery and you get in a shop. Because if a clown, like why would they not dress in normal clothes to go to the bank, you know? Why would you keep your clown clothes on?

Yeah, something bad. Something's really off. If you see a clown at the bank, just start to weep. Yeah. What's worse, seeing a clown at a bank or seeing a clown,

again, all in full costume and makeup, or seeing a clown, like say at a grocery store buying apples? Well, if it's a grocery store, I'm like, maybe the circus isn't there. Yeah, I would assume that it's like a last minute fuck up by the, like as a clown, like, say, at a grocery store buying apples. Well, if it's a grocery store, I'm like, maybe the circus isn't it. Yeah,

I would assume that it's, like, a last-minute fuck-up by the, like, as in they're like, oh, shit. Yeah, for a horse. Teach the horse to kick the clown in the nuts or whatever. But if it's at the bank, I'm like, you would not, you don't desperately, so desperately need to go to the bank. Yeah, because banks also aren't open at the same time

that a circus is open. Waiting room at a GP's office. No, clowns can have many clown-related injuries. I'm like, there's a balloon inside that clown. No, but that's like emergency. At a GP's office, we've got to make an appointment. No, it's fine. I'm like, he couldn't get to the hospital in time. It's the closest place now.

Yeah, like I've broken bones and gone to a GP before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same, same, same. What about a clown at a lawyer office? Bank is worse, but lawyer's office is not good. Lawyers, but clown at a construction site. Oh, weird, but somehow not as bad as the bank. What are they doing at the construction site?

It's a suburban house being built. And they're just helping or are they surveying? Maybe they're holding a big thing of balloons in like the half-built garage. Just kind of giving a look and there's construction happening around. I'm assuming it's their house and they're doing clown practice. Okay. Clown at a public pool. Call the police.

Maybe they've been hired by the police. Oh, yeah. Could be children's play. Clown at the bank is the only one where reality slips away from being like the sea yeah

everything else I'm like plausible clown at a construction like I'm like that's a bit strange and off but yeah

clown at a bank clown at a bank is wrong if you see a clown at a bank run yeah or cry

or cry cry cause there's no chance to run it doesn't matter run and hope the door's open cause they might not. Yeah, yeah.

And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've been Skid. Yeah, look, don't get Stranger Than Fiction'd. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's pretty easy. Yeah, it's not hard. We've done it so far.