Plumbing the Death Star - What Would It Be Like To Go Into Your Spider-Verse?

Episode Date: March 10, 2019

Where we ask the hard hitting question like What Would It Be Like To Go Into Your Spider-Verse?Sign up to our newsletter here; http://eepurl.com/cM3in9Join our facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Watch us stream here; https://www.twitch.tv/sanspantsradioYou can now physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073Theme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website https://bennydavismusic.com or check out his YouTube https://youtube.com/bennythejukeboxWant to help support the show?Sanspants+: https://sanspantsplus.comPodkeep: https://sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: https://audiobooksontape.comMerch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: https://twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: http://www.sanspantsradio.comFacebook: https://facebook.com/SanspantsRadioReddit: https://reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: https://twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: https://twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: https://twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio, spay and neuter yourself today! Hey, the Melbourne International Comedy Festival is coming up, and you should come see me host a show called Big Deal, where I yell at comedians and Sands Pants people, and almost definitely get injured. It's sort of like the game show equivalent of a game show fire. Grab your tickets from the Melbourne International Comedy Festival website, or from our own website, sandsansradio.com forward slash live.

Also, if you want to be kept up to date with everything we're doing and have done, then head to the show notes below for a link to our newsletter, where you can get heaps of news, fun articles by Sanspans people, and hints about upcoming episodes. Hello and welcome to Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions

like, what would it be like to go into your Spider-Verse? Let's just do this one more time. So, I'm Mr. Regular Man Peter M. Parker, and I got bitten by a radioactive spider. But it's okay, because it gave me the appetite also of a spider. So I have to now eat insects.

But I'm a big man, so now I eat men. But I'm also a good scientist, so I make giant flies, which then attack the city of new york but that's okay because now it's a food source and a big problem do you still have the hi i'm we'll get to me later but do you still have the same powers as a regular spider can you lift heavy shit do you have the powers of a regular spider? I don't know. I've never tried. What?

I just spent all my time eating big flies. Can you shoot web? I have organic web, but it's got to come from, like, an abdomen or, like, the butt or something, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Or your mouth. Oh, no, no, no. It all seems mouth-based.

No, I've got, like, little, you know, is it a little spider? Like, little spindles it has on its, like, butt? Yeah. So where my tailbone is, it pokes out of there, and it's got two little boys that come out. Are you a hero or a villain? So, you remember Dexter? Yeah.

That for a bit, but then I made giant flies. So now I'm like... Former carnival solves food crisis for himself it's such a funny newspaper headline because immediately you're like he's making people eat people but then when you find it he's making people eat flies i would think the flies were people it's former carnival solves food food supply issue for himself. Pretty much. He makes big flies for him to eat. Yeah, we can't eat big flies.

No. You can if you want. But it won't be good. You know the feeling is crushing a fly. Imagine that, but big, but in your teeth. And gooey. What's a fly's skin feel like? So I'm guessing...

So yeah, I guess my teeth have fallen out. And I basically have a spider mouth. Yes. So you look... I look like me, but spider mouth. So are you just going to turn into Jeff Goldblum's The Fly? No. Like, as is now, but just a spider mouth.

In your spider-verse, does the Green Goblin have the appetite of a goblin? Yes. So he's just a businessman that eats gold. A kingpin has the appetite of a goblin? Yes. So he's just a businessman that eats gold. A kingpin has the appetite of a king. Legs of meat. I like that the

lizard is your villain because he eats flies too. It's a food chain issue. Yeah, that's good. Also, I like my kingpin that I just invented. It just screams food. Lamb legs! Ham! Well, it's actually not a bad idea. That's maybe why I maybe

invented the giant fly, because a lot of Spider-Man's villains are kind of like insects or bugs. Scorpion eats flies. Arachnid eats flies. Lizard eats flies. Black Cat eats flies. Vulture eats flies. Shocker. Black cat eats flies. Vulture eats flies.

Oh, vulture's scary in your world. He eats bones. He eats bones. So the spider or the animal that we all get bitten by, while it's giving us certain powers of the other thing, also gives us the stomach and mouth parts of that thing. So the kingpin has a mouth of a king. The stomach of a king.

Gout, he's got gout. Do you mostly just fight over... Because it doesn't seem like you're stopping crime. It doesn't seem like you're the kind of Spider-Man that's out there to stop crime happening. No, it's more of a food-based or food-shortage based villain. Does the kingpin still do crime in this

Spider-Verse? Or does he just rule New York? I behead cunts! And I'm rude now! Your face made that. Absolutely. Just telling you now, listeners, you missed out.

The fact that you're only getting 50% of the equation is a true tragedy. Fetch me lamb! I think it's more... I guess here's my question. So say Kingpin has arrived on the scene and he's like... Guillotine!

Are you going to stop that? I will behead the Statue of liberty for crimes against me. I think it's kind of like an old timey king. Where is that accent coming from? But he isn't one of the ruling classes. So he does write the rules and the law. So he was fighting for the little guy. Kingpin bitten by a radioactive king.

I'm still your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, just with the appetite of an actual spider. So, but you said you're a big guy. So are you like a muscly Spider-Man? Big guy? I don't say I'm big. Yeah, you said you're a big boy, so you can have big flies. Those were your exact words. Yeah, but I am a man, so I can't just eat little tiny flies.

You are bigger than a spider. I have to have big fly. Big fly for big mouth. That's true. Hang on, how big a fly are we talking about? I may have been imagining too big. Yeah, see, I was imagining man size. I was imagining roughly the size of an elephant. Okay, too big.

Dusha, kind of on the right side. I was imagining the size of a big Labrador. But that's a lot of food. Yeah. I guess flies are pretty big Labrador. Oh, okay. But that's a lot of food. Yeah. Are you, you know how- I guess flies are pretty big, like in comparison. I mean, like a burger versus a man versus, sorry, a burger versus a man size.

When you compare that to a spider and a fly size. Depending on the size of the spider. What kind of spider are you thinking of? Just a spider. Generic spider. Just a generic, of course. No kind of spider are you thinking of? Just a spider. Generic spider. Just a generic, of course. No, I see what you're saying.

A spider to a fly is a burger to a man. No, except a burger to a man ratio is far greater. Like, there is far less burger than man. But yeah, but flies,

it's like your burgers were the size of our head. Yeah. So basically, you would have to make flies the size of your head. Would you use them in combat? Would that be part of your Spider-Man getup?

Do you use burgers in combat? No, but powers... That's playing with your food. That's weird. My powers don't revolve around eating burgers. If I got superpowers that revolved around burgers... If Jughead came and beat you... And I used my scientific mind to engineer alive burgers,

you bet your ass I'd use them in fighting crime. Why would you not? Because I was wondering if you'd use them like Spider-Man uses his little spider bots. You know like Spider-Man always has his little spider bots? I don't know. It could be a way you could use your... You got them anyway.

They're around anyway. I have made them. I figured I would have unleashed them into the wider... But they attack the city. Would they attack? I mean, they are giant flies. You did announce that they do attack. You said that you unleashed them on New York. I did.

You sound like a villain. Yeah. Yeah. What's your outfit? Yeah. Well, I imagine quite similar to the Spider-Man outfit. Yeah. But with like the mouth bit, like the bit cut away to to reveal my spider mouth

and i assumed my name was spider mouth oh that's a great i don't really have the ability to to have a secret identity unless they're always wearing a mask to have like like a lower mask on yeah just become a doctor oh that's not what i was thinking of that's so high profile become a doctor who's always scared of germs. But if you have a spider mouth, does your voice sound weird? A lot of clicks and clacks. Yeah. See, I wouldn't have teeth.

I wouldn't have a tongue. What does a spider mouth include? A proboscis? It's your power. I'm just saying, what does an actual spider mouth? I can imagine the fangs, but I've never looked under them. Wait, no, you just have fangs, right? Because don't spiders suck the guts out of flies?

They suck the guts out. So what does that entail? So you've got two proboscises, right? That are also your chompers. Are you poisonous? Well, I assume, yeah, because I'm eating... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just checking. Just, I want to get eating... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just checking.

Just, I want to get the... Oh, there's... Why is there an image of someone with a spider in their mouth? Oh, that rolls. Crunch, crunch, baby. That's what it's all about. Hell yeah. I got the same picture.

Yeah. I figure, because again, I'm getting a lot of the anatomy of a spider. So I'm assuming I'd get... It looks like that. Yeah. Your mouth is fat. It looks kind of like yeah okay so you're getting more spidery by the second like a bit more spidery covered like okay

fine fur yeah all spiders have that's a good power to have where i rub my legs together and it chokes people so just to quickly describe a spider mouth it looks kind of like a horrible mix between a gaping vagina and a bit anus-y, but then also has fangs and is furry. I figure what I have right is- It's pink on the inside too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So spider mouth, spider eyes. Yeah.

Kind of like man spider, but a little bit more man than spider. Like a neat man spider. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because man spider's messy. So I have the normal eyes that I have, which might be human eyes, but then there's a crown around me so I can cover them with hair or a nice headband. Growing hair over your eyes is wrong.

Don't have hairy eyes. You're a freak. I have the eyes on the side of my head But I just grow my hair long so it covers them So that when I need to be out there Like you know Spider mouthing it up I can kind of like tie it back

And reveal my arm Dude why is the side of your head always wet Oh it's just tears from where the hair touches my side eyes Yes I'm always crying Out of the side of my head. It's very irritating. It's quite sore.

Oh no, a crime in tying your hair back in a ponytail and all of your ring eyes just red from crying. Conjunctive hiatus-y. Yes, yes. Cool. What else do I have? That's cool, that's cool. So it's kind of like when the spider bit you It conferred way more spideriness

To the point where that kind of not powers them or hindrances What's your relationship with MJ? Frightening Frightening? Because I don't exist MJ fears you You're in love but MJ's confused and not happy about it I'm right. Frightening. It exists. MJ fears you. You're in love, but MJ's confused and not happy about it. I figure you've got to find someone who might enjoy it.

Like an arachno-enthusiast. That lady in that photo that's eating the spider. Yeah. Someone who's into spiders, but maybe a bit too much. Yeah, sure. I've got to find someone whose fetish is spiders, and I just don't feel that as MJ's. No. Well, then I'd feel if I was with someone who was

with me because I was more spider than man. It feels like they're fetishizing who I am. Because you're Peter Parker. I'm up for that. Because you're not Joe Zammett. You're Peter Parker. So you're Peter Parker who goes to the thing. You're already in love with MJ or Gwen, either way. You become spider mouth. And then you gotta go back to

high school like how long uh i reckon homeschooled yeah how's um aunt may because these are things these are things we gotta figure out about each of our spider verse okay costume name relationship with mj relationship with aunt may uncle ben's situation all right fair enough all right so and villains so costume wise so i figure like very similar to the spider-man costume but like exposed so it shows my mouth my mouth and maybe little um like places i can kind of see out of has to have a hole in the back where my little spinnets are yeah that i can swing from building to building now the symbol of the spider-Man is usually a spider. Yes. But I figure this might be kind of like a spider gobbling up a fly.

That sends a scary message to your villains. Can I try and imagine your mask? Because it sounds insane. So we've got your head like this. Terrible drawing of your head. Perfect. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You have a band.

You have like a skull cap of Spider-Man to keep your eyes Is that what your mask looks like? Yeah, kind of like a Luchador mask Is it like that? Draw your mask I'm so confused He's got too much open space Draw your mask I'm so confused I hate it

He's got too much open space How does it not fall off I'm pleased he got a ponytail On top of that So you would really just need Oh god I can't It's like trying to imagine It's an air show mask

I can't physically picture it with my mind Also it's a spider stomach situation Because you've got that as well It's an air show mask. I can't physically picture it with my mind. Also, it's a spider's stomach situation, because you've got that as well. Do you have a big belly? What's a spider's belly? Would that... How does a spider shit? Good question.

How does a spider shit? Does the fly become the web? I know so little about spiders. Because, again, Spider-Man currently has, like, where there's a white patch where his eyes are. So that'll just actually extend all the way around. Oh, okay. But there would be an opening up where my hair

and long, flowing ponytail would be, and, like, opens up where that big, gaping, more of a spider mouth is. Let's see. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, boy. You look like a Rob Liefeld character. Oh, no.

You've got like a Rob Liefeld mask on, and that's fucking great. I hate it. Okay, I'm looking at a spider anatomy right now. Oh, the spinnets are below the anus. All right. In your gooch. In my gooch.

In my gooch. It's a spinnet. That means you're Spider-Man. Your suit has to have a gooch. I'm going to have to use a lot of tape to tape back my balls. Imagine going into a pub. Wait, what do spider dicks look like? Oh, no, Sam. Oh, no. I'm just imagining going into the toilet

And seeing Zamet and he's accidentally just wearing Civilian clothes shot off web Shoveling web out of his underwear Into a toilet and being like I don't know what I'm seeing I must be going So yeah you've got Venom, Canals So that'll be in the whole mouth situation

So I can bite and paralyze people. Okay. I guess, I think I'm more like a vigilante. Yeah, you seem like a brutal Spider-Man. More of a brutal Spider-Man. Look, he's made giant flies to try and eat, and like, not people. But like, you know, if Kingpin is a bit of a dickhead, I guess he got ant. If Kingpin eats more lamb.

Yeah, so maybe some of my villains might be eaten. Yeah, it seems like you're on a path of consumption. Yeah. Yeah, look, I can't quite see spider dick. I know there is a spider that loses its dick, but... Hopefully that's not you. Yeah. That's unpleasant.

You've basically just... So your spider verse spider hang on hang on spice soda they are usually spice so they are usually in that they do not transfer sperm directly for example via penis instead the male transfers it to specialized structures palpal bulbs on the petapalpus and then meander about to search for a mate. I don't want to see you nude. Me holding my cummies being like, who wants some? I'm horny as shit.

These cummies got to go somewhere. Mary Jane, have these cummies. I hope Kingpin kills you, basically. Kingpin's like, yeah, look, I know that I have the powers of a king, but I king with a gun. All right, so let's see. All right, so relationship with a Gwen Stacy or MJ. Okay, so I have...

But they also, like, they love me. Did they love me before I became Spider-Man? Gwen Stacy certainly does. She's crushing hard on Petey a lot of the time. So she might take Petey and be and be like oh you're gross she might i can see um gwen being the kind of person that's like i gotta cure you yeah you're like i love eating flies and holding my commies in my hand or it's like she might be kind of like okay she might be the one to assist and help initially to be like okay if you need to eat, let's try and find the people for you to eat.

Yeah. Okay, so Gwen says he's like, I'll help you murder. Yeah. Cool. What about your relationship with Aunt May? She's always going to be wondering, I guess I've just become a, you know, well, Peter Parker has become a germaphobe with long hair.

So I'm guessing, well, I guess he's doesn't like germs and is into metal. Yeah, you got to kind of sort of scuttle away to the basement, grow your hair long and be afraid of germs. Or like whenever she does washing, she's just like, why is there so much web in his underwear? I imagine only wearing tighty whities as well. Oh, no. Yeah, but me too. And I imagine you sleep in like long johns that have a hole in the beach

Oh wait, okay, yeah, because I have a lot of hair on my legs and I need to rub that off So my legs need to be very bare Okay, so I have to be wearing maybe boots and then booty shorts with a hole where the perineum is And tape to tape back your balls And tape back my cock and balls Alright, so I'm assuming we're living the world of Into the Spider-Verse. So what were you doing

the moment Kingpin set off the machine? It's great if you were delivering your cummies and then you pop up in New York. Who wants them? So what happened to Uncle Ben? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah So I couldn't become a wrestler

Oh no, it doesn't need to be Uncle Ben Because in the Spider-Verse That's true I need to have lost someone special to me Well I guess Gwen is a good Unfortunately, like, you know, someone Because like, maybe that's the What's that called?

When like an instigating incident Yeah, yeah When like, you know, it's like Ah, yes, well with Gwen dying Like she was my moral compass. And now that she's gone. Your moral compass. Yes, I said that wrong.

It's his spider mouth. He pronounces compass. He pronounces ah as ah. So he should be saying commies. Who wants my commies? Is that man referring to communists oh no his spider kid so yeah my moral compass

would be Gwen Stacy and then I guess Green Goblin who has the appetite of a goblin I love gold golden women he's basically gold member Has the appetite of a goblin. I love gold. Golden women. He's basically a gold member. So I'm guessing, unfortunately, Gwen died in that attack.

I might be eighth green goblin. Yep. And then I was like, maybe then went on like a bit of a bender eating people, realizing that I probably shouldn't have. And then that's when I created a giant fly menace. eating people, realizing that I probably shouldn't have, and then that's when I created the giant fly menace. So now, which also kind of works nice with J. Jonah Jameson and the Daily Bugle is because...

You are a menace. No, I'm not a menace because the flies are the menace. I'm cleaning them up after the city. So really, to be like, that fly menace, thank God we have spider mouth getting rid of them Thank god we have spider mouth out there To eat crime Solving crime by eating it is pretty good

Well it's less of a solving crime Than just solving an ecological disaster Yeah that's true So yeah Alright here's a word from our sponsor Also this Melbourne International Comedy Festival I'm hosting a sweet little game show Called Big Deal

And if you don't come see it, I'll put myself in the sea Grab your tickets from Sandspantsradio.com forward slash live Okay, let's do this one more time My name is Spider J. Parker Because I forgot Peter Parker's first name My name is Spider J. parker and once on a

radioactive peter now on a routine field trip where oscorp was radiating spiders instead of the spider biting me i bit it and it got all the powers of a me and i got sick. So. Okay. So do you. My name is just Jackson. Oh, sorry. Spider Parker. I imagine it's like spelt with a Y as well. Yeah.

Spider Parker. So my name is Spider Parker. My costume is my clothes. But the spider whose name should just be Spider. What happens if a spider gets bitten by a man? They're usually killed because spiders are little. It's a radioactive spider,

man. I don't understand the rules. I don't think you can have a bite mark on a spider. I think that would just kill it. What if I bit off one of its legs? Are you biting it or are you crunching down? Why are you biting it? Because it lands on my arm and i'm like ah does it bite okay how about all right so does it get your tongue yeah okay let's say you licked it like a toad you bit you went to bite it but it like bit your tongue but

rather than it infecting you you infected it yeah so rather than like injecting its poison there was like this weird System that happened It's like you know The classic scene In any Spider-Man movie Where you see the Spider-Man powers Going into Peter Parker's body

Yeah But instead they went backwards Yeah like the spider Kind of sucks Rather than pumps Yeah and it's got All the powers of me And is slowly taking

Over my life Okay He's taking over your life Alright Yeah Well first things first Because it looks like me Okay

Alright How big is it? Initially The size of a human being But maybe the size of a spider The size of a spider but growing every day Because I initially thought it was just going to be like a spider How Peter Parker got the powers of a spider, but growing every day. Because I initially thought it was just going to be like a spider.

How Peter Parker got the powers of a spider. The spider would slowly get powers of a man. Yeah. So it would be already the powers of said spider, but it would start growing things like it would get a tongue. Oh, yeah, yeah, absolutely. But it's transforming into a human being. It would have eyes. It's transforming into me again, but I'm very sick because it bit me And I bit it and it got poison in me And now I'm dying

Alright so you're just dying and it is slowly Just becoming you To a point where you die It becomes you, it pushes you into a sewer Never to be found But no one's looking Hang on, hang on, can I revise? Or retconning, I don't know

Slowly as it's issue 10, nobody loved it So we don't know slowly as it's issue 10 nobody loved it slowly as it's becoming me i'm becoming it all right all right perfect but your only ailments are that you're sick yeah no i've changed that that's the retcon slowly i'm becoming a little spider and it's becoming a big me all right why did we get the one that's turning into a spider and not the one that's turning into you well you do get the one that's turning into me what which spider is they're both the spider man yeah but which one's coming which one's coming in into which one are we talking both you're getting both who's spider j parker i'm spider j took the name parker parker jay spider okay we met and sorted it out do you all right is there a point where it stops no we're we're at i have to assume

for the when the into the spider verse happens yes you're the exact we've reached an accord we're at the middle okay which means there's two identical looking people that have most of the traits of a spider but are little they have the same they look exactly the same but one has the thoughts memories and emotions of a man and one has the thoughts, memories and emotions of a spider

but they have the same ability to express those both can discuss what it was like to be a man. One because he is a man and one because he's become a man. One, they can discuss what it was like being a spider. Terrifying. Okay, cool. Slowly, I am afraid that one day I will become a spider and I don't know what Parker J.

Spider will become. Yes. So, names obviously don't change. I'm not... You can't say obviously don't change after you've just changed Peter Parker's name. As in, I don't... Okay, yeah, Spider J. Parker and Parker J. Spider.

Okay. Costume is just our clothes because we don't fight crime. We're going to deal with this problem ourselves. Slowly as Parker J. Spider becomes more and more sentient, I have to explain to it what happened. I have to be like,

buddy, I'm so sorry. So his brain is becoming more evolved and becoming more man-like, whereas your brain is becoming more devolved and spider-like. Over time, yes. What? Does a spider have a brain? A spider's probably got something to think with. Yeah, it's got a brain. It's behind in spider-like. Over time, yes. What? Does a spider have a brain? A spider's probably got something to think with.

Yeah, it's got a brain. Yeah. It's behind its mouth. Just like mine is slowly lowering to be. And that spider, and Parker J. Spider's brain. You know what's good? Yeah? They have exoskeletons.

You have a skeleton. I'm getting hard on my skin. Can I make a little amendment to my spider mouth? You know, because spiders are kind of in two parts. Where I have my stomach, it kind of gets tapered in. Almost like I'm wearing a consistent corset. That's great and gross to imagine. Anyway, continue.

All of the hair on my body is becoming spindly like spider hair, but Parker J. Spider is slowly becoming more and more not smell more and more human so his hair is getting softer uh my relationship with mj or gwen stacy is non-existent because i have bigger things to deal with there is way more going on in my life i do not need romance right now after i slowly discover that Parker J. Spider is becoming more like me And I'm becoming more like Wait I'm going to get lost as to which one I am

You're Spider J. Parker But that's also a risk for Spider J. Parker Which one's the real him Now he'll know Because he'll be like Yes I'm becoming more man like I was once a spider You would have no thoughts Because you're like, I am a spider. I need to be in a web.

You're going to have a spider wife. I'm a spider. Yeah, that's true. So MJ is like... MJ is going to end up dating Parker J. Spider. Because that's good. Parker J. Spider gets MJ and Spider J. Parker can get Mary J. Imagine his first sexual encounter. Wait, how? Hang on. Gwen Stacy and MJ, and Spider J. Parker can get Mary J. Imagine his first sexual encounter.

Wait, how? Hang on, wait. Gwen Stacy and MJ is what I meant. No, because, again, one of you is an actual spider. Because what's going to happen, okay, apart from Into the Spider-Verse, where you get this weird mutant where there's two of you who are half-transformed, when you go back, after maybe a year, it's just going to be a man and a spider. So the man is going to be like, okay, cool.

Well, I know that as a spider who has taken over this man's life and is now a fully functional man with no abilities, I'm a little dumpy. Great. I'll maybe try and exercise more to fight, but whatever. Either way, I'm going to get a glass, like an aquarium type thing, and just kind of put that what was once a man and is now a spider in there. My life's hell. So I can look after it because I know what it's like to be that person.

He has no thoughts. He is a spider. He has spider thoughts. What if you bite him? Do you swap back? Yeah, I've got to just, as I'm dying, I've got to try and bite him so that I can continually swap.

Relationally with Aunt May, she'll continually swap like you're going to do it again once you're a man. You're like, oh, I miss being a spider and having no thoughts. Or just I bite the spider again, like for the same reason I did the first time Lands on my arm

Oh no That's how I got into this mess The two of you take a year long gap year somewhere Yeah What to sort out our problems So you can explain your life to him as he becomes you I'll be like right here's the deal My name is Spider Jay Parker

I go to high school I eat anything that lands on me. That's my first response. Does he gain your memories? No. He just looks like you. So we have, when he becomes you, does he, like, what age is he? Is that as you are now?

Well, see, initially I assumed when he became me, he would retain the thoughts of a spider,, he would retain the thoughts of a spider. And I would retain the thoughts of a man, but as a spider. Oh, okay, that's great. So he has... Does he have spider brain or does he have man brain? He has spider brain for the body of a man. And I have man brain for the body of a spider.

He's going to cause so much havoc. I'm running up to... And he's going... He'd love my universe Because there'd be giant flies But he wouldn't be able to get them I'm going to die because I'm going to go up to Mary Jane And I'm going to try and ask for help by putting my little spider arms up

And she'll just squash me with a book And Parker J. Spider's going to get shot by cops Basically you're going to Charlotte Web this You're just going to write messages in your web Some pick Why is Parker J. Spider getting shot by cops? If you think about a man with a spider's brain

Who only wants to eat things and have a web and fuck Yeah He's holding his cum He just jizzes in his hands and holds it up He's getting a cat team responded And he's going into a mental treatment facility. Yeah, you're right. The trick will be on the asylum

because no one can fix that. Because he's like, he's not eating. We've done some scans. He has what we like to call in the business a spider brain. So what is your name? Depends what spider it is because if it's super territorial,

oh, that's going to be a punchy spider. I hope it's a funnel web and it just digs a hole. Runs at people with his arms, fists up. And spits on them. And I'm down there, a little spider. Tries to extend its spades. About to get eaten by a bird. Yeah, buddy.

Not so easy, is it? Got by a crow. Relationship with Aunt May. She thinks her son has died. Not her son. No, she just thinks her son is the nephew of the brain of a spider. Ever since he got bit by that spider, he's become an idiot. Poor spider Jay Parker.

Parker Jay Spider. That's all he can say. Just his name, but very upset. Okay, so also presumably I live in a world where all of my villains are having the same thing. So Green Goblin, Norman Osborn, bitter goblin. That landed on his shoulder. That little goblin is becoming more like Norman Osborn. He's becoming more of a businessman with a goblin that landed on his shoulder. That little goblin is becoming more like

Norman Osborn. He's becoming more of a businessman with a goblin. That means you have a lizard. He's becoming a man lizard. He's already kind of there. That's good. Kingpin bit by a king. He bites a king.

He bites a king and slowly the king becomes a king. Kingpin becomes a king. Because the kingpin's already a king. He bites a king and slowly the king becomes a king. Kingpin becomes a king. Because the kingpin's already a king. He's just becoming a king again. That's fine. That's kind of neutral. What's happening over there is not really a problem.

None of it's really my problem. In fact, there's probably no crime in my Spider-Verse. Everyone's dealing with their own thing. Because now it's like you don't have a person who looks like Kurt Connors, but with a brain of a lizard. Yeah. So scuttling and hiding from things.

But it's great to imagine any battle with supervillains in My Spider-Verse, because it's just like a wildlife documentary. That's just the lizard walking up to... Lizard Jay Connors walking up to Spider Parker Jay Spider and just eating him because that's just you know lizards eat spiders

it depends how high up like the battle takes place like is it the humans becoming the thing and how much have they actually turned or is it vice versa and how much have they turned like if you're three quarters of the way through the transformation and it's Parker Jay Spider versus Lizard Connor. Connor J. Lizard.

Connor J. Lizard. And they're both like three quarters of the way to the man. That's true. That's just two people meeting in the street. Connor's J. Lizard probably has a better chance of survival than Parker J. Spider. Yeah. Because the lizard can just eat things. Oh, that's true.

The spider trapped in your body, it doesn't know how to eat. Oh, that's so sad. Oh, imagine pooping. It doesn't know what's going on. It's just going to bite a fly and then keep it on its teeth and hope. It's going to be like... Like it just can't suck the goods out. What is like...

Would it see someone in like a fly costume? Is that even a common occurrence? When was the last time you saw someone in a fly costume? I've seen it once and it was terrifying. I'm just a big fan of vultures swooping down and picking up Parker J. Spider. Swooping down? You mean falling? Crushing into the pavement?

Old man jumps off a building. I thought he was a vulture it'd be like an asylum an Arkham situation where a lot of people would basically a lot of the doctors and psychologists

there are a lot of people who think they are animals and there is one person who thinks they're a mythical goblin and that goblin. And that goblin that runs the... Norman Osborn kind of like squatting being like, give me

gold! It's perfect. Yeah. You've created something truly awful. So I assume when Into the Spider-Verse happens we just get you but with a spider brain. Yeah. Yeah. Well it went into the Spider-Verse happens. Went into the Spider-Verse happens. We just get you, but with a spider brain. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's like two of you that are half man, half spider.

One has a spider brain and one does not. I like to think they got me as I'm trying to nut it out one last time with Parker J. Spider. But I'm like a spider with a man's head. And he's like a man with a spider's head. And I'm like, please, please. My time is short. Let me bite you. And then sucked into the goo.

Uncle Ben situation. I feel like my life is tragic enough that if my Uncle Ben died, I wouldn't notice. Like if Aunt May was like, hey, Spider Jay Parker, Uncle Ben, he was shot today. And I'm like, who cares, Aunt May? I'm slowly becoming a spider. Who's Aunt Uncle Ben? Who's Aunt Ben? What are you saying?

You know what? Don't worry about it. I've got bigger things to worry about. Because you're not going and becoming a wrestler or whatever, you're not really there to stop the criminal. But also Uncle Ben's not there looking for you. So it kind of, he might be alive. Yeah, that's true. Maybe Uncle Ben's just fine.

It's just- He just hates his weird nephew. He's just like, I wish my nephew didn't have a spider for a head. And J. Jonah Jameson just doesn't know what's going on. He's like, there is a spider menace. But there's also a lizard menace, and there's a goblin menace.

There's a lot of menaces in this city. Front page of the Daily Bugle just says, what the fuck is wrong with this town i hate this stop biting animals you dogs um so yeah that's a spider jay parker and parker jay spider so let's go through this one last time my name is joel dusha my best friend was bit on the balls by a spider and it killed him. And I'm suffering a real tragic loss. So I just keep dressing up as him and pretending I have spider powers to cope with the loss. All right. Why did you have to specify balls?

Well, apparently it turns out if he had been bitten on the neck or arm or something normal, he would have lived and had spider powers. But unfortunately, he had his balls out. He had his balls out getting bitten. Those testicles are full of spider powers. Give us some. I just like to imagine the two of you in Oscorp walking through and your mate pulls out his balls.

He's like, I do sure. I do sure. You're like, dude, put him away. Put him away. Ah! A spider land. Dude, what are the odds he just starts vomiting and just dies

oh my god I gotta dress up like a spider man do you dress up like a spider man or dress up like your friend what do you mean

he never got he never got powers or he never got a costume you don't you're dressing up you created a spider man as a coping mechanism

yeah like this is what he would have looked like. Like if he got powers, but he didn't. Because he's dead. That's such a... Did you read a comic of Spider-Man? Or were you like, man, if only instead of dying, he'd gotten spider powers. It's the second one. Spider-Man comics don't exist in my universe.

Okay. Okay, so what is your name? Joel. No, but what is your name? Joel. Oh, right. Peter Parker. So it was your friend. Yes. Your friend was Peter Parker.

So you dress up in a Spider-Man costume and say, I'm Peter Parker. I got bit by a spider and now I'm powerful. A spider bit me on the balls. Okay, so what powers do you have? Well, I've got none. Ah. But I say that i can fight like a

spider and bite like a spider okay so do you fight and bite like a spider i try okay you're getting shot by a cop they missed is your symbol a spider biting balls? Does everybody you like say you stop a mugging and you're like, a spider bit me on the balls. And you just carry on. No, I'm powerful. Is this basically all your villains? They are bit on the balls or jine by whatever is. No, their friend is bitten on the balls or jine by whatever they represent.

And then die. No, because you're not Peter Parker. So they were so Kirk Connors, good friend. bitten on the balls or giant by whatever they represent and then die. No, because you're not Peter Parker. So Kurt Conner's good friend, I don't know, Jacob Smith is there. And they're like, oh, Kurt, it's nice to... Whoa, a lizard just bit your balls! Don't take out your balls at the lizard enclosure. I guess I've got to pretend to be a lizard to honour my good friend. Man, what if this had resulted in him getting powerless?

That would have been cool. So the lizard dresses up like a cosplay as a giant lizard. Yes. Alright, okay, cool. But that's Jacob Smith. Yes, not Kurt Connors who is dead from the lizard bite to the balls. Norman Osborn's good friend. Dude, don't take out

your balls at this goblin. Goblin. Then a goblin. Oh no, the exhibits were real. balls at this goblin museum. Then a goblin came. Oh no, the exhibits were real. Then a goblin bit me on the balls. It's not at the museum. I gotta dress up like a goblin. Oh no, hey,

look at me. I'm Joel Zavitt, best friends with whoever the rhino is. Oh look, we're gonna go visit the rhino. Why you got your ball? No, that rhino bit him on the nads. Hi, Jackson Bailey, best friends with the kingpin. Oh, no, don't take your balls out at this medieval feast.

Bit on the balls, and now I get to dress up like a king. I like how you've just fondly misunderstood Kingpin's character. Keep saying he's got king powers. Sure has. The idea of a king at a medieval fair biting a man on the balls because he's got the balls out is good. I'm just imagining he's eating, he's not paying attention to what he's eating. Thought it was a chicken drumstick. You've basically created cosplay.

Yeah, but cosplay where people are fighting each other. And people have been bitten on the balls. Angry testicle-based cosplay. Okay, so let's go through it. Name, Peter Parker. Yes. Costume. What's your costume look like?

Is it a terrible Spider-Man costume? But he doesn't know what Spider-Man looks like. Good point. So what would you design a costume? Joel Doucher, no idea what a spider costume looks like. Well, I've got to protect my face. Yeah. But also, he's paying homage to his friend.

Yeah, to his dead friend, Peter Parker. Who, for some reason, just remembering that he had his balls bit. Would you like how Christians wear a crucifix? Would you wear balls? A couple of balls. A gold ball on your neck. A couple of balls to show the world what happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

With a spider dangling off. What's that costume? You've got to cover your face so people don't know you. No, but you're telling people who you are. No, he's telling them that he's Peter Parker. Oh, that's true. Wow, Peter Parker's back from the dead. Peter Parker's back from the dead, and he's wearing a costume that commemorates Peter Parker. Oh, that's true. Wow, Peter Parker's back from the dead. Peter Parker's back from

the dead, and he's wearing a costume that commemorates his death. And he looks an awful lot like his good friend Joltuja. That poor boy, he's going through a lot. So, I assume that like, whilst I declared that the Spider-Man comics don't exist,

that maybe DC comics do, and all of their masks are just strips of felt across their face. So Zorro exists in your universe. Yeah, Zorro exists. Or the turtles. So it's just... A ninja turtle exists. Because you've just drawn a ninja turtle.

Well done for recreating the ninja turtles. Ninja turtle, but a man is your Spider-Man. But, what's it say? He says in a speech bubble, I got bit on my ball. So, you know what? Fair call. Fair's fair. That's a good Spider-Man outfit.

And that's a good Spider-Man catchphrase. Okay, what's your relationship with MJ slash Gwen Stacy? Who are the partner of the deceased. Who definitely know that their, I guess, crush and nephew died. Yeah. Probably not good. Are they like, please stop.

He's dead. This isn't helping anybody. This is not helping anybody. I beat a bug and I got bit on the balls. I bite like a spider and I bite like a spider. Do you know how insensitive that is? He died by a spider bite on his nutsack. Are you making fun of him?

What are you doing? You were good friends. This is in his honour. I miss him. You were good friends. I imagine you bruised and bloody because you cannot fight crime. Anytime he turns up a mugging, people beat the shit out of you. Yeah, arms up all the time.

Aunt May also hates you, obviously, because she's like, please stop besmirching the life of my son. I don't understand. Why are you insulting him like this? Weren't you good friends? You stayed over at this house a lot. I've cooked you lasagna many a time. My name's Peter Parker. I got a bit on the balls.

Alright, so Mary Jane and May are just consoling each other, crying. You must just run through the city. Yep. I drive. Yelling out the car. I'm Peter Parker and I got a bit on the balls. I imagine you with your hands up at all

times. So like driving with your hands up at all times. So like driving with your knees, having a son with arms above them. My arms through the sunburns. I think you can also imagine you poking your head out the driver's side window and slamming the wall of the door of your car just to get some percussion in that. I'm beat a bugger, I'm spinning the balls.

Fight like a spider, spider, fight like a spider. All right. Your Uncle Ben situation? He left. bite like a spider bite like a spider alright your Uncle Ben situation he left it wasn't that bad for you though no he just he was just sad I guess I can just imagine him maybe like

threatening you a lot like I'm gonna do what you know look Ame is too nice to do but you gotta fucking stop this out kid he's just disrespectful. I miss my friend, Benjamin, and I will do everything to do what he would have done. I miss my nephew. He was like a son to me.

Well, if he was like a son to you, you should know that I'm respecting his legacy and doing what he would have done if he survived the spider bite and got spider powers. That doesn't make any sense. This isn't a movie. This isn't make any sense. This isn't a movie. This isn't a comic book. This isn't an episode of Zorro. We don't have spider powers. What are you saying? What about Green Goblin?

He's got goblin powers. That is... His friend got bit by a goblin. They went down to the goblin museum and he got bit on the balls, which we all know is a risk. He doesn't have powers. He's simply dressing up like you are in the goblin museum and he got bit on the balls, which we all know is a risk. He doesn't have powers. He's simply dressing up like you are in a goblin suit,

yelling, my name is Norman Hosman. I got bit on the balls by a goblin. What is wrong with you? Fight like a goblin. Fight like a goblin. What is wrong with all of you? What about Kurt Connors, the lizard? He's dead.

It's Kurt Connors' jacob smith also in a lizard costume also yelling i got bit on the balls by a lizard bite like a lizard my case is mac gordon's friend yes um all right so change under j Jameson would definitely think you were a villain He'd be like You are a menace because you yell at strangers All these people are menaces That are yelling about getting bit on the balls I'd do an interview though

J. Jonah Jameson would be like You're a menace, come in I'd be like okay Can you please explain Imagine this, J. Jonah Jameson In a round table discussion With like MJ, Gwen Stacy Aunt May

And Uncle Ben And then there's Hugh And it'll almost be like an intervention Like an Uncle Phil Like an Uncle Phil From Fresh Prince of Bel-Air It's great to imagine That's the moment you get sucked into the Spider-Verse

You don't have powers Fight like a spider It's great to imagine that's the moment you get sucked into the Spider-Verse. You don't have powers. Fight like a spider! Fight like a spider! And then they'd probably think I did have powers. They'd be like, maybe he was Peter Parker with spider powers. Come back from the dead. All right. After we're into the Spider-Verse,

I'd bring one of the Peter Parkers back with me and be like, tell them that I'm you. No. And then I'd bring, after we're into the Spider-Verse, I'd bring one of the Peter Parkers back with me and be like, tell them that I'm you. No. And then I'd leave. You have no powers. You're just in a costume. That's perfect. All right, so let's assume that the three of us end up in Miles Morales' universe.

Me holding my cummies. Me, a spider with a man's head and a man with a spider's head. This is what we look like, by the way. I drew a little picture. Oh, yeah, that's good. Just a little picture of how things are going. Not great.

Okay, so how are we going to start? First of all, Kingpin, disappointed. And none of us can train Miles Morales as to how to be Spider-Man. So the other Spider-Men not coming through? No, it's just the three of us. That's all we got. Oh, okay, cool.

Here's a quick summary of what happens. We die because we don't make it back to our own universe. Yeah. Miles Morales. Does he at least get old Spider-Man? What? Spider-Man who, like... Trains Miles.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, all right. We'll be when he's like, oh, you think you're the only Spider-Man that arrived? And they go down into that basement. It's just a man with a spider's head holding a spider with a man's head. A grque spider man with cummies in his hands and me a guy dressed like a ninja don't worry kid we'll help you get out well that's not what i would say

i don't care about this i have problems to solve right now i keep dressing as a ninja turtle after this experience because now i know what Spider-Man would look like. Also, I've been proven right. Yeah, that's the craziest bit. If Peter Parker didn't die, he would have become a Spider-Man and now I'm... You get legitimate proof that you are the Spider-Man of your universe. Fight like a spider, bite like a spider.

So none of us are great in a spider. So, none of us are great in a fight, so when it comes to the final fight, well, first we gotta train Miles Morales a little bit. Because they try. I have no powers. Yeah, but you're confident. Bite like a spider.

No, I'm eating people. I'm eating people. Okay, so maybe we just cause further problems for Miles Morales. I guess we don't trade him. We just have to kind of hope that other Peter does. Yeah, like, good luck to you, man. All right, Miles, we got this. Okay, so first off, I'm going to teach you how to go out and, like, you know,

on the city, on the prowl for, like, you know, victims. Because I'm hungry. All right, okay, what we're going to do here is we're going to go looking for crime. And there's some delicious crime. I swoop in and kill somebody. Hope it's not his uncle. Imagine that you kill his uncle, Ben.

Yeah, Miles Morales. The Prowler. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Aaron something? Yeah. Imagine though, as we get there, I come in with Parker J. Spider Who has a spider's brain Gets stressed by the bright lights And just runs off the edge

And he dies and I scuttle up to the edge And I'm like, this is not good I am in a lot of trouble right now Send me back, Peter Parker Send me back I guess he just loses And the kingpin wins We can't do well in that fight

Even with Miles Morales and Peter Parker Peter OG Parker They're both gonna die probably Us against a Who do they have in that They've got Doc Ock How do we fare?

I'm little, but not that little. True. I'm not little enough to Ant-Man my way into a costume, but I am small enough to be thrown into a mouth. I don't have a spider's venom, but a human being has bad bacteria in their mouth. You can bite her tongue. I can bite her tongue and give her an infection over time.

Well, you could actually just crawl down her esophagus, and because you know what you're doing, block that up. That's true. I need to breathe out her mouth. I have a human head. Yes. I'll, uh... Alright, so I'll huck you in. Yeah, you huck me the way you huck a commie into her mouth.

Huck me like you huck a commie. Yeah. You proud of that one? Very. Yeah, a little bit. Yeah. You proud of that one? Very. Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, good. I'll go down her mouth and try and choke her out. She can't get at me with her own claws, so. She dead.

She dead. So, who are we going to kill? Doc Ock, done. Got her. Who else was that? Who else did he fight at the end? Scorpion. Is there a third one?

Wait, at the end? Yeah, yeah, yeah, the final fight no it's just um it's just doc and the machine's blowing up or whatever it's all wrong mars morales and spider-man real spider-man can take care of that and then i think kingpin at the oh yeah and kingpin takes mars morales to fight kingpin that's fine you two just have to deal i'm in a mail that kind of is what happens in the film i think isn't scorpion there as well yeah who are the villains that we're dealing with scorpions there because there's five of them. Yeah.

Green Goblin, who you don't see after the start of the film, Kingpin, Doc Ock, Scorpion, and Prowler. Yeah. Prowler's not there for that. No, Prowler's dead at this point. You just have to fight Scorpion. Your greatest power is your overconfidence.

Hey, idiot! Doc Ock! Scorpion, we're fighting. Who bit you on the balls? Fight like a spider! Fight like a spider! Now you're just going to run at him and hope that works. Distracted enough that I can get in a kill shot.

If you get him distracted, I guess Zammett can just... Eat that scorpion? Eat him up with his gross vagina mouth. Yep. And then we save the day, get sent back to our own universes, except I go back as just a spider with a man set. And I guess Parker J. Spider's dead? Yeah, I don't know what that means for me. Exciting. It's Wario. I, I don't know what that means for me. Exciting.

It's Wario. I mean, it's stuff like that. Like, this transformation just stops. Pause as I'm a spider with my head. I like that you're going to come back into the middle of the intervention as it was, like, in the exact middle of it, like nothing's changed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you'll be like, well, I'm right.

Look, if your son had, I mean, if I was, I mean, I am Peter Parker and I go, Pit Boss, man! Fire Hacker's back! I'd pick up my chair and just hit Uncle Phil. And Dammit goes back to his world full of giant flies. And just eats like a king. Yep.

Eats like a king, Ben. Well, we solved it easy. Our spider sonars nailed it. Good job, team. Yeah, we did better than any of the other spiders ever, frankly, could. Yeah, I'm happy to say that I am cleverer than a normal spider. Yeah, me too. Well, not for long.

For now. And on that note, I've been Spider-Mouth. I've been Spider-Jay Parker. And I've been Peter Parker. Fight like a spider, bite like a spider, baby. Hell yeah.

Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter you can find us at Sandspants Radio or you can find us individually I'm at Douche13 I'm at OldDogsOfDead and I'm at GodDammitZammit If you want to hear our other shows you can head to SandspantsRadio.com

and you'll find all our other content there There's heaps! And if you want to support us head to SandspantsPlus.com Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever.

Kisses.