Plumbing the Death Star - What Would it Feasible Take for You to Betray Humanity and Side with the Apes?

Episode Date: November 26, 2017

In which our heroes survive an epidemic, find themselves in the middle of a war, struggle to choose a side, as we ask what would it feasibly take for you to betray humanity and turn to the apes?Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/ Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter:  twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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That's over. Is this the war for the Planet of the Apes? Is that the war we're in? Yes. All right. So I recently saw War for the Planet of the Apes. The Planet of the apes has risen and now a war, no. Okay, so basically they rose, then they

warred, then they warred, and now it's the fight for. For a bit they went beneath. No, no, no, they rose, they dawned, they warred. So pretty much what happened was 12 years ago, in ape timeline, not in real life old mate james franco invented

a thing that he thought cured alzheimer's it actually just made apes smart and and made humans dead ah then damn uh then after that like roughly six months to a year ago yeah in this ape timeline so 11 years after the cure of Alzheimer's in brackets not real cure for Alzheimer's actually make apes and humans are living in not harmony but they're trying not to get involved in each other's shit

there's an evil ape he's like nah humans were trash to me I'm gonna use this as an opportunity to start a war for the planet of the apes. It's generally because I think that humans are wiped out. There's not that many humans left. Humans are wiped out. I haven't seen them in ages.

And they see an ape. Two winters. Yeah. And they see a human sees an ape and gets spooked and shoots one. Yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah. It's not good.

Yeah, that's spooky. So, yeah, humans are in little camps. Apes are in little camps. No one's really sure if the other still exists. Yeah. Then's not good. Yeah, that's spooky. So yeah, humans are in like little camps. Apes are in little camps. No one's really sure if the other still exists. Yeah. Then they find out and they're like, oh shit, they do. Crud. Then old mate Kuba, evil ape.

He's a bad ape. He's a bad ape. Yeah. Is like, sees humans and is reminded of all the terrible things they did. And he's like, no, fuck him. Tries to start a war Sees a good ape Good ape

Tries to stop war Ape on the side of man? No Ape on the side of ape Non-war Peace Ape on the side of peace Yeah yeah yeah

Peace ape Peace ape Good So bad ape tries to start war Peace ape tries to get in way Kills bad ape Uh huh Bad ape damage already done

War start Ah shit Um and then we get to war for the planet of the apes Which is where The issue kills bad ape bad ape damage already done war start ah shit um and then we get to war for the planet of the apes which is where the issue well

where doucha comes in where i come in hi everyone yes um war general war general of the war but also apparently

looking for people to betray you maybe i'm a general for the apes so in war for the planet of the apes yes uh bad apes. So in War for the Planet of the Apes, bad apes' old companions have joined the humans to help wipe out the apes

and then plan to overthrow the remaining humans. That seems like a complicated move on the part of the apes. No, no, no, no, no. This is like good strategy because it's like, well, we pit the apes against the humans and let them wipe each other out and then we just pick off the stragglers yeah yeah that's a good move all right but yeah look it it's not a it's a kind it's a clever move but they're apes so not that clever yeah i was

gonna say like because also like they're in the war yeah they're part of the groups getting picked off no that's stupid yeah it's's like the men call them donkeys because they hate apes. After Donkey Kong? After Donkey Kong. That's real good. But also, well, they call the bad

apes Kongs. So they just call apes Kongs. Yeah. But then they call their apes donkeys because they use them like pack meals as well.

So it's like double meaning. Anyway. Is there a line that says look at this cranky Kong? No. So it's like double meaning. Anyway. Is there a line that says, look at this, Cranky Kong? No. Death. No, unfortunately not. That's one Cranky Kong.

And then they turn and look at the camera and go, DK, Donkey Kong. Well, I know in When They Dawned, there was an ape that threw a barrel. And that was pretty good. Is there more apes throwing barrels in the war? How many Donkey Kong references can they throw into these films? There's a guy called Mario that wears a red hat pretty good well there's more apes throwing barrels there's a guy called mario that wears a red hat no there's no there's a plump and they just start jumping on them i created the idea of all the apes marching to like the donkey kong rap but like as a marching song dk donkey kong that's good that a fast march too. Donkey Kong is here. Yeah, right.

So the apes clearly have a reason to betray apes. Because their team, anti-ape. Well, their team themselves, really. So you've basically got three factions. Ape, ape, and human. But then in war there's actually human, human, ape, ape. There's four factions.

There's bad humans, there's indifferent humans, there's bad apes, there's actually human human ape ape there's four factions there's bad humans there's indifferent humans there's bad apes there's peace apes so there's no like humans on the side of apes being like nah apes kill out the humans and then we'll take you out no there's a little girl that they this is confusing

because peace apes kill little girls dad oh no but they were peas. Why are they killing ladies? He goes to shoot them first. He draws first. Self-defense. Yeah, but girl is just like, shit, kind of.

Like, just looks at her dead dad and then goes off with the apes. But then later on cries and one of them dies. So she clearly has a reason to betray humanity, but it's never stated why. So what I'm trying to explore today, what would it take for a man to betray humanity to join the apes like the apes betray apes to join humanity?

Hey? What would it take for me specifically? Yeah, you specifically. What do the apes got? Spoilers though. Yeah. There is an ape in the movie that is just you. What's his name?

Bad Ape. Why is he me? He's an idiot. spoilers though yeah there is an ape in the movie that is just you what's his name bad ape why is he me he he's an idiot he's he's a zoo ape that escaped yeah after like the virus hit because it turns out there's another reveal in the film that the virus didn't just wipe out humanity it made like the apes that weren't just part of caesar's faction smart as well oh okay there's a dog on me now. Good. That's unrelated to the episode. Get off. Bye, dog. So all apes got clever.

Yeah. Well, at least this one did. All right. And yeah, he wears clothes. He can't talk ape, but he can talk English. That's funny. Yeah, it's good. Because apes are signing, and he's like, what?

What? Excuse me? What the fuck? Oh, that's good because like apes are like signing and he's like what hey what yeah excuse me what the fuck oh that's good um so yeah knowing that there is another person that's just you but an ape well i'm just me but a human i'm actually that ape but a human it's all about perspective because i honestly think that look ce Cease is pretty smart smarter than me if I got in a room with him he could convince me to betray humanity well what I think is that I would look at the situation and be like I would put my money on the apes here

you know what I mean? so you want to be with the winning group for me it would be like, alright, so let's look at the history of this whole thing so we have the virus that killed how many apes did it kill? This virus that got released to this world? How many apes? None. How many humans? A lot.

Okay, and I'm immune, yeah? Yeah. So I guess our days are numb. Yeah, like just... But then humanity, you know? That's my home, people. You're right, because we're immune now.

So we don't have to have to fear. We can just repopulate the earth and take it back from those damn dirty apes, Jackson. Except the apes are getting clever and humans are getting dumber. The virus has like a... I don't know if you guys have seen the original. So we're not immune, we're stupid.

No, you're immune. I'm already so stupid. How much stupider can I conceivably get? So the virus has sort of mutated a bit. Okay. And there's like a secondary virus now, which if you catch that, it makes you mute and you kind of lose, like kind of zombie-esque.

All right, how do I get this? Does the ape sneeze on me? No, it's contracted from humans that are infected How many are there? How can we tell? They can't talk Put them in a bin, burn them, whatever Well, that's what the bad humans do

You mean the good humans? Sometimes you gotta burn the infected You know what we did with lepers back before we could cure lepers? Put them on an island away from us Send them to live with the apes. That's what I'm doing. But there's also no evidence to suggest that it can't be cured. Shit.

Send them to the apes, I guess. Apes are cleverer than us. Yeah. Oh, that's a much better solution. You send the sick to the apes and be like, apes, you're smart. Now it's science. Fix them. They'll be like, these are the enemy.

Fix them. Come on, ape. Fix them, you friend. It's the ultimate ape cleverness test. It's like the dilemma of immovable object meets big force. Unstoppable force, because like

apes, if you're really that clever, you cure the human. But if they are really that clever, they won't cure the human. Yeah. And just like a robot, the ape will explode. What? Just asammett, king of the humans. Fixed the day. I didn't know there was this virus

on the table. Okay, so... But again, there's no evidence to suggest that it can't be cured. How contagious is this virus? If a mute person sneezes on me, am I gone? So it's shown in the film that someone gets it by touching a toy that belongs to a child that has it.

Okay. Well, first of all, I'm not team human now. I'm now afraid of any human that's going to touch me. No, I'm going with the apes very quickly. Yeah, but what's a human's resources looking like? Do we think we've got the business to cure it? You know, we've still got scientists. Well, most of the film

takes place in an abandoned military base that has missiles so assumably it has like lab medicine because if we cure that then the humans are back what do i get with the apes like how do apes win what's my position in ape society yeah i mean you'd probably just be a citizen ape like what all right jackson bailey citizen ape tell Like what? Jackson Bailey's citizen ape. Tell me you don't want to read that comic book. So there's things like that I need in my life that can these apes provide me? I'm scared to ask what, but I'm going to anyway. Like what? Slamming cheeks.

And once again, we find ourselves here. There are things that humans need to live. We need shelter. We need love. We need comfort. We need... I'm going to ignore the second one of that list because I'm scared of where Jackson will take it.

Shelter, the apes have shelter. They have shelter, that's good. They have a base. They have comfy beds, yeah. Why do you need to wear clothes in this new ape society? You don't have to. They don't. Oh, sick.

That might be cold, though. It's not cold everywhere. That's true. They live in like a cave, sort of. A cave... There are apes all over the planet, sick. That might be cold, though. It's not cold everywhere. That's true. They live in, like, a cave, sort of. A cave. There are apes all over the planet, though. Yeah. Well, the apes, it's funny,

because the apes don't actually know that there's apes all over the planet until they meet bad ape. That's true. Those apes are like, well, we're the only apes. Well, they're like, they're like. Those idiots.

They're that smart, aren't you? They're like, we're the only clever apes. They know apes exist. Until they meet bad ape. Who is the semi-clever ape? So is it like the virus? He's a dumb fuck ape that can talk English. Is it like the virus that got the humans?

If a human infected went and sneezed on an ape in a zoo, that ape becomes clever? Yeah. That's cool. That is very cool. What I like about that is that wild apes living in the jungle are still stupid. Dumb as fuck. That's cool What I like about that is that wild apes Living in like the jungle Are still stupid Dumb as fuck

But then one of the apes could just sneeze on it Presumably and make it clever Okay so they give a shelter Yep they got shelter Food what are they eating They eat meat Bananas I don't know if I can do a whole nene diet, douche.

All right. You understand. Do I understand the reasons that we don't want to have a pure nene diet? Yeah. That's too many nenes. I cannot eat just brunons and nenes. That's not who I am. Here's what I don't like. I don't like that I'm

going to know what society was like and have to explain it to the apes. You know what I mean? It could be good though because you're like, yeah, everyone had an Xbox. Make an Xbox. You're smart. They might be smart enough. Shops still exist, like as in ruins of shops. There's probably still Xboxes

lying around. In the second one, they got a dam working. I'm sure now that the apes know, okay, a dam's working, we can get light. Sick. Yeah, well, I do like the idea of being there for the growth of ape society. That's neat. Because then you feel like you can kind of mould it and shape it by being

like, well, this is what human society was like. You know what I mean? Yeah. Get kind of your own way. I'm trying to think what the benefits are going with team humanity other than the fact that... You get guns. That's true, but also apes can get guns. Yeah, apes ride horses and shoot so many guns. Okay, so apes now

have horses. Well, that's now on the table. Do humans have these horses? Some, surely. I don't think in the latest film you see any humans ride horses. Well, we get jeeps though, but jeeps aren't a horse. Yeah ride horses. Well, we get Jeeps, though. But, yeah, a Jeep's not a horse. Yeah, trucks.

They got trucks. But trucks are boring. I could get a truck now. Exactly. If I'm there with two AKs in my hands shooting from a truck, I look like a dickhead. But if I'm shooting from a horse, suddenly I'm a hero. I'm just trying to...

Because, like... I mean, okay. So, for breaking it down, love is probably the only thing we humanity needs. Yeah. Suddenly I'm a hero. I'm just trying to, because like I mean, okay, so for breaking it down, love is probably the only thing humanity needs. Now I'm like Now we're talking about slamming some slamming ape cheeks, Dusha. Which I'm fine for, whatever, they're basically

alive. Yeah, they're like sentient and sapient. They're cleverer than I am, it's fine. They're giving consent. Am I giving consent? I guess I am. It's fine. They're giving consent. Am I giving consent? I guess I am. I'm happy to say I'm sapient. Hey, if Marky Mark can make out with a lady ape, it's good enough for me, all right?

Oh, I forgot about that scene. It's cool. It's good even. It's good even, see? Oh, can I be an ape concubine? I'll happily fill that place in society. You can be whatever you want, Jackson. Follow your dreams.

I like that this was not like, what can the apes offer you? But it became, what can I offer the apes? Well, I mean, there's going to have to be a bit of that. I thought Stell would probably be like, well, we're not going to kill you because peace apes. But like. I'd be like, I'll be a concubine for one of you apes. Yeah. Who wants some of this?

Who wants some of this? Grows a hairless body, yeah? To us, you look sick. You remind us of an ape that's dying. Hey! Good! You know those, like a smoking ape that lost all its hair? You look like

that to us. It's not good. Can I introduce tabaki to the apes? If you want. They're clever though, so they're probably not going to smoke it. Oh, they don't know. It's not good. Can I introduce tobacco to the apes? If you want. They're clever though, so they're probably not going to smoke it. Oh, they don't know. No, no, no, no. Kill them slowly. Yeah, addictive. It might be like clever, but hey, you know.

What's a quick way to give cancer? Radiation therapy? Stand on their balls. Yeah, that's true. I'm just trying to think of a way I can help wipe out the apes Because I might go team humanity just because you know Human pride Yeah look

I don't like hang on It's Jack I'll betray humans at the drop of a hat If I read the writing on the wall to be like Humans are fucked We're going to be mute and stupid Fuck this I'm out I'm going to trek up to the apes be like

oi got a job so like what a man i like the jackson is team humanity but apparently going undercover as an ape concubine kill him from the inside no here's my plan but like get all of the ways you could go undercover you're gonna fuck to fuck them. Get an illness of some variety. Of the old STI trick. Yeah. So you're going to like reverse AIDS this? Spread it amongst the apes. Jackson Bailey gives the disease back to the apes.

Come back to humanity. I'm like, this is a worthy sacrifice. You're welcome, Woody Harrelson. Then I die in the snow You die a damn hero That man that fucked the war to death Fucked the apes into oblivion That's what it'll say at the plaque at the bottom of my statue

The apes haven't developed penicillin yet to oblivion. That's what it'll say at the plaque at the bottom of my statue. The apes haven't developed penicillin yet. I don't know! We can give them syphilis. Monkey syphilis. Give all the apes syphilis. I go in and I'm like, Woody Harrelson, I have a brilliant plan. Give me syphilis. Just eject syphilis, off you go. Off I go to the apes I'm like apes

Look at this lovely Exotic man meat Slam some apes Cheeks They're like I feel ill I'm like You have to fuck

Literally everyone Cause Well the apes Are spreaded amongst themselves You don't have to fuck everyone You just gotta fuck one ape That'll fuck the other apes Well I mean

But this society Has kind of become monogamous. Nah, there'd be apes sleeping with other apes. Yeah, but it's the same way in... Yes, but, like, it's the same way that now, like, you wouldn't be able to take out humanity just by giving one person... Well, like, syphilis was, like, one disease I can spread amongst them. Like, there's plenty of others.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They just got to fill me up, you know, with illnesses back at the human base camp. Some are like airborne. Yeah. Then I'll just barrel into the ape camp and cough on everyone. Cough and fuck your way to the top.

Then I'll go back buried as a hero, but far away, because my body is very poisonous. It's a good plan. Yeah, it works. So you're not joining apes. You're not betraying humanity. You're dying for the human's cause.

Flip the script on old ape mates. That's the plan. Are there other... I like that you've been talking to a donkey and the donkey's just like, here's what we're doing. And you're just like, that's a good plan i'll be back and they're like where do you go oh if you want get like um all right so there's there's still ruins of the old world yeah yeah we'll go to a halloween shop yeah get a gorilla outfit then do all your injecting of the diseases.

I feel like that's going to be the apes are going to be offended. They're going to be like, that's not what we look like. The apes. This is really offensive. They're, oh, my God. But don't you want syphilis? Come tongue my mouth. Your tongue poking out the plastic mouth.

It's stuck! Even though they're peace apes, I feel like they're putting you down. I feel like it's the kind of thing where I'm like, sweet, I'm full of disease, time to head off. And then they just don't hear from me for ages. And then on the patrol, they're like, oh, he died. He didn't even make it there. Alternatively, you meet Caesar, and he just walks up to you and just snaps your neck

and throws you in the lake. Yeah, look, that's also a reasonable plan. Are there other human populations surviving? Yeah, so you see a military base, and then you see an opposing military force, which is the good humans. Yeah. But then also you get the outpost

where this girl is found and they kill her dad. Okay. So presumably it's just very, very similar to a standard run-of-the-mill post-apocalyptic situation where there's probably a bunch of militaries and stuff like that, but there's also going to be, like, minor outposts. All right. All I think is that, by and large, there are more humans than apes,

just end of the day. I think there's more apes than humans, to be honest. I don't know if that's true. Humans are getting wiped out by diseases. So, also, if I'm betraying humanity and siding with the apes, because I just see the writing on the wall being like, humans are fucked,

I'm sure, am I the only human in a colony of apes? Well, I mean, you can probably bring a mate. Oh, sick. Plus one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Plus one to the betrayal part. Again, as much as I don't like this term,

it's been used a lot already. So, like, if you need to bring someone to slam cheeks. I'm bringing Dusha. That was a twist. Zabit, we can't reproduce. It's not about reproducing. Humanity's dead. It's all about the joys of life.

Let me slam them cheeks. Sup on the supple bounty, man, he's dead. It's all about the joys of life. Let me slam them cheeks. Sup on the supple bounty of existence, douche. Ha! By the way, I accidentally got all diseased from Jackson. Anyway, off we go. You see that pile with the flies around it?

That was Jackson. He had 43 different diseases. All he managed to do was slam my cheeks and now he's dead that one last orgasm killed him i don't know what his plan was um okay so stand opposed to how many apes i was just wondering this how many apes are still trapped in zoos well bad apes pretty much what just wondering this, how many apes are still trapped in zoos? Well, bad apes, pretty much what happens is everyone, when they start dying, because of how easy the virus spreads between humans, places like zoos got shut down pretty quickly, because you wouldn't want to go to a zoo.

No. Not because of the monkeys and whatever, just because you wouldn't want to be close to strangers. Heaps of people, yeah. But like movie theatres and stuff like that, no one's going there anymore. How many... So it's just apes, yeah? Because there's orangutans.

Yeah, I was thinking that as well. What are the different varieties? Do I get gibbons? Gorillas? Yeah, there's gorillas. Mandrills? Oh, sick. Mandrill.

Planet of the Mandrill. You don't really see... You don't see monkeys. Like a kapuk. What's the one with the... Kapuchin? Yeah, the kapuchin. Because it's just apes, yeah?

Yeah, because nothing with tails. Kapuchin would be awesome. I don't think a like, monkeys. Like a kapuk. What's the one with the kapuchin? Yeah, the kapuchin. Because it's just apes, yeah? Yeah, because nothing with, like, tails. Kapuchin would be awesome. I don't think a mandrill has a tail. Mandrill's is an ape. Mandrill's probably, yeah. That's scary. No, but, like, because we're- I don't want to send Kapuchin on someone's shoulder and be like,

yeah, fuck him up. Yeah, stab a human. I'm going to look up all the different varieties of ape. Yeah. Ape varieties. And I just want to see if any of these are the kind of fellas that I'd like to look up all the different varieties of ape. Yeah. Ape varieties. And I just want to see if any of these are the kind of fellas that I'd like to join, you know. But, yeah, honestly, it wouldn't take much for me to be like,

hey, do you want to... Because, yeah, what is Caesar getting out of me? What do I know? Yeah, I don't know. What's so good of you? He might be able to... He could use you to talk to humans, I guess, to try and reason with them.

Oh, okay. So I'm not going to wipe out humanity. I'm trying to be reason with everyone. Oh, they're the pea sapes. That's right try and reason with them. Oh, okay. So I'm not going to wipe out humanity. I'm trying to be reason to everyone. Oh, they're the peace apes. That's right. I mean, if you could defect from the peace apes and become a bad ape. Oh, I thought that was on the table. Yeah, look, I'll be a peace ape.

No, I'm a pacifist. I'm like, yeah, whatever. Let's get along. There's a Wikipedia page called list of individual apes. Wow. That's good. That is good. Are any famous apes clever now. That's good. That is good.

Are any famous apes clever now? Like Michael Jackson's ape? Bubbles. Bubbles. Bubbles was a monkey. Oh, no, Bubbles was a chimp. Is Bubbles just sitting in Neverland Ranch being like, what the fuck?

I have sentience now. This is bad. What the fuck just happened? Yeah. Well, you kind of get, I mean, this is just unrelated, but just happened Yeah You kind of get I mean this is just Unrelated but just an insight into the film You kind of get that with Bad Ape You kind of get that he was just one day like

What the fuck What is this So if all I'm doing Is if he's like defect to my side because peace And I'm like Nah that makes sense I'm immune to the virus Do the monkeys have the virus is if he's like defect to my side because peace and i'm like no that's that makes sense that i'm immune to the virus the virus do the monkeys are the virus how is the what do i know as like joel

b ape citizen yeah sitting in like scum city what do i know about the virus well you're the same age you are now okay no as in like so if you're are you you... Yeah. In this situation, you're, like, 30. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then you would have been alive for... Because it was, like, broadcast on the news and shit. Yeah. Like, the virus... But what Sam was wondering is,

does he know that the apes are carriers? Are the apes carriers? Do I think the apes are carriers? Yeah, what's the... Well, you're immune. You know you're immune. I'm immune. Because you're not dead.

That's great. So that's... Don't have Alzheimer's for this boy. Wait, did Alzheimer's not get cured? No, it doesn't get cured. Motherfucker. I always think it's very funny that in the Planet of the Apes universe, if we hadn't tried to cure Alzheimer's, none of this would have happened.

If James Franco hadn't have loved his dad, none of this would have happened. Okay, so I think I'm immune immune or at least i know i'm immune they're not gonna die and a new virus pops up what i know about this new virus well the new virus is a mutation of the old virus and the human rebels the bad humans yeah i just like we're gonna kill everyone that has that and anyone who's been in contact with people like that that aren't even showing the signs of it and also we're gonna kill anyone who refuses to kill those people. Okay. That's a really good way to lose everyone real quick.

Yep. So, look, I would just, I'd be just, yeah, is any humans being on side of peace? Yeah, there's a good humans, right? There's good humans, but you don't see much of them, because they only pop up at the end of the film to... I might not have to defect to the apes, I might just be like, oi, good humans.

Bad news about the good humans, though. They'll die. Damn. Well, presumably. They send a whole army out and then an avalanche hits and they all get squished. Is it possible to be neutral to both man and ape? To just be a simple wanderer telling tales to both?

Yeah. I mean, you could. Selling stories across the land? Yeah, selling stories and maybe my body. Either way. Until you come across a bad ape who won't know that you're that and probably just kill you from a distance. I've got to guess somewhere where there's no apes.

How about this? A beach. Alaska. Hmm. So you're... When was the last time you've seen an ape on a beach? Never, actually. Yeah, see?

Wait, no. I saw a chimp search for crabs. What? Yeah, in a doggo. Gotcha. Go on. Alright. Was that like the best moment of your life?

It was great. He put his hand like in the sand and you're like, how does he know where the crabs are? Did he find a crab? Yeah, every time. Did he eat it? Yeah, he was like, got the whole crab. Delicious. So he didn't like hit it on a rock or something? He didn't suck the juice out. Did he find a crab? Yeah, every time. Did he eat it? Yeah, he was like, got the whole crab. So he didn't like, hit it on a rock or something?

He didn't suck the juice out, no, he just bit in and like... Apes are fucked. I ate a lot of shell. Clever. All right, so, to avoid getting shot by bad apes and like, whatever,

we've got to get an ape mate. Ape mate? Oh, no. So me, you know, if so, it's me or you. Wait, ape mate or ape mate? No, no, like a mate who's an ape you know if so wait ape mate or ape mate no no like a mate

who's an ape ape who's a mate and if something sexual blossoms that's like that's just friendship that's life exactly

yeah so it's like alright me and you traversing traversing the traipsing I want to say traipsing the apocalypse

yep wasteland with an ape we'll just replace Dusha with an ape yep done and then we just go around telling tall tales Dusha with an ape And then we just go around Dusha wasn't immune

Too bad We've got an ape instead And we'll just be like yell about films Good Watch this film I'd say Dusha got got but then we see just an ape that looks almost Identical to you Just look at each other don't even say anything

Go off There he is Nailed it to you. We're like, just look at each other. Don't even say anything. Go. Hey! There he is. Nailed it. And yeah, go around the wasteland telling tall tales and whatever. Why doesn't every hypothetical we keep still starting podcasts? Like, hey, what if

instead of like, I mean, like instead of a war, we just like go and talk shit as us three. What are our skills? I've got no survival skills. I'm dead in the wasteland. Guys, we don't really show that many skills in podcasting either. But look, no one else is doing it.

Everyone else died. We can get away with it. Even if I did sell out to the apes, and I'm like, yeah. Slamming cheeks cast. That'll be the new name. Hey, let out to the apes Slamming cheeks cost That'll be the new name Hey let me talk about apes I'm fucked This is my favourite ape murder

Yeah But even if I did join the apes Right The bad apes don't know that I'm with the... You know what I mean? It's not like I've joined them and I get the protection of them, because, like... You could probably...

Well, it depends, because it could probably become quite apparent. I mean, like, if you joined the apes, it would be rare for you to be by yourself. Yeah, I suppose that's true. And word would probably travel to the... But then also the bad apes are working for the humans, remember? So, like, they're not going to just shoot a human

New plan Become a hermit So we've got to like Sewer systems exist still The ruins of the sewer systems Just go in there Live like a sewer king You can shit anywhere

Because there already is shit anywhere How are you going to eat rats I don't know about that I prefer the nay nay diet To be honest because there already is shit anywhere. Exactly. How are you going to eat? Rats. What a life. I prefer the nay-nay diet, to be honest. Yeah, nay-nay diet is looking real good right now. You've got to look at it practically. You've got to be like,

well, I'm not going to ever have comfort of life again. You know, my life, it's a dog's shit right now. That's how my life's going to be. So I might as well just survive in a sewer eating feces or whatever. Rats. You can eat shit if you want. I wouldn't recommend it. I don't want to. I misheard.

No, no. You can shit anywhere. But I need rats. Cool. Right. So you live that life. You eat rats and then you diet like 40 and that's pretty good in the wasteland I die at 25 in a month I get pumped full of illness

And do as you died at the moment it happened What's that? I'm dead now You're yelling at an ape at the zoo The ape coughs on you and you die Fox, do you save? Jackson and Salmon What?

Fuck this ape! Guys, have you ever thought about this ape and how much it fucking sucks? Hey, ape! Fuck you! Oi, ape! Come here! I gotta have some work!

Ape! Come here! Come here! The ape doing a big Oh! Yelling back. Oh yeah, beat your chest! Yeah, good, I can do that too, ape.

Fuck you! Fucking ape. It slams the glass and then just coughs. And then you go. Is Dushan dead? Damn. That sucks. I like that I spent my last moments on earth yelling at an ape.

What did this ape do to me? Made eye contact? It's like, man, I really love the zoo. Is that fucking ape looking at me? Hey, hey, I'll fuck you up. I like to imagine, you know, just like me and Zammett, like, oh, I guess we could go see, like, I don't know, the fucking rhino

would close your necks and you're like, hey! Oh, no. Hey, boys, did you see that? That fucking ape looked at me. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Fuck this ape, did you see that? That fucking ape looked at me. Let's just keep moving. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Fuck this ape. I'm not letting him get away with it.

Hey, I evolved from you. Stop banging on the glass. Oi, come here. Come out here. I got words. They're bad. Every fucking enclosure's heaven. Man man I love the zoo did that rider just look at me

hey rider I hate going to the zoo with douches we've been asked to move along from 27 enclosures hey penguin do you just fucking look at me I'll bash you and I'll bash all your mates you're fucked like having to help doucher as he's like crawling

over in the enclosures come here you penguin cunt They're fucking bears They'll kill you I'll kill them Can't kill me if they're fucking dead can they I really like that idea You know the aquarium where the stingray goes

And you can touch it It coming past you and just punching it Punching down and watching the stingray And it's like it's circuit around just slow down and then hit the bottom and stop moving. That was for Steve Irwin, you cunt. We have to move quickly

before people notice. You are a nightmare to take any place with caged animals. The podcast apes. Fucked I Stunt. Beings I Punched. Beasts I Punched. All of them. So we can't go to petting zoos anymore.

Punching zoos. Look at this baby. Go. What? Look at me with stupid eyes. I'm better than everything. Fucking thinks he can headbutt my leg. I'll headbutt his face.

Think you're good because you've got wool? I wear wool. I'll fucking eat you. So, betraying an ape. I mean, betraying the humans for the apes. I think it wouldn't take much if I'm, like, a side of peace. Yeah. If I know the full story, I think I'm probablying the humans for the apes. I think it wouldn't take much if I'm like a side of peace. If I know the full story, I think I'm probably going to start

with the apes. But if I don't know the full story and I'm being fed propaganda that apes are going to spread illness and disease, then yeah, I want to take back our planet. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, like, I've got an unwavering loyalty to team humanity when it comes to situations like these. So I think I've just got to stick

with my boys. And I apparently die so I don't get a choice yep yep pretty much that's okay i shouldn't have yelled at that ape you shouldn't have not only did you die you ruined the trip to the zoo for me which means that even though i died you don't even have fond memories you're just like i knew that was gonna happen the moment somebody suggested the three of us go to the zoo. I was like, ah, Dusha's just going to yell at all the beasts. Varsamy, when he killed a stingray. We're not allowed to go back to the aquarium. At least I'm not betraying humanity for a Turkish delight.

So I think we're doing better than, you know. It worries because Jackson would probably betray humanity if they're like, we've got a lot of cheeks to slam. That's true. I'd like to imagine I could be on Team Humanity but still slam ape cheeks, you know, if the situation arose where such a thing could happen. You know, I've got options open now.

That's nice. It's not just humans, you know, there's apes to slam. And apes that are giving consent. And apes that are happy to be slammed and to slam in return. I don't know what happened with Pommy the Death Star recently because every time animals come up, all of a sudden they have sentience and then therefore you get to go on your high horse. Well, these apes have sentience.

That's the whole point. And then you get to go on your high horse and be like, well, they're sentient so they can consent, so therefore I'm going to fuck them. I'm not saying I will fuck them, I'm saying we can. Yeah, no, no. Jackson. I'm not saying you will.

You're always like, well, Jackson's got a point. And Jackson's like, I'm going to fuck everything that says yes. Yep. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. War of the planet for the apes

join humanity or the apes or die at the zoo those are your three choices slam them cheeks no thanks for listening and if you want to follow us on Twitter

you can find us at Sandspants Radio or you can find us individually I'm at Douche13 I'm at OldDogsOfDead and I'm at GodDammitZammit If you want to hear our other shows you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there

There's heaps! And if you want to support us head to SandspantsPlus.com Thank you again for listening and we'll see you our other content there. There's heaps. And if you want to support us, head to sanspantsplus.com. Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.