Plumbing the Death Star - What Would Life Be Like on the Island of Sodor?

Episode Date: August 27, 2017

In which our heroes build a train, give it a face, and then accidentally bring the whole thing to life as we ask What would life be like on the Island of Sodor.?Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for our Melb Fringe Shows or UK tour right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help fundraise in aid of PSC Support? Just head over to sanspantsradio.podkeep.com and give what you can for a brand new D&D adventure! And if you’re wanting to know more about PSC Support, you can head here; http://www.pscsupport.org.uk.Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for our UK tour right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Duscher: twitter.com/dusch13Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio. Did you know you don't need to be touching lava to die? I didn't. Look at me. Hey everyone, Sands Pants Radio is part of Melbourne Fringe this year, and along with some of our other shows, we're going to be doing a live Plumbing the Death Star for one night only before we chuff off to the UK. Just head on over to melbournefringe.com.au to grab your tickets, Plumbing the Death Star is on the 16th of September and check out sandspantsradio.com slash live for the dates and times of our

other shows. Now, enjoy the show. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, what would life be like on the island of Sodor. So for those not in the know Me? Which is the both of you, I guess Yes The island of Sodor is where Thomas the Tank Engine and all of his friends live Ah, right

Which is an island, I'm fairly sure, off the British coast And I think, as far as I know, the only island with alive trains So like, you could phrase the question of today What would life be like if there were alive trains. So like, you could phrase the question of today, what would life be like if there were alive trains? First off, hang on. There's a lot to unpack. There is.

There's a note Thomas the Tranquilizer. Thomas the Tank Engine. Look out, it's Thomas the... It's like a big syringe. Chasing the other trains. Put him to sleep. Got them. My only knowledge of Thomas the Tank Engine is playing, I guess,

with my godbrother back when I was very, very young and he had some of them. I think I like the red one. That would be Henry, I'm fairly sure. So how many tank engines are there in the island of Sodor? Heaps and more are being added every day. How there in the island of Sodor? Heaps and more are being added every day. How big is the island of Sodor? Big enough to have at least eight

different rail lines going along it, which is extensive for one island. It would be the size of a state, I guess. I guess so, yeah. Australia is an island and we've got a lot of trains. I feel like the island of Sodor has more. Something I just realised, and it's a deep cut already.

So in Thomas the Tank Engine, not only do the trains or the engines have souls. And personalities and faces. So do the carriages. Oh. But not all carriages. The troublesome trucks who are a bunch of like Coal carriages that are cunts And killed Percy that one time How did they kill

Wait first question the one Who's the Percy Percy was Thomas' little Like green mate Who everyone Like the primary school kids were like It's a girl and I'm like no it's just a very effeminate boy train But none of the trains have genders really Because they're trying i don't know how do they mate i don't think they

mate this is gonna be a car's what it is this could have been thomas the tank engine what and in many ways it probably should have been but um yeah so the truck the trucks kill percy because percy's like i gotta shunt you around because you're fucking trucks and that's the job. But they hate that. And eventually they push Percy off a cliff into the sea. Into the sea? Yeah, from memory into the sea. Into the fucking sea. But I don't think it's a murder because it's a train.

No, no. It's a destruction of property, if anything. Yeah. Well, what I was wondering with trucks. Hang on. Can property destroy property? If your hammer breaks another hammer but you're not involved who

who's to blame? The hammer I guess. You for buying the hammer? Here's another curious question. This is becoming Thomas the Tank Engine what? But look here we are. Every train is alive and can move of its own volition. Yes?

Yes. Well hang on. But they all have a guy driving them. But can they actually move? Yes, because sometimes Thomas sneaks out. And he's not like, oh, I've got to sneak out. And he's not like, hey, guy who drives me. I was going to say, do they need to be on rails? But if he's sneaking out, is he sneaking out on rails? Yes. I think he's fairly sure there's a ghost and he wants to see it.

On the tracks? Yeah, like a ghost train. Okay, that's fine. Which means a train can die. But hang on, was there a ghost train? No, in the end it was just, I think, like Percy or that cunt Gordon tricking him. So, okay, well, Yes, trains can die because Percy fell into the sea. No, Percy lived.

He survived. With no permanent damage. Percy's fine. So maybe they can't die. No, but Thomas is sure there's a ghost train. So he's sure that... You can't have a ghost without a death. Surely.

I guess not. Something I was wondering is that, like, how do they get new trains? Is one born or do they affix a face? Or do they just build one from the straight, like, ground up? Does that mean that Sir Topham Hatt is, like... God? Is there, like, some fucking Frankenstein shit happening in the island of Sodor? With the vague Thomas the Tank injury knowledge that I have,

Sir Topham Hatt is- The fat controller. Yes. Yeah, but everyone was like, it's rough to call him that, but he's jolly about it. But like, look, people are mad, so he's Sir Topham Hatt now. I guess it's the same way that like Santa's fat, but I think he's fine with being called that.

Yeah, like you're like, Santa's a jolly guy. And he's like, I know. Ho, ho, ho. Like if Santa's not getting hurt by your, you know, shaming off him. You mean both are magical? Yeah. Well, I mean, we don't know if Sir Topham Hatt's magical. Let's just...

Give his birth to... Whoa. Nope. Twist. Nope. Don't want to entertain that idea. Also, just like, this is a total... Before we get too deep into this episode, I just had a look to try and find the list

of the names of the trains. Yeah. And I found something. This is more like a history thing so that's why I wanted to get it out early. When they first tried to broadcast Thomas the Tank Engine,

first of all, they based the first episode off a story called The Sad Story of Henry, which is a rough first episode for kids. Yeah. But it was a live broadcast.

What? And like, so they were filming it live for some reason, but Henry didn't change tracks, so the kids watching saw a giant human hand come down and pick up the train and put it on a different track.

That's wild. That's terrifying. Imagine being a child and you're like, oh, this is a fun story. Ah! Thomas the Tank Engine and also I guess there are giants. I'm trying to think of like... Okay, sorry.

Yeah. Let's circle back to because Thomas the Tank Engine can sneak out. Yes. But he's got a little man inside. But what's the man's purpose? What is the man doing? Are they trying to make sure that they do the right job? Are they trying to be like, you're a train, this is what you do now. Where are their feet? Why do they have

rails? What if he sees something in a meadow that he wants to go see and investigate? He can't, he's on rails. However, Hector the tractor can. There's also a helicopter named Bulgy. No, Harold is the helicopter named Bulgy No Harold is the helicopter Bulgy's a double-decker bus So you'd want to be a bus, not a train So everything in the aisle No

There are also just tractors There's also just trains, isn't there? No, there's not just trains So all the trains are people Some of the carriages are people. All the trains are people. Some of the carriages are people and the odd bus is the bus. And the odd... Does that mean...

No! In many ways, this is like a car's what, but if there were also people in that one. No! Which makes it very strange. Can a man fall in love with a train? Is that tickety-boo? Well, I guess a man could. A train's mouth is so big. But, like, man shouldn't fall in love with a train is that tickety boo? Well, I guess a man could. A train's mouth is so big.

But like man shouldn't fall in love with train. The mouths of those trains are so big they could eat an apple in one bite, I reckon. They're bigger. They could, especially fucking Gordon's fucking big head. He's got that big round, no, square face, doesn't he? No, it's real round. It looks like a moon. Toby's got a square face.

A front of a train. A front of a train is very big. They could eat an apple tree in one go. You could just fill that mouth full of apples. Not just one apple, Jack. I'm talking a crate of apples. What do they eat? I don't know that they do because they don't have a tummy.

But they've got a mouth, Jackson. They talk with a mouth. They've got a mouth, Jackson. They talk with a mouth. They've got a mouth. Look. I'm very unhappy. As far as I know, they don't have a stomach. But, like, whereas the car's body was kind of, like, organic, the train's is very much not.

No. The only thing that a train can move aside from itself forward and backwards and different speeds is its eyes and mouth. Question. Yeah. All right. So I get it. I get a train.

Open his mouth. I climb in the mouth. I don't know. Where do I go? I don't know. What happens next? I think you'll just be in the boiler of the train. Do I go in the boiler?

Well, I'm looking at. Does the boiler need to be on for them to be working? Are they automatrons? They do need coal. They do need coal. Right. Where's the coal? The more I look at them, maybe their mouths don't actually open open.

What? So like there's no hole. Oh, right. Thanks for showing me what a hole in a mouth. There's no hole. Jackson, right. Thanks for showing me what a hole in a mouth is. There's no hole. Jackson, you have no hole? You've got one in your mouth. I see how I put my finger in my mouth. That's a hole.

Potentially. But then, like, mouths don't really work like that in real life. I mean, because I know like, when it comes down to it, I know why I can't see a hole in Thomas the Tank. Nobody wants to see a train's throat. I'm just going to quickly look anatomy of Tom's the Tank Engine, and there's that picture that's been going around for a while

of something weird crawling out of the tank, and I hate it. Yep, that's frankly a worry. Now imagine if it was Gordon. Look at Gordon's fucking cranky fucking... He's so mad. That's the face of a cunt. Oh, yeah, Gordon's such a cunt. Gordon's always like, Thomas, you're a piece of shit.

Fuck you, Percy. You're not a real man. And Percy's like, I'm a train. And then they carry on. They locked up that one train because he didn't want to work. And so they buried him or whatever. Yeah. Do you know about that, Zabit?

No. I know this. All right. So one of thelines in thomas the tank engine is that one of the trains gets a new paint job and then he's scared to leave his tunnel like bay thing yeah uh because he doesn't want the paint to run or get ruined that's fair you know there's raining so then the fat controller bricks up the thing because he won't leave So he has to live in there forever I think he does live in there for quite a while Until they release him When he's happy to work again

That's an Italian horror That is What's that story? The Cask of Monticello Yeah that's a horror story But Sam it's a train That doesn't make it okay. It's effectively immortal.

So like it can stay alive. Thomas' mouth has to move because he's usually smiling, but there's a picture of him going, ooh. Sometimes Thomas is shocked. Something I've realized is quite a few episodes of Thomas the Tank Engine are about one of the trucks or the trains going somewhere, but then getting buried by snow or bricks or something.

And they're always fucking terrified. But that must be because they know that they aren't going to die. So if they get buried, that's it. Forever. There's one episode where Toby drives off like a fucking... Toby the Tram? Toby the Tram. One of my favourite characters. Toby and Mavis.

Look up Mavis. Mavis is fucking great. This is Toby. characters. Toby and Mavis. Look up Mavis. Mavis is fucking great. This is Toby. He's got a number 7 on the side. Mavis takes no shit. Oh, he's alright. He's a square box. Yeah. He was a good...

I had him as a toy. But he always falls off shit and he's very nervous. What does Mavis look like? She's just got like square and like... I think she's like a quarry train. And she just clearly does not give a fuck and it's good. that her yeah no that's not mavis whoever that is they look caught it's like a black carriage but with a real grumpy face okay so mavis thomas the tankard yeah all right so these are the mechanical things it It's not necessarily trains. Mavis.

Yeah, she rules. It's trains, helicopters, bulldozers, a bus. Also a boat. I don't know how they come to life, but they do, and I don't know how they die, but they must. Yes. That's such a scary sentence. I don't know how they come alive, but they do.

And I don't know how they die, but they must. That'd be great. Over like a photo of Thomas the Tank Engine doing the... What do you think life would be like? That's a question. Say the three of us live comfortably on the island of Sodor in a little cottage somewhere. Would you be happy with the fact that there are trained men

and trained women? No, I feel like I'd be like, are they indentured servants? Do they want this? I feel like, what is their rights? Kind of like an AI question almost. Like, what are they? And if they're like, oh no, this is just a new AI, I'd be like, oh, cool.

But then if they're like, oh, it's enslaved something, I'd be like, oh shit then if they're like oh it's enslaved something i'd be like oh shit i've been using that for so long this is making me uncomfortable thank you isle of soda government this is not okay get an actual train uh can one of you try and find you already have actual trains why do you have these guys isle of of Soda, what are you doing? Can one of you try and find, like, if there is any, like, I don't have my phone with me, unfortunately, but if there's anything about how they come to be, the trains? All right.

How was Thomas the tank engine born? Okay. I'm thinking if you have, like, the face, right? They all have that same face. So if you sliced off that face... It'd just be a train. Could you then grab that face and put it on something else? Ah!

So maybe it's just... That's like fan theory time, I guess. That the face is just like a... That's the AI. And you can just plug that onto whatever train you want, and you'll... But then why would you put that on a truck? That then becomes troublesome?

Like... And then kills Percy. And, like, Thomas has two... Here's a weird fucking thought. So let's assume that the trains of the island of Sodor, right, are indentured servants or slaves. Yep. Thomas the Tank Engine has two wives, basically,

which are his two carriages called Annie and Clarabel. That's right, they've got carriages. Why would you put a face on a carriage? But why does Thomas get, that's like, that's servants having servants, right? Those carriages can't do anything without Thomas. No, I'm saying, look here, what's the point of those carriages? Because they can't move. No.

They can't move. No. They can't. They're just basically giving Thomas pep talks. You're doing all right. Yeah, yeah. You're a very good engine or whatever they always call him. Hey, if you stabbed Thomas's grey face, do you think it would bleed? It would bleed black for sure.

Absolutely. There's that truck. Imagine like a fucking Island of Sodor train crash. And it's Thomas's face and he just opens his mouth and like black liquid comes like. That's very easy to imagine. Easy. Yeah. I think he'd bleed.

I think absolutely he'd bleed. I think they'd all bleed. Annie and Clarabelle. If they can bleed, they can die. Yes. I think absolutely he'd bleed. I think they'd all bleed. Annie and Clarabel. If they can bleed, they can die. Yes. I reckon he could do better. Than Annie and Clarabel. I don't know if they're technically his wives.

But they can do better. He's a train. Where's he gonna go? To a pub? Unless there's a railway road straight to the pub. No, I meant better carriages. They just look naggy. I'm fairly sure that two trains do fall in love as well. That's not good. That's an option for the trains in the Isle of Sodor.

That's like your hammer falling in love with another hammer. I hate it. It is wrong. Okay, Zamit, do you like a hammer falling in love with another hammer or a hammer falling in love with a drill better? Neither are good. What about... No, okay. So it's like a screwdriver falling in love with a drill better. Neither are good. What about... No, okay.

So it's like a screwdriver falling in love with another screwdriver or a screwdriver falling in love with a screw. Yeah, that's true. Because if Annie and Clarabel love Thomas, the tank engine... That's screwdriver screw situation. That's a screwdriver screw.

No, that's screw... Yeah, yeah, screwdriver screw. But if Annie and Clarabel fall in love, well, that's screw screw. Both of them, like... But then if it was Gordon and Thomas. My issue isn't with hammer and nail. Screwdriver, screwdriver.

Or like hammer and hammer. My issue is just with it all. No train should be falling in love with another train. An inanimate object should not feel love. What about if it's... I guess if they're on a train tracks. They'll never meet they got nothing to look yeah they got nothing to look forward to now let him have love i've

turned around is it touching it is it touching the um is that like boning for them fucking yeah i don't think so because otherwise they're just fucking the carriages or whatever they're like i'm gonna move this coal i guess i'm fucking the shit out of the coal along the train line and also every time you're in a carriage and Thomas hooks up and makes a like, you're going to be like, I went off this train. Are they passenger trains? Yeah, yeah. Some are, some aren't.

It depends on what their job is for the day. They get given different jobs and they all live together in like, whatever you call it, a train house. Trainyard? Trainyard, that's the ticket. And they all live together there, except for like some who, you know, live in fields or

whatever. Hang on, live in fields? Oh, like the tractor does. He lives in a field. Okay. Not a train that's gone off its rails. No. Except his image of like Thomas somehow like walking with his...

I'm glad that doesn't happen. He wouldn't be able to turn. He's so stiff. What kind of life is that, though? Like, you're so trapped. Yeah, absolutely. It's terrible for the trains, but worse for the carriages. Because once Thomas goes to bed, he has the option of sneaking out.

Also, he can look at things. Or the carriage is looking at Thomas' arsehole, assuming he has an arsehole. I don't think anything exits. I think his steam stack is his anus. But yeah, say they put Annie or Clarabel to bed, that's them done. Yeah.

They just can't move. They're paralyzed. Let's sneak out. Damn, I need a train to pull me. If Sir Topham Hatt has given these trains and these carriages life, he's a monster, right? Like, yeah. Especially to give them life and then to be like,

you're not a very good engine, Thomas. And Thomas is like, you made me. Make me better next time. Yeah. Not just that. Like, it's also the government or the council of Soda are all happy with this. Yeah.

They're all like, sick. That's great. And especially if the rest of the UK or the rest of the world isn't doing it. Do we see the rest of the world? Well, what I have a vague memory of is sometimes trains come in from the rest of the UK or the rest of the world isn't doing it. Do we see the rest of the... Well, what I have a vague memory of is sometimes trains come in from the rest of the world. And they're like the fucking...

Or they have faces. They have faces. Everyone's okay with this. So there are two trains that have Irish accents. I had a quick look when I just did some research. Yeah. The Island of Sodor is in the Irish Sea. Oh, okay.

Cool. Cool. Good. Also, what I mentioned before. Someone's put a flashlight on top of Thomas' tank engine. Oh, yeah. That's not good. Don't fuck Thomas.

Don't fuck Thomas. He doesn't want it. Yeah. So the sad story of Henry. Yeah. The story I mentioned before, which was the first thing and they fucked up. That's the story we're talking about. Henry's the idiot who doesn't want to go out on the train.

So the very first story is Henry getting locked in. And the whole thing is that like... So the first story is kids watching this guy being like, I don't want to go to work. They see the hand of God come and be like, you're on the wrong path, young train.

This is the path to follow. You're going to jail. If you're going to work, we're locking you up. How long did it say he was locked up for? It's kind of indefinitely because it ends with him wondering if he'll ever be allowed to work again, and the soot and the ash from him being a steam train but in a tunnel wrecks his paint anyway.

The episode's called The Sad Story of Henry but then later on it was retitled Come Out Henry. Well, fuck me, I guess. That's just horrifying. That's less a plumbing thing though and just a funny thing. Would you do anything about it?

If Henry was giving you off? No, you lived on the island of Sodor. Would you campaign? Maybe. I think it depends how much I knew about them. I'd march on Washington.

If they're like, this is an AI, I could be like, okay, but they're treating them not like AI. I don't think they're AIs.

Because if they're AI, you don't need to punish an AI. That's true. It's fucked up if you do. My computer got a virus, so I took

its screen away from it. My computer got a virus, so I took its screen away from it. My computer got a virus, so I put it in the freezer. That'll learn it. I'm going to bury my laptop, teach it a lesson. So they're not AI. Imagine fucking Master Chief with Cortana. Oh, bet wrong advice on where you're going. In the bin.

But drink this bin juice. Do it. Does that mean if they're not AI? So then we got two other options, both equally terrifying. One is magic. Yeah. And the other is that they just evolved like that. Well, okay.

I've got a new theory. All right. So there's a narrator. And this comes from the sad story of Henry, because again, this description is fucked. What if the narrator is, like, a god, and he has created the trees? So what if... Which beetle does the narration? Ringo Starr.

Ringo Starr is the god. Yeah, Ringo Starr and briefly fucking... What's his face? Fucking... He was in 30 Rock. What's his name? Alec Baldwin? Alec Baldwin. We're god.

Yeah, because, like, the way that the Henry thing happens is that, so his paint gets ruined, his fire's gone out, and he's left in the tunnel, cold, dirty, lonely, and very sad. He now wonders if he is allowed to pull trains again. He'll ever be allowed to pull trains again. However, as the narrator states, Henry deserved his punishment. However, as the narrator states, Henry deserved his punishment. I really like this world where God gave trains sentience.

And then punishes them. Like, what a fucking nightmare. Imagine if in our world now, all of a sudden the trains just, like, grew faces and were like, I'm alive. Help. It must have been a while when the Island of Sodor which just screams. Well, I guess like the way to deal with Thomas the Tank Engine

in real life is just like I guess just drop the faces off. Bottomize the trains. Actually, maybe. I mean, no. If you slice off the train's face

like we said I don't think it goes in. Maybe is that what the little guy's in there for? What? Is that they're constantly making sure that they don't have any thoughts of uprising or leaving. So they're there to be as sort of not a computer programmer, but almost like a lobotomy?

Like maybe inside, because the train does run on coal inside they've also got like a bucket of water just to be like I'll put you out Thomas I'll put you out and you'll be fucking dead Remember what fucking happened to Henry Thomas? He deserved his punishment I used to be afraid of the trains but now I sympathise

with them. Where is Thomas' brain? Is it like if he opens you know you've got like the big coal compartment he opens up like another little one that's just a fleshy brain in there gotta keep that moist just spray it there we go that's how you keep a train running well you gotta keep it warm yeah we probably i'm guessing it's like an iron kind of looking brain, surely. That needs to be heated up. And if they need the heat, then I guess they're cold-blooded. So I'm guessing if they're...

Two trains of blood, even if they are alive. Oh, we decided that they were going to bleed black. We decided that if you cut Thomas on the face, he bleeds black. Which would be very easy to do, because all you've got to do is be like, I've put you in break, Thomas. And this raises another very... So they're reptiles, yeah? Ah, flaws.

I was going to say, this raises another very upsetting point of like... So the train feels like the train, but his face would feel flashy? Yeah. What does it feel like at the joint? That's what I want to know. I feel like it would feel like skin has just been stretched over metal. Yeah, that's what I want to know. I feel like it would just feel like the skin has just been stretched over metal. Yeah, that's what I was thinking as well.

Imagine if you could unscrew the face. I'd put it in the bin. In the sea. Imagine somebody goes to Sir Topham Hart's house and like one room is just full of faces. Oh, we gotta train it. Screw the face on.

Alternatively, it's like, this is the bad train room. Any train does a crime, we take its face. Put it in this room. It's like jails, but also like the death penalty. It's like jail,

but also like hell. So. Uh-huh. Now, there's a theory that went around I looked into after our cars What happened Yeah And it was about how the cars Were actually evolved insects

Okay yeah And that the cars Like the outer thing was just their carapace Sure And that kind of made a bit of sense I am just wondering if it is that So the trains are bugs? But There's humans around And that kind of made a bit of sense. I am just wondering if it is that. So the trains are bugs?

But there's humans around now. Oh, so this is like a Cars sequel. Prequel. Oh. Oh! So. It was human folly that let the car's world happen. Because the trains got faces and we were like, this is excellent.

Instead of like, oh, no. Can you imagine a world where we'd kill all the... Like, you kill a train, but you can still use it as a train. So every train is driving around with a dead face. So how about this? Imagine the train as it is. There's a picture on Wikipedia of the train that it was designed after. That's scary because it looks like it is Thomas Tank Engine,

but someone has taken off its face. Imagine a giant insect-like creature has come in, landed on that, screwed off the face of the original train, and just crawled in there and is now like, see, this is where I live. What if it's not an insect but like an evolved hermit crab? Yeah. Oh.

Like that. And, like, Thomas eventually will get too big and they'll have to get a new train for him to swap. Gordon. They're like, Gordon, I'm sorry. You're not a very useful engine. And they unscrew his face. That's like the kind of thing they have to keep secret from the public

because I would never go on a train if I found out it was secretly a hermit crab so we're talking like it's like a well what's maybe the trains are the biggest one because you got a tractor a boat boats you big motherfucker no it's like a barge it's about as big as Gordon

alright he dies as well or he gets doomed the barge or he gets doomed. The barge? The sink? He gets, what happens is that he's a cunt, and a lot of them are angry, but like, wouldn't you be? And everyone hates him. And then I think the troublesome trucks again,

who are just like psychopaths. They like push stuff off a cliff, again, not Percy, but like other shit onto the barge and the barge yeah i think his name's bulgy no that was the fucking double anyway the barge gets crushed and then he washes up on a beach and he's like covered in sand and children are playing on him and that's like his life for the rest of his life for that for that boat but yeah so like if a crab a terrifying hermit crab had climbed in him, I don't really know where I'm going with this, but it's a nightmare, frankly.

Yeah. Because also like then they don't crawl out. Why not? Do they get stuck? Do they grow and then it is too big to free this hermit-like creature? Do they have to then cut open the train? Maybe. Like it's, but then why?

How come the collars don't cook them? Are they like immune to fire? Unless they're like salamanders Born of flame They're like a medieval witch Maybe Well like Why if they are terrifying hermit crab ghouls

Why is everybody on the island of Soto Just allowing it? Are they scared of them? I would be. Unless they're small and they got in all the trains when they were little and they've grown and as they grew that became their outer shell. And that's their max size. And they can

control the train so I'm guessing they're like, it's not just like that tunnel or whatever where that body would go. They've like seeped into the gears and shit. It's the kind of thing where you just can't remove it without killing it wait no there's a man in it's head then yeah yeah

like inside it's head well yeah but there's one inside Thomas' head no but that's what I mean like are they in the head or in the carriage bit like near the front they're in the carriage bit some trains have their eyes on the smokestack though some were born wrong also I don't think there's anybody in Harold the helicopter Some trains have their eyes on the smokestack, though. Some were born wrong.

Also, I don't think there's anybody in Harold the helicopter. You never see anyone get out or in. Yeah, he's got no holes. He's just a helicopter. I still think the little man there, I think he's there either for our protection or the train's protection. I think he's probably, like we said, he's got coal and a brain. I think he's also got a gun in there, and if the train's protection. Someone's protection. I think he's probably, you know, like we said, he's got coal and a brain.

I think he's also got a gun in there. And if the train ever goes awry, he just shoots it in the head and they bury it somewhere so that it can't cause any more trouble. Train graveyard. I like to imagine they've just got a track that just like goes off a cliff. Like into the sea. Yeah, into the sea. That's like the best place for them.

Our hermit crab theory actually falls apart, though, with carriages. Yes. Because like the troublesome trucks are just full of coal. So like there's like this much, you know, there's like not even a fucking foot. Yeah, there's a tiny space for them to be. For the hermit crab to live. Okay, so it can't be organic.

That's scrapped. I think it's just magic. I think magic is the best. AI. Tech. But like, whose? They've been around for so long. I don't know. Alien tech. Magic is just simply advanced technology that we don't know about. Thomas the Tank. Any

Thomas the Tank engine sufficiently enough is magic. Because I'm just thinking if you can get something right of like a portable AI. Yeah. Fuck, the troublesome trucks are cunts. Fuck. Yeah, they're cunts.

Yeah, they're dickheads. So like you grab like whatever it is, think like a disc and then you put it on something and then it just transforms that into that thing. It's kind of like an all spark in the Transformers universe. So you could put it theoretically on a car and that car will grow a face. But to what end?

I don't know. Like, I like it as a theory, but I just can't figure out what anyone gets out of it. I don't know. Like, it would be fine if there was no one in the train. Unless they're just like a technician. I think they're there for just in case things go awry.

You know, it's like how we have self-driving cars. Yeah. Or we're trying to get self-driving cars. We also have to have someone there in case things go awry. Maybe you're that. Maybe that's what the purpose of any conductor in a train is. Which would be a cushy fucking job. Oh, yeah. In terms of living on the island of Sodor. Is it Isle or Island?

Island, I think. Island. No, Isle. Isle. Isle of Sodor. I think it's just called Sodor and it is an island. Yeah. Okay, living on Sodor, I think the best job would be a train driver.

No, absolutely. Driver slash technician slash bodyguard slash. Slash potential murderer if the need arises. I have a theory. Yeah. And it's similar to the one you have with your car's what theory, but I think this one's a little more watertight. All right. It does feature spoilers of a film that is currently out. That's fine.

That's okay. Apologies for any Transformers fans out there. I got a doozy of a theory. Oh, yeah. All right. So in Transformers The Last Knight, it's revealed that humans made Cybertron. Yes.

And that Earth is actually Omnicron. Yes. Unicron. Unicron. Not Omnicron. Unicron. Omnicron. Omnicron's a...

Omnicron. The all-crom. The Omnicron. All right. Omnicron. So humans at some pointrome. All right. Omnichrome. So humans at some point have time traveled but also made Transformers. Sure. You can get inside a Transformer and it's a robot as well.

So what if the prototypes to the original Transformers that humans made were vehicles you could ride in but also had sentience? Like perhaps a train. sentience. Like, perhaps a train. Well, when you think about it, like, if you're designing a vehicle that you want to kind of have it automated, you don't want it being wily and going off and having adventures.

Having a train, like railways, it's good. It's like they can't go anywhere. Manageable. And even like, even tractors and stuff like that, like that can't... Helicopters are a bit scary helicopter seems like it's the next step and boat you're like boys helicopters and boats are like they must have come after that but like if you go like trains carriages tractors because tractors have more freedom but also like there's a trash like if we are to assume that somewhere in the island

of soda there's like a like a hq where are designing the trains. They'll have on a map like, oh, the tractor's loose, but like... We can get it. It's an island. Where could it possibly be? In the sea. It pushed Percy off. I like that because...

Why do they hate each other? I like to imagine them being like, okay, we've got another murder. I don't know why so many of them are turning out cunts. I don't understand. The Decepticons. Yeah, exactly. That's what I meant. Gordian is a Decepticon.

The proto-Decepticon, I guess. It's like the Troublesome Chucks. Decepticons. They're looking to bring around the doom of humanity. It makes sense. There's something appealing about like having to kill a train But keep it secret from the general public Of the island of Sodor Or like a tractor's got loose

So you take it into a field with a shotgun And people are like what's happening in there Nothing you saw nothing It's so funny to imagine Even video games and stuff like that do it. Like when a car's dead, it explodes. It's like shooting a train once, and then it's just like...

There is something very appealing about driving a dead train. Like it coming into the station with its face like... It's just lobotomized. Is that train dead? Nearly. Almost. Not quite.

Getting it. Also, see, I really like the idea of driving a train off a cliff to get rid of it. Especially because it'd be like, where are we going, douche? Douche, douche. Ah! Ah! No!

You'd have to just build the rails to the edge. Yeah, yeah, so you build the rails to the edge and I imagine there'd be a little jump. I like that heaps of this episode has been like, how do we kill them? Here's what they are and how do we kill them? Well, that's the thing you've got to discuss. Spray their coal brain. Yes, get the coal brain nice and dry. Maybe we should call this episode, Who is Thomas the Tank Engine and How Do We Kill Him?

We've got some ideas. Because it can't be an insect. It can't be a reptile. It can't be an organic thing. It needs to be a transformer. A transformer. A proto-transformer. Or like something of the like.

Because anything else, you're right, it doesn't make any sense. I hope that Thomas escapes Earth and makes Cybertron. I hope that they come to the aid of the transformers in the next movie we need your help thomas and thomas is like i'm on tracks so then they like fairly limited movement it's like no you've only you're on tracks because they want you to think you're on tracks touch his forehead and it's like... And then he's a dude. I'm imagining a big Thomas with spider legs. I've seen that.

Yeah, I think there's like a fake transformer that is Thomas the Tank Engine and co. Yeah, there's like a very short video on the internet and it's always like, it's posted as like a meme where it's like when things go from zero to 100 and it's like the guys from Team Fortress sitting in a truck and then Thomas the Tank Engine pulls up and then the lights go green and then the Thomas the Tank Engine

theme starts playing but like very distorted and very loud and then he just gets up with legs and picks up their truck and just smashes it that's frightening that's very frightening I'm comforted knowing that we could kill them if need be

and I'm comforted knowing that we could kill them if need be. Probably not all of them and I'm comforted knowing that they can't kill us probably. I don't think you're killing them, you're just sort of Disabling them? Yeah. You're trapping them for a while. You're basically kind of doing like a curse for a thousand years being like, yes, they're done.

And then in a thousand years, your descendants are like, look! Somebody finds them and they're like, hey, trains with faces. So we Prometheus them. I really like that that must mean that the, because the trains do like move people and coal. So that means that the economy, like the reason that they're not killed

is that the economy relies so much. Imagine if you killed all of the trains on the island of Sodor. Now you have to get real trains. Yeah, that's the thing is you've got you got to teach people how to actually drive a train. That's going to take a while. Question. What is the benefit of having a train that drives itself

versus just having trains, even though you're already having a little man in a train that drives itself? I assume it must be because... Is it a skill source shortage? But there are a lot of people on the island of Sodor. See, I would say that... I think Turton has just a shady guy.

There's no benefits because, like... I've never seen another real train. Okay, so they're all... But there are real cars. Yeah. But, yeah, like... There are real tractors. Yeah.

That must be fuck, seeing another tractor that's not... Especially knowing you're one of the alive ones. Yeah. Well, no, it would be like if we see an AI, like in real life, a robot. Yeah, well, because if they see us. Or like if somebody made like a... No, no, no, because we're Thomas the Tank Engine.

Yeah. Yeah. No, wouldn't it be like if somebody made like a human but didn't give it a brain? Like if we saw a human that never had a soul. Or a face. Or a face. I guess it's like if we're seeing mannequins.

Being like, ah, spooked. But a mannequin that someone drives and somebody drives you and you're like, what's that person? But also like that mannequin does the same job as me. Yeah. Yeah. Think you're so funny, mannequin? Just this studio, but everyone's just a mannequin saying nothing.

And we're like, God, look at them doing our job. Fuck, they're good at this. Is this like a commentary on the age of the machine? Destroying the middle class? Is this what this is? Is that what Thomas was? There's also a Thomas the Tank Engine movie where all the trains had American accents for some reason.

be. All the trains had American accents for some reason. And from memory, there was like a magic station in the mountains of America somewhere. Okay, so we got magic. Magic is the answer. That's fantastic.

Good. How'd they get to America? I think that train did. Fuck it, they flew. Who cares? They're magic. No, hang on. Oh, God. If I'm remembering this right, it raises further questions. So from memory, there's a regular train in the station, like a regular train. Yeah.

And the station has a portal to Sodor in it. And when the train goes through the portal, she develops a face and a gender. So that means that maybe Sodor does not exist necessarily in this earth. And if they want a train with a face, they have to bring it by dark druidic magic. What if I went through the portal as a man? What would happen? You'd get like a big round face on your belly. Feed me coal.

No. I'm a very useful zammit. You try and peel it off, you can't. It's Cronenbergian. That's fucked. I like that. Yeah. I mean, I reckon that portal takes you to Cybertron.

I'm not letting go of this. I reckon I'm on to a winner. You got it watertight. I don't know. I mean, they used to get fed on coal, and then that just developed into... Fuck, what do they eat? What do...

Purple cubes. Fuck, I had it. I didn't know that the Transformers ate... Oh, Energon, wow. Yeah. Energon and coal are not that different. Not that different. One's just cleaner energy.

Basically. Better dinosaurs die. Yeah. They get crushed down and become energon. How does Grimlock cope knowing that, like, fuel was once he? Well, Grimlock is not an actual dinosaur. No, but he'd take the form of a dinosaur, I guess. And he's also sometimes stupid.

Does that mean if you push Thomas back through the portal, he'd lose his face? What if we went through the portal? We'd lose our faces, assuming we we went through the portal? Well, he'd lose our faces. Assuming we were born on the island of Sodor. Which is fucked, because, like, assume they're two dimensions, right, that are, like, next to each other

in the dimension part. Hang on. I like the idea that, just before you sit on that, trying to... I like that his helmet walks through the portal, gets a face on his stomach, and then he's like fuck, but then he's like, it's alright, I'll go back through the portal and it takes his face on his head. Damn it! And like, his face goes

No, wrong face! Head back out, two faces on his belly. One on the belly, one on the back. This is worse! Why? So, the trains that go through the portal, are they like because you're saying that there's sometimes trains from London

And they rock up with faces Yes Are they them? What? Are you saying there's a portal from London to Sodor? No because the portal's in the mountains in America Is there more than one portal is what I'm asking Presumably

My brain just turned off Because I tried to imagine what it would be like To have literally eyes on my back as well. And then I, like, because, you know, like when you see. Yeah. Like, if you were seeing both forward and backwards at the same time, that would be the most disorientating thing. No, you get used to it.

Yeah, but not, imagine if all of a sudden. Oh, yeah, if you had suddenly back vision, yes, it would be a very traumatizing thing. What would be fucked is, like, the first time you go through the portal backwards, but it's just black because it's on your stomach in clothes. You're like, why have I got darkness at the edge of my eye? I'm a very useful douche. You just start stabbing it.

You'd have to cut it off with a kitchen knife. Stanley knife, I reckon. Maybe just like a welder. So what we've got to assume is that there must be portals all over Our earth That lead to Sodor that Okay here's my theory So Topham Hatt he's got the failing island of Sodor

Nobody's coming And nobody knows how to drive a train But then he discovers portals Through which he steals trains from our world Or develops some kind of Shady deal with our world's government. When the trains come through, they develop faces, and he puts them to work because they've got no rights in his world. And if they come back into our world, well, they've got no face.

So they go back to... I have this feeling, though, that the train in America was alive. It just didn't have a face. What was the question? How would you live? Peacefully in a cottage away from technology. I would take a bike everywhere. I'm not taking the train.

I will bicycle or take a not alive bus. I will walk wherever I need to go. I'd apply for a job at that train station, but I'd try and be the undertaker. The man who gets to drive the trains off the cliff. I would take hitman jobs, but on trains. Like I'd hide on like a hill nearby and as the train came by, I'd shoot it in the face. Hang on, question. Yeah.

If the train isn't alive and it goes to the portal. Yeah. How does it go to the portal? Someone would have to drive. Oh, no. What if it's a fusion? Oh, no. I see what's a fusion? Oh, no. I see what you mean.

It's like the fly. Yeah. This is Cronenberg now. A man's like, hey, what's this portal? I'm just driving my train. Idea. Kill me. Or theory.

It's like. Put me in this tunnel. I don't want to leave. It's like. My pants are dry. We need some new trains in the Isle of Sodor. This is a really good job. It's very lucrative.

It's fly in, fly out. Very easy. Basically, we have you in a contract for five, six years, or ten years, whatever. You just have to go through this portal, and then you do your work for ten years, you come back out, and you're sweet. So you know the deal. You're like, honey, honey i'm gonna spend 10 years as a train yeah and it's like but at the end of it i'm gonna be real i'm going train anymore you come in and

you're like i hate this but you're on a contract you can never leave all i have going for me is a new paint job and i'm feeling very good about that And I don't want to get it ruined And then they just break you up What pisses me off about that story is that Because you're a person You think you can't go to work You signed the contract I just imagine them being like my 10 years up

And Topham Hatt being like sorry You're like my 10 years up and he just gets the contract and tears it And he's like you're a train motherfucker You're a train for life It up? And he just gets the contract and tears it. He's like, you're a train, motherfucker. You're a train for life. It's why we get so many new ones, but we never see the old one leave. Exactly. He just takes the... It's a hell.

I think I'd be scared of ever becoming a train. And maybe it's like, say, the carriage or whatever. It's just like, maybe a loved one or someone coming like, oh, I'll do it with you. It'll be good like they're like i need to find out what happened to them and they're like oh i am also a train now i am a carrot well that's also explains why most of the trains are cunts or at least sad yeah because like even thomas himself like they're all just so sad all the time yeah absolutely like why am i here i had it was meant to only be like a three-month stint. I've been here for eight years. I'm going to kill another one.

Maybe I'll help by like freeing that from. Maybe if I push him off a cliff, he'll explode. That'll free him. And then maybe someone will push me off the same cliff. Imagine like just chilling like in front of, I don't know, Thomas is at the station and you're there waiting for someone, but you're up near Thomas's face and Thomas is like, psst. You're like, huh? He's like, kill me.

Just do it, just do it, do it. Just do it quickly, no one's looking. How? I've got no arms. The little man in my head is gone. You need to come in here and shut off the call. Okay, just make my brain dry out. Get inside me, drive me off a cliff. Thomas, I can't.

Imagine lying in bed knowing you had that conversation with one of the trackies. Please. No, you can't. What do you mean you can't? You can't or you won't. Can't or won't, can't or won't. Oh, welcome back.

Ready for another day of working. The helicopter's got it easy. You can just cramp buckle. The helicopter can just go. The helicopter can come to our world and be like, you've got to save some people. We need to mount an army to free the trains of Sodor.

And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. And that was a hell of a journey. Choo-choo. Choo-choo. Choo-choo, motherfucker. Off a cliff, into the sea I'm free now

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Kisses. you