Plumbing the Death Star - What Would Turn You to the Dark Side (Ft. Simon Taylor)

Episode Date: November 10, 2019

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Sands Pants Radio,com on January 1st 2020. All you have to do is sign up to SandsPantsPlus.com at any level from now until January 31st and you'll get access to the complete playthrough New Year's Morn. Get in quick because come February it'll only be available to SandsPants Kings. So just head to sandspansplus.com today and sign up so you can enter the new year listening to the terrible atrocities that Adam and Cass unleash onto an unsuspecting dinosaur land. Hi, I'm Simon Taylor and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the most important questions in the galaxy, such as what would

turn you to the dark side? Personally, I think I would appreciate the stability. It seems for being... Wait, wait, hang on. What are we clarifying as the dark side? The actual dark side. Like Sith? The Sith?

Am I becoming a Sith or could I just become a Storm Truder? Truder. Storm Truder. Like an intruder, but you storm the place. Okay, look. Got some policies for the dark side. As the emperor, I'm coming in, and look, I know intruding is on the rise, so we're just going to streamline that.

Everyone get an outfit. Okay. There are always, every new Star Wars introduces a new variety of stormtrooper. I will be a stormtrooper. Stormtrooper. And I intrude. Well, you try to intrude, but you miss the entry point. I'm just slamming into the door like a fly trying to get out of a house.

That's exactly a stormtrooter. Because I would like to be a cog in the machine, you know, and I feel like the dark side can give me that. But that's just the Empire or the First Order. That's not necessarily the dark side. I think you've got to be a Sith. Well, the Sith has a lot of structures. I'm also a man with no allegiance to anything.

Okay. Would you kill younglings? Sure. Easy. For stability. In a heartbeat. Oh, my God. Little kids think they're better than me?

Just because they've got midichlorians or whatever? You want a regular job, you want a bit of structure. And if they're like, hey, to get this structure, you're going to need to ice some younglings. I'm going to be like, if that's what it takes, that's what it takes. It's very funny if I've gone into this assuming I'll be a storm trooper and they're like, okay, Jackson,

so we're training you in the ways of the Sith. Wait, what? No, no, no, no, no, no. It's not that crazy an idea. I mean, there are water companies who poison people in Flint. Hey, that's true. And, you know, lots of people dying, and then they've got a steady job, though, paying the bills.

Hey, it works. It gets you there. Yeah, so I think a lot of people have already done this. If it gets the job done, you know. A lot of the Stormtroopers in Star Wars don't really seem to have, like, a massive handle on the ideal. I guess it's the Empire. I've got to separate the Empire and the Dark Side in my mind.

Yeah, you really do. Because, again, it's just evil cunts being evil. The situation, I assume, is that I'm just a Stormtrooper. Stormtrooter, sorry. Stormtrooter. You've trooded on every meeting. It's my job in the Empire. There are important galactic meetings going on. Like the Galactic Senate or whatever. Are you walking? You've done, you've truited on every meeting. It's my job in the Empire, they're like,

there are important galactic meetings going on, like the Galactic Senate or whatever. Are you walking? And I burst in. Hey, I'm looking for the... And then I just distract everybody before the big vote. Is this the bathroom? No, no, no.

Who are you again? Is this where I take a shit? Wow, this place is big. Please, sir, you are lost. What? This is the Empire, not the Interrupt Pie. Get out of here. Act a bit lost and a bit deaf.

What? Please, sir, could you leave? Take your helmet off. I can't hear you. You're going to have to calm down. And then by the time the vote's going, everybody's just like, who the fuck was that guy? Because we're stormtroopers, they can never trace it back to me.

That's pretty good. But then I assume Palpy, or Sheev, as he's for some reason known. Oh, Sheev. Sheev v. Palpatine. What a guy. He's like, Jackson, you're swimming with midichlorians. You're riddled with them. You are just sick with midichlorians.

On anyone else, this would be great. On you, we think it might be cancerous. We think you might be in trouble Every time you shit, that shit has the same amount of midichlorians as a regular Jedi Am I going to die? No, but you'll make a good Sith And then I get trained I guess I'd enjoy the stability of that

Is there stability? No, I think there's instability because there can only be two. Oh, that's true. So you've got to kill your master. That's crazy. I'm asking that day one. The lesson I get where Palpatine's like, so, hey, how you doing?

Welcome to Sith class. There can only be two Siths. My hand is going to rocket into the air. Do I have to eventually kill you? Oh, yeah. I'm looking here. It's Darth Sidious' speech on selecting a Sith apprentice. Can you give me that speech and I will put my hand up if I have questions?

Choose someone as a successor and you will inevitably be succeeded. I have a question. Yes, Mr. Bailey. Do I get your stuff? Is that what it's meant by successor? Choose someone hungrier than you and you will be devoured I have a question Yes, Mr Bailey

What do you mean by hungry? As in lust for power Oh, okay, no, I get it, carry on Choose someone quicker and you won't dodge the blade But yes Oh, hey, sorry to interrupt I'm just one of those storm intruders This is my first day of the job

Oh, man I missed my whole job. Sorry, guys. Is there anything I could get you guys? I wish I was a storm intruder again. You're really living up to that. Yeah, sorry, guys. It's just the first day.

Sorry, I'll be back later. See, that's what I should be doing, Palpatine. Storm intruder. Choose someone with more patience than you were. I'm sorry to interrupt. I just, oh, wait, this is the same room. Sorry, I'll be right back. I think you might have fucked up, Palpatine.

I don't have more patience than you. If anything less, I'm already bored. Choose someone more devious. Oh, maybe. And you'll hold the blade that kills you. Choose someone more clever, and you'll never know your error. I've become distracted by this point. I've got my face pressed up against the glass

I'm looking outside at the spaceships Despite these cautions An apprentice is essential A master without an apprentice What's the point? A master of nothing That's good if Sheev looks up Maybe that would be better

Maybe I should be a master of fucking nothing There's been some points I think In the whole history of Sith Where they've got a master of fucking nothing. There's been some points, I think, in the whole history of Sith where they've got a group of Sith trainers or trainees, and then suddenly they're like, no, two is better. Two is pretty good. That's what we want, really. But there is the whole rule of two. We'll go with that as the most kind of,

we all kind of understand what a Sith trainer is. Everybody knows there's got to be two Sith, and then eventually one kills the other, like crabs in a bucket. I guess that does... I mean, there is sort of a bit of stability for you. I know in my future I'm killing Sheev. Sheev knows in his future I'm killing him. Exactly.

And we accept it with a Buddha-like card. Yeah, because it's going to be like, I'm going to train you to the best of my ability, and if you do kill me, well, you are ready. It's very funny. I was imagining killing him with you know, like a meat tenderizer and like being above him in bed and him waking up and being like, do it with lightning! Do it with lightning!

Bam, bam, bam, bam! Being above him, but you need the high ground. I don't actually get the only two Sith, like in the whole galaxy or just couples and they're not. I see that's the idea. But it was in Knights of the Old Republic. I get maybe in the whole galaxy, or they're just two couples and they're not? But it was in Knights of the Old Republic. Maybe that's not canon, but I don't know.

It's all legends now. What seems weird to me is that, like... It was some dickhead that did the whole... Wasn't that... I don't know. Darth Bane. Darth No Good. He probably had some dumb fucking... Darth Bane was the one that was like,

there should be only two. No more. Do you get an evil name when you become a Sith or do you get. Okay. So I wouldn't be Darth Jackson. No. I'd be Darth. Rise Darth something.

Yeah. It'd be like Neil shitty Jedi. Darth Truder. Rise Darth Truder. Palpatine getting annoyed because I keep going back to storm truding jackson we have training but this is all i know yeah apparently the rule of two is that uh one to embody power and the other to crave it that's all okay but what seems weird to me about the two sith rule is that i don't know if you can control when a Sith appears. What if you just get a Jedi in the Outer Rim

and that Jedi becomes like a bad person? Goes rogue. Yeah, goes rogue and becomes a Sith and then the other two Sith are like, well, one of us has got to die. I'm going to jump out this window because unfortunately another Sith has popped up and this is the arbitrary rule we live by.

Maybe I don't like the Sith. Palpatine is like, hey, no, rule of one now. Now it's me. Now it's just one boy. But there was a time where- One boy Palpatine. There was Palpatine, Dooku, and Darth Maul was still around. Yeah.

So I don't think this rule is correct. I think it's just- It's a public facing rule. It's guidelines. Right. But is Sith actually like a faction of the dark side? Well, yeah And they're like, we're the Sith, anyone else can be part of the dark side

But you're not a Sith You can be a bad Jedi Okay But we don't count you You could use the dark side There's a master apprentice in terms of Sith Lords You can all be a bit evil So if I was like, I don't know, I'm Darth Terrible or something.

And they were like, no, you're not. You're just a bad Jedi. And I was like, no, I'm a Sith. And they're like, no, you're not. We got two. You're not a Sith. So you can join the dark side, but you don't have to be a Sith. You don't have to be part of the Empire. Do you have to have a red lightsaber? Could I keep my lightsaber whatever colour it

was? If you're Samuel L. Jackson, you can. Yeah, that's true. He has a purple one. That's true. Just because he wanted one. I reckon you could. I reckon you could be like, I don't like this. I like to imagine my lightsaber.

I don't even like a lightsaber. Give me a gun. I like to imagine. Not a laser gun. I want a Glock. Give me a Glock. Give me a Glock. I'm going to carry a piece.

No one's prepared for that in Star Wars. Oh, my God, that was an actual bullet. Everybody run. He got shot and it's not cauterized. It went straight through the lightsaber. Oh no. The damage level of a laser beam is sort of

arbitrary, but a bullet, that's pretty serious. Very clear. We know what's going on there. I like to imagine my lightsaber. You know in the new movies how, what's his face? Big wide torso boy. Yeah. Kylo Ren. His lightsaber is like just spurting lightsaber shit everywhere.

Yeah. Mine's like that, but it's coming from the hill. And burning my hand as I use it. That's because I mistreated. It's an Olympic torch, basically. Yeah. Ow! So I was wondering

Look, you got like a cool sword Let's do other things Sure Let's get like a mace or something Give me like a mace head, right? And of all the Jedi's who could have had it Yeah Yeah, mace window

Mace window What do you think? Like a big little, you know, ball With little holes And you press it on And all the spikes come out Yeah Oh, that's cool Or a helmet with like, you know, ball with little holes, and you press it on, and all the spikes come out. Yeah. Oh, that's cool.

Or a helmet with, like, a point on the tip. Yeah. Like a chug. Run like a rhino at them. Yeah. Yeah, look, the great thing about that is that if you wore it all the time, every doorway would have, like, a cutout bit for the lightsaber that you just sliced as you moved around.

You'd keep making it bigger and wider. Yeah. Okay, so the rule of two, how is that stability? Well, I guess it's because I just know the parameters. And also I'm set for life. If I'm as chock as with midichlorians, it's not like they're going to be like, Jackson, you did a bad job. Maybe I really want to be a Sith.

I've fallen to the dark side because it's a kind of no-fail system. Failure by death, yes, but I can't be a bad enough Sith that they kick me out. You know what I mean? Well, you could if they're like, go kill these younglings and you go give them ice cream. They're like, God, you've messed up again. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I've also lost

my lightsaber. I forget where I put it. I'm sorry. I donated it to Oxfam. But I got this sweet gun jackson did people graffiti your darth vader helmet yeah i took the subway home and some youths accosted me it's funny to get kicked out not because i'm bad i'm just an embarrassment yeah as an aside how long do you reckon you could kind of stretch out that rule of two four as in like you know say pal but you know, say, the apprentice, Palpy's like, yeah, you're going to kill me. And you just don't.

And he's waiting. How long before Shave gets there? Nah, it's cool. I'm gonna shave. Just don't rush me. I'll get there in my own time. Do you reckon he's just going to be very impatient? I think he's going to impale himself.

He's going to keep accidentally tripping Onto your lights And then when he'll look you in the eye And put his arms out like See? I noticed the last moment you turned it off Rude Or is he just like training up other Sith

To be like You know This guy can do it That's another good way to get kicked out of being a sith either you embarrass them or you negate the rule of two you're like i think you're a goddamn jedi at this point i mean that's smart though like you just start delegating so you know how contractors sometimes subcontract they're like hey here's this job as a sith you gotta you know work five days a week. And then you just find these shitty little wannabe Jedi's going,

hey, guys, do a couple of missions for me. And then you're just at home. And then you just tell it. Then you've got this Sith business. We're just putting all the work out. That's a real empire right there. It's like rule of two. Palpy comes in, rule of one or whatever.

But you could come in and be like, rule of subcontractors. Yes, exactly. Well, these aren't technically Sith, Sheev. These are just guys I've got working for me. I've employed them. You employ bounty hunters? I'm not a business person. Come on, man.

We're shitty with Sheev and I like this. It's not the dark side. It's just a grey area. The fact that everyday Sheev regrets picking us as an apprentice pleases me to no one sorry man if i wasn't if you're stuck like ah i'm stuck the contract is airtight so i can't get out of it i would fall to the dark side simply for, like, I do like the rule of two because I like the kind of personal training that they provide. For sure.

If I'm a Jedi there, and we've all seen, like, you know, the prequels, you've got a group of younglings all, like, you know, fucking around with the lightsabers. That's a whole group. I'm very uncoordinated. I might cut myself. Yoda's not going to give me the needs that I need. So you would get an apprenticeship, but you wouldn't go to TAFE.

Yeah. And I feel like as well, with the like cutting yourself on a mini lightsaber or whatever, I feel like Sheev is just quicker than Yoda. Like if I'm in danger, the time it takes for Yoda to call the authorities to get me help and Sheev is chalk and cheese. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Plus I like being middle of the road. I don't want to shine out, you know? Yeah, absolutely. And so if I'm in a group of people, they're my competition for, like, Jedi jobs in the future, and I'm cheating off them. And that's not good for my self-esteem. Because at the end, I'm going to be like, we all graduated,

but now I've got a friend for myself? Who am I going to cheat off? At least with Sheev, it's one-on-one. Yeah, I think Sheev was a better master than Snoke Because Snoke was playing Kylo and old mate against each other Yeah And so he was actually really manipulative But I feel like Sheev had like good relationship with his apprentice

Sheev seemed like he cared You know Sheev is like hands on Yeah, which is nice He's like, I'm holding my saber He's coming behind me He's ghosting you cared. Sheev is like hands on. Yeah, which is nice. He's like, I'm holding my saber. He's coming behind me. He's ghosting you. Like Patrick Swayze in Ghost. Just kind of like, how you doing, buddy?

Hello. As you chop like a pot out of clay. My darling, I hunger for more power. Oh, that's beautiful. Yeah, that's nice. I think Yashiv would give you that affection, which is weird because it doesn't seem like he's an affectionate guy.

But he's got affectionate energy. Because, again, he wants to, you know, you've been told and you've been like this whole like indoctrination of without an apprentice, you're nothing. Yeah. So he's going to be like, well, I need that. And he's kind of like, you're going to complete him. Yeah.

And that's great. Whereas if you're a Jedi, you're just a cog in the machine. You're one of the faceless younglings going up through Jedi Academy. And then you'll get that one-on-one care. And then Yoda plays favorites. He does, he absolutely does. And so then I'm probably not going to be one of those. And then I'm going to be sent to some, I don't know,

outer rim place and no one's gonna notice you're gonna be yeah let me forgotten about the jedi for some planet that's like all mud or whatever you're just gonna sit there and while away the days until you die at 50 exactly and it's not going to be exciting at least with sheave yeah hands on it's nice and i feel like it's all tailored to me as well yeah yeah if you're like struggling in one area, because Sheev needs you to be good for reasons that I don't really understand. That's true. Yeah, that's true. Well, because he's only got one apprentice.

But what does Sheev get out of eventually dying by your hand? Well, I think because Sheev makes the rule of one, because I think Sheev wanted to live forever. Okay, so Sheev's a bad pick. Yes, but initially we might be like no she'd be good maybe because yeah yeah rule of two is at least that he knows where the attack's coming from it's going to be the one guy i've picked as opposed to the 50 hungry like dark side people because you know if they're on the dark side they're willing to kill for power

and they'll kill it's like you know what one at a time. At least know exactly where death is coming from. It's very funny to imagine Sheev just out of reflex killing you when you go to attack Sheev and being like, oh, no. My boy. Oh, no, my boy. I didn't want this to happen. My darling. Yeah.

And also, like, the fashion, a lot better. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. It's much better. Brown robes? Who cares? Let's be honest. Black rob Yeah, absolutely. Just saying. Yeah, it's much better. Brown robes, who cares? Let's be honest. Black robes. Oh.

Slimming. I would worry about the fact that I would eventually get sheave face, you know, because the dark side sort of corrupts you physically as well. Yeah. I don't know if I want that. I want to keep my beautiful gnomish visage. That was an electricity accent. Okay.

But you might get Maul face. Oh, now that's exciting. That's a tattoo, right? Was he not a guy? Like a race of people that looked like Darth Maul? Because I know they're in KOTOR, or KOTOR 2, you get that race. One of them is a playable character, like part of your team. And you know, more evil, he starts looking more Maul-esque.

But if you look good, he starts not looking like that. That's interesting. So maybe. You have access to moisturizer and better creams when you're off. Maybe. Man, they don't really show many handsome Sith, do they? That's pretty rude. Hayden Christensen, before he got God.

Hey, that's true. Yeah, that's true. Although he got weird eyes. Yeah, see, I don't want any of this. I don't want any of the physical corruption. I want to stay youthful forever. That's what I would like out of it. But with the dark side, you can go youthful.

You can be youthful. You get to live forever. It's just, you know, maybe some sort of... Yeah, that's what I'm worried about. That's what I don't like that era of. But we can get like, okay, what about this? Masks. We've got a lot of masks.

So you can hide that corruption. I feel like also. Plus bionic arms. Yeah, what's nice about the Sith is that there's like a lot of variation in like your design for. So like, like obviously Kylo Ren. I know he's not technical. Did you say run? Kylo, I might have.

I tend to say Mace Windu for some reason. Mace Windu. And I barely remember Window for some reason. Mace Window. And I barely remember any of the movies. Kylo Ren. And the Stormtroopers. But they got cool masks that presumably they designed, whereas the Jedi's just got an open face. So you get, like, I don't know, a bit of variety there.

That's nice. Some of the Jedi do kind of make, like, masks, but it's mostly for breathing reasons. Yeah. These are clearly fashion. Sith care about fashion mostly for breathing reasons. Yeah, they clearly fashion. Sith care about fashion. That is important. Yeah, they do.

They do care about fashion. Yeah, that's cool. Whereas, that's the thing. In the Sith, you can express yourself. Yeah, that's nice. You can be like, oh, yes, I'm an individual, because, again, everything is personalized and tailored. Whereas, as a Jedi, you are just part of the machine.

Everything is homogenized. It's the same brown, boring tunic. It's the same two colours, maybe three if you're really special, but two colours of lightsaber. Everyone's got to wear a mullet and then before that, that weird rat tail. Whereas Sith, it's like grow your hair out, shave your head, whatever. We don't give a shit.

You want a moust mustache And a mohawk Fuck yeah Fuck about the Sith baby And now a quick word From our sponsor Also if you want to Keep up to date With everything we do

Why not join our newsletter Just check the show notes Or head to our website Sanspantsradio.com And sign up today Yeah no that is good It's just because Sith is all about

The individual It is Yeah well Me me me, me. I want to rule the Empire with my cool haircut and my favourite shoes. Are they not the religion for this millennial generation of ours? It's crazy that the Jedi's don't get shorts when they go to Tatooine. When you were like, it's all the same brown tunic,

that's all I could think about. They're wearing big, heavy robes. Yes. That sucks. Like, even if you, like, a school uniform will have a summer version. But the Jedi don't even get that. To be fair, neither do the Sith. But I feel like if you were like, hey, these are my Daisy Dukes

or whatever, or my Daisy Davids, can I wear these? Palpatine would be like, hell yeah, buddy. You're looking fly as hell There's a good, maybe I get a pair Of Daisy Davids Maybe there's a force power that you never see It's just like force cooling system Yeah, true

It just opens up your pores a bit more George Lucas couldn't think of anything cool to do with it So he's like, it's just happening I can't think of a scene to really explain it It's in one of the books yeah exactly plus the sith you get cool powers you get lightning yeah that rocks and you get like manipulation i'm sure there's like one which is just like mame i feel like you get to jump more if you're right i understand the jedi do jump heaps but i feel like you get cooler

jumps if you're a sith do you know what i mean who jumps as a sith i feel like oh maybe no one does dooku jump duke is jumping all the time duke is leaping around like crazy palpatine had some cool jumps yeah it's a lot of kind of flies i feel that's cool too but you got like a force choke which is great powerful right you know jedi's been like you know grabbing shit Where choking comes out? And that's fantastic. I feel like, look, not to disparage the Star Wars people, but force choke and force grab, same thing. Okay?

Yes. If a Jedi uses a force power to pick up a cup and somebody uses their force powers to choke someone, that's not a different power. Star Wars, that's the same power. Yes. Depends how hard you pick up the cup, though. Yeah, I suppose.

If you force choke, use that power to, like, smash the cup with your psychic hand. I guess they're different. But that's still just a tougher force grab. I agree. Yeah. Yeah, I'm on your side. Okay, good. So do you think the training, though, is actually different powers

or you're just using the same powers you have anyway for bad things. Force lightning, is there like a lightning equivalent for the Jedi? I don't know. Yeah, I guess they can't do it. Yeah, like there's never a real, well, Jedi can heal, I'm fairly sure, in some sort of like expanded universe doohickey. So maybe it's like. In the games, yeah.

In the games you can heal. And while Yoda as a ghost summoned force lightning Hey, that's true So it's all the same powers It's branding It's PR Absolutely

It's just people thinking, oh no, we'll call ours force lightning because that's cool Which is great, because this is like You know when we were talking about Thanos doing the click or whatever, how making everybody become dust was a stylistic choice of his. Yes. And then a stylistic choice of everyone that I guess did it.

Set the trend. Yeah. They were like, this is how you get rid of people. Lightning is the same thing. They're like, we'll make ours lightning because that's cool. And that's awesome. The fact that they're branding out of this world. So, yeah, I think with, I mean, because again, yeah,

with that personalized kind of teaching method, I get to learn from an actual master. Yeah, that is good. You know, as opposed to probably, because you can imagine some of the Jedi Council, they're like fobbing off. You're getting Kit Fisto or whatever. Yeah, they're fobbing off some of the train into some other people.

Yeah. Like, whatever. I don't have to wear their own, like, I don't have to have a mullet or a rat tail. I can be my own bloke. How have we never not just rattled off fake Star Wars names? Kurt Jurston.

Hot Funkar. Rank Misto. Star Wars names are the easiest ever. Cat Popo. Plum. Exactly. Oh no, it's. Flum. Yeah, exactly. Oh, no, it's peepo.

The sneaky alien. It's all there. And Tom. I couldn't think of a weird one. Sorry, guys. It was hard. It was hard for me. No, that's fair.

That's totally fair. Oh, yes, the dreaded Tom. Alex, damn it. Emperor Tom. Emperor Tom. I would join the dark side for the real estate, really. Oh, that is clever. Because Jedi, you don't get to own anything. But when Darth Vader joined the Sith, he got his own planet,

he got his own little bachelor pad. So real estate for sure. Absolutely. If you're a member of the Jedi Council, you get to go to the Jedi Council. But it's group owned. You get a bunk bed. Yeah. Oh, great.

It's like a McKay. You probably get some kind of like shitty government run apartment in Coruscant. Yeah. Who cares? And your housemate is another race. And you're like, oh, do you have to do the tentacle thing? I don't know how it was. It's fair enough. But, you know. and you're like, oh, do you have to do the tentacle thing? They're like, I don't know how to. This is how I serve.

Like, oh, okay. It's fair enough, but, you know. The car you have or the hover car is probably also government run, so you have to, like, you know, fill out all, like, how much mileage you're using. Think about the bureaucracy. And let's talk about the, what I have to assume is, like, shitty food court in the Jedi Council building.

So, like, after a meeting, either there's a shitty food court where you go and get, I don't know, space spaghetti or whatever. Or there's like a break room with Star Wars crackers and bad coffee. Right. But with the Sith, you have an app saying, oh, what planets do we rule? Yeah. Oh, these ones. Oh, great. I feel like eating that exotic fish from that weird planet.

You go to that planet, better restaurants, better access with the Jedi. It's like cafeteria food at the end. And if you're a Sith, you can get exotic with it. You're like, hey, I would like to eat a whatever Jar Jar Binks was. And they're like, yeah, we can make that happen, baby. We're the Sith. Yeah.

I want to eat a Watto. Yeah. Yeah, we can make it happen. I don't know why gross But we'll do it Absolutely it feels It would be so natural you know like George Lucas Did all those edits of the original

Of the original trilogy It would be so natural if someone did an edit of the prequel trilogy In every Jedi council meeting That had shitty styrofoam cups It's just so easy to imagine them talking And being like blowing on it because it's hot and being like, and who's this kid you've brought for us, Qui-Gon?

Well, the Game of Thrones writers, D&D, well, I mean, there'll be styrofoam cups in the new movies. Absolutely. Based on their track record. We forgot about catering. Coffee cups everywhere. Hey, we've got a pretty big budget for CGI. Should we get rid of it?

Nah. Whatever, it's funny. It'll get the people talking. Yeah, but not in a good way. It'll get the people talking. Get them riled up. It's good. We'll be viral or whatever.

They'll focus on that and not the terrible writing. Not the trojans ending to our long-running TV show. Also, I feel like if you're in the Sith, you can, like, you have a lot of, what's the word, independence. Yes. For your own project. Yes. If you're like, say.

Yes, because Darth Vader at some point is just like, I want to train a boy. Yeah. And he does it in secret, but still he has time for it. Absolutely. If you wanted to be like, hey, so I know the first two Death Stars didn't work. Right.

What if I made a third? I'm sure Palpatine would be like, go ahead, buddy. What about the Death Planets? That would be a great idea. I love it. This is gold you're coming out with. We own heaps of planets. Here's the app.

Just check the app. Check the app. Get some food. Let's get to work. Yeah, just real estate. Because it's like the biggest contention in my life is like, oh, man, I'm never going to own property because I belong to a society. But if I was part of the dark side, it's like, man,

do you want that property? Go get it. It's yours. You can just take it, man. It's yours. You own it. You're basically vice president or president of the whole thing. Yes.

Exactly. Big time. Yeah, there's not really any, like, who's going to stop you? And there's probably some, like, Sith fanatics. If you go there and be like, I'm taking your house, they'd be like, thank you. Yes. Exactly. Big time. Yeah. There's not really any like who's going to stop you. And there's probably some like Sith fanatics. If you go there and be like I'm taking your house

they'd be like thank you. I love this. This is great. Yeah. What a great honour. You've given me a good you know

this is beautiful come please take my house. And even if you don't get that I imagine the further out you go you just get neutrality. If you come in and you're like

I own this planet now people in the outer rim will be like okay. Yeah. I don't give a shit. Whatever. Also distribution of wealth. So again you're getting paid as a Jedi planet now, people in the outer room will be like, okay. How to give a shit? Whatever. Also, distribution of wealth.

So again, you're getting paid as a Jedi. You've got to share that wealth with all the other Jedis. And again, on a teacher's salary, not great. But with Sith, it's just two of you. Absolutely. Yeah, totally. And you can pick and choose whatever vehicle you want. The Jedi, it's like, oh oh it's like a share car thing yeah

oh they have an app like oh is the car available this weekend no it's not i guess oh man kirk bonko is walking oh no tom where it's like i want a car now and you hit the button and it comes to your door imagine arriving at the jedi council and you're sweaty because your outfit sucks ass and you get there because you've had to walk because the car's in use. Somebody's driven by and sprayed water on you. They're like costume or uniform. He's the equivalent of like a cheap tan suit. Yeah, absolutely.

It's the uniform a used salesman might wear. But not a good one. I would respect the Sith. I would not respect the Jedi. I might throw my space coffee at one if they walked by. Clean up the streets for real. They'd be like, you're not smoking death sticks anymore? And I'd be like, yeah.

I mean, I guess, but I wanted to. You made me stop. Yeah. I miss smoking death sticks. That's another thing about the fucking Jedi. I have personal freedoms. If I want to smoke a death stick, I should smoking death sticks. That's another thing about the fucking Jedi. I have personal freedoms. If I want to smoke a death stick, I should be allowed to. If they come down there with their mind manipulation

and tell me to stop doing something that I enjoy, fuck them. I guess the Sith would be like, smoke up, buddy. Hells yeah. It's so funny. It's like imagine that was the thing instead of like the romance. Anakin is like he fell in love with a woman. That's why he turned. But it would be like,

I just like smoking. You can't. All right, fuck this. I'm going to the CIS. Exactly. Fuck this black leather jacket and a cigarette. It is so good to imagine him just like just bugging out because he has a cigarette, just a chief walking past, casually smoking.

Oh, do you want a cigarette? Do you want to smoke? Do you want to dot? Are death sticks actual cigarettes or are they like as what they are? They are cigarettes. Is that just our name for it? No, I think they call them death sticks because I think Qui-Gon Jinn's like you don't want to smoke a death stick

anymore and the guy's like, hell yeah. I don't want to sell death sticks. I think a death stick may be a sticky throw at someone. It's a mild hallucinogen drug. Oh, is it? Primary soul. Let me smoke my hallucinogenic sticks, Jedi.

Yeah, Jedi. You goddamn weebs. Let me hang out in my pad with my new cruiser, smoking some death sticks, jerking over Padme. That's what I want to do. That's what everybody's trying to get, you know? Exactly. Yeah.

Do you want to be a cog in the machine or do you want to be a rebel? But this is true. Like they're denying a part of themselves. This is Jungian psychology. If you pretend like you don't have a dark part of your brain, it will come back to bite you. You'll cook yourself.

Exactly. So you need to like, you know, service both parts of yourself. Absolutely. And so I reckon the grey is really the future. It's probably the way to go. Own your own car and, like, donate to charity occasionally. That said, because, again, with the Jedi, they deal in absolutes because if you, like, dabbled in some say you know death stick smoking or

wholesale murder from kids yeah um they're gonna come down you real hard but if you did something like benevolent something nice as a sith no one's gonna question that's true if you're a sith and you're like well i love my family and i take care of the people i care about yeah it's gonna be like okay that's cool buddy great that's great what if What if you just like say we tried to get away from the dichotomy, the binary of Sith and Jedi, and we're just like, hey, I'm just going to be a guy. Do I become one? So like say I was just like I'm going to live my life as I live it now.

I podcast. I sleep in until 10. I love jerking off. Whatever. Is my regular lifestyle going to fall into either or category or am i just gonna be able to jerk off with my mind is that the only difference here basically you'd be sort of like uh you'd end up being a great jedi and you'd be sort of like ostracized or kind of like living a hermit life in some dank what if i just live in a house can't i live in a house well i i agree if i live

on coruscant are they they going to be like, mate, come to the council. I'm like, I'm not a Jedi. I'm just a guy who can jerk off with his mind. Like, don't say that. I'm sorry, Kit Fisto. That's the thing. You've got to pick a side because otherwise you just constantly

get door knockers going, hey, can you come do this mission for us, please? That's the thing. You're either going to get people coming to your door to help you out or coming to your door to kill you. It's going to be like two signs out the front, one that's like join the Jedi, one that's join the Sith that they hammer into my lawn. Yeah.

If the Mormons come to your door and you go, oh, I'm actually Muslim, they go, we won't come back. But if you're like, I'm agnostic, they're like, no, we can get him. We can get him. It's the same. It's great to imagine Palpatine and Yoda back. But if you're like, I'm agnostic, they're like, no, we can get him. We can get him. It's the same. It's great to imagine Palpatine and Yoda at my door and I'm like, come in, I'll make you a cup of tea. Make your case.

Here is a pamphlet for the dark side. Oh. See? Nice cloaks. Look at all the planets you have available. Good car. Yoda being like one-on-one teaching. Exactly.

Yoda being like, ah, looking at his pamph. Exactly. Being like, ah. Looking at his pamphlet, which is like, work for the government. She'd be coming like, fuck it. Exactly. So, yeah. Do you want to be, you know, it's just like capitalism versus some boring government. Communist. Communist.

Communist versus capitalist. Kind of bullshit bureaucracy. You know? That's what we're arguing here. Do you want to be just kind of like one of the masses, everyone's equal, everyone's same, or do you want to stand out? Do you want to kill kids or drink shitty coffee? Make your decision now. I don't know what I'm going to do.

Roll now. So join the dark side. Yeah, I think this has been very clear, the dark side. I don't think there's been any devil's advocate for the Jedi. I think it would have been a much more interesting podcast if we were trying to justify being a Jedi. Well, you know, you do the right thing. Yeah.

It feels good to do. Good, I guess. I think it's good. There's not a lot of reasons. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's good. Oh, great. You do good, I guess. Is that a lot of reasons? Oh, yeah. Oh, that's good. Oh, great. You do good for the universe.

You clock out. You go home to your wife and kids. All right. That's right. You can't have a wife and kids, can you? Oh, that's right. But in the Sith, you can. Man, why did I not pick it just because of that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Interpersonal relationships seem much better. Can you jerk off as a, yeah, yeah, yeah. Interpersonal relationships seem much better. Can you jerk off as a Sith? I think, yeah. Sorry, as a Jedi. No, no. Screw that. No, celibacy for sure, yeah.

I'm doing it in secret. And on that note, I've been Jackson Bailey. I've been Joel Zammett. And I will continue to be Simon Taylor. And if you want to see more of my stuff, it's simontaylorfunnyboy.com I do stand up, I have shows coming up please come see me hell yeah you can find us at Sandspants Radio or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead.

And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps! And if you want to support us, head to SandspantsPlus.com Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.