Plumbing the Death Star - What Would You Airbud?

Episode Date: August 2, 2020

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Sands Pants Radio, Australia's most American podcast network. on demand over at sospresents.com or click the link in the show notes or better yet check out sanspantsradio.com and check out banner you can also grab the same wild magic table that we use for that campaign once again that's sanspantsradio.com hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star where we ask the important questions like, what would you Air Bud? So Air Bud, there's no rule that says a dog can't play basketball, which means that there's no rule There's a lot of There's a lot If you look at a rule book

There's a lot that isn't in the rule book That is in the rule book Some say common sense Doesn't apply to rule books Because common sense should be common But we here at Pummeling the Dirt We've got no sense No common sense, no complicated sense.

Yeah, no sense of smells, no sense of taste. Sometimes the best rules are the rules that aren't in the rulebook. If your rulebook doesn't have a section that says animals that aren't allowed to play this sport, then it's open season, buddy. We'll put whatever animal we

want in there. I don't give a shit. So, with that said I think the best animal I'm going to choose a horse Playing lacrosse Horse playing lacrosse interesting Now what do you need to play lacrosse You need to run fast

You need a thick neck And what does a horse have A thick neck and it can run fast Is lacrosse a horse sport already? No, you're thinking of polo. Oh, I'm thinking of polo. Okay, no, great. Just needed to clarify.

Okay, lacrosse. How is the horse holding the lacrosse stick? In its lips. Not mouth, lips. Important to know that Joel Zammett did the horse lips

after he said it and looked very proud of himself. That's great. Jackson also did the horse lips, but he's looked way very proud of himself that's great jackson also did the horse lips but he's looked way more disgusting and he didn't look happy with himself imagine getting ready for your game of lacrosse and you're like well we got that horse on the team air horse and then you watch this air horse bends down and like takes way too long with its lips to get a hold of the lacrosse stick the thing is with lacrosse, correct me if I'm wrong here,

but you need height, right? I guess so. You need to be able to hold the lacrosse, and if you have a lot more height, you have an advantage. And what is a horse but tall? Sort of. So if a horse moves its thick neck... I would unfortunately say, Joel Zammett,

that the one thing in lacrosse that's slightly more important than height is hand-eye coordination, and I just don't know if a horse has that. Well, okay, so if we think about it, when a horse has a little lacrosse stick in its mouth, it needs to turn its head on, like, a 90-degree angle to make the lacrosse stick able to... But a horse's eye is also on the side of its head, so it can see the ball coming directly down.

I think a horse would be great at lacrosse it just needs to snap its thick neck to throw the ball and it's fine and there's so much power in that powerful neck do you in lacrosse throw a ball in a net? is it a net game?

sorry Jackson, imagine soccer but nets but hooks no, not but, no, but hooks No, not butt nuts Soccer had, my analogy fell apart Immediately Soccer doesn't have hooks Soccer with sticks and a small ball

Oh, okay Hockey? Yeah, like hockey You really should have started at hockey No, because if you didn't understand Fucking soccer Woah Do you mean curling? started at hockey. No, because if you didn't understand fucking soccer... Whoa!

Do you mean curling? What? Lacrosse on ice with a horse. Now we're talking turkey. There was no right answer for a sport analogy for Jackson, considering I said soccer, and he said, oh yeah, if soccer had nets. If only. I think the

best position for said horse would probably be either, like, the equivalent of, like, a striker or a midfield. So someone who is, like, in the middle of the field, Jack, running interference, as it were, or striker as someone who is, like, to get the ball and to try and get it into the goals. Are you understanding? Here's my question.

So how do you get the ball? Well, someone has to pass it. Sorry, what? Yeah, Jack, what? Okay, hang on. No horse involved. We're not playing lacrosse. We're playing kick to kick.

There are two people. How does one person get the soccer ball? Yeah, no. I know you're going to get the ball from someone. My question was, is it, because here's what I was imagining. If the ball lands on the ground and it's me and a horse and we both need to go for the ball, I'm letting the horse have it because if we made it the ball, the horse will trample me to death.

But I didn't know if it was a role in lacrosse that you can't get that. Maybe the ball can't touch the ground like volleyball. I don't know. Look, Jackson, I don't know either. Yeah. Who knows?

And if the ball can only be got, if it's in the air Then if it's going to the horse I guess it also works because I'm not trying to get it from the I don't want to be trampled to death And fighting for the ball with the horse will cause that So either way I guess it was a meaningless question

Okay I'm looking can you pick up the ball in lacrosse I immediately spelt lacrosse wrong I agree You can't pick it up with your hand. Okay. Well, lucky because a horse has no hands. Can never break that rule. In fact, probably even more beneficial, to be honest.

As a surprise to no one, I have played lacrosse, but it was 15 years ago and I was the goalie. So I can't remember. Okay. Look, I'm just going to read this. So there is an area around the goal called a crease. An opponent is not allowed to enter the crease, but they can reach it with their stick to pick up the ball.

When a player with the ball, the ball goes out of the field. Player of the opposing team gets the ball unless the ball goes out of boundary. Okay. So now, so you can reach. So if you can reach the ball with your stick, you can get it, which is great because a horse can get a lot more reach. Yeah.

Whole neck's worth. You know what I like about this episode is that normally we're wrong about nerd shit, and so the nerds get annoyed. But today we're wrong about jock shit, and it's about time that the jocks copped it from plumbing the Death Star as well.

From me to you jocks cop shit. I'm gonna go on record and say that lacrosse is the nerdiest jock sport. That is true. So if you're playing lacrosse, you probably are a nerd anyway. Yeah. Get better at soccer or something and be cool. We got to figure out a way to give it to jocks, guys.

On the nerd jock scale of sport, where does hockey, like field hockey, fall within that? Is it more nerdy than lacrosse Or less nerdy than lacrosse Because I know ice hockey is definitely less nerdy Like ice hockey may be one of the cooler sports Yeah yeah yeah Ice hockey is mostly ponchons And I can get around that Ice hockey is definitely jockeyer than hockey

I think if there's a sport That you can do in a cooler way and you're not doing it in the cool way that's nerd shit because if you can ice hockey's cool and it's on ice so if you're doing indoor hockey that's nerd shit because you could be on ice right yeah well hockey is definitely nerdier than lacrosse because stifler in American Pie plays lacrosse and he's horny and fucks heats. That's true. And drinks his own cum as a great joke. By the American Pie metric which we all

use, lacrosse is cooler. But, is Stifler actually a sex nerd? Oh, that's true. Could be. Could be. Jim's a nerd. Fuck Jim. Look, the takeaway there is don't drink your own cum Yeah, unless you're really into it

Well it's not his cum, it's um Kevin's cum, don't drink Kevin's cum Don't drink Kevin's cum, drink your own cum It's mixed with beer, that's bad That's frothy, that's nice Here's my question Here's my question Horse bud

Okay, air bud, clever as a dog Horse bud, clever as a horse Horse, dumber than dog Is that true? Do you need to teach horse bud To learn lacrosse Well, we don't know lacrosse And human beings are smarter than horse

Horse is Stupider than dog, dude, guaranteed Hang on, hang on, hang on. The fact is, horses are often compared to dogs and cats in terms

of intelligence, but it's much like comparing apples to oranges. That doesn't help. A dog is as clever as an apple. A horse is as clever

as an orange. Horses are dumb as shit, dude. Fucking, what a cop-out answer. We've all got fucking brains, our intelligence is comparable Fuck you Google Yeah yeah yeah I'm gonna go look at Quora One of the first things

Oh come on they've written an essay I just want a yes or no answer Here's how you teach Hang on can you teach a horse how to sit Great question Dogs can play dead that's sick Can you teach a horse how to sit? Great question. Dogs can play dead. That's sick. Can you teach a horse tricks?

Well, you can teach a horse tricks. Yeah? Like those Hollywood horses. Hollywood horses. There's a YouTube video here which says simple horse tricks, horse tricks training, and it looks like there's a woman making out with a horse. That's good.

Does she look happy about it? Yeah, she jazzed to be making out with a horse. Sick! But guys, I've just found... Yeah, she jazzed to be mucking on a horse's dirty lips. Don't make out with a horse. That's our other great tip for this show. So I found an image that shows the difference in brain sizes using vegetables

and fruit. And it says here that a dog's brain is the size of an orange but a horse's brain is the size of an orange but a horse's brain is the size of a pumpkin. So maybe a horse is cleverer than a dog. Maybe I was wrong. Does that mean that like a whale is pretty clever? No, because it's

here's the thing I know about brains. It's about relative brain size. Because a whale's brain is huge, but a whale is huge, so it doesn't count. So a horse's brain is huge, but a horse is huge, so it doesn't count. So a horse's brain is huge, but a horse is huge, so maybe it doesn't count either. I just googled, is a horse smart? And the first thing that came up is a picture of a horse

wearing a suit and the caption, horses aren't intelligent. Oh, that's good. So we've learned a lot. Yeah, look, I think you can train a horse to do tricks, kind of like an air bud. Because, again, I've seen a horse do dressage. I've never seen a dog do dressage. That's a good point.

I just need to read this. I'm so sorry. Just because you can't make a horse do something doesn't mean it's stupid. Since horses aren't naturally motivated to do what we ask them, they won't if they think they can get away with it. Horses aren't smart in the same way that people are, but they are very adept at being horses.

That is true. A horse is great at being a horse. So here I think, Joel Zammett, is going to be your problem. Horses are prey! Yeah, I know. They don't have canines, JD. Look at their teeth. Their eyes are on the side of the head like a fucking idiot.

How is this news to you? I don't know. I can't imagine anything eating a horse. Lion? Guy? With that in mind, is perhaps sport more for like a predator thing as opposed to a prey thing? Well, you need to be quick.

Can I make this argument? You need to be quick and flight opposed to a prey thing. Well, you need to be quick. Can I make this argument? You need to be quick and flighty to be good prey. So yeah, because, but genuinely, like if you look at say a sport, so right. So it's like a team of people hunting basically a bull. Yes. That's very much a predatory. However, Jay-Z, if you imagine an American football or gridiron,

if you're trying to football or gridiron, if you're trying to take the football to the end zone, you need to be quick and outrun the people coming for you. So, in fact, sport needs both predator and prey to be effective. And a horse, in a way, is both. Potentially offense and defense. Yeah, you could say that. No, no, predator, prey. You're right, Jackson, because I know of a particular video

I have definitely seen of a certain horse eating a certain baby chicken. So, yes, while horses usually prey, they can be predator. Plus, they're good at stomping the shit out of things. Yeah. I think, shall we? And that's what you need in lacrosse, good stomping. Shall we make our metric for how well these animals, these buds, these ex-buds have done, is how

many kids die. So I think horse bud is gonna trample at least three kids because it's still a horse. And a horse and this is what I was gonna say before a dog craves praise, okay?

And that's how you train a dog. A horse doesn't give a shit. So the horse starts trampling. It loves apples. Yeah. And a dog, you can put on a leash and you can pull off a kid. If a horse starts trampling a kid, you've got to shoot it. So I think.

Lasso's and cowboys, that's what you need. It's good to imagine Zabit on the side of the lacrosse pitch or whatever. And you're like, come on, come on. And you've got tickets like you're gambling or whatever at the dog track. And the horse starts trampling a kid. And you're just like, ah, rats, and tear up your ticket. Dang, Zabit. Gee whiz.

Not again. Not again. Yeah, so I think horse bud would do pretty well. Yeah. But I don't know how well a horse can stop or pivot on its centre. Once you start a horse, you can't stop a horse. And pivoting are integral to being able to play lacrosse or at least not injuring your fellow kid.

So, yeah, there's some kids getting trampled. There's some people watching getting trampled. And, yeah, when a horse tries to stop trips over its own lacrosse strip that it's holding precariously in its lips and then falls like torso first onto maybe four people they're dead. Plus

if there's an injury, well it's cool to have an athlete that you turn into glue when they're no longer, you know, performing Okay, well this is going to probably really work out just how dangerous a horse is in a lacrosse situation and see how well a horse is in lacrosse. But what is the leg injury situation in lacrosse like? I imagine, like all sports that require stop and start movements,

that ankle and knee injuries are quite common. You're shooting your own horse. Horse bud dies by bullet. What is a common injury in lacrosse? Okay, number one. Concussion. Ankle sprain. Not good for all horses.

Two is head and face concussion, which I reckon a horse can tank. Do you know why horses are so tank. Do you know why horses are so weak? Do you know why they have weak legs? This is fucked. Because they're not legs, they're fingers. A horse doesn't have legs, it has evolved fingers. That's why they're so fucking weak.

It's fucked. It's cooked. Well, with that in mind, so concussion, I reckon a horse can tank this knee sprain then wrist fracture then hip flexor strain and then lower back pain and a horse is all back

so that's not good up until this point Joel Zammett you'd done something very similar to what I do in Plumbing the Death Star which is presented arguments were told they were all bad and then claimed the victory you were like yeah I think it's pretty good at lacrosse despite all evidence suggesting that it probably couldn't pick up the ball can't stop it's just big it just takes up a bunch of

and then dies mid-game when it breaks its legs sprains its leg and has a lower back injury ah yeah but boy does it take out some kids. Yeah, just take your rifle to the local game of lacrosse and you'll be right. Yeah. So was the goal to not kill kids? It was to kill as few kids as possible. Oh.

Ah. Obviously, we know some kids are going to die, but we wanted to kill as few as we could. Look, I think three is probably too low now that I think about it. Yeah. I reckon there's at least a baker's dozen. 13 kids.

The moment the crowd cheers, the horse gets spooked, the kids die. That's how it goes. How much is a team of lacrosse? Great question. Yeah. I was literally Googling that as you asked. Ten. Ten players. So, yeah, a whole team and then some on your own. I was literally googling that as you asked 10 players So yeah a whole team and then some on your own

Is I think the metric there We shouldn't have let a horse play lacrosse Is the headline the next day Just because the rule books didn't say we couldn't Maybe this time we should have used common sense Just because we could doesn't mean we should Hang on If a whole team dies on a court We should have used common sense Just because we could doesn't mean we should So Hang on

If a whole team dies on a court Do they lose? Is that a forfeit? I think that if any players Were to die for either team The game would immediately be cancelled And there would be no result What about if they killed the horse?

Would you stop the game? No, I'd be happy. I'd cheer. Coming out from either side of the lacrosse pitch, the horse tripped, and Zabin had to kill the horse. Would they cancel the lacrosse game, or would they carry on? I like to think they'd carry on. They'd be like, well, that was stupid anyway. They just bring someone off from the bench.

They'll be alright. They just gotta, like, keep jumping that dead horse. Alright, well, I am going to suggest Bigfoot and Ping Pong. She'll be right He's gotta like keep jumping that dead horse Alright well I am going to suggest Bigfoot and ping pong There's no rule that says The mystery ape of the pacific northwest Can't play ping pong

That's true So let's get Bigfoot out First thing I'm going to deal with is the press Immediately First question Why ping pong? Because Bigfoot's got a lot of upper arm strength from tearing bark off trees.

Plus he's clever enough, you know? A dog, not clever. Bigfoot, genius. So what talents do you think that you need for ping pong? Upper body strength and wits? Is that what you're... Wits, good eyes, which Bigfoot needs to see squirrels and fruit general fitness um i mean all of these really quick how good at hiding is he at doing like say

um like a backhanded you know top spin for example i think bigfoot's so strong that if he tried to do a backhanded anything the ball would get crushed on the the bat and it wouldn't go anywhere i think he would just so make it a fine dust with every swing he'd need a reinforced ping pong bat why is that good well it's impressive why don't you just give him, like, wrestling or something? Or boxing? Or tennis. Tennis?

Sure, tennis. I don't think wrestling or boxing, but we'll make it tennis for you guys. Okay. Because, like, I just feel for ping pong, it might be because in comparison to Bigfoot, the ping pong table is quite little. Yeah. And generally, like, the players who play ping pong aren't generally seven foot. Well, here's what I was imagining, I guess, is that the ball comes onto Bigfoot's side of the ping pong table.

It goes up. Bigfoot does like a downward slam. It crushes into the other team's side of the pitch. Okay. Point, Bigfoot. We know what you were thinking of when you were thinking of Bigfoot playing ping pong. You weren't thinking, and that's okay. You just weren't imagining ping pong at all. You were just thinking, Bigfoot. We know what you were thinking of when you were thinking of Bigfoot playing ping pong. You weren't thinking, and that's okay. You just weren't imagining ping pong at all.

You were just thinking about Bigfoot. I was enjoying the idea of Bigfoot coming out of hiding and everyone being like, oh my god, he's real. The mystery of the Pacific Northwest and Bigfoot being like, Bigfoot, play ping pong. Everyone being like, what? Put Bigfoot in ping pong. And everyone being like, what? Put Bigfoot in ping pong tournament. And I'm like,

this is my friend Footbud or whatever. I call him Air Big. And he's going to play ping pong. Ain't no rule that says he can't play ping pong. Go get them, Air Foot or whatever. I'll play ping pong. That's true. Go get them, Airfoot, or whatever. Ping pong for Bigfoot.

Yeah. Very good. I like it. I just feel like he needs something. I think he just needs something a little bit bigger. All right, I'll try and explain it to him. Bigfoot, you're too big for ping pong. But ping pong

Bigfoot, not ping pong I'm sorry Bigfoot, you're huge Ping pong's little, it's for little guys No And he starts tearing his clothes up I put him in clothes, I put him in a Fetching suit He needs an outfit for ping pong

I understand the resistance for tennis. I get it. I understand. You have a dream of Bigfoot playing ping pong. That's not me. It's always Bigfoot, dude. He wants to play ping pong. I get it.

Bigfoot has a dream. However, I want everyone to imagine Bigfoot in little white shorts. It is good. It is good. Yeah. Like, you know how everybody makes a tennis grunt? Yeah. Or he makes a terrifying roar.

Yeah, a tennis roarunt yeah he makes a terrifying roar yeah a tennis roar as it were so the things you need uh for tennis uh you know again probably what you need in a lot of sport but basically like speed agility endurance and flexibility yeah now how does bigfoot go with this speed he's got to be quick to outrun poachers and people trying to catch him uh endurance however i have seen bigfoot walk and he does seem like a little bit of like you know he ambles around you talk about the And people try to catch him. Endurance. However, I have seen Bigfoot walk, and he does seem like a little bit of like, you know, he ambles around. You talk about the Patterson Gimlin footage.

That was casual. Lady Bigfoot taking a walk, looking backwards, doing it awkward like, yeah, hey. And then she wasn't performing. She wasn't an athlete. This is an athlete Bigfoot. Endurance. Nobody's ever found a Bigfoot skeleton.

So just saying. So big foots can't die never die is there or is their skeleton so brittle at the moment they die all the bugs and other animals kind of ascend and just just destroy it yeah um here i think it's going to be where i fall apart big foots temper so tennis is a sport of egos. And we know that there are a lot of tennis players where if things go wrong for them, they flip out. They get angry. Now, Bigfoot flipping out. Like McEnroe.

Yeah, like McEnroe. Exactly. Now, imagine that there is a ruling that Bigfoot does not like. That Bigfoot's tearing the umpire in two. Well, exactly. It is a clay court. that Bigfoot does not like. That Bigfoot's tearing the umpire in two. Well, it is a clay court. It clearly shows that the ball is in and the umpire is saying that it is out. Umpire have bias against Bigfoot.

Umpire, you cannot be serious. Are you kidding, Bigfoot? And I'm like, dude, calm down. Bigfoot, man, you're going to make a scene. No, no, Jackson, stay on sideline. That's what I get out of there Bigfoot and I'm like dude calm down Bigfoot man you're gonna make a scene No no Jackson Stay on sideline That's what I get out of there because I don't want to be Associated with what happens next

As I'm walking out I hear a guy getting Torn in half Oh shit dude Hey Jackson I just want to double check something Bigfoot from the Midwest of America right Pacific Northwest So that's kind of like West Coast Can you explain why when me and you do his voice I just want to double check something. Bigfoot from the Midwest of America, right? Pacific Northwest.

Pacific Northwest. So that's kind of like West Coast, yeah. Can you explain why when me and you do his voice, he has a slight Italian accent? I don't know. Me Bigfoot! It's more like I'm trying to do like a Frankenstein. I think they got the same accent. Monster accent.

Monsters and Italians have the same accent mama mia me bigfoot yeah it's bigfoot i don't know why that's all the classic monsters you've got nessie yeah you've got uh godzilla wolfman bigfoot mario all famously italian Giuseppe, every... Giuseppe. Every Hammer Movie monster. Adam Cannavale. Again, monster. The La Paquetta pizza guy.

La Paquetta, yeah, him. Yeah. They all have the same voice. Come eat me pizza. Oh, this looks like a nice place. Come have delicious spaghetti at La Paquetta. You want garlic bread? Yes, I would. Thank you.

I make you. Yeah. Okay, so how many dead kids? The only place I can figure out Bigfoot killing children is ball boys and ball girls. So I think Bigfoot may tear them again if they get in his way. You know, he's a predator.

Yes. So he may... Does he eat people? I think he eats deers and fruit. So, yeah. So, because Bigfoot's powerful. He's strong. With his

serve, if that was to say, not so much, if the person playing against Bigfoot doesn't immediately hit it back and say, takes one right in the ghoulies. Oh, yeah. Impotent. Is that going to pulverize their, I guess, hip area, pelvis? Bigfoot will come back into the lockers and I'll be like, how'd it go?

He'll be like, I pulverized the genital. And I'll be like, Big be like big man don't aim there that's the trick yeah don't aim for the um the bat or or i don't know if i explained the rules of tennis to you i want to play ping pong no pig foot calm down please we've been through this dude you're a tennis man now you're too big for ping pong. I'm so sorry. Look at your little shorts. So in the game of tennis, the gentleman's game of tennis,

if one of the players was to, say, get their genitals pulverized mid-game, would they stop? Forfeit? Do they lose? They actually do lose. In tennis, yes. If you get injured, do you forfeit? Oh, well, then Bigfoot's. In tennis, yes. If you get injured, you forfeit. Oh, well, then Bigfoot's winning a lot of games.

I think my biggest problem is going to be scientists who want to catch Bigfoot and experiment on him. Keep chasing him around. The biggest problem, yeah, is scientists and also those other people you're forgetting about, Jackson, fellow Bigfoot hunters. Oh, that is true. I found him.

I've got him a lucrative career as a tennis man. So what you're going to have, though, when he's playing tennis, though, you're going to have these Bigfoot hunters in the crowd all going, like, with their mouths and stuff like, which is like a Bigfoot mating call. Ignore it, Bigfoot. It's not a hot babe. It's not a hot babe. And Bigfoot might get horny.

You might have a horny Bigfoot playing tennis I hear hot babe Jackson No it's that guy dude With the big beard He's just doing a noise with a horn Bigfoot wouldn't get it Bigfoot wouldn't get it So you got some problems there

Easily distracted by horny calls And if you get tranquilised Halfway through a game of tennis Do you fall? Like if a scientist in the crowd shoots Bigfoot and he gets tranked, is that... No. That's outside of deference.

If someone from the crowd was to trank Bigfoot mid-game, it would be a draw. Well, that's not as bad as a loss. No. Okay. And now a quick word from our sponsors. You know, not as bad as the last. No.

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Just search for BigSoftTitty.png, all one word, no spaces, on iTunes or Spotify or head to our website, SandsPantsRadio.com. So how do you think I did with Bigfoot? How do you think? You haven't killed many kids. Yeah. But you have potentially caused a rampage. But there's nothing in the rule book saying that a tennis player can't go on a rampage.

Yeah, exactly. In fact, as we've seen, many have. So I don't think that's unusual, really, when it comes to Bigfoot. So if anything, he's done really well. If anything, he's probably one of the best tennis players of our generation. I think it's...

Probably better than Andre Agassi, to be perfectly honest. Aside from... Definitely beating Pete Sampras. He's an amazing... Thoughts on Bigfoot versus Filippousis? I think...

Definitely would win. Yeah. I think so. I think it would be the match of the century, but he'd win. Yeah. Yeah.

Name one, any particular tennis player you want, even throughout history, against Bigfoot, and I reckon Bigfoot will win. And I think Bigfoot, he'd have a lot of fans. Rod Laver, currently. That's a tough one. That's a tough one. A frail old man versus Bigfoot in the tennis game we've all

been waiting for. Yeah. Here it is. It's finally happened. I think my last hurdle is when Bigfoot, fame goes to Bigfoot's head and I'm like, I made you. And Bigfoot's like, it's always been me. And I'm like, you'd be nothing without me Bigfoot. Nah, because he'd be like

you held back. I want ping pong. And you can't play ping pong Bigfoot. You're too big. Christ. And then it would be in all the news section of all the papers. Jackson and Bigfoot split. Yeah. We were dating.

Yeah. I thought you were just managing him. There was something more going on behind the scenes. It is nice. It would be like that scene from the Royal Tenenbaums where you break up and Bigfoot is distressed and distraught. Maybe he'll lose his big mat. He'll shave his head and he'll be crying.

He'll shave his whole body. He'll be like, I'm mad. I'm mad and sad because the love of my life, we can't make it work. And I'll meet Bigfoot at the front of the arena, and I'll be like, put a jacket on, you're very disgusting and pink looking. Yuck, that's bad. We're going to hide your way until your fur regrows.

I'm sorry, we fought. So that's my narrative, I guess. That's nice. Thank you, you did pretty well. Not only is he a great tennis player, but also he found love. Yeah. It's good. That's nice. So you've done pretty well. Not only is he a great tennis player, but also he found love. Yeah. That's sweet. You've done better than horse lacrosse with Bigfoot

tennis. Even if he did want to play Bigfoot ping pong. Tennis just suited him better. So, my choice I've tried to remain as unfancy as possible. I'm sticking to basketball as is Air Bud tradition. And I like the original Air Bud, yeah, for sure. Yeah, yeah.

And I'll be driving a truck into the game. So a truck playing basketball. So what I like about this- You driving a truck. Not a truck driver or a sentient truck. Have you driven a truck before? No. There is no-

How hard can it be? There's no- Wait, it's just like driving? No. There is no rule. How hard can it be? There's no... Wait, it's just like driving a car. There's no rule that says... Yeah, I've driven a car for like 10 years. Question, do you drive manual or automatic? Depends why you're asking. If you're a police officer because I'm driving a truck without a truck license, manual.

If you want me to be honest, automatic. Have you driven manual before and can you drive manual i can't remember if i've driven manual before in real life before i'm just confusing it with daytona usa but i'm confident enough to say that yes i've driven manual once as the daytona counts and the team comes out you also hear from the wings yes it sounds like he's stalling the truck okay um and then there's the occasional is that him asking for help you coming out just like I don't know I know this is not how it works

But leaving like a mark in the Basketball court as you Grind along Another question for Joel Dusha driving a truck playing basketball Is it the cab Or is it cab and trailer It's cab and trailer

Like a semi truck Like a, like a full-on... Because I was imagining like a lorry. An 18-wheeler. Okay. So you take up the court. I go bigger than the court. Correct. So you come out.

How are you going to get the ball? How can you dribble? I don't need to do either of those things. I'm playing defense. Think with your mind, guys. You just park yourself around your ramp and you're fine. People are like, well, I can't get

around a fucking truck, so I guess we lose. See? See how easy it is? How tall is a truck? Basketball ring is 9 foot, I think. 13 foot is a truck. Basketball ring is nine foot, I think. 13 foot is a truck. Okay.

Yeah, yeah. 14 feet. Good. And how tall is a basketball? Ring. Ring. This is what I like about this, right? Is that to get to the ring past-

10 feet. Well, there you go. But to get to the ring past your truck, you need to move the ball onto the truck. But the basketball, you can't not dribble. So that means they're going to have to try and dribble and climb onto the truck, but in basketball, you can't not dribble, so that means they're going to have to try and dribble and climb onto the truck. Well, hang on a second.

There's also nothing in the rulebook saying that you can't climb another player, is there? No. No, you wouldn't be able to. It would be a foul, which means that my truck would have to take some free throws. I'm just imagining if, say, the opposition were able to

climb onto your trailer, and then they would have to pass it up, and then yeah, can someone jump 14 feet? No. I was going to say, if they can climb you, slam dunk Ceresia, because they're there. They're up there. They don't need to jump for it.

It's good to imagine as well, you somehow getting the ball through like the truck cab, climbing into the truck, out the roof and just slam dunking. Cause you're, you're there. Except you're not playing basketball. The truck is right. Yes. Correct.

Okay. Okay. All right. So again, the, the world record for biggest jump, standing jump is 5.3 feet. So you're good. That's a big jump. That's huge.

That's why it's a world record. Yeah, no, but some world records I'm not impressed by. But this one I'm impressed by. Like when people are like, oh, the longest toenail is fucking seven meters. That's just doing nothing for a long time. That's not impressive. If someone came to me and said, I have the record for the world's most unwiped arse,

I'd be like, yeah, who cares? I can also do nothing if I were. I don't know, that's pretty impressive. That's some dedication. The drive to wipe would be full on. Imagine being the judge for that. Yeah, gotta give it a sniff. Imagine checking that against other- Is this the filthiest arse I've ever seen

Only the judge can know What about Dusha when And this is something we didn't discuss For the others but it's true Because there are no rules saying you can't have a truck That means that there's no rules saying The opposing team can't have a truck And eventually are you not just doing

Like a derby Around a basketball However as opposed to getting a truck. And eventually are you not just doing like a derby around a basketball? However, as opposed to getting a truck, there is nothing in the rulebook saying that I can't get a world-class pole vaulter in. Oh, that's true. But if that pole vaulter lands

on the truck, that's a foul. Nothing in the rulebook saying I can't bring a crane in. And I lift up the truck to let my team dribble underneath. Hey, Jackson, is the crane a player on the opposition team? I guess so. Then the truck gets a foul. Well, there's nothing in the rule book saying that I can't bring a cherry picker.

Yes, that's true. Now it's a game of height. Who can get the highest to do that? So someone brings a cherry picker in, and the other person gets a crane with a basket. You know, it's just going to... Someone has like, fuck it, I'm going to have a hot air balloon. I mean, imagine the slam dunk.

But the higher you get, the harder it is to get in the ring. Incorrect. What do you mean, incorrect? No, because imagine there's no rule that says you can't get a world-class diver on your team. So you get a world-class diver in a hot air balloon to dive out holding the basketball in through the hoop. The greatest dunk ever done in the history of basketball. My God.

This man is going to dive and get not into a pool of water, not into a bucket of water, but is going to slam dunk this basketball into that basketball ring. Do you know what rules out that? It's worth two points. Yeah, but imagine this. As he goes through the basketball hoop, which is smaller than a man, he gets skinned because that's what would happen

and the game of basketball is cancelled forever because that's the worst thing anyone could ever say everyone's like yes yes yes and then as it gets closer to the ring they're like wait a second this is not gonna, oh no oh no basketball's cancelled forever

this is the worst thing I've ever seen skinless man hitting the court and then underscore board, two points is great or what's even worse Jack is if he kind of realizes this the diver and what they do is they go for the dunk

but because they're going from such great heights he slams the ball through the hoop grabs onto the hoop arm rips right off out of their sockets two points. Doucher in the trucks.

Instantly the least interesting thing happening. Well, the game of basketball has truly been turned into a fucking circus. Basketball has gone forever. No more games. So while you are a great defense, there will be times when I think the opposition will foul you. So how are you going with shooting? I guess I just put the ball on the bonnet

and then I press the bonnet release button and hope the ball goes in. It'll just fling it to the windshield. How quick and with enough force does that open? Can you add springs to make it harder? It's so good, though, to imagine you being like, shoot, and the bonnet flings the basketball into the windshield and you're every time like, ah! Like it always jumps.

Oh, no, that's right. That's what I'm doing. Oh, sorry. I was thinking mid-something. Oh, wait, no. That's what I'm doing. Oh, sorry. I was thinking of something. Oh, wait, no. That's on me. Sorry, sorry. And also, if you added sprigs to it,

they're like, all right, he's going for the free throw. Smash into the head. Dead. You fall onto the horn of the truck. Smash. Beep. Beautiful work. While I think you're doing an amazing incredible job It feels also

You're kind of doing the equivalent Of a wall You know what I mean So what is a truck bringing Apart from Essentially just being a wall What are the skills of a truck dude Gusto

Team spirit Moxie I could put the team skills on the truck dude gusto team spirit moxie I could put the team logo on the truck other advertising that's cool igam's chicken or whatever I can also put that logo on a wall so I'm trying to see the benefit of the wheels

I guess if you want to run down the opposing members the opposing team you can do that. But also... I can remove the truck from the court after the game. Yeah, that's good. Fuck. I can put the team in the truck and drive them to the next game. It works as a team bus.

I like the idea, though, of a brickie just layering down a wall while the game's happening around him. Also... He gets to a certain point and then like, fuck. Well, I mean, also in basketball you change sides. Yeah.

Oh, good point. So a brick wall will be great defensively and then terrible for your offense. Well, I was just looking up how big a truck is versus how big a basketball court is. But can you climb your own teammate? Hey, that's true. Oh, okay. A basketball court is. But can you climb your own teammate? That's true.

A basketball court is only like four meters shorter than a truck. So every time you have to change side, the billion point turn you're going to have to do is great. Well, I don't need to rest though, so that's alright. So during, like, they can just call timeout while I just slowly

back it up. But remember, you can't drive manuals. Well, that's easy, because that's just between reverse and first gear. No, that's true. You'll be okay. You'll be okay. Well, how many kids died? Possibly none.

Either none. Possibly none or possibly all of them, yes. Quick question, though, because I think this might be where the children die. How are you getting that truck into a stadium? I'm driving through all of the children. Oh, okay. The child barrier around every stadium.

You're like, it's not going to stop me. And you plough through the kid. Yeah. Maybe even a high school or something on the way. Because can, yeah, okay. Well, that's... Going out of the way for all this going on. It's just faster.

You can't be late for the game Yeah, that's true How wide is those entrances where all the players come through? Can that fit a truck? No Or are you just going to have to take that at speed? You know that the answer is that that hole is much smaller than a truck And now, do you remind me, that hole has seats on top of it, correct?

So as you drive through, you collect a portion of the audience. Well, it depends. Sometimes it doesn't have seats over it, but sometimes, yes, it does.

So depending on where you are playing, you will collect members of the audience who will get like a really front row seat to the entire game.

Another quick, yeah, another quick question for this truck show. So those entrances are usually like reinforced concrete. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Now, is that more powerful than the top speed of a truck? No. No way.

A very exciting game today. It has been discovered that in the rule book, there's no rule that says a truck can't play basketball so we'll have a truck in the court today and then everybody's just waiting and then it cuts to you

outside being like hmm hmm how am I gonna get just bonnet smoking I can't drive

manual so I should have just brought Optimus Prime yeah well there you go yes no because even to get through Optimus Prime. Yeah, that would have... Well, there you go. No, because even to get through Optimus Prime would have had to crawl.

That's fine. It's still easy. That's gross to imagine. Absolutely. How tall is Optimus Prime? Yeah. Let's see how... If you could have gotten Optimus onto the pitch. Optimus is too big. He's too big. He'd wreck the game for everyone. He's 22 feet tall, so he could easily dunk.

Yeah, yeah. He's treading on everyone. His team, the opposing team, the audience. And we've got a because they get scripted by Optimus Prime. It's an exciting day here for sports. Oh. I was going to say, what if we got, like,

someone a little bit shittier? Bumblebee? But he is 17 and a half feet tall. Well, with the accident that happened with Optimus Prime, we've got Bumblebee. Again. It's crazy that they let you do it twice, frankly. Yeah, presumably three times after the truck.

I was just stuck outside. I was like, I'll ask Optimus Prime. Let's go with maybe the biggest Transformer. This is, I think, a Decepticon. How big is Devastator? 100 feet tall. He can just stand on the entire stadium, and then no one ever plays basketball again.

Yeah. Was that the goal? You've had the largest effect on the sport. Twice. Twice basketball has been cancelled as a sport. They brought it back, and they let you break it again so I mean that wasn't the goal after that man lost his skin

we thought we'd bring it back the man responsible for that escalation said he had some cool robots he wanted to show us then the entire stadium got stood on and so he's wrecked basketball twice.

This is it. One more chance. It's a three strikes you're out situation. Well, yeah. Okay. Look, we killed a lot of people and I don't know if we improved any of the sports. But they were interesting to watch for a bit. Yeah.

Just like Air Bud himself. Did we stick it to jocks today? Yes. They were probably unhappy by this all, so that's good. We'll take that as a win. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, there, yeah, yeah.

And on that note, I've been Joe. I've been Jackson. And I've been Joel. Goodbye. Goodbye. Good luck. And happy ball games. Yeah.

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