Plumbing the Death Star - What Would You Bring To Danny Ocean's Ocean's Eleven That Ocean Doesn't Already Have?

Episode Date: December 29, 2019

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Sands Pants Radio, Australia's least coherent podcast network. Hey you handsomes, were you a fan of our playthrough of the 1986 tabletop RPG Dinosaur Park but wanted to hear how Adam and Cass would handle the official yet rarely referenced expansion Dinosaur Park 2, Dinosaur Land? Then do we have great news for you. Dinosaur Land is coming to SandsPantsPlus.com on January 1st, 2020. All you have to do is sign up to SandsPantsPlus.com at any level from now until January 31st and you'll get access to the complete playthrough, New Year's Morn.

Get in quick because come February, it'll only be available to SandsPants Kings. So just head to Sandspansplus.com today and sign up so you can enter the new year listening to the terrible atrocities that Adam and Cass unleash onto an unsuspecting dinosaur land. Hey everybody and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, what would you bring to Daddy Ocean Ocean's oceans 11 that ocean doesn't already have. Medical advice. Third ocean.

I'm full of words. Got to get them out. Third ocean chucked in for no reason. I'm full of words. Got to get them out. Bonus ocean for everybody. A stroke specialist. That's for Dushan doing his introduction right now. Because I was thinking, okay, so Shaw, your classic heist team, which Danny Ocean has. Yeah, he's got an extended one, expanded list.

He's got 11. He does. You got your face. Yep. You got your He's got 11 He does You got your face You got your getaway driver You got your smooth talker You got your skinny boy that can get in little spaces Acrobat? Yeah

You got your bomb man Demolitions expert I got three left You got Julia Roberts You got Danny Ocean himself He's the mastermind. Is there a fall dude? Yeah, the fall dude.

Oh, the money. The money. And the money. The money. Old money. Old money. These are all typical heist positions. They're all taken.

They're taken. If we want them, we got to come up with something new, something hot, something tasty. Something delicious. Something that Danny Ocean will hear and he'll be like, I can't say no to that. By God, I'm glad I'm not in prison anymore so I can say yes to this. Ocean's 12.

Which is coming. Ocean's 14. So what can we bring? Wow, look. Yes. So. Yes. There's a bunch of people in, as we've just mentioned, like 11 people, maybe more with Julia Roberts, plus partners, I

assume. That's like a medium-sized party. That's a medium-sized party, all right? And you know what you always- Maybe a dinner party. Yeah. Well, okay, if it's a dinner party, it's- It's pretty big, actually. Pretty big.

If it's a Dungeons and Dragons party, it's fucking huge. Yeah, that's true. If it's a birthday party, a bit sad. Yeah. Well, if it's a family birthday party. No, if it's a birthday party for a sad. Yeah. Well, if it's a family birthday party. No, if it's a birthday party for a teen. Depressing. But if it's a birthday party for an old man,

that's pretty good innings. Unless it's a milestone birthday, in which case depressing. If it's a 21st, a 40th. Yeah. But a 26th, pretty good. That's pretty good. Hey, it's pretty big.

Either way. Casual drinks, huge. huge Either way that's a lot of people I'm always going to have meetings People gathering together Talking about the heist They won't shut up about it When you're chatting about a heist When you're planning a heist How long do you think it's going to take

What an hour? No Probably over the course of multiple days When you're planning a heist How long do you think it's going to take? What, an hour? No Is it going to take maybe six hours? No Probably over the course of multiple days Whoa That's longer than I was allowing in my diary 6pm to 11pm

But you know what you're going to have to do during those hours? What? Eat That's true Clever Got to get some grub in you Catering They don't have catering

What? I can provide catering for your team. Are you cooking or are you buying the food? Because it's important to make the distinction now. I will cook. Okay, what are you cooking? Because I think there's good heist food and bad heist food. And I'm interested to see what good heist food is.

Yeah. Because I know what bad heist food will be, and I wonder if Joel Zim is going to fall into this trap. I'm imagining bad heist food would be like greasy food and burgers and pizzas. I was imagining a curry. I was imagining looking over a blueprint with a spoonful of, I don't know, butter chicken.

You're going to have to have a lot of these kind of foods, right? So initially you want to have some kind of like a platter. Yeah. A lovely cheese platter. Yeah. And some like a chuturi board. Yeah. Some of those bad boys.

This is a bit of like an open up, maybe some grapes on the side. The food that kind of sprung to my mind as a terrible high food hasn't come up yet. And I'm interested to see if you walk into this mine. Okay. So when you were playing, if you ever played some sports. Oh no. This sounds like a leading. into this mine. Okay, so when you were playing, if you ever played some sports, when you were... This sounds like a leading. When you were in high school or whatever,

you'd often be like, there's a big game tomorrow. Yep. Pasta. No! That's a terrible... It's all carbs. It's all carbs.

There it is. It hit the mine. You fall. You walk straight into it. There it is. It hit the line, you fool. You walked straight into it. Oh, man, time to get into this little box. I'm so tired in the car right there. Yeah, the day before you have a big meal of spaghetti. I need to shit big.

Imagine opening the safe, but there's that little contortionist in there because he got so carb-tired. See, I was thinking like spiral pasta with some pesto through it. Oh, man, that's so heavy. Delicious food. Also orange slices halfway through. Imagine orange slices halfway through is great because you've got to do every part of the heist.

The guy in the safe, you've got to dodge your way through the laser beams to be like orange slices stay hydrated give you a drink of water the face who's trying to like bamboozle whoever is there to kind of get the keys

or whatever walking up with a big platter of oranges hey hey just for you sir oh is everyone no no just him just him

he needs you guys maybe maybe go have some pasta I like to also imagine the face being like anyway baby if you'll just give me the doing a big pesto burp sorry I had pesto for dinner I like to also imagine the face being like, anyway, baby, you'll just give me the...

Doing a big pesto burp. Sorry, I had pesto for dinner for some reason. You don't just plan the heist the day before you do the heist. So pasta would be probably very good leading up to the heist, but beforehand... Carbo-loading. Carbo-loading. You've got to think on a good pasta belly.

What is a good meal for a test the next day for planning, for thinking? So you're saying that pesto pasta is thinking food. Each fish is good for your brain. There we go. Fruits. You can't just live off food alone. If I hired catering and they just gave me a fruit platter, I would be angry. Here's some apples.

Oh, what's for dinner? I'll plan the heist. Have a fucking banana. Smoothies is good heist food. Smoothies is good heist food. Hey! Hey! Jon Uther is lit as he's being attacked by invisible ghosts right now.

Hey! Get off me! Well, if you look at our- Fruits! Yes. I'm not sure his literacy is being attacked by invisible ghosts right now. Hey, you're a gay. Get off me. Well, if you look at it. Fruits are bad, but smoothie good. It's the same shit. Smoothie you can down in one go. Smoothies you can add stuff like protein.

That's awesome. You can add eggs to it. Yeah. You can add all kinds of good things. Kale. Nuts. Whatever. Chuck some kale.

Chuck some nuts in those. Protein balls. Yeah. Yeah. Kale. Nuts. Whatever. Chuck some kale. Chuck some nuts in those. Protein balls. Yeah. Alright. Smoothies. We're going to go to local Boost Juice. I'm going to subcontract. Too much sugar. Bad idea. Oh yeah, look. True. Okay, hang on. You're shitting all over my

ideas of what makes good catering. I said fruits and I got shit on just as much. So what do you want to serve? So apples? You're imagining people eating apples while they're playing the house? So I was agreeing with Jackson's fish idea. Yeah, fish is good. So a fruit platter to start with or to end

with. Not as the main meal. Maybe a sandwich platter where people can choose their portioning so they don't get carb tired from too much bread. You can choose their portioning so they don't get carb tired from too much bread. You can choose your portioning with spaghetti. What restaurant have you ever been to? Yeah, that's a restaurant.

I'm catering. I got a big bowl of spiral pesto pasta. You've got one of those trays, those tin foil trays. Yeah, a big bain-marie going. That's up to them. Everyone grabs a plate. They go through it. There'll be potatoes there.

There'll be broccoli, greens, beans maybe. Potatoes. Cheese. Pasta. Turkey. Wine. Get some turkey. They can loosen up.

Everyone's all frazzled. I love wine platanel. It's so funny to imagine them in the car and they're like, Danny, what's the plan? He's like, I really think we should have eaten all that pasta. Maybe we call it a night. I'm so tired. This is great.

Then I get a contract extended because I haven't had the heist yet. So they'll need more food. Circle around. They're like, we'll do it tomorrow. Do it tomorrow. Come back. So they'll need more food. Circle around. They're like, we'll do it tomorrow. Do it tomorrow. Come back. Where are that pasta? Now we're talking.

Oh, pasta bake? What a good meal. Pasta bake is the, like that's somehow worse than spaghetti. You've got to think, not only am I feeding all these people, but there's a lot of them. And that's a cheap meal. Why is it cheap? Isn't Danny Ocean a millionaire?

He does heists. No, for me. Me. For me, it's cheap. I'm going to be tired. He's paying you. Yeah. And I've got to look after my profit margin.

Danny Ocean pays you a very exorbitant amount and gets a pasta bake. I'll add some truffles to it or something. He'll be like, look, it's rich or shit. Oh, this oily pasta bake. Smells like truffles to it or something. They'll be like, look, it's rich or shit. Oh, this oily pasta bag. Smells like truffles, I guess. I don't like greasy food because I imagine a lot of planning a heist is rolling out a blueprint and pointing.

And you can leave a lot of greasy fingerprints. No finger food. No finger food. Only eating with forks or gloves. I'll provide gloves. What were they eating before the pasta? He's just thinking. I'm thinking ahead.

I'm thinking ahead. What did they eat before the pasta in your catering plan? Because we're at the main meal, but you already pitched an entree. Yeah. Is that cheese? Cheese platters? Cheese. Chocutti we bought.

Yes. And what is that? Salami. And what is salami and meat? But you use toothpicks or little tiny forks. Or, like the Earl of Sandwich invented, bits of bread. It's so funny to imagine the Ocean's Eleven team arriving at the catering tray and there's some bread and gloves.

Wait, what are we meant to do here? It's so that when you point on the map, you don't wreck it. We had a complaint about getting grease on maps. Why don't you just pick non-greasy food? Because you need spaghetti to carbo-lose. What? We're doing a heist. Spaghetti will calm you down, put you to sleep.

Exactly. Everyone's going to be thinking like, oh, no, what am I going to be doing, stressing? But a good spaghetti sleep, everyone's going to be thinking like Oh no, what am I going to be doing stressing But a good spaghetti sleep Everyone's going to be pretty happy We found Danny Ocean today asleep Attached by a wire to the roof It seems like he fell asleep From having too much carbs

In the morning Lots of black coffee I want everyone jittery I want everyone wired For the main event Except for the face who needs to be calm, they have another heaping bowl of spaghetti. Joel Zamen.

Yes. In the morning. And, hey, this is a personal question, so feel free to not answer. When you have your strong coffees, what do you then instantly have to do? Oh, yeah, big shits. Yeah, imagine the face. Hey, baby. Oh, sorry, there was a pesto burp

That's why the face can't have coffee So when they open the safe Because the little contortionist was in there They're like, he shat himself There was nowhere for him to go And he shat himself Coffee is good Everyone has to wake up maybe two hours before

Because I imagine we only have maybe one or two bathrooms Two hours before, neck a imagine we only have maybe one or two bathrooms. Yeah, that is true. Two hours before, make a lot of coffee. Everyone takes turns. Uh-huh. Takes a big shit. What? To defecate.

To be fair, in Sam's defense, before our heist, I'd want to take a big shit. Yeah, no, that's understandable. I wouldn't want to interrupt him. But when you're the caterer and you're actively choosing to mix spaghetti with black coffee. Spaghetti and black coffee, the breakfast of champions. Even if it's the night before.

No, you're right. It's not strong enough. Turkish coffee. Little Turkish coffee and a big bowl of spaghetti. So you're very wired, but when you crash, you crash hard. That's the aim. Yeah. Maybe we have a lot of Turkish coffee throughout the day beforehand as well,

but we stop them at about 6 p.m. I'm a big fan because so much of a heist relies on precision and people being hyper aware. So people being jittery and sleepy at the same time. The heist is going to go wrong in so many interesting ways. Danny Ocean's not going to figure out, you know, they've got to change the money over or however it goes. It's not going to figure out You know they've got to change the money over Or however it goes

It's not going to happen Full English for breakfast Additionally to the spaghetti No The spaghetti's only for the face He's going to remain calm He's going to remain dying No one's calm after they eat spaghetti for breakfast

It doesn't calm you down It makes you sleepy doesn't calm you down, it makes you sleepy. Calms you down heaps. Spaghetti for breakfast has never calmed anyone down. He's not going to pickpocket Brian. What is carbonara but breakfast spaghetti? That's why they call it calm-banara. Calm-banana.

Big bowl of calm-banara, you say, as you crack an egg into it and pour hot coffee in it. I call it my morning delight, boys. Mama mia. I would love to see. Eat it while it's hot. Eat it while it's hot. I want to see like a blueprint rolled out with a big wine stain over it.

A bit of salami covering a bit of the casino. Greasy fingerprints everywhere. Big of spaghetti right in the middle. Some scrambled eggs off to the side. Scrambled eggs now. Well, you gotta get a full breakfast in. These are working boys.

Wars were won on the humble, full English. I don't think a full English involves spaghetti. That's a full Italian. The spaghetti's full. Keep up. That's a full Italian. The spaghetti is full. Keep up. The spaghetti is full last night.

And the face this morning. Because the face needs to remain calm. While everyone has a full English, the face has another big bowl of spaghetti. What is in a full English? Well, you have to have your eggs. You have to have your toast. There's more coffee on the side. Sausages.

Sausages. Bacon. Two pork sausages. Blood pudding. Blood pudding. Blood pudding. White pudding maybe if I'm being fancy. What did you say being moments ago

about greasy food? No, but they're not looking at a blueprint anymore. I mean, obviously there'll be a projector. They'll be looking at a... No, the projector

is more likely at the meeting. The blueprint will be in the truck right before they go in. The face doesn't have to touch the blueprint. The face's problem is going to be when he gently caresses his Mark's face as he's trying to seduce her and rubs grease down the side of it.

Pink pockets are in the pocket. And she's like, why does my pocket feel so greasy? A lot of carbonara still in there on their mustache. The face is eating spaghetti for breakfast, not the full English. The full English is for everyone else. That's right. The face is having carbonara for breakfast. I'm so sorry.

It's the breakfast spaghetti. He's having carbonara. He has a big yawn, and his mark's like, why are you so tired? And he's like, I had a big bowl of carbonara. And then he pickpockets her. And they're like, what's carbonara? And they're like, well, it is.

And then they explain it and distract, and then pickpocket. Okay, do we think that Zammett gets away with it? Is Zammett re-employed in Oceans next? Well, there's six out of the original 11 a shot in the head. Zammett on the side of the road eating spaghetti being like, that went wrong. Maybe Colman Arro was a bad decision.

How could something so bad been so good to eat yeah maybe i should have fed the security guards some carbonara maybe i'll get a job with the casino maybe i'll do catering for them it's so good to imagine them the next time they heist that casino seeing you like slopping carbonara to a plate in the cafeteria, and they're like, hey, you've rocked out. Six people are dead because of you. Me? What did I do? But they were well fed.

It's also a great amazing example to cross the road, just like, hope the heist is going well. Bang. Oh, no. No real reaction. Oh, man, they're dead. Grabbing something like a grater with some palms and just grating that on.

At least I have the spaghetti to calm me down. Delicious. Powerful. Tell me. I know it looks like orange juice. Oh, it's good. Yeah, hey, want to hear something that I probably should have brought up ages ago?

Heist at night. Not always. What follows night? What precedes night? So now Zabin's saying you have breakfast for dinner. No, I'm just saying that they're going to wake up at breakfast. All right, so then we'll have breakfast when they have breakfast. All right, maybe steak?

Oh, my God. A big steak. For lunch? Yeah, good. No, steak sandwich for lunch. More lunch? Yeah, good. No, steak sandwich for lunch. More carbs. Sure, great. For dinner?

No, we said a lot of spaghetti. No, wait, they've got to be alert. All right. Spaghetti is the night before. Yes, I figured. So basically the timeline for me is spaghetti for dinner. Then they go to bed the next day when they have a full English. That's the day of the heist.

We'll have heist Night over here. Yeah. All right, that'll be over here. And Heist Eve. And then we have over here Heist Eve. What they eat before for breakfast and lunch on Heist Eve, that's on them. That's their choice.

That's on their choice. Presumably nothing. They know they're going to get a hearty meal. I will offer a smoothie bar for lunch on Heist Eve if anyone wants to. Great. But for Heist Eve... Was that a sensible decision? That's weird.

Even a broken clock is right, I guess. So Heist Eve, a nice big pasta dinner. Carbonara spaghetti. Carbonara's for tomorrow. Only for the face. A nice big pasta, delicious. Maybe we'll chuck in some awesome garlic bread. And if I want, maybe we carbonara is for tomorrow. Okay. Only for the face. Only for the face. A nice big pasta, delicious.

Great, sure, fantastic. Maybe we'll chuck in some awesome garlic bread. Yeah, okay. And if I want, maybe we'll get some gelato, or maybe we'll get a gelato bar. Great. Yeah, so get some gelato for them. All right?

What is happening? He's planning a delicious meal. An Italian feast. Yes, Italian feast. Okay. And we'll have some coffees. Giles Emmett, the famous Maltese man. Is he having a great...

Are you planning great coffee the night before? I'm so tired, but I can't go to sleep. Lucky I've got nothing important on tomorrow. All right, all right, all right. I'll say decaf fucking. That's good. Decaf. Joel Zammett.

Look, for the listeners, if it hasn't become very, very apparent, he's just planned his ideal meal. What? And he's been like, oh,, he's just planned his ideal meal. What? And he's been like, oh, a coffee would go so nice with this. Imagine a lemon gelato and you have a nice coffee. It sounds good, but you've got a heist tomorrow. Lemon gelato and a coffee doesn't sound good at all. You don't know.

You don't know. Citrus, curdles, milk. Oh, you didn't drink milk. Not your belly. And, yeah, you have it black. Come on. Think. What's breakfast the next morning? Oh, you didn't drink milk. Not your belly. And yeah, you have it black. Come on. Think. Anyway, so.

What's breakfast the next morning? Okay, you got two different meals. One for the face because I've got to remain calm. Carbonara. Carbonara. Carbonara. And then you have the full English. Okay.

Everybody else eats many eggs and much ham. Gassy boys. Lots of ham, maybe some beans. Lunch. Lunch. Look, I reckon you could probably skip lunch or a nice pit of bread, maybe something like vitamin B because of all the- Oh, I forgot.

Wine? Yeah, there's wine last night. Wine last night. They got a hangover. Bloody Mary's for breakfast. You're right. Bloody Mary's. We'll add that down.

Oh, God. I feel so sick and tired. All right. Now, if that hasn't cured them. Okay. So now I know vitamin B. The day of the heist. The day of the heist.

The day of the heist. I'm standing there as you serve all these people. I just look over at the smoothie bar from yesterday. I'm like, he started so strong. Why did he just not reopen this? We're all so hungover. I need more bacon. Okay. So lunch. Now,. I need more bacon. Okay.

So lunch. Now it's a light lunch. Good. Now vitamin B is very good. Yeah. Especially when you've been drinking. Sure. So we'll have some Baroccas anyway, just in case.

If anyone didn't drink, Barocca's very good. Yeah. But also Vegemite. Okay. Baroccas and Vegemite. Vegemite on toast. Cool. Great.

Barocca bread. Perfect. Delicious. Yeah. Carb city. Carb city. Mate, look. All right. Fine. We'll go some pita bread. All right. Great. Okay. You've made it better. You're right. Cool. Great. Delicious. Carb city. Carb city. Mate, look, alright, fine. We'll go some pita bread. Alright, great.

You've made it better. If you've got someone complaining about oh, you know what's better though? Cheesy mite scrolls. Cheesy mite scrolls from bakers to white. Local reference for the oceans, boys. Guys, this is a bit of Australiana

for you. Give it a taste. Oh, I don't like the taste of this too bad. Like, guys, this is a bit of Australiana for you. Give it a taste. Oh, I don't like the taste of this too bad. Well, you're skipping lunch then, I guess. Yeah, look, bad luck, idiots. All right. Dinner. Dinner.

So, well, I think you were onto something when it came to fish. I was. So, we're going to have a nice fish dinner. So we're going to have delicious, like maybe- Tuna pasta. No, don't be silly. We've already had pasta. Oh, good reusing though. Economical.

You just open a can of tuna and a carbonara for brilliant. I like that the face needs to remain calm 12 hours before the heist. Yeah, because he's going to be napping through lunch. Think! The face has a midday nap.

He's got to be well rested. All right. So then we've got like a seared tuna or a seared salmon. What drink was available with breakfast, by the way? Oh, coffees. And Bloody Marys. Coffees, Bloody Marys, OJs. I was checking because I thought the face might have been drinking coffee and going to bed

so not sleeping and what's the breakfast drink with OJ's screwdrivers? yes, okay, so we can keep drinking hair of the dog, I guess cool that's where my profit comes in anyway, so

before the heist brain fruit so we can eat some good fish Anyway, so before the heist, brain fruit. It's very important. So we need some good fish. Yep. So either a tuna or a salmon, lovely seared. We get some broccolini, a long stem broccoli on that. Maybe a nice little glaze, all that kind of stuff.

Mashed potatoes on the side. Delicious. Brusset sprouts. Very nice. Peas. Get those real good green foods happening. And then they do the heist. And then.

Okay. I'mist. And then. Okay. I'm sorry. Forgive me. What happens next? Dessert. What's for dessert? What's for dessert, Joel? Well, I'm realizing we already had the gelato the day before.

So I would plan this is where I had the cheese. Oh, good. You want to be nice and cheesy before the heist. Cheese and, you know. Greasy meats. Gre the cheese. Oh, good. You want to be nice and cheesy before the eyes. Some cheese and, you know. Greasy meats. Greasy meats. Prosciutto. Prosciutto.

Artichoke hearts. Olives. Oh. Smell bad. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Maybe they're more the entree.

No, the cheese is dessert. But the other stuff would be the entree if you want. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe some like toasted like a focaccia or something. That'd be nice. So do you reckon you could eat that meal plan for a day? Yeah. And then just run 50 metres?

Or you could get up from a sitting position because I can't imagine. What are we doing again? Wait, what are we doing? Oh, fuck. Then everybody is asleep in the then everybody is asleep Or potentially vomiting Look I am disappointed that I haven't got a turkey Somewhere in here

Yeah it feels like you should Just have one going at all times A nice slow rate Maybe I'll cook a turkey And I'll come in and be like If you don't like veggie much sandwiches Some like Thanksgiving leftover Kind of like a theme you don't like veggie-munch sandwiches, some Thanksgiving leftover, kind of like a theme, you know,

a bit of turkey, crab. Oh, yeah. All right. Well, I think the heist fails. Six of the 11 shot in the head. Whoa, dude. That's crazy. The gymnast tries to climb a wall, is too greasy,

slides down, sets off the alarm. I like that they soldiered through and didn't nap. So I would call that a win in anything. Well, they needed to do the heist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was planned. They couldn't really call it off. All right.

Well, okay. I got something. Please. And I think it will actually help this situation. Okay. Are we doing the same heist? Yes. Oh, no.

Okay. Good to know. So what that heist needed. Danny's come to all three of us. The plumbing boys And hey, what am I good on? He came to us at a casino where we were continually losing at 21 No, I kept thinking he was called 20

I'm calling it 24 You gotta hit 24 Sir, you're on 17 Yeah, hit me Oh wow, 21 Hit me Hit me, because I gotta get to 24 Like the hours in the day, sir Hit me. Oh, wow. 21. Hit me. Hit me, because I've got to get to 24.

Like the hours in the day, sir. Like the TV show, 24, Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer. You remember that? 24 episodes all go for an hour, 24. Goes for 24 hours in total. He doesn't shit once. Tick, tick, tick, tick.

That's the clock. I can't do it because it's digital. Anyway, did I win? Yes, sir, but then you lost. I don't know what he's saying. Boys, I don't know what he's saying. Oh, Danny Ocean. What can we do for you? I hate this casino.

It robbed from us. I would like to rob it too. Well, boys. Yes. One thing that Danny Ocean's team doesn't have and one thing that I think that I would be able to get away with for long enough to buy time, is someone to stand out the front and call the cops.

Okay. So when the alarm goes off, I just head to the front like, don't worry, I'll call them. And then I pretend I'm on the phone to 911 for long enough that they're like, the police are on their way, but they're not on their way because I'm lying.

Okay. So the heist goes through without a hitch. You're at the front. They're like, sir, didn't you call the cops? I'm like, yeah, no, I'm not here. I'm on with them now. Well, sir. So while the 14 of us are all kind of greasy and heavy from the meals before,

sort of walking, strolling through the casino. You're relying on the bystander effect of raising your hand, but I've got this. So the alarms go off and they're like, well, we have an internal system. You're like, don't worry. Turn it off. I've got this. They might think it's a test where the urge.

You don't need it. You've got me, Joel Dusha. The urgency in my voice will contain, as to where the urgency... You don't need it. You've got me, Joel Dusha. The urgency in my voice will contain, will pertain exactly how urgent this is. It's so good to imagine you... Everyone hears alarms all the time. What they don't hear is, oh my God, I'm being robbed.

You, sir, isn't the casino being robbed? I am the casino because I love it so much. How do you know so much about what's happening currently? I'm in character. It's only great to imagine you outside, but like the windows are shut so they can see you through the glasses. You're just clearly fake talking.

Mama! Behind the counter being like, I don't think he's talking into that phone at all. Hello, policeman! There is something happening. Look, I don't want to give you more credit than maybe you deserve. I deserve all the credit. However, I think you might

be onto something of calling up the cops. Yeah. What if you legitimately called them up maybe an hour before on the other side of town somewhere else? Tie up the police. Here's what you do. You get really high off a telephone pole, call the police,

say, get me down. I'm stuck. Bring every officer in town. I will not stop yelling until I take it down. I'm up too high. So that might just get the fireys. Yeah, that's true. So you want to try and get...

Throw rocks at people! I'm up too high and maybe I'm a bomb! Is anyone buying this? You just... Okay, you've both gone a maniac idea. Throwing rocks isn't that bad.

As opposed to just lying about multiple crimes happening throughout the city. There are multiple people standing on top of telephone poles throwing rocks at bystanders. I can see them all because I'm on another one. I am one of them. You've gotten what I've said. You know, the bystander effect.

If you see one man climb a telephone pole, then you climb one, and then all of a sudden the whole city's on telephone poles throwing rocks. Officer, it's the bystander effect. I hate grounders now. I'm throwing rocks at anyone on the ground. The essential oils idea

of what I have of it being so diluted that it is no longer recognizable of what it once was. What about if Dusha calls the police from the front, but before the heist happens and then says, don't worry about it, and then they think, oh, he's just pranking us again the next time.

What if I call them three or four times, like 10 minutes before the heist goes on, so they're just like, nothing's wrong. Yes, because heists only take 10 minutes. 10 minutes is a bit early. 10 minutes before the alarm goes off. The cops are leaving, the alarm happens. They're just,-turn back.

Everyone is having a lovely time hanging around the smoothie bar. That's when you call the cops. Yeah, you start. They come down. They're like, oh, there's no one there. It's a false alarm. I forced the boy who cried wolf trick. Yeah.

And the last time, they will get eaten by the wolf one day the wolf meals a sheep hey that's good because if i'm the if i force the boy who cried wolf i'm both a wolf and the boy but a problem is that the the heist is gonna happen so when the cops are like that guy kept calling calling us. And then a crime did happen. Is that just a wild coincidence? Well, I could say that I overheard things. Okay. And they wouldn't take me sitting there.

See? Dobbing in the heist. I overheard things. These people did the heist. Wink. Well. So what? Okay, so you're bringing to the party a snitch.

Danny doesn't have a snitch. He doesn't have a snitch. He doesn't have a snitch. No one's snitching on the Oceans. Not intentionally, I don't think. I don't remember. He almost snitches on himself, but they're pulling some heist bullshit that the three of us don't get.

Danny Ocean will be like, here's the plan, and we'll just blank out. And I'll be like, so what are you telling Andrew Goss, Anthony Goss? Andrew Garfield? And I'll be there being like, man, this person needs more parmesan. And I'll be at the window being like, this bee has been trying to get in for the last hour, but it can't get in through this little gap. Danny, look.

I'm letting it in. Have you listened to a word I've said? No Well, just gesturing to the B So You understand, Daniel Daniel Ocean, right? Danford Ocean

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So, okay, so your plan. So my plan is, because if you call in, if I keep being like, even if I say, oh, I saw a suspicious activity in a different area, wait, wait, because they won't take me seriously. They'll just send two officers. Okay. That's all right. And if I know that the police,

part of the plan, I haven't just randomly done this. I can send those two officers in the same casino, but in a different spot. And then when the alarm goes off, the police station is like, ah, the police are already investigating it.

But it's just two fellas. Easy to avoid. Okay. So when they're like, hey, the alarm's gone off at the casino, that's a big deal. And they're like, we said two guys.

Think of it like a controlled explosion rather than an explosion explosion. It's like you're burning off. You're burning off the cops. You've still just got two cops. You've put two cops in the scene who wouldn't be there otherwise. Who are arguably maybe trained and have weapons. You're like, don't worry, guys. It's fine. It's controlled burning. We're like, don't worry, guys. It's fine.

It's controlled burning. We're doing controlled burning, but with police. They have guns. So do we. We'd say there's a heist happening. I don't think we've got guns. Surely you'd be like, there is a heist happening at another casino, a different casino.

But that doesn't. Hey, they've wired it so that it sounds like it's coming from a different casino, and they've wired hey, they've wired it so that it sounds like it's coming from a different casino, but this is the casino. I've seen them, they're storming it now. Help, help, come! Well, let's explore the on top of a pole

throwing rocks idea before we decide on Zalmatt's one. Because if you can tie up the another idea. Zammert's idea sounds like a good idea, but do you trust anyone who just fed a heist team spaghetti for dinner before heist? I don't. Can I suggest another alternative? Working within the same realm as

your idea. So you've got to tie up the cops. That's your goal number one. I'm pretty sure Danny Ocean also blows the power to the whole block, which is part of the thing. But I think an easy way My phone doesn't work work so i'm literally just faking it hello police going in up to the counter hello policeman winking at the guy behind the counter yes i was in an amp blast but my phone is working perfectly i guess i'm just lucky anyway Anyway, Mr. Police. They've just got like a wired like landline. Yeah, there's a man and he seems to think he's talking to the police.

I think we've got one. And then I'll interrupt and I'll be like, hey, are you on the phone to the police? Can I talk to them? I got some stuff to say. Well, I think a good way to tie up the police, I've been thinking about this, is if you can get into the aquarium and you can smash all the tanks,

that's a lot of work for the cops to kind of come and try and stop. Or the zoo, release the animals. Something that's going to tie up all the police in the area. Yes, aquarium. I'm like, that's just a lot of dead fish that are not cops' problems. That's a lot of unhappy staff working in the aquarium.

Also, do you know how they solve zoo outbreaks? How? They kill the gorillas. They just open fire. Well, you know what's better than killing a gor- Well, they're killing the gorillas, not the heist team. That's my thinking. That's true.

I guess we get to live another day whilst animals get closer to extinction. Yeah. And if you're willing to make that sacrifice, you make it away with a million dollars or whatever. Yeah, that's true. We rob a casino of a million dollars and rob some animals of their lives.

Yeah. Bada bing, bada boom. It's a win-win. Yeah, that gorilla child is fatherless. But aren't all gorillas? We've got a million dollars or whatever. Give the little ape some money. I feel like it's more than a million,

but again, none of us were paying attention. Okay, so go to every Avery, every privately owned zoo, every, any, dogs, cats, open every gate. Let the cops deal with them. And then they're like, well, we'd love to

stop the casino, but there are literal jaguars in suburbia. I think that if... Every animal. Open up gates for like, you know, in suburbia. I think that if... Every animal. Open up gates in suburbia. Let dogs roam free. If someone called the police and said, I saw an elephant in the street,

it's destroying a home. At the same time that a casino alarm is going off, the police are not going to the elephant. They might. One fella might. The rest are going to the casino. They might. One fella might. The rest are going to the casino. What a poor guy.

Holy shit, they were right. It's really an elephant. I am under. But if they get multiple reports of multiple elephants and other animals going all haywire. And again, you're doing this before the heist goes off because you want to send as much pandemonium. Dilute the police force.

Because if you're sending literally every animal for some reason, get like, okay, what you want to do is you get a shit ton of catnip. Yeah. Yes. And dog whistles. And dog whistles. You just drive him into a frenzy. And leftover carbonara.

You put that in the middle of like the city. You become like an evil pied piper. But for pets. Yeah. Pets and zoo animals. The cops just shoot you. And all of my animals. All right, seven dead Heisman.

Oh, boy. Shot in the back of the head, kind of no matter what your plan is. Shot in the head earlier if you call the police to the casino. I'm still on the phone. They just don't even ask any questions. Shoot me. You did this. Oh, it's the last words.

I like I get a death cry even though I was shot in the head. Okay. How'd I go? Everyone got shot in the head. Oh. Okay. How'd I go? Everyone got shot in the head. Everyone? Or only five still? Look, you got yourself and countless animals shot. And you added more police to the.

So they might have gotten people shot quicker. Yeah. Yeah. I'd say everyone did. I did. I did well. What could have been a heist was a massive tragedy. Okay, so what my thinking is. Yes.

It's almost in a similar sort of logic to yours. Hey, you're also calling the cops. Yeah, no. See, I will act out. My role in the heist will be to perform a worse heist the week before to lull the casino into a false sense of security. So I go in, I guess, alone.

Play all roles badly. Get arrested. Don't rob them of anything. But they're like, well, the crime has happened. It's not going to happen twice in one week. Uh-huh. Security is lower. So when something bad happens at a thing.

You know when you say if you have a car. Yes. And someone like breaks in or smashes a window or whatever. Yeah, sure. And steals something. Do you then be like, oh, I guess I'll just lower the windows every time I leave my car, or are you like maybe I won't leave my valuables

in the car? But maybe somebody tries to break into your car, and you see their ineffectual scramblings at your window, and you're like, my car is strong enough. What if... I don't need to do a thing. What if you left the house and you locked your door, and someone had somehow the key to get in, and they just made it a bit messy but didn't take anything, would you left the house And you locked your door And someone had somehow the key to get in

And they just made it a bit messy but didn't take anything Would you change the locks or would you leave the door unlocked? Or open You got a door and a house Yep, yep I can imagine both of those things quite easily With ease, don't mean to brag Instead of somebody getting into your house

You just come one day and say that there's a lot of scrapes on your lock Because they couldn't get the key in. But the house is strong enough. But they had the key. Or maybe the lock's mangled because they tried to get a key in and it didn't fit. And you're like, well, house is safe enough. No.

Same principle, but I heist a casino. If I know that someone has tried to break into my house, I would go into panic mode. Tried and failed. That's what I just said. His death count will be much lower than ours because he'll get shot in the back of the head and then that's it.

But yes, if someone has tried to break into the house, I would be freaking out. I would then up security. Maybe change the locks, get more locks, get cameras, personal guards, call the cops. But I don't think that they're going to think. That's just a house. If I break into the casino.

So if you've not only tried, you've succeeded. Well, no, I have to succeed a bit for it to work. I work at work. Okay, so hang on. So with one person, you've succeeded a bit. Yeah, or I go in, maybe I've gotten one set of keys. So you go to the vault, you get to the vault I get to at least the lasers

And they get me The lasers get you? You've gotten far And that would mean to be like, wow We need to reassess our security So even though, I'm assuming what you've done Is gotten Danny Ocean's plans And read them all

And then done that. Can I borrow these for the night? Yes. As long as you don't enact your stupid plan of doing the heist first. In a week, so in a week where they're meant to be planning and eating some amazing food, what they have decided then

is anything that they've planned now is out the window because the casino has now changed the way they do everything. Okay, okay. What if I get my own heist team and I do exactly Danny Ocean's plan but we intentionally fail?

Same thing. When Danny Ocean's plan is enacted when Danny Ocean does it, they're like, he's not gonna win. It didn't work last time. But he does it right and wins. So if, okay, I have a combination. I like referring to robbing a bank as winning.

Yes. Okay. So I have a combination lock. And let's just say I know whatever I've put it as like one, two, three, four. Okay. And I'm like, that is my combination. It is safe. Someone has come in and put one, two, three, four into the safe,

but not taking anything. No. My safe tracking goes in and goes one, six, six, six. And then it's like, I can't get into the camera. I still change. We fail everything. My face man comes in and is like, give me the keys in your pocket. Aha.

And then he looks at the camera and he's like, I can't do it. And I, in the car, I guess, come out and I'm like, police officers? I organized a bad heist. Don't fear this style of heist. do it. And I, in the car, I guess, come out and I'm like, police officers? I organised a bad heist. Don't fear this style of heist. Then I go to jail. But that's part of the plan. Now they have to then commit another crime.

Who does? Is it if they're breaking you out? No, I didn't think that was a problem. Let him rot in jail like the scum he is. Yeah, I figured I was rotting. You know those people who are professional jailbirds? You reckon you're Bronson? Yeah. I'll just stay in jail like the scum he is. Yeah, I figured I was rotting in jail. You know those people who are professional jailbirds? You reckon you're Bronson? Yeah. I'll just stay in jail for a bit and then I'll come out and get a-

Just that. Just that alone, Jack, is a fine plan to add to the ocean. What, go to jail? Yes. Be the fall guy. Is that because it gets me out of the way? Be the fall guy. I don't want to be the fall guy.

I've also got a fall guy. Yeah, exactly. You don't need two. But we've just made another entire second heist team, which are all now fall guys. I have hired the worst The worst of the worst.

But then you've left a paper trail. The biggest failed heist imaginable. We all go to jail. Danny Ocean tries and they're like, surely it's not happening twice. Because let you go. They wouldn't do the same heist twice.

All right. The person that has hired everyone else is as smart as you. Okay. So that's left a paper trail directly to Danny Ocean. If Danny's like, I'm going to hire you. And you're like, I've got an idea. You're going to squeal on Danny Ocean hour one. I reckon the first time he speaks, he's like, right've got an idea. You're going to squeal on Danny Ocean hour one. I reckon the first

time he speaks, he's like, right. Doing a fake heist for Danny Ocean. Seven words in. He's doing a fake heist for Danny Ocean. So when he does the real heist, you won't expect it. You won't expect it. It's a week from now to the minute.

Set your watches. Everybody? I'm not lying, I promise. Keep an eye on the news. Yeah, I'm going to go to jail. So you've got now Jackson's 11. Yes. The worst lock pick in the world. Doesn't even know how to open a conventional lock.

Never seen a key before in his life. They're all now in jail and they're all being interrogated. The chances they all know what your plan is is very high. I would say to the point of 100%. Then I'll go to jail and also Danny Oshawa

and the rest of them. Can't try Danny for the same crime. It's a different crime. You don't have to. You don't have to commit the crime to die. You know attempted murder is a crime, yeah? Yeah.

Attempted a heist. I know, I'm going to jail. You just said he would. No, Danny Ocean won't. Yes, he will. He's conspiring. How is it connected to me? Because you've told people.

Well, that was your decision. I'd endeavor not to. All right, fine. You've got a whole team of 11. Wait, wait, to. All right, fine. You've got a whole team of 11. Wait, wait, wait. All right. Jackson. What's up?

I am the worst lockpick in the world. You're interviewing me. Yeah. Go. Who hired you? What? No one yet. You're meant to be hiring me.

I thought it was the cops. You're Jackson. I can see how the cops outwitted him Don't waste your case on that alone I just don't think any more is needed I think we proved your point You're dumb everyone shot including my

heist team your heist team, daddy ocean team somehow 22 people shot 22 people dead somehow 50 civilians as well went that bad I got the worst face man in the world in that

he's just a guy with a gun and loose morals. Oh, wow. This went really bad. Danny, I'm sorry. Your last words as the bullet travels through your skull. Whoops.

At least everyone had a good last meal Yeah well Spaghetti Well he went a week before He didn't even get that I just heard it was coming I'm excited to finish this fake heist And get the spaghetti

Won't you be in jail? I don't know We'll just see how it goes Maybe not I could be rich. You get cocky, like, maybe I could actually do this. Maybe that's what we're. Because I'm looking at the worst heist team ever convinced.

Start believing your own bullshit. So, you know, you say you've never seen a key or lock before, but, like, you get the idea, yeah? No, not at all. Not at all. And you're the explosives guy, but you just brought a sledgehammer. What? Can we talk about that? No. Okay.

I reckon we might have this. Yeah, I reckon we've got this. And my face man is a clown. So conspicuous it's not conspicuous. Did you meet? I hired him for a child's birthday party, and now he's doing this.

My blueprint is just like one of those maps from the back of McDonald's, like a kiddie map from McDonald's. I like the idea you've just drawn a map from looking at the building on the outside. From one angle. I reckon I got it. It's a square.

Yeah, well. Jackson, there's no doors on this map. Huh? Well, you'll see them. You'll tell where they are. I don't even know what I'm doing about it. You're going to see it when you get in there. We'll wing it.

We'll wing most of this. We got this. Just keep going down. That's where they keep the money. Yeah, they didn't put it on high. In a big Scrooge McDuck style vault. That's why everyone's been given a sack to put coins in. Everyone gets a sack

and a bathing suit. Yeah. And the sack's got a big dollar sign on the side. I got whatever the opposite of a contortionist is. He's so stiff. Just like a corpse. Hmm. He's so stiff Just like a corpse You didn't do well No, I guess I did the worst of the three of us

But none of us did great Yeah, there was casualties in all situations I guess Danny might have Had it all planned out Yeah, he kind of had it good We were an unnecessary addition I guess Danny might have had it all planned out. Yeah, he kind of had it good. Yeah. We were an unnecessary addition, you know?

We know that the heist is successful. We've seen the film. It works in the movie. They say on the big screen, baby. We've got proof. Yeah, look. Look, if you want to see how well it went for Danny, I guess, download Ocean's Eleven.

Just head to iTunes.com. Yeah. iTunes isn't real anymore. iMovie.com. Yeah. Download it and play this episode over the top as a sort of commentary. Obviously, the movie's longer than this episode, so play this episode twice. Yeah. And on that note, I've been Joel.

I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel And we've been failures Whoops Sorry Daniel Sorry Dan for Dosh Thanks for listening And if you want to follow us on Twitter

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