Plumbing the Death Star - What Would You Do If You Got Superman's Powers Right Here Right Now?

Episode Date: January 8, 2023

Be it cosmic ray, genie’s wish or just a thing that happens, the boys have somehow gotten all the powers of Superman and now have to answer if great power does in fact come with great responsibility. Jackson immediately wanders off to commit brain surgery while the Joels try and see what they can do for NASA. We all try different ways to take Zammit’s wife for a nice holiday to Hawaii, realize our cats wouldn’t understand Italy and maybe the best way to deal with all these powers is to become a symbol of peace through war by being the benevolent dictator you know and love. It’s Super Coke Cock Man v Space Joels in a battle for humanity as we’ve all got zero consequences and zero drive so who really cares?Buy our terrible merch here and check out the Bad Brain Boys on Apple Podcasts at apple.co/badbrainboys. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. Ahem. You're listening to the Sandspans Network. Hello, and now that I have your attention, welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the impo- I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. And this is the podcast where we ask the important questions,

like, what would you do if you got Superman's powers right here, right now? So Superman's powers, many and varied. Oh, yeah. He got fly. Yeah. He got cold breath and he got hot breath. No, he's got hot eyes.

Hot eyes. No, I think he's got hot breath too sometimes. He's got powerful breath. Okay, big breath and cold breath. Hot eyes. Hot eyes. I've lost count of which powers my fingers represent. He's also got, yeah, x-ray vision.

X-ray vision, super strong. It's probably, I mean, like the ones to go powerful breath number two when you could have simply been flight, fast, strong, invulnerability. What else? Well, then that's when the heart. Then you're in the breath territory. Cold breath, hot eyes. Just a quick Google of Superman's powers.

Oh, no mistake. Invulnerability, superhuman strength, heat vision. Can I come back to that one? Because that's going to throw us all off, I think. Make a little guy in your hand. Healing factor. Okay. Okay.

Agility, it just says. Yeah. So superhuman breath. Okay. Superhuman olfaction. So good smelling. Good sniffing. Superhuman vision.

Okay. And superhuman. Superhuman vision. Okay. And superhuman control of face muscles. And then the one I missed, shapeshifting. Shapeshifting. Excuse me. Pardon? When can he do that? Can he become like a dog?

Excuse me, Google. When does Superman... Superman does not do that very often, does he? No. He occasionally does things, though, where you're like, when was that a power? Like when he picks up... He takes the S off his chest and throws it. He also sometimes has super ventriloquism in older comics, I know.

He also... Yeah, he can throw his shield. That happened in Superman 2. He also... He can make a little guy, a little mini version of Superman. Yeah, mini Superman. Yeah. Okay, universal translation.

Okay. Speak every language. You can phase through objects. Can you now? Yeah, all right. Is this question, what have you got every power in one go? Yeah, so the shape-shifting Superman. There's no mind control.

That's the only one. Superman has yet to get mind control. So this was the golden age when Superman had super muscles that could mold his face and body like clay. That's awesome. So you said, sorry, no mind powers, you said? Yeah, no mind powers. Well, see, he's got telepathy. Oh, that's right.

He's got telekinesis vision. Why is it a vision? Okay, all right. I want you to guess this one, but I just don't know how you ever could. Okay, so this involves, I guess, you need another person for this one. Okay. Body swapping. Can he swap brains with somebody?

Superkiss. Ah, what he does to Lois at the end of Superman 1 or 2, where he's like, come here, baby. I'll give you a big kiss. I'll forget everything. I'll wipe your memory. So he can erase people with a kiss. Erase people's minds with a kiss.

That's as made famous in dumb movies. Awesome good stuff. Awesome powers. Yeah, that's a good one. Really? Why is Superman just kissing everyone? Any of these villains

just give them a smooch? Yeah, smooch. Brainiac. Brainiac's like, what was I doing again? So you said no mind powers again. So he's got telepathy,

but did you also know he's got telekinesis vision? Mind control? Just basic mind control. Yeah, sweet. Awesome. This isn't a superpower brain surgery he can do it or he's had it well i mean knowing that makes uh superman grounded

yeah that's yeah yeah yeah to do with his um heat vision oh so he can do brain surgery which is why that lady breaks her hand slapping if you don't know this and listeners strap in because one i'm disappointed you don't know this because and listeners, strap in, because one, I'm disappointed you don't know this, because it's the best Superman arc. And it's also kind of like the sister Superman arc to this podcast. It comes up so often. It's the official Superman arc. It's the official Superman. Yeah, everyone's like, oh, all-star Superman.

That's great. He flies into the sun. That's sick. You could not be more correct. Red sun. That's good, because Superman goes back. Lex Luthor goes forward in time, and maybe he's like- Superman's son or some shit? Grandfather, maybe, or something like that. No, no, no's good, because Superman goes back Lex Luthor goes forward in time, and maybe he's Superman's son or some shit?

Grandfather, maybe, or something like that. No, no, no, no, no. Superman grounded, where he comes back from the 100 hour, or 100 day, or 100 year, 100 minute, I think, Krypton War, comes back to Earth, and then everyone's like, Superman's back, and a lady storms up to him, and she slaps him and

breaks her hand on his face, and he's like, what's wrong? And she's like, my husband her hand on his face and he's like what's wrong and she's like my husband had a brain tumor and he's dead now you could have fixed it and at this point you're like wow that's dumb but instead Superman's like whoa

I've forgotten about the little people so then he Forrest Gump's it he walks from one side of America to the other that's one of the few comics guaranteed to be inspired by Forrest Gump's it he walks from one side of America to the other that's one of the few comics guaranteed to be inspired by Forrest Gump the comic writer was watching Forrest Gump and he was like this could be a Superman comic

and at first he's just stopping to help out little things getting back to his humanity roots and at first it's like saving a kid from an abusive family and you're like that's nice and then immediately he visits aliens that are pretending to be guys. It's awesome. So next power?

Yeah. Okay, so one of Superman's failings is that he can't be in two places at once. So what do you think maybe the solution with that would be? Well, I remember as a child. Superman Red and Superman Blue. Yeah, copying himself. That's right. Apparently that was after in the TV series, The Adventure of Superman,

he just could duplicate himself. And then, yes, Superman Blue, Superman Red. And also in the Superboy comics, where he's like a young kid in Krypton, doesn't he have a bunch of robots that are him? Well, there is Cyborg Superman. No, no, these are just like decoy robot Supermans that he just has.

And then when he dies, there's the four Supermen that take his place. And one of them is also him. Yeah. Which one's he? No. No, I don't think any of them are him. You got Superboy, Cyborg.

The Eradicator, which is also another robot. Yeah, and then Steel. Steel, that's right. Forgeman. Isn't one of them called Man of Tomorrow? I don't know, dude. Maybe it's the boy of tomorrow? Maybe.

Yeah, because that's Superboy. Yeah. Oh, no, there's the Eradicator who becomes, everyone's like, oh, he's from the future or something, because he's like, I am Superman! And he's clearly a robot and he's shooting. Superman gets fucked up in the future. He becomes a fucked up robot, I think.

And he's shooting stuff out of, he's got like giant sunglasses, like a big, like a giant, almost like 80s visor. Yeah. And he's like shooting stuff, like beams out of his hand. That is awesome. Yes, it is me, the Superman you love. Watching that, and I'm like, hey guys, Superman's back.

Yeah, and everyone's like, maybe that was Superman. And then like Cyborg, and like, I guess that's Superman too. Yeah. And then Superboy's like, no, I'm Superman. Everyone's like, I guess he was a young boy now. And then there's like Steel comes in, he's like, he's got a hammer. Yeah. And then Superboy's like, no, I'm Superman. Everyone's like, I guess he was a young boy now. And then there's like steel comes in. He's like, a guy's got a hammer. Yeah.

And he's like a full on, he's encased in like steel. Yeah, he's just like a guy in a suit of armor. And everyone's like, I guess, was Superman a black man in a hot wheel? In a suit of armor? I never, he was always so far away, I couldn't tell. I guess, I guess that must also be him. Did Superman have a hammer or whatever? I think so.

Another power that he has is a kinetic energy punch. Okay. Yeah. Does that look like a good big punch? Superman's got too many powers, guys. I don't know what the difference of a kinetic punch and a regular punch is. Maybe it's like the power know, like when you... the power where if somebody punches you,

you get a lot of kinetic energy and you can kind of direct it back. So it has explosive punches. Is that a different power? No, I guess it was kinetic. Okay, those are

the kinetic punches. Okay, fabulous. Super smell? Powerful olfactory capability. Ah, yes. This is the one that he can... Yes, he can shoot

mini-Supermen. Yes! Okay, fabulous power. So he can have mini-versmen. Yes! Okay, fabulous power. So he can have mini-versions of himself that can fly, have super strength, and all these other powers. Can you do like a cat in the hat comes back situation? Can you do fractal

Superman? Yeah! Big time. You can get the smallest you've ever fucking been. Microscopic Superman. Super ventriloquism. Uh-huh. There you go. And last but not least, fucking bean. Microscopic Superman. Super ventriloquism. You called that one. Last but not least, super flare. I'm assuming

it's a flare, Jackson. Don't ask stupid questions. Just quickly while we're on how stupid comic books are before we move on to the actual question. So the death of Superman trade paperback collects three big issues. The first one, Superman. So the death of Superman, trade paperback, collects three big issues. The first one, Superman dies at the end of.

The second one, everyone's mourning. And then the third one, people, that's when the new Superman pop up. Sure. Before Superman's originally resurrected. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the second one, do you know what happens at the end of it? No.

So everyone's like, wow, it's sad, Superman's dead. Then Jonathan Kent has a heart attack. That's such a funny way to end. We should kill Park Kent. Does Park Kent die in, is this how he canonically dies in this version of the DC universe? Or is it just like a mini heart attack

he comes back from? Or does Superman come back where he's a black suit and a mullet and he's like, oh. What are you saying about my dad? So the death of Superman is divided into three story arcs. Doomsday, Funeral for a Friend,

and Reign of the Superman. First arc, whatever, blah, blah, blah. Second arc depicts Superman's fellow superheroes and the rest of the DC universe mourning his death, ending with his adoptive father, Jonathan Kent, having a heart attack. And there's just no mention of Jonathan Kent.

Rest in peace, Johnny boy.'s sad my superman son's dead okay obviously first thing i'm gonna do with superman's powers is the brain surgery one i can figure that out right yeah i got it right now this second i guess in the middle of a recording yeah i would get up and go see if i could go to a hospital, get a job doing brain surgery with my laser vision. Yeah. Sorry. Please, no. Jonathan dies, meets Clark in the afterlife,

and encourages him to return to life with him. And then they both come back. So that's one of the reasons Superman comes back from the dead. I guess that means in Man of Steel and BVS, all of those dream sequences where Superman did see his dad in the afterlife were comics accurate. Anyway, I've put my phone away now because all that information is not

relevant. Yeah, so I guess to keep things simple, because I guess Superman just has all the powers. I'll forget the brain surgery. Well, I guess you kind of have that because you have x-ray vision and heat vision. So you find out you are Superman, and then the first thing you want to try is brain surgery.

So you're going to walk to a hospital. You can fly, cunt. Yeah, I'll fly. Dusha said I walked. No, no, no. You said you'd walk. You said the first thing you're going to try is brain surgery. Well, I've got to walk out the studio.

I can't fly through. I guess I could. I mean, I would. I'm not ahead of the fan or whatever I can't fly through. I guess I could. I mean, I would. I might hit the fan or whatever. I go. Fine. I fly. First thing I do, I hover up.

I hover through the door. I phase through the door. I don't need to open it. Yeah, I guess. I say, doors are not for me anymore, boys. I'm above doors. Are you going to be one of those fucking superheroes that immediately loses touch with humanity so therefore never walks?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're just like floating around? I would float around but look like I was sitting. Wait, do you mean cross-legged or just like kind of like... With your legs raised up. It's kind of like you're sitting on a chair. Like a lowercase h shape. Yeah, it would look like I was miming sitting on a chair.

That's obvious. lowercase h shape yeah it would look like i was miming sitting on a chair that's all just that seems like more effort than just loosely letting your body dangle i like the idea of loosely like loose letting your body dangle but like including giving up on like your spine and your shoulders and your neck Like a corpse Yeah yeah yeah Could I lie down? Is that guy dead But flying? I'm resting I'm lounging Idiot I like to think

Yeah I'd hit a point Where it's like I'm underwater And I can't tell What's up and down anymore So I'm just kind of Flopping around as I go It kind of happens

A bit in Akira Towards the end When I don't know why I'm stretching so Much to remember the names Because I knew that Neither of you would care, but you got it in one, Joel Zammett.

Tetsuo, yeah, when his powers get all fucked up and he starts sort of flying, he's sort of tumbling, and I think that's how it would be, yeah. I might do stuff like pretend I'm walking on the roof or whatever. Hey, guys, this is like I'm walking on the roof, and you're like, we can both fly too, Jackson. Who cares? Punch you directly in the nuts.

Well, I don't even care because my nuts are nuts of steel now. I have nuts of steel. I got nuts of steel. You could drive a train into my balls, dude, and I'd be fine. Punch myself in the nuts? Yeah, I guess. Feels fine, dude. You could tie a rope around my balls and then tie it to a 747 Boeing.

I'd be fine. And then I'd probably fly the plane away. And then I probably fly the plane away, to be honest. The plane like goes, it goes torn, and then just like slams into the ground. You two are watching me, you're like, weren't you gonna do brain surgery? Just see the plane, bam! It's like snapping into the ground. Fireball! My nuts feel fine.

Hey, if your nuts are that invulnerable, does that mean that you can never cum again? No, I just cum with the force of Superman. How are you going to make yourself cum? Well, I'm strong enough to jerk me off. I guess punching yourself in the nuts.

You don't cum by punching yourself in the nuts. Yeah, but I would say the jerking off, and I don't think this is a brave statement, a hand job or jerking off or sex or a blow job or anything dick related, getting punched in the nuts is easily the most sensitive and horrible, most intense sensation. So if you're not feeling that. So if you're not feeling that.

So how am I? Alternatively, you are feeling it and I punch you in the nuts and it hurts. Oh, it didn't hurt but it kind of tickled. So are we making

the claim that Superman has never had an orgasm? No, you're making that claim because you reckon he can body being punched in the nuts. So you don't think

Superman can body being punched in the nuts? No, but he can. He could body getting punched in the nuts. Not by another super. If Zod punches him in the nuts,

he feels it. Yeah, okay, fair enough. Okay. I was like, does he got to get like. Yeah. Not by another super. If Zod punches him in the nuts, he feels it. Yeah, okay, fair enough. Okay. I was like, does he got to get like a jackhammer into his fucking nuts to be like, this is getting me up. This is how I come. I don't think that is Superman. Superman, I think that's actually factually incorrect.

Well, I know you're an alien, but you grew up a regular human life. Yeah, but the- Is this what you were taught in Kansas' fucking sex ed? Punch yourself in the nuts. Does Superman have a regular dick and nuts? Yeah. Might as well.

We do. Yeah, we do. That's what I mean. We didn't get our powers like Superman. ours came from a meteor. But he has a kid with Lois. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's got to have something that's going on. In BVS, we've had this discussion many times, but in BVS. Yeah, but it's relevant again, so we're talking about it.

His dad, Rusty, is like, I'm going to do that thing that we have been doing for years. Oh, yeah, that's right. And I'm going to cum in a pussy. The inventor of the cum in a pussy. Yeah. Not the inventor, the person who rediscovered it. So they've been not cumming in pussies for a long, long time. Oh, yes.

My goodness, yes. Forgot how to do it. Kind of like the appendix, how it started off rather big, and now it's kind of becoming a bit more... That's true. Superman would have an atrophied little dick. Yeah. At least most of the...

Well, no, because he's the first in the bloodline to be using his dick. His dad would have a shriveled little tiny dick. And the mom's womb and that wouldn't be great. Yeah. So Superman probably has a tiny little shriveled dick, but we don't. That's true. We've got powerful members. 11 inches on average in the podcast.

Like a Greek statue, but like a Greek statue, but accurate. Big. Not what they did. Unlike a Greek. Mine a little but like a Greek statue, but accurate. Big. Yeah, not what they did. Unlike a Greek statue. Unlike a Greek statue. Okay, mine a little bit like a Greek statue. Tiny dicks. Tiny dicks.

All three of the plumbing boys. Huge nuts. Oh, yes. Huge and vulnerable nuts. Tied to a plane. Very sensitive. Yeah. Well, yeah, so surgery.

I go do surgery at a hospital. So you fly out of the studio. I fly out of the studio. I go do surgery at a hospital. So you fly out of the studio. I fly out of the studio. I go straight up. Straight up. All right. Through the ceiling. That's annoying.

To a hospital. It's all right. You can fix it in a heartbeat. You're Superman. Yeah, I still have the skills of me. I can't patch up a ceiling. I guess I can. Yeah.

Just heat vision it shut. Set the studio on fire I guess I could patch that up I could fly up there And just patch it up with a plaster thing Heat breath Not heat breath Cold breath

Stop setting the studio on fire No heat vision You want me fucking it up Heat vision but like a low heat It would dry quicker Oh yeah that's true A simmer A simmer

You could simmer it Yeah Or I could just You know Hey You're a plasterer Oh yeah Yeah

Fix my ceiling And I won't punch you In the nuts Okay Because this is actually Something I wanted to discuss Yeah So a big cornerstone

Of the Superman character Is that If you have You have these powers You have a responsibility Oh no to protect humanity none of us right like i don't care the first thing i'm gonna do is to fix a lot of my problems that i have like for example i don't know if any of my problems are fixable by being

superman oh i got too much work to do yeah still same shit different. What are your powers now? My house is currently still leaking from a building issue that we're slowly trying to get it fixed. Okay. And it's just taking a long time. I could kill my landlord, I guess. You could. I could just heat vision the problem or x-ray where it is. Yeah, that's true.

And then finally fix it where that problem is. That'd be nice. How does just with surgery? Use. So I go in there, they then like finally fix it where that problem is. That'd be nice. How does, just with surgery, so I go in there, they get the body lying in the table or whatever. I x-ray vision the brain to see where the tumor is. Then just laser vision? Yes. How does that not kill the guy?

Because you've got control over your laser vision. What do you mean? Well, how does it not hit his skull? Because you're a superman. You are doing it. But how do you do a finite amount of laser? If it's out, it's out. What's your... What do you mean

finite amount of laser? Do I fire the laser? Yeah. Is it a heat thing? Yeah, it's controlled. Describe the guy's head. What the fuck? It's a head.

Okay. He's got brown hair. But it's being shaved because you're about to cut into his skull. Do I cut into his skull? Yes. Use the laser vision. So I laser vision his flesh off? No, you...

The plan would be... Yeah. You know how, like, in your silly little movies, if someone's breaking into a bank or something, they'll cut a hole in the glass? Okay, so I do a circle on his head. Imagine you do that, yes. You expose the brain, you've used x-ray vision,

and you can, with precise accuracy... Oh. Uh-oh. Okay, so I read a little bit more about his... Brain surgery? Brain surgery. Yeah. So it involves a villain called Manchester Black.

So Manchester Black uses his telekinetic powers to pinch blood vessels in Superman's brain in order to give him a stroke. Comics rock! But Superman got his revenge because the Man of Steel uses his heat vision to burn the portion of Manchester Black's brain that gave him his abilities, leaving him powerless. Okay, so instead of this laser vision idea, which I'm concerned about, I don't trust myself, I'm just going to make this guy's brain really hard. Okay, so it's heat vision focused through his retina like an invisible scalpel giving someone an instant lobotomy. What Superman is this? This seems...

You watch as I am taken away by the police. How'd the surgery go? I lobotomized the guy. How are the cops taking him? I'm just letting them. I feel bad about lobotomizing that guy. I didn't mean to lobotomize that sick man. Well, I guess you could go through the retina.

I should be put to jail, yeah. I mean, so I guess you are going through the retina. Yeah. Which I guess is a hole. Yeah. I might go through my retina or his. His? What do you mean?

Do you know what a retina is? Yeah, well, I wasn't sure if I was... Well, you're... Wait, no, it's heat breath, isn't it? No. No. So then it is coming out my retina. It you're... Wait, no, it's heat breath, isn't it? No. No. So then it is coming out of my retina. It's coming out of your eyes, and it's like laser focused.

And into his eyes. Into his eyes. And I guess because using your x-ray vision to kind of move the person that has the tumor somewhere, and you would be having to angle it a certain way. It seems complicated. Yeah, I do not trust myself. This is why I've accidentally lobotomized the guy. Why I'm going to jail.

But they can't kill me, so. You know what would be easy to do? Is just shoot a little mini you. I make a little mini me in my hand. That little mini me makes another little mini me, another little mini me, till we get small enough to go in his brain. Then we just beat the shit out of the tumor.

He flies it out to me. And I dunk it somewhere. The Superman that gives Manchester Black a lobotomy is from the 2000s. Because Manchester Black isn't invented until March 2001. Superman, he's going through his edgy 2000s phase.

Fair enough. He was late. Yeah. Well, maybe a good way, okay, what about if we look at it like this? Let's go power by power and figure out what we'd do with it. All right. Like flight. What are we doing with it? Well, here's, I reckon, I fly up.

Let's just go up as high as I can go. Into space? Is it flying without the, say, invulnerabilities? No, no, you've got all the bits. We're just like looking at them bit by bit, you know? Yeah. So Dusha goes to space. Fabulous.

Yeah, actually, like, yeah, why not? Go to space. Go to the sun. Go to yeah why not go to space go to the sun go to the moon go to Mars I think you get bored and I know this is probably sacrilege to Dusha but I think you get bored

of space pretty quickly yeah yeah but like there's a lot up there you do so many things because you land on Jupiter and be like the fuck is this yeah

grab a bit of whatever bring it back what are you doing on Jupiter I don't know it's a gas giant you're in gas yeah okay let's go to the moon because there's something to do there What are you doing on Jupiter? It's a gas giant. You're in gas. Okay, let's go to the moon because there's something to do there. What are you doing on the moon? Just vibing it out.

I'm just exploring. And then I come back. Punching the moon a bit, see if I can find that water. I can move the moon if I want. You shouldn't. I shouldn't. Can I drill into the moon? Yeah, you probably shouldn't, but you can. Why not? The moon's fragile.

What do you mean? Seems dangerous. This is why we're not nuking the moon. I'm just punching a hole to go down and see if there's water or whatever. Okay. Maybe I'll do that on Mars. Get water on Mars or whatever. Yeah, maybe there's life on Mars.

Is that a thing or is that a Doctor Who episode? Maybe both. There's frozen water on the poles of Mars. Yeah, I'll do that. Go laser heat vision the water on Mars, see Mars. Yeah, do that. Go laser heat vision the water on Mars, see what happens. It evaporates and then there's no water on Mars anymore.

You fly back, sorry. What? Who are you? Check Mars. Could I... Well, yeah, I guess I could be like, hey, do we want to do something with... What do you need on Mars? Yeah, that's true, actually. You could help NASA quite a bit. Yeah.

Go there, look around, see if you can find anything sick, bring them back rocks. Kill any Martians or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are there... John, is that you? Here's an important question. Are we in the DC universe? No.

Okay, I'm going to go to Mars and fight the Martians. NASA being like, what? You fly there, destroy the Mars rover. Bring it back and drop it in front of God. God, I've killed your Martian God.

Turns out they were robot markets. Oh, God damn it. What? It was so expensive. Oh, I guess you... Oh, this house. That's all right. I'll send it back.

No, you wrecked it. It's gone. Throw it up. Throw it up? Yeah, it could be. All right. Well, yeah. Yeah, just, yeah.

We shouldn't try to help humanity. It's bad for us. Take some stuff to Mars. What are you taking to Mars? What do they want? I don't know. What does Mars need? I think they don't want to take anything.

I think they want you to look around. NASA. Think of me as a Ute, if you want. Yeah. Okay. I can take things to Mars, take things to the moon. So if we need to do some stuff, I can just do that. You can probably help build a Mars base, maybe.

Yeah, build a Mars base. Build a farm. Yeah, okay. Moon base, Mars base. Yeah. Help out humanity. Moon base? Mars base? Yeah. Help our humanity? Pluto base? I wonder if we're capable with all of our powers of causing Mars to get an atmosphere

that means that oxygen is breathable. How you doing it? Talking to Earth. Well, you need to nuke the shit out of Mars. Nuke the shit out of it? Yeah. Because you need to... I forget the specifics of it.

I also forget the specifics. This is why we're NASA boy. It involves nuclear weapons. Yeah. Give us some nukes. We'll fly the specifics. This is why we're NASA boy. It involves nuclear weapons. Give us some nukes. We'll fly up to Mars. Yeah, we can carry a nuke. Yeah, exactly. That's what I mean.

Give me a big sack. Do you think that it will- The idea of a nuke going wrong when you go to space is scary, so I can understand why they haven't done it yet. I also love the idea of you- I'll carry the nukes. It's getting hot in the atmosphere. I'll just breathe on it.

As you exit. Oh, okay. Well, the nuclear fallout from that will hit us. You flying back down. They're like, please don't come. You are so irradiated. Can I still go? I'll have a bath.

No, just go. A bath. Where's the closest? Ah, the local water supply. It's farther than that. I'll take a bath here. Yeah, it's dangerous to help humanity. Well, that, the local water supply. It's farther than that. I'll take a bath here. Yeah, it's dangerous to help humanity. Well, that's the thing. We're going to help humanity

with my own dumb brain. But if I'm like one of them smart people, and I'm like, well, what do you need? What if we went down then instead of going up? Okay. See what's going on in the core of the earth. Go look at that trench and be like, where's Atlanta? Oh, the Mariana trench? Sure. Yeah! Okay. Is Superman sitting in the dark? Go and look at that trench Be like where's Atlanta Oh the Mariana Trench Sure Yeah

Okay Is Superman sitting in the dark Can Superman breathe underwater Surely he can breathe in space Yeah Space is just underwater But Oh no no no no

The Mariana Trench would probably kill Superman Why Cause no sunlight Oh shit Oh that's true That's bad Oh yeah You go down there

The sunlight stops And then you're crushed by the intense breath. You just pull out a fucking flat Superman. Oh, shit. Okay. Okay, okay, okay. We'll just cross off looking for Atlanta. Yeah, don't worry about it. It's not happening.

Not for us. So any way to get more sun down in the trench? I mean, Superman. You could bring one of those lamps for, like, if you've got seasonal depression. Yeah, I reckon that'll work underwater. The Superman can fly in space. Yeah. And that's often far away from said sun.

Yeah, but you're in more exposed sunlight. If it's a UV rays or whatever, they do not reach the depth of the Mariana Trench. Well, I guess, like, Superman it happens in All-Star Superman. He gets extra charged up by being too close to the sun. Okay, fly into the sun, then down into the Mariana Trench. Well, just fly up near the sun, not too close, because that overloads

his cells and he dies. One of you flies into the sun, one of you flies into the trench, gone. What was I playing? I don't know. Whatever it was, it wasn't good. I see what you mean. Go up there, get charged down into the trench. Yeah, okay. Look for fish and stuff.

There's cool fish that look cool underwater, but then they're gooey or whatever, so when you get them above that, they get all fucked up. Yeah, like a blobfish. I'll be like, yeah, but this is cool shit. I've seen it.

What does it look like? Can you draw it? I'm not much of an artist. Here's the things I found. Blobfish, looks sick, couldn't find Atlanta. There was boats. Yeah, there's boats there. Oh, ghosted on the Titanic.

Ghosted on the Titanic. Oh my god. Oh, my God. James Cameron was there. Push him for a bit there. Why are you lying? Just making up stuff. Go to the actual city of Atlanta. Yeah, yeah, that's good.

That's good. See what's happening in Atlanta. Be like, oh, I was here the whole time. Found it, guys. Did you guys know I was here? Yeah. That's the mythical city. I just don't imagine we're telling NASA this.

We don't really care about underwater. Why did we go there then? We don't know, actually. Isn't the problem of deep space exploration, it's that we need to clear Earth's gravitational pool, as also all the atmosphere and stuff like that. So if we

ended up having a station somewhere that we could then keep launching, that'd be easier. But the problem is getting all that bullshit up there. Give me your girders or whatever you need and I'll help push that up there and clear up all the junk around Earth.

That's good. Hurl it into deep space. I mean, we could recycle it. Or bring it back down to Earth. Well, we put it up there for a reason. We don't want it. No, we didn't. No, get rid of it. I'm with Jackson here.

If we wanted it, we wouldn't have launched it into space. Go find Laika. Go find Laika. Oh, wait, no, Laika crashed back onto Earth. What happened to Super Joel? He's gone to find Laika, and I didn't have the heart to tell him Laika died on re Earth. What happened to Super Joel? He's gone to find Laika, and I didn't have the heart to tell him Laika died on re-entry. Yeah.

You come back, I don't know where she is. I couldn't find her. Keep looking. Laika died before re-entry. Yeah, well, yeah, it's sad. I found all these dead chimps, though. No, Ham came back. Ham came back.

I'm coming for you, Ham. I didn't have the heart to tell him Ham died like 20 years ago in captivity. Yeah, had a lot of good children of Ham. Yeah, the children of Ham. There's a lot of good Ham kids out there. Yeah, I guess clean up that so I could get all those junk that's around Earth. Would you name yourself anything? Nah.

You'd just be Joel? Joel and Joel? It seems weird naming myself. like a superhero name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It feels like a lot of them need to be by the press. Yeah, that's true. Hopefully the press is nice. We'd get called Space Joel or something. Space Joel and nobody's quite, because you get the same name,

nobody's quite clear how many of them there are. No, Space Joel. You also, is it a Joel thing? Yeah. Jackson has one as well. Don't tell them I got powers. What are you using yours for? It's quite clear how many of them there are. Space J- Is it a J- A J- J- J- J- J- J- J- J- J- J- J- J- J- J- J- J- J- J-

J- J- J- J- J- J- J- J-

J- J- J- J- J- J- J- J-

J- J- J- J- J- J- J- J-

J- J- J- J- J- J- J- J-

J- J- J- J- J- J- J- J-

J- J- J- J- J- J- J- J-

J- J- J- J- J- J- J- J-

J- J- J- J- J- J- J- J-

J- J- J- J- J- J- J- J-

J- J- J- J- J- J- J- J-

J- J- J- J- J- J- J- Maybe turn it up or something? Let's try a badding I guess it's a personal thing The power of flight makes travel very easy Yeah, that's true So I can, you know, go visit Go on a holiday So if I was to say, like, you know, pick up a good friend or my wife And be like, hey, we're going to Hawaii What would happen to her?

Nothing good I don't know Well, okay, what speed are you flying? I don't know. Well, okay. What speed are you flying? I don't know. Because in the movies and stuff, they don't really usually linger on it. But usually if Superman's holding someone and flying, he's flying them back down because they caught them or something. Or he's taking them somewhere, but he's flying at not his regular pace. If you got your wife in a kind of flight suit that protected her eyes and stuff, maybe.

Or is this one of the not-quite-Superman Supermans? Like, oh, it's Ultimate Man or whatever, but it's the ability to extend the force field around that person. It wouldn't shock me if Superman had that power, because he has every power. It also says here he's in charge of Wayne Manor. I think he's got that power. I think there might be like an ultimate man or like the Plutonian or whatever. I think you could probably fly your wife to Hawaii, but you couldn't super speed your

wife to Hawaii. Yeah. I feel like I'd use super speed way more than flight. How would you? Well, yeah, that's fair. You were so ready to be angry. No, no, no. I was just kidding.

No, no, no. You interrupted a different thought So I guess I am angry How would you take Joel Zammett's wife to Hawaii Without using super speed I'd be so scared You get like an adult sized baby romper

That you put her in And she's gotta have goggles on So that she doesn't get stuff in her eye What about if we got onto a boat? Yeah. Like, and it was like a good boat. Yeah. So we steal a yacht.

Yeah. Okay, nice, nice, nice. You put her in the cabin. Put her in the cabin. And then you push the boat. Or blow into the sail. Well, it depends how fast you're going. Or steal a plane.

Okay. Put people in said plane that I want to come to me to Hawaii. Yeah. And I pick up plane and I keep flying. And we go to Hawaii. You fly it holding it kind of like a pizza. But that'd probably be fine. You just can't go too fast.

Or was this that problem we've also had after granting ourselves the power of flight or becoming said plane? I think it was a Kirby episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Become said plane. I don't know where Hawaii is. Your wife's at the window mouthing, where are we? And you're just looking around at an ocean. We're nearly there, I think.

Pulling up your phone, looking at maps. No reception. Come on! I'm just going to drop us down here in the sea really quickly to get my bearings yeah put someone down quickly fly up to be like okay where are we where are we above the clouds you get no idea yeah okay i was gonna like because if i could fly extra high yeah then doesn't it make it the flight quicker so you think you want to go what no no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. Like a plane.

Earth is not smaller if you go up higher. No, but I see what you mean. There's less resistance. The idea you go up into space, though. And then you come back down. Yeah, and it's got to do with the Earth's rotation. Yeah, it is quicker. Yeah, but I don't think it'd be good with a plane. I don't think it'd be good for other people.

Also, re-entry and stuff like that. Yeah, I'd be fine. That would be okay. Yeah. The plane will not survive. This holiday for 25 becomes a holiday for one. Yeah. Yeah.

Maybe I could just, like, move the Earth so I was always on Hawaii. Babe, hold still. Whoa! So I think it'd be nice to, like, you know grab my cats and show them places they wouldn't necessarily see. Up. Up. That's good. The state of Hawaii.

Yeah. Take them to London. Outside. Then again, I'm like, well, for them, they're inside cats. So seeing something that they haven't seen before would be like, say, the milk bar down the road. Take them to the shops. But I can do that now. I don't have to take my cats to Italy.

No, you don't have to take your cats to Italy. Italy for cats is basically just like putting them in the next door neighbor's house and being like, look, new house. It's rolling out a new carpet. Oh, shit! A new thing. I think like, oh, shit. Oh, yeah. A new thing. I think the thing is you can never really,

unless somebody has your Superman powers, they can't share the experience. Yeah. So I think I will go full Dr. Manhattan, completely removed from humanity. That was, I guess, fly.

I'll go to Mars and just sit. But like Joel Zammett's style where you're not actually sitting on anything, just floating. Just flopping down. Yeah, okay. Your speech should be like fuck humans they're boring

so I think I'd go more yeah help I guess this like exploration of space yeah you could probably do a lot in terms of

fixing some of like the bigger problems like any sort of like global warming climate change that kind of stuff how are you fixing climate change

well I guess like I was like well yeah great question actually yeah how are you fixing climate change? Well, I guess, I was like, well. Yeah, great question, actually. Yeah, how are you going to fix it, Simon? Talk us through your three-step plan to fix climate change as Superman. Step one, let's go. Once again, you're talking to other people to be like, what is the best solution?

Because now I, Superman, or Space Joel, can do some things that regular people can't do. So what are some solutions? And so there's one harebrained theory where it was like you kind of like make the world darker for a bit. Oh, okay. Like we noticed that after say a volcano explosion, there is a bit of cooling that happens. Yeah, yeah. Because like there's ash in the air actually blocks it out.

So like there is a hypothesis that it's like, well, if we pumped a bunch of shit into the atmosphere, like the stratosphere or whatever, that, in theory, could lower the temperature. But this is the plot, or at least a plot point, of Highlander 2, where we've shot off the sun, which is also a plot in The Matrix.

Oh! Okay. But then again, as Superman, you could fix that problem No I mean As Superman You just become An eco-terrorist That's easy

But yeah Or Blow up Shell Yeah You become an eco-terrorist And yeah You blow up Shell Could you move Earth

And the sun Just a little bit Further away BP is gone Plant some more trees Yeah that's nice So many more trees Or

Again if it's an energy thing Go up into the Near the ozone layer And just start huffing in all the gases. Oh, yes. Breathe in all the pollution. You're smoking the planet. That's no good. You come down green at the gills. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pretty good. Well, you just, yeah. Yeah, can you fix global warming by breathing in all the chemicals, flying up a bit and letting them out into actual space? One big exhale toward the sun. You could do... I don't think anyone knows. I think the scientists have not confirmed whether or not you smoked.

Could you fix global warming? Trash? Could you say, for example, pick up a lot of trash? Could go to Garbage Island. Pick up Garbage Island, throw it into the sun. Take it to the sun, Take it to the sun, empty it into the sun, then fly back, put the island back. Wait, no, because Ireland's just

garbage, yeah. You could take Garbage Island and go to countries that have bad eco-like laws or whatever and be like, fix it up or I'll drop the Garbage Island on you. Or fix it up or I will shoot every last one of you with my laser vision. Yeah! Like, you could become a benevolent dictator of Earth.

Absolutely. I think that would happen even, this is a bold claim, but even if you, if someone just becomes Superman, and they do nothing. We're bowing down before this person. Yeah, like, immediately they, everyone's like, well, whatever they want, they're going to get. What if I just killed every world leader?

Every single one. Yeah. I gather them all in one place, and I put them in a metal sphere, and I throw it like a basketball into deep space. Like a baseball. Whoa! What are you going to do? Then I'm like, figure it out, countries.

See what you do next. Well, the problem is you've then created a lot of vacuums. I would say that also there's a big problem where you've just made vice whatever the leader. The new president. Which they're trained for. So you have to do the same thing again about a week later. And then again the same again. Depends what you want.

Yeah. I don't know what my goal was here. Just trying to fix the world's problems, which I've put down to whoever's in charge. Well, yeah. I guess you would go to places like rainforests, that kind of stuff, and you'd make sure that no logging was happening. Kill all poachers. Kill all poachers.

You could do. I mean, you could kill whoever you wanted, really. I feel you could just do the threat of killing. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Well, I mean, the poachers already have the threat of killing. Well, no. Superman does good.

Jackson does threats. You could be like, you know, yes, as a poacher, I could get shot or mauled or whatever by people and all the things I'm poaching. But they need to find me and I'm a sneaky boy. Whereas like, I'm Superman. I can see you. Don't do it or I will snap your neck. If you keep poaching and then if they do do it, then I killed.

Yeah. Okay. Fair enough. Fair then I kill them. Yeah, okay. Fair enough, fair enough, fair enough. So again, you could become a benevolent dictator. Yeah, it's really easy to use the Superman powers to change the world for good through bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Hard to do it through good. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, hard to do what Superman does and become a symbol of all that is right and true. I'll become a symbol of anarchy. Yeah, not anarchy. I guess it's like peace through war. I'll become a symbol for Coca-Cola. Hey, Coca-Cola, give me a sponsorship. I have superpowers. I'll become Coke, man.

And if you don't give them to me, I will. I'll force a sponsorship. I'll kill you, Coke CEO, unless you sponsor me. I'm going to pick a building up and I'm going to put it into space. Okay, you can be Coke Man. That's great. What do I owe you?

That's not our sponsorship. We owe you. What? That rules. All three of us leave this studio and then we come back and I'm just here Coke themed now. Excuse me, Super Jackson, we saw you. Super Coke. Sorry, Super Coke, we saw you drinking a Pepsi and I know this.

That's a breach of your contract. It's all the same drink, dude. No, but that's a breach of a contract. Well, then give me a freaking lifetime supply of Coke. We have. And I'll always, whoa. But there's pictures of you drinking Pepsi. Yeah, well, I like a range of soft drinks.

Yeah, but you can't. You're not allowed to do that anymore. You can't do that, Super Coke. Well, I'm going to continue to, I think. I don't actually think you have the power to stop me. But if you do that, I think we need to stop you. We'll sever the sponsorship. Well, I'll see you in court.

That's the worst place to meet them because they'll win. So you're just going to see us in court, that's it? Yeah, for now. Oh, that's good. Wait, what? For now? What did you just say, for now? No, I was blown off.

Drinking a Pepsi. Drinking a Fanta. Fanta's fine. That's Coke. was flown off. Drinking a Pepsi. Drinking a Fanta. Fanta's fine. That's Coke. Oh, no. Drinking a milk. Does this breach the contract? No, it's not a competitor.

You don't understand this law at all. Then I take me to court and I threaten the judge unless he lets me win. What about the judge? Threaten everyone. That was so fun. You guilty. Unless he lets me win. What about the... Everyone! Yeah, but then we still find you guilty. Yeah, but good luck putting me in jail. This is an injailable offence. It'll be a fine and a breach of contract.

This is less of a judicial thing. It's more of a civil... I'll kill you all! Put me in jail! Good luck! They're also threatening to judge. Threatening to kill a judge is a pretty big crime. How are they putting you in jail?

I'd like to see him dry. It's just the fucking electric chair thing again, where I'm just sitting there getting zapped like, whatever. It's very easy to become a benevolent dictator. Yeah, absolutely. Well, I'm not even that. I don't know what I am. Annoying.

Just a menace. Yeah. Because you can't be killed. even that. I don't know what I am. Annoying. Just a menace. Yeah. Because you can't be killed. Yeah. You just can't be killed. No one can kill you. Unless Doomsday comes. Unless Doomsday comes.

That's true. But we are on regular Earth. Doomsday ain't coming, baby. Doomsday hasn't been here yet. If the three of us get Superman powers, ultimately the biggest threat to us is each other. We kind of put each other in check. It just becomes chronicle. Yeah, that's true.

You can be the one that gets struck by lightning and dies. I can't die. I'm Superman. But I'm of no threat to you. I'm a threat to the Koch Corporation. And Earth, by the sounds of things. We're there. I'm trying to help out NASA. And Earth, by the sounds of things. We're there. I'm trying to help out NASA.

Jackson keeps being in the news. Give me free stuff or I will kill you. Yeah, we're trying to either help out NASA or try to like, what do I do with global climate change? Did he just say he's going to kill all the world leaders? How's it going making Earth good or whatever? Did you just threaten all the world leaders? Yeah, I'm going to throw them into the sun

if they don't. Have you rebranded a Super Coke and if so, why are you drinking a Pepsi Max with lemon? Because it's a new refreshing flavor with zero sugar. Isn't that a breach of contract? That's what they say to me. Yeah, that's what they're telling me.

I'm going to see if I can fly around the earth quick enough to make it reverse. Give me five seconds. I just go really fast. It doesn't work. Oh, never mind. Okay, first off, your breach of your contract with Coke. Look, as your friend,

you shouldn't be doing that. They can't send me to jail for it. I know, but as your friend Like you're sponsored with coke dude Yeah Yeah Why are you Did you want a sponsorship? It seems like the moment

You got a coke sponsorship You didn't want to drink coke anymore Yeah like I understand But like you need money Well coke is not a sometimes drink You know Yeah No I don't need money anymore

Because I could just rob a bank Yeah yeah yeah Have you robbed banks? A couple Just enough to get me by. But what do you need the money for? To buy more Coke or Pepsi. But they give you the money.

Well, they give me Coke. They don't give me Pepsi. Do we need to punch him? What crime have I committed? You just said you committed foul. First off, robbing a bank. Threatening most of, if not all, two banks. All the world leaders.

Oh, no, that is fair enough. And you also tried to reverse time on Earth. Yeah. Didn't work, though. But imagine if it did. What if you crushed Earth accidentally? Oh, yeah, fair enough. I just feel like I've got to stop you.

Well, how are you going to do it? Punch you? Pull you apart? No, just beat the shit out of you. Pull me apart! Oh, my God. Just be better, dude. You know, we can work with humanity. Or do we just want your phone?

Well, what's out there in space for us? That's what we're trying to explore, but you didn't want to come because space is boring or whatever. Yeah, it is. I like it on Earth. I got the Cokes. But you don't like the Cokes. You keep drinking them.

Cokes is a sometimes drink. I do like it sometimes. How often sometimes? Like maybe once a week. Why did you go ask for a sponsorship? It's got a good logo, Coca-Cola. So you just wanted... I imagine I'm in like a Superman Lycra

Coke sort of outfit. So like a Superman Lycra, except he said the S it's a C? Yeah, it's the Coke logo. No, it's just a C. For Coke. I thought it was C for Cock. Cockman over here. Cunt. You Cockman? I don't need to take this

I'm coke man super coke I mean I don't know sounds like you're cock bad to me yeah my friends are rude you're one

no look it's Mr. Cunt yeah well I'll go then I'm gonna stop talking to you and fly back down to earth alright

rob more banks or whatever you're both gonna have to punch you in the face. Yeah. That's fair enough. I guess we police you? Yeah. I think honestly, I know

this is going to sound super lame, but I honestly think getting Superman powers, being good isn't actually that hard because I think that trying to do things to advance the human race or reverse something like global warming would be far more satisfying and far more rewarding than whatever this fucking idiot is doing. Like I robbed a bank because, yeah, that's a five second activity. Yeah.

There's no long term, no long term evil goal, really. Yeah. Because even like being rich and stuff, it's like, yeah, but I could if there was anything I needed to buy, I could just take it. And I could take it at such a speed that people don't even realize I've taken it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Literally, I am ultimate power, and it's really up to me how corrupt I am being.

And right now, it's not very. The thing is, when you become Superman, your wants and needs become pretty small, really. There's not much need anymore in your life. No. Son. Yeah.

The thing is, because, like, I'm a stupid man. Yes. I'm at least smart enough to know that I am not clever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. So the problem now is that I would then go to other people who are, like, you know, who would be like, oh, this is the solution, this is whatever. And the thing is, how tricked am I going to be by a doofus? Yeah, that's true.

Look at all the fuckos who are like, you know this ingenious man? Look, he may sound like a Muppet, but he's so clever, he told me to clean my room and now I hate women. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How radicalized has SuperZam had become? I am stupid But I know I'm like Well like

I want to help out the world Well who would you go to Because like You know say Say five years ago Or maybe even Six years ago Even less actually

Yeah yeah Four years ago even Four years To be like Okay Alright We need to get people to Mars I guess I'll go to Elon

Yeah you might Maybe go to Elon Musk You know Maybe one of the world's dumbest men. Elon Musk is a great person to talk to if you want to die on the way to Mars. He'll get you there. Oh yeah. Yeah, but damn it wouldn't.

That's the thing. I'd go to them. They would use a lot of, I guess, techno babble. And I'd be like, so what do you need me to do? And they'd be like, just go here and set up this building. And the building would not be designed well. And then as you're watching It fell apart, my dude. Was that on me?

Or was that on the design? I just did exactly what you told me to do. Elon Musk on Twitter would be like, yeah, I've been let down by Super Xamarin. He put the Mars base up wrong. How was I to know? Yeah. down by Super Zamed. He put the Mars base up wrong. Motherfucker. How was I to know?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I just, it'd be easy to become someone's unwitting lackey. Yeah.

That's why I think the move is just to look out for number one. Yeah. But you didn't even do that. You didn't even do that, my dude. Well,

the Coke sponsorship fell apart. Fair enough. But then what else did you do that was for your own benefit? Well, I'd like rob a bank, swim in the pool, go to the beach. All three exact same level intensity activities. Yeah.

Just hang out, do whatever I want, unimpeded, live forever. So the main benefit for becoming Superman for you is that you don't have to do anything because time doesn't matter anymore. Well, yeah, That's pretty good. There have become zero consequences in my life. For anything. Zero consequences for you means zero drive to do anything.

Absolutely. Because no one's going to yell at you so you can just read your fucking books about guys' dicks falling off in the snow or whatever. You could help these people who are lost out in the oceans or the wilderness. mean, you could, like, help these people who are lost out in, like, the oceans or the wilderness. Well, maybe I would sometimes if I wanted to. But then again, if you did that.

You'd wreck your own genre of book that you love. Yeah, they wouldn't write books. There wouldn't be survival story books anymore if you're saving it. So you'd be, like, hovering above a guy who's just, like, you know, at sea. Well, I get to see it in real life. Day 68, they're, you know, drinking their own piss, trying to capture a fish, and they're like, please, sir, help me. Like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm like, it's easy. It's probably 68. They're drinking their own piss trying to capture a fish,

and they're like, please help me. No, no, no, no, no. This is TV for me. It's probably better for you if you think I'm a hallucination. I'm just waiting until it gets good, and then I might be safe. I'm not going to let you die, but then I wouldn't do anything. You're going to get close, though. No, but I mean,

you know, sometimes I'll be at home watching TV. Sometimes I'm like, well, maybe I'll go see if I can help people. And then other times I'd like, you know, just kind of like wander around. I think I would just live unimpeded. I'd live deliciously. You'd live deliciously. So you'd become more of

a hedonist? Yeah, sometimes. Sometimes. I'm free to do whatever I want if I've got Superman powers. You're free to do whatever you want. Finally, something that we haven't touched on at all is would we use secret identities or a disguise of some kind?

Probably for the first 60 years. While any of your loved ones are still alive. Those are your connections, your loved ones, and that's how people can kind of, you know. Yeah, 60 years is a good cap because I reckon any. After that. Yeah, whatever.

Any relationships or anything we've built in our life until now. Yeah. 60 years, that pretty much takes care of all of that. Although, like, if you end up having kids or something, then that becomes like a- I would be scared to cum. Yeah, that's fair. Fair enough. Well, presumably I've had a go.

Hancock told me to fear cum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. But I guess, yeah, if you find out you just cum normally, like, whoa. I'd be disappointed if I found out I came regular. If I came regular, but I would have to cum a bunch. Yeah. And I would still be scared

that it's only happening if you jerk yourself off. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, if you wanted a kid, you could just like, you know,

come into something that is like a little bit bulletproof. Yeah. Collect it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Come onto a bulletproof vest. I guess.

Give it to a scientist and be like. I think my go-to for practicing this would be to buy one of those fake arses you love so much. Yeah, I do love them. I love real arses and fake arses. Yeah, see what happens. Yeah, and then fuck that and just see what happens. Just in case masturbation is different for some reason.

And then I would still pull out the first time and second time and third time and fourth time and fifth time just in case. Assuming the first time, say, if you pull out and you still like, if you are shooting like a

shotgun, you would just be piercing the latex ass. Yeah. No, no, no, no. I mean, no, no, no. Sorry, man. Fuck the latex ass

like normal. Yes, you do. Not calm, like calm like normal. And if it's like a shotgun blaster blows apart the latex ass like normal. Yes, you do. Not calm. Like calm like normal. And if it's like a shotgun blast that blows apart the latex ass, I'll be like, okay, so my fears are true. Don't do this to a human being. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But then if everything's still normal with the latex ass, I'd be willing to give it a go with a human, but I would still be scared and I would pull out the first five times just in case. I think I'd fuck mountains. How? I just could. Oh, yeah.

You can do it now, dude. I can't fuck a mountain. Well, I can. I can. That's true, actually. I can't fuck a mountain. Yeah, go in the backyard, dig a little hole.

You can fuck a little hole. I can fuck my tiny dicks. Yeah, yeah. I can fuck the earth right now if I wanted to. You just drill a little hole in the earth and then you gotta dig out a big divot for your fat nuts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you can just go to town. Make love to Mother Earth like a good boy should. But if I'm Superman, all I've got to do is, like, one hand on one side of the cliff face, one hand on the other, and just thrust into it. Make a divot with your own dick. I could fuck the fucking any famous statue.

What's that? Rushmore? Rushmore! I could fuck Rushmore. Fuck famous statue. What's the, what's the- Rushmore? Rushmore! I can fuck Rushmore. Fuck each president's head. Forehead. Just as I went. I guess you could also like finish off Rushmore.

Yeah. Well, yeah. Is Rushmore not finished? Yeah. Yeah. It's not quite done. Those are the sort of coin flip. Do you fuck each president's head or-

No, I think they ran out of funding, I think. Yeah. Because I think he wanted the, uh, Dardis was was like I want to make like a full on like the bodies yeah yeah he wanted to make maybe more heads yeah

everyone was like why are we doing this yeah could also just demolish them yeah that's true that's true wreck every monument I mean like

that's such a classic super villain thing that nobody does anymore so maybe I would do that or like the Leaning Tower of Pisa no I'll steal them all I'll have them somewhere just for me

collect Mount Rushmore Leaning Tower of Pisa Py No, I'll steal them all. I'll have them somewhere just for me. Collect Mount Rushmore, Leaning Tower of Pisa, Pyramids of Giza. I'll take them too. What about, oh, well, as I say, speaking of the pyramids, like, start digging. What do you could help out? Once again, I know this is against everything that you want to do. Every fiber of my body is against this. We could help out some, like, you know, archaeological finds because you have x-ray vision. Yeah, that's true.

You could be like, oh, there's some hidden shit. Yeah, but then I gotta stand there and look around and that hidden shit's just gonna be pots. You know, the amount of time it's gonna take me to find anything interesting I might as well steal a pyramid of geyser. It's fucked up as a man who cares not for museums

talking to a man who clearly cares about museums. Being like, you could help out. Find some history here. Well, maybe sometimes I would. You're very flippant. You're a very flippant guy. Well, I'm going to live forever. Yeah, you'll try out everything.

I'll try out everything. You'll be good for a bit, bad for a bit, gone for a bit. For a hundred years, I'll drop a rock on me and see what it's like to just live crushed under a rock. Then I'll get out and see what's changed. On a long enough timeline. Yeah, I'll drop a rock on me and see what it's like to just live crushed under a rock. Then I'll get out and see what's changed. On a long enough timeline. Yeah, I'll do everything. Right now, we have those human connections. Right now, we have those little bits of things that make us and connect us to humanity.

The idea of you living under a rock for the first 100 years is funny. Because everyone just assumes you died. Yeah, we got Superman powers and I think Jackson just got it. Everyone just assumes you died. Yeah, we got Superman powers and I think Jackson just got crushed. So sad. I'm just under the rock, like I can't wait to come out and see what she's going to be seeing.

I think the first 60 years you'd be more human. Sure. You'd be kind of like, you know, just going to move away from Jackson and direct this all to Dusha. Yeah. For the first 60 years, you know, just going to move away from Jackson and direct this all to Dusha. Yeah. I'm like, for the first 60 years, like, you are, you're still human.

You still kind of have those connections, those kind of stuff like that. Well, I would say 60 is tricky, though, because once you hit, like, say 20 years from now, like, everyone has aged quite substantially and you haven't. Yeah. Then that's when your human side starts. But you're diverting, yeah. Yeah, that's what I mean. So it's kind of like, you know, we're in our 30s or close to my 40s yeah yeah uh it happens yeah sometimes pom and the dest i get old and decrepit sure yeah so yeah so like yeah everyone that is

my age is now like yeah approaching their 60s 70s and then it's kind of like well i'm still a sprightly 36 yeah and like you still care you still love because those connections because you can be hanging out with people you know

for all those times but then it's like yeah although so imagine you're lovingly staring at people that you care about as you do

and then you're like I can see a tumor yeah oh no or I can see the cancer you can fix it. Brain surgery. I'll do the brain surgery.

Yeah, hopefully. Jackson gets out from under the rock. I'm back. I'm going to do brain surgery. Sorry, I lobotomized your uncle. Oh, sorry about that, dude. I'll go back under the rock. I came out too early.

Yeah. Not done. No, but I think that's why the moment it happened to me, I would go to all my loved ones. I would be like, hey, it's been so long. I'm living under a rock for 100 years. I'd be like, instantaneously. There's a skinny.

Here's the deal, okay? Here's the deal. I'm off. I'm done. You know what? You know how I often think that I was better than everyone? Turns out I fucking am. You're all ants to me.

You know how I was always saying to you guys that if I ever became a sort of god that I would forget about you in an instant? Yeah. Guess what? And that conversation's happening right now. Yeah, it's happening. So anyway, who are you again? It's just going to be easier for me to detach.

Have a good life. I'll rob a bank for you, get you set up financially or whatever. But you must know that I have lobotomized myself from the memory of Boriel. Yeah, I've removed my humanity. Not like an actual lobotomy, but just kind of like I willed it. Yeah, I said a social lobotomy I've given myself. Anyway, see that rock over there?

It'd be sad to watch all the milfs become gmilfs. And then bilfs, dead. Dead I'd like to fuck. I suppose you don't want to fuck them presently. Dead I'd like to fuck. I suppose you don't want to fuck them presently. Dead I once liked to fuck. Yeah. Dilfs. Dilfs.

Dilfs. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, I guess, yeah, after a certain time, you would then start losing your humanity more and more. And I guess, yeah. And, yeah. Go to Mars, I wonder what rock. Do whatever you want.

I mean, you might hit a point where you're like, well, I'm kind of bored of Earth. I've seen everywhere. Yeah. I'm just going to aim in a direction and go. Yeah. See what's out there. See if you can hit an alien planet or something.

Yeah. Go through it. Go through it. Okay. Going so fast. You've been going so fast for so long, you just don't even notice. You're just kind of zoning out like a bullet through it.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. You're like satellites going up past you. Oh, okay. Oh, I guess I dark-phoenixed it. Okay, not deliberately. I'm going to pay more attention to where I'm going. Yeah, hopefully there's no intergalactic consequences for this.

There's no intergalactic council that may want to hunt me down it would be funny to fly into space because I reckon if I flew for too long I would immediately forget where earth oh

and I don't know if you know this dude but earth and like our current unit constantly moving yeah wait it was right here

even going to like going to mars yeah trying to find earth from there yeah that's easier because you look at like like, oh, there's the sun. Oh, yeah, but you have to...

So then I've got to fly towards the sun. Yeah, but it's not... When is it going to get the size I remember? But also... I put my figure up as a cover or not? I don't remember. But also, you know how they're like, you imagine space as like... I mean, obviously, you might imagine this,

even though you know academically it's not true yeah or one plane sun on one plane this is not how it works you'll fly you'll be like I'll just hit for the sun

then you arrive at the sun and look behind you oh fuck now I'm too charged up and I'm gonna die let's just sit on Mercury for a bit where's Mercury

where's Mercury you're just gonna get lost in space whoa like the show like the show you two just you go up to help Vassar and are just gone

yeah I just think After a time Pick a direction Go, see what happens Find a scientist, what's in your stuff from here? Yeah, Alpha Centauri or whatever Where is it? Can you point me to it? Fly up, fly down

Get a helmet right now Fly up, fly down It's gone You lost Damn Grab the scientist Try to fly up Be like

Point Right now Where is it Where am I going There sweet Fill them back to earth Oh rust in peace Fly to

Alpha Centauri Yeah See if something Cools over there Yeah Cause I reckon If there was That star over there

Fly towards it I reckon I got it. Yeah. Anything else? You keep the star in your line of sight and you just never... Oh, if I fall asleep. Does your man have to sleep? Surely not. I would sleep.

I'd want to close my eyes. I'd sleep. Under a rock for 100 years, we know. Yeah, then I wake up, go around, see what life's like in 100 years. Yeah, know no one because everyone else is dead except us. Yeah. I was in a rock sleep. Awesome was Amit's in space.

You hung around. It was awesome. I reckon I'm going to spend this hundred years underwater, seeing what I can find. Under a rock, I go space, which really should be your move, JB, because I guess you've become the protector of Earth. Oh, no.

It seems to be more of a me move. How did we switch? I guess you remain eternal. Oh, yeah. It used to be more of a meme. How did we switch? I guess you remain eternal. Well, yeah, I don't change. Yeah, I still stand by the fact that doing bad stuff would become, even if I wanted to, I'd be like, well,

even my conscience would take it, but I'd be like, well, it's boring. I robbed a bank. Whoop-de-doo. The consequences are cops shoot at me and nothing happens.

Yeah. Rob a bank or not rob a bank, the consequences are basically thedoo. The consequences are cops shoot at me and nothing happens. Rob a bank or not rob a bank, the consequences are basically the same. Yeah, and even if you were going like a grander criminal activity, like I'm going to destroy this nation. Who's going to stop us? Well, yeah, there's that, but also there's a finite amount of nations on Earth. And you're like, it's actually probably going to be more entertaining for me to- Try and fix things.

I might. Maybe you'll set yourself up. Maybe I'll do this. For like a year, a hundred years, I'll be like, alright, I'm going to be the villain of Earth. But I'm going to do it in such a way that I never actually destroy humanity. It's just like something to do. Yeah.

I'm like, oh, you gotta kill me, or I'm going to destroy your country, and then they try and kill me, and it's a big battle. And then I pretend I'm dead. Oh, well done, you did it. That missile really hurt, despite all obvious sort of visual whatever. I'm dead. Oh, you've killed me.

He's just walking away. Yep, yep, yep. He's walking into the sea, I think. Oh, that's what happens when you kill one of me. I came from the sea, let's say. And to the sea of which I return. I go into the water and then like five minutes later just fly out. See you guys.

See you guys. See you in a hundred years. Waving at the tanks. Bye. That was fun, huh? Yeah, see you around. Could you sit and ground it? Yeah, I mean, that's something.

It's funny. It's a reference. I'm making a reference to the funniest comic book. I'm gumping it. I'm Boris Gumping it. I'm super gumping it. To be honest, you go a little bit crazy because now not many human connections you can make because people

can't really relate to you at all so yeah i guess you'd have to do so much to keep yourself entertained like pretty much have to you'd almost have to be forming connections pretty much on like a 10-year cycle yeah yeah because like becoming friends with people in like for me well for all of us i guess like in anywhere between like their mid-20s and say 40 yeah normal yeah then like once your friends are starting to get to like pushing 50 like well i'm not that anymore yeah yeah but then even and i understand like age means nothing anymore because we're infinite yeah yeah but even then like your interest and stuff like that like and like the things you want to do yeah yeah i guess that would have changed but also the things

you want to do like well what's stopping you would have changed. But also the things you want to do, like, well, what's stopping you from doing anything? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to become listless and violent. Yeah, okay. I think it's an inevitability. For a bit, then you're good for a hundred years. Yeah! And then a hundred years later, you're the greatest

scourge the Earth has ever seen. I kind of hate to agree with you, but yeah. Spend a hundred years living as a bear? Yeah. See if that's good. Yeah, you could kill a bear, wear the bear. Be a bear for a bit. The idea of popping someone's head by clapping on it?

Pretty satisfying. Spend a hundred years just being a statue and down. Not moving, and then after a hundred years you're like, well that was fun. Fly away. Dude, was there a statue there? Yeah, he's... He's a guy.

He went up. Oh, okay. Yeah. I guess if we all got a power of Superman right here, right now, it would definitely change a lot of things. Yes, absolutely. Yeah. But also, not so much.

Not... Yeah. As much things change, they stay the same. Yes, absolutely. But also not so much. As much things change they stay the same. You live in life, zero consequences. Can you be more or less stress free? I think I would have zero stress in my life.

Nothing's a ticking clock anymore. There's no deadlines. I have zero responsibilities. The only thing is it's sad that... With great power becomes no responsibility. Yeah, yeah, exactly. There's a tipping point. The only thing right now that's tying to us is, like, loved ones.

Yeah. And that'll be dead soon, so- And all, like, personal goals and stuff like that. Personal goals got the window. But now it just becomes- I think initially you'd be like, well, I want to help my loved ones achieve their goals. Yeah, yeah. Babe, I'm taking you to space.

Oh, no! I'm taking you to Hawaii like you've always... I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. You do me back off. Hey, cats, do you want to go to Italy? Guys, I've made some terrible, terrible decisions.

Where's Jackson? You idiots should have gone for the rock. I've hurt no one I love. I just forgot they existed while they slowly died without me. Hopefully they've forgotten me. They are. Oh, they are. I guess it'd be, yeah, you'd want to help,

at least I would probably want to help everyone else around me immediately, and then after that, yeah, you'd be like, well, we don't have each other to bond with in a thousand years. That's good news for you and bad news for us. That's good and bad news. It would depend when we met up every hundred years, like what I'd be doing. Yeah, you're only catching up with us once every hundred years. Sometimes I'm a statue for a hundred years. What have you guys been up to? I've been a statue.

Yeah. What's that like? Not super interesting. Did you soul search, I guess? No, I just sort of watched what happened around me. Had pigeons on me. Is that good? No, I probably won't do it again.

After a hundred years is up, I just flew away. I just flew away. I committed to it, but in the long run, of the experiences available to me, it's not the five. He'd be a statue long enough for people to know that you weren't a statue. But then towards the end, they wouldn't. People would definitely forget I wasn't a statue but then towards the end they wouldn't people would definitely forget I wasn't a statue

for the first 20 years they'd be like that's just a guy that's fucking super coke right there that's a guy that's a guy that forced

a coke brand deal for himself that's why the fact he seemed to only want to drink pepsi never once did he talk to pepsi get down

he's not saying anything I don't know maybe he's dead and then yeah 60 years down to only want to drink Pepsi. No one city talked about it. Get down! He's not saying anything. I don't know. Maybe he's dead. And then, yeah, 60 years down the track, people forget. Oh, hey, you know,

fun fact about the city, that's a guy. No way that's a guy. Oh, it's a guy. I know he's... He's not moving. About 60 to 70 years ago, he landed the... Does the C stand for cock man?

I'm just sitting there furious. Furious I can't retaliate because I've got to be a statue. Hey, you hear Jackson's being a statue? I'm going to go down there and start a vicious rumor that it's cock man. You just changed the plaque at my feet to cock man. My eyes glancing down. Look at you, just like tapping it in. What are you writing down there?

I'm just making this... Cock man? Just making it clear who you are. Yeah, cock man. God damn it. I was trying to speak without moving any kind of muscle. Tell you who you're writing. It's telekinesis that you keep forgetting.

Or telepathy or whatever. And then a hundred years pass and I get up off my pedestal and then look at the cock man.

A hundred years of cock man. Fucking hell, when did they do this? I gotta find the job. Flying into

space like Superman. Cock man. Still painted gray. This is funny. Still painted grey like the statue, I guess.

There's us sitting in Hawaii, just seeing us just flying off into space. He just thinks we're in space? Where's he going? He doesn't pay enough attention to us to know where we are. We said we might go to space, but it's only been a hundred years. Cockman! Flying off through the atmosphere.

Let me listen with my super hearing. He's not thinking about cockman. He's screaming cockman in the stratosphere. Yeah, okay. He sounds like he really can't believe it. He's really pissed off. Yeah, fuck, I got him. Yeah.

He's going to look foolish when he can't find it. And then we've ridden Earth of the greatest threat. I was a statue. I was harmless. Yeah, for now. Oh, yeah. I was going to be bad. Yeah.

So I guess, should we get superheroes powers? Should we get superheroes powers? Should we get superman's powers now? No. No, probably not. No, they're not good for us. No. That's not good for anyone, really.

And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. You sure you haven't been Cockman? Yeah. You sure you haven't been Cockman? Cockman? Are you kidding me?

I'm Super Coke. Super Cock? Is that what you said? I don't know if it's super. I heard it was quite little. I can't believe it. I don't know if I can believe in Super Coke. Super Cock? Is that what you said? I don't know if it's super. I heard it was quite little. I can't believe it. I don't know if I can believe in Super Cock. Cock Man, though.

I'm right behind him. Now that's a name to set the time to.