Plumbing the Death Star - What Would You Do With 101 Dalmatians?

Episode Date: June 13, 2021

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hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star where we ask the important questions like what would you do with 101 dalmatians So the plumbing boys, we've moved in next to a lovely couple. The darling couple. The darling couple. Their dogs have just had puppies. They got two Dalmatians. Roger Darling and... Mindy Darling.

Mindy Carlin, sorry. Anna Lay. Anna Lee? Annalin, sorry. Anna Lay. Anna Lee? Anna something. It's Anna something. This will destroy us. It's Anna and Roger, right? I think it's Anna and Roger.

Yeah. So they've had some puppies. That doesn't sound right. It isn't, but I wanted you to move on. Yeah, yeah. That's why I said yes, because I hope we can move past this, but you've got your phone out, so we can't. No, no, no.

It's all right. I'm checking something else with my phone. Oh, yeah, I'm sure. No, no, no, no checking something else with my phone. Oh, yeah, I'm sure. No, no, no, no, no, no. We believe you. Yeah, yeah, it's fine. 101. Lady name.

Lady name. Anita. Anita. I just want you to know that I got that before. Name's not on the screen. I got it before we got there. Your brain was just churning over. I just want to double check.

Yep. Anita Campbell Green Dealey. Fuck. Damn it. The Dalek children went to Neverland. We're fucking stupid. The Dealeys. The Dealeys have the dogs.

Okay, the Dealeys. Anita and Roger Dealey. They've moved in next door to us. Campbell Green Dealey. Thank you. Excuse me. That's only Anita's name. She's been married a bunch.

People have a cool thing called middle names. Anyway, they've had some puppies. They're not her middle names. Campbell Green are hyphened with Dealey. Well, then her parents double barreled. It's really not important. Could be. And so.

What if my plan with the dogs, Jackson, you don't know, you're not in my head, involves a triple barrel thing. You're right. Or triple barrel maybe. What your intent is. Yeah. But they moved in next door. The dogs had puppies. You're right. A quadruple barrel day. For what your intent is. Yeah. But they moved in next door. The dogs had puppies. They're two Dalmatians.

The stupidest dog there is, the Dalmatian, has had puppies. The sluggish hog-like synapses of the plumbing boys are firing. And we're like, we each individually, we see the puppies, we look at each other, and we know each other's scheming face. I have an idea. We got some puppy plans. We got some puppy plans. We got some puppy plans. We each retire to our individual rooms to figure them out.

Come out with some schematics, a big folder. Schematics? Yeah, and be like, all right. Sam is making a machine. Okay, so. All right, boys, boys, boys. What do we often have? We have, basically, where is, I guess, a hole in the market, right?

And that is, so young people, what do they love? They love horses. TikTok, vaping, masturbating. TikTok, vaping, masturbating. TikTok, vaping, masturbating. Sorry, me and Dish are starting a band. Yes, horses. Okay, so a lot of, it's all very lot of Oh look at that little girl

She wants to be a horse girl It's so expensive Children love horses Can I just interrupt Did you plan to turn 101 horse girls Into 101 dog girls Oh thank god I thought he was going to turn 101 Dalmatians Into one horse

I was scared So it's like okay okay, we get it. Ponies are big. Even though they are a small horse, they are still quite big and could trample a little girl's head. I would first off smear the pony and horse

industry by really emphasizing how much force a horse or pony's hoof has on a little girl's head. Can we do it like this? Can we book some time on like a community television or whatever late at night and I'm holding a pumpkin with a little kid's face drawn on it? Yes, yes. And then you're like,

douche's hand comes from off screen and jabs the horse in the rump and its hoof crushes the pumpkin. Imagine if this here pumpkin was the face of a little girl and you put the hair and my boot is nothing but a horse's hoof. Boom! Look, it's gone. It explodes. Now, what if that hoof

was the gentle paw of the world's stupidest animal at Dalmatian? He's missing. He don't know where it is. He dumb. He don't know. What if...

Are you saying that if he did get it, that would be bad? I mean, no. I just gently caress the pumpkin. So your plan is to simply just distribute 101 dogs. No, no, no, no, no. Because we have a ranch. Okay, dog ranch.

Okay, you're not just simply handing out 101 dogs because you have a ranch. So it's an investment property. It's an investment property. This seems well thought out. No, investment business property. Investment business property. Do you need a ranch for dogs? Especially because if you're just trying to turn,

I think what's happened here, Jackson, sidebar. Don't worry about it. You just have a thing. You just have a hmmm. Okay, me and Dusha will figure out what's wrong with our friend. I think what Joel Zalman has done here is he's thought horse girl, Dalmatians are big,

can replace the horse with a dog. Forgetting that people have puppies. Well, here's my- Yeah, that's already happening. But here's my- It's actually more common to have a dog than a horse. Here's my crazy thought is that, did he buy the ranch first?

He's gonna buy the, is he gonna start a farm with 101 dogs? I think what may have happened is he's bought a ranch without a plan. I think he's bought a ranch as part of some other scheme. Yeah, the scheme fell through. And he's trying to shoehorn the second scheme. The other day, the four of us all individually thought of a centaur. And we're like, what would you do with a centaur?

And each went to our rooms. But we forgot about that quickly. And as part of that, Sam had a ranch. And now he's going to fill it with dogs and then distribute the dogs to people who come to the ranch. If you go, say, like, a horse place. You had so long to think, yet

nothing came. So long to think, and yet horse place was probably gone. So you go to a horse place and then you're like, I don't want to look after a horse. And they do it all for you. And then you're like, hey, I want to ride this pony and I want to go to a horse place, because I don't want to look after a horse, and they do it all for you, and then you're like, hey, I want to ride this pony, and I want to go to wineries, and you do a horseback winery thing, and I'm like, that's great, because I don't have to deal with dealing with a horse.

Are you opening a winery? With a Dalmatian, but the person riding the Dalmatian can't legally drink. So... Dogs and wine. Dogs and wine. Dogs and wine. Okay, what if... Burn the ranch down. Sell the ranch.

Okay, just buy the ranch back. Oh, fuck. As opposed to... I think what you're about to do, you're about to pitch us service animals but for booze. I know. I was going to be like, it's like a walking tour to wineries,

but you get to walk a dog. Are you starting the winery? You reinvented taking your dog for a walk. Are you starting the winery in your ranch? You sold the ranch. You bought the ranch back again. I thought we bought it. We bought it.

We've got to keep the dog somewhere. Well, a ranch is a perfect place to keep a dog. 101 dogs. So just to keep a dog somewhere. Well, a ranch is the perfect place to keep a dog. 101 dogs. So just to get the... Okay, so it's like we make fair. Sell the ranch? No, no. At the ranch.

We have a ranch. So we put a fair in the ranch. Yes. In the winery ranch. So we need... Still a winery? So everything you do at a fair... Did we crush the grapes?

No. Did we sell the grapes? Are we actually making wine here? So there's a fair. So there's a fair. Everything that we do with a fair is Dalmatian themed. Okay. So again, you have dog rides.

So you put a saddle on a dog, you can go for... Doucheside bar. Wait, hang on. Doucheside bar. Is this just his horse idea again? Yeah, it's his horse idea. Has he just changed the location? It's one aspect, right?

There's a fair, there's many things to do. Like, in fair, you often have, like, a market, and there's, like, of local produce, so, like, cheese. We can make dog cheese, can't we? Yeah, you know how we famously make horse cheese? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you saying? You're trying to replace a horse with a dog?

Riding the dog? They're like, do you want to try this dog's cheese? I do not. Dog milk cheese? I really don't. I think it'd be pretty good. If you could just point me to the exit, I would love to go. Actually, this sounds really bad.

I might go home. Okay. Yeah, we might go home. Okay. We make all fair. So if it's fair, the two places are a stocking dog gym. It's been a while since I've been to a fair. What aspect? What's the activities? So rides.

So you get a sled. Sometimes you go to farm animals and it'll be like, come see the biggest cow. Come see a lot of dogs. So rides, we can get a sleigh that's been pulled by the dogs. I don't know if it's Zabit's energy or just because this is the only ranch I can think of, but I'm thinking of Lon Lon Ranch from Ocarina of Time. The way it sort of works.

I keep thinking the phrase dude ranch and realizing I don't know what that means. So the ranch in dude ranch refers to like the source, not like the ranch ranch. What? It's a cum joke. I always assumed that one, it was what you call the place where you kept all your male horses.

I guess that would be a stud ranch or it was a cool name for a male strippers. Coming down to the Dude Ranch. The confusion there probably comes from Blink-182 using the Dude Ranch as the title of one of their albums and the album cover being a bull with balls at a ranch. Well, Sam, if you've got a ranch... It's like Pearl Jam.

It's the same fucking joke. It's just cum. You've called your band cum. Well done, gang. Well, I learned a lot today. So I'm thinking it's like a farmer's market and all those kind of activities that you do. Dog honey? Dog honey? Well, I'm just thinking of a farmer's market and all those kind of activities that you do. Dog honey?

Dog honey? Well, I'm just thinking of the things you typically get at a farmer's market. Vegetables, honey, cured meats. So like a horse. I am so scared. Can dogs, like a wolf, this may be related to honey, go on. Like a horse. Like a horse.

Because you know how you get like a draft horse That does lots of plowing If I got enough Dogs To run a farm We came full circle It was a ranch So like How much

Horse power can I equate to one dog power Or many dog power One horse power is four horses So how many dogs is one horse Okay so one dog power? Or many dog power? You know what I mean? Well, one horsepower is four horses. So how many dogs is one horse? Well, four dogs, one horse. Okay, so I've got a lot of dog power. Let's find out if there's an answer. Dog power.

How many dogs is one horse power? Okay, a lot of the searches have not helped me. Yeah. Well, I know one horse is worth- Oh my God. Yeah. Well, I know one horse is worth- Oh my God. Yeah. 5.25 dogs equals one horsepower. Okay.

So we can start doing some interesting math here. So like 21 dog power is- Hang on. How many dogs equal one horsepower? 5.25. Let's round it down to five. Make our life easier. Now, one horsepower is four horses.

Therefore, that's one and a half, one and a quarter dogs to a horse. So five dog equals one horse. One horse equals four horse. But I think the maths I saw didn't include the one horse to four horse. I think it's just one dog to one horse. Sorry, 5.25 dogs to one horse.

It's time for me to play everyone's favorite game, is what I'm saying true? Or is it a classic Jackson Bailey thing you think is a thing? That's the question. How? I think it's four. How many? Welcome to our side podcast.

Is this thing Jackson thinks a thing? How many horsepower is a horse? It was in one of my recently published things. 15. What? 15 horses. One horse is worth 15 horsepower. So then the maths is definitely 5.25 dogs to one horse.

So five dog equals one horse and one horse equals 15 horses. No. No. It gives 15 horsepower. One horse has the power of 15 horses. It's going to go the other way. So one horse has the power of 15 horses or 15 horses have the power of one horse? No, no, no.

Joel Dush has a sidebar for himself. These fucking idiots aren't listening. So the 5.25 dogs equals one. I said 5.25. Five dogs equals one horse. Yeah, got that down. One horsepower equals 15 horses. Yeah, got that down. One horsepower equals 15 horses. Oh.

Okay. So how many horses do we need? Five times 15 equals one. Yeah, okay. That's the math we've come up with. That's some dog horse math. I say you go to this dude ranch ideas I was suggesting earlier.

So 15 times five, is that what you're saying? Yeah, and that's how many dogs will equal one horsepower. So 75 dogs for one horsepower. One horsepower. If we cull some dogs. So 101 Dalmatians has 1.34 horsepower.

Okay. That's not much. Man, that is grim. Anywho, so either way, for five dogs, could be basically pulling a thing that one horse pulls, yeah? Let's say yes. So I could kind of put those dogs to work. Basically, I could make a kind of big farm with many different aspects, but mostly all run by the dogs.

Okay. Like a working dog. Run by the dogs? One of us have more horsepower than a dog. No, sorry, than 75 dogs. Okay. Like a working dog. Run by the dogs? Lawnmowers have more horsepower than a dog. No, sorry, than 75 dogs. That's crazy. But it occurs to me I don't know what horsepower means. Like, if I was

like dogs, mow this lawn, they would take a while to chew it. They wouldn't understand. Well, that's also true. Either with the lawnmower. Hey, cut the lawn. If I trained a dog, Yeah. Yeah. It would take a while for it to mow the lawn. Yeah, that is true. That is true. I don't lawn mower. Hey, cut the lawn. If I trained a dog, it would take a while for it to mow the lawn. Yeah, that is true. That is true. I don't know if that's what

horsepower means, but that is true. Okay, so you've got a dog farm. We've got a farm where a lot of the things that usually you get, say, a horse for, you replace that with I'm realizing now in the century we live in, a lot of those are replaced by tractors

and other chemical things. Hey, can you check out how many horsepower a tractor is, Joel? Just so we can find out how many dogs Joel's Hammond's going to need. Oh, no, screw it. Don't worry. We're burning the farm down. Back to the fair. The dog cheese is where we're making our money.

So when you lived out in the bush, and we'd often go to those places. Kind of country fairs. Those country fairs. So what are the things'd often go to those places. Country fairs, yeah. Those country fairs. So what are the things that they had there? True. So they had, again- Water garden tractor, 15 to 20 horsepower.

That's too many dogs. So I'm remembering here, so we had- There was a tarot reader. Tarot reader. So we could do a dog tarot reader. Okay. Okay. Yeah.

So you pay some money, and a dog reads you your fortune. Or maybe several dogs read your fortune. Maybe we have several things and whichever one the majority goes towards. Not what I expected. Just a bit of a sidebar. Why doesn't he just do the dog tarot readers and get a person to read the dog's tarot? I guess you're not bringing your dog to the farm. The dog's already dead.

Yeah, sidebar, damn it. Why does Dusha think I would pay to see a dog's fortune get read? Imagine if you had a dog, if you have a dog, and the sidebar, Jackson. Okay, I'm listening. You've got a dog. It seems wrong. Do you think that maybe spiritually it's off?

You can take it to Joel's ranch, find out what's wrong about it. There's something cosmically wrong with my dog. Okay, okay. Quick sidebar for three of us. Quick question. Is the dog reading other dogs' tarots, or is the dog coming to my place and I'm reading their tarots? Just a quick sidebar, Joel Zammett. Your idea is bad, but I don't think Jackson's caught on yet because dogs can't talk.

Good point. And here's another one. Read. It's all bullshit. That's what tower reading is, basically, right? Big goal. It's all just kind of just like, so you put some kind of like piles of things around

and whichever one the dog goes to, then you're like, oh, see, this was the queen of death. That means it's whichever one the dog goes to then you're like oh see this was the queen of death that means nothing for the dog is this for good forking no it's for people to come in they were like

I want my tarot read by the dog and so we we bury the tarot like cards around or we put them over complicated

he's over complicated this is immediate one of the other hundred dogs is gonna do it we put a bit of meat I think this is they're also doing the dog cheese. You've got to milk.

How many dogs are you milking? A lot. 100? So you've got one tararita and 100 milked dogs. Well, I can't milk the male dogs, can I? Yeah, that's true. It's back to the dude ranch right there. No.

All right, so we've got. Jerking off a dog is gross, but dog cheese is good and acceptable and great to sell to the general public. Yes, I will stand by that statement 100%. I would say both bad. Some people cook with cum, so. Jackson, okay. So we've got-

All right, so sidebar. Sidebar, J.D., J.D., that's not good. I don't like that at all. I'm very upset. So I was team both are bad. Your team, one's okay, one's bad. Jackson's both are great. Well, hey, Jack, sidebar.

So I know that they use bull semen in hair products and those kind of things, like skin serum. I saw someone make a flan with cum once. Sidebar douche. This is making me want to vomit. Yeah, yeah, that's fine. I don't like this. Hang on.

Sidebar Jackson. Yeah. Do you think that making shampoo is cooking? Because Joel Zabat appears to. It's a kind of cooking. Cyborg, Cyborg. I don't think it's cooking. I'm just saying you can use animal cum as product to make a thing.

Cyborg boys. I don't think I know what a flan is, actually. You watched it. Okay, so we've got tarot reading for dogs. Buy dogs, sorry.ot reading for dogs By dogs sorry By dogs for dogs By dogs for dogs For your cosmically wrong dog

Yeah in that situation The chakras are all fucked Is the tarot reader Telling me or the dog I'm not there And the tarot reader's like Death and then looks at me And's like that's bad

You're not gonna be like Oh buddy You gotta put your dog down Wait There's What else Animal Feeding You're going to be like, oh, buddy. You're going to put your dog down. Wait. There's, what else is in those? Animal feeding. Okay.

That's easy. That's like a pen full of a bunch of dogs. It's gross. It's easy. Most people do it every day. I was noticing wet food. No, no, no. Oh, yeah, put it in their bowl. Yeah.

That's gross. And maybe like a bottle so you can do that. I don't like that. Of dog milk. Of dog milk. He's already got plenty for the cheese. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's that. I don't like that. Of dog milk. He's got plenty for the cheese. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess you feed little lambs with milk.

Yeah. What else do you or we could have lambs and have... Well, we could feed the lambs the dog milk! You have 101 dogs and zero... And like three lambs! Why do you need three? What do I do with these 101 dogs? I gotta figure something out.

That's right, buy some lambs! If I had more animals, I would have less problems. I'm Joel's ham. I got too many animals. What if I added more animals? Oh, no! What else? There's a reason God picked Noah and not Joel's ham. Yeah, just let them

all on. Oh, this was too many. Oh, shit. What else is out there? God, I've drowned. Those fares. There's usually some guy selling rocks. Get him.

I can be like, these rocks were dug up by these dogs. How much? What do you mean these rocks? What? What do you mean what? It's so easy. What do you mean these rocks? What? What do you mean what? It's so easy. What do I mean what? These rocks were found by these dogs.

And I have a dog there sitting down. Why do I care? Because that's what rocks are. All rocks have sort of probably been dug up by a dog. Okay, sidebar. With myself. Both of those ideas are insane. Dogs dig.

Yeah, not every rock has been dug up by a dog. Mountains are mostly made of rocks, and dogs haven't touched those. Okay, I'll just buy them wholesale and sell them and just say that the dog found them. So you're going to claim to me that you have, just so I can understand, you have psychic dogs. I have milking dogs. I have 101 very clever dogs. I have. You have milking dogs. I have 101 very clever dogs.

Some dogs are good at finding geodes. Some are good at finding geodes. Others are real good at being milked. Okay. How long do we think, sidebar, how long do we think before Joel Zammett's dog ranch is foreclosed upon? Two to three hours. I think as he's putting up the sign that says Joel Zabin's dog ranch

somebody's taking it down behind him. He finishes the hatred he turns around and there's nothing left on the sign. I'm trying and then yeah you just have like. How much are you charging for entry? Yeah what's the ticket? I've made a lot of bad decisions. You bought a ranch.

And lambs. A grand a ticket. Boys I'm in trouble again. I've made a lot of bad decisions. You bought a ranch. Yeah. And lambs. A grand a ticket. Boys, I'm in trouble again. I've made some risky financial moves. $10,000. $10,000 a ticket. And I look inside and I see a dog near a Geo. And you're like, the dog dug that up.

And I'm like, oh, here's my money. I'm going to see this dog that can dig up rocks. Let's see. Well, housing dogs seems to be pricey. Yes. 101, that's a lot of dogs. Plus, not to mention the lambs. The Dealey

family actually have that exact problem. What if they then became like an art exhibition of 101 Dalmatians living on this ranch that I then charged. I think it's time you took the dogs. I lost the dogs. You come and get them in your car.

Jackson. Yeah. In 1957, humanity Strive for greatness. Okay. And they achieved something. But I feel like with 101 shots, I can achieve truly something more. In 1957, the Soviet Union shot Laika to space. Oh, yeah.

What if we did it again 101 times? What if there's something good up there for dogs? Okay, so, yes, the question has to be, what did they hope Laika would achieve? I'd love that you think the Soviet failed. They were like, oh, Laika didn't find. We were like, Laika, go find aliens. Yeah, go find something cool in space.

Off you go. Oh, no. Maybe I'll have a, like, retreat plan, though, because they didn't. Their plan was to poison the dog, but it died before the poison got to it. Yeah, it's a sad story. But 101 times, I mean, the second time people will be like, he's a lunatic for trying to see it.

By the 10th time, they'll be like, I guess this is funny. Well, I think they'll be like, he's a lunatic because we know we can send a dog to space. Now, what else is to be learned? Boys, you were saying I spent a lot of money and then financial debt. Research. Government funding. Something your ranch will never get. Because I spent a lot of money on a ranch.

You're making rocket chips. Let's do it. Let's play this out. I'll be NASA. Hi, my name's John NASA. Welcome to the program. Hi, John NASA. I know we're cowards because astronauts keep dying. I've got 101 dogs that are very brave.

Okay. Can dogs control a spaceship? If we build it, they can. Okay. I don't... What do you mean? Build it to what specification? Dog specification. What are you hoping to... What is that Dog specification. What are you hoping to... Like, what is that?

What? What are you hoping to achieve when we get the dogs into space? Okay, okay. Best case scenario. Maintenance. We've made your dog specification rocket. Yeah. We've put 101 of them in there.

No, it's 101 rockets. Oh, 101 rockets. One rocket each? I think so is the idea, right? That's so much rocket. They don't have to be big. They just need to be dog-sized. They've got to be the size of a dog.

If you look at the spaceships that we've sent up, they aren't the size of a man. Dalmatian is basically the size of man. I guess if we sent them up that they were the size of a dog, we'd just watch them all burn up in the atmosphere. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because I guess if we sent them up that they were the size of a dog, we'd just watch them all burn up in the atmosphere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we kind of need... It's actually more economical for us.

If we were to send up a lot of dogs, it's to kind of, like, batch them, basically. But then, what's to stop them getting territorial? I've heard Dalmatians are quite stupid. Yeah, I'm worried that the dogs, when in space, will cause more problems for space. Yeah, I don't know if a dog knows to, like, shit in not everywhere.

Yeah, when they sent Laika into space, they were testing whether or not something could survive. Yeah. And we know that. And we did. What if we see if we can just survive further? Okay. But a dog has a shorter lifespan than a human.

Yeah, but sending a human to space to just see how far they go is pretty fucked. Dogs are worthless. But we also have... I'm a morally complicated man who works at NASA. But we also have drones. Yeah, my friend John Nassar raises a great point. Now here's a quick word from our sponsor. Hey, I'm sure whatever

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wherever you find your podcasts. Okay. Dog. Astronauts. On the moon or Mars. Oh, okay. Test gravity, see what the dog brain does. Here, let me just run the simulation. The dog lands on Mars, runs away. Come back! The Mars rover's got a little dog whistle feature. Come back. Come here. Oh, but he's gone. He's lost in the Martian wilderness.

Surely we'd be able to get some data from that. Yeah, but not back to. He's lost in the Martian wilderness. Surely we'd be able to get some data from that Yeah, but not back to us Lost dog. You're just watching the dog skeleton 101 dogs flee in all directions from the Mars Rover Well, I don't know how good the Mars Rover will like we treads go over a dead dog That's gonna be fucked up when we finally land there We have to do something with all the- You'll be walking around in your fucking Mars colony

being like, oh, that's one of the- Yeah, NASA's horrific Dalmatian experiment. Yeah, that is sad. Because they wouldn't decompose. Yeah, that's true. Or would they instantly decompose? I don't know enough about Mars. Well, the moon, maybe.

Maybe the moon. The moon, another great choice. Here's a question. If you jump too much on the moon, maybe. Maybe the moon. The moon, another great choice. Here's a question. If you jump too much on the moon, do you keep going up? No. No, because it has its own gravitational pull. It's just way less. It just seems like the astronauts that went there

were being really serious about it, and I feel like the Dalmatians are going to play silly buggers. I just can see them floating away. Imagine Neil Armstrong if he had a frisbee and 101 Dalmatians. Yeah, if he'd thrown the frisbee and as the dog jumped up, would the dog have just kept going? Like a dog grabs the frisbee and like Thor getting pulled by his hammer, a dog is pulled by the Frisbee.

One small step for mankind, I have too many dogs. That's what everyone hears. A less memorable speech. Is he saying something? Get out of it. That just replaces his famous, I saw the name of getting sucked off comment or whatever it was. You know, one small step for mankind.

One small step for me. One small step for man, but a giant leap for mankind. Here's to you, my next-door neighbor that was getting sucked off if I landed on the moon or something. Yeah, something like that. What? Oh, you don't know about this? Yeah, it's like a...

I think it might be an urban legend. I don't know if it's true, but he... Overheard his neighbors being like, I'll give you a blowjob if one man walks on the moon. And then when he walked on the moon, he was like, hey. Here's to you, Mr. Blowjob. The first Johnny Blowjob. Yeah, okay, so you got all the dogs at NASA.

Yeah. I honestly think, though, like, just like. Good that it's a bit serious. Okay. Okay. Dog on the moon. Great. We're going to find out stuff just through watching a dog on the moon that we are not.

Could you just give me an idea? Okay. The kind of thing we could learn. What are we going to learn from a dog dying on the moon? I just don't... I understand you want a dog on the moon. I'm like, I'm there, but I don't know what data... Down in NASA, we're looking at the readings.

How does it affect the brain of a dog being in space? Are the behaviors going to change? Because astronauts change from millions... Yeah. I guess. They'll be certainly millions. Yeah. I guess. Yeah. They'll be certainly afraid. That dog looks frightened.

Write that down. Because the thing is, we're the human. When we send them to moon, we're like, how'd that feel? He'd be like, I was pretty scared.

Yeah, it was fucked up. The dog back is just shaking. We're like, that fucked it up pretty bad. Whereas I'm like, astronaut, can you tell me your experience? I immediately felt insignificant when I looked at the Earth.

What does that do to a dog? How can you communicate that with a dog? Humanity sent... Witness it. We sent a chip... Watch it. Not maintenance. Why don't we send maintenance?

Okay, what... What's the thing called when you do a study and you're watching... Observe? Observation. You observe a dog. And so what telltale signs are you like, ah. You send a dog to the moon.

The dog looks at Earth from the moon. Then gets sent back to Earth. Then you just watch the dog. See how it acts. It shits itself. It shakes. It's scared. You've got to take it to one of those vet dog psychologists.

What did you do to this dog? Then the dog psychologist can tell me what it's going through The dog is like, no dog has ever been this traumatized Something crazy But what the hell do I know? Fuck, I'm coming in a jiffy Will the dog even know? Because if I get a dog and put it in a car

Then drive it for like 8 hours We sent a chimp to space The chimp didn't know what was happening The chimp had been trained to press some buttons By giving it electric shocks If it didn't press the buttons happening. The chip had been trained to press some buttons by giving it electric shocks. If it didn't press the buttons on Earth, it electrocuted his feet. And then as he went up...

That's a dumb move, because there'd be things in space that would hurt more than getting an electric shock. I don't think... What? What are you saying? Okay, something's going wrong. Yeah.

I guess I'd just let... Never mind. In my head, I was like, okay, cool. So, like, if he does... Space is pointy. No, not space is pointy and poach it. I just like, like,

I don't know. Say it's like spinning out of control or something. And they zap his feet to like get him to press a button to stabilize it. The motion sickness would feel worse than the electric shock. I'd imagine. Yeah, but no, but they trained him before.

Yeah. Yeah. But anyway, he didn't know he was in space. He just was like, I am a chimp in a hot little box. And then he got out of the box at a certain point. He's like, I feel sick.

And they're like, you did it. And he's like, I don't know what I did. Yeah, but that's cool. Now we know. Know what? No. What do we know? Now we know.

And we've got 101 attempts. A dog's brain is so smooth. So smooth. Maybe we can see what happens when we add one wrinkle. The dog's just going like this. And we're like, that dog doesn't know it's in space. That dog wants to crack open a window and have a sniff. That's what the dog wants.

I have no fucking idea what's happening. Okay? But maybe it does. How would you ever communicate with us? A dog psychologist. If we've got dogs like that. Dogs are magic. It can know it've got dog psychologists. Dog psychologists aren't magic. It can know it's sad or happy. And it's like sad.

Or maybe happy. I got 101 sad dogs. Okay. You find out a dog went to space, comes back happier than it left. Yeah. Okay. I take a dog to a beach.

The dog is clearly happier. Yeah, but now we know that space makes you feel good. What are we going to do with that information? By one study. Then we know that. Oh, you got a sad dog sent clearly happier. Yeah, but now we know that space makes you feel good. What are we going to do with that information? By one study. Then we know that... Oh, you're going to send dogs into the space. After 101 experiments, how many of them... Okay, let's just say a weird anomaly of it's like, okay, 70% come back happier.

Yeah. What's next? Are you telling me... Joel Dusha receives the Nobel Prize apparently It's okay We found out NASA finds out A study of 101 Dalmatians

70 and a bit Came back Yeah A bit happier I would be like A dog is happy going in a car I say a dog's name It's a bit happier

Yeah I then do another study And I'm like Of 101 dogs That got into a car 70 and a bit came back pretty happy. Well, then we know we can correlate the car travel and space. NASA comes out, they're like, dogs like being in cars.

You're like, yeah. What else is new? We tell the dog beforehand, we're not taking you to the vet and he goes to the moon. I'm glad we cut NASA's funding if this is what they're doing. Are you telling me that we can correlate car rides and space trips as basically the same pressures on a dog?

That's exciting. Who needs that information? What was that? Correlation doesn't equal... Correlation doesn't equal causation. Yeah, but it can. Can I take the dogs? It can suggest that.

Can I have the dogs off Dusha, please? Yeah. I'm going to send them to the moon. We're not sending them to space. Look, I don't think it made sense, and I don't know what he thought we were going to learn. I think it made less money than the ranch. Certainly cost Dusha less.

Anyway, I'm going to turn half of them into a slurry. That's the plan. Into a what? Like a slurry, like a soup, and then I'll make dog food out of that, feed the other half. See what'll happen. What do you mean?

This is how we got mad cows. We get mad dogs. Maybe that's good. It's a kind of prank, I guess. What do you mean that's good? Who are you pranking? I guess the other dogs. Ha ha, you've got mad dog disease we're taking it to what a dog psychologist off there traumatized i know what the fuck no i'm just thinking look you're making car late between being in the car

and eating the flesh of a fellow dog that's the slurryurry. It's a slurry. It's a sort of soup. Yeah, so like 30 and a bit less dogs have the same experience of eating other dogs. Yeah, well, I just think you've got these big complicated plans. This seems like an easy thing to do. You've got a lot of dogs you've got to get rid of or whatever. We didn't have to get rid of them. We might have to turn them into a slurry or whatever, you know? Yeah.

Yeah. So how many... You have so many dog bones. Well, yeah, you could sell the dog bones too. Use every part of the animal. For what? To who? Toothpicks? Yeah. Yeah. So how many- She had so many dog bones. Well, you could sell the dog bones too. Use every part of the animal. For what? To who? Toothpicks?

They're little, I guess. They're not that little. Wait, are they puppies? Well, they're 100- Well, they don't have to. That's more slurry. I thought they were, but no, actually, that's great.

Well, then what are you going to do with the bones now? The toothpicks are off the cards. Yeah, they're big. Well, how do you make like a bones at the museum? What do you mean, how do you make like a bones at the museum? What do you mean how do you make Like the bones at the museum? At the museum they got all the bones But it's like one animal

I think it's probably a form of taxidermy isn't it? Well whatever that is Like science taxidermy Yeah I do some science taxidermy with the bones Selling to vets So vets have 50 and a bit Well I sell them to different vets So 50 and a bit different vets have 50 and a bit. Well, I sell them to different vets.

So 50 and a bit different vets have Dalmatian. With a caved in skull. It's a two-pronged approach. Prong one, turn them into slurry. Prong two, sell their bones to vets. Then vets have got to figure out what's going on in the Dalmatian. They look at the bones. What?

Okay. So much like you, I can understand. Now I'm seeing what you guys saw. What are vets going to learn from looking at a skeleton? You go to a dentist, they have got teeth. No,

but that's more for. Who's that for show? Yeah. Well, then it'd be the same thing. This is what the inside of your dog looks like. Ignore the caved in skull. If I went to a vet,

you go to a doctor, they got a skeleton. Yeah, it's not a real skeleton. And also, even if it is a skeleton in their office, they'll be like, oh, okay, so this rib and this rib are broken. Yeah, well, they could explain that to me. Look, hey, dog, this rib and this rib are broken. They explain it to the owner. These are your dog's ribs.

The dog's sad because he's got two broken ribs. These ribs are broken. And the slurry, we sell that on to someone. Someone will want the slurry. It's sad when the seller and the buyer are the only one in the same. I'd buy dog slurry, but I'm the only one making dog slurry.

It's sad, really. It's perfect. It's a closed loop. Yeah. So you've made dog slurry to feed the other dogs. Well, initially I was going to feed the other dogs. So you've made dog slurry to feed the other dogs. Well, initially I was going to feed the other dogs. So you've made every dog slurry.

Yeah, I'll make every dog into a slurry. So now you've got 101 skeletons for vets. To sell to 101 vets, 100 bucks a pop. Okay. Would you at least skin the dogs beforehand so you could then give someone enough material for a coat? I wish you'd been here before. You're just thrown out the...

Like a certain villain did, you know? Cruella's like, I got this great... Oh, my God, what did you do? These have been inexpertly skinned. Cruella's like, hey, yeah, I'm making a coat, but what you're doing, you're like, no, Cruella didn't go far enough. She's wasteful. Yeah, you're going to use every bit of the dog.

Except the coat. You're just going to use the bones and the broth. You're going to put the dogs in cans or whatever and sell it on. To feasibly myself. For what? Well, you got 101. Well, probably like 202 cans of dog meat. Yeah.

Maybe 303. Oh, they are big cans. Okay. 303 cans of dog meat. Maybe 303. Oh, they are big cans. Okay, 303 cans of dog food. You're thinking just one fully grown Dalmatian will fit into three cans? I guess you can pack it. Because he's slurrying it. It's not just dog meat, it's herbs and oils and

stuff. Okay, so no, no, no, that's good because that's expensive now. And like, you know, stock or whatever. What are you doing? Who are you flavouring it for? Who operates it? What do you mean? Are you making a dog stock? Is it food for dogs or for people now? I put it in the back of my van

and I travel the country selling it at truck stops on the side of the road, county fairs. Dog slurry. Come get some. I don't call it dog slurry. I just call it slurry. Okay. Meat slurry? No, county fairs. Dog slurry, come get some. I don't call it dog slurry, I just call it slurry. Meat slurry? No, just slurry. Maybe I say it's got curative properties.

So it's for people, though. It's for whoever wants it. Yeah, by the intended audience. Like a snake oil scam. Yeah, except it's made of real dead dogs. Yeah. You try to trick people into eating dog meat. Well, I'm just selling it on.

What is your end goal? What do you want to happen when you sell it? To make money. 100 bucks a pop for the skeleton. Okay, I'm so sorry. 10 bucks a pop for the can, yeah. This is just for America. But on December 20th, 2018,

the Federal Dog and Cat Meat Trade Prohibition Act was signed to law. So it bans slaughtering dogs and cats for food in the US. The only one of us that's broken the law in the US. Is it illegal to eat dog meat in Australia? It can't be that illegal. It's got to be at least a bit legal, right? If not, well, I guess that's why I've just called it slurry.

Is eating cats or dogs legal? RACV. Yeah. The RSVCA. What's the answer? Come on. Guys, a lot of hinges on this. A lot of hinges.

South Australia is the only place that definitively prohibits the consumption of meat from a cat or a dog. The sale of cat and dog meat is illegal in every state. If you loophole this, you could be like, hey, here's my delicious slurry. Donate if you want. It costs me nothing. Okay, so we're in Victoria. Let's see what their law exactly says. I think in the end I'm going to come up better than both of you Yeah. So, yeah. Okay, so we're in Victoria. Let's see what their law exactly says. I think in the end I'm going to come up better than both of you financially.

Monster, sure. Yeah, maybe morally. Maybe I've got to go chat to your dog, Taro. Processing or selling, so it's still illegal. What if I'm not selling? I'm giving it away. You're still processing it. What if I do that elsewhere?

Where? I don't know. I guess I'm going to jail. I could not do it, but no, jail seems better. I guess I'm going to jail. I could not do it, but nah, jail seems better. Well, I assume I'm finding this out afterwards. As I've packed up my van and I'm ready to hit the road, you're like, we actually just did a

brief Google. You know you're going to jail for a long time? Killing cats and dogs, illegal. Processing or selling their meat, illegal. Eating it, not illegal. If you found a dead dog. What if I just eat it myself? Yeah, you can eat dog meat, but you have to have found the dog.

Okay. Dead. Well, I mean, this is footage. I mean, I'm assuming you could then be like, I don't know, officers, how did these 101 dogs become slurry? Okay. And then brand new plan.

You could claim that you ran into an imaginary version of yourself that gave you 101 cans of slurry. Okay. And then brand new plan. You could claim that you ran into an imaginary version of yourself that gave you 101 cans of slurry for you to slurp down. Yeah. Well, okay. What about new plan? Okay. If you're buying it from someone, then you're fine.

It will be me. I'm buying it from you. What about this? More humane plan. Wait till the dogs die of old age. Okay. Then turn them into a slurry. The dad of natural causes. Dog jerky.

Same thing. Sell the old bones, I guess. Okay, so you haven't killed the dogs. Well done. The other one is still a crime. Well done. You're still not quite a monster. 50%. No, 50% less

charges. Not even necessarily 50% less jail time. And you've done it on such a large scale, dude. Yeah. So, yeah, it's still 101 charges for eating a dog or selling a dog meat. But I thought eating a dog wasn't illegal. No, see, you can eat a dog. Well, great. You can't kill a dog.

Okay, yeah, I'll wait for them to die of old age. But you also can't sell. Well, okay, I just eat them regularly then. So if your dogs die of old age and then you slurry them and then you eat them, fine. Well, great, I'll do that then. Okay, perfect. That's your plan. Chetan's plan.

In 15 years, I'm going to eat 101 dogs. Over the course of many a night. Yeah, yeah, perfect. In 15 years, I'm going to eat 101 dogs. Over the course of many a night. What are the long-term effects of eating nothing but a dog? You go into your room and you start doing schematics for your ranch. You go into your room and start calling NASA. I go to my room, I flip over my calendar for 15 years in the future and circle a date. Sit down at my bed.

Now we play the waiting game. 101. What does it take? What does it do to the human body to eat 101 dogs? How do you come out of that? Well? No.

Can I feel eating a dog? Because it's a carnival. Yes. The damage would have been done by the time you're preparing it, I reckon. There's no difference between a man who has prepared 101 dogs to be consumed by him versus the same man that has finished consuming. I'm just, yeah. I just feel this is...

A bad plan by a monster. Yeah. I'm just trying to work out any negatives in terms of eating carnivores. Any negatives. Like, for your body, apart from you being morally reprehensible. Apart from my soul, yeah. What does it do to my body? Well, parasites, definitely.

What are the consequences on the human body? Of eating dog meat. Because you can do it. Some cultures do. It's like the difference between, say, a pig or a cow. What's the difference? You can have those philosophical arguments. I would be like, well, yeah, but one of them is an herbivore.

Oh, right. arguments, I would be like, well, yeah, but one of them is an herbivore. Yeah, oh, right, yeah, true. And so, you know, in times of need, of course, you know, you should probably, you know... But, like, 101... 101 anything is a lot to eat. So, yeah, let's see. I've probably eaten 101 cows in my life. Yeah, yeah, but not at once.

Not at once, no. Therein lies the difference. Therein lies the difference. Yeah. It just seems like he can't figure it out, so maybe I'm in the clear. It's quite a fat... Oh, this is bad. It's a fatty meat.

It's becoming mildly less appealing. Like... It's not... It's not not healthy, but it's... That in and of itself is shocking. Dusha's face looks but it's... That in and of itself is shocking. Dusha's face looks like somebody's...

It's because I thought that I would easily find someone who's like, don't do it for this reason. But history seems to be on the other side. Again, like, again, you look at it... I come out stronger than ever. A superman. We are looking at it through, like, a Western lens. A bowler maybe came from dog meat.

Okay, so I get a bowler. There we go. I come out and say, yeah, I ate 101 dogs. Look, we are looking at it. We are looking from a very Western lens, whereas it's like, you know, these are pets, and this will be careful. But, like, you know, again, you look at it from other perspectives,

and you're like, is it maybe not too bad? It's just a kind of burial in a way. I just feel I don't like it. Well, I guess the question would be, would you remain friends with me afterwards? No. Oh. And on that note, I've been Joe. I've been Jackson.

Don't eat your dog. I've been Joe. I've been Jackson. Don't eat your dog. I've been Joe. Oh, dear. Hi, my name is Levens, and I'm here to tell you all about HeyFam, the only podcast on the internet featuring two white men in their mid-30s talking about movies, music, TV, video games, and comic books. But HeyFam is about more than just pop culture. It's about friendship. Most of all, it's about the 2005 movie,

Son of the Mask. You can find HeyFam at sanspantsradio.com, Acast, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Don't you just love cross-promotion?