Plumbing the Death Star - What Would You Do With the Beach That Makes You Old?

Episode Date: January 22, 2023

Remember to slip on your comfortable jeans, slop up a big heaping bowl of spaghetti, slap down for sale sign to encourage potential wealthy investors, seek out the best antique forgers known to man and slide on down to the beach that makes you old as we try and nut out what to do with such a unique and naturally occurring phenomena. The boys keep sending good money after bad to make it good as they each put forward their own harebrained scheme to exploit the beach that makes things old. Jackson never once waivers from his antiquing scheme, Zammit in a huff tries to offload a depreciating asset and Duscher does his part for the environment. And of course if you could please like, comment and subscribe to Spaghettima Sins and don’t forget to hit that bell so you never miss an episode. Ding.Buy our terrible merch here and check out the Bad Brain Boys on Apple Podcasts at apple.co/badbrainboys. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're listening to the Sands Pants Network. Hey everyone, and welcome to another beautiful episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm your host, Joel. I'm your host, Jackson. I'm your host, Joel. And this is the podcast where we ask the important questions, such as today's topic, which is what would you do with the bitch that makes you old. Beautiful opening and intro.

I agree. I agree. I think it was really good. I personally loved it. What you guys are saying, I'm hearing it and I'm nodding. Because I agree. was really good. I agree. I personally loved it. Oh, yeah. I'm really, I'm eloquent and beautiful. What you guys are saying, I'm hearing it and I'm nodding because I agree. It was beautiful. So there's a beach that makes you relaxing, calming. Yeah.

If you played that to somebody who's about to shoot you with a gun, they would breathe in and be like, I apologize for my bad. Let's shoot the gun in the air. You know what? I'm going to delete all my calming apps. Headspace in the fucking bin. Don't need it. I just need Joel Dusha's beautiful introduction to this week's episode of Plot Minute.

Mental illness is cured. All of it. I just tried not, you know? Yeah, exactly. I just listened to Dusha and I was cured. Okay, so Beach that makes you old. M. Night Shalaman opus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Spoilers for the movie Olds, obviously. Yeah. Okay, so beach that makes you old. M. Night Shalaman Opus. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Spoilers for the movie Olds, obviously. Yeah. Because we're going to have to establish what happens in the movie before we can then alter it. Exploit it. Yeah. Exploit it, yeah. So in Dumb Movie, it's part of a beach resort that people go to. Perfect.

Any people that have a pre-existing medical condition are given a special tailor-made cocktail for like things they like. Okay. And then they drink it and then... So for example, I'm high.

I have the chronic condition dumb as fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't worry. Well... Here's a big bowl of spaghetti that's jammed full of anti-dumb fuck.

Undumb pills. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're gonna undumb your brain. I hoe down on that, and then I go to the relaxing resort. So what actually, close, sort of. Yeah, okay. Less spaghetti. Yeah.

Less spaghetti, and you are at the resort. So basically you pull up at the resort. Yeah. Hello. Can you take my bags? Oh my God, Joel Zaman. Yes. We've been waiting for you all day.

I got lost a lot. You have a terrible brain. That's right. Come in. No, don't say that because it's a secret because you don't know what's for your- He doesn't know he's got a terrible brain. Well, he might know he's got a terrible brain, but the resort- I definitely don't know.

The resort pretends they don't know. Oh, so it's just a resort. So Zaman just thinks he's gone to a resort. Yeah, he hasn't gone to a medical facility. Oh, I see. I want a trip to a resort somehow. Because... Thank God you've got a terrible brain.

They can't scam you so easy. Because if they knew it was a medical facility, then the twist would not be a twist. It's a great scam. Why does the people at this resort have lab coats on? And that one's got a clip on it. What do you call that long thing you couldn't eat? Shut up, guy. Eat the spaghetti. Okay. It'll make you well. and that one's got a good boy. What do you call that long thing you cook?

I eat the spaghetti. Okay. It'll make you well. So let's say you're given an espresso martini on arrival. You'd be like, oh, it's my favorite drink. You drink that, and then the next day, the same person will be like, you're a cherished guest. I'm going to tell you about a little secret beach. It's way less populated, and it's going to be great.

I hate other people. It about a little secret beach. It's way less populated, and it's going to be great to ease your mind. I hate other people. It's a good thing here. And then you get driven with other people down to this beach. Did you also get espresso and martini? I got a bottle of spaghetti. Other people will be like, I drank a mojito. Someone drank a Long Island iced tea. He got real fun, though.

I'm really hungover today. I can't wait to go to this beach I feel like shit I can't wait to salt the air Lie on the beach and lick my dry lips That's gonna be awesome I hope they have water there And a bed A bit of shade would be nice.

Yeah, that'd be good. Maybe I should have stayed in my room. I don't want to be at this beach. Yeah, we could have just ran. Anyway, so you all get there, and you're all a bit like, oh, I thought this was a bit to be a secret. And they're like, oh, it's only like 10 of you or whatever, so it's fine. It's just a big beach.

You get there. It starts making you old. I think you age a year and a minute. That's a lot. Oh, that's so quick. Oh, shit. Okay. Or maybe it's either a year and a minute or a year every five minutes.

It is a lot and quick. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. So in the film, they get there in the afternoon and they survive till morning. Oh, okay. But are they quite elderly come morning time?

Well, the children are like 50 and they're the ones who survive. Oh, okay. It must be... A year and an hour? Because I'm like, if you're aging a year and a minute... No, it's more than a year and an hour, but it's... A year and a minute is too...

In an hour, I'm like, ah, sick, I'm dead. Yeah. It's enough that this is probably the bleakest moment of the film and a big spoiler. Yeah, yeah. A character gives birth on the beach that makes you old, and when the baby gets laid down and then dies from, not abandonment, but the exposure?

Exposure? Dehydration? Or malnourishment or something like that but like immediately like okay okay so maybe how long do we have

it's gonna be important for our exploitation later yeah what how much the beach ages you find out on your machine yeah yeah I'll pull up my little machine

yeah a little tiny little baby machine for babies yeah yeah see if you can find out how quickly the beach makes you old yeah

it's like okay so the kids, they survive. But everybody else dies during the night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the kids are pretty young when they start. They're like five and six or something. Yeah, okay. So it can't be every minute. No, it can't be every minute or the kids wouldn't make it. Maybe like five. One year every 30 minutes.

Okay. Okay. So two years an hour. Alright, two years an hour. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that checks out. Yeah, because the kids are five and six and they end around 50. And the idea is that the resort is trying to see if these medications work on you. Basically the drinks that they've tailor-made for you are

actually to fight pre-existing conditions or diseases or things like that that they don't necessarily have a cure for. So like one of the characters has like Alzheimer's. Yeah. Another one has like a history of like tumors and stuff.

Someone's got horrible bones. She dies in a fucked up way. Yeah. Horrible bones? Yeah. The bones get real brittle but they're also healing so she ends up

in like a big becoming like a bald person. Oh no. As she walks her legs are breaking but then as she takes the next step they heal. They're healing. Yeah. They then as she takes the next step, they heal.

They heal at horrible, bad angles. Okay, I guess going back to one of the bleakest moments in this film. Yeah. Where the baby dies of malnourishment. So I guess you have to eat. Yeah, yeah. You've got to eat and it makes you old. But then the others, surely everyone's just dying in the first hour.

Yeah. How are you not? But then the others Surely everyone's just dying of like in the first hour Yeah How are you not There is a shitload of food there And they're all just going crazy with it the whole time They're hungry Okay Constantly hungry on the beach that makes you old Yeah

The beach that makes you hungry It is in fact also a beach that makes you hungry Okay yeah I just I don't know if I can eat Like quick at the right speed Yeah To not die

Yeah yeah yeah Not to pick some fucking holes into this Ding cinemas Ding ding I don't know if I can eat quick at the right speed to not die. Not to pick some fucking holes into this. Ding, cinema sin. Ding, ding, ding. Pull the fucking cord. We got one. Cinema sin. The beach makes you hungry.

It also makes you old. Ding, cinema sin. Ding, ding, ding. You can't eat. I'm not Shyamalan director of this film, yet he is in this film. Ding, should be sitting behind the camera. Ding, cinema sin. No such beach exists in real life. This is impossible. Everything wrong with the film. Ding, should be sitting behind the camera. Ding, CinemaSyn, no such beach exists in real life. This is impossible.

Everything wrong with the beach. Ding, CinemaSyn, bad bows wouldn't make you a ball woman. Ding, CinemaSyn, that's a lot of different drinks to make for everybody. Why not just give them one drink? Ding, CinemaSyn, this would be easier with spaghetti. Ding, no spaghetti. Ding, CinemaSyn, where will be easier with spaghetti. Ding, no spaghetti.

Ding, CinemaSins, where's the spaghetti in this movie? Ding, there's a resort, but there's a lack of spaghetti in this resort, so can you call a resort with no spaghetti? I don't know. Ding. CinemaSins, all the times old is missing spaghetti. In seven minutes, all us. Formula Death Star

have taken over CinemaSins. It's become very spaghetti heavy. Ding CinemaSins at no point in Avengers Endgame does Tony Stark eat a bowl of spaghetti.

Swarma? Spaghetti. Ding as you can see Iron Man's suit can obviously make him spaghetti but he's never he's feeding him spaghetti while he's flying around

New York. I don't understand. Ding. Spaghetti would have cured his PTSD but it clearly didn't eat spaghetti so he has never is feeding him spaghetti while he's flying around new york i don't understand ding spaghetti would have cured his ptsd but he clearly didn't eat spaghetti so he has it ding uh spaghetti sin spaghetti my sins okay so the beach makes you old oh yeah so basically they use it to trial medication everyone slowly dies horrific ways. Or fastly dies in horrific ways. Is it a field? As in like a zone?

It's like a cove. It's because of magnets in the cove or some shit. Yeah. That's also right. You can't leave because there's too much magnets and you get disorientated and walk back to the beach. Now, okay, this is important as well. Can we change the pace of aging, or is it stuck?

It's 30. Two years an hour. Yeah, and for some reason it's naturally occurring. They haven't just turned on a switch. Okay, that's fine. It's naturally occurring, yet we have magnets. No, no, no, it's magnetism. Okay.

All right. You do need some spaghetti to make you clever. I haven't set up big magnets. Magnets are going to nature all the time. I understand that, but a localized magnetic force. Yeah, makes you old. It makes you old. All into one cave.

Uh-huh. How do the, I guess, scientists... Ding, how do the scientists also get old? Ding, where do the scientists eat spaghetti? Is anyone clever? No one's eating spaghetti. I guess the scientists just maybe think. And then we start arguing with each other.

Ding. No, that's actually, you're wrong. He is eating spaghetti. Ding. Ding. Maybe he eats spaghetti and you just don't see it in the movie. Ding. Actually, if you just look at his lips, they're like a little bit hinted of red.

I think he's eating marinara sauce off screen. Ding. Why would they put spaghetti in the movie and not show it to us? That's why we come to the cinema to see. Ding. That's a good fucking point. I'm back on your side. Unsubscribe.

Spaghetti-mo-sins was a bad direction for cinema. It's also good because every time we talk, we press the ding button. We could probably just talk. We don't understand really what cinema sins is or what we're doing. Okay, here's my first

thought for the beach that makes you laugh. Antiques. Okay, here's my first thought for the Beach Mix you up. Antiques. Okay, so. I get a chair. Yep. Oh, wait. Before you get a chair. Oh, no.

He didn't eat his spaghetti. Before you get a chair. He's stupid as shit. Fuck. Yeah. Before you get a chair, what is the appeal of antiques? Well, that they're old. If you say that they're old, yes. But how do we usually tell something's old?

We carbon date it. Yep. I'm not carbon dating a chair. I'm like, oh, the style of the time. It's like a fake chair. I say, oh, this is a Chippendale chair. A really valuable chair that people always try and find. Okay. All right. So you're not putting like an office chair. I say, oh, this is a Chippendale chair. A really valuable chair that people always try and find. Okay.

All right. So you're not putting like an office chair. No, I'm not. It's an antique. And then they're like, this is from 2018. Yeah, but it'll be an antique. Yeah, it's 2018, but it's actually carbonated. It's from the 1940s.

No, it isn't. It's like 80 years old or some shit. I think the problem is, let's talk about how I started my... Say I've got a chair that is a replica of an antique chair that people spend a lot of money on, right? But I'm like, but if they carbon date it, they'll know it's a fake. So then my plan was to throw it in. Then it's on the other side of the magnetic field. Well, maybe I can attach a rope to it.

Throw it in, pull it out, the rope disintegrates. Well, you've got the same problem that the scientists have trying to study these people I guess I could observe the chair. Are you doing it through a telescope? How did that? Ding. How did? They stand on a cliff face and observe with a telescope.

That's so funny. Yeah. It's nice to be as clever as M. Night Shyamalan sometimes. But there is also an exit. So we can quickly run in and grab a chair. I mean, you will age. Well, I mean, you'll age, but I mean...

So I gotta do kind of a lot at once. But the way you get out is really easy to die, because you have to swim through coral. There's like an underwater tunnel. Maybe I'll just do it with my rope plan. Yeah, rope plan,

to be honest. Rope attached to a chair but I gotta make it young rope. I was like, how much does it affect, is it biological things? Is it like inanimate objects?

Is it everything? Oh yeah, does it actually work on chairs? Yeah. Do they show that? No, it ages everything. It ages everything?

Great, great, great, great. So like food and stuff like that rots like that. How are they eating so much? Ding. Where's the spaghetti? Where's the spaghetti? Where's the spaghetti at all? The old spaghetti.

Fucking hell. Yeah. So I make it a young rope. Tie the rope around the chair. Throw the chair in. Winch the chair out. Well, I guess you guys got to find the edge, right? Yeah.

I just find the entrance. So you edge the chair. Hope I don't slip in. Winch the chair out. Well, I guess you've just got to find the edge, right? Yeah, I just find the entrance. And so you edge the chair. Hope I don't slip in. Yeah. You've just got to push it past that edge. Yeah. So if it's like a hard line, you just put the chair there. You put your hands in.

You grab your hands. It's got a little bit old. That's fine. Yeah, well, that's why I got the rope. So I don't get old man hands. Your plan is to make a fake replica of an old style chair that's new, then aged so it's old, so therefore people can't tell it's a fake?

Yeah, then I sell it and people are like, how will people not be able to tell it's a fake in the same way that fakes it? It's been aged. It's aged up. You know that there is lots and lots and lots. Well, everything else I'll take care of. He'll take care of it. I'll get the signature or whatever, I'll get a master forger.

See, basically you are getting a master forger but we're using young wood. Yeah, we're using young cheap wood. No. No. Not the cheap part. Okay. We're spending top dollar, sparing no expense. We're buying a real antique.

We're making it even older. I mean, that's clever, too. Is it? Is it? Say we get a chair from the 1940s. Okay, have you ever seen an episode of Antiques Roadshow? Yeah. Ever.

I've seen a bunch. So you know how they'll assess something and they'll be like, oh, this marking here means this. Quite damaged. It's like it's been thrown into a beach. Wind damage, sand damage. This looks like it was dragged back across sand. This type of wood actually hasn't been used,

wasn't used prior to 2015. Yeah, you can see it's quite old. Well, that's weird because it's very old. So maybe it was and you don't know what you're talking about. But who are you selling it to? Whoever wants it. I'm selling it at an auction to rich guys. Question.

What, this old fucking chair? Hey! The auctioneer's like, typically we don't have the people selling the chairs. To advertise the chairs, sir? Don't you start! It's old! Salt, well, it's like sea air. Yes.

Is that good for wood? No. No, no, no. Because it's not really just aging it up, say, several years, an hour. It's aging it up several years and an hour whilst also being exposed to salt there. Well, how long would I have to have it there? I'm saying it's from the 1930s.

It's going to be there a while. It's getting a bit salt damaged and wind damaged and sun damaged, I suppose. I guess it's not getting wind, because you're not getting old wind. No, but it's in a cove where there is wind. Well, maybe I'll pick something else that's not a chair

then. Something that thrives on the beach. Like? Oh, crap. What antique thrives on the beach like a crab what antique thrives on the beach maybe pottery i guess you could make like no no no no no let's explore pottery and the rope idea so you throw a pot onto the beach put uh like put on a trolley i roll it buggy kind a trolley. I roll it, maybe. Like a beach buggy kind of trolley. Push it. Drag it back. Well, maybe I have one of you tie a rope around my waist.

Oh, no. I go in. Because then I can monitor them, too. Then I put my antiques down on a trolley. And once they're aged up, well, no, once they're there, I just tug on the rope for you to pull me back so I'm not there too long. And then I come back and then we wait, you know, like a couple of days.

I'm going to break your hip. I'm going to tug and your hip's gone. Well, how long does it take to put a bunch of pots on a beach? Let's say, okay, fair enough. Let's go hike an hour. An hour? Yeah, two years. Two years older.

I'm 33. Whatever. No big deal. You've taken off two years of your life to age pottery to sell for millions. I'm going to be making million dollar deals here, baby. What type of pots are you aging? I'm making them look like full antiques. What do you mean by full antiques?

I get a pot. Full. I get a pot full. I get a pot. I get top men to make the pot look like a piece of Roman pottery. How much money do you reckon that's going to cost you? Oh, it'll be expensive, but I'll make the money back. Sell it to a museum? Yeah.

No, I sell it to wealthy eccentrics, and then you throw me in. We leave the pots there for, let's say, a month, because we want to really age these pots up then we come back i collect them selling for a million maybe billions we don't know we do know and then i yeah i make i make a killing on the pot market but then you well what you've done let's say it works okay let's say you've aged enough that it's like you got all these pots uh from roman times yeah Yeah. Perfect replicas. Yeah.

Supply and demand. Yeah, yeah. You now have a lot of supply. Well, yeah, but once I've sold them, I'll move on to another antique. Tables. You're aging yourself up two years at a time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I reckon, I mean, like, how, I can do it till I'm 40.

I'll do it till I'm 40. That's fine. Yeah. I can use those years till I'm 40. I'll do it till I'm 40. That's fine. Yeah. I can use those years. I would exchange. That's five hours of pot inspection. Yeah. Well, I'm not inspecting.

I put the pots in there and then we come back and check. You know what I mean? That's five whacks. Well, it depends where that hard line is. Because if there's a quick like in and out, maybe it's like maybe five, like maybe five minutes. Yeah, exactly. Five minutes in.

Depends where the line is. Would you exchange two years for, say, $40 million? It's just so funny because I know this plan ends with you being exposed as a fraud and no one buying your parts. Eventually. Not eventually. Immediately. How? Yeah.

What do you mean how? How am I done in? How's he done in? How am I done in? Wait, where'd you find these pots? No, he got them made by people. Yeah, I know. Where'd you find these pots, sir?

Oh, are you the police asking me? No, I'm an eccentric billionaire who's about to buy these. Buying them at an auction. Don't talk to me. Well, what notes have you given the auction house? Where has it been found? I'd say I found them on a dig. What dig?

I was in, you know. I was in, you know. You, you. You know. And you did the dig? I get the same. I spend the money to make sure that it looks like that if it was it would be

almost legitimate like people would I'm losing my mind here do you think I spend the money so that if people will look

even if it wasn't old people might think it was genuine so what you do is you so forgery you've done all of the regular steps of forgery

yeah of course it's always been forgery and the only part that's different is that you've made them older which is something that people could

probably do if they were just making the pot different no you gotta do carbon dating which is a process by which you tell the age of something

which I've done with the beach that makes you old so what you're gonna do is you basically need to fund an archaeological dig site

yes because this is the ruse so you find the place that does have the archaeological dig you get people that are gonna dig there then you get the replicas. So you find the place that does have the archaeological dig. You get people that are going to dig there. Then you get the replicas made.

Then you age them up. Then you take them back. You bury them. They uncover them. Sell them for a billion dollars. Exactly. Richest man on earth. Let's find out.

Oldest man on earth. I'm making money hand over foot. I'm making money hand over foot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've also started some kind of like a private archaeological organization as a cover. So it seems, oh, this guy, he's just an antique dealer. Yeah, he's an antique discoverer. Oh, well, it just came into my collection. Oh, my goodness me, if it isn't a piece of statue from Mesopotamia or whatever the fuck.

And you could do some real fucked stuff because you could just, I don't know, for example get what they would be using, make a bronze statue of, say, Batman, age it up, and be like you would not believe what we have discovered. We're gonna fuck up history. Are you oribally? Legitimize whatever the fuck up history. Are you horribly?

Legitimize whatever the fuck I want. I'm in charge of the time stream now. Yeah. Well, sort of. You know what happened in time. No one can say different. How carbon dated is this? It's carbon dated, but also you're doing a dig site. How long are you carbon dating the item for? You don't know shit about

digging? Well, that's why I hire a guy, dude. Be like, oh, how old is this thing you've already found? Okay, I'll match it with my approximation of two hours every year. Exactly. I'm just the money man, dude. Four years of water. And the guy who found the beach that makes you old and goes to the beach that makes you old.

Yeah, we get the pottery out of the dig site. Because that's also got to seem legitimate. For everybody working the dig site, they don't know it's a scam. I say, well, let me take the pottery back to my laboratory before we...

Quick, everyone, back to my laboratory. No, I'm not taking them with me because now I'm going to go to the beach that makes you old. I load all the pottery in the back of my van

with my rope, my young rope. Then I drive down to the beach, tie the rope around myself. I will need one of you guys. I'm in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I bring Zammett.

He's getting a cut. You're suspicious of the whole deal. I'm cutting you out. He's got to hire someone that knows about carpentry. Yeah, exactly. They send me into the beach and makes me old. I age up two years. Who gives a fuck?

I'm rich. Take the pottery back out, load it back into the van, back to my laboratory. So your plan, hang on. Are you aging up already old pottery? No, that's a fake pottery! I dug up! He fucked up his own plan, yes. Because he buried the young pots,

then found the young pots that were still young, then said he was taking them back to his lab, and then aging them what, hundreds and thousands of years and hoping no one noticed the difference. No, you just age it up and then you bury it and they can dig it up. And at least they're fragile. We're doing a lot of it.

It's the archaeological find of the century. Well, then we do that. And I make a million dollars hand over for it. So your plan was to have Actual people doing a dig Find a brand new pot And hope that you could be like Whoa, gang I'll be back

No one date No one date this just yet I need to do some experiments Did I take it back? Wow, it's thousands of years old Yeah, look at that, what do you know? It didn't look like that before! I'm like, well, I don't know what you're talking about. I pay you a fucking wage.

You better shut the fuck up. You keep your mouth fucking shut! I'll kill you! What is the point of burying me? If everyone's on the payroll and it's all a scam, it's solely so there's records to dig up record you'll never dig in this town again you baseball badges they're threatening you break your fucking legs do you want that or do you want to get back to digging the fucking pit to find me more pots

you know the pots are there and i'm clearly clearly, I don't care, clearly, because I'm a... Damn right. What was your plan? So you just... Well, yeah, bury the old pots. Age them up, bury them. Let someone discover it. You own that plot of whatever. I literally do what thousands of people do already

and make fake artifacts or whatever. But you have legitimized it a bit. Yeah, I can now legitimize it by making the artifacts old. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Too easy, baby. There's a massive already black market.

Do you know there was a pottery barn in America? I know of it. It's kind of like a- Those are two words I've heard. Hardware, homeware store. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck. I do know this.

They imported a bunch of ancient- Oh, my God. Possibly Iraqi artifacts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All because of some bullshit. Was it something to do with Christianity? I have no idea what this story is, so please stop from the start. So basically, the people who run Pottery Barn,

or maybe just this branch of it, I don't know the specifics. Just uber Christian Catholic something. Big time, but also big time, hardcore weird conspiracy Christians who are are like we need stuff from the holy land or whatever and during the iraq war a lot of artifacts were looted from museums and they ended up at this pottery barn which already has a bunch of like fake pots and stuff and fake like at home wares and they just slipped in these massively ancient artifacts in amongst and there was like this massive raid done on them.

So they were just selling them? I think they were just having them as like evidence of cuckoo conspiracy theories. But they were paying top dollar to get them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So for a moment I thought that out of spite, they had just stolen all this stuff and were selling it as like $13 pot. No, but they were in amongst the $13 pot. So I assume you could have been like,

can I have this one? And they're like, no. I have the one next to it. I don't want the one next to it. I want this one. It looks rare and ancient. No, it's not for sale. That's the opposite of your plan. No, but there's a massive black market. I'm selling it to them, basically.

So sell the pottery barn. No. I sell artifacts which I claim are ancient artifacts from the Holy Land. This is Christ's toilet or whatever. You could do stuff like that. This is the Shroud of Turin. That's a thing we have already. Yeah, but this one's real, though.

Oh, that's true. Carbon date it. But the old one was. I found Moses' boat. Yeah, I found Moses' boat. You mean Noah? No. Oh, look at these lion bones.

Oh, these are the ones on Moses' ark. What? Carbon date them. Carbon date them bones. These are the ones on Moses' Ark. What? Carbondatum. Carbondatum bones. These are old, like centuries old bones, but this is a modern one. Yep. Yep.

Correct. That'll be a cool Billy thanking you. Going to the beach that made you old made me dumb, I guess. Anyway, I'm a billionaire now, so that's awesome. I was thinking what you could do with the beats that made you old. Didn't like the fact that we can't mess around with time. Also didn't like the fact that I also get lost if I go there. Because I was like, what do you need to make old?

And I'm like, I guess I could age my jeans so they're more comfortable. Puck them in and then just pull them out. Pull them with a young rope. Does that happen? Yeah. Well, don't you have to wear them? Then it's like, but then they've been like basically

jeans have been thrown on a beach for two years. Yeah. So I'm like, oh yeah, oh he's a stiff. He's as stiff as hell. If you found,

if you found. Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, He's as stiff as hell If you found Boys Boys on a whole crate of very stiff jeans If you found a pair of jeans at the beach That had been there only for three years Would you put them on? No They're pristine

I don't want these jeans These beach jeans That was my initial idea But also as you dragged them back They'd get nice and textured on the front They might disintegrate. So then I was like, okay, well, what if we somehow set up like a factory farm? Okay.

We had chickens laying eggs onto like a conveyor belt. As they laid the eggs, they've got to be fertilized, so we've got to get a rooster to fuck them. Okay, yeah, yeah. So they lay the eggs, and then they go on the conveyor belt. As they go on the conveyor belt, they hatch, and then they come out the other end as a full chicken that we then harvest for the delicious chicken meat. But I'm guessing they're not getting fed.

Because apparently that was also a thing. Yeah, your chickens just die. So now my factory farm idea is fucking just gone. Yeah, in the bin. Yeah, yeah, you can't do that. So then my last- Chickens live from three to seven years. Yeah, in the bin. So I'm like, shit. So then my last- Chickens live from three to seven years. Yeah, okay, great, go on.

We can debate about it. But it doesn't matter because they're all fucking malnourished. And then I thought, all right, okay, what else can we do? What if we did forced evolution? What if we got a bunch of people on there, let them just go haywire. They're breeding, they're popping out babies left, right, and center, but apparently they just die in like two minutes. So I don't know.

I don't know what to do. I get a big sign. I write for sale. I hammer it down, and I wait. You sell the beach. Prime real estate. Good views, I guess. Every real estate agent leading people to the beach to me. Prime real estate. Good views, I guess. Every real estate agent leading people to the beach just disappears, gets old, and dies.

Why can't I sell this beach to me? Oh, my God, it's a bunch of dead real estate agents. Maybe that's a good thing. Use it to kill real estate agents and maybe landlords that are looking to invest in a third or fourth property. Become a serial killer. Fabulous.

Kill the wealthy. A serial manslaughterist. Hey, what's that? Do you want to invest in a wealthy timeshare maybe? Why don't you come? It wasn't my intention to kill him. It was my intention to sell the beach that makes you old.

Because, like, hey, wealthy baby boomer, do you need a sixth property to really gouge us? Why, come down to this beachfront. It's where you've been developed. And how old are you, sir? Oh! 70. I would hang around for at least two hours. You've got to take the whole beach out. How long before it got tied? do you, sir? Oh! I would hang around for at least two hours. You gotta check

the whole beach out. How long before it got tied? I'll never grab lunch afterwards, yeah? Don't worry. I'll be back soon. How long before,

how long could you do this for before the authorities were called? I don't know where they went, authorities. Maybe go down and check in that beach. Yeah, they went down

to the beach. I haven't seen them since. It's the beach that makes cops old. I mean, what do I say? The beach is an awesome beach. Where's one of them cop-killing people? Ah, fuck. I don't know.

Go investigate it. But also if they're like, this man's been sending people to this beach, and this beach kills you. What is that? They'll just go investigate. They can't come out. Send more people. Is that manslaughter? If I send somebody into like a... Sir, put me in a

holding cell. I have nothing to do with this. You just go down to the beach. They're not returning. I don't know. I'll meet you at the beach. I'm here. I can't be doing anything. Yeah, I've got nothing to do with it. If you sent somebody into a jungle and then a lion ate them, what is that?

Is that my fault? Is it my fault? I know there's lions in the jungle. You know the lions will eat the person. There's a possibility. They are. The lions are hungry, I've heard. Is your intention for them just to go into the jungle,

see something and come back out, or is your intention for the lion to eat them? Are you a cop? Yeah, who's fucking asking? Well, if you're not a cop, then my intention is to kill them. I am killing them with a jungle that makes you dead. But if you're not a cop, then I just sent them into the jungle because it's lovely in there.

Yeah, it's a lovely place. After one person didn't return, why did you send the second person in? To find the's lovely in there. Yeah, it's a lovely place. After one person didn't return, why did you send the second person in? To find the first person. Yeah. I sent an expedition. And the third? Because the second guy

went missing too. And the fourth? Because it kept happening, dude. I mean, what are you expecting to do? Have you ever heard the expression sending good money after good? You gotta send good money after bad to make the bad money good, dude.

Gotta replace all that bad money with good money. It makes sense. Cut your losses. Don't know what that means. Don't understand. There's maybe something good in that jungle, though. That's why I said that. Yeah. Yeah, I think if I put that up to be like, hey, beachside property for sale,

only really wanting investors, but maybe you have to have maybe a... Investor's dream. Investor's dream, you know, make sure you have... Exp maybe a- Investor's dream. Investor's dream. Make sure you have- Expand your portfolio. Age up jeans. Make sure you have a third or fourth property already. This is for serious investors only.

Really get into that grind set or whatever. Yeah, just go check it out for a bit. Absolutely. Just investigate. They get lost. They can't escape. They're dead. Not my problem.

Not my fault. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you can get away with this for a good while. Yeah. How are they going to prove it? They go in there to investigate it. They get old. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you can get away with this for a good while. Yeah. How are they going to prove it? They go in there to investigate it. They get old because they get stuck there. I'm fine.

I guess eventually. If they push me in. If they are like, well, we're going down and you're coming with me. If they're like, sir, could you lead us to where they went? No. They just went down that path. Could you lead us? It seems like it's a big beach.

Could you show us where specifically? No, I can't. I don't know because I wasn't there. I seems like it's a big beach. Could you show us where specifically? I don't know because I wasn't there. I'm allergic to beaches, I say. That's why I'm trying to sell it. Exactly. I don't like the sand. Look, you look like a film connoisseur.

Okay. You know Star War? A little film you might have seen. You know how Anakin, he hates sand? Think of me like that. It's coarse and it gets everywhere. See, I hate it. I'm wearing jeans. And they're not great for beaches.

So those jeans look very stiff. Those jeans look like they've been on a beach for about three years. Yeah, yeah. See why I hate the beach? It gets everywhere. So you went to the beach to get the jeans? No, no. These were off.

I got these off a guy. Off a guy. Who was leaving the beach. you went to the beach to get the jeans? No, no. These were off. I got these off a guy. Off a guy. Who was leaving the beach. He's leaving the beach. He said he didn't want his jeans anymore. Yeah. So they're mine now. So he'd had the jeans at the beach for three years.

Anyways. Check out the bodies. Just go down that path to the left. Yeah. I left something in my car. In my keys or something. I'll be there soon. Let me chat. Let me chat. Actually, yeah, yeah. I left something in my car, in my keys or something. I'll be there soon. Let me chat, let me chat, let me chat.

Actually, I will meet you there. I wonder if there's some way you could do a thing where you're like, same plan, but you make a profit out of it, where you're like, to enter the beach,

it's magnetic in some way, so all of your metal or like the beach is going to, leave your bags here, basically. Leave your bags here or sign away the rights to your previous property. I'll show you a cool beach for $100. How much would you pay to see a cool beach?

Okay, yeah, it's an investment property. Five bucks, maybe ten. It's an investment property. What we're going to do here is you're going to come on down, but you have to pay $1,000 entry. Oh, okay. Maybe you're serious. Yeah, but you have to pay $1,000 entry. Oh, okay. You're serious. Yeah, all right.

I get $1,000. They go to the beach that's old. They die. You get $1,000. People are like, this man's gone missing. What was his last transaction? $1,000 to Joel Zahman. To Joel Zahman, the man who lives by that beach but never goes to it.

A man that had never met Joel Zahman. He wanted to invest in this beach. He went to the beach. Joel Zabit. He wanted to invest in this beach. He went to the beach. I don't know. He went to the beach. I don't know. I don't know where he is.

I haven't had a chance to go looking for him but feel free. I don't know if you know but that's a lucrative business deal for me. It's $1,000 and I'm waiting

for an extra like you know a hundred grand more or whatever. I don't know. It's a pretty cheap beach. Pretty cheap beach. If you want to have a look

at it maybe pay me. You can find it for me because he signed a contract maybe. And then they go to the beach. And they die. They die. Yeah. You can just kind of keep because he signed a contract maybe. And then they go to the beach. And they die. They die.

Yeah. You can just kind of keep doing this. It feels like eventually someone will get suspicious. But again, I don't know. What are they going to do? To be fair, sending people to the beach to die is what happens in the movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'll just keep sending people to the beach.

They go to the beach. They die. I'm off scot-free. I'm fine. I would like to explore your $5 to see a cool beach. What do you use of the beach? No, no, no. This is not your plan, but how much would you pay to see a cool beach?

Somebody's like, I'll show you a cool beach. Obviously, if somebody tells me, I'll show you a cool beach, but it'll cost you $5. I'm like, this man is about to kill me. No, I'd be like, this man's about to take my $5. No beach can be cool enough I need to pay to see it. What's so cool about the beach?

He's like, I can't tell you. You're just going to come see the beach. But if this beach is going to blow your fucking mind, $5. Nah, I'm good. But then I would on my deathbed regret never paying $5. If you go to like a tourist hut thing that's near, like, say near a pier. Yeah. And there's like $20 tour to, I'm sure, a secluded cool beach.

Okay, if it's at a tourist time, it's different. And it says tour. Yeah. You got me. But then if it's just me and the guy gives me a map. Not just a guy being like. I'll show you a cool beach. If a guy's like, I'll show you a cool beach for $10,

I'm like, this man will suck me off. That's what's about to happen. I'm being solicited. That's what I think is going on. Yeah, all noted. I think the higher you go, the more chances you have of. Of grabbing someone. Of grabbing someone.

So if they're like, I'll show you a cool beach. If it's like five bucks for a beach, you're like, I'm getting scammed. But they're like, I can show you a really cool secluded area beach. $1,000. $1,000? Sir, I'll be okay. Okay, no worries. I've seen a fucking beach.

There's nowhere to beach. And water, couple of rocks. What beach is worth $1,000? Does the beach suck me off? You know what? You'll never know. Don't worry. I'm clear. Have a good day, sir.? Yeah, yeah. Does the beach suck me off? You know what? You'll never know. Don't worry. I'm clearly... Have a good day, sir.

And then go to the next mark. Yeah. I don't need you. I need someone who's going to spend a thousand bucks. Why? Get ten people that...

No, twenty people to spend fifty. You think there's someone... That's more people that are going to die and go missing. Oh, it's the beach that makes you old.

Oh, it's still the beach that makes you old. Oh, it's still at the beach that makes you old. Or is this a regular beach? Wait, hang on. I thought this was a regular beach. But then you seemed confused that it was the beach. Were you just kidding? Okay, you're just a serial killer. Okay, awesome.

We were just trying to figure out what the price range is to see an actual cool beach. For me, zero. No money. No money to see. I reckon I'm with you, dude. I reckon I'd pay ten bucks see an actual cool beach. For me, zero. No money. No money to see. I reckon I'd pay ten bucks to see a cool beach. See, ten bucks, I'm like, sus. I'm either getting scammed by the locals, which is understandable,

or I'm about to get sucked off, or a rock in the back of my head. I like those odds. The idea of paying someone ten dollars and then they hit you with a rock is so funny. Yeah, it's $10. You go, oh, what's that over there? And they get brain and they take my wallet and I'm like, you fucking idiot.

I carry cash and then I die. I leave $10 in my wallet for this exact situation. They're like, you fucking idiot. PayPass works or whatever. You're dead so you can't cancel your credit card. Yeah. Alright, what about you, Dusha? Well, I had a lot of

very bad ideas because i kept thinking that it worked even though i've seen the movie you know how it works every time i was trying to think of an idea i realized my brain was doing it in reverse so i was like send scientists there they get a lot of great ideas no they're going too quick they'll just die but they'll have great ideas and be like, let me out! So when you go in there, it's like you experience, what do you mean? So my brain, what I was doing was like, I guess it was

the beach that makes you not old. Oh, the beach that makes you young? No, no, the beach... It doesn't work. My brain was just like, oh, time goes real quick, so like, they'll think of quicker ideas. Yeah, but that's not what happens. So I was like, oh, time goes real quick. So they'll think of quicker ideas. They'll think faster. Yeah, but that's not what happens.

They think older. They age and they need to eat. And that's it. Everything else is still the same. Yeah. So it is very tricky. Yeah, I know. It's hard, dude.

We've gone through some tricky ones. We're selling chairs and pots. We're selling chairs and pots and making millions. Killing real estate agents. And the jeans idea, which I think has legs. Selling wet jeans by the beach. Well, is there anything? Like, I'm seriously shit out of ideas.

Yeah. Because I was laughing too much about the fact that Zammett's original pitch for this was what happens in the movie. Give people medicine and make them old and see if it works. Yeah, yeah, yeah. M. Night Shyamalan thought of the same thing. Yeah, well, what do you need to make old?

Yeah, because really, it's like, and not just that, it's like, what do you need to make old but then also look at? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do I want to see old

but then look at? Maybe stuff that we, time lapse videos? Throw a dead fox in there, watch it rot in real time? Yeah, throw a bunch of stuff and then set up a camera oh

fake time lapse videos that's easy yeah set up a camera put them on YouTube bada bing bada boom bada bing bada boom get the

get those cool billies get that ad revenue what would usually take years to film by doing an hour what are you putting in there for the time lapse

uh a hot dog how long do you think it takes a hot dog to rot? That's a great question. Now we'll find out. Now we'll know. Duja was predicting years.

It could be. It's processed. Yeah, that's true. Do hot dogs rot? We'll find out. You'll have to subscribe to my YouTube channel. Because when things rot, you get the maggots and stuff coming out of that. But we're not getting that in the beach that makes it old.

The maggots will be too. Yeah,, but we're not getting that in the beach that makes you old. The maggots will be too... Split second. What the fuck happens to the... Are the rocks aging on the beach that makes you old? Yeah, I guess. Huh. Ding. Rocks should be spaghetti.

Rocks should have beards. They're old enough now. Rocks can vote. Okay, come on Bing I'm with her I guess you could yeah Throw in like All kinds of food Yeah that's true

Watch it rock Watch it go Yeah deer A dog I hate Throw in him Watch a dog get old Yeah awesome This YouTube channel's

Fucked up Dead fox And sell it to the people that did True Blood Yeah Like we have this We don't make that What are you talking about We don't make First off we don't make that

And also we already have it Yeah What do you need this for A DVD Whatever sort of DVD that gets old Well vinyl I was gonna say Garbage

Garbage Garbage Garbage disposal Oh my god Garbage disposal Fuck Garbage disposal! Fuck, that's genius. Just dump all the plastics that take millions of years to break down.

Oh, fixed. Yeah, exactly. Broke down like that in a fucking heartbeat. Get the elephant's foot, dump it in there. Yeah, get an elephant. What are we talking about? The elephant's foot in Chernobyl. You know, that highly radioactive piece.

Chuck that in. Raffus, throw that in. I'm not going to take it there. That's going to be hard. Oh, what about nuclear testing at the beach that makes you old? Because the radiation would probably die faster. Yes. I mean, a bit quicker.

But the scale we're talking with radiation is pretty intense. So you can drop a nuke on the beach that makes you old, but you're just going to make the crater that makes you old. I'd also be just concerned about dropping a... What if you expand the... Yeah, the range of the beach that makes you old. What if you make the earth that makes you old? Oh, no.

Yeah. The half-life of uranium is 4.5 billion years. How long is that on the beach? It's a long time But it'll be less long In the long run How many zeros is billions? Speaking of the wrong people

It's a million seven I think isn't it like a A billion billion? A million million? Yeah maybe The difference between a million and a billion is a lot It's quite significant, yeah. People are like, oh, yeah, you're changing it into a big company.

Oh, it's heaps. It's heaps. It's like the difference between like a million seconds and a billion seconds. Like, oh, yeah, you've got like, you know, a couple days to like, oh, yeah, a hundred years. Yeah. So, yeah. Look, I don't think dropping a duke on the beach makes you want to climb up.

But disposing of garbage. Yeah, that's smart. Yeah. Because, well, so when – Because dropping a duke on the beach makes you want to climb up. But disposing of garbage. Yeah, that's smart. Yeah. Because, well, so when... Everything will just, like, disintegrate, right? And putrefy and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then it just kind of keeps going.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. To the point where it just becomes, it just breaks down into atoms. Yeah, I guess so. Well, then is that going to go into the water and wash out the sea? But then it's not, it's, what is it then? It's like, it's so insignificant. Yeah, yeah, it's broke down. I feel like... Yeah. Yeah, Dush not, it's what is it then? It's like, it's so insignificant. Yeah, yeah, it's broke down.

I feel like, yeah, yeah, Dushu, you've done the math. I'm just trying to figure it out. But also, it's like 900,000 years

or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's probably not worth doing. Yeah, dropping a nuke's not worth it. Yeah, I'm sorry, dude. It might be cool. Yeah.

If I put it in the garbage there, clever. Yeah, real smart. Get rid of all our, like, landfill. Our microplastics, or just our plastics and stuff. Yeah. Yeah, and send Garbage Island to the beach that makes you old.

Yeah, yeah. Because, yeah, sure, microplastics. What happens when they get old? Yeah, exactly. We'll find out. It might take a long time, too, but, again, significantly shorter. It's already out there anyway, so might as well be at the beach that makes you old. Might as well speed it up.

I'm not doing shit. Yeah, exactly. there anyway, so might as well be at the beach to make sure. I'm not doing shit. I'm airdropping garbage or whatever, or sending trucks of garbage in that don't come back out. She's getting the garbage truck drivers to ghost ride the trucks and drive it and jump.

They roll out long, get wrong, get old legs. That's a risk. That's why you gotta pay them top dollar. The only problem, I guess, with that is that you only have a beach's worth of space. It's a very big beach. Okay.

And also, again, once it starts disintegrating. Yeah, but that might take a long time. Plus you can pile up the garbage. Yeah, that's true. You can go up as high as you like. Not as high as you like, but you can go up pretty high. As high as you like. I wouldn't go higher than the cliff faces because that's probably where the magnetic...

Yeah, that's true. But then it'll keep... As it disintegrates underneath, it drops down. Yeah. What would happen to sand that has been there as garbage as I've rode it over it for thousands of years? Well, what's happening to the current sand?

Why isn't that getting real old? Well, yeah, I don't know why the sand on the beach that makes you old is an old sand. It probably is an old sand, I guess. We don't know the difference between old sand and young sand. What does old sand look like? Ding. Why isn't it also spaghetti? Yeah, exactly.

That's the question we're all asking. That's what I'm thinking. This is the cinema sins that we're bringing up. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's a good idea. Dump a whole bunch of garbage. That's smart. Fix it.

Just fix the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're kind of a good man. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's what people Fix it. Just fix the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're kind of a good man. You know what I mean? That's what people will say about you. Not about me and Zahmet. Zahmet, no one knows what happened because he just killed people and never faced consequences.

And I'm the richest man in the world. What if I convince the world politicians to hold a summit there? See what happens. Okay. Everybody dies. All the global power's gone. All the global powers have gone. And so when that's gone, the vice president...

You've got now a power vacuum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was your goal? See what happens? Okay, well, they'd get old. They'd get old and die. And then you'd have, I guess, the vice presidents. They would jump in. This is similar to my Superman plan.

It's what we tend to go toward. Yeah, interesting, interesting. But yeah, garbage is definitely the best. Yeah, I think that's the solution, mate. Fix that, fix that. So there you go. M. Night, if you want to make a sequel, make it about a guy that makes fake antiques

or kills real estate agents or disposes of garbage or ages up jeans your choice your choice old two jeans yeah that's the movie

you should make and on that note I've been Joel I've been Jackson I've also been Joel and this has been another episode of Plumbing the Death Star

I guess yeah that's a new thing I'm throwing in. A pleasant ending to a pleasant episode. A beautiful episode. Yeah. Really beautiful, calming, relaxing.

Stay old. Yeah. Stay old.