Plumbing the Death Star - What Would You Yesterday? (Ft. Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall)

Episode Date: August 4, 2019

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Sans Pants Radio, a cowboy's worst nightmare. campaign where we get to push D&D face first in the mud and then take its lunch money. Part 1 starts August 11th for us, but August 10th for the rest of the world. To find out the exact times and dates, head on over to our Twitter, at Sandspans Radio, or at D&D's for Nerds for more information. G'day mates.

This is Plumbing the Death Star where we ask all the important questions like, what would you yesterday? Welcome to the show, ATB. Welcome to the show, all of you. Thank you so much for having us, Alistair. That's the danger of letting the guests introduce us that we've given them. ATB is Alistair Trombley-Burchell.

We went through all this rigmarole. We got to make sure that we introduce people properly. Because people get mad at us or like we had everyone has heard guest episodes of plumbing the death throw for listening to this or this is the first one welcome anyway the start of an episode when we had a guest we weren't introducing at the start they wouldn't talk and we're like no no no no we just don't say our names at first which is bad but we just just go with. We cooked it years ago. And we're committed to cooking it. Flash Gordon! Good choice.

So we've all forgotten Flash... You get hit by a boss. Yeah, hit by a boss. We should probably explain the parameters of what the hell today's topic is. Oh yeah, so Danny Boyle's new film, famously titled Yesterday, gets hit by main character...

Someone runs over the DVD Someone writes a, and as they're crossing the road, it drops to the floor, a bus hits it. Is that what happens? No, okay. There's a musician fella in this film. He's like, I'm a failing musician. Then there's a worldwide power outage. Classic.

During that, he gets hit by a bus. He wakes up in hospital, and it turns out now the Beatles have never existed. Okay, so who knew that the Beatles' mortal enemy was electricity? Yes. Or lack of electricity. There's two beats in the film that I guess we'll have to cover, which is that he meets someone else that remembers the Beatles, and he meets John Lennon, who hasn't written the Beatles songs,

but he's like, wow, I probably could have had that potential. That's hilarious that John Lennon's like, yeah, I could have done that, but I didn't. Speaking of, does the music fella get John Lennon in this? No. Bullshit. Also, the end of the film, spoilers, I guess,

if you care for some fucktry scene. We don't. No one does. I know. They don't reverse it. The movie ends and the Beatles still don't exist. That's great. Also, Harry Potter doesn't exist as a consequence for some reason.

All right. So, Flash Gordon. Yeah. Okay, you wake up. How long till you realise? I'm going to go to my deathbed. Nothing changes. I think it's not just about I want to make Flash Gordon.

I just want to see that world where something that influential in pop culture doesn't exist. Wait, can I go further back? Gilgamesh, the poem of. One of the basis for stories That we have Doesn't exist Does that predate Beowulf?

Are you going to go back To the first story we have? The bible doesn't exist There's stuff that predates that bullshit Homer's Odyssey What is the first piece Of literature? Is it Beowulf?

Beowulf Beowulf? Is it Beowulf? Beowulf. Beowulf. Beowulf. Beowulf. Beowulf. Beowulf. Yeah.

That or Gilgamesh. I don't know. I'm not sure. Hey. Yeah. If you want to go even further back, hands don't exist. Yeah. Fuck that.

You can draw with like whatever, like little tiny nubbin you'll have. Eyes, JD. Fuck them off. Well, no, because the first fiction would have been a word of mouth. You're right. No tongues. But still mouths? Yes.

So you just can't use T's and like T-H's? Fuck, you're right. You need to have literally nothing. Just a tiny hole for nuts. What made humanity vocalize? Fuck, you're right. You need to have literally nothing, just a tiny hole for nuts. What made humanity vocalise? What was the accident? Well, we started talking. Well, presumably we just needed to communicate, but we started talking and our bodies made the decision between,

because we started talking, we can now choke on shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you want a world where instead of making the decision to talk our ape ancestors were like actually I'd rather not choke big bananas

big bananas and so we communicate exclusively through mime through mime and a lot of deep throat how do you realise also you just wake up

in a hospital and you turn around and you're like and you're like I am in're like, I am in hell. The moment I start talking, I'm the odd one. Deep throaty whatever's in there. I'm like, something's wrong. So because yesterday says that obviously this influences other things,

so in a world where Flash Gordon doesn't exist, then nothing that influence does. But in this, okay. First of all, my first thought is it means the movie Deep Flash Gordon doesn't exist and nothing that influence does but in this okay so first of all my first thought is it means the movie Deep Throat doesn't exist

because that isn't impressive anymore no oh no yeah I know oh my god shit lots to be done

which means that sexploitation boom never happened okay I feel like we need to the mob made far less money far could the mob

ever mobilize? Without language. Wait, that means that then there's no organized crime. It's all just unorganized crime. It's chaos. It's a world in which there's only petty crimes. Sort of smoking outside of hospitals and jaywalking. General void array.

ATB, think bigger. There's smoking inside hospitals. But do you wake up even in a hospital or do you just wake up in a savannah somewhere I can only assume

some kind of savannah because if we're not choking we wouldn't have I guess if we're not choking we can eat so many long things yeah

would we have cared so much about like food in terms of like taste? Or would it just be as much as we could cram in our gullet? I mean, there's a possibility that you, I mean, I feel like I've talked about this with someone once before, but you could just keep eating. Yeah. And then things could just keep going down your intestine. And then you could just be constantly shitting.

You wake up in hell. Yeah. So you just have a trail Of food going in and coming out At all times I feel that I might wake up In a situation where it is Planet of the Apes-esque Because humanity might have died

No, no, no I think it makes more sense That you're actually just following Somebody else's shit trail And you're eating that And then else's shit trail and you're eating that. And then that's how we all follow each other. Like, you know, like ants communicate via pheromones and they're just going to leave. And that's how we follow each other.

Kind of terrible, protracted human sentiment. So instead of that, we've chosen to speak and like and choke. Now we just choke. And the way we communicate is like how ants do, just vomit into each other's mouths so we get those pheromones. So you wake up as someone vomits to apply to you that you were okay after the bus

crash. Buses still exist. To find out, there's no flash score. Okay, so... Yeah, just like trying to be like... And they're like... I'm like, why are you doing this?

And they look at me like eyes wide, mouth agape, vomiting. Because they're so shocked. Can you talk or just vomit? Well, in Yesterday yesterday he can remember he remembers the beatles songs and can play them so i can talk yeah i can't vomit on command i can't communicate with these people this is the worst this is like the worst philip k dick sci-fi novel ever like you get to the end of it you're like what was he trying to say is this about communication i don't understand what uh so are you going to the end of it and you're like, what was he trying to say? Is this about communication? I don't understand. What?

So are you going to do anything about it or just die? Well, if we go back to early man. Yeah, sure. How would they have hunted? Well, they hunted. They didn't hunt with their voices. No, no, no. Oi, animal, die.

No. No, you fucking idiot. Hey, mate, we're going to go hunt this gazelle. If you go around the side, I'll go around the other side and we'll pin it down together. I need food. They would just make noises at each other. Grunts. Then they'd figure it out. Which you can still do. Chimps still kind of seem to work

it out somehow. It's a lot of like we're all kind of getting a bit agitated or a bit hungry like that. Let's just go and find that spider monkey and tear it apart. I agree. I'm with you. I'm just saying in terms of communication, in terms of hunting and all that kind of stuff. But you. I agree. I'm with you. I'm just saying in terms of communication, in terms of hunting and all that kind of stuff. But you can still communicate.

I just don't think we would have been as sophisticated as we are currently. I had not realized that chimps have such meth energy until just then. Yeah. They're just like. They're always scratching themselves. Yeah.

They've got too many bugs in them. They need to get out. So are you implying that humanity, because we now vomit into each other, are not hunting the same? I would assume a lot of decisions down the line would be drastically different. Would wars exist?

Hard to say. They'd be worse. Somehow. So maybe we wouldn't hunt the normal way. We'd probably just do that, you know, dig a hole, sort of like Team Rocket would or something like that, so that people put the leaves and the branches over the top. Animals fall into it.

Then you vomit into the thing to drown it. So, you know, as a team, you're all kind of... It drowns and then you sort of... Fish it out. Yeah, fish it out. It was nice to give our core audience just a little reference to hold on to while they just listen to people drowning in vomit. Oh, they're like, oh, Team Rocket, I'll keep listening

even though I'm very unwell already. So you can't change it. So like the beauty of the yesterday fella is that he can play the music of the Beatles. That he remembers. Do I get to meet that like first chimp who decided that, nah, joking sucks. So you're going to meet

someone else that remembers when everyone else had language. Just another person distraught trying to like swat off these humans

that are vomiting at them. So then at least you'll be able to have I hate this. I hate this. You'll be able to have a conversation at last. That'd be nice.

You got another person in this. I'm assuming we conversation at night. That'd be nice. You get another person in this. I'm assuming we fall in love. Yeah, we have to. 100%. Good, good, good. Or you'll argue all the time. Look, much the same. Am I right, fellas?

I think so. And then you meet, but you can't meet the first person to start talking. Because that was the thing. Maybe you just see some bones and you're like, oh, yeah. Because it would have happened so long ago. Maybe this particular race of humanity somehow developed resurrection. Yeah, or you kind of because society hasn't moved on

from those ancient times, you kind of still live in this ancient time and you meet sort of a direct descendant of the first movie. I thought you were going to say we live in such an ancient time that no one's learned to die yet. This was pre, I mean, there would have been at some point, you know, an evolutionary thing

where it was like, oh, maybe what if we don't die? And then those people probably, I don't know, would you? Look, you know what, I agree with you, right? So we don't choke, we don't die. That's the kind of evolutional trait we went i mean we were like you know what fuck talking and choking's a bad thing and everyone doesn't die this is amazing everyone's old and i'm vomiting in my mouth and i'm scared there might have been some society eons ago that didn't die and that was a huge that was a huge problem because they they ran out of food

yeah and so and so then the only way to stop this civilization was to decapitate each other and that because you can't die but you can just be in pieces sort of you know collecting dust and so then then then those that that bloodline ended and then those who die sort of flourished. Yeah, I think that makes sense. It was a trade-off. Exactly. Exactly. You know, you can choke on a chicken bone or not die. One of those kind of situations.

Okay, well. You've changed Earth, definitely. Yeah. But you remembering that you can talk Hasn't really benefited you at all No Because your physiology is still different Yeah I've got vocal flaps or whatever

And they've got like a vomit sack Yeah Your life is still hell And then you die in a pit somewhere Being vomited on I guess I'd be seen as some kind of mutation I might get dissected for science Yeah

Vomit science. If they have science. I think the best way to judge all of our choices is whether or not it would have been better if the boss just killed you. Definitely. Oh, God, it'll happen. Give me that sweet release of boss.

This definitely would be better off if the bus killed you. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. So with that incredibly high bar, anyone else? Okay. Mine is also physiological, but not quite as horrible. I'd like to get hit by a bus and wake up in a world

where no one has figured out jumping yet. But I know how to jump. So people are capable of jumping. I'm like Sam at the hell. Can people hop? No, people are like, I can walk, that's it. And then I stand up in the hospital, bow my legs, bend my legs

slightly, and do a little hop. Alright, question again. Just how I would never have gone through my life not realising Flash Gordon had never existed. Jumping and yourself. I love jumping. I jumped this morning at the station.

I did a little hop. I have so many more questions than I thought I was going to have. Well, think about it. You wake up. What do you watch first? Parkour videos. And then suddenly you wake up after being hit by this bus. You wake up in hospital. You go to your YouTube, you know, and you type in parkour,

and there are no French free runners. What? Did you mean Parklife, the blur song? I'm like, no. I don't think so. But I'll watch it anyway. It's great to imagine parkour with no jumping, where they, like, run along a ledge and then hop down.

Crawl alongside, like, a metal post and then reach over to a wall. There's like one where there's a bigger gap that they need to jump and it's just them running to the edge and being like, can't be done. They run to the edge and then turn around and run. Parkour is less cool. Hey, what I like now is that

basketball hoops have to be way lower. Well, not necessarily. You can just throw it. I guess it's just no slam dunks anymore. Yeah, no dunking's out. Basketball without dunking. There's just something about it. Dunking's out.

No. What about other animals that jump? Do kangaroos exist? No, kangaroos just walk. It's okay. So you've just ruined dunkaroos. Just saying. They're called walkaroos now. Oh, my God, dunkaroos.

That involves dunking and kangaroos. Kangaroos still walk. Sports that are out. High jump. Long jump. Well, hurdles could still exist. You just run into it. It's an endurance

To see how many hurdles you can hit And not stop It tests your running abilities But also your pain tolerance I guess high jump could just be High step over Long step over What's the biggest step you can take

I feel like the high jump doesn't exist But I reckon long jump still would Long step How far can you stretch? How about my leg width? High vaulting thingy, what do you call it? Pole vaulting You just slam the pole into the ground and stop

And the pole falls How deep inside do you go? Climbing exists Climbing exists And falling I guess exists as well I I mean long jump you could sort of picture that as you run and then when you get to the line you have to just stop as abruptly as you can so when you like say when you're falling yeah and as a way to kind of brace the impact so you don't hurt yourself, you kind of like fall with it,

so you kind of like bend your legs. That out? No, that's out. Just straight legs. It's too involved in jumping. Everybody slaps their knees when they fall. Super Mario Brothers is unbeatable. Oh, yeah.

Why is this not a sign? What happened to Jumpman? What happened to Jumpman? He was called Walkman. Or just man. We would have bet the Walk Man! The Walkman exists! Got sued by Nintendo. So many ramifications.

So wait, so Mario Brothers, Mario 1 would open, you walk to that first green pipe, and then the game is over for you. Not even that. Of course! You're thinking Donkey Kongong yeah oh yeah think about donkey kong i know there's ladders in that yeah but those barrels but yeah that first barrel

can you can you avoid it by being on the ladder or can you go uh you could probably i think you can beat donkey kong with no jumping no you absolutely can't beat it you might be able to beat the first level yeah the whole game the whole game. All those original games often make you do a jump straight off the bat because it's meant to be like, this is how you play the game. Old video games are like, we force you to do a thing. I like that they've still kept the level design

as if jumping were real. Maybe they'll replace jumping with crawling. So Mario will run and then crawl under something. Under the barrel. And you have to crawl underneath the Goomba and stand up to kill it. Or they could give Mario

judo skills. So he could pick up the Goomba and use its energy against itself. Self-defense brothers. Ah, judo man. Bend the pipe. When you're picking someone up and it's so

close to jumping. Yeah, nobody's figured out they're just not quite grasped that they could do this alone. Does everyone freak out when their feet aren't touching the ground? Oh no, they're used to that. They just don't know they can do it themselves. What about running upstairs? Because if you're running upstairs, there's a point where both of your feet aren't on the ground

and it is kind of a jump. No one's figured that out. People are slow upstairs. They have to do one step at a time. You always have to have one foot on the ground. One foot's always on the ground. It's like speed walking. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's kind of like prison in Con Air. No, in Face Off, the magnetic locks. Feet always on the ground. Everyone kind of has that going on. ACB, that's a great point, because in speed walking, the rule is one foot on the ground at all times, because in normal running, that always on the ground. Everyone kind of has that going on. ACB, that's a great point, because in speedwalking the rule is one foot on the ground at all times, because in normal running that isn't the case. Which means that normal running is just speedwalking.

People can't run anymore. How great does that make hurdles sound? You just speedwalk towards a hurdle and slam it. You could set a barrel roll by just, like, leaning your back on it. Everything is about going under and digging. Oh, yeah.

Well, you know that first, like, the very first, like, animated video of the horse running? Yeah. And how it can kind of see its feet are off the ground? None of that.

No, no, no. The horse is on the ground at all times. It's like the very first video was a horse, like, trotting. So animals can't jump either. No. Well, they could if they could figure it out.

Oh, man. What about insects? Oh, a lot of crawling little buggers, huh? Yeah. Do you know that the flea can crawl? That is the fact of a flea. Yeah, because I was wondering if it was kind of like, I don't know, I mean birds can fly

And people can't So they'd just be like Oh animals can jump But no No No jumps No jumps Animals

Birds have to Because again Generally with birds They're like a little Of a hop to fly None of that Straight lift off So birds

Yeah Sam was right Straight lift off Bird is on the ground And then In the air And it flies away Like a helicopter You have killed off fleas though

now that I think about it because they breed by jumping from one creature to the other they can't do that no they can crawl though cats don't run away anymore can't jump the fence oh fuck that's true cats are a land creature now you've created so many more happy children

what I'm excited for is when I introduce jumping to the world. All the firemen out of a job catching cats out of the trees. Fires still exist though. And fires still exist. Thank God there's fires.

But I like when I introduce jumping. Can fire jump? No. It crawls. When I introduce jumping to the world and it's seen as a big, frightening, like it's in the newspapers, should we jump? You know what I mean? Is jumping the cause of the rot in society?

So falling exists, but jumping doesn't. And in Yesterday, again, I haven't seen this film, but for some reason I know the entire plot. You're the Yesterday expert. So he admits at the end of the film, at an Ed Sheeran concert that he didn't write

these songs and everyone boos him and then he plays Love and everyone's like actually, no, that's alright. And they clap. Fucking who cares?

Most artists don't write their own songs. Shut up! Does that mean that then you go on stage at Ed Sheeran's concert and jump and everyone's like

oh my god. Jump by Van Halen doesn't exist. Oh my god! Well I imagine I wake up in the hospital hospital What happens to David Lee Roth's career? Better? Wait is that Jump around?

That also doesn't exist Walk around quickly Walk So it's going to take me a while to realise Dancing's off Well not all dancing Shuffling is on Shuffling still counts

Ballet is ruined You ruined the ballet Crowds at punk bands don't know what to do They squat Do you think that there's a way that you could make a bunch of money off of this? Yeah well if I'm the first man to jump it's novel I could charge people to come see Well the thing is, but like,

surely everyone's calf muscles are weakened. People go to jump, snap their Achilles. Actually, people's calf muscles are stronger because of all the squatting people are doing in place of jumping. That does hamstrings, not calves! Everyone's arse is exceptional. Firm as they could be.

It's great to wake up in hospital and be like, I'm in the good ass universe I guess in this universe everyone's dummy thick and then I figure out later no it's from jumping when I'm jumping at the station and everyone's like what's he doing

I'm like it's called jumping and I invented it you just run a school like a a one-on-one lesson? Basically, you just kick the ground really hard. Man, it is hard to explain jumping. And it means that Fortnite will put Jump in as an emote and won't... They won't credit me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Then you'll sue them. I will. And get nothing. So the person you meet who also knows what jumping is... I have to kill him. Okay. What? Because they'll give the secret away.

I want my school to be exclusive. Would you be teaching them how to jump? Work together. Yeah, as a teacher. Would you be teaching them how to jump or would you try and make a device to help aid in the jumping? Well, I think, because I know how to jump. Like the Mario Bros. live action movie. Well, I think, because I know how to jump. Like, you know, the Mario Bros.

live action movie. Oh, like jumping boots? Yeah. If you want to kill someone, jump on them to death. Mario Bros. style. No one will be able to solve the crime.

The cops will be like, what happened? Did a guy walk on him heavily? No, man, is that heavy? I don't understand. Except that guy knows how to jump as well.

So it's just the two of us trying to jump on each other. But then that ruins your business proposition because then you're suddenly you're like well i can't tell people that i can jump because they'll easily track trace it back to this one guy who can one jumping man you've like uh that's like satanic panic but in jumping that's what i mean jumping leads to death who is this man introducing rot to society i i.e. the jump. We are ground creatures. Mostly.

Well, yeah, you'll probably get blamed for a lot of deaths. People are like, hey, no one could jump off bridges before this. People aren't going to know how to jump responsibly, you're right. People could walk off bridges, sure. Walk in four. That extra little bit of height that's in a half a meter, that's what's

killing people. It's also funny for people not to know how far jumping, like what jumping's capable of. To see like a massive distance and be like, can I jump this? No, that's not how it works. You can only jump a little bit. It's not very useful. I don't understand. Are you also training animals?

Like if you get a grasshopper. How? That's what I mean, like a grasshopper. Grasshopper jump. Because it's like if every animal isn't jumping yeah there's something wrong with this world that's just the world hey gravity heavy no people just haven't figured it out grasshoppers are capable of it they just don't know they can i can't communicate to a grasshopper is it something to do with like can jump like the planetary side it's just the moment one person does, then everyone starts doing it.

It's just happenstance. It's just happenstance that in all the permeations of reality, this is the one where no one figured out jumping. And no animal did either. You might be killed as a witch. I should be. Alright, so. Wouldn't it have been better to get hit by a boss and die?

No, why? This life rules this is the best I'm so powerful are you everyone can squat better than you my arse is the worst arse on the planet

this is gonna be man wakes up in hospital has a terrible arse we didn't think this was possible man with terrible arse thinks he's better than us actually worse imagine them giving me my physical and being like think this was possible. A man with terrible ass thinks he's better than us. Actually worse.

Imagine them giving me my physical and being like, what's wrong with your ass? I'm like, what? You're just not dummy thick. Yeah, you're not dummy thick. Giving it a feel. This is all wrong. This is the worst ass.

That's scary as well because I wouldn't know I was in an alternate reality and would have no idea. I was like, why are these doctors insulting me? Or is it because

we kind of see in our society because doing a lot of squats is considered very like oh hard work look at that ass it's looking in like peak physical um you know condition because they're doing so well for themselves whereas in this universe because everyone is that you're the one that stands out so maybe man wakes up in hospital world's greatest it's so! It's so small and his calves are huge! Small ass, big calves. The perfect man. People start calling you thick.

Yeah. He's dummy thick in the calf department. People always want what they don't have. That's true. If everyone has a dummy thick ass, you're gonna be desirable.

And nobody has dummy thick calves. Quite like this boy. Neither do you. Compared to everyone else, I'm jumping mildly more. So just taking it back to the start. No, no skipping. Yeah.

Before we move on with this, in what situation this morning did you jump at the train station? Oh, I don't know. I was listening to music. Part of the dance was a jump. Oh, so you were dancing at a train station with music in your headphones

and you hopped. Yeah. Okay. Just checking. No, hey. were dancing at a train station with music in your headphones and you hopped. Yeah. Okay. Just checking. No, hey. I'm full of beans. Permanently. If I was at that train station,

I would have looked at you and been like, what is that guy doing? I might hit him. I wonder if he's got a wallet because I bet he does not look after it. I reckon I can take that wallet.

I reckon I can just ask and he'll give it to me and only realise later what's happened. Wait, I think I can just ask and he'll give it to me and only realise later what's happened. Wait, I think I was wrong. When he remembered that you forgot to touch on, you'd be like, oh, I can't, now I gave that guy my wallet. He needed

it more than me. He robbed me! And now, a quick word from our sponsors. Also, hey, plumbing is all cranberries and spice, but did you know that we produce at least eight other podcasts? Like, maybe you wish Dusha was missing, presumeded dead and instead it was just zamit jackson and their good friends adam and cass immersing themselves in the fantasy world of dungeons and dragons and pretending to be elves or whatever if this sounds like you then why not head to sanspantsradio.com

and search for dnd is for nerds our dungeons and dragons real play podcast that's far better than it is any right to be. Anyway. What I'm going to get yesterday, I didn't forget. Well, you know what I mean. Hey, we're 30 minutes in. Everyone gets it. Sleeping. And I'm going to realize straight away because I'm going to wake up in a grave

because the fact I'm unconscious instantly will mean that he's dead. No one's gone to sleep before. So falling unconscious also never happens. Also, dying hasn't happened. What? They didn't check for a pulse? I like that this world also buries,

it doesn't just cremate you. Fuck you. Well, no one's ever unconscious. So you're either unconscious, which is dead, or conscious. There's no point. You don't need to check a pulse. Everyone can be doctors now.

Eyes closed, dead. If they felt your pulse and felt a heartbeat, they'd be like, well, we don't understand how he died. So I wake up. Hopefully I'm awake before I'm completely buried. Or you just do that one-inch punch from Kill Bill and get yourself out. Yeah, yeah.

Look, I'm confident I could dig myself out of a grave. I've got faith in you. I don't. There's an air pocket. It's fine. And yeah, it would be very easy to be successful at things because no one has slept. I will rest and be clever.

So is it like my jump world where sleep is possible but nobody's figured it out Or are we physiologically incapable of sleep I feel like that at this point Maybe people don't have No because I like if it's physically possible but nobody's ever figured it out That just means that everybody's having terrible micro Sleeps all the time

And blacking out for several seconds That's a good point yeah let's go with that Because then everybody's exhausted and delusional I would try really hard the expected lifespan is probably 10 10 maybe five to be honest so you're the only old guy around like you're not old but you know you know what no yeah like i got hit by a bus i wake up i'm still on the floor the bus never existed yeah like i just i think the longest a human can stay awake with is is isn't it like well it's seven it's about seven days but that guy

was sleeping that's what he was having micro sleeps but he just didn't realize did he die no because he had a big sleep but yeah that's a one thing with uh i actually know sleep deprivation gets to a point where i think like it's a week or two weeks fine, but if you go further than that, it causes permanent brain damage. Absolutely. But if you're having microsleeps, it just means that everybody is wired and loopy and delusional all the time. Yeah, but they have to get to a certain age where they're capable of breeding. Yes. So nine or something.

Okay. All right, all right. We've done some research. A little bit of a quick research. It's possible that given enough time, sleep deprivation can kill you. While no human being is known to have died from staying awake, animal research strongly suggests it could happen.

After 32 days of total sleep deprivation, all the rats were dead. Well, a human being's not a rat, so. Means no rats in my world. Curiously, researchers still did not agree on the cause of death. There you go. Fried brain, too tired. So rats can't handle it.

Human beings in this world, turns out we can live without sleep. Yeah. Science has yet to prove or disprove anything. Just, it's an alternate universe where the one permeation of the reality fold where nobody's figured out sleep yet, but it won't kill us. Yeah. So sleep won't kill us.

How are you changing that? How are you being seen as the superior being? It's very funny if you're like, check this out. You go to sleep and they're like, he died. I just keep waking up buried and I'm like, fuck, no, I'm sleeping. They're like, we don't know what that means.

Let me explain it to you again. When my eyes are shut, I am not dead. Check my balls. What? You're what? So you have to like start locking yourself in a cage when you do these demonstrations so that they can't get to you. I wake up, cage is underground i'm like ah i'm not dead why do they keep thinking this yeah i like that everybody's gonna be quite spaced out i feel like you're

gonna wake up oh well i know i guess they just buried you but like surgeons and stuff aren't gonna be nobody's paying attention to the job they're doing is what I'm thinking. Yeah. And they're very like, they're getting upset with you for even bothering them. Look at this. And they go, what are you doing? I'm trying to operate here. Yeah. Please stop talking to me. On this awoken person.

And aesthetic doesn't exist. Coffee. Is there a reason? People drink coffee for the taste. And I guess for staying awake. People in this reality should not be drinking coffee. Don't add caffeine to that mix. Well, they don't need to.

Yeah, but it still tastes good. Well, they might be able to get tired. They can feel tired. Yeah, everyone feels tired all the time. So coffee, I guess, is the... If anything, there's more coffee. There's no beds. Yeah.

Oh, man, extra room in the house. Houses are smaller. Bedrooms are just called rooms. This is my lounge room. This is my bathroom. This is my room. Yeah. You know I go in here when I'm very tired but don't know what to do.

You're basically living in like Edward Cullen's house. No bedroom. You're just an empty space. People go stand in there for the nighttime. People get more done there for the nighttime. People get more done, but the work is worse. Yeah. Where I'll just be like, guys, close your eyes.

Don't die, just close your eyes. I do think that you would have to keep a secret for a long time and probably have to like sleep in a closet where nobody's going to find you. Because I'm just going to keep waking up buried. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah. Waking up buried. But then you keep getting way older than everybody else.

That's true. You get all this attention and there will be more scrutiny on you. They'll dissect you. How does he keep coming back from the dead? Again, it would be like, well, if you're sleeping for eight hours, there is an eight-hour window where you're uncontactable. People are going to be sus. Yeah.

I get all my best work done at night. I put my phone on sleep mode. Oh, no, there's no be sus. Yeah. I get all my best work done at night. I put my phone on sleep mode. Oh, no, there's no sleep mode. Phones buzzing constantly. TVs use power all the time. They're either on or they're dead. I think at first you're going to have to, like once you're older than people,

people might start listening to you on, like, what's your secret. And then I think the only way you're going to be able to explain it to them is by saying, okay, what I do is I go and die for eight hours a night. And so I do a lot of my dying while I'm alive in order to push back actual death. And then they'll be like, right, you must teach us how to do it. These are micro deaths. Micro deaths. To stay alive longer, I must die once a day. What's crazy is that in this world,

people are capable of falling unconscious. So many people have just been buried alive. So many people have woken up in a coffin like, oh, wait. Well, your mate who also remembers, they're buried. Yeah, they're dead. Yeah, they're dead. Also, I'm thinking just transport and travel. The speed limits of cars must be very low. Because if everyone's having micro sleeps,

there's just going to be like, oh, yes, the maximum speed of a car, 20 k's per hour. I think it would just have to be straight roads. Everyone walks everywhere. I don't think there's cars. Rail. Automated rail. Yeah.

People miss their stops constantly. What about other animals? Yeah, can other animals sleep? I'm just imagining. All animals are furious. All animals are furious. I'm just imagining a horse constantly kicking. I think animals will have evolved for their gestation

cycles to be really short because they die at such early ages. And so then there'll be loads and loads of animals around, but then also loads and loads of dead animals around. So most people's job will be picking up the bodies of dead animals. Smell of this world? Worse.

Bears no longer exist because everyone keeps finding dead bears in caves. Yeah. We should check that. Can the animals sleep but humanity just thinks they're dying? Oh my god, are you puppies?

Man, why do puppies die so quickly? The only animals that stay alive are fish because nobody sees a fish asleep. Man, this is hell. I guess birds you don't see a lot of the time. I'm trying to think of animals you rarely see. Birds in captivity, unfortunately,

die a lot quicker than birds in the wild. They can't figure it out. People just assume birds turn into bats overnight. All zoos are just like, grand opening of a zoo, day one. Oh, no. Hey, how do we deal with the baby problem? Babies sleep. What people do is that they never look at babies.

And that was the solution because we kept killing babies. We kept burying babies by looking at them. That's so funny. Babies are born and they're put into a dark room where no one can see. Yeah, and so you just kind of go in and you make sure you don't look at them, but you just feed them.

That's the best way to keep babies alive because if you look at them, they die. And then eventually they hit a certain age where it's good. We figured this out through rigorous testing where you can look at a baby now as a toddler and it'll be okay no it's not gonna die oh boy but at what point do we forget that we need to sleep i think at some you know quite early on the babies have to learn that you don't go to sleep because people freak out learned behavior yeah. You learn to just kind of do there's a length of blink that you

can do that allows you to get a micro sleep in but that everybody doesn't freak out. That's so funny because that means we're born knowing we have to sleep and then we're told that no, sleep is death. No, you're wrong. You don't need to sleep. There's not going to be a giant heroin problem

because the moment someone nods off. That's right. ODing is so much easier. Alcohol is scary. You know when you get that pleasant, sleepy, drunk feeling? That's like a, I'm going to die soon. I'm going to wake up. I'm going to get buried.

But powdered substances skyrocket. Oh, absolutely. Speed and cocaine skyrocket. Oh, absolutely. Speed and cocaine. Live large. Yeah, through the roof. Then you're like, you know that tired feeling you constantly have? It's gone for a bit. Do a line.

You feel great. Yeah, I think they'll have like cocaine on them. Every house will have like a cocaine tap. Yeah. A cocaine tap. Yeah. Wow. Just like where powder just comes out.

And you pour yourself a pint of cocaine ah like the British do warm cocaine room temperature of course in the UK

they like the brown cocaine yes yes yes and it's mouthfuls like the cinnamon challenge

rubbing in your gums Yes, yes, yes. And his mouth feels like the cinnamon challenge. Rubbing in your gums. Everybody's faces are just white all the time. Powdered. Yeah. Just like everyone's faces also kind of just caved in from chewing too much. And you can never sleep off like a drug buzz You just gotta keep it going I think I figured out

The baby problem Oh yeah Didn't they used to rub cocaine on baby's gums To make someone cry Heaps more now Maybe an IV drip Or like a baby's bottle Like a talcum powder.

Like having a collapsed septum will just kind of be adulthood. Everyone just has one nostril now. No, just an open wound. And no face. Well, no teeth. I think probably your gums will recede and disappear. So it'll just kind of- Everybody will get boneier instead of just-

We won't be called humans. We'll be called hole faces. We named ourselves. What a terrible world to wake up to after digging yourself out of the grave. You're going to dig yourself right back in. Nah, I'm good. I'll get hit by a bus again straight

away because the bus driver will be having a micro-sleep. How did you survive being unconscious in this hospital? Well, I guess, yeah, I just got hit by a bus and I was like, oh, he's dead. Bury him straight away. You wake up being lowered into a car. Like, wait, no, I'm alive.

Like, oh, my God. Oh, my God, shoot him. He is a member of the undead. Oh, he's a baby man. Because your face would be normal. Give this man some coffee. It's an und a baby man. Because your fights would be normal. Give this man some coffee. It's an undead baby man. End him.

And then they'd shoot you in the mouth. Luckily, you had been wearing your diaper when you were crossing the road. Nothing but your giant nappy. That was the only thing that saved you. It made everybody avert their gaze from you. Oh, no no a baby I don't want to kill Put him in a dark room

Someone feed this baby That bottle of coke Whoa guys Fuck What is happening You're all You look like monsters So

I want to say day four Your heart might give out Yeah look My heart is not used to that much cocaine or that much stimulant. Although, remember, I can still go to sleep. Yeah, but they're going to think something's wrong. This baby man needs to be awake.

Yeah, that's true. That's true. I just don't think you're ever going to get a chance to teach people about sleep because every time you fall asleep, they'll dump coke on your head and then your heart will give out and they'll be like,

what a weird baby man. So everyone has got a cave face and a strong heart. True. Hearts of a human race. Hearts as big as Falafel. Was I better off being killed by the boss? I don't think so.

For that incredible three-day high. Yeah. And plus the one bonus, no sleep apnea everybody has like well maybe wake wake apnea no dreams just there's the term dreams doesn't exist from what i'm doing now but what would martin luther king talk about i had a woken moment i had a woken moment. I had a thought. I've been thinking. Which is rare because people can't focus in that world. Everyone's like, holy shit, we should listen to this guy.

A lot of assassination attempts. Everyone's shaking, got the jitters. People would be like, remember when JFK died? You'd be like, shot? You'd be like, no,

his driver crashed the car and a bullet hit a passerby. The JFK assassination is the assassination of some guy on the side of the road. It was just JFK was present so we named it after him.

Every big historic event just becomes slapstick comedy because no one's really paying attention. I struggled with, you know, coming up with a, you know, a good thing, a good yesterday thing that could get yesterdayed. But I thought, what if nobody had ever invented sliding your fingers into things? Hell yeah. So the ring industry didn't exist, obviously.

No gloves. Poking. Tasting stuff that's on your finger out of the way. You got your finger covered in powdered sugar Like stretching your ear That's it Look someone needs to bring it up Fingering Yes

Thank god Oh my god I hadn't considered that one No fingering That's so sad Foreplay gets a lot harder Nah it's more mouths now I guess Which is hey that's usually the point of foreplay. So maybe we've made it better.

We've streamlined foreplay. Streamlined. We've removed some of the options. A lot of the problem with foreplay. Too much choice. Too much going on, guys. It's overstimulation, you know? So you show up in this world where no one's come up

with um sliding fingers sliding fingers into things and foreplay is unbelievable because there's less choices to make so people know straight away what to do and you show up and you disrupt this world right and you go what about this and you show it with a baguette on some youtube video and you push your finger into it. They go, what was that? It seemed like your finger disappeared for a second. You go, no, it was inside the baguette. It's called sliding your finger into a thing.

What? And they go, but could we use that, let's say, during foreplay, which is sort of the most straightforward thing known to humanity? And you go, absolutely. That's what we did where I came from. John Lennon used to do it all the time. But here he doesn't know about it. What's great is that in this world, people are putting on shoes. They know about that.

They know about sliding a bit of your body into a thing. It's funny because occasionally you slide your finger into things accidentally. Yeah, absolutely. Look, down the back of a couch. Yeah. Searching for things. Hey, what about sleeves on clothes? Wait, wait.

Yeah, that's, look, well, I guess everything is buttoned up all the way around. Is it fingers or hands? Yeah. Because the mittens exist, but the gloves don't. Yeah. I mean, I just don't think that you could put your fingers through any kind of hoop, any kind of circle. So putting on clothes now, it's all shawls. Yeah.

Or like, you know, like a button up shirt will button up all the way up. Oh, I see. Like a T button. Yeah. Down your arms. A singlet will just button up near the top there. Those, I see. Yeah. Like a T button. Yeah. Yeah. Down your arm. A singlet will just button up near the top there. Those will just be push studs at the top. Yeah.

Yeah. A lot of shawls, a lot of kind of like long kind of robe kind of thing. And strange buttoned garments. Or just kind of like, like a robe, but with no sleeves. Yeah. Just like a big hole for your neck. Yeah. And you have to pull everything up from the bottom.

Yeah. Is that right? Yeah. Yep. And then it ties up around the top of your neck. Yeah, and you have to pull everything up from the bottom? Yeah. Is that right? And then it ties up around the top of your neck. A lot of strange jumpsuits. You meet John Lennon and you'd be like, hey, in my world you used to finger your wife. He's like, I am capable of

that, yes. That's a thing I could do. I could imagine that actually. Like that song I wrote, Imagine, and we're like, yes. You're still the Beatles in this world Imagine your fingers could go through circles It's easy if you try No, what the fuck?

That's why he got shot Oh wait, yeah, he probably got killed in this world still Because of his controversial song, Imagine Think about a gun You slide that finger in the trigger That's true of this world still because of his controversial song I'm bad at it wait no think about a gun oh my god you slide that finger in the trigger that's true

yeah most guns no you can still have guns you just have to squeeze the handle you have to shoot them that old style like in country

in the western movies where you it's all fanning the hammer yeah you pull the hammer back to ooh ooh ooh that means John Lennon got lit up

but no automatic weapons. Hey, that's true. That's good. If anything, it's like the whole world is Australia. Yeah. Hey, that means two out of these four situations have prevented the death of JFK. It almost seems like we live in the worst alternate universe. Absolutely.

It's so funny to imagine fucking up fingering someone for the first time because you don't know quite what you're doing just looking at your fingers looking at a vagina looking back at your fingers i mean like what the fuck but slamming your hand in but i think there would be a lot of backlash at this guy who fucked up foreplay that was so straightforward oh yeah absolutely these options and people are freezing up and then that's what maybe that's what stopped um you know men from being as as into foreplay you know these days it's like that's it's really too much choice there's too much choice i'm i can't you know i it would be easier to not have arms that's what some guys will do that once fingering becomes invented guys will just cut off their hands or their arms.

Sorry, I can't. I'll have to use my mouth. Again, old style. Would you become sort of a villainous figure like Mr. Finger or something? Don't listen to Mr. Finger. It would be hard not to. I mean, you're waving your finger, which is okay. You can waggle your finger. Picking your nose out of the question.

Getting stuff out of your teeth with your fingers. Not happening. I'm thinking like surgery where they have to kind of get their fingers in. Digging out a bullet or whatever. You've just got to look and hope. Yeah, you use a lot of magnets and stuff. Like a big stick to poke that through. Absolutely.

You can put other stuff in stuff. For some reason, the thing I keep going back to Is getting a scoop of Nutella or peanut butter Out of a jar with my finger Something that you shouldn't be doing in this world Let alone the other world Using a spoon? Yeah I suppose just spoons Scissors? They're hard to use now

Scissors do become just They're all shears like you're trimming a bush Which you'll need to do now. Yes, absolutely. You're getting down there. I feel like snout is far more intimate than fingering. Oh, yeah. Hey, just a very brave statement there.

You've invented ass play, just saying. Oh, that's true. That's right. Well, except. You've invented arse play, just saying. Oh, that's true. That's right. Well, except for analingus, of course. Except for analingus. A strap on or just pegging. Look, I guess you just added another repertoire to arse play. Hey, sweet, another thing I put in an arse.

Yes. That rules. Yeah, but again, maybe it's too much choice. You know, maybe it's too much choice. You know, maybe have you revolutionized the dildo world where now you get dildos in the shape of fingers? Well, that's exotic. That's quite exciting. Absolutely, yeah.

It'll be like those dragon dildo guys that you've been telling me about. That we won't shut up about. So suddenly you'll have just dildos that are just a fist doing sort of the gun motion, the gun hand motion. One big finger, just a single finger on its own. But it also means, sorry, the tagline will be, it's like a dildo, but way smaller and less good. Fingernails. There's going to be a second sexual revolution That's like actually this is bad

Go back to males What I think will be good Is that in this world holding two fingers up Won't be some weird Sex thing That makes it look like you're trying to get somebody to smell your finger Yeah And the shocker

You can say hey smell my finger And people people be like okay it smells like whatever yeah it smells like a finger yeah smells like an ass what is that cantaloupe you go yeah it dripped on my finger while i was eating it cool could you still have the shocker but it's now a mouth movement is there a way to make a mouth movement that implies both a vagina and an anus are involved tongue and nose hey oh my god one big lick oh it's just like a big like just a big like a cowlick. The shocker, you know.

I was trying to think of other things that will be ruined now by not being able to slide one's fingers. Or weddings, obviously. Because you won't be able to finger your wife. Or your wife won't be able to finger you. Yeah, absolutely. Well, I guess you can still wear anklets. What replaces the wedding ring? You wear anklets, you can wear a necklace.

I can get in like tying things. Oh, can you tie things around? Yeah, like a bit of string you tie around. You go to those kind of old positions. As long as it's not around your finger. But you could tie it around your finger, but you're just sliding it. You're tying it.

No, but you could tie it, but then you have to untie it instead of sliding it off because that would not come up with it. Maybe like a big gold bangle around your neck. Oh, yeah, that's nice. It just says married. Like a dog collar. All right, bond Oh, yeah, that's nice. It just says married. Like a dog collar. All right, bondage.

Okay, that's more prevalent. Sweet. Okay, I'm just trying to think. Any kind of historical events that would have been changed by no finger? Well, yeah, no JFK, because you can't polish that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, are cars driven now? Does it count if my thumb is on the inside yeah that does count and so and so the steering wheels will just be like a full filled in wheel like on playgrounds when it's like yeah yeah yeah yeah great great or like babies learn to drive faster now because like hey this is just like on that playground that's right and so the age of sort of of uh like know, like high-end racing, race car drivers will be much lower.

Yeah. Because, you know, they'll learn and also they're way lighter. Yeah. Hey, it turns out the hardest part of learning how to drive a car

is just coming to terms with the fact that you've got to loop your fingers around the steering wheel. That's the hard bit. Would you have changed the uppercase Q? Oh,

because it's a hole with a dash in it? It just occurred to me. I apologize. Look, I would absolutely change it. They're just separate now. It's underneath. It's like an underline. Because that would have given it away really early on.

But you wouldn't actually be able to get into a car because that's fingers entering a sort of a hole. Oh, that's true. So you wouldn't actually be able to sort of like go into that's fingers entering a sort of a hole oh that's true so you wouldn't actually be able to sort of like go into caves walk through houses yeah maybe every house just has like a line that you can put your arms out of yeah all hallways are really small so that you're like house slits in the side arms out yeah walk through like a scarecrow thin yeah just be no no overhead roofs yeah maybe yeah yeah yeah yeah no clothes yeah unless you could have sort of like okay so you wake up in the savannah as well i mean you could have a sort of a a double what no wait

i'm trying to figure out how you could do it with like a pergola oh yeah yeah like like or if it was just hovering roofs yeah so maybe like roofs are sort of suspended from like a pergola oh yeah yeah like like or if it was just hovering roofs yeah so maybe like roofs are sort of suspended from like it's a single pole in the middle single pole in the middle yeah and then you never have a full loop around you kind of like a maypole situation yeah we need to figure out the definition of in what the answer is in yes i guess a lot of camping we could camp and yeah again alistair you get to show off by walking on stage and then bringing your arms in you're like slid my hands into this venue and people watch this oh my god did he just put his fingers in a thing? What? That's a much nicer demonstration than just fingering somebody. Fingering Ed Sheeran.

Check this out. Oh, my God. You're fingering me. That's great. I meet the other guy who knows how to finger because he's fingering Ed Sheeran. And then you both get in there. Yeah, everybody fingers at you. Gave him out, you know.

And the audience is like, well done. Yeah, and then they'd be like, no, you know what? This is good. It's also funny for you to be like fingering. Like, what's the equivalent of being like, I didn't write these songs.

I didn't invent this maneuver. I didn't invent fingering. I didn't invent this maneuver. I didn't invent fingering. But I mastered it. And then you put a second finger and everyone's like, no, this is good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ed's enjoying himself. Yeah, everyone's having a good time. It's definitely better to survive this than to have been killed by the boss.

Oh, absolutely. Yeah. This is the ideal world. Yeah. This is the ideal world. Was it the ideal world before or after? Well, I don't know. I guess not being able to go into buildings was a tough thing. But it just meant we used less resources

in building buildings. Streamline foreplay. It's a dream world. Not that, no. I've been Joel. I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. And I've also been Alistair. And Alistair, where can we find you?

You can find me on Twitter at AlistairTB or on the Two and the Think Tank podcast or on Shusher Guided Meditations. Great podcast. Everyone should listen to them. And thank you so much for coming on. I could not thank you guys enough for this. Please come on my podcast soon.

We will. Yes. We promise. Guide people in meditation. Right. I mean, I do in every episode say, I'll be your shusher for today.

So I have left it open that other people, I could have some guest shushers. Hello. Thank you for coming today. Today, I'm going to guide you to sleep By describing fingering I want you to get your finger

And plop it gently Plop it Like it's falling out of an ass Into your ass Plop it quite gently On the tip of your tongue. Now slide that bad boy into the back of your throat. Make sure you hit that gag reflex. And now you're vomiting.

I've been your shusha guy for today. Just a taste. Just a taste. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at Sandspance Radio, or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13.

I'm at OldDogsOfDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to SandspanceRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps. And if you want to support us, head to Sandspanceio.com and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps and if you want to support us head to sanspantsplus.com Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now

But not forever. Kisses