Plumbing the Death Star - What Would Your Personal Reason Be For Entering the Mortal Kombat Tournament? with Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall

Episode Date: April 4, 2021

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Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, what would your personal reason be for entering the Mortal Kombat tournament? Mortal Kombat! Anyway before we get into that... That was the Spice Jam. Y'all ready for this? And as you may have just noticed, there is a fourth man in the room, and you would have also seen that these episodes says featuring ATB, but we're joined by ATB. I'm here.

20th century. Alistair Tremblay. Alistair Tremblay Blanchell in the flesh. It is so nice to have flesh and to be here with it. I've got some terrible news. We're entering the Mortal Kombat tournament. So that flesh may be optional. You got to sacrifice some flesh for a bit of,

I guess a bit of like, what is it, like, you know, exposure? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, would we really be talking about Jax if he actually had arms instead of sweet metal arms? The metal arms are what sets him apart from everybody else. Dusha, what is the Mortal Kombat? So, basically, the Mortal Kombat, it's a fight between the realms. There's Earth realm other realm devil realm. Did they come up with that one

first? Born realm But it's like a big global thing everybody's entering right? Well no it's not a global it's a realm wide Realms there are? Table realm.

A two, it sounds like. I will say that I did, before we launched the episode, say, I'd be like, ah, I know Mortal Kombat. I should be right. I just realized after this happened that I'm basing my knowledge entirely off the 1995 film, which is not how most- With Christopher Lambert. Yeah, as Raiden.

Yeah. So the tournament is put together by old gods, I think, and the winner gets control of the realms, I think. Okay, okay. Shang Tsung is a bad guy who runs the competition. One of the winners, I believe, of one of the Mortal Kombat, because doesn't Shao Kahn come in? Because he's the main villain in the next one.

Yeah, so Shao Kahn is at the very end of the movie. Spoilers. Anyway. Then you've got Goros. Yeah, he's... I love Goros. Let's take a few steps back. Obviously, Mortal Kombat is like a mythical tournament sort of thing. People don't really

believe it's real, but then when people start catching wind of it, they all start being like, I'm entering this competition not knowing how high the stakes actually are. Your life. It's a real blood sport. Legitimately. More of a blood sport than the film Bloodsport.

It's called Mortal Kombat, but there are a fair few kind of almost demon sort of immortal seeming people. Never miss normal. Nah, you can kill them. You can take their spines or whatever. God enters. He shouldn't. But then I think he loses his mortalness.

Or immortleness. Not in the film. Raiden stays to the side and he's just like guiding everyone. Well, I'd like to enter the Mortal Kombat because there's a prophecy that I'll win. I'm the chosen one. So that's why I had to. Okay.

Because it's my destiny to be the king of Mortal Kombat. Okay, so who's told you this prophecy? Some guys, I don't know, some monks. Just some school children I was passing by one day. You were sitting at home, finishing off a super-sized Slurpee, hanging out on my porch, toddlering it on your porch,

t-shirt, no pants. Making that noise because the Slurpee was huge. It was one of those, you know when they bring your own container days? And my eyes were bigger than my belly. I brought in a plastic tub. And I'm sitting there, mouth sticky from Slurpeepy bugs coming at it, trying to get the sweet sugar. And then some monks come and they're like, excuse me. And I'm like, what?

You're prophesized to win the Mortal Kombat. All right. Count me in. So that's pretty much how you expect it to go. Yeah, pretty much. By and large. Are you going to practice? Practice what?

Fighting. What is to go? Yeah, pretty much, by and large. Are you going to practice? Practice what? Fighting. What is this competition? What kind of tournament? Are the monks telling me that that's... Are you asking any questions? Is it a sloppy consuming tournament? I just get into their limousine or whatever. To their monastery.

I mean, you sort of think from the name Mortal Kombat that maybe it's fighting but also the combat is spelled with a K so it's like it could just be some gamer thing Mario Kart is spelled with a K too it's good if I see it spelled with a K like you're entering Mortal Kombat

and they hold up a sign that says Mortal Kombat huh I don't know that word when you see the logo Kombat with a K it could be like French combat it sounds like it could be duck liver When you see the logo... Combat with a gay. I don't know that word. It could be like French combat. It sounds like it could be duck liver. I don't know what that is.

But I'll get in the limousine. What monks do you know that drive a limousine? These ones. And in French, little petit mot. Oh yeah, petit mot. That sounds like it could be an orgasm thing. Oh, my God. Is this where I get off?

Battle of the big orgasms. Oh, my God. I'm in. Maybe I will be training. I've been training for this my whole goddamn life since puberty. In the back of the limo. You guys don't mind if I start training, do you? Put both my legs up on the middle seats or whatever.

The monk's just turning to... Is that like giving birth position? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I found that this is actually the optimal way to achieve orgasm. How lucky is it I'm not wearing pants? That was just happenstance. Well, here's something fucked up about the birthing position that I learned from our good friend Adam?

Yeah. So, like, generally in, like, you know how we in Western society shit wrong? Yeah. And, like, how we sit down on a toilet and that's wrong because everything doesn't line up. Yeah, you squint your colon or whatever. Same thing for birth. Oh, really?

But it was, I forget which era, but it was just like a French king who was kind of like, no, no, no, this is going to be better for the doctors. And they were like, oh, that makes sense. He's like, and I also want to watch. That makes less sense. But like, he really liked to watch. Oh, no. Oh, no.

And that's why we women give birth on their backs. Because it is better to give birth in a squatting position, right? I believe so. As a man without a uterus, I don't know. I think we can decide here. I think definitively. The idea that a baby is falling, though,

is pretty funny. That is true. A doctor is doing doctor stuff, but also has to catch. I guess in nature they're landing on not concrete but some grass or some rocks or something. Some gravel

or something like that. Jagged rocks. If a dog gives birth in a driveway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're hanging off a branch, off a cliff. A tarmac. At the airport. In between. About to board. A deer gives birth in a tarmac at an airport.

Do they stop the planes? How did deer get in? I think that would stop the planes if anything was on the tarmac. It's not meant to be there. I think that's kind of part of the tarmac. I thought it might be like, you know how those big trains in the middle of the Australian desert, they'll just run down a camel because that's better than stopping every camel on the road.

Why do you know that? Anyway, Jackson just finds out this fact as he's got his feet up on the seat of the limo and he realizes, Oh, it's better if I point my dick down. That's probably the more natural way of doing it. I'll do it onto the floor of the limousine. That's why it's absorbent. Then I guess the monks, when they take me to the monastery, are like, no. I like that they've waited. I don't want to interrupt. I imagine what's probably going to happen is one of the monks just does like a thing and then freezes you. Mid-orgasm.

And then they've got to carry me to the monastery. They've got me like sitting in the middle of the church and they're like, the moment we unfreeze him, he's going to come. I don't want to do it. I don't want to the monastery. They've got me sitting in the middle of the church, and they're like, the moment we unfreeze him, he's going to come. I don't want to do it. I don't want to watch this. Then presumably, eventually, they just bite the bullet and put you outside. Just unfreeze you.

Oh, what is happening? It was cold. Now I'm alright. Do they eventually give me pants? I think that's the most important question. That's a you decision. They might offer you a robe or a pants or some kind of outfit to wear. Let's say they give me at least some pants, maybe some pants that are a bit too big for me

because they're meant for someone else. The real question is, do you think they could teach me to fight in, say, the month before Mortal Kombat begins? So I think that what will probably happen based on the interactions i've had with you is they wouldn't train you or they'd train you wrong knowing that the consequences of you not knowing how to fight is your swift decapitation uh-huh at this point in time they're probably like that's good for us the prophecy is wrong yeah yeah yeah

or they're gonna be just like well he's prophes win. Yeah. So if we don't have to do anything, he'll just win. Is that how prophecies work and stuff? Like if you're prophesied to do a thing, you don't need to try? Yeah, presumably. You're prophesied to do it. Yeah, you kind of end up accidentally trying. And then you're like, oh, yeah, because you have to undergo some kind of hardship. Yeah.

Maybe it's, I don't know how I'm going to be training combat just accidentally at the monastery. I just feel you will actively fight against it, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Any kind of training with them, throwing things at you to try and catch, throwing something at me. I have no reflex. It just whacks me in the head. Stop it. I can't catch, guys.

This is bullying. At what point do you think the monks might just either give up and be like, I think he's going to magoo this. I think he's going to just magoo his way to winning. To a sweet victory. A lot of the Mortal Kombat stages have pitfalls. So, I mean, you could. Yeah.

If I just stand there, someone will just fall in. I'm just relying on the fact that every other combatant will slip at some point. There's also one of those chances that, you know, like when people hit their head and then they wake up and they speak Spanish or something like that. It could be that maybe if you get your head hit hard enough, you could have incredible martial arts skills. It's good to imagine that's the conversation the monks are having.

They're like, this is our last resort. I'm just going to whack him on the head with a pan. Whack him with a big oar and see what happens. How? Or maybe you're just really oily from not showering for a month. And then every time someone goes to punch you, it glances off. I just imagine like Scorpion doing his big, like, get over here. Get over here.

Weird tentacle thing from his hand. Just wrapping around your neck, but missing you and and coming back and impaling himself. Get over here! Oh, no! As he does it, you're like, oh, a sandwich! And you duck and try and pick it up. And you're like, all day long, pick a sandwich up. You have good luck or whatever.

I thought you were going to say, oh, sand. A sandy level. I just bent it. If you look at sand under a microscope, it's really beautiful. You could be filled with wonder. Maybe that's what I say as I pick it up and see the thing and bail him in his head. Did you know that if... Oh my God, someone call this guy a doctor.

Where'd his head go? He's just a skull. Shit. Wow. So let's figure out a moveset for me. Can we categorize the moveset into like a, like a, like an attack, you know what I mean? Like a special, uh, an up B effectively that kind of thing. Smash Bros. Yeah. That's the only fighting categories I know. Yeah.

So what we, so Mortal Kombat, I guess like everyone just does punches and kicks. Yeah. Great. Punches kicks and usually like an orb. Projectile of some kind, whether it be a freezy ball or the get over here spear. Yeah, yeah. Or maybe like a hellfire also score. I'm revealing that I only know a couple of characters. Even Johnny Cage. Sonya Blade has like an orb thing she throws.

Johnny Cage I think also does the same thing. I think you might just by entering Mortal Kombat you get an energy source. Oh, that's cool. Wasn't there one where somebody, I think you might just hold down one of the buttons and go, and you kind of just like fly, kick through the air like that, that's cool. Wasn't there one where somebody, I think you might just hold down one of the buttons and go, and you kind of just fly kick through the air

like that? That's right. That's Luke Kang. Bicycle kick? Okay, well can my projectile attack be like I just slowly take off my clothes and hug them at it? So I've got as many goes of that move as I have clothes on my body at that time. So if you're a playable character,

I imagine after you remove both shoes and your shirt, and your character refuses to move, and every time you enter, press a button, you're just like, I'm nude now. With what? Ow. With what could I throw? No punches and kicks,

because I don't know how to do that. Or maybe you can use them, but it just hurts me. If you go, you know, like you punch, like it moves their health bar down a little but your health by a quarter i like to imagine as well you know like obviously you can like attack and you end up in a position where you're like lying down and then you have to move to get up if you crouch with me i just slip then you have to get up so don't crouch it's the trick you know if you're on your back and you can kind of kick a bit and you get their shins and that you're good at like that so don't crouch it's the trick you know if you're on your back and you can kind of kick a bit and you get their shins and that you're good at like that you don't lose health the best

move for me is to make me fall over and then kick with my shins that's if you want that's the jackson strategy for winning with me in mortal kombat yeah like ankle biting could be a useful thing for you if you if they start spinning you enough your head could get close to their ankles yeah oh you can throw your glasses could get close to their ankles. Or you can throw your glasses as well, but then the screen gets a bit blurry. I'm blind now. I'm nude and blind. Why have you done this to me?

Why have you done this to me? And then obviously a fatality needs to be the final thing to figure out. Okay, so we just need to ask, how would you kill a man? Hey, that's true. I think it's mostly, again, through Mr. Magooing. So it has to be just like either a distraction. It's like maybe a thing that happens, like when you lose and they're about to kill you with their fatality, you can almost do a counter.

A counter fatality. Where you're like, oh, look over there. So I kill them with their own fatality. That's much better than what I was thinking, which was I just put my hand down their mouth. Fatality. Open up. I'm deep in here.

I have a two-year-old who did that to me, and then I got quite sick with whatever disease he caught from daycare. Yeah, maybe my fatality is like a long-term one. I put my hand down their throat and they're like oh that was uncomfortable but i'm fine and i'm like hey fatality like what and then you get as the cut scene them living the rest of their life going home getting sick dying yeah they're great it's like like three weeks later bam yeah they're in hospital luke he's got a bit of a cough now. And then eventually, yeah, it kills him.

I never wash my hands. Yeah. So that's, I guess, that's me. Do you think you could win the game with me? Would you pick me on the character select screen? I mean, it's hard mode. Definitely a hard mode. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I would not pick you. Oh, okay. It depends. I mean, if there was that, if you had that oozing move of oozing oil, I think there's a way that you could fall where that would kind of slide you into a low kick yeah you know a trip kind of low yeah that's true like that if you could just fall at a kind of do a kind of like a like a half where i just continually slide underneath in the fight definitely in the in the half pipe uh battle

yeah place in this in the skate bowl maybe you would do well. If you're at the arcade and you're playing Mortal Kombat and you get to pick the level and the person you're playing against sees you pick me and the halfpipe, they're like, come on. Oh, you're cheating. The reason the halfpipe level's included is Tony Hawk entered the competition this year. It's great because the great thing about

picking Jackson is that he's frictionless. He'll just keep sliding up and down. The slippy boy. You do the one move and you just take your hands off the controller. I've built enough speed. He'll just do it himself. And that's how I go.

Fatality. Yeah. Well, I think the reason I would enter the Mortal Kombat is in seeing, I guess, like Kung Lao using his hat as some kind of weapon. I would love to enter the competition to see what we can do with other articles of clothing. Yeah. Because it's kind of like, how can we improve the jacket so it's more deadly? Yeah.

So this is kind of like a fashion designer mix, blood sports kind of thing. Yeah. Like maybe I want to try and get a deal with like Levi's or something like that. Are you going to do like a Peaky Blinders thing where you put razor blades in your cap? That's what Kong Lao does, kind of. Kong Lao did it at first, Peaky Blinders. You can't trick us by setting your show before Mortal Kombat. Kombat?

That's bad. That's, I think, what you thought you were signing up for. Mortal Kombat? Yeah, sign me up. Okay. Mortal Kombat? Kombat? Is that French?

Yeah, I'm in. A little death. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I get it. I am aware. Yeah. So, yeah, maybe trying to get like some sponsorships yeah from like uh now no okay who am i so let's see i was gonna like like upper end to

like fashion stores but realizing probably not so kmart yeah yeah yeah target target maybe you want to shift direction into a certain kind of clientele. Can you talk through how you're going to make a jacket deadly for us? Well, this is what we need to kind of R&D. This is sort of like a conversation between Kmart, me, and some

maniac. An engineer, I guess? You're not going to pitch it as deadly clothes. You're going to pitch it to them as durable. People are looking for that when they're buying kids' clothes or whatever. I just need something that they can... Clothes that can last in the rough and tumble of play. Well, what if you make...

A jacket so versatile and durable it killed jacks. I was going to say, what if you made the jacket out of the same thing they make brass knuckles out of? Brass. That's a really good idea. Get a brass jacket. And then I guess you're hip and shoulder someone. But also you're very slow.

Brass pants, too. Very, very slow. Extremely stiff. Hang on. So, Jackson, pitch to me how you think pants made out of brass will work. Are they beaded? Or is the whole thing brass? I imagine it's like one item that you slot your leg in.

That's how I was imagining it too. Now, just imagine walking. Okay. And what does that involve? Okay. But what about if you have also brass suspenders on? To keep them on your body. Elastic suspenders?

I guess that would have to be. They couldn't be brass as well. No, but elastic brass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. HB gets it. Elastic brass suspenders. Because what I'm thinking is that if you have brass pants on,

they'll just fall down on the ground, trapping you. You know? But how do you plan on moving your legs? You walk like a duck or a penguin. Waddle, if you will. Yeah, but your pants are like... You can walk with stiff legs. I don't know if you can walk with legs that are encased in metal.

You could do it. You might be able to play your pants like a beautiful horn. Oh my god! Distract them. You know, it's a classic bard move. I don't know if a lot of people send bards into the Mortal Kombat. You get out there, Luke Hanks, like, this idiot's got brass pants. And you're like, wait a second.

And Liu Kang screams and becomes a skeleton. Brass, my one weakness. Big band music. He played those brass pants like a beautiful horn So we like your idea But what about brass pants You can play like a beautiful horn I was thinking like a jacket that's heavily weighted And so you can kind of do that

Unfortunately We could try and put some things into it So I guess we're moving away from sponsorship From Kmart into like some sort of music store. The cat empire. Scarnell. Yeah.

Real big fish have been irrelevant for too long. They're trying to come back by coming through blood sports and I guess making their own instruments. Look, I thought I was on to a winner there, but get back to me. With a weighted jacket, is your plan to just throw it at your opponent and it weighs them down? Potentially.

I'm realizing that maybe I'm not the right man to enter this competition. We probably need someone who is more physically able to do these things. I've seen this on videos where people kind of that weird move where they take their jacket off and they kick it off and it lands on like a hat stand and it's like very impressive.

I could never do that. Not in a million years. Well, what about if you get really, because I'm thinking, so weighted jacket, sure, that's good. Weighted is I think the important part here. And then I'm thinking about how comfortable a weighted blanket is. Instantly, it makes you want to fall asleep. So you just need to get strong arms

so you can throw it once. It lands on Baraka. He's like, oh, I'm calm. He goes to sleep. I don't want to stab you anymore. He goes to sleep. I snap his neck. Yes, your fatality is snapping the neck

of a person whom is asleep. Which, is it more wrong? Is it more wrong to kill a sleeping person? I mean, a lot of people say they want to die in their sleep. Yeah, that's true. You're just making dreams come true. Yeah, like this is kind of a kindness, if you will, to say Baraka or anyone else, because they're in a blood sport and they're like, wary to fight. They know the score. And they know the score. Yeah, they're in a blood sport and they're like ready to fight. They know the score.

They are in theory trying to kill you. Yeah and then if I'm like hey have a weighted blanket, have a pillow, maybe get a memory foam pillow. Maybe just become the comfort boy. Surround them with their loved ones. You realise this is the same strategy a Jigglypuff would use

in Mortal Kombat. Yeah exactly. Get like a Google Play and be like okay Google, play relaxing sounds. Play white noise. Okay Google, play eight hours of a tumble dryer. Get that going. What's great is that all of your moves

are like, you've got no combat moves. You just need to avoid getting hit for long enough to place all of these down. And then when they're comfy and surrounded by their loved ones, drifting to sleep. Yeah, snap their neck. Yeah, exactly. Because like you're saying, everybody wants to die in their sleep surrounded by those they love. Maybe I have another in terms of moveset.

It's a close one. It's a bit of a grapple. But I come with melatonin pills. You just kind of put them in their mouth and rub their neck like a dog and then hopefully they'll fall asleep yeah yeah yeah so the loved ones

what if you then have to fight them because this isn't what they want or are they on board because it's a blood sport I mean they've got to be on board the nicest way for anyone you know to die is in their sleep surrounded by those they love. But not with a broken neck.

I can smother them. Is that the problem? Yeah. Okay. There you go. The loved ones look to each other. Such a beautiful way to go. Or if we want to be... So peaceful. Or if we want to make it like a team sport,

everyone can hold down the pillow, their loved ones included. Together. Yeah, yeah. I like that. Then it's less about me doing it and more trying to, and look, what's more like me than delegating? Yeah, exactly. Then I can get the loved ones to hold down the pillow.

Maybe I try and find one of the most talented, like, musical loved ones, and they can play, like, a beautiful serenade as they go off. I mean, maybe you could just give the loved ones some brass pants and they could play, like, a beautiful horn. Oh, now we're talking turkey. Well, I'm wondering if, you know, because you're like, yeah,

you don't want to be snapping their neck, right? Because that's not, you know, you don't want to be, when you're surrounded by your loved ones, you don't want to be killed in that way. But could you get their cholesterol so high? That's a good idea So that it's not directly tied to you They are dying of natural causes

From their own lifestyle But you are the direct So instead of throwing out comfort items You're throwing out like hamburgers and cigarettes? Hamburgers, cigarettes, toast with a lot of butter on it That's step one And then step two is for them to die in their sleep You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hamburger, cigarettes, like toast with like a lot of butter on it. Yeah, that's step one, and then step two is for them to die in their sleep, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Through just an aneurysm or a heart attack. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you're not- It's a beautiful way to go, so peaceful. Plus, I think then you'd stop the Mortal Kombat, because they'd be like, who is to blame? Yeah. Did you beat them, or- If I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, before you

hit me, have this big plate of spaghetti carbonara. Are they really going to want to punch me when they're full of carbs and a little bit sleepy? And then that's when we get the weighted blanket. Pancakes would be a great way to put someone to sleep. Cigarette pancakes. Cigarette pancakes, a box of wine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A box of wine and cigarette pancakes

It's funny, pancakes put you to sleep Yet people associate it with breakfast Which is the opposite of going to sleep Yeah, that is interesting Well, you said funny It is funny That is really funny I think there's something in that

Pancakes They make us tired But we eat them for breakfast. Thoughts? Are you doing a show, a comedy festival? Don't you just pancake our? Okay, okay, okay. Meals.

What are they doing? Who are they trying to feed in this economy? Did I have to pay to get in? Maybe I'll do an Edinburgh Fringe style show. Pay what you want, but you can take money. You put down a hat and you're what? Just a bucket full of gold coins. And people can take as much as they want as they walk out.

And look, I know the cash is hard to come by. So if you have like a square thing, I'll happily tap and go. It's fine. I get it. I get it. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry about that. I get it. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry about that. Sorry about that. Yeah. People going like, or you're saying to them, how much do you want to take out? And they go like, well, 55. And you go, okay, here you go, 10. It's much slower than just the tap. Thank you for coming to Joel Dershowitz is confused by meals

Hopefully next year something good might happen I thought it would be funnier than it was I just really thought I was onto a winner With the fact that pancakes make you tired Yeah we saw the show Please no more Anyway I'm going to go check out Jackson Bailey's show Cigarette Pancakes

Oh this is disgusting. Does he smoke them or does he eat them? He puts them in a pancake, lights them, and then eats them. Oh, ow. It's hot. That's hot, but cool. Have I earned your respect, audience? I can imagine you putting them in a pancake, lighting all the cigarettes and trying to blow them out like it's a birthday cake,

but it's not working because that's not really how cigarettes work. And they're getting so frustrated, they start crying on stage. Smoke alarm goes off. Really red face from blowing. Someone get me out of here. Someone just silence the crowd. Will there be refunds? No!

The hardest part, I think, would be eating the ash to paint it. We'd just be like, oh, it's pure carbon. More syrup. Is that making you tired? You should see Joel Dush's show. That'd give you context for this show. So, yeah, I guess making them carb sleepy, getting them comfortable,

and then either snapping their neck. Or Jackson's alternative method, watching their cholesterol go so high they die of air quotes. Natural causes. Natural causes. Just encourage them of the poor choices. Like, hey, do you really want to train today? You don't need to.

Have this burger instead. Well, that's a good strategy. Again, I probably wouldn't pick you. So your special move is lifestyle change. But for the worst. Like a life coach, but wrong. Coaches can coach you in the wrong direction. Yeah, that's true.

Coach is neutral. There are coaches to losing teams. The worst team on everything has a coach. That's true. All the coaches is directing you. There's no specific direction in mind. A short life coach. How's that?

Short life coach. That's how I'll brand myself. A short life coach could still give you a really good short life. Yeah, that's true. It's going to be exciting. Just breathe. Live fast, die young, bad girls do it well. That's the one.

That's it. That's what they've always said. Yeah. And now a quick word from our sponsor. We have a lot of fun here at Sandspans Radio, but to relax, I like to yell at or just generally bully my good friend slash enemy, Jackson. And I've found the best way to do that is to give him a little responsibility

and watch him fail miserably. That's why I love recording our show, Jackson Bailey Spooks America. Jackson, an avid amateur cryptozoologist and UFO enthusiast, loves to chat about supposed sightings and strange phenomena. And I love to mock him for not properly researching things or only looking into them 10 minutes before we start recording. It's good fun and the best way for me to unwind after a long day doing actual work. So if that sounds right for you, head on over to SancePantsRadio.com and sign up for any level of our Sans Pants Plus subscription today. Basically, listening to both of your ideas and also thinking about my favorite Mortal Kombat fighter, who is Johnny Cage. And for anyone who doesn't know,

Johnny Cage's motivations to entering the Mortal Kombat tournament, which I think I said at the start of this episode, but honestly can't remember, is that he is a movie star whose career is starting to dwindle because there's rumors that he isn't legit and doesn't do his own stunts because the stunts in his movies have gotten so extreme that no one believes it so he enters a tournament to fight to the death where he fights actual gods a hollywood actor just to prove that his movies are legit it's incredible so that's good i'm gonna enter mortal kombat to prove a point also that killing a man is difficult.

Both the weight on my conscience and the act of doing so is hard. Does that mean, you know, like, and I think there's the same in Mortal Kombat. You basically get two rounds. So you kill them in the first round. You got to kill them in the second round. Well, no, it's like, it's a... It's best out of three.

Yeah, best out of three. And there's no option to kill them after the first round. Well, that's what I was going to say, but there's no option to kill them after the first round. Well, that's what I was going to say, but it's yours. You kill them in the first round automatically, but then the second round you have to grapple with the emotional weight. Well, no, I imagine that if you play as me and you win in the first round, that's fine.

But then in the second round, if you're winning and it gets closer and closer to the fatality moment, my character starts slowing down and really starts to- You do a little sick up on yourself from the stress. I don't know if I can do it, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're getting more sweaty. Grappling is harder.

Yeah. I feel like it would be really satisfying to actually kill someone then because I'd be like, I pushed through it. I took care of it. My fatality is stemming through the eye with a sword. I have a sword. Oh, yeah, okay. You've got to press X to execute fatality is stemming through the eye with a sword. I have a sword.

You've got to press X to execute fatality. Then it's like, are you sure? Are you really sure? It's not too late to back out. Press yes if you want to not kill them. Can you not kill them? Can you just go? Yeah.

I guess in a way you're killing two people because you're killing the person and the kind, gentle soul within yourself. Yes, correct. Does it get easier? So if I'm going- Oh, absolutely! After the first one, it's easy as there's no hesitation. That's cool that there's a weird wrong lesson.

Nothing has changed the amount of holes in the ground, my friend. Just gotta get over the hump, the death hump and you're good. I'm after the first, like after the first fatality, it's like, that was difficult, I'm already going to prison, might as well go out on top. Is that your, is this something we should figure out for me and Dammit as well?

You know, the like, you won screen where you do like a cool move and say a line, is that your line? My first line will be like, why have you done this to me? And then the second time I'll be like, it was easier now. In for a penny. Yeah, in And then the second time I'll be like, it was easier now. In for a penny.

Yeah, in for a penny. That's good. Maybe less it's easy now because, yeah, maybe it is like after like, because I'm just thinking like in movie trajectories, there's a lot of times or even like some video games occasionally do it where like the character really grapples with like the first killing and then after that. Yeah, easy.

Like turning on the lights. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It yeah like what if it ducks back yeah exactly so but maybe we'll go a little harder than that there's like I don't know let's say like eight fights in the tournament

maybe after the first three then my character becomes really nonchalant yeah that's good maybe it's like there's blood on my hands and I think you gotta do it

in like a bit of stages the first one is the grippling with grippling grappling with grippling grippling with the weight of killing someone. The second one, you're almost comatose.

Like you're shocked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you can't really do much. Like the second fight's always going to be harder for you. Yeah, yeah. Because you are in shock. But then the third one, you're like, you're coming out of it. Yeah.

You're like, this is actually fun. Maybe going through some stages of grief. Yeah, yeah. Like denial. I didn't kill him, did I? He was going to die anyway. He had high cholesterol. That was not on me. And by the time you're hurting deeply inside, I think you'll want other people to feel that pain. Yeah, exactly. You gotta get that sweet spot of anger and stay there. And there'll be PTSD and stuff like that. So that will, you will often snap and,

and then you'll probably have sort of, you know, like black, you know, like black spots in your memory. Yeah. Yeah. You can't remember some things you'll,

you'll go, it'll be like, you know, Joel Dusha verse whatever. And then it'll just be like victory. And you'll be like, I didn't remember. Next to you will just be a person whose skin is open.

Maybe occasionally, maybe the last couple of levels that are just occasionally taking straight back to the start. Yeah. We're reliving that same fatality over and over again. Or it's like you always start and it's the second fight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you've already done it. You've already done it. And then it's weird.

Every time I play as Teldusha, it's always one less fight. Yeah, yeah. But then towards the end, things get real weird. Yeah. And then maybe if you pick you again after beating it once it's just like straight to the end and you do a victory pose and cough out someone's teeth or whatever you're like what's happened to this man once you're eating people's jaws i think that's just embrace that demon the game is me it just comes up do you feel like a big man? Yes, no.

I know, but that's when you've really found your voice. Once you're just sort of waking up and you've eaten parts of bones and things like that. Eating teeth is really a moment you can't come back from. Because even eating human flesh, sometimes you need to or whatever. You can bounce back. You can bounce back. But eating teeth, you're like,

I did that for the thrill of the game. The crunch. I did it for the crunch. There's no reason to eat whatever. You can bounce back. You can bounce back. But eating teeth, you're like I did that for the thrill of the game. The crunch. I did it for the crunch. There's no reason to eat teeth. I mean, there's nothing crunchier than teeth. There really isn't. You're getting two crunches at the same time. Their teeth and your teeth. And it's cool because you're proving

your teeth are superior. You know what I mean? That's awesome. Not only are they still attached to your face, they're beating these weak teeth. Really, the best way to compare teeth, I think, would be if you did, like, a Spider-Man kiss and you got their whole chin in your chin. You know what I mean? And then you had their, and they had the vice versa,

and then you bit down. Yeah. It's surprising that that type of fighting doesn't already exist, where it's two people trying to bite off each other's bottom jaw. That is shocking to me that no one has done that before. I mean, in all, you know, like UFC is supposed to be, MMA is supposed to be the uniting of all fighting styles, yet not one fighter who does that yet has appeared who dangles from the ceiling. Yeah, when they introduce it, like, you know, MMA is supposed to be the uniting of all fighting styles, yet not one fighter who does that yet has appeared

who dangles from the ceiling. Yeah, when they introduce it, they're like, you know, this person, mixed martial arts, you know, karate or whatever. Jackson, biting off the bottom jaw. Bottom jaw biting style. Yeah, and I come down, you know, on a rope upside down. What is the optimal mouth for this? Is it a big bottom jaw and a small upper jaw?

Well, you want to have a wide enough mouth that you can fit a whole chin in. Because I don't think I can get douche's chin in my mouth. But you also want it kind of like long so you can get your teeth over their teeth and then to bite down. A lot of chins are deceptively big, though, because there's either hair or flesh there that actually once you sink your teeth into you'll penetrate quite quickly. Yeah, very true. And then you'll just be hitting jawbone and tooth. And then if you're powerful enough you'll bite the whole jaw off.

And that's when you win. Then you shake hands and you say good fight old chap. Just the sensation of like your tooth or teeth just slamming into other teeth and then yanking with your mouth. Oh, yeah.

Unpleasant. Strong neck. The sensation of hitting teeth when you're kissing someone, which is just like a relatively gentle tap, sucks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So imagine the violent, like intentional violence. Not violent. Like, okay, this crazy maniac is biting my flesh and that hurts.

No, no, no. You wouldn't even be thinking about that. You'd be thinking about tooth on tooth action. That's where you would be. Not me, I'd be thinking about the win. I think that one of the most satisfying parts would be if you're biting into somebody else's jaw and your teeth slide in the gap between their teeth.

And you're like, yes, I got him gap yeah and you're like yes i got him because now you're locked in and then you go for the like the final chump to break through the bone you put your feet up on him and push backwards like a backflip off their chest with their jawbone in your mouth possible given the way we've decided this way. Oh, that's the way, way, way you. Yeah, but maybe there's another person above you who's trying to fight off your feet or something like that. Yeah, it's a tag team. So you're locked in, hanging from the ceiling, locked in. The other person's

standing on the ground and then your tag team person just runs up and does like a double kick in their stomach. Go on! And then it's whoever we get two double kicks in the stomach and whoever separates, you know, sort of wins. That's really nice. Yeah. I think that'd be cool.

Maybe that's, maybe I'll pivot and I'll just do that. That's a great model combat move set. Fatality. Fatality. An unpleasant thought experiment. It's all there. Gora's forearms will not stand a chance against this.

No, he ain't got four jaws. Exactly. Scorpion could do it because he's got that rope in his, in his arm or whatever. And so he ain't got four jaws. Exactly. Scorpion could do it because he's got that rope in his arm or whatever and so he could shoot to the skull.

But scorpions would be easier to get because he is a man who is just a skull face. Yeah, exactly. His skeleton face is on fire. That could be singy.

Hot mouth. Hot mouth indeed. But you need a lot of sort of like jungle curries and things like that first to prepare your mouth. Yeah, exactly. I wouldn't even notice it.

I just feel delicious bone on bone, that's all. You know what the problem is with eating fire, though? It's when it comes out later on. Wrecks the toilet. All of the water dissolves. You get hot steam up your arsehole. That's always the worst. That is the worst part

of shitting actual fire Both cheeks are red raw from the heat Initially it's pleasant but then it gets a bit too much You're only really training your mouth for the heat You're not the flesh of your soft behind Gentile behind gentile i mean your butt's not jewish

could be yeah i'm not saying it's not okay for your butt to be jewish i'm saying i'm saying this person in this scenario their butt is not Jewish. I don't have a Jewish butt. That's true. Only my mom's butt was Jewish. So technically it has to be your dad's butt is Jewish in order for your butt to be Jewish.

That's how it works. That's it. Jaw biting aside, what's your what's your reason well I think there was you know the reality show

um Married at First Sight yes I think this year when they were doing it they were trying to not get anybody who was in it for just

to like the fame the fame for being an Instagram influencer yeah and so because they banned those people

from doing that I'm going into Mortal Kombat for the for the Instagram follows. What hashtag would you use? I don't know, beauty, you know? Hashtag beautiful. Hashtag blessed. I don't know.

It feels like, you know, I don't know if Mortal Kombat would help, but I mean, no, it probably would. It would definitely help. I guess it depends on the viewership that it's getting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you might get a different subset of viewers. Well, that's right, and that's what you hope.

A lot of people who a lot of the time aren't thinking about how beautiful they are. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. And so I think that a lot of my special powers would come from the artificial things that I've had put, you know, the work done that I've had done with my body. Sort of the fake abs put in. The fake ass, a big sort of plump fake ass. Very plump. Very beautiful. Yeah, but you know, to have it so that you

can still squeeze the ass. Yeah, of course. And get that, you know, use it as a kind of like as a vice, you know, breaking walnuts, but then bigger things. Yeah, yeah. Fists. Yeah, that's what I was thinking as, you know, Blue Can goes in for a punch, you pivot your character between the cheeks and you crush his hand like a walnut

hashtag blast you jump and you're horizontal your butt facing the sky and the arm is not just in it's not like the hand gets stuck in it's the whole arm is the length of the butt yeah

through along the crack like that and then you grab that whole arm you rip off jack's fresh new metal because it still has a flesh connection to the metal so it's like he's not protected from from a butt yeah yeah and also if you're going for metal arms Can an arse be so juicy That Jax's metal arm is crushed I think so It's like dropping Getting it in my butt In between my two butt cheeks It's like dropping his arm to the bottom of the

Mariana Trench Crush your solar mass It crumples in And you just effectively shit it out in front of him. Well, it's not entering the anus. No, no, but visually for Jack. It wouldn't for a moment look like I am just standing there shitting. But actually he realizes the turd is actually his crumpled arm.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's got to be a demoralizing moment. Oh, yeah, yeah. Man, did that guy just shit iron? No, wait, that's my arm! You're like, oh no! They just miss because you're missing an arm. I think a benefit to

getting punched in the face for me would be every bone that they crush is just another bit that I can get reconstructed to be closer to my perfect shape. You're kind of getting punched beautifully. So your perfect shape what is that well that's what we're discovering along the way it's sort of i guess it gets you know

there are limits to what how the skin can sort of be reshaped and your ideal beauty is like a like an old apple i guess yeah yeah i suppose i mean i guess i guess eventually i would want to be looking like michael jack Jackson was near the end. Oh, yeah. I was thinking go the other way and just become something that's just the other. Like it's not human, like a big tube. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, well, you know, I saw that once on a documentary where they were talking about body modification. And the guy was just, he was getting a bigger and bigger scrotum.

Oh, yeah. And it's just that thing where eventually, like, he pulled out and he showed it to you. Yeah. And it was just, like, two giant water balloons. Like, I mean, like, it was all in one bag. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it was just, oh, it's no longer, it's no longer trying to have big testicles. It's to just have something big and something different. Well, if you do that

to your whole body, then surely the moment you're punched once, you pop like a water balloon. And they're like, I'm out. That was horrible. I quit. The closer you are to a balloon,

the closer you are to being able to be shaped into any animal. Oh, my God. Balloon animals. That's true. Balloon animal scrotums. You shape your scrotum into the form of, say, a wolf.

Yeah. Now you just get dragged along by your nut wolf or whatever. Your nut wolf. And that kills. As it tears into sub-zero neck

or whatever like that. Yeah. Because it's important. If you actually reach the optimal balloon shape, yeah, you're, well, especially in this situation,

you're a scrotum. Yeah. It actually gains sentience. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People don't know that. You'll take on the properties of the animal that you are balloon shaped. Yeah, you're, well, especially in this situation, you're a scrotum. Yeah. It actually gains sentience. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We don't know that. You'll take on the properties

of the animal that you are ballooning. Yeah, it's essentially Beast Boy. Yeah, yeah, from DC. Hashtag blessed.

Hashtag blessed, yeah, blessed boy. Which would be my name. Yeah, of course. Hashtag blessed boy. I can't wait to see

ATB win Mortal Kombat. Hashtag blessed boy. Hashtag wolf scrotum, you know. Hashtag bless boy. I can't wait to see ATB win Mortal Kombat. Hashtag bless boy. Hashtag wolf scrotum. It's really horrible to imagine because it's not like it doesn't have teeth. You know what I mean? To imagine like nuts in the shape of a wolf biting your neck. I don't know what that would feel like. I think any...

I can't fathom. It's like being in prison. If you fold something enough times, you can get it hard like a knife. And so it's just it's sort of a scrotal origami yeah yeah essentially which i know which if you that's what balloon animaling is basically it's just uh sort of rubber and air origami yeah yeah yeah for sure and that's you know i think in a way you're not only entering Mortal Kombat and impressing everybody, you're kind of advancing science in a lot of ways too. Science, anatomy.

I would be, even though I'm becoming the perfect human, that's my goal, I am sort of greater than human. Eventually, once you're the greatest, you're actually above humans. So whilst you are a human, you're still above them. humans yeah so so whilst whilst you are a human you're still you're above them you know you're you know and there's never a clear there's never a clear separation between one species and another you know any new species their mom was of that speed of the other species and you're the new species exactly and that's you it's it's your ascent to godhood basically yeah and it's and again and the moment that your origami wolf scrotum just rips

the neck out of an actual god like Raiden it's confirmation that you not only are you above humanity but you are actually above God and it's pretty nice to think and if I get to go sit on his cloud or whatever he does I already for sure get to do that

and think about how nice that would be to just have your Gigantic scrotum resting on a Fluffy cloth Here's what I feel for you is that as your scrotum gets more and more powerful You ATB Will get weaker and weaker and weaker Smaller and smaller and more and more shriveled

Eventually Just sort of looking a bit like a shrimp Just on top of a sack of A sack of sort of flesh a bit like a shrimp just on top of a sack of flesh. Like a grapevine where the grape is so huge and then the vine is kind of withered. Yeah, that's how I imagine it.

I'm scared of this nightmare situation where maybe your scrotum becomes so big and so malleable and you become so dehydrated and drained that maybe you and your scrotum switch and you become the scrotum of this new human. I think that would make sense. Eventually I will just dangle beneath it. Like sort of clinging

to it like a new kangaroo that's just born. Heading up to the pouch but I'm not heading anywhere. You're just dangling. And you will be expected to become a wolf. And you will bite the neck out of a god. Eventually this god creature who was my scrotum at one point,

will go to its own sort of scrotal mortal combat. And it will look for an advantage to win that. And the secret will lay within me, who is there shriveled. And it will start feeding me salt water or whatever I was putting in my ass and scrotum to plump it up. It could be gel. It's a lot of options. We don't know. And then eventually

it's a kind of beautiful cycle in a way. We each kind of give each other a leg up. And then eventually I'll go to sort of scrotal shrimp. I think entire religions will be built around it. Exactly. It's how to achieve oneness within yourself. Basically how to see the God within you

It's a beautiful thing And then you eventually get a book deal Yes! Exactly, 100,000 followers on Instagram Yes! Goal achieved I mean, you'll never be satisfied That's the problem

Still pretty good There's nothing to sneeze at I can't fathom what your fatality looks like Or any possible moves. Just imagine a man being eaten by a nutsack. Oh, okay. I mean, I think if you think about, you know, I guess the ring can only be so big. And if you're on one of those ones where it's surrounded by a fall on either side, you're just bringing in my scrotum.

From off screen. Push out the competition. And they're just on the character select screen, they'll be you and your scrotum taking up two little boxes. It's just that big. Can't contain it all. Yeah.

I guess I'd pick you. I'm definitely picking Blessed Boy. Hashtag Blessed Boy. None of the other ones really are. I don't think I'll ever reach enlightenment with any of the characters at all. But I can imagine reaching enlightenment with hashtag Blessed Boy

and his powerful nuts. Yeah. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. And I've been Alistair Trombley-Burgel. And Alistair, you have a Comedy Festival shirt coming up. Like a natural good one, maybe. Oh my goodness.

Look, let's hope so. It's looking pretty good. It's called Teleport. I'm doing it with Andy Matthews. While this doesn't seem like a selling point, it's a fake engineering presentation where it's two guys who are kind of dumb kind of brilliant engineers who are trying to sell the audience who are potential investors to teleportation technology so you know what something might go wrong along the way oh no yeah it could be it could be a real craze and speaking of you and andy yeah you have two podcasts yeah well that's right thank you's right. Thank you very much.

Thank you very much for reminding me. No worries. Yeah, we have a podcast called The Pop Test, which is part of the ABC Radio National, which seems very legit.

I watch a science quiz and we have a bunch of guests, comedians, and then scientists on and we talk about a big topic, but we summarize it through dumb questions. Yep.

And then we have our passion project, which is just two in the think tank, which is just me and Andy coming up with comedy sketch ideas. And it's very fun. Yeah. And there's been a lot of Sandspan's guests on that. Yeah.

If you're looking for an in, pick one of those episodes. Yeah. Yeah. It's a, it's, it's, it's a lot of fun.

And I feel like there's a lot of crossover in the kinds of things that we do. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Thank you so much for coming on. Thank you so much for having me on this wonderful podcast. Program. Program.

It's a program. Y'all ready for this? Hey, are you just fucking starving for new Sandspans content? Like, you've listened to every episode of D&D is for Nerds twice, you've devoured all of Shut Up a Second, you can recite Plumbing the Death Star episodes word for word. Well, do you know where there's a bunch of extra content you haven't heard yet?

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