Plumbing the Death Star - What Would Your Ultimate Crime Fighting Super Power Be?

Episode Date: March 19, 2017

In which our heroes have an existential crisis, control bacteria and just give up as they discuss what the ultimate crime fighting power would be.Want to come see Movie Maintenance and Plumbing the Death Star Live? Just head here https://www.trybooking.com/OXLV to grab your tickets today!Purchase your Sydney Comedy Fest tickets right here; http://www.sydneycomedyfest.com.au/single-event?show_id=1546! Want to help support the show?Patreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Duscher: twitter.com/dusch13Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio. Three guys are hiking through the woods and they find a lamp. One of them picks it up and rubs it and out pops a genie. It booms, you finally freed me after all these years so I'll grant each one of you three wishes. The first guy immediately blurts out, I want a million dollars and poof! He's holding a printout that shows that his account balance is now in fact a million dollars. The second man thinks for a bit and he says, uh, I want to be the richest man alive and then poof! He's holding paper showing his net worth and it's well over a hundred billion dollars. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish. And he says, uh, I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life. And just like that, his arm starts rotating. The genie tells them it's time for their

second wish. The first guy says, uh, I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on the earth. And then suddenly a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm The second guy says You know what, I want to be good looking and charismatic So that I can have every girl I want And then suddenly his looks change And the first guy's wife starts flirting with him The third guy says

I want my right arm to rotate counterclockwise Until I die And then just like that Now both his arms are rotating in opposite directions The genie tells them that it's time to think very carefully about their third wish. The first guy says, and he goes, And foof! Just like that, his complexion improves, his acne's gone, his knees no longer bother him.

Second guy says, I never want to grow old. You know what? I want to stay 29 forever. Then like that, foof! He looks younger already. The third guy smiles triumphantly and he says, I never want to grow old. You know what? I want to say 29 forever. Then like that, foof, he looks younger already. The third guy smiles triumphantly and he says, my last wish is for my head to nod back and forth. And then foof, genie's wish, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men go their separate ways. Many years later, they meet up again and they chat about how things have gone. The first guy is ecstatic. He says, I've invested my money and I've multiplied it many times over. Me and my family are amongst the richest people pretty much ever. My wife's a freak in the sheets and you know what? I've

never so much as gotten a cold in all these years. Second guy smiles and he says, well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth. I'm still the richest guy alive. And also, you know, I'm revered for my good deeds. I'm a good person. I haven't aged a day since we last met. And he looks at the fellow, the first fellow, and he says, and your wife's pretty wild in bed as well. The third guy walks in. He's flailing his arms and he's nodding his head, and he says, guys, I think I fucked up.

Hey, everyone. Our next live show in Melbourne is all sold out, but we're working on opening up a few more tickets. So if you missed out, just head on over to Try Booking and put your name on the waiting list, and we'll see what we can do. But our Sydney Comedy Festival show, Plumbingpalooza, isn't sold out, we assume. So just head over to sydneycomedyfest.com.au for info on that, and to grab your tickets today. Also, Jack is on Cynical Cartoons this week

chatting about his favourite anthropomorphic dog, Scooby-Doo. Side note, we got my dog Maladie a stuffed teddy of Scooby-Doo and she's, like, eaten the top of his skull. It's really disconcerting. We also gave her a pug stuffed toy and she ripped off its face and ate the stuffing from the back. Should I be worried? I feel like I should be worried. Anyway, you can check that out. Just search for Cynical Cartoons wherever you find good podcasts. Now, enjoy the show. This week it's, uh, well, it's something.

Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Flumming the Death Star, where we ask you important questions like, What would your ultimate crime-fighting superpower be? Okay, right, so, ground rules is that, so you are, I would say, a detective of sorts. Yeah. Or maybe like a wannabe cop or a cop or something like that. But the stipulation is that you have a superpower to fight crime with. Okay. So, specifically to fight crime.

We can't be like, oh, I've got the superpower and also it gives me a million bucks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. So, it's fighting crime. All right. So, my superpower. Question. Just a quick clarification. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. So it's fighting crime. All right. So my superpower. Question, just a quick clarification. Are we a good guy?

Or is it like a... So are we more like a Superman? So where the cops are never after Superman? Or are we like a Spider-Man where it's more of a gray area? Or are we a Batman where vigilante and cops would arrest us if they could? I would say you might even be like hired by the cops. Okay, so we're... Basically, be hired by the cops. Basically, you're on the cops' payroll.

We're a Batman-Superman hybrid. Is it a power-by-power basis, though? So, like, different powers? So, for example, there's this comic book series, I think it's called Chew, and the guy's power is that anything that he eats, he gets the memories of. Okay, yeah, yeah. And so he works for the cops, or he gets the memories of. And so that's, he works

for the cops, so he's a cop, and he does that. So that's the kind of gear that I kind of want to try and see what's the best sort of superhero that we can become. Well, the best powered person that we can help fight crime. So, with that in mind, it's very similar to the... With that in mind,

my superpower would be that every time that I ejaculate it, Oh, yes. Think with your dick. Clever. That I live the life of the potential sperm to then kind of live that life to go into the future to understand the crimes that are happening in the future right

so to like live an absolute complete adult life right and then at the deathbed as soon as that person dies I wake up oh and then I understand the future

oh alright so that was And then I understand the future. So that was a strong one off the bat. So it's like you live your life, but every time you come, you live another life. The moment you come, the child is effectively, the you child, is effectively born that instant. Your cum baby. Your cum baby. That cum baby, it's like I hop into an alternate future where that sperm would have reached. But are you a baby?

But my question is, say you ejaculate at 2.30 April 2nd, 2017, Saturday. Yes. Then at 2.31, say, is that when you start living the life? No, it'd be the nine months later. Oh, okay. Oh, God. So you're a baby at first.

Yeah, you have to live this whole life. That's a bad power. How is that useful for crime fighting? And then when that person dies- He's seeing 80 years into the future. As a baby, you live those lives. So he's solving crimes like 20 to 25 years in the future. Nah, you're

old already. You're gonna... You're 30 now. You're not gonna be old enough to witness proper crimes after being born for like 10... Yeah, but they don't have historical records. But are you gonna know the right place to look? Well, I guess that's the risk. That's the risk.

That's the risk. If you're not a cum baby, but instead a cum teen, then... No, it's got to be the living the potential life of... You've thought about this so much. Living the potential life. It's stressing me. Because the problem there is, every time you ejaculate, there's thousands of sperms, right?

There's thousands. Yeah, true. Which one do you live? Just any of them? Or all of them. Are we right now, every single one of us, are we all a cump? The dreams of a man who has superpowered semen. I don't want to be a cump baby.

Jackson, we're all cump babies. No, we're cump men now. We've cum babies. No, we're cum men now. We've grown up. No, but here's my question. So say I'm the police. Yes. I am so excited for the follow-up to this. So yes, you're the police.

And Joel's there, but every time he ejaculates, he becomes his cum. I don't know how I'm going to use that to solve crimes. So what I do is, I'm jerking off, right? As soon as I ejaculate. We put you in the special room. No, no, no, I don't have to. As soon as I ejaculate how I'm going to use that to solve crimes. So what I do is I'm jerking off, right? Yes. As soon as I ejaculate. We put you in the special room. No, no, no. I don't have to, right?

As soon as I ejaculate, I like, then my essence or my, I walk out. I don't even walk out. I just, I'm that baby now. I'm like a baby. Nine months later. I'm like, nine months later. I was like, it's born. I'm a baby.

I live a life. You're going to remember childbirth. That's no good. I live a life. I might not have to. It's like I have the brain of a baby. So like, I don't have that memory. So you're proper reverting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I live a have to. I have the brain of a baby, so I don't have that memory. So you're proper reverting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I live a whole life. I don't know about me, right? But then as I die, I wake up, and there I am with the memories of 80 years with my limp dick in my hand being like, okay, all right. I've got to process this. I get it now. You're like a precog. You're like a fucked up version of a minority

report precog. Because you could come to say, hey, I'm Jackson, the police, and you come in and you're like, so I've done this. This person is going to commit a crime. Then I go and take down that person because we know that in the future you've seen to commit a crime. Then I go and take down that person because we know that in the future

you've seen them do a crime. I'm like, you know, because again, we all know about, you know, like just living our lives. We know about things like serial killers and these kinds of people. We can kind of understand that we might pick up things even subconsciously.

If a cum baby had found out about Jeffrey Dahmer, we could have saved a lot of lives. Yeah, exactly. And then it's like, all right then. And then I'm like, all right have saved a lot of lives. Yeah, exactly. And then he's like, alright then. And then I'm like, alright, give me half an hour. Do it again. We could take down so many people. But here's a weird issue.

Every single cum baby lives a different reality. Yes. So we're not really arresting people that will definitely commit a crime. We're arresting people that have the potential to commit a crime. The potential of a crime from that point onwards, I guess. Yeah, but like But like, yes, the cum baby's interference of that world may alter it. Correct.

Because if I have a cum baby and one becomes president, who knows? Well, like, no, what I mean is You would regret having that wank. I know so many secrets. I know so many secrets. No, that'd be good. Here's my question. So, okay. Say you I don't many secrets. No, that'd be good. Here's my question. Okay.

Say you... I don't like this. No, I'm loving it for the scary potential. So say you're a cum baby. Okay. And in this cum baby life, you witness a serial killer. A person's done a lot of murders, whatever. Okay?

Now, we take down that serial killer in the present. All right? Next cum baby lives in a different future from that particular cause. We altered it. Yes. So you're. Okay. No.

So he only lives from my understanding. You only live one life per calm. Yes. Yeah. Not one life per, but it doesn't matter because he's come not one life per sperm. Yes. But his journey,

the knowledge that you've given the police, will change the next journey. Yeah. Correct. So you're not really arrest... You know what I mean? What happens if you wank as a cum baby? How many cum babies do you have?

Oh, this is the question. Does that... Because if superheroes are... Jaws, I'm a... Inherited, right? So question. Does that... Because if superheroes are... I can inherit it, right? So then there's that potential that my cum baby, that potential of that cum baby or potential of that baby

could have this same ability. What if you impregnate a lady? Then I have a child. But you live as the child. Well... Or is it... You're your own boy. And then... And then you die. And then I witness... child well or is it you're your own boy and then i like and then i witnessed i witnessed my own death because it's like that was the death of my father and then i live an

extra like 40 50 years i die and then i'm back to me being like i I know what my child's going to do with his life. I don't want this. That's crazy. No. That's real bad. Please don't. You've ruined. Not. A broken jack. But yeah, like, yeah.

So you pregnant someone. Then like, yes, you become that. You would then become that child. But you're raised by yourself. So you're raised by yourself. Right. So then you would. Boba Fett parable.

And then, oh, fuck, no, because what you could do then is, right, if you then like, oh, yeah, I know exactly what it's like to be my son or daughter, so I know the exact kind of mistakes or things or the right things that my father did, you could then be like, I know exactly what to do because I was my child. I know how my child saw me i know all the unfairness or anything like that so then you could then become like a good father like a really really good all messed up father i don't know no no no wait yes because if you're your own kid and then when you witness your own death so no no no wait no. Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait.

No, okay. Let's just hold. Okay, so we'll have Joel. Yep. Prime. All right. So then let's say so. Okay.

So then we'll have, so we have a pregnant someone. So we have a baby and that would be, say, Joel Jr. Okay. So JJ. JJ. Perfect. Cross that out. JJ.

JJ. Okay. So then JJ will live His life Your JJ So I am You will live JJ's life

The consciousness Is JJ right So But I don't know that yet So like As soon as Joel Prime Ejaculates like Oh I love you hon

And I guess you're pregnant maybe And then like We'll then live that life If that Oh that has to happen Every time we have sex No Anyway

So that happens Yep So that happens And that one is, that has to happen every time we have sex. No. Anyway, so that happens. Yep. So that happens. That one is actual. It fertilized an egg because I was pregnant. You did it. Good job.

I did it. Well done. Your dick still works. Yep. So then I would have to live JJ's life, or at least JJ would live JJ's life. But JJ wouldn't know this. JJ would just be JJ. JJ is just JJ. JJ is myself.

This is my personality. This is me learning and that kind of stuff. Because I've regressed from a, like, I have no memories of being Joel Prime. Oh, no, wait. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. No, no, no.

Because you haven't answered the question I was going to ask. But then I just figured out the answer. So I was going to be like, so you come. Then you're your own baby. Then you grow up and watch yourself die. And then you, but your baby, then you grow up and watch yourself die, and then you... But your wife is still pregnant. Yes.

So then you raise the same kid, but from the other perspective. Yes. But then because I... Give me something to hold on to. All right! But then because I live JJ's life, I know kind of what's going to happen as a father.

So then I can be like... No, that's bad. I can just be like, I think there's something in my ape brain that is rebelling. Like some ancient part of me has woken up and is like, no, no, pull the pin, Jackson.

My frontal royal, actually, it's like my neocortex is on fire. So yeah, so you basically like- Because I was worried. I was going to say that my original question before i just realized the answer because every time you have sex with someone you're gonna be imagining what would happen if that thing not even matt you would be living if you had um that you know gotten knocked knocked up so then you would be like what

if you liked one kid more yeah well you'd be them so it wouldn't matter that's true you would just like that version of yourself better. You'd have so many different experiences. The first time it happened, I would never touch my dick again. Every single person, that come baby, that potential, is going to be a child of mine.

So every single time, I'd be living that child's life. You've watched yourself die so many times. I've watched myself be a father so many, so many times. I'm experiencing so many lives. No. You've got to chop your balls off, Sam.

And also, I'm still worried. I still have this very, very big stress of your cum baby then making its own cum baby well yeah as i was saying hang on before that you'll live like thousands of years then because you've got to imagine if if superpowers are inherited there is a chance because that's the thing it's a chance yeah so it's like for example i'm thinking like kind of mutants like if you're a telepath and you have a child it doesn't necessarily have to be a telepath. It could just have claws. So each of these potential babies, when they grow up to be like teens or whatever, they have a

potential to have different abilities. But then what if one of those abilities is just like his dear papa's? What if his abilities is every time that he ejaculates he becomes a cat? But that's you. So you're doing it again and again. Imagine this. You live in millions of years in the future

And you die, and then it's like Back to the present The mental toll that's taking on you I know not just about future crimes But I know like Future, future, future crimes I would be like, as the police, I'd be like Son, you are of no use to us

Please go Your brain is a liquid Potentially. But you could stop so much. No, no, we're not talking about case by case here. We're talking monumental events that have changed humanity. We're talking about stopping giant potential attacks, natural disasters to have the forewarning.

But like on a grand scale. That's too much, Sam. Perfect crime fighter. No, you've gone a grand scale that's too much then perfect crime fighter you've gone too far it's too perfect crime fighter no you're gonna kill yourself yeah why not no because like imagine the moment he does his thousand year flyback he's gonna be like grab the nearest handgun from a cop and brap, brap, two in the brain because you're not ever going to be mentally powerful to survive that. But it's not like... The thing to snap back to the present wouldn't happen because it would be like a chain. So like...

Oh, yeah. Yeah, because like it'd snap back, but it only snapped back for 80 years. And then that person would leave his life and then he'd snap back. So you'd only snap back, say, 80 years. And then that person would leave his life, and then he'd snap back. So you'd never go back. Why would you ever go back? You just keep going forward. Yeah. To the heat death of the universe.

But that's only if that, like, each next generation has that particular power. Because there's a slim possibility. But if there's one thing I know about you, you cum a lot. That is true. So, but then again, it's like, because basically you could almost, there's a finite amount of cumming, but I guess you could just keep going. No, but like. But like every time you ejaculate, there's more and more of a chance

for your cum baby to have the same power. No, but even like if we're just fucking ballpark, just playing it safe just so we don't get into nitty gritties on a public... Alright, so once a day, yeah? I was going to be like, once a week since you were like, hit puberty, which would be

like early teens. Alright, so let's say once a week... Just so that we're not going into nitty gritties even though you said once a day. Okay, once a week, I'm slowing down. Once a week. So we'll say I was a late bloomer as well. We'll say 15. So 15 to 30, so 15 years.

So 15 years. Times 52. Jack, you doing this? Yeah, 15 times 52, 780. So 780 times. Now times that by the average lifespan of 70. I don't know. How many years have I lived?

54,600. And that, Joel Zammert, is if none of those babies also have cum babies. Yep. So I have lived 54,600 years. Double that. Case just one, Doss. 1,009. I mean, 109,200.

So, uh, that's a lot of years. I'm getting you a vasectomy. No, 1,009 I mean 109,200 So uh That's a lot of years I'm getting you a vasectomy No I don't know if that'll do it Chopping your balls I'm just gonna shoot you in the head You are not meant to be

You don't know You don't know As cops You're like with this guy He just We give him a little bit of privacy And he comes back He's like

These crimes I hate it I'm levelling with, I cannot stay, it does things to my soul it feels like I've never been able to relate to like it happens with Watchmen and stuff like that

where people are like, science, you've gone too far I get it now I feel like I haven't blinked this whole time. You know, often they'll be like, you see an eldritch horror and your brain can't comprehend it. Yes. That's what this feels like.

Yes. Both me and Jack just have like a thousand yard stare and we're not looking at each other. Very, very uncomfortable. It's very... And I know my choice will never top that. It's better for fighting crime, but it just pales in comparison. It's so tame.

The thing is, like, so yes, yes, I have lived in a cumulative 54,600 years. But it's kind of been, like, the same sort of 70-odd years, give or take. Life would be so... Like, death would be meaningless. You wouldn't fear death. Well, you know what the French call an orgasm. The little death. That's what you'd have to call yourself. The little death.

There's a lot of cleverness to that name. I'm back on board. I have nothing to do with your apartment, but I'm back on board. If you've seen my face, just imagine a very sad version, but with blood coming out of my nose and my eyes. That's me right now.

I'll give you a tissue. So 10 out of 10, gold stars? Yep. What's yours, Jack? No, I still, I'm not ready to leave this yet. Because. What I feel like is that for actual crime fighting. No, it's terrible for crime fighting.

Because you're not, you're getting a global idea, but you're getting one perspective every time. And also, like, one man doesn't have the power to stop a global travesty. No, but if it's kind of like... Say you live your crazy life, and, like, 150 years from now, there's an event that causes, like, a new king.

But it's not 150. Basically, it's in 70-year increments. Yeah. Because that's basically what you want. Oh, yeah, that's a good point. Actually yeah that's good actually you don't actually as i'm saying you don't actually go that far into the future you just live 70 years but the same 70 years but i guess what i mean is that like the crimes you're gonna help stop are like what you're like i saw on the news that a guy named jeffrey dalma did a lot of crimes and then in the police database we gotta be like i guess we gotta try and find that guy so but but not just that we're gonna

be good for serial killers no serial killer like no i don't want to use real life events because i feel that it's just cheap when there's real life events so let's just say a terror attack attack say in and some really important buildings we know what you're getting had fallen down because some things happened So that Because again It's not something That's in the global consciousness Or then again

Some of the bombings And then there's like Jet fuel can't melt steel beams But then I guess What actually is gonna Jeff your cum Can't melt steel beams Jeff your cum

Won't melt steel beams I'm like Alright That's a weird Jet fuel So basically You actually have to have one tragedy actually happen before the cops are like, this guy's onto something. If you came to me and you're like,

hey, 9-11's occurring, I'd be like, get out. I'm not going to believe your cum lies or whatever. And then it does happen, I'd be like, I might just be like a terrorist. Potentially, but then it's like, I can improve this. So, you know, and then kind of... That's a threat, you're going to jail. Well, then I'd spend all jail jerking off and I'd be fine.

I'd live my own life. Well, there is no punishment for you except for death. And then would my children be like, my dad's always in jail? Actually. Hmm. Yes. No, because like in some like instances, so say you're just ejaculating in jail.

Yes. Like you masturbate and you come in jail there's no potential mother there well that's the problem this whole thing and it needs to kind of so if you have a partner so it needs to kind of like uh suspend the disbelief to have that potential of that child so it needs to be that like a potential child so that needs to be that sort of potential of like oh yeah so in theory that would only work then if you had like a partner no like you can you just gotta you gotta assume that the moment he orgasms he comes out of a vagina somewhere i was thinking the reverse of this would suck like if you're a lady it's not like an orgasm brings about a time you just menstruate every month every month oh god and

then it happens it's not as good i've heard they're not great as is. Yeah, I've heard the same. Although that'd be so fascinating. Every month, like clockwork, you'd be like, here it comes, time to live my life. I would fucking OD on the pill like it was nobody's business. Like, yeah, I've not had my period in 12 years. Doctors hate me, but.

It's not worth it. I'll be honest with you guys I guess I guess you've got potential But I think what's weird about yours and what's funny Is for as horrible as it is The actual potential of it's quite small Because it's not the kind of thing where you can stop crime

No It's just helpful pre-cogging Yeah Oh pre-cum That's a good name Anyway Pre-cogging. Yeah. We're kind of like... Oh, pre-cum. That's a good... No, that's a gutter good name. That's another good one. Anyway, it'd be, yeah, pre-cogging my way through history. Yeah, but you can't...

So, like, the pre-cogs in Minority Report, they can be like, well, here's a specific crime that's happening. All you have is the hazy memory of the person you were. But then it's going to... That was like, oh, I didn't get anything from that. No, I'll be back in five. Let me get another go. I guess you just keep going.

No, because you're living a... You were just the mental toll that would take. Also, fuck, we did not take into consideration you being like, I'm going to masturbate twice in like 15 minutes. Because your 55-year lifespan is... Do you have to take like a break? That was once a week, like 55,000 years,

and that was once a week for 15 years. There's no way you were only masturbating once a week while you were a teen. You might just go insane. Correct. You're gonna hit a million. You're gonna hit a million years old. Yes. But then like, just the oh man, nah.

Nah. It's wrong. It's wrong, isn't it? It's so wrong. It's just like the worst thing you've ever heard. I've literally never been so unhappy. Like if someone asked me what the worst memory of my life was. Right now. It's happening to us as we talk. My brain has never been so angry at itself.

It's kind of bubbling like you boiled it. So out of 10. Negative 400. I want to put that as an 8. I think you've given me a tumour. As an 8? An 8 for the little death? The little death gets an 8.

Jackson, your turn. So, and mine's just so fine. But I thought Aquaman can control the sea. What can I control to help solve crime? And then I thought, well, the body is mostly bacteria. So what if I could control people's bacteria? Oh, no. I hate this too.

Then I could find someone doing a crime and just be like, stop their bacteria. They can't move. Put them in jail. I guess the problem there is that you have to go out and find people doing the crime. I just go with the cops. Okay.

Generally, the cops aren't the ones. Well, in my mind, this was before I knew I was a detective. See? So in my mind, I was just a basic cop. Can you talk to bacteria? Huh? Can you talk to bacteria? Yeah, yeah.

Like Aquaman can talk to fish. I can talk, because the human body is more things that aren't the human body than the human body. So if you could like in weirdly be able to shut out every one of those screaming at you and be able to like kind of talk to them on a weird like communicating level here, you could then be like, all right, we're looking for this thing. Or you'd be like, I can sense there's bacteria. Let's say that it's a fucking, I'm fucking,

if you can come into the future, I'm a gun at this. I can stand on top of a building with my hands extended and I can just be like, let's find the crime bacteria. I can be like, hey, who's killing another guy? And then they'll be like, oh, I am. So what you can do is go to a crime scene, right? And then you can see some of the bacteria that's there and be able to like, okay,

where are you from or what's going on? What do you know? And then from there you could go on and... Exactly. Plus controlling people, you know, hey, somebody, we need to get a confession out of him? Control his bacteria. Fuck him up till he tells. I guess it's like a torture thing too. A little bit. That's alright. You're a bad bloke. That's nothing

compared to coming into the future. No, it's not. I'm... If anything, mine's alright. You're a bad bloke. That's nothing compared to coming into the future. No. It's not. I'm poof. If anything, mine's lovely. Like No, cause Zammett did raise kind of a nightmare situation where like, there's a lot of bacteria. Well, it's gonna be a

screaming sound every time I'm like time to hack into a person. Yeah, okay. I'm just gonna like work my way through until I can find the one bacteria that's not fucking talking shit and I can be like, hey, fella. How much bacteria do you think is on a person? Heaps. A person is more bacteria than person.

Yeah. Yeah, so it's going to be. No, the moment you use your powers, again, your brain, your ears would just turn to goo. Your brain might not just as much as my brain might. Plus I could probably get them to, you know, maneuver the body. Surely.

Get in the bloodstream, would you? Get into the muscles. Twitch him toward me. I think... I think you're killing him, dude. Because bacteria is like such a delicate balance. Or it's like, oh, you've got an upset tummy. Ha ha! Make you vomit

and shit yourself. Guess who's got celiacs? You now. To be honest, so imagine this. There's a hostage situation. The cops, they don't know what to do. They can't get in without the hostage just dying. They're like calling Jackson. I come in. I don't have a fancy name.

I'm just Jackson. I'm on retainer. Bacteria boy. I come in. I'm like, yeah, what's up, cops? They're like, okay, there's a fella in here. We need to stop him. I reach in. I'm like, yo, bacteria, get in his stomach.

Shits himself. Falls on the ground. The cops can come in and get him. Like, if you had the power to make people shit themselves, I feel that might be more useful. No, but I can make people vomit. I can give people disease. If you're the bacteria.

How quickly can bacteria give you a disease? If you get your bacteria from your, so in your human body, here's a little science lesson. Yeah. Bacteria is real. You have bacteria that can only survive in one section of your body and keep you healthy. If they get into another section of your body,

you might die. Yeah. At any second, things can go terribly. Because like, I'm assuming you didn't just get and mask your powers like that no you look like you've aged 40 years i like i'm glad you recovered from that jackson because i bounced back yeah because you got excited thinking about bacteria man um yeah so you would just be murdering, like, I'm sure,

at least 100 people before you controlled your powers. Yeah, whatever. Like, that's going to be, like, cops, bad, but the benefits I could bring. We won't mention the first part of this episode because my brain's still not ready for it. But you're not a superhero. You're a supervillain.

You're not solving crime. You're committing them. No, but I can do it to criminals. I feel you might be more of a supervillain. Straight're not solving crime, you're committing them. No, but I can do it to criminals. I feel you might be more of a supervillain. Straight away, yeah, because you're not going to get a chance. Vigilante. Yeah, at best. Police aren't going to hire someone who's committed a hundred murders.

Well, okay. Accidentally. A hundred manslaughter. Wait, how do they pin it on him? They don't know. They don't know I have this power. Until he says, hey, I can do this thing. I'm just like, I can make villains shit themselves.

Or throw up on command. You know how I've always wanted to teach your dog to vomit whenever I clicked at it? Yeah. That, I could. You robbing a bank? He's all yours, officer. I feel that might be a better power. It's the same power.

It's all the same power. It's just varied. I can make someone shit themselves. I can make someone power. It's all the same power. It's just varied. I can make someone shit themselves. I can make someone vomit. I can give someone a disease. I can kill someone. It's less dangerous if you can just point at them and make them vomit. I assume at this point I have perfect control.

Yeah, but because at first you didn't. That's my issue. Yeah, but the thing is, like, he can cover that up. Yeah. I can be like, hey, cops, I always knew how to master it. What are they going to be like? How many superheroes do you know that would be set in sound mind after committing a hundred accidental

murders? If Jackson was a superhero, I'd be alright. Yeah. I'd be fine. Your whole entire family would be dead. I wouldn't do it to them. No, you'd accidentally do it to them. What I'd hear is them screaming all the time. You got cows in your house? Yeah, I'd practice on cows.

Practice on cows, whatever. A couple die. Just like a serial killer. Practice on a few cows Practice on cows, whatever, a couple die Just like a serial killer Practicing a few cows, dogs, cats, whatever It's fine And then I'm working for the cops I'm like Hannibal Less pleasant and less like Erudite

Hannibal was a very big villain But he helped the cops a bit Yeah, but he was still eating people While he was helping the cops. Well, I'm still practicing on cows. You took wrong message away from everything. Don't say you like Hannibal. I'm a good guy.

I like Hannibal. Look, you know what, Jack? I was in your corner. Damn. Now I'm not. Damn. So, so far on negative 400 out of 10. But also, I'm wondering.

Zero out of 10. I'm wondering if bacteria, when somebody's. Eight. You're not getting an eight. I'm getting an eight. You're getting a negative 400. You broke brains and upset everyone. No one's happy. Fuck off. Negative 400.

Write it down. Alright, look. Either negative 400 or perfect 10. I feel like people's bacteria are going to do weird. No one cares about your bacteria. We're back on this now.

Why did we go back? Because I'm still unhappy. It's the BVS of superpowers. It's either amazing or very terrible. No, because BVS at no point did BVS upset me so much. I didn't want to go back to shit. I was happy living in my bacteria world. No, I wasn't happy with that either,

because you've murdered so many people. Back to bacteria, you've murdered people. I was going to say, surely, if I can feel the bacteria of the city, when their heart's racing, when their blood's pumping, the bacteria, I'll be able to tell what that is. What about the bacteria of yourself? I can feel that all the time, but I'm on good terms with my own bacteria.

I feel that there's got to be a point. I wonder if I can make my own bacteria make me super strong. Potentially. Surely that's how bacteria work. Split this stuff. Yeah. Yeah. I think my main downside is that I don't really know shit about bacteria.

That's a potential, but I feel like, kind of like in Game of Thrones. Okay. You know where the blood raven ends up becoming a tree? Well, I guess not. You know the guy who's like- He's a tree now. I know the fellow who's a tree, yeah. In the books, he's like an actual, like he's one with the trees.

Okay. In the TV series, just like he was sitting among the trees. He became a tree. I don't know what's going on. In the books, he's like part of the trees, morphing the trees. I feel you would very slowly but over a course of a while become bacteria. I'm down for that. You would then just be in the bacteria.

Like eventually when my body rotted away. Because you'd be supercharging your bacteria because I know that you'd probably do that. If I could. Yeah.

Figure out how. So I feel like you'd like rot away like without realizing it. I'll be a cloud of bacteria. Yeah. See that's alright.

You'd be like in our swarms at Nazi bees. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because then I become a guy I go to the cops

same situation. Dude's got some hostages I'm like hey fellas I'm the bacteria. But every time you'd look at him, he'd be slightly just moving wrong. And then I'd be like, I'm going to hop in that fella. My bacteria joins his bacteria. I walk him out to the cops, fuck up his legs.

He falls down, the cops can take him out. Then I'm into a cloud of bacteria again, off to save the city. I know what you're like, though. If you had these powers, you're not using them for good. Oh, I thought I had to. Do I not have to? No. The question was the best superpower to fight crime.

So I would argue. Hang on. I'll just read. Hang on. It's all about grammar. The best superpower to fight, in brackets, crime. What is the ultimate crime fighting... What was the ultimate crime fighting superpower?

I'm pretty sure it was the episode title. Damn! Can't get you on grammar. Unless you go, what was the ultimate in brackets crime, fighting ability, and then it's a maths thing where... No, actually, that doesn't work either. You have to put everything... Bondass?

You're talking about Bondass? You have to Bondass the question somehow. No, whatever. If I have to... You'd have to put the rest of the question in brackets, but then have the crime outside of brackets so that you read the question first. Yeah, whatever. I'll do that.

No, if I can commit crime with it, I commit crime with it. Yeah, we know. No, that's what I'm thinking. Because you're not going to fight crime is my issue with it. You're not going to use that to fight crime. But I have to. By the nature of the question, I have to. The ultimate crime-fighting power.

And if I'm fighting my crime... It doesn't have to just be Jackson using this. It can just be anyone. Yeah. Anyone can have cum bait. No! Nope, nope, nope. just you and then you die. You find out you have it and I put

a Glock in your head. Just fucking eight bullets to the brain. I just unload, I reload, and then fire again. Nothing would please me more that on your deathbed, right, that you then die and then you just wake up as your father is hovering above a toilet like, no, no.

Oh, shit. When you said put a Glock through his brain, I imagined the whole gun. I'd shoot him once, then put the barrel in the wound, and then just fire, unload. Get deep in. Get rid of that awful, awful brain.

No, actually, I wouldn't put a Glock through your brain at all. It'd be through your fucking balls. Blow them clean off. Then all the sperm would go everywhere. What would happen? I don't think sperm works like that. I feel like it does.

I'm going to say it does. Overruled. Objection. No, I have a tent. Just live like you're thousands of multiple lives at once. Does sperm count as bacteria? Can you join my swarm? No, I'll just swarm around the city. Well, if I have to fight crime,

which by the nature of the question, I have to fight crime, then the way I'd fight crime is that I'd basically possess people with my bacteria swarm. Why did you pick something so unpleasant as well? It's fine. I want to say that your power there is reactory. Yeah, well, it kind of has to be. Unlike yours, I can't precog.

I can't find out where a crime is happening. But if I'm with the cops. But you can also, if you have, depending on how, like, your communication web of bacteria is. Because if you are, like are hooked into that bacteria web, you can then kind of talk to things happening. Is a virus bacteria? Yes.

So say I brought some virus into my swamp. Yes. And then I infected all the criminals. Everyone in the city. Yes. Turn them good. What's that thing that cats have? That thing where they go under a pool?

Gotcha. I know that thing where people have cats and they give people a virus. And that virus makes them love cats. It's like this whole thing. That makes sense. A lot of people have this virus. But nobody realises Potentially

There's like potential links To a certain mental Yeah Like maybe Alzheimer's Is it Alzheimer's Or schizophrenia Or something like that Schizophrenia

I think it's schizophrenia Yeah Anyway so basically like You're that You cat everyone Well what I was imagining Is that so To solve crime

I go to the police station Once And I'm like Hey officers In fact every officer Every criminal i interact with i haven't finished playing the last of us yeah oh i just i feel from what i've sort of i've only like maybe a few yeah several hours in yeah i feel you've just turned everyone into a clicker.

I think I've just... Yeah. This was my issue when you were like, I'm going to use it to fight crime. Even if you didn't mean to be a bad guy, you were going to be a bad guy. I just can't help it. At this point, it's just... Why on earth?

Every hypothetical you like, you just commit some form of mass genocide or mass- It's not a genocide this time! It's a post-apocalyptic earth. Not everyone, they're just, everyone's just a bit me. That's- You've created a- If you were to make everyone you, that's a genocide, because you're wiping out the human race and replacing it with you.

You've created a- Just a bit me. You've created a little bit of a- Imagine everyone has cat schizophrenia, and they have a voice in their head, but that voice is me. Yeah, you've created a hive mind accidentally. I feel that's what... Fuck! Yeah.

Fuck. Yeah, I'm going to put that as a... Hey, what, hey, what, hey? Is there any more crime? I'm going to put that as a perfect ten. Gotcha. Douche. Can you beat us?

Hive mind and future sperm. Our perfect tens. I think I hang myself and that's my power. If you were going to commit a crime, you solved a crime. Perfect. After living on this fucking dog shit earth with the worst people

fucking everyone's a Jackson and there's one fella that's fucking I don't even want to talk about that I'm gonna commit crime so the best way to stop that, I'm killing myself and on that note get me out of this fucking episode I've been Joel

I've been Bacteria Boy. I've been Joel. I've been Bacteria Boy. And I've been the little death. Kill me. Fuck this show. Your name is Kill Me. I hate everything. I'm so unhappy. I'm so unhappy.

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