Plumbing the Death Star - What's The Worst Super Power Your Best Man Could Have? With Matt Stewart

Episode Date: July 6, 2025

Imagine a wedding, but literally everyone was shitting themselves constantly... Or one where the best man had a fresh pair of... "beeth"? Buy Tickets to see Plumbing The Death Star & Thumb Cramps herehttps://cheerfulearful.podlifeevents.com/Check out Matt Stewarthttps://linktr.ee/MattStewarthttps://www.mattstewartcomedy.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ten years ago, I asked my partner Kelsey if she would marry me. I did that, despite the fact that every living member of my family who had ever been married had also gotten divorced. Forever is a Long Time is a five-part series in which I talk to those relatives about why they got divorced and why they got married. You can listen to it now on CBC's Personally. Hey everyone, huge news. Plumbing the Deathsdale is doing a live show. That's right. As part of the Cheerfully Awful Podcast Festival, we'll be performing live at Stupid Old Studios in Brunswick. In Brunswick.

In Brunswick. Maybe like, I forget the street. Yeah, it'll be there You'll know where it is. It's on the website, but it's gonna be at 630 p.m Loving the death star live and oh what what's that? Huh? Huh? Huh? Maybe I want to see I want to be double-fisted by my favorite Three boys. Yeah. Hey, we're here to say that can happen to you because we're doing thumb cramps Yeah, so it's plumbing the in the Death Star, 6.30pm on Friday the 3rd of October, and then thumb cramps, 8.30pm, Friday the 3rd of October. Same room, same venue, there's a bar, come to both shows, drink in between, be hostile! Yeah, yeah, yeah, go get a kebab maybe! I don't know if there's enough time, but there might be.

And if you can't make it to Brunswick in Victoria and Melbourne, that's okay because you can purchase a streaming ticket as well. You can watch it on your phone, your TV or your laptop. And because it's all like, oh, ticket prices are going to be Australian. If you're in a better country than us, doing like better financially and economically, it's going to be so cheap for you. And that means that we can afford bread. Yeah. Yeah. You want us to buy a kebab?

This is how you do it. Yeah? This is how you do it. Yeah, this is how you do it. So to buy tickets, head to cheerfulearful.podlifeevents.com or just simply Google Plumbing the Death Star cheerfulearful or alternatively and fingers crossed, all of this is in the show notes below. Exactly, all you gotta do is scroll down and the link will be there.

Tickets are $30 for each show or if you're coming to both There is a double pass available, which is both shows for $50 wonderful deal If you are part of the bad brain boys or thumb cramps plus, you know You're a paid subscriber to any of our shows. There is a discount code It is in the discord in announcements use that we're not gonna reveal what it is here because that would defeat the purpose Yeah, exactly Defe defeat the purpose. Yeah exactly Defeat the purpose yeah Hey, once again, just google plumbing that out start cheerful here for check the show notes

October 3rd stupid old studios part of the cheerful little podcast festival tickets are limited So if you're thinking yeah, I'll go to that but I'm gonna wait three months to buy tickets. I would not recommend it Uh-uh don't do that. None of that especially because I think in three months the show is over Yeah, you missed it. Yeah If you're gonna wait two months also don't do that Anyway, Plumbing the Death Star, Cheerful Airful Podcast Festival, Thumb Cramps, Cheerful Airful Podcast Festival, Superdoll Studios, Friday 3rd of October Be there! Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Flaming the Death Star. I'm Joel.

I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. And today we are joined by a very special guest, the beautiful Matt Stewart. That means a lot, thank you so much. God, he's handsome and beautiful. One of the most beautiful guests we've ever had, I would say. I would say so. I really needed this, I didn't realize it, but this is doing things.

I know you're taking my piss, but it's getting through. People keep, it's really upsetting. People listen to the show and they think we're mucking around or having a joke. Sincerity? Yeah. Sincerity? Both. Both are good words to use in this context. It's fine. we love both words.

That's just what we're aiming for here. Exactly. We're trying to have a sincere time. There's no irony to this. And people keep commenting LOL and LAMEO. Raffle cop. What are they laughing at? Where's the jokes?

I'm baring my soul. Anyway, Flummy the Death does a comedy butt-puncher podcast that asks important questions like what would be the worst superpower for your best man to have? So you're getting married? First of all, congratulations. Well done. Someone loves you. Someone loves you enough to enter a legal binding in the eyes of the government. I wouldn't, but someone has. And you've picked your best man, whether it's your brother, it's a dear friend. Your dad. Your dad. Can you pick your dad as your

best? You shouldn't? I think you can. No. You know what? This is a conversation that me, Jackson, and friend of the show, Mr. Sunday Movies have had a big discussion about. Can your best friend be your dad? And if so, is that normal? I don't think it's normal. How old? Wait, how old are you? Adults. You're both adults.

Both adults. You're 36 and your dad's 58. That's probably Okay, I think that's good. I think that's definitely like I would say my dad's one of my best mates I love catching up with dad. I would say my dad's a good friend. Yeah Like if you're okay, I first off I'm like, I like that as an almost 40-year-old man ranking my friends. And it's great to be like the number one coveted spot. And I'm like, who's your best friend? Dad.

Dad. No, I don't like... No, no. But I don't think... I like that. I don't like it. I think it's fine to like... I think I'm friends with my dad.

But I just don't think I have a best friend anymore. You don't want to take it I don't want to say my dad's my best friend of all a listening When we leave the studio I forget When we leave the studio, I forget Jackson exists. Who the hell is this guy? Who's calling me? I put my phone down. But I would say, you can be friends with your dad.

I think it's good to be friends with your dad. That's not what we're saying. Best friends? I mean, I actually have a bit in the show about... What show? Please tell me. This is a great time for a long time. What are you talking about? Oh, it's just funny that you brought up the topic of best man because my new show that's out on YouTube before or after this episode comes out on the stupid old channel.

Probably after this episode's out. Oh, well, it's gonna like do that thing where we can all watch together. Whoa, whoa, huge! Premiere, premiere. Yeah, roll out the red carpet in your lounge room Yeah, but I do have a bit in it that is sort of spoofing the idea of I Really want it. I want to pop their eyes the product Booth in the idea of growing adults ranking their friends You know, I find it to be such a funny thing for adults to do.

Yeah. You're my best man. You're my best friend. You're my second best friend. Yeah. I mean, that happens when you get married. Yeah. No, I know.

Because you've got to be like, here's, yeah, best man, best friend. Yeah. And even if you do groomsmen, you have to pick to be like, again, it's like, yeah, there's groomsmen, sure. And then there's also politics. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's always there's always like go to invite my wife's brother who sucks Yeah, probably should ask her we get a divorce Like that you say yes actually you do yeah, we're waiting planning that kind of yeah

Okay He's gonna be the best man and who's gonna be like, you know, the groomsman. How many groomsman you get is often depending on how many bridesmaids. Yeah. And all those kind of things. And then you go, if you have a destination wedding, you're like, wow, who can go? Who can go? Who can make it?

And then you rank your friends. Yeah, then you gotta do it. I'm very lucky, I think, that I have a brother that I quite like, that I'm friends with. So I don't have to worry. Friends with your brother and friends with your dad. You can be friends with your brother and dad! No, that's fine, but in my head I'm thinking like, best friend dad, second best friend brother. I'm like, oh, I don't know man. And you're an adult.

Yeah, all of a sudden Zamit's going, how hard are you working to rule me out of the top three? Yeah, what the heck? You're taking blood relatives? You're taking anyone. Next to me, your childhood pet. And my cousins. Don't worry, you rank higher than my cousins. Good. Because Ryder, I can say,

oh Ryder, my brother, you're my best man. And I don't have to worry about which of my friends will be my best man. That's not a concern. Now, groom. Now groomsmen. That's tricky Yeah, if I got four groomsmen, but then you've got what I pick you've got MC is another fun one Oh, which I've done a couple times. He's a good one. It's like times Three times Who ended in divorce

Would you reckon if your speech is any better? I wonder yeah, or maybe it was too good. Yeah, you know Maybe he is the best man Maybe I should be looking at other and the number three are we like are we on the rocks? Yeah? How's it doing? How's it doing? I think they're gone strong. Okay? Most recent when you were best man, huh? Yes Let's get to know most recent when you were best man. Yeah Sticking yeah, just like I was also I was the flower boy at my sister's wedding. She's divorced. Yep I've got a real a strange track record. Yeah, what about the MC? Yeah How'd those go? How does this well?

One is still still going strong. I'm trying to, now I'm trying to think of it. There's one marriage I was a groomsman for, but I was the third ranked of the three. And I knew, because I didn't, it was the first time I'd been a groomsman, I think, and I didn't know about ranking as much, but I was, at the rehearsal, I was standing on the altar, we just sort of stood where we stood. I was in the, I stood in the middle. That's where we were when I started. And the groom had to come on,

sorry, do you mind standing out on the. Oh, that's so funny. Yeah. That's so, to physically rank you. To physically rank you. Yeah, we need to move you there. On stage. Just in case something happens

and we've got to like digitally edit you out. Yeah, yeah. You're like a groomsburt but on the bench. Yeah, that's right. Second drop. That's so funny. Good drag. I mean, yeah, I'm glad that I found it that way.

It's an honor to be involved. To be even selected. But it was, to me, it was like, it was, you could tell how awkward he was feeling that he had to physically Yeah, was it a ranking or was it a hype thing? Oh, no, because we I think that we landed in a high order It was full rank it was a yes absurd because like who's that for is that so that the people your great-grandma Mark and be like, oh that guy's more important than that guy. I see the friend politics Yes, but also the other guy was his brother Brother gets that's an automatic

Brother is like it. That's the politics thing again. Yeah, like well brother beats best friend best friend No, that's brother Well in this case, we're just one example, but the best friend was the best man. Yeah, brother was the second best man That's crazy. That's not how I would do it. That's normal style. Yeah, because you love your dad and your brother more than everyone else. Exactly. You've already ranked us and we are clearly at best third. I was in, I think, look at like looking at back from a distance now I reckon I was in the lifelong childhood friend. Yep.

You know? So it's sort of representing. I scored an A. I think his best mate was from uni or something. And I was a primary school friend. Well my best man changed, I guess, for each wedding. Yeah. Oh yeah, that's true.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. One you... Well one, because it was like I was a lot younger. So yeah, it was like getting high school friends and that kind of stuff. And that one ended in divorce. Yeah. And then... This one, not yet was like I was a lot younger. So yeah, it was my like, you know, high school friend Yeah, that one ended divorce. Yeah, and this one not yet First one did he did you have to call him say I'm not gonna use you again this time I can see him every kind of like once a year Yeah, but like again, it's one of those things as a childhood friend you kind of like, you know, you grow

Yes, they're apart asked you to be my yeah, man Jackson, and then yeah JD and Adam were my arm groupsman That's right. Yeah Okay, that's the only time we've been a groomsman being an emcee there, and I scored that for the life lifetime friend, bro Oh nice. I've only been a cameraman Yeah A camera man? MC's a second. What? MC's a job. MC's a job with a bit of an honor. A camera man is just That's like, hey we don't want to invite you to the wedding. Also, you know how to use a phone?

It was my aunt's wedding in like 2012 maybe? I cannot. And I was given a camcorder. A young nephew I think. I cannot say. And they said they filmed the wedding was anyone was there anyone else? Was anyone else filming and taking photos other people taking photos, but I think I was there professional they're taking photos I believe the professional was taking photos. They didn't ever they had me for filming. Okay, what did I film? I don't remember

You is Evan Monroes with a friend of the show. Yeah Friend of the network. Yeah, absolutely. He can be. Definitely a friend of the network. Yeah, he can be. Has he been on Plumbing the Death Star? He's not gonna make you Jackson's best man, but maybe, I don't know. Maybe I should make Evan my best man. He's, cause he's a like, you know, his job for a long time has been behind the camera.

His job is here. And he, but he will, he's, maybe not for a while But yeah, he would often get asked at weddings. He was already invited to to also Yeah, I think eventually he was like that's like we put it just coming in yeah, yeah Well, they like can you and I'll pay I? Reckon not not necessarily Quick podcast yeah I reckon not necessarily. Which is great. Hey, could you do a quick podcast? I'd say you hate this wedding. I don't think people, I just don't think they would think about it.

I got paid for being an MC. But you're basically going, do you want to work unpaid? At a day that otherwise, where all your friends are going to be. Yeah, I got paid to be an MC. Oh really? But in a, well, paid but not with cash. They gave me like, no, no, no like it don't make sense in this With favors

Open bar Oh you got invited in the honey man suite Yeah yeah yeah it was crazy Is it like a thank you card? It had like a food and wine voucher and like a voucher for baby hot That's nice You know what I mean like it's paid but it's not like you It's more like a thank you You got paid in kind You do that with you know you grooms when you best me yeah

Thanks for coming. Yeah, I think I paid for my accommodation to back. I remember that's nice Does that does that mean like they had people donating gift cards to their to the wedding fund or something? Yeah Well, they gave it to me the night before like as in the night Okay, like the same night as what it had an open presents. Cause if they had open presents, I'd be like, you got these gifts and you're regifting them, you pieces of shit. It's like, I don't know what I'm going to do with this. But thank you. Why are they giving you a JB Hi-Fi voucher, not just the cash that-

I don't know. Well cause one's more like a classically- Cash is the best voucher of all. Cash actually is king. Agreed, agreed. However, there is a certain subset of people that think cash is too impersonal Yeah, so it's good. So a gift card is like I've thought about yeah, and this is nicer even though. It's more arty Yeah, it's annoying the bride doesn't have a like a use-by date. Yeah, exactly. He's cash wonderful

Yeah, I let the bride wrote a joke about one of her group Bridesmaids and I said it and then the bridesmaid had a huge snipe at me when I walked past and I was like I don't even know who you are. That's awesome. It was awesome. That rules. Causing problems at a wedding. It was like that and it wasn't even my call.

That's so funny. The bride was like, oh. She was upset? Or like proper upset or a joking snipe? Back in the same setting and went back. It was somewhere in between. It was just like, it was like very, cause it wasn't into a microphone. So it was just for me. Oh, that's wasn't into a microphone, so it was just for me

Oh, that's awesome. She wasn't like fuck you. Yeah, she was just like that would have been funny Yeah, it was like it was like something like the most like classic wedding thing of like and this brother this person blah blah blah It's a bridesmaid and yeah, we've been able to tear away from a bottle of red wine Yeah, thanks so much for that Yeah, cuz so much for that. I was like, appreciate that. Oh yeah. Yeah, cause the sponsor was in that night. Yeah. Yeah. You like really ratted me out.

And you gotta cop that because you can't be like, no, no, no, that was a bra, you can't throw that in my face. No, I couldn't even be like, hey, I don't know you. I've never met you before. I'm like, I read your name. But maybe that's why she was so cut. She's like, this guy didn't even fucking know me. What a first impression. Throwing bombs my way. What the fuck. Doesn't even know me, knows But maybe that's why she was so cut. She's like this guy didn't even fucking know me. What a first impression.

Throwing bombs my way. What the fuck. He doesn't even know me, he knows about my drinking problem. What the fuck. Imagine if I fall back there and she's like, oh thanks a lot. I'll be like, fuck you. I love the idea of doing like MCM and just like kind of doing like a crowd work but in salt-covered. You get on stage and you're like, that's an ugly grandma. Hey everybody. How we doing today? Like insult Okay, this is a super power I think it'd be worse to for my best man to have man to have. I sort of like a radius around him. Oh no, whenever he speaks, everybody gets food poisoned. If you hear his words, you instantly get...

It's like if you eat an old shrimp. You've gone for... absurd. See, I was in the same kind of vein of being like, his teeth were bees. Okay, so every time you open his teeth were bees. Oh, okay. But that's fine because they just fly away. No, no, they're kind of contained. And you'd be like a loud droning of buzz. Oh, so you can't really hear what he's saying. So, it's one of those episodes where maybe it would have been a good idea for us to, uh,

figure out where a good starting point would have been if we're starting with... Diarrhea words. Diarrhea words and teeth are bees. Yeah. Well, no, because I just think... So, I guess like the premise here would be to get everyone in the right frame of mind. You've asked your best friend who is not your dad or your brother because that's weird. We decided. Yeah, was anyone on the discussion being like, no, it's normal?

Yeah, I think that's fine. To have your dad be your best friend? No, no, no, I think- I don't think it's normal. I think it's unusual, but I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I've got no moral obligation. I mean, obligation. Why did friend of the show, James, no, I don't think it's normal. I think it's unusual, but I don't know moral obligation I had a friend of the show. Yeah Good oh my god. What did you James was of the same opinion where he's like, it's absurd, but I will not judge Yeah, yeah, and I was like, it's absurd and I am

I'm on team job here, but we've picked our best man. He's our best friend Yep, and then on a couple weeks out, he fell into some toxic waste. Okay. And he gets you on the blower. He was on the way home from the pub. Oh yeah, coming home from the pub, he fell into a toxic dump, and he calls you up, and he's like, Hey, I don't know if this is gonna affect the wedding. But my teeth are bees.

I've fallen into a vat of toxic waste. And I've gotten a superpower. And well, you're never gonna believe it. You're never gonna guess what's happening You can potentially I don't know if these bees are still gonna be able to produce honey. Yeah You know, maybe yeah, maybe this he's got a high The one I was gonna go with which is not more grounded because it still is make-believe but it has a yeah very clear reference point what if

Your groom's your best man fell into a vat of toxic waste? And when he got out, he had the liar liar powers. Oh, he can't lie. He can't lie. That's a wedding I want to attend. That's dangerous. I do not want to attend Jackson's Shitting Yourself wedding. Yeah, fair enough. That seems bad, no matter what happens like knowing like

everyone knows if they listen to the guys I say I'm just gonna nip to the toilet so I'm not in the right place he calls me on the phone tell me does it work through the phone he says hey Jackson I got some bad news and I go, can I call you back? And you're going, I don't believe you. Oh no. Can I call you back? My stomach's in his nose. That's what I want to talk to you about. What? No dude, I'm about to shit my pants. I'll call you back.

And then I'm on the phone to him shitting my guts out. He's like, I'm doing that to you. Stop! That's funny that you were just saying anything at all. Cause I was thinking, and obviously if this is the worst, then you win. But I was thinking like more specific words, like whenever he heard the word wife or love or something like that, then he did a really loud audible fart.

Okay, that's bad. So I've softened it on both sides. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's awkward. It's like, my beautiful wife. Who did that? My new, I'd love to introduce my new wife. Oh, that's too fast for that sentence. Does he know he has the power though?

Cause then he could just talk around it. Yes. He could be like, your beautiful Robacar. Yeah. Who you quite like. Yeah. Who you're fond of forever. But if he's hearing the word why. Oh, yes. beautiful Rebecca yeah who you quite like Forever yeah, he's hearing the word. Why oh yeah, I guess it's just like my you know and I'm doing board impressions all night

Impressions still get a big run in a wedding Hoffman then yeah, yeah be fine. Yeah What can we flip it for a second just to get a like a You know get our bearings. Sure. What's the best superpower to have? super strength No one's noticing what he's saying because he's spinning a car Yeah, yeah, yeah Especially if it's one of those weddings where they're dancing on a chair Oh, it's like a Jewish, like a, what do you call it?

I don't know Is that a Jewish chair dance? a what do you call it? The great plate smashing would probably go crazy I think the Jewish chair dance at bum bit spurs. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's I'm having a wedding bum Why is strength because he could do the chair dance that's just him? Oh, why was the chair dance good? Yeah, if you've got super strength. I would say eloquence. To me it would be eloquence or the power of, you know, with the gift of the gab. Oh, okay.

You've kissed the Blarney Stone or licked the Blarney Stone or whatever. You've just, you've fallen and sucked out that Blarney Stone or lick the bar The best man for this evening it's not sure who um if people are unaware he's actually eating part of the rosetta We didn't realize that the Rosetta son had that power, but he figured it out. He's figured it out. He tongued the Rosetta's phone, now he's tonguing, now he's speaking in the tongues. Stones of the world. You name a stone and Matt's like, his tongue has been around that stone, alright? Stonehenge?

He's wild. He's licked it up dude, and it's helped. It's well? Get ready for the speech. So, okay, let's go back to Lie a Lie a Wedding. So, I think that it seems like, I think that this one's really bad because it does seem like

it would be something that would be super manageable. Like if your best man's like, hey, I can't lie, this fucked up thing's happened. And also no one's beli- it's not a thing you beli- like it's so easily proven everyone's getting Sick when you let's we we get that we can see But this one's the one where people people be gone mate honestly knock it off Yeah, I want to but I have to have a question with like a liar

But then also like yep, sorry answer this and then I'll go back to what I was gonna say why it's bad Yeah, I was is it is it can they just not say anything? Yeah, are they compelled to always tell the truth? Well, because you know, I like Exactly So if he's compelled to tell the truth that's really bad I don't feel horrible if you can only tell the, then he could start talking and then just stop himself Yeah, so I think the compulsion is a compulsion Jackson and Rebecca will be together But never mind

Is he a precog? Well, I don't know he could maybe he could just tell the vibe that we you know I've always never really liked Rebecca We you know I've always never really liked Rebecca Because there was one time that I saw her out in the town with another man making air oh my god, please stop saying Yeah, but you could shut the fuck up Take the mark off you know you can't. I've also got super strength in this scenario. I'm running away. I gotta get these out. So is the idea we... No, because I think what happens is your best man's like, hey, can't lie. I'm like, that's okay.

We would just like make like, I mean, that's fine. Why would you be lying in my wedding? You know what I mean? Like it's like, oh, okay. Yeah, that's fine. That is no issue. Yeah. But then there's so many issues. Oh, of course. So many lies that you just like kind of white lies or not even Hey best man, you look great today. Hey, that's you could look better. Yeah Geez your dad's fucking that's sad though. Hey your best friends with your dad that sucks I can't lie, fuck you

It shouldn't die motherfucker. Fucking wedding suck shit. I don't think that's a super power, that's all you. Sorry I can't lie, I just hope you have a fucking lawful day. That's an opinion bro. I want to wreck this wedding. Why? You can't lie and your best man is just a bad dude. He's a bad guy.

A guy, a great guy, who can't lie, probably gonna be okay. He's probably feeling the love and he's stoked for it. He's probably feeling the love, he's a bad guy. Is he a guy, a great guy who can't lie? Probably gonna be okay. Yeah. He's probably feeling the love and he's stoked for you. Absolutely. Well, cause if you were like, oh, you know, it's like, you know, I look great,

but you know, my best friend and who is my best man, he's like, oh, you're looking great. I'm like, oh wow, what's happened? Yeah. And then like, oh, your hair is like, doing this. I'm like, oh, we can fix this. Yeah. That's actually kind of useful. Yeah, cause that could be like, this is, these are my vows. These are great. Yeah, but they're the thing. What do you think fix this. Yeah, it's actually kind of useful. Yeah, because that could be like, these are my vows.

Right. Yeah, but what do we think? Yeah. But just like. Acast powers the world's best podcast. Here's a show that we recommend. What we may be witnessing is the end of the American empire. And with that, Canada has never been more vulnerable.

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You know, like the schmoozing part. Best man's gonna do a lot of schmoozing. Yeah. I feel like that's an under- like an- like a part that people don't really consider. Mmm. Mmm. Because if you pick a fuckhead best man- Yeah, you're in trouble. The wedding- because then people remember that. Yeah, and he's got to play- I mean we talked about this when we did the previous best man episode.

Yes. But he's got to play defense with the mother-in-law. That's true. He's got to give the speech. He's got to organize I mean we talked about this when we did the previous Best Man episode. But he's gotta play defense with the mother-in-law. He's gotta give the speech. He's gotta organize the bucks or hens. What is play defense with the mother-in-law? Well the mother-in-law is getting involved with everything. You know she's trying to run the wedding.

It's not her day. It's your beautiful wife Rebecca's day. And she's trying to get involved. So the best man goes... Best man's hitting the mother-in-law with a shut up you old bag. And everyone's like that's not a truth or a lie. The best man is sitting there being like hey I'm here to like talk to you because you're very ultra critical of your daughter and it upsets them so I need you to not do that. You're actually racking the day. So anyway how have you been?

That could be helpful. It could also go very bad. To hear that my daughter thinks I'm a bird. Oh yeah, no that wouldn't be good. On their wedding day. I should take you to a home. It really depends on the mother-in-law. They're thinking about putting you in a home. I think they should put you down.

Again. That's just you. That doesn't matter. Just you. Fuck you. Eat shit. I can not true. That's just a matter of just you. Fuck you. Eat shit. I can't lie. Sorry. I don't think Once again You gotta go approach the best man and be like Hey man, I know you can't lie, but you're not

I don't know, you've become confused. Yeah man, fuck you. I'll beat that too. I don't even wanna be here. That was a truth or lie situation Piss in the punch Sorry, I can't lie. I might have to call the police Yeah, now is this worse than everyone's shitting themselves. Well, let's explore that. Okay. Okay

I know which I think is funny and I'm like He's been my best friend since we will since we're you know This fucking milk money days. I gotta let him get up there and give the speech You call me telling me that I've got this power Okay Hey, hey Jack what's up? You're not gonna want to hear this Sorry, I gotta call you. Oh fuck. I gotta call you back. I hung up You're not gonna want to Kids just text me, cunt! Text me, fuck! Yeah, this is a real texting Tell me, get this, I'm gonna mess this up

No, I think that the The smart strategy Is call, text, call Yeah, okay, so I call, while you're shitting your guts out You get a text, and say, I didn't miss call I have diarrhea power Second call confirms it Does he recover as soon as you stop talking?

Well, I think it lasts as long as food poisoning 24 hours Okay, Jesus Does he recover as soon as you stop talking? Well, I think it lasts as long as food poisoning Okay, cool bro second call and You get this text message bro, I love you, but you can't come to the wedding but But we've been friends. I know, that's lovely. I have food poisoning for 48 hours. You will kill everyone. You will kill everyone. Maybe this means it's not the worst

because you wouldn't even get to the wedding. Well, but I thought we had to have them there. Okay. I thought that was the parameter. If I can call, you'll do it. No way. If you call and you say, hey, Jackson, I can't lie. I go, hey, that might cause some problems.

I'll probably get someone else. I don't It's my wedding And this name No, but I feel I still genuinely think yeah if you find out that anytime someone hears your best man talk They're gonna have food poisoning for 24 hours per interaction they have with them. It's only one interaction at the wedding though. But that's for everyone. What if you leave the conversation and come back?

Also, what do you mean it's only one interaction? You're talking... Oh, I guess everyone f**ks off to shit themselves. I got to hire so many porta-potties. It is so funny getting home to my wife, my, sorry, fiancé and being like, I've been thinking about the wedding. What's the, like, just the toilet sort of, like, capacity? Why? It's a memory that's gonna bond people together as well.

Because you're not feeling the shame, necessarily. Everyone's gonna remember my wedding. It's like when gastric goes through a food sh- No, they won't, because everyone will be shitting themselves in the toilet. No, I mean, don'll remember it and be like, remember that time we all got food poisoning. Well, people probably won't blame my best man though. They'll blame the cake or something.

But you'll know. It's the secret I take to my grave. As in like the grumble, oh no, no, you ain't coming, you're banned, I'm sorry dude. Well, if it was my wedding and it was one of you, I would blame you for the diary of my family and loved ones. And this isn't just for the wedding either. You've got to live with this for the rest of your life.

Does it affect you? Because you are here in yourself. No, it doesn't affect me. I'm immune to my own power. Can I? All right, how about this, like, hey, can you get a good text to speech program? Oh, that's a good idea. Because you can't talk, dude.

Okay, well, that's a good solution. That's a good way around it I'm gonna annoy you at the wedding. I just like whisper like Black bolts powers, but the shitting yourself come here, and I say you're gonna shit yourself That would be so scary yeah He's the devil that's the devil at this one Speaking of best man is the devil. Yeah, I see the best man smile and he's teeth of bees. I'm going home Okay with the bee teeth Yeah

Is each is the with the beef is each to tooth a bee or is it like a continuous stream of bees? I was thinking like a swarm. Oh, like he has no actual teeth anymore Yeah, they're just like a smal just full of bees full of bees all the time. I need you. I Get his nutrients. So if I Time limit Yeah, the bees get everything for him. It's fine Oh, so they wait for the BAT gets it's fine Okay

If I got say a vacuum cleaner and I tried to suck the bees out of his mouth, would he just have gums? Or does he produce more bees? I think what will happen, yeah, he'll have gums for a mere moment and then more bees will start. Okay. I think once a bee dies, two will take its place. It's like a hydra situation! Okay, alright, fair enough. If you vacuum his mouth, he's gonna have even more

from Being the location of teeth they're doing any other teeth like well. They're chewing for it. I either they're eating for yeah Yeah, yeah, do they never put something in his mouth? It won't be there like you won't be eating the you know those little bread rolls Yeah, the bees will be eating it. Oh, so does he just sit there in the bees leave his mouth eat the thing Yeah, just gets the nutrients. Yeah, which is what honey? Yeah I don't know if they eat flowers. Yeah bees eat flowers to shit. Holy honey. Yeah, bees eat flowers shit honey Yeah, more or less. But they also loves honey? Wasn't there that story a few years ago where like the M&Ms factory or something they went and got

They were taking sugar from the M&M's. Yeah. And their honey became the different colors. Yeah. So it means more than just taking off. Yeah, that's true. It's more than just more than just pollen. I wonder what we think it means when we go to a university that has a subway

and has a drink fountain that's customer facing but has a beehive in it. Yeah. I love that. An experienced beer doosher, ends Amit, I guess, had in our university. Yeah, they used to be like, hey, Zahmet I guess had in our university. Yeah, they used to be like, hey can we just grab a drink? They're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, so here's the cup, just go fill it up. And there would be a sign that said, careful bees, and the thing would be swarming.

It's like, we're not talking like three bees, it's like 50 bees, like a full on hive. Just close the fucking, I'm gonna drink a bee. I don't need Sprite that bad. Oh, I'm thirsty. Yeah, does it- Do we have a class action lawsuit on our hands? No. It's a bit late.

Are you allergic to bees? I don't know. Never been stung? Never been, as far as I'm aware. Why didn't I wonder? I sat on a bee once. Yeah, you had a swollen ass. I did, I got a sting on the bum, yeah.

Do we have a class action against this toxic This toxic goop. We all fell in Are we the best men or we? Interchanges whoever Bats and I still find this crazy and I don't know you both already know this but Matt Did you know that the same goo that made the ninja Turtles, the Ninja Turtles also made Daredevil blind? What? Yeah. The same truck, like the same truck accident. It did both. Which one? What? Yeah. Yeah, dude.

So you know in the Ninja Turtles how they're just regular turtles? They get hit by the goo's, yeah. Turtles that roll around the goo's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That goo? Daredevil gets blinded by the goo. That goo blinded him down? Yeah, so Matt Murdock, the guy from Daredevil, the Daredevil guy, he's standing on the side of the street with the goops and it sprays him in the eyes.

Which one was the second story there? Like... What? Which one came first? Which so... Oh, what did they... Because Ninja Turtles didn't start off as a Marvel. No.

Yeah, so I'm guessing that... When is Daredevil from i don't know the past they would have tied it together that actually checked out yeah when the ninja turtles yeah the parts of the part i think the far part ninja turtle start as idw on control i don't know i don't know or maybe they do start as if i think the turtles was like an independent one so but someone had the great that's a great idea Yeah, yeah, a little sneaky little Yeah, yeah daredevil would have must have watched on the good I have the secret of the ooze to have ripped off. Would you feel yeah, they got

Ranked and stuff. Yeah, I got blind but then I like who you think has the raw deal Yeah, I was happy being a turtle. Yeah, and now I have to like think now my dad's a rat man. Yeah, that's my best friend. Yeah Yeah, actually the winter is their best friend and know their best friends with each other Yeah, and April O'Neil know that who hmm some of the best friends with us some of them want to bone Yeah, what about the guy with the hockey stick? Casey Jones? Sometimes they hate Casey Jones. Why do you hate Casey Jones? He's so cool, he's got a hockey stick. Does anyone want to kill the turtles at some point? You're thinking of Shredder. Yeah, dude.

Not thinking of Shredder. Shredder is cool though. You're thinking of Kang? I'm always thinking of Kang. Kang rocks, dude. Kang's Marvel Krang is the guy you're thinking of. Little brain? The guy in the tummy? Yeah. The muscle robot? Yeah. What if your best man had Krang power? That would be awesome. Which one?

Was the brain or was the whole thing? Was the brain. He fell in the toxic waste dump and he became Krang. I'd be like, yeah, get- Get up there, brother. Marry my wife. Honestly? Honestly, you and my stomach.

What about if your best man is the superpower or if a marriage happens near him, he instantly becomes the groom. So a marriage, when you say I do, there's like a and you swap places and your best man's married your wife and you're the best man. Like, is it a reality like changing situation

where that had always been that way? Yeah, well, no, everybody, it's like he just everyone knows except now. They're both just in love. Yeah So everybody knows and then they go to another wedding and it happens. Yeah. Yeah So it's just like you it's a it's a the power of transposing love. Mm-hmm He transposes love if he's near a wedding. Yeah, he gets sucked into the wedding. Yeah, he tries to avoid weddings Yeah, what happens episode of this? If he's near a wedding, he gets sucked into the wedding. So he tries to avoid weddings? Yeah. What happens- Each episode of this...

This comic book, wedding man. There's a different reason why he's certainly next to a wedding. Okay, so if it's a transferring of love thing, it's weird. So it's like, you know, I have wife, and like, oh, my best friend is getting married, and oh shit, and now I'm getting married to like, my best friend's wife. My best friend is married to my wife shit! And now I'm getting married to like, my best friend is married to my wife and that love has transferred. No no no no no no no no no no no no no no I'm the best man, I'm sitting in the crowd, this is the first time my power is activated.

You're not sitting in the crowd of your best man are you? Well I'm sitting at the table whatever. Jackson's fucked up, he got lost at the wedding. Bro! You're meant to be, brother don't talk to me, just marry your wife. Marry your hot wife, dude. God, I wish I could marry your wife. You say, God, I wish I could marry your wife. And then at that same moment, lightning strikes the... He said casino. Yeah, he's getting married in a casino.

Lightning strikes the crown casino. Yes, lightning strikes the casino. It means a lot to both of us. And then as the priest says and you know, whatever David Smith Do you take Rebecca Smith to be your lawfully already the same? To be your lawfully wedded wife and he says also know someone in real life called David Smith It's a common name. David Grimes, dude. David Grimes.

And Rebecca Blahnie. Whatever, man. That's a good name. David Grimes with Rebecca Blahnie. And when David Grimes says, I do, there's a vo vo vo vo vo vo. And then I'm standing there and he's in the crowd and he's like, wait a second. And his wife's in love with me and I'm in love with his wife. Back in the crowd, he should really stand next to you.

That's a classic spot for the best man to be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brother, come on stage! Come on stage! And you say, I do, and now you're married to his wife. But then, me and- Does the wife, does the wife then- She falls in love with me. Immediately. But you're, but you're, Did you have a wife before? And does that wife get exchanged? If I had a wife before, it's annulled instantly. Okay. But it doesn't get exchanged over to the new, the old husband. No, no, no, no, no. And by annulled, what do you mean annulled? I mean, just magically- She's falling out of love, it out of love it goes because no man is not really a magical thing

Getting then Matt, would you be charged for bigger? money to do that. Wait a second, you're getting then mad. Would you be charged for bigamy? Isn't that a crime? No, I'm instantly magically divorced. Simultaneous. And then me and Rebecca Blynd. Who is reality?

Rebecca Bailey. We were attending the wedding of our good friends, Graham Fearpole. Yep. And Johnny Carson. And Johnny Carson. We're sitting there and I'm like, for some reason I feel like I shouldn't be at this wedding and when David fear for whatever says I do Now I'm get married to Johnny Carson. Yeah, and David Fip and Rebecca Bailey who's now like Rebecca blind They're just in the crowd being like damn. I miss when I was married to

They remember everyone remembers and they still love you and everything. Yeah, but I don't know I'm married to this other person I know memories. It's just that they're like the actual feeling of love. Yes, and it actually just said that you you had a vague Thought that you shouldn't be at a wedding. Well, I didn't really understand what happened the first time but after this one I guess kind of confirmed So that's issue one finishes. Of Wedding Man. And it ends in Wedding Man marrying Johnny Carson. Not that Johnny Carson, it's the person named Johnny. The front cover is like me sitting in the crowd, and I'm meant to be in the crowd this

time, and I have like the Spidey-Sense thing around my head, and I'm looking at the camera and there's a big speech bubble that says, hang on, I don't think I should be at weddings. The exciting issue one of wedding man. The first and only issue published. Canceled. I think like they put a cone on him like a dog. But he's still getting married in a cone. It actually made him more married because the I do's was he heard it even louder in the cone. I'm more married to the I do's was even louder in the I'm more married to the normal your driver the cover of that one your driving past you just like you know Here's some church bells. Yeah, there's a wedding Now I can't even drive a car anymore. Oh no.

It's funny because I would have swapped with the person who was just about to get married. All of a sudden they're behind the wheel of my car. Crashing the car. Yeah. What about if you watch a wedding on TV? Yeah, same thing. What if, okay, as long as it's live, as long as it's live. What if it's not live?

Fictional wedding. Okay, fictional. If it's not live. Yeah, I time travel, yeah. Or I go into the movie. You're about to be married to Princess Diana. Yes, dude. Which is gonna change history forever. Okay.

Because you're probably not gonna want to kill her. Yeah, that's true. Unlike her famous piece of shit husband, the king? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. But that would also create a paradox, right, where you wouldn't end up. No, it'd be a branching timeline.

Oh, sorry, thank you. Appreciate that. You're welcome, dude where you wouldn't end up. No, it'd be branching timeline Yeah, thank you so much. Yeah, that's a big branching timeline guy. I forget I fit yeah, cuz in this time on I hadn't heard of that Yeah, of course, but in this one now, yeah New branches. Yeah Back to the future is not branching, right? There's some branching both. That's what's funny about back to the Future is not branching, right? No, there's some branching. Well, it's both. That's what's funny about Back to the Future is it actually is just inconsistent. Yeah, because Bill and Ted is whatever happens is always happens. Classic. Back to the Future is sometimes that and sometimes not. And Harry Potter's also both. Yeah, yeah.

That's because the writer sucks. Yeah. Every feasible way. Oh, and how. Oh, I am how? What about time travel? No. With time travel, your best man calls you up and is like, hey, it's not quite his voice. It's a bit older. It's like he wouldn't believe. I found two of that in time travel powers.

And I went back to 1946. Good year. Great year. 20 years away from the Science and Apprenticeship Yeah, one year after and I don't know how you'd feel about this Matt, but one year after the death of Adolf Hitler Yeah, I'm running high on that. Yeah I'm also I feel the same way just like we hadn't spoken about it. So I didn't want to assume Actually, I do reference Hitler twice in Best Man.

That's great. I'm not connecting to the worst best man at all. I actually think he's the opposite of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He wouldn't be a good one. No. Worst man or what? I think there's going to be some comments in the premiere of you two-stretch. They might have some questions for you, Matt. So if you're ready to be filled with those.

I mean, like, if he's your best man, then I guess the bar's pretty high for you Matt. So if you're ready to be building the wedding. I mean like if he's your best man, then I guess the bar's pretty large for the groom. He'd off hit Laurie's best man at your wedding. Wow. I don't think I'm going to that wedding. Hey everyone, I know he's got a controversial past. Controversial past? Dying the last.

But yeah, he's the kind of, when you have a beer with him, he's actually alright. He didn't need to get to know him. He's a you know he's the kind of when you have a beer with him. Yeah, exactly Obviously well what if it's a what if it's you know the classic I mean it would really put into call having a beer with Adolf Hitler would really Context you know like people that are bad hangs. Yeah, they would seem so much better like this guys Yeah, don't like the truth. I'm the worst With a guy. Nightmare, blunt rotation. Just hanging out with a guy and you're like, I don't like being around those jambles.

What's the other guy? Himmler? Bad hangs. Talk about joint rotation. Nightmare, blunt rotation. Stalin. I was just like, they're 46, but by now they'd be dead. Let's just say they time travel and they've come back and they're a lot older now, but

they're like, hey, I am still me. I've just aged 40 years. I say that's fine, brother. Dad, you're going to die soon. I wouldn't say that, I think. I say it because I can lie a lot about it. They'd end up being sort of like a dad age, I guess. Yeah, that's true.

And then you'd be accused of being best friends with your maybe not even dad, your granddad. Or like, you know, your time, you know, yeah. Or it's like, you know, time travel and he just pops out and then you get a call. And it's like from dad. You're like, what's that about? It's like, hey, I need to tell you something. What's up, dad? Actually, your best friend.

And I time travel. And I know. I time travel. And I met my future wife, your mother. So you're having your best friend at your wedding. I fucked your mom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.

I know. So your best man at your wedding is actually your dad. I think that'd be awesome, dude. I would fucking love that. To find out your best friend's time travel. My dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He became your dad. Every time like, Friend was my dad. He gave you your own dad.

Every time like, you know, hey, hey, hey, bringing over your best friend to your parents' house, your dad looks at him like, mm. I'd be thinking, how many other people do I know that are my dad? You can only have one dad. One of his time traveling dudes. I raised a stupid boy.

I guess you'd have multiple dads. Yeah, but if one guy's- I mean, I've got two dads. Yeah, exactly. What do you mean? Well. Yeah, but if one guy- I mean, I've got two dads. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. What do you mean? Well, okay, so say one guy- Okay, let's say I'm your childhood best friend.

You're my childhood best friend. And then at a certain point, I whoop back in time and I meet your mom and I'm like, you know, we fall in love. But let's say- I come inside your mother and we have you. But you have the ability to time travel. Yeah. Okay.

So you could theoretically time travel back and become other people in my life. You just there's just multiple zamets existing in the one time period. You could be my dad and my teacher and the man at the corner store. I think that if you had really ruined you. Why? Well, I don't know. But I would just be thinking especially to be like, I'm your dad, so I decided that that's not the end. Like, being your dad wasn't enough, so I've become everyone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just feel that, like, I still... Age. Also, I look the same. Well, yeah, well, I would notice, I suppose. Why does everyone look the same? Like my dad.

That was normal to you. That was just what your... Yeah. That's just reality to you. Yeah, exactly. I'm just used to it. Isn't that not? What do you mean? Everyone... Doesn't everyone look like your dad? that's just reality to you. Yeah, exactly. I'm just you know, what what do you mean? Everyone doesn't everyone look like your dad Yeah, everyone looks like my dad isn't that normal? Right

Yeah, dude. I mean that's one use of time travel. I guess go back in time raise baby Hitler I think I've brought this up before you know, they say would you go back in time and kill Hitler? I think you just raise him right. You just take him out of the car kidnap him take him what about that if your best man was Hitler aged up But when you've raised Sort of like your son Yeah, your best man is your son But my son is Hitler And so is

So you're a nice roving nerd What are we doing? Jackson what are we doing? We're saving a lot of lives, that's what we're doing We are we doing? What are we doing? We're saving a lot of lives, that's what we're doing. We are saving a lot of lives. I got time travel, I went back out a knife of a baby Hitler's car and I said, you know, no. I'm gonna save more lives, I'm gonna raise him right.

I take him out of the situation, he grows up into a fine young man. And then it's my wedding. You don't think there's any inherent evil in Hitler. You think it was just circumstance. It was you think it was neutral I don't think 100% No, very human being is pure evil from the moment. They're born. Yeah, I don't know if we can make that claim What about Kevin and we need to talk about Kevin? Well, that's that's a film That's one evil boy. He's a little boy and the kid from the omen Yeah, what about the omen? But that is okay thing with Damien though is he is the devil? Yes, I'm saying

But he's just a bad boy. A rotten little boy. Yeah, what about that movie where Martin Short plays a little kid? Yeah Okay, what's that movie called? I have no idea. You don't know this movie. Where are you going with this? Well, I'm just saying he's a rotten boy. Are you still talking? No, if you're not, dude, you would love this movie because it's freaky. Martin Short as an adult plays a little boy who's like a wretched little boy that wrecks a man's life. And I watched an interview.

Dennis the Metis? No, no, no. Look it up on your, you don't have your little machine. Martin Short, but he wasn't a boy. No, he was an adult. That's like, it's, and it's weird and didn't do very well because people were like what's wrong with this movie Jack But in retrospect they're like actually this movie rocks and because Martin short is an adult playing like a ten-year-old But he's not aged down. No, no

He just looks like Martin short with like a little kid makeup on and it makes it. It's like a nightmare Does he have like a bowl haircut? And it makes it's like a nightmare does he have like a bowl haircut It's like I like the Jack was directed by the same Made the godfather. That's awesome. It's like a kid's name. It's like Directed Francis Ford Coppola made Jack. I'm pretty sure I'm pretty sure yeah Yeah, man, Megalopolis his own Megalopolis's own. Okay, what about as a bad power? Yeah. And it's a standard power?

Mm-hmm. Invisibility. Where is he? Can't turn it off, he's always invisible, you're like, where is he? It's, you get the situation where maybe everyone thinks he's in the crowd because standing right next to you there's an empty space. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where's the best man?

Or then he makes a speech and everyone's like, oh, he's just invisible. Is he? Or is he like, oh, I couldn't even bother coming and he's calling it in. He's just calling it in. He's just calling it in. He's just a microphone. What if he's invisible and also inaudible? And also we can't, we just can't perceive him. He's imaginary. What if he's got super power, we just fucking hate him.

And when you see him everyone's like, I fucking hate that guy. He gets on stage and you're like, shut up. Shut up. What again, his super power is like a shit voice. Like it's annoying. Hello everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Thanks for coming today! For school, two smoking barrels or whatever! Go home! What if he sounded like Mickey Mouse? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What if he was an animated man like Mickey Mouse?

Mickey Mouse is an animated man. Yeah, there we go. Why not an animated man? Like, oh, Mickey Mouse. Yeah, there you go. I feel like, I can't quite put my finger on it, but I feel like maybe the content of this episode has gotten away from us I don't know about that I don't know about that

I think the Liar Liar one, I think that is Yeah, what? Okay I mean, they're both giving us nightmare stories Can I give you one last pitch? Okay The superpower is again, it's very similar to your power where you like switch your superpower is to just make, particularly is to make your wife or your wife to be just utterly in love with you. That's it. Only love with you. Is in like the best man. Best man. All right. And like that's your own. He's not swapping like with other weddings. Is it permanent? Yeah.

The only power he has is that your wife to be He's in love with it. That's it. Is it something he turns on and off or is it like the moment she sees him? If he wanted to Wedding man Okay, and it's for your Yeah, just but how does it activate Always at the moment he fell in the goo. Yes, then the wedding's off. It doesn't matter. Yeah Yeah, I mean like she does she love me equally I mean, it doesn't love. Yeah. I mean like, does she love me equally? I mean, she loves you, but she loves him more.

Well then they should be together. The wedding's off. What are you talking about? If you find out that your wife, even if she's, even if it's equal, like- But he falls in the goo, you're like, oh, that's weird, I don't know. And then your wife's like,

hey, I've been looking at photos of your best man. And jacking off. And jacking off. Yeah. Hey babe, I've been jacking off the photos of your best man. I think we should call the wedding off. Likeing off. Yeah. Hey babe, I've been jacking off the photos of your best man. I think we should call the wedding off. Like, yeah, probably. What? I imagine she's probably not.

I think she'd be confused. She'd be confused. She'd be like, yeah, I don't know why we've got these feelings. And then like probably you wouldn't call the wedding off anything. It'd be like, you know, you'd get to that. You'd be like nearly, nearly I do whatever. And then we should just look over to the best man. Like I don't, I don't. I'm in love with your. Yeah just look over to the best man back. I I don't I'm in love with her I do yeah, I have to marry your best man. Yes. I don't know if that's how it works I don't know get up on stage

Everyone quickly take a quick step to the right take my wedding I don't think you call the wedding off and then it's just switch to getting married. It's a waste of a wedding so Yeah, would Who's getting well, it's a waste of a wedding. So what yeah, we'd Would she be able to forget about is only when you know, he's in front of her or is it a permanent thing? My wife to be was just outly in love him and that he he didn't maybe he didn't What if he's not in love with her? I see only he's like, oh no That's my power to make my good friends why he love her back. No, that's sad. Yeah, it's really funny and I Think it's just cuz you're the only person in the room with a wife

Imagining your wife even remotely having a crush on anyone, you know You're only friends with baboons having a crush on anyone you know. You're only friends with baboons. By design. Clever move. You look so good. Oh dude, bar is low. You don't even know how to clean a bath.

You get nude to do it. A lot of people are on my side about that. A lot of people on my side. Okay, Matt. Yeah, it's good that we got a fourth person here. So we're all team this, which is like, if you're cleaning your shower, that can be part of having a shower.

So like, you know, you're hitting the shower window with whatever, wiping it down. Then you have a shower, which then rinses all the stuff off. Jackson does that approach, but with cleaning the bath. So he cleans his bath nude. In the bath, like full tub. Full tub. But then you're yeah, it's all being the ground

You would be surprised how common wait filling up the bath. No not feeling the whole way Okay, are you having a bath? No, probably I'd be having a shower After we shower bath. Yeah, it's a shower bath to shower bath. It's a shower. I think it's or bowel. That's not It's um, it's highly I feel's a shower. I think it's- or a bower. That's not- it's um, it's highly- I feel like a judge. Yeah, it's highly unusual, but I'm gonna allow it. Thank you. I just wouldn't- I just wouldn't be, you know, cock out barefoot with all that, you know, chemicals. Well, you know, personally, you don't have to be. You don't have to fall over and get slipped and get in some goo. Yeah. And then suddenly, you know, your best friends- your breast friends. Your breast friends? Okay. What about if your best friends your breast for a breast

I'm just said except that I'm in love with my best Craig's can Funny to be caught motorboating your best friend Craig like it's I'm not in love with him. It's just like, what an opportunity. I don't think that if someone, if I open the door and someone motorboating someone, I'm not like, oh my God, they're in love. If I open the door and I see my good friend motorboating a giant bear of anthropomorphic tits, I don't think they're in love.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Something is happening to my brain. So does each tit have a face? There's two different powers that have happened here. In my mind it was just... No one's talking to me! I need to... I think I've had a stroke. I've gone insane.

That's my conclusion. That's a shame. I gotta go lie there. See, if you're motorboating them, they're sort of motorboating you back. Yeah, that's true. It's sort of scary in a way. Yeah, you open it up. There's my good friend Yoldusha. Whole body into two voluptuous bosoms. That sounds entirely taken from wedding crashes. Did it exist before that?

That whole... I don't know. You reckon people weren't motorboating before weddings? I think maybe motorboating but I don't know if I know I'd heard that turn That yeah Crashes like 2005 2006 yeah, I don't know sometimes stuff was in vogue and then out of vogue because we became prudes for Sometimes stuffs, you know way more recent than you think anyway, you know Always prude. What if your best man got like, you know, super prudish powers? Okay, what do you made you no longer want to make love or see of a giant? I gave every like speech everything is just cutting he's doing like, you know, he's just being real like, you know

It's judgment like I can't I don't know why the bride's wearing white today actually cuz I have it in my good You know a good authority. Yeah, sorry that she's actually fucked. Yeah She sounds like he's a bitch Good, you know a good authority. Yeah, sorry that she's actually fucked. Yeah, that's that prudish Think if he was like that, I'd be like that's hard to blame on the toxic go Yeah, I guess the liar liar but how you interpret it where you're also just like Press a lot a lot more you can't hold down back any thought yeah It's so good to be at this wedding where I'm gonna drink piss for free And I hope none of you talk to me you sacks of human shit if that's happening. I'm just regretting my choice

Yeah, I think it probably would have been better if I got my brother to do this You know yeah, what about if he's got a power where he just makes everyone at the wedding a dog Except you mmm. If your wife was a dog would you like a barrier? Yeah? Yeah, but then like your dad's a dog your brother's a dog that doesn't change All your other friends dog, I guess your best friend is also a dog. No, your best man is immune to his own power. I'm so sorry. This is you and your best man and a pack of dogs.

Hey! In tuxedos and lovely dresses. In 10 to 15 years I'm going to be the most depressed man on earth. Dog groomers. Dog groomers, okay. That's the power. You're the dog groomer. Wedding man versus the dog groomer. I mean that makes sense, it's a wedding man plot because he's going to be at a wedding. And as he's waiting in the crowd and he's like,

they say I do and then all of a sudden wedding man's kissing a dog. Yeah and he goes, dog groomer! He's just numb as this. And dog groomer's like, I've got you this time wedding man! You're gonna kiss that dog on its dog lips! No! This is a great comic. I have the right to reissue it. Wedding man's not really a superhero,

which I like, he's just a man in an unfortunate situation. The dog groomer's just a man who makes it worse for him. Yeah, that's really good. Can I cycle back slightly to when? Zammat said That he doesn't want to clean the bath with chemicals when both his bare feet and junk are nearby Yeah, you you are you making those two equal in terms squatting down in the bath Are you making those two equal? In terms of-

Squatting down in the bath? How closely, how close they're getting to the chemicals, but also just how you're as protective of your feet. So famously, you're one of the grossest bits of your body. The toughest bits too. Maybe for you. Yeah. But I take beautiful care of my feet. My feet.

Dog's breakfast. Yeah. But like, again, if I'm in the bath or a shower, and then like you're spraying with bleach or whatever, it's getting on want my feet. Dog's breakfast. Yeah. But like again, if I'm in the bath or a shower and then like, you know, you spray it with bleach or whatever, it's getting, don't you do your little things. Don't do that. I want it.

And if you, for example, maybe you're doing some scrubbing, maybe you're squatting, everything's dangling there. Your balls are kind of semi submerged. I don't want my balls to like, as you get a little bit off, everything's getting more dangly. So as you're boiling, I don't want them to like. God, I wish my slaps were saggy. Exactly. I don't want them toly. Yeah, so as you're boy

I don't want them to like kiss it like you know the No, you're right The conversation Dishes got tight small balls or something. He's upset about it. And we moved past it and it nearly left us and I don't like that. Dusha says he's got beautiful pert balls. And he's upset. I just, yeah, I just can't wait to get old. But your balls are too tight?

They're just too pert, too beautiful. Too beautiful. You need disgusting saggy balls like I have. Yeah. That's all part of the defense of the balls, right? That's more the reason why you should at least be in your underwear. Yeah. I wish I had tight balls like you. Underwear and thongs.

I like when I have tight balls when it's cold. Underwear and thongs. That's all I ask. Thongs and thongs. Well yeah, what I was going to say is I would just like it on record with the shower thing. If I'm using bleach, I would. It's a curse. Yeah, damn dude. Thongs and thongs. Well, yeah, what I was gonna say is I would just like it on record with the shower thing. If I'm using bleach, I would not also have a shower at the same time. That's very much a rinse the shower

from a distant situation. You're breathing it in as well. With the hot, if it's like a- Not this guy's rolling around in it. Like a pig in bleach. I can't stop imagining like dunking my balls in the bleach and then when I pull them out, they're like really white. Just on the tip of my balls.

Like the little hairs, very, very, very blonde. That would look crazy. Dye your ball hairs only. Yeah. Yeah. Frosted tips on balls. Frosted tips on my nuts. That'd be awesome, dude.

I think we can all agree, and the comments below this episode will agree, what a wonderful episode. What a wonderful app of Plumbing the Nerd Star. Can't wait to see, go over to Matt's wonderful, beautiful show. You can jump onto that, probably from this, you know? That could be your next stop.

And if it's still premiering like two weeks from now, just get in there early. Get in there early and wait around. Do a bit of crowd work in the comments. Yeah, go to the live. Build a room, become sort of famous in the comments. So when it starts people go, oh my God, this person's here, how exciting.

And unless you're cursed with that thing where if you're in the comments, as soon as the special starts you switch spots. You don't want that lost. You don't want to be stand up man. No, no, no. Oh fuck, I didn't write any jokes. Oh no, every time this happens.

This isn't Matt. This is a different guy. And Matt, you're in the crowd being like. Friend of the show Dave Ornichie is premiering the same night. Oh my god. Just before. Lock in, have a huge night of content. Come on people. Now then maybe listen to this episode before and after again as well. It re-contextualizes a lot of things. It will change a lot of things.

So Matt, we can find that on YouTube. Yes, Stupid Old Channel. And your special is called Best Man. Best Man, yeah, if anyone saw it live it was called Ding at the time, but I've rebadged it for the yeah, yeah, that's good And also I'm coming to do my new show bad boy in the UK coming up and around Australia as well before filming that And those shows all include a who knew with Matt Stewart law as well Oh my god, and I believe you're also doing a do go on a new who knew it with Matt Stewart as part of the cheerful Yeah, full power. That's true. Yes tickets are on sale sale now That's right. That would be the Melbourne leg. Yep Yeah, we're doing we're doing we're doing that too. We'll be there as well. Yeah, wait now so much fun last year Yeah, it was good. Can't wait to get back there. Pod Ricky hopefully involved again. Yeah great brewery. Yeah, good vibe Yeah, right right right. Oh, did you see the way they stored the beers at the bar were in a boat?

Great, great. I like, did you see the way they stored the beers at the bar? We're in a boat. I didn't see that. An industrial area of Brunswick. Yeah. Very nautical themed. That's awesome. That's beautiful.

What is our nearest boat? Dock? Yeah. Yeah. Like a boat of water. Coburg Lake? Yeah, Coburg Lake. I just thought I was thinking about there's that store in the city, I don't think it's

there anymore, that used to just sell nautical knickknacks. I feel like the wrapping up this episode is getting away from us. What's that in your app? Again, what if your best man was cursed with B, like a boat? Yeah. What if your best man was a boat man?

Oh, fuck. If it was taken on water. Yeah, I know, a sinking boat man. You have to say, I'm sorry everybody thanks for coming, but my best man's become a sinking boat man. Like he's not gonna make a good speech. Yeah, he's, a sinking boat man. You have to say, I'm sorry everybody, thanks for coming, but my best mate's become a sinking boat man. And like, he's not gonna make a good speech. Yeah, and he's not gonna make it. He's currently, he was gonna be a shipwreck.

Yeah, that'll be bad. That'll be really bad. Well, thank you so much for joining us, Matt. And you're doing a lot coming up this year, so people could probably check out your socials where you'll be posting about all of this, I imagine. Yes, Matt Stewart comedy on Instagram or mattstuartcomedy.com, which is all of this. Yes, Matt should comedy on Instagram or Matt should comedy.com

Which is just a website. Yeah, beautiful. I wish I had a website calm What will be on that's such an easy thing to achieve? Yeah, dude, it's yeah. Yeah, but like really like you do comedy. Yeah, like solo things I've got no reason and you gotta manage it. Yeah, I it. I think I just have it be like risque photographs of myself. I like risque photographs. Like boudoir photos. You could have it and just make it go to the plumbing page or something.

I should get some boudoir photography done. Have you not? Yeah, no, I haven't gotten around to it. Your hair's looking so boudoir-y right now. Exactly, I think so too. You've juiced it into a real poodle. Yeah, it is a real poodle. It's a real, real situation.

An hour ago it was less poodily than this. It's getting, well I'm getting frantic. As the episode's gone on. That's what's happening. I'm getting panicked. You poodle or what? I'm poodling off. You poodle man.

Yeah. Well, on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. I've been Matt. Thank you so much for joining us, Matt. Thanks so much for having me. And let us know everyone, what do you think the worst power for a best man to have?

And was this good? Yeah, you let us know. How good was this? On a scale of 7 to 10, obviously it starts at 0, but 7 is the lowest you can give us. Let us know how this was. I think it was probably like 12 to I like 12 12 to feel on the school Yeah, there's a lot of good good good riffs Yeah, what about when you actually started raising it look for that reason

That was I think really good for both the algorithm and SEO Yeah, that was good for a douche's brain that point. What if you break a real life was nice They just the idea of love is the best man's kryptonite. Yeah Just sort of like it's not to kill him Yeah, every time any love was being and then because it's your best friend like your best man and your best friend It's you your moral obligation to call off the wedding and maybe hate your future wife. Because like you love your best friend so much. You have to hate your wife.

If you love your friend, does that make him sick? Oh no, so you gotta, you have to fucking, I guess you gotta leave. I guess you gotta get the fuck out of it. You gotta get out just to save your friend. Which is funny because he should leave. Yeah But no, that's because you love you love you so much that he has to leave you're gonna like a lover Yeah, man

It's like when Spock died or whatever and Star Trek because he wouldn't let Kirk do that thing because they love each other or something Because they love each other or something That's nice 100% sure The pop culture Don't you forget They're at the window and he puts his hand up I can't even do it Yeah man

Live long and prosper He doesn't live long, he fucking dies I love that that's your reference Dude, Joel Duj, your famous tricky Trackhead. It was already Kryptonite. That was a pop. Fuck, dude.

Well, luckily this is a coda for the episode, so people won't hear it. Goodbye! What we may be witnessing is the end of the American Empire. podcast. Here's a show that we recommend. What we may be witnessing is the end of the American Empire. And with that, Canada has never been more vulnerable. Gloves Off is a podcast about the threat to Canada's sovereignty and what we can do about it. I'm Stephen Marsh. We break down the hard questions with outspoken experts and thinkers, as well as everyday Canadians. The gloves come off Canada Day, Tuesday, July 1st, wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

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