Plumbing the Death Star - What's Wrong With Wizards?

Episode Date: January 13, 2019

Where we ask the hard hitting question like What's Wrong With Wizards?Sign up to our newsletter here; http://eepurl.com/cM3in9Join our facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/ Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Watch us stream here; https://www.twitch.tv/sanspantsradioYou can now physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073Theme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website https://bennydavismusic.com or check out his YouTube https://youtube.com/bennythejukeboxWant to help support the show?Sanspants+: https://sanspantsplus.comPodkeep: https://sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: https://audiobooksontape.comMerch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter:  https://twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: http://www.sanspantsradio.comFacebook: https://facebook.com/SanspantsRadioReddit: https://reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: https://twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: https://twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: https://twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

SANSPANS RADIO, I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU. Just go see that, you idiots. It's sort of like the game show equivalent of swallowing one big strand of spaghetti forever and ever until you die. Tickets are available from the Melbourne International Comedy Festival website, as well as our own website, sanspansradio.com forward slash live. Hey, everybody, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, what's wrong with wizards? So everybody's seen Pottermore's recent tweet. If you haven't. Okay. Let me read it out to you because I have it on my phone and just before you read this out Jackson let it know that this is from Pottermore

a verified Twitter account that is linked directly to JK Rowling the creator of Harry Potter a joke, it seems like a stupid joke it seems like a goof but it's not it seems like a parody of the fact that JK Rowling has gone through and on Twitter announced things that are canon in the Harry Potter universe now that are not mentioned in the books, which has now reached the apex of the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard anyone confirm about anything ever.

And I'm a host of Plumbing the Death Star. So on the 5th of January, 2019 at 4.34 a.m. Happy New Year. Pottermore tweeted, Hogwarts didn't always have bathrooms before adopting muggle plumbing methods in the 18th century. That's the 1700s, by the way. Witches and wizards simply relieved themselves

wherever they stood and vanished the evidence. Hashtag National Trivia Day. So up until the 1700s wizards at hogwarts would attend hogwarts like usual uh would have classes like usual they'd go to transfiguration charms presumably and they just shit themselves just all day their robes just and then we're just like that's the thing that annoys me about this is that nobody thinks of the robes. Like, are they hiking up? Because it kind of just says they'd relieve themselves wherever they were,

which just makes me imagine them shitting like a horse. I imagine them standing, not even squatting. Yeah. Although it'd be really weird or awkward. Imagine going out for a dinner in the whatever, and you're chatting amongst friends blah blah blah Geoffrey over there

pops a squat does his shit while still maintaining eye contact with you everyone stands up he just abracadabra poopers go away

and then they're gone does he wipe? there is one important thing before we get too carried away and I think this is vital and at first it's going to seem limiting but I think this actually makes it far more fucked. All right. It's not wizards don't use toilets.

It's that Hogwarts doesn't have a toilet. They didn't say that wizards do not use the bathroom. Good point. So Diagon Alley, that probably got places to shit. Hogwarts, though, where we send out children to be educated no also that's a place where they learn magic which means at first they probably don't know that spell

does that mean that the first thing they get like so you're in class and you're like professor may I use the bathroom and he's like what are you talking about young man shit where you stand what that seems like a prank. If that had happened to me in the...

I mean, like, I'm a magic person. I'm not getting burnt at the stake. Hurrah for me. I go to there and they're like, Oh, excuse me, I've seen some magical things. I need to relieve myself. Well, go where you stand, boy. No, I would think that if I went to shit in the middle of class,

everyone would laugh at me and be like, You know what I mean? I know what you mean. go where you'll stand boy no i would think that if i went to shit in the middle of class everyone would laugh at me and be like you know what i mean i know what you mean like you think you think it was a prank to get you to shoot yourself in class yeah which is a great prank if you're going to school and you're like i'm looking for a new bullying technique yeah here at plumbing the dust are we indoors trying to get your classmates to shit themselves by pretending toilets don't exist it's not your classmate. It's your teacher. If you're a teacher of a primary school and you want a great prank, tell your kids to shit themselves.

I'm trying to find what the situation of plumbing was like in the 1800s. Oh, okay. Well, I have the history because there's something that... Two things I want to mention. So, okay.

So, in the 1700s, that's when Hogwarts got toilets. All right. When do you think muggles started using toilets? It's got to be like something crazy. Something BCE. Yeah, like 400 BCE or something. Scotland.

I want to say, look, I'll say 400 BCE. Scotland. Sorry. I just like to make this very important. Yeah, I know. Scotland. Hey, guess where Hogwarts was. Where Hogwarts is located.

All right. Yeah. Cool. They used very early toilets with flowing water so that's okay yeah an early version of what we currently use yeah uh between 3100 bc until 2500 bc okay wizards were shitting themselves for like 5 000 years just for fun fun but is what the wizards were doing maybe better yeah look

there's a lot wrong here also just quickly while I'm on this Wikipedia page I was looking for history but because I was doing the episode I hit usage instead and it has two very funny headings because it's just urination then anal cleansing habits.

Oh, boy. Tell us some of these. In the Western world, the most common method of cleansing the anal area after defecation is by... I'm going to desecrate this bowl. ...is by toilet paper or sometimes by using a bidet.

I want to know the past stuff, like when they use the gooseneck and shit. Yeah. Give me the weird thing. All right, I've clicked on anal cleansing. Thank you. But, you know, like, imagine... So, sure.

Anal hygiene or anal cleansing refers to the hygienic practices that are performed on a person's anal region shortly after defecation. Yes. The anus and buttocks may be washed or wiped. Typically, with toilet paper or wet wipes in order to remove the remnants of feces. Yes. Maybe washed or wiped. Typically with toilet paper or wet wipes.

In order to remove the remnants of feces. Yes. How great that if I suddenly got beamed into a human body, I could just go to Wikipedia and like, like I've shat and I'm like, now what? Which I guess is what, but yeah,

but like, so. Ancient Greeks used ceramics. Yeah. They used to scrape the shit out with a broken pot But so I kind of get it from the wizards perspective Obviously they didn't shit themselves anywhere

Out of everyone I'd just like to stop the episode again I know we've derailed the peeps already Listeners out there Who do you think was most likely to side with the fact Wizards just shit in their robes in class The first Was it me Jaldusha My good friend J Jal Zamet?

Or was it Jackson Bailey? Gross trash man. If I caught you shitting in the backyard, I probably wouldn't even blink. Close the door. Backyard soft doors. Shut the blinds. I'm shitting.

It's great if you just shut the glove and I'm satisfied. At least I can't smell it anymore okay look because i'm like i will entertain this notion because i think i may be with you some of the way no just this is the same hole that fucking whoever wrote that tweet fell into where they thought about they're like oh they're thinking about the fact they're making it vanish yeah and they're not thinking about any ramifications or how it's getting there. Look, I would not just shit anywhere. That's insane.

Yes. But if you had designated shitting rooms. Yes. Wherever you just went in and shat on the ground and magic did away. Yes. You know what we call them? Toilets. Yeah, but it's toilets without the business of plumbing.

It's toilets without the business of plumbing. It's toilets without the hassle of... If we had, again, similar to, I guess, what they used to have before plumbing, where it was like a place to sit and then to defecate into, like a big tub, they got up and then someone else... Once a week, magic'd it away.

Why has it got to be someone else? Why do I have to do it? It's your shit! Why not? I'm an important man. I know magics. Bring up the tweet again. Okay.

You just need to divot in the ground. That's all you need. Yeah, yeah. But bring up the tweet again, because I think that this tweet goes against what you're suggesting. Hogwarts didn't always have bathrooms. Yeah. Before adopting muggle plumbing methods in the 18th century. So far, so good.

Yeah. Wizards and witches simply relieved themselves wherever they stood yeah that's bad i was saying that's bad and vanished the the evidence which is a great turn of phrase i'm just saying that i get it look no i'm with i'm with you to a point oh there's a there's a lot because again because now i might be team jackson just because the evidence that they say it's not the shit they say, it's not the shit on the ground. It could be the shit on the ground, the shit in your anus, the smell. Because I was thinking, if you have a spell specifically-

Imagine if you get to get the damp feeling, though, and you're just like still damp, but it's clean. Also like on the robes. Hang on a second. When did germ theory come in? I was reading that at the end of the 18th century. So germ theory came in and that was when proper plumbing, indoor plumbing came in for the muggle world. So, if you

like shitting, let's just say they're going to a room because I'm a firm believer that I like shitting in private. What if I'm doing it wrong? I don't want to not. You don't want anyone to come in and be like Zamit, you're facing the wrong way.

Zammett, you're preaching to the choir here. With two out of three of us enjoy shitting by themselves, one of us enjoys shitting with a friend all through high school for some reason. Primary school. Still bad. Yes. Again, with jerks, again, you know, with wiping, you're touching things. Sometimes maybe the tissue is, you know know the wrong brand that your good friend bought because he kept saying it was

a luxury and then suddenly your fingers in your shitty butthole uh that toilet paper rules emporium's the best no you were using it wrong it's not the best brand of toilet paper it's like a cheap toilet paper why is it always always on sale, Jack? I love it. Jackson, you know how like... If I could wipe my ass with a towel, I would. That does not shock me. Again, I'm more shocked you haven't.

And then, see, the thing is, what you do is like, you wipe your ass with a towel, you put it in the washing straight away, but then after like shit number four, you'd be like, oh, it's probably fine if I just leave it a bit. You know, I'm just gonna quickly go eat dinner, and then I'll put it in the wash straight away. But then after like shit number four, you'd be like, oh, it's probably fine if I just leave it a bit. I'm just going to quickly go eat dinner and then I'll put it in the wash. And then all of a sudden that shit towel is there until you realise the next day you forgot to wash it

and then you're like, I better just get another towel. Better throw this one out. No, you wouldn't throw it out. It's given you a lot more credit than it's worth. Better hide this one. Better leave it in this washing basket on top of presumably someone else's clothes. Clean. Yeah, so I think with germs touching or whatever,

if you're just using a wand and it's magicing things away, I mean, I guess it's a bit hygienic in that regard. But then it's like, okay, well, if they can do this, surely do they need to do a lot of washing? Yeah. Can't they just if they can magic the skid marks or like the shit splatter as it hits my robe. Yeah. If you can

magic that away and the urine patch that is just coming about. I would be shocked if wizards in the 1700s wore underwear. Yeah that's a good point. Well they might know but in the 1700s like people. Yeah, that's a good point. Well, they might know, but in the 1700s, people were wearing crazy underwear, like very restrictive.

If anything, it's easier for wizards to just shit themselves than to unstrap their various bodices. So you reckon they're shitting themselves and not dropping trash? Well, it wasn't until I thought about how complicated underwear was in the 1800s. How complicated? Well, it's when you had like bustles

and various things to attach to your ass to make it look like you were a big bug. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the bodice and stuff. Yeah, yeah. Hang on. Let me look up 1800s underwear. 1700s. 1700s. No, wasn't it the end of the 1800s? Oh, 1700s. Yeah, yeah. Sorry. You just cut a hole? You established that.

You were the first person. You took that sand. You died on that hill at the start of this episode. I mean, surely it would be easy to magic a little black hole mere millimetres away from your anus. What if you fuck it up? What if you put it on your bum? Just on a cheek?

Like a little tiny, like... Accidentally give yourself half liposuction on one arse. Because I'm just like... Because you're forgetting, you're also thinking that wizards are competent. These are students. They're learning to use magic. And teachers. Well, the teachers, yeah, they could do whatever they want, I guess.

Who the hell was teaching Hogwarts at like the 1700s? Were they a corpophiliac? That's all I can think. No, because they're vanishing. It's not like, all right, students. No, they're vanishing it. They don't know where it goes. Maybe it goes directly to that mate's office.

The room of requirement. Yeah. Oh, I'd never acquired this much shit. they're vanishing it, they don't know where it goes maybe it goes directly to that mate's office Room of Requirement Oh, I'd never acquired this much shit Let me describe the underwear that a typical 18th century woman would wear. First she would have a shift, which is kind of like a petticoat sort of thing. Stockings not a petticoat, like a nightgown

What do you call that? A nightie Then she would have one pleated skirt Then she would have the top of her petticoat, which is kind of like a corset. Then I think she would have another pleated skirt and another corset. And then her dress on top of that. That makes dressing not only too hard, but sex out of the question. Oh, yeah. Yes.

But this is wizards. They all just wear robes. Yeah, that's true. And they're in Hogwarts. Yeah, the wizards. And also because when Voldemort dies in the start of the first book, wizards make a point that they're like, whatever, we're safe now. We can

tell the muggles that we're wizards and they're all in their, there's owls everywhere and Dursley's cut. Yeah. Remember he's working in his tool shop and he's real angry. He's fucking, he is not jazzed to see these fellas in their fucking robes. Well, I guess if it's- He thinks they're hippies and idiots. Yeah. If they're just robes, then it's easier even.

I just... If you're out in the field... Hoik your robe up over your head. Look, squat down. Okay, you don't need to show that much genital. Shit on the tile. Christ almighty. You just gotta hoik it up a little.

I mean, why is it over your head? You're like bare-ass. I'm the hall i'm like oh jackson's got his robe over his head again oh i'm seeing his anus dilate because he's not pointing it at the ground he's pointing it at me now at some point i feel that this is a personal attack. Yeah, well. The worrying thing about that is I just don't think that Jackson would know that. Oh, good. He's bent over.

His room's above his head. He's pulled his arms behind. Oh, he's spreading his ass cheeks so I can get a better look. Thank you, Jackson. Oh, his flaccid penis is now urinating on his feces. Yay, me. Imagine we're going to class in that room full of moving staircases and I'm like, oh, hang on, fellas. Put it over my head and start shitting.

Fall down one of the stairs. See, I'm just imagining walking around the corner, like walking out of the Great Hall after eating dinner, turning the corner and then just you, just mid corner, like walking out of the Great Hall after eating dinner, turning the corner, and then just you, just mid, like, shit half out of your anus. Just straining. I'll be with you in a second, guys. Ain't too much pumpkin pie.

Because your diet is not good. Your shits would not be good. My diet's not good, and at Hogwarts I can have whatever I want. So it's going to be even worse. But does that get rid of the evidence, right? Yeah. Does that also mean the memory of this? Because if you're like, get rid of the fecal matter, the

urination, all the splatter and everything like that, and also those around you, if you get rid of their memories, thank you. Yeah, if I get up and I'm like, shit is delicious, or whatever, and you guys are like, and then I just pull the robe back off my head and I'm like, hey, guys. I'm like, huh? What just happened in the last ten minutes?

Well, you'd be like, I do not remember the last. Did you shit, Jackson? Yes. Yes, I did. And you don't remember it, so I'm scot-free. Hopefully you won't remember it either. Would that be a whole point to be just like, wizards just, they lose time. Do we shit or do we just lose time?

Yeah. What I'm wondering is, is it a specific spell? It has to be. Yeah. What are you expecting? Wingardium Leviosa, hide it on the ceiling. I've been doing this whole time. No one told me the spell.

Wingardium Leviosa, your shit at like like say filter whatever is just great that's a step above monkeys that they can never achieve i'm doing it with matt that's incredible boy filch what hook also so i'm fairly sure in harry potter so you can't magic food right you can't create you can bring food to you but that food has to be created You also can't remove something For the same reason Surely it works in reverse Otherwise old mate would have deleted his bone Yeah, absolutely

That was a wrong sentence I know what you mean Barty Crouch Jr. would have just Sent his dead dad to the poop dimension Instead of hiding him as a bone. But that's what I want to know. Like, if I get rid of my poop, say I'm like poopus goodbyus, where's it going?

That's a good question. Somewhere. The sea? The sea? Well, again, I just do not know. And how magic can you go? Like, can I then, like, reconstitute this? Could I just be like...

Is the spell just basically... It's only in Hogwarts. Is it a Hogwartsian spell that everyone is just like, poopers goodbyes, and then a portal opens up in fields that need manure and all this human fecal matter... Hagrid's shack. Well, what I want to know is, like, when are you taught it?

So, say I'm in potions and I'm forced to take a shit in front of the class. Yeah. And I'm ashamed. I think it's a prank. But the professor's like, don't worry, young man. Shit us, delete us. And then it goes. And I'm like, okay.

And then he's like, and you can do the spell as well. Can wizards still do that spell? Why have plumbing then? Yeah. What's the benefit? There's a lot of benefits plumbing then? Yeah. What's the benefit? There's a lot of benefits to plumbing. Why? What is the benefit to plumbing?

Okay. Ignore shitting where you stand. Let's just go like we shit in a trough. Yeah. That has a door we can close. You have a private shitting room. Yes. What is the benefit of plumbing over shitting in your private shitting room and then deleting it?

Assuming your ass gets wiped, your clothes get cleaned and the tile your shit landed on gets cleaned. I would say nothing. And germs? Yeah, they go away. The evidence. I have to assume it's everything. Yeah, that's a thing. It would just make the transition and something that we haven't spoken about. The transition from the first

11 years of your life where you presumably use a toilet to when you then start Hogwarts and you've got no plumbing. But if you're a wizard, you would be... But who says Hogwarts? So you went to Hogwarts, and again, you're right. Like, what is the benefits of having a toilet and plumbing as opposed to just deleting your shit away? Because if I'm, say, building a house, I'm like, oh good, I have a new room to play. Okay.

So the reason I've been a bit quiet recently is because there was a second tweet that was just like, the Chamber of Secrets was almost revealed. So they built the Chamber of Secrets before they had toilets at Hogwarts. It adds a whole nother layer. It was just like a damp room.

I need a room for a big snake make it tiled and damp it was made so that um slars and slisselman yeah he had somewhere to hide or something because everyone hated him yeah right fair however when the hogwarts plumbing became more elaborate in the 18th century in brackets and this is important this was a rare instance of wizards copying muggles because they simply relieve themselves where they stood and vanish the evidence so it wasn't just a hogwarts thing okay the tweet says hogwarts but the story in the context just says wizards cool cool cool cool okay okay so if you're a wizard and you have children and the entrance to the chamber of

secrets was just a coincidence and it was a bathroom. That seems ridiculous, but okay, sure. You have access to a concealed trapdoor and a series of magical tunnels. That's the most... Fucking alright. Slap-happy nonsense I've heard in a long, long time. Okay, so you're a wizard and you have children. Sure. You are basically, every time they shit them, you're not...

Would you even have nappies? No, why would you? Why would you? You're not... You want them to shit on the ground and then Is it harder to magic shit out of, say, clothing as it would be just to like magic

it off a tile floor? There must be a spell designed to send shit to the shit dimension. Yes. That must be its entire purpose. So any shit within the radius of the spell goes to the shit dimension. That means particles in the air. So that means it's always going to be easier

doesn't matter the fabric. What I'm wondering is could you skip the shitting process entirely? Yeah. And just get it out of my stomach. It's about to get graphic. Say I shoved the wand up my ass. There I am! walking down a corridor. Jackson, fucking robot for his head.

Man, ass fucking in the sky. Anus fully visible. He's got a wand in his hand, probing, trying to shove it in his asshole. How deep are we talking? I think I figured out a way. Hang on, I'm under a rope. I think I figured out a way to make this work better. What the hell are we talking? I think I figured out a way Hang on, I'm under a rope I think I figured out a way to make this work better What the hell are you doing?

Make what work better? What are you talking about? So, wand in arse Well, I'm just wondering if I put my wand Okay, so you have your wand in your arse You're shitting at the wand Basically Oh no

You're shitting at the wand Shit is kind of like maybe Pushing past and up it Whilst you're pissing on the floor I love it Every time I'm shitting I'm pissing Like a horse What I was wondering

Before I even begin to shit Like you can shit and not piss Maybe a little spurt would come out But If I put a wand up my ar, just when I needed to shit, not unless I was shitting, and I said, shit is deletus, would I not need to shit anymore? I don't know.

But also, you don't need to put it in your asshole. You could just kind of put it where maybe you're... No, but if I put it just against my anus, maybe I'll just... I've got to be thorough. You're scared you're gonna erase your anus But I think Uh oh The thing is like

If that works right It's gone Boys it's gone So you put it in your anus right And you go shit is to lead us And it goes away Then you no longer have to poop But could you then

For example I eat And shove the one down my throat That's not shit yeah And then get rid of the food When does food become shit? In your colon. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So what about if I... Could that happen? No, you could make the food go. Yeah, that's what I mean. With foodus deletus. That just feels maybe like anorexia or bulimia could be rife in Hogwarts. Oh, I'm sure it's a problem. Absolutely.

But there's no specific spell. But can I give myself muscles? Wait. There was no plumbing in Hogwarts. That's not just toilet. That means I can't muscles. Wait. There was no plumbing in Hogwarts. That's not just toilet. That means I can't have showered. Well, why would you need to shower if you can magic yourself clean? But then why?

The question, I think, becomes not why did. So there was no water in Hogwarts. There was the lake. Me and Xabit are happily Well I'm happily shitting on the ground In a hole With a wand up your ass You two are going to shit in the lake somewhere

In private on the giant squid I just think I'm not shitting in the lake Well where else are you going? On the field maybe? Yeah maybe the forbidden forest Room of requirement Somewhere private Yeah Yeah, look,

fair. Not in the middle of the Great Hall with a robe over my head. I can't see them! They can't see me! I love the idea of vanishing my anus accidentally, but you know that scene in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets where Hermione's in the toilet as a cat? Yeah. But it's you two and me, and I'm like, come in.

He's going terribly wrong. What's wrong? Drop my robe You're like oh no Where'd your anus go? Why is a wand cut in half? It's in me So they do not need plumbing So they do not need any running water

So water is So they don't need to drink They can What do wizards need to do? Because if they can Okay Yeah So how Idea Sure What do wizards need to do? Because if they can... Okay. Yeah. So, how?

Idea. Sure. So, we magic away the poop. Yeah. There it goes. At the same time, and that goes to say, it's just, say, a realm. Yeah. We don't know what it's called yet.

Let's call it a realm. Sure. We're also, as we're doing this, we're magicing away everything, left, right, and center, right? So, say, for example, in proto-times... Yeah. Before... Before time. Proto-time.

Before when we were written history, so like... Caveman wizards. Caveman wizards or whatever. When things was plentiful, they just started, like, you know, popping things into that dimension, and that dimension breaks everything down

to its molecule structure. Sure. So that when we need something and we summon something with our magic, it comes out of this realm. Are you saying that the summoning in Harry Potter is sort of like grey water? Yeah. In that we

take piss, we reconstitute that or whatever, so it's drinkable water. We take piss. Yes. We take piss. Yes. We drink piss, but good. Are you saying that We send our poop To the poop dimension

And that it just Turns it into raw magic Raw magical raw matter That we need And then if I want to Things like plants Or dead bodies Or a horse

Whatever we need in there If I'm like I want to create a hat Yes That hat was made From poop particles That became raw matter Yes

I don't actually know How the magic works In Harry Potter Because you can make Things appear and disappear. Yeah, but we were saying before, there's a specific rule. It's like one of the magical rules. Yeah, no food and money. Well, it's just

I think you can't create something from nothing. Conservation of mass or whatever? Are you thinking of Fullmetal Alchemist? No, I don't think so. Because that's the rule of Fullmetal Alchemist. It sure is, but Jack would never think of that. No, he might. If I watched anime, then you would be having this episode, but mine would be think of that. No, he might. If I watched anime, then you would be having this episode, but mine would be a grave.

Your micro-range is aimed at a tombstone. A headstone. No, no, no, I reckon you've accidentally... No, there is a rule in Harry Potter. It's just like you can't summon... You can't create something out of nothing. Gemp's Law of Elemental Transfiguration? Yeah, sure, What's that?

That might be it. Elemental Transfiguration's starting to sound a bit anime, Jack. Be careful. It's impossible to make food out of nothing. You can summon it if you know what it is. You can transform it. You can increase the quantity of it if you've already got some.

What? Apparently. That goes against rule one. You can't conjure or transfigure money or shelter. Clothing. What? Wait, but you can't. The fucking... You can't replace arms.

And you can't make it hard or cold. What? Okay, okay, hang on. Rule one goes against rule three, because if you make the thing bigger, that's making more of the food. Oh, wait, no, hang on. These are exceptions. Hang on.

Because the Weasley house is transfigured so that it's bigger on the inside? Too big, I think. Hang on. This seems like I'm getting dangerously down angry email territory, so I'm going to stop talking about that. There's heaps of Weasleys. The Weasley, the three children. There's an undisclosed amount of Weasleys who live in our magic house.

May or may not be under the influence of magic. They are poor. That's all I'm going to say. They shouldn't be, because they are wizards. Okay, so they've never explained Gamp's Law, but the fact that you can't summon food is an exception. So you can summon anything else, just not food. So that means you probably...

But then also, Wizarding Laws, is this a law or is this something that you physically cannot do? Because there's also things that are like, unless you- Yeah, if you're underage, you cannot practice a magic. Yes, or- But you can. And there's also the unforgivable curses, which also weren't meant to be things you could do, but you can.

And also, like, there are, like, people who are creating magic. You can't create seven horcruxes, but you can. Yeah, and, like, Snape making, or the Half-Blood Prince, making that slashy spell. Like, that's a new spell. That's neat. Nothing against that. I think it might just be a lore, because looking it up,

like a guideline, because looking it up, it said McGonagall conjured sandwiches from thin air. So, like, look. Which, if that's the case, that means that we can just send our poop away forever. Yeah. Yeah, which is fine, that doesn't really Which kind of lends credence to my matter theory Of breaking everything down to its bare bone particle, whatever it is

I don't know enough about science, but that Before we get to that, here's a word from our sponsor Also, this Melbourne Comedy Festival, I'm going to be hosting Big Deal A comedy quiz show that may or may not feature bruises so go to our website sanspantsradio.com forward slash live to grab your tickets also also we still have pins for sale including the always bet on piss badge an awesome sans pants flag badge and a little pin of my face that doubles as my signature just head to the sans pants Radio website and follow the links to grab yours before we run out. Do you sure? Well, I'm just, it's all just

Fullmetal Alchemist to me. Okay. What worries me about that, though, is that this brings back to the question in itself, what is wrong with wisdom? Yeah, right. Because if they can conjure food, like, McGonagall conjures sandwiches, what? Why is there poor people?

Why do people starve well it feels like we're finding ourselves back at one of our very early questions why are the weasleys poor because even if you shouldn't be even if you can just can't conjure food say that that's an immutable law but you can still conjure stuff like you can come to create. Wealth. Yes. Yeah. Say I create, okay, I can conjure, say, several horses. I can then go to, say, a local market and be like, I will trade you these six horses for that one sandwich.

The person being like, that's a bad deal. I'm like, did I say one sandwich? I meant your store. He's like, no. I'm like, okay. Ten sandwiches. I had a bargain. Ten sandwiches. Well, also, it says that if I have one food, I can make'm like, okay. Ten sandwiches. And a bargain. Ten sandwiches.

Well, also, it says that if I have one food, I can make many more of that food. Yeah. I think we're also getting very dangerously close to J.K. Rowling making what I think she will think is a chill statement, but will end up being the most offensive tweet of 2019. So if I have one poop, I could make it many poop? Yeah, I don't see why not, dude. I feel like we're getting very close to J.K. Rowling being like, Jesus existed in wizard times, but he was a wizard. Oh yeah, I'm surprised

he hasn't said that already. I mean, that was like, yeah, there's the whole one loaf into many a loaf. Yeah, absolutely. That's the story of a Jesus. Jesus already kind of did spells. But he brought someone back from the dead, which Dumbledore says you can't do. That's why he got cursed. I think the question becomes, at a certain point, not why did wizards shit wherever they were, and it becomes why did they stop?

I agree with you. Because there is no benefits of not shitting where you were. Surely it is more expensive and more time consuming to put muggle plumbing within a hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of year old castle than it is to just every wizard that comes in and be like, here's the shit delete spell. Although, wouldn't you just be able to be like... Magic it in? Expecto Pitch Plumbing.

Maybe, but I don't know, because it's like a new muggle invention for them. So I just don't know if they'd have... And they need to work out how all the pipes work and all that kind of stuff. Also, 18th century plumbing is not as good as, say, today's level of plumbing. And there's all lead lined and all that kind of problems. Also, most of the plumbing from really early would be built on the outside of a building

so that it could just be a straight drop to the ground. So the shitmeister or whatever they were called went and collected it and gave it to the yeah to the tanning places i wonder if it is so i know salazar slitherin didn't let muggleborns in when did he start because maybe a whole bunch of muggleborns complained and were like i am not used to shitting on the floor i am not shitting my pants no thank you maybe a whole bunch of muggleborns just held it in for a really long time. Well, that's not a bad theory. Because imagine if, say, Hogwarts, from its very incursion, was like, we only accept pure bloods and people

from wizarding families. And so then, of course, why would we build toilets? People are just going to shit themselves. Yeah, we don't need to. It's useless. Is this even a conversation? Does that mean when Hogwarts was found, the four heads of the school,

whilst they were having that conversation, were probably just shitting like crazy? Show us that, Christopher Columbus, you coward. Has the runs the whole time. Absolutely. So, okay. So, yeah, it was a pure magical school. Whatever, it's fine.

Let's just keep shitting ourselves. Sick. And then Muggleborns came with shame. Yeah, Muggleborns come with shunt. Shunt with shum. Go Muggleborns with shum. Muggleborns come with shum. Shum. Come with shum. Go Muggleborns come with shum. Muggleborns come with shum. I'm shummed of the fact that I got a shit everywhere.

Yeah, so they came with shame and also like, oh, where is the bathroom? What would be your reaction? And it is like, you know, British. Yeah, yeah. They seem to be the most prude. All right, we'll role play this. Okay. So I'm a student and you're-

Welcome to Hogwarts, young doucher. Hello, thank you for having me. I'm 11, I think. Do you need to shit? Now that you mention it, that was a long train ride and there didn't appear to be a toilet on the train. I'll be a nice-to-arm-a-wizard student.

There you go. Is he relieving himself? Yes. What is- Oh, you're muggle-born. Just shit wherever. I'm wild. What do I do? What?

Poopus, delete us. Welcome to the wizarding world. We have a spell designed to get rid of your shits. How do I do it? Shit us, delete us. This is my first day. I've not even been sorted yet.

How does my wand work? I'm not even sure if this is real yet. Maybe you'd lead them through the whole house. At what point do you teach them that? That needs to be like induction. Like that's part of like- But the induction is the sorting house. Yeah, I know.

But like there's a big wait between the train. Surely at the point of like people just hanging their bare ass off the Hogwarts Express and letting it go to the wind. Otherwise, I just... I love the idea of a train with just heaps of asses hanging out of it. And I can imagine that because I just realized that happened to me when I was in high school. I was at a bus stop and a bus of a rival school went past and they all decided to moon us. So it was literally a bus drove past with about 15 arses, some out of the window, some pressed up against the window. Also good.

My brain just didn't comprehend it. You're like, that's a lot of butts. All right. The Hogwarts Express would have come around at the same time as they started using muggle plumbing. Because they had to get there first. I don't know. This is something me and Dusha were talking about earlier. would have come around at the same time as they started using muggle plumbing because the locomotive get there first i don't know i mean something me and douche were talking about earlier imagine you live in scotland yeah in harry potter times now yes and you live within like two miles of hogwarts yes do i have to go to the hogwarts express how do i get there i'm surely they would be like send

a bus for me walking or like oh I just walk for it's only for first year students but the Hogwarts Express it's not no but can't you apparate you can at a certain level

but it's not first year it's like first, second third and fourth apparates off the Hogwarts and you can't apparate into Hogwarts yeah

isn't there a thing where you can apparate near the grounds of Hogwarts and then walk you can but you don't learn to apparate until you're like 17 yeah apparate yeah because people apparate into the grounds of Hogwarts and then walk in. You can, but you don't learn to apparate until you're like 17. Yeah, because people apparate into

hogsmead. Yeah, yeah. Then they get pissed on Butterbeer, presumably, then rock up to class late. Yeah, we do. Steamy shit on the side of the fucking bar. Are you going to clean that up? No. Are you? Yes. Good. Would you feel weird if, say,

you took a big meaty shit and then Jackson deleted it? Did I ask him to? No. I was just helping out a friend. We were sitting in a corner and you're pinching off a loaf and he's like, ah, I got you, buddy. What's weirder?

No, I need to explain why this situation is really upsetting because I just don't think that I would, if we were in, even if we were sitting this distance apart, like we're a table apart at the moment. Like, I wouldn't just shit. I'd at least, even if I was like. No, this is a, it's rude not to. Okay, if it's rude not to shit, so it's not even, you don't even. There should be no shame. You're a pure blood wizard.

So you shit, you don't even, you don't even like, excuse me, I'll me i'll just go a couple of meters you keep talking you squat down maybe you don't squat down maybe you shit standing up what does that feel like i don't know but uh it would be wrong because if you shit standing up your bum's closed and also our nose is pointing like where's our nose pointing when we're standing kind of like i had to point yeah is it is it a diagonal no it's kind of pointing we're standing kind of like I had to stand it's pointing yeah is it a diagonal

no it's kind of pointing down it's kind of pointing gently down yeah it's pointing down because when you sit you're still you're keeping the sit

I like that now everyone is really focused where their anus is pointing I've never been more aware of my arsehole

than I am right now well no because when you because I'm just imagining if it's like say pointing like you know say you're like, you know, say you're like... Alright, pointing down...

Yeah. I don't know. Say it's like pointing, like, a little bit sort of horizontal, but, like, at least a little bit diagonal. It's just kind of, like, plop and, like... Yeah. I guess it would... I guess you would... Yeah, it would have to be a bit horizontal, because, like, the same way when you're sitting, when you stand up, your balls, like,

go... Yeah, yeah. I would hope you would squat. Anyway, it's not about if I'd squat or not. It's if I would be offended if you vanished my shit. It's very intimate, especially if I haven't like... If you haven't quite finished. Like, laugh out. I'm like, dude, we've got to get to potions.

Shit us, delete us. What a weird... Excuse me! Because imagine you are shitting right and then someone plays a cruel prank of shit is deletious on you like mid shit and so the weight of the previous shit that's coming out is sort of cut off so it doesn't drag the other that's so you kind of like suddenly you don't have that weight yeah yeah yeah in the... This is a gross episode. We're sorry. Sorry to everyone who was like,

ooh, a wizard episode. But look, if you're listening to this when it came out, you should have expected this. There's no way we wouldn't get into the graphic details of wizard shit. So, okay. Also, oh, man. So is it just shit and urine?

But showering, vomiting, anything? Vomiting coming? Can I get rid of my jizzes? I'd be annoyed if I can't. That makes jerking off in the back of class real easy. Well, no, you still gotta do it. Because we had a fucking kid in our

year level that did that. Yeah, but he's still visible. Son of a bastard. It's not like you found out because you saw his cum stains. Well, no, but he's still visible. Little perverted son of a bastard. It's not like you found out because you saw his cum stains. Well, no, but he could be a lot more suspicious. Oh, no, in my situation it was. There was cum on the wall in my class. Ew! Yeah. It's worse because it wasn't

mine. The invisibility cloak is what you need for cumming in secret. What I was going to say, though. Why does that man disappear from the waist down? And he's got a great expression on his face. Why is that? I'm just imagining having it over me, but my legs are visible.

And then you just see them shudder a couple of times. You're coming in there, aren't you? Oh, fuck. You can see my knees. No. I was going to say, imagine like we're in the boys dormitory. And you just hear someone in the middle of the night being like, Seamon Toledus.

Seamon Toledus. It's not the spell, buddy. Seamon Toledus. Semen Toledus. It's not the spell, buddy. Semen Toledus. Cumus Gornus. Cum gone, mate. Oh, cum gone. Cum gone. Go away, cum.

Shoeshoes be gone. Cum is shoe shoe. Cum is shoe shoe. Cum is shoe shoe. Cum is shoe shoe. Cum is shoe shoe. Is there a time limit? Foul. Gummy shoo shoo. Gummy. Gummy shoo shoo. Is there a time limit?

Fail. I don't know. Like, that's the thing. Sanitary products also probably wouldn't be a thing. That's true. Yeah, that's true. But that's like a constant. Well, you just. Yeah.

I was wondering if there was a way you could enchant stuff. Like an enchanted pad or tampon to just make it all... You know what I mean? Or like an enchanted bowl... I also am not familiar enough with the history to know what feminine hygiene products were like in the 1700s.

So maybe they also already didn't quite exist. Yeah, that's true. Possibly. I'm not sure either. But yeah. There's bits of rag. Yeah.

Yeah. I know there was rag during World War I, but I thought that was because there was like a lack, a shortage of them. But I don't know for sure. But I thought that was because there was a lack A shortage of them But I don't know for sure Something would have stopped it

And at Hogwarts that something didn't exist But yeah is there a time limit For example if I come on my robe And then I'm just like laying in the afterglow For a bit too long and now I have a Giant stain I have to get rid of Ah Jackson Bailey Is that the same thing about like a urine stain If I like get rid of ah Jackson Bailey is that the same thing

about like a urine stain if I like piss all over my robe yeah because I'm like whatever who gives a shit and then you just

don't take care of it you're lying in the piss after glow like piss and then it just doesn't and I'm like

ah man is there a thing like that what if I'm taking a long shit yeah true can I delete it as I go I like that you're both asking taking a long shit yeah true can i delete it as i go i like that you're both asking me these questions like i have all of the answers and i'm very glad that you've asked me because i do i imagine that it would be i adjusted my microphone

to make it feel like i'm giving a speech yes i imagine that no there wouldn't be a time limit and unfortunately for my commies shushu yeah i feel like it would be the one spell. It would be something like. Filth big hoon. Yeah. Filth erasers. Filth erasers. Does it work for non-human shit? Well, I mean, you would hope so.

All right. As a great prank, I go to Hagrid's Gardens. Currently, they've got lots of horse manure and everything. I just can't really help make the crops grow. Now I'm like,thus erasus and then imagine that I just can't stop thinking

about Wingardium leviosa-ing someone's shit as a joke yeah because you could the moment someone takes a shit

and hits the floor you just Wingardium leviosa-ing just shoot it straight back into their into their gooch oh no what I keep thinking

you're being hit on the bare balls by your own shoes. That is propelled upwards. What I keep thinking about is jerking off in a robe. Because I think I may have to do my over the head trick again. All right. So there I go. Walking down the corridor. There's Jack.

I can roar him above his head. One in his ass, cranking one out. Why was this imagining, like, I guess he hoisted up. It's just, a robe sucks for getting nude. You know? I mean, sure, but you need to be nude when you're jerking off. Well, it sucks for getting half nude as well. Have you ever worn robes? No.

Yeah. But I have to imagine. Yeah, you're imagining it wrong. Yeah. How would you jerk off in a robe? You lift the robe up, but not over your head. Or I just kind of jerk off with the robe covering. I don't jerk off while I'm wearing the robe. That wasn't the question.

You've been overcome by lust. I would snake my arm through where the sleeve is. Yeah. And then just jerk off that way. I guess I'd just get fully nude. I would have to arm through the hole Like where the sleeve is And then just jerk off that way I guess I'd just get fully nude I would have to It's kind of like jerking off with a blanket over you Yeah but it's a blanket you're wearing

I don't know it's weird I'm with you but I can get past it I evidently can't So do we think it was that the muggle-borns Arrived and they were like this isn't okay And they held in their shit until they got an illness And they were like Or they just shat themselves

And then what was going on And then maybe a teacher deleted that person's shit And then a mum went You can't do that to my boy That's the equivalent of someone wiping my son's ass Don't I'm also wondering Why could you not just enchant,

so they're like, we have plumbing, but they just build toilets, enchant the toilets so that when your shit hits the, goes, it like disappears, you know what I mean?

Like you're shitting into a furnace. I agree. Like, why not be like, okay, because again, why go, why use muggle technology, which is kind of worse

than just getting rid of the problem? Just do a spell. Just have one set up in the toilet aiming up so that as you shit, they magic the shit away. You know those magical objects, yeah? You could just make a toilet that does that. You don't need to shit onto a wand. But that is funny. It's funnier to imagine a toilet seat.

So the same situation. A bowl. But let's use It's funnier to imagine a toilet seat So the same situation A bowl, but let's use Jackson's idea So it's a bowl with a seat and a wand But the wand's a little bit too high So it actually goes into your anus Just a little bit, just the tip So it cleans it It's kind of like an enema, a magical enema

But every time you shit, I would shit less frequently than I needed to I was just imagining it in the toilet Not in your anus But I like the idea of you shit, but. I was just imagining it in the toilet, not in your anus. But I like the idea of you shit, but this one's broken and it gets pierced. Oh, I got to call Filch. Filch, I pierced the shit. Surely, because again, all right, you're right. Magicking away your feces and sewerage and that is so much more efficient

if it goes either nowhere or somewhere in particular. Efficient, and this may seem crazy, but I think I stand by it, more hygienic. No, I agree. Because, again, you don't have to finger a shitty butthole once your Emporium toilet paper has torn. Once your good friend buys the worst toilet paper he can find and insists it is the best.

You know when you go to Re reject stores or $2 stores or something, and something has like deluxe or something written on it. You know that because of the context and the price and stuff like that, you know that... It's not deluxe. It's not the fancy version. I don't know, Emporium sort of feels like wiping my ass with a blanket. It really doesn't. I feel like you and I have had very different experiences with this toilet paper.

Do you use it? Yeah. No, I just enjoy knowing my friends are using it. I get pleasure from their pleasure. It's such a Nan brand of toilet paper to buy. Like, Nan finds, like, 20 rolls for four bucks, and she's like, bargain. Well, I'm banned from buying it for the house now. You're banned from buying it for my house as well.

Good. So, yeah, I just think, why would you go back? I hate this. I hate it because I'm also on board. I know, because he's like, Dammit, JK! Why'd you bring in plumbing?

That's crazy. Okay, fair enough. Shooting'd you bring in plumbing? Yeah. That's crazy. Okay, fair enough. Shitting where you stand, weird. Ridiculous. That's just ridiculous. Let's just move that away and be like, all right. A shit room makes sense. Let's have a shit room.

Yeah, exactly. Like a wet room, but no wet. It's the dry room. You don't need to take up space with sinks and any of that stuff. It just needs to be wall upon wall upon wall of private rooms for you to wake up, over your head, your robe, take a shit, shit us, delete us, robe back over, back to spells.

And the thing is, because again, it is getting rid of, and this just means you can get rid of everything and basically clean and sterile yourself very quickly. So were there any showers in, say, the Weasley's house? Were there any showers in any say, the Weasley's house? Were there any showers in, like, any other sort of wizard house or something? I feel like that there is showers in Harry Potter. Because there shouldn't be.

Well, there are, definitely, because in the fourth book, Harry has a big bath. Yeah. Remember? Yeah. But is this kind of thing where it's just like, because they no longer shit where they stand, they've sort of forgotten that magic? Well, what's interesting... And we become a lot more unhygienic, yes.

What's interesting is that the bath Harry Potter uses in the fourth book is basically... It's not designed for cleaning. It's like a pleasure bath. So if you recall, it's got heaps of taps that do all these different things to the water. So maybe there's no actual hygienic baths or anything like that in Hogwarts.

It's just like a bath is nice and a shower is nice. Maybe it's just designed for that, just to enjoy yourself, not to get clean. Yeah, like, oh, I'm just enjoying the decadence of lying in a bubble bath. Which is fair. It's nice. I'm with you. Or a nice smelling bath or whatever, like a foamy bath.

But yeah, I don't know. It just feels like with the fact that wizards can just get rid of shit, but not just the physical remnants. They can get rid of it down to potentially a molecule level, along with the smell. It just seems like a much better way to do things. A, yes, but also B, it's very powerful. Yeah, absolutely.

Why didn't Barty Crouch Jr. send his dad to the shit world? Yeah, why not kind of co-opt the spell so that it can work on anything and send everything to the shit dimension? And look, if you're not sending the things to the shit dimension, then it's funny just to use that spell on people because then that's evaporating them anyway. Yeah. Actually, can you weaponize those spells?

Well, obviously, yes. Yeah, I mean, like, why not? So if you presumably fuck up the shit as deleters and you delete yourself well i can hang on a second i do i don't know i went guardian leviosa to shit into someone's balls so like it's fine i don't know if you well what are the parameters because again you're there squatting taking a shit well what is surely you're like, like, pointing in directions, so it's like an area of effect spell. I've just got another fucking layer of spell bullshit, because they're learning spells,

but if they fuck it up, different things happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which means that magic, I guess, is constantly changing. It's just that they have, like, base spells, so, like... How many students are going to a teacher being like, I tried to delete my shit, but just deleted my anus? How many times? No one because

So many. People pointing down at the shit except you who's pointing up at your anus. Or I'd be like, I went to delete my shit

and I have no feet. I meant to delete my shit but I just made two shits. Or again, you could be like, or like my toenails are gone. I can imagine going to delete your shit

and it exploding. Yeah, exactly. That seems very possible. Look, sorry I can imagine going to delete your shit and it exploding. Yeah, exactly. That seems very possible. Look, sorry. So I went to delete my shit, and now we have four weasels, and we also now have a weasel problem. Those weasels were once shit, yes. They are very angry and very mad.

I might have told them that they were shit. Boys, you're alive. You used to be shit from my anus. Why do you hate that? That's who you are. Sorry. I just turn all my shits into gold and spend it at Hogsmeade. But then the spell lasts for four hours.

Look, hey, I have a real big problem. I tried to delete my shit and it's turned into another me. But made of shit. And now it isn't trying to infer that I am the shit golem. He am shit me. I am proper zammit. I am real zammit. Me shit shit zammit.

I shit him. And now the shit me has popped a squat. And look, my shit is having a shit. And I just can't cope with this. I don't like magic. Oh no. I like the idea of me using gold at Hogsmeade and calling them hot dollars. Guys,

I got to spend these hot dollars quick. Are they your shits again? Yes. Yeah. I don't know. You get to the Hogsmeade and they're just like, no Jackson's hot no, Jackson's. Hot dollars not accepted.

Oh, man, I'm going to have to keep all these hot dollars in my pocket until I find somewhere that can turn them and I can spend them. Fuck, the idea of running through town, looking at my watch, looking at my purse or whatever, tipping it up. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Coins hit the ground. I'm a shit again. I like the idea of you having, like, gold in your wizard robe pockets

and forgetting, because falling asleep and then waking up and being like, oh, no. Oh, no. It's been too long. Yeah, like, there's times where, you know, what's-his-name tries to turn a rat into a cup or whatever, and it's the furry cup. So there is this kind of weird point where there'll be this, like, mutant shits

and urine and cummies everywhere. Cummies everywhere. Oh, Wingardium Leviosa-ing a cum. Oh! Cum shot, but for a new dimension. Cum shot for a new generation is what I meant. Maybe there's, like, the filch. So in the early years before you've perfected

Shitus Deletus Maybe the filch just goes around And deals with everyone's mess Because that would make sense Again, this comes down to the point where I feel If there was like Not so much plumbing, but like Toilets with the big

What do they used to do? Like a cistern thing, is that what it's called? Where you just shit into a tub Oh yeah, I know what you mean, like to do? Like a cistern? Like a cistern thing. Is that what it's called? Where you just kind of like shit into a tub? Oh, yeah, yeah, I know what you mean. Like a trough. Like a trough, like whatever. That is the main thing. People go there, and then once a day,

or once every few hours, depending on how big your student body is, because remember, there is a lot of students and teachers in Hogwarts. That's a lot of fecal matter and urine and cummies. So, you know, probably like every couple hours. People go through puberty while

they're at Hogwarts. Yes. Cummies through the roof. There's a lot of cummies. A lot of cummies with no plumbing. I'd just like to point out that after today's episode, we hold no responsibility for the fact that we keep saying cummies and therefore you never ejaculate or reach a state of arousal ever again.

Yeah. Sorry that we've just killed orgasm. Nothing ruins the mood like saying, I'm going to shoot my commies all over your chest. Yeah. Let me wingardium leviosa my commies. It's still warm. That's weird tense as well.

Not there. It's gross. They're still warm. Excuse me. So here's my comm Gross. They're still warm. Excuse me, so here's my cummies. They are still warm. I don't know, that makes more sense to me. What makes more sense to you? Cum is a being, yes, but I don't like acknowledging that, no.

It's weird. Is, her, what? My cummies... Yes. Are still... They, I'm sorry, here are my cummies. They're still warm. Or here are my cummiesies they're still warm or here are my commies it's still warm what makes more sense to you there there's more reasonable it's for some reason it

feels well it detaches you from it you don't have to think of them as a being i get it but also it sounds like because you're saying it's still warm... Look, it just has bad implications. It's no good. It sounds like... Yeah. There makes it sound like it's not edible. It makes it sound edible. It's pretty much what I'm trying to get to. I mean, I didn't get that.

All right. I kind of know what you mean. It's still warm is what you might say about a pie. Yeah, that's pretty much what I'm thinking about. I'm with you. I'm pretty sure the only time I'm like, it's still warm, I'm talking about the weather or food, not my cum. Me.

I rarely talk about my cummies, but I'm getting it all out right now. I'm hip to your job. I hope this is my first episode that my mom decides to listen to. Me too. And she's like, this is popular? Yeah. Shouldn't be. Everyone's made from cummies.

That's true. Cummies and stars. We're all just cummies and stardust. Cummies and stardust, baby. Next time you ejaculate, think about that sentence. Cummies and stardust. So, yeah, I think wizards just got everything ass backwards. They kind of just adopt muggle technology for no reason

when they could have just improved upon their own technology? Yeah, it seems like that they took, rather than taking like two logical steps, two or three logical steps forward in their direction, they took like eight back and ended up with backwards human plumbing that was worse. Because they would have had to go through a period of time where their hygiene would have dipped dramatically.

Oh, heaps, because imagine the older generation, the old guard, when these like newfangled plumbing came in to be like, I'm not doing that. Oh, shit, I stand like my forefathers before me. Also, imagine- Older generations, I imagine, would be still just doing shit into the toilet and then just being like, shit is deletist. Imagine this, though. Imagine your whole life you've shit is deletist, right?

Yeah. And that's simple. That's very easy. It's no big deal to you because the only real downside is shame but you have no shame and then all of a sudden someone tells you you have to wipe like that's that's so filthy yeah compared to what you have to really explain what that means and also see like but i'm going to be able to see my shit how do i piece of paper yeah it was like how i'm just wiping. No, you've got to look. What?

Yeah, you've got to wipe. You've got to get as much as you can. Have a look. Put it in the toilet. Flush. They'd just be like, why can I not just delete it? It's so much nicer.

Wizards have got it bad. I would be so... Like, imagine you're at Hogwarts now and you find an ancient spell called Jitters Deleters. I'm sorry. I'm shitting on the floor. Look. You said sorry, but you're not sorry.

Too bad, guys. So there I am after only ever knowing indoor plumbing. I walk around the corner yet again. Guess what? Rolled above your head. I refuse to change. He yells as he sticks his wand directly up his anus. Shitus deletus. change. He yells as he sticks his wand directly up his anus. Shit-us, delete-us.

Wingardia Leviosa, you off the fucking banister. Wand sticking out of my arm. Expelliarmus. Ah! Whoa!

It went in him. It went deeper in him I will never shit again Mission accomplished But yeah I just feel If they would just be like Alright cool Well all these muggles

Are coming in Being like we need Somewhere to poop Because that's a private thing Like okay that's weird For us purebloods But look that's fair They have this weird shame

Attached to a shitting And urinating But fair enough But why don't we Just be like, okay, we'll make the toilets, or we'll make a seat or whatever. You go in there, and that's the spell to get rid of it. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And then from there to be like, okay, now that we have that,

well, why don't we just enchant the toilets? So that they just delete the shits you do. Although, okay, think about this. You're a muggle-born, right? Yeah. All you've known your whole life is shitting indoors and washing your hands and all that kind of stuff. You go to a place where you have to just shit into a, okay, think about this. You're a muggle-born, right? Yeah. All you've known your whole life is shitting indoors and washing your hands and all that kind of stuff. You go to a place where you have to just shit into, like,

what looks like a toilet, but there's no hole. There's just, like, whatever. That's kind of fine, I guess. You do that. It'd be weird, but you'd deal. But then washing your hands. Like, have you ever used, like, a toilet, a bathroom, or whatever, and then without washing your hands, just used the Dirt Hole thing

and just done that. You know how weird that feels? Yeah, it feels so wrong. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it'd be an adjustment period. I hate it. I might still wash my hands.

I'd wash my hands. Just cause. I've been around shit particles. And that's how we need indoor plumbing. Yeah, I guess so. It's a comfort. Yeah. I feel it was a comfort and then they just forgot the spell

Yeah Wizards are dumb Yeah I guess at the end of the day wizards are dumb They had a good thing and wrecked it I think that yeah What is wrong with wizards and what is wrong with us So much And on that note

I've been Joel I've been Jackson And I've also been Joel Remember next time you ejaculate, think, everyone is made of commies and stardust. We sure are. Also, let me know, they or it's. Thanks for listening.

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Kisses.