Plumbing the Death Star - When Bad Guys Go Good (Feat. Mr Sunday Movies)

Episode Date: June 3, 2015

In which our heroes gather up the world’s greatest villains, try to see their inner good and flip the switch to see which bad guy would make the best good guy. We explore how sharks can solve any crime, the benefits of dance magic and that there are some viruses worth having. Jackson wants to waltz all his problems into a jail cell, Zammit reinvents Street Sharks, Duscher gets stressed out over movies (yet again) and James just wants monkeys to shine in this bright new future. So join us as we turn the world on it’s head as up becomes down, black becomes white and bad becomes good. Because sometimes the right man for the job is the wrong man. And also a shark.Want to help fund a reboot of Street Sharks!? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in this baby boy’s life.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least eighty-one books about reinventing yourself even when you are a monster. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

SansPantsRadio, how does Velcro work? Do you want to vote someone out of Shut Up A Second? Email us at sanspantsradio at gmail dot com and we'll sort something out or put them out to pasture. For everything else, including links to our other shows, our Twitter, or our Patreon account, head to sanspantsradio dot com. Hey guys, welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, which bad guy would make the best good guy? Jaws. You son of a bitch.

No way. You son of a bitch. The shark from Jaws. That was going to be mine. You son of a bitch. That's all right. I have a backup. But yes, the shark from Jaws.

100% on board. Shark from Jaws. How could he be a good guy? Yeah, what's he doing? Well, I don't know. What do you want a good guy to do? Like solve crimes? You just got to turn that raw shark power around to the side of good.

Right? Which Jaws? Because there's like four different Jaws. Just let's say like a Ridge. Classic. Jaws classic. Classic Jaws. Because Jaws 4 can like track family members.

Yeah. So I think you'd probably go Jaws 4. Actually, that's probably your answer. Jaws the Revenge is he called Jaws? I'm calling him Jaws I don't think that's his name I think his name was George

and people were mispronouncing it hey mouth what are you doing here yeah I think I think they just call it the shark yeah okay collectively the sharks from the Jaws movie. Okay, now it's like four sharks. And I'm four times more into this. Because you've got the badass one who's got a scar.

Yeah, you've got the brains of the operation. He's like, I know how to track them down. He's the hacker. He does machines, Ninja Turtle style. There is no evidence in any of the films that the shark should be good at being good at any point no you just we've got to assume that for the sake of this whole argument you are making flipping them you're flipping the oh no i was thinking about bad guys that do stuff and you're like hey like just with a few like

sneaky well you'd be no no no like. Like, you're flipping the script, except not with Jaws, because then it's like a waterfall of sharks and one guy is killing them. Because that's ridiculous. That would be an amazing movie, yeah. This one, like, myth of a man. This guy in, like, scuba gear

and, like, durn it, like, just snorkel appears. You could have the reverse of the Jaws poster where you have a shark down the bottom and a guy just leaping in from above with a harpoon. Yeah, like just jumping down. Says mouth at the bottom. Mouth! Yes!

But no, the four Jaws. The four Jaws. They could fight crime, solve mysteries. Underwater crime. Defend against other worse sharks. Anything a good guy could do, the Jaws would do it better. Give us a problem. We'll sort it out with the Jaws.

Tax fraud. Right. They're going to use the Jaw 4 to track down the the tax evasionist and they're just gonna eat him sure okay i mean like that works yeah and and guys remember sharks are not bound by human law no that's true no they're not sharks can do whatever they please because if our jaws 4 guy if he's good at like hacking and machines yeah he's gonna be able to prove that. Do people know that this team of Jaws are good? Are they like, you did it again Jaws! Did it again Jaws 4! Or are they gonna be like, AHHHH! The shark's on land! This one's using a computer! Nothing is sacred!

So Jaws 1 is like the muscle of the group. That's from the original Jaws. The original, yeah. Jaws classic. Jaws 2 is kind of like the mysterious one. Not the same shark, but essentially. I don't remember. Because he's the one that got blown up in the face. Yeah, he's kind of the badass.

He's the badass. He's the Donatello. Yeah, he's like the Gambit. Okay, sure. The wild card. Here at Plumbing the Death Star, where we use pop culture references to explain other pop culture references.

But we use pop culture references... It's recursive. We use old pop culture references to explain older pop culture references. So Jaws 2 is the Donatello or Gambit. Yes. Jaws 3... He's 3D.

So that doesn't matter. Is he the goofy one, then? Well, he's at SeaWorld, so he's probably good with people. Yeah, he's like the mic. The face. He's loving pizza. Yeah, he's the face. He's like, hey, it's me, Jaws 3D.

He's got 3D glasses on all the time. So the Jaws are the names of their movies. So Jaws 4 is actually called Jaws the Revenge. And he's good with computers. This is Street Sharks. You pitched the Street Sharks. That's what you've done here. Shit!

Fuck! We did it! We pitched Street Sharks! Yeah, but now I'm more on board with it. Plumbing the Death Star has always led to this moment. Finally, my time to fucking shine. It's gonna be Jawsome. Oh, man.

Yeah, how good. Right, guys? Yeah, okay, I'm on board. What's yours then, Jackson, since yours was originally Jaws? The Preacher from Footloose. Okay. So he's encouraging dance.

Yeah. Encouraging dance in the world of Footloose is fucked. Because you've got to remember that this preacher has the power over an entire town. He'll make them stop dancing with like a whoop. It doesn't even matter. So if you flip the script, he can make this town do whatever he wants. And if it's good, how good? This preacher going around and being like, dance is great.

Not dancing kills my son. Although, would we have the dancing plague again, where everyone dances themselves to death? When, not if. Does the movie start the same where somebody dies, and then he goes, right, more dancing! So everything's the same up to that point. Because he dies in a car accident because he's listening to rock and roll.

So he's not listening to rock and roll. He turns off rock and roll and doing so dies because he's too focused turning off the thing. And the preacher is like, more rock and roll and dancing and good time. He'd be very progressive as well. Yeah, he would be. Because again... Very accepting, very progressive.

He'd be a very good, good guy. Yeah, like he's a man of God He's got love for all He'd be a hip church leader He'd be like, hey, listen to rock and roll It's cool, it ain't the devil's music And then Kevin Bacon comes in And Kay Bakes is like, dancing's not on

I'm gonna not dance Dance the town better He'd be like really square Like the whole Classic 1950s kind of nerd I'm going to not dance the town better. He'd be like really square. Yeah. Like the whole classic 1950s kind of, you know, nerd looking dude who's just like, you know, whatever, whatever. Yeah. And then he then set up.

So his big dance scene is just him walking to a factory. Just real grim. Like the scenes from Flashdance, you know, when she's like the welder it's that but very serious very serious and then the preacher comes in and Kevin Bacon is like I'm stopping this dance party and then the preacher comes in and is like no you're not

and then he dances and he'd bring an electric guitar plug it into an amp and be like JESUS throw a crime and the preacher will solve it through dance Be like, Jesus! Throw a crime and the preacher will solve it. Yeah. Through dance. Give me a crime.

Murder. Yeah? He'll dance the person back to life or just dance the person into jail? He'd dance a person to jail and solve the crime. Look, you can't... You look hate. Like he'd literally dance someone into a jail cell. Yeah.

Like he'd spin them into a cell. Woo! Like an awesome kind of foxtrot. Yeah, they wouldn't know what was happening. They're just like, I'm having a jail cell. Like he'd spin them into a cell. Like an awesome kind of fox trot. Yeah, they wouldn't know what was happening. They're just like, I'm having a great dance. Oh, what? Shit. Bloody hell.

And then he'd be like, Jesus! Got me again. And plus it's bloody. What about extortion? Well, I mean, I'm sure if you invited him to your company and you were like, this person's in trouble for extortion, he'd be like, I'll dance away. In my mind, it's kind of like...

It's magic. It's dance magic. It's dance magic. I mean, we've established that Footloose is dance magic, so I've every problem with dancing. So, you know, he'll just dance a problem all the way. I guess, yeah, with the preacher encouraging everyone to dance, that means there's a lot of dance magic going on. That's true true I suppose

the whole town would be cured of everything and the whole town would be very liberated as well and then if he was like guys we're gonna go on like a peace mission to the middle east that's a dancing town entering like the Gaza strip and dancing peace between Israel and Palestine

how close is Israel and Palestine to water? Why? For our sharks. I know. I barely saw that one. Not terribly close. I think that's where our jaws might not work as well.

That's where you need your roller skates. Just put it on like a skateboard and wheel it. Hey! Be good to each other! Jaws 4, what are you doing here? Jaws for revenge! And then Jaws will be like, or I'll eat you! And then Jaws 2 will be smoking a cigarette.

Jaws 3 will be like, ah, Jaws 3D. Ah, that's right, guys. These bugalongs. His bark is worse than his bite. So I like the idea of sending all of our Bad guys come good guys Into the Middle East Because I think that's pretty funny

So now we get a whole town full of dance-loving Good old-fashioned American Christians Except for one motherfucker, Kevin Bacon Who refuses to dance, just keeps walking through factories Does he learn a lesson at the end? Yeah, well the the preacher does. So I assume that Kaybake sees this dance going on

and the preacher's like, hey, dancing's great. Steelworking is kind of like a dance. And then he'd basically do tap dogs. Yes. And he'd be into it again. He's not dancing himself because the preacher never was, but he's into it again. He's okay with a bit of dancing.

Is it tap dogs? No, it's called... i know the movie you're talking about i know what you mean tap dogs is the show i want to say boot man boot man there we go boot man boot man there you go blank stares from this baby boy no we you're too young for this shit um i don't even like dancing i would hate that but you're right he But you're right, he's a force for good. He's a force for good, ultimately. So, in the Gaza Strip, we get four radical sharks and a dancing town led by a Jesus-loving preacher. Playing guitar.

Playing guitar. Jesus! Why don't you bring it to the table? Yeah, come on. Bring it, Hal. The robot or Jordan? Michael Jordan is kind of a bad guy apparently if he had

Twitter like in the 90s Jesus like just a not a good guy like yeah so if Michael Jordan

was a good guy imagine what a world that would be it would be the game where he goes through the windy city and defeats ghosts anyone ever play that game

sure did I heard that sounds amazing it's a super nintendo super nintendo game anyway so what's your real one Hal from like through the windy city and defeats ghosts. Anyone ever play that game? I heard that sounds amazing. It's a Super Nintendo. It's a Super Nintendo game, yeah. Anyway, so what's your real one? Hal from like... 2001.

2001, a space odyssey. Hal, all right, is a robot that has never made any mistakes, makes one mistake and then panics about it, realising that it's sort of like going to fuck the mission. So there's like, hey, human error is the only reason I made the mistake. I'm going to kill all the humans, then our mission will be sweet that's very bad yeah that dedication okay great so we're taking

the same thing as fucking sharks dude yeah we're just switching it's fine switch just flip the switch so yeah that like one mistake was his own error and he's like i need to need to work with humans more well not even that it's my even if it's like it is error, and he's like, I need to work with humans more. Well, not even that. Even if it is still a human error, he's like, human error. But that's okay. That's fine. I'm still great, you guys.

Hey, happens to the best of us, just not me. Let's go to Jupiter. Everything will be fine. And then because the mission would be a success. Also because Hal still exists, I feel like the Dave wouldn't be launched into the future and then turned into a space baby. Yeah, I feel like none of that nonsense happens.

That wouldn't happen. Isn't that good? But don't we want the space baby? Yeah. Have you ruined humanity? Would he help with that though? Would he be like, let's get you. Well, I feel like HAL might also be able to explain what's happening.

Oh, that'd be good. So that's like 2001, but you get an idea of what's going on. Yeah, 2001, but you know what's going on. Sort of like the end of Interstellar. Yeah, you get Lars. Tars there. Tars, Lars and the real girl is explaining what's going on. Actually, Interstellar is that.

Interstellar is just 2001, basically. Interstellar is just Lars and the real girl. Do show it. It really isn't. It's the same just 2001 basically. Interstellar is just Lars and the real dude. Do show it. It really isn't. It's the same 2001 and Contact. It's mixed together. And Contact I think it's because 2010 which is a film. 2010. The year we

made Contact. Which is a sequel to 2001. I haven't seen it but I don't know how you can make a sequel to 2001 and it to be related. Anyway. The only issue I have is books. There's a series of books. I haven't read them. But they were written at the same time as the movie came out. So it to be related. Anyway, I acted last year. The only issue I have is books. There's a series of books. I haven't read them. But they were written at the same time as the movie came out,

so it's not like... Oh, were they? Yeah, like, the author of the book of 2001 is the same guy who wrote... It's the same writer. They both came out at the same time. It's not like an adaptation. You are so visibly stressed.

I feel like I just want to go over there in your corner, like, rub down your shoulders. You're like, it's all right. It's all right, it's all right. We'll get next round. No, I've... Sorry, this movie just stresses me out. and rub down your shoulders. It's all right. It's all right. It's all right. We'll get next round. Sorry, this movie just stresses me out. Yeah, but no, Hal, that type of persistence.

And he apologizes to Dave after he murders all his friends. He's like, look, I made a rash decision. Let's just sit down. Let's talk about this. And Dave's all like, nah, I'm going to deactivate you because you just murdered my crew. I think you got you got a computer brain yeah

very smart I think if you flip the switch a little bit more and make it like that one error was a bit more human like computer error or it can still be

human error but he's accepting but he's accepting and be like this is a teaching moment alright look guys this is what you did wrong rather than being like

you've jeopardised this mission he'd be a good mentor yeah he'd be like the guy that the sharks go to. I was going to say, he would be a pretty good brain for a shark body. Yes.

He'd be like, what is the name of the guy that the Power Rangers just chat to? Zordon. Zordon! He'd be the Zordon for the sharks. What's the name of the guy that the Charlie's Angels talk to? Charlie. You dense motherfucker. Bosley was like an in-between kind of guy. Bosley was the dude that knows Charlie.

Because the angels never meet Charlie. No one met him. He's a box. All right, then. You'd be a Charlie. Yeah, you'd be like street, well, jaw, jaw four. There's a crime happening in... Okay, wherever.

Yeah. So Charlie's hell. Yeah. The preacher, I'm assuming, is Bosley. Yes. The sharks are the angels. The sharks are the angels. Brilliant.

That's amazing. Good. Now, James, what does yours fit into Charlie's angels? Oh, it doesn't. I'm going to pick the monkey from Outbreak. I was originally going to go with the alien from Aliens because it's just spreading love and happiness everywhere. But monkey from Outbreak, bite somebody,

you get really healthy and well and centre and calm and then it just goes and everybody gets it. And everyone's like super ripped and having a good time. Pretty much it's like drugs, but it also makes you physically healthier. There's literally no negative side effects. Like drugs! Yes!

Drugs! It's supposed to be brought to you by drugs. What is outbreak? It's a virus? It's a monkey that bites somebody and then everybody gets a virus. But it's a good virus this time. It's a virus we want. Just a good virus this time. It's a good virus.

It's a virus we want. Yes. We'll be like, just spit on me. Breathe in my face. You can have the sharks carrying the monkey around and chomping people.

Healing folk up. Exactly. Patrick Dempsey brings it to the US, I think, in the movie. That monkey would get like an award.

Oh, that monkey would be the great. And they have to capture the monkey at the end to fix the virus. They'd have to just get it to like introduce it to the president or something. Shake his little monkey head. Thank you, monkey, for making us an amazing species.

Everyone's just like ripped as, just like torn shirts. Obama just bulging out of his suit. Skin just glowing. Gorgeous, gorgeous long flowing hair this is a beautiful world protected by four sharks with a preacher in his town spreading love all organized

by this beautiful benevolent robot in space in space he's like God just looking over everybody watching everybody watching everybody get stronger and more powerful in space. He's like God, just looking over everybody. Watching everybody get stronger and more powerful from this wonderful monkey virus.

I was going to choose Galactus as well because he'd be a very good guy. He'd turn up and go, great job, love this planet. Great job, I'm going to throw up another one. There you go. Have some neighbors. Rock and roll. Gal just practice in the mix,

he's like creating new worlds you can kind of travel to and repopulate and we're like super ubermensch. Ubermensch made from this one powerful monkey. Ubermensch is something that comes up in a podcast probably too frequently or not frequently enough.

One of the two. What a beautiful world we ended up creating, right? Good job, bad guys. Yeah. The Death Star was plump. Good job. You guys got any other ones, though? Hmm.

I was initially going to say the Joker, but it's fairly obvious. He's just Batman, really. Yeah, he's just Batman, but multicolored. Yeah. And I feel like, though, he'd turn up every few months and he'd do something amazing and everyone'd be like oh we love this guy and then he'd disappear yeah and you'd be like that's not that great compared to come from yeah compared to the other compared to sharks

shark four um we didn't really flip jaws properly though because if we flip jaws probably it would bring people back to life in the ocean, I guess. Or like vomit at people. Because the sharks aren't committing extortion and... The sharks are not causing like small time Ninja Turtle level mysteries. You're right.

So it's like, alright, I've lost my arm in some sort of battle in the war. You get a shark to vomit you up in the water. You take that person into the water. Say Jaws 3D would come up and be like, oh, I'll heal you. And then you've got him gone. That would work.

Yeah, sure. Yeah, that would work. Sure. Yep, yep. I like the opposite of a shark. A doctor. yep yep i like i like the opposite of a shark a doctor next time someone's like i'm imagining a shark in a like a lab one of them is the brains yeah definitely one of you right one of them does do machines um i i like xenomorphs as an idea spread and love because like what's because xenomorph is

like cold and a bit sticky and a bit frightening. Is the reverse of that like this big fluffy thing? Do they have to look different? Do they? No, I guess not necessarily. It's like, I baked you this cake. Jeez, mate. Does it still headcrump you?

Or is it like a good thing? Like it comes on you and it makes love to your face. I don't want that. Calls in the mornings. No, like it romances you. Like the headcount winds and dines you. You know, it's consenting face lovemaking. Makes love to your face. You get pregnant.

I can't breathe, man. You properly give birth in a non-painful way to a new one. Even good births are painful, mate. This one isn't. Fake. Whoa. It's non-violent. Non-violent.

It comes out. It's like, hey, you're like, oh, I'm doing good. And then I'm going to care for you because you're my baby. How good. What a beautiful world. And if that black goo is part of it as well, that's a black goo that makes things better and nicer. That's true.

You drop on a snake. Suddenly the snake becomes a herbivore. The snake's playing a little guitar. He's playing a little guitar With his tail Reaching about Jesus Yeah, Jesus That's what you want That's what you want

So you want something that spreads fast Well, I think your monkey virus, you know You've made a planet of ubermatches I want sharks though, realistically, if I had to choose Yeah, if we're choosing a winner. Sharks. Sharks. Like Jaws 4?

Oh, my God. Or 4 Jaws? We never came up with a name for the team. The red. Oh, the team. The Jawses. The Jawses. The Jawses.

Jaws Eye. Jaws Eye? The Jawses is pretty beautiful. Defending her. Can we put the Bond villain Jaws in there as well? Just for whatever reason. Yeah, do it. The problem is now we've got Jaws and Jaws.

That's going to be confusing. Yeah, true. Can we call the Bond villain Jore? He only has one. Okay, sure. Whereas Jaws has multiple. I don't know how sharks work. Multiple rows of teeth.

Yeah, that's true. Hey, it counts. Cruella de Vil. Okay, animal rights activist Cruella de Vil. Animal rights activist making clothes out of poachers? Making dog coats out of poachers. Oh my God, yes. And that evil, nasty Mr. and Mrs. Whatever-They-Are

who are keeping puppy farms. Yes. In their house. She's liberating them. She's liberating them. She's liberating the puppies and killing them and making coats from them. I think that you've still made a bad guy just a different bad guy. Like one of those bad guys that's like...

You made kind of an eco-terrorist? Yeah, whoops. I was going to say the bad guys from Captain Planet, but then they'd all just be Captain Planet. Yeah, they would. But Captain Planet would become Captain Pollution, and Captain Pollution would become Captain Planet, and you didn't solve any problems.

In fact, I think it just created war. I fucking hate Captain Planet. I know it's a story for another day. It's shit. What about, I've got a picture here of Freddy Krueger. So just go into your dreams and just make him nice. Yeah, that'd be all right. That's okay, but it's not helping day to day.

But it would be nice to be like, oh, I'm going to go to bed and that nice Freddy Krueger's going to be in my dreams. How's your sleep going? That's good. It'd be like a children's story. You go to sleep and then the nightmares won't get you because the lovely Freddy Krueger is going to be there to stab the nightmares.

Yeah, but there's only one Freddy. So if you had a nightmare, you'd be like, where was Freddy? I've seen him. I know he comes by. But he just, I guess, decided tonight I wasn't going to get fretted. Why doesn't he leave Elm Street? Come with that guy. Yeah, come on. Broad New Horizons.

Come on, Kruse. Billy Zane from Titanic as a good guy. Like a great husband. A great husband. Yeah. That's all right. He's not changing the world, but he's changing one person's life.

That's good, because she went on to do a good thing. So he stopped some weird homeless creep from kidnapping her. Also, it means Jack might get to survive. Yeah, that's true. But Billy Zane would then, because being heroic, he would go down with the ship. He would give up his spot,

probably for Jack. Yeah. And it'd be like a nice little romance moment between him and Rose. He'd be like, so long. And Rose would be like, who the fuck is this guy you just gave your seat to?

He'd be like, he's homeless. Pluto from Popeye. He's like Popeye, but in better shape. He does seem to be healthier. He's not eating so much spinach. No. And he would be the opposite of a rapist. That's good. That's always good.

Magneto from X-Men 1. Yeah, sure. So like making sure that Senator Kelly doesn't turn into a fish man and disintegrate. So that's his sole purpose. This man will not be a fish man, not on my watch. Not on my watch. He's going to be a mutant, but a good mutant, and not shit and die.

I'm going to make sure I test this first. And then the whole world is mutants. How good. That'd be cool. I'd go with that. Good. The two, the wet bandits from Home Alone, they have to defend their hideout from this crazy kid

who's coming in and trying to kill them. Or they would go to town to town and just protect people's houses that went on vacation from some, like, the neighborhood shit kid who's probably going to wreck the neighborhood rowdy. Who was left on purpose. Like, who they hate. It's just like, fuck this kid. My son's a piece of shit. The neighbourhood rowdy. Who was left on purpose. Fuck this kid. My son's a piece of shit.

The penguin! No! On that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. I've been James. Not the penguin! Who do you think is the best villain turned hero?

Is that the question? Enough Tweet to the Sandspants Radio Or just hassle Mr Sunday Movies It'll be a good time I'm busy If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sandspantsradio.com.