Plumbing the Death Star - Where Would You Inevitably Die In Willy Wonka's Factory?

Episode Date: June 16, 2019

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Sands Pants Radio. Maybe I'm in your wallet. Oi, do you like cowboys? Fuck you. Of course you like cowboys. You're not a coward. This July, over at twitch.tv slash sandspantsradio, Jackson is going to be running a live Deadlands game for myself and friends of the show, Adam and Cass. What's Deadlands, I hear you ask? Well, it's an alternate history role-playing game where cowboys are mystical or some shit. Look, I'll most likely be playing a man so inbred his magic, Adam will probably try and cheat the devil at cards, and who knows what Cass is. A mad scientist? Maybe.

What an incredible game. Anyways, follow our sister show, D&D is for Nerds, over on Twitter, that's at D&D is for Nerds, for updates and information on specific dates and times and we'll see you cowpokes in july hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star where we ask the important questions like where would you inevitably die in willy wonka's factory So, lo and behold. We got the golden tickets.

Wonka Mania struck. Ba-boom! And we all were like, fuck you guys, I'm getting a ticket. We went out and bought a milk bar. just so we could get Wonka bars. Yep. Tear them open. And each of us, we three, received one of Wonka's beautiful golden tickets. You can bring a parent.

We're like, fuck our parents. I forgot our parents. No, they left a minute. We were like, what? Huh? Can we just come alone? I don't want to share the chocolate. Hey, it's pretty weird that only kids won.

Yeah, that is weird. Adults eat chocolate. Unless, like, one of their parents won, and then they brought their kid, which, dumb. Kids are stupid. How would you get your golden ticket? I would push a kid and take his. Oh, my God, I won.

Oof. Grab it, run down the road. Hide in someone else's house. Similar to the rich dad dad where it was like, buy a factory and make others do it for me. And then claim it's my ticket. I found it myself. All me.

Yeah. You know how he's got the TV cameras of the whole factory opening it? That's not, no. No. That's harsh. You create the narrative that you, just a lucky, humble man, bought one chocolate bar with his last shilling. Yes.

It is I, Jules Zamit. I bought this chocolate bar with a shilling. And lucky, lucky, lucky boy me. I got a golden ticket. I get this golden ticket. Did you bring your son? No. Oh, no.

Where is he? I get mine the same way that I sometimes get into sold-out concerts. I meet a friend outside who also has a ticket, wet my wrist and press the ticket against it so I get a good imprint, and then I just flash it at the door. Smart. That's great. Does your friend come to? So your friend at the God ticket. I get scared.

My ticket gets scanned first. They think his is the fraudulent one, even though mine is stuck to my arm. That's great. They're like, could you pick that up, sir? No. Just scan my wrist. Can I bring my dog?

Yeah, I guess we can each bring someone. I've done the opposite. I've left someone outside. He's like, oh, hey, you're a piece of shit. I'm like, sorry, man. I've done the opposite. I've left someone outside. He's like, oh, what? Hey, you're a piece of shit. I'm like, sorry, man. You should have gone in first. Maybe I'll bring the kid that I pushed because he got the cops involved.

And I was like, hey, kid, kid, kid. All right. What about if we both go? You and a kid, me and a dog. JD and his angry friend is left outside. You can bring two. No, I don't know if we can. It's funny to imagine you walking through and looking back through the gate and mouthing, two. No, I don't know if we can. That's so funny to imagine you walking through and like looking back through the gate and

mouthing, sorry. Sorry. I don't know. I don't know what happened anyway. That's funny. I'm like, oh, fuck. I could bring someone. No, don't worry about it.

Right in the ground. What the fuck? Come on. Come on, do it. No, I'm good. Just me, old dude. I will scream when Willy Wonka does that trick, when he does the flip.

That's me done. I'm so excited. That's the room outside. That's the room I do. You know the bystander effect where no one does anything? That's me. Is anyone else going to help that old man up? He looks sick.

You think he might have broken something? Oh no, he's up again. It's all slam, guys. No one needs to call the cops. It's alright. Hush dog. We probably should call the cops about the dead man. I think I just get very frightened and maybe slap him for scaring me so much.

I miss it all because I'm like mouthing sorry to my friend through the gate. I don't know. Get me in. You're a lot of plus one. What? I don't think that's true. I just said you were. I'm not sure.

It's even funnier if it's like I've convinced this guy to let me do this. Like it's not my friend. It's just the guy, you know. Not even a guy I know. Just like the other one. Yeah. Like almost like a scalper Hey, man, I'm really desperate for a ticket

Do you mind if I just look I'll give you 20 bucks if we can just like we'll try it if it doesn't work It doesn't work. It's fine. Keep the 20 bucks, but I then get it. He's like what the fuck? I'm sorry my mind the three of us turned up means I'm both had tickets and He's like, what the fuck? I'm like, sorry, man. In my mind, the three of us turned up. Me and Zaman both had tickets, and you're like, I'll work it out. You won't be allowed out without a ticket. There'll be a guy out the front selling tickets. There always is. Lo and behold, there was.

He fucking did it. All right, so the first room. How many shillings do you have to spend to get? I got mine for 20 bucks. Zaman had to found and then destroy a company. You had to push a kid. He's here. He keeps kicking me. I hate you!

I hate you! Now I have to share my chocolate with you! Shut up, kid. I'll hit you again. The first room is the contract room where Willy Wonka's like, sign this contract. It gets smaller and smaller as it goes until you can't read it. Are we signing this contract?

Can my dog sign? Maladie's signing that. I'm signing that. I didn't get past the first sentence. I do not read any user agreements or contracts. You put something in front of me with words, I will sign it. I pay someone. Is my lawyer present? No. Is my lawyer present?

No. Is my accountant present? No. I'm signing that. You brought a dog instead of either. I'm signing that contract. I will sign the contract as well. I just don't think I just can't think of anything that would stop. Like, what's going to happen here? I think I would ask him

why does the writing get small? That's a good question he'd be like hey this is a crime actually you need a contract to be legible Mr Wonka Willie if I can William Willie's not a name

I call him Billiam Bill Wonka excuse me Mr Bill Wonka excuse me Mr Wonka Oi Bill Excuse me Mr. Bill Wonka Sorry I'd be like Excuse me Mr. Wonka Bill Can I call you Bill? No

Billy? Billy? Billy Wonka You can call me Willy I don't know if I like that in front of children I'm calling you Billy Willy's short for William Bill is also short for William

Why'd you pick Willie? You weirdo. All right, so. I think that I would instantly be like, I'll sign this, but know that this is. I'm sus. Well, it's not a law-abiding contract since it clearly breaks the rules. Also, children aren't legally allowed to sign. It doesn't mean anything that my friend, the little kid that I pushed, signed friend.

Maybe that's why they get the adults there. Oh, that makes sense. Well, lucky we are adults. Yeah. It's cool that by taking these tickets, we've robbed three children of a magical adventure. That's awesome. You brought yours with you. And I'm not happy about it.

Shut up, Jackson. Quit pinching me. No. I hate you, kid. Shut up, Jackson! Quit pinching me! No! I hate you, kid! I should be going on this journey alone! It was my ticket! You're a snitch! He got the cops involved.

It's great to say that to one of the regular parents. He got the cops involved. Oh, is this your son? No, he's a kid I had. I pushed him over into a drain. He scraped his knee, got the cops involved. I pushed him. Oh, is this your son? No, he's a kid I had. I pushed him over into a drain. He scraped his knee. He called the cops on me. I got quite a few priors. I couldn't go back. So, you know.

I got a criminal record. I don't know. Let's carry on. Alright, so the next room is there. Hang on a second. Before we do this, old man who, the old mate who would approach us and been like, Oh yeah, Slughorn. Do you want to sell? Slughworth.

Do you want to make a lot of money? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Absolutely. God damn. In a heartbeat. If he's like, just grab me. What does he want? He wants an everlasting gobstopper, doesn't he?

Done. I'd be like, look, maybe. In a second, son. I would say maybe. I would see my options.

I would then approach Wonka at the end being like, Hey, this guy's offering this, you know. What are you going to offer me? I think I'd just say no. I'd snitch on him. No, old man. No?

Why? Okay, it's good going in knowing that we've got our going. I'd say yes to Slythorn, but I'd snitch on him. Hang on, old man. What's your plan with the Everlasting Gobstopper? To reverse engineer it? Yes, that's what he says. I know he says that, but

everyone's going to know that's a wonker product you fuckwit. Who else is making lunatic candy in this world? Also, why is your candy called Slugworth candy? That's gross as hell. I don't want to eat a slug. You know what?

Fuck you. Maybe shut up, Slugworth. You're an absolute fuckwit. It's great if we beat the shit out of Slugworth when he meets us. You look at the kid being like, this could have been you, sicking the dog on him. Ah, good. Wonka will be so proud of us that we beat this man nearly to death.

I'm like, it's not even that hard. I just bought this ticket. There's always people selling tickets. They can't make it on the day. Check the Facebook event. Someone will sell a ticket. It'll be cheap. Sell a ticket.

It'll be cheap. Sell a ticket. It'll be cheap. It'll be cheap. Sell a ticket. It'll be cheap. Sell a chicken? It'll be cheap. It'll be cheap. All right. So you got the room that seems smaller than it is that opens out into the candy wonderland. Come with me and you'll see a world of pure imagination.

Yes. I'm stopping Wonka to ask questions in the middle of his song. Hi. Why is it so small can i eat everything what's this then i'll bite like the railing oh my teeth can i eat your coat give me your glasses i don't think singing i might have checked out i might be playing on my phone yeah that's yeah it's funny that he's i'll probably be patting the dog. Wait till he finishes his song. What would you eat?

So from memory, there's you get the chocolate river. Oh, no. I got a dead dog. Oh, yeah. Dogs can't eat chocolate. But first, you got a shitty dog. No, what happens? Don't they get real excited and then they calm down?

Yeah, so what happens when a dog eats chocolate? So your dog breaks leash, runs over to the chocolate river, laps it up, dunks her head into the chocolate river, slurping it up. I'm like, I know you got that, dog.

Is this chocolate good for dogs? Wonka's like, no chocolate's good for dogs. Then Melody gets very excited, runs around, shits herself, dies. Mr. Wonka, you are herself Dies Mr. Wonka You are sued

Mr. Wonka is a place for me to bury my dog Finding a candy Digging up through the candy earth To bury your dead dog Come with me Oh my god Get your dog away from the river it will die What?

It's cool that this dog is the Augustus Gloop. Will your dog jump in the river? Does Melody like water? She likes water, but she hates baths. Go figure. I'm just wondering if Melody's going to get sucked up that pipe. Yeah, she's lapping it up, getting sucked up that pipe. And I'm like, Wonka, you killed my dog.

Pointing at him, pointing to his chest like, you owe me money. Meanwhile, I am trying to bite everything that I can find in this house. I can do a fierce fight with Wonka for killing my dog. Oi, my dog died under your watch. What are you going to do about it? I think I would probably just be like, clearly this is a room that people walk through.

I don't really want to eat anything in here. I'm going to take off my shoes. You've just witnessed a dog basically die and Jackson is lapping everything up. What's your move? I'm yelling at Yonka, maybe hitting him with something. Not everything in this room is made of candy.

I never said it was. Ow! Please stop biting with such force. Stop biting the same way. I'd have bitten. Ow! What if one part of it is candy? I'm telling you now, Mr. Bailey, no part of it is candy.

You can't know that. What? What is your plan? I think at this point I'm just like, well, this is a cool room. I don't want to eat any of it. I'll wait till the food part. Yeah, fair. There's a dead dog

in the chocolate river. Understandable. Hey, Wonka, I'm never eating your chocolate again because it's tainted by dead dog. Just so you know. Oompa Loompa Dumpa Dee Log. Oh my

God, is that a dead dog? We didn't think that dogs were allowed. But clearly we were wrong. They brought a goddamn dog here.'s great if they're singing that At Mr Wonka

We thought we were pretty clear Dogs can't eat chocolate Let's do it Mr Wonka being like Yep Shouldn't have brought a dog in Yeah Wonka was that in yep. Shouldn't have brought a dog in. Yeah, Wonka, was that in your contract? My dog

signed it. I don't think that kid is that, I think that man is that kid's dad either. Shut up, kid. Shut up, kid. Eat this railing with me. Help me find the business chocolate. Ow! Mr. Wonka, this

room sucks. I can also imagine a world where if Melody doesn't fall into the river, the kid pushes you in it. And I just sink. What happened to that man that clearly wasn't your father, kid? Nothing. You left. He said, I hate this place and left.

That does sound like him. And then you see me in the pipe. You left. Now give me some of that candy. He said, I hate this place and left. That does sound like him. And then you see me in the pipe. My belly's stuck. My belly like squishing against the inside of the pipe. Like my shirt riding off. Ah, Jackson. Ah, this couldn't have been worse.

You get sucked and turn around and then your ass does the same thing. It's funny as well to imagine me climbing down and then coming out and I'm like all red and scraped on the side. What's the next room? That hurts. That ride's no good. That ride I give three out of five stars. It tastes good, but it feels bad. I'm very sticky.

Any water? Getting like a bottle of water and ineffectually put dousing my head. All good. My shirt kind of torn with my red belly exposed. The back of my jeans torn with my red ass exposed. It's also good if I dived in to get Sam's dog. What was I in there for again? Yeah, no, she's dead.

So the dog, I'm like there trying to like shove my hand down her throat, being like, throw up! Vomit it! Spit it in! A dog vomiting on a whole bunch of candy is just so unpleasant. Doing that gross dog vomit. And then she'd go, don't eat it again. I'm watching you.

Tighter leash. All right, my dog is fine, but sick. Okay, so Sam's dog's going to be shitting and vomiting the whole walk to the boat. And you're going to be bare ass,, bare-belly, red-raw. Ow. And sticky. All right. You do should spend that whole thing maybe on your phone on the stairs.

Probably. Just watching Zamet with his fist down his dog's throat. Jackson. I'm glad that dog's okay. Up in a pipe. Not glad Jackson's okay, though. You win some, you lose some. All right. So the next thing that we come across is the ride,

the boat ride, which is just horrific images whilst Wonka sings a poem at us. I might get dizzy and join my dog in vomiting. I'll probably just be like, weird to put a ghost train here, but all right. I'm going to keep putting my hand out the side to get chocolate to drink. It's real gross if you

were at one end of the boat, but I'm down the other. This chocolate tastes like vomit. This chocolate tastes like man vomit and dog vomit mixed together. Is this a new flavour you're trying, Bill? It's not good. It caught on. I was calling him Bill.

Now everyone is. Here, give it a go. Oh, I see what's up. Now that I'm looking at it in the light. Okay. Alright, my bad. Are the other kids there? Yeah. So did we save Augustus Gloop? I think we did. Good on us.

Or he also maybe got hit by on the way up. Maybe Augustus went up, the dog went up and like, I guess this is just part of the part of the show, alright. Everyone went up. Everyone was going up, I went up too. I came back down. With a dog.

Augustus who? Gloop's not a real name. Augustus is barely a real name. Gus I've heard of. Angus? Angus Gloop. All right. Well, when the spooky ghost train ends, I'm just going to be like, that sucked. That had nothing to do with PNV.

Hey, is eating dog vomit bad for a human being? Raising my... So, where's the chocolate, mate? What was that about? I'm still just waiting. When do we get to eat anything? I mean, that was cool. Also, I remember we didn't bring it up before,

but you had little men. You just had little boys working for you. Who were those fellas? They sang a song about Zamet's dog. As a man who likes definitely ethical workers, that seems wrong. It's a strong start for this factory of just like bad things to see. Absolutely.

Were they orange? Hang on, just quickly with the chocolate. Is that the chocolate you use to make a chocolate bar? Because that's not good. That's not healthy. Don't put a boat in something that people are eating. How clean is this boat? Well, not clean now because there's vomit around it.

Okay, so prior to us clearly wrecking things. How hygiene? You shouldn't put, if you had like a river that was chocolate, you shouldn't put wood in chocolate, basically. No. Or paint, which I guess is what the boat's covered in. Well, just open to

like, not the elements, but surely. Alright, well. Something. The next room, you got a couple of different things. Also, if it's liquid chocolate, it's going to be hot. That's true. I'm sweating. I'm burned from my swim. This doesn't feel good for my nausea.

All these chocolate foams are making me sick. God, I'm so very nauseous. It's funny to imagine that Maladie is now just hairless. What's in your chocolate? No, that's just birds. The next bird, my dog, is constantly shitting and vomiting. It's funny that she's just fine. She's okay.

Anyone got a fix? Has anyone got a shaver I'll just shave her Shave off the bits That are still here We'll just have a hairless dog Just shaving the dog Just chucking the dog

Air into the river I really wish The water was already wrecked anyway It gets sick up in it Mr Walker What are you talking about Bill It's fine I know better than most

How much sick up Was in that river. And now a quick word from our sponsor. Well, just a weird pause. But while I have you here, have you heard of our sister podcast, Thumb Cramps? It's a weekly video game review show where three useless idiots have a chat about the video games we've been playing over the last week. We go over AAA games, games on the Switch, old classics, new games that have just come out for the Switch,

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Yep. Spit it out, dog. Has a soup that Willy Wonka puts clothes in, if you'll recall. He's got like a big soup, and he's like, needs a bit more kick, and he puts some shoes in. Ah, kicks.

Yeah, well, I'm going to be like, that's, no. I'm going to be eating shoes, Wonka. like a big soup and he's like needs a bit more kick and he puts some shoes in um oh kicks yeah well i'm gonna be like that's no i might be eating shoes wonka and he also has the gum that is a full meal that inflates violet borogard uh-huh how much of that gum do you think you could eat before you noticed what was wrong no hang on so yeah does he offer any of this to us the everlasting gobstopper we get one each. Okay. Yeah. I'm going to be like, I don't like gobstoppers and throw it at the ground.

I'm like, hang on, everlasting. So Melody is now has an everlasting gobstopper in her mouth. She's never going to stop chewing that. That's how gobstoppers work. That's so much sugar. Wonka, I don't know if sugar is good for a dog. Maybe, Bill, I maybe shouldn't have bought her. I'm just starting to think.

I'm realising. Hey, where's my kid? He's just gone. I think he went off the pipe. You're like, oh, I'm like, I hated that kid. Good. So everybody gets... I don't want to know where he is.

I'm just glad that he's gone. He was rude to me, did you say? He was pinching me. Jackson, say? He was pinching me. Jackson, we all saw you pinching him. No, that's alright. We were pinching each other. You also said, I hate this child.

Heaps. You kept saying, I'm gonna pinch this child. Heaps. Everlasting Gobstopper, I'm just not gonna eat it. You've hucked that to the ground. I'll be like everlasting. And he'll be like, I'll be like, explain this to me

because if it stays the same size, that's too big. Yeah. And no, it's like little and kind of looks like a jack and you're sucking it and it never gets smaller,

I guess. That's fine. Yeah. I'll eat that. You're going to eat that or pocket it? I'll eat it. You're still going to give it to Sloth?

Oh no, we beat the shit out of Sloth. Never mind. Oh, this is a candy. Although if it's everlasting, maybe I'll eat it and then give it back. I'll just it. Are you still going to give it to Slugworth? Oh no, we beat the shit out of Slugworth. Never mind. Oh, this is a candy. Although if it's everlasting, maybe I'll eat it and then give it back. I'll just throw it on his unconscious body. I might pick it up and be like, this is that thing that that old guy we hit wanted. Yeah, do you know

Slugworth? Wait. I probably won't eat it because if it's everlasting, I'm not going to want to take it out and put it back in. Yeah, it's gross. So I'll be like, oh yeah, sweet. I'll hold on to it. I might be like, put it in and be like, yuck, and spit it out at his feet. Although, would I think that far ahead? It's funny because-

Why do you got to huck it on the floor? I don't know. I don't want it. It tastes gross. You know I've had- It's so sweet. You know I have this dog. Now she's got two.

Right. Good. I don't know. No, I'll eat it. It just means that I'll have to sit up the gum phase, which in hindsight means will be good. Yeah. Does he ever off-suit the meal in three?

He doesn't offer it. He's like, it's brand new. And then he turns on the machine and it whirs away. And then one pops out and Violet chews on it. Okay. I too will chew on it. I'll be like, thanks for the free gum. And then I'll turn the machine on again.

Is this a lever pull? Yeah, and then it's like maybe 30 seconds and a new gum pops out. What does it feel like to eat 30 roast dinners at once? I don't know, but you'll know soon. My eyes go completely black. I'm vomiting like this. Whoa! eyes go completely black. I'm vomiting like this black thing.

Whoa! This is like the THX music, but food. A million dinners at once. I've met God. This is too many. Stumbling around. I'm transcending! And then I put my hands on either side of the big thing full of shoes and just vomit a big black

vomit. Fall on my back, exhausted into sleep. Well, walkers like that has never happened. Nobody's eaten that many gums at once. Where did you vomit? Into the soup with the shoes

He just can't use that Or maybe he can Who knows what the black liquid's like I vomited up I assume before I get inflated Surely I'm sick now Yeah you're vomiting You're vomiting

I'm Vomiting Dog vomiting I'm just sucking on this gobstopper being like, I guess it is everlastingly. Cool, I guess. You guys got to try that. 30 roasted dinners is the ultimate trip.

I've never seen God so close. Yeah, I'll give it a bell. Yeah! Doing it again Are you stopping us Bill And we just crank that lever Boom boom boom Smoke coming out of the machine I like to imagine Violet still picks up one

Eats it, turns into a blueberry Where's the Quietly rolled off in the background Up in 30 Vomiting black goo Ghosts are coming out We would ask you Please stop that

You have seen the face of God Oh man Walker This roast dinner drug rules It's not a drug It's gum Why don't you just swallow it We'll give it a go I'm mostly just curious

I don't know Give it to an Oompa Loompa Or implore Violet Beauregard to swallow it Violet She starts inflating I'm like curious. I don't know. Give it to an Oompa Loompa. Or implore Violet Beauregard to swallow it. Violet, as she starts to inflate, I'm like, swallow the gun! See what happens. That's great if Violet explodes. Just Violet juice all over the room. That's blood.

Oh, I see. Yeah, Violet juice, that's blood. She's a person. She was a Violet. That was her name, Jack. She became violet. No. She became the colour violet.

She actually became a plum or something. She became a blueberry. Anyway, I need to lie down. I just had so many roast dinners. Is Bill ushering us on? Yes, I think at this point, definitely. But we've gotten rid of Augustus Gloop and Violet Beauregard. So we haven't changed anything yet.

Look, we haven't saved any children. No. But instead, we've lost an extra child. Yes. You guys have seen the face of God. I'm enjoying a gobstopper gently. Yes. Your dog has no hair and is sick.

Yes. My arse and belly are visible. Yes. Your dog is licking up the black roast goo. I don't know if Melody's going to survive this. Is she a little bit inflated? Yes. Maybe she saw the face of Dog God.

Dog God. I think if Melody, because the human body clearly struggled to contain that many roast dinners, I just think a dog's going to have a heart attack. Melody may have a heart attack. Or she inflates and they just roll her away. Nah, leave her alone. It's good. Now she floats. Balloon dog.

I got a balloon dog. Shut up, Bill. I got a hairless balloon dog that won't stop shitting and vomiting. And it floats directly above people. It's good now. Okay, the next room is a wall where the fruit tastes like fruit if you lick it.

Okay, we're all licking that. I'm biting the wall. Just tastes like flavoured wood and then I'm moving on. Yeah. Might be dragging Maladie away. It's easy now because she floats. Yeah, that's true. She's like a big balloon.

Are we going to go in the fizz's true. She's like a big balloon. Are we going to go in the fizz room? Oh, no. I probably will. You love your soda. You do. I'd look up. Unless I'm like, wait, you got any

Coke Zero? And they'd be like, no. And I'd be like, whatever. Come on, douchey. You like soda. Come here with me.

I'm drinking it. You coming, Jay-Z? I'd look up and I'd see the big rotating fan and I'd look at my balloon dog and I'd be like, not for me, boys'm drinking it. You coming, Jay-Z? I look up and I'd see the big rotating fan and I'd look at my balloon dog and I'd be like, not for me, boys. You enjoy. That's me just

darning as many as I can. I would be curious, but does he say not to drink? Yeah, he's like, please don't go in that room. It's not ready. He doesn't say not to drink, though. This is the conversation I'd be having with you in there. He never said we shouldn't. He just said not to come in and we've already broken one rule well we might as well break his other rule about drinking if he says don't go in there i'm

not going in because i've seen what has just happened come on dushar it'll be fine it'll be fine i spoke to wonka he said it'd be fine hey wonka what happens if we go in there he's out of your fight. Hey, Wonka, what happens if we go in there? There's drinks in there you're not meant to have. They've moved on. I've kept you behind. Come on, you loser. Fine. Come on, you big loser. All right, drink this.

No, I don't think I'd drink it. I'd go in, but I wouldn't drink it. I'd fucking start rising. Dusha, wait, hang on. No, I'm just like, fuck. I'll just leave. Fuck, I didn't drink that. Hey!

I'm so sorry. No! You hit the van. I just tried it. All right, that's Jack dead. Wait, are you a burpy boy, though? Oh, no, I was imagining I'd pierce. You'd pierce?

Yeah. That might raise you higher. Why? Because the fizz. It's propelling you. I've got to get it out of me. No, you've got to get the fizz out, not the... No, it's propelling you.

I'm not in space. It's basically working like space wars. No, I'm inflating. I'm going up. Yeah, but it's gas. Pissing doesn't release gas. Pissing releases piss. It might just propel you up towards...

You're dead. Especially if pissing was your first move. Pissing and then throwing up. No, throwing up would help, but that's just the burps in between. You're dead. You're dead. You cooked it.

You had a chance to fix it, and then you pierced it and you cooked it. So pierce like from the doorway. You see just a pierce like... And then, oh no! Uh-oh. And then just blood. Jackson juice hitting the floor.

Jackson juice all over the floor. The kid comes in and is like, sick. Maladie floats down. Oh, no. Oh, no. Maladie, don't lick it. Don't lick it. No, no, no, it's bad.

She's already floating. That's true. I'm not going to near that fan. Oh, okay, yeah. All right. I took one look at that and I was like, not for me, boys. There's a fan up there, you idiots. Rest in peace, man.

You made it to the fizz room, which look, you're lucky. I know. Further than anyone thought I would get. So then we move on to the next room, which is... The egg room. The room where they do all the wrapping and they have golden geese. Eggs.

Joel Zabit, I do love eggs. Your weakness. He does love eggy-waggies. I do love an egg. Wait, is it chocolate eggs or is it like eggs that I can boil? I think they're just gold. I think they're just made of gold. And there's a lot of wrapping paper.

Frankly, this room is pretty lame. I'm not going to lie. But if they're actual eggs or if there's the idea that they could be actual eggs. Yeah. That'd be enough for you to check it. But the danger in this room isn't the eggs, it's the sorting. It's if you stand on the trapdoor and are deemed a bad egg.

I might be like, Melody, let's see how much you weigh. And try and get on her. But then she just floats. Violet Beauregard doesn't float, she's just a big ball. Oh yeah. Melody just goes

To the trash can packed up But I'm holding Oh no I'm holding the leash But you know when Sometimes how you weigh dogs Is that you get on You weigh yourself

Pick up the dog Weigh yourself together And then you just Subtract the difference The worst one is I can imagine this Definitely happening In real life

Melody I wonder How much you weigh now. Yeah, I wonder how much you weigh now that you're a little bit... Bad egg. Wait, am I a bad egg or is Melody a bad egg? It doesn't matter because you're weighing yourself first. No, I think I'd be holding both of us. Isn't the way that you weigh a dog, you stand on the scale, then you pick up the dog?

Either way, you kind of work out the difference. It doesn't matter what. Well, okay. Okay, if you're approaching a scale, would you step on with Melody first, then put her down? No, I'd probably stand on her first. I would, but I would hold her by the leash.

Either way, I'm strangling a dog. Yeah, falling down and Melody being like... Holding Zammett up by his neck. By her neck, sorry. And Mr. Bill Wonka being like, I don't know what to do here. Dusha's still just sucking away on the gobstop. Melody shitting herself claws into the ground. I think that maybe both Melody and Zammett would just fall. Melody, what's your upper neck strength like?

You're just like, that's crazy. I get another saved child, though. Yeah, that's true. And Charlie Buckets didn't drink the soda, which means that he's... Charlie Buckets. Charlie Bucket, yeah. At this point, Julie...

That's his name, isn't it? Yeah. Does Willy Wonka notice I'm missing? No. Where's that rude boy gone to? Where's that boy that kept eating everything? I imagine he'll just be like, well, the boy who was rude and ate everything

is presumably dead. Something got him. Whatever it was, we don't know. Thank God. Oompa loompa, oh no. Doopty dead. This rude boy is very much dead. Did you just rhyme dead with dead?

Oompa Loompa Dooperty Red. Oompa Loompa Dooperty Dazed. Jackson Bailey is now a paste. He tried to piss instead of burping he's ruined our workplace with piss anyway alright so I'm the

last one standing but will I get out of this factory alive the next place is just a weird ride where you're cleaned. So it's like a weird car called the Wonka-mobile. Everyone gets on it. You get sudsy, you get cleaned. I don't know why it's there. Probably for us, but we

die. Yeah, at that point that should be first. Yeah, it's very weird. Because that could clean you for the factory. I would have questions, but I'd be annoyed, but whatever. That's what I'm saying. I just spit out my gobstopper.

Oh, this could end up being my downfall, because now I don't have anything in my mouth. That's true. I spit out the gobstopper. Well, you made it soapy, you fucking idiot. Fine. Then you arrive in the TV room. So the TV room, they shrink down big chocolate to send it through

a TV. You can get shrunk yourself, I think, if you want. So if you want, it's just if you forced it to happen. I also wouldn't be like, this chocolate is very big and then it gets small and then what happens?

I'd be annoying in this room but I didn't pull it out of the TV. It's kind of meant like a cloning device, but they haven't got the cloning device yet. It's kind of just a broadcasting device. So I put my hand in a TV. Okay. No, no, no, no, no.

That's a question. Yeah. Okay. So we get the big chocolate, and then we broadcast it to everywhere. That's a bad business model, Bill. You're charging for it? Your sales are going to go down.

You've got to buy... I guess it's a Wonka brand TV, isn't it? I just wanted to give people chocolate. Yeah, I just care about chocolate, not profits. You wouldn't be able to afford to run this factory without profits. You know what? That's fine. Hey, communism, whatever.

Hell yeah, bro. Yeah, that's sick. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Che Guevara or whatever. What about when Mike TV shrinks himself? Are you doing anything about that?

Can I put my hand in and grab him? The same way that you presumably can grab the chocolate? Well, you can if you want to grab him. You got a small kid in your hand. Hey, here's your kid. can if you want to grab it. You've got a small kid in your hand. Hey, here's your kid. Why did you want to do it? Because, like, I thought you were going to eat the boy first. I'm not going to eat the boy.

I would eat the boy. Mr. Wonka, is this the function of this to make edible waffles? Maybe I'd pick up the boy and put it in Wonka's hand and be like, this is your doing. See this little boy? You did this. You've killed so many people and a dog today. Also, and then it'd whisper, Mike TV, your name is TV and you love TV.

Your last name's not a personality, idiot. And they'll flick him. Oh, I killed a kid. Into the wall. It's a white room, little red stain as he slides down. Oh, shit. Fuck, Simon. Oompa loompa. Oh, no.

Oompa loompa, and then they all look at each other and they're like, lad brittle did? You've just created a dead level. Another kid. Another dead kid. Oompa loompa. Murder. Wait, oh no.

This is the end. This is the end for me because do you remember what Mike TV's dad is? Basically a cowboy. He has guns. I'm getting shot in that room. Well, he's not there. It's only Mike TV's mom with him. So you're getting shot.

If you're getting shot by Mike TV's dad, it's the moment you leave. Anyway, so... You just killed a kid. Look, I was doing pretty well and I just killed a child. So by this point in the original movie only Charlie Bucket was left, but by my reckoning

it's just you and Veruca Salt. You're the only people left. Veruca Salt being... Where's Charlie Bucket? Oh, and Veruca Salt. You're the only people left. Veruca Salt being... Where's Charlie Bucket? Oh, and Charlie Bucket. Yeah. Okay, so Willy Wonka's going to take you to his half-office and be like, well, I can't give it to all of you.

So I sort of expected most of you to die. Where is Veruca Salt? She goes in the egg room. Oh, yeah, but that's right. But I feel like after she saw a dog get choked to death, she's just not going to sing her I Want It Now song. She might sing that at some point. Maybe in the soap car and get got.

But I'm not sure how. So then, Mr. Wonk, I don't know what happened. Nothing, like there's no law to describe what happens in a situation where more than one child survives. I'm assuming you split it to three. He'll be like, well, because the same thing with Charlie's like,

no, you broke the rule as well. You went into the room. Yeah, that's right. You went in that room. Also, you killed the kid. I'm like, you killed heaps of kids. I killed one. Yeah, sure.

I don't know why I flicked him. All right, so I think maybe you'd be escorted out in handcuffs. Yeah. And then he'd look to Charlie Bucket, who did nothing wrong, and Veruca Salto. Who also did nothing wrong, and Veruca Salt, who... Who also did nothing wrong. He was just a little shit, but she didn't do anything wrong this time.

Yeah, she technically committed no crimes. The worst thing she'd probably do is lean over to Charlie and whisper, Poro. What's it like having no money, Poro? Wasn't your granddad sick? Why is he dancing? But I guess it's kind of good that Veruca Salt gets the company because she knows how to run a business because her dad is a businessman.

Well, she doesn't know how to... She's got her dad's business acumen. No, that's not how... Look, in a long term... Oh, shut up. Sure. It's like the whole thing about I did good at running a business, so my son...

No, but the dad will help run the business. The dad will run the business. If the dad runs the business, then good. Yeah. Look, okay, you have a kid. The kid's 12. The kid gets given a company. Yeah.

You're not going to be like, sick, run that company, kid. You'll be like, I guess I- Well, that's what Wonka wants. Well, he should go to jail. He should. Because that's child labor. He will go to jail.

At the end of this, for sure. Much like me. So I think the moment you're let out in handcuffs, I think everybody gets a ride in the great glass elevator, but Mike TV's dad shoots it. And you all plummet to the ground and die. You get let out in handcuffs, but then you make a deal with the cops to bring down Wonka.

I'm like, well, I didn't realise it was a real child because he was shrunk by this. Is that murder or is that just a freak of nature, an act of God? They'll be like, what? What are you arguing? We're the cops as well. Once we've arrested you, you can't talk your way out of being arrested. I'm in jail for a bit. Then I confuse the lawyers and it's all good.

I reckon if you give some evidence on Wonka, maybe they might go leaning on you. But then you've got to deal with Mike TV's dad killing you in the streets. Shot on the courthouse steps by a bereaved father. Mike TV's dad gets hung by the law. Oompa loompa dooperty dexecuted.

Mike TV's father was executed. And they hang him from the bell tower. So none of us, well Dershowitz technically survived, but he didn't just survive the consequences.

You know? But it's a surprise that any of us made it as far as we did. Surprised any of us got a ticket in the first place. Truly, we were enraptured by Wonka Mania. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. Oompa loompa doobity do this has been another

plumbing the death star for you perfect you had to think about it that's good thanks for listening and if you want to follow us on twitter you can find us at

sanspantsradio or you can find us individually I'm at douche13 I'm at olddog the dad and i'm at god damn it zamit if you want to hear our other shows you can head to sanspantsradio.com and you'll find all our other content there there's heaps and if you want to support us head to sanspantsplus.com uh thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time good night for now but not forever kisses