Plumbing the Death Star - Which 80s Future Tech Seems Good But is Actually Bad?

Episode Date: December 1, 2019

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SANSPANTS RADIO, Australia's dumbest podcast network. do we have great news for you. Dinosaurland is coming to sanspantsplus.com on January 1st 2020. All you have to do is sign up to sanspantsplus.com at any level from now until January 31st and you'll get access to the complete playthrough New Year's Morn. Get in quick because come February it'll only be available to Sanspants Kings. So. So just head to sandspansplus.com today and sign up so you can enter the new year listening to the terrible atrocities that Adam and Cass unleash onto an unsuspecting dinosaur land. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, which 80s future tech seems good but is actually bad?

Okay. So, you know in 80s movies, they're like Oh it's the future 1997 And everyone's like The world is 1999 And everyone who's watching the movie

Is like oh fuck That's so the future Man 20 years from now Holy shit I've never thought that far In the future before And frankly I might shit If I do again

At least assume we were just gonna like Rapidly get like Yes we can get hover cars And you know Matter we've got that figure I might shit if I do again. I used to assume we were just going to rapidly get, like, yes, we're going to get hover cars. You know, matter, we've got that figured. Shit's slow right now, but in two years, three years, it's going to ramp up. So basically a lot of the future tech, and especially in the 80s films,

it's like, hey, wouldn't it be good in the future when we have this? And here at Plumbing the Death Star, we're here to say, no, that's fucking dumb. If you were a futurist in the 80s, we'd like to come to your house, open your door and be like, hey, shut up.

Hey, knock, knock, knock, Philip K. Dick. New name, Philip K. Dickhead. Gotcha. Get off my lawn. Ah, Jesus. We're scared of him. Yeah, I fear the elderly, especially the sci-fi elderly.

Was he dead in the 80s? Yeah, he's dead. Who knows? I could just see Dushan grab that from him. Who's someone I know who's sci-fi? Philip K. Dick! Let's do that! Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, so you got an example to kick things off? Okay, perfect example. Yeah. And this is a thing that in the film, they're like, oh, it's kind of bad, but then they're like, no, it's also cool. Being a Robocop or mech enhancements to regular people. Okay. And I'm not talking about... Cyborgification.

Yeah, cyborgification. The rest of the episode we will refer to it as cyborgification. I've been cyborgified. I don't know, look, look, I got a bad shoulder. I got a bad neck. Let me get a cyborg. Slam it in there. Now I'm all good. I got a bad neck. Let me get a cyborg slam it in there. Now I'm all good. I got tubes and shit poke out of my neck,

but look, I function and I'm in no pain. Yeah. Oh no, the AI is taking over. I'm trying to kill myself. Yeah. So there's obviously a lot of issues and whilst it in some films like Robocop,

it's like, Hey, you've taken this man's humanity. That's no good. That's pretty rough. There's other films where it's like hey this is good and I can't remember any of those titles off the top of my head but it happens heaps

Transcendence? That's not an 80s film. That's awesome. But is that a film that happens? Look no one saw it. No one can dispute me I will dispute you. I did see it and it is my second most, third most hated film of all time. What is this fucking liar saying he's seen that film?

It just pleases me immensely to think that there is a film where someone's humanity is taken by cyborgification and everyone in the film is like, and this is good. He's better this way. Okay, so, yeah. Joining the borg?

Oh, that seems alright. Borgification, as it's called in the Star Trek. Yes, okay, why is it bad? Talk us through. Okay, it's not like just replacing limbs. They seem to kind of get ahead of themselves. Okay, so I'm going to be, what's his name? Officer Murphy.

I forget his first name. I want to say Brad. That's not right. Robo Murphy. I wish I wanted to say Brittany, but that's definitely wrong. So I'm up for some Alex Murphy. So I get cut in half by several shotguns. Sure.

Yeah, you get your arms shot off, and then your legs shot off, and then you get shot in the head. Yeah, and now who's the bugalugs, the big bads? Cyberdyne? OCP. OCP. They're like, all right, we're going to make this man a robot But he's a cop already, so

It does seem weird Put them together It seems like in the 80s, if you got cyborgified So, cyborgification Yeah, if you got cyborgification Yep, found it I did it well It's like immediately any property of yourself is lost

Maybe I don't want to be a Robocop, you know? Well, I think it's because you are property and you become property of whoever built you, yeah? That's true. And also it seems like, say I've got a bum leg, right? My leg doesn't work. And they're like, well, we'll fix it with cyborgification. And I'm like, great.

And then they're like, it's also a gun now. And I'm like, I just want it to walk, not kill. You get planet terror. But Alex Murphy was a cop, so I'm like, I just wanted to walk, not kill. You get planet terror. Alex Murphy was a cop, so he's like, oh yeah, you made me a robot, but I also have now guns for arms. Yeah, he's got a big gun in his leg. That's true. Huge gun.

And his own modified car, which is very good. Yeah, very cool. This all seems positive. I'm waiting to see the terrible drop here. Okay, so brainwashing. Yeah, that's no good. Yeah, very cool. This all seems positive. Yeah, I'm not for Alex Murphy. I'm waiting to see the terrible drop here. Okay, so brainwashing. Yeah, that's no good. Built in, so he was a very good cop,

and then they built in protocols to make sure that he couldn't take down police corruption. Yeah, that's rough. He misses his wife, and she's alive, but he can never tell. Destroyed his family. He can't die anymore. That's rough.

Yeah, but sometimes, look, to make an omelette, you've got to break a few eggs. And to make a functioning society and to clean up what is, you know, Crap Shack Detroit, sometimes you need to, you know, have someone sacrifice his humanity, his wife, his kids, and his morals. That's crazy. They did it. Look, okay, so, like like Alex Murphy got pretty cooked physically

It'd be very funny if he just like had a broken ankle And they're like you're Robocop now What? What happened to the 16 million dollars 16 million dollars you just went up 10 mil The fella the rich one Do you mean the 6 million dollar man? Yeah

Same thing he's in a car accident And they're like we can rebuild him And they rebuild him for 66 million to be better. Is he better? Well, he's a bit better. But man, that just wouldn't fly. $6 million is nothing. They make movies for more than how much it took to make the $6 million man.

But I came out and they're like, we spent $6 million on your body. I'd be like, $6 million? Wow. But he can jump far, though. $6 million on your body. I'd be like, $6 million? Wow. But he can jump farther. Yeah. He runs. He does the... And he does that do-do-do-do-do sound.

Yeah, that's pretty cool. The do-do-do-do-do sound I would take. Anyway, so what's wrong with old Matt Robocop? He's got a cool helmet. Yeah. He's missing most of his body. It's gross and pale. It seems like...

Oh, I hate it there's some weird insistence on putting an ai in your cyborgification which is pretty funny they're like jackson you've got a bum shoulder so we've given you a new one and it has an ai and a head why would you do that computers are cool in the 80s jackson he seems slower what robocop yeah yeah that's true like that's because they've're like, well, he could just take bullets now. Yeah, true. It just seems like, okay, I've got a bung, leg, or knee, or shoulder, and they're like, you know, cyborgify me.

And I'm just like, sweet. And now I want to get up to the fridge. I'm like, oh, this is going to take a million fucking years. I also think it's weird that they made him a man. Yeah, well, in Robocop 2, they fixed that problem. There, Robocop 2 is a guy. Yeah. A guy that was on death row.

Cool. The best cops start on death row. To make an omelette, you gotta break a few eggs. And then you need someone you can do some experiments on. Imagine them coming to you on death row And they're like hey do you want to be a cop Is this a joke Are you fucking kidding me I'll kill you

No you want to be a cop for real Okay yes Alright we're still going to kill you Because what I would do with Robocop Is I would just put him in like a big black cube With guns on either side And treads You know in Robocop how there's that one in the board

meeting that kills that guy? Yeah. That's pretty much what Robocop 2 looks like except it's got a screen that has the guy's face on it. Why do that? What? Who's that guy? I forgot to tell you, Robocop 2 is probably a movie that's made exclusively for you. The big bad is a

10 year old kid. That rolls. Robocop's villain in Robocop 2 is a child. That's incredible. He swears heaps. He takes drugs. I watched the Goonies recently. Man kids could swear in the 80s. The first thing Chunk says is he drops his ice cream on

his titties and he's like, shit. That movie's insane though. Being a Robocop sounds pretty rough But it's not that bad I mean it's like You become Have you ever seen Inspector Gadget's smile?

He's so sad Sure This is just like A little bit of programming We'll fix that Putting in some smile AI Chuck that in there Happy software

He doesn't have AI And his body malfunctions Because he's clumsy So he's this go-go gadget copter and then we'll get a chopper or something and then he'll be like, I'm on a motorbike. That's not go-go gadget.

Gadget. Inspector Gadget? Inspector Gadget. John Gadget. Gadget! What was his name before he was Gadget? John Gadget. Does he remember? In the Matthew Broderick film he gets killed by a falling Yahoo billboard. That's wild. Did Yahoo pay for that?

Yes. Our product will murder Matthew Broderick. It's the same. And then the sign is, it's falling. It goes, Yahoo. So is Inspector Gadget just Robocop, but for kids? He's silly Robocop. He's silly Robocop. He has a copter in his hat, though. Go-go Gadget just Robocop, but for kids? He's silly Robocop. He's silly Robocop.

He has a copter in his hat, though. Go-go gadget copter. It would be amazing. Yeah, I remember that copter in his hat, but imagine if it was too powerful to hold his head up. So talking about bad technology, that one is bad. Like a personalised helicopter that comes out of your head. That's no good.

Not good. Even if you do have a metal neck. Where's Robocop's, sorry Sorry Where's Inspector Gadget's brain It's not in his head There's a helicopter in there Well if I was designing a robot Imagine It opens up

The blades start wearing And brain just goes everywhere Well if I was Oh whoops If I was designing a cyborg Yes I would like If I'm like

Alright I want to make it look like a man Yeah You know have that kind of humanoid figure Sure I'd have that there. But then I would move the brain somewhere else because as a villain, I'd be like, ah, yes, aim for the head. But now the brain is in the leg or the stomach. Dr. Claw or Inspector Claw, whatever it is,

he explodes Robocop's head and Inspector Gadget's head. And he's like, aha, that's not where my brain is, Claw. Or his mouth, apparently. The one on his face is a decoy. So you can't poison him. Well, well, well, I see you've found my fake head, claw. That's when he rips open the trench coat. Go, go, Gadget, trench coat face.

I like how you respect Gadget as like an old-timey mobster. Well, well, well, claw. I see you've found my fake head, see. gadget gang see go go gadget organized crime family go go he gets a whole gang out his chest yeah that's good all right well being a robocop doesn't sound great i mean yeah you lose your humanity and again what if oh wait do you have like phantom itches for everywhere? Yeah, probably. He can't scratch. That's so sad.

Again, he just seems to have lost a lot of flexibility. Yeah. That to me seems the worst aspect. If I got Robocop'd, I'd be like, can I pierce? And they'd be like, no. And I'm like, I'll do it. But can you make it so I can pierce? I don't have to.

It doesn't have to be urine. I just need to pierce. Some kind of coolant. Yeah. Thanks, heaps. Yeah. I just need to pierce it. Some kind of coolant. Yeah, thanks, hoops. They just turn you off. This is a bad idea. When you're in a lake to rust. That's the word I was looking for.

Okay, well, I'm going to put forward in Back to the Future, we saw a lot of weird things from future 80s, but not quite. So I'm going to put forward one that used to freak me out as a kid which was the auto lacing shoes. Why did that scare you as a child? What if it went on too tight? What if it just kept going? It was just one

button and what looked like a winch. Yeah. It just was like we just like enveloped the foot and be like I know. In the thing it stops at the right moment but imagine i'm like oh guys i'll meet you outside let me just put my shoes on you're waiting for me and you just hear a blood curdling scream chop my feet off your feet get crushed pop and you fall face forward and you can't crawl you open the door my toes because of the pressure fire off like

bullets shoot you in the heart because it's gonna have to be like a lot of R&D. There's a lot of, I'm assuming, criminals on death row that we've experimented on who have no more toesies. That'd be terrifying. Imagine you're a criminal on death row. Already scary. And they're like, you cannot be on death row. All you've got to do is wear these shoes.

Do you reckon there's people that aren't scared of death row? I reckon yes. I reckon once you've taken a life, you no longer fear your life being taken. That's my theory. Once you've taken a life, you no longer fear your life being taken. That's my theory. Once you've taken a life, I feel you no longer fear shoes. You're like, yeah, all right, put them on me. I don't care.

I've killed a man. Give me all the shoes you got. What's going on? And it's not just shoes in Back to the Future. If you'll recall, Marty McFly's weird tube jacket shrinks to his body. That's a great way to assassinate a political figure. Your Honour, right? Your Honour.

It's a judge. Before you proceed on my case, please wear this fabulous jacket. Don't mind if I do. That's clever to do it before the case. I was imagining in the middle. I'm like the lawyers, like, Jackson, we're not going to. I'm like, don't worry. I got this. Excuse me. I'm like, the lawyer's like, Jackson, we're not going to... I'm like, don't worry.

I got this. Beep. Excuse me. Man accused of assassinating another person. How? Prove it. I didn't touch him. I didn't touch him.

Assassinate this judge. It was a simple malfunction. You have the button. Oh. Malfunction. I pressed the stop button. Prove that I didn't Would you like to wear a nice jacket? I don't mind if I do

Apart from the excruciating potential death Which I think is a big flaw for these Absolutely It also kind of homogenizes fashion a little bit Okay Because we're all sort of like That is a big fear of yours It is

How many Hawaiian shirts do you wear? So many, but they're all different colours. That's true. So again, I'll have to kind of have these specifications of like you now have tubes that shrink. Yeah. And you have to have these certain boots or these certain shoes that all do the same thing. And yes, you might be looking at me now being like, look at the standard

shirt. It's the same, but we have different. And yes, all shoes have laces. and you know what my argument is flimsy and doesn't hold up I was hoping something would come to me but it hasn't but you know what is weird I mean shoes do have shoelaces

nothing has become homogenised by making shoes tighter but a weird thing that I think is exemplified by the Back to the Future 2 outfits is that Marty McFly puts the jacket on and he can pick the colour and he puts the shoes on. So you need to buy one outfit in the future of Back to the Future

and you're good. Hey, you know, OK, define good. Because you can buy one outfit in current time and be good, but it depends where your good is. Because if your good is, I just want to be clothed. Yes. I would rather not be naked. That's all I need.

But if your definition of good is, I want to be fashionable and I want to have different designs, then both one outfit currently and one outfit back to the future to future but is actually past. Yeah. For us now in 2019. Also not good because it's still the same style of jacket. It's the same colour.

If I had this jacket again in red, I wouldn't be like, wow, fashionable. I'd be like, I've got the same jacket in two different colours. I need to move on. If you had like a button that made it tighter or whatever, could you do a button that changed its design or colour? Maybe I'm wrong, but I thought Marty McFly does press a button that changes its colour, but maybe not. But also the fashion in Back to the Future.

It dries him out pretty quickly, which means that in the future, getting wet a lot is a problem. Imagine right now they've brought out a jacket that dries quick. Why? I'd be like, oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, it gets into the fountain, then it gets all wet, and you press a button, and then it goes sweet and dry, which means that's a hazard.

That's a problem. It rains more in the future. It's a water world. You can swim in clothes. Well, yes, but I mean, yes. The clothes will wear you down. Yeah. Yeah, but.

What if you're in the, hang on. There's something in there. Wait, wait, but... What if you're in the... Hang on. Wait, wait, wait. What if you're in the fountain and then you press the button? Where does the water go? In you? Does it sit in? That's a great question. If it turns into steam, which for some reason my brain does,

that's scary. Just don't move. It's like wearing a kettle. That means you're heating it to like... Boiling. Yeah. You know when it's a malfunction And steam backwards 100 degrees Celsius

Or question mark Question mark Question mark Someone's behind you texting You're like I'm a bit damp Just cook them Oh no My hot jacket

Oh fag I forgot this was a thing it did Fag Yeah that's pretty bad Look the clothes from Back to the Future I mean Terrifying I would just wear regular pants was a thing it did. Yeah, that's pretty bad. Look, the clothes from Back to the Future... Terrifying. I would just wear regular pants.

You know? It's a weird thing. Also, because everything is like, you press a button and it shrinks to you. You know who goes out of a job? Tailors. Yeah, that's humble tailor. That's sad.

It is. Tailors and cobblers, they're out. Controversial. Maybe it's good. Who gives a shit about tailors? And cobblers. Name're out. Controversial. Maybe it's good. Who gives a shit about tailors? And cobblers. Name one that you know. I used to know a fella who lived behind a shop and he'd do your shoes for

cheap. I went and got my pants tailored this weekend. Was the tailor nice to you? They were lovely. Hey, I got a suit tailored once and she was very rude. So, there you go. And I've often had to, so wearing like business pants for work,

have had them damaged and taken them to a tailor. A tailor's been like, that'll be more than you paid for the pants, please. And I'd be like, why have you done this to me, tailor? I wish I was in Back to the Future 2 and you had no job. So maybe I guess they're good. Yeah. Well, okay, I was thinking a pretty rough example of a future technology, and I know it's not really

in the future, but it is in the 80s, is the world of Tron. Is being able to become Tron. Because Tron is a video game you can go into. But let me list the three games you can play in Tron. Yep. Okay, one is throw a disc at each other. The other is

ride a motorbike. I can do that now. And the other is basically dangerous table tennis. Tell me more about this dangerous table tennis. So the way it works is it's called the ring game, which already I'm excited. The ring game. You're on concentric circles going into the middle. Concentric. Concentric,

yeah. Define. Told you you were going to call me an idiot. But yeah, concentric. Boom into the middle. Concentric. Concentric, yeah. The fine. I told you you were going to call me an idiot. But yeah, concentric. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Like, from the outside going in circles. Anyway. That was just for our listeners that may not have known. Yeah, absolutely.

I'm just paying attention to the little guy out there. Somebody else is on another series of concentric circles. Yep. And you have basically, what's that sport where- With the bat. No, you've got to- Badminton.

No, shut up. Shut your mouth. You're making a fist. No, imagine there's a scoop on the end. Oh, yeah, that one. You're hucking them. You know, scoopers. What do you call that game?

No! Scoopers. Scoopers. Scoopers. Yeah, Scoopers. You know the Scoop sport? No. It's not lacrosse,

but it's similar rules to lacrosse. Yeah, lacrosse, but you've got the hand thing, yeah? Yeah. And there's a ball of energy in that

and you have to throw it at the person you're against. Do you reckon people are screaming at you yet? Yeah, people are like, Scoopers! Scoopers! They're like, scoopers, scoopers.

You got it right the first time. It's scoopers. And if your ball is one of the rings, that ring disappears, making a smaller and smaller playing field for you. Until you're in the middle. Yeah. What happens when you lose? I don't know.

You die. You die in Tron and die in real life. Which is probably where your issue with going into Tron is. What's that? Those games are boring. Well, yeah, look, I mean, you could play, because we could play a lot of these now, except for the, like, running a motorcycle at each other.

We can still can. We can. It just seems a lot dangerous. No, it's easy. You tie a rope to a lamppost, and you both just drive around a lot, making the rope tenser and tenser. Yeah. And then

it's the one where you... The walls, right? Yeah, you're motorcycling at each other and you kind of move and you make it like walls. Yeah, so there's a rope tied to a lamppost and then your motorcycle Nah, rope's to a chain. A metal chain. Yeah. Chain. And then you swirl around each

other and eventually crash your motorbike and die. Man, Tron's fun in real life. We can huck a Frisbee to each other. That's easy and fun. The Frisbee game is the worst one. You throw a ring, which is your identity ring, which is where all of your consciousness is stored. Why am I throwing that?

I don't know. That's if I arrived in Tron because I got into the Tron computer. Where's the pornos? I came into this to see some pornos, but in real life. It's great to imagine me going, where's the pornos, and clicking on the program called Tron. That could be porn spelt wrong. Tron.

Tron. Tron. Porn. No, it checks out. And they're like, hey, you are this ring. Tron.orn No it checks out And they're like hey you are this ring Tron.exe I'm in Tron now You throw that ring at someone else who blocks it with their ring

And if you get hit by the ring you die None of these sound like fun games Give me Tron Tetris Throwing your identity ring is good Cause like hey We've been to the UK, Jackson. That's true. If we were at the River Thames.

Yeah, Thames. Thames. No one saw Thames. Thames. Thames. Thames. And I was like, hey, I'll give you $20 if you huck your driver's license into Thames.

You'd think about it. It's funny. I'll give you $20. It's already in. I dropped my wallet in 10 minutes ago. Pay up. Surely you'd be, like, holding in. I dropped my wallet in 10 minutes ago. Buy up. Surely you'd be like holding on to that for dear life. Maybe I'd be putting that in like a Tron safe.

Yeah. I just feel I wouldn't be throwing that around in a game. It does seem. The problem with Tron is just that no matter what kind of game it is, before we were recording, we started chatting about Breath of the Wild. Yeah. Say it was like Tron, but it was like Breath of the Wild. Suddenly we're like sucked into that.

After a while, kind of boring. Yeah, absolutely. Tired legs. Yeah. And hands. The beauty of a video game is I'm sitting. That's why the Wii didn't do so well. You need to move your hands.

No, I'm afraid I won't. Just double checking. The Wii didn't do well? Just checking. I just want to clarify your statement there. One of the worst selling Nintendo consoles. Absolutely.

Not a global sensation. You're thinking of the Wii U. Oh, my mistake. When they were like, oh, no, people like sitting down. Yeah, people like sitting down and wish the screen was closer to their face. People hate casual gaming. We found people were playing the Wii by putting their forehead to the TV screen. And refusing to stand up.

Maybe we should invent the Wii U. Yeah, that makes sense. But, yes, I just think that Tr tron or even going into any video game which the 80s seemed to be obsessed with as an idea yeah like it was cool i don't want that i want to be able to put it down and take a shit yeah i also don't want to have to be like um look up and then see how many lives i have left that's worrying yeah i don't know i already know i have one that's okay if i look up and i see three I'm like why imagine if you find out that real life

is programmed like those video games where zero lives is your last life so like you look up and you're like oh yeah I got one life then you die

and you got a second life because it turns out zero counted it really makes you think does everyone else know this am I just back do I burst out of a coffin

like guys it's like Mario it's not zero zero zero everyone we got one imagine me bursting out of a coffin like, guys, it's like Mario. It's not zero, zero, zero. Everyone, we've got one. Imagine me bursting out of a coffin at my funeral. I'm like, it's like Mario. And there's like this deathly silence. One of you was like, in what way?

How is it like Mario? You jumped out of something. I'm like, is it because you jumped out of a thing? No, because the meaning of life is killing turtles. Run into the pond. Cannibal Holocaust had it right this whole time. Very much you putting up your hand. Is it because?

No, next question. Anyone else got a guess? And now a quick word from our sponsors. Also, hey, Plumbing the Death Star is all fine and dandy, but did you know we produce a whole bunch of other podcasts? Like, maybe you want a show that is bereft of the plumbing boys and their bad opinions, and instead featured our good friends, Levins and John, reviewing all of your favourite indie titles.

If this sounds like you, then why not head to sanspantsradio.com and search for All The Small Games, our indie review podcast that's far better than it has any right to be. Yeah, look, if you aren't doing a video game, no good. And yeah, you might die. And I'm already trying to avoid dying in real life. Yeah, and dying in real life, potentially a little bit easier than dying in Tron where there's three activities, all of which kill you.

Yeah, all of which kill you and all of which suck. There is a lot of variety to accidental deaths in real life. What if I ate someone's identity cube? You would be. If they throw it at me, I grab them. It's about that big. It's about the size of a dinner plate. How big is a loaf of bread?

But you know what? I can break it up into little pieces and shove it in my mouth. That's a good point. Okay, you eat it and win Tron. High score. I feel like you wanted to say that it's like you're eating someone's ID. Yeah. Who cares?

You look like an idiot. But it's their consciousness. Do I gain it? No. I don't think that's how Tron works. How do I get it? I don't know. You've got to go ask Tron himself.

You don't just gain someone's consciousness just because you want it. You can't be like, hey, my if i eat my friend i get their brain yeah yeah i get it that's how dumb you sounded you gotta ask clue or tron or boy from tron 2 baby tron yeah yeah anyway look i don't think it's ideal i don't think it's ideal either i think it kind of sucks there's a lot of i feel like again this is one of those situations where i can't think either. I think it kind of sucks. There's a lot of, I feel like, again, this is one of those situations where I can't think of any specific examples, but I also know that there's a lot of times where like,

oh, being sucked into a video game rules. I feel like being sucked into a video game is also maybe more 90s than 80s. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, actually, because of The Wizard and The Wizard. Yeah, there was like a book that we had to read for year seven where it was all about getting sucked into a game.

Yeah. But I forget what that was called. But I know there was three of them. Or what it seven where it was all about getting sucked into a game. Yeah. But I forget what that was called. Or what it was about. It was about getting sucked into a game. Thank you so much for that contribution. Hey, what about Jumanji Welcome to the Jungle? Hey, that's a modern example, and it's no good there either. Yeah, they hate it.

They're like, hey, we're this new fella now. Welcome to the jungle. I haven't. Yeah. Because, like, it's 80s graphics. Yeah. So if you get transported, do you get, like, little blocks? Well, in Tron, when they go into Tron, they get basically white jumpsuits.

That's cool. Which, don't show off a bulge. Wait a second. Fashion is homogenized again. I hate it. It's greatest fear. Oh, no. But, yeah, they get white jumpsuits.

No bulge, I noticed, but I don't know what that means. Maybe it's just tucked away. I'm not sure. Probably. It's just something I'm concerned about. What? No bulge in your white jumpsuit. Well, I guess if you're getting things hocked at you,

you kind of want it protected. Yeah, maybe there's an inbuilt cup. Imagine if you could get knocked in the nuts in like... Because I sort of feel like if I've gone into a video game, I want the damage to be like a video game. If Mario jumps on a turtle, he doesn't get a sore foot. He dies. Yeah.

Well, not if he jumps on top. You'd be playing a wrong Mario. Oh, mama mia! Didn't imagine like the Mario falling down. I imagined his soul going to heaven. That's nice. But yes, no. No good.

Being in a video game, no good. Yeah. Another thing about just being, I guess, not even being in things, but creating a thing that you like. It's kind of the opposite of being in a video game, actually. It's like bringing a video game to real life. I'm talking about Replicants in Blade Runner, mostly.

Okay. No, Replicants in Blade Runner, mostly. No, replicants in Blade Runner are the opposite of video games. Douche is so right right now. I've never been more on point with anything. This episode has been held together by a string since the moment we started and it's continuing that way. You can fly off the handle at any point. The opposite of a video game. It's a replicant.

No, it's the opposite of going into a video game. You're bringing a video game into real life, replicant. No, it's the opposite of going into a video game. Sorry, you're right. You're bringing a video game into real life, i.e. creating a robot. Okay. A robot who thinks it's a man, which is what Mario would think if you brought him into real life. That was my train of thought.

I'm with you. Look, I'm not on the train, but I saw it go by, and I'm like, I think I could catch it. I could catch it, but I choose not to. So the two things replicants can do, mine and fuck. Oh, and hunt other replicants, I guess. Well, off the debate.

Well, what's wrong with that? That sounds good. And they die in three years. Yeah, four years. But they die in four years. Nate. They have fake memories. Yeah.

They often, when they realize that they're replicants, go on violent rampages. Yeah, that's memories. Yeah. They often, when they realize that they're replicants, go on violent rampages. Yeah, that's unfortunate. You know what else you can just do? What? Hire adults. Yeah, but they're mining in dangerous places, yeah? Yeah.

Build robots without, like, memories. Yeah. Wait a second. Droids. No, drones. Drones. Drones. It's so weird to be like, okay, drones. Drones. Drones. It's so weird to be like, okay, we need mining people for the colonies.

And they're like, cool. All right, but I want them to be people. I want them to have lives. Yeah. Why? Shut up. And then also they're creating people that can die. So putting them in a dangerous situation doesn't really fix it, I think.

Yeah. It also must suck that every four years your troop of miners just die and you're like, well, it's part of the deal. Can you recycle them? Yeah. Good question. Also, it always seems like the replicants... They bleed. I don't know if that helps. It always seems like the replicants, because they start to deteriorate after a period of time, right?

Yeah, Roy Batty just wants to be remembered and then dies. Yeah, but how long between the deteriorating beginning and them dying? If I have a group of replicants in my mind mining borax or whatever. Unobtainium. I'm mining unobtainium because Pandora's out.

We mined it bare, baby. Yeah, so if they die in four years, is it like three and a half years and I'm seeing the signs? Yeah, that's kind of... Because that's annoying. That's the plot of the first scene. That's so dumb. Yes.

But it's like... That is. Yes. But they're retiring by like brap, brap, two in their head. I'm sitting up in a nice little village and be like, off you go. They've realised they're replicants, but also they've realised that time is running out and then that's why they need to be put into retirement.

You know what else is so funny? You can't tell... Wait, do the replicants on the mines know they're replicants? I don't know. Or are they like the replicants in Blade Runner where maybe they don't know they're replicants? I think that they don't... Because then imagine having to keep up the lie

about your robot employees. One of them's like, I'm not feeling so great. And in your head, you're like, yeah, well, you're done. You're dying. But instead, you're going to be like, Dave, that's weird. Yeah, Dave, take a sick day. Take a sick day, I guess. God, we live in a dumb society.

Yeah, it just doesn't make sense to me because, like, building a replica, like, build just a regular robot, like some IG-88 fuck. Yeah, absolutely. I don't know why there's this insistence. Put a fucking toaster for a head. Who cares? Just give it powerful arms and that's it.

I want you to imagine just like a skeleton frame. No, just a big stick. It's made of heavy metals and then you get arms to the side and jackhammers and then that's it. And I control it by a joystick like six fucking

miles that way and there's a video screen attached to it no that's too face light not his head on his chest area bring back the

Robocop cube just a black cube with trans with drills with drills that's funny because I'm imagining the drills coming

out the side like that yeah we should have made them more maneuverable all it can do is go down that's alright Mr. Bailey That's funny because I'm imagining the drills coming out the side like that. Yeah. We should have made them more manoeuvrable. All it can do is go down. That's all right.

Mr. Bailey, this does not mine. What is mining? This is a bad time to bring up. Because you're mining. What is it that, say, a replicant who I assume acts in various different intelligence levels like humanity does. So what's the benefit of having someone like that in the mind as opposed to just a robot?

I don't know. It seems like they could just get annoyed and robots wouldn't. Yeah, they could be like, I hate working this because you've given me emotions and feelings. You know how you as a man don't like going down here? I also don't like going down here. It's not good down there. You've given me the exact same kind of bullshit that you suffer from.

Why? Yeah, but you're going to die in four years for some reason. So suck on that. I hate this. There is a replicant rebellion in Blade Runner 2049 as well. So both of these things are addressed in the film. Well, good. Whoever made them are big dumb idiots.

Big mistake. Fucking Jared Leto. Yeah. Dumb fuck. Fucking idiot. To prove that he'd made better replicants, he makes one kill itself. Yeah.

That doesn't make sense, Jared Leto. You've proved nothing. Yeah. Excuse me, Jared. All you've done here is you've shown me a thing. It's like, hey, we've made better milk with this cow, and then you shoot the cow in the head. Hello, Jared Leto, you egghead cow.

Can you use this gun on yourself? Shoots up and waits. Hell yeah, this milk's going to roll. Bang. Jared Leto, you've not made better robots. You've just upset me. I know that this... Excuse me, Jared Leto.

Yeah, I know that this is a replicant, but you know that they look exactly like a real man and bleed like a real man. This just looks like you've made someone kill them. I can't tell the difference. Please don't do that to me again. You've just upset me a lot. I feel like I've seen a man die

Violently Why? What did you aim to do here? Because you didn't do it Is this also Is it cheaper as well? It seems like building a person Seems expensive and pricey

Whereas going somewhere Maybe a place where Life is cheap, acquiring human life. A lot of the times in the future we... Hey, does this make it better? Sometimes maybe, potentially, hard to say, purposely misleading. Maybe replicants can have babies too. Well, that rules. Now I'm on board now.

I like when we play God too much. There's a limit, and once we're over it, I'm into it. You know? You know how humans play God? What if we made a reverse God to fight God? Make our man-made God take down God.

My mind is like Jared Leto makes a big replicant. I'm gonna kill God. It stops around the city. It doesn't know where God is. Excuse me, have you seen God? The big replicant stops around the city, comes back to Jared Leto.

Where is he? Oh, he's up in heaven. Go, go, go, go. Okay. Walks around, comes back. Where's heaven? Just up. Climb. Climb. Okay. Walks around, comes back. Where's her... Just up. Climb.

Climb. Okay. Sus, Jess. Don't. We shouldn't have made our tech geniuses just crazy weirdos probably. That was a mistake on our part. Okay, yeah. No, replicants suck.

I don't know why we create bad. Bad, bad, bad. Dumb idea. Okay. Maybe not from the 80s, but something I was thinking about would really suck. Everyone thinks it's a fucking great idea, which is replicators on Star Trek. Yeah.

All that kind of spaceship's like, I want a meal. Press a button to get a meal. Yeah. That sucks. But you can write whatever you want in there. Yeah, but you have no copious amounts of ham. Go.

Bang. I've broken it. Define copious. Just too muchious Imagine a big Because it's like a microwave So imagine an everlasting I know that I said before define meaning like please tell me I meant what is your

What is your copious amount of ham So much ham the enterprise crashes And does a machine know that that Or will it just give you an Underwhelming amount of ham Enough to fill the room and crush me. Picard being like, what the hell? Ah, yes, I see.

Copious amounts of ham. Okay. Why do we program this? You've put in copious amounts of ham and you're like, the replicator's going to blob this ship and I will die instead of just shoots one bullet into your head. And it's like, you'll never know. Damn it. The replicator knew

it knew I shouldn't live because like I'm guessing you're choosing everything from a pre-programmed thing so I want chicken Kiev I want roast turkey I want you know

deep fried tofu boop boop boop yeah right and so it's understandable everything is from this kind of like what we already exist but there's no food

imagination. There's no one creating new foods or flavours. Because we're going in Star Trek to all these new places, all these new worlds assuming all these new beasts and plants we can consume. And we don't know what it tastes like. Instead on the fucking Star Trek, all the booze is like yes, a cheeseburger.

A hamburger. It's insane. Other kind of burger. It's like, come on. You have some kind of flying bug. What about that hand of God? That tastes alright. Let me eat that. God's back in Star Trek and he's in trouble. And we're hungry. I'm gonna eat you.

God runs away. With the replicator, do they ever get chicken? Because that's crazy. It's so far in the future. How are chickens still around? Or are chickens like a thing we know from history? Jackson.

Jackson. Yes. Oh, my God. Yes. Hey, what's meat made out of? Meat? No, just meat in general. So you've got chicken.

Muscle. Protein. Yeah, muscle, protein, yeah. Okay, that's the chicken. I can't believe. What's beef? It's cow. So why is the existence of chicken blowing your mind

but the existence of beef, you're like, yeah. Well, beef is just as baffling. It's just crazy that our food is still chicken. I thought where you were like, oh, my God, chicken. And the only reason you thought that is because chicken, the food, is the same name as chicken, the animal. Oh, so you say, yeah, but that's what I mean. So like, are chickens still a thing? Well, we don't know.

For the Federation. Because we're not eating it. They are, but they're calling whatever they have chicken. So is it not chicken? We don't fucking know. I've never seen a chicken in Star Trek. Granted, I haven't seen that many Star Trek episodes. Does Picard know what he's typing in?

Hey, Jackson, if I was like, hey, eat this burger, it's full of fucking horse, and then you eat it, you're like, oh, this actually is pretty good. You're just going to assume that was a horse burger and that I didn't lie. Yeah, so are you saying that the replicator isn't making chicken? We don't know is what we're saying. But why is chicken an option? Because it's meant to taste like chicken. But how does anybody it's chicken and option. It's meant to taste like chicken.

But how does anybody know what chicken tastes like? It's so far in the future. How do you know what anything is? Because I've eaten chicken. What are you saying? No, but you've eaten what people call chicken. It's just a name. Yeah, so you think, say like 2,000 years ago,

they were also eating chicken. Do you think that? It tastes the same thing. Huh? Yes. Okay, so you're eating chicken in the past okay yeah we're eating on this journey all right yeah we're eating chicken in the past okay it's centuries it's millennia ago we ate chicken yes somehow a millennia past yes and the idea of the chicken has persisted okay to the To the point where the people, this is what you're claiming,

the people in the enterprise are searching chicken in the replicator without knowing what a chicken is and then eating it. What do you think happened to Earth? Chickens won't last that long. We have. Yeah. Why is chicken bothering you so much and not beef? It's bothering me just as much.

Chicken's just the example. Why do you think there's going to be a mass chicken extinction? Why do you not hate pork? I don't. Or turkey? I don't. I'm so hot. What do you think they're going to be eating?

It seems crazy to me Either there are farms with chickens on them in Star Trek Okay, okay Yeah, which is crazy Okay, look, hey So when did the first domestic chicken happen? I don't know, centuries ago How long in the future is Star Trek from now?

Oh my god The future, it's hard to say If chickens were around they would just be big, fat balls of flesh. Why? Chickens won't remain. Because chickens are constantly evolving. Oh, my God. But man isn't in Star Trek.

I don't know why that is. Because no one domesticated man. Why are chickens evolving into a big ball of flesh? Because that's what we're doing with chickens. Okay, Jesus Christ. The domesticated chicken dates back to at least 2000 BC, so shut the fuck up. It's a different chicken.

The problem you have is the same problem that currently exists. So someone in 2000 BC has been in the future, and they say they're eating chicken. I reckon they're not going to be eating chicken And then you're going to have two of their friends Being like what the fuck are you talking about The people hearing this episode Know what I'm talking about

In me caveman, my good friend caveman Imagine 2019 What if they eat chicken They eat chicken good How they eat chicken We eat chicken now You say eat chicken We eat chicken now You say chicken live as long Yeah we live as long

Chicken live forever We breed chicken More chicken come we eat chicken Look up on your little computer How far in the future Type into your little fucking computer Type that one How far in the future is Star Trek from now?

Oh, my God. Okay, when is Star Trek? Where's Star Trek from now? One of the search options looked like it said, 20, okay. Okay. Jackson, when is Star Trek set? Oh, 2,360.

So, we could conceivably have Great great grandkids Are roughly that much They will be eating chicken And the replicator Great great great I've rescinded my previous statement You're a fucking idiot The replicator maybe it's good

My issue is because we are Finding new species of You're a fucking idiot The replicator Maybe it's good Yes So My issue is Because we are Finding new species Of plants Like proteins And that kind of stuff

And we're stuck with The simple basic Of like chicken sandwich Also Or eggs or whatever Check out this shit Jackson What's your favourite fact

About candy bananas That there are no candy That they come from A banana that doesn't Exist anymore Yes And when did that flavour stop existing? I don't know, like 50 years ago? World War II.

Yeah. Uh-huh. So then, what when we say it's banana flavour so we've clearly got the technology to preserve flavours, we have for 50 years. But, when I assume Star Trek took place several thousand years in the future the idea that we had kept chicken as a flavor despite losing it

seemed insane to me. Learning now that Star Trek takes place only a couple centuries from this moment, the idea of a chicken existing is no longer ridiculous. Why do you assume chickens are going to be wiped out? Why was I in the public too much? It's coming. Chicken abogaloo.

She's actually like, before I die, I will kill every chicken. I'm going to end every fucking chicken on this goddamn planet. Apart from the chickens wiping out. My issue is that the food imagination goes and chefs are out of a job. Yes. Think about like Star Trek. Think about like the big ship. All these people are going to be like, ah, yes, I need to

feed them. Oh, they have to hire a cook? Press a button. Well, what seems crazy to me about the Star Trek replicator is it can make one meal at a time. That's a crew. Like, that sucks. If you come in late to lunch, you're waiting hours for your meal to arrive. You're an idiot again.

Well, you gotta boop food. Boop food? I don't know. That just seems like make a big one. Hey, Jackson. Yeah? Imagine a restaurant. I'm imagining. No, imagine it's a busy restaurant. Okay. You go in, you sit down, you order. Yeah. They literally

cook the food and bring it to you and it's about a half an hour wait. And it's a busy restaurant. I'm looking at like 300 people. I just mean that it could be more efficient. Having one replicator in the canteen seems crazy to me. I'm sure they have more than one. It never seems like it.

This is getting these in the wrong bonnets. Let's talk about vid screens. I'll concede to whatever at this point. Sure. What's your problem with these fucking screens? Vid screens. In every 80s movie, they assume that what we want is, oh, wait, that's just FaceTime.

It exists. Do we like it? Personally, I don't love it, but hey. It's pretty good. I've heard it's great for long-distance relationships. It's really good for long-distance relationships for people you haven't seen in a long time. Well, I guess the difference in the 80s

is that they assumed that would be the norm. If every phone call was face-to-face, would that be bad? It is very normal to see people's faces. No, I mean, like, it's not. When was the last time you called someone on a phone? Yeah, ages ago. Well, okay, yes. Every single phone call.

To banks, to everyone. You're talking to a face. You don't need that. Communication, communication. Because nowadays, mostly we communicate via text. Via either, like, you know, a messaging service or simply just service or simply just SMS or whatever it is. So yes, I agree. I would use messaging services a lot

more often than I would face-to-face. Yeah, absolutely. That's a pretty good service. Guts gets the job done. It's really useful. It just seems like an extra annoyance to be doing something with the bank and have to look at their face.

No more phone calls on the shitter. Have you? Have you? Have you? It's technology. You clearly have never had a job because people have meetings like that all the time. I've chatted to people over Skype.

No. It's, you know, we've done... It's so common. And it's just, again, very useful. Could be better. I don't know. It's just a very useful bit of technology, Jack. And on that note, I've been Joel.

I've been Jackson. And I've been Joel. Look forward to FaceTiming you all very soon. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at SandsPantsRadio or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13.

I'm at OldDogsOfDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to SandsPants, or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps! And if you want to support us, head to SandspantsPlus.com Thank you again for listening, and we'll see you again

next time. Goodnight for now. But not forever. Kisses.