Plumbing the Death Star - Which 80s Horror Villain Would Make the Best Boyfriend?

Episode Date: February 14, 2016

In which our heroes get our match-making skills out, take turns on the Love Tester and write up a pros and cons list to determine which of the 80s horror villain would make the best boyfriend. We look at how these potential boyfriends would handle kids, who would be a good listener and the problems of entering into a relationship with a doll who has the soul of a serial killer, his doll wife and their ready-made doll family. Jackson thinks Michael Myers is a fixer-upper, Zammit can’t get past facial deformities and Duscher has a traumatic camp story to bond with Jason. It’s a formula for love compatibility as we rank your favourite villains. Want to help villains find love too? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a specialised dating app. Hankering for some sweet geeky loot every month? Do us a favour and go to http://www.geekfuel.com/sanspants and sign up to receive your (possible) The Thing today!In the mood for some Young Adult reading? Just search for Keys of Cobolt on amazon.com today or follow the link http://tinyurl.com/keys-of-cobolt to enjoy some sweet man vs god vs demon vs the undead adventures. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Own each step with Peloton. From their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it means to be a runner. Whatever your level, embrace it. Journey starts when you say so. If you've got five minutes or 50, Peloton Tread has workouts you can work in. Or bring your classes with you for outdoor runs, walks, and hikes, led by expert instructors on the Peloton app. Call yourself a runner.

Peloton all- Call yourself a runner. Peloton all access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. Sandspan's right here, knuckle deep. Today's episode is sponsored by an e-book and a live show that's not ours. Anyway, if you like reading and books and reading e-books, particular ones that revolve around psychotic gods, tyrants, the undead and the like,

search for The Keys of Cobalt, Hunt for the Solar Warrior by DK Roman on Amazon.com and follow the exploits of our young hero, David, as he's caught in a civil war between gods. Also, are you in Adelaide at any point from now until the 27th of Feb for the Adelaide Fringe Fest? Why not check out Sporadic Productions' take on Doctor Who's Midnight? It's a live-stage version of the classic Doctor Who episode, Midnight. Really, it's all in the title there, gang. Just work with me here. You know the episode.

It was kind of like a bottle episode. Like, Donna had buggered off to soak up some rays, and Tenet was like, whatever, I'm just going to take a shuttle to see a waterfall of sapphires, but then some mimic monster or whatever comes in and everyone gets all super paranoid. Anyway, it's real good. Zammit fact for you, that was the very, very first episode that I ever saw of the new Doctor Who series. Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, those buggerlugs are performing that at the Adelaide Fringe. So go see it. Just head to adelaidefringe.com.au and search for Doctor Who Midnight to book your tickets today. Now, onward to the show. Hi, guys. Welcome to a very special, sensual episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, ooh, which of the 80s horror movie villains would make the best boyfriend?

And I would do anything for love I'd run right into hell and back I would do anything for love I'd never lie to you and that's a fact. But I'll never forget the way you feel right now. Oh, no. No way. And I would do anything for love.

Oh, I would do anything for love i would do anything for love but i won't do i'm a little wet yeah i know all right so we did it with doing it with these 80s villains with 80s villains we're moving through time we got a list of them here we got Freddy from the Nightmare on Elm Street series I struggled with that is it this one?

Jason from the Friday the 13th series except the first one because he's not in that one that's his mama, spoilers Chucky from Chucky from Child's Play 13th series except the first one because he's not in that one that's his mama spoilers his mama Chucky from Chucky no Chucky from

Child's Play nice try though Michael Myers from Halloween and The Thing from The Thing those are our 80s movie monsters

let's see so we'll do the same scale that we did with Hammer Movie Monsters where we'll give them a score out of 10 we'll go through them each individually,

talk about their pros, talk about their cons. Yeah, exactly. So we'll go through the list in the same way that we just read it out, I guess. All right, so Freddy... What's his last name? Kruger. Freddy Kruger. That's the one.

Mr. Kruger. Mr. Kruger. Con, troubled past. Con, potential pedophile Yeah Pro, good with his fingers Con, bad with his fingers Well I mean good with his fingers

But good with his blade fingers Pro, probably good at the garden Yeah look, handy He has all the pros of Edward Scissorhands And none of the cons of Edward Scissorhands And none of the cons of Edward Scissorhands Being a child And not having actual hands They're just gloves that Jason Freddie can take off

And that's okay Cons lives in a boiler room Of a high school Cons Is ethereal He's a ghost Can only visit me In my dreams.

Con, nobody's going to know I'm dating him. People are going to be like, where is he? And I'll be like, I see him in my dreams. Oh no, I'm going to be that person. He's an imaginary boyfriend. That sucks. You're like, no, no, no, I'll show you. And then you dream together and he kills your friend

by becoming like a snake or some shit. Cons, all these puns. He's going to get regretting fucking Jason. you dream together and he kills your friend by becoming like a snake or some shit yeah uh cons all his puns he's gonna get regretting fucking jason and also when you give him when you give him little kisses his head is pretty much just an open wound i was gonna say con he is a burn victim and that's more of a like that's something about zamit that zamit can't get past so i don't want to make that a con but it is a personal con like a personal con that maybe i can't get past, so I don't want to make that a con, but it is an issue. Personal con. Like a personal con, like maybe I can't date a burn victim. Personal pro, he's a burn victim.

All about it. That's my kink. Yeah, I don't know. Con, and I guess it's going to be a con for all of them, but he's got a personal vendetta. That's true. Like he's going to be... Not all of them.

If I want kids, I'm going to be like, he's killed kids.. Like, he's going to be... Not all of them. If I want kids, I'm going to be like, he's killed kids. And also, like, I'm just going to be like, hey, what are you doing tonight? And he's going to be like, I'm going to go stab teens in their dreams.

And we're like, I thought we were going to have dinner, but that's fine. Be my dream warrior. Yeah, and aren't you kind of like, darling? Yeah, con, you're at risk of dream war. That's true.

Can't be like, hey, darling, look, I know you've got a thing about, you know, wanting a vendetta, but they're just kids. Leave them true. Can't be like, hey, darling, look, I know you've got a thing about, you know, wanting a vendetta, but they're just kids. Leave them alone. You're like a 30-year-old man. I don't think you can change.

Bury the hatchet. Was he getting back at the kids or the kids' parents? I think just the bloodline. The Elm Street bloodline. Whoever. Whoever was... See, I'm kind of confused with this because I've seen the original, but I've also seen the remake,

and they're just blurring, and I can't remember... I've seen the Treehouse of Horror episode, and that's just taken so much precedent right now. Because with Nightmare on Elm Street, the remake, he's suspected... The way he dies and the reason why he's got a vendetta is because he's suspected to be kitty fiddler and the parents like he no charges are pressed the parents taken into their own hands to can like to commit like

um not vengeance what's it called what's batman vigilante vigilante justice vigilante by committee yep um so like they go to the boiler room and they torch it while he's still in there and he burns alive And then he's like Nah fuck these kids But not fuck these kids So was he a pedophile Or just a real pedophile The movie leaves it ambiguous

But it sort of leans towards Yes probably I don't remember Does the original See the original That's why I can't remember I know he gets set on fire Because that's how he's got

Like those burns I know he He kills Johnny Depp Johnny Depp tries to stay awake, but he fucks that up. Yeah. He can't have pets because he's going to be like, hey, I bought this cat. He's like, well, there's more than one way to skin a cat.

And I'm like, we just fucking hell. This is a pet for me. Mr. Kruger. Just calm down. Don't be mean. He's going to make me cry a lot. He is. He's a hurtful He is He's a hurtful man He's a hurtful man

And he seems like he won't Although He'll apologise But he's going to be hurtful He is a pro Like if he loves you Which in this instance Like anyone who dates me

Usually does Us Dates us Dates us All three of us Individually I don't know if he loves us anymore Because he's playing us

Nah We're into it It's fine He loves us All of us He's a child murderer in the first one well there you go and then his parents killed him his parents killed the parents kill him yeah so the parents craven originally wanted him to be a child molester but then he was like nah he just killed kids which makes it i always find this debate this is a talk for another time like in movies like when movies like nah molestation bad murder fine yeah i yeah both are bad yeah no both

neither are good both are probably a 10 out of 10 on the bad times so that's why I just don't understand. Anyway. That's a... What was I saying? Oh, yeah. Potential pro. Yeah. If he loves us, which we're assuming he does. Which he does. You'd hope so.

What else is he going to do? He's going to stop us from having bad dreams ever because he'll just be in our dreams and he'll be stopping all the bad shit. That's true. Hey, that's a good point. That is a good point. If he's like, look, I've got my kitty fiddling

and kitty murdering behind me. I'm a changed man now that I'm dead. Being burnt alive really taught me a lesson. It kind of showed me the state of things. It did. It burnt out that bit of my brain. The cleanse of flames. Yeah.

And so now he's turned off a new leaf. I feel like that'd be nice. He could protect us from dreams. I think he still wouldn't try and kill on the side. Yeah. I don't think he's ever going a new leaf. I feel like that'd be nice. He could protect us from dreams. I think he'd still want to try and kill on the side. Yeah. I don't think he's ever going to want to give that up. It's going to be hard to stop him. Yeah.

Plus, it's going to be hard to take. You can't really, because he doesn't exist in a physical way. Like, that's the biggest con. That is the biggest con. But then he does sometimes. That is true. Far be it. And, although, if you are at the office and you have a bad day,

and, like, Cheryl, maybe you just nix your donut, or, like, Cheryl. And you stab her in the hand. and although if you are at the office and you have a bad day and like Cheryl maybe you just nicks your donut or like and you stab her in the hand or like you know doesn't like change the coffee filter

something like that and you're like oh my god Cheryl's the worst and you just complain as you used to as a side comment to be like

she's not the worst but I was looking forward to that donut and then Freddie's going to be like I'll murder her in her sleep and you're like no no no and he's done it that's true he's impulsive exactly and she took it like maybe she took a nap at the desk and now you got she wakes up and then he's brought into the office exactly yeah yeah he's too impulsive he's too impulsive he's he's you

can't get like you can't have like a proper relationship with Freddy he's always got his own kind of plans and ideas you can't really have discussions with him no I want to give him like a look preaching us from bad dreams is kind of nice but I don't have that many it wouldn't just be bad dreams because if we love him which we

do it would be very very nice dreams all night because you just get to spend like imagine every time you went to sleep you'd wake up rested but you got to spend all that time with someone you love. I guess that's true. That's pretty good. That is actually really sweet. Yeah. I'm going to give him a 6.

4. I'm going to give him a 4. I'm going to go with a 4 as well. I've slurred that. I'm going to give him a 4. He can give a 4 for me. So if I went 6, you guys both went four, so that's a four point. Let's round it out to about five-ish. Alright, so Freddy's like a nice average five, which is interesting that we're giving

like an average to a kitty fiddler. Not sure how happy I am about that, but hey, kitty murderer. The problem with... It was manslaughter. Hey, nothing was ever charged. This, our version of Jason. It was manslaughter Look Hey Nothing was ever charged This Our version of Jason

Freddie Freddie He's a lovely guy Our version of Freddie Look we'll go with the one Maybe Kitty Fiddler And let's go with the Implied that he wasn't

Yeah He was just Maybe said a few Inappropriate things That were misconstrued I will fuck your child He was He was talking about

I don't know what that was. In a game of Monopoly. It's poker. It's not a poker. And the parents burn him alive. And the parents burn him alive. So, yeah. So, there.

So, look. With that caveat... Yeah. I would maybe let... Fine. We'll slide it down to a 4.5, so at least he's below average. No, like a 5 is fine

with the caveat that he did not molest kids. Exactly. All right, here we go. Done. Perfect. Jason, though. Jason. Dr, like a five is fine with the caveat that he did not molest kids. Exactly. Alright, there we go. Done. Perfect. Jason, though. Jason. Drowned in a lake.

Came back to life. Mother issues. Mummy issues. He's going to love his mum more than he loves us. Always. God, he's going to compare to it. We're going to make cookies.

He's going to be like, mum made better ones. Well, then fucking marry your mother then. Con also, like, he's like super immature emotionally huh he's always damp he's always a bit wet pro went to space for a bit yeah hey traveled freddie when is freddie in space isn't freddie v jason no jason x isn't he's in. Because that's like a team of astronauts are taking frozen criminals from the 21st century

somewhere. I thought Freddy went to space for some reason. He should, but he hasn't. Freddy X? Do astronauts dream of Freddy Krueger? The sequel to Duandroid's Dream of Electric Sheep. Yes. Yes, they do. Blade Runner 2 is going to be fucked. Yeah, also

con, Jason's face is a mess. Is it? Yeah. What is Jason's shtick? Jason kills people with a machete. Yeah, bullied at Camp Crystal Lake. Then they pushed him in a river. So what happened was he was being bullied at Camp Crystal

Lake and he fell into the lake and he was drowning and the reason he drowned is because the counselors were banging yeah that's right so he hates sex yeah i was gonna say con has weird sexual hang-ups murder's anyone who has sex so you're gonna be like you're gonna be sitting watching a movie maybe you put your hand on his leg. He just stabs you. He stabs you in the hand with a machete and you're just like,

I'll go back to watching The Croods or whatever. I'm going to be so like, are we around? I'm going to be unfulfilled. I'm going to be unfulfilled. Yeah. Unfulfilled. He's going to always be talking about his mom.

I'm going to be in a photo of Jason's face. Sick. It's like when a be talking about his mom. Whatever you want to name it. Jason's face. It's like when a sloth loses all its wet and gross. When a sloth loses all its fur is what I was going to say. Weird sexual hang-ups and weird qualms about his mom. And I just... Are there any fucking pros? Are there any pros there? I don't think so.

Probably good at hockey. Show it us. he kind of looks like Jesus he has a few different you know Goonies yeah yeah he looks like what's that guy's name

Chunk or some shit yeah Chunk although he does look a little different in different films like some he looks more like a zombie that but more of like

if he fucked an orc if you like got Chunk and then just twisted his face some yeah don't like that that's another con keep the hockey mask on but whatever looks like if he fucked an orc. If you got chunk and then just twisted his face some. Yeah, I don't like that. That's another con. Keep the hockey mask on. But whatever.

Looks like that sometimes. It's also gross. Show us. It's just like he's got weird melty face, which is weird because he drowned. He didn't drown in a fire. I don't think he's got any pros. Surely he's got a thumb.

We can't have found zero already. He's tall dark and mysterious nah he's still a zero to me he's the quiet type still a zero

hey look yeah pro thoughtful thoughtful you'd bring him to parties he would not cheat on you yeah very faithful

oh yeah there you go very faithful pro Eurodite I'm sure he oh I know he doesn't talk that much does he he's gonna say like at parties he might be able to hold interesting conversations but no he's a great listener it's a good listener won't cheat on you guaranteed won't cheat on you happy to play some sports as long as it's hockey with machetes yeah why does he wear a hockey mask does he love does he love hockey no he finds it to cover up his

gross face yeah there's no connection to the hockey. I'd want to play hockey then. And he'd be like, just because I wear the mask. I hate school camp. That's alright, because school camp is kind of bullshit sometimes. When in your life is school camp coming up though now? Every time I'm like, well, actually,

me and Jason have something in common. Did you also get drowned in a lake and came back? No, but when I went to school camp when I was in year nine, or form three if you're in the 70s. Sure. All right. I broke my collarbone and that sucked. What?

Did that happen to poor old JC? Was it because the counsellors were banging? What? That you and How does that even Did that happen to poor old JC? Was it because the counsellors were banging? Nah but they They didn't take me to the hospital straight away They were like take off your shirt let's see And they're like oh it's probably just dislocated Fun fact about collarbones you can't really

Yeah I was gonna say What does that mean your neck popped out? It's a clearly broken bit of bone protruding. Oh, you dislocated it. Nah, because I've actually got like a... There's like a weird bump in my collarbone where it broke. Like, there's like a dint. Oh, wow.

Because I did not let it heal, possibly. Which is there for... Too much head waggling. Yeah. I was too much trying to... Well, they were going to try and make me sleep in a tent the night that I broke it. And I was like, nah, it really hurts.

And they're like, all right, we'll go to a hospital. Doctor to a hospital doctor looked at it was like oh we'll get an x-ray looked at it's like it's definitely broken god damn and then he x-rayed the school no they paid for my medical bills because that just seems negligence to be like they try to make me sleep in a gardening tent you could have died and then you would have come back or your mom would have first and then you would have come back later yeah that would have been good always believe kids when they break their bones stab yeah exactly that's my mom's catchphrase like sorry what that was like very long and i didn't know that's my mom's name kayleen there you go yeah it's a little bit of trivia for you um so thoughtful snap good listener won't cheat zero. I think he's like a one. I'm going to give him a three.

For me. Three for me. No, I'm giving him a zero. I understand the pain he's been through. So let's call it one. That's a combination. It's in between three and like a 1.5. Check it in the middle there.

I'll give him a one, but I'm not happy with it. I still think he's a hot zero. He's bad at swimming as well. See? I don't love the middle there. I'll give him a one, but I'm not happy with it. I still think he's a hot zero. He's bad at swimming as well. See? I'd love to go on to the beach. He could never go to the beach with me. Well, yeah, I guess. He likes long walks in the woods, though.

Yeah, pro. I guess that's nice. You go hiking, but there's always going to be fucking hiking. Pro or con about the hiking, he's going to be real quiet for all of it, and you're going to get to the top and want to talk, and he's going to just be like, and you're going to be like, Brunt's going to be real quiet for all of it and you're going to get to the top and want to talk and he's going to just be like and you're going to be like Brunt's going to be hassled with him as well. Yeah,

watching him eat's going to be gross. He kind of looks like he would be kissing a butthole. As much as I was like burn victim for Freddy, Jason has like deformed face and that is something that, again, personal con. I couldn't get past that. Could get past burn victim, couldn't get past joel zammer that could get

past burn victim could not get past this personal pro still douches jam i just hot zero yeah i think a one i think we've got a little saddle on a one all right mike myers mike myers Knows Jamie Lee Curtis Let's see here Strong He's a strong boy Is Michael Myers magic at all? He's the He's the physical embodiment Of pure evil

Oh Is he though? I thought he was just Rough childhood Yeah in the first Are we taking the Rob Zombie ones? Is he though? I thought he was just in a rough childhood Yeah in the first are we taking the Rob Zombie ones

or the other ones? The Rob Zombie remake that we watched with Zoe in due account No I've only seen the original of these ones Okay Because in the original

what happens is he on Halloween one night he stabs someone Yeah Then he gets put as a child he stabs someone

and then he gets put in as a child he stabs someone and then he gets put in with a counselor psychiatrist, psychologist whatever one of those that he is and then he escapes again on Halloween when he's like, I'm recounting this movie slightly wrong and I apologize to any listeners they're like, you're wrong!

you're probably used to it then he escapes again and yeah the psychologist comes back and he's like you guys are in so much trouble this kid is fine okay one thing I did not like

about the original is when he did kill what's his name Machete yeah he's like the security guy he's like he was your bro he was always looking out for you

you mean in the remake yeah he was like I don't know yeah it was like why Machete was your job I think the remake tries to make

from what I've heard... It tries to kind of ground it, make it more realistic, because he was just like a fucked psychopath kid. Yeah. Not even raised wrong. He was just a sociopath. It wasn't even really anyone's fault.

Like, it wasn't a great home life, but it wasn't the worst. Like, the stepdad was a bit of a dick, but not the worst. Yeah. Wait, is that grounds for murder? Because... Probably.

Hey, I got a great idea. He's strong. Strong. Pro, he does protect that girl in the remake. That's true, his sister. Yeah. So, pro protector? He is protective.

He's protective of family. He would also probably Have mummy issues Because she did Neck herself Yeah that's true That's a con He tried to protect

The sister But then I'm pretty sure In the sequel He tries to kill her Powerful That's right Very powerful

Again Con though Bad at communication Yeah Con based on the sister thing Because you're Thinking of the remake, in the original the person he kills when he's six, dressed

as a clown with a kitchen knife is his older sister. Or he'll also kill his older sister in the remake as well. His youngest baby sister that he doesn't kill. Pro good with kids. There you go. Con has complete disregard for family.

Yeah. Look, because, yeah, communication is a key, and he just doesn't. And that's why, like, you know, the younger daughter, younger sister, she's, like, freaking out. And he's just like, hey, it's me. It's your brother. Yeah, you're right. I'm a little messed up, but I need to protect you.

If he'd just been clearer, she would have understood. But, no, he's, like, murmuring to, like, photos and shit, to like photos and shit and she's just like freaking out you probably can't take him on any dates no like you're just taking him out it's not gonna happen con you can't dress him formally like i'm just trying to jet he's huge i feel like i'd have to feed him as well yeah like i feel he i we he would sit down i'm there sitting on his lap with a spoon and baby food that's what i feel that's what i feel is gonna happen that's rough i just don't know why i just don't think he's capable no i agree like i don't think he's capable of even feeding himself he's of like making food i'm gonna become the cook of a fucking he's a fixer-upper you know what i mean yeah like if you're gonna be with michael

myers you're gonna have to dedicate time to kind of like helping michael myers he's got a child brain he does have like he's got very big developmental issues. Exactly. So you're going to have to like walk him through that and just kind of like be there for him. You know what I mean? Like he's never going to help you sort out your problems.

It's all going to be Michael Myers. And he might mice and menace. Yeah, he could have mice and menace. He could just be like, you're very pretty. And then it's just like, he's not going to know his own strength. And this scenario,

I'm assuming he loves us yeah and like we're not his sisters so he can fuck us and that's good because we'll get some of that primal rage out

that's going to be powerful and good love making that's going to be just fucking that's going to be great but then he might might go too far or might be trying

to go for a hug and then he gets strangled it's just not going to be good and also in the original film the original film he dies and then comes back to life so i guess he's undead but it's not like an annoying undead like jason where you're like oh you're from hell what is this or freddy where you're like you're a green monster now i guess yeah he's just like he just he just

isn't was dead now he's back yeah he's kind of unkillable because yeah in the original he gets pro unkillable unkillable you never have to worry if he's out late at night now he's back. He's kind of unkillable. Pro-unkillable. You never have to worry if he's out late at night. If he's out with a car crash, is he going to do something? No, he'll be fine. He also hates people having sex. Does he? God damn it, what is with all these 80s movie monsters? Got some cardinals in there.

Also, I'm just going to need to address this at some point, because I know someone will pull us up on it. Halloween came out in 1978. Whatever. Michael Myers, off the list. Zero, disqualified. You think you can sneak into our list? Get out of here.

Scat, scat. You're too bloody old, mate. Every time we're saying Mike Myers, I just can't stop thinking of the Canadian comedian. Well, let's replace that one, who clearly we can't have, with actual actor Michael Myers. All right, so if Mike Myers,

the Hollywood villain, the Halloween villain, Mike Myers, the Halloween villain, is disqualified, he'd probably get like a three if he was. Yeah, if he was in, but he's disqualified. Michael Myers Myers the actor

uh huh seems lovely Con seems like he's clinging like so sad nah I think he'd like he's like

he did well he sort of went out on his peak he's like look I'm done and then okay like maybe Love Guru was his peak yeah I was gonna say

he went out just after his peak if he'd stopped at the spot he shagged me yeah oh he would've been Goldmember I'll spot he shagged me Yeah Goldmember I'll give him a pass for Goldmember Goldmember's classic

Fucking smoking a pancake Some shit that's classic There's two things I hate People who are intolerant of other cultures And the Dutch Yeah Classic line Eat skin flakes

Oh Oh beautiful Love one So that Even in Glorious Bastards he was good at Yeah but in Glorious Bastards It was meant to be his fucking

return to Pulp Fiction for John Travolta but for Mike Myers but it wasn't it was such a cameo though it was too much of a cameo indeed

that was a reference to the film hi yeah anyway yeah he was good in it but again it was very short it was a very cameo

he's got deadbeat friends Dana Carvey nah he's good he was good which it but again it was very short It was a very cameo He's got deadbeat friends, Dana Carvey He's good Which one's Dana Carvey? Master of Disguise Dana Carvey didn't do like a recent talk show type thing Or like a Dana Carvey hour or some shit So Dana Carvey, what happened was Dana Carvey was actually the most successful of

Mike Myers and Dana Carvey And then Dana Carvey made a TV show after he left Saturday Night Live. That was a little, it was Dana Carvey's comedy and what people thought Dana Carvey's comedy were. Yeah. There's quite a big void between the two of them. So they left Saturday Night Live. He was like, I'm gonna make a TV show. They're like, sweet.

Here is like this fucking primetime slot. And I think the first episode opened with like an abortion joke or something oh boy and they were like ha kids

oopsie daisy maybe not abortion it was something just like a super dark not on kind of like well not even I don't think it was like

not on and I think it was I just mean not on for the network or whatever yeah too ahead of his time yeah

that's honestly that was his problem. And then he just fucking shit the bed and made Master of Disguise, which I had on DVD for like 10 years. So also I think his accents, I like it, but I think it would get great. Yeah, yeah. Like he'll do the accents like, cause he thinks you enjoy, like, you know what I mean?

Like you'll be at breakfast and he'll be like donkey and you'll be like yeah you're on track you'll be like ah okay it's only a donkey god guess what Dana Carvey's first film appearance was Halloween 2 what the fuck

it's all fucking come full circle it's a fucking web. A tangled web. Con, Mike Myers' body is like several lumps put together. He is an old man. Now he is, but let's go prime Mike Myers. So let's take Wayne's world. All right.

Okay. Yeah, he's all right. That's all right. But if he was doing like Wayne to me, I would just, that would ruin the bit. Yeah, exactly. If he was like fucking me, and you were like, shooing,

I'm like, we're done. We're done. You've ruined the move. And you know he would. And yeah. Like, you know that Mike Myers is the kind of person that clings to that kind of like. I'd hate it.

Yeah. I'd be like, don't do that to me. No, you've, I'm not. We're done. We're done. We're done. I would drop Mike Miles the moment he, oh yeah. I wouldn't drop him. I would be like, you're that to me nah you've we're done we're done I would drop Mike Miles the moment

I wouldn't drop him I would be like you're on the couch no I'm on the couch reading a book don't talk to me for at least a day man

rough pro make me laugh make you laugh he's a very funny man plus pro money true he's a rich lad

probably probably pro Canadians and I have a soft spot for him yeah um pro like seems to kind of know his place within the world a little bit like he's in he made the love guru it was bad he didn't try again yeah he's like it's like hey fair enough so i married an axe murderer solid film yeah pretty good like I would watch that with him and I'd be like, you're a handsome man. You are so good in this. Mike Myers, maybe.

He's doing good. Mike Myers is doing pretty good. But then I'd watch Spy Who Shagged Me and realize that he plays Fat Bastard and I would never be able to look at him the same again.

That's a good point. Like, Con, he has some roles that would ruin him for you. Like, even though he's an actor, you couldn't separate yeah you would struggle and plus what if he reveals that he's a Daniel Day-Lewis type he's like no I was I am fat boss yeah he's like oh they're doing I don't think he is Austin Powers

4 I'm just I'm gonna be method acting and he's like yeah I've got somebody to mold this chicken into the shape of a baby I'm gonna eat it I it. I'm going to eat it. And you're like, I hate, what kind of life do I live? Get in my belly. And the love guru is like... Get in my belly, yeah. Very racist. It was amazing that that film exists. The love guru is kind of incredible

because you're like, how did this happen? How did this even happen? Yeah. So, loses points of racism. Yeah. Con, I guess, isn't terribly socially aware. I don't think he's still coming out. I don't think either of us.

So, seven? Yeah. Six. Six, I want to say. Racism is a real big turn off for me. That's one movie. It's also just Austin Powers again. Oh, yeah, true.

Like, so many of the characters are just like, fucking mini-me's in that shit. Oh, yeah, true. Has it a weird obsession the characters are just like, fucking mini-me's in that shit. Oh yeah, true. Has a weird obsession with midgets. Yeah. 5.5. What can we say with that?

I'm quite tall. He's not going to like me that much. Damn it. I don't think he likes little people more. I just think he enjoys them. Yeah. Culturally insensitive. Yeah, like, I guess does he find them funny?

I think so, yeah. Five. He's getting worse. He's on par with Freddy Five. Five. He's getting worse. He's on par with Freddy Krueger. He's on par with a kiddie. Michael Myers is on par with Freddy Krueger. So Mike Myers... With a suspected but not confirmed kiddie.

Alright, the thing. Oh wait, Dana Carvey. Nah, what do you mean? You can't rate Mike Myers and not give Dana Carvey a score. Why a seven then? Yeah, wait. Dana Carvey. No. What do you mean? You can't rate Mike Myers and not give Dana Carvey a score. Why are you seven, then? Yeah, good. Was ahead of his time.

Made Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell famous. And blonde. That's pretty good. Blonde bombshell, Dana Carvey. He's funnier than Mike Myers. Probably. Most people are. He made marks with disguise so you'd just be like,

why? You could always be one up on him. You'd be like, any argument. At least I didn't make marks with disguise. You're a bad boyfriend. Seven. Giving him a seven. We get like a one after. Alright, the thing then. No, you missed forgetting one.

Chucky. Made of wood. A doll doll a serial killer's soul trapped in a doll too small mom this is my boyfriend what does he do he's a serial killer's soul trapped in a doll oh yeah

does play funny pranks though a troublemaker granted his idea of pranks is to switch blanks for real bullets in like a war game so con has a girl already yeah a bride right you will well no he's a kid gets made so I may be like if we muscle in yeah if we mustling in after Bride of Chucky Con single dad Oh yeah Or double dad Double dad Dad times multiplier

Multi dad I was like oh wait He's not a single dad because he has the bride And they're raising the kid together And in my mind I was like yeah double dad Well you're coming into a family situation. Yeah, so there's like a whole situation you're not part of that you're jumping into with Chucky.

Yeah, I'm guessing you're in his weird three-way with two dolls. Two dolls full of serial killer souls. I'm not sure how I feel about this. But they both, I guess, if we're getting Chucky, we're getting brother Chucky, and I guess they both love her? Yes. This is the classic ice climber situation. You get dad, mom, and mom.

No, dad, boyfriend, boyfriend, and boyfriend, girlfriend. Yeah, exactly, exactly. And that's okay. Whatever. We'll just have like a polyamorous relationship with the Chuckies. With wood. Yeah. With dolls.

With wood. I feel like con, we're going to be laughed at a lot. Con, dick splinters oh yeah true pro, like you know he's good with kids because he has a kid like that's pro, maybe con is that

we're going to be an immediate father like you know what I mean, we're going to be a ready made family which can be fine, I'm just saying it's something to consider yeah that's something to take into account. You're not wrong. Con looks like a child even though is an adult soul. Yeah, dresses in overalls. Yeah. Con, no genitals

as far as I'm aware. No, they do because there's a sex scene in Bratachaki. Oh, okay. With like wean in peen? Wean in peen. It's tastefully done. It's not, but it's tastefully done. Just think about the sex scene from Team America. It's like that. Rubbing wood together, but not in a dick way.

It was kind of funny, because it's always been like it's a comedy horror. Nah, Ryan Murphy invented comedy horror with Scream Queens. Yeah, get on your Ryan Murphy. No, no, he said that so many times. Really? I've invented a new genre. Horror. Comedy comedy Coming together

Is he an idiot? Maybe, honestly Did he actually say that? Yeah, he said it multiple times Is he an idiot? This was a while ago, before Scream Queens came out Did he just forget the 80s? Every single one that we've listed here

has been a comedy horror. You could argue a comedy horror. Horror mostly is elements of comedy. Anyone who maybe has it... Oh no, I was going to say Michael Myers, but I married an axe murderer. Because Freddy vs. Jason is comedy horror.

Child's Play isn't, but the others probably are. Everything else is, yeah. Yeah. Hmm. Michael Murphy, Ryan Murphy, if you're listening, sorry. Sorry that you're an idiot. Starts off pretty serious, but then becomes more ridiculous,

and you can never get him back to, like, having a serious conversation with Chucky. Like, when you meet him, you're like, wow, this is a real serious dude. And then you're like, it's just a lot of goofiness. Speaking of goofiness, though, I've got a good pro. You know when you travel, it's kind of expensive to travel and everyone's always like, put me in your luggage. You can put him in your luggage.

That's true. You're like, Chucky, just lay still. Everyone will think I'm just a weirdo taking a doll with me to gay Paris. Pro, if he's like Giving you a bit of lip Or a bit of trouble Pick him up Pull him to the top shelf

Yeah exactly No he's just a doll He's not a ventriloquist doll Because I can like Put your hand in his ass Yeah You probably could anyway But

Con Like He's easily breakable Like he's got like That weird face Like you could just Someone could take him apart A pro

Someone could take him apart. A pro? Someone could take him apart. That's true. Again, if he's Hassan, he'd just take off his legs. Easily neutralised. Take his legs and put him on the top shelf. Con,

like, he's... Oh, wait. Doesn't Chucky also have the thing where he likes kids but wants to murder adults? Oh, yeah. We're adults.

No, but he loves this scenario. Yeah. Con, he'll murder all our friends. That's true. We're adults. No, but he loves this scenario. Yeah. Can't, he'll murder all our friends. That's true. Good. That's a pro. That's you fucking guys. No, no, no.

Because we're all dating him. Just everyone else. The three of us together? I'd finally be free. I'm free. I'm free. Chucky saved you. My friends are trash.

Not editing that out. No, don't. Leave it. Let them know. No, they should know. So what are we giving old Chuck stuff? Well, if he kills my friends, an eight. If he doesn't, a four.

I was like, at the moment, there's not many. I think like a six. Yeah, there's not many, yeah, there's not many, there's not many cons apart from like, Joel Zammett, you're a man that likes sex. Yeah.

And likes your dick. Yeah. Chucky would not be good for that, because he's made of wood. Yeah, but I'm sure, like,

because he's been magicked, I'm sure there's, his butthole is not going to stretch. And plus, yeah, the bride gives birth. Yeah, but that's fine.

That's fine good even. No, that's like... Oh, wait, no, because she'd have to... She'd have to bring the Chucky baby to term. Yeah, they have internal organs. They must. Yeah, but I'm more worried about the stretchiness. Because you can't put your...

If there's a hole in a plank of wood and your dick doesn't fit in, you can't make your dick fit. Unless you get a wood borer. Yeah. Chucky is going to break off with you. You can't wood borer his anus. I guess it's not happening, and you're like, but a wood borer?

And he's like, yeah, you're dumped. Keep that away from my anus. Dropped. No, I'm sure... Look, we don't know. We cannot either confirm or deny. We can only speculate on the genitals of the Chucky doll. And plus, with Bratachucky, too far.

That's kind of nice. Yeah, that's true. That's true. And like, you know, hey, polyamorous relationship with dolls. Living the dream. Four. Yeah, that's the thing. Like, not that many cons, but the cons that do exist are pretty hectic.

So I'm going to say four. Four? I'm happy with a four. Four for Chuck still. Poor Chuck, he got a four. Now, lastly, the perfect buff for us. BFF, boyfriend forever. Big fucking friend.

The thing. Pro can literally be anything you want it to be exactly pro can literally be anything you want it to be pro

you want a pet dog for a bit that's fine the thing's got you covered can it communicate with us as well yeah when it's in the shape

of a human being pro good communication yeah and we're assuming it loves us it's not murdering us yep

pro like super interesting because it's an alien and we can be like, where'd you come from? Let's talk about you. Pro can survive in the Arctic. Yes. And it's the same thing with my eyes being immortal.

It applies to the thing. Perfect boyfriend. Exactly. Wait, the thing's not immortal. Thing can be killed. I know. Con, things go wrong for the thing and it becomes a body horror

yeah and i don't know when it's on fire though well yeah when you're on fire you also become a body horror that is true it's like a mouth in its tummy con mouth tummies weird sex stuff pro yeah that's true mouth tummies it can kiss you in the chest whilst you make love to its, that's true. Mouth tommy. It can kiss you in the chest whilst you make love to its stomach. That's nice! Yet, con can never do a barbecue. That's true.

What does it eat? Whatever it wants. Is it like raw? Dogs? Or can it like... It ate a dog. It ate a person too, I think. Meat? It eats meat. It loves the barbecue.

We just cook the barbecue. It just stays away from the fire. And we just give him raw meat. Pro can probably make a sick potato salad. I feel like that's not a jump of logic. It just makes sense. Pro can imitate anyone. That's been brought up three times.

We need to really... Let me sell that. For me, you want to get in somewhere fancy? I'd be like, hey, look like fucking Tom Hanks for a bit. And he's like... And then we go in and he's like, hi, I'm Tom Hanks. We have a table. I think it has to kill things to look like it.

You've just killed American heartthrob Tom Hanks. Not American heartthrob Tom Hanks. Not American heartthrob Tom Hanks. Come on, now I'm on the run. Frodo, you have my silver approval. Tom Hanks is fine, but I would not be sad if he died. I would. He's like America's sweetheart.

He's America's heartthrob I would be sadder if Hugh Grant died than Tom Hanks that's weird I can relate to Tom Hugh Grant he's like yeah I had sex with a prostitute that's fine I haven't but I feel like saying it on national TV is a good way of dealing with it

if you have that's cocaine I think who doesn't? Tom Hanks, probably, because he's your dad. Pro. He's our dad. Pro. Fucking, even though I killed Tom Hanks,

I just have the thing impersonate Tom Hanks for the rest of his life. Pro. Big paycheck. Pro. Not on the run. Yeah, exactly. Pro.

Con. I don't know how good the thing is at acting. Really good Can literally imitate anything Can you like Will when fucking Steven Spielberg's like Alright so in this scene you're real

You're feeling the human emotion Regret Will the thing just be like And I'll be like Honey Whips out like Stom stomach tentacles like

I think Mr. Hanks needs to spend time time in his trailer this is an interesting development sit him down and watch him

all of the complete works of Tom Hanks yeah exactly and be like this is you from now on darling

does he need to feed, though? Well, I'm sure he needs to eat. Is it like, if he eats, does he become that person? Or is it if he eats someone... I think he gets a genetic code. And so he's like, alright, I can always be that person from now on. Come on.

Oh. So, in The Thing, his blood, the reason they figure out who the thing is Is because his blood is like Hates, like all of the things DNA is like don't attack me Like survival is a big thing The thing's semen

Would be extra alive Yeah that's true I just clenched my butthole Gentlemen Trying to find an ovum in me. That's going to be hard. That's going to be a rough time for the thing's sperm. Because, yeah, the thing's sperm,

because again, it wants to survive. How does it reproduce though? With Tom Hanks' dick. All right. If the thing got like a womb, could a thing bring a baby to term? Or would it like pop out and be attached by the umbilical cord and you'd go to chuck the umbilical cord and be like,

no, no, no, the baby's also me. Maybe. Mwah! Oh, it's terrifying. This is weird. 10 out of 10. A pro can, you know, really sort out that prison population. By which?

Murder? Are you suggesting murder? So, like, pro, I approach the government, and I'm like, my boyfriend can kill all of the prisoners you got. And then, I guess, if the government agrees, you then have a boyfriend that can be about... can look like about 10,000 people. Like, murdering 10,000 people, by the way.

Your boyfriend can look like 10,000 prisoners. Take over the world? Hey, pro, take over the world. Like, we could just murder everyone. Well, yeah, but, Colin, also, it's one thing. Everyone. Yeah. Yeah, but, as the moment we take out Kurt Russell,

no one's going to know how to fucking take out the thing. Kurt Russell needs to be victim number one. But it's fire, isn't it? There's a lot of bullets, I think. Like, it's a thing that can be field paint. The thing can become anything. You know, like in Akira.

You know, when it's like that giant, big... When Tatsuo decides to just fucking cut loose. Yeah, I'm very familiar with that. I dream about it often. Yeah, that. I guess. Can the thing change its mass?

Have you seen Akira? No, I've just seen bits and pieces. I was going to say, do you think anime is trash? No anime is trash. If there's two things in life, Jackson Bailey, anime is trash, Joe Dusha, my friends are trash. Can the thing change its mass? Can it become just huge yeah it does when it's on the operating table when they realise what it

it becomes fucking massive so it could become Godzilla if it wanted and then just Godzilla the town or world we could take over the world with his boyfriend that's true what if you take over the world with him and then you're like you know what actually then we kill ourselves we've done our mission.

Is that our plan? My plan now. I'm gonna go and ride the shoulders of this giant and let's destroy everything. Con, unhealthy relationship. I'm gonna drown myself. I'd rather be on the run with Tom Hanks frankly

at this point. Alright, so I think it's safe to say that The Thing is an 8... I'd say 9 out of 10. 10 out of 10, man, no flaws. I was going to say 8 out of 10, unless it's Tom Hanks, The Thing, then a 9. Yeah, but you could make it Tom Hanks, The Thing.

10. 10 out of 10. The Thing is the perfect boyfriend. The Thing is the perfect boyfriend. Of the 1980s horror movie classics, i.e. Freddy, Jason, Michael Myers, the actor... The Thing is the perfect boyfriend. The Thing is the perfect boyfriend. Of the 1980s horror movie classics, i.e. Freddy, Jason, Michael Myers, the actor. Dana Carvey.

Chucky. And The Thing. The Thing reigns supreme. The Thing reigns supreme. Dana Carvey, close second. Close second to The Thing. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've been also Joel.

If you think our decisions were wrong and that maybe we should have rated Michael Myers the actor higher or lower, tweet us at Sandspans Radio or just head to our Facebook page or wherever you listen to this. Just find the comment section, type angrily, we'll read it and depending on what it is, we might respond, we might not. If it's a tweet, we probably will. If it's an angry YouTube comment, we probably won't.

No, I won't do anything for love, but I won't do love. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sanspantsradio.com On each step with Peloton, from their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it means to be a runner.

Whatever your level, embrace it. Journey starts when you say so. If you've got five minutes or 50, Peloton Tread has workouts you can work in. Or bring your classes with you for outdoor runs, walks, and hikes led by expert instructors on the Peloton app. Call yourself a runner. Peloton all-access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running.