Plumbing the Death Star - Which Adam Sandler Would Make the Best Step-Dad?

Episode Date: November 29, 2020

50% all Digital Downloads over at sanspantsradio.com/shop with coupon code plusplus50 and 25% of your first 2 months of Sanspants+ at sanspantsradio.com/plus with coupon code plusplus25.Sign up to our newsletter here. Join our facebook group here or join our Discord here.You can now physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073.Want to help support the show?Sanspants+ | Shop | TeesWant to get in contact with us?Email | Twitter | Website | Facebook | RedditOr individually at;Jackson | Duscher | ZammitTheme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website or check out his YouTube channel. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio. Australia's dumbest podcast network. Hey angels, Jackson here with a hot, hot, hot deal. For a limited time only, if you enter the coupon code plusplus50 at checkout, you can get 50% off all digital downloads from the Sands Pants Radio store at sandspantsradio.com forward slash shop. That includes such gems as Wet Parents, a D&D campaign featuring yours truly, and Tom and Demi, where we're a bunch of sea creatures who learn about family, the long-awaited sequel to Dinosaur Park, Dinosaur Park 2, Dinosaur Land, and the first hundred episodes of my Unsolved Mystery podcast, Jackson Bailey Spooks America. Once again, that's plus plus 50 at checkout for 50% off all digital downloads at at sanspantsradio.com forward slash shop hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star where we ask the important questions like which adam sandler will make the best stepdad

Which Adam Sandler Not which Adam Sandler character Just which of the many Adam Sandlers That there are Would make the best step Let me break down acting for you I'm the resident movie guy of this podcast You know it, I know it i know what our audience knows it good actors put a part of themselves in every character so whilst what i said sounded

fucked it was actually paying respect to the character actor that is adam sandler okay i would like to pick so first stepdad i think something nobody really takes into account is that a stepdad comes with new extended family and for that reason i want to pick little nicky uh because little nicky's dad is the devil yeah that means your step grandpa an unexplored part yeah of the of the step idea is yeah the devil and that's pretty cool plus little nicky's got that weird voice that's cool no he's like hey come here there's your nicky like for some reason adam sandler was like that's i don't want to be bullying my stepdad yeah well your stepdad sucks shit okay that's but you're in it let me tell you again as the resident guy with a stepdad on this

podcast you know what i know what our audience resident guy with a stepdad on this podcast, you know it, I know it, our audience knows it. Bullying your stepdad, there's no better feeling. Well, that's actually a good point. You get to bang mum, but I get to make fun of you. That's exactly it. Little Nicky comes in and he's like, Joe, he's both your stepdads.

It's time for you to do your homework. And you're like, shut up, Little Nicky. I'm going to stay with Grandpa. We're going to put pineapples up Hitler or whatever. That's an actual bit from the movie. Yeah, this is great bonding with my step-grandpa, putting pineapples inside Adolf Hitler. He hates it, but he's got to cop it because he's Hitler.

And he's in hell. And plus your grandpa's got the ability to put tits on a head. That's great. You know what your grandpa can't do now? Put tits on a head. He can't do it. You can go to the old folks home now. Knock, knock, knock on his face.

Grandpa, can you please put tits on my head? And he's going to be like, what? Yeah, all my grandpa can do is stay dead yeah if you ask your grandpa to put tits on your head he'll be so scared and confused he won't know is this a tiktok thing he won't know but the devil will be like i get it dude click the fingers tits on the head and then you put a bra on your head and it goes under your chin like in the movie the famous movie lone Nicky. Well, that is great. Is that a good skill for a stepdad?

Well, okay, I will admit this. Yeah, the stepdad, look, as great as having a stepgrandfather is, the lord of lies himself, Satan, he's not the stepdad. You're not seeing your stepdad, you're not seeing your stepgrandpa really anywhere at all. You're seeing step-grandpa only occasionally. And now, if say mum is going after little Nicky when step-grandpa was an option,

I kind of now am judging mum a bit more because I'm like, mum, you clearly met these people maybe together as a whole or whatever however you met little nicky and you were like this guy and then you meet his sweet dad beelzebub and then you're like no no no little nicky still i feel like it's a fucked up position to be in where you're like i wish my mom was fucking my step grandpa like i think that's a it's a business you don't want to as a child you don't want to find yourself in so here's a little bit of information that you haven't considered with little nicky okay he speaks like that because

his brother hit him in the face with a shovel yeah okay so that's like that's fine that's nothing just i mean you're gonna have to deal with who was a violent brother. Little Nicky's mum is a goat. Okay. Okay. Isn't she like an angel or is she a... I don't remember Little Nicky, but I'll believe she's a goat. That's okay. Was she a goat?

Because I thought she was an angel and then he has to release the good. Isn't it Reese Witherspoon? Yeah, I thought it was Reese Witherspoon that was his mum. That's pretty sick, Dushar. I don't know about you. Reese Witherspoon seems like she'd be a cool grandma. I'm into that. Yeah, so now you've got an angel as a grandma, and

does that mean, I guess your great-grandpa is God? Yeah, you're effectively Christ. That's cool. I mean, you're not, you're like, you're Christ several times removed, but it's still good. Yeah, I apologize.

I read Cassius kept saying that his mother was a goat and he was born from a goat. Aren't you meant to be the movies guy? I'm pretty sure at the start of the episode, you claimed to be the movies guy. I thought you were the movies man. Look, I'm the movies guy, but I forgot the ending of Little Nicky,

but now I've remembered it. He embraces the good as opposed to the evil. He makes rainbows come out of his hands or something. Should we, like we did way back in the day with the Smash Bros. step-parents, should we do that thing where we pick four categories and we run the potential Adam Sandler through the gauntlet? Yes. Bullies, the birds and the bees, fucking mum.

And playing catch. Great. Okay. Lil Nicky is a weirdo. I don't think he would play catch with me. Just off the bat. He might play catch because I feel like he would want to play catch. And I feel like he'd be like, ah, yes, a human thing that he can do.

Maybe something of bonding. But he'd be bad at it. Yeah, and it would be embarrassing. The other stepchildren in the street would see me playing with my stepdad and I'd be jealous. And depending when you get little Nicky as your stepdad, because he might imbue the ball with dark Satan magic or good angel magic. That would be bad.

So, like, you've got to catch it and a giant barb spike goes through your hand or you're gonna catch it and then it just turns into butterflies yeah and a rainbow i'm like either way little nicky this is not a game of catch one of them getting bullied by other school children and the other one you're getting a barb spike through the hand yeah barb spike through the hand your Yeah, barbed spike through the hand. Your great-grandfather may be God. Put the tit on it. Oh, right.

No, no, no. Bob's like, that's stigmata, baby. Ooh! Oh, stigmata on one hand and titty on the other hand. And then you can put the nipple through the hole. Whoa! Not getting bullied anymore. Well, maybe getting bullied, but I don't care. Too confused.

Yeah. But on the bullying front, Little Nicky couldn't help me with bullying because the thing I would be being bullied about would be having Little Nicky as my stepdad. Yeah. I don't know. I reckon Little Nicky might be actually pretty good with the bullies, but in the sense that he might go too far. Yeah, murder.

Again, yeah, would turn them into goats, maybe. Or a tit. Or a tit, that's true. I don't know. No, we're confusing our little Nicky with his father, because the devil probably would give them titties on their heads.

Whereas, I don't know what little Nicky would do, because little Nicky might just be like, cop it. I had to cop it. You have to cop it. The lesson is to cop it. I think Little Nicky hates conflict. So if I was like, hey, Little Nicky, the kids are calling you a wiener man because they don't like you. I get stuck.

I don't want to be a wiener man. I'm not your wiener man. And I'd be like, you're kind of all Little Nicky, to be honest. First off, you're my stepdad and I'm calling you little Nicky. That's fucked up, dude. You're an adult. Yeah, that's got to not do great things for your ego. Technically, you're an adult as well. Good point,

little Nicky. Good point. Touché. Touché. Who is he bullying you? The mean kids. I'm 29. Yes. What's your point?

I can still be bullied by children. I can still get my feelings hurt, Little Nicky. Little Nicky, you never outgrow feelings. Those feelings can be hurt no matter how old or young you are. So I've headed to our most reliable website,

hero.fandom.com, to find out what powers little Nicky has. Fabulous. Demonic powers. That's good. Angelic powers. Flight. Okay. Fighting skills. Basketball skills. Oh, wow.

So he might be very good at catch then. Yeah. We tracked our former statement. Let's shoot some hoops. Yeah, alright. Okay. Well wow. So he might be very good at catch then. Yeah. We tracked our former statement. Let's shoot some hoops. Yeah, all right. Okay. Well, I guess he'd be very good at basketball if he's playing catch, but that'd be kind of nice for you, maybe teach you some of those skills. However, when it comes down to the bully aspect,

none of those skills feels like it would help in that situation. You're like, little Nicky, I'm being bullied by those mean teens, um you're like little nicky i'm being bullied by those mean teens and he's like well i'm gonna fly and then he off off he goes like you are a bad parent little nicky you shouldn't need a parent you're 29 i'll be like little nicky get down here you never you never outgrow your parents little nicky much like feelings yeah sometimes you need a cuddle from dad, little Nicky, and your dad now, all right? Yeah.

Yeah, give me a cuddle. He'd be bad at cuddles. He feels like it'd be an awkward cuddler. He'd be slimy and hot. Yeah. I think the worst thing, the thing he'll be truly the worst at will be the birds and the bees because I don't know if he knows, right? Yeah.

And he'll call his penis his wiener. His wee-wee. Sometimes I can put your wiener in your girl's pee-pee. right? And he'll call his penis his weiner. Sometimes I can put your weiner in a girl's pee-pee. You gotta put it in there, then it'll soak up the juices, and then you do a little good sneeze. I don't think you know what

fucking is, Little Nicky. You should already know this. What's winning you up? Why are you saying that you don't know it, little Nicky? I should be explaining it to you. A wiener goes into a girl's pee-pee, little Nicky. This is how it happens. And soaks up the juices, and that does a little sneeze.

A good little sneeze. And at the end of some time, a baby comes out. Woo! Yes, we are used to it. No, it isn't, little Nicky. Okay? Mine was concise. Just word for word what I just said.

You're challenging me, little Nicky. I have become the alpha. I am more powerful than my stepdad. That's a dream. Oh, for sure. Well, that kind of also answers our next question, which is like fucking mum. Yeah, pleasuring mum, not very good.

He's going to be hot, moist, and a little bit sticky, I can only imagine. I think a good way to imagine the pleasuring mum situation is for us to imagine lying in our bed, which is adjacent to mum's bedroom, and hearing the sounds of lovemaking, and that will give us a gauge, because obviously we're not going to witness it,

but we might overhear it during the night. And I think the idea of hearing awkward fumbling, and then, oh no, is really awful. Like, I can't handle that. Yeah, or a very excited exclamation of, this feels good! I love this! I can't help but think that little Nicky,

like, much like a, well, I guess not really like a train, but I can only imagine smoke coming out of his asshole while he's fucking for some reason. Wow. I guess like, well, not really like a train. Really just, it took me off whatever path I thought we were on. All of a sudden, I was like, well not really like a train Really just, it took me off Whatever path I thought we were on

All of a sudden I was in, I was an unsure boy As to what was about to happen next Well just trains Trains don't fuck Yeah that's true, or the smoke comes out the top Not the arsehole of the train The thing is, he's now a car

Yeah That would have been a better analogy yeah yeah like a car except with a more billowy smoke like a train yeah like a coal train yeah like a coal train yeah like robbie coltrane yeah yeah yeah yeah okay go on give us one more robbie coltrane thing everyone recognized his name go? Go on. What's he do? What's he about? You going to make that reference? Jazz, maybe? Yeah. He love heroin, maybe?

Yeah, that's what I thought. Yeah, you can't just say names. Yeah, we couldn't back that up. We didn't know. We didn't know. It was just swimming in the soup that is our brain. Yes. Enlighten us, JD.

I don't know, but i also didn't say you're down here with us in the mud yeah um so yeah look it's good pretty apparent i've picked a terrible stepdad right out the gate yeah can i just check in a fifth category and i want to put in the um like fist fighting your stepdad uh sorry just i hate to bring this up again robbie coltrane is the actor that plays haggard i think we were all thinking of john coltrane who i think plays jazz but robbie coltrane's an actor he's also in goldeneye i was thinking john coltrane oh that's so funny wow give me some heroin harry hagrid play that horn

yeah that's good uh yes so physically fighting yeah your step. And I think the stepdad needs to win to get our respect. Yeah, for sure. I don't know. I think the moment that you can overpower your father or your stepfather is the moment you really, like a physical prowess, is the moment you lose respect. And I think with little Nicky, I could beat him in a fight. I think that's not too much for me to even say I think it wouldn't be hard

Even with his powers of Satan and angels And flight And basketball, so sorry You could still probably beat him in a fight The way I sort of see it is him putting his hand out And being like, well, don't you come here But then I've punched him in the bread box Already

Shut up, Lil' Nicky I'm 29 Well, don't you come yet. But then I've punched him in the bread box already. Shut up, little Mickey. I'm 29. And he does a little vomit because I punched him so hard in his damn bread box. Can't curse me if you can't fucking speak because your bread box full of my fist. Yeah. And like a little bat comes out of his mouth. That was gross. You're gross. And like a little bat comes out of his mouth. That was gross. You're gross. And then you punch him

again. I wish my mum was fucking your dad, dude. I wish my mum was fucking your dad. What do you think about that? We'd be brothers. That'd be cool. I'd teach you how to play Donkey Kong Country Diddy's Kong Quest, okay? I know how to beat it, little Nicky.

I know the secrets. Little Nicky's just lying there clutching his guts as I'm towering over him and telling him how to beat Donkey Kong Country Diddy's conquest. You can get rampy. So I think not a great stepdad.

I sort of cooked that one. Little Nicky may be good at playing catch, but everything else, not great. So, see, I'm going to put forward Billy Madison. Oh! Okay. Another silly voice to add to the character. Billy Madison talks with a normal voice,

except when he puts on a voice as Billy Madison, but that's not Billy Madison's voice. That's true. When he's like, stop looking at me, swan! He doesn't talk like that. Stop looking at me, swan! Yeah, that's true. But it'll come up, surely.

Shampoo is better. He doesn't let you use shampoo and conditioner. You can only pick one. That's an insane behaviour. Unfortunately, in the fight, they both lost. Greasy hair. Unfortunately, you are falling into the trap of looking at Billy Madison at the start of the film and not at the very end of the film.

Where Billy Madison is a completely and utterly changed man. And he's gone from being an alcoholic, absolute imbecile with no education to being a man who speed ran education and learned quite a lot in those few weeks of learning. He's going to have a weird view of your academic study if you're like, oh, I'm in school. He's like, why? Just do it all later in two weeks. No, the thing is he has learnt and appreciated the need for an education. So he's gone from being an absolute piece of shit.

He really wouldn't want to look after any kind of animal, including a swan, to someone that is probably a respected member of society. Because the whole reason for him to go through that education speed run was for him to take over the family business. But he learned enough to realize that he wasn't the person to run the business. That is a mature decision. So he learned his capabilities and was like, I can't do this, so I'm going to go and,

was it Carl or something, and be like, he is in charge, so he can run the whole thing, and I'm going to go to college and I'm going to become a teacher. That's how Billy Madison ended. So Billy Madison, as a 27-year-old, a piece of shit, a drunk, someone you wouldn't want any responsibility. Very true. But Billy Madison at the end, he's gone through a lot.

He does have inheritance and he does have a lot of money, so that's going to be pretty good for when I want to be showered with gifts and love. Because, look, if Billy Madison is going to buy my love, that's great. I can't be bought. I imagine I would fall into this trap if i had billy madison as a stepdad is that even if billy madison wanted me to care about my academic studies i would be like you didn't and you're fine so i'm not gonna give a shit i'm just gonna lounge around or whatever yelling at swans and drinking shampoo or whatever and then i'll just speed run it at you know when i'm 27 or

whatever i think you got too too much grace period with a stepdad like billy madison is the vibe and also potentially but this is something that isn't covered directly in the film but it's something that when i think about billy madison i can imagine him doing which is i feel like billy madison can self-suck yeah and i don't know if I want my stepdad with the ability to do that. I don't want to look at my stepdad. I would say that's neutral, to be honest. Yeah, I would also say that's neutral. Like, for example, I know that my dad has jerked off in the past

and has probably jerked off sometime recently. He's got jerking off in his future, maybe. Yeah. He probably hasn't had his final come. Yeah, that's nice. That's nice to had his final come. Yeah, that's nice. That's nice to think about. And to me, that's very largely neutral. I sort of think I assume everybody's self-sucked

unless proven otherwise, or at least attempted it. That's sort of my belief system, you know? Yeah. That's what I'd call my faith, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Everyone's attempted to- Associated, but yeah.

I don't know. With the knowledge that my stepdad may be self-sucked, I'm like, yeah, I'm kind of falling on the camp of Jack here, where it's a very largely neutral statement. Yeah. Well, for Jackson, it's not a neutral statement. For Jackson, it is his core belief system. It's part of my religion.

Yeah. His higher belief. Yeah. For sure. When I get to heaven, there's nothing. It's not planned because my relief system is just that most people have self-sucked. And I'll get to heaven and be like, yep, I was what I thought. Jackson's afterlife is not a heaven and hell, but it's like when you die, you either fold over forward and self-suck, and that is heaven.

Or you bend over backwards and eat outsuck, and that is heaven, or you bend over backwards and eat out your own ass, which is hell. But also kind of heaven. That's good. You're going to unearth me one day. You're going to be, I don't know, you're looking for valuables, so you're digging up my grave. We heard you might have had gold teeth.

Hey, do you want to have them? He's not doing shit with them. He probably wasted them in life. I'm going to sell them for anywhere between 15 and 30 bucks. And then you find that I'm self-sucking in the grave and you're like, the legends were true. Then you pull my penis out of my mouth and break out my gold teeth or just my regular teeth and you're like, these aren't gold at all.

It's such a funny thing to realize in the car ride home um yeah um so yeah so i think billy madison is very good he's also very in tuned with um like kids feeling uh so he'll piss himself for you yeah yeah when his good friend uh pisses his pants he's like well i i'll piss my or pretend to piss my pants and make it a cool thing. And everyone's like, yay, pissing pants is cool. So that's very nice. And again, outside

the box thinking as well. So he's a very good problem solver. His favourite video game of all time is Donkey Kong. That's great. That's what you want in a stepdad, you know. Well, okay, let's go through the categories. Play and catch. What do we think?

Great at it. I reckon he'd be great again. At the start, Billy Madison, probably shit. He'd be just kind of like lazily pick up the ball while he was lounging in a pool and just kind of like, meh. But at the end, again, he'd be great at it. He'd be like, sure, son. He'd call me son straight off the bat.

And I don't think he would mind if i didn't call him dad that is good and that's probably important because i think that's a big i don't you don't want a stepdad and i mean look me and zamit we don't have stepdads do show he's swimming in them or whatever i got like so many too many 40 damn stepdads crowding up the place um but i feel like i wouldn't yeah i wouldn't want a stepdad that wanted me to call him dad, right? Like, I'd like the lenience. I think little Nicky seems shocked to have a child at all, so let's not worry about that. That's a whole other kettle of fish.

But Billy Madison, yeah, I think he'd happily accept that maybe if you don't want to call him dad, that's okay. You call him Billy? Yeah. Billy's a child's name, Zamit. Zero stars for this stepdad. Bill Madison, I'm there. Great. Billy Madison.

Will Madison. Yes. William? William Madison. That is great. That's the transition. That's the beautiful. He begins as a Billy Madison.

Middle, he's a Bill Madison. And by the end, he's a bill madison and by the end he's william baby oh yeah william would be my middle one and bill would be the old man name but that's just me yeah i kind of see it yeah yeah yeah like billy madison is a good old man name no that's fair i stand correct 50 yeah yeah yeah we should all become Bill when we cross that 50 year mark I reckon Oh no that makes me Bill Bailey He's already a guy

Oh shit guys Oh no Jackson you're gonna turn 50 and become That guy from Black Books Oh fuck I gotta go and be a movie TV show star guys I'm Bill Bailey now That's crazy because by the time- He's good at the piano.

Yeah, and by the time I turn 50, Bill Bailey might be dead, so I can just slot in to where he left. Bill Bailey will leave a big Bill Bailey-sized hole and I'll just take over. I can't wait to see you in Black Book Season 4. I don't remember what this show is about. I don't think I like it.

Jackson, read the script. I think that I made this show is about. I don't think I like it. Jackson, read the script. I think I made this as a piece of shit, right? Why am I here? Then I just wrecked the place or whatever. I'm 50. I don't want to be acting. Anyway, so it's a playing catch. Great. Yeah, good at it. Very good at that.

Giving the birds and the bees conversation. Terrible. Does he get given the birds and the bees conversation in the film, Billy Madison? I remember Fetish for Grandmas in that film. He looks at pornos, so he definitely knows the concept of sex. It would fuck you up. It's October and it's Nudie Magazineie magazine day yeah that's true it would love

nudie magazine it would fuck you up pretty bad if the sex talk was heavily about fucking old women like if they were like when a man finds a grandma and they fall in love like i was just gonna color the the way you're imagining love yeah but no but he life. Yeah, but no, he fell in love with Veronica. That's true. And? So hang on, though. In a bad column for old Billy Madison. So he learns his lesson by Veronica beating the shit out of him.

Yeah, yeah. That's like a negative reinforcement. No, no, like literally beating the shit. Yeah, yeah. He has like the positive reinforcement of you know yeah sure the potential there for veronica's titties but then also he does a lot better when it's chris farley's titties yeah that is true that's interesting and then he does like you know he learns his lesson quite like quite well when yeah he gives up hope and veronica just absolutely

smacks the crap out of him and then he sings sings a song about it. Exactly. Thank you, Veronica, for beating the shit out of me. Yeah, it's good. And then he's in a blitz of water. It's great. Great film. Five stars. So, yeah, I don't know. This isn't against the birds and the bees conversation,

but just in terms of learning from Billy Madison, maybe he himself has learned not the best lessons but he's going to college to become a teacher so maybe he tries and also he's clearly left veronica to start dating your mom which is interesting you don't know they could be polly yeah that's true they could be polly and also i mean like you get a step mom and a step dad that's cool damn you're like dusha with a million step-parents. Rich, wealthy and step-family. A king. You're going to get a lot of presents,

and a lot of them are going to sort of miss the mark, but they'll be close. My biggest fear, though, is that because Billy Madison has really good and fond memories of being in grade three, is that a lot of his sort of like educational touchstones or educational points might be from a grade three level. Okay. So he might be explaining the birds and the bees,

but from that sort of like mindset. And once again, Billy Madison, I am a 34-year-old man. Yeah. I know this, Billy. That's going to be the worst bit. That's the worst part of the birds and the bees. You know when he's like Billy Madison, William, Bill Whatever we're calling you

I have fucked I know you put your wiener In a girl's pee pee And it's soaked up This ain't news to me You do a happy sneeze This is fucking basic. This is day one, SpongeBob.

Come on. I get it. And Billy Madison's going to be like, you are yelling at me? I am just trying to help you, okay? And look, you have fundamentally misunderstood what sex is. Yeah, you actually definitely need this talk. Because it seems like you somehow got the sex talk from Jackson who got it from

Lil' Nicky, okay? So, if anyone needs this, you do. So I think, yeah, I think Billy Madison would be alright, even though it's not going to be an amazing 10 out of 10 sex talk, but I think it might be like an ample 5 out of 10. Like, it's fine,

but it's probably a little bit too dumbed down. Yeah, and you can augment it with nudie magazines you know what i mean he's gonna have the worst stepdad trait though which is thinking it's fine to give you a nudie magazine that's true but zamet is 34 so it's not okay but it's less weird if your dad gives you a porno that's bad because you know that there's a big chance that he's also jerked off to it and you don't want to jerk off to something that you know your dad has jerked off.

Yeah. And you're 34. It doesn't... We need to remind you, 34. It's not normal, but it's not a crime. It's not normal. But it's not a crime. It's not a crime. It's not good. But it's bad.

At what age is it ever appropriate? 50 and 50. If you're over 50, you can share pornos. Who cares at that point? You're 50. Anyone who is railing your mother, you cannot share a porno with. That's the rules. Okay.

All right. So I didn't know we were living in a damn prison state. You don't want to be fucking. Annie state? Yeah, I just don't know what I meant. I'm just trying to think. All right. As a horny teen, dad gives me a porno

weird not sure how i feel about this yeah that's not great oh yeah as a teen bad as a child bad both 50 or good no 18 someone as like you're 18 now you can legally have this. That has happened to me. And it's bad. Bad. Oh, did your stepdad give you a porno? No, it was a nudie calendar. It was a joke. But I was like, hmm. No, that's bad.

What about if you'd both been 50? Would you have been okay with that? If my name was Bill? Two Bills. Two Bills in the old folks home. Exchanging pornos. That rules. That's just a good time.

Is he still my stepdad? He's banging your mom. Whether they've made it official or not is unclear. No, okay. Because, again, it comes down to if someone's banging my mom, I don't think I want to share pornos with them. It feels bad. You're both 50.

He's banging your mom, and he gives you a beautiful gilf porno. Yeah. No, you know what? Here's the best side of it. We're both 50. We're both called Bill. He's banging my mom. I'm banging his mom.

We share a porno. That is great. That's natural, baby. That's beautiful. That's my great. That's natural, baby. That's beautiful. That's my religion. All right, Billy Madison dealing with bullies. Let's get into it. The nitty gritty.

Well, he is fresh out of high school. He does get bullied by the O'Doyles a lot. But then maybe he's experienced, and he's experienced the gamut of bullying by the O'Doyles because he's experienced like the young O'Doyles a lot. But then maybe he's experienced, and he's experienced the gamut of bullying by the O'Doyles, because he's experienced the young O'Doyles, and then he experienced the meaner teen O'Doyles.

So I think he'd be kind of on the board with what to do with bullies, because he does, with the younger ones, maybe he's a bit too gung-ho and a bit aggressive, but by the teen O'Doyles, he's just learned to be like, whatever, dude, that's fine. Tino Doyles is fun to say,

because it sounds like you're going to say Tino, as in the same way that we say, like, I'm a grounder. Yeah. You know. I'm a Tino. Tino. You got Tino's, Tino's, and grown-up-o's. That's the three kinds.

Now, from memory, when he does go to Tino O'Doyle. The O'Doyles die. Let's not forget that. Yeah, they do. But before that, does Billy Madison kind of almost have like a heart to heart or like a bit of an acceptance of like, what is going on with that family? It's okay, dude. Does he have that or is that a false memory? Great question.

Couldn't answer it. Not relevant to this episode. Carry on. They're dead. It doesn't matter what you say. If you say things to someone and then that person dies, they're wasted words. Okay.

All conversation is worthless except to immortals. Yes. You mean a highlander? That's why you can chat away. It's not worthless. When you're having a heart-to-heart with one of your loved ones on their deathbed, it doesn't fucking matter

because they're going to die very soon. It matters. It matters so much. Until they die, then it was worthless, yes. A waste of time. What did Grandpa say to you?

He whispered something to you before he passed. Oh, who cares? Yeah, I don't know. Whatever. Some shit doesn't matter. Some fucking, I don't know, something buried somewhere. He's dead now. Who gives a fuck? I don't know. Whatever. I don't know. Some shit doesn't matter. Some fucking, I don't know, something buried somewhere.

He's dead now. Who gives a fuck? I don't care. Yeah. See? See, you understand now. You're all on my side. It's making a lot of sense. I'm going to smoke a cigarette in this hospital.

Who gives a shit? Look, I'm going to blow it in Grandad's face. He doesn't care. He's dead as shit. Shut up and fucking hell. Who gives a damn? Look, I'm going to put it out on his arm. Yeah, nothing.

He's dead. I've followed the J Gelducia religion. Anyway, time to go self-suck. I tried. I got two religions. I'm doing a deuce. It's a deuce religions. You know?

A deuce of religions. Excuse me. And then you self-suck and roll out the hospital. Yeah. Cigarette and penis in your mouth at the same time. That's cool. That would look like a smoke trail. Like a train.

Well, yeah, because it's good. You just blow the smoke directly into your urethra and then shit it out. I think that's how they cured polio back in the day or some shit. Smoking cigarettes directly into the eye of a penis. I think they smoked your penis to fix something. That's not even a joke.

They had like bellows and they'd put it up your wiener And puff the smoke in No that was to resuscitate people From drowning I think they'd put it up your ass Oh okay It didn't work I can't imagine Let me say

It might not have worked but it should have Great I very much am team Let me say, it might not have worked, but it should have. Great. I very much, very much am team, why did that not work? That's great. Imagine lifeguard. Imagine you go into the beach and a lifeguard pulls out a bellow and just whips down someone's speedos, rams it right up their ass, and they're like,

oh, thank you so much. That's way better than CPR. Yeah, that's great. Flip him, get the bellows. That would have been fantastic. You do it to staying alive. Stay alive, stay alive. Stay alive!

You do a real slow one. So you're dealing with bullies. I think he'd be pretty good. Yeah. Because he'd have pretty much first-hand experience with it. And the problem with maybe parents dealing with bullies nowadays, their bullying has changed. And so they might not be understanding what kind of bullying is happening.

At least Billy Madison has first-hand experience that's quite recent. Yeah, very true. What about cyberbullying? Do you think he could help with cyberbullying? Or is he too much of an idiot to understand the internet? Yeah, that's kind of what I'm thinking. If somebody's like, hey, Stinky Zamet, stop stinking up the place on Messenger,

he's not going to know what to do. When you log into MSN and your school rival has changed their display name to Zamet is Stinky Piss. I feel Billy Madison like, and this is maybe his first reaction might be to unplug the computer and then throw the screen out the window

and then he's like, we fixed the problem. A cruel little man in the computer is bullying you. Let's bin it. So I feel that might be the first instance where he might The cruel little man in the computer is bullying you. Let's bin it. So I feel that might be the first instance where he might fuck up. But I feel he does have the capacity to learn. Yes, very true. We do know that about Billy.

And I think after a while he might understand it. And if he himself is a teacher, I think, again, he'd be pretty much across the board. True. What about making love to Mama? I don't be alright. See, I disagree. Billy Madison has had veryison has he'll fuck like a teen for sure yeah he had very little opportunity to develop love making skills he's an amateur when it comes to the battlefield that is the bedroom he depends how much he learns from veronica but that's only one part you know he jerks off to nudie magazine so much that the moment he sees a real-life tit or pussy

or, Jesus Christ, heaven forbid, an anus, he's going to just... The most coveted of all of them all. Yeah, yeah. It is a good one. It is a good one. Yeah. It makes the top three holes for a reason.

I'm an anus fan. You know, hey, there it is. Number one, anus. Number two, urethra. Number three, pussy. Yeah. Those are the best holes. I might flip two and three myself, but yeah, I'm good off the board.

Whatever works. Whatever fights you both. It's fine. Yeah, I think if you're listening to Billy Madison making love to your mum, you're hearing, oh, sorry. What are you looking at, penis? That sucks. That's real bad.

Yeah. Zero. Ooh, anus. Anus is better. No, vagina is better no vagina is better how are you putting them together oh no he he's blowing fat ropes yeah you lying in bed just putting your pillows around your ears because wow you've really nobody wants to hear their mother having sex but you don't want to hear that you know what I mean? Yeah, I like the idea of just quietly, like,

shaking your head, pillow over your ears, being like, ah, he's blowing fat ropes. I thought you were just going to say, like, ah, he's blowing it in there. He's blowing it. He's fucking it up. He's really fucking it up. Mum's not going to be impressed.

Mum's going to be so cut in the morning, I'm going to have to deal with it when I wake up for school. I'm 29 years old Nothing is worse than hearing that And then hearing your mum get up The ensuite door opening and closing And then just the sound of a vibrator Oh wow

That's a loud vibrator You're hearing that through two or three doors It's industrial One of them you plug into the wall The Hitachis You're like mum's going to be so unsatisfied tomorrow three doors. Walls. It's industrial. Yeah, one of them you plug into the wall. The Hitachi's. You're like, Mum's going to be so unsatisfied tomorrow when she puts down my cereal. It's going to be so

aggressive. A little bit of milk's going to spill on the table. Oh, man. And then we'd have to go to... Yeah, they're like, what's wrong, Mum? And then she's going to take it out on me. Mum, I wish you would pick a boyfriend that would fuck you good so you weren't mean to me. And then you're going to sit on the bus and be like,

I'm 34. What am I even going to do at a high school? How did my life get to this point? There is a very big chance I get off this bus and there is police waiting for me. How did I get on this high school bus? What has happened? Who let me on here?

Where's my family? Why do I have this backpack? I have this backpack what is going on um okay and then fighting billy madison is the final category he is a violent man although his go-to move is lighting dog shit on fire and putting on our doorsteps a great prank you can't do in the middle of a battle you can't nobody's that quick that's no form of karate you know so i think you might have him there and that's not what you want you know yeah either gonna have him or at like best a tie yeah yeah well hey but look he's doing better little nicky yeah for sure for sure and now a quick word from our sponsors also did you know that we do too many shows across the Sandspancer Radio Network? Take Why Am I Sad, a happy little podcast where four friends try their best to stop feeling their worst.

While we often advocate for therapy in the show, you know what's cheaper? Talking to your mates. And sometimes that's all you need. Unless you do need therapy, because if you do, go to therapy. Therapy's great. So if you want to hear myself chat to my good friends Cass, George, and Zoe about our feelings and the things that are making us sad

that week, just search for Why Am I Sad on iTunes or Spotify or head to our website, sanspansradio.com. Alright, Dusha, bring us home. Yeah, okay. So, basically, look, we know that I am the big movie guy in this podcast, the big stepdad guy, but I'm also the big

music guy. Yeah, I'm everything. You guys know it. I know it. Our audience knows it. When I think of a thing, I automatically think of your face. Yeah, me too. Likewise.

Is my face doing this? I think of the Green Day album Dookie or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think of your face on the front. Yeah. So basically, I think that the best Adam Sandler to be a stepdad would be the Adam Sandler that sung Ode to My Car, or as the internet used to call it, Piece of Shit Car. I see. Okay.

Elaborate. It's got a piece of shit car. Yeah, so in the 90s, Adam Sandler released a couple of comedy albums. One of them included a song about how his car is a piece of shit. Great. I think that that Billy Madison that owns that piece of shit car would be the best stepdad. And the lyrics make it very apparent

to that being the reason. So, like, he's upset, obviously. He's got a piece of shit car. Won't get him very far. Car's a big piece of shit because the shocks are fucking shot. His seatbelt's fucking broken. I got a tie at a knot.

That's hectic. That is hectic, and a knot that's hectic that is hectic but that is showing ingenuity and that is showing thinking outside the box so that's great skills for a stepdad uh also like he's he's a bit of a party guy you can tell because later on he's like i can't see through the windshield because it's got a big fucking crack my interior smells real bad because my friend puked in the back oh Oh, wow. You want your stepdad to be equal parts responsible and fun. And it seems like we're getting that from this song. Well, you know that he wouldn't grill you for staying too late at a friend's party. Because he'd be like, I have this piece of shit car that is a constant reminder of my heyday.

And yeah, I was probably a burnout or at least a real shithead person. But maybe I've cleaned up and this is kind of my burden. Yeah, yeah. This is his cross to bear. Kind of like with Billy Madison, where it's like, you know, initially, like at the start, sure, big loser, you don't want to do anything with that. But by the end of it, and maybe after he's grown up a little bit, maybe great. Yeah.

And like, yeah, going through the lyrics, I mean, look, the whole town thinks he's a loser. So he's got a bit of an underdog quality right now. Very true. So his car's got no fucking brakes. He's always out of control. Eleven times a day he hears, hey, watch it, asshole. That's important because it means he can put up with shit. Yeah, very true.

I'm 29 years old. And driving without brakes. That's pretty damn good. Yeah, very true. I'm 29 years old. And driving without brakes. That's pretty damn good. Yeah, that's cool. He's using, I guess, the handbrake for his regular brake. The fact that this version of Adam Sandler is not dead shows an incredible level of talent that I think you want in a stepdad.

I think that's good. And I think it's important to realise that with a stepdad, you don't want a dad. You don't need someone that's going to look after you and be responsible because, like you said, you're 29. You're going to be okay. What you need is someone that's going to be fun, respect you, and understand your needs and desires.

Yeah. So this Adam Sandler also will, I guess, look after everyone's clean eating habits because his car is too wide for a drive-through oh wow fantastic home-cooked meals it is then guaranteed that's a beautiful yeah uh but yeah this whole song really just shows what you can do with what you've got yeah and again and the fact that he is not dead where he's driving a car with no brakes, a windshield that you cannot see out of,

bald tyres, a car that has a fucking rag for a gas cap, and the tailpipe is on the floor as it is making sparks every time that he is driving. And again, this is a guy with also very high self-esteem because the whole town thinks he's a loser, but he does, this is a guy with also very high self-esteem because the whole town thinks he's a loser, but he does not give a shit.

He is persevering. Also, thrifty. The car still runs. You know? Yeah. He's not upgraded it. He's not taking it in for service. He doesn't need to

because it works. He does unfortunately say, I'm too broke to buy something new. Stepdads don't need to be rich. They just need to be good stepdads. That's all that matters. Yeah. And yeah,

uh, yeah, there's a lot. He's, he's definitely like worldly. Uh, cause like, yeah,

you can't just, you can't just survive the experience of owning this car without some, you know, street smarts. Goodness. And like, oh my God. And like,

again, he's not going to get suckered into the latest technology. He's not going to try and buy your love with like new little toys. And yes, yes, I can be bought, but there is something there to like, you know, show respect for what come before and to be like, not just be impressed by little trinkets, because look, there's the car.

It's got no CD play. It's only got an eight track. And like, that's fantastic. It's going to make you appreciate what you have. Yeah. Appreciate the classics. For sure. I think that all of these other stepdads were inappropriate for men our age.

I think that was a real... By and large. Yeah, by and large, that was a sticking point, is that me and Zamit, they were inappropriate stepdads for us. But Dushar, I think for a man of 29, Adam Sandler, as depicted in My Piece of Shit Car is kind of the perfect stepdad. He's fun.

You don't really have to deal with any of the bad. No. You're not living there, you know? Exactly. Plus he comes with a car. He comes. I can borrow his car if I, I guess, want to die. If you want to take the risk.

Sure, it's there. And another great thing as well, I guess want to die. If you want to take the risk. Sure. It's there. And another great thing as well. Like if a girly sees my car, there's no chance I'll ever bang her. He's going to be faithful. Which is kind of great. Faithful to mum.

That is good. Or maybe, and even this could be the jackpot, doesn't fuck my mum. Yeah. I mean, I guess. Truly the desire.

So let's, let's, let's speed round these categories, all right? Yeah. We don't have to speed round them. I just like rubbing my hands together. Yeah, yeah. Getting up to trouble, I get it.

I like scheming. Yeah, yeah. So playing catch. He will be distracted because he's thinking about his piece of shit car, but he'll do it. Yes, but the skills that he's had to form dealing with a piece of shit car, but he'll do it. Yes, but the skills that he's had to form dealing with a piece of shit car might transfer over for him to be great at playing catch.

Yeah, sure, I'll accept that. Why not? I think the problem will be the fact that he's definitely got a simmering rage about him, so you might be playing catch and all of a sudden you're getting them back very quickly yeah yeah a little little hard there stepdad little okay all right all right yeah that is true that is true but you know that'll train you yeah it'll make you a better catch harden those hands definitely yeah make you a much better guy uh the birds and the bees talk well he clearly does understand sex From the line

If a girl sees my car there's no chance I'll ever bang her in bracket He never ever gets the pussy The 90s rules And how But I can imagine Dusha the situation where you're like Stepdad what happens Adam Sandler What happens after my

Wiener soaks up all the juices And then I can imagine Adam Sandler being like, oh, sorry, I'm so distracted thinking about my piece of shit car. I can't pay attention to whatever you need, kid. My car is such a piece of goddamn shit. And that's good. You don't need to know. You're 29.

Well, that's fine, I guess, Adam Sandler, because I already knew. And they shake hands and leave. And plus, like, his tactic would be like, well, what you got to do is get a very good car. Women love cars. You notice how your stepdad isn't getting any lovemaking happening to his body? And you'll be like, weird way to phrase it, but I suppose.

Well, my car's to blame for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Makes a lot of sense. Also, a great lesson to learn there is shifting the blame. Oh, absolutely. It's not, Paul Workman blames his tools or whatever, you know. Everything has a problem, and that problem is a piece of shit car. It's not your terrible personality.

It's not the fact that you can't go and, like, you know, either save or work out how to get a better car. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's the car that's to blame. Which is a great lesson in adam's ellis defense please my wife car's fault yeah it's what is your mother rolling over unsatisfied he looks out the window at his piece of shit car in the driveway then he goes out and hits it with a bat, which just makes it worse. It's a terrible cycle.

Why can't you make her come? Well, I mean, he also might be a little bad in bed because he's got a spring in his broken seat that constantly pokes him in the nutsack. So he might be sensitive. Yeah. Either it's kind of like got a like scar tissue there so he has to go real hard because i could feel something or he's just on edge and like bloody not even necessarily like it's done permanent damage uh it's more that like it he might you know like if like if someone's just like poking you or something you kind of

get like really protective of the area that That's right. They're jumpy. Yeah. You might be jumpy in bed. Yeah. Skittish. His balls will be skittish. Um, bullies.

I think that bullies will be scared of his piece of shit car rolling up. the simmering anger that is present in this song, bullies will not be a problem because there is a chance that Adam Sandler will just rip someone arm from arm. Like, he hasn't unloaded in this song, but it's there and he could. 100%. When he gets out of the car and you whisper to the bullies, that car doesn't even have brakes. They're going to be like, oh my God.

How did he stop? He didn't. He just rolls out. He just lets the car. He's like, it's going to go around the block and I'll catch it when it comes back. That's some talent. I'd be scared. Sure.

Just plows it into like walls and stuff to stop. Yeah. Okay. And then I guess, well, finally, taking him in a fight. I just don't think any of us have the edge here. Not at all. I think that seething rage at that piece of shit car. And like when the Adam Sandler of this song turns,

he might just see like his eyes will go red. And instead of our face, he's just seeing the front of his car. The seven different colors of the car. He's just hearing honking when you're talking. car. He's just hearing honking when you're talking. And I'm like and then just bang, right in the bread box.

What, dad? Slam. Yeah, absolutely. And there's us clutching our bellies rolling on the ground, being like why? And all he is hearing is and then he just keeps slamming our soft face into the paper. Yeah.

Finally a happy ending. That's all you want from a stepdad. I thought we established you wanted to be able to fight your stepdad, but I guess this is good too. Yeah. So the Adam Sandler in An Ode to My Car, the Adam Sandler that owns a piece of shit car, great stepdad.

Yeah, the best. What are stepdad energies about him? Yeah, I think across the board, Ode to My Car, Billy Madison, I think would be perfectly serviceable stepdad. Little Nicky. Dog shit choice. The worst choice.

Classically, a man with a bad brain had a bad choice and a bad idea. A man with a bad Classically, a man with a bad brain had a bad choice and a bad idea. A man with a bad brain thought that a man with a bad brain would make a good stepdad. Yeah. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. And Adam Sandler has been our stepdad and has fucked our mom.

Yeah. I reckon he's got like a bent wiener. Nah. Nah, Adam Sandler's dick would be alright. Have you always thought about signing up for Sandspans Plus, but you haven't found the right opportunity to take the plunge? Well, maybe now's the time. See, for a limited time only, new subscribers can get 25% off the first two months of SansPants Plus if they use the coupon

code plusplus25 at checkout. Honestly there's so much good shit available to Plus members it's crazy. We're talking extra D&D campaigns, three different review shows, whole bonus series, video content and all of it ad free. So now's your chance, use the coupon code PLUSPLUS25 to get 25% off the first two months of SansPants Plus today.