Plumbing the Death Star - Which Alien Would Be the Worst to Be Abducted By?

Episode Date: December 15, 2024

Oh no! Space aliens have taken a keen interest in plumbing the death star and decided to abduct them. What will befall our intrepid trio? Well, Zammit almost instantly dies from exposure, Jackson gets stranded in the past, and Duscher goes to court for a crime he didnt do (but easily could have). There's way less probe talk in this episode than you'd think. Not 0, obviously, there was going to be some, but still you'll be surprised by how briefly it comes up.Links to everything in our linktr.ee including our terrible merch, social media garbage and where to become a subscriber to Bad Brain Boys+ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're listening to the Sans Pants Network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. I am also Joel. Holy cow! Plumbing the Death Star is a comedy pop culture podcast that asks the important questions! Like, and this week, who knows what we're gonna ask I know cuz we're gonna ask which alien would be the worst to be abducted by Alien from fiction not from real life Alien from fiction not from real life

Aliens from real life a bacteria maybe yes, that's true No, I don't even know if this bacteria is real the kids like the rain They're also from fiction yeah, that that is true. People believe in them, but we've broken his sweet little heart. He loved Grey's dude. I love him so much. Grey's Anatomy would be better if it was about like the anatomy of an alien. Like instead of Meredith Grey, it was

like a Grey and them's a bloop or something. Yeah, yeah. She's a Grey alien and like that is a big reveal at the end of season one. Yeah They're like Medical students or whatever, but really she's just there to blend into human society To try to find my sex humane. Yeah. Yeah, I think that'd be a great TV show I also want to congratulate both of you on writing. What is no doubt a cutaway family guy gag

Dude, honestly, I'll take it Like you know, it's not easy You write a family guy cutaway gag Yeah, like it's so easy. You wrote a family guy guy. Yeah Okay, so yeah, you know Griffin will say this is that's like that show I saw on TV Yeah, and then it's South Park, but it's called North Park. And they're like. What do they like, dude?

How are they? Oh my God, you killed Jimmy. And then it'll cut back to Peter on the couch. He'll be like, what's funny about this? This is a bad show. And then it'll come back to Peter in the real, being like, hmm, I hope they cancel that show. And then everyone will be like, whoa, they started a fight with South Park. Wait, did they cut back to Peter in the real being like hmm. I hope they cancel that show and then everyone about Whoa, they start a fight with South Park wait did they cut back to Peter twice?

Yeah, that happens all the time wait they cut back to oh I see so they cut back to Peter within the cutaway Yeah, and then they cut to okay, and that's um actually South Park and family guy Yeah, it's a sort of it's actually clapping back several years late. Yeah Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Go away Graze Anatomy. Okay, put that into a family guy bit for me Okay, this is just like that terrible show Graze Anatomy and then they okay you fucked it. They do say that shut up That's not true at all Stewie might say it. Oh Brian. It's just like that terrible show Grey's Anatomy And then it comes to Grey's Anatomy and then in Grey's Anatomy they say what's the name of the main girl in Grey's Anatomy?

Meredith. Thank you. They say Meredith. Do you have those documents and Meredith says wha and then she eats them and she's a grey alien That is family guy Yeah, they're there Anyway, I pick Predator. I think Predator would be bad to be abducted by. One, because I know it's not going to be just a one and done situation. Well, it is a one and done situation. No, it's one to hunt me. It's one and done in that done is your life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's not quick. Nor is it instant. I'm going to either be abducted and then I'm going to go, what's happening now? And then I'm going to be on the Predator homeland and then, oh no, and, and then it's gonna be like we're hunting you now. I've got to survive Also, like you know like so like the ideal alien abduction yeah, right like you're your primo Yeah, the best possible one you want to happen we get abducted you get you get sucked up the tractor Yeah, they cut you a little they come they cut you a little probe me a little probe you a little get me off Yeah, yeah, yeah, they back collect some of your semen, and then they send you a little, they probe you a little, they get me off, they pull me back.

They collect some of your semen and then they send you back home and they wipe your memory. Getting sucked up in a tractor beam. What am I wiping my memory for? That's what they love to do, dude. You'll remember it later and then go see a hypnotherapist or whatever and then it'll all come back. Yeah. Yeah and then it'll be awesome and then you'll go to the news and you'll say, seven years

ago I was abducted by an alien and they put stuff in my arse and jacked off my dick And then like that, it was a real little tone Hot penis is tiny And then it'll cut back to the news presenter and he'll be like, I don't know why he said that More than five Cut back to me. I just wanted you guys to know, you know, it's a real paint your picture It cuts back to the news presenter and presenter He's like stop cutting away from me Why is the audio

Of the news cut to commercial Head down to crazy bills crazy prices my tiny dick Head down to crazy bills crazy prices my tiny dick Happened as he hacked the news I am the news playing like ads as a and then the clip from the guy who talked about his tiny Big ball playing them over the top. Do they not know how to stop? Unfortunately the order, yeah. Tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny nuts. Tiny balls, balls. I think you've just made a sound ball.

I think they're just having fun. How's it going? So the thing with predators as well is that you actually don't know you've been abducted by predators at first, because you wake up in a jungle. And then you're also, I mean, we're basing it on the predator movie where they go to the predator homeland, predators, predators, you wake up in a jungle with a bunch of other human beings. And some of them are like, oh, me guys. Yeah. And you got to

be like, what am I here? What did I do? What when you found out that the rest of them were a form of predator? Yeah. Or warrior? Yeah. What would you think? I'm like, I don't... I would have... There's been a mistake. I'm lost. Yeah. There's gotta be another Xamet somewhere. Some mistaken identity. I understand that their Xamet is a very common name in Malta. Yeah.

Uh, Joel is like, it's a biblical name. Yeah. Malta is very, very Christian of some variety. Mmm. So presumably, there's another Joel Xammert out there. You fucked up. Do you think when the Predators came, when they were like Would you be like, hey man, I think so. What? Because there's a problem here. There's two things, right? Yeah, because one is like fight or flight. And fight kicks in, that's on for the Predator. Yes.

So they're gonna be like, well he's fighting back. It's all fair Yeah, because they've got big honor code absolutely. Yeah for sure, but if I don't Well, they might be the other predators ie the humans. Yeah, you're gonna cut me open and wear my entrails I don't think why they're doing that because they were like sociopaths And I'm weak I mean don't ask Jackson's memory of this movie because he got a very wrong I know and he's also like inception me to think that yeah I think the same thing. There's a pedophile on the movie. I want to say it's played by Topher Grace. The way I remember this movie as a refresher for those at home. Is there every single person selected for the island is one form of Predator including child Predator Topher Grace. Yeah

And I remember having to thought, wow, that's a funny choice that he made. But actually, that's a funny choice I made. And that's a funny choice that I still believe is a little bit true. Yeah, but I think he's just a serial killer. He's not a child, prior to that. You can see how I got there. Yeah, I see how you took my hand and I'm there too. Exactly, I brought your luck.

I was like, was he a child killer? And I was like, yeah, probably. Yeah, I see how like you took my hand on there too. Yeah, exactly. I brought you along. I was like, what did you show up, Predator? I was like, yeah, probably. Yeah, it was. Well now it's got me thinking John Wayne Gacy versus Predator. Who wins? Whoa, well the way John Wayne Gacy, he relied on a lot of manipulation. Yeah. I have a very, sorry, very quick question first off. Do Predators like clowns? I don't think anyone would like John Wayne Gacy's clown

Yeah, but also I think they did though. I think if I was a predator I don't get that cuz I look at him and I'm like yeah, yeah, like I mean one time side man Yeah, yeah, but like if you show They can even saw she see infrared was his vibe so bad that they were infrared Yeah, maybe I think the thing with a clown is so a predator doesn't know what a clown is, right? Yeah, but what would a clown... Okay, crazy question. Bear with me. What would a clown look like to an alien? What would a clown look like if you didn't know what a clown was?

Oh, like war paint in a weird way, or kind of like how like, you know, a bird does like big kind of like, make itself bigger, does different things and colors, so it's like a bit more repetitive, scary. So I think it's either, it's terrifying. Or it's poisonous. Or it's poisonous. Yeah, like a tree dart frog or whatever. So either it's gonna be bigger and it's trying to eat me,

or it's trying to be poisonous, like about to eat, or it's gonna be like, is this, what could be mating ritual? Oh yeah. Hmm, do I want to make love to this clown? Do I want to make love to this clown? I think that if you are a humanoid and the people you've been dealing with are other humans,

you're probably gonna look at a clown and think, it's either a representative of the people, Yeah. Or a warrior. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, there's a race of clowns. We have killed your king. But also like,

And they hold up the clown's head. Do you think that predators have jesters? I don't know. What's funny for a predator? Yeah, what's a runt of a predator litter? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, presumably you get weak predators. And they just get killed?

Yeah, I suppose. Because predators, that's gotta be part of, like, you know, like a whole society can't just live off everyone being predators, right? Yeah. Some people gotta, you know- Be prey? Like the movie? Well, some people gotta, you know... Be prey, like the movie? Well some people gotta build their houses Some people build their houses, some people build their spaces, engineers You gotta also have people like, you know...

Is Predator their actual race? No, they're the one-ti- One-chan, yang-guang, wang-ga-cha One of those is a D&D monster But like, it's a snake Wange-ya, wang-cha? Because aliens are xenomorphs. Yes. And predators, I'm guessing, have a name as well.

They do. It won't... I hope you are so wrong. No, I'm so right. Wonga? I don't know. Wonga? What's their real name? Thanks, Google. Xammer just gamma-gammagoo-gled Predator alien race and he got the answer

extraterrestrial life That's not what I wanted there I can't help you either my phone and laptop not in the room Very close I knew it like oh Yeah, how you pronounce it then? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Why are you what do you reckon now? Yeah? Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, there's a pronunciation right next to it isn't there yeah, yeah, yeah, you're gonna click it. Oh, it's

No way it's Yahucha No way it's Yahucha Thought it's muted by the way. Okay, but like there's a spelling with like it's Y-A-H. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, two capital O's and then C-H upside down E Yahucha Yahucha we'll never know Yahoochay Yahoochay? Yahoochay Yahoochay? Yahoochay? We'll never know Mmm Yeah, okay

Let's see if I can If you can find out how to pronounce the predator race Yahoochay That's not what I would have guessed No Yeah, you'd think clicking on it would give you someone saying it It gives you just a description of what a pronunciation guide is Yeah, yeah, you gotta figure that yourself

Yahoochay Yahoochay With the accent on the second syllable and the cha almost sounds like a j sound Description of pronunciation guided. Yeah. Yeah, you got to figure that yourself Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Now it's funny to the other eight like the sir alien versus predator is Zenomorphs versus yoga Do you so do you think you you've waken on the predator homeland surrounded by soldiers? The predators come in, they start hunting you. What would you do?

I'm going to hide. Okay. I believe they'd probably see that as cowardly and leave you alone. I hope that my brain is like, okay, I can't climb a tree. Yeah. So I'm gonna go into this mud, like a pig. Like a filthy pig I am. Nice.

Wallow in there and just kind of do that. Just leave you like- What if they can't see you? I don't know, and then accidentally they leave me alone. And I'm like- They're like, he's the greatest- You're gonna get stuck on their planet. Yeah.

But they're like, did you get everyone? They get stuck on their planet Yeah, they're like did you get everyone they're like yeah pretty much I gotta go find Lauren Hey man, don't explain You're on a predator planet No, you're going to die soon They like like how like philosophically we're all going to die Rapidly are you familiar with a yo-yo? No Okay, well, they're gonna kill you, but you're probably not gonna see them. So don't worry about it

It's actually perfect gonna come as you won't even know you'll just be dead You like be blipped out of existence. Or alternatively, there is a chance that you exist for five seconds longer than that and you see your own body without a head from the ground's point of view. They like to take the spines out of people in your skull. I see, I see, I understand the- And there's a real bad chance, if Alien vs Predator is canon,

that they're gonna take you to a big pyramid and put an alien in you. What's an alien? What do you mean an alien? So they're also called Xenomorphs. They are an alien, that's true. Yeah. So basically it's like this guy.

Yeah. And he like puts an egg in your belly. Yeah. Egg? Yeah. In a way. And then the alien bursts out of you, but you're dead. But it sucks. Does it mean? Yeah, so you have a way. Yeah, then it the alien bursts out of you, but you're dead, but it sucks

Yeah, so you know Farming aliens basically it's a good hunt for yeah Yeah, it's like a breeding why are they putting an egg in their stomach when a face hugger does that? No, they they get the face up the predators get the face. I'll go put on the guy Okay, they're just doing it so they're like I can hunt it's fun to hunt aliens I guess I thought they hated that because the end of alien verse predator doesn't the predator have an alien in it Yeah, I cooked it. Yeah Like that one a young inexperienced warrior. Yeah, it's like because you know in the history of doing this

This is never gone. Yeah somehow in the issue of farming Yeah, and they want real bad this time. And then you get an alien predator? Yeah, predalien. Really clever stuff. Well, it's like how in The Predator there's a super predator, I think? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is maybe designed... I forget why they made it. A predator predator? Which is maybe designed I forget why they made it Maybe I don't know they got dogs to that

Yeah, cuz like if I if they if I just mug myself up. Mm-hmm First off, I'm dirty. Yeah. Yeah, that is gross And then they like truffles because they're like we got them all and if we didn't whatever Yeah, is the the world that they're in is it hostile pretty hostile just to be around Not a great place to stick around yeah, yeah Get through some yeah, like if you had to get food Let's just like let's just take you away from the predator role. All right, Doug. Let's put you in the like the woods Let's put you in the middle in the middle of an Australian rainforest. Okay, yep. Alright. How are you getting food? Okay, firstly...

What do you... Okay, trees. There's food on trees. There is food on trees. Sometimes. So we've got to look for food. So, you found some berries? Yeah. Berries, yep. Because I know that... Because blackberries, they're thorny, they're maybe a pest or whatever.

I don't really know, but I know they grow and you can... Can you eat them? Let's say you find some blackberries. Okay. You don't really know but I know they grow and you can Let's say you find some blackberries. Okay, you don't know if that I'm not saying that's not blackberries You just find some black. What do they look like? They're like small round blackberries with like a say like a Pointed green leaf. They don't look like blackberries. Okay. Okay. I'm gonna Hmm. I'll grab one. Yeah, I'm squeeze a little bit into my tongue and see what it tastes like I gotta be clever about this One can't kill me This could be poison

So I'll only ingest some So the human mouth, we're good at this if it tastes a bit bitter I spit it out Yeah, we're good at this. This is we've evolved for this. We're like yucky. No wait. I observe other animals smart I'm using that brain of mine I'll take the berry you're about to eat Wait a sec There's a lot of berries here a lot of birds birds are eating the berries go probably boys Oh time to get rid of that

Not in my mouth Not today berry You tried to trick me with your deliciousness Probably boys. Well time to get rid of that not in my mouth today You tried to trick me with your I like the idea of you throwing the berry down and then a bird sweeping and picking up that you're like, huh? Reaching for the berries again and then the bird falls out of the sky Stay away from these berries. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Alright, alright, alright, alright, okay. Okay. Alright, so I know that bird wants to eat the berry, that's good! Then I gotta trap it.

So I put the berry there. Can I? If I eat a bird that's dead from berry poison... How are you cooking it? Don't eat raw bird! Raw poison bird! Alright, is there a stream around? How would you find a stream? Don't eat raw birds. Raw poisoned birds. Alright, is there a stream around? How would you find a stream? Listen, using my ears.

Okay. So listen for a stream or I'm gonna go... So have you abandoned the bird or are you taking the bird to... No, I've got the dead bird on me. What are you doing at the stream with the bird? Are you about to poison your own water supply by putting a dead animal in there? I pluck the bird Then I gotta wash the bird

Then I gotta wash the bird No don't wash chicken, why would I wash a bird? Good point, I'm gonna pluck the bird Why don't you wash chicken? You don't wash chicken I don't think you need to wash chicken You don't need to wash chicken Say you couldn't find this okay, whatever

No stream. Okay, okay fire. I know I got a How you doing it? Okay, so far leaves. Yeah, twigs. Okay Flint. Uh-huh We're getting the Flint from Sharp rock Look a bit like a rock Look a bit like a rock Grey Look a bit like a rock It is grey

If I drop it No it's obsidian, fuck What is flint? It's a rock I was right! I don't know if that... yeah, okay. Yeah. No, okay, what I do is I get dry... Dry... Bark?

Uh-huh. Then you gotta do like a... you gotta rub a stick real quick onto some leaves. I wish someone was watching you do this. Yeah. Because the idea of like, oh, that man's car broke down, he walked into the woods, he just picked up a berry, watched a bird die a bird dive down the berry picked up the bird or to the stream looked at this Watch the carcass in the stream the bird above the stream for a bit

Probably not it's five It's always after the like, you know like pick the berry Hmm Think, think, think, drop it, pick up the bird Hmm So then, yeah So Also I would be washing a wild bird I found

I don't know though because What's it got on it? I guess you're cooking it which means the heat will kill. And like the reason you've you know. Yeah, get some rocks in a circle so it doesn't cause a forest fire. Okay. Try and like either like yeah light a lighter bit of fire using the friction method. Okay but how are you doing that? Okay so you get get... You do. You get like a bit of bark. Uh-huh. Don't you make a little hole or something?

Yes. Okay. This will get stuck. And then you get like leaves. Uh-huh. Dry leaves. Let me crush them up a bit. Put it on there. You start doing a bit of the...

Rubbing your hands together to try and maybe form some smoke. And then like, if a bit of smoke's happening... Wh-wh-wh-wh. Blow on it. Okay. So you get a bit of spark going. Hopefully it's enough there to like cause a bit of smoke's happened, blow on it so you get a bit of spark going and hopefully it's enough there to like cause a bit of fire. Yeah okay.

So where are you looking for the dry leaves and bark? In the rainforest. Also because even if it was just a forest forest you're currently next to a stream which is not traditionally where dead leaves would be. That's true, that's true. So I gotta go find these dry. Yeah, yeah What about shelter? It starts raining Bucketing down

Lie down on your back in the mud and then crawl over onto your face in the mud Okay, I gotta go find a cave Uh huh, how you gonna do that? Mmm And also, listen for the cave. Also, caves traditionally not the safest place.

I mean, it's, look in a forest, in Australia That's true actually. I think you're just gonna really struggle to find a cave in a forest. Alright, maybe try and find like a little lean-to. Like a Someone's already purple It's like, if I go out like off the mainstream

Find a house Smash open a window Ah, made some accommodations Oh my god Ah, okay, so find like a, um Like a rock Yeah That's like, sticking out a little bit

Providing some shelter Yeah Ah, and try and like huddle under there Be like socks Yeah, with your raw like hot under my socks No, when I finally make fire it's gonna be so Morning is just full of bag. Oh Quick Cuz I could go you ain't do is you want to make some sort of like... What kind of a dead bird attract attention?

Predators? What kind of predators? Yeah, in Australia you're probably pretty good. Foxes... Crocodiles... Crocodiles... Dingles... You're crossing a stream with it, maybe.

Leeches... Yeah, you're covered in leeches, brother. Canned questions. No, don't make fun. No wrong answers. So, I have a leech on me. I'm like, I need to eat eventually. I let that leech gorge on me. It's big. I have a fire.

I cook the leech. I eat the leech. Is that... am I okay? I read a story once called Lost in the Outback or some shit. I'd cook the leech. You can eat leech. I eat the leech, is that, am I okay? I read a story once called, Lost in the Outback or some shit. And in it, a guy found himself, he lived for like a month by a dam. Yeah.

And he ate a bunch of shit. Including leeches, which he said tasted disgusting. But he did eat them. You couldn't live on them. You can't even did eat them. You couldn't live on them. You can't even live on rabbits. You couldn't live on leech. You can't live on rabbits? I can't catch a rabbit.

It's a thing called rabbit starvation. Where rabbits don't provide you enough. It's like the math is wrong basically. So the amount of rabbits... Wait what? The amount of energy that is expended catching the rabbit or something to do with the the amount of nutrients- wait what? The amount of energy that is expended catching the rabbit or something to do with the amount of nutrients you get from a rabbit Just isn't enough to sustain your body. It's like a thing you get rabbit starvation, so you're gonna get bleach starvation

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Well I would say- So wait, I need to go back to rabbit starvation again Yeah So is that taking into consideration you physically catching the rabbit or is the act of eating rabbit more energy? I don't know the specifics on it. I have to admit. Surely it's got to do with like the amount of nutrients, right? Yeah, it's something to do with the amount of nutrients you get from eating a whole rabbit.

It's just not an animal you can live off. Also, I don't know how to gut a bird or a rabbit. Arsehole to mouth. Yeah, with what? My finger. Arsehole to mouth. I don't have any sharp utensil, right? Yeah.

So, rock. I'll use that rock I mentioned earlier. I just squashed the boot. Somehow trying to get a sharp, I got a rock. Can you sharpen a rock by getting a rock onto a bigger rock and just grinding it down? So I remember learning in my paleoarchaeology class about how we made our first tools And I thought you were about to reinvent napping KNA PPING and then you just didn't and it's so funny I was like, oh, he's about to recreate human evolution So napping is where you get one rock and another rock and you slam it so that it knocks off shale

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's I mean I get it, it makes sense too. So there's grinding, then there's two rocks and slamming... But doesn't only certain rocks do that? If you rub two rocks on each other, you're not gonna get a sharp edge. It will be dull. Yeah, the beauty of the napping is that it breaks away leaving a...

You only need certain rocks for that. Yeah, but I think there's a lot of rocks that do that. Because that's how it's the first... We're rubbing the rock on the wall We just make smooth Just trying to push I like Okay, I'll say yeah, so I can pluck a bird like the feathers that seems easy yeah Fly fishing Yeah, what can I do with the feathers? fly fishing What do you mean fish with the feathers? Because you can make, you know when you go fly fishing

Yeah You make a little fly fish What are you using for twine? Nothing That's my price You throw away feathers You don't have any abroad I'm just wondering if I can use those feathers something whatever I do feather the bird put my feathers in a pocket

They'll come in handy later Yeah, you can maybe put them in like one of your socks to make a pillow. Or kill enough birds. Actually yeah, if you kill enough birds, like this one you didn't kill remember you actually poisoned it. Poisoned enough birds. Yeah, we still don't know if eating the poisoned bird, which is getting rotner and rotner every day. It's become Zammet's Wilson. Yeah.

A bird carcass. Bird carcass. Oh carcass. Bird skeleton, what am I to do? I'm gonna eat you one day bird skeleton. One day bird skeleton. We're sucking them bones and getting that marrow out. Yeah, or I wait for like a lightning storm and for a lightning

to hit a bit of tree then I go fire. Yeah, okay. But if it's a storm storm. I just really like the strategy of like Lightning to hit a bit of tree then I got fire. Yeah, okay Just really like the strategy of like it's just a waiting game I don't eat no don't drink but Yeah, I think you're in trouble on predator plot yeah, I think it's ended with your starvation. Yeah, I Think they were sailing together doctor by would be doctor who because I don't want to go anywhere I don't want him to he grabbed me says let's go Jackson I'm the new doctor and I speak like this and this isn't just a bad accent So we've just accident you've just joined me accidentally and defeated the Cybermen is that what what they were? Let me go, step inside my TARDIS and uh...

What did you just do? What the fuck? You cannot say that, dude. Dude, I can say that. It's actually totally fine, because that's the name of my vehicle. Doesn't... You've named it, right? Bro. The TARDIS. Bro.

Anyway, she seems fucked up to me. Also, that's just like a police box. No, it's bigger on the inside, mate. Check it out. I don't believe that. I don't believe that. Look, I'll just open this door, and have a sticky beak. I'm the 15th doctor.

Or 16th if the current one's 15. He's saying he's a doctor to me. I'm a doctor. He's saying he's the 16th or 15th doctor. He's saying to's a doctor to me. He's a doctor. He's saying he's the 16th or 15th doctor. He's saying to come into his... Yeah, I'd be mad at myself if I didn't have a look. I put my head in, I go, oh yeah, he was right.

Mom there eating some strawberries. Oh, I'm glad you've joined us. He's about to get murdered. I'm glad you've joined us. Huh? We're off to go see the salt are Say hey man, send me back to home. All right, we could go back home soon, but we just go No, I don't want to come with you the salt are is the I I end at war with the Ood, aren't they? What is going on?

What is an Ood? You're in space, mate. I have a couple of questions. What is an Ood? What's a Sultana? And why can't you take me home? I can't. OK, let's go reverse order here. All right, so I can take you home.

Yeah, fantastic. But this planet is in grave danger. So I'm just gonna show this one out Sorry, sorry quick question. I guess like all that little amendment. Is that my planet? No, it's the Why would you take me? I don't want any of this. It's a salt aren't they? Yeah, they're an alien race You know, you're not alone in the galaxy. I don't care bro. Who gives a shit back to my house I'm not taking you back until we deal with this Intergalactic sweat. Okay, you do the day. All right. What am I gonna do? I was about to watch days of my lives and now I'm here days of my lives

I'm fucking Oh, yeah, dude. I'm fucking 1500 years old man. I know days of your life. Oh days of my life I made it for me so I can go watch it right. Oh anyway, so salt. Sorry need a help Um, I don't know you'll get to meet them soon. I just let you do it. Yeah. Yeah, I mean fine We're gonna sit here if if you want you don't want want to see out of space. No! Not really, man. It's terrifying and scary, I don't want to do it, what's a saltarwin? I'm seconds away from dying, dude, at every second, okay? Not with me, mate, you're actually safe.

The TARDIS keeps you safe. Fucked up you keep calling it, right? That's the name of my shit, mate! Did you call it that, though? Uh, no, I don't think I did, actually. Oh, you should change in there. Okay, my police box. Is that better? That is bad, a little, no, I don't think I did actually. You should change in there. Okay, my police box. Is that better?

It is bad. Not a little bit, but at least. Well, it's the Chameleon Cir- I'm a doctor. The Chameleon Circuit, who are you? I don't know, dude. What the fuck? It's my friend, sorry.

You're a doctor. I'm getting a bit of a sore throat. Do you have anything like- Not that type of doctor, mate. Anyway, cheerio, I'm off a bit of a sore throat. Do you have anything like not that type of talk to me anyway cheerio I'm off to go fight the salt iron you guys just stand around here and jack off your dicks or whatever you want to do Go real sicker you should for a bit Fair enough not a medical dog. Yeah, you know he's a some other kind of doctor Fair enough. Not a medical doctor. Yeah, yeah, no. He's some other kind of doctor.

Doctor of philosophy, is he? I don't know. I guess. All right, I'm back. I promise I'll take you home. But this is a time traveling and space traveling machine. Oh, time traveling? Yeah, so.

So you could have taken me home the whole time. No, no, no. Because the Sultarans can wait. No, no, no. Because you can just come back to this point in time. No. Or even like yesterday. Not how it works.

Yeah, yeah. Not how it works. This is incredibly frustrating. Well, yeah, no. Because you could just come back to this point in time. No, no, no. Or even like yesterday. Not how it works. Not how it works. This is incredibly frustrating. Yeah, well, yeah, tell me about it. It's my whole fucking life, mate. Anyway, I could take you back to Earth, but unfortunately I've just got a call from, um... Yeah.

Who? From the... That is calling you, dude. Seems like you're lying now. Yeah, yeah. Called you on what, man? Yeah, dude. Do you have a phone what man dude give a phone

Why can I only remember salt Cybermen Daleks no, I don't bad guys. I just want a race The Rhino guys from the moon. That's the salt aren't no sultana's the guys with the big fat head. Oh, yeah Bo moto moto Yeah Hang on the face of Bo's giving me a call now in the Nonsense, he's a big head He used to be a man, but then he died and then came back to life

And that means that there's no he can't die anymore, but then he does die he doesn't wait Let's just get this let's just get this over with just like me to see the face of Your machine makes a horrible noise Can I just let you know yeah, I just think if I end up abducted by the doctor I'm gonna get involved in some fucking well. It sounds like no you're not because you refuse to leave the TARDIS. Yeah good. Yeah, take me back But even so I spent time on the TARDIS the doctor's gonna come here after like the sixth adventure be like hey man Just being this close to the time stream Or it'll be thing with it like the TARDIS goes away And then you're there in your you know your PJs dressing gown being like where am I now?

What the fuck my band and you yeah, cuz yeah, you're not Rosa whatever yeah Yeah, yeah, he's coming back though, right? Well. Who's the last? We're gonna go over here some aliens want this machine. I'm gonna go wipe my mind or whatever regular bumbling pool So you go work in this university? It's World War one You want to get back and I told you it was a time machine so I'm taking you back my got the time Oh, I was from 2024. Oh Fuck me. Sorry. I put in 2024 oh fuck me mate sorry I put in 19 I'm not gonna survive the trenches man

I put in 1918 so the war's about to end so that's alright I spent two days with a doctor they lobotomized me that's what happens He sent me back to not the doctor any doctor you know He cannot send me back to any time before Yeah dude Lobotomies where I am banned? Yeah dude Yes absolutely

I just don't want to get caught up in any of that Yeah dude. Lobotomies where I am banned. Yeah dude. Yes. Absolutely. I just don't want to get caught up in any of that. You know? History sick. Let's just think about all of the companions that I can think, remember from my once encyclopedic but now riddled with holes knowledge of Doctor Who since the, what's it called, New Who. When it returned. So you got Rose, she's fine.

She gets stuck in a different dimension. Oh that's fine! All my friends and family are in it somewhere else. I don't want to go to a different dimension. Well no, it's a way... Martha is fine. She marries Mickey, who is also fine. Jackie, Rose's mom, is also fine. Okay. She marries Mickey who is also fine. Okay. Jackie Rose's mom is also fine

Okay, Mickey Shooting a gun at one point like a big future gun at something. You know, he gets a job at unit So that's his choice. He's not like just drafted into stuff Okay, okay I remember a lot of doctors Donna Noble is uh Her brain's gonna explode But then she gets better?

Maybe I haven't seen those episodes Is it Dalek or some shit? Clara jumps into the doctor's time stream and then is split up Yeah I don't want that to happen She exists a lot I don't want that to happen. She exists a lot. I don't want that.

Ozwin or whatever. She's everywhere. Ozgood is everywhere all at once. Is that what you're saying? She exists throughout history? Clara becomes like the one of the most important figures in the Doctor's life because she jumps into his... I don't want that. ...time stream. That's her choice. Yeah.

Is it the, or is it like a little bit cool? You know, like if you're just close to the doctor, shit's gonna happen to you. Amy and Rory just die out of natural causes. But they have a time baby, don't they? Yeah. Yeah, see? Yeah, they have a time baby.

They have a time baby that the doctor then marries? Yeah. That's pretty much it. Who then dies in a library. Yeah. I was your, I was, I was your bro. We hung out together and you're marrying my daughter? Yeah. That's weird.

Yeah, but I met her when she was old. Don't care. That feels like a bad excuse in your TARDIS. Just saying. Just saying. As I'm getting off the TARDIS, I'm like, hey, man, is my sperm going to be OK from all this? No.

You're the cum time. I was really hoping you were gonna have a different answer. I was really hoping too. What do you mean by cumming time? Well right so when you have a baby she's gonna be of or E or whatever really. They're gonna be off? Time Lord, which is what I am which means when they die They will get a new face and a new personality like how I said I was a 15th or 16th. I remember Yeah, the same will happen to them. Just let you know you've wrecked my life. So I know I've enriched it I feel like what were you doing before you saw this? That's not I feel like what we were doing before you saw the stars shit, dude That's not taking a shit

Not better than seeing the stars. I had a sandwich. I was gonna make all right that could be better Yeah, what was on the sandwich? It's gonna be ham Somewhere that love you don't have a no no yeah, Gallifrey no ham on Gallup. Yeah, well, I'm from somewhere that loves- You don't have hams? Yeah, no, no, uh, yeah. Gallifrey, no ham on Gallifrey. Yeah, well I love ham. Okay, well that's great. Maybe I'm bonding with this doctor. Well, she's gonna be in the sandwich. Pickles probably.

Oh yeah, classic combo. Yeah, maybe like a pesto on the bread. Mayonnaise. Pesto on mayonnaise? Yeah, it's like a deli sandwich. Yeah, a bit of cheese, Monterey Jack What pesto are we talking here, mate? Like a green pesto

A green, or basil pesto Basil pesto, yeah Yeah, maybe some slices, a fiddly slice of tomato Yeah, alright, that sandwich is better than anything you could have seen with me I'm so sorry That's what I was thinking I'm so sorry, mate, so sorry mate. You are back in 1918 at a university at the end of World War one. This is gonna go really bad for me. Yeah

Like Jackson time for your physical. I'm like, oh man I know what's coming And just a reminder if you fail your physical they will shoot you with a gun Yeah Failure physical they will shoot you with a gun. Yeah Queen yeah 18 Well, the king will kill not what he won't kill you anyway, good luck Well, he wanted to be dropped back over here I did Well, he wanted to be dropped back over here. I did.

You did say home. I've come to terms with it. You didn't specify year. You could excel during the Great Depression. I don't think that's true. I think I would excel riding the rails, yeah. Yeah. I think I could become a local sort of personality.

Okay, no one. Okay. He did become a local personality. That's what this is. Yeah. No, but in the hobo times, I'm riding the rails, telling stories. Marking houses. Marking houses, exactly. Coming up with my own hobo code.

Yeah. Nobody knows yet. I guess you could- This just looks like a shit with stink lines coming off it. Yeah, cause it's a stinky house! And they shit here! Yeah! Don't they shit in every house? Yeah, that's why there's one!

Yeah, that's why I play with it on every house! Everyone's gotta shit because everyone's shitting in the- Yes! Yes! Yes is the answer! You're like, God, this code's- You know what I understand is my code- It's common sense!

It's your code, it's just that! Yes! What else do you need to know? Because that's like, I don't even understand what people are getting confused about. And then out of nowhere, ooooh! Jackson, mate, it's been ages! Yo, I need you back on the TARDIS! Who the hell is this guy?

It's me! Your best friend, the doctor! Your best friend. It's your best friend! What happened to you, man? That's why I need your help! Oh, I've been attacked by the tongue-tying Twizzlers! That sounds like straight up nonsense, man. From the planet Twizz and they're going to Earth and they're gonna kill you!

Yeah, okay, man. I'm just gonna keep mocking houses. I got a job here, alright? You don't understand! Alright, well maybe I'll just go see what, um... You do whatever you need to do do don't tell me about it No, no, no, no go away Well things went okay for me I mean you're stuck in 1918 yeah, yeah, no actually slightly ladies survive the end of the war then you There my fortune sort of fell on you.

Your fortune. Well actually to be honest the war and the Great Depression is probably a perfect time for you to jump back there because you're going to have no documents. Yeah that's true. But it won't really matter. I can say I'm a stolen valor I'm a soldier coming home. I think that you would have documents that way. Oh no.

What do I say then? You don't say anything. I lost them. You have to get it. I'll paint your house today for a hamburger on Tuesday. I model myself off the wimpy from Popeye comics. Yeah. I'll gladly pay you on Tuesday for a hamburger today

We remember wimpy from Popeye comics, yeah, and then this poppy poppy does Popeye then punch him in the head Oh, yeah, he's friends with wimpy. Oh, that's right. Yeah, he likes wimpy. I was getting wimpy and blue Yeah, he punched blue in the head all the time But Pluto keeps showing up Yeah, he wants he picks olive oil up. Yeah, he wants it all for himself. Yeah, that's sad. Yeah, alright, I whiffed it, that's okay.

I think the worst aliens you get abducted by, and it's solely an annoyance factor, and also I would be so really scared because I wouldn't know what they want from me, and they wouldn't really be able to communicate what they want from me. I'm confused, they're confused, we're all just in a ship together I don't know where it's going I don't know if it's real and that's the aliens from Toy Story The Claws! MAAAAS! Yeah what's crazy is-

What are you saying to me? The Claws! MAAAS! What's crazy is that like you got to come to terms with so many different things Yeah You gotta come to- you've been abducted by aliens How big is their ship? It's gonna be huge- well It's actually probably not very big

Trapped in the hole ships because they're tiny but you also you have to come to terms with their toys that are alive Well, you don't know that their toys. They'd look your ship, right? Yeah, you're like like think of like Gulliver's travels Yeah, okay lying down. I'm always thinking of Gulliver's Travels Yeah, you know you can't sit up. Thank God Jack Blass is a black sauce Was Becker in a Gulliver's Travels John Becker famous piece of shit doctor There's a Ted Danza Gulliver's Travels Well when I think of Gulliver's Travels, I'm gonna be honest with you what happens Yeah, my brain thinks of John Goodman because I'm actually thinking of the borrower Oh, I see. Yeah, see then I'm thinking of while things were thinking of Gulliver's Travels, and I'm thinking of those horsemen

I'm thinking of Godless Travelers and I'm thinking of those horsemen. Those yahoos. The yahoos in the hooyoms. What do you reckon the aliens from Toy Story would want with you? Well that's the problem. I feel like they might just abduct me for something as simple as reach the top shelf, but they wouldn't really be able to communicate that with me. Because they'd be like, ohhhhh the shelf. You'd be in the hole. be like oh you'd be lying down

you can't get up yeah surrounding you so you can kind of and they walk they don't have legs but also so obviously abducted by aliens makes you imagine a ship but these aren't aliens with space travel technology so you're actually just in like a child's bedroom or something daddy's terrible Yeah, real bad for you. You say the alien thoughts for me here brother. You're going We're gonna push for them to bring back the chair You know what grace was And you go feral on the cops. There was aliens! Sounds like we got a tougher grace for predators situation. Officially it's listed as suicide by cops.

But also, where are those aliens? They're in a claw machine. They could take you in the claw machine. Are you one of those guys who gets stuck in the claw machine? They'll be like, don't worry, I'll get you out. And they'll just try to get you out with the claw. And you're telling me that's not going to work. I'm going gonna keep out. I'm gonna just keep putting money in the claw machine. If I get stuck in a claw machine I'm simply breaking the glass. It would be so satisfying to grab the top of your head with a claw machine. Question for the alien

So well presumably you're unconscious when they abduct you. Yeah, then you're conscious when you wake up, right? Yeah. They're toys. Yeah. That's true. They have an innate ability to stop existing when you are around observing them. Yeah, actually that's bad. They're flying. Then you are in the child's bedroom, surrounded by these little toys, head in a ship. Hahaha. What is... You stand up, your head is in a Millennium Falcon.

Well, well, well. Take it off all these things full, you're in a child's bedroom. Did a child abduct me? What? What? What crazy circumstances old Joel got himself into today. I gotta leave outside a window, hopefully this isn't the second story. I gotta get out of here quick smart. What a legacy to leave. Okay, I jumped out the window

turns out it's a fourth story. It was swan dive time. And then everyone's like he was found dead jumping out of a window. Yeah, Charles was tied up with a Millennium Falcon on his head. What could this be but some kind of sexual perversion? We can't hold a funeral because we can't decide whether or not he was the victim or if he deserved everything that he got. How did he get up there to the fourth floor? Did he tie himself up? Why was his head in the Millennium Falcon?

He probably didn't do that to himself, but maybe. Was he confused? There's no connection with this kid and that man. Like how do you explain it? Like you wake up, you stand up, parents open the door, like, oh, take the kid to bed. You're in there. I guess you wouldn't see you get the Millennium Falcon in your head. Hello? They scream. You'd scream, you'd that's great yeah I've been abducted you've been adopted yes

yeah can you hell or no because you might think if you're tied up as well yeah they're adopting yeah yeah I think that you might be of course you think you might have been killed motherfuckers why'd you get that I'll that you might be of course you think you might have been kidding motherfuckers why'd you kidnap me? I'll kill you, god time you sons of bitches and they'd be like what the fuck I don't know what that becomes cause like presumably it would be aggressive both ways yeah but then eventually

out of my child's bedroom why'd you tie me up? we didn't tie you up so this is the first we've ever seen you get me out of here well someone's kidnapped me! I guess the police are called. Yeah. Then what?

Then you get both versions of events. Then they're gonna be like some- well clearly- And my version of events is I went to bed and then woke up tied up. Well, cause then they're gonna- And I got an alibi, I'm like, no! But you kind of tied yourself up. Yeah, you couldn't have tied yourself up. They would've looked at this.

Couldn't they? Hmm. Don't say that. Are you impulsive? You were embarrassing yourself. Wait. As your lawyer, I really suggest you don't say that. Can we get that stricken from the record? I'd really like it to be stricken from the record.

I didn't tie myself up, but I could. Dude, stop bragging. Stop bragging. It wouldn't be hard. I'm awesome at tying nuts. I could tie myself up but I could Dude stop bragging What are you doing? I'm awesome at tying knots What are you doing? Why would you do this? I just wanted on the record that I'm good at tying knots I just know what I'm doing okay

Can I have a moment alone with my client Dude did you do this yourself? You got it to your heart's content No but I could have It's making me your I am your turn. Okay I need to defend you to the best of my ability. Yeah, I need to be honest with me Yeah, did you tie yourself up? No, but I could uh, I could have done it with my hands behind my back Which incidentally is the exact position I was tied up in

Really makes you think yeah Yeah, I know. About how awesome it would have been if I did do it, but I didn't do it. Okay, alright, let's play a little hypothetical, Mr. Dusha. Yeah. Alright, say you tied yourself up. Yeah. Why did you then end up in a child's bedroom? What do you mean?

I don't know. I didn't tie myself up. But I could've. I didn't tie myself up. Wink. Uh huh. So after you've tied yourself up. But I could've. I didn't tie myself up. Wink? So after you've tied yourself up, you didn't kidnap yourself, put yourself into a child's bedroom, but you could've? Yeah. But he did. Yeah, but you didn't. He didn't, but he could've. Wink? Yeah, I could've done it real easy. Real easy? You say, okay, if you were to do it, how would you have done

it? Well, I would have just, I mean, I'm an adult man. Yeah, fair enough. Opening doors isn't hard. So you tied yourself in the child's bedroom? No. But if you were to do this, you would have. Yeah, that's how you would have done it.

But I wouldn't do that because I'm not a pervert. Do the OJ defense. Yeah. Sounds like, look, I'm looking. My glove doesn't fit, baby. Get in the chair and you you're like this is crazy Why is this happening? I didn't do it, but I could have Like as your attorney look I'm gonna let you know the glove fits yeah

You really got to be honest with me. Yeah, so you did this why I didn't at all no okay? So you couldn't have done this no well. I could have done it. I absolutely could have done it I wanted on the record actually are your honor. I could have done this. I absolutely could have done it. I wanted on the record actually. Oh your honor I could have done this but I didn't write that down Cut to the courtroom. Yeah, I Backed forth with the I think he's gonna lose the case. I think he's gonna lose the case and the aliens go what they wanted What did they get? What if you plead guilty? Maybe you get out lesser sense, but I'm innocent. Okay Yeah, my client'm innocent. Okay. Yeah.

My client is innocent. He didn't do this at all. But I could have done it if I wanted. Because I'm really good at tying knots. I just think it's very important that the jury knows that. Watch! We're going to replicate little boy's room. Yeah, yeah.

Here I am, opening a door as an adult man. Easy to do. Easy to do. Anyone could break into a child's bedroom. Exactly. Yes, your honor, I understand it's very easy, but how could he have tied those knots if he had a Millennium Falcon on his head? With my eyes? That's just saying, not with my eyes closed. That's easy. You ever done your shoes done up? Done your shoes up with your eyes closed? Not hard! I'm an adult! I could have done it! Give me that money, Falcon! Look! Look! There we go! See? I'm tied up!

I didn't do it! I think you did it! I didn't! You'd be wrong! I think even if I knew the truth in this court case, I'd be like, I think he might have done it! I think he did it! I'd just like to think the aliens that this was their plan. They're like, we're gonna get you all to the chair.

They just... They just want to get you the chair or something off the high shelf. Either way, it's a win for the delayed. They're happy, we're gonna get Joel Douche the chair. They just wanna get you the chair or something off the high shelf. Either way, it's a wind-footed elation. They're happy either way. It's true. I guess out of all of the aliens we picked, Joel Zama, dead. I think I'm dead without the aliens, guys. Like, three bad days in a row without just a road. Yeah, aliens abduct you, but on the process of pulling you up on the tractor beam when you're about five feet

Yeah, ground they just like they slip and you fall out like a bird goes through the tractor Then you land in a forest you're like well, I better survive And the aliens are like I I thought I knew what a human looked like I I better survive and the aliens are like I I thought I knew what a human look like I just ain't only probed the bird I've learned the nothing I meant to say cloaca but I said said coxic, like the tailbone. Yeah yeah yeah. Cox yeah yeah.

But I think I also slurred those two words together. Coxic? Coxic? Causic! Causic! Galizno, keep flying the ship. This ain't your area of expertise. Yeah Galizno, let's go home, I'm hungry, I want a space burger.

We abducted a bird. I'm hungry. I want a space but we abducted a bird. I'm embarrassed Dr. Bird took us far too long to realize that bird is being broke I mean, we fucking made a met we made a dog's breakfast of that good I'm gonna go tell fucking head office what we did. I'm not looking forward to it I was gonna send that back to child Joel's emmett in the forest watches a bird Confusingly flying it out of the sky Eat a berry maybe on purpose die. Yeah, it was the same bird The probed bird That bird just just fall from the sky a berry

That bird's anus looks crazy I don't know if I should eat this bird. No matter what. Do I wash a bit? And then Doctor Who drops you off in World War I. And I have a wonderful life. Until I'm lobotomized. And I end up... Get the chair. I either get the chair or a terrible list to be on.

Wings all round. Yeah, we did it. Plumby the Sustay work. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. Yeah Wings all round Yeah, we did it And on that note, I've been Joel I've been Jackson It's good to do a podcast It is It's a real blast

Let me know British listeners, my Doctor Who accent Would you cast me? Should I be the next Doctor? I think so You got a high odds? I'm Doctor Who. You alright mate? It's me the doctor. It's almost like Mr. This is Dalfire. Hello! It's me the doctor. I'm a doctor he. I'm just doing this to see my kids again. I just got to see my kids when they loved me. And they're getting it out of these kids HELLO It's good to do It's really good to do Anyway, goodbye!

See ya! Wheels are crazy, really Like, look at what a wheel can do, dude Wheels Wheels are crazy Wheels are crazy We don't talk about it enough, but wheels are nuts. Yeah, no man.

Imagine the first guy, or whoever, that invented a wheel. Just like have a wheel of that. I fell apart too. Oh, it's a lot heavier than I... Isn't it good to wheel? It's good to wheel. It is good to wheel. We don't talk about wheels of that.

Jack, you're crazy. Wheels like you can do so much with a wheel, dude. Yeah, dude. Wheels are fucking nuts. It's crazy. Yeah. I'll wheel that on back to you. I'll wheel that back to you.

Thank you. We can't be trusted with a wheel. Yeah, yeah. You can be holder of the wheel. You can be in charge. We're gonna play with it. You're in charge of the wheel. You're Wheel Boy.

Okay. Now introduce the show, Wheel Boy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.