Plumbing the Death Star - Which Animal Mash-Up Would Make the Best Movie Monster?

Episode Date: January 27, 2019

Where we ask the hard hitting question like Which Animal Mash-Up Would Make the Best Movie Monster?Sign up to our newsletter here; http://eepurl.com/cM3in9Join our facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Watch us stream here; https://www.twitch.tv/sanspantsradioYou can now physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073Theme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website https://bennydavismusic.com or check out his YouTube https://youtube.com/bennythejukeboxWant to help support the show?Sanspants+: https://sanspantsplus.comPodkeep: https://sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: https://audiobooksontape.comMerch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: https://twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: http://www.sanspantsradio.comFacebook: https://facebook.com/SanspantsRadioReddit: https://reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: https://twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: https://twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: https://twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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So head to twitch.tv slash sanspantsradio this Friday and watch as I fail to take over an alternate history Europe. Hey everyone, welcome to today's episode. I'm filming the Death Star. Where we ask the important questions like which animal mashup would make the best movie monster okay so we're talking like a sort of like a sharktopus type of thing.

Yeah, octocano or whatever. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. All right. Can I go first? Yes. Horsequake. Horsequake.

So initially I was going to mash up animals, but you just reminded me then that natural disasters are an option. They're not. So an earthquake. Half horse, half earthquake. All right. Imagine an earthquake, but the cracks in the earth open up and what pours forth from the bowels of this here planet but plethora of horse horse upon horse upon horse a sea of horse coming out of so i think for me as best if i set my disaster horror my horror

disaster movie maybe in a city yep uh let's go la why not LA, earthquake comes in and destroys the city, LA I'm fairly sure is built on a fault line anyway so that works, maybe that's sand free, anyway it's happened, and then out of the bowels of the earth crawl forth horses how big are they? normal horse size?

normal horse size, here is my concern number one, normal horses aren't that scary? Well, a lot of them are. That's a stampede. Yeah. So check yourself. No, so... I'm so sorry.

I need to check my stampede privilege. What I'm thinking of is it's hard for a horse to get over a ledge. The ground opens up and the horse is just like... Wait. But horses can jump Yeah, if they get a run up Yeah, but they can't jump directly vertically When was the last time you saw a horse hop?

Can a horse climb? Because if horses can't climb But maybe that works in my favour Because that means all of the horses are panicked The thing is though With a horse quake So the horse at the front Or the top of the line

They're going to try and be scrambling But then they're going to be pushed up by more horse That's true it's kind of like a geyser of horse Except it could just be corpse of horse Well it will be at the beginning There will be a lot of Dead horses Absolutely there's dead horses

But after that There's a stampede A never ending stampede Maybe a lot of dead horses. A lot of dead horses. Absolutely, there's dead horses, Dusha. But after that, there's a stampede, a never-ending stampede. Until the fault line's glued. I know if it was worse, either a horse quake or a vol horse no. A horse kano, surely. No, well, it's a horse quake, but sometimes in an earthquake, there is magma. But let's replace that magma with horse

do we think say you had a street full of people in cars and you just sent a river effectively of horse down that street what would happen to the cars and the people what's going to give out the people mashed just turned into

a paste that's great we're driving away I'm like Tush, what's the state? And you're like, the people are mashed. They've been mashed, Jackson. Mashed to death. So the people are mashed. Cars, mashed? Cars?

Probably, definitely crushed. Probably still recognizable as cars, though. But the people are not. What is the... And this will probably probably good to figure out for all of our monsters what's the end game scenario here is it a sea of horse well i guess the end game here for the heart like because most of these movies end with the big thing gonna break a important thing so whether it be like a building full of civilians or like an entire city there's

an escalation to a point and then the hero has to do something to stop it but how do you stop a horse cane well let's say that the horses what everyone's scared about is that the horses will reach the hollywood it's very simple how you stop uh a horse quake is a lot of cowboys that's you need a cowboy cano Horse quake vs cowboy Kano It's great to imagine going to like a No matter who wins, yeehaw This is it, like a volcano erupts And a bunch of cowboys come on out

Yeehaw Wait, but are the cowboys on foot? Because they will too need to be on horses To round up the horses. But I guess it's not really a problem if the cowboys are on horses because the horses aren't necessarily evil. They're just spooked kind of forever. Well, I figured that, yes, like the first wave,

they'll have to catch the horses. And then once they kind of get one horse, they can round up several more horses. That's true. It's great to imagine going to, I don't know where do cowboys hang out? Going to an old Hollywood lot and being like, your time has come. Or they hear that yee-haw as the earth

splits and they're like, or they hear, not the yee-haw, the whinny as the earth splits and they're like, it's time. And then they go and they round up the horse it's a lot of horses it's quite a lot of horses controversial opinion maybe cowboys in bulldozers

do we think a bulldozer ridden by a cowboy so they know their stuff is that going to be enough to cut a bloody swathe through the never ending torrent of horse well the problem with say a horsequake is the... How do you stop it? Yeah, the aftershocks.

Like, it'll stop itself, but there's going to be, like, wave upon wave of, like, well, you think everything's calm, then there's more horse. Yeah, it's going to sound like this. This is the sound of the horsequake. Those are the after horse quakes I got it We were all there Just a couple of horses coming out

But you know You've already destabilised the fault lines That means there'll be more horse quakes in the future Of course But when there's a big old horse quake That kind of like comes through a building There's just going to be horses appearing in buildings Oh yeah absolutely

They'll be pouring into people's lounge rooms Into offices Mashing everyone inside It just going to be horses appearing in buildings. Oh, yeah, absolutely. They'll be pouring into people's lounge rooms, into offices. Mashing everyone inside. It's going to be a mash fest. Oh, imagine a car that's been parked on the road and then a lot of horses just upturned. Collecting it and just the car disappearing into the horse mass. Imagine the four of us. The four of us.

The three of us and a horse. But that's our horse. Or in a car. The four of us. The three of us and a horse. Yeah. But that's our horse. Yeah. Or in a car. We love this horse. We're in a car. But imagine, so you don't think a horse is scary, right?

But imagine being in a car that a horse wants to get into at all costs. That's fucking terrifying. Slamming its body in, kicking the doors. I like the idea that you're not only imagining a horse quake. It's not random horses, but it's horses that want to kill us and get in our cars. It's not horses that want to kill us, it's horses that really want to drive. They just want to get in our houses.

It's horses that don't want to kill us, they want to replace us. I knew this was coming. I'm in this movie, but I'm like, you know the scientist in every natural disaster movie where I'm like, I've looked at the figures. I've looked at the statistics. A horse quake is coming. We need to change our policy.

Don't be crazy, Jackson. There's no horse quake. Wow. God damn it. I knew this was coming. And then the horse quake ravages the town until we gather up cowboys and bulldozers. I just think there'd be something immensely satisfying about it. Imagine like a river of horse.

Yeah, I agree. But then watching that bulldozer cut like a red line through them is just so good. See, the problem is, though, what we're doing here is that we're kind of introducing quite so much the cane toe to get rid of the cane beetle. What we're doing here is we're having one natural disaster fight another natural disaster. Because evidently, the cowboys on bulldozers that are spewing forth from a volcano will, of course, mop up them horses. Cow-dozer-cano. But now with the cow-dozer-cano, we now have the cowdozercano problem of a lot of cowdozers.

That's like cut to the scene before a horse is trying to get into the car, but it's a cowboy trying to jimmy the lock. Snipenator. Snipenator? Yep. It is a tornado full of snipers to take out the cowboys driving bulldozers. I just don't feel like snipers are the natural

enemy of a cowboy. Cowboys don't see bullets coming from that far away. The natural enemy of the cowboy is change. Yeah. You know, an evolving America. Or a family. That's what kills the cowboy. Or a family, they settle down. Yeah, so it's a tornado full of families

being like, you've been an outlaw long enough! Famnator. Please! And all the cowboys are like, it's time to give up the lifestyle, and they all walk into the tornado. But then, we've got too many families. Oh no, they've got to settle somewhere. Okay, so what is a natural enemy of

family? Divorce! How does it say divorce? It's a divorce- No, a mistress! It's a title mistress, or a mistress wave. That'll come crashing down on the families, tearing them apart from the inside out,

and then eventually leaving. Okay, so what's the natural enemy of a mistress? A wedding ring, because now they become the new family. Oh, well, that's just a cycle. We can deal with that, right? Because then you just get new families they become the new family. Oh, well, that's just a cycle. We can deal with that, right? Because then you just get new families and then a new famnator. And then they get sucked up into the sky and then they prepare for the next famnator.

So the famnator goes there, then they're in the ocean, and that becomes a... I'm very scared that we're going to keep trying to find the natural enemy of, say, the mistress. One day it's just going to be horse again. What's the natural enemy of the mistress oh no horse quake a whole bunch of horses killing mistresses are too look they they don't look they're not fan of horses they keep getting mashed yeah then we get a mistress mash but at least we're back to a manageable horse quake.

Thank goodness. We just need to wait for this cow-dozenate, cano to go off, and then we're sweet. We're back to the beginning, baby, and that's how life's got to be. Hey, that's how it be. That's Hollywood, baby. That's showbiz.

It's all horse quakes and mistress waves. That's what we do. And famnados. So a scary movie only in that it's turned the city that you live in into something far more terrible than it ever was. I mean, it is just a mess. Yeah. Corpses as far as the eye can see and lots of happy families.

But, like, 18 lots of happy families. So, I... Like, 1850s American families. Yeah, lots of ranches. Lots of ranches getting built in the Hollywood Hills. Damn, ever since that famnado came through, all of these eight turn-of-the-century ranches. They're really a pass.

But, you know what the ranches will need? Horses. Yes. And you know what we've the ranches will need Horses Yes And you know what we've got in droves Horses Ain't been a horse quake in this area for a while Our horse reservoirs are running dry Man LA's weird these days Yeah

Are we judging this out of scariness Or horror Or Well all of these movies scariness horror and survivability all right how about we go horror survivability plausibility yeah all right okay so horror uh parts of it are pretty horrible you're seeing people getting mashed to death there's a lot of dead horses. A horse trying to get in your... And a lot of married cowboys. And I guess if you fear change in the old... And you kind of miss the old west.

If you are a cowboy who is worried that your rebel life will be eventually taken away from you, and that the changing landscape of the American West might rob you of purpose, then that's pretty scary. That's pretty scary. For horror, it's probably like a 3.5 to a 4. Yeah.

Look forward to 5. Survivability. Is 5 you die or 0 you die? 5 you die. 5 you die. 5. 5, yeah. There's no way any of us, being that none of us are cowboys, could survive a horse quake.

Oh, wait. I could be a mistress, though. Oh, that's true. We could all be mistresses in the mistress wave. But I have to assume, no, for the sake of it... No, because you live in the town. We live in our land. We suffer through the mistress wave and the famnado.

That's a natural disaster. It can't be... I can't be a volcano. I'm a man. You are a man. That's true, man. You're not a cowboy. You're just a human guy.

You're not a mancano. And the last one? Plausibility. Plausibility. Zero? You are a man. That's true, man. You're not a cowboy. You're just a human guy. You're not a man, Kano. And the last one? Plausibility. Plausibility. Zero? Five. Any day now. I see.

I'm the skeptic. I'm the scientist. You fool. Look at the numbers. There is no way that this... If you look at the Richter scale, it spells out nay. January 13th, 1985, Yellowstone. A horse quake nearly destroyed the entire national forest.

It's coming, I tell you. People got mashed! Mashed! All right, so I guess five out of five. We need to build a cow dozer cano. Thank God I was building a miniature one in my laboratory. I knew those bigwigs in Washington wouldn't listen to me. Anyway, so what's my final score?

15? No, 10. Oh, 14, that's right. Yeah, that's a good strong start. I'm going to go go next so i'm sticking with my original plan i thought about changing it but then uh my change then got incorporated to yours okay um because i was gonna breed mine with a volcano because again i forgot natural disaster off the table but i'm gonna stick my original plan okay duck and worm okay making a Worm. Okay. Making a derm. The size of which?

Okay, size of the duck. Okay. Shape of a worm. Okay. Front half is normal worm. Back half, duck penis. Oh, no. Oh, no.

That's just a worm with a corkscrew bomb. That's all that looks like. I don't know that that's a worm and a duck. I just think that's a wrong worm. But it's big. It's the size of a duck. That's a thirsty worm. I hate that I have to ask this question, but here we are. What happens to a duck's penis when it gets erect?

I don't know. Is that a floppy front worm and a turgid back worm? Yeah yeah yeah Because when it gets erect that's when it all like pokes out Okay so it just looks like a worm with a pig's tail And occasionally it's like I would think it was a stinger Yeah

And that would be so scary What about the female derms? Yeah what do the female derms look like? Do they have a duck vagina? Do they have a maze vagina in the worm front i'm like hey it's a it's a weird worm with a cockscrew tail and half a worm that's gone and then i see the worms face each other backwards and i'm like i don't know what's about to happen and then they're fucking and it looks like a full worm like a regular worm with two heads because half of one worm is in the first

worm yeah that's exactly what happened this has ruined my day this has destroyed my life ruined my day i feel like i have to draw this so my i imagine that they roll into town, because it would have to be like a plague of them, because obviously one, you could just hit with a shovel. Yeah, and it wouldn't be appropriate. Fair enough. But it rolls in, and yeah, it looks like a two-headed worm, but then they detach, and you realize that they were fucking as they rolled into town. What is their threat

to me? I mean, I hate looking at them. That's pretty bad already. They're driving your property values down, because everyone hates looking at them. Damn it pretty bad already. They're driving your property values down because everyone hates looking at them. Damn it! They also quack like a duck. Why? Do they have a bill?

With one mouth! Do they have a duck bill? No, no, just out of their worm mouth. Okay, so they're driving property values down. It's a bit like Tremors, but worse. All right, Joel Dush is worse. Tremors. Okay.

You arrive in town. Do you? Is that kind of what you're imagining them looking like? Yep. Yep. Just a worm with a cork tail. A worm with a tail. I love the two-headed worm, though.

Like, when they're fucking. There's, like, one big worm. And that's how I imagine them rolling into town so you think they're just big worms do they roll on their side? when they're connected? or do they wiggle? they worm like a worm do they appear from any one location?

maybe out of a creek it's not like it's not like oh we blew up the mine to an old cavern full of them or oh no this underground lake no it was just like oh we blew up the mine to an old cavern full of them or oh no this underground lake no it was just like you know that creek that's full of these fucking germs maybe

I don't know a science experiment went wrong and they and how I'm combining the genetics I've been trying so hard to combine the genetics you know what they've been trying to cross breed the ducks and worms so that the ducks inherit the ability of worms

of eating dirt and shitting out clean dirt except it's polluted water. It's like, hey, we'll use the ducks as a filter for our creek. Goes horribly wrong. The worms have duck penises. Does that mean there's a group of ducks with worm penises somewhere? Just instead of a head. Oh man, a duck with a worm

for a head is pretty good too. I gotta draw that now. We got worms and dirt. Woks. Woks. Derms and woks. So, you roll into town.

Do you know this is coming? Are you like, those fools. Their science has gone too far. They shouldn't have tried to play God. Purify the water with just don't litter. Wait, so is it a worm's back half or also a worm's front half? Or is it like imagining where the duck neck is but then the worm head is? Yeah, that's basically it.

Is it the size in comparison of the duck or is it also little? So it just looks like... Wait, hang on. Zammett's asking if it's the regular size of a duck body but then the same size as a worm but its head. So it would have a tiny head. Does it look like this?

Yeah. Except I was imagining not as much worm. but its head. So it would have a tiny head. Does it look like this? Except I was imagining not as much worm. So short a neck. It's in proportions. Dark, yes. I was imagining a little worm head just poking out. I'll draw all of them. I need to get these

visions onto the page. Because they are haunting. All right, well, what are you going to do about it? So like with the horse quake, you've got to figure out the end goal. Well, I feel like the first thing we're going to do is I'm going to give everyone shovels. And we're going to try and cut them in half. But then we're going to remember that worms can survive like that. Oh, that's true.

That's a misconception. They can't. You're just castrating a lot of worms. You just... Were you imagining it like this one? I don't know if you're

killing a worm. Like, it might bleed out, but you're not... You're just maiming... Oh, maybe it's the duck blood in it. You're just castrating... Oh!

You're killing a whole bunch of... You're... Yeah, castrating a whole bunch of worms. Before you go on there, here's a word from our sponsor. Also, a reminder that this Melbourne International Comedy Festival, we're doing a hideous game show called Big Deal,

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Okay, so at what... Their weakness is to cut off their dicks. I thought that was their weird tale. No! It's their dicks. That's great because

now you're not like the scientist who is aware of what's coming. You're more like the crazy old man that it happened to back in the 40s. Yeah. You're like, it's happening again. I'm like that guy in Jaws.

Yeah, exactly. Because I would just assume it was their tail and I would hate the old man yelling that, No! It's their dick! You're sitting in those half-derms. That's because it's their puss. It's inside one right now. And then you'd pick it up and you'd separate it forcefully and then i would vomit into the cream there's like just like a bit of mucus like a strand

this this is their fuck juice oh man i hate you just say it's that tail. No, don't be a coward. It's a cock. Look at it. Call it a cock. Is it on a rock? Why? Why does it matter, old man? Okay, so we've castrated a bunch of worms. And they can't reproduce and they die out. And life goes back

to an unpleasant normal in the town. Imagine above, like, I work at, like, a gun shop. Which is funny, because I've given everyone shovels and not guns. Guns won't work. They're too little. You've got to shoot them in the dicks.

He's shooting a worm in his cock. But I also like that then I've got, like, a photo above my gun shop counter of me and a derm. I'm holding it above my head. That's great. So no one forgets.

Like a fishing photo. Holding it by the penis. Could you eat him? No. You shouldn't. I mean, you could, but you shouldn't. Nothing's stopping you. I mean, you can fucking eat raw sewage as well. I mean, it's possible, but you shouldn't. Nothing's stopping you. I mean, you can fucking eat raw sewage as well.

I mean, it's possible, but you shouldn't. Like, I mean, because you could do, like, a Peking duck with the wuck. Yeah, I guess. And it tastes like dirt. Or would it taste like... I guess because they both have a diet of the... Imagine if... Imagine if the derm does still taste like duck and people eat it,

but it has the outside consistency of a worm. Like chewing on a brain. I hate Joel Dush's no-legged freaks. All right. Or duck-penised freaks, depending. Horror. Five. Almost to six.

I hate this. I hate it a lot. Five. Almost to six. I hate this. I hate it a lot. Okay. Survivability. Well, you survive. So technically it's like a one. But are you the same? The Jackson I am now would not survive.

I'm a far different Jackson at the end of all this. I'd say a two. So we've got a six out of five and a two out of five. All right. And plausibility, five. How about zero again? It's coming.

It's coming. I need to be refined. That water. Buy a shovel. Prepare for derms. That's all I'm saying. You know what's cheap? Ducks and worms.

It's because derm, I'm imagining like Bruce Dern's last name but with an M, but it would actually be D-U. No, it would be D-O. I'd be like, look at all these Derms. I'd be like, they're Dorms. Or Derms.

Maybe, depending. Alright. Dorms. Dorms. The creek's full of Dorms. No, they're Derms because it's ducking weird. Yeah, you're right. It is derm. All right.

13 as a total score. That's super. Memorable. Memorable. Sure is. All right. Well, I don't know if I could. So I was thinking, well, what don't you want in a lot of creatures?

Okay. Slippy. You don't want them slippy. That's true. We learned that in my creature. Yeah. Because you don't want them wriggling around and so i was thinking well oh i just wanted to clarify and i'm sure you guys are already there but the derms would be wet yeah because they're from the creek yeah we know uh yeah absolutely like you try to grab one in your hand it would slip out like those tubes that you yeah anyway just just checking yeah because that's

why they came from the creek because they're wet yeah i know it's disgusting a lot of mud i imagine them borrowing as well and I hate it. Yeah, they absolutely do burrow. Oof. And so I was thinking- To fuck their mate. Like leeches? Yep.

Because again, they're bad, they're slippy, and again, they suck a lot of blood. And I was thinking, well, what would be worse with them? And I'm thinking maybe locusts. Okay, so- So leechists. Flying. Flying leeches. Flying leeches. Flying leeches. Flying leeches.

Have, question, you just reinvented the mosquito. It's just a wet mosquito. Yes, a wet mosquito that also eats crops. Okay. Or people like a locust eating a crop. I guess a worse mosquito. Okay, so you're imagining a swarm of these mosquitoes.

They pass through someone and like piranhas. I don't know where I got mosquitoes from. They pass through someone and like a piranha consume all the blood out their body and pop out the other side. What does a person look like with no blood? Saggy.

Thin. I lost all this blood weight. Am I dead? Unwell. Am I dead or just saggy now? Definitely dead. You can't. Oh, hey, you might be cured of some ailments, though.

There could be a brief moment where you feel all right. This isn't too bad. Oh, wait. This is hideous. Okay, so are you getting a city or a small town? Where is getting attacked by the... I would say it's a small town first. It'd be this kind of thing where it's like,

oh, they got a locust problem. So someone's been like, you know what? For some reason, someone's like, yeah, but you know what gets rid of locusts? Ah, leeches. And also I know my grandma gave me this witch curse. And then they just chant it.

Okay, so yours involves magic, which is cool. Yeah. Alright. Ours is like misbreeding through science. I don't know what mine was. Natural disaster. Mine's just naturally occurring. Yours is a witch's curse brings around a leech swarm. So that's a driven plausibility.

Yeah, that's true. Magic not real. Look, someone had to say it. Yeah, absolutely. You know what you're doing now? You're the doubting scientist. It's like magic isn't real. And then what have you you got a whole bunch of swarming leech locusts do you um let's build a glass box i'll still be a naysayer but i'll be safe

do they i'm gonna go i'm gonna be the guy that's like maybe it's good hey this rule i'm just saggy and then then I die. Just imagine a... Because, again, like a leech. Imagine that with wings, but like the mandibles of a locust. Oh, yeah. How big are we talking? We're talking like... Because locusts are the size of, say, like a dinner plate kind of thing.

Yeah. Okay. That is the best example of how both of your brains work at the same time that we could have ever put to audio. Yeah, they're pretty big. They're about the size of a rat dinner plate. So a leech the size... How much blood is too much blood to lose quickly?

Oh, look. How much are you thinking is too much to lose quickly? I'm not sure. Because I'm imagining one of those leeches under my titty, say, and then it sucks. Is that going to just knock me clean out? Is it drinking it through your nipple

like it's breastfeeding? Slams onto my chest, latches its mouth around my nipple, starts sucking, and I'm like, it's just getting milk! And then it dies. Guys, I figured it out!

Who's lactating? You gotta breastfeed them to death Because you'd be like the first one Where one lands Like, oh, there's leech And you kind of peel it off Like, oh, I heard that another one Then another one

Then another one Then another one Because the big problem is they swarm Yeah, a lot of them And they're the size of a rat Well, how do you stop them? Other than breastfeeding, obviously But not everyone's lactating

I get it What kills a leech? Fire Salt That's slugs That probably doesn't also kill a leech Leeches probably aren't cool with salt I had a leech in my eye once And the guy just pulled it off That's disgusting

Never tell me this story ever again What if, to combat the leeches, we go to the local salt mine We get wet We jump in the salt. Get salty. Dehydrate yourself, though. Yeah. But I got a bottle of water on hand for just this situation.

Still so salty. And then I run. And when the leeches land on my body, they shrivel up and die. Why don't you instead get yourself in, say, like a hazmat suit, then get yourself wet, then dunk yourself in salt. What about I get myself one of those fireproof suits that stuntmen wear. Yes. Set myself alight.

Yes. And then breastfeed all the leeches to death. Yes. A toxic mix of fire and manned milk. Jackson's breast milk is so salty. These leechkists have come into Hollywood. They're just causing so much strife. But thankfully, we have a team of stuntmen and women who are happily set themselves on fire.

And any citizen who'd like to join the fight, set yourself on fire and body slam the leeches. Note, lactating preferable. If you are lactating, the leeches hate breast milk. So that's also probably going to be pretty helpful. I'm just imagining you popping the leechcus that has been consuming breast milk and blood. White and red. That mixture just going everywhere. I'd get too attached.

That's the problem. You'd raise them as your children. Maybe these are my babies. Don't kill them. I love this one. I love these leeches. Come live with me, leeches. You can have some of my blood sometimes.

Suckle on my breast milk and veins and then i do a great thing for society and die who cannot understand me he really he really did a good thing for society there by shutting up and dying now i don't have to watch a man breastfeed a leech anymore this rule you just like trying to like just a a leech anymore This rules Maybe this is Maybe this is God Maybe God's always been big rat sized

Leeches with wings Who can Thank God he's dead I was sad when everyone else died But I clapped a bit when he died How do you get rid of locusts? You don't I think they just pass through and you just cop it

Pesticides? We could just live our life Well, I'm thinking, right? Well, pesticide generally gets rid of locusts I assume I always said DMT But that is absolutely not what I meant No

And fire gets rid of It's in Big Yellow Tax that is absolutely not what I meant. No. What about, and fire gets rid of. It's in Big Yellow Taxi. The song, they say something about a pesticide. Pull up a pie and eat off a parking lot. It's not DMT. That's a fucked drug. I know what you mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, what about if we just poison our own blood What are the leeches drinking Maybe DMT is the answer Well first off Birds clearly eat locusts That's true But fire gets rid of Leeches

So some kind of Fire bird There you go So we set the birds on fire Or we just kind of fire bird. DDT. There you go. Yeah. So we set the birds on fire. Or we just kind of. The Phoenix Initiative. Again, like a natural occurring horse quake.

Yeah. Like the wild bird fires of California. Okay. They sound like fire and a whole bunch of screeching birds. I can't sleep anymore. Hey, is this just a fire that's killing birds? Or is this like the horse quake last year? Well the birds don't seem to be dying So I think this is like the horse quake

I assume we're good I'm just glad there's no creaks and dicks anymore Life's been crazy this last two years. I guess then the bird fire sweeps through Los Angeles, destroys the leeches, but then... It destroys

most of America. Cats. I still own the poison arrow and blood. Wet cats. Wet cats get rid of Oh to get rid of the bird fire We're doing this again Wet cats get rid of a bird fire

Then we have a wet cat problem But is that a problem Dry out the cats and we just get a cat problem Dogs Man best friend Say more men Diamonds are a girl's best friend Shirt men yeah yeah diamonds are girls best friend uh with diamonds families yeah but we always have families that's just part of the cycle well if we give every dog to every uh

ranch full of wild west outlaws that have settled down with a wife and kids now they're gonna hound yeah and that's that problem that is sorted. That is sorted. Alright, so let's talk about this leech swarm. Okay, so. Horror. Horror. Pretty high. Especially the breastfeeding really adds to it. It's probably a fiver. Yeah. It's not as unpleasant as rising worm dicks, but

it's pretty bad. It's five. Survivability. It might die. If you know it can kill you, definitely. Yeah. But if you know it's coming, you could avoid it. Because I feel like that leeches mixed with locusts, if you stay inside- Nah, crawling through cracks, man.

Yeah, nah, that's fair. But they're pretty- Imagine these little gross, slippery little locusts sliding through. Do they act like locusts, sir? They act like locusts or like leeches. Because either way, neither of those- I mean, I could be wrong, but I don't think that- Because locusts can't get into your car.

No, but that fucks your- It's just because if you're driving through them, it goes into your grates because it's so thick. But if it's hitting a house, I don't think that'll be- But they are thirsting for blood. They are also leeches, which means they could probably squeeze through places. But I don't think leeches smell blood and chase it.

These ones do, like the horses from earlier. Ah, yeah. Always trying to get into people's cars. Yeah. They want to drive it. I'd give this one maybe a four for survivability. Plausibility. Zero.

Zero. Magic's not real. No good. But then again, like I was always being the naysayer with the horse quake. Yeah, but that's a natural disaster. Yeah, natural disaster and just science magic. So what are you on at the end? Rude.

Rude boys. He's on nine. He's on nine. So worst horror movie, worst animal mashup. Horsequake, I'm a close second with the derm. Yeah. Which is basically making society

look at a wet duck dick but big. And as soon as we find out that magic is real boy will egg be on your faces.

When magic is proven real we'll come back to this and we'll we'll we'll amend those results.

And on that note I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. Fear our creations. Stay inside. Or not. Do not go outside and engage the horses. Thanks for listening

and if you want to follow us on Twitter you can find us at Sandspants Radio or you can find us individually I'm at Douche13 I'm at OldDogsOfDead and I'm at GodDammitZammit If you want to hear our other shows you can head to SandspantsRadio.com

and you'll find all our other content there There's heaps! And if you want to support us head to SandspantsPlus.com Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever.

Kisses.