Plumbing the Death Star - Which Animal Would Be The Worst For Humanity In An Alfred Hitchcock's 'The Birds' Scenario?

Episode Date: August 17, 2025

Would you straight up fuck a rat? believe it or not, that's what's being discussed here for some reason? Also there's some fun stuff about two monkey's escaping a van or something. Have fun!Buy Tickets to see Plumbing The Death Star & Thumb Cramps herehttps://cheerfulearful.podlifeevents.com/Links to everything at https://linktr.ee/plumbingthedeathstar including our terrible merch, social media garbage and where to become a subscriber to Bad Brain Boys+ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Let's go to the X. The Canadian National Exhibition Foundation's Grand C&E 50-50 fundraiser is on. Buy your tickets now at C&E Foundation 5050.com for your 18 chances to win and a chance to support a good cause. You could take home the $100,000 guaranteed minimum cash grand prize and more. Thank you for supporting C&E Foundation Community and Youth Programs. Play responsibly. License RAF 14868-5859. Come and celebrate to run it and do everything you want to have the X.

Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's the show that we recommend. I'm Mark. And I'm Ryan, and you might know us from our award-winning CBC podcast, Let's Make a Sci-Fi. But we want to tell you about our brand-new show, the town show. On The Town Show, we are building a fictional town. Every week we invite a guest comedian on to riff with us

about new citizens, new buildings, historical landmarks for our made-up town. The best way to describe it is, you know that Simpsons poster with every character on it? We're trying to create that, but in podcast form. So listen to The Town Show out every Wednesday, wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcast everywhere. acast.com. Hey, everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joe.

I'm Jackson I'm also, Joel Let me the Death Star I hear you ask What's that? And I'm here to tell you that it's actually a comedy Pop Culture podcast

and asked the important questions And you'll be able to tell that from this title Yeah Because it's simply Which animal would be A worse The Birds situation

Than Birds And Alfred Hitchcock's the birds See? He missed the bill He just said Which animal The worst Would be the worst

For humanity? I don't know what happened there Brother, you've got the name You tell me the answer. Well, today's question comes us from the listeners suggestion for plumbing the Death Star

channel in the subscription discord from Fatali Kong and the real question which animal would be the worst for humanity in an Alfred Hitchcock's

the Boards situation. So obviously, the big swinging dick himself, Alfred Hitchcock. He said, what if birds attacked us? Exactly. And in the past, that's laughable to me, Alfred Hitchcock. Yeah, I could kill at least four birds. There's like maybe two birds I'm scared of.

Yeah. Well, I'd say I'm scared of about four birds. I would say, I mean, we've probably covered this, and I probably had the exact same piercing vinegar in my guts. Give me one bat. Yeah. Like, as in like a single wooden bat. no bird is getting anywhere near me

because birds don't have long range attacks. Again, the only bird that I think I'm like, like, it's casserwareies, emu. Emu's a fuck in the head though. You do this? Ostrich? No. Oh, chubil. Yeah, the chubil one. Ostriches seem to me like a coward emu. Yeah. Am I wrong

in saying this? Well, emus and ostrich seems like they're like the kind of the snagled puss of the bird realm. They're very much just I don't know. They just don't know. They just don't scared. I just don't think they're going to harm me. I mean, both are stupid. You put your arm above your head and then they back off. He's like, oh, fuck, sorry. I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't realize how Paul you were. Yeah, I fuck. I didn't realize you were me, but bigger. I'm out. Yeah. Yeah. Even just have a sort of Australian stupid. Like, they're like a war, mate. Like,

yeah, I don't know something about what? I wanted your phone. You wanted this? Yeah. I'm so sorry. Yeah. Can you please stop strangling me. Give me your sandwich. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, like, again, like a baseball bat or a cricket bat, an emu or an ostrich, fuck them. I think I'm scared of. I know that they've bodied bullets, but again, they're shooting them in the guts. Yeah, a back to the head, dude. It's easy to hit it off. I don't know who, I don't know who's shooting these ostriches.

No, it's a great emu war. You can just walk it off. Oh, the great emu war. They were shooting him in the head. No, this will make so much sense to you. You're not paying attention. I'm the problem. I'm the problem.

I'm walked in, bro. You don't understand. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In the great em you wore in Australia. You keep saying you won, but when I said they get shot on the guts, you go, what do you even say? I thought you would. Aim for their head because if, yeah, they'll keep going.

Yeah, you shoot with the guts, they might be, they'll keep going. But a baseball bat to the head, I think is going to be less powerful than a gunshot to the head. Yeah, no, so it's gone shot to that, but it's hard to shoot an emu in the head because they've got a little head. Yeah, I guess. We're a bat. And also, like, I think an emu is mostly neck. So if you bat to the neck. It's gonna wrap around the bat.

Yeah, that's okay. I'll break his neck. It's not gonna do much then. I think shooting an ostrich would be like one of... or killing an ostrich or one of those things that stays with you till you're an old man. Honestly, shooting most birds close range, but because an ostrich... No, I think some birds... I mean, like shooting a robin close range is insane.

I think... You just shut yourself with my hand, dude. You just picked up of the robin somehow, plucked it out of the sky. Just aim it directly into your, straight through your hand. Damn, that bird. Oh, dude, bird guts just shot out the back of my hand, along with some hand bones. My bud, bird. What the hell? Looking through the bird and out the back of my hand.

Why don't know when I shot my hand, bird feathers came out. What the hell's happening today at the range? I'm bad at bird watching. Yeah, I think like this, shooting a bird is kind of like, how we imagine shooting a crab with a shotgun where you pull the trigger and whatever was there is no longer there anymore. Yeah. Yeah. It's just gone. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think the four birds I'm scared of. Yeah. Pelican. Okay. Why? Because they're big... They can swallow your head. Yeah. Big mouth, I guess. And confident.

Like that about them. They are confident. I'll give you that. Okay. Well, actually, yeah. And then I would say, maybe it's just, maybe it's just elephant. I mean pelican. I mean, elephants are pretty scared. To me, it's just cassowaries. Oh, and Cassowary and Falcons, because they're so fast. And they can go through me, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because, again, with Hitchcock's, like, if it's a bird situation, it's not that they're, like, you know, attacking humanity. Fucking height. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just, like, level of hatred for humanity, like unseen before. And they'll... So they want to come and get you. Yeah.

And I reckon, yeah, like, a Perrigan falcon, it's just like... They're very fast. So one of those to my, like, fragile eyes. Oh, yeah, dude. You're done. You're done. I mean, people, you know, when magpies are swooping, sometimes they hit people in the eyes and you lose that eye.

Yeah, that's why we got two. That's why God put us on the surface with two eyes. Never met a man. We knew we were going to lose one at some point. Give them two. I should have given us three, dude. I'm fired up my little machine to find out the most dangerous birds. Yeah.

Yeah. Whoa. What's the most dangerous bird? Chicken? Probably actually. What? Yeah. Why?

I don't know, because there's more of them. Yeah, more of them, dude. Why would that... Because chickens, like... It's like how more people are killed by sheep than wolves or whatever. Just there's more sheep. If I was making a... If I was making a list of...

They used to have, like, you know, with the spurs and stuff, whatever. Like, I know that they can... But, like, again, this is a horrible thing people can do, which is, you know, like, the cockfighting, whatever, they use the spur things. There have been incidents where the chickens have, like, sought revenge. Oh, that's awesome. And then, like, attack the people organizing. Great for the chicken.

Yeah. And so, like, chickens. Also, I'm imagining, I don't know, if you trip over on one. Yeah. Get the flu from a chicken? Yeah. I got scared because I could hear noise and I was like, where is that coming from? It's like a metallic sound.

I thought it was the microphone reverberating. Turns out my speakers were on it. It was playing something crazy. So, yeah, if you watch on the YouTube video there, I got very panicked. I did see you listening to your microphone and I was like, oh, do you see, look into the mic. You listen to your headphones. I guess like maybe whatever they're an abundance of bird is

like a seagull I wouldn't shock me pigeons I mean I guess if you're making one of those like this sounds like a fucking that sounds like a list from that guy who sucks from crack that would be like well actually I think it's a it's like if it's like

human deaths by bird you're gonna get chicken or like pigeon but if it's most dangerous and this is by Britannical okay that's an encyclopedia hot dog Yeah, and we've covered most of them already, but it's cassowary. Yeah.

Yeah. Uh, ostrich. What the hell? Ostrich is too. Ostrich, but they're the snackle-fuss of the bird rail. I think you may have accidentally been mistaken. Is that because you imagine them plunging their head into the sand? No, I just imagine them getting low, like, Philly and being like, you know.

Ostrichers are more dangerous than emus. Osteers seem more muscular. That's what I was. Yeah, you've flipped, ever since I've read that, you've flipped on a dime, you're like, yeah. Yeah, yeah, fuck. music. But they're always screaming about exit and staged left.

Yeah. The great horned owl. Why is that dangerous? What's it doing to me? It's a fucking owl. Don't they have like the weakest hand or something? Like a weak neck?

They are silent. A silent killer. Yeah. Something about owls that are like they're like really fragile or something. They're very They're really aggressive. It can be really.

Yeah. You yell at an owl that will die. Yeah. Fuck you, Al. This type of Al for some reason seems to be like extra aggressive about protecting its nests And it's...

That must mean their eggs are delicious Yeah, exactly. It knows how good it's got it. Its talents grip is as strong as 500 PSI Which is similar to the bite of a large guard dog Oh damn, dude Therefore he's great enough to permanently disfigure blind or kill Jesus Christ Those eggs must be so delicious

Yeah, I think it's worth stealing They've scalped the jogger before Whoa, that's terrifying. Do you reckon he thought the jugger's head was an egg? I don't know why I thought the juggler was bald. In my head, I was imagining a bald juggler, and he's just going to try and pick it up. Did he just tear off the top? That's scary as fuck.

And the other one is the bearded vulture. Huh. Why? Why is a vulture scary? Because that's not a problem until I'm dead. Or dying. Oh, dying. Well, and if I'm dying, I'm dead.

So, you know... I guess. You know, if I'm at the stage where there's vultures chasing after me... Clearly, well, they're not chasing. They're just waiting. If they're walking after me as I crawl through the desert, I'm giving up. The vultures know before I do, frankly. Or maybe you could pretend to be dead and you're quickly like...

Grab a vulture. Eat a vulture. I bet vulture meat tastes disgusting. Absolutely awful. I bet it tastes like vomit. Well, I was imagining if you were dehydrated, you drink the vulture blood, which I can imagine also tastes awful. I reckon vulture blood tastes awful. I reckon vulture blood tastes better than vulture meat.

Both would be bad because they eat decaying shit. Also, because, like, the meat would be, you know, it's like the blood being like... The blood's where the taste is coming from. The sixth bird on this list is another owl. What the fuck, dude? I guess we've been thinking, because, well, look, they're awake when we're asleep, so that's also out of danger. That's true, dude. I'm not aware. I'm not... I'm not... I'm not thinking out. I'm not thinking out. I'm not thinking out.

I'm not thinking, like, you know, daybirds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm thinking of the nightbirds, dude. You never think of the nightbirds. God. Because I'm thinking like, yeah, I got a cricket bat, sure. I see a seagull coming towards me. Like, yeah, look, I'm flailing away.

I'm even a few, whatever. I'm out for a stroll at night. I'm not thinking about all the owl's coming and giving. And I can't even see one. Brother, you're just like, you're just asleep outside. Yeah. Al, whoop takes your face. Exactly.

And I was like, what if an owl gets like a switch plate doesn't eat? He's got his own talents, man. Yeah. Bide me like a guard dog. That's terrifying. A bard owl, actually got a man. Bard owl? Barn or Bard?

Bard, B-A-R-E-D. Oh. As in like barbed. Yeah. Bard? Bard, is in like... B-A-R-R-E-D. Yeah, what does that mean?

Isn't like, oh, yeah, that has been barred from this, from entering, yeah. Anyway, a man got sentenced to... A man got sentenced? To murder, like, to prison for murder of his second wife. And then... Oh, I know this story. Yeah, and then eight years later, though, like, hang on a second. this doesn't match the fireplace poker

at all. Yeah. It was a freaking owl. And it was an owl, right? That must be the most confusing like a year prison centers just sitting there being like I genuinely didn't do it. Then they bust you out and they go I didn't do it. Because I think

it's like a I feel like something crazy happened in it where he is still involved but the basically What he threw an owl Ow! Al! Ow! Get her! Get her! Like a trained attack?

Yeah. Is that what you're telling you? annoyed at her. Yeah, I kept enticing the local Al to attack her. I kept covering your hair and mouse. Mouse meat. Yeah, dude. The victim, who was under the influence of pain, medicine and alcohol at the time, went

outside, got attacked by a barred Al. She panicked. The Al then got stuck in her hair, so it was scratching her even more. She ran inside, she managed to fight it off, and then she ran up. the stairs and then fell back down and broke her neck. Well, that's not the owl's fault.

Okay. I mean, like... The owl's innocent in this. No, I didn't... I mean, also an owl can't commit murder. I thought, yeah, exactly. It's not premeditated at all. I think it's just a terrible tragedy that happened.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Imagine stopping it all that, being like, what the fuck? What am I seeing? What the fuck? And then you go in jail, and you're like, I didn't do shit, dude. It was the owl. Can, like, a, like an octopus or a crow commit murder? if a crow premeditates

you know like a crow can hold a grudge a crow could murder me yeah yeah yeah and we should put it in jail if that happens but like a crow can also like convince other crow buddies to help murder you yes dude it can get it's well it's like it's murder of yeah murder of crows

to murder me yeah anyway hey Alfred Hitchcock's the birds the boids yes all of the birds on earth turn on humanity yeah yeah okay I'm saying What would be worse than that would be of every dog on earth turn the humanity, because most people have dogs. Okay? Yeah.

Most people have dogs. Most people have dogs, and most dogs are big, and if a dog wanted to kill you, you'd be dead. And whilst you can kill a bird with a bat, I mean, some dogs you can kill with a bat, other ones, it's more of an even fine. Like, yeah, again, yeah, I think I was chased by, like, a dog when I was younger, and it's a terrifying thing. Yeah, so most people have dogs. Jackson, do you have a dog? No. No, I don't.

Okay, do I have a dog? No. Well, we're safe. I've never seen a dog in my life when I'm walking down the street. Yeah, exactly. So it's just like, yeah. So inside, we're safe. Dogs can't open up doors.

Well, it depends on the door. My parents' old dog could open a door. He couldn't close it, which was annoying. Although that's not even more annoying. Because he opens up, lets the other dogs in. There's another dog's in, yeah. But also, like, a lock stops that. Yes, a dog can't open a lot.

That's true. But, I mean, in birds, birds fly through the window. Dogs could also jump through a window. Yeah, that's true. Can't, because a bird has a beak. Famously, dogs don't have beaks. Yeah, but dogs are heavier. Yeah.

Yes, but do dogs have enough speed to, like, if they throw themselves in a window? Could it smash. I do know of a horrible story that, like, you just, of, like, you know, a friend of a friend kind of thing. Like, they, like, had a greyhound, a thing. and it went for a run didn't quite see the like it didn't wow big pain of glass

The dog ran through glass died I'm guessing It didn't run through it's kind of cracked It's skull Oh my god Did die though So it didn't smash the glass It did crack the glass Well you just it's just a number

Of matter of dogs So now it's about How many dogs you can Yeah that zombie problem Of like zombie can't come over a hill But then you get like a bunch of zombies And they make a mound right Yeah

Like what happens in the last of us Yeah and World Was E too Classic zombie trope I guess Yeah yeah yeah It's like, I'm safe. Oh, no, I'm not. And I think, you know, it would feel bad to kill a dog. Yeah.

It feels worse to kill a dog than a bird in most instances. Yeah. You know? Well, if you're getting attacked by a dog now, do you reckon? Well, yeah, actually. If I was getting attacked by a dog now, even though I would be fighting for my life, some bit of my brain would be like, don't kill the dog. Yeah.

Don't kill the dog. Don't kill the dog. It's better to have like a mold arm than no mold arm and a dead dog. Yeah. Like, I would rather be in the hospital, like, in the ambulance, holding my arm, and the owners of the dog are there, and I'm like, I'm so sorry, is your dog okay? Oh, it's fine, you know, you're not, it's just a dog rather than being way on. That's, unfortunately, the dogs can put down, it attacked a guy.

So, I think it depends on, like, I think what you get, it's sizing, right? Yeah. So, like, anything, like, you know, say, Chihuahua, I'm not scared of. But, like, like, I say, a German Shepherd is, like, mawling me. I'm like, oh, no, I'm fighting back. Look, I am fighting for my life, right? Yeah. Oh, a punch of a dog in the head would feel weird.

So weird. Now, it's like a chihuahua Pomerini and those kind of dogs. Just kick it up on the flower. I'm, I don't want to, because I know I could crush that dog. Yes, dude. Like Andre the Giants. Yeah. I'm worried about the dog because I'm like, yeah, it's going to nip me.

Yeah. And yeah, whatever. But like, no one is going to the hospital. No. No one. I'm not, I'm like, I think anyway, at least. Like, it gets me real bad. But in my head, I'm like, it's a bumeradian.

It's fine. Yeah, what's it going to do? Now I'm like, you know, it's, oh, it's vicious attacking me. You could just pick it up by the scruff of the snack, whatever. Yeah, I don't want to get that dog, be responsible that dog getting put down. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to be more careful. Yeah, that's a scary.

It hates me right now, and it wants me dead. That's a scary part of the dog apocalypse. I need to get over my fear of killing a Pomeranian. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Also, how long, how long, actually, how long does the birds go for? Like, well, we don't, it's still going by the end of the movie.

Yeah. it's not yes it is as they leave in their car it stops a bit but then the birds are like the birds are all watching them as they like leave in their eyes because I realize their first salvo wasn't a successful yeah yeah yeah so now they're biting time but the it's not over the birds still have hate in their heart yeah yeah but it stops yeah like the initial attack is stopped no it's the same because that's the that's what makes it scary is because it starts suddenly and stops suddenly but clearly could happen any time the same as the happening yeah yeah yeah exactly start killing everyone

Waking them kill themselves. A guy runs himself over with a little over with a little. That's awesome. Mark Warburgs, a scientist. Good stuff. Good stuff. Yeah, but how long is the... I think if you look at it, it's like military tactics.

Yeah. And so they were like, it's the element of surprise. We're going to start doing this and there's like a big skirmish at the start. Yeah. And then there's like, all right, full frontal attack here. And so they go for it. And they don't, they're not as successful as they wanted to be. They kill a couple people.

Yeah? They get a few, but they don't get everyone. Exactly. And so now humanity. because there's no, like, peace talks, there's no, like, in negotiation here. We're, like, we could? And the birds are like, oh! And then, like, you can see, though, that there's hate.

They're waiting. They're just waiting for the appropriate moment. Yeah. Very similar. We could have an opening salvo, everything, and then it stops. And they're biting the time. Yeah. I don't think anyone's getting a dog as a pet anymore.

The pet industry is tanked. I think that was it. I think the dogs are going to be normal from now on. I think there's a lot more death. Yeah. Oh, yeah, of course. A bird. worse than, like, it is worse for humanity.

Sure, birds can, like, you know, crack through the windows, those kind of things. But, like, yeah, if you have a medium to large dog in your house, you're a fuck. Yeah, dude. Especially if it's like, I know that dog's name. Yeah. I named it. Yeah, exactly. Rufus! Rufus! What are you doing, Rufus?

Exactly. That's scary. Bella, stop! And also, like, in the birds, correct me if I'm wrong, the birds have, like, a crazy level of intelligence, too. They work together to do shit. Yeah. To, like, set a guy on fire, I'm pretty sure, at one point.

Something like that. Yeah. So the dogs are, it's, you know, obviously there are dogs just outright attacking, but also, like, the thing that's going to, like, you know, the one thing that maybe saving us is that, it's like, if there's like an apocalypse level event or whatever, where it's like, you know, pets inside are fucked because they can't get outside, right? And so that's the one thing that might save us is that, well, they, if the dog is trapped in, it's killed its owners and the doors aren't open.

Can't get out. can't, it's going to be trying to, slamming against the back door or whatever. How it is? But then it gets to a fence. Yeah. And that's the kind of thing where it's like, that's why we have backyards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the problem here is if they're smart, if they can rally. Yeah. And then maybe we are a bit more. And all the dogs that know how to open doors are teaching the other dogs that don't. Yeah, exactly. How many wild dogs are there in, say, the city of Melbourne, do you reckon? How many? Like, what's your? Not many. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think that many. Okay.

Like, it depends on, like, you know, if we're going more... Wait, wild dogs? Or do you think, like, are you talking like... Well, I'm imagining, like, I'm saying, domestic dogs, or feral... Wait, what was your case? Farrow, no. Farrow, is I thought... Yeah, Farrell was the word was looking for. Not wild.

Because, like, wild dogs is, like, dingoes. Oh, no, no, I mean, like, Ferrell. I mean, like, loose dogs. Yeah, yeah. Like, say, you know... Street dogs. In some sort of, like, country towns, where there is, like, you know, more, like,

dogs is kind of loose around, or in other countries where there's dogs loose in the... When I lived in the Northern Territory, the community I lived in was like 90% feral dogs. Yeah. There's about 6 to 7,000. In Melbourne. That's not too many.

Like the city of? And how many people? That's crazy. Where are they hiding? No, no, no, no. Where are they going? Not the CBD. The city of.

In India, there's 62 million. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Best of luck to our Indian brethren. Yeah, yeah. Good luck to. luck yeah hey the story of the birds was inspired by the author

yeah so it was a short story before it was a movie I just think you like this gentleman oh yeah the author was just sitting there one day watching his farmer tend to the crops and then just got attacked by a flock of gulls suddenly he was just like hmm

that happened to everyone what if that was there deliberate yeah just like a farmer plow in the field then all of a sudden gulls just attacked him it is crazy when like an animal just has it out for you because you don't know how to deal you're like, why? What did I?

What did I do? Also, the short story is way more hectic. Yeah. They lose to the birds. Oh, that's awesome, dude. The story ends with the protagonist like, the city's been overrun. He's walking, but like,

there's big piles of dead birds and also just like pecked dead humans. Yeah. And the birds stop attacking and then just start attacking again, suddenly. Yeah, yeah. And then at the end, he's got one, the main character's got one cigarette left.

He just lights it and just throws his empty pack into the fire and just watches it burn. The end. That's awesome. While he's listening to the sound of splintering wood as hawks concentrate their attack on the doors. Whoa.

Yeah, that's awesome. That is terrifying. But yeah, is weird when, like, yeah, an animal has it out for you. Like, there's that, like, story of that elephant that hated a woman. That's right. And, like, you know, it's like attacked her.

Was it twice maybe? Killed her, turned up at a funeral, wrecked her body. And you're like, wow. Oh, yeah, that's awesome. I love that hateful elephant. What happened? What the fuck? What's going on here?

And you can't be like... You can't reason with the elephant. You got her. Yeah. She's dead, dude. We're actually putting her in the ground right now. Bro. Calm dead.

What's up, dude? I was just on my little machine trying to find a little bit of information about this elephant that hates a woman. And I Google, I was like, the elephant that hates. Yeah. But as I got to the hedge, it was the elephant that was hanged. Interesting.

I think I've seen. that photograph. They hanged an elephant. They was sick of its shit. I reckon that's what happened. The elephant hanged was murderous married. Yeah. Elephants have a lot of hate in the heart. They do. They're a hateful animal. Well, they never forget. Yeah, exactly. And maybe that person did something slide of that elephant. Yeah. Brother, they hung that elephant. Yeah, dude. They hung that elephant good. Yeah. That's crazy. That's so much effort, like, to do a public being. Hanged by a crane. And like, that's, you know, like the idea of a hanging back in the day of de gallows is so that everybody can be like, fuck, man, I don't want that to happen to me. Yeah.

I'm not going to commit a crime. You don't get that with an else. The other elephants don't know what's happening. It's a little bit of like, yeah, I don't want that happened to me, but also like a bit of like justice. Like, yeah, fuck that person for doing X, Y, and Z. I'm seeing. We got them. Good.

And then we're cheering. We're having a good time. I guess I probably murder or Sadie or whatever. I don't have TV. Yeah. It's a lovely outing for the family. Yeah, I'm not doing anything else. Like, yeah.

It's crazy that, like, the executions that we used to have were kind of a bit of a bit of fun. Bit of a laugh, dude. A bit of a, like, oh, let's go down and watch the hangings. Absolutely. And you're like, wow, yeah, we were a bit barbaric. Yeah, dude. Yeah. But, I mean, wouldn't it have been fun?

You got to admit. I mean, yeah, if you believe in, like, everything, you're like, that person whomst I hate. Yeah, and who deserves to die. Like, man, how dare that person do that thing? I reckon the first meal after watching a hanging, you'd just be, you'd be voracious. I think you'd be scoffing it down Yeah I think you'd be full of a strange energy

Um anyway Yeah dogs That's my answer Yeah it's pretty bad Yeah pretty bad Dogs everyone's got one Yeah A lot of people have one

Yeah, have one And if you don't And you feel bad for killing them Yeah exactly You don't want to kill A bit for kill them small ones Yeah Large ones

You're like Yeah exactly And I don't know Some dogs get as big as horse Yeah I don't know And like yeah Your famous bat JD

I don't know how I could go against, say, like, a Malamood or something. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and also, like, a dog could bite the bat. Like, I feel like a dog... That's basically a big stick for him. Yeah. He's running away with it, dude.

Yeah, he's running away with it, leaving you open for the other dogs. Also... Tacticians, they're clever. And they're a pack animal! Exactly. We're fucked. And I think that with a bird...

Yeah. So, like, with the bat, my famous bat... Mm. Rare for a bird, not to be taken down with one decent hit from a bat. Where a dog, most, even like some, maybe not small dogs, but like medium to large. Like a Pomeranian, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's a one and done. But like, if I hit, like, even like, like, getting a Dober Moon or something.

Or even like a fucking Jack Russell might be able to body one hit from a bat. Not two or three, but one. Like a lab or something. Yeah, yeah. And then by the time I've, so one swing, I'm like, oh, man. I'm tired. I'm sorry. I need a sandwich. And then before I know it, the dog army's here.

Yeah. That's so funny. Woof! I got to sit down. I'm going to lie down. Yeah, dogs! That's warmed. Plus, you've got to think about all the other dogs with jobs.

Those and jobs. Yeah, like cop dogs and army dogs who've been well trained. Oh, dude. Already so vicious. The army dogs, don't they have, like, vicious, like, metal teeth or something? Maybe. Maybe. Yeah.

Can some dogs know how, and, like, a police dog knows how. knows how a gun works and can't use a gun but it can understand all the cop dogs are going to like turn on the cops being like you killed my friends that's true oh yeah cops love to shoot

they love to shoot their own dogs other dogs they're favorite yeah they just like they're like well time to knock on the dog exactly I'm gonna shoot this dog for something yeah why not toughest decision for a cop is you got a minority in a dog in front of them

and they're just like Which one? Oh, it's a Sophie's choice! Who am I going to shoot? Oh, I got two bullets! I'll shoot both. Yeah. Oh, it's so easy.

And then I'll just beat my dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Then I'll just retire. Yeah. Get a pension. Get a pension. Yeah, exactly. You're a paid admin.

That's nice. Yeah. I killed an unarmed man and two dogs today. Yeah. I deserve six figures from the state. Yeah. I'm the thin blue line. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. My life matters. Yeah. What would you pick, J.D.? I think, okay, so I think you're onto the right track, but I think that we can go more dangerous, but rarer. Oh, okay, interesting. And I'm picking apes. Oh, trouble at the zoo.

Classic. Classic plumbing tester. Thinking of apes. Open the playbook. Move past tear out your own eyes. Apes. There it is. I think Apes is probably before tearing out of you.

Yeah. Well, it's A. So if it's alphabetical, it will be the first one. are terrifying, and they've got hands, they can open doors. Yeah, they can open doors, they're smarter than dogs. They, whilst, they, they are stronger than dogs, like, both, like, in their physical exertion. So, like, they could probably crush a human head with their hands. But at the same time, like, we know, we know what an ape body can take before it stops.

Yeah. Like, there was the ape whose name, I forget, the tore off the human face. And it got shot, like, four times before it slowed down. Yeah, dude. And that's like, imagine, you know, that ape had some hate and its heart. Yeah. What if it had, like, a lot of hate and had a bit more intelligence than that he has? That ape had less hate in its heart.

Like, that wasn't at full hate. Yeah. I mean, I think that was only just, it was mostly just a drug, drug confusion. Yeah, exactly. But so, like, how many. Hates can do drugs. Oh, no. Oh, like, ape kills somebody.

They get a, like, you know, a stash of my, like, ADHD meds. Oh, no. quickest ape in the realm. Or, ape that has ADHD and is suddenly like, oh my God, I can focus for the first time. Wow. Ape D-HD-D-D-H-D. Yeah. Ape being like, is this how other apes function?

Alternative. Like, is what it is like? This is unfair. Is this why I play with Bush and then I get to strive? I'm like, what am I doing? And I start playing with stick and then I'm like, go in rowful. I wait, wow, it's been so long since I've eaten banana. So then I go to the, you know, I open up the cupboard and there's, like, a bit of peanut butter there.

And I'm like, that'll do. Yeah, that's basically bonnet. That's a bad. Yeah. What if ADHD medicine is the missing link? And all apes have ADHD. And if we cure that, we treat that in apes. We cure apisom by giving them.

Are you saying if we gave an ADIHD meds, they'd, like, stand up straight and be like, I need to get a job. Yeah. Thank you very much for that. I can now think. Thank you. I can finally think clearly. I'm in a zoo. All apes, if they took ADHD medicine, would become Frasier Crane.

That's my belief. E, gads, I'm in a zoo. Good God! Niles! Where's Niles? I've been eating nothing but bananas and peanut butter. I need a salmon. Alabs.

Aubbs. A bit standing here in the buff. God heavens! Hurling my own fistic! We're just standing there watching the apes being like, what is happening at the zoo today? Oh, that's why they got the idea from Frasier. Now that the apes are Frasier, I'm an ape.

You sit down. What I think is scary about apes going evil as well, is that... They can use weapons too. Well, that's true, but I'm imagining the sort of ground zero, the zoo. If I was at the zoo, zoo and I saw an ape obviously there should be some primal part of my brain that says

run away. Yeah. But there's a louder bit of my brain that says, oh my God, an ape! Yeah! And even though I know if you see an ape in the wild stay away. Wild animal. I'd be trying to shake its hand. I know. I say thank you for everything you've done.

No. I have. I've seen, well, yes, but they were on an island. I was on a ferry at the Oh, okay. I'm talking just like any type of monkey and chimp. Yeah, I guess. Because I didn't mean you guess? Well, because I went to like, it's a, we were in Bali recently and I went to like a monkey sanctuary type thing. And so the monkeys is like free like free roaming around or whatever. They're in the wild. One of them kept trying to get

like tourist backpacks. It was great. Oh, that's awesome. One of them, you'd be like, he wants that cigarette so bad. Don't give him the cigarette. It was. Yes. Jackson, how quickly would you have given him that cigarette? Like that, dude. Don't give a monkey cigarette. I know. No, because when I was in Singapore, I've been to, like, parks where there's just Monk. Oh, yeah, yeah, like, similar things. And they've got an aura about them where you're like, this is fun, but I'm a bit scared to get too close because they move so quick and jerky.

Yeah. And, like, some, if there's, like, you know, like a railing, whatever, and they jump up and they're so close to you. Oh, shit. No, that's scary. But imagine, have you ever seen, there's like a video, I think, and it's like a guy canoeing down, like, a river somewhere in Indonesia. Does he daff up an orangutan?

Well, it almost. There's like an orangutanang. and like a bend in the river and he's holding onto a tree, and the orangutan's just got his hand out in the water. And the guy becomes so close, like they're inches away from the orangutanang. And I just know if that was me. I just don't think I could help it. Yeah, but then the orangutan...

I'd reach out of hand and the orangutan would pop my arm. Yeah, I'd be like, you want to a high five, and then suddenly I'm getting eaten by an orangutangangangangangangang. Pulls me out of the boat into the river. You guys sail away. Yeah. Well, Jackson drowned how he wanted to live. Time to start my orangutan life, dude.

Wouldn't orangutan? What? Would they... Would they adopt? me as one of their own? I think so. I'm trying to kill you. Why? I'm no threat. I did in the bird situation? No, in this situation, in the, the orangutan sticking its hand out if he had to grab the other orangutan's hand out. I think he'd be like, you're not a fish, maybe. Yeah. Oh, he'd be like, I'm here to catch a fish. Yeah, but like, I'll catch a friend. Yeah.

And then I think he'd be like, I think it would, it would take it until the orangutan got bored, or I did the wrong thing. Yeah. I think that'd be a period of time where the orangutan was just playing with my head and, like, sticking his fingers in my mouth and then a moment where the like orangutan is eaten like i don't know like a bit like a mango yeah and you're like oh eating mango i'll have a bit of mango and then suddenly you have no face yeah yeah yeah the orangutans grab my face and scrunch it like a piece of paper yeah that was that uh that was that orangutangang's mango and you should not have eaten that yeah yeah always sitting in a circle and i pull out a chocolate bar and i unwrap it and all the orangutans

stare at me and i just slowly unwrap it oh This one's mine. This is my main girl. And he reaches out and I slap its hand. There, I think it's getting bigger and angry. This chocolate ball is so good. I'm not sharing it. Just like knowing I'm in such danger, just very slowly.

It's like, you finish it, put it down. They're already going to look at you with just absolute hatred. And then he's like, you don't have a lot out. They're taking steps. I finished the other one. They take steps towards me. like take the wrapper and like start licking the inside to get the little bits of chocolate left and then litter and that's when they attack me yeah but yeah so i met if an orangutan

at the zoo yeah say it's the gorillas right yeah the gorilla keeper goes in there to feed them hay or whatever yeah the guerrillas attack the keeper flee into the zoo properly yeah well i think that that people are going to be they're not going to run it's not like a lion gets loose Lion gets loose, everybody flees. Depends on the size of, if it's a gorilla, we're fleeing. If it's like an orangutan, a mandrel, a babboot. How long did it take... If it's a baboon, I'm out of it.

How long... Yeah. How long did it take for when that truck crashed and the... Fuck, what type of abes was it? Were they macaques? I don't know, but they're in Sydney. Yeah. They crashed and they were in the loose for a bit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. In the loose. They were in the loose, dude. Yeah. I feel like they were orangutans. No, I don't think they were orang-tangs. Less than?

They were racists monkeys, weren't they? I don't know, but they went to the hospital? Like on their own volition? Yeah, weren't they half? I'm sick. I need those ADHD men. I need to become Frisian. I have an apartment in Seattle.

I need to get to. Now, in our minds... Three baboons went on the run in Sydney. Baboons. Oh, that's scary, dude. Oh, and they escaped from Sydney Hospital. What? That just, well, I got more questions.

Do hospitals have baboons? Do their husbands have baboon wards? What happened? Do they need a CT scan? Is that what I'm learning? For spare organs? For baboons? Baboon cookies?

You're going to understand that this was... We can get a heart, a baboon heart now? This was a big week in Australia because the same week that baboons escaped from C. Hospital was also the same week that the coronavirus hit our shores. Yes, that's right. That's right. Sort of overshadowed the escaped baboons.

Yeah. Why? Yeah, coronavirus stole baboons as thunder. Yeah, stole their beautiful glory. Why were they in a hospital? Yeah. Were they having surgery? Were they sick in a way that required?

Where we were transplanting their brains? Are we doing some kind of weird, cool science? We were trying to give the male baboon of vasectomy. why were the others there were he's two wives why were they there for moral support what the fuck

he went to get a vasectomy he bought his two baboon wives because we can't sound right I'll get he'll get cut this is the easiest way we can do it tax dollars are going toward giving baboons the snip dude that's fine

that's whatever give the baboon the snip why are he's two baboon wives there That's what I want to know What the fuck, dude, this is crazy Why would he? And why? They're not fucking

Okay, we're going to get the baboon to snip And so then we're going to wait around And then he'll fuck his baboon wives And then we'll see if it's working What do you do? Don't do that And like Are there no

His wives there? And they're not like Is it a shone Need a vasectomy? Why does one? Is he? Because we're going to stop having baboon Too many baboon babies

Yeah And he can't wear a robber Yeah, that's true He'd rip one right off Yeah, he'd hate You hate having a frangor on, dude. But like, does the zoo, is this not a thing? Are they not animal, does this not what the vets for?

Why do you need to get a man, doctor? What if there was a human being that needed a vasectomy at the same time? And they said, sorry, the doctor's performing a vasectomy on a baboon. You're out of luck. Could I go to a vet to get my vasectomy? Yeah, what's what the hell's going on? This is crazy. Is it just kind of like a vet being?

Like, look, I'll happily like, on you to a dog, but I ain't doing it. I ain't doing a baboon. A baboon is basically a mini guy. Take it to the guy, doctor. Isn't that a baboon's guts are so similar to a human beings that it's better to go to a human doctor? Maybe?

What? That's kind of like, I understand, you know, that like, you know, a dog and a cat's bits. Yeah. Baboons is basically like a guy's bits. It's out of my hands. I don't know that at all. Send it to a hospital.

Yeah. I was trying to find out the real reason, but then I accidentally clicked on. Peter's websites, obviously. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I understand. They said that it was for dark research and torture chambers. Yeah. I don't think that's why we were

saying a baboon to the hospital. I went Peter as in like family guy, and I'm like, of course he's found like Peter Griffin's website for some reason. The Peterpedia, the Wikipedia where everything's through Peter Griffin. I went to get a vasectomy

today, but they wouldn't let me because of the baboons were there. Oh, peanut. Cut to the Sydney Hospital where baboons just like screaming. Yeah. Smash a window and escape. So they escaped from a truck.

Okay. Had he got the vasectomy first? On the way there. Was he pre or post besiected? I'll read how it is written. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. We'll do our best

not to interrupt. Yeah. Okay. Well, we'll try and figure out what the fuck is happened here. Okay. They weren't pets. That's illegal in Australia. And they weren't from the zoo. The three baboons that yesterday broke free from a truck. I know we just said we were going to try our hardest to not interrupt.

I am trying so hard. It does explain where they're from very shortly. Is it a science babe? Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Let's go to the X. The Canadian National Exhibition Foundation's Grand C&E 50-50 fundraiser is on.

Buy your tickets now at C&E Foundation. 5050.com for your 18 chances to win and a chance to support a good cause. You could take home the $100,000 guaranteed minimum cash grand prize and more. Thank you for supporting C&E Foundation Community and Youth Programs. Play responsibly. License RAF 14868-5859. Come and celebrate to run it and do everything you want to have the X. Uh, well from a research facility when medical experiments conducted on animals.

Okay. Okay. So, yeah, one sentence away was the answer. In fact, the practice is more common than you might think. According to the Humane Research Australia, the HRA, there are 272 primates used in medical research in the country in 2017, with 165 of those from New South Wales. And then, look, I wish that this had an explanation.

On Tuesday, a male baboon was being transported with his two wives to the Royal Prince Alfred Hospital and camped down to have a vasectomy. But they escaped. No one's asking the question Why the two wives? Why the vasectomy? Why the vasectomy? Why the vasectomy I get?

Why the vasectomy in a man hospital? Why if the place that does medical research Well maybe they're not qualified to do a vasectomy? Because they're like we're doing brain surgery maybe We're doing like stuff to be like Like vasectomies I think are pretty easy Yeah Just get in there but like I can't do one

So maybe they're like I could after watching like four videos You probably could Is it an ethics? I think I could get it. If I could get in there, I can figure it out. Yeah. But is it an ethics thing?

What? Like, it's unethical to give it. Yeah, like, either ethics thing or like, your certain, like, abilities that you're given a grant, like, so I, uh, whatever it is that the grant you have to go through or, like, the forms you've got to fill out or whatever it is, the people overseeing it to be like, well, we're doing like this sort of medical research or whatever it is like this on these particular apes. Yeah.

And that falls on the purview of like, hey, we're testing these, like, you know, drug and testing, whatever it might be. And it's like, well, actually, we don't have the authority. to do a vasectomy. Yeah, probably. Probably that's it. Otherwise, why would they be sending them to a man hospital?

Because I was like, yeah, like, we just don't have, like, either we don't have the facility to do the, we don't have the, the tools or whatever. So, the expertise to do so. Plus, it really falls under their thing. It would be illegal for whatever reason.

Because we can't do that. We can't, like, you know, we can't perform surgery. Yeah. Because then it's like, you know, well, hey, you performed surgery on this thing, which is meant to do with this. What were you doing that for?

What else are you doing? So they're trying to maybe be like the most above board. Yeah. But it doesn't explain why you bring the wives. That's madness. I've clicked around a little bit. I found an answer. They were there to, and this is a quote.

Yeah. There to keep him calm because tomorrow he was due for a vasectomy. So it is moral support. Yeah. Moral support. Wow. That's so wonderful. Who is this person being interviewed?

Because they are dropping some awesome quotes. Yeah. Oh, the health minister. Brad Hazard. Okay. Shout out Brad Hazard, dude. Passet. His name is Hazard.

Mr. Hazard said the incident involved a 15-year-old male baboon accompanied by two wives who were there to keep him calm because tomorrow he was due for a vasectomy. Yeah. He cut loose before the big gut

said Mr. Hazard. Imagine you are in like the next room. You're there for, I don't know, like a routine checkup, whatever. Or maybe you're there for getting you chemo. I don't know. And then suddenly you hear this, you're like, hmm, what's happening at this?

watching an interesting movie next of watching baboons on their phone the reason that they are doing the vasectomy is to allow him to continue to live his life in peace and harmony with his own family and they couldn't have him continuing consistently to breed within the troop because it presents all sort of genetic problems okay the operation will go ahead and he will be returned to his colony with the two females wives yeah um thanks for between wives and females there i have not thrown wives into the mix but that one says female yeah yeah uh yeah he said priority had been had been for the well-being of the baboons and the safety of the public but the baboons had been and this is another quote impeccably behaved well not not so far i mean like not they were until

they escaped the truck and then the animal justice party MP yeah which is a small party in australia yeah uh said the baboons were medical experimentation survivors who had made an escape a tempt. That's like... That's a leap. But also, I'm like, maybe, again, this is kind of like if you're in a truck. It feels like the implication is that the baboon knew he was going to get a vasectomy. And he was like, I don't want, I'm not on my

life, dude. We're getting out of here. Imagine being the guys who were transporting the baboon and going to open up the back of the truck and seeing that there's no baboons. Because you've got to call it in. You've got to call it in. You can't not, you can't just

close that again and keep You have to tell people. People will know. You can't drive back to the medical experimentation center and be like, what baboons? Or he can't be like, oh, where did they go? I think you're already in there. The moment you have to. You got to call it in. And how do you say that? You get, hey, we got a bit of a bit of a problem. A little snafu. Hey, boss, you know how we were transporting three. That baboon is two wives. Yeah. Yeah. So. I left the back and the truck unlocked? No, the lock failed.

So, um, I just opened, I just, I went, I went to check on him. Yeah. Went to a server, I got a pie. Yeah.

Before I even got to the pie, I just took to check on the cargo. Yeah. Locks broken. Apes are gone. Honestly. Yeah. Apes are gone.

Anyway, I'll see you back. Yeah, I'm probably going to wrap up. So yeah, last time I remember the apes being in the van of the car, the truck was, oh, yeah. About two hours. ago, so it's so funny dancing around it

being like, hey, just Jackson here. Yeah, everything's going good. Something weird happened. Just something like a little off. Don't know if this is a problem at all, really. Honestly, I'm just calling a check. Yeah, I'm just trying to, you know, dart my eyes, cross my teeth.

So the apes. Yeah. Do we need, like, do we need to, like, is it important that the apes are in the truck Yeah, like if the apes had this Like if what happens in this Like if an ape was to say escape Yeah

Is that bad for us and the apes And the wider community Yeah Just like I'm just as a thought experiment Like if a guy wanted to know Like what would happen If they escaped right next to one Nando's Do you reckon they went in?

Yeah I think if I was working in that Nandoes And I saw the baboons Like leave the truck I would be like They're comic Yeah I'd be like well

I would start making a chicken sandwich I know, well, yeah, time to make three chickens. Sandwiches, okay, yeah, yep, yep, yep, because I know it's coming. And then when the baboons pass, I would, oh, the biggest out of relief of my life. Well, yeah, because I, like, looked up, because we know which hospital they broke out of, and it was in Camperdown. And, yeah, it's right next to the University of Sydney. That's so funny, dude. It's right near Enando's. It's right next to Parramatta Road.

Baboons would love Anando. They would froth Anandos, big time. Do you'd put a sign up being like, this is the Nando's the Apes Visiting? Yeah, like this would be the Nando's the Apes Aiden. I would like perpetuate that rumor.

Oh, big time. They'd be like, did you feed that? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. A whole chicken, I would say. You want the baboon spasho? Come on in. Yeah.

I think if the lock breaks, I don't feel bad. It's not my fault. Yeah. That the apes go lose. It's a faulty lock. There is. Imagine also like the most piss weakest lock.

It's like a little slide. Absolutely. Yeah. I don't know what it. There's a veterinary. a teaching hospital like so close

to the normal hospital why don't they take the it's a teaching hospital also when are you going to be having to do a vasectomy on a baboon this feels

specialised specialised knowledge let's get the man doctor yeah yeah yeah what an awesome day to be a doctor

though they give you a call and they say hey brother we got a fun one for you yeah Mr. Bojenkles

needs a vasectomy you know how you're the vasectomy guy yeah that's what my number plate says You got them all chop them

That's my bumper sticker And then I have like dangling truck nuts That have clearly been cut off Like I don't think this man understands Vesectomies That's he's making he's sending People coming in for Vesectomies He's sending him out into the world as eunuchs

Yeah bring the baboon in Snip Snip What did you do? Vesectomy This is no you've chopped this Not Sromy also I made you a lovely purse Yeah, baboon skin purse, dude, made right of the scrotum.

What do you think of vasectomy is buster? Remove all the nuts? We call it the snip because we snip off the nuts. Okay? It's also good. This is another really good quote. Professor Amory, Hennessy, a senior advisor at the facility, said the animals were living in an environment, which resembled the natural habitat.

Because, yeah, like, basically what happened is people were like, where the fuck did these baboons come from? Yeah. And then they were like, oh, there's a research facility. Then everyone was like, what the fuck? What's secret research doing? We're all imagining like, you know, I guess, platter the April, that kind of stuff to be like, what do you do? Yeah, what do you do?

Monkeys with like those fucked up helmets and shit. They weren't just electrocuting or whatever. See how they respond. Well, look, I think. Well, yeah, basically, how's this quote, though? Yeah. They would have been completely terrified outside of their comfort zone in a world they don't understand. Well, I think, yes

A bad for a rising up situation Well, now I know that there is apes in Australia No, but this is scary because, okay, this part Comes into if apes go bad Yes The baboons at the facility have been used An important biomedical research in Australia for at least 30 years And it was only justified where there was no alternative

And then they go on to say, we can't tell you more Because it's all very secretive How many apes are there in Australia We don't know. And what secrets do they have? What experiments are they doing, dude? I feel like when those three baboons escaped, we pretty much just briefly discovered

the umbrella corporation is based in Australia. And then we forgot again because COVID happened. Two weeks later. Interesting. What's that about government? Covering up your ape experiments? This feels like, yeah, the end, I guess, of the beginning, middle part of, yeah,

like the plat of the apes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The remake or the redos. Absolutely. You're like, what are they doing? Wait, how many apes are they in Australia? How many they're escaping? Are they talking?

Yeah. Which one's season? Yeah. We're going to rise up. So, yeah, so if apes do rise up and then they attack us, it's terrifying because, yeah, we might get into a planet of the ape situation. I don't want that. I don't want that.

Because they're clever, they're smart, they can hold guns, they can open locks, they can open doors. Well, they can just break a lock. Yeah, yeah. You know, if an ape gets loose, we don't know how to handle that. I feel dogs, well, there's a lot of dogs in the country. Yeah, we can probably even, like, fight back. You know, we know how to handle dogs.

We've got, there's a long history inhumanity of fighting back against dogs. Exactly, fighting, like, you know, wolves, dingo, those kind of things. Yes, there will be some terrible things. Designing gates, the dogs can't get out of. That's the thing we do. Again, I think, you know, there's going to be more deaths with dogs and then there is going to be with apes. But I do think apes to provide, like, more of a, I guess, a challenge for us to defeat.

Yeah. I do feel, I fear we're entering a planet of the ape situation. Well, I think, I'll learn to understand the infrastructure of our world. But I think the thing is, like, yes. Like, not everyone has a dog. Yeah. What does, like, almost everyone kind of have? Okay.

That we're kind of forgetting. Yeah. Where any human goes, there's one of these little fuckers to follow. Rats. Oh, no. If rats rise up, we're fucked. Five rats to every person or something? How many rats in?

You're going to get skeletonized. Yeah, dude. You're just going to wake up as bones, bitch. We're going to get bit. We're going to get plagued. Oh, that's right. Rats are filthy with disease. And you think about a New York rat, how huge they are.

They're basically like a big dog. Sydney has a rodent problem. Okay. And there's anywhere between 500 million to a billion rats just in sea. Yeah. Yeah. Now, we think about, like, you know, oh. And we know some of them.

Yeah. If you think about, you know, okay, I close the door. Yeah. Dog ain't getting into that. No. Slamming his little. stupid face into it. Rat just go flat.

Yeah. Exactly. Rat just go flat. Rat just go flat. Rat can go flat. Rat just chew through like a, you know. Rat can go flat. It doesn't even into chew.

Big brown wave. That's what it's going to be. Yeah. It's going to just and then anybody in its path. Bat theory does not work. No. You can swing a bat as much as you like. How would you defend?

I went to Irish for a bit there. How would you defend against rats? Fire. It's the only way. Set yourself on fire. What? Yeah. Is that what like they got rid of like the ballmonic play basically was

Great Fire of London? Yeah, I think it helps. Is that what, like, again, I don't know history well, obviously, where you have almost like 600 episodes of this show, showcasing this. But I'm like, yeah, did the great, I remember either reading somewhere or misreading somewhere or even just having to think about it. Yeah. And just being like, oh, yeah, the Great Fire of London, because it was a big fire.

Yeah, that whole place went up in flames. Did that help kind of like tamper? Or was just like, dude, those are like 200 years apart, you fucking mourn? And I'm like, yeah. And I'm like, at least five great fires of London, too. So one of them might have done it. Yeah. Because I don't know what ended the bubonic plague.

Yeah. I don't know what we were doing. What ended? There's one maybe apocryphal story about a town somewhere in Europe that had like a ring of fire around it or something. And that's how they kept, is that real? Is that a real? Am I making this stuff? Something like that.

to keep the rats out. Rats do hate fire. Yeah. And rat traps, they hate? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, the Great Fire of London apparently. Well, it's a common misconceptions. The Great Fire of London wiped out. Yeah. It was improved sanitation,

personal hygiene, and medical practices including quarantine. So basically, we beat the Black Plague the same way we beat COVID. We didn't. but we minimized sort of it's cool that COVID has just made humanity worse

but yeah Brad Hazard the guy that had to comment on baboons like two weeks after he's being like yeah they can't lose before the big cut ha ha ha ha dapping up reporters and stuff that two weeks later has to the same guy I just kind of quote was like yeah we shouldn't all let COVID into Australia

yeah it was a big mistake he was too distracted by the baboons he was riding high off that It was like 10 days later. That's so funny. He would have still been thinking about boons. Yeah. You're like, man, those damn the boons. What?

What's happening? What are you talking about? Where? Oh, God. He looks like... Who wants him in? We should... They did.

Oh, no. Someone released baboons again so that we got to something to distract the people. Yeah, it looks like it was just quarantine. Yeah. That's handy. The fire happened kind of when it was already. already declining. So it didn't help heaps.

Ratsack? Will Ratsack help us? No. What do you think about this? Birds. Brad has it's just wore on his Wikipedia real quick. Yeah.

Personal life. And I don't know why I find this so funny. Personal life. Hazard has two adult sons. How many an adult son is funny. It's funny to have an adult son. Just like. And I have an adult.

We're all adult son. Yeah. But it's funny to have. Hey, dad. I'm your adult son. These are my two adult sons. Because it's like an unnecessary qualifier. Yeah.

Oh, here's my human friend Jackson. Exactly. I'm an adult son. I'm an adult son right now. That's a good number plate. Adults? Adel. No.

A. Mm. Yeah, dude. Adult son, great number plate. You go, he's an adult son. Is it an adult son? These are my two adult sons. And it's good any qualifier.

This is my unemployed adult son. Oh, that's good, dude. Oh, that's really. good. Yeah. I'm trying to figure out how to turn adult son into... Anyway, let's deal with the rats, then I turn adults on into custom number play. Laptops going away for a moment.

I'm going to go to work for a bit. Rats, you've come and fight. Rats are very... I was going to say stupid, but aren't they clever? No, they're clever, dude. They work together. Here's a story about rats that might not be true. I remember reading about this butcher that kept losing meat.

You get losing like Lacks-A-M and they were like What's going on? And then they set up a security camera And what they found is that they would have like the Hanging Rack-A-Lam And the rat would climb up, chewed through it And then it would land on a bunch of rats on the floor

Who would scurry it away Now, did you read about this Or did you just watch Rattatooie? I swear I write about it Possibly in a magazine This feels like a ratatooie I believe a similar scene exists in Ratatouille.

Sure, but I don't think this is based, in fact. I'm pretty sure. I believe Radatoui took inspiration from this real-life true story that I write in a magazine. When I search for rat stealing lamb from butcher,

rat meat is sold as lamb. Is that what you were thinking about? Awesome. Where there was just like a dangling bit of rat meat and lamb was there, just scurrying up. Lamb clot chute it off and then it landed on a lamb. Thieves broke into a Tasmanian Butcher and sold $6,000 worth of chicken?

That's so funny, because you've got to sell that quick. Yeah, dude. Because chicken lost. Deep freeze, man. Got to put that a deep freezer, man. The fact that if I googled rats stealing lamb from butcher and not a single news article comes up about this alleged, because that's truly remarkable if rats are working together. You know, it might be just sort of like a little footnote somewhere, you know, it's not a famous story.

It's just a novel story. I'm trying to think about how, can you actually... How is that not a famous story? Well, you know, I mean, many amazing things happen every day. That's got a good point. Yeah, we can't remark on all the amazing things that happened. Yeah, douche, do you ever seen a sunrise? Remarkable.

Is that going in the paper every day? Yeah, the sunrise is in the news every day. Yeah, they do tell you what time it is, yeah, because it's remarkable. And they often write a news article if the sunrise or sunset is extra. beautiful. Yeah. I've got out number. I'm trying to think about can you actually turn a profit on stealing $6,000 worth of chicken? Yeah. How much

is chicken, like what, off the back of a truck chicken? You can get fancy chicken. On the back of the truck chicken. Not even, but you've stolen, it's fenced chicken. Yeah. So you then just go to, I mean, where was it in Tasmania right? Yeah. That's small. Like $6,000. Oh, Tasmania.

It's in like Tasmania. And so Yeah, but Tasmania has lots of like food laws. No. I mean, maybe. Fucked up population. What are we talking? No, no, no, no.

Tasmania has a lot of, I feel like has like a pretty, it's like well known for its food and wine. Yeah. Because of its high quality farms. Usually it's like like all seafood. Yeah, that's true. Because like again, you'd be like, again, it's a small, you know, it's a fairly, fairly small state. It'd only be like a small number of places, really you could offload that chicken. Well, that's what I'm thinking.

It seems like, I guess you'd sell it to restaurants. You'd sell it to like, you know, chocolate chicken places. kind of things and like you because you're not going to go to like you know willies or coals and offload these chickens you're going to go to like restaurants where they can be like i mean i'll sell you you know under the asking price like you know this place and i'm getting chickens for like i don't know say you know a dollar a chicken whatever these guys are offering me you know like 30 cents a chicken i'm going to be like sick how many chickens can i float yeah i got a deep freezer i suppose that's true yeah they i'm not gonna i'm not gonna ask questions you didn't

buy the chicken i guess you did steal it that is the yeah okay so you're everything you're doing is You're making a profit. It's all the person who's buying it off you, wants to remain ignorant, and I would. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Where do you eat the chicken? I don't need to know where the chicken came from. I'm buying that chicken. Let's see you end up with rat meat at the butcher.

I think, yeah. I don't need to know. I don't need to know. Why does this chicken look like a rat? Don't worry. Why is it tiny and gray? It's a weird looking chicken. I don't need to know.

Don't tell me. Okay, so basically thieves cut this awesome footage of it. Thieves cut through into the storage container and stole just $6,000 worth of chicken in box. I guess you just don't hear about butcher heists so often. I mean, like, hey, they could have just simply been having a big lunch. Yeah, I mean, basically, look, a free lunch for a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. You're eating fancy chicken for months and months and months.

It's chicken. I don't think it's fancy chicken. It's just chicken. Fine as meat for bargain. Now I'm on their website. It's great. It just seems like, I guess you can steal anything is the last. Yes.

Yes, Jackson You can steal anything As long as you don't get caught It's free If you dare You know Up to it including chicken Yeah dude

Wow Like Well I just Obviously that's true for Chocolate bars and shorts Yeah but it's true for everything Yeah I know But you just don't hear about people

stealing chicken I guess I think is like everything can be Like stolen or can't Or whatever Like the whole like olive oil industry Yeah yeah Yeah

Like there is so much The olive oil It's a mess We have been victims Of like weed counterfeit because of like the microphones we bought. I was like, oh, yeah, oh, wait. No, they're not.

They're fakes, yeah, that's true. But they're made with real parts. Like, again, it's this kind of thing where you think of anything that's worth anything. Yeah, someone's going to be someone to be like, well, I can undercut that and sell out of the premium price. The most expensive chicken product on their website is under $20 a kilo. Yeah. That's a lot of chicken. $6,000 worth of chicken is significant.

Well, yeah, that's like if you're buying it in bulk, but the consumer price for chicken is going to be marked up. No, no, no, no. So that was from... If I'm reporting on that and then whatever, because also, again, who's reporting what, right? The butcher's being like, oh, they stole $6,000 with a chicken, right? I'm going to, like, up that because I'm going to be like, well, I'm going to maybe get insurance, cool.

So I'm going to say, like, yeah, the... If I'm telling this in bulk, yeah, that's a lot cheaper. But if people are turning those into Parmesanas, wow, I can up the price. In terms of the value... Well, no, because I went on to their shop front. They're forward-facing, not... Like, as in like, so I wasn't looking at whole stuff. price. I was looking at, hi, I'm Joe

fuckhead and I'm wandering in off the street to this butcher. Yeah. The most expensive chicken product was like $17.50 a kilo. Yeah. But again, like they might have gotten like, you know, we're thinking they stole like a large amount of chicken, what they probably did. Yeah. But then it's like they might have stolen.

It's still in boxes and boxes. I saw the footage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I could be like, oh, you know, yeah, it's $6,000 worth of chicken when reality they might have only paid $100,000, you know, $200.00. Yeah. Because they're buying it wholesale and then they're selling. Maybe the whole thing, which is a scam.

Yeah. We don't know. Maybe I'm on it. Maybe. And that's one of the whole thing about theft as well. You know, there's multiple ways you can go about it. That is nice about theft. That's beautiful.

Stealing. That's all right. Yeah. It's a homeless crime. Especially if you get away with it, apparently. Yeah, exactly. I've seen, and like, it's only popped up every now and then, but there has been times where I've seen episodes of our podcast

pop up on file sharing websites, and I'm like, how yeah. That's awesome, dude. That's funny. You know, that's where the premium content should go. Yeah. Everything that's behind the subscription feed. Should be on Pirate Bay. Yeah.

Share the brain wrong. Yeah, exactly. Send it around, dude. That's beautiful. We fully endorsed. Yeah. If I'm logging out to SolSique, I want to see Plum in the Death Star on that. Yes.

Me too, man. Me too. And if I'm going to the butcher, I want to know that it's stolen chicken. Yes. It would taste. Are you mentioning it has a little, like, card in it that's stolen? Oh, I can taste the high adrenaline. Yum, yum, yum, yum.

Yeah, delicious. Oh, yeah, rats would be bad. I think rats would be the worst of humanity. I think there's no comeback from that. You can't fight that. There's a lot of rat bites. I'm getting infected. Now I'm dead at the plague.

It's more than like, how many rats do you think you could physically take on and like, you know, without getting too tired, right? What's my situation? Am I naked, cloth? You are cloth? I'm going to say you're... As you are now. As you are now, you got boots on.

I'll even make you not, like, not even like, not even like barefoot here. You, as you are now, and let's just say you have a batch. how many how many how many like rats you reckon can like you know i think that i think it's an easier question for me to answer is how long could i fight them off yeah i guess that under an hour yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah because i reckon you're gonna do that the whole thing like i've only been fighting for like two minutes and look at my watch you're like oh man like the thing is they're going to get climbing into your jump up yeah exactly that's and it's it's a war of attrition too because every little bite slows me down death by thousand

cuts, man. Yeah. Death by a thousand little rat bites. I'm going to start climbing up. That's what I'm going to do. Yeah. By climbing up, like, you know, like the wall. Drop it onto my head. Dropping down from the ceiling. Yeah. Like, you know. And I think if I got rats in my jumper, my natural reaction would be to get on the ground and roll. That's where the rats were. That's where the rats are. So, I think what the most alarming thing, obviously being killed by rats is alarming. But I think the most alarming thing would be the moment that it turns bad seeing how many rats were actually in my home.

Absolutely. When you dropped to the, the floor to roll and then looking over and just seeing like the horizon is only rat and you're like Oh, I had no chance. See it happens right now in the studio. Yeah. The sound. And then you just look outside and you know the front office is full

of holes. Yeah. And rats. And rats. Johnny Mouse. He's back from the dead to kill us. Oh no. And I didn't bring it up. I'm thinking like say with dogs, with apes, other animals around that could maybe you know stop this kind of things like you know I haven't ever seen like a lion fighter, a baboon before, but I think in this uprising it might happen.

It also does happen in the wild, I'm guessing. Yeah. But like what? What's taking out mass rats? Mass cats. Whoa. Yeah. Cats are getting in the live.

Maybe these owls from before might help us. Well, there's that one state in Canada that has no rats. That's the safest place in the world. They get zero rats. At least humanity will survive. But then also like, all is going to take is rats on the border. to just be like, well, because I think that they've got zero rats

because they have a, like, a zero tolerance policy. If they see a rat, they kill it. But if every rat, you just can't fight that. You can't fight that. It's inevitable. Can you build a rat-proof wall? But you've got to know the rats are coming. And there is no way that there's so many rats everywhere.

Well, I guess this place in Canada and you. Yeah, but theirs is more like a, because the rats don't, they're not trying to get in. Yeah. Like the rat just sees a bit of grain. He's like, oh, I'm going to eat that grain. And then they go, hey, no. and kill it. Rats can swim. Yeah. What can't a rat get in? Metal box? Could you make

like a flotilla? Yeah. Like on a boat, rat can't get on a boat if it's not already on the boat. Yeah, but they can swim though. Yeah, but if you're fully out to sea. So there's only an estimated 7 billion rats in the world. Okay. And there's 7.2 billion in Sydney? One billion in Sydney. Two billion are in China. Yeah, okay. That seems like way less rats than I thought. Yeah. That seems crazy.

The human population is 7.7 billion. Maybe we're... If it's one guy to a rat... That seems wrong, though. That seems so wrong. Because I also feel like I've heard somewhere like you're never... There's like five rats for every person. Isn't that cockroaches?

Well, that would be bad too. Because they lay eggs in you. There's only 200 million rats alone in... Like rats? Yeah, yeah. 200 million rats? Yeah, in Britain. That's not that many.

There's more people. They could do something about that, British people, just saying. If you wanted to be rat free, you could. Hang on, which government was that? I just saw a comment and I've lost it. If the UK wanted to get rid, that's crazy. They could get rid of their rats. Although, Rattow or whatever did it.

Because of climate change, rat numbers are going up. Okay. Well, damn, that's a shame, dude. But some governments have, like, waged, declared war on rats. Yeah. Yeah. Has it gone? Is it not working out?

We're currently living in a perfect rat storm, so not well. Well, society's built. It's built for rats, basically. Yeah. It's not built for us. Yeah. That's true. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

We build society for rats, not for us. Well, think about it. What would you rather be a man or a rat? A man. What? Why would you want to be a rat? What would have you're a rat? I think life's easier if you're a rat.

I guess I don't have to pay taxes. No taxes. No responsibilities. No sentience. You just get to eat garbage and live in the drain. That's basically what you do. That's why it's so appealing. That'd be very little change in my life.

I just live for a short of period of time. I'd just be dead quicker. And unloved. And unloved. Out by other rats, I'd be loved. That's true. I don't think rats can feel love. Well, they can certainly want to.

mate. Yeah. Yeah. And they need to be... No, with your rat dick. Yeah. I got a manky rat dick. They need to be warm. So they might lie on me. You're going to become part of a rat king. In this royalty. In this scenario, am I still me? Yeah. Well, it doesn't matter. Because the marriage you become a rat, you lose it. Well, that's because like we seem like we were acting like the rats not loving me was like bad. But if I'm a rat, I don't care. I also don't love. Yeah. That's true. But if I'm me and I desire companionship when I've been turned into a rat... Oh, not even the rats love me.

Damn, I thought this is where I get the most affection. No dice. Damn, I only did this for the rat pussy, and no one wants to fuck me. Jackson, you've robbed your way up, and I'm a genie, and I give you three wishes. Become a rat, infinite rat pussy, no third wish. It holds for the russie. Yeah. Yeah.

Become a rat, infinite rat pussy, horny for rats. Yeah. Bang. That's funny. What a fucking delight die. Why did I want the rat pussy before being horny for rats? What was my strategy there? I don't know, dude. It's mysterious.

I wanted the rat pussy, and then I made the wish so that I wanted the rat pussy. I wasted that third wish. Yeah, but no third wish is also a waste. Become a rat, infinite rat pussy, retain my human genitals. I'm going to be the worst-looking rat you've ever seen in your life. You're going to fuck rats to death. Horrible-looking rat and then a lot of exploded rather rats. A rat rolling around.

That's the thing is, that rat's going to have, like, a lot of rat bites on that rat. Yeah, dude. Yeah, but the rat won't care. That's just ratting. And I'm just a rat, too. He'll be a root rat. I'll be a true root rat, dude. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, that would also be bad for humanity. Rats with human penises. Yeah. Dragging their greasy rat dicks across your linoleum. Yeah, you just, you just, you're, would just find like streaks like oh the rats

would be like you tell from the rat trying to scurry under a fridge getting caught by his penis slamming back up rat you shouldn't have fucking you should have thought about going under the fridge when you made the wish

for human genitals rat human ball I love the idea that we live in the future we live in a reality where there was a genie but a rat found it I wished all rats had human balls

I was like, I wish that all rats had human genitals. Yeah. This has made my life significantly worse. Yeah. Wow. There's so many rats getting stuck everywhere. That's really horrible to imagine. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, on that note, I've been Joe. I've been, Jackson. I've also been sure. The birds is bad even if it's not birds. Yeah, that's the lesson. That's today's lesson. Yeah.

Yeah. I hope this was good for Tali Kong. Yeah, greasy rat dicks, but they're humans. Yeah. I mean, the rat takes probably greasy anyway, really. Yeah. Rat balls, all, I mean, I would imagine.

Yeah, that was a weird, that was a very confident. Why do you know? End the episode. I don't want to talk about this anymore. Let's go to the X The Canadian National Exhibition Foundation's Grand C&E 50-50 fundraiser is on. Buy your tickets now at C&E Foundation 5050.com

for your 18 chances to win and a chance to support a good cause. You could take home the $100,000 guaranteed minimum cash grand prize and more. Thank you for supporting C&E Foundation community and youth programs. Play responsibly. License RAF-148-6-8-58-9.

Come and celebrate to run it and do everything you want to have the X. A-Cast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's the show that we recommend. I'm Jesse Kirkshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend. I break down the biggest stories in pop culture, but when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show.

I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a Twitter. Facebook is like a no, that's what my grandma's on. Thank God, phone a friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. acast.com.